Will & Rusty's Playdate - she peed on the coach's whistle

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

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really yeah oh no literally wait we're rolling the podcast right now yeah oh no oh fuck oh man i have like a ton of other shit to do can we just do it how long is this gonna take yeah are we really is it there's a mic on me right now yeah all right let's do it do you want to hear you want to hear a fun story yeah i would love to i'm down at the beach yesterday already having fun i'm already picturing it that is how that is how most fun stories start yeah i'm at the park by the beach okay now i'm a little okay yes i think i had to hook i had to get you hooked if i started with him at the i'm beach adjacent you wouldn't listen and i'm playing fetch and if you know anything about that park you know flange is throwing you're chasing with birdie the dog

and uh this park is like 85 percent grass but the 15 percent is like people sleeping people tanning like homeless encampments like there's a lot of obstacles you have to like sure kind of throw around and so i might what you laughing at the fact that i called the homeless people an obstacle a little bit i said people tanning too so i'll give them that credit where credit's due i mean yeah i get the people tanning i don't think really have anywhere to go either but besides the point i'm trying to set the scene that there's an eclectic group of people down there sure all of which this is kind of their home base and so the people tanning live there they i mean either that or they brought all their possessions to tan okay got it but they're yeah

they're they're guys doing all sorts of things down there but mainly the kind of focal point is that they're homeless even the tanners the tanners are also homeless the there are cops there too they those i think have homes okay but um so i'm throwing the ball and i've gotten really good at kind of avoiding where they are right and they're also aware that like there's there's this one strip that's kind of for fetch and then they can have the left side and birdie we recently switched from throwing the ball by hand to now i use a chuck it because it would get your arm was getting a little sore i already kept throwing my arm out but also like literally because i was like hocking it it's a hundred yards long so i was like i can let it fly but it also gets really

slobbery so i was just like i'm tired of dealing with this whatever so we switched to the chuck it and there was a little bit of a learning curve for me yeah it's an kind of an unnatural motion it's like high ally yeah level throwing and so she also is adjusting because it's harder for her to track out of the chuck it than it was out of my hand for some reason so every like 10th throw i'll throw it all the way down to the end and she'll lose it and i have to walk down to that and now we're playing the other way i know this is kind of a long long story i didn't say that okay i was thinking it though okay so i throw it down by kind of the main area where a lot of these unhoused people are

congregating and it's a meeting of the minds down there and like 90 of them have dogs and so like when my when i go down there now all the dogs are going ballistic because they like see me throwing the ball one guy loses track of his dog and it runs over to birdie and he keeps making jokes about how their boyfriend and girlfriend now and i'm just trying to like get him to get his dog back so i'm busy with this another lady walks over with her dog and she's like excuse me sir do you have an extra shit bag and i was like one second let me just like deal with this and so i get i get uh his dog back to him she said shit bag that was like why this is a notable story because i like couldn't even really believe what i was hearing and so once i get that dog

back i look back at her i was like sorry what what do you want and she doubles down and she goes do you have an extra shit bag by trance i was like like a dog poop bag she was like yeah and i was like yeah of course and i gave her one and kind of like once i calmed down i was like that is an insane way to phrase that yeah she probably just forgot the word poop that's your leading theory not that maybe she's a little rougher around the panics it was like ah what's it called the shit bag because also like shit i've only heard shit bag as like an insult so when i kind of heard it like out of the corner of my ear i was like

is she like insulting me uh yeah i think she hey hey you got enough she she's like hey you got another shit bag since you were old she knew you had she knew you had one she's like hey you got another comma shit bag you fucking shit bag hey shit bag can you imagine if someone hey shit bag can i have one of those i i would like to be if i had a time machine i think i would take it to an era where i could be like a foreman on a job site and call my employee a shit bag without getting without facing any repercussions if i wait what was this hypothetical i just think it'd be fun to be like an old-timey foreman yeah who gets to call one of the workers a shit bag old-timey foreman call me the uh old-timey foreman the way this grill is rusty

or oh i was gonna go like frankie valley and the four men old-timey oh the the what is it what are the frankie and then the four seasons means nothing to us that means nothing to us i went to the dodgers game last night how was that well more importantly i went to the mets game last night solo uh solo not even the mets showed up am i right i did go alone which i was actually pretty excited about it's fun i was like you've done it i just think things solo and you know oh yeah yeah yeah it was nice i sat in the front row on the outfield i was next to dad and his two little kids they were mets fans just kind of cute i talked with him a little i had four dodger dogs oh not even like i wasn't trying to like break a record or anything i just organically

had four dodger dogs which are like a foot long right yeah i was gonna say you had four feet of meat in you what's like the conversion rate of dodger dogs to hot dogs i would say 1.75 you think that much maybe one and a half dude they're fucking big think about a normal like ballpark frank i know and i got home two pieces of pizza jesus christ and i woke up and i felt great isn't that so strange there are times when i an inch oh my god 10 inch pork wiener i didn't need them to fucking phrase it like that like you had four feet of meat inside of you yeah in like a in like a family friendly way um that verne troyer sex tape isn't that bizarre wait what who's verne troyer you don't know verne troyer no does he have a four foot penis no four foot body he was

mini me from austin powers he has a sex tape yeah i tried to find it so hard one time and i couldn't find it i tried to find it so hard i was i was soft by the time i tried it i tried finding it hard i tried finding it soft no luck have you looked hard is it is it yeah it's almost like i can't have you looked hard actually sometimes you see it see things actually that's not a bad idea yeah it's like when someone suggests like praying to saint nick yeah that's the same level as like when you lose something someone's isn't it saint nicholas saint nicholas please come around something is lost that needs to be found or no saint nicholas is christmas that doesn't make any sense who do you pray to when you lose something i usually just ask my mom saint

alexander that's too much of a mouthful it has to be really right nicholas alexander no i guess i literally heard it this weekend what saint anthony saint anthony saint anthony please come around something is lost that needs to be found and my mom never heard that in my life yeah because your family you grew up in you grew up with a bunch of agnostics no my i was raised catholic oh just you solo mission yeah i i want to apologize to the denon family i did not mean to group you in they fear monster that you're they fear god god you're god fearing i'm god fearing i just don't believe in him here's my thing i'm scared that he's real whenever they're like you should fear god i'm like he seems like the man he seems awesome he seems like all knowing

Yeah, he seems all-knowing. I, like, am I supposed to fear him? Like, you're supposed to, yeah. Because he's, like, think about it, he could make your head explode. Yeah. Look, should we try it? God, if you're real, make my head explode. The head of your penis explodes?

