Will & Rusty's Playdate - live from chicago

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

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your mic setup is ridiculous yeah look these are my new glasses looks like you're gonna shoot i can see my women's tops with them through they get me top you can see you can see their tops yeah they're they're kind of hey lucas no reels while we're trying our producers are just watching reels out loud uh stop shut up we're doing the podcast we had a quote rest day in midwest month yesterday and uh lucas and i went and got shit canned so yeah i i uh that's okay i think you said it best yourself you you guys just recharge a little differently how lucas and i recharge on our off days is actually none of your guys fucking business uh we also are like we got like a weird mic setup so we're doing it on these like yeah not the right mic so if it sounds like a little

different we're sorry we're sorry and there's a guy you can blame but i think it's like a it's like a title nine issue if i told you right is that what title nine is no now it makes it sound like it's binder oh no no it's not binder because title nine's women it's not andrew i thought title nine's like everybody like if if i get to play basketball you have to be able to play like what you want to play right isn't that what title nine is i i thought it was that like schools had to allocate like the same amount of resources like men's and women's yeah yeah so like if i want to play basketball there has to be a opportunity for you to do the thing that you want right i mean I guess that's like the logic behind it.

What are you saying? That's like the law? If you want to play basketball, I get to do whatever I want. I'm allowed to talk about it. Title IX is the law that says if you play basketball, I get to do whatever I want. You know what Title IX means? If a guy's playing basketball, you get to do whatever you want. Dude, we have met.

I want to just give a quick shout out to all the playmates we've met in the Midwest. There are more playmates here than I think non-playmates. it feels like there are more people 40% of the Midwest is a playmate do you know that the Cubs

mascot smacked me on the ass and said love the pot is that true yeah I said you can't fucking talk buddy you can't talk to me

like if I if I fucking told the bosses if I told the if I told if I told Pete Crow Armstrong about that

did you see a guy pulled like a Pete Crow Armstrong patch card where they like cut a patch of his jersey out and it was the apostrophe

or it was the hyphen oh that's funny some people will get an A or the Cubs logo and you just got the apostrophe

of Pete Crow Armstrong that's kind of awesome we went to the Cubs game last night as you probably picked up on it was the best baseball game

I think I've ever been to they were down three runs in the bottom of the ninth they had two hits all game

they were playing horrible and then they just turned on the Jets and they walked it off PCA walk off

two outs in the bottom of the ninth about as beautiful of a game as you can and Wrigley in the bleachers is fucking electric literally the best seat in the house I was shocked Lucas how much were those tickets $400

$90 each for a Wednesday that's more expensive than I would have thought yeah that's crazy can I confess something that I did at the Cubs game that I'm not proud of there was a beer snake happening in front of me and on two separate occasions

I just wanted to be a part of it so I poured out the last, like, inch of my beer and just went and got another one. Why would you just drink it? It was flat, and I was like, this is the perfect storm where I can pour it out and I have a thing. What I didn't realize... Just pour it out, like, on the ground?

Like, under my feet. It was literally, like, an inch, maybe. Yeah. I guess it was probably three ounces of beer. You poured three ounces of beer? Of course. You know there's kids starving in Japan. Lucas and I had a three-way bet going with his buddy.

a menage a menage a bet i don't know and uh and my we all picked like a oh a menage a bet sorry i was confused about sorry we all we all picked like you had to pick a very specific thing you thought was gonna happen at the game and the winner gets five bucks for everybody and lucas's was uh lucas's was what was it lucas bomb threat yeah lucas said the manager gets thrown up mine was someone gets hit by a foul ball so hard they have to leave the game and and lucas's buddy guessed that someone was gonna tumble quote tumble down the bleachers so when the beat and it was it was a puerto rican heritage night yep there was a group of lovely puerto rican ladies in front of us that were having a blast and there was one that i was

like lucas's friend is gonna win this bet she was like getting hammered she was leading the cup snake charge she was like a little top heavy and i was like the perfect storm and she's gonna go you know any minute now and you were just praying a foul ball caught her at the right time and she didn't end up falling so no one won i don't think anyone won that is a bummer someone did get hit by a foul ball but it looked like they were okay you could have probably just said that as your thing someone gets hit by a ball well that's like a sure thing hit i mean if it hits you in the hands oh sure yeah yeah um dude the guy in front i was with a playmate and his brother and you know how the players come out of the bullpen and uh like throw balls up yeah he threw

ball right at us like it was good if this kid didn't touch it it was gonna land right in my mitts and he just stone hand it right in front right into the guy in front of us and i kept telling him i was i was pretty drunk at this point i go these things he was really sad these things just happen dude my brother i don't think i talked about this on the podcast i showed you that clip though yeah that's walked it last friday night and that's hit a walk-off home run oh and he dropped and it literally went right through his hands i was watching on tv she went you can i'll play we'll play the clip I'll send it to Andrew

does it hurt to catch a home run ball are they coming in pretty hot it's like the adrenaline of catching a home run ball like like I can

like it hurts to catch a baseball like your buddy throws at you yeah but at least a home run ball is like coming down yeah it has like

some backspin I guess or I think more just like it's like on it's downward but also maybe the backspin could be kind of a factor

I think my I'm kind of coming out So you're thinking... I'm coming at it from more of kind of a backspin. The backspin, right, yeah. So that could kind of be it as well. Do you think there's a world where maybe the backspin's a factor?

Wait one second, let me ask my glasses. Right now I can see your crotch with these glasses. Bro. These glasses let me examine every vein on your balls. Okay. How many are there? 47. Wrong.

You know, those kids that, like... I think we've talked about this, but, like, being random is the funniest thing. like they were walking and be like catch up yeah there was a kid

who for the record that shit used to be awesome it was gas yeah it was so funny this kid walked in I was

to this day like the grossest thing I've ever said he was just trying to be like as crazy and random as he could be and he was sitting next to me

and he goes imagine all the he goes imagine all the beans and his balls are like spaghetti and you ate them I was like

what are you talking about They transferred And that was role model That was Actually I don't want to put it Maybe he's like On blast

Andrew bleep Andrew bleep the next thing I say Scream the n-word Grocery store That one would have gotten you cancelled man You can't say grocery store Oh whoa whoa whoa What grocery

Stop dude Classic classic I don't want I don't want your feet over here I don't want your feet over here

I don't want your feet over here I don't want your feet over here it's like the new 6-7 dude I

saw a video of the do you see this the Pope's like obsessed with 6-7 now they can't stop

doing it that has gotta be that can't be Are you kidding me? It's the only thing that's got me back in church. Would you go to church if this was the Bible? If 6-7 was the Bible and Skibidjot was the Eucharist?

