Will & Rusty's Playdate - how to flirt with women at the bar

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Starting point is 00:00:30 we're going sideways down the interstate we are hydroplaning playdate episode 97 nope 98 98 uh conor bedard we already know that that's him so we don't even have to google it that's a good that was a good one yeah you spell it right too first try i know how conor he's on the blackhawks He's on the Blackhawks. You love the Blackhawks, right? Do you think the next, because we had McDavid is 97 and he's 98, do you think the next great hockey player will be 99? Nope.

Starting point is 00:01:12 Are you joking? Gretzky? No, but the next guy, do you think he'll do it too? I think he'll be 100. Well, we'll see. All right. You guys look like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. No, we would be opposite.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Here's my fucking thing with those guys. he all of a sudden this obviously is a played out like bone to pick yeah he can just miraculously miraculously doesn't have like whatever bedridden disease he had all of a sudden all the second the second he can go to the chocolate factory he can get up yeah the fuck out of here get uh maybe maybe work men used to work now they just go to chocolate factories instead of bed all day i think now they just go hang out with augustus gloop instead of going to work everyone's just like all right i'm just gonna hang out with augustus gloop and mike tv it's like go get a job from the movie there is there's a guy named mike tv yeah in charlie and the dragon he's like one of the

Starting point is 00:02:07 main guys which one is is he like the blonde kid he's like dressed like a cowboy mike tv look up mike tv nope absolutely i refuse to believe there's a mike tv well lauren's got like what is she's got like bells and whistles and dials over here turn that shit off can you go can you Lauren, can you look up Mike TV? Yes, I will. I'm trying to make sure. She's trying to make sure all the apps, all her apps, she's paying for apps. She's buying apps.

Starting point is 00:02:33 No, it's TV. Yeah. Oh, what? You weren't even joking. No, why would I be joking? Wait, what about him? I don't. He's one of the main guys.

Starting point is 00:02:40 I mean, why would you be joking? Well, we were all talking about the movie, and then I said a guy, and you're like, what? What the fuck is that? What the fuck was that? You have to give it to me that Mike TV sounds like a name you made up. Yeah, but he's a make-a-wish kid. Yeah, he's the fucking bad boy of the- the make-a-wish he's the bad boy no he's not he's a guy in that movie he's a guy in that actor's

Starting point is 00:02:59 name is mike tv no he's a character in that movie he's a character in the movie willy wonka i didn't like his character i didn't like that he's a character in one of the millie wonka movie the fact i have a stroke and die oh my god how we doing today come on i'm doing great i got a fucking but i got another bone to pick hey me it's not a plated episode unless i'm extremely mad at someone which one of us not either of you guys i would love both of you guys okay i was in the line for in and out and uh if you've ever been to the westwood in and out you know that you go behind the drive-thru goes behind the building and there's a car full of fucking hoodlums and they're sitting there and they're waiting and uh and i thought that they were like leaving

Starting point is 00:03:49 they were like parked at a different business and they were leaving and they just drove in front of flan and i in the internet line just got in line they cut it they cut us in the drive-through line which was something i have never seen before and the guy who's taking the orders i think assumed thought we when he was taking the order he thought we were next like he had registered that there's a white car behind the car i'm doing right now and then when he looked over now we're two cars back and he made a face at us like what the hell and we were like i don't know the guy they cut it sounds like you let him in she let him in she was driving and i she got i was kind of i thought it was funny at first until it started taking longer and then i was on her side but she

Starting point is 00:04:34 was like what they cut and i was like yeah you kind of fell asleep at the wheel there you can't i'm a i'm a kind of a believer in like if you don't i mean the in and out drive-through line is crazy but in traffic it's like if you don't put up a play some defense you can expect to get a little offense i used the exact that's very well said i used the exact same uh thing to her when we were she either drives way too aggressive and i think we're gonna die or she's like letting everyone take advantage of her on the highway yeah and i told her like because she gets upset And then I'm like, well, if you're going to be upset about it, you've got to play a little defense.

Starting point is 00:05:12 See, I don't ever play defense, but I don't ever get mad if they cut me. I let people in until I get cut off, and then all bets are off. Then it's like the next guy is getting cut off. Even if I don't need to be in that lane, I'm getting over just to cut someone off. Okay, I see. I don't drive ever, so I don't even have any – I don't even care. We're going sideways down the interstate. We are hydroplaning.

Starting point is 00:05:39 That is a song about your commute to work today, right? We went on a different podcast this morning. We went on the TMG pod with Noel Miller. When is it coming out? I actually have no idea. We should ask that, I guess. Probably a week. He was very nice.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Very nice guy. It was cool. It was, did he have a green screen, which is maybe something we could work on? That would be sick. so that we could like instead of having to get trinkets and put them here we could just think of trinkets oh yeah and then green screen me like um big jack dudes giving us massages yes i would like any number of those i um do you like jacked guys or not jacked guys lauren answer very carefully i don't read the room i don't i don't i actually genuinely do not care for someone being

Starting point is 00:06:29 like super jacked come on like doesn't mean anything to me yeah uh do you like jacked girls lauren or will yeah a jacked girl is awesome but spin me on spin me on your head like a street performer spin me on the head like a like a like a game of twister hey so we're watching the masters do you watch the masters learn no rory mackroy one i heard i know about it career grand slam pretty big pretty big time and i was hearkening back if you will to uh when i was a kid and i used to go to my grandparents live on a course in hilton head where they play a tournament the rbc heritage with the cool striped lighthouse yeah gorgeous yeah yeah so i used to go there you go bragging again there i go bragging again uh they live right on the on the fifth hole lauren

Starting point is 00:07:19 did you know will's grandparents have a trust fund set up for him he's like a richie rich kid they do not they live on the golf course in hilton head uh nepo baby jealous busted uh no i got they did get me they do get me presents for christmas every year though which is like a trust fund that you get now trust fund for my my cousin evan my grandma used to like get us like 50 visa gift cards every year or no she would no not that actually she would put like 50 or 100 something into our college fund every year for christmas and she would just give us like an ornament and a thing that said like i put this money in your college fund and one year my cousin evan at christmas goes hey grandy once i have enough money for college can i get a real

Starting point is 00:08:04 present and then after that she started giving us visa gift cards because she realized like even though this is the most helpful thing i would rather get like the you know validation from my yeah them now my grammy would get us uh ll bean fleeces every year and i got sick of them and then it's one of those things where you don't realize how much you need a fleece until grammy stops giving you one yeah you're like oh that actually would be kind of a killer gift now i would love yeah i got a lot of lb anyway i would would go to their their golf tournaments and uh i remember the i walked out on the course i would like go out after the tournament to try to look for stuff and one time i saw tiger woods's caddy throw a cigarette on the ground he was like

Starting point is 00:08:55 smoking a cigarette during the round just kind of fluff fluff yeah lauren pull up pull up fluff caddy he's from maine legend yeah he wasn't tiger's cat anymore he was caddy for jim furick and he threw the cigarette on the ground and i was like he's like a golf legend so i went out there after hours and i got his cigarette butt because i memorized where it was and i put in a little bag and labeled it fluff's cigarette and i had it for about two or three years and then one day i remembered that i had it and said that might be the weirdest thing i've ever done and i just threw it out in my life why why would i have that uh it's like a moment in history yeah i don't think it is it's like oh my god this is the cat the cigarette that

Starting point is 00:09:40 mike fluff cohen smoked on the fourth hole of the rbc heritage in 2014 yeah that's pretty funny yeah what do you that's right now that i say it out loud that sounds fucking sick like i threw out like like napoleon's axe sword do you think you could have sold it no i think i could but it's like hilarious what if like eating it cloning techniques come back and then you could clone the perfect golf caddy i mean if i still had it now it would be pretty funny he used to check the wind by putting his cigarette cigarette out like this and see which way the smoke went tiger will like blindly trust him that's awesome he's the fucking man yeah and i threw it out like an idiot is he alive lauren that guy yeah it says he's 77 wow 77 also i saw you google

Starting point is 00:10:26 uh fluff caddy wife no i didn't i didn't google it look i clicked on images and then i and then that so it's suggested and i wanted to see if he had like she bust it is she bad no well i don't know tiger woods wife the one that hit him with the golf club when she found out he was cheating yeah went to rollins lived on lake virginia which is the lake that rollins on and let me tell you uh i don't want to make generalizations but i would let tiger woods cheat on me a million times to live in the house that she has pull it up lauren look up like look up biggest house ever look up uh biggest house with guys look up tiger woods ex-wife winter park home didn't didn't he have a bunch of wives yeah

Starting point is 00:11:16 yeah this is it uh no that's not it but that one's also sick it is the cool look up like lake virginia florida's biggest house look up biggest house they ever made ever for all time record house biggest house what is okay that one lit up the second one is hers i believe i say no that's not it either but the point is stunning the point is yeah that's that is that is probably half that half the size of her house on lake virginia this this lake has the oh this is a crazy story the family that started bacardi of that bacardi lemon live uh has a house on lake virginia and i don't know the full story you'll have to google it i believe one of them somehow all of them like got murdered in the house and it was like either the wife or like it was like a

