Will & Rusty's Playdate - the 2 million dollar porch

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

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how are you doing this so I look fantastic I woke I set my alarm for 9 a.m. this morning 903 right it was when I woke up and it's 914 mm-hmm so actually that's kind of impressive did you bike here no i drove okay that is very impressive i got out of bed and i looked at my phone i had a few texts from you and i went oh my fucking god i thought play well we're recording on a day we don't usually record and andrea texted 9 or 11 and i had not responded i realized yeah so that yeah but in your mind you picked the later in my mind i mentally picked 11 i was trying to remember why we didn't do 11 but you guys have a meeting at 11 and i didn't want you guys we have like our big meeting at 11 guys well i went to bed last night i was like

pleaded at 11 this time i learned for nine i feel bad because it feels like we're like fucking with you because yesterday i texted you like where are you in this meeting and that one was not my fault that one i went back and checked and we both were like yeah friday works great and then she just booked thursday thursday and i go off just like i have enough free time that i just log on i'm like awesome this is what i gotta do today like i'm not yeah planning more than a day ahead you know it's no one's fault of mine but i was more impressed than how quickly i got here this is like a normal amount of time for me to be late for this yes it's it's it's a problem though because now we know you can i mean obviously we want you to

be able to put yourself together i haven't showered i'm actually not even wearing a shirt shirtless hoodie is the most is the is the most like i'm doing nothing today yeah outfit of if i'm if i'm wearing a hoodie and no t-shirt under it things are getting weird i've got meetings out of this until like three so whatever maybe we'll get you like a hat or something i think a hat could make could turn that would do wonders hat would turn this into like this was a choice no gets bedhead like me no no one does it's unbelievable the thing the places my hair will be sticking in the morning i i like it i think you're in the same boat as me yeah you're kind of a rock star you're kind of given like joe right now like uh djo joe kiri

oh yeah uh stranger things guy oh yeah i'm out in you i think are in the same boat as me where There is no world we can leave the house without showering in them. Like I used to envy, uh, you know how, like in the movies, a guy will come down, like in his boxers for breakfast, but like his hair is normal. Like I, I felt bad being around my family with my bedhead. So I would like always shower. Yeah. I feel like when I was a kid, maybe I gave less of a shit, but definitely now

I, I, uh, I wanted to be the guy who comes down and grabs a strip bacon in his boxers and i never got to like i would shower before christmas morning because i was like this is gonna are you serious dude i was like this is gonna bum everyone out because my hair gets so crazy that's kind of funny i definitely didn't i'd get back i definitely did not care when i was little no i mean like now oh okay yeah maybe now i would i like now i remember like the point at which i was the i am the youngest child same which you are as well and you i am also actually wow we're all youngest siblings youngest boys that's wild the youngest i hang out with the youngest boy i hang out with the youngest boys and so like i

feel like the christmas like yeah you had to keep doing all the christmas stuff well there's a few things i get upset about which is it a couple years ago my parents like i think we're gonna stop doing presents that i was like you told me that and i was like my brother and sister got presents until they were 30 because i was a kid yeah my brother and sister are far older than i am your brothers your brother and sister's christmas payments were just like mortgage or christmas presents were mortgage payments because they were so old and that thing exactly except they both of them don't even own a house because of i thought sam bought it in this economy no wasn't he gonna yeah what happened he didn't he didn't pull the trigger

now this is there's a guy driving to work and he's going now this is radio but there's a guy with his girlfriend right now and they're on a road trip and he's like he's like listen he's like let's listen to my we always listen to two hot takes can we listen to my favorite podcast and then he puts it on and she goes this they're talking mortgage payments so his brother she's like wait can you pause for a second so his brother was gonna buy the house but then he didn't i feel like i'm missing something this is high don't pause it don't pause it so what did he opt for like that 30 year fix like what's going on i was gonna also yeah oh hi birdie i didn't even notice her that's how good of a dog she was

continue i usually say presents that was a whole that went over like a fart in the woods and uh so that we went back i got presents is that a thing the hunters fart in church whatever like a fart in church i'm sweating like a fart in the woods right now like the pope in church it's so hot these robes are so thick i got nothing to worry about but these robes are have you seen the pope's been hitting the six seven like everywhere i thought he did it once dude no he's been like six seven crazy i think he realized or he saw the reaction that he got when he was like driving through this parade that he's just been hitting it everywhere i like it i'm on board yeah look he's like he's like everywhere unreal what a great time to be we got an american

