Will & Rusty's Playdate - If My Tractor Could Talk

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

Will and Rusty engage in banter about swingers, navigating first dates, atomic wedgies, and who would make the better father. They also call another Playmate, exchange knowledge, and embark on a whimsical journey drafting imaginary country songs and music festivals. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod HEAD TO http://www.drinktriple.com/playdate TO GET 10% OFF THE ORIGINAL HIGH SELTZER USING CODE: PLAYDATE. 0% HANGOVER, 100% SOCIAL. DOWNLOAD THE APP AND USE CODE PLAYDATE TO BOOK YOUR ONE-WAY TICKET TO FUN WITH DRAFTKINGS CASINO. START PLAYING WITH JUST $5 AND GET $100 BACK INSTANTLY IN CASINO CREDITS. PLEASE PLAY RESPONSIBLY. 21+. https://casino.draftkings.com/ F*%K YOUR KHAKIS AND GET THE PERFECT JEAN 15% OFF WITH THE CODE PLAYDATE15 AT www.theperfectjean.nyc/PLAYDATE15 #theperfectjeanpod (00:00) Intro (01:28) Haircuts (03:20) Will’s TB Scare (07:03) Roadmap (09:10) “The Movie” (14:33) Kids (19:09) Pitch Submissions (24:46) Bay of Pigs (32:35) Pitches (34:05) Dating (49:02) Jealousy (54:05) AITA (01:13:45) Bullying (01:15:53) Teach Me Something! (01:21:43) Country Songs that Don’t Exist (01:26:58) Music Festivals that Don’t Exist (01:33:23) Whose Personality are you Stealing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Playdate pod is brought to you by triple the original high seltzer 0% hangover 100% social All right, welcome back to another episode it's playdate episode 33 33 33 take your pick honestly, there's some there's some legends gotta be great gotta be Larry though Larry Bird, that's who I was thinking of to our Larry Bird episode bird episode gonna be super white and blue collar that's what they say about us and i agree what was the song you were singing earlier that i wanted to sing oh oh it was and i'd give up forever to touch you because i just want to fucking touch you i thought it was and that because i just want to touch you my friend oh yeah yeah it's i give up forever to touch you because i just want to touch you my friend

and all i can think of is touching you and now i want to touch you again in my dreams i'm touching you because and i don't want the world to touch you because i don't think that they feel your hands that was good and i don't want a haircut i got a haircut bang much needed i feel like a new man i liked it long i liked it long too what the fuck is wrong with you guys not that it doesn't look good i just liked it long i uh last year i i liked you when you look different it's like like imagine okay wait wait it's like a new character we have to get yeah new character just drops when i when i come out of the shower and i do like this i look like a little amish school boy i don't know if it yeah just yeah just then it definitely doesn't look

like an amish school boy all the time what i mean maybe not amish but i look like a school boy yeah the barber i did i texted you guys about this the barber asked me what grade i was in halfway halfway through the haircut i was like i didn't even know how to answer i was like i'm not in grade and she was like she was like oh oh where do you go to college and then i was like i'm not in college either and then she was like oh what do you do and i was like i i graduated college like it was a whole it was like a and then we never talked for the rest of the haircut she was which is great it was honestly ideal do you guys normally talk to your haircut no i don't like to but they always like to talk yeah i had one in florida and it was you know those people

were just like every everything that's ever happened like to them is not their fault yeah and it's like x y and z happened because of this and like that's what's preventing me from doing whatever the most uncomfortable i've ever been she was like 70 and like only telling me just the worst things that have happened to her yeah and there's a certain type of person where you're like and this might be insensitive but it feels like there's no way every person you know has an ailment like they're talking yeah and they're like and this is like my son has this and my daughter has this and like it's called i have like i have triple tuberculosis and you're like i almost had that triple tuberculosis single but every time i'm a tb scare no freshman year college

wait what is tb again tuberculosis no no i'm like what does it do it's like getting like some sort of lung like in fact infection i don't know how it works but you like cough and then die and it was like it was like people like die all the time from it like the middle ages but like i think we got to the bottom of it yeah and uh but i you have one really big cough and then you die yes they call it three years cough the three years cough oh yeah i remember the three years cough he was but it's like big down by the three years cough in some developing nations it's still prominent and so when you go when i went to college they were like oh if you've been any these countries you have to get in the last year you'd have to get tb test and i'd been to paraguay

and that was one of them and so they did tb test and it was like the way have you ever the way they do the tb test is they like prick your you kind of have it no have you literally have you ever got a tuberculosis test they like they give you a shot in your arm but they don't they then they draw like a little like radius or they wait until it like inflames and then they measure the radius of the of the inflammation and that determines whether you have tb or not so if it's more than like a half a centimeter in diameter or whatever or radius or whatever then you have it and so the lady's like sitting there like you sit there for 20 minutes and then they measure so i sit there for 20 minutes they go to measure she's like oh it's kind of right on the on the like

she's holding a ruler against my arm she's like uh yeah i'm gonna say you have it i was like oh god damn it wait really she's like yeah it looks like you got tb i was like what like what year is it and then i got i had to get chest x-rays and then they said i must i have it in my system but it's latent so then i had to go through i had to take drugs for a year for it and uh then sounds like a really like almost like medieval way to test super she's eyeballing it yeah and so this was fresh this was like right on their freshman year and then senior year when i'm getting ready to go to the peace corps or so i thought they need like an update on it and i go to the doctor and they're like oh yeah in the last two years we totally phased out that antiquated testing method

now we just test your blood for it and we can tell you immediately and they were like they test my blood they're like oh yeah it was a false positive freshman year you didn't need to take all those drugs like you don't have it wait wait so you for all of college you thought you had it i thought i had latent tuberculosis which means there's a five percent chance in my life i get tuberculosis like it's in my system like brooding and there's a five percent chance it comes up but i took these drugs every week for a year to reduce it from five percent to one percent and then it turns out the whole so i was i who knows what i was fucking putting in my system for a year and now it found out it was just a false positive and the lady just like misread the eyeballing you know like some stds

like it's like just like one pill and it like goes away yeah we were at school and so yeah some kid like someone they got he had an anonymous text from the health center being like yeah you were on the list of people that this girl is saying like she's hooked up with and so he went in and the guy was like he was like yeah we honestly don't even need to test you you can just take this like if you have it it'll go away if you don't have it like it doesn't do anything and he was like yeah but i would like to know i would like to know yeah whether yeah like i don't want to just like be thinking my life like i might have had it at one point and uh the guy was like fine all right we can test you like if you insist on it he was like i don't think that's like that

crazy of a thing to like want to know all right should we roadmap it up rm uh yeah i'm gonna defer to you on this this week i'll let you do the roadmap we've got i'm really excited about about some of the draft or one of the drafts today both of them but one more than the other we have your pitches we have our pitches we're gonna do seems like more people liked the phone calls than not but we're gonna do we're gonna do two phone call one phone one phone call potentially potentially two depending if we want more context but either way two am i the assholes everyone's favorite segment teach me something and then we have country songs that don't exist which i'm stoked about and music festivals that don't exist yeah i also want to you know i took

a lot of i i made a mistake during our drafts last week uh with our song lyrics that don't make sense yeah actually came after like three of my favorite bands and was taking some heat in the comments people were not happy and um i just want to say i'm sorry something happening again yeah um should we hear some pitches this microphone is gonna drive me yeah right before we started recording rusty had a small a bit of a temper tantrum it resulted in him taking the mic off the stand, throwing both of them to the ground. That's not exactly how it happened.

Basically, it won't sit in a fixed place because someone comes in here and fucks with these microphones and I pushed it and then it fell. Just don't touch it anymore. What if I wanted to go way over there?

That's probably what the guy did who broke it. He probably wanted to go over there. I mean, look at this. This is fucking bedlam. It's like the person I smoked cigarettes Stop Those commercials were so scary I smoked 11 years worth of cigarettes

In one year And now I talk like this Oh my god did you guys watch I ground up all the dirt in my gardens What did you guys watch What were you going to say you ground up all the dirt in your garden and smoked it Yeah it was Did you guys have

college did you guys have um we called it like the movie like in sixth grade fifth or sixth grade they showed you like the movie in health class and it was like it was basically your parents wouldn't have to have the talk with you because this movie just covered everything okay and like i would like to see that movie the lore of it would like bleed into the elementary school so you'd be like you know next year we're gonna watch them we're gonna watch the movie that's and it would be like like kids would just blow it out of proportion so like i thought we were gonna watch like legitimately like a live execution like we didn't like like because we didn't know what it was they were just like there's like they tell you every show you everything you need to

know so i thought it was going to be like everything from like taxes to like this is what like this is what taxes this is what i'm i thought it was just an all a cover all like you wouldn't have to learn anything after this movie and like high school would just kind of be like you just hung out there because you knew everything this is how to go on the big rides at the amusement park like like i because obviously i didn't know what like sex was yeah so i was just like what could they possibly be like teaching us well i i have a funny when i took i had like a it wasn't a movie but it was like we had like a group it was like it was called choices and changes and you'd go with your parents and it was like all the kids in your grade and everyone's parents

