Will & Rusty's Playdate - my welcome to greek life moment

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

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are we rolling play date play date do you uber eats birdie a jacket i didn't i didn't uber eats it i postmates did actually thank you very much postmates a dog jacket you can postmate anything that's what i'm telling you a lot of people out here they're on doordash they're on uber eats you think postmates has more options postmates has postmates knows no bounds uber eats your boxed into food wait isn't uber eats and postmates the same company but that's why i'm saying why would you ever use uber eats i have postmates for in the event it gets cold out and my dog doesn't have a jacket 25 minutes there's one at our doorstep with uh with a plush toy and a pig ear and a i believe some sort of hoof now i want to be very clear that's the cutest thing i've ever

seen the jacket and so i'm very happy that she has it right there's there's no functional element to it i don't know i don't know it's like 65 it's like 70s today it was 50 it was in the 50s and my thought was by the time we're done recording today it's gonna be brisk i don't want her to get like a cold or something imagine if a dog is that a thing i thought dogs are like tough as nails aren't they every time we need every every time we need andrew to google can dogs get cold always tinkering with the birdie cam he is now he's licking the camera from behind he's licking it from behind and he's oh no he's taking his socks off um yeah i don't know the functional i will say there's like a lot of flap in the back like if it is working it's only keeping

her front part yeah she seems not to mind it though she likes it right yeah she seems to love it i will i will say the it has like the hand like these pockets that are for your hands yeah on the back you know the guy invented that was like was like he like called all his boys over when he was finishing the last stage so clearly functionality or could you imagine you walk in and she's like standing upright with her hands in those pockets that would be fucking awesome guys for context there's a dog i know we never introduced our guests birdies here again a lot of people were wondering in the last episode was she a real dog because i don't think she moved is that a dog is that a i've ever seen the catchphrase guy andrew he does ones like

who put that in the butter i have i'm just a i'm just a regular guy i'm just a regular guy but uh yeah we're enjoying it she hasn't really taken to either of the meat snacks i'm kind of trying to jackson and john i don't get it oh oh oh she's like they're a couple hunks of meat oh oh there's nothing to get no nothing she she hasn't so she or who will and liam so that the audience can get it too nice there okay now we're talking yeah she lives with my sister who's a vegan oh and oh god what is oh god i know i know and so i was like she's missing out on all these things because my sister was like she's allergic to chicken don't get her chicken stuff is she just saying that because she's vegan that's what i thought and then these both started feeding her

chicken these i actually have been giving her chicken and she's been completely fine she was like it just upsets her tummy uh and i was like that's not you don't know that she's so cute you can't talk to the dog she's really sweet but i got her these things and i think that she might just be a vegan dog because she doesn't like either of these meat snacks you only choose on the plushie toy and their food is like kara says she's a pescatarian and i was like she doesn't know she's a tiny baby dog she's just that right if you're a tiny baby dog you're just a tiny baby dog yeah you're not you don't have dietary preferences but she does she has to in kara's defense has only eaten fish since i've gotten her and she's had options no maybe she does do you get

new shoes no no i've had these but i you know what they feel they've always felt a little like a little skater boy for me and so i've kind of only worn they they're pretty dirty right no like no on the tops oh i've probably only worn these twice so i don't know what i was doing in them was it for you kicking shit i was at hanana's with sam okay yeah hanana's checks out it's a pretty dirty bar yeah i guess as far as floors go if there was a floor that could get your shoes dirty in one go yeah i'd be like walking to and from what i were to an emo concert or something yeah wait why is there why is there face paint all over my shoes it's like i only wanted them to an emo concert once yeah i just kicked that kiss fan in the face yeah why is my uh what that

why is this shit all over my lips all i did was kiss the guy from kiss or something i watched have you ever seen uh gene simmons from kiss kiss lecture lecturing that kid on dr phil no he's lecturing a kid about dr phil or he's on dr phil you watch out for that dr phil i'm lecturing you on dr phil right now he was on dr phil and some kid was i think the premise was like he wanted to be a rock star and dr phil did not like that and so he brought gene simmons an actual rock star to be like you'll never make it in this business really it was nicer than that but it was gene simmons whole pitch was like about doing the right thing and and it was a really good sentiment but then i remembered i'm like it's the guy from

kiss like you're i'm nothing against him but like did he have the stuff on no that would be all time you got no you got no career kid go get a job it was just funny like i'm sure there was he did he had his fair share of like debauchery yeah unless kiss was like a straight edge band and the look was just all for show i'm just now picturing him giving a lecture on dr phil where it's like a ted talk and he's in the full paint this is dr phil here's how he made it what are the kids what are the kids in the audience is like what is going on why is this the ted talk died we used to do tedx at our high school really twice a year once every two years and there was always would they let you guys do it or would it just be like it was like one they'd always let like one of the really smart

kids do it and the kid in our grade that got up there forgot his uh opener for like what do you mean like his whatever he was going to start his ted talk with for like 15 seconds and it he was the nicest kid and it was so but he was already into like brown like his life was good but this was like gonna be the cherry on top and i remember i can't remember how he got out of it but he found his groove but for 15 seconds i think someone at one point like yelled his name and was like you got this and then he like snapped back into it but it was it was tough to watch i never been to ted i'd love to go i only we only upperclassmen could go i told you the weed thing we were on my high school was on cnn for for a ted debacle oh maybe but i forget it this everyone's

gonna be like oh fuck the willie fuck you did i tell you this i don't give a fuck the ted weed thing no ted weed sounds like a ted we nightmare dude my buddy no that guy sounds awesome yeah it's like dude this everyone's way too high strung let's invite ted weed over we yeah he sounds like a chiller all right you this guy baked this guy baked a bunch of pot brownies oh which is like such an unc delivery method yeah we like made him himself and then brought him in and the plan was like everyone was gonna uh be high for ted because it was if you were junior seniors you were there all day and like some of these are pretty boring things for a 17 18 year old and so everyone's high and they gave a little bite to this other kid and didn't tell him which

is like so messed up at school yeah and uh this kid was like one of their buddies whatever gave him a bite and then told him like right after he ate it like that was weed and he was like what i don't think he'd ever smoked before and like kind of had a meltdown and it's like they found out he was high and then i think it went at ted talk no they like before right before they went so you're like in class the first half of the day got it or you're in your home room or your advisory or whatever and then you go god so right as everyone's like migrating down to the thing they're like that was weed and so he went in to the nurse's office and was like freaking out and the whole thing got busted not because of this yet not it was just like that was the first domino to fall

and on like cnn it was like main high school why would that ever be on cnn i think it was like probably a slow news day i think i think now now we're used to like crazy like this is a historical event happening today i when we were kids it was kind of like there were some lulls yeah yeah i guess you're right i that seems like that would be like unless someone like had like a like a kid got too high at high school and went to the nurse cnn breaking news i think jocks bully nerds headline it's like the most stereotypical like that's also your worst nightmare is a guy who is high at high school is like oh my god this is gonna be a worst case yeah yeah football star kisses hottest girl at prom more at 11

hot jock hot jock wins yeah that is like the most like oh he accidentally ate the edible why does that feel like i think the ted the ted part was the can you google ted edible google like google like ted edible cnn no definitely no google ted edible i like i like that actually let's see if it comes up let's see if it comes up yeah please invent i mean that's the portland press herald but this was this was the story it was on cnn to my knowledge maybe not the website but the i believe the news the news channel wow yeah so the guy that the guy that was like the you know the what time of year was it can you look on the thing it's june 2010 no that's not right no there's no it was june december yeah i was gonna say june's like peak season for man this

is like this is like first week of december main news story yeah yeah no one's left their house holiday breaks about a start in between thanksgiving and christmas so there was another weed thing at our high school there was also like news this kid uh a freshman on the lacrosse team found out that like completely outside of school nothing to do with the lacrosse team just on their own time some of the older guys were eating edibles and he told on all of them to the school like it had nothing the school like do anything about it uh no but he got i think they like they were not on his side for like telling on them whatever he ended up transferring to a private school oh i think you said because his life was so miserable after because it was like

snitches get stitches also we went to a public school it's like half your teachers are sports coaches so it was like the lacrosse coach who he told on is like his social studies teacher yeah or whatever or it was the teachers he told on sorry told two god he's like he's now like all of our best players took a weed brownie outside of school not at anything like what are you doing i remember having a you ever a professor that's like you was like the stoner professor yeah but in high school so i guess like a teacher there were guys i had my suspicion but no it wasn't like a it wasn't like a no ponytails no we had this like long hair like textbook stoner math teacher which is kind of funny taught like calculus yeah that's a cool