And the communion was a feastable. What is it called? Feastable. Feastable beast. Would you go to... Okay, let me ask you this. Would you go to church if the Eucharist was a lunchly? Is that like the...

That's like Mr. Beast and Logan Paul's Lunchables. guys would you go to this church if if john cena was the was the priest and the wine was prime and the and the blood of christ was prime and the nuns were living on living on living on would you guys would you go would you go confession if it living on was there do you think we're bad guys yeah this is the worst thing we've ever done this is the worst guy looked over expecting caleb to be like crying laughing he was just stonewall stonewall stonewall jack i thought that was hilarious he's watching fucking the pope six seven eight it's crazy okay we got why were you were watching

that so intently like you were watching it like it's like studying like it was like research it's the word it's like at work it's the word of God I was going to say that we also went to Milwaukee Milwaukee rocks Milwaukee was cash

Milwaukee was cash the Brewers game was sick they did the tarps off section that's going viral yeah you were like Mr. Mr. Nipple you were like the mayor of Nippletown

mayor of Nippleton Nippleton yeah you don't say the W right and yeah I was the mayor of Nippletown.

Nippleton. Right. Sorry. Fuck. And. Do you meet any good guys? Yeah. I met this guy, Andrew.

Oh, he gave you the Andrew's friend? He gave me a jersey that says Andrew's friend. That's awesome. Because just he loves the podcast. And he wanted it to be like for our producer. Yes. Right. Andrew.

Speaking of our lovely producer, Andrew. Andrew picked up a FaceTime today from Caleb, who's standing in for him. and he goes hey what's up i'm naked right now but what's up like why he's like you want to go over the equipment for the pot he's like oh yeah let's do it i never got dressed yeah is that isn't that like his thing he like walks around he said he cooks naked yeah because yeah because sometimes he said the oil splashes on his charlie browns his his penis and balls are just like like mangled they're scorched from just years of hot oil charlie brown hitting his charlie browns Oh my God, I was looking at my balls in the shower.

They do look like Charlie Brown because they're like that shape and then they have like little scraggly hairs coming off of them. Yeah, mine look, I call mine my Snoopies because they are white, they're white and black spots and they sit on top of the dog house. My gooch.

I call mine. Call yours your pig pens. Lucy's, the way they pull back up into me when it's cold. I don't get it. Something about like her pulling the football, pulling balls. Oh, Lucy's the girl. Girl.

Got it. Girl. I call them Lucy's the way. I call them Charlie Brown's parents the way they got girls going, wah, wah, wah, wah. Like you don't even know what the parents say. It's like wah, wah. Are we doing, we're doing like

the Charlie Brown Hummer section? I got that Charlie Brown parent last night where she was humming on it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God. We're fucking weirdos. We need to be put down. What did you do last night? I came home after the game, and the bathroom's in my room,

and you guys, people were coming. It was like a fucking hostel. I had people coming in and out at 3 a.m. waking me up. What were you guys up? Don't get up. Don't worry about it. What were you guys doing? it we went we went to the game what the fuck was that's what i did too i was saying after the game

fuck was funny about we were all one second we got the penis gallery lucas isn't allowed to watch reels for a fucking hour and a half makes fun of me for going to baseball games now i went to the game and when we go down to the i go down to the first floor to get a beer and i run into luke's crew like by by chance i was like yo and right as i said that a woman screams it's like ah oh my god i just screamed but i blew the guy just pooped my pants are you serious i farted so that's different oh those are different yeah god all right um it's like a square is a rectangle thing yeah yeah a woman screams and i look to my left and my one of my childhood best friends Morgan Stewart

is standing right there wow with say it with me Zoe Kravitz Victorine who is Peter Buell's

friend from home so my childhood friend and Peter Buell's childhood friend and Peter Buell's your friend from college Peter Buell's my best friend

one of my best friends from college and our two two of our like lady friends from high school how do they know each other they lived together

because of you guys they went to college together and then figured out that we knew each other and now they live together in this beautiful city we call chicago and so we go out to the bars with them after oh my god i forgot about this lucas and i lucas and i and our fucking henchmen walk into this bar lucas runs with a crew of henchmen they're all goons yeah they're awesome though we go in we get four beers

and i go to hand them two to lucas's buddies and one of them puts his hand it's completely around the beer so i let go and he just never gripped it and it just remember when that happened at epcot and it was my fault say how the turntables have wait oh the iphone thing yeah you were like i didn't have my i hadn't gripped it and now you're on the other side when i that's true that's true you got it yeah you got to wait for him to take it out of your hand and it just didn't break so i just handed a glass it was a glass Michelob and i just handed it back to the bartender i go i dropped this one on the ground and she just gave me the moment. Wow. For free.

No charge. None. No charge. I had pizza. Luke Knoll told me to his favorite pizza place and the pizza was like ridiculous. Had like the most toppings I've ever had on it. It was so good. You just took shit in front of me.

What? You just shit in front of me. No, did you? You fart? No. They're different now though, right? Well, it's like a square is a rectangle. Oh, thank God. so let me get this straight all poop fart but not all fart poop all fart poop when lucas does it it's all poop though right i've had a few all poop farts and let me tell you i've also i've also had a few all fart poops it was a hundred percent poop having your fart be zero percent air it's a hundred percent solid poop we were laughing

yesterday i took a poop so long it went down the drain and popped up the guys below us came out back up the top of the toilet did i tell you when you hear oh it's like you could hear it pushing the lid of the top did i tell you when we were kids there was like a up what was that was the case was getting in my way okay just don't i don't like when you like move like that when i get angry like um there was a serial double or uh upper decker in maine did i tell you this no hit all these different cumberland farms he's pooping in the top of the toilet you know what you don't an upper decker yeah it's in the office you'd be pooping the

thing and then when you flush it it your poop like replaces the clean water it's hilarious but he was doing it at i think it was a at the time jonesy's but it has since become a cumberland farms and uh i always wanted to shake that guy's hand so you got none of the glory you know he was just he was just ruining people's clean flushes for the love of the game yeah i mean i guess maybe he'll like come out at some point and like get the glory yeah the statute of limitations up do you think that here's the deal so this is our job right this is what we do for a living right oh speaking of which there's a guy who who clocked in in maine at cumberland farms and right is the first thing he has to do is clean up a guy who outprotected before it's a

nightmare that is not that doesn't seem fair it's not what kind of god would make that happen do you like my next blanket set up though yeah i do i'm i'm gonna be honest i don't really want the next or i do not want the next one wait really yeah i find them not very likable this This Knicks team is so likable. This Knicks team is likable. But I don't like the guys that support the Knicks. I also find the Spurs extremely likable. So now I'm stuck between a rock and a soft place.