and then you would just like go i don't know there's like a book that you'd read out of and you discuss it or whatever but there's one part i remember specifically there's a part about masturbation yep um sorry lauren is a little gruesome but it was gruesome and that yeah it's like one of those christian books that's like if you masturbate it'll shrivel up yeah no but we're in this section about masturbation and for whatever my brother was like a teenager at the time and for whatever reason my brother had this habit of like he would just walk around the house like with his hand in his pants he's kind of like scratching his nuts nothing like yeah nothing like weird but he wasn't pulling his taffy but he well exactly

but i didn't i just knew we walked around this hand fence i didn't know what masturbation was at all yeah so we're reading this book it's about masturbation and then they like go off and like they're like okay now break up into your like family units and discuss with your parents and after learning about masturbation i went off with my mom and i said mom is that the thing sammy's always doing around the house and she so in her mind i watched my brother jack off all around the house yeah so she's like what you've seen sammy and i was like yeah yeah she didn't put two no she didn't realize i meant to put it because like she obviously knew what yeah how old were you i was in fourth grade fifth grade yeah i don't know yeah that's it was it was pretty funny

you weren't cranking it in fifth grade i was not cranking it in fifth grade i mean i wasn't cranking it till high school i thought you were gonna say sam like sam was at the he was at the meeting with you no no no it was just me and my mom i thought you were gonna say like like they were talking about masturbation he leaned over and she's like you know it feels awesome my mom was like yeah so mom was like what you've seen him do it and i was like no you know like where he walks around the house all the time she's like oh thank god yeah no that's not it we had a we had a buddy that would like you know just instinctually do it and it would be like at your house like like his hand in his pants oh like at your same source of confusion at your house like at school

and it was like it was like i guess you're not like technically doing anything wrong but like you can't yeah you can't be put you can't have your hand down there i know i've caught you a few episodes with my hand in my pants no i'm kidding there was a kid uh that my babysitter babysat i just i'm sorry like the team it's the tuberculosis i took a sw i went on the wrong pipe just keep going what if we had to like save him on camera

oh my god it's just liquid but oh my god my babysitter like babysat another kid as well obviously and she had to go

do something at their house while we were with them kind of feels like a violation though what when you find out your babysitter

babysat oh my god I was furious and we were like in this kid's room for some reason and he had a book that his parents

had given him that was like kind of similar to that book maybe but it was like you know for kids to read right yeah and it would answer all of his questions in one of them i think for me it like it gave me more questions than answers because like it was things i hadn't thought about yet but i was like old enough that i should have known them and there's one of them that was like what if i pee inside of the other person while i'm having sex with them and i remember being like that was a question in the book it's crazy and it was basically the answer was like it can't happen like the guy the

guy was just like yeah impossible like and they just like they didn't why was that in the book i don't i write that book as a freak i don't know i think well i think it was just like it was about sex and like that's something that maybe came to like one person maybe kids ask that a lot like what happens if i pee in them i'm never giving my kids to talk the now that'd be my parents my parents didn't either but my mom did dude the answer was the answer was just was just like impossible didn't didn't elaborate at all um i'm not gonna talk with my kids about anything i'm never gonna open up to them are you kidding me that'd be so embarrassing dude i'm probably not gonna even have them that feels embarrassing in and of itself do you guys

want to have kids yeah i do i want to be a dad i want to have a little kid and i want to fucking make him play baseball like every fucking day so he makes the mlb i can see you both as dads i can i can see it not of the same kid yeah what do you like in like uh no just i can see you guys as fathers why no so aggressively that it's 2024 no we could both be dads with who do you think would be a better dad will or i don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life you know the same way you can skip an ad i get it i'm siaya and i live in ice cove i've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way i planned and today i'm still figuring it out somehow things usually get worse before they get better apparently that's how i roll

so bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride stream a new episode of north of north tuesdays on cbc gem i don't think i can answer that you know the answer though no i don't want to answer that you'd both that means you no why you'd both you'd both be great you would be the better dad you'd both be great why would she not answer i think if if it was me she would just be like you me why because i think she knows that you would handle that fine i think um you think will's gonna be better than me um i don't know i don't know man i don't know if that's true i think will's gonna be a better mom than you i think my i think i'm scared i'm actually like afraid of being a mom like i

want to you're going too soon right yeah didn't you say you were are we spoiling sorry we'll keep up the ruse for the pod no i feel like you'd be like scared of your kids like your own offspring i just don't want them to like i don't know have like problems yeah like have like i don't know i'm just scared i'm gonna raise them incorrectly right now i do worry about that with for you specifically yeah i feel like you have probably i feel like i feel like your kid is almost like never like you right like it's like you they're usually like i don't know the opposite No, but you get traits. I'm a lot like my dad.

I've gotten so many traits from my mom, I feel like. I don't know if I could handle having just, like, a weird one, though. Like, a really strange one that you're just like, yeah. Or if you don't know how to interact with them. Yeah, what if they're just, like, what if they're just, like, what if they just suck? Impossible. Yeah. They're the light of your life.

I think some people don't like their kids. Yeah, but those people blow. Like, Bradley Cooper, he doesn't like his kids. He said he didn't love his daughter unless she was, like, nine months old or something. Wait, he said that? Yeah, he was like, it's total bullshit that, like, you instantly love them. Yeah. I get that, though.

You can't say that. You don't know anything about them. You can't say that to the press. The mom definitely does. What a fucking freak. Yeah, the mom definitely does. What a freak. Yeah, that's true.

I don't think, but dude, like, I don't even know this guy. Yeah, but I'm just saying you can't say that to the press. Bradley Cooper has always given me, like, grimy vibes. Yeah, I call him Barely Pooper. Probably Barely Poops. Such a freak. This podcast is brought to you by Triple. Triple is the original high seltzer with 3 milligrams of THC with just 15 to 20 calories.

Triple offers a social buzz similar to that of your favorite hard seltzer. Light on the calories, high on life. It's all natural, gluten-free, and again, just 15 to 20 calories. Will, why do you love Triple so much? There's a lot of reasons I love Triple, and I keep telling you about it. I'm seriously all in on this stuff. uh i have a new use case to discuss which is had a few triples before a concert yep last week that sounds like a dream perfect yeah it was absolutely perfect because like yeah like i don't know like

when you're at a concert you want to be like pretty like mellow and like still like feel like yourself but you want to have that little like social buzz and uh and you're around all those people but i mean it was perfect i had like two or three of these before i went to a briston maroney concert and it was fantastic and i had a blast so can't recommend triple enough i'll say it and i'll say it again grapefruit is what does it for me all the flavors are good but i'm a sucker for grapefruit seltzers and these are no exception you keep telling me about the grapefruits but i have just not made my way around to them i like the cherry lemon a lot yeah those are you haven't gotten into those ones yet they're a dream guys triple is born from a desire to blend thc's social

buzz with the social ritual of sipping on a seltzer triple will be available in total wine locations grocery stores liquor stores bars and restaurants in florida and texas in april it is currently available online nationwide to get it now go to drink triple.com and use code playdate to get 10 off your order that's drink triple.com and use code playdate for 10 off your order of this fantastic high seltzer guys triple read no that's cool just step all over my toes I thought we're gonna do that one together that's what we said

last time triple redefining the party landscape did you hear some pitches yeah you got any pitches or something okay first one is from t-bird t-bird he says what up

Lauren and the chipmunks nice I like that I like how they yeah I've got a fresh one for you Don't you ever wish that social media Played an even greater Can I say something real quick Confess us to a murder Perfect example of what I'm about to tell you

Someone was like The reason it sounds like Lauren can't read Is because you guys interrupt her after every third word That is true Yeah and then I get all confused And I have to find my place And then it's all a hodgepodge of crazy.

Okay, don't you ever wish that social media played... Wait, you know what I was thinking? Alright, sorry. Don't you ever wish that social media played an even greater role in your life? Yes. No. Wait, wait. I was saying yes. Don't you wish social media played an even greater... No, I wish

that I... I wish it would crash and burn. Well, that would... None of us would have jobs. I wish there was a way to have this job but not have to go on social media yes but that doesn't make any that's inherently contradictory but it would be nice can you guys are those working yeah oh nice well i don't know why we why are we doing this now isn't it kind of fun i saw you i don't think you're gonna want them for like clips though all right why if a clip oh we're in headphone man yeah it's kind of fun okay well say hello

to the mega app it's basically instagram spotify letterboxd hinge goodreads and yelp rolled into one good reads snuck that one in i can't do that we don't read essentially picture your instagram profile as is but with many different tabs which display your favorites including favorite movies tv shows music restaurants books etc which you can also write fun little reviews for like letterboxd this essentially ends the need to get to know people in real life in addition it will have a dating app feature that will pair you with potential partners based on your favorites for some easy monetization we can sell everyone's data to the deep state holla holla get that dollar love you guys with every fiber of my being i am but a lamb lost in

a meadow where you are the shepherd what's this person's name that's such a visual t-bird was the nicest thing anyone's ever told me um all jokes aside that would be really cool that's where we're headed i think i think give it like five years well like so it had it's like a separate link in your bio that would go and be like this is everything about this person yeah and you review everything I like the idea of like you can also review just like things you did like if I like

like this podcast I can just post like my little Yelp review of it yeah or like it's like these are my favorite breakfast joints check out Uncle Andy's I feel like there has to be

it was it was Uncle Andy's was so awesome oh my god it was on that it was on that like show

where they would go fix they would go like renovate restaurants bar rescue no for diners diners dive in

it closed after 60 years because is it in Winter Park no it was in South Portland, Maine it was awesome now you go to Becky's

