Will & Rusty's Playdate - Horse Boy Extreme

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

Willy is framed for owning a straw hat and Rusty gets emotional with a stranger. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod (00:25) Dad Advice (05:19) Thai Food (06:12) Promposals (11:02) Rusty’s Dream (11:48) The Straw Hat Mystery (15:41) Drinking on the Plane (18:51) TSA (20:52) Pitches (34:19) Drafts (38:49) Willy’s Sheltered Childhood (43:28) That’s So Rogan (48:39) Racehorses That Don’t Exist Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

we got a sign new episode three episode three we got a new sign look at the sign it's pretty great i love the jagged edges yeah we had some negative feedback about that but i think it's good did your um this little car i like did your dad ever tell you hard pivot how long do you want to talk about the sign no that's good that's good i feel like that was enough sign talk okay let's get into it did your dad ever tell you advice that in hindsight just wasn't true or like a story where you're just like why did he lie about that like like he deceived me as a child like i actually yeah okay well you go i think i know i was lying in bed last night okay and you know when you're just a little little hungover and you can't really find like a good position to

fall asleep in yeah i kind of landed on no pillow that that was just how i ended up and i remember my dad i was telling him he told me that he told me that native americans he told me that native americans that don't that they didn't used to sleep with pillows and that's why uh their their backs were straight so that they were better at shooting bow and arrows and i carried that with me until last night when i realized that that is so not true uh well why is that something did you shoot bone arrows as a kid we were i think we were i think we were driving is that applicable to your life at all to sugar loaf and it was like a long drive and i had just been bombarding him with questions and he was just like here's a little something for you to chew on for a little bit

and that one i think shut me up well this is reminding me my uncle mike had the uh the infamous eighth inning rule which we me and my brother found out very recently was made up uh which is if at a baseball game he just wanted to beat traffic but he told us as little kids that at a baseball team if the home team is up by three or more runs halfway through the eighth inning you have to leave and we thought it was like a rule like you're not allowed to stay or you can or the team did the game just end i think you just have to go and it was like we're little so it's like oh we gotta go eighth inning rule took that into my adult life it was pretty pretty devastated pretty embarrassed i'm gonna be one of those dads that uh like my dad does this where

like if if if we've been at a game for long enough yeah he has no shame in just being like you down to just pack it up like he's not he's not like let's leave but it's like sometimes you're just you've been at the ballpark for too long i i never i'm too like i'm gonna miss the greatest play of all time if I leave. If I'm at a sporting event, I can't leave. Like the Jets. I was at the Jets game, and the last play of that game was awesome.

The fourth play of that game was pretty cool. My diehard Jets fan first ever game flew to New York to go see the Aaron Rodgers era start. Four plays in. It was devastating. But it is what it is.

Now I'm wearing this hat. Are you a Chargers fan now? This is the Rams. Cool. No, they just gave us this hat, and I thought it was kind of a cool hat. I was talking with my friend last night, and I asked her if she was going to start an NFL team, what colors would she pick? And I want to know what you guys would pick.

I would go, ooh, ooh, because I'm trying to think of something that doesn't exist. I think red and black is badass, but the Falcons kind of have that on lock. Yeah. I'm thinking purple and green. I was going to say black, but then I was also thinking purple. What about black with, what is it when the color? Chrome? Matte.

Kind of chrome, but it's only glowing in the dark. Oh, glow in the dark? Yeah. What's that color called when it glows in the dark? Oh, glow in the dark. I swear, you knew what to say, and you made it sound dull. Oh, she's saying fluorescent. Fluorescent.

Oh, okay. Yes. So, you know, Lauren, typically in the National Football League, they play with the lights on. Almost exclusively. Almost. I think they've only played in the dark at one Super Bowl, the Ravens. Does your home team advantage is just you have to play in the dark?

Yeah. It's super confusing. Is the ball one of those glow-in-the-dark? Those were sick when you were a kid. Those were awesome. they're so hard yeah I just remembered

my chest I forgot about that they were harder because I guess they had to be they just weren't made out of foot they were made out of plastic

they weren't made out of foot they weren't made like a classic football yeah well you know what I've been thinking are you still about to say something Lauren

no I'm done I just got a crazy stomach ache right before we started so I'm just oh wow the crosses we bear

for the audio listeners Lauren currently has four drinks on her desk right now. She has a Yerba Mate, a seltzer, and a huge bottle of water. And a golf grip

for some reason. All right, here's what I realized last night. Wait, really quick. When I first saw this, I thought it was like a Harry Potter wand.

Cool. Okay, anyway, I was going to say last night I was eating me and Chester ordered Thai food. I moved into my new house this weekend.

Well done. It's lovely. It's a beautiful little bungalow right by the beach i'm super excited last time we ordered thai food and i was thinking about is like when did all the thai restaurants all like gather together and like we are going to use this one really specific type of takeout packaging that no one else uses you know like the plastic it's like black with a clear top and it's like a rectangle that's pretty well that's pretty like i think i have that

tupperware at home yeah but it's only for like thai food oh oh oh i know what you're talking about it's i'd only ever get or maybe chinese too yeah when when i was not to lump those together but i think in terms of packaging yeah when i was a senior in high school um we at my girlfriend's house we'd always get tie this from this one tie place and uh i hadn't prom was like the week the next week or something and i hadn't asked her and my promposal the year before was great not to this person but like it was a known thing that i that i murdered promposal the year before okay and i was like talking to her mom and i was like how do i do this and she was like well next time you get tie for us you should just put like you should do something like in the bag

and so i brought a sharpie in to pick it up and normally she came in with me and i was like stay in the fucking yeah which she told you what to do no no i or the mom was like oh the mom's and uh so i my thought process was i was gonna write prom on the top of the pad tie and uh we got back in the car and i like what i didn't take into account was the condensation it's like a sharpie on a clear like it's just like rubbed off i just like fucking half-ass wrote prom on it we got in the car and i was like uh everything in there we got everything and she like looked and was like yep and then we were just like and i drove home and we i was like you sure everything's in there she's like everything's in here like we only ordered two things and we

