Will & Rusty's Playdate - how to survive a tsunami w/ Willie Simon | Ep. 253

Episode Date: October 14, 2026

FOLLOW PETTY CASES: https://open.spotify.com/show/0aitEL4PNrGFyz8KA6b5PD?si=23513befb3cc4008 https://www.instagram.com/petty.cases https://www.tiktok.com/@petty.cases https://www.youtube.com/@PettyCases  Willie Simon: https://www.instagram.com/williesimoncomedy https://www.tiktok.com/@williesimon_ http://www.youtube.com/@williesimon https://www.williesimon.com/  SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/@playdatepod https://www.instagram.com/playdate.pod https://www.tiktok.com/@playdatepod Willy: https://www.instagram.com/willdonnellon https://www.tiktok.com/@willydviral  Rusty: https://www.instagram.com/featherstonerusty https://www.tiktok.com/@rustyfeatherstone Andrew: https://www.instagram.com/andrew_nelson_ https://www.tiktok.com/@drewnelly15  NEW MERCH: https://playdatepod.shop/  PAID PARTNERSHIPS: [e-mail]  GUESTS AND INQUIRIES ONLY: [e-mail] SUBMIT YOUR BUSINESS PITCH HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdPHd7Ps9TaX-TOozyLhDpr9Y7pFNMP9PX7cHuLxap1R78GWg/viewform?usp=header SUBMIT YOUR AITA STORY HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdQElfqdQutn3dzl5HcZfey6YWhbVd-n6XE7FkpfosWZyYhyA/viewform?usp=sf_link SUBMIT YOUR CONFESSIONS HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSedx06Mo5EBt7WJAehTXwRoF3JzP0T7-kiDvYOphgxaPvtzKQ/viewform?usp=publish-editor  SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: If you haven't tried Barebells yet, go to www.barebells.com to shop the full lineup and use code PLAYDATE for 15% off your order. If you’ve been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks, and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don’t have insurance or don't live in the United States? You can still get 10% off your first month. Visit www.BetterHelp.com/pd to explore your payment options. 00:00 - intro 00:01 - pussy too good 24:27 - I wanna be like Robin Williams 28:02 - Bert Kreischer 35:27 - pizza history 51:06 - the la fires 54:24 - the art of stand up 1:19:42 - boofing #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod #RustyFeatherstone #WillDonnellon  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My dog has to have surgery because they botched her spaying, I guess. Really? Yeah. Pussy too good. Are we even, are we rolling? Yeah, fuck. Wow. Okay.

I didn't think we were rolling yet. That was a thing you would have said either way. Yeah. There's no scenario where I'd say that. Whether I was being recorded or not. There's no part of my brain that wanted to say that and was like, oh, the mics are hot. Okay Your dog's

Your old dog's name Was a different name for pussy Cookie Eat my cookie Eat my cookie Yeah I feel like we talk about The Chanel West Coast

Eat My Cookie Smash hit single more than most people Right Definitely more than Definitely more than Willie Willie When was the last time you When was the last time

You know that song Eat My Cookie debut single Eat My Cookie I'm not gonna lie guys this might be the first time I've ever talking about it. But you know about it? No. I don't even know about it.

Can you pull it up, Andrew? Pull up to eat my cookie by... Do you share your lesson to eat my cookie? This episode is brought to you by Bearbells. Rusty, show me your Bearbells. Well, guys, we're here today. It's Playdate. It's episode 253.

And we're here with our good friend Willie Simon. You're a two-time guest now. Dude, what an honor. You're the first ever two-time guest named Willie Simon. That's crazy, dude. Yeah. Of all the Willie Simon's here work in the office, too, there's so many. There are so many.

It's like, there's like 100. How are you, man? I'm good, brother. Very good. Yeah. How are you guys? Oh, I'm good. I'm really good.

Mostly been listening to eat my cookie. I mean, yeah, I'm in a great mood now. Chicken vanilla. You're like, she was like, my cookie's chocolate. You're like, what? Now I'm intrigued. That would make me more. I got to see this fucking cookie.

Oh, man. So the reason this came up. is we you left to go get water yeah that just happened right now I go oh no my my dog has to have this already imagine we're this like a podcast and you hear the same thing twice oh you think

we're gonna put that in oh no way we put that in right oh I was gonna keep it in I want to keep it in yeah we have to tell Willie what happened yeah okay yeah he was nothing he I go oh no my dog has to have surgery because they botched her spaying and Willie spaying is the the girl version of getting your yeah and Willie I said pussy too good. I'm trying to spay my girlfriend.

She hates it when I call it then. She is really down. You're trying to get her through time. She just doesn't want you to call it getting spayed. You're trying to do it yourself. I'm like, okay. She doesn't know what. It's got to be one of these.

She doesn't know what I'm doing down there. You try to tie your teeth? Every time I eat her out, I'm like, I'm actually trying to spay her. She's like, you're doing a long time. Sorry, that guy. Trying to tie my tubes again? No, no, no, no, no. For a second.

Sorry, I'm back. I'm back. You got me. Full attention. Oh, my God. I feel like you're trying to tie it in a bow. Are you trying to tie my tubes again? Nope.

Do you see that guy? Just found a tunting. It's a tunting. He found an IUD in his ear? He found an IUD in the ear. One of the doctor and they pulled an IUD out of his ear. Does that, is that like for a, uh, somehow it got up? Stop and bugs or something?

Yeah. It's great for airplanes. Can you talk to this year? I have an IUD in this other here. Are you going to talk about it? That's so far. Yeah, he has a kid and he got, yeah. So yeah, what brought up Chanel West Coast?

I haven't heard the name Chanel West Coast in 15 years or something like that. I heard you're doing country now, actually. Yeah, Chanel East Coast. Yeah, Sinell Southeast. Yeah. And Willie said what? What did you say after? Jesus Christ, man.

How many times about to say it? He didn't hear it. I didn't hear. I said pussy too good. Pussy too good. Because they couldn't spay it. About my dog not being able to be spayed correctly the first time. Yeah.

Pussy too wet. Okay. You're on his side. Hey, it's on my side. What? Yeah. This is not going the way I thought it was going to go. You know what your dog to have?

have good pussy dog? No. It's the opposite of what I want. You want your dog in bed? I want financial security. So the opposite is obviously wanting my dog to have good pussy. Yeah. I don't see. There's no one who has their finances figured out that also wants their dog to have good pussy. Hey, want to adopt a dog? No. Really good pussy. I actually think I disagree. I think there's probably some really rich guys that like think about that. Yeah. Oh, like, like, You want everything in your life to be elite. No, I think it's just like, Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You have high end everything. I'm thinking more like, if you have enough money, you start thinking about weird shit. Oh. You don't have to think about like. Yeah, yeah. I think they just, maybe they don't want to lose at all. You know the dog braider?

You're like, you look at the jaw. You look at the teeth. You're like, yeah, it's pretty good. Pussy, though. Pussy. Why are we doing this? I'm like, I like was, you brought up literally three times.

Yeah, yeah. You were really trying to get this out. I was in our defense. can you bleep when I said and bleep it again there leave mine in double hit honestly mine might be worse

if it's bleeped but I still do the hand gesture yeah the hand was crazy dude you can look at it you can tell the dog he has a good pussy just by looking at it you know if to oh god have you ever seen that oh Jesus Christ

yeah take that Doug yeah I'm like this one down for this episode Oh, God. His deceased dog. Is that who that is? I've wondered for like a long time who that is. He told us that when it happened, right?

When the dog died? But I... You remember the weirdest things about my life? Because like, you won't remember like the big things, but then like I'll wear new white shoes one day. And he'll be like, oh, I like those more than your other white shoes. I'm like, the other white shoes. I haven't worn those in like a year.

Well, you just have these ones that he had to tie all... Like there was no, you couldn't see the tongue of the shoe. Okay. You had to tie it all the way. And so I was excited that he got this new pair that fit better. Rusty said my feet are shaped like Epstein's penis. That's not what I said. Really, really big, like in the front and then skinny on the end.

He's taking it out of color. Is that what Epstein's. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Really? That was like a, can we pull that up? That was like how they caught him. Yeah?

Was like everyone could, like all the victims were like, yeah, it was wide at the bottom and short. Wait, wide at like the tip. They're wide at the base. That's how they caught it. Like they lined a bunch of billionaires up. No, I think they knew that all the girls. I think they knew everyone was telling the truth because they were like, what are the odds they all just gassed its shape that way?

That's awful, actually. Well, here's something. So yesterday. Here's anything else. So I'm looking at my penis yesterday. Yesterday we did one of those who's high shoots. you were missed. I know, I couldn't make it.

I was high. And afterwards, we went to our softball game. Yeah, how'd that go? I was like, I'm gonna, I'll be fine. Like, I'm cool. Every ball that got hit at me was panic attack. My heart was like, my BPM was like 150. What position are you?

Well, usually I play in the infield, but I played a little second base and I was like, a ball just nailed into my foot. Like, I made like the worst play ever trying to field it. And then I was like, I'm good. And I played catcher the rest of the game. Yeah, that's a tough position to play high. And, uh, looking for double plays. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, turn two. Are you gonna be the, there was one point where it was like, where's the cutoff man? I was like, oh, I forgot about cutoff man. Like, I don't know. Like, I'm in the infield. Do I need a cutoff man? And then, uh, this is a nightmare. Yeah, so I was catching.

And then there were like 15 plays at the plate when I was the catcher. So I dropped everyone. I did not make, manage. I didn't even come close to one. play the play. However, offensively, I played fantastic. I had like five RBIs. I was like, I don't know what it is.

Did anyone notice? No, I don't think so. I don't think, I mean, it had been a few hours, but I don't. There's a good long history of baseball players being high and still being very good. Like Doc Ellis. Yeah, Doc Ellis, Daryl Strawberry was high on Coke for

fucking 10 years. Being high on Coke and playing baseball, I feel like is very different than being high on weed. Coke or meth, I think I would have been dialed. Yeah, exactly. But maybe, where's my fucking cut off? I think I liked that the hitting thing was like a feel. Like, like, you know, the high I was like, oh, I just felt it.