you'd go in I don't really rock with Becky's unpopular opinion it's good i'm not waiting 45 minutes for it's overhyped andy's uncle andy's um becky's is for posers is it this yeah it was on restaurant impossible yeah it's kind of a whack name that's uncle andy in the blue apron legend he was also like the one cooking for you like it wasn't he didn't let

the he didn't let the fame get to his head that's awesome um they had a play they had a thing called the mill creek marathon and we would go and see who could eat it the fastest eat the marathon the mill creek marathon like that was like a that was a plate it was a gotta gotta yeah did you ever get that thing no but uh animal pancake this is why this guy rules no he would ask the kids like what what what animal do you want oh that's cute so you'd bring little kids and i wouldn't but you'd bring your would bring little kids you'd bring your kid in and be like and he'd be look he gave that one like an ear and an eye i'm sorry i don't know he was going crazy yeah that's where i was doing tricks on it we should make just like a little breakfast shop wouldn't that be so nice

that's the dream i i would do it in like in like key west with you will uh maybe not key west in like an island you would want to go to key west with me uh i want to go to key did you get that joke lord no he basically just insinuated i wanted to raw dog him wait i don't get that key west is like super gay and he goes he goes i would yeah you would want to go to key west i didn't i never said anything did you guys do you know you guys know the story about diana diana diana princess diana diana niad the woman who swam oh yeah cuba yeah from the keys to q or cuba to wait what yeah this was crazy they made it into a netflix uh it's called niad niad isn't there someone famous in it um i'm forgetting her name she's super famous from signs the lambs i'm

forgetting jody oh neil patrick harris no i'm just joking jody foster right is that her name yeah i think you're right very crazy story yeah it was she swam to cuba or from cuba for 60 hours straight she swam what happens when you land in cuba though then she got immediately shot on arrival did she actually no she did the bay of pigs invasion it was military no uh what was the why was it called the bay of pigs because so many people got like slaughtered no that's just like the name of the geographical part of Cuba. But it was.

A lot of people got slaughtered. What happened? The Bay of Pigs, dude. Yeah. It was all... They were all, like, Cuban exiles, basically, that were frustrated

with Castro. And so, basically, it was like the U.S. wanted to try to take down Castro, but they didn't, like... They couldn't justify, like, direct American

military intervention because they were worried about Russia. Yeah. You know, they were all communists and they were worried about them coming at us so they basically trained and mobilized a group of cuban exiles and like

gave them everything they needed to do this attack but didn't technically have any there was no like u.s direct attachment to it so that we could be like we didn't like those cuban exiles were just mad at castro they did it themselves did they all die and they all the i was just like a total failed like idea they just got like slaughtered that brother jfk was crazy well it wasn't jfk that organized it but then jfk came into office when it had already been all planned and he was like it was like kind of too far along so he like it happened but then he looks outside they're all like they're all like really good with nunchucks he's like well we got him this good yeah we trained him this much he just got sworn into office and it was like already like yeah far

gone and so it happened was it like the cia doing it yeah yeah and and the thing though i probably hated it immediately immediately was like nobody it was so immediately clear that the americans had organized it like there was all this like evidence oh we thought we were getting away with it was supposed to be that it was just like oh wow this ragtag group of cuban militants like attack they're all wearing like they're all wearing like usa like headbands they're like i don't know if those guys are on their own but it was like yeah jfk just got fucked right off the bat when he got into office because he this huge disaster happened it was so clearly the u.s i really like the i really like the visual of like for some reason they're training in like the white

house lawn yeah and he like he gets like hey keep this on the deal he gets into the oval office and looks out his window and he's like all right we're shutting this down and then one of them does like a standing backflip and he's like all right on you guys teach him that all right let him try it um yeah dude jfk was was we need more presidents that were doing stuff like that that was cool not not the bay pigs like i was like what this stuff the type of stuff like he was usually like banging maryland rowe i know it's pretty cool yeah you've seen that picture that caught up to him but have you seen that picture of them like cuddled up no it's like the one of the only like pictures of them together pulled up they're like k cuddled up some it's like them

like through a through like a slit in a door like someone snapped someone snapped a picture do you have well i mean you gotta be a little more specific yeah yeah bang it's like through threw a slit in the door that crazy yeah it says false on snopes though well snopes also says a lot of stuff is false yeah false stuff i don't but like who's snopes to say we just we just gave them all the power i mean they were banging they were banging no i'm just saying that yeah that picture it's probably that jfk was probably like yo snopes yo snopes snopes yeah snopes yes jfk can still control snopes um all right let's hear the second pitch yeah all right it's a fun shirt lauren thanks it's a little kid nice nice like us yep just like

okay this one is from sam donovan he says hello everyone long time listener it's my brother oh that's sam than ellen yeah it was like you thought that was gonna be a home it was it was it was it was a home it was a star killer donovan sorry i have a pretty good pitch it is a guy slash girl you can hire to be around you to make you look better want to impress a date slash girlfriend they can be around you and be a terrible person to make you look like a gentleman in comparison they can also help you work in presentations and pitches to ask questions and help give feedback.

Pretty much a social task rabbit that you can make act in any way you want for social benefits. Love the pod. I do like, I do, it is like a kind of sad thing, but it is kind of true, like when you're like around a girl and like your buddy's kind of sucking. It's kind of like

Yeah, you get to pull them aside and be like, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, like it kind of, you can kind of score some points there. We grew up together. Yeah, it can't be like your closest friend, but if it's like you're just like with a guy that blows when you're trying to impress a girl pretty nice to be like couldn't be me that's so embarrassing i also i would almost do it the other way around where i would i would hire someone who's like a little bit less attractive than me but have him rule yeah and and be like look at all these cool people that i true that rock true yeah you know

what i mean i gotta kill like he's just like murdering it like everyone's like cracking up and they're like did you bring this guy around yeah yeah wait did i pitch or did i read one last week about a doppelganger like that someone looks like you no i don't think people say i look like a guy from sky high a few episodes ago yeah and uh someone else i forget kyle rittenhouse yeah people always say that i don't really get that one but i think it's really funny it's so funny that it just consists of every video just someone said well i i think it's like i i think they're joking because you don't act have you been getting that since or since before this since i've been making tiktoks oh really yeah my whole life has been coward yeah or since

he i think i was doing tiktoks before he murdered those people but you look you don't look like him dude he looks like my buddy kevin more than he looks like me yeah insert photo of kevin yeah can you google kyle rittenhouse network that's such a stray i bet it's so fucking high kyle rittenhouse is now broke all right good good yeah i hope he fucking dies jesus okay i hope he goes to jail i just wish he didn't do what he did that's a better way i don't like wish ill will on anyone i just wish it didn't happen i think what pissed me off is no i kind of yeah i don't want him to be around i mean i wouldn't kill him but if would you kick him in the balls if you could it's just it's more it's obviously what

he did sucks and it's not just like i want to be like punitive but he's continued to be like this like bastion of like like they like parade him around at events as this like american hero yeah yeah like so fucked up that there are kids that are raised in like a world where adults are like this is who you should be like yeah fucking murder i don't know if we let's just yeah let's not get super political oh yeah that i don't think that was political at all no no i just mean let's not get serious about anything okay all right fair enough nothing serious do y'all feel yeah that was i was joking um i do think we might not want to put this in but i do want to i do want to say this i just think it's wild like i got into an argument one time with my dad just being like

they were like he's like someone was like he's defending himself and i was like yeah but like if i went anywhere with an ar-15 and like even if it's in self-defense you would be like you're an idiot for doing that yeah it's insane drove across the state line yeah all right um sam i love that pitch sorry we got a little things got a little haywire there for a second um should we pitch each other yeah i gotta pitch mine's pretty bad this week but well good thing i had the best one i've ever had spare hands you keep them in your pocket when you're carrying a bunch of stuff yeah you can attach them right here on the wrist oh that's so good it's just basically like a little bowl obviously they're not functional hands wait a little bowl oh why wouldn't they

just be hands that connect to like the tendons and you're like they just wire right into the tendons like a prosthetic so like when you flex they close and when you open there exactly that's exactly it every grocery trip is one trip now yeah exactly you don't even need bags or a cart that's fucking awesome genius spare hands anyone takes that idea you're fucking dead looking at you you're making a lot of murder threats yeah i'm fucking going nuts dude i'm losing my i'm losing my goddamn mind this girl oj death has me thinking about it do you see these like thick scabs on my hand yeah girl squeezed my hand so hard that to nail that's like legit in what context uh we were in night time context no no no that'd be wild we were i we were at

dinner and i like said something might be weirder put your hand like this i won't do it hard but like like across the table i said something and she was like like being like that's messed up or whatever and like squeeze my hand she has a crush on you what whoever this is definitely has a crush on you no one reaches across the table and squeezes a guy's hand oh being like like yeah that girl has a crush malicious way right that's pretty wait was it a date no oh come on have you been on any dates i've never been on it ever entirely no actually never been on a date like not with a girl that i'm not already with oh really in a million are you joking what do you mean meeting up with a stranger for one-on-one not a stranger like talking to what if i'm being dead serious never

in my life have i gone on a date with someone that i'm not already with yeah it's cool it's fun yeah it is kind of fun because you're like i'm never gonna see them it's like low stakes wait what do you do if what do you do i'm being completely serious right now what do you do if you run out of things to talk about you just i don't think will the nolan has ever had that problem what do you do if you run out of things i haven't had that issue either because i blabber when i'm like ain't nervous okay what if um all right let's go on let's go on a mock first date You show me Go out the door and come back in