got back there's just like a smeared prom on the clear lid i was envisioning you doing something with like the noodles like just digging my finger for the fucking in the restaurant like four noodles yeah but it was i think it's the worst promposal of all time because she was not a big deal at your guys's high school no but like they're like if you had been dating the girl like she would kind of hope that you put like a little bit of effort like i killed junior year i killed it what'd you do i went to her house while she was still at school i had the last period free and she had this golden retriever and i painted it i tied a sign around its neck that said it'd be golden if you went to prom with me and then when she got home the dog ran to her with the

sign like out of a movie that'd be nice i had a i it's reminding me of the cool i actually have the coolest thai food story of all time okay so i was in like eighth grade or seventh or eighth grade uh my family had just moved to south carolina so i like didn't have any friends i was like kind of lonely and i like was really like i had like a lot of homework or something that night and so i was like really stressed and like sad and my parents felt bad because they'd like made me move and so my dad was like hey like he's like you know what will don't worry about doing that homework right now let's just take a break let's go get dinner like deep breath like it's not that you know you're freaking yourself out it'll all be okay and normally i you know i was like like

the fact my dad was like you don't have to do your homework was like the coolest thing in the world and so i was like okay he's like we're gonna get thai foods we went to this really good thai place and while we're sitting there it's like thursday night it's either yeah it must have been either thursday night or monday night because there was a football game on and it was or a sunday okay it doesn't matter it was there was a football game it was like dolphins rams and while we're sitting at the Thai restaurant they tied it was the first tie in the NFL in 10 years and we were at a Thai restaurant wow I like that a lot and it made my night I was having the worst night ever my dad and I were sitting there we're just by ourselves at this restaurant dying laughing everyone was

looking at us like we're crazy but that's the coolest thing to ever happen wait that didn't that didn't happen for 10 years it's really hard to tie in the NFL I mean you have to go all over time without anyone scoring I think it's happened maybe once or twice since then but it hadn't happened in forever until that night and we were at a tie i mean i like it yeah anyway did i tell you about okay sorry i got excited i had an exciting excited tonight yeah well i'm yeah i'm feeling good it's monday morning i slept really well last night me too well not to make it about me but well you did yeah for a little there all right continue not to also make it about me uh 99 on my sleep score last night wow look at us what's the sleep score thing yeah what

does that mean uh it tracks your like it listens to you breathe at night and it'll open an app when you go to bed it'll uh it'll show me when i was awake and when i was asleep the best part is it has like um it'll show you like times that you talk okay so i've gotten some good ones um my my buddy we were sleeping next to each other and and uh the phone was on the table in between his two twin beds in his room yeah and uh it just got him being like no no and like you can like you can like you can kind of like figure out what they were dreaming about that's kind of cool do you write down your dreams no do you want to hear uh do you want to hear a good one that i wrote down yeah absolutely i have a lot written down on my phone this is my this is my most recent one and

i also i'm writing them in the middle of the night when i wake up okay i respect it so they never make any sense yeah yeah dreams i was at this girl's house and i only had a sweatshirt on and no pants and someone was at the door for her so we were running around and then it was her brother and cousin and i and i thought i recognized so i went in to hug and it was awkward but then i saw my aunt and gave her a hug the girl she said she had a fantasy football draft that's just a little peek into my brain a great night it sounds like a fucking movie but also hugging i hope she got cd lamb he's been playing great he has been playing it's just there's a lot happening you could tell i was panicked while i was writing it yeah that's that you were like flustered trying to get it all

down well i all right here's what happened to me this wasn't a dream this was real life and i wanted to tell you the story it was like two weeks ago we haven't recorded in a while so i've been sitting on this yeah oh god i might have already overhyped it no i get on the airplane um i was on air i was flying home it's my mom's 60th birthday yep go to visit her so i'm on an airplane from lax to boston i get in i'm in the middle seat uh someone else gets into the like window seat and so then it's just like the aisle seats open and i'm like waiting for you know presumably someone to come sit there hoping that someone won't and i'm staring straight ahead i got my airpods in i'm just like zoning out i'm like kind of dozing in and out of sleep and while people are coming

through the aisle somebody drops a straw hat into the seat right next to me like on purpose i don't know it was like in my peripheral i see the straw hat go down on the seat and i'm like i guess maybe they're like saving it and then they're gonna go put their bag up or something but it was like a comic it was a comically it was a comically weird straw it was like a like margaritaville branded or something and have like rainbow flourishes on the edge it wasn't like a stylish straw hat it was like a gimmicky straw hat yep and it's just sitting there and i was like that's weird i guess they're coming back for that maybe they went to the bathroom nothing time's passed i'm like all this is getting bad because the guys whoever's sitting here is gonna come and be like is this

your straw hat and i was like i don't know what i'm gonna do should i like hold it up and be like whose straw hat is this turn on who the fuck's straw hat is so i don't say anything i'm sitting there super sleepy like falling asleep guy taps me on the shoulder he's like hey hey mate he's an australian guy he's like hey mate you dropped your straw hat and i was like i've never seen that thing i was like that's not my straw hat and now it was his seat and i was like he was like he didn't believe me which is like kind of fair in that context like why would there be a straw hat how do you get on a plane and leave your hat in someone else's seat it didn't really make sense so i was like oh i don't know someone must have dropped it on my hat and he was like

