Will & Rusty's Playdate - I used pull my finger to save my relationship

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

Rusty gets called out for stealing Will’s underwear, Lauren’s mom phones in, and the boys discuss the etiquette of responding to text messages. The gang also catches up on Dry January and contemplates what makes a cool mechanic. Finally, Will and Rusty draft Weird Al songs that don’t exist and reveal their way-too-early 2026 Golden Globe predictions. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod SHOP PLAYDATE MERCH AND ALL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE LOS ANGELES FIRE DEPARTMENT FOUNDATION: https://almostfriday.shop/collections/playdate-pod HEAD TO http://www.drinktriple.com/playdate TO GET 10% OFF THE ORIGINAL HIGH SELTZER USING CODE: PLAYDATE. 0% HANGOVER, 100% SOCIAL.  START YOUR NEW MORNING RITUAL & GET UP TO 43% OFF YOUR @MUDWTR WITH CODE PLAYDATE AT www.mudwtr.com/playdate! #mudwtrpod USE BETMGM BONUS CODE PLAYDATE AND GET YOUR $1500 FIRST BET OFFER TODAY https://promo.nj.betmgm.com/en/promo/geolocator?orh=promo.betmgm.com&wm=7123555 F*%K YOUR KHAKIS AND GET THE PERFECT JEAN 15% OFF WITH THE CODE PLAYDATE15 AT www.theperfectjean.nyc/PLAYDATE15 #theperfectjeanpod (00:00) Intro (07:21) Hot Yoga (12:33) Rusty’s Inside Sources (22:53) Bowling Night (26:57) Rusty is Sorry (33:53) LA Fires (40:24) Dogs (50:49) Pranking Lauren (57:04) Roadmap (01:02:53) Pitch Submissions (01:09:29) Pitches (01:17:03) Teach Me Something (01:23:40) This Guy Rocks (01:31:31) AITA (01:38:55) Weird Al Songs that Don’t Exist (01:45:03) 2026 Golden Globe Predictions (01:51:03) Whose Personality are you Stealing? #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. as always playdate is brought to you by triple the original high seltzer redefining the party landscape i have something i want to get off my chest will we were talking about this right before we started recording i will text you and you just don't respond true and i want to know like i want to know your thought process because you you see them and you go that's you go that's not like it's one of my best friends i probably should he probably won't mind if i just don't

respond for four days um okay like the the most recent example is that you sent me a song this morning right so like i woke up i'm doing my morning routine like i'm not i don't have the chance to listen to the song so i'm like i'm not gonna what do you want me to say like i'm gonna listen to this later when someone sends me a song and i don't have time to i don't have time to listen to it i go excited to hear excited to listen later yeah can't wait i don't know because trust you trust your judgment i just don't i don't listen to songs or sorry i don't respond to texts very well it's i you were for a second there your argument was gonna be i don't listen to songs i listen to a lot of songs no i don't know i'm bad about responding to texts you could

ask anyone in my life i don't know what to say it's i hate i it's certainly not an issue with not being on my phone enough because i'm always on my phone right that's what's frustrating i don't i like today after i had texted you i walked in we will and i share an office and i walked in and you had you had multiple screens up two of which had messages on them your laptop and your phone both had i did go through my messages today and i cleared through all my texts that i hadn't responded to from yesterday so that was all right so we're making that was a bad way i just i just i think i'm like on like a three couple days delay for a lot of things yeah i don't know i i you would love my friend garrett does he do that too dude i will and the problem is is our main form of

communication is snapchat yeah so he'll send something like awesome he's always doing something cool and then i will respond to it to keep the conversation going and then two weeks later he'll snapchat me back and like haha i know right and be like i don't remember i don't remember what you were doing back then yeah i don't i don't know i think it's like uh it's like a i don't know i like adhd thing but i'm not even diagnosed i'm just self-diagnosing there right i don't it's it's like i see them if it's something that's like urgent if it's like do you want to do this tonight then i'll definitely be more inclined to like respond no and what's so frustrating is i'm trying to remember what you did on friday i called you about something and you also hate phone calls

because you'll respond to a text when someone calls you so if i call you what do you mean i hate phone calls i will call you you don't pick up and then you text me two seconds later like what's up brother and like i think we could handle i just started my ringer on so i think i miss a lot if i see someone called me then i'll text them right oh this is urgent i like to handle 90 of my exchanges over the phone and it feels like you don't no and we turn up what could be a 15 second phone call into like 30 minutes of back and forth phone calls okay so you so here's this is will's argument is i'm like i'm looking at his phone and he has 1100 unread text i respond to every single one of yours and i have 1300 unread text okay but i make time for like you i guess is what

i guess i feel like i make time for you you don't i'm one of those 1100 you're you are separate from the 1300 are you worried that there's something important oh my god there's probably no i read them that's the weird thing i read them and i don't respond how often do you get it back down to like a reasonable number never oh it just stays there yeah that's terrible i can't have any bad i get mine down i try and get mine down to like a reasonable number you have 1300 what's a reasonable number a couple hundred you're gonna get that all the way down i do and then it goes back up you get yeah i don't know i don't know i gotta be better i gotta be better i guess i guess the what what i think both of us need to realize is the percentage chance that there's

something like pressing in those like 1300 and 1100 i see everything coming in i do see everything coming in i just like i'll get notification see a text i'm like i'm not gonna respond to that right now and then i forget about it later but if it's urgent i see it when you do that to me it feels like i made you this very nice origami and you look at it and you crumple it up and you throw it in the trash well no think about this like i was just like oh i don't want to look at that origami right now i'm gonna check that out later right i'm putting that on the back burner i don't know i think yeah you do put it you set it on fire you put it on the back burner you set it on fire here's the thing i think that we live in a society where we are expected to be constantly

on demand and i don't think that's healthy you know i will come to things in time and it's not it's no disrespect to anyone in my life but if you can't deal with it then i'm sorry i had this i had a similar thought the other day of like when our dads and like grandparents like left work or left yeah anywhere there was no expectation that you could get a hold of them until the next day yeah i i feel like i can't put my phone on do not disturb until i'm like i'm going to bed in the next 30 seconds i mean i have we got a new boss and he's a he's a bit of a stickler the clint the clenches of are coming on us which i think is gonna be good it's great for us because we work we do not work well with leeway yeah we yeah agreed uh but yeah what was it two weeks ago

it was we were it was still on break it was the it was like new year's day or the day after yeah and i he texted something in the group chat at 8 30 a.m i hadn't responded and then i got a separate text individually at 9 30 hey man need you active in the group you gotta have you be active in the group chat i woke up at 10 o'clock and i was like i've already gotten chirped for not being like i didn't even well the problem is is like that day him and i both wake up at like seven in the morning so like yeah to but i think to i said that's not reasonable no no i i i'm in complete agree with you i'm saying i set a bad i set you up for failure by responding that early yeah i guess you're right because then it's like oh one of them's awake and i think a lot of people

see us as one unit it was christmas break though we didn't even have fucking work that day sorry holiday break sorry lauren it's okay did you know a guy just invent like in the 90s invented kwanzaa he's still alive you can look at it like i thought it i thought it was like i said it predated christmas no what it's like a isn't it like a black american thing i thought it was just an african thing yeah yeah 1966 yeah yeah yeah i was told in the 90s so that's 60s that makes way more sense it does make more sense 66 was a tough year for those guys he looks sick when i'm okay that i think so but i i just think they were in the they were in the middle of it oh yeah there was no light at the end of the tunnel we google when martin luther king i think it was like 71

him uh he died no let's see um him and frank and betty white were all born in the same year yeah I went to yoga yesterday how'd that go for you pretty overwhelming you had a big day yesterday I had a big day yesterday but sorry tell us about yoga

was it hot yoga it was hot it wasn't labeled I don't think it's hot yoga that's almost worse you're like why is it so hot you can't be like I went to hot yoga but you're like if we're not doing hot yoga

get someone turn on the ac it must have been is all yoga like a little hot i i don't have enough experience in yoga but i don't think it should be like steamy in there oh it was not i was sweating would be funny if you're like you're in like a like a hard pose and everyone's like shivering like i think you need it somewhat warm to keep you but then i get all slippery from the sweat and then it's like all right now get back down into like downward dog and i'm like my hands i'm like like i can't you bring your own mat no i use the one they had there was it a nice mat i've seen i don't have a yeah who'd you go with uh scott my roommate nice for you the only two guys no there were other guys all the other guys took their shirts off i did not do that oh that's

fucking awesome were they wearing tight pants uh no they were in shorts but they were like jacked yeah and uh then and then you just any any potential of me going to yoga you just you just shut it down yeah i was well you know i'll get you a good bod though thank you you You didn't want to pop the top? I wasn't ready for that. You got to pop the hood, man. Scott and I kept our shirts on. But there's a lot going on.

There's a lot of stuff. He's like, and now do the- And he's saying words I don't know. He's like, and now do the crumple wind? And everyone just goes, of course. And I'm like, uh. You look over, and one guy's standing on one finger. At one point, I was looking at this lady in front of me as a reference.

And then at one point, she stood on her head. Yeah. And I was like, what? Well, because don't they give you- Was it not a beginner class? It was everything. so he was like do whatever you're comfortable with this and i've been kind of like following her and then she goes and stay on her head and i'm like yeah all right so i have to find a new

guy to look at the guy next to you starts levitating you're like whoa it's like i'm a couple steps behind these guys i was in the back of the room thank god so i was like no one's looking at me and then because a lot of it's like hard like like it's like strength like you gotta like like it was hard to like hold these poses like it's like everyone everyone is like on the same page they're like all right we're all like experts here and then the teacher stops and's like wait a second hey what the fuck are you doing back there he came over at one point he was like all right so we're gonna move this arm in and he hasn't talked to anyone individually until me but at one point he's like now extend your left leg back and i'm like like we're like looking out

this way and i extend my leg and i just kick the cabinet right behind me and i went oh fuck which is like total definitely a party foul in yoga i will say it's probably it's more on the studio to have like a filing cabinet in the i think i was like way too back far back on my mat for that what we're doing i was just like on a pile of marbles you're like why is my side of like booby traps yeah i feel like i was set i don't know man it was i don't think it was the best showing but felt really good hey everyone is a beginner at some point so i think i'm gonna start doing it regularly my friend sophia works at the studio so i got to go for free where's this uh yoga i think what are they my friend sophia my friend her earthly name is sophia

what do you say what do they say when you're leaving again namaste namaste and then everyone like says it back it's sort of like everyone's saying like amen right church yeah but it's called camp it's on where oh okay yeah everyone go there right or not maybe not at the same time not yeah but it was um and then at the end of it like the guy the guy next to me was really who i was using as a reference for a lot of it and at the end he said hey great job brother that's all at the end and i was like brother you're welcome that's cool thank you i took a pilates class you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome where um at rollins oh nice we had to take like a PE class because it was liberal arts and uh like Pilates will be easy enough yeah by the way