Starting point is 00:12:20 it was like a soap opera thing like this like like extremely wealthy family everyone died in this house and uh yeah we used to go you could you could paddleboard out take paddleboards out from the boathouse yeah and what we would do was we would uh bring some beers okay first of all illegal but okay paddleboard out uh out on lake virginia paddle through a tunnel into a neighboring lake called lake osceola we would tile our paddle boards together and sit there and hang out with beers very cool which is very fun until you get that thought of like oh there are alligators here and then uh then it's very scary yeah have you ever been bit by an alligator no but i've held one i've pet one i've held one i have killed i've shot one in the head yeah that's a true story

Starting point is 00:13:09 we'll put a picture right here yeah um i tanner's little brother wiped alligator blood on my face it stinks right the blood didn't stink the out the alligator was the worst all right everyone close their eyes everyone at home close your eyes picture the worst smell you've ever smelled wait don't some people like a lot of people listen to this while driving yeah okay cool picture the yeah if you're driving uh close one eye keep one on the road picture the word think of the worst smell you've ever smelled can you picture that yeah make it five percent better smelling okay it's that bernie it is bernie did some guy fox yeah i i was testing out for all the colognes in our office yeah i walked into our office this morning and it was it smelled like

Starting point is 00:14:00 he had emptied eight bottles of cologne on my desk i had some fox boxing he was fox boxing or hot fox he was hot foxing he's foxy for our audio listeners uh they're in a comfy cozy blanket yeah they're trying to freeze me out i walked in here i was like it's fucking freezing in here and they're like well you're like i i was hot earlier and i'm like well you're also wearing a winter coat i was hot not a winter coat uh for our audio listeners lauren is wearing giant giant ski boots and uh she's got a hat on that says uh make america vegan again and she's got a four-story apartment at home it's four stories but it's one room and it's a four things a fridge and there's a fridge lauren lives in a fridge lauren lives in a fridge inside of

Starting point is 00:14:56 clementine he lives inside of she lives inside of a fridge lauren how was your weekend yeah come on what'd you do come on let's go come on lauren what did you do weekend lauren was partying this weekend i was actually i went on a i actually had a little bender last weekend and this weekend bender binder and uh emily bender emily benda that's something it was great it was very fun and great but i'm tired and i'm the anxiety i had a pretty exhausting this morning i did i couldn't get out of bed till like nine i was really struggling you hung over i'm just really tired like my body like you know when you're just you feel like a million did you do anything to embarrass yourself no it's not what i heard but i but i unfortunately yeah lauren what i do this

Starting point is 00:15:47 weekend what are you saying what do you what do you imply i know something you guys don't know tell will tell will or i will what oh about my glasses tell them the glasses story though do you know the story wait what do you i don't know the glasses story but i know something you don't know what is it just why don't you tell will about your weekend learn what's my weekend now you're scaring me okay at the bar this is funny this is really nice i don't know what you're talking about what he's doing you is my worst nightmare if something someone could do to me so i'm empathizing with you right now i'm excited about the glasses story but i hope she gets to the bottom of the real thing all right tell them

Starting point is 00:16:34 glasses story what is the thing you ate your glasses tell me what you ate your gut all right tell the fucking glasses you guys know my cute little round glasses that you wore that one episode yeah they were so cute yeah i lost them they were fake so they weren't that expensive and this kind gentleman at the bar may have venmo me two hundred dollars why because he wanted me to get another pair and i was like oh i was just like saying how sad i was that i lost them who was it just like woody harrelson's brother just like some random guy lauren peels some random guy demoed you 200 he had new glasses yeah because you told him they were real mu mu glasses no i i no i was just saying that i was

Starting point is 00:17:23 really sad that i lost them so why were you like where's this guy live i want to go tell him i lost some of them i lost a ps5 he's like who are get out of here man i lost my car you're not like a pretty girl i don't know wait uh why were you like consult why would why would you why were you crying on this guy's shoulder i wasn't okay it also you were at the bar it was he was by did you buy your drinks uh no no that was a lie you bought your drink i don't know no mia wait my friends were talking like we were like hanging out with this group for a while and they were all men girls girls were you guys being safe yeah obviously girls and guys like a cool fun group of people um and then this basically i was just it was the word was getting out that i was sad that

Starting point is 00:18:13 i lost my glasses because everyone was like trying them on and then i think it was mia's fault but it's fine i just was just a little upset but how and then how did you lose were you guys like running around trying them on in different places i don't know i don't know okay all right where so the guy's just like he just felt bad that i was sad about it and was like oh i'll buy you new ones i was like that's so sweet but you don't have to do that he's like no trust me like i make a lot of money like it's it's nothing to me it's fine like he you know who was he just what was his name i'm not saying my celebrity no no oh i wish was it mike tv i fucking knew it i knew she was hanging out tv because i saw you posted augustus cabled she posted with uh augustus gloop in the victoria

Starting point is 00:19:01 one too and so i was like she's probably with mike tv wait really yeah you were with the cast of willie wonka not the cast the characters uh they're like seven you know all right she's lying to early 2000s not the og um wait so you so here's here's where your story doesn't line up uh you gave him your venmo because he didn't he didn't just guess your venmo he pulled up his phone handed it to me and i typed in my venmo i mean i would have done the same thing for the record and and he goes and he goes how much like 100 150 i was like maybe you lied and you told him they were real no i didn't i didn't he said what a hundred wait you're shaming over this i think this is a great move epic well she got two hundred dollars from a guy just let me just tell

Starting point is 00:19:48 you let me just tell you girl from experience we are glad glasses ain't free daddy gonna get his somehow pardon he's gonna want like feet pics or like crotch shots or something oh my gosh you have to Venmo him a crotch shot okay well I think it's I support that you got $200 thank you I was stoked I think we should split it because I've been so supportive

Starting point is 00:20:15 Willie look at me she's bending the little truth she goes he just Venmo'd me like whatever you milked him for all he was worth I thought you said you didn't milk him I did

Starting point is 00:20:30 well no he's gonna want you to milk him at some point for 200 bucks okay all right 200 bucks in this town gets you milked man that's i've charged all right are you gonna tell are you gonna tell willie what you actually did what what is this thing i don't know i can't i can't dox you but i'll tell you guys after the pod but i think lauren should i know something you don't know or i know something you know but i know something you don't know what is well tell him well or tell tell them will tell them will tell you tell me nope we'll just cut it if if you're gonna say it after it's if it comes from if it if it comes from me it's not gonna be funny it's gonna be like i'm like making fun of my friend if it comes from lauren it's a real story that happened wait

Starting point is 00:21:13 what now i'm like really scared and embarrassed can you give like a hint somebody did something a little drunky poo what what is it you got drunk you didn't do anything i was hoping you were just like a confess to an embarrassing secret if i like kept being like i know something but i'm sure you did something embarrassing because you're like um you're like a huge booze bag my mom was listening to the pod this morning she was dying at the bit mrs hoagland mrs hoagland i am completely joking yeah it but i will never stop doing it because it makes me happy and that's what counts yep uh wait was she the part where i didn't i say like something to her in today's today's oh sorry i thought you last episode i were yeah whatever it doesn't matter

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Starting point is 00:24:17 and uh it was i had a couple triples and then i was like you know what sounds good is cookie milk and cookies uh ben and jerry's so i went in my freezer oh my god wait i discovered the greatest thing in the world this should be my pitch but it just already exists what's the worst part about scooping your own ice cream with a spoon it's like flinging onto the floor it's hard it like hurt you know when it like hurts your palm because you like can't like go in as hard as you want i put an oven mitt on you can press as hard as you want no it doesn't bend the spoon not the spoons you got like titanium spoons i got fucking my spoons are so heavy dude i know isn't that like it was like a problem i've been dealing with my entire life i've tried heating up the spoon

Starting point is 00:25:02 i've tried heating up the pint you need an ice cream scooper bro yeah but i'm sorry i'm not fucking mr money bags over here i can't i'm not having random strangers venmo me at the bar um no i actually have like no money but um i put an oven mitt on you can press as hard as you want get all ice cream you want but here's the caveat hit me the pain is what keeps you from from putting like all the ice cream in there like like you get you can get way more ice you get to a point where You're like, this is enough. I don't really want to keep doing this. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:34 With the oven mitt, I literally just scooped the whole pint out into a mug. And I was like, all right. And so I went into my bedroom. I was having just the time of my life with the Ben and Jerry's. Woke up at 11. I usually go to bed at like 8.30. I fell asleep before I could get ready for bed. So I woke up with a-

Starting point is 00:25:50 You usually go to bed at 8.30? Yeah. That's why I'm up at- I text you guys at like 6 in the morning. I know. Yeah, I'm just early to bed, early to rise. But I woke up- You just poured it all over.