okay so then he like waved down the flight attendant he's like hey mate someone dropped the straw hat and the flight attendant was like what like what do you mean someone dropped it he's like i don't know it was in my seat and the flight attendant was like was it yours i was like no it wasn't my straw hat so then the guy in the row right in front of us turns around he goes is that straw hat up for grabs and the flight attendant goes yeah you want it and the guy was like sure so he gives it to a random guy but it's like we're in a contained vessel where that hat clearly like in any other setting it's like oh maybe the guy left like maybe this is forgotten like clearly that belongs to someone on this plane another guy just took it i'm like that was

the funniest thing ever i'm dying laughing i pull out my notes app and i write down straw hat in my notes app which the guy the australian guy watched me do so then i was like i think he thinks i was like perfectly executed yeah no you you open you open your notes app and you just check off yeah straw hat straw hat prank some weird yeah i just didn't got you there's hidden cameras there dude i was getting on wait wait wait i got one last thing the guy who took the straw hat we're late when we're leaving like i slept the whole flight we get up i kind of forgot about it the man wears it off the plane i mean the balls on that guy what do you think okay let's break you down what do you think happened i think somebody maybe had it like on their backpack

yeah or something and it fell off and then they were probably on the plane like oh shit what i must have left that straw hat in the airport they probably wouldn't assume that someone on the plane has it yeah and then there might have been a moment where they're like leaving or they're at baggage claim like i was wearing it off the plane hilarious which is like wait a minute that's my straw hat anyway sorry that was my straw hat i get i love it in hindsight maybe that was it was riven oh that's a great hat that's a great story all right thank you i was i needed validation on that did you say did you just say that he said that's a great hat i had to say it was great it wasn't a great hat um so okay you've traveled with me right you know that i like to drink

in the airport on the airplane and in the airplane so i was coming home um i want to say where were we oh we were coming home from colorado and uh i got a little drunk in the airport happens get on the plane what time is it 11 a.m on sunday on sunday okay and uh i get on the plane get into my aisle seat and as i'm getting in my aisle seat the guy in the middle seat in the row or like across the aisle okay he's wearing a shellback hat shellback tavern shellback tavern i go i go love the shellback hat man he goes thanks man love your uh love your videos i go thanks dab each other up now i'm sitting right next to him right so far been a very normal interaction yeah if my name comes up he can be like yeah that guy's completely normal

whatever i'm like that went well shortened to the point right okay yes flight attendant comes down i uh i order three vodkas and an orange juice the guy next to me is like that's a great idea now me and the guy in the middle seat have this camaraderie and we're like all right we're fucking doing this like we're gonna booze on this plane and there's something about when i get drunk on airplanes get very very emotional for some reason because just like so much time to think blasting music in your headphones or whatever yeah and share pods share pods and i list this song it's like elliot smith song or like something came on and just struck a chord with me at the wrong at the peak of my drunkness and i just start silently crying in this you were crying

tears were coming tears not making any noise though yeah and the guy who in the show back had who was like who the interaction went well gets up to go to the bathroom and i looked up at him like presumably like just a mess yeah and we made eye contact and he was like what and just walked walked away and now i was thinking like that guy is gonna go home and be like i met this guy i met that rusty guy he was he is a fucking mess he's not his life is in shambles i feel like vodka for me personally is such i mean it is such a depressant like i don't like i don't know is that your your liquor of choice no but on the plane because they jip you with the mixer so you have to pick one that you're like i can get through three of these shots with fucking the

the teaspoon of orange juice you order three at a time yeah and they'll bring you three i think you can order as many as you want interesting yeah i'm not a drinking on the plane guy i like to sleep those kind of go for me those kind of go hand in hand sometimes yeah i guess that's true i've never one time drink on a plane really never what do you do actually i don't think i like to read or listen to podcasts podcasts are great if you're on an airplane listen to this get some vodka one time one time i went through tsa soaking wet i ever tell you about that it's the funniest thing of all time it was when we were at ohio state i'm like the first college store and they had had like some like there's like this fraternity event that i like went to

it was like after all the work stuff was over i was there for like one more night and uh i i it was like something they were like splash you with paint like you were white and then they like sprayed you with paint and then i think i was trying to get some of it off of me or something and there was like a like a tub of ice and so i got it anyway i got really wet the night before and then i had to wear i only had that one pair of clothes it was one of those like 24 hour trips i think or something you just raw dog so i was no i had my backpack but i was soaking wet when i went to the airport in the morning all my clothes i woke up i was like oh my god all my shit's still damp but i had nothing else to wear so i go so i was like all right whatever so go through tsa and

apparently being wet is like the same as being covered in metal when you go through the security thing because i went through you know how it shows like a picture of you with little like yellow boxes where there's metal it was all my entire body you should have seen the tsa guy who goes what the and then he like paused for a second he goes wait a minute are you he's like like he clicked he goes are you wet and i was like yeah i'm soaking wet he's like all right i'm gonna have to do a full body pat down so i had to get a full body like it was intimate honestly he's like back of his hands just like soaking water is like dripping down he put gloves on I was like, yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Is that illegal? Apparently not. I mean, they let me on the plane. It was definitely a tough look. I was like, this would be really embarrassing if they were like, you can't get on the plane this wet. All right, ready? Yeah. Not to be the guy telling terrorists how to do their job.

Okay. What if you just soaked your bomb before so that it just shows up as wet instead of bomb? Then they'd have to do the full body. Yeah. They weren't just like, oh, you're wet, you're good. This actually leads perfectly. Can we do pitches now? Because I have a pitch that's related to TSA.

Okay. All right. Pitch test. I'm going to go no tie today, actually. Why do you hate tie? I hate the tie because when I saw the clips, without the context of us putting the tie on for business pitches, it looks like we think that wearing a tie is funny and that we're doing it to be funny.