do you think that they're like they see him hitting the six seven they go we should have we picked a bad time to pick an american one no i think they look they look at him and they say i i got nothing actually they look i tried to yes and and then i just kid and can i just save my original thought please i feel like i've been clinging on to like a horse in church didn't you say no also didn't rusty say do you think they regret getting an american pope and you would know and then you go i was trying to yes and no you didn't know but no but they I was trying to

no but you guy in improv who thinks it's no but we're here at the coffee shop no we're not but

we are on the battlefield guy who that's like Michael Michael Scott in the office what does he do

he goes like the improv group in every scene he pulls out a gun and he's like Michael no more guns no more guns and then the next scene

he just whispers in the guy's ear and the guy goes what did he whisper you he said he has a gun but he can't show me wait i was gonna say sorry so it's on christmas morning the one thing that has stuck as a family is that we're like all right christmas morning starts at 9 30 okay that seems like or 10 maybe but like i'm just saying you don't have to change it for me no but like would 10 30 work 10 30 works for me can we make it 10 30 for me i'm just i just when i'm hearing this story i'm so sleepy i just remember a point in the story a point in the evolution of my childhood where it was like

i will because everyone else would want to sleep in and i would be the one waking up like they're like all right so i then it would be like i'd be going crazy like i'd wake up and i'd like be in my room like checking a a santa tracker no like a clock waiting until like sitting there holding a permitted time to go downstairs got it we we've been kind of we were the same way when i was a kid just like 7 a.m we were done yeah now have you been farting no bernie i actually haven't the but now we kind of ease into it we get like the popovers going we get the it's a pop-over a pop-over is like kind of an egg based imagine a muffin if it was like more eggy can you pull up a pop-over and then we put like jam on them and then we get the

mimosas going and the next thing you know no one has opened a present until like i mean i do um we do cinnamon rolls as our christmas tradition i had a cinnamon roll on sunday or on monday should not have done that bro i am still paying the price i have they got it there i have what i have if celiac wasn't like terminal if it just would it was like you get diarrhea is that a thing that might be celiac i think i don't think i don't know celiac i think i have diarrhea celiac i don't think it's terminal ever is it celiac yeah that you like yeah oh my god yeah celiac you can die like pretty easily i think celiac disease a chronic autoimmune disorder where eating gluten a protein found in wheat causes the immune system to attack and damage

the small intestine that's why they'll they can't the pope can't be celiac because they're worried that like an assassin could get him with like a with the eucharist shut up what is that the pope can't be celiac. The pope can't be celiac because if he has the Eucharist, if they forget, if they, you know, if there's gluten in it, he could die. He made this up. He got pope.

Yes, the pope can be celiac. You guys got gluten free? Oh, wait. It would require a liturgical... Wait, did you get lucky? He completely made that up. That was like, I... Roman Catholic doctrines dictate that the Holy Eucharist must contain some gluten that is why that's like when a kid in high school they put in like the manager on the

basketball team during senior night and he like throws up a shot and it goes in everyone's like oh my god yeah what pope can't be celiac he's straight rusty strikes again they can do very low gluten he would have to microdose yeah i think he'd have to microdose also isn't the whole thing they do like a ceremony to turn into jesus like i kind of was under the impression they could do that with a corn cob of corn if they wanted if they wanted to but it's not no they can't it sounds like i said wheat he doesn't turn into jesus i saw the catholics believe no no the you're spoke the bread oh i thought the pope turned into jesus i was like no that'd be pretty cool yeah um no yes so i i run with a a catholic crew that i think it's kind of an unspoken thing

like we don't actually believe that but that's like one of the key differences between like catholicism and like i know most like protestant religions like i know but here's the thing yeah we know yeah like he's not you're eating that guy's body i imagine i i here's what if it is his body but he's like doesn't like that it's become a thing he's like oh every time oh it's like we're torturing him i i uh here's my thing i believe in the guy i'm a religious guy i think there were i think like you know he passed when he passed away i think 90 of the stuff in there was just stuff other guys added sure and i just think that sometimes it's like he probably wouldn't agree have agreed with that yeah i think the i am bummed that i now know that the

eucharist couldn't be like a corn cob no i think it can be i think it literally said the catholic doctrine strictly dictates that the holy eucharist must contain some gluten to be validly consecrated oh oh so it has to be it could be like i think like in a pinch like a pop tart yeah in a pinch you could you could i mean if corn has starch right that's different i think it's a different thing have you seen that guy he's like talking about how real cowboys starch their jeans yes and they're like it's like it's a fully solid thing and he has to like travel through the airport like carrying them yeah that's what's been making me giggle this week gingle you guys got any big weekend plans oh no i'm guarantee we're leaving monday for a eight day midwest

