Will & Rusty's Playdate - Swineboil Wizard College

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

In a rather strange episode, Lauren reads a weird bunch of pitch submissions, Willy invents the baggage drop and Rusty might have ruined an engagement. The boys also draft colleges and holidays that don’t exist. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod (00:00) Intro (03:35) Something’s in the Air (13:48) Pitch Submissions (23:16) Pitches (32:23) Colleges that Don’t Exist (40:40) Holidays that Don’t Exist (48:49) Homewreckers Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For 50 years, Canadians have wondered what the names of IKEA furniture mean. Like Natopa, the guardrail for children's beds. Natopa means giving your favourite person room to grow. It means their safety, and your piece of... No. In Swedish, Nattopa means night monkey. Mom! He's back! IKEA. 50 years of Swedishness at home. Look, he's wearing little pyjamas. So cute.

What's that, Mr. President? No, I'm sorry. We have episode 14 now. Nice. All right, bye. I love you. Hey, Lauren. Lauren, the 19...

Oh, fuck. Hey, Lauren, 1975 called. They're banned now. Hey, Lauren, 1973 called. The Chilean government's been oversold. All right, welcome back. We got played in episode 14. What is crack-a-lackin', playmates?

What is grinding your gears today, playmates? Nothing. This is a happy podcast. Yeah, yeah. Nothing's grinding your gears. If anything's grinding your gears... Leave it at the door. Put some WD-40 in that thing and tune the fuck into this podcast.

We have one saying around here that I wrote down for us to always remember. We have so many sayings around here. But new in the studio, little thing I made. Oh, yeah, Will tried to leave Lauren a nice, like, note on the whiteboard and apparently was not familiar with the concept of permanent markers. So now... And I spelled, I accidentally wrote grateful. Yeah, so now this whiteboard permanently says, be grateful for the little things, which I just love. It's kind of nice.

Did you like it, Lauren? I do. Can we keep it? Yeah. How was your weekend, Lauren? I had a great weekend. I had a little dog Oh god

Put a picture of her right here I will Her name is Pipsy What was it? Pissy? Pippies Pipsy Piss and shitties?

Pispy I think it was Pispy No Pippi And I called her Pip Well her collar actually said Pip When we were at college My buddy had this snack called Pissy Shitties And he would pour it

That was his name? No no no He named the snack I don't know if he came up with it But he would go to the movie theater and he would pour his pepsi into his popcorn it was called pissy shitties that doesn't sound good it was one of the wouldn't it just leak out the bottom i i mean i was never there for it okay but you only heard legends what's wrong what's wrong well you've barely touched your pissy

shitties oh come on babe come on little newborn what i don't know what that was what's your guys's like movie theater snack uh like junior men's maybe that's a good one i used to try and bite the top off to replicate what it looks like on the box where the cream is coming out but it's like impossible because they i don't think i've ever eaten a junior man i don't even know what they're not good what they're good they're good but it's just like they're way too minty for a candy oh they're great okay it tastes like you're it tastes like you're eating a hand yeah it tastes like you're eating a handful of altoids it's like andy's no they're just called junior men's they're They're like little balls.

I know, but I mean like... Like little beans of minty chocolate. Have you ever had Andes? Andes nuts in your mouth? Yeah, like the Andes mountains. Yeah, yeah. They're like that Saugandese food. Lauren, you know Saugandese, right?

You know my roommate spoke Saugandese? Really? Yeah. Hey, Lauren. Did you know his roommate actually spoke Saugandese? No, I didn't know that. That's cool, though. What's up, dog?

She's not taking the bait. All right. Will and I have been gone for, like, two weeks? One week. One week. I don't like that we pretend like we don't leave. Yeah, we've been in Boston. We were in Boston the last two weeks.

It's been a strange start to the podcast. I know. It feels very, like, quiet and creepy. Yeah. Speaking of quiet and creepy, I'm getting off the AP yesterday. What? The airplane, sorry. Oh, right.

And I don't know. My phone died towards the end of the flight, so I don't know if this is normal, but it felt like eerily, like you usually have music playing when I'm getting off the flight, but it was so eerily quiet when people were getting off the flight. I feel like usually there's like rustle and commotion and talking. If it's late at night. It was like midnight. Yeah.

I had the complete opposite experience. the people next to me were watching key and peel compilation out loud and and laughing the hardest i've ever seen anyone during the fight or after it landed when we were boarding so it wasn't like that big of a deal but like once we start taxing like let's put the headphones in let's kind of dial into this yeah that's insane actually yeah i had well you want to know my my whole nightmare can i may i yeah of course so i'm on this seven it was a seven hour flight yesterday from boston la i didn't how is that possible bro the headwinds were on one i i don't know what fly to the moon first we had to make a pit stop in southwestern france uh anyway we're we're on the i i had to i

had to crap crap why would you use that word crud i had to i had to know sometimes sometimes there's a very specific type of poop that comes out of your butt and it's not a poop and it's not a shit it's a crab i was fighting gut demons yeah that's a crap i'd been eating like like like meat all and meat and beer it was like yep i was at the patriots game which was oh by the way the worst i went to the worst football game of all time it was six to zero and the two field goals that did get scored one that we're we had really nice seats that my dad's friend got right behind the end zone like only a few rows back from the field both field goals were scored on the other end of the field which means that within the you know entire four quarters the no team came within