No! Oh, on a technicality! He's like, he wanted to send a message. Yeah! Oh, on a technicality! i had a philosophy professor uh penis exploded in college who and and here's here's you might you might already know this about me we've done 203 episodes of this podcast so you probably can guess this i'm pretty easily convinced of certain things yeah and so he presented this argument that

to me was airtight on i don't even know if he was like believed in god i think he was just trying to make a point but he made an argument on why god was real and i left class being like i need to make some changes because he's out there yeah or her he might be or her or them did you ever hear two people and they're both non-binary oh that's the scariest thing you can think of is that there's two gods and they're both non-binary oh my god what are we gonna be for halloween dude i don't even fucking know yet i mean dude first year for this is our first year this is literally the first year i think that i'm gonna have access to all the costumes we've accumulated we have star wars we have harry potter i mean i got those last year yeah but weren't we somewhere

oh yeah we're in ohio for the halloween buns the halloween god i still i still think we should have gone to like a halloween frat rager what could have been ladies i'm a halloween frat rager Alright let's do it in new characters I'm a Halloween frat rager You're Dick Vitale Oh baby Who are you

I can't I can't let you in dude you're old I'm sorry It's a diaper dandy I can't let you in bro you're like a hundred There's plenty of barely legal pussy in there I want to get in dick i want to come in i want to come in dick i want to i want to take mr vital i want to take

this moment to apologize i know a lot of people that i love and that loved me watch this podcast and um that was out of line and i got caught up in the moment and i don't that's not a thing that i think about i don't even know how those words came out of my mouth and i feel so gross and disgusting right now whoever came up with that phrasing is an absolute sick monster what what you never seen two guys rip ass and talk pussy before oh my god i need to stop saying pussy it's disgusting god farting is like different from this angle yeah it sounded like you shit yourself i was watching uh i was watching it too i was

watching your ass and it looked like you shit what i was watching it too we were watching i was watching we were watching we were watching um we're telling you this andrew andrew we were watching uh game of thrones right obviously i'm i've been watching i had this whole thing with my well i've told you about the whole thing with my roommate but are you doing like me right now we're doing together so i can't watch one episode of game of thrones without every every person i tell i'm watching game of thrones is like have you gotten to the red wedding yet and now i've just created this thing in my mind where it's going to be like disturbing and so i don't even want to get to

i think the red running is funny is it it's like the slapstick yeah like steps on a sword and it like hits them in the head and the cake flies in his head and he goes and he goes that's caddy shack and he goes you may kiss the oh no there's a clown and i'm listening oh no this is real there's a stooge there's a stooge head at home right now who's like finally finally wait i had something else i wanted to tell you that i i rarely write things down so it must be good i wrote oh my god bless you i have i think it has got i've been holding my tongue because it up until now or up until last night i thought it was a coincidence i think i might have the the i think i might have a superpower

i'm not joking wizarding no it's like the dumbest superpower of all time but it's happened for like three weeks straight now so i'm canceling out that it could be a coincidence vaping when i do my laundry i bring the basket into my bedroom and i lay out the t-shirts in a pile flat i lay the boxers in a pile i lay the hoodies everything's categorized right then i go into my closet and i grab a random amount of hangers and the last like 12 times i've done laundry it has been the exact right amount of hangers isn't that unbelievable do you think it's the same amount every time no no because there's i have a surplus of hangers yeah is it the same amount every time no because my load size varies

you know a thing or two about load size load size colon vary oh like it's a lot of yeah yeah that's that is pretty cool though i like things like that make me very happy i i went and told ty and jacob last night i was like you guys aren't gonna believe this but the last like 10 or 12 they believe it yeah they were like that's unbelievable you might have a superpower i didn't for the record i didn't immediately go superpower they threw out the word they threw out i just you can't i mean that's the thing is like you imagine like superman for a while i was just like all right who's gonna say it i'm on fire literally i'm on is he cash fire i think he i think you're gonna cap this i was kind of more of like a marvel guy i think he

can't you know i've never i don't think i've ever seen a marvel movie there's no way you've seen guardians of the galaxy i haven't that's the only one i've seen we like fundamentally disagree with marvel for some reason marble marvel marvel yes we just had a marvel character in here who like five minutes before we got here uh kurt russell's son yes wyatt russell what is he was in he's ant-man but when he's like the new captain america basically glad he was i'm glad i wasn't in the room with him i would have i thought he's ant-man when he's an ant who's that paul rudd when he's an ant too i think what does ant-man do you know he gets freaky probably i don't know i've never seen it does he get freaky

probably yeah is it like a strength thing like he can lift like a bunch of weight proportionate to his body i don't know i think he's just yeah i guess married you're like mr marvel what do you think he just married uncle i don't know why i said that i didn't watch any aunt man uncle woman welcome to 2026 where you can have an ant man my aunt had balls she'd still be my aunt if my yeah thank you if my aunt had balls she'd be my aunt man i can be your aunt man baby wyatt russell was the star of my favorite black mirror episode really actually which is funny because we were talking about black mirror it was called play test where basically he is like testing a new video game that's like virtual reality but it

ends up well spoiler ends up glitching and he dies because he has been like neglecting his mom while he's in europe the whole time and she calls him while he's doing the simulation and it makes him have a seizure and die oh my god anyway i remember watching it with my friends and being like i should call my mom more you know so the next day i called my mom you got a seizure what and i was like oh you know i just like i feel like i don't call you that often she goes i'm at work oh and i was like oh so your mom doesn't does that happen often well so we do like family calls once a week on sunday nights so that's when we do like a zoom time yeah yeah that's really sweet and um so that's when we like i don't just like call my parents like out of the blue but i was