And I'm sitting at dinner I'm sitting at dinner I got here first I have a drink And you're sitting down Hi Holy shit great tits Do it seriously

I want to see how you would do this I'm the girl Will when you come back in can you push the thing over I'm the girl what's your name i'm jacqueline i'm jacqueline hey jacqueline hi hey well will nice to meet you oh all right how are you it's good to see you yeah i'm gonna just fix this light real quick yep this place is so nice yeah do you like it i picked it out uh i've never been here but i've heard good things so i figured what a better chance

to try it out cool yeah um how was it was it easy getting here uh there was like a little bit of traffic nothing crazy that's california for you i know all right yeah i always say i uh yeah traffic is see like that's fucking like what like what if that happens well just you you you you have to you have to get through small talk there's like a little bit awkward yeah it's always like a little yeah traffic's uh traffic's brutal okay i'm thinking all right spanish food not to get ahead of ourselves here but i'm thinking we do a little tapas style if you're down with it i love tapas yeah we can just kind of get a few plates and figure it out i always like a bottle of wine too yes yeah i like where your head's at red hot want to come over after

no i don't know it's you i mean you're like there would have been things that like it's not like a blonde you walk into a cold like you know a few things about them to ask about now i want to set you up on a blind date yeah why why it's just fun dude that lauren did i tell you i met a girl on on the plane oh yeah this is he had a meet cute yeah no this was on an airplane which is what everyone fantasizes about yeah i was there's a movie about that airplane this fucking snakes on a plane oh my god when i was like 93 when i was a kid uh i thought that the seatbelts on the like i think i was i don't know if i had like a fever or something now that i'm saying this a lot it makes me sound like a really dumb kid but my mom said that i was convinced that the

seatbelts were snakes and i started yelling that there were snakes on the plane and then like snakes on a plane came out after i did that and my mom was like always joke she was like the guy who wrote that was probably on the plane it was like that's a really good idea genius all right i feel like you're the only child to have ever thought that snakes yeah that's so so random yeah um okay so i'm on i get on the plane like first before this girl she like stops and says hello and then keeps moving and then there was like no one on this plane for some reason and So I went to the bathroom and like stopped her and we talked and then sat down in her row.

Oh yeah. There was no one in the row across from her. So I like sat down on the arm. Oh, that's pretty ballsy. Wait, when you were walking back from the back, you were like, I'm just going to talk to her. She like said, hello. I was pretty drunk.

Said hello. I sat down on like the arm of the seat across from her. There was no one sitting there. No one sitting in that row. And we chatted for a second. And I don't remember who gave who the number, but yeah, we started texting. Oh, that's cool. Was that coming back to LA?

no this was on the way to aspen oh and then she she was skiing in aspen and i was skiing in telluride did have you guys texted oh we were texting yesterday and it was one of those ones where i didn't leave the i didn't leave the message that's you know what i mean we were we were just firing text i don't have one of those i love that yeah that's her flutters yeah her friend uh or her co-worker apparently really likes will and i know this is i got okay i got fucked here what you you were like hey do you want to come to this party this girl invited me to next wednesday night in like weho and i was like i'm not going to west hollywood on a wednesday well we're also not going to be back in time right because we have this boston trip but i i guess i

was just like ah yeah like i don't i don't know i think it was before we knew the dates of the or when we were coming back from yeah but i said no and then he's like oh her friend she just said oh man my friend's really disappointed she loves will i was like okay well that would have been information you include when you invite me not after i said no but would you have had me go back and no like oh you can't go back after that i just wish you had led with like she well i didn't know until she had said okay i thought you knew that my friend's sad does she live in west hollywood she lives in uh i don't really want to she lives in los angeles i I don't want to dox her neighborhood.

It's a huge... Okay, whatever. She lives in... She wants to move to the west side? Yeah. Anyway, I would have been more inclined to go to this party in WeHo if I knew her friend wanted to meet me. If you knew she wanted you.

Yeah, because it feels good to be wanted. Let me tell you something. Yeah, I haven't felt wanted in months. I noticed that. Yeah. Wait, what were we talking about? How did we get in contact? oh we were talking about like how scary it is to go on a first date snakes on a plane

so i went on a date it freshman year of high school okay so you did so you lied then no no but we were already dating but it was one of those ones where it was like neither of us had cars yeah and so it was like we would only hang out at each other's houses and then i guess her sister was like it's weird that you guys only hang out here and so i was we went to flatbread you know flap right i love flap right oh good oh my god they have this like salad that's always the special yeah the goat cheese yeah the punctured or there's one called the punctured equilibrium oh that sounds good pretty good jay's heart that's what i'm thinking of yeah yeah that's just like their their cheese pizza yeah it's the best i go there all the time my buddy andrew hartell worked there

really he must have been like very granola i feel like everyone there is like he's six eight and plays basketball at Conn College. At what college? Conn College. Connecticut College. Go Camels. He just won a national

championship. Go Camels. Wait, no he didn't. Yeah. Conn College. Connecticut just won. That's UConn. Who?

I'm smart. Yeah, I just, there's no, like, you're like one of my favorite people in the world and when we were role playing there,

I couldn't think of anything to talk to you about. Yeah. We have a job where we talk to each other for an hour plus each week i think and i couldn't think of one fucking thing to say to you yeah yeah you did i said traffic sucks if i said that she's leaving the table okay here's what you do one of the first things you do is you compliment her and then oh i mean

yeah oh my god that's a conversation yeah yeah but that seems like it's coming on too strong no you're like oh my god you look gorgeous that's like the best thing a girl wants to hear really compliments but what if we're not sure if it's romantic yet if you're on a date it's it's romantic you're trying to be romantic you think obviously what else what else well she doesn't want a friend no but don't you like start as friends and then by hopefully by the end of the day that's what's fun about dates is like you have this like unnecessary expectation that kind of guides like the tone of it to where you come in like oh my god you look gorgeous and then like you can like compliment them and be romantic and i would think like i would think that if

someone was already being romantic to me without us knowing each other I would think like oh they do this that's weird because they must do this to everyone I mean they probably do that's what I'm saying that's weird I don't like that part of it I guess yeah I don't know um

it's been a while though so I what do you what's your do you normally go to drinks or dinner uh I usually would do dinner i just hate drinks drinks is weird because it's like not drinks isn't weird drinks is definitely like lower stakes but it's also like what like if you do drinks at like an early enough time

then if you hit it off then it's like are we gonna get dinner yeah then or oh like you know what i mean like i feel like dinner kind of establishes like a set like it's gonna be like an hour or so and then you'll go your separate ways or not i guess but like well what if like i don't know i my thing is too ambiguous you know what i mean sometimes you want like an end on it too because drinks could go all night i know and dinner is like more of like a confined like you can be like okay i'm going home after dinner i've done daytime ones like when i had like a year or so ago i i did like a coffee date and then like we went on a walk and then i was like oh i gotta go do this it's like an easy just out i just thought of one i if that counts that i've been

on a date yeah there was a girl that uh we went we walked all around portland together beautiful wait how did you so she uh we knew each other growing up met at uh met in person at our like mutual friends christmas party and then she just came to she came to my house in portland and we walked around that's awesome yeah if anyone wants to go on a date with rusty that's not what i was saying at all i've just someone if anyone wants to go on a date with or will either of us or both or both we should do a raffle a raffle for a double date no it's a double date but but it's only uh but it's a raffle no no i'm saying like they're the only girl like there's one girl they're on a date with like a threesome uh all right god damn it i was talking about this

we're talking about platonic romance okay i think that's contradictory yeah that is uh i was talking about this with someone the other day because i brought this up that i've never been on a date and they're like well then how have you had like girlfriends and college is different dude no but i'm saying like even like this year i had a girlfriend it was just like that person just spawned into my life i don't know yeah i just woke up and that person was like my girlfriend yeah so you guys didn't have like a first date um i mean we've been we were we have been on dates but we were already like seeing each other those were expensive boston fucking sucks dude it's so expensive yeah it's more expensive here also my first my last day remember i went to felix

oh it's like 200 i spent 250 bucks oh yeah oh i mean it was fun wait did that not pan out uh no i mean didn't you just stop 250 bucks no i 250 do you guys play grab ass at least what what the fuck no i i i was like i would go on dates with people that i was like okay at least were like going home together uh no we didn't go home together so you're just like here's 250 big bucks i mean she was a really sweet girl have a great rest of your night it was great food and we got a bottle of wine and i enjoyed the i was i was a great day she's walking away under your bed like i could have gotten a pair of jordan she's like what was that could have gotten so many legos what's a prayer what's that what of jordan's a pair of oh a pair of jordan i thought

Is it a prayer Jordan? I could have gotten a prayer Jordan. A prayer Jordan. It's Jordan in midair, but he's like, prayer Jordan. I want to get to the bottom of this. I want to keep talking about it, but we haven't been talking about it for a while. No, it's fun. I like talking about it.

