Will & Rusty's Playdate - Mint Romney

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

Happy Fourth of July, playmates. Will breaks down his weekend in Minnesota, Rusty confesses to a violation of airplane etiquette, and the boys invent fun new all-American drinks. They once again become embroiled in a poop-related drama, and field a call from one of the involved parties. Will and Rusty draft Fourth of July traditions and constitutional amendments that don’t exist, and wrap things up with a riveting game of American trivia. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod HEAD TO http://www.drinktriple.com/playdate TO GET 10% OFF THE ORIGINAL HIGH SELTZER USING CODE: PLAYDATE. 0% HANGOVER, 100% SOCIAL. GO TO https://amazon.com AND USE CODE 10PLAYDATE AT CHECKOUT FOR 10% OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF NOT BEER. ZERO CARB, ZERO ALCOHOL, AND ZERO TASTE… BEER. DOWNLOAD THE APP AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR FINANCES WITH CASH APP. IT PAYS TO GET PAID ON CASH APP! https://apps.apple.com/us/app/cash-app/id711923939 (00:00) Intro (01:42) Three Big Guys (07:18) Juicy Lucy (18:01) Will’s Perpetual Gas Leak (25:12) Roadmap (27:27) The Fourth of July (32:37) Pitch Submissions (41:19) Pitches (Presented by Cash App) (45:35) Dating Older Women (49:20) Crisis Simulation (01:00:37) AITA (01:05:11) Poop Bandit (01:19:19) This Guy Rocks (01:22:25) Teach Me Something (01:30:57) Our Favorite Fourth of July Traditions (01:35:09) Our Favorite Amendments (01:40:16) Trivia (01:43:49) Whose Personality are you Stealing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As always, Playdate is brought to you by Triple, the original high seltzer, redefining the party landscape. a way that I couldn't figure out who... It was one of those ones where everyone kept turning around and being like, oh my god, like, what could... Wait, I have a recording of it. Are you having issues with your mic? Do you want me to, like... This is, like, wobble. I mean, I don't know that you...

Wait, you just tightened that thing. I know, I'm trying. Do you need it to be higher? No. I just need it to wobble, like, so much that it can... Alright, you want to hear this, baby? Wind it up like a clock. I'm winding this up like a clock.

oh my god cannot be a janky ass studio play that pod episode 44 r um oh i haven't even thought about i haven't thought about it either uh wait i'm gonna pull something out of the vauntlet or brock obama episode juice check or brock oh brock obama's good one yeah yeah obama episode google kyle juice check though kyle j google the hardest yeah yeah yeah yeah oh wow that's yeah yeah that's it though juice check yeah bang 44 attaboy check well done um i'm not playing with my microphone anymore well i have a story please tell me so i'm on the airplane yesterday and uh the guy you were red hot also right yeah i had a red hot weekend uh i actually have some cool stories about minnesota minnesota but i'm in the exit row and then there's an you know on the other

side like i'm in i'm on the right side or whatever and on the left side in the exit row it's like three like kind of bigger dudes like not like no one's like that big of a dude like but just like like work out big or not no just kind of like like guys that from the midwest that look like they have like a really nice family but like they're all just like they got a little gun on them they got that edge build yeah yeah they got that ev uh anyway so we're getting ready to take off and this guy's like making a scene like i had my headphones and i was like what's going on the guy in the aisle was complaining to the flight attendants he was like you can't have three big guys in the same row and the flight attendant was like you picked a seat or it was

a sign but like we didn't like we weren't like these three big guys are going in the same wasn't like a weight distribution thing yeah and he was like they're like what do you want me to do and he's like well if it's not you then it's delta but delta can't let this happen there can't be three big guys in one row and everyone around was like what the fuck is going on and he she was like well you can ask someone to change he was like does anyone want to switch with me it's like no no one wants to go in the road with two big guys like why did i even pick that was this the middle We'll see you guys. No, mind you, this guy's the aisle in an exit row.

So he's already like... He's swimming in it. Swimming in it. And he made this big stink, and eventually they're like, all right, we found a switch, and they switched him. At this point, I think it was just like a point of pride, where he'd made such a big stink that he had to say, let's switch him to a window row, 20 rows behind us.

And he had to go with it, because he had made a whole stink. But I think that is all time, is being like, it can't be three big guys in a row. There's someone organizing the seats that's like, it's like a wedding big guy here yeah someone comes over the intercom like can all the big guys report to the concierge desk because we want to make sure none of you guys are within a fucking shout of each other something out the other big guys mind you are just like not saying anything yeah when he gets up it was like well i'm getting all the crunchy peanut butter noise i shouldn't

eat in toast or a bug he's also eating the heel they used to give me so much shit for eating and Now you're eating the... I did it in the middle of a story. I don't buy this. I kind of agree. It looks so good. It's your dad's peanut butter. What?

His dad owns peanut butter. Shout out to Barney Butter. Shout out to Barney Butter. But anyway, it was like, oh, it was, you know, like that when, like, there's one weird guy and then they get up and leave and everyone's like, like, everyone, like, so it was like everyone in the rows was, like, gossiping and stuff. And then I guess since it was an exit row, it's like the one guy moved over, the middle seat was open.

Were you in Comfort Plus? No. Shut up. but like since it was an exit row i think the seat has to be occupied for like takeoff and landing so the flight attendant had to come sit in the guy's row with the two big guys what'd she look like little girl like small she wasn't a big guy anyway it's a kid president but for but she sat in the middle in between the guys and then the the best it was it was one of the best lines i've ever seen it cracked me up from two rows away the guy next to her goes

okay if you're gonna be sitting here there are a few things i need to go over and i'm gonna need verbal confirmation that you're ready which is exactly what she just done to all of us it's got to be such a horrible feeling like the guy that left yeah here's here's one of the other guys in the road just like murdering with a joke and he's like oh i missed out he was he was the embarrassment of the whole airplane okay i got another but i also well i just don't like those people that go like nuclear about things on an airplane i'm like why would you like the last place you give up like there's no winning here no yeah um i have another like kind of am i the asshole uh airplane thing where like i i think i fucked up on this one but it was one of those ones that was like kind of a

weird gray area have you ever landed and they've come down and been like uh all right guys we got a couple people making like really tight connections so like if you guys should just stay put until they're gone you pretended like you have no no no that i thought about it i didn't think about it but um so like the five people come like rushing up and they get off but then everyone sitting down was like too polite and like i think everyone thought there were more people coming like it was it was too seamless of a process so like i think everyone assumed like there's no way that was all of them so we're all sitting the doors open no one's moving and like i'm like looking back being like there's no one coming like let's let's go or whatever and

everyone's just sitting and it's completely open all the people from first class are leaving and uh i just was like sitting there for probably two minutes no one's moving and so i just got up and just walked out see i think that's okay it feels like you did your due diligence but i cut the i cut i kind of broke the the rule of like yeah i would never do that but i don't think you're in the wrong it was almost i wasn't gonna be like what are we doing here again yeah but like yeah it was it rise up it was uh it was a it was a perfect like i didn't have to go around anyone i literally just like got up and walked yeah i think you're fine you know what actually also happened to my who wants another airplane story this guy raise your hand over here me lauren i

so this ties into my juicy lucy story too so who's that juicy lucy has ruined the last two days for me juicy lucy is a special kind of burger they make in minnesota that has absolutely torn my insides to shreds in it's been it's been a disaster i got juiced i got anyway well i'll get back to that but at the bar that we went to to get juicy lucy's we're like in line and there's just like people at the bar and they're hanging out and and uh drinking and stuff and like this one girl like seemed like a little drunk but not like she was like fun and she was like just chatting us up and then she's like yeah i'm a flight attendant she or we're like oh we're from l.a she's like oh i'm flying there tomorrow i'm

a flight attendant we're like no way anyway it turns out she was the flight attendant on our flight which we established at the bar the night before which is kind of fun so then mid-flight she comes by and gives me and chester each like a goodie bag of like it was like a vodka cranberry and then like all the best snacks and like a note it was like i hope you enjoyed minneapolis like it was actually really cool but speak rewind we go to this bar we're at this music festival saturday it's like an m night chamelon yeah yeah it's all it's jumping out we're at this bar on i've been told about this juicy lucy which is like this classic minnesota burger it's like a thing in minnesota so we're at the music festival saturday we're all kind of tired we're like all right let's

head let's just go get a good dinner somewhere i was like oh we gotta go to this place to get the juicy lucy so uber to matt is this at one place or do they all make it there's two places that like claim to have invented it i think they probably make it at other places but there's two places that are like it's like pat and gino's in philly or whatever like uh anyway so we go to Matt's bar and it's just like a hole in the wall like divey

midwestern bar it was actually sick I think I've been to Matt's I feel like you would know about the juice there's no way you didn't go it's like a whole thing there's like a line out the door

to like get in it's a whole show yeah it is there are burgers flying across the room yeah it's like there's burgers in everyone's hair

no anyway yeah so it's two burgers and then they put cheese in the middle and then they pinch the ends together before they cook it

it's like a gusher for men hey why can't women men have it i'm just saying men like big hunks of meat and cheese woman woman can obviously have it yeah but like it's like a gusher if a gusher was designed for men where the outside is meat and the filling is cheese and uh yeah it was great but dude i have had it's just been ripping you apart well i don't want to like get a little too graphic but i will get a little graphic and

do you know like when you are like oh my god i'm gonna crap my pants and then you go to crap your pants or you go to the toilet and it's just farts for like 10 minutes i've had i've had double digits amount of those bathroom trips in the last two days it's probably happened to me once in like 20 years that's what i don't know what because i think it blocks you up but it gives you gas or like something like it's like this perfect combo of like i have been yeah i mean on the airplane i was like oh my god i'm gonna cry my pants two different times yeah i went to the bathroom and then no no crud no craps came yeah but it's like i never had the it always felt so bad that i never had like the strength to like try to just eek one out eek one out like a fart i'm gonna go eek one

out um like yeah can i tell you kind of a graphic poop thing yeah so i just did one now i'm like fine so um i was doing my business the other day hell yeah and i there's like an inordinate amount of like heat coming from the toilet after okay and i was like am i taking like steamy poops like what is happening and i called my mom and i was like kind of breaking it down to her like is this like normal like is my body my mom would hang up i was like is my body like shutting down like i have like nuclearly hot poops and i was like i can't there's no way there's no way and like my ass is hot and then when i go to wipe like my hair like i get like it feels like i'm like putting my hand like an oven and i was like this is insane like there's

no there's like no way and so i'm like googling it there's like not really anything no one has encountered this problem and then i was like kind of wrote it off as just like i guess i'm really healthy right now like my body is like just really digesting this food that's coming out like steaming hot and then i was in the bathroom and i was brushing my teeth and i can like feel heat coming from the toilet still turns out my toilet for some reason the water that's in there is not cold water it's like borderline boiling water in my toilet and i had convinced myself that i was just taking like thousands of green poops i like how you're like i guess i'm just like the healthiest guy