one letter away from pirates sounds so different pirates oh we've done this already yes probably um and I was the only there was one other guy in the class but he was clearly like in with this crowd I was an outsider and I didn't feel comfortable going to the class and so I just started like really racking up absences like quick and it got to the point where it was just like i think i i don't think i would have been able to like pass even just based off of like you haven't been to 60 of the classes and so she made me write an essay for every every class that i missed but we got sent home for covid so i was just doing it in the basement i would just put my laptop up so you could only see the top of my head oh i feel like you told this oh yeah okay

so i just right but then i yeah long time ago yeah and then she made i would just have to like panic and like see what someone else was doing and like try and get in that position um i forgot sorry i didn't mean to ruin you no no you had a you it seems like you had a i i got a you know i have eyes everywhere and he's got like yeah my my my inside i have a guy that follows will and he will was volunteering just at the very nice thing he was volunteering sorting clothes for people that have been i guess displaced by the fire would maybe be the way to put it yeah and um i was thinking if i was doing that everyone in my life would know and the fact that you were just doing it in secret makes me question everything i know about you well how often

are you doing like good deeds in secret uh not enough not enough so this you i got you caught me on a good day i guess my my friend saw will and was i was like why don't you just go say hi and she was like i don't think he knows who i am i was like yeah that's why you go say hello i had no idea she was apparently met before but no i don't think you have met before oh really but she likes will well oh god and then she caught me volunteering or or liked will yeah yeah yeah she's like just liked me until she just just got over the crush and then sees you like helping a puppy out of a fire just damn it yeah no it's cool um there's it was at the lion's gate studios and now they're doing a if you're when you're listening to this there's a big you can

go pick them up but i guess if any of our playmates were displaced by the fire yeah hopefully you were not yeah you can go get clothes it was so many fucking clothes it was well i'm seeing that they don't want more donations well apparently people are using it as like an excuse to get rid of like shitty stuff yeah like you know when your mom's like bring this to goodwill and you're like who's ever gonna use this i did donate a sydney sweeney uh like retro crew neck like from the friday beer store i was a little guy was kind of like i don't know who wants some guy just lost all of his things like yeah it's like something you buy is like it's because it's like funny but like yeah some i don't know yeah um i think people are grateful for a lot more than we would

well the thing is a lot of it was good stuff and it's like if it doesn't go to the like it'll go to goodwill or salvation army or something like it's it's gonna get used so you know even if it's just a pretense to donate stuff but yeah it was um it was cool it was there was like a hundreds of people it was a it was cool to see yeah everyone how'd you hear about this my friend lily works at linesgate and kind of helped organize it shout out lily she did a lot of work i uh i learned you know when you're like you were adults now you're like learning how like the world works a little bit like things that like your dad would you're like how does your dad know how to do all these things you're like oh he just kind of learned it along the way i had one of those

uh last week i i was driving my car's been just super loud lately like it sounds like it's about to explode and i was like i don't got anything to do today i can go check that out which like shouldn't have i should have gotten it checked out much earlier like it sounded like it was going to explode at any second and i pulled into the mechanics shop and the i walked in and they were like you pick it up and drop it off they're all like real mechanics like cool yeah cool like a real tattoo of like a bird on their shoulder yeah exactly yeah they all have that and uh can and i was like i just have my car is making this weird noise if one of you guys could check it out real quick and like i guess real quick is something you just don't say to mechanics they

all fucking like guys were dropping their wrenches to like turn around being like what moron just said that in the head guy kind of like stepped out of the shadows and was like there is no real quick and i was like all right all right let's go can we just go look at it and he was like yeah yeah come on and kind of dropped it and then he popped the hood and was like oh my good god and i was like what and he was like how long have you been driving on this i was like i don't know like four days five days he was like jesus christ man and i was like what he was like he was like you're out of coolant there's a leak i was like how was i supposed to know like i don't i'm not like checking the coolant levels yeah he's like go to this guy right now it's right up the

street pull in and then i pull into this new shop and it's like way more laid back the coolant guy it was like yeah these cool they these clearly special they were yeah they were drinking the coolant and they were like they were like yo what's up dude and i was just like this guy just like is really upset he wants you to look at this and he popped he's like this is not good and i was like like even the chill guy was like oh just get your car back from the shop like months ago yeah but that was for like a crash that you're like i would have checked it all out now well presumably a leak has happened in between yeah and uh he was like this is not good i was like okay he's like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna fix this like come pick it up on monday and then he went back into

the shop and like a testament to how much cooler these guys were i was sitting in my car waiting for my roommate to come pick me up and he's like yo jack and i was like what's up he's like you you ride home and i was like no i'm good my buddy's coming he's like cool like later bro my god his car was like all right i like this i like this shop's vibe a lot more than the other one that's awesome yeah they're like a yin and yang maybe yeah i mean it is gonna be 900 so it's wait so what is this i had a leak in my car too but i think it was i guess the water pump there's a leak and i think the cool the it pumps coolant into that to like cool the engine not familiar with how an engine works but there's pistons what i there are pistons what i gathered was he was like

i'm gonna do a pressure test for 95 bucks hopefully it comes back clear and then he just called me he's like yo it's it's not good but like he's like it'll be fine just come pick it up on monday so like it's too long today yeah maybe his like maybe part of their mo is like they're so cool that you're just like this guy's not fucking me over yeah that's true you know what i mean yeah and like i have no way of like my dad will always be like these shysters and he can like he can like figure out if they're lying or not like i have i've such a limited knowledge of cars that i just have to take these guys word for it yeah which i'm sure he's not scamming me but i wouldn't be so sure yeah he could be scamming you why are there some jobs where it's just like yep they just they

scam and that's like part of the i think it used to be all jobs yeah and there's some things that cars like the final frontier yeah because i think it's like all like localized shops instead of like one big we also like you have to have such a great knowledge to like disprove it yeah that seems insane to me that there's not like a law against like lying about that it probably is but how are they gonna enforce it i don't know i like those dateline shows where they they proved have you seen that they proved like all those hvac guys have been lying no so they were just hired they would unplug something in their ac and call an hvac guy over and see if they were honest or not because like it's like a very quick fix like they literally just had to plug something in

they would see like what companies would lie in like connecticut or something that's awesome some guys would be like yeah it's like total like you got to get a new one and then like one guy out of the five was just like yeah someone unplugged it that's hysterical i wonder yeah maybe we can do something like that well can we get like um we'll be like our mics aren't working yeah we could get like um like edge we could be we could put bees in edge's car figure out how we do this test put bees in edge's car yeah and then hire a apiarist it's an apiarist uh be expert handler and then we could see if they are honest about what's going on with edge's car i don't know it's gonna tickle i don't know i think the radiators off or something it's full of in them one

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Canadian new vehicle total registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. This podcast is brought to you by Triple. Triple is the original high seltzer with three milligrams of THC and just 15 to 20 calories. Triple offers a social buzz similar to that of your favorite hard seltzer. Light on calories, high on life. It's all natural, gluten-free, and again, just 15 to 20 calories. I'm just going to tell you right now, triple has been such a fun little part of my weekends and my life now that i'm doing dry january i had a few on saturday while i watched the chargers game they lost which is a bummer but it was fun and yeah we went bowling on friday and will was getting a little tripled yeah doing

dry january so he substituted uh you know some booze for some triple and i bowled a strike he bowled he did not bowl a strike but triple does not make you good at bowling i think i said last week it doesn't make you get a darts doesn't make you get a bowling we know for a fact at least it definitely we don't know if it hurts yet but we know it definitely doesn't help yeah uh i will say will was a delight on those so guys if you're looking you know to mix things up maybe you're not even doing dry january but you want to just feel good all the time maybe not all the time but you know have a couple triples i've said it before and i'll say it again two to three is the sweet spot I like to have two, see how I'm feeling, maybe round third.

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You guys got to meet Milady. Oh, yeah, I met Rusty's girlfriend. Can I say girlfriend on the pod? You always say like my chica I definitely never said my chica My chica is like an Elise thing Elise loves chica Your girlfriend was lovely

She did bowl with bumpers on which is a little juvenile Which for the record she texted me Put bumpers on And then showed up Proceeded to hit the bumpers like almost every time And then kept telling Will Like She bowled like a really good score one game

Because she had bumpers on and was like well i didn't even use the bumpers but she was and then she kept telling will like i didn't even want the bumpers and i was like don't tell me to she was making it look like i was like patronizing her well i think that's just the way you sort of emblematic of the way you look at women in general right is that you think that they need like your help right you're their savior sort of right i could have used the bumpers frankly i was fucking horrible at bowling lauren is pretty good at bowling because she used to go we found out she used to go bowling in college i did she was on the bowling team at Dayton. I was not on the

I was not on the bowling team at Dayton, but I did go a decent amount of times with my friends. There's not much to do in Dayton, Ohio. Yeah, really? And I went with my ex like a few times. Are you joking? Obviously, there's not a lot. No, there's not. I thought it was a beehive of activity. What about Dragons games?

I did go to a couple of Dragons games. Those were fun. No, I don't know. I think Scott was really good. I always remember being good at it. Scott was my roommate. Scott was gnarly at bowling. Well, you and I, the problem drinking and bowling did not go together i wasn't drinking all right so i don't you don't have an excuse i played okay the first game i was drinking i carried my team the first game and then the

second game i was too drunk she was drinking scott was drinking scott pulled like a 170 once something ridiculous something like that wait i got an 100 in the first game that is good i got like an 84 one game i was humiliated i really will say they didn't we didn't have the the ball situation was was concerning what there were like as many balls no but there were only there were only there were only a couple that had like large finger holes so you had to like yeah there was only one i liked but i didn't want to be the guys waiting for my ball to come around so i had to use a second one i think you can wait i had a couple strikes i didn't have a single strike i think i'm woated they had unlimited pizza yeah i didn't even have a piece that i took advantage it was

it was good and you had like 20 diet cokes and i had i've been drinking so much diet coke how was dry january going for you fucking awesome dude do you feel better i feel you look really good thank you yeah i've been yeah like i feel awesome i ran the most i've run in a long time last week how far uh i just like i went like five five out of the seven days i ran like oh you ran the most yeah like in terms of volume you're doing a halfie right and then i did yo yeah i'm doing a half marathon in may and it feels like a while out yeah i know but i want to get a good time so i want to like get my speed up and get into shape and then i can what's sam's record for a half yeah i don't know flying probably his marathon time is like a 259 though jesus lord that's what he ran

in chicago so you know will ferrell ran like a 258 um he's like a good runner really yeah google that google will ferrell marathon 58 is that so he's one better than my brother no i think he was like flying a three well that's wait no i i think i mean sub four is good i don't think that's accurate you're an hour off i don't think that's anything in the three is good yes yeah yeah no that is a good time but that is it's just like again this guy and his sources yeah i could have sworn i saw it's just like you gave such a specific time i could have sworn it was better than sam's but maybe if it goes well then i'll uh um marathon in the fall or something i have to issue you know i don't i never like to do this but i have to issue a formal retraction of something that i