like thinking after the episode i was like i should still call them even though we do our family calls and uh it had just like snowed for like a week in texas and i was in college he also wasn't that mean she just thought something was wrong because i was calling her and she was like hey i'm at work like if this is pressing she wasn't like rude about it she was what is the first letter of her first name m okay are you trying to see if our mom said the same name well lauren's mom's last name is nelson wait really her maiden name if i know that really it's like how all u.s presidents are related to are like somewhat related to each other except for like a couple and they're both from ohio all of our podcast producers and i'm both from doesn't that

not make sense that wait what are you talking about every president's related to each other except for like three google like like well i know teddy roosevelt is related eleanor roosevelt i believe they can all be traced back to like this random king of england king john nearly all u.s presidents 43 of 46 are related sharing a common ancestor in king john of england who signed the magna carta 1215 which limited the power of thy king did you guys have to do that school no no we used to go you had to sign the magna carta yeah and we go riddled with like dallas limited dallas age teenagers magna carta 12 15 limited the power of that king man the car why is that such a limited the power of kick team that is really fun that was like the

first step of democracy god actually that's why the magna carta is so important i feel like a little a little uh thanks are in order thank you thank you i feel like i'm i feel like i've been spreading much less misinformation i feel like i've been right about a few i don't this one feels crazy but yeah well that's the whole point it's crazy including obama which i was like that one doesn't make sense because he's from hawaii because he's from hawaii like aren't obama and trump related or trump's one of the ones that is not related that would be crazy if you google r obama the first thing was they're not closely related okay they're 26th cousins i bet every person you've ever hooked up with is is closer to you than your 26th cousin that feels like

everyone in the world not everyone i've i've gotten single digits i draw the line at 27th oh my god speaking of oh i want to bring this up speaking of single digit relation cousins not that i've hooked up with our ancestors are having a beef the kelly's and the denellans the cooper's and the earls that's true alex cooper and alex earl yes have a beef yes which is our two i am actually related to alex cooper and you what happened to that i feel like that org chart i have it you have it on my desk that's fine you through slinky and spoopy or sloopy sloopy are related to alex earl yeah so i am gonna be honest yeah i try to do as much i tried to do as much intel yeah as much research as i could and i don't know really what's going

on i'm gonna be honest too i have absolutely no idea what's going on it seems like they don't even know uh so alex earl has been like reposting videos of of other people's videos that are like alex cooper is a bitch or something sure and alex cooper posted a video like i watch alex cooper's video being like if you're gonna say something say it but she hasn't and then somehow brianna chicken fry is now like wrapped up in it i've been kind of there's been this one group chat i'm in has been going haywire about it so i've been catching like what group uh it's me flan is it girl jacob yeah so whose side are you on andrew i feel like you'd be i feel like you'd know the tea on this uh i don't think they've actually revealed why they're beefing um but i

kind of have some relation to brianna chicken fry i saw her at the airport oh i saw her at the royal otis concert really oh yeah you did you know i hate this tune because i think of you remember when we like lost our minds when we saw or maybe more so me no i was excited too i i like freaked otis out or royal whichever whoever it was i could not have reacted better i think you freaked out or royal yeah i saw i saw royal and i turned around i was like oh my god i was like i'm sorry i just love your music he's like it's all right it's okay that's it yeah he was super nice i mean like he didn't say that that was maybe more monotone he was just like no i totally get it it's cool he's like i he was like you should yeah that's the most tame reaction

i've had all night my music is bonk as long as your panties are still on this is a tame speaking of panties yeah i'm thinking about yes thinking about trying them have you ever put a pair on no i know that you did though yeah you've never been curious it's more comfortable than you put him on once someone takes a picture you have to play christy gnomes husband what happened to christy gnomes you haven't seen his nuclear bazookas i don't even know who christy gnomes is look at christy she was the head of i have two questions first of which being who is christy gnomes christy gnome not gnome she was the head of uh andrew the secretary for once i'm with you that was i would have i would have done it spelled it that way oh she's like the she's like the

right wing baddie yeah she's like the no not her bazookas her husband she that's weird if you google her bazookas i don't i don't know if i find that weird i think i'd like to see that actually wait or maybe get rid of bazookas husband photos these photos of her husband came out oh god oh you might have to go to like like this yeah what he's got like nuclear rockets they're like comically oh how many times was he taking this it's like different photos i'm gonna be honest they're so comically large wait are they no it's like something you would wear and like send pictures of people on the internet but he's like joking go to like twitter No, no, no, no.

Oh, he has like a kinky thing. Yes, it's like a kinky thing. Oh. All right, we got to tell the sports guys too. Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, what? Oh, Lord above. Oh!

I mean, that's natty. here's my thing i get that women and i guess go to that first one what's he doing with the nipples yeah he well they're balloons i think i think he just those are the balloons the knots yeah those aren't real right no i actually don't know wait who's who's the last one for because i kind of get i'm not saying i like you like that one but i understand that just feels like boy but nah he's kind of we tell the sports guys to shut the fuck up yeah he's kind of got it going on his ass he's got that little like wrinkle on the on the left cheek you know where like you can tell someone's like got it packing you can see it from the back that's so fat you can see

it from the back astrophat you can see it from the front why do we have like a basketball league in our office what we have a basketball league in our office yeah i mean here let's let's let's just get this out in the oven we've made some interesting architectural choices here the basketball hoop on this on the one place where we need good sound probably not the best idea yeah Yeah, but, you know, in their defense, no, that's actually another set of. Should we do shots tonight? I can't. I'm flying to Boston.

Who's Kristi Noem? I feel like I missed something. She, I believe, is the conservative baddie of the year, maybe? She was the secretary of Homeland Security, so she ran ICE. Didn't she not used to be sexy? Didn't she get fired? She got fired by Trump like a few weeks ago. Oh, nice.