Yeah, yeah. I was fantastic. Yeah, there's a rhythm to it. Yeah, yeah. We should do who's high with Coke. Yeah. I'm out. But Bastion was our pitcher.

Bastion was also high and he pitched the best game of his life. He had like five strikeouts, which never happens in slow pitch softball. Yeah, that's crazy. It was insane. So like that it was his Doc Ellis game That was his Doc Ellis I feel like slow pitch Would be hard to do on Coke

Yeah You'd be just waiting Stop humming it out Yeah Yeah Come on man This is the opposite Of how I want this to be going

But So after the game I'm like still kind of I don't know I was high like all I've stopped doing any weed Like three months ago So this was like my first time

And it was I was pretty high still for a while And we went to the grocery store After I just wanted to get chips And salsa I was already well We were getting burritos And I was like, if you guys get my burrito, I'll go into the grocery and get the chips and salsa.

Okay. Even though I don't like groceries already, whatever. What's the worst case scenario when you're a little high, covered in dirt, by the way, because I had made a slot. I slid at one point. Covered in dirt, high at the grocery store, worst case scenario. Cop reaches for the same jar of salsa. No. Your mom reaches for the same genital salsa.

Close. Your mom who now works for the police. Close. You reach for the cop's gun. I, cop reaches for my mom's gun, actually. No, I walk in Dog with a beautiful Immediately see my uncle

My uncle who lives in Ohio I'm like, oh my God That might be worse than cop Reaches for your mom's gun Because if the cop. Ralph's in my neighborhood I was like Oh

And I ran into Dylan Dylan happened to be at the grocery store too So I was like Dylan You gotta help me man I think that's my uncle But I'm really scared to go talk to him Because I'm kind of high right now And like I don't have that kind of relationship

with him where I could be like I'm high right now I don't know and eventually I was like I have to go say something so I went up and I chatted and it was great and we got a photo and he sent it to my mom my mom was like oh my god saw you met you ran into Brad and in the photo I completely forgot the whole interaction I'm covered in dirt I didn't even address it chips and saw saw down the front of your yeah I know so it was pretty good it does not look like he's doing

very well he was really dirty but it was doesn't like being stunned and having a guy you haven't seen in 15 years ask about everything that's going on in your life Yeah, he was like, dude, do you have my number? Like, we should link up while I'm in town? And I was like, yeah, I got it, I got it for sure. And I knew I didn't have it. I was just like, I don't want to, like, get our phones out.

Does he have your number? We actually, I just got it from my mom and then texted him. Okay. It was just, no, if I pull my phone out, it's going to steal my soul. Yeah, yeah. Every time I look at it, I get like a shockwave of anxiety. Dude, Bast, I realize, uh, right, I fucking, I don't know what, during who. during who's high last night

Bastion leans over and he goes you know how you know you're high and I go how he goes when you pull your phone out it feels like you're in GTA and it's the mini map and I go I don't think I've ever felt that

I feel like I normally look at it I'm like this still my phone yeah I feel like when you're on like mushrooms you look at your phone yeah exactly bad tech no yeah getting a text on acid you're like I gotta delete your number dude I've never done that

really never I've only ever text on it. Yeah. Yeah. You finally sober up from Asty. Like, I spent that whole trip texting. Yeah. Fuck. You need reels. I didn't think about any. Yeah, I just watched reels the old thing. I want to go to the woods and text.

Damn it. Thanks so much. Have you done it multiple times? Yeah, I did it a few times in college. How was that? It was fun. It's like it's like mushrooms, but you, it's not introspective at all. It's like, you know how like on mushrooms you're like, man, like, who

am I as a person, like, you know, I feel like we're changing all so much, and I think, like, I hope I'm changing the right way on acid, you're like, why did ducks have such a big nose? You know, like, it's, like, it's, like, it's, like, it's way more fun. That's awesome. You can't ever done it either. Yeah, there is something about doing acid with a, uh, a girl in college that, like, you're kind of two and two. You know what I mean?

That's, like, fucking, like, I did that also once. Yeah. I did two tabs with this girl and then, uh... Just one-on-one. No, it was like, it was a group of us. Okay, nice. We all did it. But, yeah, it was two times my first time doing acid.

And I saw, like, purple. Like, things were, like, purple. And I was like, this is what Jimmy Hendrish is talking about. I, like, type of my friend, like, this is what Jimmy Hendricks is talking about. He's like, what? I'm like, never mind. The worst thing in the world is, uh, I've never, never done, like, serious drugs. But when you're, like, really high or on, like, mushrooms or something,

and you say something that you think is going to land with your buddy. Yeah. And they just, you didn't. you didn't phrase it right. Exactly, and you're just fucking embarrassed. You think you made like a huge, like,

leap in science or something or, like, figured something out that you've been thinking about forever. He's like, when you, like, try to write it down too, you ever do that?

And you're like, oh, this is going to be this fucking, this revelation. I can't wait to see this tomorrow. Yeah. And you see it, and you're like, what if Pikachu was like a fucking fascist?

I mean, putting you in my notes. I've got, I used to like fire off texts and stuff, but now I'm like, I have like, notes at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking smart.

What was the Paul McCartney one? He said they were like, they were on acid or something, and he like had this revelation. So he was like, someone go grab the roadie. And he comes down and he's like, put this in your pocket. He like wrote a note in it. And the next morning, you handed it back to him. And apparently it just said like, there are seven levels. Pretty good. There was a lot of like fearmongering with it. I remember in college. I remember somebody telling me that you couldn't serve in the military if you had ever done acid before because apparently you can have a trip at any point in your life after you've done it once because it like lives in your spine or something.

I will say I heard. I think that's true. It exists in your spine for eternity. One of her friends, they like cracked his back and he just started to do. Yeah. And he started tripping. Is that a real thing? I don't know.

I have a someone I know pretty well that had it happened where they and they now like can't, they like had had stop like drinking, smoking, nicotine, everything because it would like trigger effects of like a bad trip they had. I knew a guy, he cracked his back, and he woke up and he was in Afghanistan in 2013. Really? Yeah, and he was fighting Al-Qaeda.

Oh my God. It's crazy. He said he had to be in the military. He had to. That would actually scare me more. If you do acid, you have to be a berserker. Yeah, I'm like, I'm pretty sure Lee Harvey Oswald this, like, give an acid to function

for the military, right? Oh. Yeah, that was the 60s. They were like, okay, too many of these guys are killing presidents. Andrew, were you more worried about tripping again or not being able to serve in the military? I mean, a little bit of both, I guess. Did you want to serve in the military? No, no, no, I was just kidding about that.

Would you ever want to serve in a foreign nation's military? I would be down to serve in, like, the Salvation Army. South Asian? Yeah, Salvation. South Asian Army. It's like a little league all-star team. they're fighting tombs river oh my god little league war they should do that like teenagers from all the oh i'd like that most badass 12 year olds duke it out i think they they there are uh what are the countries

that like used there are some countries that use children right like in africa yeah coni yeah yeah cony did it the nazis did it at the end yeah what was it they uh they just ran out of guys they're like here's they call it, it was like, something like the people storm or whatever,

and they just enlisted like 90 year olds and like 12 year olds. And they paired them up one. Yeah, like balanced out. One of each.

A bunch of rag tag unlikely friendships that formed. Their average age is 45. A sick bucks. Yeah. It's like all just like up relationships.

Old guys wished up. Wait. That's what up is about. Yeah. They were fucking. They were not. They were actually trying to stop the U.S. from getting into Germany.

It was like Volks storming or something. It was whatever. But it was like the people's storm. Yeah, yeah. It conscripted male civilians between the ages in 16 and 60. So 16 and 6 are actually not that bad. 60's fucking crazy.

If your grandfather got like pulled to... My dad is 65. Okay, your grandfather when you were three. But I feel like my dad could be like function in the military. Yeah. I think all of our dad should serve in the military. I think our dad... Like right now.

Like, not like in the past, like right now. Right now. Imagine how much that would suck if you like finally retired this year. Yeah. The people's storm. And they extended the draft. Trump did the people's storm. God damn it.

My dad's going to Iran. Fuck. Fuck. Your dad and like your youngest cousin. Yeah. Fuck. This sucks. I,

why do like Willie and his buddies get out of this? It's like only us. Well, I think we would have already been conscripted. Yeah. Yeah, they probably already killed us. Yeah. And then they're like, all right, let's get his little brother and his dad. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. Yeah, your mom's like, this is, this year has just not been good for the Dinellons. All of the, all of my men are gone. Actually, yeah. My dad, might have to be safe. My dad would be safe as well. But 60, I guess, but 60 in the 40s is a very different than 60 in 2020. Like 60.

Yeah. That was like. probably the equivalent of like a 70 year old now. I feel like people were dying at 60. Yeah, I feel like you're older. My great grandpa lived to be like 105, bro. Can you people are dying? You should give that guy a gun?

Can you imagine? Over 100? It's like they wrote it like up to 100 on the thing. So technically people, you know what I mean? Yeah. You got, I'm with it. Being in trench warfare and the guy on the other side is 100. He's literally just a skeleton.

Lucas. Can you Google... They're like, don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes. And then you have to get like right here because they can't see.

Can you Google Life Expectancy 1943? I think it was like fucking low. Spiacency? Yeah, 63. It was a guy...

What is it now? Enlisting guys, it's like 72. That'd be enlisting a guy who has three years left to live. It's gone up 10 years. That's insane.

Yeah, dude, science is awesome. You know what? I also... I'm actually kind of disappointed in that number. I thought it'd be higher. That is kind of... But that takes into account like... Babies and guys get hit by cars.