yeah it was kind of sick uh like getting high and like solving for e or what was finding you're talking you're barking up the wrong tree i stopped taking it i never took math in college but i did take calculus in high school anyway whatever i forgot his name even uh anyway he had a guitar in his room sometimes he'd like play guitar and like he had like all these like zz top records and like yeah it was just so on brand but i remember one time i'm walking in his class and i accidentally bumped his guitar and it like fell over and like the chill stoner professor out of nowhere goes you fucking idiot you fuck what the fuck and like and i went like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry he's like it's fine just go sit down and i was like oh my god i've awakened like

right a side of him that like does not come out he's been pushing it down yeah you fucking yeah he's like what the fuck are you doing you fucking idiot i've never been yelled at like that in my life he immediately goes back to like the the performance side he like kicks his feet up on his desk he's like it's cool man it's all right it's cool it's all right hey hey grab a chair they trying to make life a square i look at it like a rhombus i love a good ponytail professor that's when you're like we're gonna have some we're gonna we're gonna go on an academic journey this year yeah and he was eight feet tall and he had fingernails long as the mississippi and he wore what did he wear green gloves big green top hat close so um we had a we had a

did you ever have one where like if you could get them to talk about their life that you didn't have to do class that's what you're doing yeah you'd like trick them into he was aware that we were doing it like it wasn't like he wasn't a dumb guy we weren't getting one over on him he would it was just like you had to give him an interesting enough like lob for him to grab it yeah and uh he was in he was in the gulf war but he was also like a very um kind of chill guy so there were these two different types of stories you could get where it was like fun growing up in canada or like uh my friend he told us this once unprompted we we were like waiting for a class to start and i kind of walked in like halfway through him telling it so i didn't really get

the the beginning but he goes yeah he fell out of the helicopter and his feet landed in the mud and they snapped forward so his legs were right angle going the wrong way and we were like what but he could still walk it was just like a knees flip he sorry he was telling this about one of his like wartime oh okay got it got it got it and we were like oh my god what have you seen that sounds horrible that's like worst case like there's a few things where it's like all right i'm good i think if i remember it correctly it was like one of those drills where the you're supposed to the helicopter was like 30 feet above the ground in combat again don't don't remember all the contacts but he was he was always talking about how they're

they would like slide down those ropes yeah and so i think the guy just like might have been early in training he's just slipping rope he slipped rope what's the worst that's ever happened the guy's slipping a little rope i uh i thought i think of like a crazy story i had a math teacher that was in the marines by the bell and uh he would tell us all his like war stories and stuff and he was like yeah man one time we had this rpg he was like it was the first time i've ever seen someone evaporate and i go oh i'm 13 like now i'm gonna think about this for the rest of my life wait he's saying he hit a guy's square with an rpg that is yeah and he was like he just evaporated He was like the only thing left were his shoes

Nothing left but his shoes? But his shoes He fought in like the cartoon war What? It's like just legs Wait is that real? There's like a shadow outline of like his figure on the floor The only thing left were his shoes?

That's what he said That doesn't make any fucking sense His shoes would go way before bones Dude he fought in the cartoon war Fought in the cartoon war He got the thing he got hit by went you guys his last words were guys you're gonna want to see this he's right behind me

forgive me i'm not super well read on like war logistics is it common for the the rpg to hit the guy directly isn't it usually like they just kind of yeah like go for like an area tank or like yeah yeah like that if you if you were sending your son off to war you the like the worst case scenarios he gets hit directly by the or maybe that's better than like suffering like worse to be like you fall off a bridge when you're crossing a river and you get dangled by your feet no one noticed so you just have to dangle there until you like so much blood rushes your head you die oh and your arms cut off oh my god that reminds me i had i'd perhaps my highest google of all time and i had the it was it's like we look it up it's like 1 million 500

i was sitting there and it was usually like i'll see stuff i googled the next day and be like oh my god that was pretty high this was the first one we're like in the second i googled it i was like that's that might be the highest one it was uh i had watched pirates of the caribbean earlier that week and you know the in this opening when jack uh jack sparrow's coming in and he sees the pirates like hung from that rock and it's like just the skeletons and it says like pirates be i was like would a skeleton uh would a skeleton stay together oh my god sorry this is a horrible story but this is how is what prompted i was watching malcolm in the middle and i thought you were watching parts i know i had watched pirates of the caribbean earlier in the week

this connects and there's a scene where they find an old janitor's office that has been abandoned and there's a the janitor is still propped up but it's just his skeleton but he's still wearing a hat and he's still wearing his clothes and his boots got it and i was trying to figure out if a guy died sitting up wouldn't his skeleton like crumble or would it stay together and so i googled like wood skeleton wood skeleton well i think that's a valid question the way i googled it i was worried it was like gonna like flag like the fbi because it was like would skeleton stay sitting up if left to decompose without any external factors and then i googled it for pirates of the caribbean and it says if under the right conditions it could

do that because the tendons are like the last thing to go so it could hold it but they'd all have to be like the right stage of decomposition it would like a lot of things would have to go your way but you could get it you could get a skeleton to be sitting perfectly i'm still wearing his hat that's kind of awesome should we try it yeah i'm down who should we do it on i'll just stay in this chair perfect and we'll just see how long we go yeah we'll just keep doing pods until you can't talk yeah we'll have like binder sit on your lap wait but he still i think he has to die like yeah but he can still talk right no because then it's like all moving okay you can't talk we'll just have binder sit on your lap have you ever been at those uh those

science museums where it shows like a human nervous system or the one where like they like cut the body up into like a bunch of phases and they like pull it out so you could like see what everything looks like i always thought those were models some of those are are people who donated their body to science all right can i ask you a question that perfectly intersects binder and science please what color is your science binder oh man what's ready science the color of binder that you would use for science is three two one green is what i thought would make sense i don't remember if that was right though okay what about social studies history ready three two one blue oh i think science might have been orange all i know is math was red wait math was red

we're doing a game okay english three two one yellow no history is blue because of the ocean it's most i think you're like geography most of the globe it's true 75 percent dude you know what's weird when you're in japan did you see like their uh maps their ocean no so like you know how our map is like fixated on the u.s and so you can see like most of the continents when japan is in the center it if you didn't know what was on the other side it just looks like all ocean so like they were there and you could see like a little bit of china and russia and like some of the other asian countries but it's like their map is mostly ocean look at world maps in japan wouldn't the left side of it be mostly land yes so yeah not like are you looking

at man yeah i guess maybe it was a specific one in the part of the airport that i was looking at but it was like japan was like way zoomed in and then it was just mostly ocean i thought that was cool that is cool yeah i guess a world map always shows the world oh it wasn't a world it was like a map of yeah yeah yeah when i was playing jeopardy on monday sorry like watching along watching i was on jeopardy when i was watching jeopardy yeah i got i was on fucking fire they they asked a question about who created the map wait ask it to me it was like this magellan no that was what jacob said too i got it correct it was what was it was that you'll get it once i tell you the full question it was like this person created a map where the proportions of all the

countries are the same size or something according to that galileo mercator because it's a mercator projection oh isn't that cool and then this was embarrassing we're there was one category that just called ice cream yeah and the and you nailed it you got all five yeah i was big back went crazy i got every single question and jacob and i just looked each other and i was like that is that is so embarrassing that's awesome and then so the lady in the show yeah that got them all correct was like also kind of chubby it was like she ran the gauntlet and the other two people didn't get them and i got them all correct at home and jacob and i were just sitting there like i can't be what were the questions like for ice it was like this uh this dutch sounding

one of the questions was like ice uh haagen-dazs yeah the answer was it was like this dutch sounding company is actually was actually founded in the bronx or wherever it doesn't haagen-dazs not mean anything i don't know i think haagen-dazs is just like a made-up thing and then there was a question about mochi and that's like my favorite type of ice cream there we should have gotten some in japan oh i didn't think about that yeah yeah no meaning yeah that's so funny is it so the spelling is just like how we would think something was designed to sound danish evoke old worth crest and old world craftsmanship and it's just preen yeah i'll just sit back on this one yeah it's kind of like the uh it reminds me of like why if you were going to

start like a car company or any company i've always wondered like why wouldn't you make it just sound super fancy and limit and and that's it like when new companies come out we always try and make them look modern i would try and pretend it was like a 300 year old luxury good company my dad the company that he worked for like the last 10 years of his career it's called burns and wilcox and it's founded by a family of guys with the last name like kaufman right they just wanted it to sound like a because like in insurance like london is like the hub and like where it all started yeah burns and wilcox and i was like they kind of nailed it i'd trust those those guys those guys have been in business for a thousand years it sounds like they insured

noah's arc noah's noah's career arc noah's arc was crazy first he's on the boat then there's like a crazy flood noah's character arc yeah i had a sketch idea for noah's arc which is like all the animals are in pairs right yeah and like so one animal is hanging out with another and they're like oh who do you think you're gonna partner up with and she's like i don't know i hope someone hot and like her pair comes he's like nice jawline chiseled like great looking animal or whatever they go off together and she's like oh i hope my partner's hot and it ends up being like this super creepy guy and he ends up being like a real pervert and she tries to see biologically if she can like mate with another animal literally any other mammal yeah yeah it's like a giraffe

she's like a scorpion and she's trying to hook up with a giraffe she's trying to get that you're on my you're on my tail ow imagine like a half scorpion half giraffe oh my god that'd be a nightmare a disaster oh now i'm getting all worked up just thinking about it all right hypothetical yep fight to the death okay a hundred scorpions or one giraffe oh man that's a good question i don't know if they even have and they haven't hooked up or anything i don't know if they have enough poison to like can a scorpion kill a human yeah right one scorpion bite can one scorpion bite kill one human bite we're probably one thirtieth the size of a giraffe i would guess thirtieth hundredth what tenth i don't know were you saying bigger or smaller