30 yards of where we were it was that's hilarious it was insane like you couldn't see anything you had no i was like watching on the jumbotron and it was raining and it was terrible wait you're not a patriots man right no i that's why i just wanted to be a good game i didn't care that i lost yeah and it was the worst game ever but anyway on the airplane i'm fighting gurgles in my tummy the whole time and i'm in the window scene it's like oh yeah it was like i would have gone to the bathroom probably 10 to 15 times if i was at home over the course of those hours just because like there were a number of farts that were like i don't want to have to risk this but i had to because i can't get up 15 times like i'd be dead like they they burned me at the stake yep it was

terrible terrible terrible finally decided oh i was also parched as heck i was so thirsty and so then i at one point i'm like all right fuck it like i'm gonna crap my pants and i'm thirsty so i'm just gonna go so i'm like excuse me so i make the two poor people get up they let me out and there's two carts and i'm in between both carts so i'm like fuck and so you're standing there everyone's looking at you and so then i you're doing the like little like waddle like i'm about to crap myself yeah like i'm about to crap my jeans and your only pair of jeans crap my oh thank you yeah you're about to crap my jeans i'm about to crap your jeans that are the only pair jeans i have so i get i get the one current lady like she goes all the way to the back to like let

me through which she was like not happy about i use the bathroom then i get out and she's in like the third or fourth row down and she just looks at me looks back down at the cart and keeps going so i just have to stand in the back of the plane while she does the entire service so i actually got my water last like she went to my row before i could that's hilarious i don't know it was terrible man but i did have a realization when i was standing at the back of the plane it was kind of nice they should have like a cafe part of the plane there uh there are on like bigger flights they're like there's like a bar no there's not you haven't seen this that's cool fly emirates has uh or maybe it's qatar or whatever has uh not in the u.s no i think they're

like they they're like those long cross-continental flights or whatever and there's a bar that you can go chill at yeah that sounds so sick so fun i think standing on an airplane is underrated Did you ever see the guys who just get up and stretch a little? Yep. Crazy move. They're all doctors. Really? Because they're worried about blood clots.

There was actually a lady that was standing up on mine for like an hour once. Really? Yeah. I would tell her to sit down. She looked very fit, like a yoga bodies lady. She's probably planning an attack. Well, that was the other thing. When I'm standing in the back, I'm like, there's all this equipment around here.

Yeah. I could do something crazy. I could ram the whole place. There was also a bottle of water. I was in the way back and there was a big bottle of water and cups and I was like how unhinged would it be if I just poured myself a glass of water right now

I don't think that would be okay Skyler said a guy on the plane was vaping in the bathroom and the alarm went off and he sprinted out of the bathroom and just ran back to his seat and pretended to be asleep did it work? I don't know that's a great movie

my buddy got caught vaping on the first first uh travel trip for lacrosse he's a freshman and he goes to the bathroom it was back when they had those dab carts for jewels so it was like double whammy because it was like it was vaping but it was also weed okay and the alarm went off and he put uh he put the pod in his pocket or sorry his uh sock and switched it with a nicotine pod and had to go like talk to like marshalls when they landed like they like escorted him off the plane it was crazy do you get like no fly list no they basically were like they like realized he was like this freshman in college who

was just like being a dumbass and they were just like don't do that again i do think they're like they make it sound like that's gonna crash the plane yeah it's kind of like the whole like why do i have to put my tray table up yeah well that's gonna crash the plane yeah they like throws the balance off like enough or like the airplane mode thing like if we're all on if we all have our cell service on the plane's just gonna like my buddy said that uh you know like if they pack like if you're on a small plane they pack the luggage wrong it's like actually a big thing because the weight is like off in the plane so they're taking this like tiny plane to nantucket and this woman's they said it was like this woman's first flight or whatever and the bags like all slid to

one side when they were like mid-flight and she did three touch and goes so like like the bags like all she like was like she like didn't have control of the plane they did three like attempted landings and she like got scared and pulled back up and they were like this would be the worst way to go down in a fiery plane crash yeah actually i saw a video of a lady who got trapped under ice oh my god that's probably worse that would be worse what's what's the what's the worst way to go trapped under ice i saw it yesterday i think it's got to be like fire drowning i think trapped under ice it's gotta be what if there's a fire there's one of those underwater volcanoes while you're trapped under ice oh god you're just ruined my week you're

getting lava um all right should we hear some pitches pitches oh yeah all right i feel like we always minnesota oh yeah oh yeah oh wait lauren we also we have something to tell you um we will and i were talking about love yes that's that as well but will will point this out to me the other day and it's very funny what you you always refer to the people that listen as playmates and we like don't we like don't know if you know that that's like a very like sexually charged thing like we say it no no you guys i know we want to say it yeah we say it but we say it like knowingly like wholesome we didn't we don't know if you know that like playmates is like a playboy oh no i actually didn't know like playboy models okay but when

i post like that on the instagram i feel like you guys use that word first i agree we definitely We used it first. We just wanted to be entirely transparent that you were. Yeah. It's like a playmate is like a promiscuous lady. No, I think it's like a literal, like it's like Playboy models. I know. Well, Playmate of the Year.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, actually, no, I didn't know that. Like people do like naked shoots for Playboy. Okay. Like straight up coot shots. Think about it in the context of our podcast, Playdate. Like it's a bunch of little kids.