It didn't, yeah. We talked. I didn't just not respond. A lot of times when the girl I was seeing and I would go out, like her friends were there as well and i felt like i had to pay and that for her friends like it was just like i did it once and then that kind of like i was like i feel like i have to keep up this like charade and it was just so expensive yeah that's crazy that's that's not that's going above and beyond but i'm sure they appreciated it but then the there were they would buy me

drinks after so like it all came out my wash it canceled out yeah yeah yeah um it is just hard i think with our like with how much we travel though to like actually have anything like here that's like the last i feel like that was the ultimate demise of the aforementioned girl that i went on some dates with it was just like that's been the last two reasons that i've stopped seeing yeah people is that i they're like i never see you it's like i'm gone every weekend and then i'm like exhausted when i'm here yeah and it kind of blows the uh the girl that i was seeing this fall we have like i i was uh in the room and brian was on facetime with her roommate and they were talking about how that girl went on a double date and i hadn't thought about the girl then i got

really jealous for five seconds then i was like oh i don't know yeah rewind it back to the days of chillaxing on the beach and all day fun with spring break on draft kings casino play exclusive games like fan fave rocket the excitement is endless the vibes are right and the cash prizes could be huge new players start playing with just five bucks and get 100 back instantly in casino credits download the app and use code playdate to book your one-way ticket to fun with DraftKings casino the crown is yours gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.1800gambler.net in connecticut help is available for problem gambling call 888-789-777 or visit ccpg.org please play responsibly 21 plus physically present in connecticut michigan new jersey

pennsylvania west virginia only void in ontario eligibility and other restrictions apply one per opted in new customer five dollar wager required max 100 in casino credits awarded which require one time play through within 168 hours see terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos restrictions apply let's get back into this episode of podcasting are you guys jealous people yeah uh if i really like someone i get like furious if they're with someone else inside i wouldn't like yeah i wouldn't like say anything about it yeah i not i wouldn't say generally but i do remember there's one yeah there's one time i can think of the one what you've told me this sorry i don't i'm almost positive i have not really yeah then i'm thinking of a different

time you're jealous maybe not jealous but mad oh that oh that was a whole that's a whole different piece but in terms of like jealousy over things that like you shouldn't be yeah you know what i mean like when it's like you have no right to be yeah but you just feel that like heartbreaking like i will i will say i'm not jealous if i'm like with the person like i've never been like yeah i've never been like worried about like out and like a guy talking to them and being like like jealous at all yeah no that's never but i think that's more a testament to like their character where you're like yeah that's a good enough person like they're a good enough person if you trust them that i know they wouldn't do you get jealous if you're out with the t-man

and some girl like touches his arm no i kind of like it's kind of like flattering almost yeah i'm like yeah i know he's hot yeah yeah he is pretty hot he's hot he's hot as balls he's pretty hot i fucking love that or like one time we were at like a bar together and like this girl was like you guys are such a cute couple i was like yeah it's like that's a nice compliment yeah i feel like it's more endearing when like if you're to be a girl whose boyfriend is getting hit on than it is to be a guy a guy whose girlfriend is getting hit on because it's like like obviously your girlfriend's gonna get hit on girls are like a little more like you know if a girl's coming up your boyfriend like that means he's hot as balls i know i feel bad for every girl i dated for that

reason because it's just like sometimes i go out and it's like stay away you have to beat him off with a stick yeah my grandma used to always say that she'd be like she'd be like you must be beating him off with a stick and i'm like no i'm not beating i'm not beating anything the last thing i would beat anyone off with is a stick for the record i'm not beating any i'm not beating girls off i'm not beating myself off all right let's do him on the asshole wait i like talking yeah I kind of want to keep talking. What should we talk about next? Yeah, I always count our lucky stars

that we have a very regimented podcast because I feel like we would just get in here and talk about nothing. Yeah. If it wasn't structured. I miss the T-man. How's he doing? He's doing well.

He's at, well, I guess... Coachella. Yeah, we're pre-recording this. Does he have abs? Does he have abs? Yeah, he has a good body. I mean, not like... okay i'm just cutting this out you're keeping this uh yeah he's he works out but does he have

like does he have like washboard abs oh no fuck that'd be so tight if he did no do you remember do you remember when you were like in middle school do you remember thinking it was cool when like veins started to come on your arms and you like want like that was like a cool thing dude i've i think we were in two different i was a sophomore in high school begging for armpit hair oh really yeah i had chest hair in sixth grade yeah different seventh seventh grade seventh grade i i had to wear undershirts during all my freshman year basketball games because i didn't have any armpit hair oh really i remember b i remember doing it for the opposite reason because you had too much armpit hair no like like we all thought it was like embarrassing to like show

your armpit hair in basketball oh really mine was like the like everyone else had it and i was just like a smooth little baby seal it's kind of i feel like now with my manscaped lawnmower um all right let's hear some am i the assholes oh wait did you do a pitch what do you put oh no i didn't pitch yet mine's really bad i'll say i'll pitch it yeah it sucks though i'm sorry i fucking couldn't think of anything all right what's like what's the worst part about the morning uh how how how awful i feel getting out of your comfy cozy bed cold kind of cold outside your bed it's like all the things you have to do before you're like ready to leave the house like it's never you can't just like roll out yeah you gotta like shower fucking brush your teeth like put

lotion on bucket of deodorant drink your coffee take your poops all all the all the fun stuff uh what did i name this thing i don't know ready in a jiff does all the worst parts of your morning for you simply get in the glass box like i think it has like stirrups maybe it's like you like say wallace and gromit yeah like and it just like sprays your body down with like soapy water dries you off just like sprays your mouth like toothpaste water um like dries you off whatever uh slides your boxers on in like a t-shirt and then i think it like gives you a cup of coffee and you're just on your merry way. Yeah.

Sold. I like it. Let's do some Am I the Asshole? Okay. This one. Is this a phone call one? No. He said we could call him,

but do we want to do two calls or just one? Yeah, let's just. Okay, let's just do one. Wait, read the one that we're definitely going to call them. You want me to do that one first? And then we can do the second one and see if we want to also call him. The boy who lived.

Come to die. do you want to get lunch after this you watched me eat right before this that was your lunch what do you eat skinny fucking legend over here avocado toast one piece of avocado toast with with a freaking garden i've been on i've been on a health kick i've with that looks good i've been well i've been yeah i've been exercising more and i've been eating healthy and like watching my nice i've trimmed down a little bit i've been trying to but then the problem is i get at night and i all i can do is i once i start snacking i just don't buy i have no snacks i know but i i will postmate snacks but i don't have them yeah that's yeah i mean there's enough hoops

that i like stop myself here's the thing is like i just i just need to be comfortable like not doing anything during the week like i'll be like i'm bored and like take an edible and then i'm just like oh i'm gonna eat my entire cabinet and all the walls yeah yeah that'll yeah okay um so this guy his story i'm not gonna say his name in this he says it when we call him starts well it's a good k name like a funny crump kyle kyle kyle hey lauren i have an am i the asshole story about whether or not i spurred my friend to cheat on his fiancee spurred the cause yeah in a threesome with a swinger and myself while her husband whoa whoa wait wait sorry you gotta start that went from like zero to a hundred it's a fucking storm so he's he's wondering whether

or not he's an asshole for spurring his friend to cheat on his fiancee and a threesome with a swinger okay and myself while her husband watched would love to call in to discuss central yeah oh and he said central pa native like willie d can i just say oh yeah we're gonna be able to tell ones we call them i don't know if i buy this right off the bat i know all right let's find out Really? Dude, that's a wild story. Also, I got a lot of questions. Let's just call.

Yeah, let's just call this white ass. Or, I don't know if he's white. He actually is. He put his, like, put his race. White. I hope it's not a lie. Does he know we're calling him? Yeah, I told him.

I said, I said we're going to call at, uh, wait a minute. i mean it's been an hour since one i think he answered yo yo how's it going doing well how are you fellas good how are you you out you in that 717 right now uh no so what 717 is that lancaster yeah no no fuck lancaster and their fake hollywood amish i was in uh central pa like north of harrisburg oh okay i've been there too what could you tell us can you tell us uh you know a little bit about yourself and what your problem is yeah yeah sure so um this uh this happened like a couple years back now and um still kind of feel badly about it so my my buddy was uh engaged to be wed and uh they did end up getting married so like i was

good there but still feel a little guilty uh we were we were out at a local watering hole um and he came over to me and was like hey man uh this older woman just asked me to go to her hotel with her and i was like dude that's sick awesome um and he was like yeah i i obviously can't do it i'm engaged i was like oh well i'm not engaged um and he was like all right well she gave me her number i'll text her see if she'd be all right with you and i was like okay cool um so she texts back she's like yeah i'll i'll do it but like paul i'll call my buddy paul like i need you to come because i didn't talk to your friend myself and uh he was like all right so i'll drive you to the hotel and i was like perfect so we're driving and uh

i had some refreshment refreshments by then uh and he paul says to me like oh by the way dude the husband's cool with it i was like huh um and how much older are we talking uh i was like fresh out of college i was like 22 she was probably like 50 nice is she hot she was like okay but she kind of looked like a little bit like one of my teachers from high school yeah i'm right there with you you know what i mean yeah i know exactly what you mean yeah yeah yeah yep so um after he dropped the ball or dropped the bomb of like the husband being cool with it i was like this is weird but you know i'm pretty drunk by this point and fresh out of relationship looking for a little strange so um i was cool i was cool with it so we get to the hotel and uh husband and wife come out