said on this podcast oh uh on our halloween episode i said that i don't think you should fart in front of your significant other i i got her to fall for pull my finger oh yeah yesterday it was the hard it was it was the happiest i've ever been in my entire life i got her it was it was like she had never i don't think i think it was like a new i think she might think i invented pull my finger because i we're sitting there we're getting really into southern charm you guys seen southern charm that's on charleston it is it's the greatest reality show of all time if you haven't seen southern charm get on peacock which apparently peacock has a i just got peacock all sorts of goodies cocking it up i've been cocking i've been getting cocked out of my

gourd that's awesome and i'm yeah i met shep one time oh really he's him and craig are my two favorites at the bowling alley actually believe it or not that guy's awesome yeah which you've watched southern charm nope you just knew it was craig i was i thought it was ship craig's also a guy but sorry oh oh i know yeah i don't know people someone i was with was like oh my god that's chip he's the coolest guy ever i don't even know if i met him i think i lied i think i just was standing next to him he's like a trust like a bold next to him he's a trust fund kid who uh he's just he's okay with just being that yeah and isn't like thomas ravenel on that show thomas ravenel he's a freak t-rav is a freak in the where i'm at he just had a baby with a 21

year old girl um but uh so we're watching southern charm and i cracked my knuckles a lot so i think she thought maybe like one of my joints was hurting or whatever but i like i executed it perfectly i rolled over i was like hey can you just pull my finger real quick and i was kind of like in i was like in this position already so it was just like yeah it was the perfect angle and she pulled it and you know how like my favorite noise is like wow yeah it like made like that exact one and i like couldn't i was the funny it was the hardest i've ever laughed she thought it was like kind of funny yeah well she's a chick and chicks don't like she's a chick and she's like you don't think fart is as funny as we do right what about pooping like a ton

hate that what about like pooping a little bit like just like dropping i don't like i don't What about a gruntist fart? Sometimes that's fine. And then I got her two more times yesterday. Pulling her finger? She must have known what she was doing by the end of it. Yeah, I think it was just like, let's just get this over with. Yeah, I want to retract my serum.

I think it's really, really funny. I think it's freeing. It's liberating. It's liberating. Yeah. I'm kind of on your wave now. I've gotten over whatever fear it is to poop when someone's at my house. that's great so i'm glad that i'm having blowouts left and right yeah are you like you throw up

around her too and you like shit your fucking brains out in front of her um i haven't sharted around her yet but i'm hoping i think that's like a six month that is yeah that's like that's like okay this is serious like when you shart right in front of your girlfriend you like do it on it's like a proposal almost it's like a crap your pants you know people used to do like commitment rings yeah that's like the new commitment ring yeah you look that you look into their soul and you shit your pants that's i mean that's just there's love is beautiful yeah love is beautiful um i love love uh i had a dream you're my dream last night nice speaking of sharding kind of uh i don't know what this dream was but i woke up and i was like why was i dreaming about that so much uh i it was

you were uh fucking taking my underwear every day and i was like okay with it like you were you were coming into my like i guess we lived together you were driving over in the mornings and like i think one day you asked like hey can i borrow a pair of underwear and i was like sure and then i i guess you got like carried away with it because the in the dream it was like you came and took underwear and then i got up and went to put on underwear and you had taken the last pair and i was like you got to be fucking kidding me and then we were getting in a fight about it and i was like i said you could take underwear once and i was fine with it but you went too far you can't take the last pair it's like give me that honestly worries me that that is like a commentary on

our relationship now like give me an inch i'd take a mile yeah i don't know what that would possibly apply to maybe you think i'm like taking advantage of you i've been begging you to take advantage of me right but you say you have a girlfriend i don't know god i hate i hate that i'm just doing like a little what do you think that means i bet someone can you give a second freudian analysis that he keeps taking your underwear yeah what does that mean well why would that be freud he he's all about dreams really i thought he was all about i think he was all about sleeping with his mom look up you y'all y'all y'all love y'all love speaking ill on my name oh i guess you're right it's literally all yeah what do you learn what do you think

what do you think that could mean that will that will is dreaming about me taking too many underwear i think he's nervous i think he's nervous about the trajectory of your guys's relationship like something bad is coming oh my god that's scary what does that mean i don't know exactly like a bomb hopefully not a bomb or like a torpedo like something like huge is coming like a sniper i don't know like a bazooka a sniper would you guys ever go to a um mall sure that no a uh yeah i could go wait not a worst worst hypothetical ever would you guys ever go to a mall yeah i'd go go check it out sorry what did you say i would probably wait a medium is when you speak to dead people right not that what's the one where they just like read your palms and shit

a psychic a small yeah yeah i almost went to a psychic but then i didn't what have you guys been to a psychic yeah no but just for actually i did it at the company christmas party last year and i'm convinced oh the tarot cards yeah but i'm like convinced this lady i mean if she was good at her job she would like i think she just went on our website like i we have like profiles on like the company website or at least she was like i sense that you are a comedian and writer like it like you went to boston you want to grow your podcast and i was like and then i was like wait a minute i had a similar thought but i thought kenward hired her to like boost morale okay because they were like i see like big growth in your future like you're doing you must start

working on sundays something good will happen if you start working more why do you do not need your paychecks relinquish that uh we were so we're in the middle of fire right now kind of not where we are but like california is going through this and when it first started it was spreading really it is very close to here it is very close but it was my my roommate was very very worried about it because his mom is very worried about it she's being very motherly and she kind of got in his head and uh and we have a christmas tree in our living room and he was like we he was sitting there we're watching basketball on the couch and he was like clearly just like stressing out i was like what's up he's like i think we gotta get rid of the

christmas tree and i was like why he's like it's so it's too flammable he's like that thing it's gonna go i was like dude if the fire is in if the fire is in the living room like the last thing we need to worry about is like kindling for it like like all bets are off if the christmas if the christmas tree is close enough to like catch we have much bigger issues than the christmas tree yeah i think i think you i think you were in the right i think you had the right line of thinking there i i maybe he's just the grinch yeah he's like we gotta get rid of you gotta go you gotta to go steal the neighbor's presence yeah trying to lay low but he the undercover grinch he's looking down into like a town like off our balcony we're like where did that even come from it's like

i gotta go take all their presents yeah hoomstville this uh this fire is really just taking a toll on me it's just it's everyone is really stressed out it's making me really stressed out and like i guess i don't have the my approach to it has been like i think it's so awful what has happened to these people and these people have lost their houses and their lives and their businesses and stuff but like i don't know what to do personally about like my girlfriend is like are your keys and shoes by the door like as if i'm gonna need to like run out of the thing and she like doesn't think i'm stressed out were you in an evacuation zone yeah but it was like it was it like wasn't anywhere like near us whatever she'd make me like stay at her house and um she doesn't think i'm

stressed out enough about it and i just don't think that would do anyone any good if i was like panicking about it yeah well i'm sorry that you had to deal with that this must this has probably been a tough one that's not what i meant that's not what i meant i just know i feel like our efforts should be focused on like the people that it's affected yeah i don't think i need to be worrying about like my stuff right now i mean i think you i think your house is pretty fucking close to it it's currently in an evacuation zone yeah like i don't i think i think but i i think you're being naive about it it's never been clearer in redwood for me at least i i blew my nose yesterday a bunch of black stuff came out so i think it's like i think it's like soot

i have such a hairy nose that i think it's like filtering the air it's like i like biting around there's like fucking ash getting in my eyes and stuff i think that you're being uh i think that you you're so far have been right that it hasn't affected you but i think that you're being a little naive i think it could have been really bad for you but thank god it wasn't thank god it wasn't we have a new bleep sound will and i convinced lauren to change the bleep sound oh yeah should we use it out real quick yeah titties bitch that's way too many i'm gonna leave his end yeah leave his end leave his end sorry um um oh my god wait sorry what were you gonna say no you go did you you know my friend

peter lauren so he did you hear that like contest that i told you that contest he won i guess he like saved um i can't remember so in the fire he like saved someone something to do with mcdonald's and they like rewarded him like a like a like an employee i'm not i'm not phrasing right no it wasn't like he wasn't it wasn't like that heroic does he live he doesn't he was he's here visiting his parents and so he i guess like kind of saved someone from the fire i know it sounds like i'm joking and they like gave him this like what are you looking at i don't know they gave him this like reward where he can like eat burgers there for free now and he took this is not funny but he took like advantage of it and he ate this is awful he ate like a bunch of them

in like one day which is like not what you're supposed to do got really sick he did it again the next day and this weekend uh this was last week okay like right when it started why did he need to eat a bunch in a day he's just like not very smart and he like took advantage got like unlimited he got unlimited burgers and he ate so many that he had a stroke and the left side of his face like went like numb from like how many burgers he ate this didn't happen i swear to god peter ate so many burgers this isn't your friend peter yes it is peter ate so many burgers that he had a stroke in the left side of his body like went limp isn't that awful real why are you cracking up because it's like hilarious he ate so many burgers that his body went

he had a stroke he had a mixed stroke is that insane yeah that's not what i don't get what's so funny about that i think they wrote a story on it this is not google peter peter from a family guy so many burgers i knew exactly where that was going fuck i ruined it it wasn't believable that it all happened this i know i should have i didn't know you were gonna make it about them i didn't well actually that's how the story went is he saved the he saved the owner of the burger shop from a fire you should have done it like i know i also know the third names now who the family guy people oh who are they all right you still got family guy peter lois brian

she's like a quizlet she's like i'm never letting this happen uh i don't know you got family guide what was someone i think it was like a tweet but scott said the other day it made me laugh i was like i don't i don't watch the cleveland show i sit my ass down and listen what else is going on willie um man you went to laguna for the first time oh yeah i went to laguna on saturday laguna beach how was that um it was fucking fantastic got up early drove down um yeah went to farmer's market we had a dog for the day whose dog was that naomi uh it's like my friends are the dog was named naomi yeah it's a hot name for a dog yeah it was a hot dog

hot dog uh the dog it was like my friends are like dog sitting but it's like a new puppy and like untrained and like she was literally off the rails we'll put the video right here will took it to the beach and i think you said it's her first time at the beach and she's going fucking nuts she went ballistic dude she was like digging holes left and right just go like spraying me with saying but i kind of just i spent a lot of time walking around and i kind of i i'm getting i've never been a dog guy really but you get it i think i get it starting to get it yeah i need one just can't get one yet yeah i we were talking about maybe getting doing like a timeshare but i don't know if that's ethical a timeshare not a timeshare but like there's like three of us like three

different households all in venice that like or west side that like want a dog we're like i don't is that unethical yeah i genuinely don't know the dog would get i think so like it would split time between three houses yeah that would be that would i think that would fry the dog's brain because it would be so confused like whose dog it is i guess yeah i don't know i genuinely have no idea i think if you're describing it as a time share we're too far from well yeah it's the same as fostering no but fostering is with the goal of finding it a permanent home yeah but isn't that what you guys would be doing i mean i think it's more like just like with travel like we could keep it when i'm there but then like when i'm gone like that there would be like a

fail safe in place for like the weekends that yeah i just at that point i would i worry that if you were splitting time with it someone would want to take it permanently but you'd all be attached and think it was your dog agreed i think that's kind of where we landed yeah uh so i don't think that's gonna happen but i do want a dog uh now i don't think i'm gonna get one but it was great it was a great day and went to the beach i saw crabs i saw like i think like a sea an enemy or something a sea an enemy or something it has a sea enemy you saw like somalian pirates yeah uh and it was just it was beautiful it was like it was like a beach day first ever taco bell i went to it was in laguna that's unreal and then i went back to say the

best stuff so then i went back to my grandparents house and had a your grandparents live in laguna they live in dana point but i had a i had a grade a blowout oh yeah i was yelping you ever poop so hard you have to like lift yourself off the seat with your hands because you don't want to be attached to it anymore yes yep it's like sticking to your butt no no like it's like burns so bad there was one time i had to this is so gross but like it hurt so bad that i had to like clean it off so i could walk around because i like was in so much pain oh i was like How? How?