Starting point is 00:25:59 fully clothed on top of a maid bed with uh i annihilated the mug but it was dripping onto my chest woke up at 11 20 the most confused i've ever been i had to just put the mug on my thing like shamefully get undressed and then get under under my bed you got under under your bed he went under his bed did i ever tell you i used to fall out of my butt i used to fall out of my bunk bed when i was a kid and then one time i didn't wake up when i like still probably one of the most impressive feats anyone's ever did i fell off the top bug didn't wake up rolled under rolled under the bed woke up thought i was dying yeah i don't know i was telling us today about some pranks some guys do where every time their buddy falls asleep they build a coffin

Starting point is 00:26:42 around him so he wakes up and thinks he was buried alive what does that entail like what do they like they put like a cardboard thing over him and put him on top of a table so that he wakes up and it feels like and then like bang on it and wake him up that's so sad i know it's a viral prank i guess apparently that's the viral prank for wait i have a question like you go to 8 30 we work it ends at 6 you go home you get home at 6 30 and you eat dinner and then just go to bed i i get uh i get home i make dinner yeah i eat it i get high i put on a movie put the sleep timer to 30 minutes i've never been awake when the tv is turned off i just fall it's not like i'm like i need to be yeah and i just fall asleep by 8 30 i don't believe that like you text us at like 10

Starting point is 00:27:39 sometimes i'm awake it's not every sometimes i'm awake sometimes i'm awake oh i'm awake uh i feel like i'm yeah mine's like 10 10 30 i i also have gotten it's more about how early i wake up like i can go to bed late i still wake up at that time got it which is kind of a nightmare like i haven't slept in even on weekends like i just wake up at what do you do in the morning before work uh consume short form content that's what i do i wait i wake up and i watch about i wake up unplug my phone it's at 100 i watch about two and a half hours of tiktok my phone's now at 40 i plug it back in get in the shower jam the fuck out i think our brains are like irreparably damaged oh my god well it's so bad it's so bad i i didn't have service in colorado for a little bit

Starting point is 00:28:34 and it was like the end of the world yeah i'm literally i think we're all killing ourselves like i'll be on a plane it's not connected wi-fi and i just sit and refresh it until it works yeah i've been getting really into chess against uh my friend connor attaboy c i'm getting good i don't know his last name so i just had to say his first initial sego sego uh oh here's something that happened junkie junkie junkie last night i was so excited to make pasta for dinner with vodka rouse vodka sauce there she goes with vodka again lauren pasta with vodka is not the same just make it with regular sauce lauren it doesn't have to be vodka sauce lauren that's what lauren calls having like a sidecar with her dinner like i have pasta it's

Starting point is 00:29:24 plain noodles and then she has a shot of vodka and she goes she pasta with vodka sauce and everyone goes you're letting us down she cooks it in she you're throwing your life away for the bottle you boil vodka long story short i was so excited to cook dinner for me mia and then the stove wasn't working our stove still is not working i was supposed to call the gas people today they i forgot um so basically i had triscuits and hummus for dinner mia had tortilla chips why don't you just postmate something i had spent so much money over the weekend i had hummus for dinner the other night too really yeah with a spoon i just know with chips what kind and carrots uh i had two types of chips i had pita chips and tortilla chips and then i had a bag of uh baby carrots

Starting point is 00:30:08 that i had just bought for trader joe's baby and then i also had uh some of these little get to the fucking point man trail mix crackers yeah and i tried dipping one of those in but i didn't like it very much it's like a cracker of it i learned something i learned something everyone take their phones out everyone at home take your phone out let's try to see how long i could tell that story while he was freaking out everyone take your phone out everyone take your phone out everyone at home take your phone out unless you're driving if you're driving pull the fuck over right now and take your phone out i learned something so fun and we're gonna look okay everyone open the uber app uber uber or if you're banned open lift are you banned are you banned i don't think the lift does

Starting point is 00:30:49 this go to account okay go to uh activity oh it tells you like how wait oh guys i took a i took a waymo over the weekend nice boo do not like way most sorry go to account scroll down click settings go to wait settings wait activity or account no no sorry account account this low key just makes me sad looking at all the money i've spent on scroll down on account lauren i'm on it and then click settings wait okay uh then go to privacy oh my god then click see summary okay no one look no one look at privacy see summary yes no one look yet this tells you you can see what people have rated you on uber okay and it so i've taken 500 trips uh i have earned a rider rating of 4.85 guess how many times i've ordered uber eats

Starting point is 00:31:52 it's gonna make you sad it's like a thousand lauren 849 652 times i'm only 32 but here's where it gets good 123 uber eats that's really good so you guys are both uber eats people well i use postmates but it counts uh and then okay here's where i mean i don't i've i've been with it for 3 000 days how many days have you been with it two 2 866 how many trips have you taken 189 taking 500 how is that possible i use lyft a lot because it's tied to my delta um okay this is where it gets interesting scroll down and click view my ratings this rocks view my how many one stars do you guys have three wait where damn uh zero 4.89 guys get this 149 five stars one four star how many ones i'm a zero i have all five stars every single one of my 181 five stars two

Starting point is 00:32:50 fours three threes and three ones do you have any ones i have yes many ones i have 475 stars 10 four stars six three stars three two stars which i think is the biggest slap in the face where it's like yeah it wasn't like they were just trigger happy like that's a rational person being like this was not a good ride and then i have 11 one stars what the hell are you doing in there that's what i was saying i haven't done anything bad i think it's like yeah it's got to be like just like hammered right yeah i feel like that's you're probably trying to kiss him touch him i think the one where i uh grabbed the steering wheel and yelled i'm the captain now probably was one of the one stars and then the other two were probably when i shit

Starting point is 00:33:33 yeah wait what was telling us the story in the uber i shit his pants and then he went to a bar you tell the story did i tell you this story i was i didn't you hadn't told me this story so Oh, yeah, I did a bar crawl in college. It was like senior year. It was like the last hurrah senior bar crawl. We all bought tickets. First bar goes off without a hitch. Second bar we're at is this place called Hamilton.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I know Hamilton. In Boston? Yeah. Yeah, I was at Hamilton, and I waited in line for the bathroom to pee, and as I'm peeing at the urinal, I go to let a little gas out, and I shit myself while I'm standing at the urinal peeing. i crapped my my pants were you where were your pants pulled down no if he goes out onto the floor yeah just no no you your pants were around your ankles you shit and then it landed in your

Starting point is 00:34:24 pants so you like you shit your pants but like not with them on but yeah some guy behind you and it hits his pants you shit his pants i tried i almost shat another guy's pants no but i uh i wanted to go so then i was like andy's pants i need to like get clean up obviously i know immediately but there was like a whole line that i just waited in so it's like i can't just still confined to your butt cheeks yeah but it was not insignificant in the cheeks like i've i've like charted but it's been like oh and like it's like in my it's like in my butt cheeks and i can like waddle to the bathroom and then like there's none of my underwear yeah but like basically i i had no i had no ability to go in the stall unless i was like hand up i shit myself which

Starting point is 00:35:08 i wasn't gonna do so i just left and ubered home and did all my friends did the bar crawl could you smell your poop uh no i don't think so but i had to sit in the uber on my own in poopy pants so what what was so embarrassing about just walking into the stall no because so i had waited in a whole line to get to the urinal so there were guys waiting for the stalls and also you and i hadn't you already gotten caught with the nosebleed thing like will used to fake didn't used to fake nosebleeds to get to the front of the line of no who was that that's funny someone used to be like oh oh and like run like run past the line everyone would let them go and then just get in the urinal and they'd be like that guy doesn't have a fucking nosebleed

Starting point is 00:35:49 oh i've never done that yeah who did that one time my friend shamus made me laugh so hard i shit myself at a uh it shit myself is the is it is an overstatement i like a little bit came out you look at hershey squirt a hershey squirt in my but it was confined to my butt cheeks and so i ran into the bathroom uh without telling anyone and uh yeah it was good there was a girl that uh pooped at that same house was the huntington a girl pooped yeah likely story the huntington house which was like this um it was just like a house that kids would go frequent if you wanted to like darty whatever and uh and didn't flush it and uh uh made me really gross it made you gross made me really gross

Starting point is 00:36:33 especially when it got all over me then it was nasty we're going sideways down the interstate shabu we are hydroplaning i met shabuzy shabuzy some i'm gonna see him on saturday someone pull me up a double shot of crispy get prepared for him to play that song four times that's all i want when he or i want last of my kind too i'm the last of my kind i saw him in montauk and he sang that song four times in a row and then left that's awesome that's all you want out of that yeah uh what else is going on with you lauren what else is going on with you any yeah wait what's the boy sitch um i'm not talking about this on the pod okay well what's the girl sitch i met i talked to a girl nice oh can we do another role play i'm a girl at a bar you want to

Starting point is 00:37:25 get my number i didn't i didn't we went to the bar scott and i are trying to talk to more girls when we go out because um we've developed this what does that conversation look like between you and scott uh scott we gotta do we gotta talk to more girls when we go out what were you gonna say you and scott have developed what uh a habit of like before i feel like we're like we got it we gotta like do more stuff where we're like around like single people our age and like putting ourselves out there and then we've been actually doing a really good job of it lately like last we did venice run club uh and which was actually great and then like this weekend like we went to bars where they were like it was like the right setting and but we just like don't ever go up to

Starting point is 00:38:07 them or initiate like we go to the places like like normal of guys to think that i think we were trained as kids that like going up and hitting on girls is like always bad but i think there's like a there's like a polite way to do it yes so like we haven't learned on friday night we were we had cards and we're gonna play beat the box and i just said to the girls at the table over i was like hey do you guys want to show up you're like no no you know the game like where you like high low like could be the deck and so i was like hey do you guys want to play with us and they play with us and they're very nice did not get any of their information or names even but uh but i think that's like one small step for man yeah like you set the tone that like

Starting point is 00:38:50 like girls are gonna like if you guys do that enough they're gonna be like those guys are super fun and they they never and they never ask for they never ask for your number like it's just like we just go out and we have a good time and we aren't gonna be like creepy at all yeah but i think there's a lot like you don't have to be creepy to like flirt with someone i was never good at flirting exactly that's what i'm trying to all right but like we went to the we went to run club which is like all these young attractive people our age and then we finished it and we just stood on like the side of it and sipped our waters and then walked home kicking rocks what's everyone else doing after like socializing wait let's let's role play it role play uh i'm the girl

Starting point is 00:39:31 will your will lauren you are you are the dating coach you're gonna give will advice okay on how to All right, so I'm at the bar. Lauren, put some fun bar music and chatter behind this. Hey. Hey. Be serious. No, start over and be serious. This is real.