and the wife just goes immediately to my buddy paul starts chatting with him so i'm talking to the husband he's like yeah we're in town for a pat benatar concert i was like sick dude love is a battlefield and and uh i was like hey i'm i'm gonna go introduce myself and he's like yeah yeah go ahead so i walk over and i see that paul is like kissing the wife i was like oh that's that's a no-no um but she turns to me and um she's like hey and i said hi and she's like we we all have to go in um or this won't work out and paul was like yeah that's fine don't worry about it i was like okay uh so we we walk in in pairs they they were like if we don't walk in two by two the lobby people get weird and i was like okay wait wait time out that's a made up are you guys going to

like a swingers party no no this is just a hotel it's just the two of them yeah that's not a rule they they they swindled you but carry on i don't know i don't know it was very oh was it one of those two by two hotels was it the noah's ark hotel type thing oh it was like a hampton inn wait they were saying they were saying they wouldn't let you into the hotel unless there two of you yeah i i was confused by that as well but like i again i was pretty drunk so sure and the husband was like you want a cigarette i was like of course so we stood out there smoked a dart and then uh walked in so i walk in my buddy paul is just sitting in this dark room watching the news um on a couch and uh the husband takes a seat in the corner i sit next to paul on

the couch and the wife walks out in like some, some lingerie type stuff. And, uh, she, she goes, Hey, so, uh, what are we doing boys? And I, uh, you know, pulled, uh, pulled my, my, my dick out and then things, uh, things started going and, um, all joined in at one point. And, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, this, this just, this shouldn't really be happening. Um, And then I actually looked over into the corner in the darkness, in the shadows, where the husband was sitting. And he was just cranking down. Ah. Yeah.

But, yeah, so finished up. And then I put my clothes on. Paul's still going at it. And the husband's like, you want to leave? And I was like, yeah, I really do. So I was like, let's see if you can smoke a cigarette. And we got in the hall. And he's like, so how was she?

I was like, yeah, I mean, it was good. yeah yeah nice and uh i was like yeah that's why i married her i was like you are fucking weird brother uh but uh go downstairs smoke a cigarette paul comes out and drives me home and we uh we didn't say a word about it um until the next day and he was like dude what happened that was crazy i i don't remember anything i must have been blackout i was like you drove us friend but um yeah uh um holy shit can i ask you a question yeah there's no paul didn't tell his wife i'm assuming i uh i think he did she she was giving me some negative glances at the wedding um but uh yeah i i'm pretty sure he did and he might have said like he was roofied or something but

again he was driving and that's not really something you can do off of her head so yeah oh man there's a lot there's a lot to unpack well i don't think it sounds like he he orchestrated every step of this i don't think you're the asshole no well i mean but but i don't think it would have happened had i not said like oh well i'll go with you and yeah but you didn't know you didn't know that text dinner yeah you were under the impression that you were gonna get down on some strange and that paul was gonna just be the the driver yeah i was thinking like i'd fly solo in this you would just kind of camp out in the truck right yeah it was also like you i mean you started as a solo mission it sounds like paul kind of tagged himself in like it wasn't

like you were like yeah hey get in here yeah yeah i i didn't expect him to be going up to the hotel yeah can i here's a follow-up question um yeah did this how did this affect your and paul's friendship um not not as bad as i expected like we're still we were closer but um you know we're we're still in a uh fantasy league together so that yeah that is good um yeah but uh but yeah i'm pretty sure the wife still kind of has it out for me that's probably fair too both ways yeah because i'm sure whatever story she heard you're definitely the bad guy in yeah and you that is the one thing even if you're not the asshole you got to eat that yeah yeah i do think i do think you ask paul to go get a beer and while you guys are sitting there you're like hey like we didn't

really we never really talked about this like what went down back there yeah we uh we've discussed it and it's just it's it's more we don't really dive into it we just kind of look at each other and we're like you remember when yeah yeah happened yeah because like i think i think if that happened to will and i would it would put a drive a pretty big wedge between us i don't know if i'd want to look at you i don't think people will listen to the podcast i think the chemistry would be gone yeah yeah yeah i i'd agree uh yeah no we're definitely not as close as we once were but uh yeah does he live in the does he live in the same area as you um i moved to philly so i'm no longer now hell yeah all righty um well that was wild yeah that was great all right we're

gonna we're gonna let you go we're gonna keep talking about it a little bit but uh you can hear it on here on the pod next week yeah for sure hey appreciate you guys hearing me out yeah man thanks for sharing yep bye all right we'll see you bye that's crazy so he him and paul went to paris yeah i mean i can't believe that's crazy i can't believe he called into our podcast and said that i'm just thinking about the residual like what if paul heard this i don't have paul's wife is a playmate yeah yeah like there's still major fallout that could come from this but it won't won't we use aliases um i just i've never under i mean my main thing he's definitely not dazzled

but like you're a nice guy seem like a nice guy but my thing has always been like i don't understand the allure yeah i don't of a devil's three-way respectfully if you were naked in a room with me i would not have any ability to be naked no i would like wrap myself in the carpet if i had to like i couldn't be naked in the same room as this guy yeah i mean that hurts a little bit but uh that's showbiz dude it's life in the big city i i yeah i just don't understand it i never have i don't even understand really the two girls one guy thing like i i think that even that would be overwhelming for me yeah i get pretty overwhelmed when it's just me so i can't even imagine yeah um all right that was that was insane kind of threw me off all right next one yeah

okay um not the asshole here this am i the asshole is kind of turning into just like call in and tell us a cool story yeah like i think none of these people really think they're asshole but i don't care i kind of like i don't care either as long as it's a good story are you tired of classic rough and rigid jeans crushing up all on your nuts are you wearing oversized jeans that make you the laughingstock of your office at your bar you probably you probably are today's sponsor the perfect jean finally solved all of your denim difficulties they make a great looking perfectly fitting jean i personally like the way they hug my little tuchus uh they make six fits from skinny to thick thick and have a waist from 26 all the way to 50 for guys like me

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little bit i never told her my feelings until one night when i had down 12 beer 12 beers and two blunts and she's all right i was reading a text can you share yeah am i the asshole for telling a girl my feelings that i work with she had a boyfriend when we first met um that she didn't bring up i never told her my feelings until one night when i had downed 12 beers and two blunts and she sent me a picture of her and her friend kissing she admitted to also having feelings and ended up breaking up with her boyfriend which she claims wasn't because of me her brother is now threatening me and her ex-boyfriend is dming me asking why i did it Should I respond to him or not?

Because I feel like he won't like any answer. Wait, so he didn't even initiate this? No. He didn't even tell us what he said. He told her that he had the same feelings? No, no, he initiated it. She just sent a picture and he said that he had feelings and then she admitted that she did too.

Oh. She sent a picture to her co-worker of her and her friend kissing? Yeah. That's pretty awesome. Ah, man. um i i kind of always err on the side of caution where it's like i don't think even if i don't think you should ever tell someone who has a partner that you have feelings for them i don't think that ever ends well so i don't think that you're necessarily the asshole i feel like we

need more confidence i think i'm gonna let you take the reins on this one i feel like he's kind of an ass because i never i mean you never tell someone who has a boyfriend or girlfriend that you like them i don't agree yeah um but she sent a picture that was after though oh read it again read this no she sent a picture of them kissing and then he confessed his feelings no no no read it again that was that was all after read the timeline again am i an asshole for telling a girl my feelings that i work with she had a boyfriend when we first met that she didn't bring up i never told her my feelings until one night when i had down 12 beers and two blunts and she's time out and she sent me a picture i'm right i'm right but he said that he didn't know

that she had a boy first at when they first met at this point she knew and then she sent him a picture and then he responded 100 i don't know why this is so confusing to you guys i i think the last story like turned my brain upside down listen i'm i'm in i'm in a bit of a glass house situation um so i'm not gonna cast any stones why have you done this i'm not gonna i am not gonna talk i'm not i just wait what yeah yeah you yeah i shouldn't do that you shouldn't have done that but you were really drunk and sometimes we must live with our mistakes did you do this no we're not we're not talking about this i can't talk about it you told the girl that was in a relationship that you liked her yeah honestly make a boner noise no that's like in the office

there's a scene where they're like if something weird happens make a funny sound and kevin just goes boing um wait what happened i'm not you can't we have a we're on a podcast and you brought it up i was just saying like i i you know i'm not going to talk about how did it end for you i'm not going to talk about it i'm sorry it's people that i care about are involved like real lives that might listen to this podcast so i just didn't i also didn't want to like have a take on this where it was just like yeah hypocritical so i'll just admit that i've i say i say even if she had a boyfriend sometimes i i think it's very rare that it would be smart to tell a co-worker yeah that it's never the right right it's never the right move he was 12 years deep and two months

deep so i'm sure that he wouldn't have yeah yeah that brother was crossed um i mean yeah it's never a good thing but yeah it sounds like i mean the fact that i don't know like sending her sending a picture of them kissing before he'd say anything is a little weird yeah i think you should just go at hr i don't know i'm joking okay we just got hr today yeah just today almost friday media got our first hr compartment big boner mondays are just canceled yeah i guess like no pants tuesdays are probably off the books i don't know what i was supposed to just stop giving jason wedgies i don't know i have no idea lauren what would you do if you walked in to like a corner and i was just like giving jason an atomic wedgie and i said don't tell anyone this would you tell anyone yes