I was picturing like like however my body my body was producing it or digesting it so fast yeah that it like there was like

energy how did the boiling water I have no idea I googled it I think there's something like seriously wrong with my plumbing and now when I'm sitting on

maybe your roommate pranked you it's kind of an awesome prank fill their toilet my poop's hot why are my poops hotter are you guys poops hotter this week got him you got hot you would have to be so diligent about like constant constantly boiling water and replacing the cold water with hot water but now when i'm sitting on the toilet i'm like it feels like i'm sitting on like a bomb because

i'm like there's something is seriously wrong but like the water is this hot it's still this hot dude like call the plumber um yeah okay wait so last time i called the plumber i couldn't get my water to go hot that's the opposite not the toilet water the shower water wouldn't go hot so i called i called the plumber he just turned off the cold water so my my like shower the coldest setting is still like 150 degrees so i'm worried now if i'm like hey my toilet water's too hot he's gonna come off and turn off the hot water wait that's exactly why that happened to your toilet though oh yeah that's definitely what happened he turned off the cold water i mean he didn't tell me that i'm just like that i think that's what he did i think you have to be related

i think he mailed it in and was just like that's a crazy solution he doesn't like cold water like i can't get the sit like nothing in our house is cold so when i brush my teeth boiling hot water yeah crazy yeah that's well i can't believe you didn't draw the i didn't connect the dots yeah all right should we road map it up yeah okay i have another thing that i want to tell you about i do too actually i just thought about something keep keep talking now keep we're on this we're on this minnesota kick we were like all right we got to try all the minnesota things it's the other thing they're known for the michelob golden light yeah ever heard of it of course you know about this like three percent i don't know what the percent is but this is the

beer they're only available in minnesota untrue i've never heard of that what do you mean i drank him in college then it wasn't that i drank him in maine as well yeah it's these guys maybe not the golden light i've had the gold ones oh look no it's only available in minnesota so you're thinking of something else so i've had i mean i've i've had unless you're calling me a liar i've had them i'm calling you that you're thinking of something else types of michelob beer look up types of i mean it's literally it's that it's i've had them they're up there They're the gold ones. Okay.

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find your advisor at igprivatewealth.com you probably had um i've had those you've had the pure probably that's different oh okay all right cool so now we got past that uh nickelode golden light i'm not saying it's like a revolutionary taste but i think it's just a fascinating story which is it was this like beer that they released i don't know when they did it and marketed it nationwide it was like presumably before like social media and stuff so like everything everyone was kind of on their own and like it flopped everywhere in the u.s and it was just red hot in minnesota so they were like all right well we know what to do here so they just narrowed the distribution so they only sell it there and

it's like one of the top beers there it's beautiful and except for the ones that you the one store that you went to in florida but i mean i had i had gold yeah that's different i mean i can't imagine i think they probably taste it i think they probably slapped a different packaging on No, these are lighter than the... They're way lighter. Why do you have to ruin... They're way lighter. I'm telling you a fact.

They're way lighter. And you're ruining it. I don't give a fuck anymore. Asshole. Can I tell you a superstition that I have that I would be curious if you guys do? Let's hear it. Are you actually mad about the golden lights? Okay, I've had the pure golds.

I've never had the golden lights. And you're... And I'm excited to try. And you're... And I'm wrong. I'm sorry. And I'm excited to try them together. And I'm your favorite.

You're my favorite podcaster. Thank you. You're my favorite friend from work. This podcast is brought to you by Triple. Triple is the original high seltzer with 3 milligrams of THC and just 15 to 20 calories. Triple offers a social buzz similar to that of your favorite hard seltzer. Light on calories, high on life. It's all natural, gluten-free, and again, just 15 to 20 calories.

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They're delicious. They actually kind of are perfect. I've expressed this before about past barbecues, but they are kind of a perfect barbecue drink. Yeah, Will is having one this weekend. and I'm thinking about getting tripled out of my gourd and have a couple triples cook up a couple burgers do the whole Paul Revere thing then you wake up on the 5th yeah not hungover guess what you can have a great July 5th too yeah most people dread July 5th I welcome it thanks to triple triple is born from a desire to blend THC social buzz with the social ritual of sipping on a seltzer

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get on the plane and i'm like if i if i sit in the right seat without without looking at the seat number uh i will be like i'll be like a billionaire or something but then i always am too scared to like so like i'll check it at the last second but i'm like if i commit to it one time yeah i genuinely think i'll have like really good fortune but i've never been able to do it i'm too scared when's the cutoff for when you're not i think it's like i just look at it the one time well that's why i'm like is it like well because like usually i check in the day before if i look at it before i'm through security i think i'm fine okay but i've never done i'm always second guessing myself i do i do find that i check it like i always check it when i get once i'm like fit like

I check it right before I get bored, and then I always check it again right when I get on the plane. I'm always like, I knew that. Yeah. I knew that, but I don't have the ball. I've never once had the balls to be like, I remember. I feel like most things in life, I'm like, I remember that. I think if I was sitting in someone else's seat on the plane, and I got called out, it

would ruin the plan. I think you'd lose a billion dollars. Yeah. I think it goes both. I kind of know what you're saying. I do overly check it. It's kind of like if that car beats me to that mailbox, I'm gay. What is that?

You didn't do that when you were a kid? Like, you're, like, running, like, walking home, and you're like, if that car beats me to that mailbox, like, my whole family's going to die. I think this is a common... No, I, like, know what you're talking about. Look up if that car beats me to the mailbox, I'm gay. So the two options are you're gay or your whole family dies? I don't think this is going to be a search that comes up. I think so.

No. Yeah, me when I... Me when I find out insurance goes down when I'm gay. What you were saying about the seats or like overly checking, that reminds me. Recently, when I cook, because I don't cook often, but like if I use the stove top and then I'm like about to go somewhere like 20 minutes after, I've been in a habit where like even though I know I turned it off, I will like lock my door, go outside to my car, about to turn on my car, and then I have to go back inside to check my stove. Oh, I'll do that shit too. Even though I know that I turned it off, I like need to go back in and lock.

like locking door like at night locking the doors yeah like i'll like literally have just locked the door get in my bed and then like i'll think about it and then i have to get up and walk yeah we'll check it oh i got i've in the last month i've left the fridge open and walked away the oven on and went to bed and the stove on and walked away yeah it's scary that's terrifying i came home once and um i think it was only a couple hours and my whole place just smelled like gas we had a bad we had a bad oh we actually have a perpetual gas leak in our house that's just part of it good do we have this like really old timey stove you've seen my stove right yeah what do you mean it's just part of it so there's like this like it's like in the lease it's part of the

charm it's like this really old like 1950s stove it's a cool stove but it has this like thing that's like built in for like you to put like a like a pot or like a i don't really know what it's for but like if you were like slow cooking something for a long time you can just kind of lower it into the stove basically and uh we don't use it of course but it has a pilot light that always has to be on it just stays on forever i guess and so like you have to light it and then if it like goes out it's just perpetually releasing like a little bit of gas oh well then i have that too it goes out all the time so our kitchen always smells like every time we have and we just become numb to it and then every time we have people over like yo your kitchen smells like gas and we're

like fuck and so we go yeah i thought that was normal though because i i now i have my heater off but like i have an old heater and the pilot light's always on i thought that was fine i think it's fine as long as it's lit but ours is like the pilot the flame goes out so then it's just leaking gas oh i don't know our pilot light in like the fireplace when i was a kid just like the fireplace just smelled like gas yeah so it's like that i guess i don't know it's kind of weird we also had a we also had like a 400 year old onion exploded in our pantry over the weekend chester and i were both gone and we're both in minnesota got back last night and it's like oh i'm tired like what's for dinner i opened the pantry and i was like oh oh oh i guess

chester i thought we thought something like a dead we're gonna find like a dead rat and it was just this onion that was like in the back of the pantry that had got like slipped through the cracks and it was like rotting and it stunk like the worst time i've ever smelled but it was like we left on thursday and our pantry smelled fine my question like i think it was a mad old onion but i don't know what happened in the last three i think it was mad old why are you even putting an onion in the pantry that should be like fresh out on the countertop yeah i put it in the fridge or that lesson learned i mean you don't have you can put it in the pantry it'd be funny if you were like all right we're home what chester what are you in the mood for and he's like i was thinking

about cooking that 400 year old onion you come back you're like no but it was like like it was definitely like oh god we left that food and it went bad but it was more like what happened in the last three days where this went from zero to a thousand yeah what was the catalyst the worst smell i've ever it still kind of smells like it in there it's disgusting um should we road map it up um yeah let me wait i think wait no i wrote something else down on my phone too i think i do have another comment on my time in minnesota there was the coolest bar i've ever been to we went there and watched soccer on saturday and sunday it's like this british pub and then they have a rooftop but they they made like they put out like turf and a big tv screen so it's like