What'd she do? she sucked at her job nice to they killed two civilians and she spent like bajillions and bajillions of dollars on just like airing this like tv ad of her like riding a horse i'm just fucking losing my one of the uh i'm losing my mind slowly every day i'm losing my mind a little bit more i am having a fantastic day really what are you doing there's just been good vibes around the office i feel like everyone's been laughing yeah it has been good vibes in here today i got invited to this co-worker lunch that apparently happens every day for months and i never knew about it it's like the edit bay yeah dude those guys are like the

fucking those guys are like the mean girls of our office they like run in a tight-knit how'd you get in liz is in it and she's worked here like three days it's fucked up yeah and like it's only because she's tall the longer i was there the more like people like came in matt was there matt doesn't even work here matt teapold uh no matt from elevator pinch oh yeah wait he just came for lunch yeah where do they eat it uh outside in the picnic tables do you guys buy lunch or do you bring lunch uh they got some stuff at the liquor store they have like a school lunch they got lunch at the liquor store there's a lunch lady like those sandwiches yeah dude caleb was eating one of those and it was like the grimmest thing ever it was like six slices of bread grimace shake

It was the grimmest shake. It was like the gray Krabby Patties. Yeah, the grimmest shake. Yes. Yes. I don't understand why I wasn't invited. I mean, here's the deal, man. It's like the Illuminati.

I think it seems shiny and nice from the outside, but at the end of the day, you're going to be doing some stuff you're not proud of. Who do you think is the tallest person you've ever seen? In real life? Yeah. Shaq? uh shack is what seven two how are they still throwing balls against the wall of our studio i don't know uh i think taco fall was on the bench for a celtics game i was at yeah i actually saw

him playing college for ucf when were you at a ucf game i used to go to a lot of them i used to fly down to orlando yeah no they played in the charleston classic one year it's like one of You know like beginning of the season All the good teams go to Hawaii And I went to see him And it was awesome In the NBA he never really got that many minutes But he was like a stud

I don't remember him being that good in college He wasn't Good's not the right word He was a focal point of their offense Put it that way Like in the NBA he would get it a couple minutes But they would just feed him in the paint It was cool

There was a UCF bar called Knight's Library is it near near you guys at Rollins yeah yeah yeah so I went the first night of college and it is like I think that's like what like actual college was like Rollins felt more like maybe like a kind of an inter somewhere between high school and college like it was like mostly like house parties and then like Irish pub and stuff like that like this was like a people you ever seen those posters where it's like the um it's like the martin luther king ass shaking fest or whatever like pull up you know what i'm talking about it'll be like live performance like it was mayhem like people wearing like yeah yeah the martin luther king twerk twerk fest or whatever

yeah it was like yeah the mlk weekend super zoe birthday bash yeah the freedom to twerk party that's what it felt like the freedom to twerk party was every night at this place i only went twice that's a lot it was one of those places where like your shoe stuck to the floor if you were standing there for too long all the drinks were in buckets and were like colors you've never seen lots of grinding happening the only time i ever grinded was there ground i ground i got ground i remember making eye contact with the we'll omit his name but my friend we're still buddies he's the only you know when you go out with a crew do we already talk about this last week like you go out with a crew your first week of college and there's like one guy

that you're like that guy's cool and you guys make eye contact like this can't be our crew for the rest of college he's the only guy that i was so buddies with but i remember we were both getting ground and uh just making eye contact both being like this is fucking bizarre sounds awesome it It was actually a great time. But they didn't like Rollins kids. How do they know you're Rollins kids? It was just like a difference in maybe the way we dressed. We had a half country, half rap bar.

Why don't you just say it, Andrew? Why don't you just say it? A segregation bar? The port side was black. The starboard side was white. White. They had a segregation bar. I said right instead of white.

What's the difference? Come on, man. It wasn't like that. Wait, no, that makes it sound like you were saying, like, white is right. Oh. No, I didn't mean, like, I meant, like, the right. Yeah, left side. I saw...

I want to hear this. Sorry. Tell us about the country and rap song before we dig into it. Oh, no. You went to a bar that was segregated. It wasn't like the bar was, like, physically segregated. They would play four country songs, and then they would play four rap songs, and then they would do four country songs, four rap songs.

It was, like, formulaic like that? it was like four four four four four four four and so what you did is like me playing golf when the country songs when the country songs would come on you would find a girl to like square dance with and then when the four songs were over and the rap started she would turn around and she would start grinding on you and you guys say it again say it one more time so when the when the four country songs would come on yep you would pair up with a girl to square dance during the country music okay and then once those four songs were done and they started doing the rap songs then she would turn around and start grinding on you can you say it one more time so you i'm serious

they they both have to they have to simultaneously know how to square dance and and grind your penis into a pulp very versatile well we were looking for diverse girls it sounds like you're at the rap bar it sounds like you were looking for diverse girls oh man what the fuck what kind a business plan is that not i kind of like that honestly and then they should do four songs that suck yeah it's four country four rap four buns four songs that suck to keep the numbers down four songs that reek wait what four farts how did they advertise how did you know like how many visits did it take for you to notice that yeah that you get the pattern down not even one it was just like you were you were a freshman and people were like do girls will grind on you at

this bar got it i'm sold did you get ground on that's really good yeah did you get a boner you know it was like the least sexy thing it's actually impossible you know that that's like when my babysitter remember we found i told you we found that book that was like yeah what you're like when i like got worried about you parents like would give parents would like give kids this book that would like answer any like questions and she was like dog sitting for this other family when she was babysitting me so we went over and she was like look how crazy this book is and it was like like you know the it was like basically the birds and the bees condensed into like a book and one of the questions was like what happens if i pee inside of her