Well, now I feel like a fucking idiot if I wear it. All right, fine. Tie's dead. the tie is dead killed the tie maybe Lauren has to put the tie on during business

visions absolutely not the tie is dead okay here's my idea it's it's shit what is it again

no no no I know what it is conceptually I just can't remember if I had a good name for it alright I don't have a good name for it

I don't think alright it's everyone gets one so it's the idea is everyone gets one skip per year at the airport

like security it's like you get one cut seat You get one cut seat. No, it's not even cut seat. You don't have to go through the security at all. It's one time you just get, like, once a year there's a time where you're just like, I do not want to deal with this shit right now.

Yeah. Probably more than once a year, but if you had two skips a year, that would get out of hand. So everyone gets one skip, you get, like, a little card or something, and you can just go pass through. They don't check your stuff? They don't check anything. High risk, high reward. so you know what you know what my qualms well i can see the qualm but i don't know i like to see the good in the world okay maybe we do you still have to get checked but you can skip the line so

it's clear so your idea is clear your idea your idea is something that we both have i don't have clear i need to get clear what are you talking about clear clear no i go i wait in the line every time which has gotten really uh so so you go up pre-check kind of you go up it scans your eyeballs and it'll be like okay this is rusty scan my ticket and then they take me to the front of the line which people fucking hate oh the looks that you get yeah when there's a giant line and they bring you to the front and they take the rope down so you just walk through all these people and then you just walk uh you just show the tsa guy and you walk right through okay i like i like one skip i am a little i'm cautious my my business pitch

my business pitch is you've seen men in black yes i never have actually maybe when i was a wee little kid you know the device that they erase your memory yeah this one does that but uh just for movies okay so you can watch a movie again for the first time i like that i like that a lot that's yeah yeah i would do that for rango the catch is so we had to license it from men in black okay so it only works on men in black no you you have to watch men in black once a year but other than that it's a great product okay yeah i liked that idea i feel like there's so many shows that i watch where i'm like i would kill to just unsee it yeah what's the first thing you would use my product on oh oh oh uh you go first um i'd probably go i'd probably uh like find a porn

video that i watch a bunch and it's kind of like i've just become numb to it and i'd probably do that or um or malcolm in the middle i'd do it for all of malcolm okay okay one of the two i would go and or what the star wars show never seen that what is it the best show ever and or it's like a it's like a prequel the rogue one it's awesome of course lord what would you use it on um don't make me feel like an idiot for that it's a great show i've never heard of that you should watch it uh breaking bad maybe yeah that was what ben barrett said i still haven't seen it oh really yeah you would it would knock your little dick off i've seen like here like my parents used to watch it so i would like tune in every once in a while yeah it's not a it's not a good show to

just tune in yeah no yeah also show i just finished daisy jones and the six i wish i could unsee that and see it again what is that um it's loosely based on fleetwood mac oh great music i like it's really no you should watch it it's really cool too because like all the actors they actually formed a band and they they all were actually playing their instrument and it's yeah it's very inspiring what's it on amazon okay all right what's your third or second business pitch oh yeah i got two more uh that is the nature of the game uh yeah this one's gold all right here's the best picture you're gonna hear in a while comb hat okay it's a hat yep but it's got a little comb built in on the

inside, and so it's constantly combing and correcting your hair, so when you take your hat off, like, I probably look like a freaking idiot right now. You look like a doofus. I look like a doofus, because I've been wearing a hat all day. I was going to say your hair looks good. Thanks, Lauren. Maybe we don't need it, then. Fuck this bitch. No, uh... Wait, so it's

moving around. It's moving around in there, which is initially a little unsettling, but you get used to it, And it's combing and coiffing your hair perfectly. So when you take your hat off, it looks great. I feel like it would feel like that thing, the plunger thing that you put on your head and it tickles your head. Plunger.

I know exactly what you're talking about, and those are amazing. Oh, it's not a plunger. It's got metal. Plunger is a crazy word to use. Yeah, that feels good. You ever done things to yourself while using one of those? What? Nothing.

What was your... comb hat comb hat okay i like it i like it a lot uh is it battery powered or gas solar solar is actually probably the correct yeah route you just can't you gotta go outside and everyone's like gas as an option it's like it like turns on in like meetings all right you're gonna love this one okay i think this one this is one of the ones that rarely we have one that i'm worried about someone taking and like actually using it's uh it's an app on your phone okay i love it already yep right in it's an app on your phone that uh it works in in uh it works in unison whatever it works together with uh in unison with a phone charger right so

imagine a phone charger but both ends are iphone chargers okay follow i plug one end into my phone and the other end into yours and you can send me like 20 battery so if you have like 60 yeah you can be like yo here you go 20 it'll get you get through until you can get a charger it just takes 20 off your phone dude i'm pretty sure samsung has this you can touch the backs of the phones together and charge them yeah i think this is real but but for apple yeah i also think me and bobby talked about this once i'm could be the move ah can you not talk about other podcasts yeah so typically just on this podcast we're just gonna take off about our tanks rc when you put their podcast on our podcast you keep talking about other podcasts we're on the street we're

homeless because you fucking brought up their podcast on our podcast oh my god did this homeless guy today okay was he wiling out just tell me right now he was wiling also i've had two typically i've had pretty cordial interactions with homeless people the last two ones that i've run into have just been a fucking nuisance okay um it unhoused i was yeah unhoused experiencing homelessness i was a houselessness i was um i was crossing the street okay today hell yeah no side no crosswalk it's like a back road okay the road that that connects to abakini right there's no crosswalk what like the the like access road thing kind of okay um and i cross the street there's no one coming okay homeless guy goes don't be pretentious man and i was like i was like that's a great

chirp i was like what and he goes he goes use the crosswalk don't jaywalk don't be pretentious man and i just kept walking because i was just like i'm not it's not gonna be able to reason with this as an undercover cop probably yeah he uh and he was furious that i jaywalked but there was no there was no crosswalk okay um what's your uh what's your third oh did you do your second yeah all right my third one is sand cream sand cream is good all right i hate hate hate hate when you leave the beach and there's sand in all sorts of weird places yep every little crevice of your body every little crevice your body you're in the car it's hot you got sand all over your crevices it's not fun you get home you run your hair through your hand it's sand coming out you don't