Like, this isn't like... Yeah. That's true. No, babies screw up all the data. I honestly think, too, like, in the olden days, too, like, babies were like 50-50. Yeah, that's true. Oh, my God. That's a good point, actually. I think there were times where it was like,

it was a miracle if they didn't, that. Yeah. That's why you had like 15 kids. He was like so brought... You had like 15 kids so you can have like two lived a fucking 20. Yeah, we need like Google median life expectancy instead of average? Would that be?

I don't know if that would take out the outliers. Yeah, the median is 79. The half. Okay, yeah. That doesn't seem to. I just read the highlighted. I like how they do this now. Like, even when you don't want to use AI, you have to.

Yeah. It's awesome. Is there a way to turn it off? I hope not. I didn't realize I like not reading articles. I like to give me the fucking He can just lie to me there too Most of the time they're lying

I'm fine with that You know what I mean Do you think it's just give me some bullshit? Yeah it's it lies all the time They're just like You have to have it just guessing Well that just didn't answer the question And you were like see

It highlighted a number which proves like Yeah how little I'm checking it It just gave me the answer to a different question You're like told you Bingo Well do you remember when you like turned 18 and you had to sign your life away to the military. I never did that.

I didn't do that either. What? Yeah. You guys didn't have to do that? I don't even know where they would have, like, found me to do it. Do they come to your house? No, I remember having to sign a paper. Where?

I think you do it. It's like the selective service thing, right? I think you do it at the DMV now when you get your license. Oh, you might be right. You have to sign a way that you are willing and active to serve in the military if there's like a draft. I'm not going. I'm not, I'm literally like, I'm not going to Iran.

I remember being freaked out about that And now I think I'm at the age Where like they wouldn't want me And I'm a little bit offended How old do you know? 26 No I think that's like like I think you're like

No no no no no I think they get you first And like move their way down They prefer like 18 to 24 I think I've like aged out of it now Yeah because they want to mold your brain Is that true? Because like the younger you are

That's why they always take teenagers Because it's like You gotta like kind of brainwash people Into being like Yeah Hey this is uh It's fun to go shoot people They prefer 18 to 24.

18 through 25, so I aged out of it. Whoa. So now they don't even want me, which I'm like weirdly offended about it. Okay, so we just need to make it to May. We can get to May. I don't have to fight my war. Well, guess what, brother? Wow, that's crazy.

It's going to pick up. I don't want, like, that's what sucks about if we got in a war right now and there was a draft. I'd be like, I don't want to be like a draft dodger making some other kid go and die, but I don't want to fucking fight for. I think you'd get, I think you'd, get excited about it. Like all the other guys, every other time there's been a draft,

I think guys were like stoked. I don't know. I don't think that's true at all. Besides Vietnam. Vietnam, I forgot about that one. I forgot about Vietnam. That one's my bad. But like, dude, I heard guys were, guys were killing to go over.

They were, loved Vietnam. The jungle was fun. I forgot. Forgot about Vietnam. The Kent State thing was people begging to go to Vietnam. Temperature was nice. It was temperate. It was temperate.

It was... You got to surf? I saw full metal jacket. Yeah. Or Apogladoz Now? I saw a video, or I saw a thing, I'm watching Band of Brothers right now. And I believe they said guys were killing themselves when they weren't able to get drafted. Yeah.

That would be, I'd be like... Wait, like, because they couldn't go? Like, they'd be like, you're like, have some medical condition. You can't go fight. Yeah. But like, people were signing up in World War II because it was like... People were lying about being old enough. Well, that was a good...

People were like, get me there. Oh, my boys were going to fight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All your friends would go too, be like, let's go fucking party. Kind of the only good one. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Let me, what's, is there any country in the world that if we went to war with them right now, you'd be excited about the draft? No. I'm also like, I don't think I could ever, I would never kill a guy even in war. I Googled it. I wouldn't do it.

I could. I'm a pacifist. You'd be like, I'm a radio guy. Could be on the radio. I want to be like Robin Williams. Yeah, yeah. That's what my, my grand. on World War II was like fixing radios.

I was like, I could do that. That's a fucking... I mean, he wasn't talk, he wasn't... What a lucky pull. Yeah. How often were they breaking that he was in Guam fixing radios? That'd be the scariest because it's like the fucking...

I think like the Pacific one because I watched that show the Pacific and it looked really bad. So I think like that was a worse one than if you like go to Europe. You want to be on mainland Europe. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really?

You want to go to Europe for sure. And if you got caught by the Japanese... Yeah, they'd pull your fingernails out. They were... Not that, not that you want to. wanted to get caught by the Germans. Yeah. You got, you got caught by the Nazis was fun. Dude, you got to gain, slides.

Schnitzel. I think besides the like obvious war crime they were committing, I think they, I believe they respected the prisoner. Yeah. They're like, we got to tone it down on one of these guys. Dude, that guy, I was telling you about the guy who like painted the mural in L.A. City Hall. He's a Nazi.

What? Yeah, tell him this. There was this guy. He was like the best. interrogator of the Nazis. He was like this other guy that was like, he's only one painter in Nazi Germany. An unbelievable not like interrogator. But he what he didn't use violence or he just used like psychological methods.

So he wasn't in like when they fucking hung all the Nazis after the war. They technically didn't commit war crimes. Word. Because he was nonviolent. And then he went, he moved to the U.S. and became a muralist. And he has murals in this LA City Hall. Our state capital. Epcot. He's a mural at Epcot. He was a Nazi interrogator.

It is crazy that they had like artists that we also hired. Like, you know, I get why you like hired the Nazi like the rocket scientists, you know, because they're like super good scientists. So there had like research that we didn't have like a mural guy. Yeah. So couldn't find a mural guy for me. They actually took it first they took him for all their they learned all like the foundation of like American interrogation techniques too were based on like what they learned from this guy. And then I think because of that, He was like, okay, I helped you out. Can I pay in a few murals?

Can I pay Epcot? They saw him like sketching during an interrogation. Wasn't Walt, they were like, that's pretty damn good. Yeah, wasn't Walt Disney like a Nazi sympathizer, though? I think that is. Maybe the Epcot thing makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He hired a lot.

It was actually a Nazi, it was like a, like an art fair. All the cast members of the original Disney were all ex-Nazis. He was like the opposite of Shinlowe's list. Yeah. He was hiring all the Nazis. Sinler's List, he hires all the Jewish people to save them from camps. Got it. Wait, did the Nazis?

I haven't seen Shinler's at a long time. The Nazis would let you go if you had a job. I don't think that's right. To be honest, I was like, I'm going to miss the point of Schindler's list. I don't think, I'm going to be honest. There's no way. There's no way. Yeah, they're like, weirdly like, oh, I don't know you were a cobbler.

We'll get the fuck out of here, dude. Get back in there. What am I doing? You're the backbone of the economy. Oh, my God. You do Uber Eats? Get the fuck out of here, man. Hell yeah.

Oh, my God. What are you been up to, Willie, man? Wait, hang on, I have what. Uber Mench eats. Okay, anyway. I've been good, dude. Don't know, looks like I've been good? Yeah, got the new pod.

We've got petty cases over here. Yeah, how's that going? a lot of fun. We just put out the Burt Kreischer episode with you in it too. You fucking, you stole the show too. Oh, great. You killed. What was your pedic? It was basically I took a photo at the Mount, did I talk about this on the show or no?

No, I don't think so. Okay, the Mount Joy concert I went to. I got this photo with all of Mount Joy and Burke Kreischer, and it's the worst photo of me ever taken. It is like, it is an atrocious photo of you. It's a bad photo. I thought it was from years ago and you were like, this is last week. I'm like, that's crazy. No.

You can't even see it. You have to go watch Petty cases. Pull up and pull it up on pedicases. It's just not a good photo of me at all. It's like it's insane how bad you look in this picture. Yeah. And but I bring it up and we introduced that just like a famous comedian.

And the whole time he's analyzing it, he didn't know it was like that was like two weeks ago. Like it looks like a like. Compared to like when I'm talking, it was the same week. Were you like, have you been drinking? a lot that day? Yeah. Okay.

It looks like one of those embarrassing like high school pictures. It looks like you put like a fat filter on it. Oh yeah. I mean that guy got the short of, yeah, he got fucked too. It's a bad picture all around. Sometimes I will see.

But like Bert looks great in it. Maybe he does it. Maybe he does that. But he has a guy that makes him look great in every picture. Yeah. Like did, did his guy take the photo? No, that was my, it was. I actually don't know.

I don't even know who took the photo. I kind of lied about that part. Cut that. That's fine. So anyway, that was the photo. And the best part was Bert was like, wait, my wife also took pictures at night. And so he had other photos. He was like, I have photos of you on my phone.

Maybe I'll have a better one. He's like, nope, I think that's just what you look like. It's mine are you look worse in my. Oh, God. Dude, there are some nights where you're just like, wow, really? Dude, it sucks. I'll get, like, picture taking me at the comedy store with, like, professional cameras by people who know exactly what angles to pick. Right.

And it'll be like, wow, even you couldn't make me look good. This is fucking horrific. Oh, man. Yeah, I... Amy Letterman once, she saw a picture of me, and then the next day she saw me, and she was like, oh, my God, I thought you, like, gained 150 pounds. I mean, that's really fat now. I mean, that's going to think, yeah. I don't know how that happens.

I woke up. I had sent a selfie. to a girl I went to college with with like I ran into her roommate that was in town for the for the weekend. Yeah. And I just look, I mean, my I look insane and I was like, I feel like I remember walking on being like, looking pretty good tonight.

Well, that's the concern is because yeah, I hadn't been drinking and it's like, oh, does that just what I look like anytime I'm drinking? Yeah, yeah. That's the problem is like when you're drinking, that's when you think I look fucking cash. I was watching the, this was right around the time we did the sober. And when I was watching that back, I was like, obviously, you know, my pants are off and I look a little crazy, but I don't look like that. Wait, when were your pants? The whole second half of the sovers.