I like it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if we're going to. Well, the kids thing, that's where it becomes weird because it. Yeah. we're a childish podcast but then we're making these let's hear some pitches yeah anyway uh what i was gonna say though i feel like we talk about airplanes in every single episode yeah will and i love being airborne yeah we were talking about it yesterday actually we're talking about this

yesterday it is insane guys are always flying though we just take we take rockets through the sky and like in our like watching football and like like i got like kind of drunk on the plane yesterday it's like can you imagine explaining to a pilgrim being like there's gonna be a time where you can get drunk so do you see those clouds up there you're gonna be above those you're gonna be hammered the pilgrim would be i don't even know what would be like the most astonishing thing i was saying if you inflation rates if you brought if you brought up uh the most influencers just like social media no yeah if you showed up no it'd be like a thing you have to be like a thing the television they would like burn you with a steak yeah if you brought if you

brought like an ipod touch back there they would stone you all right like that like what like if They took him to the puppy derby. How'd you guys get those horses to be so well- Why are those men so small? Okay, moving on. But they would still conceptually understand. Okay, sorry. It's fine.

It's okay. Okay. Maybe if you showed them modern corn. It's so much bigger than it is. Back then, it was this big. Fruit snacks would send them to the hospital. you keep sticking your toes like a centimeter away from the cameras if you gave them if you gave them i just think it's funny if you gave one a gusher if you gave one a pack of gushers

in a four loco their heart would explode um yeah all right sorry okay well i don't care i just seems like you care no it's okay okay pitch submissions first one is from james nutzel i don't actually know how to say it n-o-e-t-z-l note soul whatever um crazy they went with nut soul when it's an o i feel like the o-e combination has to be no soul yeah no yeah okay hangseption is his idea so he says having anxiety because you embarrassed yourself last night all the time went on too long of a tangent about u.s proxy wars and cia trained paramilitary groups multiple times wait i just talked about that was callback well everyone stared into their chili thing i said earlier what's that what did you you want me to keep going okay yeah sorry we keep

interrupting you it's fine it's okay you guys just are excited while everyone stared into their drinks hangception has got you instead everyone will remember you as charming funny smart and well-adjusted a shining example of social excellence the recipients of these false memories may suffer from worse hangovers but but that doesn't really matter wait what yeah you lost me on the science this is the thing with the hangovers are worse any no no for every other person so here's the thing here's the thing i've never understood the inception movies in general i've never seen them and so i think there are like four i think it's just one movie called inception one maybe there's four movies in one that's that's the inception is that you're

watching four movies that's why you're confused you watch it four times i was watching it on four separate monitors all at different time stamps um i love the idea of people i cried at the bar the other day me angus and chet were sitting at the bar and uh and i got really emotional about i saw this girl who is like has cancer and it just like like struck a chord with me and i was just crying being like we all got dealt such good hands and then i woke up in the morning and i was like that's pretty weird that i did that in front of everyone that's sweet yeah but it wasn't it was more just like silently crying in the corner yeah that's fair what's the most embarrassing thing you did hungover or drunk this weekend well i i was i was just i was i was back at uh my college

for my old college comedy groups show and got together with some alumni and you know the drinks were flowing yeah so i think just the the idea that i was intoxicated at my old college is like yeah embarrassing inherently well didn't didn't what happened you said you there was a picture of you oh yeah i had face paint i i don't i forgot i mean i i do remember putting face paint on but someone like sent me a picture of them i was like oh it's so great seeing you and it's just me with a wig and face paint on and the wig is so funny too yeah i haven't seen it but we'll put the picture right here i'll show it to you too it's like a orange shaggy i don't know strider said uh he was we're at this bar in nashville and he's like looking he doesn't i don't know he's in the

bar and he can see me down on the floor with like these girls that i brought over and uh he said he's never seen someone fumble so hard in my entire life he's like he's like he sees me buy this round of drinks let me see yeah that's awesome that's awesome actually great um he said he's like oh so like he sees russie sees me buy this like round of drinks and he goes oh he's oh he's buying those girls drinks like pretty cool move and he says i just reached past the girls and gave them to these old guys behind them maybe that's kind of awesome it was it sounds kind of awesome but it also was like yeah whatever that's a funny visual for him to see that all gonna all right let's hear the next pitch i like that guy no i like this i think

yeah this one yeah hankseption's great it's great it would definitely come in handy okay next one is from griff shepherd there we go yes he says the time is money cookbook so it's a cookbook but it's spelled t-h-y-m-e oh nice so he says oh i like that yeah it is a cookbook that calculates oh oh wait i don't think i think someone gave us one that like is one that we've already gotten i'm just gonna read it whoa there's no no no is it my idea it's your idea basically this is let's hear it okay this is insane well actually no no it's not because it's a cookbook so whatever a cookbook that calculates and assesses what ingredients you have in your household at any given point in time yeah that is will's idea that is literally my idea