you're in the bar but you can just sit on the grass and watch and it's outdoor like it's up on the roof that's a vibe and it's just like a big field and everyone was just like posted up like blankets you know like people like brought that stuff which is it was so cool because yeah i don't know within the confines of a bar to have that much yeah i feel like that's like something that is like a very like just people have their dogs too or is that not really yeah that's a good question actually i feel like i would have seen more dogs if they let them so maybe maybe not but it was such a cool like everyone yeah for watching the soccer it was like england was playing too and they had like an insane comeback it was electric i was at uh you ever been a tall

ship in boston yeah actually no but i know it it's like the most outdoor bar like you're not yeah but there's a side part too that's like just you're just outside there's you're not even remotely inside yeah and uh this woman was freaking out at someone for vaping in our thing and we were like oh okay sorry sorry my bad but then you forget that you're because you're not you're you're you're so outside there's not like nothing that feels like you're in a bar and every time someone would do it they would come up and freak out and we were like i don't know it felt wild some guy came up and because there's one woman who's the one doing it every single time and then a younger security guard came up and was like hey i'm trying to help you out like

you guys you guys should just stop we're like yeah i got you i'm sorry um all right roadmap it up she didn't work there she's just worried about you oh and they have a they have a taxi boat from that bar to real house and we got on the wrong one and they brought us to like a different part of boston oh really yeah that's fun um all right we have a great episode for you guys today we have your pitches, our business pitches brought to you by Cash App to get paid on Cash App. We have Am I the Asshole? Lauren, do we have anyone

today? Oh, everyone was good this week. No assholes. We have two submissions, but I don't know if we can call this guy because he has work. The last guy we called at work went out to his car. I don't know what he does.

Do you remember when we called that guy and got him a day off work? Yeah, that was wild. I forgot about that. We can put that video right here yeah we did like a do you know about this that's kind of funny yeah will and i called someone's boss there was like we did like a promotion like around the super bowl that was like the day after the super bowl should you should get off work and so then they had something where it was like comment your boss's phone number and we'll call him and ask for him off and we had to do the calling and so we called this like random like number we're like hey can you can

can michael get monday off i was like what who is this i was like oh it's will and rusty and he's like can he get the day off please and the guy was like what who are you guys and we're like we can't explain and he's just like let me open the calendar up and he's like can mike can michael come in on he's like can you do a half day we're like sure work he's like all right he can come in at two i was like awesome we'll let him know and then we called the guy we're like you don't have to come until two on my it was like real it was so funny yeah his boss was just like the cool he thought it was like i think he thought we were like his buddies oh yeah i'll throw him a bone yeah yeah that's really funny i love that um and then we have this guy rocks followed by

teach me something yep and then uh in the in the vein of of independence and fourth of july which is tomorrow we are going to do amendments that don't exist and fourth of july traditions that don't exist and we are excited and we are red red excited can i go to the bathroom real quick yeah yeah i was gonna ask a killer question what you're the key q i was gonna ask where would you guys rank the fourth of july like on your terms of holidays because i feel like some people like love bottom really not bottom bottom third okay yeah bottom third i unless i'm with like family or there's like a hard event to go to i'm not really doing anything we have the power to or this 4th of July

this 4th of July there's no party that I know of yet I know I have no plans the power setting is happening that's on Saturday it's on the 6th you should have a killer party

at your house yes yes kegger kegger we gotta take that back yeah you keep it's like

this isn't on me I've been like whenever you wanna do it I'll do it you wanna do it today yeah we can leave work early and go do that

we'll do it this afternoon you keep being like dude we gotta do that I'm like I'm like down you just haven't all right i gotta go to the bathroom um i'm so sad are you really no no i was fucking with you dude you fell for that shit like fucking clockwork um all right i gotta get some clockwork done

should we hear some pitches or let's do it okay look at that clockwork yeah dude I'm swamped with clockwork with like yard work it's like yeah I've got a ton of clockwork oh oh oh

I see what you're saying that's awesome yep I had a pretty great Sunday got some clockwork done love it okay first one

is from Mikey wait I thought we were still talking about the 4th of July you want us to keep talking I don't really okay let's keep talking I wanted to tell you where

what i didn't even get my thoughts out oh you did and then you were like bathroom oh okay i'm sorry okay the fourth of july is great uh i like it but i don't think and i think we're gonna solve this today with the traditions but there's it's kind of just like let's have a big barbecue in the summer or go to the pool or the beach or whatever which is kind of already just the best thing to do in the summer yeah so it's like like the fourth of july is fun but if you have a beach trip planned the next week with your family yeah it's the same thing that's an interesting thought yeah there's you're not breaking up the summer at all like winter is broken up by this strange

yeah holiday that celebrates like a mystical man in red and like their presence and stuff they're gonna come for us again in the comments what mystical man santa claus oh i was thinking of jesus yeah people were people were furious about the bible verses yeah but no but yeah no you're right well yeah i guess the way i'm thinking about it right now i'm going at the end of july i'm going to my whole family's getting together like cousins and stuff and we're going to the we're going to spend a week at the beach like that's what i'm looking forward to that's effectively my fourth that's what fireworks are yeah you're not going to set off fireworks they do fireworks every thursday in old orchard beach yeah you'd be shocked how it how actually the east

coast little it takes for someone in maine to fire off fire like it's like a nightly that's pretty cute in in it's i think a lot of it is they just have so many leftover like their eyes are bigger than their stomach for fourth of july so they're just like all right we have so many just keep going fireworks yeah i guess we can just there's a lot i there was apparently recently fireworks in my neighborhood i was like in quotes because i was like holy shit chester i think there's like a shooting on our street and he's like no it's fireworks i was like it's 8 30 on a tuesday yeah someone's someone just got like a promotion yeah landon a big deal all right we can do everything now sorry all right i just wanted to voice my

take on that is an interesting one about yeah that day the things that you do sometimes they're like colored cupcakes and that's kind of it yeah like it's yeah it's also like i think like we've it's been long enough that like i don't think anyone really cares that much about yeah well also i think part of it too is like christmas comes out like and thanksgiving are probably they're my two favorites i love thanksgiving more than anything thanksgiving's my favorite holiday but i think in both senses it's like it's like the shittiest time of the year and it kind of is like a landmark but it's like fourth of july is like this is already the best time of yeah we're killing it already yeah we're already going to the beach and having fun and the weather's

great you don't need like it's like icing on the cake but it's not you're not like looking forward to the fourth of july you're looking forward to summer it's an it's just an excuse it's an excuse to like party a little bit harder yeah yeah and i love and i do love my country and that's not what i'm saying and except for the bad things lauren just go cut me off all right will loves everything in america okay let's get into the pitches yeah mikey mcguire and will loves everything we've ever done in this country are you guys ready yeah it's all right mikey mcguire says hey gang little pitch for y'all what's the worst part about getting together with your buddies for a pre-game slash post-game let's think about it well what's the worst part you are hungry

You looked at me like The guy who's gonna have the answer You run out of drinks Um You Your buddy's on an ox And he likes Like weird

Techno shit What's the worst part about The pre Wait sorry What's the worst part about Getting together with your buddies Your buddies for pre Cause everything they said

Sounds like good things Maybe like Someone doesn't know How to call it a night At the pre game The post game Or it's a post game Oh

Uh The Like someone is sad drunk and wants to tell you how much they love you. Your hands are really clammy, and you gotta dap everyone up when you get there. There we go. I like that one. Maybe people are trying

to do drugs. Oh, God. People are trying to do drugs there. Not having a speaker on hand and being stuck with some low energy and overall lack of vibrations. We've all been there. Introducing the Beats pill. We'll work out the copyright infringement

later. Just listen. One brave friend can take one for the team and swallow this pill-sized speaker after pairing it to their phone and instantly be turned into the function saving music vessel. Nice. The Beats pill emits sound waves that effectively turn your digestive tract into a

functioning speaker and allow the sweet, sweet sounds of your favorite tunes to radiate from your mouth and other orifices filling the room and reviving the failing kickback. Let me know your thoughts. Love the pod. Thanks, guys.

should we try it let's we're gonna edit this in post this is what it would be like i'd be like well good to see you bro it would be funny just like talking you can put any song you want in there talking to like a girl or something you're like hey can you turn this down i'm trying wait yeah does that mean you can't like talk like a girl comes up like hey like love your outfit and you're just like you know i know half the club oh here's what you do you take the beats pill and then you play like a really smart podcast out of it so she's like what are your thoughts on like uh king henry play this podcast yeah there's three guys three people's voices coming out of

yours she's like insanity maybe maybe you you can all take beats pills with your boys and then you can reenact a podcast oh very fun okay yeah i like that yep i'm in thank you mikey next one is from mo kelly she says pitch submission mo kelly mo kelly are you tired of kelly more problems mo kelly mo belly sorry are you tired of drowning in the monotonous textbook readings and lecture slides you have to complete for classes yes we're not in college fear not because we have a revolutionary solution that is exactly what you need introducing the edupod say goodbye to academic boredom and turn about the edu pod edu pod edging pod the edu pod it's like uh we're like all right now now go way slower okay sorry say goodbye to academic boredom and turn your textbooks into a

comedy gold mine with edu pod you can select your favorite podcasters for an audio book reading of your lectures and textbooks ensuring that even the most complex or boring subjects are dissected with humor and charm no more zoning out getting distracted or frying your brain with hours of reading just grab your phone open up edupod and hit play edupod let's make education interesting again and then she also says there's a catch will and rusty have to go or have to come up with a mini tune to go at the end of the slogan kind of like nationwide okay here's here's here's where i'm picking it's like cameo so you like i would hire you to read this chapter and will would be like like a biome i hardly i don't know you're like you're like yeah i feel like it'd be like

no way biomes yeah yeah yeah like it'd be like us learning it you read it and then and then we give our takes on it yeah yeah that actually is not a that's not a bad idea yeah and i feel like it's very possible with like ai like that definitely will yeah happening cameo edupod for the best grades you ever got nice i think yeah we might lose you to the jingle game yeah well you have been on the edge of losing me to the j game for a while so the j game we're gonna take a quick second to tell you about our new favorite partner it's super innovative so take a deep breath so you don't faint it's the world's first zero carb zero alcohol and zero taste beer that's right they did the impossible if you haven't figured it out by now it's actually just sparkling water the brand