And obviously I'm going to go with it. Yeah, but it's like the Spurs are going to get like a million chances to win a championship. You think? Yeah. They're all like 12. I think Wemby could win 25. Yeah. His legs and his arms are so dull.

Finals. Also, the Knicks are just like they're playing like as a team. like they're just like a cool team to be good yeah i guess i'm just you know i like to i like to stick up for the little guy wemby yeah he's like the least little guy i've ever met he might be is he the tall who's the caleb google tallest guy ever it's yaoming no it's not wemby's taller than yaoming no it's like some guy in china wasn't there a guy named like wallace or something that I was kind of close. He's that English guy?

Eight feet and 11 inches. I call bullshit. He's an American from Illinois. I bet a guy eyeballed it. He's an American from Illinois? Thank God. Can we go visit his grave? It's like huge.

It's a plot of land. It's like a whole cemetery. A parking spot. my grandparents have had their grave plot with their name like their headstone with their name on it since i've been alive it just doesn't have that all they need to do is what do you mean oh they're not dead they're not dead god they have to do is just chisel in the the the death date it's kind of scary isn't that funny what if they go to see it one day and the death date is already chiseled in boom movie idea stephen king book it's pretty good right dude i was just watching

a Stephen King book show. Is that cash? I. Oh, yeah, you're watching that 11, 23. Oh, nice. I loved it. That was quick.

Dude, I was sat in a hotel room in Milwaukee. You do these things to yourself. I just want to be on the record about this. We leave you. We did film at the Brewers game.

The fuck? It was like a witch hunt? Yeah, it's a witch hunt. Can I do the witch hunt? Yes. You had a day to yourself in Milwaukee and the next day you were like, oh my God, I'm so happy to see people. I was having a really hard day yesterday.

I was losing my mind in that hotel room. I was like, no one can find you to the hotel room. I can find myself in the hotel room because here's the deal. Papa was nursing a little hangover. I was a little sad. I had a good show to watch and I was new in town. so i didn't have any one i didn't know anyone to go hang out with you knew that one remember that waitress we had at that italian place oh my wait irish place there was this waitress that i

think it might have been she was the loveliest woman of all time it might have been her first time on earth that day yeah she served uh two beers to eat i wasn't drinking she gave us our first beer there were four of us first beer she drops off sorry there's four of us at the table I'm not drinking so three beers she brings over for the other guys and we'll get to water

and I get to water and she drops them off and she goes man these guys are getting fucked up and you're just you're gonna have to you're gonna have to drive

these guys are getting fucked up yeah alright it was one beer and then she brought the second beer dropped the second beer off

and was like alright now you have to drive these guys are hammered we were like do you not it wasn't like you guys are gonna get hammered she's like

these guys are hammered yeah I was like what are you doing right now we've had two beers i think she might think beer is like vodka it's just like oh my god a full glass a two glasses that way they were all on the rocks oh and then you guys ordered salads and she was like i don't even know how to describe this she was like it's basically the gist of it was there was a dispute on whether or not they were gonna get chicken on the thing and so she goes they go never mind let's just get the regular salads and she brought them like two mugs of salad and then brought caleb the biggest chicken

one of all time it was fine but she was i mean she was lovely i was i tried to get her snapchat but she uh i tried to get her venmo yeah i tried to get her venmo because i i didn't tip her but But yeah, I couldn't get it. Then we went to a bar crawl. We crawled all around Milwaukee and we

did... We got fucking trashed. The best part of it was we're walking down the street and I hear this thumping. And I was like, okay, we obviously should go was there and will was like now let's go to this other bar that is on the list no we had it was on the list it was like four different bartenders had recommended it we were asking them where to go

and then tell them what happened when you walk so i'm like we're like literally at it's we're 50 feet from the entrance and he hears like it's down the street and he's like i want to go to that i was like no and then we're like all right we're splitting up so me and we have two on this midwest where we have two guys with us lucas and caleb we get two guys we get two guys so it's a one-to-one ratio we each have a handler yeah uh so caleb was my handler caleb essentially puts caleb puts a metaphorical monkey backpack on me that like those kids have at theme parks so they can't run away from their parents caleb and i went to the jmos and you guys went to the garage right and we're like all right we'll we'll film both separately and like see

what's who was right i'm so excited to see this in the edit we walk into jmo's it is two patrons and a bartender dressed like jimmy buffett and so you like floral shirt and stuff hawaiian shirt like bandana like you see this guy you go jimmy this is gonna be like this bar if you show me a picture of this bartender i would say get me a pina colada and i'll take one of the seats by the sand right uh but no it's dimly lit two people two people at the bar tv and little tv in the corner of a bar like old school kind of right and it's playing the exorcist and and the the the movie volume is on the like speakers so the whole bar is just playing the exorcist and the ever the bartender and both patrons are all drinking and just staring and watching the

exorcist. They didn't even like look up when we walked in. We sit down and the guy's like, can I get you something? I was like, uh, two highlifes? It's like, give him the highlifes. It doesn't feel like it. When it goes to commercial, he puts on music, which was kind of fun. Wait, it was on

TV. It was on regular TV, too. It went to commercial. And then he like hits a button and switches to music, and we chat a little, and then the exorcist comes back, and he's like, hush, hush, hush, like switch back. And we just watched the exorcist. Everyone shut the fuck up. It's back on. We were just watching The Exorcist.