and i was like what and my babysitter goes it's impossible and you were 12 probably that's like weird well i asked i think but she showed you the book she was just like this is so strange that he i was very mature for my age i was ready to have i still don't like it i mean i it's better than her being like yeah that can happen for this reason i'm out what would how would you okay let's role play you're my babysitter i find a book no i found the book didn't i oh yeah you show me this book this is me as your babysitter finding the book i'm gonna put that somewhere that he doesn't see it and i don't have to talk about this with a 12 year old boy all right since it's about sex and i'm a teenager or a grown-up i think she was like yeah like 18 19 i this

babysitter that's weird yeah it wasn't weird she was like she was like part of our family oh well i think it's like the double standard of like an older girl younger guy versus like an older guy younger girl i could you imagine if she was a 19 year old boy talking about a sex book with a 12 year old am i crazy for thinking that that's different i for sure because i'm with you that if a guy did that it would be weird i think like an innocent sweet babysitter being like this is bizarre and she was funny too like it was she was we were joking she's doing stand-up she also was part of her set i can't i can't emphasize enough she was like she had been i don't i don't remember a time in my life where she was not babysitting me yesterday sorry until until like seventh grade

tomorrow i had another babysitter when i was a kid who drove me just crazy in like in like i told you i had a baby that drove us crazy like sexually oh no i meant you'd always go the wrong way down like one way oh yeah she drove you yeah fuck oh fuck that's a fucking one way like oh mom she uh wait what she drove she drove me crazy like i just was like in love with this babysitter and like i know like you think all like teenagers are hot when you're like seven but like i i think this might be one of the prettiest women i've ever seen in my life and i when she would say she had to leave i would grab her leg and not let her leave yeah and then she's my mom said she came home one time i was like five or six and to not let her leave i had uh sunk my teeth

into her jeans she was wearing like boot cut jeans girl i love to sink my teeth into those jeans and she went to like kind of kick me off yeah and my tooth just stayed pop my tooth out she kicked you the shit out of you You tried to make a move and she kicked the shit out of you? Girl, what do I got to do to sink my teeth in those jeans? She's like, why would you want that? Boy, you sink those teeth in those jeans, I'll kick the shit out of you. I wasn't even planning on it.

Why would I ever plan on that? Boy, you sink those teeth in these jeans, I'm going to kick the shit out of you. Kick that tooth all the way to the other side of the room. uh i was watching crazy stupid love the other day and there's a scene that it was like that did not age well where the babysitter gives the little boy like her nudes at the very end do you remember that what i've never seen because she i thought like the dad finds oh and then she gives him to the she gives him to the kid at the end so there's like at the very beginning yeah she like the guy confesses the little boy confesses his love to his babysitter and she's like oh no

sorry you're too like young for me how old is the boy uh he's gonna be like 13 or something and then um later on in the movie she tries to send the dad like polaroids like naked polaroids of her and then uh at the end of the movie she ends up taking those naked polaroids and giving them to the 13 year old boy before she like leaves for college and he's like are they for him to like whack off to okay wait can you make sure this gulp is on did she maybe write on the envelope like don't open until 18 then it's legal yeah she might have is that legal no that feels like grooming right group me group yeah that feels like a groupon it feels like group me group me that's exactly what group me still really yeah you still use it i still use group me all the time

Is it for, like, the Wills, the Army of Wills or whatever? That's actually the only thing. My friend bought, like, the expansion pack one time of the emojis. You could buy, like, extra emojis. He got, like, the NCAA March Madness one. And anytime someone did something, like, out of pocket, he would send, like, the time out emoji. That's nice. That's fun.

Will, you have emojis that, like, don't exist. Like, you'll send me the one where it's, like, a guy, like, spreading his butthole. and i've tried to copy and paste it and it like doesn't let me do you have like a do you have like a firewall on it like where only you can use it wait what did you say you know that emoji you have where it's like the guy spreading his butthole towards towards the person who's reading it what i tried to copy it to send to someone else and it didn't let me oh really yeah i think i might have like got that like on the dark web you know what i you know what now that i'm thinking about it i think i may have purchased the butthole deluxe pack on the dark way this is so weird i

actually think i got that on the dark web this episode is sponsored by better help with 88 of americans feeling some form of financial stress at the start of 2026 money worries often bring anxiety sleep disruption and even depression and are one of the leading sources of conflict for couples this month we want to normalize the emotional weight of financial stress and remind people that struggling with money doesn't mean they've failed sometimes it's just accessing the right kind of support listen i've had financial stress uh it's no secret i just uh recently had to pay my taxes and i didn't like doing it uh but listen therapy can be a great way to help it's not about getting financial advice but just about learning ways that you can sort of navigate your

relationship with money and build a healthier uh relationship i guess in that sense you know healthier coping strategies you can feel less alone throughout the process here's the thing about better help they've got quality therapists that work according to a very strict code of conduct and they're fully licensed in the united states they do all the initial match work for you so you can just focus on your therapy goals okay they do like a little questionnaire and then their 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment will pair you with a therapist they usually get it right the first time but hey if they don't you can switch at any time uh to a different therapist from their tailored recs guys with over 30 000 therapists

better help is the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 6 million people globally and it works with an average rating of 5.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews guys when life feels overwhelming therapy can help sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com slash pd that's better h-e-l-p.com slash pd let's get back into the episode all right should we map it let's do it all right we have a beautiful episode for you guys today oh my dad's coming to california next week let's go california where's my dad uh california where's my dad all right we got a beautiful episode for you guys today uh we're gonna do your pitches fall your pitch followed by our pitches then we're gonna do this

guy rocks followed by teach me something and then based on timing i would be down to do a permitting division of the building department but we have we're on a tight schedule today so maybe not maybe next week yeah um then we're gonna do stuff your grandma says followed by dr seuss books that don't exist i am very excited for these all right hey fox falco and wolf falco and uh what's the worst part about cameras being everywhere fox sorry i used to play falco and smash though What's the worst part about cameras being everywhere? That was King Dedede. King Dedede.

The worst part about cameras being everywhere is... You should see where we're sitting right now. You would hate it. Oh, my God. There are literally cameras everywhere. It might record you talking with your buddy for two hours twice a week, and you might make a living off of it? No, the worst part is that someone's going to video your hole.