kind of like it in a weird way i like it you don't kind of like it in a weird way no i hate it all right we'll get to the bottom of that in a second but continue sand cream sunscreen but it's sand resistant oh so you put it on like sunscreen and then the sand sand does not stick to you that makes way more sense than what i thought that i thought it was gonna be a cream you rub all over your body that like binds to the sand and then you wash it up but yours makes way more sense yeah no it's you put it on before you go to the beach you don't kind of like when it's in your when it's on your scalp and you're in the shower and you're you're washing it out and you can kind of feel it cleaning your whole body if i'm getting it out in that moment it feels good but if i'm

like got off the beach and went straight to the little hot dog store or something like a hot dog store like a that's where you're going after the beach yeah like you go to like a hot dog store did i say it weird no i just did i was making fun of like a little tiki bar you've seen the tiki bar meme account right no max found this awesome it's just like a it's a page of me it's a meme page but all the memes are just about the tiki bar that's like a thousand followers it's so funny i like hyper specific yeah do you want to hear do you want to hear the best tweet that i've seen uh do i ever we should oh we're gonna make a twitter for this podcast right i think we should we could like we could tweet funny things um i love twitter

but i just haven't really been on it since it turned into x i kind of i don't know why it's the same no it lost its appeal i'm just like i don't want to click on that yeah boring conversation well that was let's never do that again so nothing i'm just messing around i'm just being a little goofball today um this is my favorite tweet i've ever read okay this guy tweets hanging up the phone sorry that was my sensei he said he's turned evil and i'm probably the only student with the potential to stop him so i have to go home now all right your last pitch or uh this one is same guy actually so it says like in asterisks running my fingers over the mark where her socks are too are too tight please stop for me oh oh like that yeah seriously who is this uh

big money tito big money tito okay this one's really gross and lauren's gonna hate it is this just is this just the part of the podcast where rusty reads tweets yeah no no i'm saying this business oh and here's another one let's just scroll okay i'm actually we're gonna do a choose your own adventure you guys ready okay okay you either get one uh that is kind of boring but it's a good idea or one that's uh gross and lauren's gonna hate it i'll do the i'll do the gross is it gonna is it offensive oh yeah if it's no no no one's gonna be offended except for people who are just like oh why is he talking about that okay yeah i think you can't give us all that And it's the same material as the, like, thin paper that you put over the toilet seat to cover your –

Why are you so sensitive? It's not about that. It's just that I'm just painting a word picture. Oh, like at an airport or something. Yeah, it's like that thin paper. The girls have that too? Yeah. It's pants.

It's pants made of that. And it covers the tops of your thighs and then just, like, your stomach and stuff. and then it has a hole in the middle and it makes clean up a lot easier for when you're jerking. Oh, that did bum me out. Yeah, and then when you're done, you rip it off like NBA warm-up pants.

Like it has buttons on the sides. You just go about your day. Clean up is instantly easier. It just seems so impractical. So you're just always going to have one on under your clothes? No, you put them on, I think. It's like a condom.

I don't wear it when I'm not having sex. You don't wear this when you're not jerking off. I also like that Lauren assumed that you had to always have it on your clothes. Like, sometimes that just happens, like, out of the blue. Darn it. I got to spank my monkey. What's your favorite euphemism for doing it?

I don't even know if I have one. Spanking your monkey is good. Choking your chicken. Dropping your kids off at the pool. That's pooping. Fuck. That's pooping. All right, should we do a draft?

That was a strange pitch. Oh, you know what? I had a pitch. I can't remember if I said this in the first episode, but, like, we actually need this. A washer machine that just drops right into the dryer already exists. Really? I think so.

Or you already told me about that. I don't know. It seems like so great. Why do we have to change the laundry? Well, because here's the thing. Here's the thing. Each load is a different – you got different settings. I don't.

I use normal, normal. there's a setting called normal on my watch i think i feel like we just you'd run into some electrical current issues like the water going straight into the electric whatever there's probably some ec issues too all right lauren do you want us to do we got two drafts for you guys today okay it's gonna be great and we're gonna let lauren pick the first one do you want lauren do you want us to draft disney movies that don't exist or racehorses that don't exist first disney movies okay do you want to start us or you want me to start oh i i totally zoned out for like 30 seconds uh disney movies yeah i'm ready you want to start with that or what did you pick she picked

okay yeah let's do it do you want me to go first yep all right first i have horse boy extreme part horse part boy he saves the world one extreme sport at a time okay love it just want to get that off the bat first love it now you got like let's let's pretend i'm i'm the exec at disney yes i say love this idea what's why did one why do they need saving two which ones are you saving first well so in every in every movie in every i mean there's horsebar extreme two horsebar extreme three so like horsebar extreme one it's the olympics half pipe and there's someone cut a secret hole in the half pipe oh and sean white is gonna fall through it and die i understand so horse boy extreme is an extreme sports wizard guru so he comes in and he saves sean white right

before disaster that is so much better than what i thought i thought you meant i thought you meant that like they needed saving because people were like no longer interested in the sport so he came in and like revolutionized like people just didn't give a fuck about motocross anymore straight from god they needed saving yeah extreme's like a preacher that's fantastic yeah yeah no he saves him from accidents on the course okay my first one we've all seen honey i shrunk the kids yeah we've all seen it before but yeah we've all seen it we all love it what's it missing what's it missing bears lauren what's it missing spiders the other one was steve martin i don't know cranberry but also i took my headphones off and i feel like not normal at all but it was

shouldn't you be listening yeah isn't that part of your job to have headphones no i already know the audio sounds fine and it was hurting my head so i think of lebron james like took his shoes off this feels weird lauren is the lebron james of podcasting um okay um what is it missing what's honey i shrunk the kids missing a dark twist a dark dark twist a dark i was close you were close and i actually thought you were gonna say i started with it all right it's missing a dark twist there's not enough gore in it this is honey i shot the dog okay and it they were it was just a uh playful hunting day gone wrong okay now he has to explain to his wife why skipper's dead okay and there's no shrinking at all uh so that he we can talk about it but like