Ron, get out of the bathroom. The Exorcist is back on. Tink it off. The Exorcist is back. And the bar was called J-Mo's. And at the end of it, we were like, all right, we're going to head out. Nice to meet you. And he goes, I was like, yeah, it was Will.

Nice to meet you. He was like, J-Mo, nice to meet you. I was like, that's fucking awesome. He goes, you go, hey, J-Mo, pretty weird spot you're running. No, and he goes, we open every day at 530 for Jeopardy. I was like, for Jeopardy? He's like, yeah, it starts at 6. I was like, that's fucking awesome.

Yeah. this bar opens to watch Jeopardy it was 30 minutes I said how about that ding run and he was like ding run was unreal

sorry yes he goes I'm gonna give you a ding run Caleb's yes Caleb said the bar felt like we were in an episode

of Twin Peaks and that is exactly what it felt like it was like what is this city and then we go to the garage to come find you

and it is I was kind of I had my face sandwiched between some Twin Peaks if you know what I'm saying I was partying there

we walked in and they were like free shots no questions asked was like whatever you guys want free shots I had like a crew I had like a Matt Stafford lookalike put a picture of him right here

I took a picture with him we took a picture with him it was just like the most lively party it was like a college bar keep in mind this was tuesday tuesday night and people were losing their fucking people were going nuts and it was the opposite of jamos that is i could not when we when lucas and i walked in i go

there is literally a zero percent chance he's having more fun like we we it was we i will say i had more fun at jamos i did i really did really but that was just like the vibe i was on was like when we got to that bar where you are i was like oh my god this is like overwhelming you had to get like fucked up there like yeah i was like not fucked up enough three shots in like 45 seconds yeah i could tell i walked in it was like you not only was the bar at a different level you guys had gone from like zero to 100 we did like molly yeah can you imagine we you guys leave us for 15 minutes and we are like we're like fucking on molly i had a buddy and they were caleb we're like fucking on molly right is that cool did you get you got the audio for that just in case so

guys just in case we lost that what i was kind of alluding to was lucas and i could be fucking each other well on molly um or we're on fucking molly if you know what i'm saying so caleb just we're good on that all right willie willie continue sorry what were you saying i my buddies were in greece once and my one i love it already yeah my one buddy transition yeah my one friend got offered they were like at a club and he was really thirsty i guess and someone offered him what he heard as maui water which he was like oh it's like it's like fiji water that's fantastic so he drank it actually sounds delightful and uh it was molly water holy fuck and he's not like a guy who does hard drugs was he like a he's like a cutie yeah but he said i think he had with his family it was

It was like all my friends went after graduation. So it wasn't like with adults? No, no, no. What happens if you accidentally take Molly with your mom? What do you do at that point? Do you tell her? Bust a rug. I think that's two different phrases.

Bust a rug means it's when you dance so hard you cum. Do you mind if I grab my vape really quickly? Vape or vape? it's a babe face okay yeah bless you all right guys this episode is brought to you by mud water do you ever get up in the morning and you're like god i want to cut through all this brain fog but sometimes if i have just too much caffeine then i'm jitters mcgee come on and you're like i wish there was a way to sort of get my morning going i do in a way that's feels a little bit more natural but still kind of gets

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excited to see gracie abrams i'm going in december and i just bought tickets yesterday thanks to my friends at seat geek uh seat geek is the best it's the best ticket app my favorite thing about it is they give you a score for each ticket so you know how good of a deal it is green means good green means good red means bad and it's like relative like where the seat is in the stadium of course uh and it just it's they make it easy to use i'm not blowing s up your a i'll show you one can i say that sure look i literally it's in my suggestions seat geek seat geek and this wouldn't be the first time i look at all these tickets i bought on ck how cool is that come on baby and with over 35 million downloads ck is the number one rated ticketing app there are more than

70 000 events listed on ck including concerts sports festivals and more sports festivals it's awesome that sounds like you have to just like all the best games football coachella yeah um guys there are so many artists going on tour right now like bruno mars zara larson lady gaga cardi b chris stapleton luke combs bts ariana grande and more plus the u.s is hosting the world cup this year i think willie i'm going and i got my tickets on seat geek bang so grab your tickets now see i love using seat geek and every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee guys concert season's right around the corner and to make it even better you can use code playdate10 for 10 off your seat geek tickets that's 10 off tickets with promo code playdate10 make sure you click the link

in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later thank you seat geek let's get back into the episode so russie had this like stupid ass thing on his glasses and then when we just break no i was just making fun of the way it looked when we break our producer was like willie can you also do that it sounds way better on his glasses. Now I look like a cyborg. Does yours work too where you can see people's crotches? Let me try.

Glasses. No, mine only lets me see tiny pill bugs. Glasses. Or wait. Glasses, show me his urethra. Wait, I think it is working. Either that or it only shows me little roly polies. oh chicago i love you lord that's what they do around here you have been to any

are you excited to wait they're all like what they're all like freaky oh chicago i love you that's what you say you go to order chub cheese and l's beef sticks right that's like their that's like their shalom chicago is sort of the new york of the midwest chicago so yeah so guys for the people that aren't familiar chicago is kind of like um the new york of the midwest so you know you're gonna have things like skyscrapers basketball um other urban things like that and you're puppets um can you say basketball and other urban things i mean the thing is you're right i mean it's typically played in like an urban setting i I didn't mean that.

I meant, like, in New York, there's, like, pickup games and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. Did you ever watch Harry Potter Puppet Pals? Is that what it was? Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.

Dumbledore. You know what's interesting? I had not seen Harry Potter when I had seen that. Yeah. You were like, what the fuck are these guys? It was, like, all new to me. I didn't get any of it. Yeah.

But I loved it. I was like, I don't even know who these fucking guys are, but I'm eating this up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Do you remember the first time you watched Two Girls, One Cup? I've never seen it. You've never seen it? No.

Caleb, seen it? Do you know what it is? Yeah. I Googled it one time. Yeah. Yeah. And I was confused for a couple weeks. Just kind of about...