Starting point is 00:39:52 This is real. This is real. Be serious. Wait, are you dancing? Yeah. I'm at the bar. I'm having a good time. Okay.

Starting point is 00:40:01 Wait. See, I don't even know what's the opening line. All right, Lauren, pause. Dating coach, what would you tell Will? okay well i think a good first or willis or lauren show them how it's done um well i don't know either now i'm nervous i'm pretending i'm a guy yeah see i feel like there's no way to approach a girl without being like weird why are you saying that guy at the bar um why are you talking like you're on a podcast guy at the bar come hit on me

Starting point is 00:40:30 hey how's your night going i'm good my night's going great thank you so much for asking how's you're not going it's fantastic what are you drinking i'm drinking a vodka cranberry juice because uh it's fun but it's low-cal can i smell it yeah oh um my dad used to be like uh gotta make sure it's not poison that you'd have my dinner that's what that would do poison chick all right sorry lauren kidding okay and then i'd be like perfect wow we are awesome at dating and and scene all right will will do you feel like will do you feel like you learned a lot yeah i feel pretty good about it i don't actually try it out try it out okay hey hey how are you wait i know you right uh i don't know

Starting point is 00:41:20 i saw you from the window of my office yes on the street and i googled and gawked i don't like when we're trying to be serious and you why are we what do you want because i want to see you hit on me i want to see you hit on me holy shit god it's i think about it all the time this was like a covert way for me to get you to hit on me and you won't do it i think the mic peaked Hey, do you want to play cards with me and my friends? Yeah, that sounds really fun. Can my friends come? Wait, I'm the friend.

Starting point is 00:41:57 Hey, can my friend Coram come? Maybe just us. Yeah, that's fine. I hate her anyways. Okay. I'm trying to think of what a guy can say when they come up to you that makes it not creepy. Like, I feel like there has to be, like, some initiating, like, action or, like, something. Or it's like you meet, like, a friend of a friend or, like, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:42:18 The only time you could ever deem what I was doing as hitting on a woman went horribly wrong. I was in, or I guess it just went nowhere. Like, I immediately got flat. There was this girl at Rollins that I recognized, but we, like, ran in different circles. And I asked her what she wanted to drink, and she didn't hear me. well i would say i did i dated a girl in college what and i know there i go bragging again and it was the coolest thing i've ever done i used to like walk by her no well i didn't mean that but this i used to walk by her house after work i would always go over to scott's house and we'd

Starting point is 00:42:56 like grab a beer or whatever through windows and yeah throw rocks and shit uh no but i would always walk for my house i was it was when i mowed the grass and i would get home and then i'd walk over to scott's and i would always like walk by her house and like she'd be out on the porch a lot and i just remember like always walking by i think she was really pretty and then when i just stopped i was like hey i feel like i always see you walking by like i'm will and then i was like can i get your number and then i got it and then you dated and then we ended up dating yeah isn't that sick oh wait that's really cute yeah that is really nice yeah it's the coolest hair i was gonna make fun of it and then i realized that it was nice and sweet and yeah or it was like i think

Starting point is 00:43:32 she was like listening to a song and i was like oh i love this song and she was like yeah he's the best and i was like wait i think i have a song you love can i text it to you or something and then i got it is that the smiths i love the smiths yeah yeah i was well i watched that movie last night playmates at home summer got it will you guys please if you're a guy comment and then what you would like a girl to say to you and if you're a girl comment what you would like a guy to say and then we go i might have mentioned this part before so then we went on a first date so it just like worked it was awesome and then we had a date like a few days later and uh we get down at a restaurant we're sitting at the table next to lil zan and that's hilarious he's just like

Starting point is 00:44:11 zanned out like yelling shit and stuff but it was kind of a perfect like icebreaker for like the awkwardness of the first date like what the hell is that i i think that that obviously you can't script stuff like that or you can't plan for stuff like that on your first date but lauren recommended this restaurant when flan and i first started going out and it's they do tasting menus so there's constantly one it's fast so if it wasn't going well yeah you would get out quickly but a new dish is there every constantly something to talk about minutes so you have like something to talk about and then um yeah i our second date did i did not think that went very well what was your second date uh we went to evilly and we were eating and uh it was just their waiter

Starting point is 00:44:54 was nowhere to be found and it was one of those things where like you're trying to keep your cool but at the same time where the fuck are these are you want to have like more than one drink too because you're like nervous and then uh he wasn't he just wasn't coming back but they closed permanently fuck them let's go i fucking hate that small business we should we should be like uh the i was i had an idea for like we could be the bad boys of yelp oh yeah yeah we're like bring back like like hardcore critiquing yeah like i want to shut down some motherfucking small businesses come on um i will shout out i went to laurel hardware it was fucking awesome is that a restaurant yeah they were so nice we were being that table where

Starting point is 00:45:41 she came around three different times we still weren't ready to order usually they would get frustrated about that yeah she was super cool about it that's awesome i went to dudley market last night oh i told you that and i think the burgers overrated good but it's not the best burger i've ever had and i feel like people keep saying it's the best burger ever the food there is fucking fantastic well here's the here's i like a thin burger and it's a thicker burger so maybe it's just not my i think their their their theory is if you make someone wait long enough and you're that hungry like that like anything will be the best thing you've ever had if you i feel like you your only perception of this place is the one time your girlfriend went

Starting point is 00:46:19 at peak hours and it was late but when we tried when we all stood there we wouldn't have been able to get sat for like two hours yeah like if you go like a peak hour on a saturday friday or saturday you can make reservations outside of peak hours oh yeah or like last night was like a sunday evening and i waited an hour but that's still long yeah i mean it's a popular restaurant but i think i think ihop is a restaurant i think ihop is hot take i think ihop's a restaurant I think IHOP is arrested. I think I got arrested. I think I got

Starting point is 00:46:55 arrested at IHOP. I think guys I think I just got arrested. Oh fuck. Did you see that? Oh my god. You see that guy whose dog killed. You're gonna have to bail me out. Yeah this isn't funny. I wasn't saying it was gonna be funny. You're gonna have to bail me out. I got arrested at IHOP.

Starting point is 00:47:12 I think I just got arrested. Oh my god. Oh my god I think I Your friend who has no idea What getting arrested is Oh my god I think I got arrested

Starting point is 00:47:26 You're always gonna bail me out You're gonna have to bail me out Cause I just Just now got arrested I think I'm arrested I think I just a second ago Got arrested No put the blanket back on

Starting point is 00:47:37 You don't wanna see my leg Well I just like the cozy Leg This guy Outside of our outside of our favorite salad shop uh his pit bull attacked a toy poodle killed it and then outside of what salad shop alfalfa and then he ran you haven't seen this today he ran away with his dog and now they're trying to find this guy killed the little dog when i was in college i'm

Starting point is 00:48:05 anti pit bulls i love i love pit bulls i love pit bulls i think you need i think you need to be hyper aware of where your pitbull is at all times if you were walking it yeah it was like that pitbull killed killed a family's newborn baby like their own pitbull killed their baby and they were like what they were like we never saw it coming or whatever and it was like i don't know i don't think if i i think if i had a newborn baby i would not get a pitbull holy shit yeah that's really scary when i was in college there was uh there were there was this house called orchid and like 16 kids lived there so it was ginormous and there were constantly dogs around because kids either like had their own or were like dog sitting for someone my friend colin was uh dog sitting his

Starting point is 00:48:54 brother's dog oakley and uh my friend jake's parents dogs were in town and they one of the dogs attacked oakley and they had to put like a tube in its neck and but the dog they didn't put the other dog down one time paul's dog bit willem who's willem willem defoe no willem grants remember one time paul's dog bit willem one time paul's dog bit willem that's what i just said wait you i just said that then you tried to make it your story all right guys this episode is brought to you by our good friends over at twisted tea guys if you're sitting there drinking a twisted tea and you're going this tastes like real tea let me tell you it is real tea because it's made with real brewed tea and five percent alcohol it's

Starting point is 00:49:49 refreshing it's a killer drink it gets the party started people are gonna love you if you are it's not contingent on that but people are going to love you even more if you show up with i like to get the party pack because here's why i like the original peach i like peach half and half personally half and half is my favorite but i'll settle for a raspberry come on it could be that's not even settling dude that the actually the raspberry one is gas i would say raspberry and peach are it's between the two for me but they're both effing delicious usually fucking they're both fucking delicious that's right twisted tea is the perfect alcohol to keep the party going all day long we're talking good times we're talking turning bad times into good times good times