is not beer that's what it's called not beer the can looks like a beer it talks like a beer but it's just sparkling water so you can drink it all day every day it's a healthy alternative to alcohol a great drink when you aren't drinking a beer and a fun and sustainable alternative to boring single-use plastic bottled water that nobody likes i gotta say i'm kind of falling in love with these things at work here's a big bonus that i don't even know if they they advertise enough they're twice as big as like other sparkling water yeah so it's i love having it at my desk it's a big can of sparkling water lasts me all day uh yeah they're delicious i will say they have a little more pop than other ones like there's there's like i don't know the exact

number maybe 10 more bubbles yeah and that really gets me going if you're a sparkling water fan i guarantee you're gonna love this one again the brand is called not beer n-o-t-b-e-e-r you can find not beer on amazon go to amazon.com and use the code 10 playdate at checkout for 10 off your purchase that's code 10 playdate for 10 off your purchase of not beer let's get back into this episode of podcasting here's a fun fact i met a guy named jerry this weekend actually the guy started entrepreneur oh nice you know that guy yeah jerry with a j first name is gerald with a g and he said that's the case for a lot of jerrys i find that hard to believe i find that very hard i mean i'm a i'm a jack john or i know a lot of jack john

yeah but that's the same letter that is a weird one it's just i guess wait your middle name is john no i'm my real name is john oh i thought you meant jack john oh yeah that's but okay that one is weird i'll concede but that one i was aware of yeah i didn't i this is the first i'm hearing of it and i and i don't particularly believe him well look up jerry seinfeld i wonder if it's the same jerome what does it say that on the bottom right is jerome a jewish name look up jerry springer gerald with a g look at that that is bizarre oh he just probably ended up the that i picture him holding a basketball did you say that yeah okay well now we have to now we have to crop the whole episode out

is that bad can i say that i don't even i don't know man i i think we should just try to push the boundaries and get canceled once i think it would do it would do wonders for a play date cancelled? Jerry Springer died? What? Yep. Last year? Almost exactly last year. That's wild. I don't really have a good read on who he is. I don't know why. I don't know a single thing about this man.

I think he told you if you were the father or not. Yeah, I don't like that stuff. It bummed me out. I think Dr. Phil's a bad guy. There was a season of Survivor Survivor China. Have you seen that one? this the winner of it was this guy todd he was cool and then he i guess like was dealing with

like alcoholism and shit and they brought him on the dr phil show and when he comes out he's like all fucked up and then he claims that they gave him they put a bottle of vodka and xanax in his green room what that's insane that was like kind of like baiting him because they wanted him to come out fucked up for like tv oh my gosh yeah on dr phil so yeah i've never been a big dr phil guy yeah i think it's exploiting people gives me the creeps creeps this is getting too serious for this podcast okay let's talk about like worms or something will should we pitch each other presented by cash app i would love to pitch each other presented by cash app it pays to get paid on cash app welcome to the pitch sesh brought to you by cash app rusty you're up um

all right what's the what's the one thing that you miss the most when you like move away from home if you're at like school or if you're in like a new location your friends family your family i present to you family for rent so uh you can hire a family and like once a month you can go over they'll come to like anything that you need to them to be at um you can go over for dinner and your like older brother can like give you advice you can like kind of pick on your little sister uh your mom makes all the things that your mom would make and they look like eerily similar to your uh real family yeah oh the last part throws a little bit of a wrench in it it feels hard to nail that so you got to nail down one that looks like it

okay they look nothing like you're they're the opposite of your regular family okay yeah no that'd be great i think you're do you worry that your real family would take it a little poorly because that's um i think when you start posting with them on like instagram and like you use pictures of your fake mom for mother's day and stuff you might run into some weird stuff. Sounds like a weird dystopian movie. Well, this is my pitch and I can have it be whatever I want. It is true.

Would you rent them? Hey, it's your pitch presented by Cash App. I think I would rent siblings, but I don't need parents. I don't want to replace my parents, but I think... You want to replace your siblings? No, no. I love... Shout out Jane and Sean are getting replaced. Sean 2 would be killer.

This time it's personal. Wait, so they would be out here? There'd be another Jane and Sean? Yeah, well, what if you what if you're what if one of your new siblings is like really hot though Yeah, but if they look eerily similar then why would that even be no in this scenario they don't look serious We changed caught your ass caught your ass. I literally red-handed. He thinks he thinks his siblings are hot I'm just saying what everyone's thinking at home. I Verbatim said you verbatim. They look families. No, and then I switched

there was a funny time after the funny uh moment last episode where i accused you of something and i said you said it verbatim and you were like that what that never happened you can't you can't say verbatim and then just make something up um no i said they look nothing like your family oh okay okay so that makes sense why they're hot then for you ugly ass family all right this feels like a lose lose yeah um yeah that would be confusing you feel like a really hot oh i just started watching milf manor last night oh wild it's speaking about your family um yeah i mean my family are gonna go vacation at our milf manor it's a reality show where uh so it's a bunch of moms right okay all milfs okay um and then when they're like

they think they're on a show about dating younger men which they are but then the men are revealed them and they're all each other's sons and they all sleep in the same bedroom as their mom and so you watch them like hook up with like younger guys and like they're like their son's age and then like they have to watch like older women hook up with their sons it's wild oh i was watching that like kind of bums me oh it's a huge whack i was watching i think cody did like a reaction video to it that's like how i found out about it and um one of the kids was like 20 and then there was another guy who was maybe like 23 and it's like the mom and then them too and he or and she goes like sweetie this is gonna be your dad yeah that bummed me out yeah um traumatizing

her name is she calls herself disco mommy yeah okay that i like you wouldn't like her she's like she's the look up disc club disco mommy let's count another yeah it's disco mommy yeah yeah Let's just go with it. She'd rock your world, Will. Of course she would. It's pretty easy to do. Would you, how, what's the oldest you think you'd date? 150.

No, actually, I'm curious. I don't, date? Yeah. Okay, hook up with. I was thinking, like, maybe, like, we keep it a little. No, no, I, well. Those are different things. Yeah, so let's, I want to answer the date one.

Okay. Like, actually have romantic. 30? Feelings for. 35 40 I no no

wait that's all I want I thought it was like I thought it was like a tell me when situation I think I think any

I think like 30 would already be weird cause you're 24 23 23 well I went I told you did I tell you guys about this

what I think I did that I went on a date with a 28 year old oh yeah and she didn't know I was 23 and she was like

so like what made you move out here I was like well i just graduated college and she was like how old are you and i was like oh was it a deal breaker for her 23 like like not explicitly but it was just like her reaction to it made me like feel like weird but even but i also didn't know she was 28 and then when i found that i was like a little like that was already like i think i'm out on this because like i mean she's great but like you wouldn't like i feel like we're at different points in our lives like 23 just

feels like i feel like she's ready to not to assume but like a lot of people are ready to like settle yeah i guess it depends like not necessarily by nature of being 23 like some people are 23 and are like ready to like yeah i feel like i'm like still trying to like understand like how the world works and how my brain works and i mean they've they've had they've had five extra years of like the real world we've been we've been in it for less than a year correct and i already feel like i've like grown up a lot in the one year oh yeah yeah and so i can't even imagine five years from now you know what i mean like i feel like i'm a completely different person than i was when i moved here yeah same like two years ago a hundred percent who's how old would

if how old would uh troy have to be before you would stop dating him in a world where he gets older he has benjamin he has benjamin button's disease 31 okay i don't know but also i would i don't even think i would do that maybe like 29 i mean that being said like if there was like a 30 year old that had like a house and was like into me i think like a sick house in the hill yeah house i feel like you'd be the house thing i feel like i feel like you would be you would feel weird if they were sorry you would feel weird if they were that far ahead of you like they have like a mortgage and stuff if we like we wouldn't have anything in common 401k now do you really yeah i just got

mine how much is it not yet i just enrolled i always thought a 401k was you it meant you had 400 like it was an account with exactly 401 000 it will be give me 20 years yeah that seems like it was like if it only if it has 401 000 in 20 years that would be low right no i think it'd be pretty good oh really i mean it takes like a tiny percentage it takes like a hundred bucks out of every paycheck or something oh oh oh oh i thought uh we had a guy named dennis and he cashed in his 401k to like keep whatever business he was he had like a hunting and dog breeding thing and he cashed it in to keep it alive and now he's screwed i think because if Well, if you cash in before you retire, you probably shouldn't keep that in.

You can't take it out too early. Yeah, if you take it out, then you have to pay taxes on it. Yeah, you can't. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Taxes, am I right? Oh, speaking of taxes, are you ready for my pitch?

Joe Biden again? Ready? There's my pitch. This is actually a perfect segue while we're talking about government. I'm going to make sure I get it right, though. It's like, this is how, like, no. Well, you're scrolling, yeah, on your phone. It's presidents.

it's presidents who know what planet they're on so remember the debate remember how awesome the debate was and I had a blast watching it did you watch the whole thing no I turned it off 30 minutes I watched half of it I watched yeah 30 minutes of it and I was I was like yelling at my TV and like cringing and I couldn't

watch it yeah the this is what they should do though okay so like obviously the debate okay this is like a this was a bad example because this debate was the worst thing ever but like in general the debate is like okay they're gonna go over like policy issues but i feel like the other part of a president that people want to know is like their like leadership and how they would handle like a

stressful like situation you know and make sure they're like up for the job so my idea is that in addition to the debate the two candidates are subject to a public crisis simulation love it and so they're it's all like cameras all in the room like a reality tv show and they're each in like separate rooms with like the same teams and the same made-up crisis and they get they have like a few hours to solve it and you can watch on tv and see how they approach the issue and delegate and get you know what i mean yeah and like what the end result of each one is isn't that kind of sick really is yeah also it's like a war room type set would be a fantastic reality show if we could pull it off yeah that too honestly yeah what would what would like give me an example what

would your crisis be like uh everyone's toilets are too hot yeah everyone's toilets are way too hot no like i don't know like a like the toilets are too hot no no like um like a big a bunch of pirate canadian pirates crossed into north dakota and they're looting why are they on their own foot These are land pirates? They're on speeders, like in Star Wars. I don't know. A bunch of Canadian pirates in North Dakota. There's like, there's a, Joe Biden's like, come on, man.