About yourself? About myself, about the world. I didn't realize people were out there doing stuff like that. and uh it just yeah it was confusing because i also you know i hadn't seen many women's butts or you know women kissing and stuff so those are kind of different i know so that was confusing and then uh and then right as you see a woman's butt she poops in the cup so that was kind of jarring for me and i don't think we've gone more than 10 minutes without talking about poop in the last like five episodes that's all right yeah that's

all right man it's our show we knew it's our show what if we did a part of it where it was about nascar guys here's our nascar minute i was talking about nascar yesterday with a guy because uh yeah we went we met frankie muniz at nascar not many people would say that i did billy and i do you i feel like you a lot of times just assume i was there for like everything you've done yeah yeah unfortunately where were you like remember last time we're at the cubs game i was I've never been to a Cubs game. They let me play the organ. It's a real thing.

Liam and I played the organ. I played catch with the starting pitcher that day, and then I touched the IV. Who was the pitcher? I can't remember. You ever heard of a carillon? What's a carillon? I don't know.

About five. It sounded like a setup. Yeah, that's what I thought it was going to be. No, it's like a weird instrument. It's kind of like an organ. but at the Citadel which is like the military college in Charleston those guys look fucking

have you seen the videos where they're like checking kids in at the Citadel and they like freak out at them they like are yelling at them to fill out their name faster and then some kids are just it's very strange yeah it's a weird spot I mean it's just like a military it's a private military school though

which has always felt weird like militia no no no not like trading people for the public military but it's you pay to go but but what instead what incentive did they have to do that i mean i think it was like in the olden days like people like wanted to learn how to and like you would want to i don't know but you could also if you make a military commitment then i think you get your tuition taken off so does the government subsidize that do you think or do you think the citadel if yeah if you make the commitment to the army then the army pays but that's the same as anywhere like rotc kids at rollins like are getting i don't

think we had any rotc okay well maybe not at rollins but like at bc the fuck is that supposed to mean you just said that you didn't but you go maybe not at rollins like it was like that's like a thing no you said i don't think we had any and i said okay maybe not at rollins you know you may i had a tone in your voice that where you think we're like a bunch of fucking softies and we and go to the war and bc kids were tough as nails bc kids who grew up in the front lines front lines i wait i love the rotc i'm sorry tell me about but doesn't it feel funny in theory that you could just pay full tuition for four years to get like screamed at and like made to do push-ups like if you don't do the military part we have that now it's just like hell that would be bizarre to go

and have no intention of going to the military i mean people do that all done what's the point I don't know I guess like this maybe it's like a kid who was like a knucklehead in college and it's like that'll straighten you out

his parents send him to the Citadel the Citadel's a sick name I wish it was like a cooler place I know it's kind of annoying the Citadel sounds like

they used to do like horrible things to like other races and genders too oh my god yeah like what

I don't know I think there's a book there's a famous book about it like they go find these people or like no no like

when people try to enroll they'd like kick their butts yeah damn i heard about a guy who when he was like a knob is what they call him yeah like a he's a freshman yeah okay they would they made he his like they all had like a different thing that they had to do and his was like baby bird or anytime someone said baby bird he'd have to sit back and open his mouth and they would spit whatever they were eating they would chew it up like a mama bird does and then spit it into his mouth and he had to eat it and he was paying like 70 000 yeah maybe it's for like kinky guys yeah they're into like getting like i've been getting a lot you know what a sub is yeah getting

a lot of sub i've been on sub talk kind of a lot lately and uh there's one guy his girlfriend locks him in a cage every night uh and he sleeps in the crate like a dog and he if he has to go pee he has to like whimper for her to let him out sometimes he sleeps under the bed um and he wears a collar with his name on it and here's my question does he go to work you think and do you think he his boss is aware that he's a sub you can answer those questions in whatever order you'd like i don't think he goes to work okay i think he's probably leeching off welfare got it like every american come on man fellas except us it seems like it seems like everyone else no one in the world leeches off welfare and we get up every day and we sit here for two hours

and twice a week two hours twice a week that's four hours a week yeah that we have to sit and chat i want you guys to know and while everyone else leeches off of what we bring into our condom this country wasn't built by people sitting around not chatting yeah had this is what our grandfathers did this is what my grandfather did to earn a buck yeah they didn't even have anywhere to put it this was just people would come watch them live chat on the couch covered in blankets can i keep it a buck with you yeah you look sick right now do i really yeah do i kind of this like i don't give a fuck mindset and it's kind of it's like you can see it it's like physically it's coming out um yeah i mean here's the deal no one wants to fuck it feels like no one wants

a podcast anymore and like we feel like the only white guys on planet earth that want a podcast it's insane that no one wants to fucking

can I say something please one time this comes all the way back to the carillon remember you can't say comes around

I'm like heart of the rock okay I'm heart of the rock at the Citadel they have like a bell tower okay they have a carillon

that plays oh my god that was what you were going to tell me it's 30 minutes I know it plays like a song I guess

like every hour or something and i think it's like automated but they're hitting me baby one more time i think it's like it's one o'clock it's one o'clock no it's like or some shit okay anyway we used to climb up uh in the bell tower there was like a secret we found like a secret entrance basically and we get freaky up there no he'd get up there to there was there was a practice carillon like right below the main one

was like that one was totally like restricted off like we couldn't get to that but we would sneak up to

where the practice carillon was and just like dick around what's the like it's less consequences it doesn't

play over the whole it doesn't play out of the bell tower it just is contained to that room

that you're in got it fun so we'd sneak up there after hours you know we were like

I was like 10 or 12 or something oh what yeah it's kind of like a badass kid

it was fun Me and Finn Butcher, I just implicated him in a crime. We would sneak up there and just, we would get, like, Gatorade and, like, treats from the Citadel Bookstore. So we lived right by the campus. And then go up there and play on the carillon. And one time we went up there, and the gate to the real carillon was just unlocked. And we were like, so we went up, and we were like, we got to try it. And so we played, like, out of the loudspeakers over the campus of the Citadel.

Oh, my God. And we both, we were like, there's no way it's actually going to do it, right? Like, there has to be, like, a switch you have to flip or something. Sure enough, we heard it, and we just booked it out of there. Did that even come for you? I mean, no. I can't imagine, like, whoever was, like, responding to that probably wasn't like, go, go, go, go!