Starting point is 00:50:34 talking good times all around good vibes whether you're hanging out at a friend's house at the bar or on a weekend getaway just looking to get loose twisted tea is there to turn your day up a notch and make a good time a great time so keep it twisted and grab yourself a refreshing twisted tea today let's get back into the episode i remember coney 2012 that shit was fucking insane yeah i'll tell you about my how i was like really into that i feel like vaguely i was like really into coney 2012 and i'm telling me and carter standish dude we were like we watch that video and we look to each other one second well get off the phone no i'm listening this is actually important our gas mia has to call the gassy bullet before it turns oh cool it sounds like

Starting point is 00:51:18 me has got a handle don't keep talking about coney coney hot dog oh yeah so me and carter standish watched that coney 2012 video and we were both like holy shit we gotta do something and so they had that like cover the night thing where everyone like hung up posters on one night it was supposed to like everyone wake up and see them everywhere we got so into it we printed like a million of the things and my dad let us stay up and then went out with us and admit because you're supposed to wait till midnight so we had like a sleepover will marjoram came it was the whole squad we stayed up till midnight and then we went out marjoram damn right awesome uh and we went out and owen wallace was there i think yeah i think it was a four of us i don't know we went

Starting point is 00:52:06 out and we hung them up all over the city until like one in the morning and then my dad took us to get slushies at turkey hill and as like a treat and uh and then we woke up the next day i was feeling very proud and went to school and i remember my teacher was like what the fuck was up with all this litter all over my street this morning there were posters just everywhere in the street because like we like hung them all up and then like you know wind had like and uh like and i was like i don't know that sounds crazy my teacher was like complaining about like heroes It's like, who the hell did that? That's just really good for the kids, though, right?

Starting point is 00:52:44 Our child soldiers. Child soldiers. Left, right, left. And then the guy who started Kony, naked and started jerking off. What? Yeah. He had like a mental break.

Starting point is 00:53:01 The guy who started, not the guy who started Kony, but the guy who started Kony 2012. Wasn't Kony, it was like a fake movement, though. No, it was real. I thought it was all fake. I think it was, like, all fake. I didn't know. No, it's real.

Starting point is 00:53:14 Lauren, will you Google that? I'm almost... Google Joseph Kony. Well, no, no. He was a real guy, but I don't think they were... Like, the whole thing was that they were using... Ow, my balls. No, it was real.

Starting point is 00:53:25 Ow, my balls. Look, click on it. Wait, Lauren, blur my balls, or just don't go. I'm not letting my... I put my fucking heart and soul into this thing. It wasn't real, Willie. It is real. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:53:38 Kony 2012 wasn't real. what do you mean it wasn't real you're not you have to elaborate on what that means i don't think that it was a real guy coney like i think he was a real person but like they made up the story i don't think you know it's real so they're just trying to bring awareness like i don't really remember yeah the campaign resulted in a resolution by the united states senate and contributed the decision to send troops no but i don't think it was the african union what i don't know it's my i believe we used to we used to call this one drill uh in lacrosse practice coney camp if coney wasn't real i'm gonna freak out can you just google if it was i think if it was

Starting point is 00:54:23 what do you mean it was fake like it just like they were misappropriating the money no no like the like the narrative oh the the story is definitely true joseph coney's definitely a real guy oh but i think maybe they misappropriated the fun we can just lie to like 30 000 people no it's horrible it's twice a week i can just say whatever i want doesn't even have to be true well yeah yeah but it's not illegal unless i know it's not true and i don't read so i don't think it's illegal if you know no like you can like that mary kate thing oh yeah yeah yeah you gotta do all the barstool guys have no but i didn't know it was fake also i didn't say that it was true i just said this is what's this is what they're saying have you heard all this no remember that

Starting point is 00:55:07 thing that he brought up a while ago about like the girl sleeping with their friend's dad or something so like there's all these people that like reported on that and then apparently it's not true and like her legal team is like going to fucking bat so all these barstool like personalities have had to post these like apology videos for basically doing what he did i didn't do it i said this is the story that's going around and that they all were like this fucking this fucking idiot this is what happened yeah i said this is just what they're saying i what i will say i met some of those barstool guys i had nothing but positive experiences with everyone yeah who same uh i really liked feidelberg i don't know anything like okay you don't know

Starting point is 00:55:50 feidelberg vital fights he's awesome what are you why are you doing that what you're making it seem like it's funny that that he's not you're making it seem like he's not awesome i'm not making i'm not saying i think it's a funny it would be a it's a funny person to expect to learn to know but obviously they're they're great i had nothing but positive experiences with all those people um all right bro's trying to plan his exit strategy he's trying to get in the good i don't think i would do very well at barstool i can tell you that i think the stool i think the stoolies would eat eat me alive dude this with the barstool stoolies would eat me like a ham croissant for breakfast ham croissant a hand croissant a hint gods oh all right guess who's gonna jettanize

Starting point is 00:56:38 holy fuck should we do a roadmap yeah all right we have a beautiful episode for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitches followed by our pitches then everyone's favorite segment say with me teach me something then we're gonna do this guy rocks this guy rocks this guy rocks today hey hey i said this guy rocks and he rocks so hard he rocks in your house and he rocks in your yard there's rocks in my yard uh and then we're gonna do things to do now that the weather is nice followed by bible verses that don't exist let's get into it oh and then we're gonna finish with everyone's favorite segment rusty's song of the day the playmates have been listening to that shit and it's kind of blown me away because there's only three songs in there but by the time

Starting point is 00:57:27 this one comes out there will be four there's a little bit of a dab there yeah yeah oh uh yep guys if you haven't followed the playlist yet it's called rusty songs of the day i think there's about three or four hundred of you guys on there now so come on go check it out playboys building an army you should weaponize them somehow you should figure out a way to weaponize them you to start making it all like alice in chains music and then the youth is all we're gonna poison the youth poisoning youth sorry cozy podcast okay pitch submissions first pitch is from kev ray kell kev ray kell okay he says dear lauren and the dream starters woohoo come on my wife and i are long-time listeners when in the the dream starters is an awesome name yeah it's epic okay my wife and

Starting point is 00:58:29 our long-time listeners first time pitchers we listen to bed every night your best friend's birthday is coming up dream starters what is it what's his wife's name i don't know what's his name kev what's his last name ray kell kell mr and mrs ray kell we really hope that this is going to put you to sleep and uh we love you sleep close your eyes sleep he says sorry your best friend's birthday is coming up and you don't know what to wear let me introduce re-wear how it works scan it just like my fitness pal but for fashion you scan the tag of any clothing item to log it snap it no tag no problem take a picture and re-wear will recognize and categorize it style it get ai generated outfit recommendations based on what you own and then re-wear and

Starting point is 00:59:12 replace love an item but lost it or shrunk it in the wash rewear saves length so you can repurchase with ease with rewear your closet works smarter so you don't have to download now and refresh your wardrobe effortlessly keep up the great work much love from rhode island that is fantastic all right ready willie i'm the i'm what is it called rewear uh rewear all right i'm rewear willie pitch me an event what pitch me an event that you're going to that you need to know your outfit stage coach beep boop bop beep boop dickies jeans cowboy hat uh maroon maroon cowboy shirt that you have and cowboy boots i don't have cowboy boots and reebok shoes i have reebok shoes it's probably i guarantee you're gonna wear that exact outfit what's the maroon shirt he has a

Starting point is 01:00:05 maroon cowboy shirt ever seen it what's a cowboy uh it's not really maroon maroon's like a red What is it black? It's like brown Tan What does maroon into? Brown I mean No no no

Starting point is 01:00:17 I meant to say What does a cowboy shirt Maroon is to leave someone On an island Deserted So scarlet it was What did you say Lauren? I said what's a cowboy shirt?

Starting point is 01:00:26 Cowboy shirt? What's I don't know A shirt for cowboys Look go to my Instagram The one with Dylan Goss Oh yeah Yeah That one

Starting point is 01:00:33 Cool Yeah I love it One of the buttons broke that pitch was fantastic yeah that was great well done oh also that reminds me

Starting point is 01:00:47 look at all those videos that's so many eight we can see now that we are on the topic of families that listen to Playdate Peyton Ward shout out her baby watches Playdate and I like to think that

Starting point is 01:01:04 when it grows up it's going to be just like us hot okay maybe the other adjective for baby no what no you said just like us when it grows up jesus you're hairy hairy your baby's gonna have a ton of chest hair your baby is going to be a harry potter extra in the new series that's my prediction all right thanks kev rachel what was your dream that you pitched for was like blah blah if blah blah then you're the mayor i don't know if you dream about a co-worker all right have you ever dreamt about a slur

Starting point is 01:01:42 no actually probably you guys have definitely been in my dreams yeah you guys are my dreams all there's one dream where you were like way way way too high up in the air and we could not figure out how to get you down no i've had i've had dreams where it's just like work stuff though where like we're in the studio for so long and there's always there's a bunch of shit going wrong and i get but that's not a dream that's just every day i had a dream that i it was either i think two nights ago now and i just i like pissed in a trash can because i thought that was like normal at someone's house and then i was super embarrassed and like my i knew all my piss was in their trash can and like they were gonna find out and i it was like right after dinner i was like what was i