it provides this guy's name it just says wilden on yeah he's reading your griff shepherd griff shepherd griff all right it's a great it's a great idea unfortunately it's already will already pitched pitched it let's hear a different one okay yeah sorry sorry griff hey griff maybe listen i feel like i just scolded him i feel like i snapped it's kind of a good combination between yours and his because his is like a cookbook it's actually writing well that was mine that's what will's is it was a list of recipes that you could make it was on your phone so i guess all right next devin poissant some of these names like seem fake they feel like they've made an account just so we would read it it's like one of these is going to be like a like they're tricked

us it's like croissant but with a p um okay where's the p there's no r in the beginning that's like that guy it's like my name's daniel with a b where's the b chris okay this is a long one he says i have a business pitch and i'm not sure if this is the best place to send it or not but it's definitely the best place oh well i know i don't know i read that it's like no have you ever been out with your friends and been chosen as the dd but you still want to have some drinks and have a good time introducing the designated driver like dry it's a pill you can take 30 minutes prior to the time you're leaving that enters your bloodstream to clean out the alcohol depending on your level of drunkness you'll either pee it all out or puke if you're

blacked out already oh but after but after that you're stone cold sober and ready to drive everyone home it's an easy way for everyone to have fun but get home safe designated driver is not approved by the fda and does not make any guarantees that you'll pass a sobriety test do not take the designated driver if you have a heart condition or liver failure designated driver llc does not take responsibility for any injuries or death caused by the designated driver uh do not drink after taking the designated driver pill he kind of lost i don't know what the fuck he kind of he kind of lost me when it was uh when it said that they cannot guarantee you'll pass the sobriety test isn't that the whole yeah that feels like an important thing to be able to guarantee also like

wait why did he have to make it that you still have to throw up or piss it all out i think he's making up this crazy thing anyway might as well just yeah i wouldn't i don't even think this would be just for driving i think everyone would just take this before at the end of the night yeah i would just take it before i go but here's the problem if you go from drunk to immediately sober so you've ever seen like when they when a guy is like on heroin and they narcan him and he's like immediately sober and like it's so disorienting and they get really upset because it's like you're you're riding this high and then you're immediately sober which means you'd be immediately hung over yeah that does that doesn't sound fun

no yeah i don't understand how that works well none of them none of them we know how they work this one felt particularly no no no the narc the narc oh oh oh yeah i don't know that works either yeah i don't know um all right i like that one i think that that one is definitely one of the pitches of all time i think you say that every week all right let's hear the third one okay this one is from faith mckag mckagran mckagran okay she says this so this one's called the lob time out this is a long one okay she says i've invented a new cutting edge innovative surgery that will become the new standard here's the operation you must get a lobotomy but the inner sides of your brain will have magnets that pull the two lobes of your brain together preventing

you from being lobotomized the magnets in your brain are high tech and voice activated when they're left when they're activated the magnets on the left lobe flips that the ends of the magnet repel causing you to be lobotomized it is set on a timer to only last a few minutes before the left lobe magnets flip back returning you to normal pros friend being annoying shut them down give them a hard restart put them in timeout need to be need to be unavailable for a little while go One lob mode. Oh, it just makes you incompetent for a little bit so you don't have to deal with the real world?

I actually pretty frequently wish I had this. I would do that just to watch TV. Yeah, we could do an episode. What is happening to that? I don't know. I feel crazy. Do you feel crazy? Yeah.

I feel crazy too. All right. Those were the three craziest pictures I've ever heard. Yeah, I feel like something is in the water. Something's in the air today. They're pumping something into the pod room. It doesn't look like it's hot. It's hot in here, too, right?

That was crazy. All right. Do you guys want to pitch each other? Yeah. That was insane. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My ex-girlfriend just asked me if I want to connect on LinkedIn. Oh.

Did he text you to ask you that? No, no, no. I got the notification. That's why they text you before you make the request. Like, hey, do you want to connect? Hey, is it cool? I'll send you. All right.

Who's ready for banana paint? This guy. this guy's ready all right banana paint here's my pitch it's paint for bananas so that it covers up the brown spots because i don't really think it tastes any worse but it grosses me the frick out so it's just like a little paint and it matches the color of the rest of the banana yep and so you just dip it in banana paint and then it all looks yellow and it all tastes great i like it we were we actually had a conversation this morning not you but me and to some other people downstairs about how

the bananas were too ripe and Jason says that he doesn't eat them until they have a brown spot on them. I agree. Which is crazy. I'm with him on that. I like mine to be like half green. Ooh. I like the perfect ripeness. Like perfectly yellow. I think when they have a few brown dots, that's when they taste the best. But wouldn't it be better if you

even if it was that taste but you didn't see the brown? I like the brown. It adds some character. I don't know about that. Well, back to the drawing board. Alright. I got self-tailoring clothes. Oh! So they're like these big baggy things that you put on and then you press a button and they slowly tighten and then you can stop where you want it to.

I love that. Some days I want stuff to be a little bit baggier. Sometimes I need it to fit a little bit. Oh, so you can adjust it day to day? Yeah. It's like each day you put it on, it's like a big sheet. If you have like a big meal, you can widen your pants a little the next day. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. I like that a lot. Thanks. I just, I just choked on my sandwich. That's why you don't eat when you're... That's what I was going to say. Imagine if you guys had to save me while we were recording. Would we keep that in?