In our mind, they were, but, like, we got off campus pretty quick, and then it was yeah i bet some poor knob got blamed for that and they probably spanked his ass raw they probably they probably spanked his ass until it was fucking falling off you're going nuts what do you mean you spanked his ass wasn't falling you like that video i sent you earlier of the biker who fell on his ass cheeks and the asphalt burnt through his pants and his ass cheeks yeah the way the news outlet put it well one why is that news but the news outlet was like biker continues race despite breaking his pants and ass yeah ass oh my god dude when i went to germany when i was like 17 okay our we had neighbors in leicester and they got divorced

and the wife was german so she moved back to germany okay and so we went and visited her as a family and uh we were there for like a day or two in like the black mount black mountains or something okay and uh anyway it was just like it was very like rural germany it was not like a tourist thing we're just like in this little like neighborhood got it and we were they were having their neighborhood block party she was like oh you come to our neighborhood that's not a good impression at all that actually might if that ever got back to her oh my you're the classic german accent see this you come we have the neighborhood i think you're it's kind of we have the neighborhood anyway that she was from she was from the black mountain region of germany which

surprisingly their their their accent sounds almost indistinguishable from a southern indian accent yeah but oh all right anyway they are playing we're at this block party we're having fun there's like kids playing cards and we're like oh can we play cards with you and they're like yeah and they hand this deck of cards and they're playing a game called wait let me see if i have the i want to show it oh what's going on we're all moving so much why are we moving so much oh my god you guys want to get jimmy johns what is up with you and jimmy johns we just ate i didn't eat i got one bite of that fucking fuck ass burrito and threw it out calling that a chicken burrito was an insult to mexico i was a fucking hero and you know it also why did we get chicken

burritos for breakfast even if they were even if they came the way to be fair we just said No, no, I'm questioning my own I'm saying like why was that We were all like chicken We were all in the same bed I was thinking of like I was thinking I was thinking like a chicken rice and cheese

And it just sounded good I'm trung in this This is the game that the kids were playing Say it out loud They were They were playing a lovely game of top ass top ass and it's like bunch all the cards are pictures of boats wait is that like a is that like a translation error or like what is that i don't know is that like

their jenga i don't know it was called that's their battle we're like all right deal me and once again they're like ah it's a top ass top ass i was top ass in my class um top ass in my class you know there's like valedictorian uh there was a male and female award this is not a joke top ass or sorry top ass and most ass so the girl was top ass whoever you know gave it out the most of the most ass of course was the guy who got the most ass with um what is this i'm having a weird day you know i've been having a weird well here's something funny this guy actually has eyes under his so who who is he i don't know i got this guy this i'm holding up for audio listeners i'm holding a puppet of it's like popeye if he went to jail i think it's

like popeye if he was like kind of badass for popeye if he like just went to jail popeye popeye but he just got out of jail yeah you see that i saw a video of a uh of a guy like this guy's uncle this family's uncle came back from prison yeah like given like they're like welcoming back at party and he's like man it's good to be back some of these kids man they look like they look like what they want to fight me like he was still in like jail mode and like thought people like that his nephews were like testing him i would yeah i would probably think they weren't right right i don't think i'd test my nephews for covid yeah i don't think i don't really think i'm gonna be doing much i think you know i'll probably leave that to my sisters to test their own kids i don't

I think that's really my job to be testing my nephews. Yeah, I'm probably not going to test my nephews either. Jimmy John's after this voice. Thoughts? I'm not hungry. None of us are hungry. We all just ate a full burrito. Are you thinking I should have taken more bites?

I don't care what you do, but stop trying to rope us in. You could just get Jimmy John's. It's better as a group effort. A group poop? wasn't that like your thing yeah we had a group chat you and your buddies would was that like a kink you think

do you think that's like kink adjacent uh kink yeah kink adjacent no no it was like a community thing a building community yeah could you hear each other's poops and how did that make you feel

good I did like a weird thing once where I like took a baby doll and i drew a pentagram on its forehead and i threw it into like the ceiling of my high school wait why to like scare people like in the future they're gonna know i did it in the past no yeah like we had those like ceiling tiles that you can kind of like pop out yeah and i wrote i drew a pentagram and i wrote class of 2018 runs these halls and i just popped one up and just chucked it dude on a baby like a baby old timey scary so do you think anyone

has found it yet that because if you if they find it a hundred years from now then it's spooky 2018 isn't spooky yet but you know and like yeah 21 18 i feel like even in like 20 years that'd pretty crazy yeah if you found a doll that was like class of 74 and subject i took i we had an art class where are you saying art class or fart class we gotta make we we have to find something to clip that's like our clipping moment we had clip farming ceiling tiles that we'd take down and paint them so the whole art studio had like you know years of kids yeah tiles that they could paint and i painted like i did two i painted like one that was real and then i painted like a message for like the future on it and i flipped it upside down thinking one day they'll re-flip it this was

a cardboardy on the other side so like at some point someone would be like wait that looks like shit and flip it it would be like my what did it say i can't remember i think it was like jack kelly believes that believes this these are my beliefs 2020 there's a i slept in a bed in when when i i know when i did a hike in mexico there was like this like shack that we were sleeping in at the base camp and in the bunk ahead above me there was like a message written and it was like profound and i was like that's awesome it said something like it was like it was in spanish but it was like love the earth like you're like it's your family because no love your culture the earth is my family love your culture yeah it's like that's

like the the first thought you have when you smoke weed no the earth is my no it's about loving loving your culture because that's gonna be the only legacy someday like the only

in a million years people aren't gonna talk about you or your family or whatever but whatever your community is and your culture is like

culture that you create what culture what's our culture that's what I was that's what yeah it was like I'm not too

it was like yeah something about loving like the earth and your culture and community and like that's yeah

they're just gonna all they're gonna know about guys like us is that we love fast cars and fast food we love fast food

we love fast women we love GTA 5 I took a class called fast in college it was accounting it was horrible

wait what it was called fast yeah well why it's like free accounting he comes in he's like

open the express room credit to Dennis oh oh they're flipping through your notebook holy shit this guy's wheeling he's like all right i'll see you next week it was two minutes flying did i tell you i took a class called supply chain management yeah and i had a professor who was kind of an interesting guy to say the least but pretty like serious and i went to ask him a question and he had his laptop open and his screensaver was him it was him in like a i remember him being like kind of a compromising position it like went against everything that i believe in like whether he was in like a woman's

wig or like a dress or something it was just him and his wife like messing around but he was such like straight arrow that it like kind of like made me see him in a different light and we i think we connected more because i started treating him more like a guy because he was like he has a personality outside of this he just is obsessed with the supply chain i had this math teacher that was like a stoner guy vibe okay calculus teacher weirdly which usually isn't like stone it's kind of cool actually yeah stoner calculus guy and uh one time i knocked over his guitar and he went from like cool stoner guy to like what the fuck you fucking idiot you fucking idiot and i was like wait what yeah i'm not even kidding you were fucking yeah what the fuck are you

doing you fucking idiot and i was like i'm so sorry wait what grade were you senior in high school what yeah did you tell anyone no everyone was like my class was there what did people say People were like, Jesus Christ, he went nuts. You fucking idiot. I mean, it was like, I was like goofing around and knocked over like his guitar. Did he like at the end be like, I'm sorry. Not really. Because that, that happens.