midwest tour um so i'm kind of trying to lay low this weekend yeah i picked a bad we have a party bus on saturday so who ty's girlfriend's birthday so so that i would imagine will go a little sideways crazy go a little crazy last night i partied with willow smith can you believe that no way yeah i shook my head back and forth yeah yeah did you was it just you two like a one view one party i wish it was where were you part i was at i was at like a jazz bar it wasn't like really like partying we were just vibing out some jazz music at the same table uh she was standing next to me wow like i was just like there or whatever watching and i turned around and there she is did you say just chilling i wanted to but i was like too nervous did you recognize her

mm-hmm like immediately which like i don't know how but like i can recognize celebrities like that like even the most even the most niche people i saw like cash grabber 5 000 or whatever 9 000 i saw him on the promenade last week cash grabber a rapper no he's uh you could maybe say philosopher yeah philosopher street philosopher he's kind of like our play-doh he's kind of like our i would say maybe he's more like our uh socrates i think okay i mean his philosophies feel like can you look at me but pissing me off you've never seen cash grabber i don't know he just collided with big red would you rather have an 18 year old clavicular stream frequent flyer daughter or a 35 year old college campus meta rayban riz artist son would you rather

have an 18 year old he's asking the important questions meta ray ben riz artists I think Plato said something similar really

what does that even mean the guys that go onto college campuses with meta glasses and like hit on college girls and he's 35 or you have a

daughter is he oh he's 35 on a college campus yeah oh I'll do the daughter then but like

have you seen have you seen I don't want to I don't want to turn this into clavicular hour but I have been getting fed

a lot of clips recently yeah my own doing unfortunately he has this girlfriend who seems very nice and normal and he just on she's not you don't think so she's dating him yeah but like she can't be normal too nope there's zero world in which she's normal everything he does is the opposite of normal he's a freak i think he's like autistic yeah but that doesn't a bad guy he's a freak he he uh yeah so he's dating this girl and uh he'll just hit on other girls in front of her and it's so sad what i know i know clavicular i know he's cheating i saw him flying economy which was kind of interesting you'd think he would be what how far into this are you is it

the video oh my god the guy like wakes him up no oh does somebody wake him up yeah i saw a video of him like flying economy and somebody walking by like wakes him up and then was like why aren't you in first class and he was like what dude like leave me alone and then he knocks the camera your whole thing can't be like flexing and and mogging if you're gonna you have to you have to be you have to be first class first class i'm shocked he's not flying private i thought he's like a private kind of guy really yeah he makes that much money oh my god yeah you just bought a club you know how much money you have to have to buy a club money probably has like investors and stuff right probably but still i don't know i've heard it's really hard to fly private i've heard even

like a-list celebrities have a hard time flying private a hard time like financially you're just like tracking down a plane no it's probably both you like just the throttle is like hard to regulate on a smaller just takes them forever to get their airplane license our uh our family friend is a pilot for a private plane he flies like a gulfstream and he's got that thing uh i think i've already told you this i'm like obsessed with this gadget the gulfstream has like a uh screen over the uh over the windshield like on like a fighter fighter jet where you can like see all the data and it'll be like right in front of me doesn't have to look down isn't that all airplanes not to my understanding i think it's there's stuff like down there's like a screen

like knobs and shit his is just like in front of his face my car has that it puts the speed limit in like a hologram in the you got heads up i'm serious yeah i know i know it's called heads up really heads up display i believe yeah so it's like the it's kind of like that it's like a fighter jet he posted on his instagram story so he went to college with my dad and he posted an instagram story from no the the our friend that's a pilot and he took a picture of rollins from like 30 000 feet or however and i was like do you think that the person they like his boss was like going somewhere and he went out of the way so you could go take that picture or it was just a perfect coincidence i don't know or he was bombing you he could have been bombing he could

have been bombing here's a question do you think heads up the display and the app that ellen degenerates made are the same company uh yes and i think that in like five years do you know how to like alcoholics have to start their car by blowing into the tube you have to start your car you have to answer a couple heads up questions you have to act out a few animals that crushed uh i i speaking of famous people i saw christopher nolan what two days ago i don't think i could pull him out on rosa was it at that bar that he's like always at i don't think i could pull out of him what'd you say there's like a bar that he frequents all the time that no one go to where i don't wait that who goes to christopher nolan oh is it oh fuck maybe i shouldn't say it