All right, bleep that. No, replace that with the thing you said earlier. You're making it sound like it has something bad. No, we're going to put it in there. No, bleep everything. No. And then I'm just going to take out the story. Oh, no, no.

I'm saying bleep the. Oh, whoa. We'll definitely bleep that. Definitely bleep that. All right, anyway. Lagrino was gross. Great. And we watched the Chargers.

They lost. So, that was my playoff team. Why were they playing in Laguna? The Fires? The Chargers? Did they play in San Diego? No, we watched on TV. What?

They were playing in Houston. It's like, what stadium in Laguna would support that? Will and I had a suite ready to go for the Hornets-Clippers game. Oh, yeah, we were supposed to be going to the Hornets. And then the Fires canceled it. Will... Oh, here's something. Shorty gave me dome, but I wasn't really into it.

Make my dick harden like I'm going to bring LA a chip. Did you come up with that? Yeah. Just now? Nope. Cool. Long time ago. Long time ago.

There's more to it, I think. Whipping a Honda Civic with a Jewish dude. His name is Christian. No, it has to be Jewish. No, you were the one that made me switch it to Jewish dude. No, but now I... Whipping a Honda Civic with a Jewish bitch. Her name is Christian.

Wow. You said bitch? Jewish chick. Her name is Christian. Whoa. That's lame. what it's very quiet in here so i know i'm trying because there's like none of the sports guys are here no one's playing no one's playing full court basketball stickball shawty get me done but i

wasn't really into it make my dick harden like i'm gonna bring a layer chip hit the same girl like an eskimo we inuit i don't get the la chip one um james harden so she made my dick harden like i'm gonna bring la a chip like a championship like james harden's gonna bring i was we were walking to starbucks yesterday pardon and there was pardon my rap about harden i'm sorry i gave it my all i'm like a regular chris paul i'm back i like it i'm sorry that i'm missing but i'm just like blake griffin you could say see ya but i'm jumping over kia's okay i like that i'm getting out of a funk i'm winning all the slam dunks stop i'm like a young doc rivers what i want a little little sliver of a piece of that cake all right all right

what um i want you to be my boo like i'm tyron lew you step over me and i'll step on to you oh i get it you're you're weaving a lot of like i call it the weave see i tell a lot of different things how come together called the weave i profile i accidentally profiled a construction worker yesterday non-racially he was white and i thought he was i thought no i thought he was homeless and i thought he was i thought he was saying i thought he was using slang at me but he was using construction terms on the phone but i couldn't see his phone so we were walking through the alley to get to starbucks and the construction worker was on the phone and he was clearly using construction slang but in the moment it sounded he got he we were walking through and he goes y'all

got any mud but i thought he was talking to me but i think he was talking to like his foreman and mud is slang for like concrete okay yeah and he was like y'all got any mud and i was like i No, I don't have anything. I don't have any mud. And then he turned around. I was like, what? What if you're like, oh, yeah, I'll just take it. Just take it.

You pull out like a bunch of mud from your pocket. Just leave me alone, man. I have a family. Take my mud. Take my mud, man. All right, should we get? Save your mud for another guy. Can I pee and then we can get on the road, Matt?

Yeah, sure. All right. So I want to talk about a little bit how my morning routine has started to change because I used to start off with like a bunch of coffee and I feel like that can just be maybe not the best way to get going. You get a little anxious, jittery. That's why I'm very excited to have discovered Mudwater. They actually have a store down the street and they sent us some, put a little scoop in some water, mix it up, make myself a little morning drink. It's got like functional mushrooms, all the rage these days. You know what the kids are doing them. they are especially these california cats i feel like people are into this this kind of stuff i

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We should do something to her when we get back. Let's say... New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range. infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins like Coffee Plus B12 to help support immune function and Coffee Plus B6 to keep your day moving.

Or go with the flow and choose Ginseng Delight, our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. So Xi Jinping wants to go on. It's not Xi Jinping. He's a Chinese gold medalist.

I forgot to tell you guys. I found a guy to paint the painting of my bedroom for my bedroom. Oh. A playmate. Many playmates reached out. I appreciate everyone that did. But I got really excited and I started texting with the first guy. Someone did it in the first 15 minutes.

Yeah. And we've been talking about it. It's going to be massive. You verify his work at all? I don't think he's a painter. Good. Good. but he he's just like clearly ai he seems he seems really confident that he can do it

and i respect i respect that uh that drive it's going to be a painting of my bedroom for my bedroom in the painting my bedroom my bedroom's gonna paint it um and he seems to have a very clear vision i've sent him some reference photos and i'm very excited about it that's cool i would like to maybe then you do a painting of him of his bedroom of his body painting his body you should paint my body um what if he tries to break in your apartment now that he knows what your room looks like well i don't think that gives him my speaking of giving out addresses we someone mailed uh us a christmas card i saw that oh yeah what was the name again we didn't get it for a while i don't know i forget but very very nice we very very much appreciated that it was

to go to clubhouse it was sent to our old old office like two offices ago so we just got it so how did they even how did she even find that i think it's online so i wanted to give them our can we we can give them our address right of this yeah yeah so that they can send us yeah and you can send us packages we'll open them on the pod or please we should honestly probably get a po box but i feel like the playmates are intimate enough right now that i don't give a shit yeah our Our address is 11. No, that's my address. 149 Bay Street, right?

149. Is it 149 or 139? It's 149 or 147. No, it's 149 Bay Street. Okay, 149 Bay Street, Santa Monica, California. It's the old World Surf League office. I think if you Google it, it still says that it's World Surf League. Yeah, 149 Bay Street.

Send us a card or a package and don't put any anthrax in there, please. we beg you because we have that's why we have Lauren our first podcast producer got anthraxed yeah

Mikey right what was his name Mikey I forget he was almost unrecognizable I hated that guy

he was the fucking worst you know what I didn't like about him is that he was green I don't get it was that Billy he was talking about Wicked

it's funny that you saw it right it's like well no spoilers for lauren lauren had a lauren had a will sent lauren into a tailspin by by not even telling her just saying that people are allowed to do that just give spoilers i think we already have 30 year old story but yeah um no but oh no you can tell her i was just gonna say that it was fun you haven't seen it right no but billy had a good observation that they're like she's green and then their teacher is literally a goat um oh lauren uh we got a very exciting prospect for a guest oh yeah uh xi jinping dm'd will and i and wants to come on uh

next month i think i don't know if season's over like what is the name xi jinping he's a uh chinese He's, I think he won a gold medal. Yeah. For swimming. Yeah. The 400 free. That's sweet. Yeah, but he wants to come on.

We're big fans, obviously. He's like big on social media too. You've never seen Xi Jinping? No. Really? Yeah, he- He does like swimming content. He honestly has like a pretty big like movement behind him.

Like, you know how they're like, yeah, he's super popular. No, it sounds awesome. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how like that like rugby girl is like big for the US? you know like alona mar she was on dancing with the stars she has like 10 million followers no idea who that is yeah how many followers does xi jinping have like i want to say like three or four billion yeah it's like however many people are in china or were at the time but it's weird because it's almost like like china's weird in that sense where it almost felt like you had to

be a fan of his this is not he's not real google it what are you talking about okay how do you spell his name x i this is like a place shijin ping it's not a place it's a guy who wants to come on our podcast yeah shijin ping look him up i don't know how to spell this it's literally right he's the president you got shijin ping get pinged you got shijin ping get ping my mom my mom's trying to call me answer answer answer yeah yeah okay hello hi hi mom we're recording the podcast right now oh you're working in your office oh that's good news no wait no wait no mom we're recording right now say hi to everyone oh hi everyone how are you good how are you that's that's will will and rusty we're we're lovely staying safe over here mrs mrs hoagland is my

voice gonna show up on the pod yeah you're famous mrs hoagland can you tell us an embarrassing story about lauren's childhood what's that could you tell us something embarrassing from lauren's childhood i don't have enough time for that that's okay fair enough you're popular or you don't have enough time for that yeah okay well i'll call you back later okay goodbye bye am i out playmate yes all right love you bye tags up she didn't say she loves you how was

that she rocked that she didn't she doesn't even love me I can't believe you Lauren got pinged all right should we do the roadmap guys we have a lovely episode for you today we are

gonna hear your pitches followed by our pitches and then we are gonna do everyone's favorite segment teach me something everyone's on their phone no one said it with me cool oh I'm sorry

I'm going on my phone for the road map and then we are gonna do this guy rocks me something and then we are gonna do this guy rocks this guy rocks this guy rocks today and then we are gonna do am I the asshole Lauren has a couple

and then we are going to do Will and I's way too early golden globe predictions for 2026 and then Will and I are going to do weird Al Yankovic songs that don't exist

Will's having a mixed stroke over there and then we are going to probably just hang out for another hour and a half after that it got all over me you know what I watched on Saturday night

have you guys seen The Substance no it's new right the most disturbing movie I've ever watched in my life it was disgusting actually disgusting what's it about i don't even know how to explain it well it's like horror sci-fi so demi more is this woman who was like a huge she's very famous in her prime and she was young and then no she's a milf she's hot but in the show isn't it demi more no i believe it's demi more i don't think so google it i'm i've i've heard it demi more okay demi more person person uh pronunciation i really don't think it's pronounced basically

basically she takes this dummy more demi more bang wood demi more interesting okay she yeah she takes this injects herself with this thing called the substance and margaret qualey like crawls out of her like she comes out of her hot uh i'd pay to watch no but morgan golden buzzer no she's so sorry she's just so hot like for that margaret quigley she's on everything i just haven't part of her does she crawl out of her back they cut like a huge incision on her it's not less hot it's really gnarly wait but she's beautiful in it both of them why does she do that because the like label that she's under her uh like the ceo whatever who's dennis quaid i think he's like that's a

weirdo uh basically her time has passed she's trying to he's trying to find like a younger hotter cooler version of like what demi like used to be what did dennis quaid do wrong uh he's no it doesn't matter sounds like it matters well she's like i get i i think it's just yeah yeah what did he do no no it's just like political stuff but i don't there's no need to dig it up what he like voted for mint romney he voted for mint romney and that's why i stopped i loved mint romney the one that got away i'll say it mint romney my dad had a mitt sticker on his truck for like years after like he did not take it well he was bummed about it now when i hear mint that doesn't sound right and i feel like it should be mint mint romney a mint romney

for the lady uh i will have a roy rogers and for the lady a mint romney perhaps a mint romney sorry all right continue about the substance no that's kind of it very if you want to watch it just trigger warning because it was disgusting but that's all i'll say um all right should we get into pitches yeah yeah you guys like my socks yeah they're very cute my mom got them for me My mom's moving out here in a couple days Oh my gosh Now she comes during the winter Maine gets a little cold

Are you happy? Very very excited You guys want to go to dinner? I would love to My mom's coming in two weeks I'll text you about it and then we can go a week later Alright Boiling

Wait You don't have to be really specific Like what area of L.A.? Hermosa. Oh, nice. That's fun. What address? I don't know.