30 and 30 i was like i don't know i feel like that's kind of a half one one hundredth the size of a giraffe i think i think 10 okay all right tops all right i was like i think i might kind of a good six 30 is kind of a good jump at off point you know 30 is way too big okay can you look up what how big is a no because wait wait before he googles us are we going i was going like mass yeah yeah yeah how how much is how weight but but yeah maybe that is the best the air like like volume volume yeah yeah because that takes all like muscle volume google how many gallons how many gallons is a giraffe okay a giraffe's physical volume estimated as a cylinder for space planning 141 meters cubed okay can i say human volume average human volume meters cubed

wait wait leave this up because we're gonna forget it yeah what did i say 141 meters cubed so human volume meters cubed dude i might be i might be right on the money wait what 0.066 meters cubed so what's 141 divided by 0.066 wait that's like a ton that's like 300 that's what i'm saying a giraffe is 300 times as big as a human there's no way well let's do our look up human next to wait let's do our way and see if our math you see if we would be able to figure this out without without there's no way yeah it's not true a giraffe is 2 000 times wait it's 0.066 not 0.66 yeah oh yeah no fucking a giraffe is 2 000 times the size google google human next to giraffe i think we i think what if it really is 2 000 times as big we've never seen it i think we're off by

We're definitely off Look at that first one Look at that first one Yeah I mean Well that's a It's like four That's like a really big guy And a really small giraffe

You don't know that I know that's a big guy You can't tell it's a small giraffe You don't know shit about giraffes I don't either The helmet you can't that's a that's okay can you look up that's a baby giraffe giraffe weight is that fair yeah or like just google maybe we just google how much bigger how much how many times bigger

is a giraffe than a human yeah yeah how did that other math come out so wrong okay 15 to 20 times heavier 15 to 20 times heavier google giraffe weight oh no way they're 20 feet tall that's crazy they weigh 15 can you google giraffe weight i don't trust this shit after that data spit out earlier i know yeah that is insane though okay 12 yeah 2600 pounds so like even the fattest man there google's google fattest man they're heaviest man ever yeah maybe there's a 2600 pound man 1400 okay so there there was a 1400 and what was the go back to the so there is a man that was bigger than a giraffe go back to the giraffe weight thing no a female adult still

no you're right between 1200 yeah so a small female giraffe is smaller than the biggest man on her okay that's a fun fact i can wrap my head around that yeah that's a good one to put in your back pocket for a rainy day like if i ever go back to college and there's like an icebreaker like did you guys ever they're like here's a fun fact two truths and a lie yeah two truths just like a fact one lie about yourself one truth by yourself and then your other truth is just a thing that's true about giraffe did you did you guys know that the smallest female giraffe is smaller than the biggest human of all time and they'd be like um join my fraternity does that count like a baby no no i'm assuming that's email yeah adult female baby drafts can be like

little baby drafts can be like birdie size no she perked she perked up her eyes went she's like i can be a giraffe she's like what the hell my neck ain't long this is my impression of birdie man my neck ain't that long right is that what she sounds like inside every inside every mixed breed dog there is there's a man death jam breed dog trying to get out you saying join my fraternity cracked me up but i was also curious like do you think there was like one moment when you were rushing a fraternity they were like we gotta have this guy not to to my not to to my own horn hit me so you chugged a huge beer no uh that may that may have helped well so for for um for clarity we couldn't rush until the second semester right so i already

knew most of the guys in each one okay a lot of people wouldn't go talk to the ones that were perceived as like less cool but i had heard there was this you were you were called a unicorn if you could get every fraternity to give you a bid so i went around during the one where you could choose where you could go most people just go to like one or two or three and i went to like the i went to everyone so that i could get a bid from everyone and then that ended up being nice because later down the line i was still friends with those guys and they thought i was a nice guy oh that makes Makes sense, yeah. So did you get the unicorn?

What was the thing? I thought you said you had, like, one to Andrew's question. Oh, oh, oh. Was there one moment? Yeah, that you were like, welcome to the NFL moment. What was my welcome to SAE? What was your welcome to SAE moment? No, not that, actually.

That means, like, once you're already in it. It was, like, the Tupac. I think I was just very excited to party freshman year. Do you want to hear about my welcome to Shovelhead moment? we're in the shovelhead auditions and they said all right you have a minute to come up with a character and then do it i didn't know that was part of the audition and i said oh shit and then i did uh the pirate who gets really seasick oh yeah he told me this yeah he's like argh we set so we set uh argh we set sail in the morning i'll uh i'll stay here by the docks and ye take the

boat and uh come back with the treasure and i'll uh i'll just hang here for this one i'll watch the sloop i'll uh yeah watch the um make sure everything's good here and you go and do the pirating and um maybe i'll join you for the next one all right it's pretty good that was really good i'm kind of surprised you didn't have a character like pre-loaded already i didn't know anything about the audition process so i didn't know that was like a yeah but i just feel like people that have like passion for comedy like a lot of people are like if i ever audition for snl i would do this character i didn't ever think about doing comedy until i got into comedy groups in college oh really kind of why'd you join them then because i want i was like oh i got back from

the election the campaign i worked on i was like that was so stressful i want to just like try something fun okay so then i just started were you making sketches before you did that not okay so actually for shovelhead i had started making sketches but when i got into the first thing i ever i got back to came back to bc in january of 2021 or something and yeah 2021 and i was like i wanted to do something fun and so i applied to this satire newspaper and i got in nice and then that once i got into that i was like oh someone else thinks i'm funny and then i started posting on videos because i had been validated by my admission fun fact when i got into the new classic i showed up to the first meeting with a huge hickey so they were like i sat way in the

back and didn't say anything and everyone later i was like was it weird when i showed up with like the huge hickey in the first year it's like nobody noticed that you had a huge hickey we just were like this guy seemed really personable in the interview process and is now like totally shutting down he's now the fucking man for some reason no like the opposite like no i know like too cool no i remember being like mortified he showed up in aviators with a huge and then he did a line of coke and left send me the minutes he thinks he's he took on kind of a hunter s thompson personality after put a cigarette put a cigarette out on the chairman's forehead and said send me the minutes

i don't have time for this shit oh i was dying yesterday we had a meeting and uh i was like sorry i missed a little bit there like anything important and lucas was like oh ask rusty i think he i think he has the minutes i don't know something about it for us to be like in one of our fucking bullshit meetings diligently taking me uh minutes that was another weird thing about fraternities like during chapter yeah there is a guy who takes minutes yeah and so he has to take he has to write down things that like would never be referenced it's kind of just like offhand jokes or like like i i don't think i asked for the minutes one time in any position that i held yeah i i think we should have like a stenographer around when we're hanging out here

yeah when you're at your house there's there's someone with like the court machine i made a sketch like that one though hit me i forget it i just know that was the premise that would be that would be nice like you wake up after a big night out yeah and you're like what were you talking about last night there's like an old will with like oh my god oh my god let me see that ass of yours jack go to bed you're drunk will oh my god i don't care i don't care let me just take a peek jack go to bed you're drunk will oh my god that's not what i would have thought it looked like jack that's not me that's the tv will oh my god let me see that ass of yours jack go to bed stop humping the tv is that something

it's courtroom stenographer after a night out she also she she looks nothing like your crew like she looks like a court stenographer yeah it's like dude yeah she has like a mole on her face and like the big the big glasses if a night out that's like a good yeah checking the minutes from black from when you blacked out yeah that would be i feel like that would be a good um cool guys online sketch yeah jack puking puking viciously oh my god good lord please please please if you just please let me feel better i'll never drink again yeah how many times have you made that deal with the lord i made the deal with the devil you ever made that deal andrew what what deal like you ever been throwing up and like you're like praying like if you make me feel better i'll

i'll start going to church again i just like the god much i know i rarely finish the sentence but it's like i'll do it i'll do anything i'll do anything yeah i'm a big like uh if i make it if i like make that crosswalk good things will happen or like if i get home without stepping on the crack good things but i never have said in my head what the good thing will be it's just like an unspoken like i've had a thing where it's like if i don't get up and grab three ketchup packets right now, my whole family will die. What? You've never had that? No. What? What kind of family

do you have? How bad do they like ketchup? How dry are their french fries? Wait, I... Their french fries are so dry, they'll die. Andrew! Andrew, grab the three ketchup packets!