Oh, yeah. But I look, I didn't look like that in it. So, were you, I mean, did you just have like a huge, like. Was it like IPAs maybe? You were doing like some heavier beers? It was only Madeleau. Damn. If you're like allergic to Medello.

Yeah. It looks like you got like, it looks like. Stung by like a hundred. When like a golden retriever like swallows a bee. I know. And the girl that I'm next to was like my crush, like all of college. For the record, I've never seen you look like that in person. Also the fucking, the horizontal stripe is a, uh, you're right.

It's a devastating. Oh, yeah. It's the band shirt. It's the only Mountjoy shirt. It's like if your face is fat and you got a horizontal stripe going, you're fucking screwed. Yeah, you're cooked. Hmm.

But it is a, it's a rugby shirt though, you know. that is cool I like rugby well Bert was shitting on that shirt so I've literally never put it on since really he's like well I mean what the fuck are you wearing at a concert what kind of

I guess he's an accent now what the fuck is his shit you wear me the fucking rugby fit I fucking pick up down you sound so much different I felt like Mike Tyson now he was making for you into your face yeah yeah on the show yeah

He was like, well, what the hell is this shirt? Oh, he didn't say it like in the moment. I like that shirt. Yeah, I do too. I disagree with Bert here. Well, I now am scared that that's what it makes me look like. I mean, I... No, your face makes you look like that.

Also, why is he, why is his opinion? Like, is he like a known fashion guy? No, it's just, no one really opines on my shirts. So like I, if the only thing you've heard about the shirt is... Is that it sucks? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? I feel that. But now that you've said you like that shirt. I mean, now I'm back to neutral on it. I have. I like that shirt. Okay, good. When I was in elementary school, my mom got me, I was a big San Jose Sharks fan when I was a kid.

Because I played roller hockey because it wasn't ice in Hawaii. Right. It wasn't an ice drink shirt. They have no ice? No. Okay. They only have the secret police. They have that ice.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nice. But they have, um, so I was a big San Jose Sharks fan just because I liked the logo. And my room, my room got a shark, right? Yeah, just a shot. Eating a hockey stick? Biting a hockey stick.

Yeah, he wanted me. Pretty fucking badass, dude. Yeah, sure. But they painted, like, my room was like Santa Day Sharks colors. Like, it still is in my mom's house. That's awesome. Are you still a Sharks fan?

Like, not really. Like, this is inconvenient. It's kind of a bad color for this room. I did not like them enough to warrant this. It's like dark green. But my, uh, my mom got me this, like, custom Saturday Sharks jersey. With, like, my name on it.

And I was, like, oh this is going to be so cool I'm going to go to school everyone's going to be like sick shirt and like the kid everybody picked on saw my jersey and he was like nice fucking jersey Simon because it said Simon on the back and everyone's like Simon

and I got clown by that kid and I never wore that jersey again dude but it was devastating it was just my name wasn't even a clever thing he saw it fucking opening to like finally not be the punching bag anymore he's like I guess I could make foot of Willie's Sharks jersey

that might get me out of it for the day. I mean, you might have saved your whole school. Like, that could have been what prevented him from doing something much worse. Honestly, yeah. That's a good point. You might have been a hero. Yeah.

I am kind of a hero. Take one punch to save 100. Yeah. Do you see that Columbine sweatshirt that just sold for like $3,000? Someone found their like seniors sweatshirt. You know, you get like a shirt or something. And it had like their names on the back

because they obviously didn't know they were going to do. Just the worst guy in the world bought that on eBay. Yeah, the worst guy in the world sold that on eBay. Well, no. No, no, you think that it was a senior, right? There's probably someone who went there. Yeah, I know. Yeah, whatever, yeah.

I still, I still wouldn't put that up. I don't love. I thought you guys were, I thought that was going to be like a great story. That is hilarious. No, it's hilarious. That someone would keep that. Well, I guess it's like a, it's like a piece of history. Pizza history?

Pizza history. The pepperoni came, the pepperoni was invented in 1842. When do you think the first pizza was made? Oh, man. That's a great question. 1979. Whoa, that's like, like,

that's the worst guess I ever. That's not good. I'm gonna go like 1620. Oh, no, that's way too far in the other direction. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go, like, as we know the pizza now, 1848. Well, no way, dude.

How do you define? No way. I think I'm actually closer. I think like 1930 maybe. 900 97 C.E in Italy You were

off by 1,200 years I won technically Willie was off by more years than had happened Like a thousand You were, you were You were, yeah Willie Simon

Willie Simon Willie Simon was off by the amount of years It took for like the Middle Ages to happen like they were putting like fruit and nuts on that pizza

that's not a real pizza I mean that pizza oh god wait but that that pizza would be so that pizza would be so gross now yeah

right it'd be like so stale covered in mold or something yeah yeah I wouldn't want to wait the first pizza they got a picture

of the first ever pizza so the first that was the first time the word was used I wonder like when when when was like oh wait wait go back

Go back, go back, back. You actually had it. You had it for a second. Go back. Yeah, right here. Ancient flatbreads. So I think they had flatbreads even, they had pizzas before then, but the first time they called it. The first pizzeria 1738 and it became a full sit-down restaurant 1830. Look, it was a rent payment to a bishop? What? Imagine going to collect on your rent. The guy gives you a food that doesn't exist yet. What? Why would this ever be what I want?

he's like just fucking try trust me on this bro this shit is gonna be big this shit is gonna be big your ground floor dude you're fucking ground floor imagine to be able to say you were the first guy that ate a poosa

he's like we gotta work on the name but other than that I am gonna draw and quarter you but I do like the pizza a poopsa we're gonna work on the name but you gotta try you gotta try this poopsa

Oh man Yeah That's the first pizza All right What was the second pizza? What do you guys think? Yeah There's like

There's A thousand years of no pizza Yeah They called it the dark age They got stumped for 200 Yeah Oh my God That's so funny

I can't I can't believe How bad your guess was 1970? It sounds like a New York thing. I mean, I wasn't very much closer. I don't think any of us were even... I know, but at least you...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I was also half kidding, but like... Also, not really. For the record, like... That would have been the first Hawaiian pizza. Oh, which is what he calls pizza. Google, when was the Hawaiian pizza invented? What if it's...

It's going to be exactly 1973. Dude. Ninety-nine, he said. 1962. Pretty good. Yeah. In Canada. Yeah, it's a Canadian thing.

Really? Yeah, isn't that crazy? Oh. Well, because real Hawaiian pizza is spam and domestic violence. It sucks. Yeah, yeah, that's the stuff. Yeah, it's really not good. That's nice.

That's nice, man. Did they put spam on pizza in Hawaii? I bet someone has. Okay, for sure. If you do it, like, thin and kind of cook like a pepperoni. Yeah, yeah. You guys like spam? I never had it.

Really? Never did. I mean, I've heard it's disgusting. It's great. If you cook, you got to cook it the right way. How did it? become like a thing you guys love so much. Because in World War II it was like a ration.

And so, in Hawaii, it was like a big base. Yeah. And so fucking all those soldiers would eat it. And then it just became part of like local cuisine. At the beginning of the war, it was a big base. Yeah. Got it. Yeah, yeah.

And then something happened. Got a lot smaller. Were you in Hawaii when everyone got that phone alert that like a nuclear bomb was coming to Hawaii? No, I was, I fucking wasn't. I was in the, I think I was in L.A. And I woke up to like a goodbye text from my dad. It was like fucking, I was like, oh my God, what the fuck? And then I like looked at, but 10 seconds I was like, my dad just got fucking nuked.

Holy shit. Wait, what happened? What did he say in the text like there was a nuclear bomb coming? Yeah. Just like, I love you. I'll see you later. He was like, hey, we've got some like, we got like an alert that there's like a nuke coming. I just want you to say, like, I just want to say, I love you very much.

And you've always. I'm so proud of you, like, all this, like, you know, like stuff like you'd say at the end of your life. It was fucking, like, brutal, dude. Yeah, it said, emergency alert, ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii, seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill. Where did he go? Nightmare alert. Wait, where did it?

Nobody went anywhere, too. They all were just like, all right, this is it. Who sent that? Some guy who works for, like, the government's, like, fucking hit the wrong button. I'm not even kidding. some guy like fell asleep at the console and hit the fucking alert button and he's like oh fuck i'm getting fired no oh my god human error human error and confusion shift if i'm if i'm the guy that made the mistake i wanted to just be a human error

like it sounds like an accident if you go human error and confusion it makes me seem like a fucking idiot the guy like was like perplexed about how to do my job and just like Started spamming buttons. Okay. The worker genuinely believed a real-life missile threat was unfolding. Really? It was like he clicked it on purpose because he had been miscommuting. He thought they said it was real.

Wait, so they were like, this is a drill, and then he heard this is not a drill? So, no, I think it's because the employees were shifting. So I think one accidentally ran it because he thought it was like a test. And it actually went live. and then when they switched shifts at the job, the other worker thought that it was like real, so they didn't fix it for like 38 minutes. Yeah, it took a long time for them to cancel it too.

Like to the point where people were like, oh my God. So everyone was just sitting there being like, fuck, it's over. Yeah, I don't think anybody, because there's no like basements. Is there anywhere to go? Yeah. I don't know where fucking you'd go. There's no basements in Hawaii. The ocean maybe?

Yeah. I was thinking about that. You like hold your breath long enough? That's what I was thinking. Like, I genuinely like, I thought about this. Like if, or like, if like when the wildfires were getting close, I was like, I live right by the beach.