who would you tell besides will uh would you tell would you tell like emily brian caitlin emily i would tell i would tell everyone you would be like i just watched it i just walked in on i would tell everybody if what everybody in like if i if i was giving jason an atomic wedge like like boxers pulled over his head and i was like don't you fucking say a word yeah i would tell everyone yeah but lauren i think i sent it in the group chat like i just walked in like i just walked on lauren walking in wait do people do that like pull it over the head yeah you've never seen an atomic no why would i have been in that situation ever stand up let's show her have you ever gotten wedgied uh yeah one time did you guys get bullied when you were little no uh yeah and yeah a little

bit in middle school for what just not like no reason i was just small yeah and like that that makes me sad i don't want to talk about that actually my friend uh the sad mood the closest i think the most i can remember was we were at lunch one time and i was eating a snack pack you know like the chocolate pudding my friend chris like squeezed it and it went on my face and i was like just so close to crying i was furious we were in like fourth grade and i was it took everything i had to not cry yeah i the kid who i i won't say i was i never had it like very bad but there was like i remember in middle school just like the like older kids were sometimes like oh the older kids were just were just mean to everyone yeah that wasn't even like bullying

but the one kid that was like the the at the forefront got like a dui and fled into the forest good when we were oh i had heard that story yeah i think it went like i saw the headline when i was in high school i was like all right i don't hate that yeah um am i the asshole was very strange to that yeah yeah um oh wait i actually have a funny story about swingers this okay um you ever swang lauren no swing swang swung have you ever i never swinged uh when i was a server like a few years ago this this it was just kind of wholesome actually this huge group of like 80 year olds all came in like it was in the summer like fresh off a boat and they were like yeah we do swingers parties on the boat or like on boats like come you should come like watch like they were like

hyping it up watch your old asses hard pass they were just lauren's just kicking it with a margarita yeah i don't know get it i just never like had an experience with someone like that they were old too yeah but they're living it up old people love tossing that shit around um all right should we do some drafts or do we teach me something teach me something uh do you know do you know who rasputin is rasputin rasputin someone killed the russian queen yeah i feel like you've talked about him before on this podcast he loves talking maybe i do like him i think he's a cool guy but um basically if you're not familiar he was like this guy from you know like siberia or something and he made his way down to he like kind of

infiltrated the like the the russian royal family by under the guise that he was like this you know all-powerful like mystic basically like their daughter or someone was sick and like they tried everything and nothing worked and then russ budin came over and like did something and i think i think it was probably just a pure coincidence that she got better but like they were like oh my god immediately he is like the most trusted advisor and it's just pissing pissing people off that were like close to the royal family before him because they're just like who's this fucking terrifying looking guy that has like so much power over these people and so a bunch of people conspire to kill rasputin they invite him over for dinner they're giving him cake yeah pull up a

picture this fuck i feel like we talked about this on this podcast before i don't think so i just i had heard this before but i hadn't okay oh that was weird i was making these hands yeah maybe that was like instinctual yeah crazy looking guy but basically i already told you this story yeah i definitely haven't done it through teach me something yeah no no not through i think maybe an early pod or maybe it was just a private conversation just keep going whatever so basically they invite him over they're giving him cake they're giving him wine and it's all laced with like so much cyanide like they were like expecting him to drop dead immediately he just fucking doesn't die yeah so they shoot him still doesn't die they shoot him in the head he

doesn't die and they're like what the fuck like they like people people think he like literally might have been like supernatural whatever so they tie him up beat the fuck out of him throw him in the river jesus and they said like as they're watching him float away he just still wasn't dead But then they found him dead, like, six days later. Isn't that wild? That was a crazy way to go out. I would have rather just the cyanide taken me at that point. Yeah, it's insane.

What a creepo looking dude. Did you ever hear, here's another Russian royal family story. You ever heard about Harry Houdini's trick that he did for them? From you, you've told me about it, but I don't know if it's said on the pod. You ever heard this one? No. Basically, they had, I think it was like the Kremlin bells, and they they hadn't rung in like a hundred years or something and like no one like it was just it

was impossible for them to ring the things had broken and uh houdini was like uh doing a private show for the russian royal family and everyone wrote down like a wish they had put it in a jar and he pulls one out and it's like i wish for the kremlin bells to ring again and they're like Rasputin's like that's not gonna fucking happen and everyone's like they haven't rung in a thousand hundred years or however long it had been and basically when he like

pulled this fake string or he held the string and had the princess pull it and every time he pulled it the Kremlin bells rang and so they were like oh my god he's the greatest musician ever apparently his assistant was just across the street and just shooting the Kremlin bells with a gun

that's awesome and so the bullet was hitting the pretty cool stuff That is good shit. All right, well, teach me something. Wait, when? I have a pretty easy one. When was this? What year?

Like, late 1800s. Yeah, I don't feel like I have a really no time frame on when Harry Houdini was alive. Like, turn of the... You know, he, towards the end, he, like, hated mediums. Like, people who couldn't talk to guys. Oh, yeah, and he just, like, went out of his way to disprove psychics. Yeah, like, because he wanted to get in touch with his, like, mother. Yeah, yeah.

And then he realized they were lying to him. And he spent the rest of his career just proving them wrong. Discrediting, yeah. yeah um here's a fun it's kind of a quick one but it's about the masters which yeah i guess is going on now when you listen to this it'll have just ended rory mcelroy will have just won is my prediction his first masters but from 1943 to 1945 they didn't play the masters because of world war ii there were like not enough guys and instead to assist the war efforts cattle and turkeys were raised on the augusta national grounds for two years that's pretty cool stuff

so they were just like all right not only are we not doing the golf tournament we're raising somehow this is going to help the war effort yeah like that little plot of land needs cattle and turkeys so wait why were you're telling i thought like you would you would think that the professional golfers would not be the one getting something dude elvis went to war yeah but elvis was like 20 something when that happened elvis also like elvis also like went and just like chilled you think the professional golfers weren't there were some in their 20s no i think they were like i mean they all old back in the old days yeah i think everyone was i think you were you were either you were either 9 or 90 yeah i forgot there was no 20s anyway that's my fact about um we drew some

drafts yeah where the masters always in yes yeah georgia georgia our episodes became so long i I kind of like it. Yeah, I know. It's fun. All right, ready? Lauren probably hates it. We have to... No, it's fine.

I think one day we should make like a two and a half hour long one. I'm super down. The Super Bowl. We'll call it. Wait, what? Maybe episode 50. Yeah, episode 50 will be two and a half hours. It'll be five hours.

It'll be... Yeah. Yeah. 50 hours. 50 hours. All right, should we do country songs that don't exist? Yep. All right, these are country songs that don't exist.

Start us off, Rusty. i got slam the door on your way out it's about a toxic relationship and they've just had enough and he's like you know what slam the door on your way out like you always do i love that yeah okay i've got if dirt roads were dollar bills and it's about a guy talking about how he'd be rich if dirt roads were dollar bills nice that's great um oh here's a good one wait um here's a good one meet me in laredo it's about a group of high school seniors from texas and they're all going to their colleges and they're like talking about how they're not

going to forget each other and like come meet me back in laredo after which is where they're from yeah laredo texas uh i've got let me shoot one guy there's a lot of songs where it's like the undertone is like i just want to know what it feels like just let me get one that's it let me shoot one guy just let me have like a reason to shoot one guy i'll know what it's like and that's it and i don't go to jail we call even i really like that one i got all i care about is beer okay so like i feel like a lot of times they're these country songs where they're singing about things that they think are endearing but you're kind of like that's kind of sad you're okay he's he's talking about how all he cares

is cares about his beer and like his wife left him and like his kids left him but like he's still got beer he's happy he's expecting it to be like received a lot better than it is people are like That's sad for him. Yeah. Yeah, no, I like that. I've got higher than a hay bale. Nice. Just about a guy who I guess is really high.

Yep. And that's the analogy he chooses to use, because a hay bale is a country term. Hay bale? Hay bale. A bale of hay. Oh, bale. Hay bale. Yeah.

What don't you understand about what I'm saying? That is not a good country. Wait, I think it is. All righty. I don't like that. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm from...

Can you do a country accent? I can actually do a country accent if you want my... I don't like that. I can, I just feel like this is so much pressure now. Well, I grew up in South Carolina and I went to school there. Give me a sentence to say.

I'll do a better one than him. I was doing a joke one. Meet me at the bar tonight. I'll buy you a drink. Meet me at the bar tonight. I'll buy you a drink. No. All right. No.

All right. My next. What? What? My next one is called I Dreamt I Was a Farmhand. So it's about this guy and he works on Wall Street and he's like has a really nice house and like he has this great life, but he hates, you know, his nine to five job. Yeah.

And every night when he goes to bed, he dreams that he has this simple life as a farmhand. And so all day he's like, he's wishing he was asleep so that he could go back to that simple life. He wishes he was asleep all the time. Yeah. All right. I've got Small Town Friends. This is actually derivative of a, this is a song I was working on over the summer that

turned into that Foreskin song I sang on Almost Friday Pop. But the original lyric was. Can you sing the Foreskin one for the people that haven't heard it? I've never heard this. i'm doing foreskin stuff with my hometown friends making skin flap love like this night won't end i used to hide it now i can't pretend i'm doing foreskin stuff with my hometown friends uh the original version was she's making big time moves with her small town friends trade that old Ford truck for brand new Benz.