Get out of our, get out of our country, man, on your speeders. Trump's like, get out of our country. You're all, you're all gay pirates. They're gonna, they're gonna. People are saying they're some of the worst pirates. And, and, and. You got it? A boat and a border.

I lost steam on my impression there. Anyway. On my watch, no pirates cross the border. Here's what I do. I go up to the pirates. I say, turn around. You don't come in here. When I'm president, no pirates come in.

Pirates don't come in these borders. I go down there. I say, I used to know a pirate. I grew up with a pirate. My Uncle Bozy was a pirate. He was eaten by cannibals. You got to get out of here, man. What are you doing, man?

Come on. Since Joe Biden's been president, all the pirates have come on land. Did anyone notice there were no pirates? There were no land pirates when I was... Why do we keep pulling an imaginary string? He never does this. There were no pirates when I was president. Not one Canadian land pirate took a speeder across the northern border.

And now look what happens in his America. I called Trudeau. I said, you have the worst pirates. get out of our country man what the hell that was how it would go down but anyway wouldn't that be fun it would be a blast

we should definitely do more Trump and Biden impressions that's probably not polarizing at all probably not going to alienate any of our listeners we already alienated all our religious listeners last episode I hope they pick a new guy

yeah yep let's probably i think we're on the same page about it but maybe we just move on okay guys let's take a minute to talk about cash app you probably know cash app as the place to send people money like when you need to settle up with your buddies after a night out on the town well we're here to tell you that cash app actually has a lot more to offer cash app is the place for a faster simpler way to manage your money you can start saving with as little as one dollar as there are no minimum balance requirements with cash app savings you can get the most from your money with no hidden fees and no account fees will what do you love about cash app well i love that with overdraft coverage and security you'll have peace of mind and can spend more time thinking

about fun stuff like birds nice or worms both very fun things yes and you can also support your local community with the money you're saving on cash app i'm talking about those dollars going straight into the local bodega at the end of my street there we go so i can get little trinkets and toys lovely download the app and take control of your finances with cash app join the millions who already manage their money with cash app and start saving today make the most out of your money it pays to get paid on cash app let's get back into the episode my dad was a big mint romney guy mint romney and uh can i get a can i get a mint romney what are you drinking a girl that's delicious you come in you come in you just hit a hole in

one you walk into the clubhouse you go mitt romney's all or mint romney's all around i just hit a hole in one uh what's in a mint romney i don't know it sounds it's like what i don't think he drinks it's a mocktail yeah it's like it's ginger ale it's an arnold palmer but it's mint and ginger ale so it's half mint half it's really minty for some reason yeah it's like a lot of mint he doesn't even like mint it's just the only ingredient that rhymed with his name or on the baracks obama oh my god we can make a whole bar cocktail oh we've already done these yeah all right should we get into wait i'm sorry i'm thinking i'm trying to think of like a new one okay um so bill minton

wait um wait a ronald reggen yeah ronald reggen that sounds good um um one second um i wasn't saying anything george rome no it doesn't sound like bush at all tom thomas jameson this is awesome he's pretty good at these wait come on let's think of like another one for all of us to do what was one woodrow spilsen no that sucked no john mccain jump john mccain sugar john mccain sugar okay what other kinds of uh bourbon joe bourbon bang all the joe bourbon and he's gonna do a mint and for the and for the lady

a mint romney the bartender's like i don't know what the fuck why is this so political joe bourbon and a mint romney all right sorry i'll have a kim ramun all right this is all i want to do now vladimir um all right let's take a guess how many people clicked off the video during that i'm gonna go with four i think four george washington there we go george washington george washington that's so good um uh we'll come back to it we'll come back yeah um also this is the second time this has happened i'm 60 sure when i adjusted a couple minutes ago i just flashed to the camera so hopefully lauren

can edit a blur is ball sack in post yeah cool as opposed to like live someone's in the control room being like god damn oh fuck fuck all right all right um to hear some mns oh my god we've only got through one segment how long have we been recording hour and three there we go that's normal yeah that's killer I think this is like normal pace I know I just I think we

I think we got a little carried away With the I know It's like all I can think about now I'm trying to think of like other types Wait can we We need to We need to

Mescal We Will We are the We are the pioneers of the mint Romney The mint Romney We're gonna make it a thing Yeah

Oh something with Oh Vermouth Let's do something with John Wilkes Vermouth Wait that was from our I think I did that Yeah you've done that already

Saki sake okay this is wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait pull up a new tab pull up a new tab and shrink it next to each other and put the

presidents on one side that's Cal Gore there we go alright there we go we can end on that one that's Cal Gore pitches presented by maybe for my 4th of July barbecue that you guys just told me I was having we could do mint romney's and joe burt joe bourbons and mezcal gores

funny because it's like a weird selection of like people who didn't become president wait who is a paul a paul all right let's get into my asshole paul rebier yeah okay yeah we we should make a beer that's what i heard that's awesome we should make a menu we have a you have a bar and we make a paper menu and there are four drinks. Four American heroes. No, that's a great idea.

Paul Revere. I could do this. I could do this for an hour. A Harriet, wait, Harriet Tub of the, Harriet Tub of, Hoover.

All right, all right. All right, all right, all right. All righty. First, Am I the Asshole? Is from Stonewall Jack and Coke. tequila sunrise and hour

okay wait what was yours tequila sunrise and hour alright you can go Lauren alright first one is from Nate An Andrew

Okay sorry Okay Do you want me to No we can be done now Do you want me to leave the room Nope A gin and Andrews I mailed that one in

Okay I'm done I'm done I'm done That was fun I hate men I like hanging out with you I like hanging out with you I want to

I want to do this more We should film this And put it on YouTube Okay Lauren's flipping us off Okay No I'm not That kind of worked

That was not intentional Alright all right nate says i've been going to the same barber lady since i've been five years old she's cut all my family's hair and has been grown to be a pretty good family friend for the past year or so sorry for the past year or so she hasn't been cutting my hair how i want it not to the point where it's awful but it's just not what i want even when i tell her she still doesn't change the way she's cutting it at the beginning of summer she got surgery on her wrist and she set me up to get a haircut with her co-worker when i went to this guy he cut my hair exactly how i wanted it

and it seemed like he cared more about the haircut. Now she's back from surgery and I don't know what I should do. It would be super awkward trying to tell her I don't like the way she cuts my hair and switching to someone two haircut stations away from her. Am I the asshole if I do? You guys are having like a blast down there.

He's like, there's hair flying everywhere. You guys are like cracking jokes. I'm also laughing. Something funny about the barber getting wrist surgery. Is that like an occupational hazard? It's like she's Tommy John for a barber. She's on the IR. it's like the only surgery that would actually make it so you can't do your job yeah i think

well what i don't understand is he just telling her the same directions every time she's not listening or has he been like hey last time it wasn't exactly what i wanted he said even when he tells her exactly what he wants she just does the haircut she's always been doing but i'm saying she could just be misinterpreting the thing that he's saying consistently the wrong way so like if he hasn't voiced like hey last time wasn't what i wanted because of this i feel like that would be a good place to start but also just jump ship oh just go it's hard it's hard to uh articulate what you want in a haircut and if you're not like i have an impossible time describing what i want because we're not really well versed or maybe you are but i'm like

no i don't know the terminology i think here's what you do now that she's back you give you you take a hopefully you have a picture after the perfect haircut you show her that if she doesn't nail it that time you just go back to the other guy yeah yeah and if she if she asks which but no but i would but i think you have to voice the yeah you tell her you tell her like i didn't love the last one i really like the one he did yeah this is how he did it so put the heat on maybe yeah let her know there's like a young up and comer yeah yeah because she's getting complacent that being said also she's come back from wrist surgery maybe it was just her wrist was fucked up and that's why she was doing it wrong yeah she gives you like a fucking killer fade yeah i mean

when mike trout came back from tommy john he hit 50 home runs in a game mike trout got tommy john he also didn't hit 50 i was in a game i got i kind of i was so hung up on the first part that i was like all right no i don't know i don't think you're the asshole and but i do think are you fine with that we'll get show her the picture one last chance voice your yeah the weird thing is some i know families that have the same lady and they're like a borderline part of their family at that point which is kind of weird but i think how old is this kid doesn't say he's probably like in high school i guess probably like our age why is he well like if you're an adult maybe i would just No, you're right.

He's got to be in high school. High school or college. Like, I would just go to a different barbershop. No, but I think now that probably was what he was going to do. But now that he has the guy that is giving him the perfect haircut, it's hard. Yeah. Here's what you do. You go to that guy when you know she's not working.

And you make it like kind of an affair thing. And then you go to her and you tell her you want a centimeter off. So she feels like she's getting the haircut done. But in reality The other guy is gonna You're just gonna go to him after Or have her do it and say you want it longer than you do So that he can come in

Exactly yeah Oh that's what you were saying No I'd switch to it halfway through Or you can say you got a girlfriend and that she cuts hair And she wants to cut your hair Yeah but that doesn't solve the But that doesn't solve the guy problem You have to check

Say your boyfriend is him Yeah I'm sleeping with the barber I'm sleeping with the barber yep Kofi cuts my hair we're sleeping together Kofi cuts my hair what

do you want the fucking money or not alright thank you just shut the fuck up alrighty next one is from hit me

Coraline Coraline Coraline Coraline she says hey Lorne and the belt busters pause

is that like because we have hogs or because we're like fat definitely calling us fat hey Coraline I don't like your fucking tone so far so

that was I've never heard that so yeah I'm gonna start calling people I'm now gonna go the second this is over I'm gonna go find

someone on the street and lash out at them because of Coraline it's a cycle cycle of violence hurt people hurt people Coraline I'm gonna go home

and call Ty a belt buster alright unfortunately keep this anonymous as one of the house residents involved in the story

follows the pod Am I the asshole for accidentally leaving a floater in the frat house lavatory? This incident led to an internal investigation amongst the roommates. Can we pause for a sec, Laura? What? I think we should all take a second to pat ourselves on the back. The words. We've got two guys.