Okay. I'll find it. My parents are coming to me. Will has a crush on my mom. She's a gorge. Who doesn't? She's a gorgean. Like most people.

All right. Y'all ready? First pitch. Oh, oh, oh. Before I forget, somebody wanted me to show you this, Will. It's going to be like a huge hog. It's going to make that naked guy on the bed. what do you think that guy's up to i think he died he died like five years ago well how do you

know that what are you talking about it was breaking news giant guy with the huge hog on the bed where you'd be like it'd be like san francisco's on fire and then you'd click on the link and it was like he died like oh yeah he died he died he died how'd you guys know that was big news that's what i'm saying i'm sorry what was his name i don't know edward all right this is what someone wanted me to show you dude i've gotten tagged in this saying it looks like my dad that guy yeah he thinks that looks like you that's weird because i've also gotten tagged and then he needed to see your thoughts so it's like uh i don't see it maybe like the the he's handsome i'll take it yeah that's all i just want to hear your opinion i think russie looks like the

mom and what am i like the baby or something yeah like the freaking baby or is the shirt I'm the Sherpa I want to be a Sherpa when I grow up Alright, pitches First pitch is from Sarah Parsons She says Hey Lauren and her little fellas

I have got a pitch for you Hi Sarah What is the worst part about winter? Dry Dry skin Wait, wait, wait, it gets dark early Those are good but She said

having to carry around your bulky winter attire indoors. There is nothing worse than freezing, walking to class in negative 25 and then sweating your ass off and carrying around 10 pounds of winter gear once you are inside. That is why I propose the Jacket Buddy. The Jacket Buddy is a small coat rack

robot that is programmed to follow you around and hold your winter clothes as you navigate indoors. It's great for university malls and clubs. It even has heating so your clothes get nice and warm before you have to go outside. No more insane sweating or arm strain with the jacket buddy you can have a liberated winter lots of pod so excited for the new monday eps love that love that you're excited love everything about sarah parsons uh yeah i

agree i i think will and i both grew up in and learned grew up in places where you needed a big big puffer and then you get inside sometimes i would just not bring the coat i'd just talk i'd be cold outside because i was like i don't want to carry this around now your backpack's the size of fucking mars love it need it i think my concern with this is sort of uh with anything that's like a robot that's roughly human size people are gonna try to fuck it right so if there's some way to make it like fuck proof or something i just i just feel like your mind is dirty not not everyone thinks that no now that i mean think about you have to be realistic about humanity people are gonna try to fuck it i will i'm kind of on will's side that just even the thought about like a

floating because everyone knows the torso is my favorite part of the body and if it's just a coat floating around i'm gonna i'm probably gonna try and fuck it people are gonna try to fuck it see he's admitting he would try to fuck it i wouldn't try to fuck it i'm not how do we make it how do we make it fuck proof that's what i'm saying i think you have to cover it in needles or or make it like poison ivy if you touch you get poison ivy hear me out will there we know we lean into it we put like there is like a fleshlight type thing on it but if someone if you have someone tries to fuck it it there's like two like guillotines on the inside he goes sorry we're sex freaks my buttons uh sarah i love it i think you do need to love sarah dm us back

and tell us how you would make it fuck-proof. And then don't DM us anything about fuck-proof. We're going to hold the count shut down. Last time someone DMed me about something being fuck-proof, I shut my whole count down. I know. All right, Sarah, that was wonderful. Will, how do you maintain your fuck-proof status?

Leave me the fuck alone, man. I'm trying. All right, keep going. You've been getting laid a little, Will? So many times. so many women are wanting me they're wanting me they're grabbing me grabbing me pulling my taffy needing my taffy all right go keep going all right um next pitch is this okay if i sit like this yeah why would that i'm still like in frame and everything i didn't know if i was like high up

now or something no you're good cool sorry was that rude no you just said it like it was a crazy quest i know i i didn't yeah i think i'm like projecting i'm just on the way to projectile vomiting imagine she like poops and crud like like she like vomited all over her shirt i'm only human all right kevin rogers k rod hey lauren and co love the pod here's my pitch what's the worst part of being out and about in public uh running into running into people you don't want to talk to um not being able to like like i like to have my hand in my pants but like i have to not do that in public no tv all right enough screens yeah he says you can miss a chance encounter with a celebrity if you're not paying attention yesterday after a long day of binging playdate

and pretending to be busy whenever my boss walked by i almost crashed my car because i thought i saw nba star cole anthony it wasn't him but it led me to invent star cam 360 star cam 360 is a pair of glasses you can wear that use facial recognition technology to let you know if you have a chance to see a celeb in the wild letting you focus on other things like not driving your car off a bridge it could also give you an approachability rating for each celebrity so you know what you're in for like if you see a celebrity like chapel roan who has a reputation for keeping to themselves it could warn you to leave them alone but if it sees a man of the people like will den ellen or rusty featherstone it could let you know that there and it got cut off so i don't know what the rest was

i think that this would absolutely ruin celebrities lives but i love it i just i have always thought about how many people i've missed when i'm just walking around with my head down yeah we live in a place where they're walking around like i almost didn't see andre 3000 the other day but i did see You didn't see Andre 3000. I was listening to Miss Jackson and he walked by. It's one of the coolest things that's ever happened to me. The day after I told you that I saw him. It's not true.

You saw a black guy and decided it was Andre 3000. It was not just any black guy. He might as well have been singing Hey Ya. What are the odds that the day after I see him and you're listening to his song? No, you didn't see Andre 3000. Honestly, the odds are really good because it means he's in the area. He lives here. That's what I'm saying.

Why that day? The day I tell you that he lives here. The day you find out he lives here and I listen to his song. I was listening to Mr. Jackson. There's no way you saw Andre 3000. I saw him and he was. You didn't see Andre 3000. I saw Andre 3000.

I saw Andre 3000. Why don't we just ask him? Ask Andre 3000? Yeah, like if who he saw, if who he remembers. If he saw him? Yeah. He's like, oh yeah, I saw Rusty. Fuck you.

You didn't see him. You probably saw freaking big boy. I saw, nope. I saw Andre 3000 and I was listening to Mr. Jackson and it was, he was jaywalking and he was wearing a blue hat and glasses and it was the coolest thing i've ever seen you're fucking lying oh i saw him he wouldn't jaywalk he's a good guy i saw him i saw him do it he didn't see all right what is the worst part about finding a tiktok a song in tiktok that you really like that it's on that you found it on tiktok and then it it feels like cringe to listen to because it's

the tiktok song um probably it's not out yet it's gonna get overplayed a bunch uh you a lot of times it doesn't tell you what song it is you just hear like a sound to a cool edit and now i have to go like do some detective work to figure it out i think spotify should or i think uh tiktok should implement a feature that just says open in spotify so it recognizes what song is playing takes you straight to it you can jam out to it add it to all your playlists i'm stretching uh i think that'd be awesome i love that i think that makes a lot of sense that being said is tiktok gonna even exist anymore this happens every couple years i i don't think it's a problem well this one's real if it doesn't get if there's not like an injunction by the supreme court on i think

on february 19th it's gone i want them to ban it why it's like 50 of our livelihood yeah that's our biggest following you didn't think about that did you no i just don't i really think it would be bad for us we got banned i don't think you should want it to go away yeah i don't want it to go away there'd be a new thing come someone would just make a new app lemonade yeah what is that i keep getting people being like wants to blah blah wants to follow you and lemonade what is that it's like tiktok it's like a they're trying to like create a new app that to take over for when tiktok should we get on that i only want it to be banned because i don't want to be addicted to it anymore but i just get addicted to reels and shorts wait we should get on to

lemonade and start posting everything now to get ahead of it i don't think it'll get banned i don't think they would let it because there would be also a riot in the streets like the whole login for lemonade i think is like it imports all your like followers and stuff oh nice i think we'd be fine love it but i think that if it gets i don't think i think it will i hope it won't get banned i don't think it will i think trunk might step in yeah that brother loves tiktok it's like part of the reason he won yeah he i think he said he likes the um videos where it's like uh there's like a spinning thing and then there's like a ball that like hits different rings it's my favorite thing i love those i love how it like it it gets more complicated each week like i just saw a new

one where it's never ending like it like shrinks in on itself so any progress it makes and i'll be sitting there and it'll be some like joe rogan clip but i'm watching the yeah like i have the i'm not even listening yeah other thing uh all right will you pitch me brother oh sorry i wrote it down um so that i wouldn't forget okay all right here we go i got two i got two because the first one i think i might have done it's the dish drawer i don't understand why you have to load the dishwasher and then unload it into your drawers why not just have drawers that you can just flick a switch and it washes everything in the drawer i think you have you have done that but that's so awesome okay yeah well then i get rid of that one if i've already done it that's an

that's a clean start for me now for a fresh start on my pitching uh cube fridge uh one thing about like you ever gonna like have something that like it ends up getting gross and stinky in the back of your fridge or like you forget about and you don't eat because you forgot because it was behind something or like your roommate and you are trying to find make room in the fridge and yours is behind his thing yep cube fridge is a fridge that exists right in the middle of the kitchen and it's accessible from all four sides so that you don't have to worry about that and like you each roommate could just have a side of the fridge oh that's awesome and uh nothing ever goes bad because you don't forget about anything because you can access it i was thinking when you were saying

cube fridge it was going to be like a fridge that is oriented the same way as a rubik's cube so you could like swipe a row and it would rotate like a lazy susan no absolutely not okay i have another pitch oh lauren's pitching a thing remember when i said i too last week and then right and he like and then yeah you like cut me off and like i think he spat at you if i remember correctly we can run the clip but i feel he puts the clip right here i think i offered for you to the second one you said we were out of time no i think he spit it wait let's listen i also have two pitches today what that's awesome oh looks like i said you could do both yeah all right well so what is the worst part about being really bad at uno

i don't what the fuck does that even mean having like some sort of like learning disability okay all right not being able to do basic math in the moment what is terrible about playing about being bad at you know that you end up with you have like a giant bunch of cards yeah so this is the uno filing cabinet it's like a little box and you you like put your cards in automatically like cuts all the colors so it organizes them yeah it organizes them and if you're doing if you're doing really bad and then it gets to your turn every time and you're just like taking up everyone's time and it's just not great that's woated yeah i agree i love it what you just said it was woated no it's woated when that happens oh i was saying you meant my pitch