Starting point is 01:02:23 thinking that's like mean something yeah oh what does it mean if you dream that you pissed in a trash we asked chat gbt google what's it mean if you dream be pissed well well lauren's pulling that up i had a dream about you and i will and we murdered a guy oh no and we wrapped him in this like red thing and then we had to find a place to bury him so we buried him and there was a garden inside we buried him in the garden i was terrified someone was gonna find it sounds terrible terrifying what did okay releasing emotions in the wrong place crossing boundaries rebellion or low-key defiant feeling out of control or embarrassed as long as you said i had to pee no i think you're crossing boundaries you think i've i've i've been crossing

Starting point is 01:03:11 i've been crossing someone's boundaries wait the trash can might represent a space you think is already dirty or discarded but it's not meant for that kind of release oh interesting i don't know if or or it could symbolize that you're trying to let go of something but it's not in a healthier appropriate way that might be true all right um can i pee and then we'll hear another pitch yeah sure all right what's the prank what's the prank i thought you were gonna hide under the blanket quick quick quick quick quick what what's the prank um tell them that there actually was something you were hiding and that when you were you were blacked out this weekend and you uh actually met woody harrelson's brother and he drove you home

Starting point is 01:03:54 not woody harrelson's brother not woody harrelson's brother uh the the guy who venmoed me it needs to be someone that we know tell him it was sam's roommate brett he'll believe that all right should we prank lauren yeah let's Quick quick quick Let's tell her the moon The moon is made of cheese Made of cheese Can we do a draft that's just like

Starting point is 01:04:23 Complete nonsense And have her think Like top Or what if we do like What if my teach me something Takes place in a place called spork No she knows spork So fake word

Starting point is 01:04:43 like say it's like modern modern day sprandleberg yeah the next pitch is from rachel hoff rachel says dear lauren goldilocks and the big bad wolf big bad wolf lauren okay goldilocks what's the worst part about making lunch um you guys make lunch more than i do so not having all the ingredients at the office there's maybe that's running like i run out of ham sure is that right there's no way the answer is that you're right out of ham oh lunch is just like an inherently boring meal like you're not gonna have like a like a crazy blowout meal oh i disagree dude i think lunch is the best meal breakfast is my favorite meal dinner no lunch because it brings up the work day and you get

Starting point is 01:05:37 I love sandwiches so much. Sandwiches are my favorite food in the world. What? I thought you said something else. He said... Rachel says, when you procrastinate all day, when you procrastinate all day, forget to make food,

Starting point is 01:05:52 and then you realize you're hunched over with hunger. Introducing the Crave Wave, a smart ring add-on that predicts when your hunger will hit. Oh, I like that. So it tells you when to start making the food. So it gives you a 30-minute warning before your your hanger hanger hanger i guess i've never heard someone say it like that versus

Starting point is 01:06:12 like hangry yeah uh before hanger sits in sets in alerts like you're 20 minutes from spiraling start boiling water uh there's zero judgment maximum snack prep support and for groups crave wave can sync meal preferences and suggest options when everyone can't agree help you make a choice faster crave wave saving you and your and your group chat from your next hunger-fueled meltdown i love it and here's why yep i will be like i'm being healthy by like putting off eating and then i think i'm good and then out of nowhere i get hit with this wave and i the 20 minutes while something bakes or boils is like hell i might as well you might as well be putting my feet to the fire yeah i think it i actually feel it's more thinner than lunch

Starting point is 01:07:01 because lunch is usually easier assembly but me too yeah i'll get home for dinner hung so hungry yeah all right should we pitch each other here yeah i got this ready this friend radio yes it's just like if you're bored and just want to talk about something you can just turn it on just yap i mean it's like kind of like what this is i guess but it's just all your friends yeah anyone can hop on and so if you're like bored and want to like see what people are and you can just switch around the stations i can hit the rusty station see if you're up talking and there's one guy that's like like kind of curating it all no i think everyone's on different channels oh so you both be going at the same time and you can just kind of like switch around and

Starting point is 01:07:44 see if anyone's on friend radio whatever you're thinking yeah it's just like you can just talk about anything you could sing you could love that eat you could crunch you could crant what would you do on my channel crunch probably just talk what would you do you want to start your own podcast someday so many people have asked me that every time i tell my podcast producer they're like would you ever start your own like i don't know because if you ever this is yours though uh do you not feel like you can to an extent well we kind of drive the conversation yeah like all yeah like you don't feel like you can speak your mind here no i can definitely speak my mind but i feel like if i had my own podcast like i would it would just be like all right it wouldn't be

Starting point is 01:08:25 what you try it out let's try it out i'm your first will and i are your first guests on your podcast start it up lauren um and all the big execs are listening to this so make it count well i don't know i i probably wouldn't have any guests for like a long time okay do a minute it would just be a minute it would just be me talking do a minute do a minute of my own podcast do a tight five hello everyone welcome to i don't know what i don't know what the name would be but i know that i'm laughing with lauren nope wouldn't name it that but boring lauren boring lauren every saturday every saturday every saturday night live live every saturday live from nine live from new york live from new york your direct competitor is saturday night live

Starting point is 01:09:12 yeah no i post a lot of videos just of me talking like on my like close friend stories we're not on that is it about us no fuck no i just no it's all just like my no it's just like my girls and we be on it i thought i was like a gal pal yeah i thought i was too i mean like you to an extent do you trust me with your life yeah i trust you guys sometimes like when have we ever let you down i feel like we're very trustworthy wait don't answer that when about when was the last time i let you down um i don't know no no i don't think you've never let me down good you guys have both let me down repeatedly to the point i've become numb to it when was the last time i let you down i'll let you down no i don't uh i don't know all right okay like i said i've become numb

Starting point is 01:10:03 to it i don't think i would start my own podcast just because would it be like uh like a life podcast more um yeah yeah i don't know probably talk about like my anxiety boring boring snooze fast make me laugh uh all right what is the worst part for my working playmates out there what's my worst what's the worst part about meetings uh too long lauren boring boring snooze uh hey hey hey hey uh boss man change the fucking record already amen this could have been one fucking email here's my thing i don't mind meetings uh i think that they sometimes are useful 90 of the time that i'm in a meeting i have to like sit on my hands because i do not want i've never wanted to be anywhere less than in than in that conference

Starting point is 01:11:04 room these are contacts you pop in uh they wire straight into your ears yeah and uh you just watch tv while you're in the meeting and then it takes notes as people are talking so if it if it if you have to say something it'll give you like a quick debrief about what they're talking about i this is my contacts that connect to your ear it's contacts that you're looking and you see the tv but it's like hardwired into your ear so you can hear the tv as well got it um i just hate i hate meetings so much i think they're so stupid um i know that's pretty childish but like for our sometimes for our job i go but i don't even get this yeah ah it's too long i don't like them i do see their value they should be i think we should i think the

Starting point is 01:11:53 longest meeting that should be able to be scheduled is 30 minutes anything past that i've never been in a meeting where we've hit the 30 minute mark and like a brilliant new point of view happens like i agree usually it's just like talking in circles if you forced people to just make it a 30 minute meeting that's fine and i would even concede if i had these contacts i would wait until the 30 minute mark to turn them on what about a 100 minute meeting i don't think it would work yeah probably not um i think that's great you know speaking 100 minute meetings we went on the that aforementioned podcast today tmg oh yeah how long was it what how long was it it was like two hours but then when i looked on their page all the every episode

Starting point is 01:12:37 they do is like 50 minutes yeah so either we talked way longer than other guests or they or they edit every episode down heavily yeah probably about probably mixed above we'll find out i still can't get over that that guy venmoed you 200 i've never had i've never had someone give me money but what was this guy like mr moneybags who was this seemed like it yeah was he did he have a cane and a mustache and did he live on boardwalk um no did he have a mustache no did a cane what did he look like um you being like you're being like i'd feel like this is a is it someone we know definitely because she was like beating around the bush it's someone we know um i think what do you mean you think i think it's someone we can cut we can

Starting point is 01:13:28 cut this is it like a friend of ours i after the fact i learned that it's someone that you guys i thing no who is creed from the office um i think i'm pretty sure it was like sam's one of sam's roommates joe no the other one brett yeah doesn't he have a girlfriend we have to cut this brett venmo to you two hundred dollars yeah i don't know why is that fucked yeah i mean he has a girlfriend he shouldn't be buying girls glasses i don't know that's crazy why didn't you just tell us that oh i like didn't really know if it mattered how why were you with him were you with sam no he was out stag all by himself you just got breaded you guys set this whole thing up you never got two hundred dollars no i did i did

Starting point is 01:14:28 wait no i got two hana but but he was like wait what part was the prank that it was you got breaded that's yeah i'm like bowfinger i'm like he was trying to tell me that it was kyle kuzma and i'm like i don't know who that is it was kyle kuzma yeah that would have been a way better no no that was what we landed on and then she panic no that's actually who it was but i said oh what yeah i thought you were joking oh no i'm not joking kyle kuzma van modi 200 my fucking ass yeah you have the weirdest life she it wasn't get kuzma it's i didn't believe that you got bowfinger for a fucking second the old one two bowfinger kuzma wait the joke of the weekend with me and mia and our friends over in town was that

Starting point is 01:15:19 there was a frog in our apartment so we were saying that killer joke that was made up that was yeah but it was funny because we just kept texting our group tripping like you guys the frog like it's back it's under the couch and like you guys are the silliest little girls it's funny my emergency contacts and me when me when me when i get frogged frogged it was funny you had a frog in my bed one time what yeah you've told this yeah ew uh who's ready for charleston but and then i went oh and then it hopped all the way down yeah all the way down all the way down main street come on what's the street in charleston king street how did you know that because i know charleston chuck it's called chuck tizzy call it chuck james well jane's like moving back there