If I don't get my family this ketchup, they'll die. How dry are their french fries? andrew's family's like diabetic and they need the ketchup oh i totally thought that's what you were talking about i thought this was like kind of a universal thing i don't like believe the uh no mine are always positive like i would uh we had this doormat like right at the end of the stairs so there was like a front door right at the bottom of the stairs and there was a mat to dry your shoes off okay i don't i don't know why i feel like i need to explain what a doormat no

i'm getting the picture but i would i had to step on it twice so it was boom boom on the way up i couldn't i couldn't go one it feels like the same thing to me yeah no i have like i have to like i have like weird things in the bathroom i have all these things i have to do in the bathroom like did i have to wipe out wipe after i shit i have to wipe after i shit i have to piss after i uh but yours are all like positive penis out no mine's like i have to wash my hands i have to get my i have to get the the the handle of the water fountain perfectly aligned in the middle then i have to drink water after the bathroom not necessarily out of the bathroom sink but like i have to acquire it in the immediate has to be the next thing i do is drink a sip of water okay and

then i have to lock the door right i don't know sometimes i have to get one time i was lauren like caught me just like flipping the light switch back and forth trying to get it right which means nothing you know i found out tim i read tim howard's autobiography once the goalie he had uh i almost said asperger's but tourette's he has tourette's and one of the things was like every game like the equipment manager would come and like give him a pair a pair of goalie gloves and he'd be like nope not these ones and the guy would just like cycle through like 10 pairs of goalie gloves until he was like yep these are the ones wait what does have to do with tourette's that's like like people the way that people think of tourette's is like

just like say fuck shit yeah but yeah yeah that's just like one way that it can manifest it's just like sort of a different neurological it's like an ocd thing yeah internal yeah that sounds like ocd probably that's just i don't know what i don't know enough to die i know that what he has is diagnosis tourette's but it doesn't manifest in like saying shit fuck it's like yeah that sounds a little bit more like OCD we watched a video in my psychology class about OCD and it was like this girl that couldn't stop washing her hands and she like bled them dry yeah like the skin was completely like off of her hands and it was like scary to watch because it was like she would constantly wash her hands walk out walk back in wash her hands walk out and you're like oh this

is like real I think I have the opposite of that sometimes poopy ass hand well sometimes my girlfriend is like thomas edison when we're driving talking about how she want to make a light wait what was i just oh tim tim howard i also some bauer or like some whatever pad company he was working with at the time dropped him because they would send him like truckloads of pads and he would be like these are all wrong pads like like goalie pads tim howard is a soccer or not tim tim thomas got it got it got it damn that's kind of a weird i made like two i made like a misstep of like which goalie i was saying you're like tim i mean tim howard too oh that's if you run the tape on that you that makes sense tim thomas was very particular about

his pads and so they said like at one point he had zero he had no sponsor because he didn't like any of their pets he would have like vaughn gloves and like bauer pads and yeah it was weird did he win a stanley cup yeah but did he get benched for took a rest during the run i believe they like changed off got it um but he also didn't he say something wrong tim thomas sorry who's tim thomas He's the Bruins. He was the Bruins ghoulie. Okay. Say something.

Google like Tim Thomas like controversy. Yeah. He said something bad if I'm remembering correctly. People were not happy. He refused to meet Obama. And he doesn't like gays. What do you guys think about the new TikTok? Because I kind of wish that China would still steal my data.

What's different about TikTok? The 4U page just sucks. Wait, what? yeah oh mine's been money really i i guarantee you it will mine has been the exact same mom just texted me hey we're gonna oh my parents are almost okay hey we're gonna try to get tickets to jimmy kimmel while we're there that's kind of i've always wondered about have you ever done that go to jimmy kimmel not specifically jimmy kimmel but like any of the things that we could do while we're not i've tried i've tried it's so hard to get out here yeah you ever seen ken jennings when

he was a contestant yeah yeah he's they're like ho yeah they're like this uh this like long-handled gardening tool also means someone with loose morals and ken's like what is a hoe and they're like we were actually looking for rake yeah uh right it was it definitely wasn't loose more it was like something that oh okay i got my feet is going actually really well still look it's a geese and then a tunnel and then a geese and then a sports and then oh well mine seems to be in order it's uh it's the pats beating the seahawks i think we're good did you read the comments on that pod today no everyone's like does rusty not understand sports fandom yeah so obviously i get i understand that i think i'm more maybe this was just the crew i

grew up with yeah i feel like a lot of my buddies would agree like if our teams are out of it and maybe that was just because like we were winning all the time that it wasn't the end of the world but like if we were out of it and your team was in it i would be i would want you to be happy if it was your rival team you think your Red Sox fans at home would say if the Red Sox are out of it and your buddy's a Yankees fan no I think that that's probably the one but like Celtic I guess yeah that's the Lakers that was that's our only like real rival in sports I guess like the but the only reason the Patriots don't have one is because they were so dominant yeah I think that's why I think that's why I'm probably having a hard time wrapping my head it's fine dude I get it the

Jets are fucking horrible. This is a nonsense conversation. My team is so fucking obsolete. It doesn't matter. We're never going to be good for the next 500 years. What do you think it is? An ownership thing or just like- I mean, our owner literally has the funniest penis joke name of all, Woody Johnson.

So, I don't think that's the problem. You know Sam Darnold's grandfather was named Dick Hammer? That's fucking awesome. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, dude. That's cash. Yeah, that's fucking money. I know.

Does it really bum you as a Jets fan when you see, like, a player's career take off the moment they leave your team? Yeah, I mean, I'm used to it at this point. Sam Darnold. I mean, we can't find a fucking stable quarterback. Meanwhile, I mean, Geno Smith now is a little old, but, like, he was really good, like, two years ago. Yeah. Sam Darnold is now great. Those were both our quarterbacks.

I think that would make me. Wait, was Geno good in Seattle? Yeah, like, two years ago he had a really good year. It's, like, it's just easier to be good when you're at a good organization. A hundred percent. But there's also players that have, yeah, I don't know. I'm so, obviously I'm sad he wasn't good on the Jets. I have always been a big Sam Darnold guy,

so I'm glad he's been doing well these last couple years. Yeah, I don't even fucking care. I will say, tomorrow night, Jack and I and our respective lady friends are going to the Spotify Best New Artist Grammys party. Ooh, that's great. they say like the there'll be performances from the best new artist nominees and i'm assuming that doesn't mean all of them i don't know but it does mean all of them how do you know because i've like seen videos from the party in years past yeah because i looked at the list and like

olivia dean's on there which like i would love and like lauren would lose her mind and i looked at the list and i said i guarantee we only get alex warren like that just feels like the most wait i whoa i didn't recognize any of the people on the invitation they sent but obviously no they didn't put it on the invitation oh i bet you i bet you somber addison ray damn somber would be cool leon thomas i don't like somber but i don't have a reason back to friends is good well i like that song maybe you didn't like i don't like his vibe did you see his yeah there are looks like cringe to me there's something up well he did there was something where he i think he was trying to come up with his like where's my sally tonight thing yeah and his thing was like he'd

have a fan come up on stage and they would like i'm gonna butcher this but it was something like they talk about like a toxic ex or something andrew you'd know he would have them call their toxic call their ex and this girl came up and was like me and my boyfriend just broke up and he called this guy and was like fuck you and then like the crowd was like fuck you and then he was like she cheated on me i don't know any none of that is why i don't like him i just don't something about it is a purely this is a i'm totally aware that there's no basis for this just not not rocking with it what about alex warren also feel that i kind of hate his music i do hate his music i feel like there's one i like but i think there's ordinary so that's like i like that in the same

way i like uh i liked imagine dragons that's what happened where i'm like first time i'm like i get this is gonna be a big thing but am i listening to it in the car now yeah i just i don't like olivia dean though is cool addison ray would be fun speaking of addison ray look who's pre-gaming look at what i'm drinking right now we found a little leon thomas did you guys ever watch victorious that's him yeah that's andre from that's andre victorious they're doing a victorious reboot dude i always thought victorious was a lowly young that'd be cool who's that and i'm so messy oh yeah and i'm so messy in there a lot of uh so what's the criteria to be a new artist it's