Lauren's mom texted her today and asked her if she eats during every episode, which, Miss Hoagland, I can tell you... What kind of sandwiches? I can tell you for sure she does. She definitely does. It's ham and cheese. Ham and cheese, ham and cheese. And I haven't always liked ham, but I guess I like it now.

Lauren texted, she's like, it's time to record. and then the following text two minutes later was wait i have to go make it i forgot it's you said the way you phrased it was like you have to eat at 12 52 she was like lunchtime i forgot it's 12 52 i have to make my ham ham and cheese i was already in the middle of making it i really i like that pitch thanks it's a good one all right i have baggage drop who i know it's always airplane things but who's sick who here raise your hand we'll just show hands who here is sick a baggage claim this guy

I don't really use it what do you mean you don't use it you're going to over Christmas yeah you're right she's borrowing my suitcase she asked me

if she could borrow my suitcase that's crazy what are you getting I offered it I have like three cause when I moved

out here I brought like I only have a carry on I need a big one I need to get a big one as well but yesterday I was coming from

the Patriots game I was exhausted I was just like I'm checking my bag I don't want to deal with this so I did it and then I was waiting

a baggage claim and I was like this sucks I don't want to have to wait in line with all these people when I know I'm more athletic than them

so we should just drop all the bags in a pile and everyone just fucking go get them I would have had my shit and been out of there

before you could blink drop them in a pile yeah like it's a big thing opens up the ceiling it goes like it like opens a circle and then it just goes

everyone's shit like breaks I like the idea like when it drops everyone like screams it's just like start decking each other fucking that'd be so much better dude i would have been home oh way earlier way earlier i'm

also really bad at guessing which shoot it's gonna come out of you know sometimes there are two shoots yeah like on either side yeah and it'll just come out the other one and then i have to fucking follow my thing around like a ring around the posy bitch oh god you are sometimes you be a ring i'd be a ring around the posy bitch you said that like that's a thing um all right i don't know if i already pitched you guys this i'm really sorry it's an app that tracks your serotonin levels and when it goes too low it notifies all your friends that you're not having that great of a day so that they can send you like a fun meme or like come hang or something that's nice i don't think you pitched this i haven't i don't think you have at all yeah and then uh does it do

the opposite too it's like when it's like really high it's like somebody's this guy needs to be brought down a peg for sure it'll be like uh or it or it'll match you i just thought i was on the spot it'll tell you which friends are at similar serotonin levels you know when you're hanging out with your buddy and you're like you and i are not on the same wavelength right now we can if it's two guys that are low we both veg together if it's two guys that are high go to the bars or something it'd be good for like this podcast too like we'd like find like we could set like a thing that alerts us when we're all like on the same page and then we can jump in the pond yeah yeah i it's always difficult when you're like hanging out with someone and they're just in a way better mood

and you feel like you're bringing down their energy i'm like uh sorry but yeah hey there's nothing worse than the person that's like uh what's going on with you today yeah you're like nothing i'm just fucking i'm just not on cloud nine claire yeah sometimes i feel like we sometimes are on different levels yeah who's higher usually you i think i i think i feign even when i'm low i'll be like hey how we doing you're like all right buddy i feel like that happens like once every weekend like in a morning like rusty good morning like dude come on we'll we'll we'll always do this thing um it happened it's happened like five or six times it's really funny but he like will get into the hotel room and he'll do like fake horseplay and i'll be like all right not

right now like i'm like tackling the bed and kind of giving some like a noogie or something yeah i don't know i don't know what is wrong with me no someone's gotta do it all right what do you got um who's ready for an alternative to fruit snacks that's healthier and better for your eyesight me speak of the double speak of the don't those taste crusty as hell today crusty They're crusty The fruit snacks in our office are crusty today I've heard You're not the first person I've heard

Bobby Dolan told me this earlier Yes Like they're like Puffer on the outside than they should be Kind of normal Can I test one too? Yeah But anyway I've got vegetable snacks

Like veggie straws? No they're gummies But they taste like carrots Those don't sound good No I think those exist Shit i don't think they exist well all right vegetable fruit snacks they're not vegetable fruit they're

vegetables have my my final one is one of those purifying straws have you seen those where you're like people in africa can like stuck stick them in the water and like the dirty water comes out clear yes these ones are those ones but they turn it into your favorite drink okay i like i always just feel i always feel bad that yeah these guys have never tried like yerba mate so like we could send them these straws and it turns dirty water into did you say people in south america have never tried no no africa africa okay yerba mate is like i think the drink in south america right it's like all they drink it's all they drink all the day in paraguay and argentina and shit my uh my spanish teacher miss wither used to have the one that was like literal like the leaves in

there and then the straw like the weird metal you like you like pack it into the side and it was just i always thought it was kind of pretentious yeah i i don't get that it's like a like this it's the way that it's supposed to be made is there all these leaves like in like a tea ball or something in this strange shaped cup and you stick the straw in the bottom you have to like kind of pack the leaves and it's like tea but as caffeine whatever and she would always do it and make a big show of it before class and it was like we fucking we get it we get you're better than me Was she from South America? Yeah, I think she was from Argentina.