I would say you can't commit crimes anymore. You used to be able to get away with crimes. Now they can follow you. Yeah. That's right. you never know when you're in the background of someone else's shot oh they're talking like personal cameras i thought i was thinking security no no i was thinking like police state well that too yeah ever notice a random person in the background of a documentary or reality show

and wonder have i ever showed up in the background of something like that wonder no more introducing in the crowd a service that analyzes your face and body structure then cross preferences across all publicly available footage and photography available determining every youtube video tv show instagram story or prank comedy movie you've ever unwittingly been a part of happy 200 boys i love diego p diego p first of all sorry about the heisman snub that's my bad uh i would like to say i love that idea it's like that they have that for like the jumbotron now do they yeah where you can tell if you've been on a jumbotron yeah i love like you put like the game you went to and whatever and i think it like scans your face if you like got on the jumbo got it but you or sorry oh i was

gonna say that this would be fun but imagine like you upload and like you send it and it's just like a bunch of pictures like slugs and snails or something it's like fuck that's what i look like or something did i ever tell you i was the king of the jumbotron at the solar bears really every time we'd go to the orlando solar bears game they realized that if they put me on the jumbotron i'd finish my beer and so the there was one game where uh they cut to me like eight times and uh in like the you know sixth or seventh time i was trying to tell the cameraman like i'm done this is as many beers as i can have and he just kept coming back to me and uh and on the last one i like wasn't able to finish it and i think my buddy they panned over to my buddy he

slammed his that's like the aaron aaron or not aaron rogers aaron rogers it was the aaron hernandez you did the aaron hernandez no the other guy on the packers wouldn't do that brett farr david book oh yeah yes yes yes yes all right what is the worst part about reading reviews about a restaurant let me rephrase that what is the worst part about deciding what to eat at a restaurant you don't know if the menu is gonna be the same when you get there oh you don't know if your meal is gonna be like the vibe of the night like if everyone's gonna order god you know you know how there's kind of like scallops and everyone else gets like pizza yes exactly uh close close

it you don't know when you ask the waiter like is this good they have to say yes so you can't really get an honest answer out of them my pitch a yelp like platform where every menu every item on the menu is reviewed anonymously exclusively by employees because they know what's good like when i worked at a restaurant i knew what was the best on on on the menu obviously but you can't be like that one's not good avoid that this one's really good whatever if it's not what they're like telling you to push to the customer so you could go in knowing like this is the this is what the employees actually like this is what the cooks actually like maybe you could be like this is what that what i want i'm wondering what the dishwasher likes here glass door have you ever heard of glass

door no that's like for businesses it's like for employees to review it anonymously yeah it's like rate my teacher for boss yeah it's like 4chan for like restaurants it's like reddit for what were you saying it's like pornhub for uh rating the food at restaurants from the own employees i was gonna say what was i gonna say they should make reddit for porn why don't they do that wouldn't work too many buttons i like that though i think i also you know you know you you can like in you can uh do like individual like you can review like individual items like on yelp i think and like see like how people reviewed like that dish i'm pretty sure but what if what if there was just a it would compile like a version of the menu and you can

like click the item and then it just gives you reviews of that specific item from people love that yeah okay but that's not my pitch my pitch is not the sam dunk contest oh i got it shit oh i sound like a lucy disaster sorry the heated mug everyone loves a frosted glass what's the opposite of a frosted glass the heated mug you put it's a little thing that just keeps like a heat lamp on your mug and then you can fill it up with your coffee or tea and you hold it and it's nice and warm when you take a sip i love that you know what i'd use it for muffins i would that was like me doing just silly out like wacky comedy i have been encountering this problem where i make myself a cup of coffee yeah and then i have

the second the first sip touches my lip and i have to go poop yeah and so i i don't want yeah i don't want to bring the coffee into the poopy bathroom sure but by the time i'm done with my like 30 minute paint job i come back and it's a like lukewarm at best yeah so a heated mug would help But, yeah. Yep. Yeah, it would. Yeah. I think it would.

I think that would help a lot. I think that would do the trick. When the McCafe launched, like when- What did you just say? When the McCafe launched, like when- The running back for the Niners. Say it real. Say it the way you'd normally say it.

McCafe. What do you say? He changed a little bit. Originally he said McCafe. The show? The ESPN show. It's McAfee. i always i always thought it was a mick cafe oh mick cafe maybe it is that

what are they serving at the mick cafe irish coffee come on man anyway when that launched they had all these promo photos of it in like this like brown mug yeah and not only did i think that the coffee came with that mug but i thought the mug was all chocolate so i was really disappointed the first time i got how old can you look at this up like can you look at this up yeah drinking coffee at 12 you mad man it made me anxious until the co-workers who have nothing to talk about drinking coffee at 12 you're a madman you're a fucking man like that like at noon yeah yeah oh yeah like yeah yeah i can totally see how that could be chocolatey wait there's there's like one specific that one photo it was like these it was these i thought these were made with chocolate

got it that would be a fucking nightmare to drink yeah it's like melting i love chocolate that one woman got like millions of dollars because they she spilled her yeah like on her cooter went in and made it like wider and stuff yeah oh my lord above her like cauterized it couldn't open any cooterized it cooterized it i'm getting my vagina cooterized what are we fucking doing like is this anything no no this is fucking nothing and we're actually like i think there's something wrong with us i think there's something wrong with our brains because i've been i've thought this was silly and i'm imagining being someone who just showing their friend the podcast you're gonna love it yeah i apologize if this is the first time you've shown someone our podcast

and they just have to listen to us say I'm getting my vagina cooterized later, I actually hope I give your friend a free license to block us on everything. We're just trying to get that Netflix deal and get out of here, guys. Just give us

like another month. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. My friend was duplicating diamonds on our Minecraft server but was lying. No one believed him but he was adamantly defending that he did not, so we asked him to swear on his mother's life two weeks later his mom died oh my fucking god fuck around find out oh my god no you're not he shouldn't have sworn his mother's life he shouldn't do what does that even what