really funny because sometimes it's like like i think noah khan got it last year but like stick season was like his like fourth album yeah like it's just like yeah or he was in i don't think he won it so it's like once do you think there's like a certain amount of notoriety you have to reach or like yeah i think you have to like blew up that year yeah could you get it like let's say you were like kind of known this year and you weren't nominated and then you blow up even more next year can you does that count yeah like that like you know like noah khan had like because it hurts when you hurt somebody you know that song that does sound because it hurts when you hurt somebody yeah that was from like one of his original albums right

yeah i was like he was like pretty famous i i didn't know him back then but i did yeah i mean it's definitely the year you like blow up wait where didn't we just meet someone and i we were talking about noah khan and they were like or they asked where i was from and i said cape elizabeth and they said noah khan has a song called cape he's an ep called like yeah huh that's like his best some his best work you know it's on maine yeah yeah it's on an ep called cape elizabeth so he was he was stomping or i've always wondered that he had never bent when he wrote the i was about to say how do you even like visit cape elizabeth there's nothing to like crescent beach state park oh yeah yeah crescent's right by phil's house that's like he references it because

the crescent beach state park and uh and he has like a lyric about it it would uh cape elizabeth would be a very weird place to visit because it's only people's houses. Or his wife's family is from there or lives there or something.

Yeah, I mean, there's one old army base that you could go to, I guess. I'm at the old army base and I'm driving past Rusty's house. Is that in his house?

No. It's, Cape Elizabeth is almost exclusively people's homes. Yeah. There's very little public. It is a sick name, though.

Cape Elizabeth? Yeah, or maybe it was the Lobster Shack. The Lobster Shack's goaded. You know, I learned how to play Mafia at the Lobster Shack. Really? How do you play Mafia at the Lobster Shack? It does sound like a tee-up to a joke. Wait, what was I just going to say to you about...

He did the shack. He did the Lobster Shack. The Lobster Shack. It was a Lobster Shack. it was a port uh yard if cat's eye performs you guys gotta what's cat's eye cat's eyes that girl group those on there right there is like k-pop yeah basically but like i don't think wait what do you mean are they korean or are they no i like i think only like a few of them are korean but they were started by like a k-pop like group like they were from that netflix oh they were like

made in a lab they're like 1d there's a netflix documentary called dream academy that uh basically they like form like a girl super group which is what they are they take like the five six best girls with chemistry i feel like there's a i feel like i've heard of the marias girl soup i would love to be in a girl super can i go pee in the room and grab a dc willie what's your guilty pleasure drink i have two frog or pinnacle vodka and what's your go-to drink for different occasions frog or the neck of a frog or pinnacle vodka and willie just quickly for me rate your bartending skills 11 out of 10 i'm gonna tell you something can i tell you something i love pinnacle vodka me too dude it is so not just any pinnacle vodka this whipped

vodka that one's go to it is like if they made a vodka that is whipped and is perfect it's great vodka at a great price oh yeah did we mention that it's also at a great price and let me tell you it's 100 distilled from cane sugar yep uh and even better than the first two of those things right made right here in the us of a made in the usa it was made in the usa my new favorite drink is pinnacle vodka and frog combines all my interests so guys next time you're stocking the bar grab some pinnacle whipped vodka it is great vodka at a great price and don't skimp on that frog because that's really gonna make the drink it ties it all together find pinnacle vodka near you and see why smooth doesn't have to be expensive guys please drink responsibly you must

be 21 plus i got a secret to tell you i my wallet uh is no longer functional without divulging too much because you got to watch japan month to find out what happened my wallet has become obsolete and thank god uh i had this old leathery piece of crap anyway and ridge wallet stepped right in where it left off this is like if the future made a wallet it's sleek it's comfortable it's still got like a cool pattern like i like this one where it still kind of has the old timey look yep it's got a money clip you can i obviously have no money but if i did i would have a thousand million dollars clipped right in there can hold a hundred cards i think 12 cards plus cash uh and it's yeah aluminum titanium carbon fiber lifetime warranty uh there's over a hundred

thousand five-star reviews and if you lose your wallet they have an air tag attachment so you'll always know exactly where it is before panic mode sets in and again not to spoil japan month that would have helped it's like a wallet for spies it's like it's like if james bond retired and got in the wallet business uh for a limited time our listeners get 10 off ridge by using code playdate at checkout just head to ridge.com and use code playdate and you're all set after you purchase they will ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them that we sent you let's get back into the episode all right we're back roadmap let's roadmap it up we're doing a full episode jam-packed with fun for all families did we tell

i do that uh no i'm always ready you're always ready i'm always tired are we still listening more of these like are these forms still on the okay cool we have a beautiful episode for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitch followed by our pitches then we're gonna do am i the asshole and if you want to submit any of those it's in the link in our bio question mark andrew sorry if they want to submit them it's in the link in our bio yeah it's in the highlights on instagram it's in the highlights and then it's also in the youtube and spotify description w can we do confessionals do you have any uh no let's do that for next month you want uh we should do a form for confessionals okay so that we have a bank yeah okay and then we're gonna do this guy

rocks followed by teach me something and then willie and i are gonna do uh rom-coms that don't exist followed by celebrity scandals that do not exist yep all right you want to hear or we do their pitches first or our pitches first i forget okay give me a pitch andrew all right ever stink ever been to one of your favorite artists concerts and it's clear that the people way up in the front row in the pit aren't as big of a fan as you they don't know the words to half the songs they don't seem interested and it's clear that they have those seats simply because they can afford to pay for them i'm posing a concert ticket model where your level of being a fan gets you access to tickets closer to the front if you're one of the top 0.1 percent of listeners to them on spotify

or in their top 100 fans on spotify wrapped you should gain access to be able to purchase those front rope slash pit tickets over anyone else sam i love it i if i'm being honest i think the way that people like gatekeep artists is sometimes really annoying i obviously i would want this for myself but if i'm just being objective i think think about it this way the people that are up at the front because they're going to become big fans you're giving them the opportunity you know what i mean so you already know how good this person is you can enjoy it yep also just to play devil's advocate yes because i do actually like this pitch i think this would be a fun like maybe a 10 of their tour stops are like the diehard fan shows yeah the rest

it's gonna be hard to turn down that bag because those seats up front are very expensive and now the artist is gonna make less money also there's like people like i saw like the girl who was like taylor swift's number one listener of last year because spotify did like a ranking this year it's awesome uh everyone was just saying like apparently she just like sleeps with it running like people would start doing like dumb shit right to get tickets you'd have like five laptops going yeah and it's just like that's not the point i think it's i mean concert tickets should just be cheaper across the board yeah oh that you just brought up a good you brought up a good point there would be the same guys that use like bots to buy the ticket master tickets like before humans

can like click that fast yeah would just set up farms with spotify accounts yeah listening to the most popular artists in the world so that they could get those tickets for cheap and then just resell them anyway that's a win for spotify maybe they should be promoting this they get so many spotify's like all right everyone just started non-stop so i will say though you know i got those tickets to tyler childers right in the front like my our flan's friend was sick so she couldn't go to these yeah and i love tyler flan unless tyler whatever i wouldn't have been up there because i'm not gonna pay that much money the person next to me was a real housewife with her husband and they uh they they okay flan told me it's the blonde one and her husband is from

houston if that helps you out at all um b and h and they did not they seemed to kind of just be there because it was like a a flex yeah it didn't seem like they were super interesting yeah i'm also maybe the wrong person to ask because i don't like being over the front because i have to pee yeah i mean if it's a ga show at least so when i was up i i think where your head's at is right here and i think we're being a little for guys that typically put the minimal amount of thinking we are picking this to shreds uh what is he googling i was just saying which housewife it was that her i think so yeah on the left on the left whitney rose maybe or no i think it was leanne rhymes actually that looks leanne rhymes with what

leanne i believe it was that one oh i didn't get a great look at her um i felt like it would drive the viewers nuts being like well they could figure it out it's like the best yeah they'll they'll know um wait what was i gonna say yeah i'm gonna say it is when you're up front it is kind of embarrassing like every time i got up to do something yeah when you're the only person standing up i was like oh my god 10 000 people are like sit the fuck down right now uh all right should we pitch each other yeah i got a good one all right hit me willy okay mine is a burger that hurts no that's not it wait wait wait oh all right sports low stakes sporting events where you get to coach and on your tv so this is like i think they tried this like the fan controlled football thing

that our co-worker Johnny was involved with. This would be like, you could turn on like a random channel on like YouTube or something. And it's like five, it's like a basketball game, two 5v5 teams. And you can,

you get in there with your buddy and you guys get to coaching. Against each other? Against each other. And they all have ear- It's like video games for real guys. They all have ear pieces in. Love it.