no your pitch is go to the situation that you're solving yeah yeah yeah i mean it doesn't happen to me though because i'm good you know but got it probably for like guys like you what's this guy is he do we know is this guy as ryan does he have one mike ryan this is ryan mike mike ryan's uh that's kevin king too behind you how we feeling about the new year rusty i'm glad you asked will when it's the new year a lot of people they're setting unrealistic goals striving for perfection one 2025 goal that's easy to hit updating your wardrobe with the perfect jean will and i love the perfect jean they fit like a glove they're comfy they look sharp you can wear them on dates you can wear them hanging around the

house you can wear them working out in the yard listen i don't know if your resolutions to gain weight to lose weight to gain muscle to lose muscle or just embrace the body you've got these jeans will be with you every step of the way they're stretchy enough to fit during cutting and bulking season sharp enough to wear to work for a date night or just comfy enough to wear around the house uh seriously this isn't just an ad this is the first step to crushing your new year goals the perfect gene has saved over 700 000 pairs of nuts jesus yeah that's almost as many as i have uh and their owners from stiff unforgiving denim and the numbers going up every single day for a limited time our listeners get 15 off their first order plus free shipping at the

perfect gene dot nyc or you can just google the perfect gene and use code playdate 15 for 15 off we were lucky enough to have them send us some genes and you know obviously i have a crazy athletic body with a killer ass people always say and i've got kind of that like you know soft supple body going on that yes they sort of intertwine perfectly right uh well the genes were perfect for me and for you which i think is a testament because you know i have that sort of chiseled athletic right big butt right and again i kind of have that you know like nice guy bod that a lot of people are going for these days so a lot of leeway in there amen uh guys it is finally time to stop crushing your balls and uncomfortable jeans by going to the perfect gene.nyc our

listeners get 15 off your first order plus free shipping free returns and free exchanges when you use code playdate 15 at checkout that's 15 off for new customers at the perfect gene.nyc with promo code playdate 15 after you purchase they'll ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them we sent you fuck your khakis and get the perfect jean should we do teach me something teach me something are you guys uh are you guys familiar with charles king charles the sixth king charles the sixth of france sounds like a good time nope king charles the sixth of france i think is the funniest i mean it's a sad story i think he probably had some sort of schizophrenia

maybe before that was a diagnosable thing. Okay. But if you just look at it, don't think about it like that. Think about him just maybe as like a quirky guy. Mm-hmm.

Very, very funny man. He was convinced he was made of glass and that any, like any sudden movement around him or like if he fell, he was horrified

at the idea that he would shatter. He like genuinely believed that he would wear like padded clothes. sounds like a nightmare he banned people from doing any sudden movements around him so you had to be like like if you wanted to get up you couldn't you had to do it slowly um he he would have frequent episodes sometimes even forgetting that he was like us starting next week

he would have he would have frequent episodes and like think that he wasn't king and you would flee his own palace and roam the countryside like a peasant they'd have to go like fucking track him down like they'd like go into his quarters and he'd be missing and they'd be like damn it sounds like a riot go find him um there was one time he was running wildly through the forest and he saw his own knights and fucking sneak attacked them which is hilarious did it work yeah he got their ass oh this is my favorite part there was a ball happening him and his boys wanted to dress as like wild beasts and like fuck with the other people so they like put on these weird like wax outfits with like hair on them that were like super flammable and he was running around like fucking

with everyone he ran into one of the it sounds like not what you would do if you thought you were gonna shatter though because he these is like yeah he like there was no like rhyme or like some some days he was like i'm the most fragile man alive they think it was like because they ingrained in these like royals so early in life that like they're so much better than everyone that it was almost like a reflection of like i'm like fragile and need to be whatever but it like manifested in that way for him yeah but so him and his boys dressed up as like wild beasts he was like fucking bouncing around the party and he ran into one of the torchbearers and set himself on fire they all four of them got set on fire and uh the only reason he didn't burn

to death was his aunt like jumped on top of him and was wearing one of those giant skirts and smothered the flames with their skirts oh my god um but this guy just sounds like a fucking riot right it sounds like a hoot like we should get him on the pod i know i don't think we can probably he's dead the sixth king charles the sixth of france all right was that like i want to say like 1300s all right can you google that line let's see what this guy looked like i never looked it up he just looks exactly like me yeah he's known for 13 seconds spot on iconic episodes wow that's sad huh wait the thumbnail was just made of glass he killed his own servants okay well we're talking

about the fun stuff he did all everyone was doing that yeah no it was just normal he's a guy i mean he looks awesome yeah i do like him but apparently like because he was constantly doing this like obviously no one respected the monarchy there yeah there was a huge power vacuum because they he would be like missing for like days at a time they're like all right we can just swoop in there and fucking take it okay yeah he's the worst king apparently i mean they yeah you should not inbreed because that's what happens oh is that why surely that didn't help yeah uh all right willie teach me something uh have you ever heard of the 2001 movie finder's fee no nope written and directed by jeff probst i love jeff probst starring ryan reynolds and

james earl jones isn't that insane i love it tell me more i mean i i don't know anything about the movie i just thought the fact that jeff probes the host of survivor wrote and directed a feature film starring ryan reynolds is insane did it get good reviews no finders fee look it up i just i mean i was trying to i was i got curious the other day i was like why how did jeff probes get that job yeah well he's like a he's like a giant he just hired himself he's a giant hollywood producer no he isn't jeff probes yes he is that's how we got survivor he came up with survivor and made himself the host no he didn't mark burnett came up with survivor jeff ropes was heavily involved then no google i just read all about this google jeff probes job he was he was the

host of celebrity jeopardy or something and then like or not celebrity some rock and roll jeopardy and now he's a producer for survivor but that's not how he got the job i don't believe you look it up look at his wikipedia page well i know he didn't create it but he was definitely with the guy no he the guy created survivor and they were trying to cast it and he read about it and was really interested by it was it did he direct finder's feet after survivor had already been like no before that's what i'm saying oh well then he was just trying stuff out man i know it's awesome says he has stated that he had worked hard to get a meeting with the creator yeah because he believed the series

was something special yeah he did not he was not a big producer rusty wrong again rusty wrong bro's sources rusty wrong uh but anyway i just thought it's cool that he direct he also directed some other movie too i think kind of it is very cool um all right lauren here's my this guy rocks pause this the second you get it oh he was on how i met your mother like as himself actually look up jeff pro's two and a half men sorry can we do that real quick yeah you gotta see this When you're a mid-sized business, you need every competitive advantage you can get. Like an AI solution that works for you, not against you. SAP Grow is built with AI embedded at its core, working across every system.

And it's ready to go from day one, so you can hit the ground running. Bring it with SAP Grow. AI Cloud ERP for any size business. Yeah. This clip? just go to the photo just go to images oh what

yeah he flashed root he just flashed root man he is fucking jacked yeah his body is awesome that's awesome alright pull up this Lauren don't play it yet this guy rocks this guy rocks

this guy rocks today so we We live in a time where financial literacy is an important thing. You need to be well-versed on how to save your money, how to spend it. Budgeting is an important thing. And I found a guy who I think can help us out a little bit with budgeting. Let's see this guy's monthly recap. He's underemployed, in his own words, in New York City.

All right. i've been underemployed in new york city for exactly one month and here's how much i earned and spent broken out by category this month coaching tennis i made 880 dollars and from pickleball i made 1,005 dollars i made 67 dollars from my mystery shoppers and i collected 2,644 dollars from unemployment bringing my total earnings to fourth all right so his total monthly income with you know a little help from uncle sam is around forty six hundred dollars yeah seems seems doable uh he you know he has multiple revenue streams which is always a safe bet um and let's you know we could all survive off forty six hundred dollars a month let's see

let's see how he does it all right i want to be a mystery shopper yeah what does that mean $596. Now for the expenses, my rent this month was $2,625. I paid $806 for health and dental insurance. My TV and Wi-Fi was $185 and I spent

$81 on subscriptions like Hulu, Paramount Plus. My phone bill was $66. I spent $637 shopping, but that didn't include most of my Christmas gifts, so that should be lower next month. I spent $665 dollars on food including bars restaurants and dates as well as 33 dollars on my entertainment

at the movie theater i spent 144 dollars on buses and trains to get across new york city i spent 375 dollars in my gym membership and 300 dollars in therapy i spent 148 dollars at grocery stores and pharmacies i spent 97 dollars on ubers and 167 dollars on uber eats all together that brought my monthly expenses to $6,200. This is stressing me out. I'm not a math guy. I mean, if someone did that for our expenses, I think we'd be also terrified, but...

I'm not a math guy. He makes $4,600 a month with most of it coming from the government, and he spent a whopping $6,300 on expenses. If my math is correct, that puts him in the red a little bit. Let's see if he has any thoughts on it. I mean, okay, if he's on unemployment, that means he just lost his job,

so he must have been making enough that he has saved. But $400 for a gym membership? Yeah, like, he's got to cancel some of those... well memberships can't subscription you know it's hard to change your lifestyle lauren and i think i mean i he doesn't seem worried about like he could be fine he could have a lot of money saved right and he just happens to have lost his job like a month ago right i'm just glad you know we're putting responsible people on unemployment i'm glad he you know has a good understanding of of how to make that work and i'm he made 67 as a mystery shopper so what does that mean

i think he means he does like instacart but that to me feels like what's a waste of what a mystery shopper is he did what one instacart go google mystery shopper oh what secret shopper oh it is literally the like sketch that elise did that was so fucking where he like goes into places undercover oh to test their i want to customer service well i think he's doing it right you know i think he is i want to know what gym like does his gym have like fucking they like roll you to your next equipment or do they like must give you a kiss on the way out or something i don't know what equinox isn't that much it's a it's i think what you need to realize well is he's making a solid investment in his health it's true and you know as a as a part-time pickleball and tennis

coach you need to be in pretty good shape so he's got him he must have a nasty forehand it's it is an investment in his forehand and i think it's really going to pay dividends down the road i'm excited to see his progress all right the comments were were not happy with him this made me so mad yeah i don't yeah i don't they better they better lift the weight for me yeah i need to get i've been trying to i need a budget better i mean if someone did that for for your spending it would be outrageous but it wouldn't be negative you're not losing money right yeah you're allowed to do whatever you want you're allowed to do whatever you want with your

money i think when you're if you're on unemployment you should not be doing that yeah yeah i mean i don't know you gotta make you gotta make some effort to get back on your feet i think yeah yeah i mean i i feel like unemployment can mean a lot of things who knows what twenty six hundred dollars that's like a that's like yeah that means he had like a really good job that he just lost right i don't know maybe i i don't get it maybe i'm being insensitive but if no no i'm not saying i'm just saying like yeah if he has i don't know yeah it's whack for sure all right let's see who your guy is that rocks really i sent it to you yeah exactly that was it yeah like the what you get in unemployment is based on what you

were making before so like he must have been making a lot so he probably has a lot saved so he's a lot he's able to take a loss while he's i guess just i wouldn't post it that is the great agree that i agree with yeah what was that noise but i think if you're eligible for unemployment i don't think you should feel like bad about taking it wait that literally sounded sounded like a bird flapping its wings what was that i was a yeah well you just had a bird flapping when i pull the bird out what was that noise you can play we'll play the clip right here I threw a bird in the air. It was flapping its wing.