bleep that maybe i don't know they i i know the that there's a bar that he's been seeing at the tyler seen him at okay it was it it's like by where we do our it's like but that's not like not on the west side oh it's like by where we do our ucb shows okay anyway where did you see him on rose avenue what i'm like 90 percent sure really there was no one yeah i don't know if i could pick him out i was like i think that's christopher nolan then i googled him and i was like that yeah what was he doing just walking around he's walking dylan said he walks his dog a lot so but he was behind a couple like a row of cars so i couldn't tell if he had a dog like he was on the sidewalk and i was on i was driving okay so there were cars between us so i

don't know if he had a dog he had a dog but he might have a dog because he was kind of walking very leisurely would you rather see christopher nolan or woody harrelson's brother get in his car again i forgot about that that's my favorite celebrity encounter nolan if you can even call that a celebrity he just watches yeah do you so i'm i'm still hung up on this he so woody harrelson's brother got like a baddie to get in the car with him it was like a scene out of a movie i looked around to see if there were cameras i know i think do you remember this story sorry say it again woody harrelson's brother oh yeah yeah yeah was that i mean i must have told that a long yeah but i remember tell it again i'll give the new play i'll give a speed run for anyone who wasn't

there i'm at the bar i'm outside smoking a cigarette okay not you know the occasional i didn't inhale i didn't inhale and uh this guy comes running this girl comes running out with this older guy and then a young hot guy is behind them and she's like please baby no don't leave me like don't like no and she's like i'm going with him leave me alone and gets in this like you said it was a mclaren yeah into a mclaren with this old guy that was like weird looking and the guy the old guy was like clearly like hammered and this young hot guy's chasing he's like no don't leave him for the old hammered guy and she gets he didn't say that but i'm you know put my touch on it and she gets in the car with the old weird guy and they speed off

literally going 80 miles an hour down main street in san monica which is like a a small you go 25 tops on that one he's woody harrelson's brother what do you guys and well i didn't know that at the time and we explained everything and literally by the time they're pulling away the young handsome guy is on his knees on the curb like no baby please like it was crazy and And he pulls away, and I go, what the fuck just happened to the guy standing next to me? And he's like, oh, you don't know who that guy was? That was Woody Harrelson's brother. That explained why she left her hot boyfriend for him and sped off, and why he got to drunk drive and no one did anything.

Didn't the guy say something about why it was safe? Oh, yeah. And then I was like, I think he was hammered. hammered i think woody harrelson's brother was hammered dude he's like oh he's good he'll do a cup he'll do a bump of coke and he'll be totally fine i was like what the fuck is this how it works what year is it what higher what kind of hierarchy is that do you so my question and why i'm so hung up on this is like at some point he had to like communicate to her why he was like the man do you think he just goes up to hot girls and he's like i'm woody harrelson's brother i'm about to do some

coke would you like to join me and they're like yes but well another yeah i i genuinely don't know maybe maybe also even if that got even if the hot guy got her back you can't go back to normal after she was gonna leave yeah i think you know in the moment you gotta try i i don't know if i'd try if flan gotten woody harrelson's brothers mclaren and sped off yeah i might I'd just be like, that sucks. Fuck. I would have done the same. Can you blame her?

That reminds me of those videos where the guy's like, hey, do you want to go on a date? And she's like, no, I'm good. And then the Lambo pulls up, and he gets in, and she's like, wait, actually. And he goes, sorry, I don't like gold diggers. Gold digger prank in the hood. Yeah, and then he gets in, drives off, or whatever. It was ridiculous. uh i wonder how famous my brother sam would have to get to where i could start acting like that

or how famous can you get before sam can be that because right now you have a better shot i think sam's already doing shit like that there are people begging their girlfriends not to leave sam's car you know what that was don't get on the subway with him that's willie d's brother fuck i want that for him so bad that was willie he's a honda crv she just got in his rav4 and sped off he'll do a bump of coke and he'll be totally fine he'll have a celsius it's like everything part of it is lamer he'll have a sip of celsius and be fine or wait no if by that logic he wouldn't be drunk he's high or he's i think willie d's brother is super tired yeah don't worry he'll have a celsius to be fine i think he's exhausted that's like what's attractive about it