So then you're like, pass it to five up top, up top, up top. And now cut, three cut, three cut, find him. Boom.

Fuck it. That's actually sick. It's like video games, the most realistic video game there could be. It's just like five average Joes, and they just wait around until someone joins in and controls them. I like that. I like that a lot. Yeah. Wait, I thought you were going to say something else.

Sports that... I don't remember. All right. What's the worst thing about vaping? It makes you nauseous. It doesn't look as cool as cigarettes. There are kids doing it. kids shouldn't be kids are starting to vape early and often and then when they get to adulthood

they've they've already developed this habit before they the decision making part of their brain has developed yep vitamin vapes we turn it's a vape that is just essential vitamins there's no nicotine there's no chemicals it's just vape so we turn it into like a chore that their mom makes them do and so they start to associate vaping with like like my mom makes me take a multivitamin before i go to school so vaping is like not cool anymore because it's like a thing that your mom wants you to do i think this exists can you do vitamins vape oh i'm pretty sure this is the part where like your mom makes you do it before school no okay so that that's where your ingenuity comes in yeah health vape that feels but i'm gonna be honest no matter what you ever do kids just want

what's bad right right so i think you have to make it bad i don't think you should make your kid do it every morning before school i think you should make vitamin vapes illegal and like taboo for kids and like sue the fuck out of every out of ourselves for marketing them to kids yes it's like reverse psychiatry i remember being on jewel's side yes like when they go when they when i was a kid and they were like you know they're marketing to you i was like yeah fucking keep it coming I love their ads I don't even

I just love their marketing I have a jewel poster on my wall alright should we do am I the asshole hit me

also hitting that melatonin pack before you go to bed is crazy that's what I was thinking like unbelievable

who's hitting the collagen pack bro baddies baddies are hitting the who's hitting

the fucking dude if you're hitting the caffeine B12 before work you got some some reflection

to do. Bro instead of going outside just smoking on that vitamin C pen. Yeah he just he just is like glowing. Or wait what's this on vitamin C or D? Oh instead of going outside. Yeah yeah. Just hit the vitamin D pen. Yeah. Vitamin C's uh

orange juice. Okay instead of drinking orange juice or going outside you hit the vitamin C D pen. The vitamin C D pen. Instead of listening to music you just hit the vitamin C D pen. can we order these there's just kiwi for like the podcast yeah let's get to how much is it yeah how much is the 12 pack uh 90 168 dollars is the big savings pack budget for i don't want to know the i don't want to know what the not savings pack is

guys picture this you bet on your favorite player in the big game to score the first touchdown but his teammate scores instead with bet mgm second chance promotion you'll get your stake back if your first touchdown score score second instead willie tell them how it works just bet on any player to score the first touchdown of the big game if you're right you win if your player scores second you get your stake back in cash and if you haven't joined betmgm yet use bonus code playdate and you'll enjoy up to a 1500 new player offer on your first wager betmgm make it legendary let's get back into the episode all right hit us with an am i the asshole long time playmate first time asshole lol so i downloaded hinge in november immediately matched with this

guy and we went on three dates in the first week jesus christ he wanted to make it official then but it seemed so fast so i waited until the next week before agreeing to be exclusive long story short a few weeks go by before i realized we moved too quickly and we weren't all that compatible so i wanted to break it off since i didn't see it going anywhere complicating this story though is in fact that his birthday was mid-december we had talked about birthday plans and i even mentioned that i'd plan him a party but i talked to some friends and they said it'd be better to break it off than lead him on especially because a breakup after the birthday might sting even more if he realized i'd given him false hope i decided to cut things off and this was two days before his

birthday was that the right thing to do or am i the asshole for breaking up with him right before his birthday i have a couple thoughts yeah hit me i don't think i think that i don't think you're an asshole i think you just put yourself in an insane situation going on three dates on the first week is like speed running relationship relationship i don't think it's that crazy wait well three dates in the first week of meeting someone seems yes i would attend three dates in one week i mean sometimes if you hit it off you hit it off and you're like that's true i want to see you tomorrow i'm always i mean granted i've only done the hinge thing one time but i i felt weird asking her to see each other like more than once a week for like a month really

a month that feels like too slow i think we went i think we went like wednesday date following wednesday following wednesday and then like from there it was like every day i don't yeah i mean i don't know obviously mine's a different scenario but lauren and i think hung out three times in first week yeah i think sometimes like girls lose interest especially from dating apps like if it's not like you're not like showing twice in a week sometimes okay all right i mean so obviously no one's gonna lose interest in you so that's true yeah unfair right barometer so i would say you did the best thing to do is end it when you realize you're gonna end it totally so i agree any longer especially like the birthday thing if he realized like oh my god you because he

would realize what you did come on stay it's my birthday it's my birthday it's for my if he realized that you that you knew you were gonna break up and we're like oh just like get through his birthday then he'd think you're like a psychopath yeah yeah i think you do it when you feel it obviously easier said than done but yeah you also wouldn't want him to look back and be like oh she wasn't feeling me even back then but she like did my birthday at a pity right yeah yeah and like also the i think maybe where you got a little mixed up is i think the like exclusive thing after like a week and a half seems kind of intense yeah maybe you could have written on the cake it's over bitch is that something i want to see i want to hook up with other guys i'm i don't

think this is working out can you imagine for all his friends he can't read it because there's so many candles and then he blows it out he's like what oh yeah the candles are obstructing the letters there's so many please they're in college oh there's so many candles in college 25 oh is that how candles work one for each year of your birthday really are you driving people are famously 25 in college okay 20 are you do you not do that i don't think i feel like i just put like an arbitrary amount of candles in it oh no you're supposed to do one of each doesn't that be like way too many well once you get to once you get to like our age then you switch to the numbers well my uncle bill used to always send us the dollar amount of how many years we turned

and then we figured out 20 was the max my sister broke the news like hey guys uh 20 is the max 21 oh bill fuck i i wrote it i wrote a check my ass cannot cash i own people money i need a dollar wait he lives way longer than he thought like his his nieces and nephews are like 50 yeah emerging money yeah can you imagine be on the phone with him be like yep i'm turning a million years old today it's true you know this is my hundred thousandth birthday right bill funny name for a guy's sentence yeah yeah they should call him uh ah fuck me shout out uncle bill child uncle bill i don't know bill died yeah bummer i don't remember him so weirdly my uncle bill was his wait is that what his name was

am i a horrible now i'm like questioning questioning that my uncle bill was married to my aunt mary who died before i was born oh that's funny and he's remarried and has like a whole other family with like his wife of 20 years now so do you guys so i didn't but he's like that's funny that you know i meant like that's an interesting predicament it's i was just gonna say like to his credit so baller that like because like he yeah i mean like he's got his whole life now with like his other family yeah and they never had kids or anything they were married for like three years before she died but he's was like the most religious about sending us cards every birthday and like has been a huge part of our lives and

stuff he's the best guy like one of the best guys i know yeah that better man than me i would be like i can't like if it's just a lot yeah i can't have five families yeah a man a man can only have so many things also he's got so many families i just realized i can only have so many families uncle bill's one of the ones that's still alive so i'm really hoping he doesn't listen to this he probably doesn't we have to keep that in it's hysterical one one thousand percent he he is uh he is a married to my biological aunt but they got divorced so that's why got it but he still comes to thanks so like she'll have thanksgiving and he's there and i always thought that was cool yeah that's cool like they were just like not a good match i guess for whatever reason but he's

still like i like that he's also the he's like this like sweet old alabama guy yeah and he just is so excited to talk about everyone's life so it's like it's not like oh fuck he's here it's like oh my god thank god he's still here he's a delight yeah who was the one that died i don't know should we go you're asking us should we go to some graveyards and start looking just like kelly kelly kelly kelly i was gonna say fun fact i think i maybe mentioned this but when my aunt died rfk was at her funeral because they worked together back in the day kind of funny would she do she worked for the nrdc which is like an environmental like legal non-profit and he was there on court ordered uh community service because he was like a heroin dealer back in the

day oh yeah oh so he does know about that why was he dealing yes he knows the thing about a shot about bad shots uh doesn't that seem like yeah i guess like he probably catered to like rich client i don't know he was also doing it so maybe he just got caught with like a felony amount of it yeah i don't know what the exact story is but it's funny because like his kind of background is like environmental stuff and my my parents were always like all right it was court order yeah that'd be like me like me being like my back my background is in environmental stuff it's just me picking up trash on the side of the house it was court ordered that's funny but yeah hopefully he didn't speak at the funeral that would be tough on the kids