Starting point is 01:16:04 for good really because i knew you all right who's ready for teach me something uh i'll go please uh so i was reading about germany because i watched inglorious bastards again what book was it well what german book was it you're reading it again no i was reading wikipedia sure okay will reads a famous german book in his free time and he this is where he this is the joke where i'm a nazi lauren got mein kampf no i uh i got the joke then i was okay so i was reading about the city of stergenberg what stop tapping oh sorry i was reading about the city of stergenberg and that like its sister it's the sister city of stergenberg in the u.s

Starting point is 01:16:56 in kansas yep that like burned down very famously and apparently when it burned down uh there was one building like a one foot or not one one foot building like a one floor a one floor building in the middle of stergenberg that didn't burn down and when they they built it all back up they like built around it so now it's just like the skyline worst prank of all time what the hell are you you got berged get stergenberg that was the worst i could not figure out what it was that was interesting that would have been like i actually was like i thought you just swapped the name that would have been an interesting teach me something like there's one in the middle of the yeah

Starting point is 01:17:36 Sturgenberg skyline there's one one foot building so I got bergs you got Sturgenberg yes my real fun fact is that there's a

Starting point is 01:17:45 there's a a bird it's a it's name is Wisdom I believe it's an albatross yeah you know about it I know what an albatross is

Starting point is 01:17:56 okay that's Alcatraz it lives oh no that's where I'm gonna go that's where they're taking me I think I just got arrested. It's 74 years old.

Starting point is 01:18:11 Wisdom? Wisdom, the albatross. Is that long for an albatross? Yes, the longest bird ever. The longest bird's been alive ever. Wisdom. He's around 70. The oldest bird of all time.

Starting point is 01:18:23 That is not what an albatross looks like. Did you know... Isn't that a 74-year-old bird? What if someone hunted it on accident? 75 now? he laid an egg at 75 come on oh my god guys i thought he was wearing converse i literally thought he was wearing converse he's not in that picture those are pf flyers but do you see the vision i literally thought that was like lisa's least do you see the vision

Starting point is 01:18:54 god forbid i get like god forbid a white girl catches a vibe yeah type shit yeah shit um i love that will thank you that's a 75 year old bird that's like almost yeah i mean it's so do you google oldest bird i know how his brain works and he was like teach me something i do not have one do you want oldest bird is that what you did can you make the video cut out this episode i want to choke him is that what you did make the video cut out make the video cut out she googled this bird yes at least i've real at least half years aren't even fucking real when was the last fake one i did i don't remember there's so many i can't even count but they're all real all right let's see

Starting point is 01:19:39 let's hear yours all right the year is 1651 charles ii of england had a very very bad day on this day uh he had just lost the battle of uh do they say worcester in england or is it worcester whatever lost the battle and the and the country was crawling with people who wanted to either capture or kill him okay so what does he do willie tell me he went full disguise mode charles shaved his beard put on some old tattered clothes clothes and pretended to be a farmhand he spent weeks on the run hiding in houses barns and famously an oak tree which is now called the royal oak to avoid capture by the parliamentarian soldiers at one point while pretending to be a servant he tried helping a woman clean a roasting jack which was uh a device used for

Starting point is 01:20:36 like turning meat when they cooked it yeah um she scolded him for being super clumsy and famously said that it was clear he had never worked a day in his life which was true he was he was uh either a prince or a king at this point um she had no idea she was making fun of the future king of england eventually charles made it to france and years later he reclaimed the throne he loved to tell the story of his escape and especially like the part where commoners unknowingly bossed him around that pretty cool yeah that's pretty cool can you google this guy what do you look like charles ii google charles ii disguise it was like a no it was one of those like big noses with the eyebrows and glasses

Starting point is 01:21:20 disguise oh this was the fucking no that's of spain that's awesome isn't that cool they don't oh they don't have any photographs i think it was before wait he is wearing the glasses and fucking mustache well that's no i know but i'm saying what are the odds of like that of like us joking about that and then it pops up yeah it is kind of crazy oh look at that yeah okay so i was right wow lauren pause this immediately and i mean immediately quick quick quick okay oh yes i've seen this this is my favorite group of guys of the week um this is richard weiss and he says it's almost white girl music season it's always white girl it is four buddies on a very small boat going what looks like a hundred miles an hour through a river and they're jamming out

Starting point is 01:22:07 let's give it a shot good boys go to hideaway dude this guy's so close to falling off dude can you imagine how that feels yeah it's fucking awesome what a squad oh that's a great tune that is a good song i love that we do the good shoes are like spring concert my freshman year college daya yeah i didn't go oh i think i was like too cool with money bags yeah for not going money for a four-day dia i didn't go oh you had so much money you didn't even feel like you needed to go yeah that's awesome yep they rock they sure do rock i do i love country guys country You guys crack me up. Yeah, they're funny.

Starting point is 01:23:00 Country girl, shake it for me. Yeah. Like, that fit on the boat is so funny for some reason. Did you see Katy Perry's going to space? She already went, and is already back. Did you hear them coming back down? They were all, like, screaming bloody murderers. Really?

Starting point is 01:23:14 I mean, yeah, we all probably would, but, like, they're not real astronauts. They were freaking the fuck out. Lauren, Google. Wait, that's Mike. This guy rocks. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, true. We got to stick to it.

Starting point is 01:23:26 All right. Sorry, I wanted to show you Katy Perry. All right. This is Mark Byrne I like his tall hair Thank you This is Hong Kong A city where anything is possible

Starting point is 01:23:37 And everything can change in an instant I'm Mark Byrne And this is the story of my journey To make Highlight Fusion a global sensation This isn't just a show Every decision, every deal Could change everything The pressure is rentless

Starting point is 01:23:54 The stakes are higher than ever And the time is running out The pressure is what? rentless it's this thing he came up with just keep going can we make this happen stay with me because this is going to be a race against time and the world is watching all right well i have a couple questions for you i mean i want highlife asia to be what he wants it to be yes i have a couple questions for you firstly what is highlife asia no idea but i'm in uh two who is he mark burn he's the creator of highlife asia

Starting point is 01:24:36 it's actually not doing horribly wait go to the caption learn what is it wedding planning service okay so all of that was for event management concierge services and entertainment solutions what it does not say wedding anywhere it says that's the first thing it says where wedding planning service oh first thing that's okay we're all learning we are all learning it's lauren's first time living too it's my parents first time on earth too uh i like him yeah i love him i feel really bad for him though why because of his hair there's a multitude of reasons why i feel bad for him oh i think he's doing well i mean he's probably getting like so much crazy crazy what well what's he getting he's getting

Starting point is 01:25:26 he's getting all sorts of crazy what what say it say it growler look at him in this he looks so different in that picture come on he's getting all sorts that brother he's getting crazy deals also i like that it's not official mark burn it's officially mark burn like he's been fighting for it he's rentless um i like him a lot i am kind of shocked he's a real guy yeah every deal could change everything good way to look at it i mean yeah i think he rocks where do the good girls go to That made me feel weird.

Starting point is 01:26:14 Oh. Why? Just like, I don't know. It made me just get like nauseous. Oh, nachos. Nachos. Ooh, nachos sound good. Ooh, nachos sound awesome.

Starting point is 01:26:24 Should we get beers and nachos at this? Nachos. I can't. Why? I don't want to. Oh. All right, you guys ready? Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 01:26:36 These are Bible verses that don't exist. The blankets. uh oh page becker's drafted one overall nice hey hey hey okay now crazy crazy bowl with the big old hat all right uh timothy 812 the man who smells the strongest stench often bears the heaviest pants i forgot to title mine i'll think of one spot um grontis 513 a man who takes the fry that is dark and soft when he did not pay for the plot for the when he did not pay for the fries has a place in hell reserved for the sick and twisted i like that a lot those are my favorite fries the dark and soft ones yeah you know there's like one that's

Starting point is 01:27:38 like brown like really brown you're like oh that one's gonna be it's like mostly the skin or whatever no no no it's like dark brown and soggy oh you can tell it's gonna be soft no it's not it's dark brown and soggy it's dark brown and soggy it has a sock like material it's not the skin no it's like lauren google like dark uh dark brown dark dark could you just google dark brown and sake look up like dark brown fry are we getting dark brown fry no no no like oh my gosh no yeah stay on track go yeah okay no there's like one there's always one that's the playmates are gonna know what i'm talking about there's always one that's like the skin of the potato no no no no no no no it is the inside of the potato still

Starting point is 01:28:23 okay what are we doing right now she's google best fries in the world i mean i'm not gonna be able to world like india mcdonald's thing there is one that's like limp and long and brown now that's oh i don't like those ones those are my fave yeah i don't know maybe i don't like it limp long and brown that's how i like them all right uh mergel 222 the pain of the vehicle in your side will feel insignificant when compared to the insurance company's bounty that is often cited by guys who throw themselves in front of cars in new york city this is uh chris 9-11 he who listens to the ignored in a group conversation will sit at the left hand of the father when he gets to heaven oh that's really nice thank you crunkle 619 a bug in your