We've got two guys in the same fraternity that are playmates. We're shaping the minds of the youth. Wait, what do you mean? Someone in the house is also a playmate. Oh, is that what it said? Yeah. So he's like, we have to keep him anonymous. Oh, it's a guy.

This is a girl. No, it's a girl, Coraline. Oh, we have a... We have a girl and a guy in the same... She left a floater in the frat house. Let's go. She left a floater in the lavatory. It actually took me like a double take.

No, I didn't know what it meant. Like a steamy dump in the bathroom? Yeah. We still call my oldest sister floater because she pooped in the bathtub one time and yelled floater. Floater! That's awesome.

All right, so she's in a meeting right now and needs five minutes to call. Yeah, that's perfect. But... Wait, I didn't read the rest of it. What's her meeting about? She's in a... It's like AA meeting for floaters.

Yeah, she said it was fully an accident and said I had no idea. The toilet was broken. Obviously, I couldn't confess due to the fact I would die of humiliation. You can call for the details. I want to know. Hi. Wait, you got to put it on speaker. Yeah, we can't hear anything.

Wait, can you say it? Can you guys hear me? Oh, there we go. It always happens. Okay, your name is Coraline. Oh, okay. That's a cool name. Yeah, it's a new name.

I'll take it. It's a new name. Okay, so how far did you guys get? i read just your whole little description so this is so i cannot believe that's what i decided to tell you guys no it's it's hilarious like every time we call someone and they're like oh fuck like i'm in too deep i know i kind of felt like i was submitting it to a void of like no i've never seen it it was like my confessional that's so funny well here you are okay so all we all we know right now is that you left a floater in the in the lavatory the lavatory okay let me

preface with i'm only human people make mistakes of course um i have come to terms with that this is something i can like die with happily because it didn't really hurt anyone but let me start with the beginning so basically this frat house is not really a frat house it's kind of like we didn't have like frats and sororities at our college pretty much it's like a sports house and you would just be like really close with a team like a specific team so this was like a lacrosse house we just called it a frat house because that's where you like pre-game post-game the whole deal right so i was very familiar with like everyone that lived in the house and like me and my girlfriends would go there every weekend so i was very comfortable in that house obviously

um and it was maybe too comfortable sorry yeah some may say but it was um after the bar one night we had like a big post game at this house and it wasn't just like our small friend group it would be like randoms we found at the bar just like random ass other students that would show up so it was never like i don't know like the place would get trashed no one really gave a shit right but so there was i just remember um i was pretty drunk and this sobered me up so fast when i realized the toilet would not flush and it was like a single stall so it literally was in the middle of the house and i had like a sliding door and so i was like oh i'm just gonna use the restaurant real quick and it wasn't planned it was just like something like well while i'm here i

might as well and it was like nothing drastic right like i didn't destroy the place but it was obviously not just pee yeah and i went to flush nothing happened and i'm sorry if you guys are saying something i kind of can't hear you oh no i just yelled poop will's just mumbling under his breath it's fine typical typical um okay so i went to flush and i realized nothing was happening and i kind of had like a moment with myself in the mirror i was like okay i'm gonna tell the guys that own the house like what happened because we were good friends at this point like we were all like buddy buddy it wouldn't have been a huge deal or i could just leave and like never talk about it and so i went with the second choice to leave and never speak of it good call

over again i would do that um and so we would darty there a lot so it wasn't like abnormal for us to come over the next day like all hungover just hanging out um so we can't me and my friends came back over the next day i went to bed with like so much anxiety woke up with anxiety which is like debatably worse i go over there to like redeem myself in my head and be like okay i'll prove to them that i'm cool they don't know what happened but like let me just get some reassurance that they still like me even though you know yeah and wait can i can i ask a question real quick yeah yeah when you so you dropped the floater the the did you did you get out of there without anyone even knowing you were in there yes let me preface with that as well so the

bathroom's in the middle of the house right but it was a kind of a big house and they also had like a party shack in the backyard so everyone was kind of like in the backyard party there's like pool table couches tvs like we would all hang out there so like you go into the house use bathroom go back out to the party shack and so no one was really in there maybe a few people but it wasn't like there was a line waiting for me to get out of the bathroom yeah okay and so does that answer that yes okay so we come back the next day and the guy that owned the house i'm trying to start not to say names the guy that owned the house it was like him and four other lacrosse guys and the main guy was like okay who the fuck shit in the toilet and didn't flush it

and i was like god that's so gross who did that yeah we all were just like kind of going over like the randoms that had came over that night and just being like okay well you brought this like random guy back who was he like pointing fingers and i'm just like keeping to myself i ended up just like pinning it on some random guy that like my friend had brought from the bar yeah that's the right move thank you see like he didn't we never saw him again so it wasn't like we tarnished his name and like dragged him through mud we were just like oh that's the guy that shit and then like you know left and i to this day i've never told anyone turn turn of events as i'm dating a guy that lived in the house now oh shit and yeah and i've we've like joked about it

before it's kind of like poop bandit type thing like you haven't admitted to your boyfriend that it was you i can't i don't know oh i totally would eventually maybe maybe like on a wedding night or something oh i think i think you gotta play in the podcast wait yeah i was gonna i was gonna say the same the same thing uh i think you should record yourself telling him and send it to us because it's got it's if if how long have you guys been together um two years now so do you poop in the same house well we don't live in the same city so we're kind of like when we see each other i feel like i have to be like extra he he like does he know but he knows you he knows you poop i would hope so okay i think you should i think it would be hysterical to come clean

and how long ago was this uh i was like a sophomore so i don't know maybe like four years ago oh oh you've been really holding on to this you got you got to tell him and you record it it's like a blackout yeah you tell him that you're the poop bandit and you make you make a big stink of it and no pun intended and thank you and uh and i think that he will think it's hilarious okay i don't i can't promise because it is so mortifying like literally i think one of my friends knows and she was like yeah if they because i it's we could not show face if it came out that it was me yeah flip side your original idea about the wedding night could be sneak that one in the vows could bring the house down yeah oh my god yeah if there were a bunch of

if there were a bunch of uh alumni in the house they would lose their marbles yeah pretty close they would all probably lift it up and leave or like they all just go straight to the bathroom to get you back coralline can i tell you can i tell you something that happened to me that might make you feel better yes i was in syracuse new york and we were at this guy's house and i was like can i use your bathroom really quickly i just met these guys for the first time and i destroyed their toilet and then when i turned around not only did it not flush there was no handle like and i just didn't know what to do and so i was like i either go downstairs and pull a coralline or i or i own up

to my mistake and i went downstairs and i was like hey uh i just destroyed your toilet i have no idea what to do there's no toilet handle and the guys were so cool and they were like oh yeah it's really gross you have to uh physically pull the lever and one of the guys came up and did it for me and it made everyone much closer because we had all gone through that together yeah moment yeah totally yeah i mean like in heinstein i definitely could have just like laughed it off with everyone because i'm not like it wasn't like i destroyed the place you know but it was like there's something there it was a turd i should have i would have done the same thing as you thank you okay yeah you get it like 100 because i was hooking up with like one and i had like

not to paint myself not lying but we were a small friend group like we made it around so it was like we were friends but we also would like i don't know we weren't just they didn't see all of us and like just friend light so i feel like it would have ruined any chance like maybe i wouldn't even have my boyfriend now if you do yeah i did that you know so valid well we're gonna break it down but i really hope i think you should tell him and i think you should record it and send it to us and it would be so funny i will i'll sleep on it okay i only see him like every other month so i don't know if i can like dedicate yeah that's true ruin the trip it would be really funny honestly now i'll do it but i'll i'll think about it but i'm really scared to hear what you

guys think if you think i'm the asshole just make it nice please okay all right yeah we're not yeah we usually go really scorched earth like answering i guess thank you guys for listening to my poop bandit story this is probably the most mortifying conversation we love just like the transparent like this is the best yeah this is a safe space next time you guys are in nashville let me know i live with you right now this would be awesome hell yeah will do all right have a good day all right you guys too bye bye that's interesting what an asshole um gorgeous i know i saw the picture what she called and i picked up on my phone she was really pretty oh nice yeah um anyway uh would that does that change anything for you lauren if she would

think any of it changes any of it wait what i was saying if she was like if she was like if she looked like me would that make you think she's more of the asshole? No. All right, you're beautiful. Thanks, dude. I just think

and I know that we have different like you're always weird but I don't understand like the weird like we all fucking poop. Yeah, but it's different for girls. I guess. If you're like in a group

of like guys you might like you don't it's kind of embarrassing. Yeah. So I get it. I would do the same thing as her. For sure. I would definitely

I understand that especially in the moment like if you're like a little drunk like everything's like more like yeah but i i think now i you got now it's funny yeah she won now it's like there's no way they would be like what the hell no that's the ultimate like you'd you'd be a hero yeah that you've kept this a secret for that long if you told all those people like i hey guys by the way i'm the poop bandit they would lose their marbles yeah i do think if they get married that would be the funniest like when you were saying do it in your vows

I was like, you brought me through thick and thin when I lied about pooping in your frat house bathroom. And everyone's like, no! Grandma's like, oh, heavens. Fanning or something. It was her! It's like a murder mystery. Ah, that's so funny.

Yeah. Yeah, you got to come clean. You're definitely not the asshole. No, you're not the asshole, but you've created a hilarious predicament for yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Can you Google Coraline?