Like, I don't think I need to evacuate. I think it was just run into the ocean, right? Dude, that's what happened in the, uh, during the Hina fires. People fucking hopped over the, uh, the wall and like just, we're in the water. And that they were survived. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, that's kind of our only defense in Hawaii. Just like, just jump in the fucking ocean. Yeah, like, would that save you from a nuke? Can radiation or whatever nuke is go in the, no way. there's no way there's no way you would survive that

oh yeah yeah I'm on your side the shockwave if you duck your head out of the water you don't think you'd survive a nuke I can hold my breath I can hold my breath for like 25 seconds do you think I survive a nuke well then the question is is a nuke longer than 25 seconds

yeah yeah how long is a nuke how long is the aftermath of a nuke is it longer than 25 seconds no something in the ocean will not save you but you can't believe that was even I can't believe that was even extreme heat, deadly pressure, radiation fall off. Instantly blow.

I guess you could get in your boat and go as far away as pot. You might be able to get pretty far in 38 minutes. Yeah, maybe. But boats aren't fucking that fast. Some boats are fast. If you have like a, I guess, yeah, if you're like a speed boat. Honey, I told you this speed. You and our son Willie said that the cigarette boat was a stupid purchase.

But you're feeling like a fucking idiot right now. Now you all want individual jet skis, huh? Oh! All the sudden. My Christmas idea isn't such a bad idea now, is it? Did you only get a goodbye texting your dad? Like, no friends, mom? Yeah, was that where you?

No, yeah, it's just my dad. Just your dad, really? Yeah, I don't think my mom texted me. Really? None of my friends, no. Yeah, kind of, actually, that's kind of sad, huh? Yeah. Kind of a bummer.

I really thought about that. I guess they, like, had, like, other things to do? There's other people to text my sister. If you hadn't looked at your phone in 40 minutes, you would have missed all of it, I guess. Also, who wants to spend their last 40 minutes on the phone? Yeah. I would be reading. I'd curl up with a good book.

That's true. Did you talk to people about, like, what did you guys do in those 38 minutes? Yeah, most of them just kind of like just went on. They're like, I'm going to play some video games and fucking jack off. That's like what happened to that guy in Pompeii. It was coming and he knew he was going to get hit. So he just got like forever immortalized jacking off. Have you seen this?

Have you seen this Pompei guy? There's gonna be, you know, there's like, they're like shadows of you. Like if a nuke happens, there'll be like your shadow on the ground from like wherever the wave came from sometimes. I do like bunny ears on a guy. Stop it!

I don't want to be immortalized like that. Or wait, no, you get, you do like the perfect shadow puppet. Like somehow you, You create a scene? Do you like the dog thing? Oh my God. You make it like you're humping.

Yeah, that guy's awesome too, dude. Pretty good size shlong on him too. He does. He does. He's really packing. Yeah. That probably felt crazy. That thing.

Kind of see, that thing that's coming out. He has like three inches of shaft outside of what's in his hand. His hand's probably like, you know, there's an adult man's hand. There's not a lot of penis coming out if I'm holding it with one hand.

Yeah, yeah. You're seeing, You're seeing a shadow. Yeah. You know what I'm doing, but only because I'm making that. What the hell is that? The explosive piece of history and it's a penis? Why is that one in the wall?

Imagine jacking off so hard you somehow end up in the wall. That was unrelated to the volcano. Oh! That was three weeks before the volcano. How did I do that? Wow. I could have sworn I was on the other side. on this wall when I started.

Yeah, that's crazy to think about like how you'd react. Like if you We got a call right now. Yeah, and you look over and your buddies like watching reels. Nooks coming. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What are you doing right now? If nuke's coming and you have an hour. I have an hour? Yeah. I'm definitely going to try and go. I'm going to drive home probably. To like your apartment.

I just want to be comfortable probably. Yeah, that's kind of like I don't want to die at the office. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess I'd go home and maybe, um. I might go jack off. There's a chance I'd be that guy. I think I might pray. Yeah, yeah, like fucking what am I what I do?

What two? Yeah, do you pick a video or do you go with your memories? Oh. Or do you jack off to memories? Like happy ones? Like happy ones? Like not even sexual ones. It's like kind of like, yeah.

I remember being a kid. Tomka trucks. Things are so much simpler back then. I'm going to be honest, I think even after reading, that I'd try the ocean method. Yeah. Yeah. At least you're trying something.

That's nice. Because it's like if the nuke hits downtown, maybe it's like, if we have an hour, you can actually probably get pretty, if you were one of the first guys on the road, you could get pretty far. If you were able to get to your car like the second you read it and just take off. I bet a lot of people are leaving though. And imagine you're closer to the highway. Imagine you're like fucking stuck in traffic as your last moments.

I think you got to go. Maybe you got a kayak or something. Yeah, I do like at least trying to put up Like, somewhat of a fight I'm gonna I'm gonna try and figure out if this whole Grab a surfboard and just fucking patta Yeah, try to catch maybe it lands in the ocean

You get a sick fucking You get a barrel On everyone's way out They see you fucking coming down this huge wave Holy shit Oh my God, yeah For a brief moment you were the coolest guy in the world You paddle all the way out

And you realize you misread it's a tsunami not a bomb oh oh i'm in the i'm only one in the wrong place i'm the opposite well no you can get because they don't tsunamis don't like come up out of the water until the last like hundred feet right like it's just like a tiny little wave coming in wave yeah yeah it's not like cresting the whole time

it's like it's like a big uh you took your boat out like a hundred yards you be safe yeah yeah yeah like plenty of people like fucking there's like footage of like the Japanese tsunami in like 2013 or something like that. The boat like feels the yeah like this guy like saw the tsunami coming he was just like I'm just gonna go towards it then you just kind of like this little uh it would be terrifying

if you're like okay I'm gonna go towards it and then you catch like the last like you're at the apex up and you go probably would have been better to die like when it was like 20 feet I'm like wait but Rusty said it's just a tsunami's my this one I'm scared of I mean I would be the first guy

die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right by the water. Oh my god, you'd be toast. You'd be fucked. Oh, dude. Dude, is that gonna happen? Sunami scares the shit at me. Is that gonna, is a tsunami possible in Calv, L.A.? Yeah, dude, there was a tsunami warning last year and my, my girlfriend, uh, made me, like, take her out. That was, that wasn't, killer? No, that wasn't phrase. that wasn't phrase tsunami's coming take me out I'm gonna be honest

I was trying to figure out a way to like tiptoe around that story in general but she was like so far from the ocean she was like a half mile away yeah

and was like up this cliff too and was just like freaking out that her house was gonna get wiped away by a tsunami no I think like a half mile

that has to be like a thousand foot wave or something yeah I also remember like during the fires thinking about like I know it's a little different, but it's like, if it gets to my house, that means the entirety of Santa Monica

has burned to the ground. I feel like I'm okay. I remember the rationale I went with was there wasn't a lot for it to like grab onto in my neighborhood. Like if it's all like concrete buildings, which I don't think is true. I think there's a lot of wood in those buildings, no? Yeah, that was like when Z, my roommate goes, really, the middle of the fires, he was like, I think we should take

the Christmas tree down. We were like, why? And he's like, it's so flammable. We're like, if the fire's in the living, we're like,

we're already fucked. Is it a fake tree, too? It's a fake tree. It's not even flamethr. Or if it's flammable. The bigger danger would be like the chemicals it releases.

Yeah. Much from the AC. Chemicals or cremicles? Cremicles. Cremicles, right? Dude, I kind of felt like a piece of shit

during the fires. Like, remember there was a, there was a Hollywood fire, and I was still living in Hollywood at the time. Yeah. And, uh, there was like a small thing in the hills. And a bunch of people in my building are leaving.

And I was like, whoa, like, no one's here right now. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm kind of hungry. I went down to the lobby. I was going to see and it was like,

I'm usually only down here like postmate. And so I went upstairs and I, I post made it a sandwich. Are you like a placebo effect? Are you like, yeah, I like, Pavlov myself and to be like,

I want a sandwich right now. Oh, yeah. Because I'm like, I'm in a lobby, but I usually am to just pick up food. This is where I usually get food. This is where I get sandwich. And so, yeah, I made a guy drive into Hollywood. That's actually awesome.

Did you tip him? I tipped him. He was kind of late, but no, I kept him. Can I go peeve? Yeah. As this episode is brought to you by Bear Bells. Willie and I just got our hands on the cinnamon bun one. I got the camp smores today, though.

I had one before this, and it is, that's my favorite. But guys, Bearbells are the number one protein bar in the U.S. They make protein bars with 20 grams of protein and no added sugar that taste as good as a mother-effin candy bar. Their bars strike the perfect balance between flavor, texture, and function. Listen, we know what they're doing to about bars. That's what you want, flavor, texture, function. Yep. and you can buy them.

They're available at Tall Girl. They're available. I think what Will's trying to say is they're available at Tall Tall Girls. Tarle Girls? What the hell did you say? They're available at Target. Walmart, Vitamin Chop, and GnC. They've got flavors like cookies and cream, chocolate dough, cookies and caramel,

peanut butter, and many more. So, guys, if you haven't tried Bearbells yet, go to Bearbells.com to shop the full lineup and use code Playdate for 15% off your order. This episode is sponsored by Better Heard. help. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner better help, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average co-pay for eligible members of just $23 per session. Guys, your mental health does not know that it's world mental health day. Stress does not politely wait until October 10th. Burnout does not RSVP. And your brain

definitely does not check the calendar before deciding to spiral at 1147 p.m. Mental health is part of regular life. So guys, come on, don't wait around. Therapy's not just for big life choices. It can be just a cool place to talk through smaller things going on in your life. And, you know, whether some work situation is taking up mental real estate or relationship dynamic isn't totally working. You know, if something just feels off in your life, therapy can be a great way to help. So if you've been waiting to start therapy, better help works with more than 125 health plan networks.

And eligible members have an average. copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or don't live in the United States. You can still get 10% off your first month. Visit betterhelp.com slash PD to explore your payment options. That's betterhELP.com slash PD. Let's get back into the episode. Sometimes it's not fun to watch.

Yeah. Like watching another guy do your job. Yeah, yeah. That's how I feel with wordplay. Yeah. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. You're like, it's been done, dude.