He probably, I would say, they do a callback, and he shrinks the dog to hide its carcass. Okay, so there's some shrink, yeah. Because I think if you don't have shrinking, then it's like, why is it even a sequel? Is it a sequel? Is it the same moment? They have a bunch, I'm pretty sure. I want there to be a whole section of Disney where they're just gory and messed up, but they don't tell you that that's the turn it's going to take. They just remake a lot of them.

you're gonna traumatize children that exists in what's it called spooktober or whatever you remember it would be like spooktober

or whatever it was called was like when it was close to Halloween they just only played Disney scary movies dude I didn't have TV

did I tell the story of the podcast you did I think that was the episode that got cut that feels so bad oh yeah tell them I didn't have cable

growing up from ages four to ten I don't think Lauren heard this either because Emily was the one that produced that yeah it was like

the first episode that didn't make it to air i think i said this but uh my mom got she got rid of cable when george bush got re-elected because she didn't want to see him on the tv anymore which seems like you just not looked at it could have just thrown on literally she was so pissed about it she took it away from all of us and she didn't get it back until she wanted to watch figure skating at the vancouver olympics which was 2010 but like four to ten are like peak like i've never seen spongebob i mean i've seen obviously like an episode here or there but like don't know anything about spongebob disney channel shows nothing i don't know what spooktober is and it's all i can i can exactly pinpoint it was george bush's re-election to the vancouver

olympics let me tell you something your mother and my mother would get along thick as thieves yeah i think you can tell exactly you literally tells me everything i need about that about her and she and my beautiful mother would hit it off we didn't have i don't think we actually we've never had cable at my mom's oh really yeah damn but we had like netflix and stuff let's just say i had a lot riding on the uh 20 on the 2008 election you were just i was like mom we got obama now give me can i watch the sweet life of zach and cody everyone is like this is a massive moment for our country i'm up election night first black president i rigged the like ballots so i can watch spongebob yeah it was a big moment in the denellan house you learned a lot about

yourself that first week probably it was it was monumental to say the least you discover actually i don't want to get into it but you'll i was gonna i almost spoiled one of my disney movies but you got it you learned a lot a lot of new characters i think we're gonna spoil the 2008 election uh you don't know what happens yet no it was a barn burn i didn't have cable uh all right number two i got armadillo armageddon the world is ending and only one species can save us and they actually don't wouldn't they not die if there's a like nuclear bomb because their shell is so hard is that your thing it's like either them or cockroaches i i was just gonna say cockroaches i had a huge cockroach in my room the other day if there was a nuclear blast the only

thing that'd be left was his cockroaches really they just like they're just like fucking immune oh maybe it's armored yeah well armadillo armageddon is that i guess we just took all the air out of your sails that's okay i gotta do my next one's better okay you go um so let's think about it this way what's the next step in zach and cody's life they've already done the sweet life they've already done the sweet life on deck airplane sweet life in the sack and cody wall street life okay they're business bankers okay and they're very corrupt and they it's almost like American Psycho

vibes Cody Zach's the fun when he's playing pranks around the office Cody is murdering in cold blood I like this

and they're on like they're on drugs yep big fit Zach is in a K-hole pretty much the entire time I think I think that would sell

Zach and Cody Wall Street Life if I see one of them have you ever seen a podcast where one is just like ripping a cigarette

he kind of looks like the character you're describing in that they play each other yeah zach plays cody and cody plays they switch all right you ready i got indiana jones and the skeleton sense um it's the the next did you you i'm assuming you didn't see the new indiana jones no it's harrison ford's like 85 and it lost 500 million dollars in the box office so my idea for indiana jones the skeleton sense is they it's in 15 years and they bring out

the bones of harrison ford and they it costs the budget is 10 billion dollars and it's terrible uh and it just kind of mimics what they did with this most recent one but this time it's his literal bones not just his aging body i like it that's so funny i was thinking about uh harrison ford the other day i just feel bad that they like they keep trotting him out it's like it's like it's like dude what are you doing trotting him out i guess he's somebody's to check in on him i know like you're old even the new star wars movies i was like dude like you don't have to bring yeah well he was frozen for like thousands of years no he was not han solo they get him out in like the next episode i'm pretty sure he was frozen for a while they put him in

carbonite for like like one episode to the next can i talk to you outside for a second okay my next dizzy movie it's called that's so rogan okay joe rogan plays raven simone's character and same family and everything same family they don't address they don't address where she went um and he just gets up up to all sorts of fun antics do you have you ever seen the x squad episode what is that so raven no i never saw it's a raven have you seen the x squad episode i don't remember any of the episodes that's so cory that was post george bush cory wants to join the x squad which is a just a ragtag group of like gnarly skateboarders okay they all wear matching blue sweatshirts that say the x squad on it sounds awesome and uh and like to to get

initiated uh cory has to like kick flip like a six stair or something he can't do or like bomb like a hill that like he's gonna get hurt okay and in an effort to i'm also going off my memory from 16 years ago so like forgive me if i leave out some details that was before your wizarding days that was before my wizarding days and um and in an effort to save him from having to like shred uh raven shows up in like an eye patch and pretends to be like the gnarliest skateboarder in town and somehow distracts them and then i'm pretty sure he gets to join the x squad that's awesome yeah it was pretty great what was the why were we is joe rogan joined the x squad or no it's just my favorite episode okay okay no that that actually happened

no i believe you i just didn't know how this was tying it in there's just a little tidbit okay i got garfield's revenge okay this fucking sucks this movie probably sucks it's garfield is at congress petitioning for a change in the calendar to get rid of mondays and he's employing a lot of dirty political tactics sleeping with congresspersons in the back office rubbing lasagna all over the toilets it's a nightmare and it's a national disaster streaming now i love no you you sold yourself short that is awesome okay thank you watch that It's a political drama, though.