I didn't know the teacher like freak out on me once too. I was kind of a troublemaker. I thought you were like Mr. Fucking Academia. there i was i mean i was like i did i did take school very seriously but then i goofed around a lot too what was your biggest goof um my biggest goof or gaffe i don't know there were a few there was one senior year we built a fort out of textbooks in the textbook supply room like we basically built a false wall out of textbooks awesome and i brought a playstation and a monitor from home and we set up like we could just play fifa behind this like false wall during like

study hall or something during yeah whatever classic we just leave it there and like people like all right i'm gonna go to the bathroom and then we just like go play fifa that's awesome we got caught but it was like so close to graduation that she's just like jesus christ yeah yeah i'm shocked that you guys have new stuff that you haven't told each other before? Caleb just said he's shocked that we have new stuff that we haven't told each other before, and I'm like, I don't know

if that's even true. Like, I might have told. That might have been the last. Yeah. That might have been the last new thing. Wait, I had something to tell you. And the pee pants prank was another classic. You'd fake pee your pants? I've definitely told you this story, but no, it was the

it was during Spirit Week, like, one of the days was, like, the freshman dress was babies. yep and the sophomores are toddlers and the juniors are like grown-ups and then like the seniors dress as old people and like people like kind of over commit to the bit just kind of kinky not kinky which part toddlers no i don't know i don't know something about like the like i feel like when i see adults dress like babies it's like oh like that's like that is like a kink that people have where they like dress like in like diapers and stuff all right well anyway it wasn't a kinky thing and i was dressed like as an old guy and i was walking like all the seniors walk

like stupid slow throughout the hallways it's just like really fucking annoying that's so funny and then i was in the bathroom and like i was like i'm doing care i'm not bringing character all day or i was in math class calculus different it was like the the next calculus class was not not the stoner guy who was mad at me it was a teacher that was like just kind of she was nice but like kind of silly i don't know whatever i was like oh can i use the restroom and she's like yeah just go like can you please stop doing this bit i don't know what you're talking about and i didn't actually have to go to the bathroom i just went to the water fountain and just sprayed it all over my crotch and i came back like five minutes later and i was like knocked on the door

and made her come and like get it for me and had a cane and i was like i i had an accident i need to help and she was like i literally don't care where you go i don't want to see you get the fuck out of my head i just went to a nap that's so funny there was a kid who did the he kind of had he had his own spin on that where he got caught jerking off in the back of uh health class i don't like the framing of that as a spin of on when he got cum all over his pants really until he got caught i believe it was like he like finished or he did like something is that real it's their true story oh and uh he had to transfer i think i told you this he was the like he was the goalie for you told me that i didn't know that he got caught because he had come all over his pants

how does that even happen i don't know if it was actually come all over his pants or maybe he like came on the it was something like bizarre wait i just realized i think caleb is sketching us which is he does like sketches yeah it'd be funny if like the footage isn't here so we have to do like a courtroom sketchy. That would be silly. I am very excited for our night out in Chicago tonight, even though we had

kind of a mini one. I saved my load. Jesus. I'm feeling pretty excited for a little bar crawl in Chicago tonight. I'm going to see my friend Max. What time are we going? Right after this? Pretty much, yeah.

I'm going to get lunch before we get... I'm just going to get Jimmy John's if that's cool with you guys can i get like 20 minutes to move my body yeah okay awesome yeah would you move here chicago yeah yeah i like it here when we we i've only been in the spring which i think is like the best time yeah to be here so i'm worried i'll get deceived that's been like my go-to thing about chicago when someone has come up to us and been like how do you like it i'm like only been here in the spring but i heard the winter is brutal and they go you're weird in person and by the spring you're counting like now is the spring yeah maybe this is like most of like the spring

is pretty fucking cold yeah i guess i mean like but if you're right by like how it's leading into spring into summer in the willow trees so wait can you look is he watching reels again no he's watching uh jy stuff is that i feel like that would be your jam that's not what you watch what do you watch i only watch y-o-u-t-u-b-e dear andrew put a picture of vin diesel i what race is he i've never been able to figure it out got it have you ever seen the pacifier with vin diesel you would love the pacifier do you know what i'm talking about vin diesel is a like navy seal who gets hired to be like a nanny for some reason like these kids are in danger oh and uh he becomes

their nanny and then one of them it's so it's like the sound of me it's like a modern sound of music is like the story that i'm like not joking it's like based on you know they take like shakespeare novels and they make like she's the man yeah they like did that but vin diesel is whatever and so they find out because it's they have to do the sound of music they find out one of the kids is a nazi halfway through but it's like the early 2000s and so it's just like this huge plot hole where he's like part of this neo-nazi group i thought that was like he's in a play no he they were doing

the Sabbath music musical in the movie and then he's like also a Nazi and he's like I thought he was like just dressed up as one

because he's like playing the character I don't know well Caleb you can't talk because then we can't hear you I'll have to go back

and watch it but it is fucking awesome and he does this move called the pacifier he puts his fingers in a guy's mouth isn't that the move

in a guy's ass pacifier it's the ass of fire I literally haven't I haven't seen this movie and Caleb wants me to tell you about the gym scene

which I'm going to do my best to recollect just tell me about a gym scene from The Office okay so gym there's this one episode where Jim

is now Asian and Dwight really yeah Dwight goes what you're no gym and then Jim types in the passcode

on his thing to prove to the other guy that he's the real Jim. How about, people don't talk enough about Ryan in that show. He's the temp and he's,

Michael loves him but he's sort of a shady character and kind of struggles to earn the trust of a lot of people and then he has this really meteoric rise

and he becomes like a big power player in the company. But, you know, that sort of reaches a tumultuous end when it's exposed that he's engaging in business malpractice, which is why he falls in love with Pam.