It's like, okay, yeah. We get it. That is an interesting thought. It's probably one of the only jobs where you'd go and watch someone else do it for entertainment. I guess like basketball players could watch people too, but like. Yeah, they probably watch people play basketball. If you were like a mechanic, you don't like go to like AutoZone for fun, for date night. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, do you watch film at all? Do you watch the setback and like you're like. Yeah, I watch like my stuff back. Yeah. Do you actually? Yeah. Oh, really? Really?

Yeah, just because then it's like, when you watch yourself, you're like, oh, I could add this. I can like do this. Okay. In the moment, sometimes you think of those things, but like generally it's like afterward. Timing. You'll be like, oh, this could go here. This could go here.

This could go here. It's also like if you watch too much other people, you can feel their mannerisms kind of rubbing off on you. Yeah. I try not to watch too much. So I'm, uh, I'm fucking, you know, I'm just so authentic. Yeah, you don't want to watch other people and have them rub off on you. Yeah.

Yeah, I hate when people rub off on me Well, it's, I don't mind it if people rub off on you, but you don't want to be watching. Yeah, exactly. Is that what you're saying? I want to be like alone. If someone's going to rub off on me, I want to be in like in a dark room. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't want to look at you. You want to be like, ah, okay, it happened. They rubbed off on me. Not like I was watching them rub off on me. And that's why they're rubbing off on me because I watched. Yeah, I want it to be like kind of accidental. Sure. Right.

Inevitably, people are going to rub off on you. It's going to happen. Because you're a fan of comedy. Yeah. Right. oh yeah right right

I mean I feel like yeah I don't even consume I don't really watch any comedy yeah yeah me neither I'm like fucking

I just watch Bander Brothers again too like that's like that's how I relax I watch like devastating war movies and fucking dude my buddy goes

we're watching better brothers together and he goes I think I think they need a better theme song needs to be more like upbeat

we were like What? No, the intro to Band of Brothers? It's like the saddest story ever. It's like a fucking like a 90s sitcom. Super Zishy. 13 guys go to Europe. Storm in Nazi Germany. Yeah. Band of brothers. So do not watch like other comics then? Like if they do like a special or something like that.

Not usually, no. There's some guys all watch specials that are like very very. different than me. Like Sam, like Sam is a guy, Maril. I'll watch his because I'm not like him at all. Okay. But like people who are like, uh, I don't know. What's a good example? Oh, that's interesting that you don't think you guys are similar since you open for him. Because like in music, they try to get bands that are like make similar music open for each other. Yeah. I think in comedy you try to get someone different because then. Oh, interesting. Because if you see like the same kind of sense of humor for the entire show,

you're like, all right, I get it. You know, like, that's why, like, that's why, like, A lot of people pick their openers is like, this guy's a wordplay guy. Oh, yeah. Are there a lot of those? Yeah, there's some wordplay guys. Really? Yeah.

Like, uh, um, Dmitry Martin. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge wordplay guy. Yeah, yeah. You got any prop guys in your crew, like prop comedy? I wish, did that. Carrot top.

Yeah. Dude, carrot tops in some hot water right now. Yeah, um, he, um, he, I can't believe I miss this hit, fill me it. He's a student now. He tried to commit suicide. side because he got he was being blackmailed

by this guy who had like a video of him getting head from someone, not even like an underage kid, it was just like a guy getting head like yeah. From a dude? Yeah. And you know what's crazy? Oh, I thought he got, I thought he did some illegal and he's not in hot water. No, no,

he was just like embarrassed. He was just really embarrassed, I think. That he got head from a guy because he's not gay? I guess but he is? I mean, like, look at that guy. He's like. Well, you can get head for like two for like... It was just a couple... Oh my God, I didn't...

It was just like 20 minutes. He was just getting head for like 20, 25 minutes. Whoa, I don't know if I should have that should have. That's actually... I didn't not know he tried to kill him so. Here's the deal. If I'm ever getting head by a man or a woman and someone starts... Someone else enters the room and starts filming it.

I'd have my quest. Like, how did the guy film it for that long? I think they're like... They're like old friends. So actually, this is... This is interesting. I know the guy who is... blackmailing him. He used to hang out around open mics in Maui and proposition like young

comedians. He'd be like, hey, if you suck my dick, I'll let you open for this guy who's coming to town. And like, I had a few friends. I'm not going to name any names, but I had a couple friends who were offered this. And I never got offered that. I was kind of offended me. I would have done that in a heartbeat. I was like 18. I wouldn't have done it, but you know, it was nice to be included. They would have been opening for you if you had. But yeah, he used to hang around. He was like this old, like, Vegas. He does like crooner music.

His name's Brian Evans. I can say his name. He's a piece of shit. Like, you know, like Sinatra? Yeah. He does like Sinatra, but in the year 2026. Oh my God. So, you know, not really a popular genre.

No, he lives in Maui. Oh. Yeah. Did you know anyone? Grunner. Did you know anyone that did it? I did know a guy who did it. And he was not the same afterward.

He was like a pretty bubbly, fun guy. And he sucked this guy's dick. Yeah. And then when he came back, he's like, I don't think I want to do comedy anymore. He didn't tell you he did it. No, but he didn't tell us that he did it. But he was, uh, something happened to the point where he was a different personality. And you're like, that guy, that guy, that guy, fucking something happened to him.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so that was the guy that was black that you'd change your personality? That guy did. That guy was blackmailing Caratop. Yeah. How did he get the video? He's like old friends of Caratop from like Vegas or something like that.

So I don't know. They're doing, I don't know the full story there. I just know the guy. Oh. And he used to like creep around. And then he made Caratop try to kill himself. Man. Now he opened, like real fucking real hub.

I will say, dude, the life of like a residency in Vegas feels dark. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Killed Ralphie Mae. It's like fucking like.

Killed Elvis. Yeah. Killed Elvis. What happened Elvis poop so hard he died? Yeah, yeah, he poop so hard-hearted. His brains came out of his butt. I think he just, like, OD'd on the toilet. Oh, I think he had a heart attack or something.

Or heart attack, maybe, right? Yeah. But he was not in good shape, I don't think. No, he was, like, pretty heavy then, I think. Yeah. 1970s, the year the pizza was made. Yeah. Oh, man.

Carrots up. Google Elvis in 1977. Yeah, he kind of looks like an Elvis impersonator. He's only 42, too. can imagine like if your buddy started wearing stuff like that like why wouldn't you get famous if he was the most famous guy on earth I think I'd be like okay I'm gonna show up to this podcast you guys gonna be dressed like this and I'll be like this thing is doing well this is good

I didn't realize how many people were listening what is that about like performers though like that you get really you get that famous and then you start dressing like that I think it's like because it's flashy and people want to like look at something interesting you know like I also think like he kind of started that a little, no? Yeah, maybe, yeah. I guess, yeah. I think he might have been the OG and then it was Benson Boone.

Yeah. And that's, I think it was those. That's it. Elton John. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he was. Freddie Mercury. Yeah.

Did you ever see the Austin Butler version of the Elvis? No, I didn't. I think I watched Priscilla or whatever the, whatever the one is with. There were like two Elvis movies at the same time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the Jaggeda Lordy one. The one of Jacob Lordy I watched. No, I didn't realize she was like 14 when they got married.

Yeah. I think they made the Elvis movie and then someone was like, wait, wait, didn't that guy date a 14 year old? We got to make a movie about that. We'll do the other one. Okay, he gets one fun one and then we'll do one where we critique it. And then we do one where we critique the situation. The Austin Butler one, he like couldn't stop talking like Elvis too, which is really funny.

Oh, that was awesome. Damage his vocal cords permanently and he had to go to a coach to get him just untouched. He was like at the award He's like, it's a big honor Oh I'm Austin How me Have you heard of my barge

Your friend does the Marge doc Or the Marge biopic Can't do the fuck He can't do the fuck He can't stop doing it So what were you guys saying Why did I take the role of Mickey Mouse Yeah

It's ruined my life life. Yeah, what is the worst one you could have? Goofy's pretty bad. Hitler, Hitler would be good. That could just be, you're a German guy, I think. I don't know. No, like, really.

You can't stop saying every sentence with like, oomph and, like, banging the table. And, like, spit flying out of your mouth. George W. Bush, that would be a fun one. Ever since I did that Tyson biopic, it's fucking ruined my fucking life. That's pretty good, right? Pretty solid Tyson, yeah.

It's got a good Tyson. I knew it wasn't done that fucking biopic. That's my Tyson. I don't know why it makes me uncomfortable. It was a Spielberg movie. I had the, I mean, when am I going to get a chance to work with Spielberg again? Pretty good?

Oh, baby. I did the Dick Vitel biopic, and now I talk like this. That's the worst one. It's a diaper dandy. Aren't they making a new, I never should have done that new Rocky biopic. That's my Rocky. Yo, why you dream? Take them glass.

The Rocky biopic? Aren't they doing that? Put a biopic about a fictional character. They're doing a bi. It's like about how they made Rocky. Yeah, yeah. They already are. Oh, oh.

Yeah. I play Rocky. You do Stephen Hawking and you're like, you can just stop tight. Yeah. Or he talks you It ruined my life Can't stop it in the face Yeah

My fellow Americans Straighten your head up Stop putting your head down Your shoulder like that I didn't I'm Who's that? I couldn't find it

I didn't try it I don't know Who is it Is it? Is he Biden? Is he Biden? it's a pretty good Biden it's not a bad bad Biden

end of his second term Biden or first it's um vanilla ice cream end of his term Biden it's just like mostly exhaling well

I was running we would yeah my fellow Americans it is crazy that's something we don't talk about then for we he would just say stuff that was like

it's like really sad to watch. Yeah, yeah, it was tough. Because even if you watch when he was running in 2020 initially. You didn't know what planet he was that was insane.