yeah everyone's like all right we get it we get it you loved her you know my grandpa said he wants me to speak when he dies it is put as such a large amount of pressure on my no i think i'll nail it but you know that also feels out of place because there he's gonna have so many kids that are still alive that are what if he told like everyone that yeah we're like this is a logistical like showing his greatest joke on the way out was giving us like a logistical nightmare to deal with a tangled headphones level problem to figure out running into other patients in the waiting room and finding out you're not all your favorite dentist's favorite patient meeting of the minds in the waiting room yeah i also just

the the things i would talk about i don't think would be very interesting to people is that i mean i assume you talk about his life i think that no i know i'm saying like our experiences together i think are probably only really interesting to no but i think i think people like i don't know i was like at my grandma's funeral this past year like they just had like open mic part it was just like if you have a funny story about grandy just go up and tell it and i thought that was really fun it was fun to hear other people's stories because it's like i don't know it's like cliche but it's like yep that's grandy like you know what i mean like everyone starts snapping it's like that's her all right anyone at the grandy open mic did anyone try

out any like new grandy material yeah i mean every danelle everyone in my family definitely went up with the pressure of like you got to make them laugh a little like that's sort of right we definitely have a reputation amongst the family just being yeah the child children of my parents where we all so funny yeah we're like grandy was so old and everyone's like how old is it turns into like a yeah oh man i've always thought that uh the the funeral speech whenever i've seen someone do it it seems like the best opportunity to nail it because people are already yeah so emotional that if you hit them with like some good stuff oh my god yeah i can't wait till when someone in my family dies and i can just knock a eulogy out of the park isn't that so i have that

oh i actually didn't even like saying that i have that thought are you being serious no oh i have that thought all the time not like i can't wait for them to die but i'm like when they do i will like yeah i mean i i i will do it yeah i think everyone will yeah yeah huh like and you're gonna have mine you're gonna say uh a lot of people a lot of people one time will and i blacked out in new york and he said i kept telling him when you die at your funeral i'm gonna say a lot most people run away from life will denon runs at it which is a great line is it really that's a great line i remember waking up and him telling me that and being like dude stop i don't want to hear about what i said last night yeah um i like i would much rather give not obviously i would not

much rather be at one but i think it would be easier to give a funeral speech than like a best man speech yeah no i agree have you seen the best man you know i kind of like this is one thing like you don't have a brother which is nice because when you have a brother do you have a brother yeah you do an older brother yeah so the problem when you have a brother is that a lot of the reason people are friends with you is because they want to be your best man and they have to work for it right when you have a brother no one has to work for that right so i feel like i would have better friends if i didn't have a brother because there'd be more guys that like who are in if you're like in the hunt you know like the playoff graphic like in the hunt all those guys

would be making playoff pushes pushes especially around the time my like a relationship got serious but like that's why everyone's been been yeah you've been in a long-term relationship now it's In a couple years, right? Everyone's getting – People are making their playoff pushes. I knew Harper and Phil were texting me more. That's why? Yeah.

You got a brother, no one cares. That being said, I think Scott knows I have a brother. And he's still – And he still feels like a guy. He's a guy who wakes up every day and he says, I want to win a goddamn championship. So I'll give him that. Well, can you have like maybe you can create a new position for him?

You know what I mean? because it's like you can't snub sam second best man but he he's not he's obviously not going to be like he's not a run-of-the-mill groomsman i think he's the second best man yeah should i do that best man and second best man yeah there's a podium yeah i i don't as it stands right now i would have a hard time picking yeah i i'm glad i actually on a real note i'm kind of glad i well i guess mine would be pretty obvious you don't have to snub a friend yeah i mean i don't if my if i got married today i think it would like obviously be scott yeah i don't but my life could change and i don't want to have to yeah what do you think takes precedent

recency or like length of friendship or because if you have two best friends from different points in your life which takes precedent i mean i at that point maybe it's like a like who you think is better for the job that's i think a legit thing like they're gonna plan your bachelor party right i have one i have one out of out of phil and harper i have one that i think would be much better at the job yeah but i think they're like neck and neck and maybe even i'm maybe i'm even a little bit closer with the one who is uh who would be worse at the job they're gonna be dissecting this i don't think either of them listen andrew just hit andrew him with a i say what it sounds like birdie they don't listen to the podcast do your best friends listen i think

they're my best friends because they don't listen to the yeah i don't think really if i had a best friend i would listen to every episode they did i think like i guess ty's one of my best friends out here and he he's i think listens like a fair amount but i also think he just has time in the he's already on spotify because he's in like music well i have friends like at home that'll be like yeah listen to it and it's like oh maybe that makes sense because i don't really talk to them but like sometimes scott will be like oh yeah i heard that i'm like why the fuck would you ever i see you every day why would you ever listen to the podcast if he's listening right now go listen to music or something yeah t if you're listening right now uh i'm still mad about

game of thrones he's seeing oh he's seeing a lady in our building you mentioned this yeah it's like dorm it's like dorm logistics yeah did they meet in the building uh yeah like in the elevator well that's so cute i know he i don't want i don't want to give too much i don't know how much he would be comfortable with me talking about but yeah it is funny like we were all watching tv and she was like all right i gotta go home and she just gets in the elevator and goes down two floors it is like it is it feels like hanging out in a dorm it's like college again yeah yeah it is kind of like friends it's almost like friends yeah wait what was his opening line in the elevator i don't know i know that he they both it sounded like they both had talked

to someone and been like oh that person seems nice like a mutual friend okay and then they just didn't see each other for like four months and then he said he saw her pulling out of the parking garage and like ran down the street it was like hey and like got her number and like set up a date that's so cute she's very nice um she's the only person in our building that i like what about the guy right below you dude speaking up there's a guy on the third floor now that i think i'd beep with what floor are you five okay and so i got in the elevator uh a couple weeks ago and this guy gets in is is very important to note not wearing headphones and uh i go good morning and he literally looks at me like if he had a gun he would shoot me and i was like that's

weird like maybe you just like didn't hear me or something yesterday got in the elevator i said good morning again literally the exact same thing so either he's deaf or he's a fucking asshole could be deaf could be dead could be deaf let's let's assume he's deaf until next next week throw something at him and see if he reacts deaf deaf until proven or deaf until proven what's the opposite of deaf not deaf deaf until proven not deaf that kind of ring kind of comes off the tongue rolls off the trunk um all right let's get um yeah what are you guys ready for something to hear something absolutely awesome yeah are you familiar with ferret legging that's so similar to what i'm mine is actually mine is are you familiar ferris wheel sorry are you familiar

with ferret legging no of course it is an endurance sport involving keeping live ferrets inside one's trousers sounds weird right yes what do you think the record is it's a time-based thing kind of like it's like the 100 meter but it's the reverse it's an endurance feat what do you think the longest someone has gone in ferret legging keeping a ferret in their trousers um an hour three years three years okay you're closer by about three years it is uh five hours and 30 minutes do they eat you i don't know i don't know if it's like an endurance thing because you have like like withstand the bites they love penis tip that's like their tri-tip where are we sitting the other day and you were like i'll do the five star i'll do the five star

tri-tip yeah i don't know he put that sounds like a wrestling move what who does this guys google like ferret legging world record pull up this guy yeah pull this guy five hours and 26 minutes that is the guy yes let him ride down well just according to championship rules oh my god it's going straight he's going for a double down right now at the bottom i just put them right inside You can't no half measures here. Why is this news? Why was this on the BBC and we can see what's going on? This is all they had back. This was the same day like the capels Trying to get out do the ferrets enjoy it? No Do the ferrets enjoy it? No, they don't

This guy seems like he's maybe more of a like Like, you know how I was saying it's an endurance thing? Yeah. At least the event I was looking at. He looks like he's a quantity over. He looks like he loves it. Yeah, it looks like this is. He's a pervert.

He doesn't even know the sport exists. Yeah, he's like, what? He's like, you won the world record. He's like, okay. They're like, you're a ferret legger? And he's like, I have no idea what you're talking about. This is my job, I think. This is what I do for money.