Ooh. That's good. I forget what the... There was more to it, I thought, but I don't know. So that's Small Town Friends. It's about a girl. It's actually the exact plot of Morgan Wallen's More Than My Hometown.

Yep. But it's like a girl leaving him for the big city and he can't leave. Nice. I got... She took the house. I got the dog. I love it.

So he gets divorced. She's taking everything from him. he's just talking about his fucking bitch bitch ex-wife that they call this stuff but he still has his dog and his dog care cares about him a lot more than she ever did amen to that uh my last one is if my tractor could talk something about how the tractor is like working all day in the sun and then he's like if my tractor could talk he'd say grab that whiskey and pour me a shot or something like something about how like that's an i like that's i think that's my favorite one yeah good if my tractor could talk man if my tractor could talk all right these are

these are music festivals that do not exist it's festival season all right first up we got marshlands marshlands first up we got marshlands marshlands is a music festival where your feet you're barefoot and your feet are in two to three feet of like boggy water the whole time nice and they turn into prunes but you can jump around in it yeah and there's no bugs there's no bugs or alligators there's no bugs or alligators or anything that could bite you like a normal marshland it's all fake marshland for a concert or they clear it out of bugs and stuff you're you're familiar with la la palooza yeah wait why do you say it like that what lala i think you're gonna say lala lala palooza lala palooza it's not lala palooza what is it

lala palooza lala palooza lala palooza you said you said lala you're saying lala palooza how do you say it lala palooza lala palooza yeah there you go that sounds almost the same as well you said lala palooza fuck oh my god fuck oh well this is gaga palooza no wonder it's a festival for kids by kids it's like nursery rhymes oh that's me lady gaga louie lady gaga performs for the adults at the end to keep them entertained sorry i spoiled it that's fine i've got offshore music festival this one i'm actually pretty stoked about okay it's like float it's actually have you seen the simpsons movie or like green days playing on a barge no

well it's kind of like that but I had sex in high school so when the Simpsons movie was coming out I genuinely didn't did you actually not no

I told you I didn't have armpit hair until I was it's not like a prerequisite she doesn't need to like grab onto your armpit hair I think

I think there is I was a very late there was nothing vertical no but across I didn't have any armpit hair what was she supposed to grab onto I was very late in the blooming process

imagine you're having sex with a girl and she just grabs your armpit hair starts like yanking it okay yanking the offshore festival um the barge what the fuck was that you're like oh my god stop ow ow does it usually hurt this much okay anyway um offshore music festival all the performers play on barges and it's you pull your boat up And then you can kind of, like, boat around to the different stages and stuff. It's pretty cool.

Isn't that a thing in the South already? Do they have something like that? I don't know. I mean, I think there's festivals where maybe you can pull your boats up, but I don't think the bands are usually performing on barges. That would be cool. Like, it's, like, far off the coast. Yeah.

Okay, I got Rabbit Hole. so basically there's like only one entrance and you go into the rabbit hole and the it starts out kind of you know fun and normal but like the deeper you go in like the scarier it gets and it's like really really trippy but it's it's on purpose to weed out like all the posers because like once you go all the way in you break through into this like oasis but like it's not jam-packed because it it like is not for the faint of heart got it and once you get out there it's just like this euphoric place lauren does not like that sounds like a nightmare yeah it sounds like i would have a panic attack yeah weeds out all the posers i'm a poser in that context i'm a poser

too but it's this isn't for that this isn't for our guys like those are for the hard the hard ravers yeah i've got amtrak fest i would go to that moving festival across the country falls the oregon trail oh that's sick there's like performers train you you take the train and then there's performers there's some there's like dj like smaller acts like on the trains but then you stop and there's like a big act like just right off the tracks you stop and like the side of the sidecar like falls down yeah and then there's a concert and then you watch that show and then they close back up you can get a drink you go to the next one that's so sick and you start in new york and you end in san francisco that's awesome um i got john's dad's house

festival oh yes you're it's your buddy john's dad's house fun super low-key vibe uh and the performers are just whoever can connect to the speaker i like that um and it's just like a really chill vibe that's a lot of fun yeah uh i don't know what i went to one like that but it was not his name wasn't john uh reverse music festival okay it's you are up on the stage and all the bands are playing at the same time in the pit so like yeah it's gone a lot are other people yeah like all the you buy tickets and then you go up on the stage and all your favorite bands up to you are playing up to you i love that it's awesome um and you guys rotate out each act that's funny i got yesteryear festival yep time machine takes you 30 30 years into the future you see acts that

don't even exist yet i love that i love that i've got thin air festival nice this one takes place way high up in the sky everyone has oxygen tanks and they're on are you like balloons yeah it's like hot air balloons and then there's like a really presumably they could build a wide enough hot air balloon for a band to play on it definitely yeah so it's that uh my last one is called chest festival uh roommate it's a it's a normal music festival but somewhere on the grounds there's like buried there's like a chest of buried treasure and the acts are awesome but it's like everyone's way more focused on like finding this so it's like just pandemonium attention people are digging and like it's just a it's a fucking fuck fest you ever see like at lalo where they'll like bury the i

think they do it a lot of festivals people like go in advance and bury their alcohol and then dig it up yeah that's all right this is a great episode who are you gonna steal this weekend what personality oh let's start doing that who are you gonna steal who are you gonna steal this week what personality are you still this weekend i'm gonna steal the declaration no i'm gonna come back to me lauren who are you gonna say i don't know either well do you have yeah i'm stealing ben fibus's personality this weekend who's that my buddy my one of my best friends and he's running the boston marathon on monday nice first marathon you know way more people that can run marathons than me i know i know one of my family who has

it what i'm the only one in my immediate family laura and your mom and your dad have also done it yeah holy everyone in my family has run a marathon except me is it weird to drop your sister's name no okay yeah laura laura laura my mom and brother all ran one together like two years ago my mom's like did they invite you or they just knew you weren't gonna do it your mom's 60 she'll yeah not look sexy she's 61 or something i think now no 60 we just had her 60th she's 60 yeah oh we just said my mom's 60th too yeah yeah you know that will's mom invited me and my mom over to a christmas party and my mom talks about it every two weeks really she thought it was such a nice gesture oh thank you yeah that's fun yeah doesn't christmas feel like years ago yeah

like the holidays the best day christmas is every year so happy though or sorry the week leading up to christmas are the six best days of my life and then christmas is like kind of meh no you get unless you get like a killer present yeah um i am gonna go on a similar note to that and i'm gonna steal oh from john's dad's house festival john o'connor i'm gonna steal john o'connor's personality he's just he's just a good vibe a joy sounds great nice guy i don't have a single person i'm gonna steal a really incredible chef's personality oh are you making something no wolfgang puck yes because i just want to like eat really good food this weekend oh yeah liam gave me a cool thing and apparently everyone does this except

for me english muffin pizzas little mini english muffin pizzas you put sauce on it you put shredded cheese and you put it in the oven he was like i've been making these for a while i don't know about that great idea i'm gonna try like bagel bites bagels i'm gonna go get a fucking fire lunch what are you gonna get uh dude i've been getting influenced by like i've been like getting influenced by commercials more lately so like i was on the couch last night and i was like what do i want to eat and then a chipotle commercial came on and i didn't realize that that's what made me do it until it came on for a second time while i was eating the chipotle um you know i feel like i go out of my way to not let them influence like if i wanted chipotle and then saw a commercial

I'd be like fuck I usually I usually do that I think it was like through osmosis I was looking at my phone um oh and then Caucasian James has been doing like Taco Bell ads and it looks so good the new cantina menu yeah fuck we should bleep that out because I I would do a Taco Bell sponsorship that'd be great do you think they'd sponsor us I don't know let's find out let's talk to um Herb said I might get a Guinness sponsorship that would be cool it's Herb no oh yeah it's Herb I think it's Herb. No, it's Herb. Herb is like the thing in the garden.

No, it's Herb. The guy is Herb. I remember I didn't say his name in a meeting, so I was too scared I was going to say it Like Herb Brooks. Oh. Okay. Herb. Anyway, Lauren also said she'll come for one drink because her thing's not until 630, so

we're all going to hang out outside of work for the first time ever. She just exhaled like she did not want to do that. Did you say you were going to? No. You have your car here, right? I just don't want to move my car and then... What? What the fuck?

Can I drive over there and park my car over there? Yeah. Yeah. There's parking. And you can give us a ride. You know what? I don't even... Who else is going to be there?

No, you can come next time. Who else is going to be there? It's probably just us. No, well, no. Joe and Brett are coming, I think. Oh, really? Pretty sure. Oh, did you text them?

I texted them before the podcast, and I haven't looked since. Nice. Who's Brett? Joe Craven and Brett. Brett. Well, I don't know his last name. What's Brett's last name? Brett Bowfinger.

Bowfinger. Okay, maybe I'll come. Oh, and Sam's coming. Sam is? I think the powers said they might too It's gonna be fun You don't have to You can still have Will's half of the invitation

But I'm rescinding mine Because I want you to be enthused the first time When you hang out with us outside of work I want you to be like doing backflips Yeah Next time I ask you to hang out if you don't do a standing backflip I'm gonna fucking freak out Alright I gotta go

Alright we love you guys Have a great rest of your week and a good weekend and we will see you again on Wednesday. Peace. Peace.