I wanted to see her name. Oh, yeah, show me a picture of her. Oh, wait, I've seen her. I watched her movie once. I think she, right? Didn't she make it? Okay, wait, I have an awesome idea for her. You resurface kind of like a serial killer writes notes

and calls a shot to the police. You reopen the case. Oh, mail a letter to one of their houses that's like magazine clippings. And it's like, I am the poop bandit But it's a whole new class by now No, no, no, she's saying like To one of the guys that lived there

Or no, do it to her boyfriend and be like, and I'm gonna strike again And then next time she's in town Go like a day early Detonate in his bathroom Oh, that's so good Alright, do that Thanks for playing Those were good ones

What? No, close that up Do you want to do more or do you want to teach me something or do you want to do this guy rocks we can do this guy rocks okay lauren i'm gonna airdrop mine dude are you guys familiar with double treble i i only am because i saw this exact i saw this exact video today okay so for the people at home double treble is this duo it's two women and they are really into uh singing look what you made me do at karaoke and uh they do this awesome performance like they they have like choreographed it they

practice it it's pretty great and these fucking guys uh came up on stage with them i don't think they realized how seriously that these people took it yeah but this is them in the middle of uh look what you made me do and then i believe they explain they explain their thought process after so let's give it let's give it a shot so that was from tonight at Lonnie's when these two individuals decided to rush the stage during our performance so like when she's trying to get oh my god great go on their account lauren that's not the best video for it i apologize so this is this is

if you're not familiar this is uh a duo called double treble and they like to perform look what you made me do at karaoke and this shows them this is the rehearsal and this shows how much they practice it and then it shows them live so just give it a let's give it a shot yeah i think i would lose my mind if i saw this at a karaoke dude they've like they've gotten like fans people come watch them do this and they murder every time that knee drop is no joke yeah these guys rock yeah that was awesome oh it looks like like a part of the oh feels like it hurts a little yeah oh oh look what you made five times what'd you say they performed it five times and counting yeah yeah that's pretty killer i slacked mine to brian this is chips and dip plus

pool equals tired kid there we go we found the mexican place the big scoop of queso watch that again yeah dude he is so close to the bowl yeah he's eating it like it's like cereal her soup oh that's beautiful that's it all right should we teach each other something yeah let's teach each other something okay do you want to go first sure all right you know about zachary taylor no who was he i don't know do you know who zachary taylor was no sad day for our country he was our 12th president okay so feels like he kind of got shafted i've never heard of him once he did get shafted he was only off the 16 months till millard fillmore took

over because he died okay why'd he die wait time out isn't that the guy whose son is like still alive like or his grandson is like still alive he was maybe he would they uh i believe zachary taylor's sorry to hijack this zachary taylor had a kid when he was like 90 and then that kid had a kid when he's 90 so his grandson is like he died young his grandson oh then i'm thinking of a different guy there's a guy who's who's whose grandfather was like the 10th president of the united maybe millard fillmore oh that's crazy zachary taylor's 12th anyway this is a fourth of july theme going okay on july 4th 1850 he was president he i'll just read this verbatim because you're going to think I made it up.

On July 4th, 1850, Taylor reportedly consumed copious amounts of cherries and iced milk while attending holiday celebrations during a fundraiser at the Washington Monument, which is under construction. He died a week later, or a few days later. Oh, he partied too hard. Yeah, he partied too hard on cherries and iced milk. What in the fuck is iced milk? Milk with ice.

They should shoot you right away if you're drinking that. I've definitely done that ice in your milk that is horrendous well you have to drink it really fast I knew kids that did that we must have been drinking it too but that's insane to think that he had so much cherries

and ice milk on the 4th of July how many cherries and ice milk do you think is too much should we try it also on our drink menu you want cherries and ice milk that would be funny the Zachary Taylor

the heart attackery Taylor or something. There we go. That's wild. Yeah. But also, I was also thinking about it, you think he just partied

way too hard? It was like, oh, yeah, it was iced milk and cherries. Yeah, he was joking. He was like, too many iced milks and cherries last night.

And someone was like, took it seriously. And then he died and they were like, yeah, I guess it was just iced milk and cherries. Wait, it says, four days of suffering

from severe cramping, diarrhea, nausea, and dehydration. Yeah. Shitted himself to death. He shitted himself to death. Ugh. Wait,

officially died from cholera cholera morbius cholera morbius sounds like a like a Harry Potter spell

cholera morbius cholera morbius yeah um that's fucking crazy alright he was also I was reading

a little bit about him and it was like he was like a very like president cause he was like he was a he sounds like a pretty mech guy

he was a military leader that like I think was like a hero of like the Mexican American war and then got not got elected

like people could get elected just off of like yeah i guess now too of like pure like they just did one cool thing public opinion but not like any like no one really knew what he stood for and he didn't really he wasn't president long enough to like figure it out yeah they just knew they knew they knew he was good at something yeah he was badass so yeah we should do that now like the most badass guy gets president i agree okay i'm gonna show you guys this picture we can put it right here all right so uh credit to this account i found it on this account called saint okay credit to those guys so it's a you see that it's a bunch of people eating at a table and their napkins are like draped over their head

and covering the and covering their plate okay this is a picture of french people eating an illegal french delicacy called ortolan bird the diner the diner places a napkin over their heads before eating and you're probably wondering why the heck would they do that how good can old tolling bird v historically they would put the napkin over their head to protect the sin of eating this bird from god uh with the napkin on they french people believe that god couldn't witness um their sins today eating this type of bird is outlawed it was so widely consumed at one point the population dropped by an estimated 40 but it's hilarious to just be like yeah this is wrong but like that's like when you like yeah you believe in this all-knowing being but you're like

His kryptonite is napkins. It's like when you get all the way under the cover so monsters can't get you. It's like the monsters, fuck. Dude, how good do you think this bird was? It must have been off the chain. Can you Google Orkin Tergenberg? Yeah. What's the-

Orkin Tergenberg. Oh, no. Or- O-R-T-O-R-O-L-E-R-O. Yeah, you can figure it out. Or it's a lano? No. That looks good.

It doesn't look like a bird. Wait, say it again. I'll try to spell it. O-R-T-O-L-A-N. Why would we play, like, the spelling game? I don't know. It's good for the audio listeners. Oh, okay.

It doesn't look very good. It looks tiny. It's like a... Ah! Ah, I don't want it. Oh, no. You know, like, picking and dissecting its little body. That's horrible.

Why would anyone eat a bird that little? It must have been just off to his house. It must have been off to his house. Yeah. What's the craziest thing you guys have eaten? I ate bowl testicles in Colorado. That was pretty weird. What did they taste like?

It was not... I couldn't... Like, I literally, like, I put it in my mouth, and it was so chewy, and then, like, you know when you're, like, watching someone else in pain, so, like, you hurt? Yeah. I was, like, imagine how much this would hurt if someone was chewing on your balls, so I literally couldn't eat it. It was really chewy.

Lost my appetite. I was also, like, where's all the semen? Do y'all feel? Ew. It's probably female. i had a i had a cow tongue in paraguay okay which i think is like somewhat not that yeah yeah but when they do it there at least like i think here they they take this part off but like there was like a film kind of around it that was like the taste buds or it was like it had this

like almost like plasticky coating kind of on it that you could feel like the taste buds and stuff like the meat itself was fine but it was the gross it was really gross that's i didn't like it and it looked like a tongue yeah yeah it was like straight off the cow oh no it was still licking my my grandpa it was in a clover yeah my grandpa this would always fucking kill me he like loves his steak and his burgers like really rare yeah and whenever we had a restaurant they're like how do you want it cooked and you go i want it still mooing that is funny that's wild i don't You know how people... He loves it.

Whenever my dad got, like, bad, gross meat, he would always be like, oh, you can see the mark where the jockey hit it. Wait, implying it was, like, a horse? Yeah, yeah, like, if you got, like, a steak at, like, Denny's or something. Oh, that's so funny. Your dad's a funny guy, dude. He is. I love your dad.

He was, uh, he had a killer Instagram post the other day. Did he? Yeah, I can't remember what it was. Was it the hiking trip or something? Yeah, the caption made me laugh. I'll pull it up. My parents are pretty badass. they just went on was your mom in that i didn't recognize any of the women yeah where'd they go

it was like three nights in the white mountains in new hampshire where they like stayed in huts oh he deleted the captions every day to like like yeah i know i just said the trail provides in my head it was like a killer capture that's great capture but it was cool though um they talked i talked to him they said it was some of it was like kind of it was like pretty intense so like the hike itself yeah yeah like they were like they were like scaling rocks and stuff i mean they're in their like mid 60s now yeah that's not my dad is in his mid 60s my mom's listening she's in her early 60s shout out the denones yeah lovely women and men that was weird lovely yeah i don't know why that made it weird lovely people yeah um lovely family lovely family yeah yeah i found

that picture that you took of me where we'll try to take a selfie we were at his like christmas party or something at his house oh yeah i have like the weirdest smile and it was like my friend over there put it on the story yeah my friend over there thinks you're cute yeah yeah we can put the picture right here put it right here make lauren's job way harder way harder for some reason all right should we do amendments that don't exist or fourth of july traditions that don't exist you want to do fourth of july trip oh yeah happy fourth of july everyone rusty what are some of your favorite fourth of july traditions maybe we should do like a more casual what are some of your favorite fourth of july traditions oh well uh uh my family and i we find like a british guy

from our town we take him to the town square and we tar and feather him oh my god yeah it's a blast that is a poor guy it's off the chain that's off the chain um we do the abgr which is the age-based grill rotation at our cookout so everybody makes a burger for the person younger than them we line everyone up by age i love it so the old the grandpa gets a burger that like a baby made yeah and anyway yeah it's kind of fun though it's like yeah everyone gets their turn on the grill and you just kind of rotate it i love it yeah that's why i have all those grill marks on your arms right yes you like fell on it when you were a kid yeah i was looking for gold um my family and i were still like a little bit butthurt about you know all the things that the

british said to us as you can tell yeah so we like to break into the snapple factory and spill all their tea everywhere that's good yeah for a second you had me thinking snapple is a british company no i don't think they are the thing yeah yeah we do the firework race which is we line up at the edge of the uh forest right by our place and everyone launches a firework laterally into the woods and we see which one goes furthest okay it's also the it's the i thought you were gonna be like it's the first guy to catch their own firework yeah well if you catch it you get two points there we go yeah but it's like we launch we there's like the woods and then there's like kind of this area that's just like a lot of like dry like brush and stuff and we usually just launch

them in that way and see who goes the furthest um that's similar like you know every year your fireworks display like gets a little your dad gets like a little bit grander yeah with it ours has gotten so out of control that we launched my sister into orbit on a rocket. And she just is up there for the whole barbecue.