No, this is sipping a water ball. Let's see who rocks. This is Unbothered Kev. I didn't do this one already, did I? No. No. I like his pants. This is Unbothered Kev.

I think he's like a drug addict or something. What? I think this guy's like a drug addict. this is what when you are home for christmas yeah and you're up in your bedroom and your dad and mom are like banging shit around in the kitchen like slapping pots and pans around that's not where i thought that was going what could they possibly be doing down there i think that's that is a live look into what my dad is doing no that's like a that guy's like a i think a drug addict i think he's probably like a drug addict i'm pretty sure that guy's like a huge drug addict do you think

he's on like h and perk he's on perkinset yeah he rocks all right should we hear some am i the assholes yeah asshole what a day what a day am i should we do a song for it yeah am i the asshole find out if i'm the asshole that's good thank you am i the asshole if i don't go to my sister's courthouse wedding this morning i 26 female woke up to a really weird text from my sister 33 female sister can you take off march 6th me for what sister i'm getting married me dot dot dot ever since birth i've known my sister to be a serial dater almost every time i see her she has a new boyfriend she hasn't introduced me to anyone recently so seeing this text is quite a shock before new year she told me that she was dating a guy in a different

state but they just broke up so if she is getting married i'm 90 sure that it is probably going to be to a complete stranger either way i do not want to be part of it at all i just started school i've been working a lot i really don't want to support my sister's dumb decisions especially when i know that she hasn't known this dude for long at the end of the day i'm just scared of her getting hurt or used yeah i mean your your sister isn't saying unless unless unless this is a a hallmark romance there is absolutely no way that if it's at the courthouse that implies you're rushing it and yeah i agree yeah you should go because it's gonna be funny but you shouldn't support it you have to go because it's your sister getting married but you don't have to support it necessarily right

yeah i feel like you show up for family but it's still like you should go and wear white you should go and wear your own wedding dress you should go and wear the same thing as him yeah you should go and wear a tux what if he's i mean is he could you find out if he's like a millionaire yeah if he's rich you should lock that down and then divorce him yeah just make sure there's not a prenup yeah take all his money and run yeah yeah i feel like she would be kind of the asshole to not go yeah i think you have like at least pretend like you care or support her i don't know yeah i think that one's pretty cut and dry you should you should go but your sister's you could i think you should call right now and be like what are you doing yeah i think you can express concern about

it but i think ultimately she's going through with it you should be at your sister's wedding if my sister gets married i will be there if when i don't i don't know if she wants to chloram chloram clora day off in kyoto am i the asshole for implying that my mom was fat i was um did she need to hear it if she's like a real chunker i i started it i 19 female went on a hike with my mom 53 female while while hiking a girl who looked around 13 years old was running down the hill my mom has always been pretty unapologetic and uncaring to what others think of her to the point that she is borderline rude as the girl passed us my mom gave her a side eye and started giggling i asked her why she was laughing and she

said look at the size of her plotting down this hill my mom had been making snide comments throughout the holiday and by this time i was tired of it so without hesitation i rashly responded with not like you're much better my mom then ignore me for the rest of the trip i felt uncomfortable by my mom's comment because i've had issues with an eating disorder in the past i believe that making comments about a child's weight or anybody's is disgusting she should know better especially since she has raised two kids and my brother is the same age as the girl i'm wondering if i'm the asshole for saying that because it is never okay to fat shame anybody plus i feel undoubted to her considering my mom had a difficult pregnancy and has raised me my

whole life well that's unpacked well i think you can both be kind of packed a lot in obviously it's not like good that you said that but like the weirder thing is the mom saying that about a random 13 year old girl projecting because yeah i was gonna say you need to realize that The only reason she said that is because she knows that she's getting up there and wait, and she wants to deflect a little bit and put it out. I think it's insane to call it a kid fat unless they're, you know, unless they're, like, hilariously chubby. Yeah, unless they're, like, a big, like, tub of lard.

Yeah, you shouldn't. Unless they're, like, a real chunker. You've seen that Onion. No. The Onion News Network thing. Oh, my God. Can we play this clip? can you look up onion news network uh bully uh it's the one of the funniest

so yeah just like what do they call you at school like yeah yeah uh it's that top one fat kid is it oh yeah yeah yeah at the pool without the shirt on yeah the children make fun of you yeah yes that's usually get me fun of because before the show what kind of names were these kids calling you uh at the pool meathead fatso barbuck well the whale porky hog double wide butterball those sorts of things i've seen this yeah it's all fun double wide porky those sorts of things that's some of the best content ever we have a real fat kid will yeah how far like chubby never fat no yeah like you know you know when like a kid gets like really chubby really fast and like their nipples haven't caught up yet so like the nipples are like

inverted yeah yeah i always thought that was funny are you fat uh i was i was like a uh i was chubby for a little bit probably probably similar to will hmm i was a little meatball you've seen my like passport photo right i feel like maybe put a picture of it right here let me i'll we can pull it up right now it's it's pretty all time lauren were you ever chubby no cute uh i was low-key ripped when i was little i did gymnastic you don't know we were like i don't this is me sophomore year of college of college of high school sorry sorry but then i did gain like 50 pounds during covid as well 50 40 maybe 50 pounds is such a ridiculous amount i gained so much weight during covid jesus because i was just playing fortnite all night eating ice cream and

drinking beer ipas like every night yeah it's like what they do to cows and then i lost it all like wagyu beef oh my god that was me sophomore year of high school oh i was a little tub of lard you were a lard butt i was a little do you have a fat butt or just face nah my ass was fat yeah you ever see a guy like really filling out a pair of khakis and you're like good lord yeah dude i fucking yeah i'm not when i see it am i right grumble all right should we get into our drafts i'm excited we have some fun ones oh yeah wait did you say what they were earlier oh yeah you did let's start with our weird owl songs yep these are weird owl songs i did something weird with my foot these are weird owl songs that don't

exist uh how to save your wife love it a play on how to save your life by the fray i i might have fleshed these out a little bit more than was necessary okay uh this is miso soup miso soup bet you're thinking me so soon just to start kick it off with some broth and tofu i know you love me so soon maybe with some rice maybe with some sake before the stir fry or we should do hibachi veggies on the side now you're getting cocky let's add rice let's add rice that was really good how long did you take on these i had a lot of fun that got me hungry um my next one is let it let me pee Like you're on a road trip

And it's like let me pee Let me pee Let me pee I like that a lot I will pee a fountain Let me pee Thank you I've got I'm banned on Yelp

I'm banned on Yelp I used 14 curse words in my review of Taco Bell I told the owner He should go in rotten fucking hell They burned my quesadilla And broke my taco shell I told those fuckers see ya And now I'm banned on Yelp

I like that a lot. Wow. That was unbanned on Yelp. Kind of making me feel like a dumbass. Well, no, I went above and beyond. I got excited about it. I want to do this every week for my new segment starting, moving forward, called Will's Parody Song. I love it. This one's a topical one. It's about a displaced dog

in the fire. Okay. We found Doug in a hopeless place. We found Doug in a hopeless place. I love it. It's about a dog named Doug. That's great. We found Doug. This is Bees, Bees, Bees. Bees, bees,

bees, just stung my eyes. Bees, bees, bees, I think I'm allergic. I may never regain my sight. Thanks. That's fantastic.

This is about during the women's rights movement when a lot of women wanted to become bakers but they wouldn't let them that was a man's profession it's oh girls just wanna make buns I like that a lot this is filling cavities

I'm through accepting tooth pain cause someone says it's so some teeth I cannot change but till I try I'll never know too long I've been afraid of losing teeth i guess i've lost well if that's teeth it comes at much too high a cost i'd like

to try to fill my cavities i need a guy to fill my cavities feel like it got a little sexual at the end there you need a guy to fill your cavities for my teeth did you hear all this stuff about tooth pain okay dude it took me a minute to realize what song you're doing we don't want to hear about guys filling your cavities all right man um i got i you know i i got also i learned a lot of spec for cynthia repo or whatever on that you're hitting those high notes that note was yeah i did not sound pretty um my i'm trying to decide which one i want to do do them all this one's about ordering a it's about ordering a pizza and um people keep people are taking slices too fast another one bites the crust another one bites the crust another one bites

the crust another one bites the crust i guess i don't i only know the intro i only got i only have the title of this last one try there with the mall clown it's like try them a small town but it's about a really badass clown at the local mall. Yeah, try that shit around a mall clown. Try that with a mall clown. See how that goes for you. Yeah, you're going to end up with a fucking horn up your ass. I have two bonus ones.

I need a guy to fill my cavities. My bonus ones, I haven't decided if this is about asking. It's like when you order a tequila soda and the bartender doesn't give you a lime and it's, ooh, just give me one more lime. I like that. Or this one's about like a classy A classy rodent It's called Uptown Skunk

You up Uptown Skunk you up I like that We weren't on the same page His were so much better than mine I just fleshed them out I spent like way more time than I I didn't know we were doing lyrics

I just was in bed last night having a ball I'm very proud of you Yours were so much better Both of you did great I liked yours too I didn't tell you that I was going to do that but look forward to will's parody hour next or segment i can't wait all right should we see up um what are you talking about your parody hour it got me thinking about what happened to rusty's

would you rather i wrote all i have right now is would you okay would you rather have no knees or no elbows like the joint doesn't exist in the elbows no elbows all right uh we'll try and drink this accelerator for me I'm scared no don't pour it on you pass yeah but imagine you can't damn it I still got it all over my paint

well how about was it my question actually really hard what did I ask you guys the other day oh hiccups for the rest of your life or no legs yeah I still absolutely no legs yeah i read my knee jerk was hiccups because i want to be able to walk around but i do think it would just ruin everything um all right you want to tee up our last draft way all right uh

these are way too early 2026 golden globe predictions who's gonna win who's gonna take home the globes i think glenn powell's gonna win uh for his role in twister but this time it's a horror movie about a game night where the game of Twister they get so tangled that they have to do horrible things to each other to get out. Saw legs off, eat each other. It's awful.

I think Timothee Chalamet is going to win for Toothache, the drama about a dentist who falls in love with a patient and keeps telling her she needs teeth removed so he can spend more time with her until he removes all of her teeth and then is no longer attracted to her. I love that one.

she just did the biggest yawn of all time um i think your friend who got a film can't who just bought it i think your friend who just bought a film camera is gonna win best picture for that picture he took of him blowing o's with his vape pen that's gonna be awesome yeah i think emma stone's gonna win for cgi love you a rom-com about an actress who falls in love who falls in love with her co-star a cgi water buffalo when the film wraps she must attempt to replicate that love with the voice actor convinced that it was never about the appearance hmm i like that a lot uh i think bob dylan is gonna win for his role as timothy chalamet in a biopic about tim i like that uh john krasinski i think he's gonna win for young jim a stunning portrayal of the childhood of

his character from the office in which krasinski filmed the entire series on his knees i like that uh i think chris pratt is gonna win for his role in jurassic universe the dinosaurs finally take the fight to the cosmos that's on the go and it's just a real riot whatever happened to chris pratt i feel he's been off the grid for a little just been doing jurassic world he's just been doing jurassic world after jurassic world it's like he's on like six right now uh ryan gosling's gonna win for setting snail a feel-good animated film about a brave snail that attempts to sail across Lake Shelperier, which is a three-foot puddle in

Yonge, Tom Transit's driveway. Bless you. Whoa. Maybe someone could burp and fart during my next one. We already got a yawn and a sneeze during my last two. It's just come to my attention that I have a very loud sneezer. Someone pointed it out this weekend.