I'm retired. How do you make money? Yeah, I'm retired. Yeah. Why do you think I worked so hard? You might think I invented the Ferris wheel? No. guess his name was uh william ferris george washington ferris

it was cracking me up it's like in the old days they were mailing in like all right first guy to start the country george washington first guy to start the ferris wheel george washington ferris first guy to start peanut butter george washington carver uh dude uh they also like that was that you know there's a vanderbilt named george washington bender or what's his name one of the like one of the like you know those five families like the carnegies and vanderbilt whatever they were just because they were like they wanted to have great men so they would just name some of their kids are just named after like presidents so there's just like a george washington vanderbilt george i'm gonna have a kid named after president donald trump to know millard fillmore to know and

oh my god andrew when we were in japan we're driving across this bridge and there's this like pretty big ferris wheel and willie's like oh my god that's got to be like one of the biggest ferris wheels in the world we kind of have like a good chuckle about it and then caleb googled it and it was like i googled it oh willie googled it it was like the 19th biggest like we just passed a top 20 without even noticing the number one ferris wheel in the world you know where it is london no i i think we've all seen it santa monica pierre las vegas las vegas oh really biggest ferris wheel in the world in the fuck i like can't talk today all right you want to do this guy rocks i slacked mine too i did too this is an acting challenge go from i love you

to i hate you without moving your face all right let's do it i'll be honest i cannot pinpoint where it switches from i love you to i hate you so please let me know if you can here's my thing i love when i love i love i love when a guy bends the prompt yeah he's thinking outside the box he never moved his face um but i thought i hate you part oh i think he might be hating now yeah now it's hated all right now you can pause it i can't watch this guy anymore yeah he moves his body like it's t the way he moves it though for sure for food for sure all right do yours okay i mine is a little bit different today so just bear with me uh andrew pause this immediately and i mean immediately

oh my god i like the look of this so this is ronnie ronnie burger and i think he's like the king of something let's just see what he's up to certainly looks like it oh no oh is that it oh my god so where does bro live i think he i think that's his castle okay and those are like his nights those are his nights and i think like some of the townspeople are in the back um speak ever i would be absolutely shocked to my core if he hasn't done like a just vile look at the next one let's say yeah oh there seems to be some sort of update video oh there's another guy is that a knight i think that's his squire

so what is fucking happening who what is he instagram reels has shown me that there are like i always think like when i meet you know when i you meet someone that you're like oh i wouldn't have guessed that we would kind of be on the same page about life yeah he just taught me there are guys out there that like literally i think exist on a different plane go to that one on the right there of course he's a ut fan okay this i this i get okay see that's what i'm saying that we got common ground already i'm gonna be doing the exact same thing tonight very enjoyable beverage more wanted man cave rock star pop star gambling gambling tips family posters noise guitar fenders track guitar amp feedback loop he figured out like what how hashtags work but doesn't know

about the hashtag part that's awesome all right that was ronnie burger i like ronnie burger a lot i don't i don't um all right should we do drafts let's do rom-coms that don't exist yeah these are more rom-coms that don't exist see me after class yep a man who is dating or sorry a man who is married to a college professor wakes up one day in his 20 year old body in a parallel universe where he's never met his wife uh he then in order to get her to love him again he enrolls in her college signs up for one of her classes and has to try and get her to fall back in love with him Love it. He gets a B minus, but there is a lot of F-ing.

Does she get a D? She gets a D. And he gets her A? Yes. That's like one of those 2000s movies taglines, you know? Yeah. He got a B minus, but there's a lot of F-ing. Meal deal.

A guy and a girl go to the same burger restaurant every single day after work. one guy always gets a burger and one the girl is always there and she always just gets a side of fries and they realize they can save money if they get a meal deal it's cheaper for both of them so they start going every day after work and splitting a meal deal and sitting separately and then eventually they start sitting together and eventually they realize they have to share the drink and uh that's how they fall in love all right that one's fantastic thank you it's about meals uh miss swipe when scrolling on hinge a woman sees the man of her dreams she loves his responses to all the prompts he's very handsome uh he has cool interesting hobbies he's the whole

package but after looking at his profile for too long her phone dies before she can swipe that she likes him uh she must then write down everything she remembers and try and find him in real life and so it's kind of like cat and mouse game uh and then when she finds him they find out that the same thing happened to him he saw her profile and right as he was about to swipe he dropped his phone and it broke in the ocean in the ocean that i love i this reminded me i actually one time i was messaging with a girl on hinge this is years ago obviously it wasn't like this week or something like this morning i was this morning i was yeah no like years ago i was messaged the girl on hinge and i accidentally clicked like unmatch but we had been messaging

for like enough to where like i knew like several different things about her at this point and so i like googled everything i knew about her and like it took a little bit and then i found her instagram and then so then i'd messaged her and i was like hey i hope this isn't like because i didn't really know if i'd click i was like i think i clicked unmatch but then i was like if i didn't and she unmatched me that i'm a stalker so i was like hey i am really sorry if i this is wrong but i think i accidentally unmatched and i was enjoying our conversation she was like how the hell did you find me but yeah like totally and then we ended up like exchanging that's so sweet but anyway kind of funny never matter but kind of similar to the plot of yours you know i matched with one of

gavin's really good friends on hinge one time and she's around like all the time and i don't know if she remembers it or not oh you should uh bring that up in front of flan yeah yeah i've told her good winging it two bird watchers meet on an expedition when they accidentally point their binoculars straight into each other's eyes better than any bird and uh certainly makes the heart flutter love it okay uh be mine two rival beekeepers fight for the coveted stickiest honey award every year at the beekeeping grammys uh when one of them goes to tamper with the others honey he gets stuck in the honey pot and the other must save him they then go nuts on each other's bodies i love that is the award show in tamper like tamper bay it's in tamper bay

when he goes to tamper with his honey birdie's like what the fuck birdie's like i'm a fucking birdie's like man what y'all talking about birdie's like i'm a dog i'm a dog come on hey y'all dog uh love zone uh this is war zone proximity chat they're the last two people in a war zone game and they start talking to each other and they fall in love and they decide to do a Hunger Games style mutual they're both like we're not going to end it we're going to take we're going to shoot each

other if you don't end the game and they end up just shooting each other and they can't figure out how to talk to each other ever again really sad that's fantastic and was Morty there and Morty was there no but Phil Dunphy was and Phil Dunphy got

confused that's all I got that's all I have too should we do celebrity scandals that don't exist yes these are celebrity scandals that don't exist uh when barack obama was caught peeing courtside at a bulls game he like slipped it down his trouser leg and thought no one would notice but eventually got onto the court and derrick rose slipped and they had to pause the game and he got totally outed love it uh when jennifer gardner got caught using all her capital one points to fund a tribe war deep in the amazon i remember that uh which is ironic because you can use your capital one

points on amazon but she just got all twisted around right uh when it came out that matt damon stuffs butter in his socks to keep his feet slippery brad pitt in trouble after having a kid the old-fashioned way i don't know what that means he like him and angelina jolie like only adopt like kids from other countries oh so he like this time they like they like put it in each other's crotches oh uh oh i'll never forget this when tom brady ate the football they were trying to decide if it was a first down or not but before they could get the chains out he ate it so they had to just give him the benefit of the doubt and they got the first down i love it huge controversy uh okay i'm gonna say one but i prepared another one because i don't think we can put this cool

but just let me know yep just bleep everything he says in the edit so it sounds like he said something like horrifying arnold schwarzenegger in trouble after saying his own name in the wrong neighborhood you know it worked out next to him yeah that's gotta be like humiliating right for him hey that's that nelson shit damn i'm on my nelson shit do you have more no okay ready yeah sean penn caught writing with quill and ink that's good uh dr phil in trouble for taking charge of helping man having heart attack when flight attendant asked if there are any doctors on board yep uh will smith in trouble after slapping chris rock at award show lil wayne exposed for actually being huge this whole time danica patrick kills family of five texting and driving

and i like will smith slapping chris rock at the award show that would be insane there was a kid that i was friends with in college i guess we're still friends but yeah he literally would not for years would not stop making chris rock slapping or will smith slapping chris rock jokes and it was it would go in waves of like this is so funny stop doing this this is so funny stop doing this that reminds me of someone who loves that that kind of shit you know jack martin yeah already i bet he's gonna eat this shit up i've reached jack martin go ahead and leave your name and number and i'll give you a call back as soon as i can thank you at the tone please record your message i'll just leave a message or press one for more options hey dude i'm sure you're

busy but just want to give you a call and let you know obviously kind of a weird situation but um will smith just went up like on the stage at oscars and he's oh you don't even want to say he slapped chris rock so um yeah just let me know if you need anything all right love you all right love you all right love you buddy bye jack martin just got oscar'd so he's gonna love that shit he'll just you sold the beginning of that did i get um obviously kind of you know obviously kind of a weird situation um all right we love you guys this has been a really fun episode good i I'm so hungry that I was scared coming into this episode. I was like, am I going to be able to think?

And I think we had fun. I think we had a lot of fun. Did you have fun, Andrew? I always have a good time with you guys. Thanks, man. You too. All right, bye. Are you going to sleep in your jacket like Birdies is?

Unreal. All right, love you guys. Peace.