So it was like warranted that she was doing it, but it felt like it was kind of chauvinistic. She was shoving it in your face a little bit. Chauvinit. Oh, she was chauvinit in your... There we go. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. All right. Let's... We got two drafts for you guys. Oh, here's an idea. Here's a fourth idea. Celsius in the drinking water. It would increase productivity by 50%.

Everyone would be so anxious. I've never had a Celsius. I never will. Wow. And I never will. I don't like the branding. I've had two today. Why don't you like the branding?

I don't know. Bleep Celsius. I don't want a free ad. Yeah. All right. Should we do holidays that don't exist or colleges that don't exist? Holidays. All right, guys.

Colleges. Yep. Let's do colleges. Okay. All right. I got Swine Boil Wizard College. it's where kids go after hogwarts when they want to continue their wizarding education you found a way to get your fucking he every week he's like let's do hogwarts houses

i'm like that's just gonna be like two words together and be fair yeah um oh yeah uh one of my hog i've been pitching well grundle bush for a while but um okay swanboy wizard college is high school grundle bush yeah um i just always found it odd that they go to these all these kids go to this prestigious prep school and then they don't go to college after yeah or like or they're just like they go before were they in normal school yeah did harry potter went to like a regular elementary school you don't remember this at the beginning dudley is like gets his nice uniform and harry has to use the hammy downs and instead of buying him a new one they like dye dudley's old clothes the color of harry's like shitty school oh i don't remember that yeah i

don't remember who dudley is his brother his cousin his cousin anyway sorry i saw a guy this weekend that looks just like mr dursley all right what do you got willy um oh what was i the the mom and harry potter i just saw in a different movie she's oh uh um you're gonna say she's hot yeah no not lily this girl mrs dursley oh that's not the mom that's the aunt well okay the mom of dudley we're talking about yeah yeah no she's foul all right i've got vulnerable state university vulnerable yeah vulnerable state university it's for those it's not affiliated with any sort of state government it's just for people in a vulnerable state and everyone's real easy on you there oh that's nice you can turn a homework whenever or just like get it in by

the end of the year fine dude i like that um we had different routes clearly i got i got trip and fall school for the blind is it like it should be like trip and falls or something that's what that's like what i'm saying is like like trip and fall but it's spelled like a like a prestigious school got it got trip and fall school for the blind is it has a lot of like uneven staircases and, like, there's, like, places for blind people to fall down. Like the sprinklers at, like, the Buffalo Wild Wings commercials? Yep. I don't know what you're talking about.

Sprinklers that pop out of the ground when you walk across the grass. Buffalo Wild Wings. There's an old classic Buffalo Wild Wings commercial where they're rigging NFL games. Oh, yes, yes, yes, I have seen that. Okay. I like that a lot, trip and fall. Thank you.

How do you spell it? uh i had it t-r-i-p-p-e-n-f-a-l-l trip and trip and fall originally it was trip and apostrophe fall like trip and fall yeah but i felt like that was too you want to sound like a i wanted to sound like a real school yeah okay i've got french montana state it's it's an auxiliary campus of montana state university and all its classes are in french no relation to the rapper Total coincidence. But he played there last spring. He did the spring concert, and it was raucous as hell.

That sounds lit. I got Dougie Ryan's School of Hard Knocks. It's for people that aren't from the streets, but they want to live that life. And so they go to the School of Hard Knocks taught by Dougie Ryan. I love that. What's Dougie Ryan's deal? Tell me about him.

He's just kind of like a ne'er-do-well. Oh, God. Yeah, he's from Baltimore. he's like real tough guy he's just more like greasy than anything like it's not like you're not really afraid of him you're just like this guy's like gonna swindle me yeah yeah that makes sense thanks all right i've got the university of north america at albuquerque i feel like something i've noticed about colleges like they'll do this where they come up with a name and it's like i guess you can call it that but like yeah like you didn't get the authorization to like

from the whole continent i'm trying to think of what like there's one that's like like american university yeah it's just like who let you have that or like yeah there's just yeah exactly or it'll be like it'll be like like i think of um there's something i was thinking of when i wrote this but anyway moral of the story is it's the university of north america so that sounds really prestigious and it's no no but prestigious oh yeah i guess like if it's the whole con if they're claiming the whole con and they must be important they must be accredited but it's just a normal college in albuquerque university i got a i got a u of na at a yeah you know you know have you heard of bob jones university yeah it's like have you heard of this one i used to live down the

street from it what so what's his deal like you can't you can't drink you can't be out you can't have sex it's like it's like a cold christian college in greenville south carolina yeah and uh uh it like lost accreditation at one point good i think it might have may have gotten it back or something but it literally is just like this weird like far right christian paradise yeah and uh it's called bob jones university which i think is funny because the guy who started its name is just bob jones so he's just like it's mine yeah i got i got hollow brick school for the affluent i just feel like i feel or

sorry hullabaloo college for the affluent um i'm tired of these fucking i'm tired of rich people not having a place to go i just feel i feel like some of them are just so much better than us and they should have a place to just be with each other and not have poor people around like yeah because well because if not like what if a poor person touches them yeah or like maybe they catch it or like like they bring their public school values in right right these kids they they are They're the creme de la creme. They're the crong de la crong. And I bet their cafeteria has some dope food.