the fuck does that mean what he's like hacking duplicating diamonds is some sort of um you know hacking and specifically easier in pocket edition but um also you can do it on pc or i've heard whispers that you can do it on xbox as well but it's mainly you have one diamond block and you harvest the diamonds from that and then from there yeah it's kind of a complicated process but um yes you can duplicate them and it is technically cheating yes when i was in middle school i saw a worm like shut up we're trying to do this segment we were doing we had a minecraft server that everyone would join on their ipads in this one class yeah and uh this kid ryan connelly had the greatest world i had ever seen it was a survival world and our friend mia spencer

uh poured lava all over it and watching him it was like it was the saddest thing i've ever seen in my entire because we're in class you can't do anything no one can like react he was just like did he get mad at her yeah i think he like lost his marbles rightfully so rightfully so jesus heaven or hell heaven is that heaven or hell the mother is going to heaven oh the kid who did it is going to hell you are going to nothing wrong go and swear on your mother's life as a figure of speech and then he did it yeah all right forgive me father for i have sinned hello dickery daiquiri and doc daiquiri and i peed on my pe coach's favorite whistle my revenge arc started when i was suspended in seventh grade for flicking off my pe teacher with both hands nice he would

always make us do suicide drills if we ever acted up he tried to be a hard ass since he came from the military i got particularly mad and he caught me in the act of raising one's middle finger to express contempt or defiance thanks for the definition i'm familiar anyways he always had his mouth on his precious whistle and would use it as a mouth stim so i thought of the perfect vengeance when i came back from school my friend and i waited until the end of the day and snuck into his office we took his whistle peed and spit on it and put it back the next day we had class and he was licking that hoe up and i low-key felt bad but we definitely laughed is sky daddy going to send me to hell for this yes or no also i still have the voicemail from my dad from 2011

when i heard i got suspended wait you got caught no no for the initial thing oh oh oh duh i would say i believe and willie correct me if i'm wrong i believe that is a sex crime yeah heaven heaven obviously heaven love it that's crazy that's fucking wild yeah i think that's uh one of the most disturbing things ever yeah maybe that might be hell yeah i want you to get revenge but yeah hell where did you even get also is it a boy or a girl because that changes things for me i'm gonna say girl but uh could be lordy oh my good lord all right one more one more one more my junior year of college i was dating this girl and she found out that her icloud account was still linked with her parents and their intimate pictures were saved

in her hidden photos album lord she told me in hysterics and said she promptly deleted them one night as we were lying in bed my horny brain took over and i took her phone off the nightstand and went into the bathroom in the recently deleted folder all of her pictures were still there i saw countless nudes and videos of both of the parents we are engaged now and i've never said anything and to this day i still feel weird around her parents here's what you do i don't care how you do it you need to forget that that ever happened you can't be sending that into the podcast dad no no i'm glad you did because i'm gonna tell you how to fix this you're gonna go to like a psychic or something hypnotist i don't care you figure it out hypnotist hypnotist new

pokemon hypnotist jinx what you know pokemon jinx hypnotist look up jinx pokemon jynx might as well have called her hypnotist jy i have her card i said jy oh oh my god yeah she's busty as the day is long and she's a psychic type oh my god okay you're gonna go to hypnotist and you are going to get them to wipe this from your mouth because here's the deal unless you are prepared to break off this engagement you are going to be with these people until they die yeah these people will be in your life until you die you're gonna you're you need to get that dad's penis out of your head you get her naked the mom's voluptuous naked body out of your head yeah that is disgusting that you would ever think that get it out of your head these are your these

gonna be your parents soon technically yeah please or or you gotta come clean yeah it can't stay either has to be buried 100 of the way all the way down you completely forget this ever happened or you get it out and be like listen this is what happened but that is not gonna end well for you you're you're a freak no you're not a freak we've all done we've all done a little bit of freaky stuff but i think the bigger thing is you want you snooped on your girlfriend's phone that's what i mean that's the creepy part the freaky part is that you is that you went on your girlfriend's phone no more of that yeah there will be no snooping there will be no peeping you have to desexualize these people from your brain or or you get it out of your system and you ask if you

can watch once yeah yeah maybe try and draw them from memory and then burn it as like kind of a ritual of letting it go try and draw her draw her books from parents from memory and then take that to a psychic and have her burn it yep all right heaven i saw tiktok the other day this girl was like every time i see a hot couple i just think to myself i'd watch yeah i've never been into the whole voyeurism thing um yeah said this many times but i went to college with a voyeurist yeah what does that mean she was interested in watching and apparently interested in having people watch her and her boyfriend or i think her maybe she wanted to watch oh i don't think i don't know if anyone ever acted on it but did you ever participate no we i mean i was really

good buddies with my schedule was booked yeah i mean i mean i was swamped with five it was finals week all right peace all right i gotta i gotta this guy rocks that i think might blow the lid off this thing uh-oh it's fucking it is i laughed out loud okay all right let's see where is it all right ready this is i think this is the i think this is my favorite this guy rocks i've ever done and you pause this immediately and i mean it is it is crucial that you pause this immediately wait okay let me can i slackline just so i can be fully dialed in on this one andrew go even louder it's just let's just blow the roof off this thing take the governor off what's the governor again the governor is what prevents a golf yeah golf cart from going to

best okay so we were all familiar with the song killing me softly yeah this is killing me loudly and sounds right so guys if you're driving i need you to pull over i don't care if you're on the highway pull over turn the video on because you need to see this guy this is a once in a lifetime this guy rocks we might never get this opportunity again this is fun man band with killing me loudly andrew give it a shot hit me i'm eric haines and this is killing me softly with his song oh my god he's got like he's got like every cartoon sound that's like yeah i didn't know sounds could be like made organically