It's not, like, goofy. It's not funny. It's sad. Rubbing lasagna. Why does he like it so much? It's not that good of a dish. It kind of fucks. I like lasagna.

I love lasagna. I like... Too much cheese. Chicken parm. Yeah. All right. I'm so hungry. I am really hungry.

It just occurred to me I haven't eaten lunch. It's, what is it now, two o'clock? I haven't either. This one's stupid. Do you want to get giada after this? No, I actually brought some chicken from home. Okay. i wanted to shout them out though we're doing free press for giada this one's stupid we're

gonna move on after it right i'm gonna say it it's called mary poopins and uh it's just mary poppins but she has crones okay okay jesus christ her insides are leaking that is tough okay you ready yep i got a uh a dog called taint it's the sad story of a friendly canine with an unfortunate name he tries to shirk it and make it as a the leader of a dog non-profit and local town hero but he seems to be always tied back by the fact that his name is taint yeah that's good all right should we do the next uh i got one more oh god uh air bud golden sorry it's just the that's already exists oh boy do i have some news for you air bud golden believer oh it's like a christian one it's a christian movie he's a jehovah's witness and

he's trying to spread the gospel uh and uh he doesn't play sports in this one you don't yeah yeah he's like he gets really it's like the thing he's really good at is praying instead of duncan all right that was dumb speaking of duncan have you guys we don't have advertisers no that's what you're about to do no it's just something that popped in my head um i heard that dunkin donuts has this the ice spice munchkin drink yeah it's like 2 000 calories fuck yeah i just it all goes straight straight to the badonkadonk from what i hear i die this is a hot take i don't actually i don't even want to get into it i don't want ice spice just gonna say like i don't get it you don't think she's hot i don't get it i i don't really get it either but i kind of i kind of i

like it she's a baddie yeah she is a baddie and she's showing her panty i kind of liked it yeah i like people who are just like extremely confident and i can't figure out why i kind of just have a high a lot of respect for that have you seen that like the ice spice move has like taken over youth hockey did i already tell you about this yeah yeah where they like bent yeah it's pretty gross what you know what the ice spice move is are you gonna make me do it on this chair oh like she's like bending over like slaps yeah yeah yeah whatever yeah uh they like it's the most popular celebration in youth hockey right now whatever yeah uh race horses that don't exist all right i'll go first yeah i got horse boy extreme yeah it's a double whammy yeah work for

both it does work for that sounds very funny if it was if there was a horse in the kentucky derby called horse boy extreme i would put yeah my money on it when you put it that way willie also texted me this morning and said uh he said secretariat also works for disney movies and horse yeah i was i was like sneaky yeah a rare scenario in which secretariat would fit both of our categories disney movies and horses all right my first my first horse is called um laugh more i'm can you laugh smile i am i am smiling are you grumpy because it's monday yeah lauren no i'm actually in a good mood monday lauren said she went out on you know you know she said if she goes out on friday whatever she's growing on monday yeah she came in emphatically was like

i went out on friday and i feel good today and now i'm not buying it she actually said saturday which is in fucking safe you're a mad woman we should lock you up and throw away the key why all right ready okay this horse is called if this horse loses i'll shoot it in the head and every other every other jockey doesn't want blood on their hands so they just slow down them i like that okay i like that uh i got jockey vessel i feel like it's always about the horses and this one is like giving a shout out okay so it's just called jockey vessel no one really gives a shit about the horse it's all about the guy on top yep all right strange cats they are yeah they're little yeah um wait what were we saying jockeys do in the off season something funny

we thought of something else that requires like being small aren't jockeys like five two yeah they can go through like the little doors in Lego Star Wars you know what I'm talking about like only R2 and like young Luke okay

that's great this one's called Elmer's Revenge so you know real glue guy yeah if horses suck

have you heard this one if horses are bad they shoot it and they make it they send it to the glue factory like glue is made out of horses so like is that true

what yeah what wait what are you saying sounds like that might be I think your dad probably told you that on the same car trip no it's like the same reason

like gelatin is like horse hooves because it's like what binds it together that's like what so maybe they take the hooves they don't use the body don't believe that um they send it to the glue factory whatever this is elmer's revenge and he's just he's just putting up a fight for as long as he can before he gets sent to the elmer's glue factory i guess that's if that's true that's a that's a good name you don't you've never heard this when they say we got to send it to the glue factory no like when a horse dies they send it to the glue factory i think that's an urban legend It's not. Are you looking it up, Lauren?

Okay, so it says, historically, glue is made from collagen taken from animal parts, particularly horse hooves and hooves? How are you? Hooves. Hooves. Hoovens. And bones. But today, they just use artificial materials.

Get fucked. Okay, I got Spur of the Moment. Love it. Really excited about this one. I love it. Spur of the Moment. That's like an unironically good one. I'd bet on that horse.

Spur of the Moment. Boom. I feel like that's probably been done before. Spur of the moment. No. It's great. It's so good. Do you like it, Lauren?

Yeah, I like it. Okay. Remember? Dialed in here. No, I just, I don't know a whole lot about the sport of horse racing. Neither do we. I don't know. What?

Rusty went to a horse race. I did. That's true. I've never been. All right. I got a couple. I'm going to go Mr. Hands. Okay.

Do you know the reference? Like from Mr. Bill? I'm not even going to tell you. It's a video of a horse just doing some pretty bad stuff to a guy. And the video is called Mr. Hands. But also, horses are measured in hands, not feet. So his name is Mr. Hands. Okay.