We do like, you guys go to the parade? Of course. You know how on sports parades a lot of times people throw a beer up and then they catch it on the float? So we do that, but on the 4th of July to really lean into the American nature, we do it with 40s.

So we like huck Colt 45s on to like it'll be like the local like marching band and stuff and we're just on the sidelines like kind of painting them with glass bottles i love it it's so much fun yeah it sounds like a blast um we only do this every once in a while but um some years we go we go to england and we make fun of everyone with their with that stupid accent yes yeah good yeah someone's got to do it i feel like we had we took different approaches to this but yes we're having fun yeah well my roommate's british so and my cousin they'll be fine i mean i fucked this up my roommate might cry uh and um we also do the well i mean i'm guessing who is like your dad usually grill at

the cookout yeah does he do the paul reer thing yeah of course so like once the burgers are ready he gets them all on a plate and then he gallops around and i do the coconuts behind him and we go the burgers are ready the burgers are ready the burgers are ready you do that right sometimes of course yeah well it's no barbecue without that yeah exactly um the relish is coming that's fantastic okay uh we like to go to all of like our local cafes and we order all the english breakfast tea okay and then we just dine and dash we don't pay for any of it that's good yeah that's really hit them with their puck yeah it hurts the most their pockets yep uh i do the oh do you guys do the drink around the colonies where you haven't you okay so you set up a table

and everyone is themed like one of the original 13 colonies and then you guys drink around the colonies where you rotate and you have one class like you start with like a classic like delaware mule and then you do like a pennsylvania whiskey bomb and then you do like a connecticut snapping turtle and then and you go just one by one through all the states that sounds like so much fun i think i nailed the first three states in order the fourth of july is today tomorrow the fourth the fourth of july is tomorrow what are some of your favorite amendments oh my god i mean where do i start first of all the right to sleep in i'm so glad that that was enshrined in the bill of rights i agree because i mean some days there's days where i just don't want to get out of bed

and i say well this is what benjamin harrison died for yeah um this one's my favorite but it often gets like misinterpreted yeah i really like the right to a fair trial oh yeah where if you want it you can have it at your local fairgrounds and the the jury can go ride the rides and like eat caramel apples in between witnesses so everyone's always in a good mood everyone's always ready to govern yeah govern yeah it was good probably yeah good to use the word govern um also i believe remind me again which amendment it was the the one about soldiers quartering in your house the third amendment so the third amendment says that soldiers can't quarter in your house but people don't know is the 28th amendment says that your buddy's friend from

college can't crash on your couch even if your buddy asks you nicely a few days in advance you can say no because you have to say no it's the law yeah um that's annoying because i had i had the the girlfriend's friend quartering act where once the girl's trip's over they're not allowed to stay at your house even for one extra night that's similar but i think that was 29th yeah um do you remember the oh yeah the um the no man woman or child may yell at you for ripping ass on an airplane that was an amendment they added yesterday after my performance yeah where they were like this guy should not feel bad even though he feels really bad they were like it's unconstitutional how bad he feels yes yes and so they changed it they had a new one yesterday

i love that thanks biden uh my favorite i think it's the 31st amendment yeah um each person gets one i swear to god uh a year and they no matter what they did wrong if they swear to god that they didn't do it they didn't do it they didn't do it yes i love that one how about um do you remember when they federally enshrined in the constitution the five second rule they literally made it it's illegal if you're a germ it is illegal within five seconds of food hitting the ground to pounce yes i remember that um do you remember do you remember when all those taxidermists were getting in trouble no tell me they they uh they kept getting caught with like a suspicious amount of bear arms and so that they made the you have now have the right to bear arms

where you're allowed to have them if you want you can have as many as you want you can do whatever you want with them you can pretend to be a bear you can scare your friend with them you make all sorts of bear noise you have if you want it you have the right to bear arms that's really important i agree i hope that never gets misused uh okay the uh right to free shirts that is the most american thing of all time is the free t-shirt at an event or a carnival or something there will never be a day in this country where they can make it a rule that you have to charge for shirts because that is there's nothing more american the right to free shirts and a free t-shirt yep um i i like this one i think they just made it i think they just made it like in the last week

uh uh both presidents have to say something nice about each other before a debate it's set it sets the tone and if they can't say something nice about the other person you can't run that's pretty good you can't be in the election if you actually do you remember when they did that yeah with trump and hillary one yeah he was like he was like or she was like I really admire his I don't know why I did her Yeah Yeah

And what did he say nice about her He was like She's determined Yeah It was both like Alright Yeah Well that was

Something That was a viral That was something for sure That was a Lauren didn't like any of them You got her to laugh once She laughed zero times at me I'm

No I was just Looking at the drive Making sure that it Wasn't Fast forward And Emily was messaging Who's that sloth On the couch

First of all Her name's Lauren I called you Laura the other day and Will did not like it you said it again today I'm getting pissed again just thinking about it I like it

I don't mind it's like when I call you We Will We We this has been a killer episode guys wait alright

let's name all the states can we I want to do more states no why no naming things why not we have the right to name things

the right to name things do you think I can name every state without looking um no no I can I think you're gonna do the song

what no I don't know the song do you think I can name every country that's ever started a war oh wait Lauren

can we do can we do a quick a quick round of five question trivia me versus Will to end the episode who has the trivia um

sure what do I google google uh are you smarter than a fifth grader Do 4th of July trivia. Oh, yeah. 4th of July.

4th of July trivia. 4th of July trivia. All right, don't look, though. All right, the capital of the United States is Washington, D.C., but it used to be... New York. Philadelphia. Yep. Fuck.

They're both true. Oh. I don't know. Or Lancaster, PA. There's a sneaky one. Wait, Lauren, did we both get it? No, it just says Philadelphia. Okay, well, New York was one.

Yeah, they all were. Okay. Okay. On the original flag, in what shape were the stars laid out? Circle. Yep. the united states was originally made up of how many colonies 13 this is ridiculous this is a bit trivia for babies you haven't gotten it obviously

yeah what obviously i'm better at baby trivia no like you're saying i'm you're always hanging out obviously i know it's fucking 13 colonies okay okay i just named them all what bird did benjamin franklin want to be the national bird the turkey yeah who was the principal author of the declaration of independence thomas jefferson yeah this is so dumb how many people signed the declaration of independence 43 wait that's a weird one uh i'm gonna go with neither no whoever's i'm gonna go with 26 nope okay who was closer uh rusty let's go who how many was it 56 let's go no well i was close i got one of the numbers right all right what president was born on the fourth of july george washington nope calvin coolidge all right that went from zero to 100

name three presidents who've died on july 4 well zachary taylor i guess nope uh doesn't count george washington died on july 4th mckinley mckinley howard taft john adams thomas jefferson james monroe damn all right now the last one wait john adams and thomas jefferson both died on the 4th of July? Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, last question. What is considered the most American dessert?

Apple pie. Wow, I'm impressed. I don't think I would have gotten that. That's so subjective. Apple pie? Yeah. Is that like a known thing?

Yeah, that's literally a saying. It's as American as apple pie. Yeah, yeah. There's more, there's more. Who was the oldest person elected as president? Joe Biden.

Yeah. Yeah. How many hot dogs are being consumed each year on the 4th of July? 76. what that's such a weird question oh i'm gonna go 77 wait nationwide i thought you meant like what's the record 74 i think is the record okay no it's 150 million okay that's ridiculous this

is ridiculous all right one more what is no no five more five more what are the 13 stripes on the u.s flag in the colonies 13 colony betsy ross what that's not what that means at all that's who That's who made the flag. It says Betsy Ross. No, it says who sewed. Wait, wait, it does say that. It does say that. Okay, okay, wait.

Wait. All right, go back, go back. These questions are fucking ass, bro. It says, what do the 13 stripes indicate? Betsy Ross. All right, one more. Nobody look. Okay.

What are the first seven words of the Declaration of Independence? I pledge allegiance to the flag. We hereby declare. uh is it we hold these truths to be self-evident no that's like in it but i don't know a new question new question wait wait wait wait four score and seven years wait wait no don't say don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it i think i got it um three our fathers came together there's something about fathers wait wait wait a birth of a new nation one in the course of you went in the course of human events went in the course of human events

did i get it yep all right i think i won that how much money whose personality are you guys stealing i'm gonna steal betsy ross's i'm gonna be sowing the fuck out of everything and you're gonna put 13 lines because of betsy ross uh no let's think about this i'm gonna steal uncle sam i'm gonna steal zachary taylor's dude i'm gonna go crazy on iced milk and cherries who was the guy that who was the one that was always fucking dueling guys Hamilton? Yeah, I'm going to steal Hamilton. I'm going to start a duel at the bar.

How does a bastard? All right. Anything else you guys? No, I'm done. Nope. What are they commenting? Comment your favorite. Oh, yeah.

Comment. Comment your favorite 4th of July. Comment your favorite one. Comment. Comment a fun historical fact that Will and I don't know yet. Yeah. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, wait. When's? What, Lauren? I'm just looking scared. I just don't know. photo of that guy over there will her name is lauren all right let's all right we love you guys have a great rest of your week hopefully a long weekend and uh take it easy and we love

you and we'll see you guys next wednesday bye Thanks for watching!