He was like he had well I guess brain cancer. Was that it? Did they know that? He didn't get diagnosed until after. I bet they do. I mean, yeah. I bet they're just like

fuck it, we'll do it. Fuck it, we'll do it live. Put him up there. Fuck it. No one can tell. It's not that obvious. I was like, oh. Yeah, yeah.

We can totally, you can totally tell. The advisor's like, he could just be tripping on in his words. Did we have him debate like that? Yeah. Well, that was the turning point is like, I think they knew it was bad, but there's also, I've seen interviews where they talk about like that debate night, like, was like the worst they'd ever seen him. Like, that was like, and then after that, that's when he dropped out. I would be so mad if I was his, like, grandson being like, stop doing this to him.

Like, if you were like, no, but I don't know, right? all the interviews making my grandpa do this. He doesn't want to do it. Have you seen all the Hunter Biden interviews? No. Like, you only went on this, like, press tour?

Yeah. He's been saying the opposite. He, like, resents the people that, like, made him drop out and, like, turn their back on him and stuff. He's like, I don't, which I don't, I don't really get. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm like, that's, but, like, I don't think. You wanted that guy to be press. I think he was, I think he was definitely, like, I don't know, I don't think he wanted to do it. Honestly, that did.

sundowning president kind of badass he's like I don't take any shit fucking like you're it is but yeah we just he's a president with nothing to lose nothing scary it's like 6 p.m. and he's like fucking invade Iran he's like did he say Iran or Iraq

doesn't matter I don't care one of them flip a book going try him he's telling you to invade countries that don't exist like oh man he is losing it but he's bad ass I want Troops on the ground on Yugoslavia. I don't think they've been around for like a hundred years.

Figure it out. This dying wish. Take down the Ottoman Empire. They're like, yeah. Yeah, Mr. President, it was a wild success. Good. Good. Very good.

Excellent. That was quick. You guys work fast. I like you guys. Greatest fucking country in the world. I want Korea to be in, I want Korea to be in separate. into two countries. Yeah.

He is like, we can do that. He's done. He's going to love us. He's good. He's good. Yeah. Well, the good news is the good news is all our presidents

will probably be old forever. Yeah. And at least we got a really good guy in now. Yeah. At least we figured it all out. Yeah. It worked out for the best. Yeah.

Do you think we should, do you think we'll ever have a 90-year-old president? I bet we can get there. close, right? He's like 86? Yeah. Trunt. Trunt? How old is Trump? Dornald Trent. He's 80.

80? That's got to be bullshit. He's been 80. I feel like he's been 80 for 10 years. How old was Biden? 80? I think he was like 70. They're like the same age, yeah. 83. Yeah. 83, yeah. But isn't like every, is this the, is Trump the oldest president that there's ever been? I think so I'm pretty sure Well or Biden was

No but he was 79 when he was I don't think he's 83 now He wasn't he present two years ago Has it only been two years? I feel like it's fucking I think he was so long Yeah maybe you're right Was JFK the youngest president

We need another young hot guy in You know You know Or I don't All the OG guys I think were Sneaky younger Although George Washington was like the oldest He was like

All the fact Founding fathers are like 22. Yeah, yeah. They're all fucking... He was like 40. Yeah, exactly. Oh, Teddy Roosevelt. 42.

Here's a fun thing about Jack Kennedy. His dad. The most East Coast thing you've ever said also calling him Jack. What? Did I say Jack Kennedy? Awesome. That's great. It's fucking sick, dude.

His dad wanted to be president and then was on the wrongs. He didn't, when he was like the ambassador, the U.S. ambassador in like some European country, he made some comment about not thinking Hitler was going to be that big of a deal. And then it all happened. And everyone was like, oh. And so he was like, I'll never be able to be president. So he was just like put it all in his sons.

He's like, one of you guys has to do it? I made that comment about it. Google, what did Joe Kennedy say about Hitler? It was like, it's not going to be a big, it won't be an issue. It's probably nothing. I've met him. He's actually a cool guy. And then fuck it and everything.

He's like, all right. You're going to be president of my son. Oh, he's appeasement. Oh, he believed we should compromise and stay out of World War II. Okay. Well, yeah. There was a lot of people saying that back then. He said that Franklin Roosevelt was under Jewish influence and was misinformed about the ideals of Hitler's regime.

You know, and that's too bad. Joe Kennedy would have been really popular in 2026. Yeah, yeah, that guy would be fucking, you'd be already. He'd just waited 100 years. Everyone, that would have actually been pretty popular opinion. He said democracy is. finished. Democracy is, wait, what did he say that?

Oh, in England, okay. And maybe here. I can't remember how he did it, but him and his buddies all, I don't really understand how this works, but they just pooled all their money together and just bought and sold the same stock like a million times and found some like crazy way to manipulate the stock market. And they all made like tens of millions of dollars.

And then I think they had to put like, that's like why the SEC exists. That's so funny, dude. Joe Kennedy and his buddies just figured out of loophole. Just a guy a hundred years ago being anti-Semitic, insider trading, all the stuff that makes you a good politician now.

He would have not a good politician, but a successful politician. You would have loved the present. I thought the SEC was like in reaction to the market crash. I think he, Joe Kennedy and his buddies are the reason the fucking market crash. Really?

He sold his entire portfolio like a week before the, um... Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Like the depression. Holy shit. Buying it on the same stock through fictitious account. Here's a funny.

Here's another Kennedy thing. I don't know why I'm going on a Kennedy rant. Oh, so they would drive up the prices. Yeah. By just buying and selling. That's crazy. And be like, oh, there's a lot of action. Yeah.

There's a ton of movement here. It must be valuable. John F. Kennedy said that he didn't hear about the deprecise. until he got to Harvard. That's how rich they were. Wow. Wait. His deep familiarity with these tactics led him to be appointed as the first chairman of the SEC

to clean up the practices he once used. Pretty awesome. Honestly, what a power move. Yeah, that's all that. A power move. Isn't that crazy, though? He didn't, like, they were so rich that John F. Kennedy didn't know the depression was happening until he got to, he didn't hear about it.

until he got to Harvard. Listen, I didn't know about depression until I got to college either, so. Amen, brother. Yeah. He said he noticed that there were more, there were more people working at his house, but that was it.

Like, his dad would hire more people. Also, imagine being so rich that Harvard is where you hear about poor people. That's fucking crazy. He's like, this is the poorest place I've ever been to. This place is a dump. Jesus, Christ. I've ever seen his essay to get into Harvard?

No. It's like three sentences long. You just put, I want to go to, I want to be a Harvard man because my dad was a Harvard man. It's like literally like three sentences. We can read it. But it was something ridiculous. I feel like that's most Harvard applications to this day. JFK's Harvard essay.

It's literally that. He drew a picture of him. Oh, in his defense, they don't really keep you a lot of space. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually a good point. Yeah. But he just put the reason.

I want to be... I mean, he kind of used all the space he would have had. Wait, it was up above, if you want to read it. The reasons that I have for wishing to go to Harvard are several. I like how college essays haven't changed at all.

Well, no, they... I wish mine was, like, that size of a thing. I didn't... I know, for real. I didn't write it on... Also, he drew a pretty damn good picture of himself. I had to do, like, three pages on why I loved

Seattle University. clearly it worked is that where you went yeah what was that like it was fine i don't know it was okay is it a big school no it was pretty small school it's like a jesuit small school yeah in seattle

it was a cool uh area it was like in capital hill which is where like nirvana came from and all that shit Seattle's like the opposite of Hawaii yeah yeah yeah i just fucking I was like get me out of here get me out of Hawaii you ever been like angsty you've ever been angsty but you're out of Hawaii

I'm never fucking come back to Charleston That was me, dude Get me out of Kihei That is so funny The waves only barrel in the summer At this point sucks Yeah No matter where you are

You're at angsty team Yeah, it's so funny Yeah Seattle was like Did you like Seattle? Did you like Seattle? No I didn't

Did you immediately appreciate Hawaii? No, it took me a little while I like the first year I liked it But then it was like It just fucking rains so much It's like so depressing being there. You go like a hundred days

without seeing the sun. Yeah, dude, I broke that record. Easy. That's just your line. That's what my mom said. She was like, we had to leave Seattle because I didn't see the sun for a hundred days. You've heard of say that like a five-th-thage.

It's like biblical the way she says it. Yeah, that's why he always says it like that. And then every time Seattle comes up, he's like, you know, like sometimes you go 100 days without seeing the sun. It's true. It's true. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.

No, dude, it is too. What's the comedy scene like there? Is it like weird? No, it was so weird. I mean like I just... It's zany. I feel like I put like Portland and Seattle on like the same. I feel like family.

Yeah. Pacific Northwest. Yeah. That too. I wonder how you're doing this. I consider them in the same general area. Sort of like how I put Cleveland in Cincinnati. Yeah.

Well, you know what I mean where the people there are like very strange. and like very open-minded, but at the same time not. Yeah, yeah, it's all, like, really performative. That also kind of got on my nerves after a little while. Yeah, I would be scared of my comedy there, I think. People would be like, everyone is equal. I fucking, I love, like, you know, I wouldn't ever, you know, treat someone differently based on their gender, the color of the skin,

and then a black guy walks by, and they're like, and they're like also. Yeah, they're all fucking pussies for the most part. Not all of them. That's like, that's a generalization. There's some strong ones. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

There's some. Ken Jennings, I think is from Seattle. Ken Jennings. The host of Jeopardy. Yeah. Notorously strong. Yeah, yeah. Strong personality.

Yeah. Very strong. Yeah. Very strong. Yeah. Tough guy, if you will. A real no-nonsense guy. He's sort of, yeah, like a no-nonsense, tough guy.

Yeah. He was actually the, originally the bruiser of Jeopardy. He was the bad boy of Jeopardy for you. Yeah. He would answer like, like fucking, he would, they, he would say like, fucking pussy. Yeah. Oh.