It's all food. Yep. Gordon Ramsay's the teacher. I thought you were going to say chef. That's what I meant. A head chef. A head chef, a head chef. All right, what do you got?

All right. See if you guys can see where my mind's at here. Ohio State. Michigan State. Florida State. um we got state yep uh what illinois state i don't think maybe it exists it exists perfect what are we missing main state uh alaska state but hawaii state i guess there are more of these than i didn't realize i had washington dc state oh not university oh no that doesn't

yeah because it doesn't make sense because it's not in a state and i just thought that would be fun i like how lauren lauren under her breath goes that doesn't exist and that's the it's the whole premise of our entire podcast is things that don't exist no no that doesn't exist um all right i got uh i got drifters 12 week bartending college it's um yeah it's like a bartending course and it's taught by drifters so they're really unreliable like of the 12 weeks you probably get four days of bartending but like that's it well because they're they're drifters they're like they're hard to pin down got it got it yeah they're actively drifting i don't know i don't know stupid i also i also had i think my

last one is way worse we have one more no no no are you college for babies why not start them young it's is it kindergarten or are they teaching them like physics uh depends on their intellect level but they typically baby stuff it's typically like goo goo gaga all that but they do have like a football team and they play lsu every year yeah so that's like a weird kind of just a bunch of casualties yeah all right let's do holidays that don't exist guys it's the holiday season it's officially december can i ask you something yeah what are some of the like holidays that your family celebrates that people might not know about oh uh at my house we do dia de los vivos it's the it's the opposite uh like so we're all familiar with the day of the dead right

Dia de los Muertos No one out here is celebrating life Right? We need a day And instead of celebrating the dead We celebrate people who are still living And how beautiful life can be Yes What holidays do your family celebrate?

Well, I mean, we do the usuals But maybe one you haven't heard of is We do Dependence Day You fucker There's no way I swear to God I had this oh my god in my family we do dependence day which is a day to you know now that we've gained independence i think it's fair to look back and celebrate our british roots oh so we celebrate

the day that uh we became dependent on britain and we we eat bangers in the mouth and we sing carols of and watch footy and just celebrate our dependence on a foreign nation that's pretty strange because the way we do dependence day is you have to give up all the things that you're dependent on so it's no day you cannot drink no nicotine no sex nothing and you have to everyone has to face all their demons at the same time wow two takes on the same i can't believe we both celebrate dependence do you also do don't do you do um children's day too no because it's like mothers get a day fathers get a day when is children's day their birthdays well the mothers and fathers have birthdays too that's true so in our children's day our parents would gather up all

the children in the neighborhood and we'd go to one big park and then we'd all race all the way to the other end of the park and whoever got there first got to be an adult oh that's sick yeah what does that mean for they were just kicked grown up now um well growing up we did something called bay day it's like valentine's day but for people that are a little bit less serious of relationships so uh if you just started hanging out with a girl and it's too early to ask her to be your valentine ask her to be your bay and celebrate bay day together i love that yeah um that kind of reminds me of five course meal day okay uh thanksgiving is great because we get one big meal in the middle of the day that i'll celebrate

but in my family we like to do five course meal day where it's a six months after thanksgiving and you do five separate meals each one grander than the last nice kind of punctuate it with one very grand one at the end that's pretty cool um in my hometown we did a thing called night day at sunrise everyone goes to bed and and this is awesome and and sleeps until sunset and then everyone wakes up and parties all night well i like the idea that everyone just like does the day like kids go to school and like we operate but the whole day is just like on a 12 hour yeah well you're new you're asleep all day no but i mean like like instead of partying all night you like do your normal daily routines and like all the stores are open no no no everyone is asleep

from sunrise to sunset i understand you have to party i'm saying what if instead of partying it was just everyone agreed to do it and then we still did our normal lives oh yeah yeah some people do that on night day that would be fun what if we found like a society that just does night stuff yeah that's a good point um okay i've got the last day of school in my family actually in my my hometown yep my home state my home country because i didn't realize how we're gonna phrase these when i came up with this one but uh the idea is that we nationally coordinate the last day school i think it's dumb that everyone has a different last day school like your body would have another week or your you know you're in college your friend in florida has like six

more months yeah yeah yeah in maine dude they go to like late june dude we my we would we would be out of school uh yeah like like right before july yeah and i would be out in may and we started school in like mid-september yeah totally different so they coordinate it and it's just like no it's like the purge after that school bell rings it's like and there's no laws for 24 hours it's awesome yeah um my favorite holiday is x's day so everyone uh reconnects with all of their ex-lovers right yep and um everyone writes down which one that they would be down uh to get back together with and if two people match then you go out on a date that night and you see if you can rekindle your love i love that um i also this is a bonus one we did the salem twitch trials

when we were growing up and it's basically the entire country votes on one woman that they think is or man, that they think is a witch and then they stream the whole trial on the streaming platform Twitch and we get to all get the day off and watch it

that's a great one and then if she floats, she was a witch yeah I think my last one is Funky Pants Day nice this was a big thing in my family And many families, actually, from my whole colony did this. Casually in conversation, suggesting that he lived in a colony.