I like it. I got horse in this house. From like WAP. We got some horse in this house. How electric the walk-up song. You know that little part of the... He's doing the trick. You know that little...

We got some Horses in this house Got some Horses in this house That's also like The most electric part Of the Kentucky Derby Is when they like

Show them walking out Yeah It does that weird Like crip walk Yeah On the way out Yeah We got some

Horses in this house Got some Horses in this house Horses in this house Horses in this house Beat it up Run it Run it far

I'm a horse Fuck a car Alright lay it on me kid put that mane right in my face yep lay it on me beat it up like a what beat it up like a horse race what do you mean it's your turn oh no i just said uh oh no that was okay horse in this house so i have one two that's this is my fourth um do you want good pun or uh do you want a pun or do you want a scary one you got to stop doing this choose your own adventure All right, I'm going to go Midnight Rider.

Okay, I like that. I think we've been dicking around a little bit, and we need a serious one. Yeah. Midnight Rider is a legit, sick horse name. I think Paul Revere's horse was called that. Was it really? No, he had a midnight ride. Midnight Rider.

Midnight Rider. Ain't never going to catch the Midnight Rider. You ain't never going to catch the Midnight Rider. Write that down. Sorry, that's what I was singing Oh You ain't never gonna catch the midnight ride Alright, lay it on me, kid

Scratch Yep Cause like, you know when a horse is scratched And they're like And number 20's a scratch But this one, they'd be like Number 20 is scratch And people would be like

Wait, what? So no one would bet on it It would affect the betting odds Then you're the only one that bets on it You make a fortune Cause everyone thinks he's a scratch Cause it would say number 20, scratch And people would be like

Oh, I'm not betting on that Down Make a freaking fortune no one could they wouldn't drive the lines up all right my final one watch me nay nay but it's spelled n-e-i-g-h n-e-i-g-h i like that a lot watch me nay nay it's a good one i haven't what do you think since you're on your phone i haven't made lauren laugh once she's dead energy today you're just a bag of milk over there okay well sack of carbon i from now on need to eat lunch before and then i'll be able to talk more okay so we got to make sure to feed you before the podcast

oh god is that over yeah i think she's that is that over i think she did it god i think she didn't good god good god i have i have a dank lunch in the freezer downstairs mexican casserole all right what's your fifth that that was my fifth you you go last or you already okay i think we're done oh i remember what it's from good god man you almost got the cheese touch oh from remember that what i had to share wait i have actual tears streaming oh no what i don't really care okay what is next that was a suck oh god god you don't want to reminisce on a classic i did i

actually i'm gonna be honest i love those books oh i loved those roderick rules went brazen roderick did rule i also until until i was in until i saw the movie i thought it was loaded dipper like i didn't get the joke that it was loaded what like i just was bad at reading yeah yeah you're pretty bad it's definitely diaper i know i'm just saying like i did it like i didn't i don't know why i got so mad at you about that i know no he still he didn't spell it right i know but it yeah whatever oh you're right i guess you're right he put it was like an eye but it had like the umla over it or whatever yeah but i still didn't like i didn't get the joke yeah like i didn't know what it meant unironically kind of a sick name for a

It's kind of like butthole surfers Is that a band? Yeah They sing Something Whose personality are you going to steal this week again man? Oh fuck I forgot about this part I did too

So we're going to think about it on the fly Lauren you got to get what we think Whose personality are you going to steal? I'm stealing Daisy Jones' personality Is that from that movie you talked about? From the show From the show Because she's inspiring

I'm going to steal Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle's personality. I think he has a healthy indifference towards like bad shit. He's also I think a genius and they don't really talk about it. He also, he's just

a leader. You remember that episode where he got sent to the special ed class and he like just led them into being better. Wait. I don't know. i've never seen it malcolm what were you talking about malcolm in the middle lauren does this fun we were talking about earlier lauren does this fun thing where

um i feel like i'm being mean to lauren today i'm sorry but lauren does this thing where she just blacks out for seven seconds yeah at a time and we'll miss it's like a ball we're talking about and then yeah she takes a little possum shots and then just asks immediately the second you're on talking about something asks you the question that you just answered yeah yes yes like are you talking about exactly what you were talking about too yeah it's like yes yes we were yeah and i thought yeah okay i want to steal we're going to um i want to steal like um like an american sniper chris kyle i don't we're going to the uh we're going to the pll thing yeah pll championship game on sunday oh lacrosse yep and my i've apparently been tasked with i'm the guy who has to shoot the

t-shirt cannon oh during so you want to you want to shoot it with such accuracy i want to be able to pick out like someone in the crowd and be like gotcha yeah maybe just like maybe maybe you should model it after like a really good mascot not like the most deadly person yeah okay i want to be uh the philly fanatic yeah that's a great mascot best mascot go best mascot is uh wally probably wally the red sox mascot not he's just like an off-brand philly fanatic no he's the wall the philly fanatic doesn't make any sense because they don't he's he's not like why is he green because wally no you know who i'm gonna go with there was a local trash company that sponsored the portland sea dogs and it would come up and it was a trash can it would eat people that's cool

but then it's like i don't really want my kid in there yeah why are you wait what's the sea dog's name well now they're the oh the uh slugger slugger yeah slugger the sea dog's pretty great i remember like distinctly how he smelled yeah getting hugged by him there's a really good one in lancaster where i grew up lancaster barnstorms this guy called silo put the picture up he looked cool well this was just a blast thank you for tuning in thank you for tuning in we love you and uh we'll see you guys next wednesday can't fucking wait cannot wait hey also i want to start a thing where we can kind of just gauge what what's going on with the people listening what's a fun thing for them to tell us in the comments they should pitch they should send us dms pitches

please dms pitches we'll give you credit and we're gonna read we're gonna read the best we're gonna read the best fan pitch yeah each week yep all right love you guys