you know girls like like the the sleepy the sleepy stoner look or whatever they call it sleepy eyes guys like there's something about like chill guys who are like kind of checked out like guys that look like they haven't slept in 10 years yeah yeah i think i think i think willie d's brother is like exhausted he'll have dude i think willie brother willie d's brother has astigmatism he'll put on his glasses and be fine it's actually real people send me that sam denell in like hologram all the time what is that you know how he's like the spokesman yeah a little like a hologram thing yeah he's an ai guy yeah and a lot of times got multiple of them yeah and a lot of times people will be like this looks exactly like willie d i have to be like that's his brother that's so that's

a lie he's like the ai spokesman of accenture dude i've been getting uh i've been getting dm you know how like everyone's video will pop up and it'll be like this looks like willie d or like this looks like rusty or whatever they like the same like yeah you know 20 people will dm the same video my newest one is a fucking guy with down syndrome and i'm not sure there's anything wrong with that but if i get one more fucking dm of nate i forget i forget his last name yeah i'll pull it up google like nate uh nate with down syndrome he's like pretty famous i think he works here i have got that too yeah and it's it's there's one video where they're filming him with the flash on and so his eyes are like really bright when he's looking back

and if i get one yeah it's this one it's that one it's that one i get this and i get it fucking 300 times a day being like what's his name a thousand pine like he has a t-shirt brand he's like golf shirt brand and like a thousand pineapples or something i got in my car the other day to plug my phone in and my uh usbc charger had fallen into a seltzer can like it was like completely submerged in the thing so i tried to dry it out when you plug it in your phone goes like nuts water yeah like like an alarm goes off it's like water detected water detected yeah i still can't believe usbc isn't a college

university of southern british columbia boom dude i've been grinding this game called map tap is it what it sounds like it is exactly what it sounds like so you get 20 seconds it's head to head so you put a challenge out there to anyone else who's playing map tab you're like i can get closer to these locations than you can so you have five locations usually like 20 to 25 seconds you have to scroll through the map really quickly what is it what information does it give you it'll be like click on uh harrisburg pennsylvania was a recent one today or like click on the louvre click on but does do you have like a state and like country borders no no no it's a blank it's literally like if you had the globe in your hands with no so that's why it's hard got it is it'll be

like minneapolis minnesota i'm like i know it's fucking now i know but at the beginning it without the borders it's like holy shit that's way further east than i thought or whatever but i uh i'm making my way up i'm still um the category that i'm in is tourist but i'm slowly making my way to backpacker and uh so if anyone's out there you'll see me playing click click on my name we can play together um and it's it's elo like chess so like if i play a guy who's way better than me then i get more points for beating him than he gets for beating me so they're like grandmasters there's this one guy from canada who's like kind of top dog right now whoa and uh so yeah every everyone anyone wants to play me in map tap you know where to find me jack kelly on map tap um

i'll be there most but i've i've had it for two days and i've played like over 200 games jesus wow i'm going heat wire you love map tap just like tapping it up are you any good at geoguessr so not as good like i think willie's better than me i'm good at maps i have no idea what they what these places look like fair like i could probably tell you like that's a certain part of europe but there are there are people who are like this street sign they do their slow down sign looks like this in luxembourg like i don't have that down but i i uh i'm kind of in my prime for maps i think okay i usually get the best i am usually is around christmas time because i just sit there and do it all day um but i'm good i'm getting pretty good i personally love maps yeah

i mean they're awesome what you're i feel like you're kind of like a mercator projection guy yeah or you're like you know you like the orange slices you fucking yes and literalist is that a what is orange slices it's the most accurate way to make like the globe on like a flat surface because you can't to make a to make a sphere on a on a 2d plane greenland big greenland has or something has to be like distorted yeah but with the orange can you pull up like orange slices map they like just basically like flatten it'd be like cutting up a sphere and flattening it so that nothing has to be distorted so you can cut up the globe however like that thing it's a literal orange peel is the best way to describe it where no one over one over yeah so like that

if that was what the world looks like in an orange then you could cut it into those things and nothing would have to be distorted but it does i think make things look further away if that makes sense than they would be but I'm having a lot of fun with it and I'm learning new things every day and that's all you can ask for in this life is to just get one percent better every day a real thing that's been going through my mind lately is when I I heard someone say get one percent better every day and I didn't really know how to apply that to my life so I've just been using one less paper towel each time I dry my hands down to three three is about as low as I can get with where my hands aren't sopping you use three paper towels when you dry your hands