And what's Kevin doing? Kevin Chili. Okay, and Oscar? The senator. Angela? Also the senator. And where's Toby? Toby is sort of Michael's arch nemesis, if you will.

And where's Kelly doing? Kelly is with Angus. making the not suitable for work show not suitable for work have you seen it I watched the first episode

how was it I had to watch it on my phone because our hotel didn't have Hulu crap but now I think this TVI we might be able

to log into Hulu I liked it I liked it a lot how was our guy they made Jack Martin look like hot as all get out they made Angus

look hot as all get out not that he isn't did they curl his hair I don't know what he has like a different haircut that I've never seen him have in the show

yeah I don't know but I thought it was great him and Jack are so funny the other I don't know the other actors names they're lovely that was duvernay just introduced the three of them i love love them in it guys if

you haven't seen it go go check it out this is a plug for angus's new show not suitable for work if we if you watch it enough he'll never come on our pod again so maybe don't watch it if you watch it too much we don't get him anymore i know he's like a guy right now he's a guy we get he's just a guy we get it's uh he's a guy i know right now he's a guy we know but if you watch it If you watch the new Mindy Kaling show too much, we don't get to know him anymore. Know him or bugs that you could know him. Do you think that you and I are ever going to go full Hollywood?

I already did, bitch. Look in your backpack. Right as you said that, like a water droplet fell from the sky. Wait, what's in my backpack? What does that have to do with going Hollywood? What's the most Hollywood thing we could do right now? like with our current status porn dui i don't know what do you mean like get our like like get a dui and have the body cam footage leaked and it turns out we keep trying to tell them we have a podcast

keep trying to tell them we know zach bryan well we tell them because because i'm sitting on your lap and you're hammered and i'm sober you're doing the pedals but i'm doing the steering and so it's not technically a DUI and we go read that in the league we saw it on suits one time my dad got pulled over on the 4th of July drive he picked me he was like senior of high school and he was like I know you're gonna be drinking just like call me and I'll pick you up I don't want you to try to drive yep not that I would have but so he came and picked up like five of my buddies and all like squeezed in his car and then he got pulled over on the way home because that you know 4th of July they're all over that shit and the cop like comes in and points in the back and there's like five

of us in the back seat but like we're all clearly hammered and my dad isn't so he was like all right you're fine just get home like he was like this is a net good yes yeah that's all dude who was just telling us it's legal in wisconsin to drink with your parents if you're under 18 really at like a restaurant like you can go in but then the second you turn 18 then you're an adult and you're no longer allowed to until you're 21 that's weird isn't that that can't be true right yeah uh i don't know they also said it's up to the discretion of the bartender and so the guy was like yeah if she doesn't want to do it i'll usually just do it you can just give beer to like a minor that's really weird i mean yeah i don't know why any parent would be like

want their my cousin was able to drink like they would let him drink at like 16 and i was That is badass. Can I pee? What? Can I go to the pee bathroom? Funny thing just happened. This is insane. I just went to the bathroom.

Luke Knoll just... He was like, send me the pics from the game. I guess I should have sorted through them and not sent him one that I look bad in. But he just posted a picture

where I look hammered. You look fucking trash. Which is like, we were having fun at the game, but like at no point was... That's the face you see when a guy's about to ask you for a cookie.

That's the face of mouse like pretty early in the game too that's the face a mouse makes when you give him a cookie and he's about to ask you for some milk you guys showed up and we're feeling pretty loose by the time you got to me but i was as well yeah lucas is like wrecking crew was multiplying last night he runs with he runs with like an eight man crew each one crazier than the next what is that oh the guy oh yeah this is

there's a guy outside the stadium that was how did he even come oh oh

yes Caleb had a Ninja Turtle shirt on he's like love the Ninja Turtles I do

karate and we were like really and he was like yeah and he just started doing his moves

right outside the stadium that's right he said yeah that's right he had a nick looks or fuck caleb had a ninja turtle shirt on and he said i did karate against one of them and we're like like why is it's all like finger based yeah he was a finger karate art he did like it that's crazy no but he he had a ninja turtles shirt on and he said i did karate against one of them and we're like like michelangelo and he's like it turns out he meant the actor that plays them like he was wearing the suit in like god i wore the suit in the original ninja turtles can i say something please no he didn't

i think he did i just watched that guy do karate that was not real there's absolutely no world he was in a competition with the guy who played you don't think that was real no he just kept going like eye poke the oldest trick in the book every video is he lit it was a double eye mouth well that's how you get that's the only way to get in when they have the shell like that yeah exactly right in there dude if a guy hit you in both of your eyes and then one in your mouth think about you're doing karate against a turtle right the head's sort of the only option yeah shell yeah yeah yeah exactly that guy is not doing real karate in that if that is real karate i could i could be first of all it's karate

you know you know what i i don't know why i'm not i'm knocking him down i need to be building him up you need a building what if he's the karate champion of the year in like 100 years and he saves my family what if he's in the new karate kid movie remember when i saw jayden smith yeah where again oh yeah and i said jayden smith my buddy doesn't believe you're the creative director of christian louboutin thank you welcome out in these louboutins i oh god what nothing um all right so willie we're halfway we're almost halfway done with midwest month how has it how are you doing great i love the midwest i thought it would be maybe a little hotter even but i think we kind of hit perfect weather um yeah i'm doing really well i i love

going to these baseball games the the cubs game was uh that was the best that was the best baseball We're going to do Wrigley Field's amazing. Being in the bleachers for that was pretty fucking awesome. Weirdly enough, as I was saying that, I looked over and I think that big tan box on the... Dykin? Don't call her that. Dykin is... That big tan box.

That big tan box. Dykin is... That's the Astro Stadium. Dykin Field or something. Dykin Park. All right, guys. We are going to go out on our Chicago bar crawl, so we will see you guys... What day is this episode coming out?

Monday. We'll see you guys on Wednesday. Have a lovely rest of your Monday. Have a great Tuesday. We will see you right in early, motherfuckers. Love you. Peace.