Starting point is 01:29:20 lung is worth the largest gulp what does that mean sometimes you got to take a big gulp at the risk of catching a bug because it's worth it um what why do you why are you taking so because i'm thinking about what the name is give me a fucking break i didn't realize you were gonna do like fucking go above and beyond here i sent you an example of one i had that uh this is gertrude 416 the woman who is willing and comfortable to be the big spoon is the holiest woman on earth oh my god that's all i want i want to be snuggled so bad someday hunter 445 the most rugged hat is often the cap of the wisest man i like that a lot um this is

Starting point is 01:30:12 is this our worst playdate ever no this is like the best one what are you talking about this is like one of my favorite episodes this whole time I've been thinking this is the best episode we've ever recorded are you serious I mean I think there's a lot of like but like the meat of it

Starting point is 01:30:27 is good no this is a good one alright this is this is Phillip 913 and then god said he who talks and then god said he who talks about me too much and makes me his whole personality is annoying and typically a hypocrite i like that one uh pranley 411

Starting point is 01:30:55 for he looked to the ground and said hark my fly is downeth i like it do you like it because you got really quiet after because you like we're still looking at your phone like there's more i was just checking if there's any apps are there any tons oh my god all right wait i'm not done yet oh i'm sorry um this is i'm trying to think of a woman's name i don't know this is kate 612 one of our closest female co-workers uh this is um no it's just funny that you said i'm trying to think of a woman i don't know okay this is catherine 612 and then when you feel abandoned by your creator is when you will find him in the bosom of a beautiful lady wow when you feel like

Starting point is 01:31:51 you lose god uh check the tatas check the usually he's there you'll believe that he's there if you look a woman straight in the nipples oh okay i wish boobs were closer together so i could look both of them at once i like your titties because they prove i can focus on two things at once come on that's a lyric from a song that's not how i talk no i know okay these are things to do now that the weather is nice let me do that again here i got it yeah that's right hey the weather's beautiful now what are some of your favorite things to do oh dude when i was a kid i would go steal all the neighbor's dogs and make them tow me around town on rollerblades wow you know I'm on rollerblades, not the dogs

Starting point is 01:32:33 Got it I like to lay down face down in my front yard Until my neighbors check on me Oh, dude You got it Now that it's warm out Go That's where my nose was bleeding

Starting point is 01:32:50 Go That's what he did Cut that back He's like, go Talk to the hand because the face ain't listening Talk to the booty because the hand off duty uh oh oh my god now it's nice out we me and my friends used to go find the meanest hornet's nest

Starting point is 01:33:12 and grab one put it on a leash and make it be our pet that's awesome we used to uh what i love is to go and swap easter eggs with real eggs so when kids to i like to go swap easter eggs with real eggs so that when kids squeeze them they kill a chicken oh fertilized eggs oh so when they squeeze the kids squeeze them they kill it yeah i get it a chick i guess um oh my god sometimes when it's really nice out in the spring i like to sit on the windowsill and pretend that my girlfriend's off at war and i'm waiting for her to come home this is very similar to your last one i have catch a bee and try to teach it a sport i like to do that i guess what do they get at wait wait uh honey ball or something uh wait uh wait wait wait wait wait honey ball uh

Starting point is 01:34:10 play for the pirates or something anyway what are bees what sports are bees good at um buzz oh my god now that there's all this like really good fresh mud yes i get it out put it all in a baking tray then i go inside and make mud brownies oh i love that yes what sting stinging sting it's a sting operation it's a sting they play for the they play for the red wings that's red stings all right go what i'm trying to think of something i like to plant plants that reek to scare my dog i don't think i know anyone else in in life that uses the word reek or like talks about things reeking as much as you guys thank you lord we haven't met you guys stinky as you are one of our serious shower longest podcast producers what what'd you say you didn't shower

Starting point is 01:35:11 all saturday what did you say i showered on saturday no but what did you say before that said i'm one of your longest podcasts oh yeah no i didn't shower from friday morning until sunday morning honest uh i showered friday morning it's okay i what'd you do on saturday literally nothing that's like why i got oh that makes sense yeah as long as you weren't like out and about um oh then it's stinky now that the sun's out get all my boys together start a hacky sack club I like to play baseball with a pine cone. Lorne goes, huh? You should see its fastball.

Starting point is 01:35:51 Great. I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas, I do not know. Is that a Tedberg joke? I don't know. My dad used to say it to me when I was a little kid. I saw Anthony Jeselnik on Saturday. I really like him.

Starting point is 01:36:07 yeah what did i tell you this earlier no oh yeah he's great you like saw him perform yeah where at jam in the van nice that's what's crazy about la like i passed uh i assumed those guys are constantly off doing like arenas they like come back to like the improv and the comedy sort of like do their i passed uh i passed either the improv or the comedy store the other day and it was like three like huge names yeah fun fact i interviewed for a job there before i got hired here at jam in the van oh nice i yeah what you showed on saturday was it was really good he was he was the highlight for sure i love jam then did people like his stuff his he's one of the funniest comedians i walked in like mid set uh so i only saw the end of his because i i he didn't go last

Starting point is 01:36:53 he went like first oh interesting yeah i guess maybe he had somewhere else to go he's like a every podcast clip i see of him he seems like kind of a comedy purist like he doesn't he has no tolerance for he for people like bitching and moaning all right who's ready for or do you have any more really um let me check if that's all right if you don't mind just bearing with me well you're waiting i'll tell you one i don't have any more a man of god should go to church every sunday and as it's the lord's day unless you are too cozy in bed then he should stay in bed and rub his feet together gotcha yep lauren you do one i don't have one but you have to learn to do these what if laura what if will and i are both sick one day and you have to do all the draft

Starting point is 01:37:33 what if you both stink no but no i don't have one wait also that's so funny that you put your shoes there like you were getting in like in the pool yeah or just going into your bed what are we doing now rusty's song of the day uh i've been saying this for a while i think this guy i think this guy's gonna be big he's already gaining some traction but i think he's gonna be i think he's gonna be huge one day if you aren't a sid simons fan get ready to be wendy by sid simons is one of my favorite songs out there i think he is the best he makes me happy and it's like you know when you're you know when you're when you're a kid and like your your parents are like jamming out to music and you're like i don't get it yeah i feel how they felt where you're like oh i'm i'm really

Starting point is 01:38:23 jamming now like i'll be on the highway and wendy comes on i'm like oh we're really jamming now that's awesome it's fucking killer hell yeah all right so all right wait now we're doing my new segment willie's album of the week yes yes i'm just kidding i'm gonna listen to that song well you can listen to it because i'm gonna add it to the playlist but listen yeah let's do it on your way home you'll jam out hey all right should we how should we end it today i would like to end it with a prayer. Playmates, thank you

Starting point is 01:38:59 for listening and supporting our journey. We are so grateful to be here and to have your attention. Hey, one second, Willie. Hey, Lauren. Serious moment. We're so grateful to have your attention and your time

Starting point is 01:39:15 and we will forever be indebted to that um if you would like to buy a t-shirt or a oh it was so nice i feel like we haven't talked we haven't we haven't expressed we used to express our gratitude for the playmates a lot more well i'm the bad boy podcasting now we guys we appreciate you more than you know you've given us such a fun platform to to just hang out twice sounds like there's like a scene in the white lotus when like a guy's gonna kill himself and he likes it's like guys i want you to all know i love you it sounds like we're about to like never do a podcast again i want the playmates to know that if i turn up dead yeah rusty didn't do it himself let me tell

Starting point is 01:39:57 you that much if i ever turn up dead investigate him i actually think if you died i would be suspect number one like a crime of passion oh crime of passion would be would go so hard right Now killing someone over love. You like humped me to death. You ever humped, Will? You've never humped. I never humped. I've never humped.

Starting point is 01:40:25 I knew a kid that the way he would go to town on himself, he would put his hand down on the bed and then hump his hand instead of move his hand. He would move his body, not his hand. Oh. Did you watch? Mm-mm. I listened to a kid that...

Starting point is 01:40:40 can't watch we were talking we were talking about like you know jacking it when we were in sixth grade and the universal like sign for jacking off is this everyone knows that and he went like yeah you know like jacking off and we were like do you jack off with just the two fingers he was like yeah he's all business dude like close your hand he doesn't need all that extra shit all right i am so sorry for the ending of that guys i uh i think you guys are doing great all right uh any partying thoughts guys oh what should they comment partying thoughts comments all right any partying thoughts dancing confetti beer bong comment and what if we do all emojis yeah comment comment your favorite emoji and then spam scorp spam and

Starting point is 01:41:36 i mean spam it no no no no no i don't like scorp fine do it spam scorp spam your favorite emoji oh did you give me rubber all right we love you guys have a great rest of your wednesday have a great uh rest of your week kill it on the weekend relax go hard for one night and then relax uh wait i just spaced out what did you say to them what what day did you say it was i said that it i said have a great rest of your wednesday have a great it's monday this episode comes out on wednesday nope why would it not because we recorded on thursday oh we hope you guys enjoyed mary i'm that was the best that was awesome okay guys have a great rest of your monday have a great week and we will see you bright and early on wednesday uh we love you so much lauren play that

Starting point is 01:42:28 mf theme music girl

Will & Rusty's Playdate - how to flirt with women at the bar

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