Well, that was good. I think that Tom Cruise is going to win Best Supporting Actor in his new film mission possible where it's just him completing a checklist that his wife left for him while she's at work i like that a lot and he's not a scientologist in this one i can be dicey i can be dicey he's not one in this one he doesn't believe all those crazy things

and they didn't kill all those people we were oh we're my buddy texted me something about that it'd be funny like a guy uh like an nil deal with like a church so he's like you know after the games like like thank first i want to thank god like he's like first i want to thank zorp you sound like an NIDL deal with Scientology what is it? Zinu he doesn't even believe it it's just a brand new thing oh do you have another one?

Danny DeVito for Grunkle the story of a worn down old man who finds new life through his relationship with an AI robot named Grunkle things take a turn when Grunkle becomes pregnant with his child I tell you you build a robot they're gonna fuck it if you build it they will come

There's got to be some sort of a fail-safe. I thought Grunkle was going to be, like, he's a grandpa, but then he finds out that, like, one of his grandkids is his nephew, so he's, like, a Grunkle. No, no, no, no. It's not like that. Do you think we have any... It's not like...

Sorry. Do you think we have any Scientologist playmates? Yeah. And if you're listening, I believe you. I don't. I believe it. you're playing with fire right now I believe it

you're playing with fire by saying you don't believe it they're gonna come fucking kill you I don't think you're allowed to talk about Xenu until you reach level like 6 if Xenu was here right now I'd call him a bitch am I gonna get like murdered in my sleep there's levels

I used to live with a Scientologist I feel like I should cut that out I can keep that I think it's Apparently if they see a picture of Xenu Before they like find out about him Or something then they would like They're like supposed to like burst into flames

It's something ridiculous What's he look like? Google him Google Xenu I like how Lauren struggles with names usually But perfectly spelled Xenu In the blink of an eye And she can't do easy ones like Xi Jinping Yeah

Some sort of like overlord yeah honestly looks i'd like to have a beer with them or like i'd like to have a diet coke grong whatever they drink i'd like to have a gronk with him well are you just gonna keep being sober when february arrives that's the plan for now we'll see how were we annoying when everyone was drunk and you were sober no i had a great time on friday i did too and then i got up at like 8 a.m and felt awesome and went to yeah dude me and me were like extremely on the rise.

Oh, I did forget. She was, Lauren really embarrassed herself because of all the stuff you were saying while you were drinking. I had some anxiety after that night.

Really? Yeah, I thought I was, I, my lady had to talk me off. She was like, I was sitting next to you the whole time. You didn't say anything.

I just get worried that I am annoying when I'm drunk. Next, we have to go to a trampoline park or Holy Moly. Holy Moly was really fun.

If you haven't been to Holy Moly, You should check it out. All right. I'm through accepting limits. Whose personality are you going to steal, Laura? You go first. Really?

I'm going to Future Birds concert. What's that? Every week, man. Every week with you. You got a new band. You know Future Birds, dude. That's a band? I've never heard of them.

What are they saying? I would have hell to pay, baby, if I didn't have you. it's taking its time to show itself now but it's always been true i don't think i've heard it it's awesome um am i crazy every week he has a new band like a crazy name yeah they're coming to the troubadour they're like a georgia band and um so i'm gonna take uh i'm gonna take uh Kirby Smart's personality. Is that the guy? No, it's just the coach of Georgia football.

They're from Athens. They're an Athens band. I think I'm going to wear my Georgia jersey. Cosplay as a guy from Georgia. Are you going to wear your cowboy hat? Oh, maybe I should. Nah, it's not really country though. Probably not.

Have you seen that video of Will that Will refused to take his cowboy hat off at the TSA and the machine keeps going up? No, the guy told me not to take it off. Oh, yeah. Well, I saw the photo of you wearing it. I took the cowboy hat off and he said, no, go through with the hat. So I didn't refuse to take my cowboy hat off.

They're, like, making him take his belt off and, like, all the other stuff. I was like, I think it's the hat. Tiny piece of metal. It's, like, he's, like, it's clearly the hat. It's gasoline. That is interesting. Why would he have you keep it on? You're supposed to keep your hats on through security.

I'm like, there's a fucking metal band on it. Yeah. I don't know. They got, oh, they got, you know, rodeo. We turned our love into a rodeo. Okay, well. It's going to be awesome. any la friends i'll see you there we got a good crew going i got a whole squad going will peters

likes them not that will peters the other will peters who's the other will peters our friend our friend just a just another another thing that uh never got the call about you don't like future birds and you don't like concerts but you don't know that that's first of all i love concerts you told me you don't want to go to concerts if you don't know the band or something yeah that's true but you didn't even ask if i know future birds i just did right now okay well uh there's still tickets for you can go i don't i just wanted to be it's not a legendary venue i'm sorry he left you out um well i lauren do you lauren and i and my whole squad are going to uh rhino hair concert and i'm actually really excited they're awesome and uh you yeah you know

their song splorp where it's a song you've never heard and it's gonna be awesome and the other i'm bringing the other will peters that's sick and it's me lauren uh will peters and all the other rhino hair fans and we're and i was gonna invite you but you told me you don't like concerts where rhino hairs are there new from nespresso blend wellness into your coffee routine with the coffee plus range infused with functional benefits choose the coffee you love with added b vitamins like coffee plus b12 to help support immune function and coffee plus b6 to keep your day moving or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight our new double espresso with ginseng extract whatever lies ahead don't change your morning let your morning change you discover

coffee plus on espresso.com cool you guys have fun it sounds like a blast can i tell you a fun story about my last time i saw future birds sure yeah yeah i was in nashville and we had like the best time ever and everyone was there with me we had to shoot for work that i knew was gonna go late i didn't know if i was gonna make be able to make it this show so i was like if it ends in time i'll just this is here this is in nashville yeah and i was like i'll just if it ends in time i'll just go to the venue and catch the end of the concert i just really love the song tripping but they usually play it towards the end and it was like my number two song that year uh and shoot ended i uber to the venue and i went to buy ticket and go in and they're like oh my god we literally

just sold the last ticket like you can't come in the show had already started they were out of tickets and then the guy was like dude if you want to just wait here by the door like if someone comes up you like i don't if you want to ask the people coming in if they have an extra ticket that's fine with me i don't care and so i was just standing there asking everyone that comes in like do you have an extra day do you have an extra day for like 30 minutes at this point there's only like four songs left in the whole show and uh he's like you know what clearly this means a lot to me like i just go in just don't say anything just go in and just wave me in the moment i get in my song starts and i got to see it for free that's awesome i left it was fucking

perfect i do think i think you the bands that you like you are very very passionate about that the guy was probably like jesus i've never seen a future birds fan like this yeah i mean he i was just out there for so long yeah and then when we were in georgia for work they were playing it just like a frat house i think they just play a lot of smaller shows in athens and stuff which is cool lauren what uh what song are you most excited for at our rhino hair concert oh um probably uh the dirty what is it like dirty dance oh yeah the dirty dance the dirty dance that's who they do the dirty dance the dirty dance the dirty dance it's so stinky and smelly do the dirty dance dirty dance and then we all we all meet up in the middle and no one showers

for like weeks in advance we just like grind our grime from one body to another. So much crowd serving. It's like that game where you like kiss the card and you like move the card from one person's face

but like I get Lauren's grime and then I like put it on the guy next to me. It's awesome. That sounds great. I don't know. It sucks dude. Honestly we had

an extra ticket but we ate it. Yeah we were like oh I don't want to give it to Will. Whose personality are you guys stealing?

I just told you. Rhino hair? The lead singer of Rhino. Oh right right. Duh. um uh brett oh the bassist brobe yeah brett brobe brett brobe he prays bit brett brobe he brays brace oh yeah and um yeah dude they're gonna shred we're gonna have so much fun without you um i'm stealing my friend cameron's personality because she every weekend she lives in chicago

and she just texts me and she always has something funny to say and that's the one that that's my girlfriend oh yeah potentially wait what she's a crunch on she's a crunch why do we all have friends that have crunches on you and you're you are picking her friend

immediately or my friend no I just didn't know better just just feels like you guys live a lot of life when I'm not around it feels annoying would you rather I not do anything when you're not

there I want to I want to I want like an update like a new girl has a crunch on me um oh well this has been a blast oh wait we have one more week until our monday yeah until our double double or nothing uh what should they comment this week will comment a bird that you like also comment i finally won wingspan oh nice i'm getting good but then lauren fucking not that you jerry's girlfriend went fucking off she got 85 points she eggs maxed she egg maxed she feather maxed she fucking won the end around goals it was it

was a beat down in the likes of jesus you guys did not win that was i've won and then then she came into the fold and we played a four-person game and she she rinsed wingspan is fucking awesome everyone needs to get in on it okay comment a bird that doesn't exist okay i got one cornets swallow a wide-winged helmet hair also comment the most messed up thing you've ever done jesus yeah i'm not entertaining do you think there are any murderers that listen to wit it probably not it's like probably someone that like killed their pet someone jesus someone like is in super max prison and they have like an mp3 player and if someone like jail broke it to get played it he's like yeah there's have you comments like

william banks is no he's like this like new york comedian guy he's kind of a strange character i don't really know how to describe it but like uh he's does like weird like performance art he's just like a crazy guy but it's like comedy anyway he got arrested and he's in jail and he posts these videos in jail and they're the funniest fucking things of all time like it's like guys being like i'm gonna fuck you up little white boy and stuff and he's like hi i'm enjoying prison but like he's actually in prison so i can't tell if it's like sketches i'll send it to you yeah i need to see that but he got he loved their phones what's that i just don't understand when people his like roommate got a phone or something and he started posting i don't know it's very bizarre

but it's funny i'm gonna fuck you up white boy it's also crazy to think that there's people listening to this that are probably gonna go go to jail one day there's people oh god recording this that are gonna go to jail um did you see that new so like um luigi mangione and p diddy are in the same jail and apparently pd is so mad because everyone in there loves luigi and he's like he like for sure did this and then pd is still claiming his innocence he's like they all love this murderer but they none of them like me yeah i mean also they're sharing a legal team really yeah or it's just like the same law firm or something i mean the way it was phrased was they are sharing a legal team so maybe they are killing two birds with one stone i don't know um

all right you got anything else willie no go buck eyes go bucks we're in the natty when is that friday go notre dame uh no next monday next a week from today go irish today being monday um yeah i'll root for you i'll root for you guys buck eyes i'm excited but i do like we could have a watch party yeah we can make skyline dip oh yeah i've never had skyline it's so good it's good we'll do it i'll do a little party for it nice wait i'm super down all right we love you guys have a great rest of your week and a great weekend and we will see you guys next wednesday and then the week after that we'll see you twice a week can't wait love you drive safe bye

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