It's kind of funny. Everyone on my commune. Yeah. And we all wear very, very, very funky pants. And the funkiest pants takes home the funky shirt. That's the prize, because everyone else has to wear normal shirts. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement. And nothing says it better than this.

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Yeah. Can I do one more? Yeah, go for it. It's called Blackbeard's Day. I feel like enough time has passed that, like, I'm tired of pretending like he doesn't, he didn't rule. Like, he was, like, a pretty cool guy. I think he murdered and... So, actually, that's a common, very, very common misconception.

Blackbeard, I don't, if I'm remembering correctly, didn't kill anyone until the last, like, fight that he was in. He basically was so intimidating that everyone would just, like, surrender. because they'd heard stories about him like doing these horrible things but he was actually pretty judicious in like his usual use of violence he did kill uh edward maynard i believe no not edward something maynard his name was edward right his name was edward uh thatch teach nope it's commonly mispronounced as teach i i was what is going on right now i'm a big blackbeard guy and um he was hanged what you know okra coke island okra coke island i thought it was in charleston oh do you know where he always hanged where he was hanged oh i thought you were saying like do you know

where he where he like hung out um i am lost in this conversation and basically everyone dresses up like pirates and we just like spend the whole day like looting each other and then we drink rum at the end of the day oh that sounds great yeah i would love to do a pirate day i know like pirate for a day like do they still do that when did they ever do that i don't know all right this has been one of the strangest episodes i've ever been a part of for sure um i feel like we always say that yeah no but this one this one i'm worried i'm worried that we let the playmates down a little bit i just don't feel very good and that one's on me i also feel weird yeah i'm a little mentally do i have a is my forehead really hot right now

it's hot in here yeah his forehead is really hot also two people in our office got covid i know i'm kind of worried shit so we all might have uh i don't know what i don't understand the question oh my god when do they get it or when do they test no when did you find like this morning this morning can i tell you guys can i tell you guys a crazy story yeah so we're in we're in nashville i probably shouldn't say this but we're in nashville this weekend okay and uh i was like hanging out with this girl and like wake up in the morning and like walk into breakfast like trying to brag about like how good looking this girl was and i was like you guys you guys see that girl last night and edge just goes uh yeah she was engaged and so i like immediately go into this

panic and i'm like i'm the worst guy ever like i felt so bad and i sent her a text and i was like hey like um super strange question like you're not engaged right she told me she was 22 right i'm 22 like there's no way right but like we're in nashville all her friend or like they were like passing around like a sash and a crown the night before this was like oh fuck like definitely was and she doesn't respond all breakfast so i'm just like i'm the worst guy ever and then she texted me at the end of breakfast and was just like no like what are you talking about turns out because he got her mixed up with a different girl that night and thought i was talking about that girl who was engaged and was being kind of strange around everyone but like that would have been god then

like a weak ruiner a life for me i would have been i wouldn't have been i mean that wouldn't be your fault yeah but like you wouldn't you'd feel so bad oh 100 yeah good on you for like feeling that way because there's a lot of people that are just like oh i don't care i don't understand that i don't understand the like there are people who who before they get married hook up with one last person it's like why are you getting married i don't get that either well yeah that's like that's like implying that because you're not married you're not yeah with each other yeah you've just been cheating up until this point yeah it's like all right once we get married i will stop cheating on you you ever gotten cheated on i have not no i had like a you know like olivia

rodrigo traitor yeah i had a i had a stitch that was kind of like that but i but where the second you guys broke up she got with the guy that you're like worried about yeah kind of i don't i don't really you want to talk about it i don't really it was like it was so long ago that it would be embarrassing if i talked about it you know what i mean i was like like if they happened to be listening like jesus christ six years i like sort of did but we like weren't really together it was like a weird situation so like kind of i like to think i did all right have you no i don't think so also like yeah it's implying that we're like these all-knowing beings like probably might have and you just don't now.

I feel pretty confident that... Yeah, the girls that I'm hanging out with are usually pretty nice people. Yeah. The less you know, the better. That's what Tam and Paul always said. Right? Yeah.

And then it's me. I might go home, dude. I don't feel very well. I also think I might go home. I was sick last week. I was sick last week. I just kind of was doing stuff all weekend and just didn't let myself feel it,

but I feel pretty awful. I think I am. We also abused our immune systems this week. Yeah. Yeah, it was a big week. I had a lot of fun. I did have a lot of fun. All right.

We love you guys. Wait, what should the comments be this week? Last week it was, what are you doing in your favorite color? And all the comments were hilarious. It was like smoking weed, green. 50 comments of just like nothing. Is that real? There are a lot.

Is that on YouTube? If you didn't listen to the end of the episode, the comments probably made literally, it would be like working, maroon. Wait, also you guys continue to send in your pitch submissions. Yep. Keep them coming. All right. What should this week's be?

Your dog's name followed by your mother's maiden name. I like that. Those will probably make sense. Dog's name, mother's maiden name. So mine would be Cookie Sweeney. Oh, that's a cool one. Mine would be Callie Grisanti. All right.

Dog and mom's maiden name. All right. We love you guys. We'll see you guys on. Or dad's maiden name. All family types are okay. Well, your dad's maiden name is your last name. All right.

We love you. We'll see you guys on Wednesday. Love you.