I wager fucking a thousand fucking dollars. Yeah, yeah. He would wager like, he would wager like 420. He was like a goon. Yeah. Like in hockey. He just brought him into fight. I'm going to get sent down if I don't fight here.

Yeah. I have to go back to local trivia if I don't beat the fuck out of this guy. Wait, on the right, can you click that link it says. how does my COVID affect my round three business school application? Dude, have you guys been seeing the COVID-conscious lesbian sports bar? No. They're hot water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there's this, there's this women's sports bar, lesbian sports bar that's still COVID-conscious. And it was owned by two people and one of them left to go to clown school? Three people. Three people. Wait, where is this? Massachusetts. No, New York. New York City.

Oh. Yeah, it was a polycule. They were all dating each other. And one left to go to clown school? Yes. Yesterday you said I wasn't tapped in. Who's tapped in? You know all the lesbian drop.

And what happened? She left to go to clown school and then the other one was like, we're losing a bunch of money. We need to lift the COVID consciousness. Yeah, so for on Saturdays. One day out of the week. One day they're not COVID-conscious. Yeah, you didn't have to wear your COVID mask at the bar. And people said that they were being too ablest and decided to never go to the bar again.

How were people drinking at this bar with the mask suck? It just soaks through the mask. Yeah, yeah. You kind of like leave the mask. You dunk the mask in beer and then you put it on. You just inhaling. Or they could, what was the thing? Or a farm.

Kids used to dip tampons and soak tampons in like vodka and put them up their butt. Yeah, yeah. They do that. They're all boofing. Is that what it was called? Wasn't it boofing? Yeah, I believe it was buffing. It's kind of a COVID-conscious boofing bar.

Yeah. Smells like ass. Three guys who definitely know it's boofing. Is it called booffing? Three guys who are boofing. I think it's called, I think the term is boofing. I want to say boofing? Dare I say?

Pretending. I think I've heard somewhere. I've heard about guys. I know a guy who's boofed before. There were kids that got caught boofing at a, at like, a homecoming dance at our school. Really? Yeah. That's hilarious.

I don't know how you get caught. That's, I just probably look into that. I think maybe you can still. The strings coming out of their pants and they're like, hey. Your ass is soaked. Your ass is soaked and smells like nail polish remover. Hey, stab in the dark. Are you boofing right now?

Are you boofing or are you doing your beard? One of them, like, farted and pooped it out. or farted and completely sobered up Yeah The guy didn't go He didn't really get it He's like sitting in the Like juice thing

Yeah Oh, I didn't really In the punch bowl Yeah yeah yeah You can't refill here It's also known as Rectal Administration

That's so weird We call booing like Smoking weed in high school At least I did Smoking through your ass Well I would be Yo Let me let me get that

Wow Everything Oh That actually Sorry COVID Yeah Sorry it's a little wet I'd be like

Are you guys Boothing tonight And people would be like Yeah we are I thought that meant like They were smoking weed No No no your friends were sticking

Tampons in their assholes Yeah What is the I don't even remember What's the point of it It gets you like super fucked up Yeah straighten your bloodstream and I think

I think it's like super dangerous yeah you can like you can die from it yeah it's like it's easy to get alcohol it bypasses the liver which is the natural defense mechanism that filters alcohol but if you get liver problems that's a good way if I can keep drinking if my uh if my if my you know if I found out one of my kids was boofin I don't I don't know how you handle that like we our parents had to deal with I mean like I should have you have that beer I'm sorry yeah I would be like literally

on it. I'd be like, if you and your friends want to boo, it's fine. I just would rather you do it at my house. I just would rather

be there so I can make sure I'm going to say. Dude, Willie Jr's dad is so cool. Yeah. He lets us boof in his house. It reeks. Listen,

I'd rather they do it in front of me than, you know, behind my back and they're going to boof. End up driving. Kids are going to boof. This is a thing that happens. We're lying to ourselves

if we say they're not. not going to booth. So let's just accept it and make sure they're doing it safely. They're in high school now. I get their food and snacks. Yeah, yeah. Listen, he's talking to girls. He's boofing.

He's getting old. If you guys, after prom, want to come boof at our house, that is fun. We'll set up tents in the backyard. Small group, sterilized tampons. And, yeah. Nail polish from CVS. We'll have nail polish removal.

It's not that hard. A little bit can save a life. Imagine boofing, like, still with beer. Like, you just... Yeah, yeah. I'm having a chill night. I like the tit. Yeah.

I don't do hard. Yeah, I don't do hard. Try to cut back. Yeah. Can you get any calories from booffing? I don't know. Because I might... No, that's a good way to...

No, no boofing. I might look at that. No, don't get them any ideas. I mean, dude, just like... Now that falls here, I'm just so excited to, like, sit on the couch. You know, throw on some football booth all day. Like, I'll keep my summer bud tight. Shit.

You still get the calories, yeah. You still get calories? But they're like right there. They're right where they're going to come out. Yeah. You get calories from putting shit in your ass? Yeah. That's why I've been having such a hard time.

No wonder I'm gaining so much weight. You can tell someone's been doing a lot of anal. You look fucking huge right now. Dude, you boofing? Oh, wait. That explains the photo with Burke Kreischer. They did. I was boofing all night.

Yeah, when I boof, it goes right to my thighs. Goes right to my, yeah, it goes right to my face. Oh, yeah, that's why everyone gets the freshman 15. You've just been shoving shit up your ass on. Oh, my God. Come back, your dad's like, dude, you got a cut back on the boofing. You look fucking huge. I remember my first.

Do you remember your first boof? Was it like with your parents or was it like out with your buddy? My parents, I remember sneaking booths. Well, I remember like, I did it. I did it. Let me boof like if it was like a family dinner. Yeah. I did it in Europe where the age of boofing is lower.

The boofing age is like 14 there. I remember initially thinking it was disgusting, but then you kind of grow to acquire the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's really, it's about the feelings. Right. Yeah. Or do you, like, you're your cousins, would you go on like boof walks? And it's like, and it's like, listen, we all know what they're doing out there.

Yeah, when your cousin gives you that look across the table and you know you're going to go boof a joint. Oh, man. Yeah, I mean, my parents, yeah. We might play too much. Yeah. We might legit play too much. You guys are kidding. Yeah.

There's a string coming out of my pants. raining in the new year with a champagne booth that was remember how the bubbles feel the first time you're at a wedding yeah

a toast and there's no one's holding anything up everyone's holding it down yeah yeah at a boof toast you hold everything under the table

yeah yeah and the yeah I just like booffing games are always fun boofing games yeah

yeah boof pong sit around boof cage oh my god She's always good. God. Flip Booth.

King's Booth. Your buddy's ass is spread it on the table and you're trying to flip a soak tampon into it. Into it. You know what? Oh, yeah. Boof Fong is, yeah. You and your buddy with your ass's face to each other and then your two partners trying to throw a tampon into your butt. Who wants to celeb?

Please. Does anyone want a celeb? Going to your buddy. Going to your buddy's party. and all the drinking games are like boofing related we're like what oh how do you guys go you your crew was oral oh east coast rules yeah house rules did your crew rolls orally oh my god all right i'm gonna be honest i have to be out here at 2 30 so i think we might just have the just no roadmap is that okay that's fine all right sometimes we have like segments and stuff but we just had so much

fun yeah i think we just have to end it so we can do ads but that's fine talk talk about your show yeah Teddy cases on YouTube. It's right here at Almost Friday Media with all these wonderful people. With my good buddy, Steve Fury. We just released our second episode with Bert Kreischer. So go check that shit out. And then come see me in L.A. If you live in L.A., I got...

I don't think I have any road stuff coming up for a few months. So see me in L.A. at the Comedy Store. I'm there all the time. You think, like, the name the Comedy Store would be like, Yeah, I'll do one joke. Yeah, yeah. One joke, please? Yeah.

You can actually use that. On the weekends, I'm like, maybe two. Yeah. Willie comes out and starts with that. The comedy store, I didn't know everyone was ordering jokes. I'll do one joke. Everyone gets up. You guys a few jokes on the house.

Somebody actually came once. Hey, Willie thinks for letting me host. Someone came once thinking it was like, what have I done? Someone did that once? No, somebody came once, like, just a visit, and it was like, Do you see it sound like rubber chickens or something? Like they didn't know what it was. That's like, I mean, that kind of makes sense, actually.

That could be like... Sounds like it. A little like prank games. Yeah. Like the gum that zaps you when you pull it. Yeah, exactly. That's awesome. They come and be like, so you don't have any more of the zapping gun.

How about a can that shoots a snake out? It says beans or something, but it's like, obviously not beans. Because it's not the way any can of beans has ever looked. With a dumb prank. You know what I mean? You ever get handled with this? Oh, it's like, oh, this isn't beans. That's not what beans look like at all.

Yeah. There's not even a brand. Yeah. It's just as beans. And it's not even the shape that beans cans are. Yeah. It's like thin. Yeah, whatever.

Don't even fucking. Yeah. And rubber chickens, I've never seen a chicken look like that. No. Unless it's deflated. All the ones I see are inflated. Yeah. They're always big.

Yeah. And full of something else. Air. Meat. Chicken. Yeah, that's what it is. Mostly meat flavor. Yeah.

They rarely make that noise when you squeeze. I mean, That would actually be an all-time, all-time thing. It would be a rubber chicken that when you hug it makes a donkey noise. Yeah, we could probably do that. Yeah, yeah. Wow, I didn't see that one. Okay, you know what I'm backing on rubber chickens.

All right. Thank you, Willie. Thank you, Willie. Thanks a lot. Appreciate you guys. Bye, guys. Where some see heroes and others see egos, Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes.

A fad to some? The future of money to others. We see crypto's trillion-dollar swings. The end of jobs? Or the end of human struggle? We see the endless funds fueling the AI hype. While others follow the noise, we follow the money.

Learn more at Bloomberg.com.