can we watch this the first part yeah do it now play the whole thing that's awesome imagine like your buddy from high school it's like what's he up to uh he's doing this like uh fun man band that's his second post ever he's the goat let's do the first one let's do the first one yeah i like that on sunny days he has like an attachment for yeah that's awesome what was i gonna say to you also it doesn't really sound like killing me softly at all i used to yeah no no no i used to play a game called one man band can you google that also his first post as the as the one man band has three guys in it so i'm glad he kind of

honed in on the well he has a he has a backing track right 500 followers how does this stuff end up in your wait what's going on with your mouse can you google google one man band game alright

is that your way of telling me to google it google just quickly one man band game google this for me yeah that first one

oh my god we gotta like prove we're not a robot play it I think I used to oh it's miniclip that's what yeah

wow I used to play this game oh my god that just made me feel I got like a dopamine rush from seeing the mini oh my god I used to fucking play this too I don't even remember what it is

click one of the instruments and then click it just goes wrong no I think you drag it to him maybe give him something else Imagine grinding to this. Yeah. This song's on my sex playlist.

Yeah, we're going to get copyrighted. You're not playing any of them. I know, but I'm just stuck in my mind. I know this is what's playing in my head. man I was a boy you taught me games and you showed me toys you were a man I had your heart I was a boy and I needed to start all right i really i'm gonna have like an aneurysm it's pretty fun though right very fun get it off but it says finishing any second now what is that what happens when it finishes i don't

know that's pretty fun that was fun i used to do that when i was a kid you were a man i was a boy i never had that music gene actually i played you played with guns and i played with toys all right speaking of singing like oh camera winner went on a date with olivia rodrigo that's like willie and i going on a date yeah in a way All right, what's our next category? You have a This Guy Rocks. Oh, yeah, send it to Andrew. You were a man, I was a boy.

So this, from what I can tell, is an earnest page that is helping people learn the English language. Okay. I think, how many followers does it have? Can you look real quick? 2.3 million followers. Oh, wow. So this is a very highly utilized page for learning English called Berber English.

All right, ready. Never say, hey, can I kiss you? It sounds so boring. If you wish to sound more confident, use one of these better alternatives. Number one, would you mind if I gave you a little peck? Number two, may I have a little taste of you? Number three, would you grant me leave to show my affection? number four might i venture to press my lips to yours number five may i try my luck number six

would you permit me the indulgence of a tender liberty could you imagine if you were leaning in he said may you permit me the indulgence of a tender liberty and like the most say yeah you're both there like hearts pounding like is he gonna do it and he goes would you permit me the indulgence of a tender liberty or he's like looking what is he tender tender liberty do you have did you have a kid in your high school that wore like a fedora and a leather jacket of course and like fingerless gloves yeah like i'm not exactly the type of guy we had a guy like that and he spoke exclusively like this i wonder if he english was not his first language and he had that he was learning it from berber and he thought this was just completely normal it's like why does everyone at this school

think i'm a fucking freak guy from yeah i don't know yeah oh my god how good is a how good does a first kiss feel all right guys a first kiss feels like remember it you don't remember it a first kiss feels like a rainbow hitting a pot of luck your friend's a leprechaun your friend's a leprechaun uh okay should we do should we do stuff your grandma says he's not a leprechaun he's a leprechaun like guys faking his arms falling off yeah all right tee it up these are things your grandma says if your knee hurts that means it's going to rain yep don't chew on ice or your teeth will freeze together if your crotch is itchy that means it's going to hail there's always a nice man in your

bedroom at night if your ass hurts that means there's going to be a mudslide there's a lot of like yeah i'm saying don't eat before bed or you'll turn into one if your heart hurts that means you miss her dearly but she's moved on and is with someone new stop dwelling on what stop dwelling on what once was and let her go you will see her in the trees and hear her voice late at night when everyone else is asleep but she's not yours anymore and she never really was to begin with that's like the knee one kind of yeah uh everyone has a nice man in their room at night he's fine just let him be i liked that you want another one did you like mine yeah i did that was fun okay it's where that you get you do a payoff pitch one what set up payoff yeah yeah

all right should we do dr seuss books that don't exist yeah these are dr seuss books that don't exist little will's magic pill do you have an excerpt or anything no do you yeah okay i got it and there up on the windowsill sat little will's old magic pill he'd take it once but never twice and party all the freaking night this is about a little kid who takes molly um my slacks are snacks i woke up this morning and my slacks were snacks my belt loops were fruit loops and the cuffs were cheese puffs then ants ate my pants and i'd had enough that's awesome thank you i forgot that i didn't i do it yeah yeah we've alternated i did it the first time then you did it yeah the goose who rode in the caboose okay ready okay

okay there a little goose was called insane for how he loved to ride the train he said they said you can't do that you're a goose he said but i'm at home in this caboose i love it locked in snail jail when i went to snail jail all the snails were rude my room was a shell and slime was the food during yard time i'd walk and i'd roam but all i wanted to do was escargo home that's awesome thank you i was very proud of that one that's awesome the sheet who wasn't used to feet i'd been a sheet my

all my life i'd been a sheet i dealt with bodies but never feet so when those stinky ones came knocking i killed myself joe pete and his very stinky feet no yeah no oh birdie oh my god i actually just had like a that would have been so bad and then i saw the blanket dude i don't know what's going on with uh with my brain but whenever i've been watching birdie and i have been having these fears that like when i'm walking or a car is gonna run over i'm gonna like kick her or something and i'm like Why am I thinking that?

Interesting thought. Joe Pete and his very stinky feet. There once was a boy and his name was Joe Pete. The worst thing about him was his very stinky feet. His shoes smelled like buns and his heels were disgusting. His toenails were green and his socks, they were crusting. Busting. They were busting.

His socks stained from busting. Yes. i hadn't fleshed this one out yet but i thought sand in my glands could be kind of fun like a guy that goes to the beach and he gets sand all in his glands i like that yeah all right we love you guys have a great rest of your monday fun day no wednesday no monday no because we did yesterday wednesday wednesday have a great rest of your wednesday have a great weekend and we will see you bright and early on monday motherfucker motherfucker Thank you for watching!