yeah what do you use or three of like the rectangles they're not a full square no no like here in the office i think one two three two maybe two two my hands are so dry though that the water just sits on top of them like they can't go in so i have to three's about as low I can go four is what I would do if I really want to get crazy but out my friend Alex Grove asked me a question he just got married congratulations to the Groves within the within the last year they got married and they called me like either right before or right after they got married I think they were like going through all these different things to make sure they were like on the same page about everything before they like officially got married and one

of the questions was like how many squares of toilet paper should we be using and he said two wait they were going through what they were just like shooting the shit whatever like trying to figure out like if we're on the same page i don't think it was like a formal sit down like but like they were just you know talking yeah how many squares of toilet paper at home you're wiping your butt you don't have a bidet how many squares of toilet paper are you using per wipe oh per wipe two andrew no bidet no bidet i'm not wiping then okay i'll just wait until i find a bidet i i agreed with him if i'm at work oh my god it's like i'm going haywire in there but at home if i didn't have a bidet i'd go to one of them said they were using like way too much

i mean sometimes if it's like i feel like you can tell going into the first wipe sometimes what it's gonna be yeah if i know it's gonna be like a mess down there or like the you never have to like stand up the toilet paper is across the room so you have to stand up and then the poop gets smeared between your butt cheeks and then it's like oh my god i'm gonna be here all afternoon just to me where's your toilet paper roll so sometimes i'll look over i'm like oh fuck and it's like 15 feet across the bathroom under the sink with the other toilet paper so i have to get up and next thing i know it's like on my thighs down your ankles down my ankles yeah your socks are black i um wait fuck i just had something i wanted to tell you about my white thing oh

about white boys i was laughing the other day you know it's a class it's a tale as old as time where like you're on your like sixth wipe and you've made no progress do you ever like switch up tactics you like put in special teams or something like i'm a fold guy so i'll be like folding and then i'm like this is not working so i like i need to maybe get in there deeper then i'll like crumple to like really maybe like scrape some out and then go back with the flat does that ever happen to you or you just you just are folded until it till it's done yeah i think i just have one approach i don't think i've ever switched it up but maybe i should be i have like a golf kind of a golf approach yeah you like get out your five iron yeah yeah you're getting like deep in the playbook

i uh i've been known to do you guys go do you guys go under your balls or behind your back behind my back behind the back i was i'm a behind the back guy but until like sixth grade i was going the other way until someone told me that's apparently not very sanitary you're just like scooping poop into your balls yeah right but there's no poop down there like i'm making sure all the poop's gone but is it just the it's like a it's like a oh so you're not pulling it out far enough to get your balls right uh the way i was doing it it was like i would go i would go all the way up balls cross my penis up my belly button and then back down it was kind of a i had kind of a squeegee situation going you ever sealed the driveway it was kind of like that i've never

sealed the driveway that was like just shit fest can you pull up can you pull up sealing driveway video this is what i did for this was my side gig for a couple summers it was it's the best way to make cash if there are any like kids in college or high school this is how you do it go to yeah short videos these guys are showmen they don't they they're doing it for speed or no this guy's doing it this guy's he's standing in it which is not how i do it but uh yeah it's kind of like i need one go to one where there's more mess can we go more pull up one that's slightly messier sloppy dirty wait go to like the third one the third one's good seal coating driveways sorry the fourth one my company yeah this one this is what this is how i used to wipe

just kind of pushing it all over my body god the camera work is not what is that what is it so it's a seal coat coat so instead of like repaving your driveway you can put a small layer of sealant over it that will kind of like refresh your driveway for a couple years and i still get texts people asking if i still do this i was like i am clearly not getting the word out well enough that i'm trying a new thing if they're these are these are guys that like know me like hey you see hey you in town this summer my driveways needs another sealant we you can also seal the cracks with a different different type of sealant and uh we we had the brilliant idea to i only did this on jobs of my

dad for my dad i'd never do this at someone else's house but my dad got us a flamethrower to try and like you could like hook a flamethrower up to like a propane tank and it would like seal it quicker so we'd pour the sealant in and then we'd like blast it with the blowtorch but the i don't think that that's how you're supposed to do it i think he just maybe wanted it wanted a flame it was a flamethrower or blowtorch flamethrower is like a gun it's gonna this was like this was like a long pole with a huge like thing on the end and then it had like a grip like a gun that you'd squeeze and then there was a tube that went from the gun to the propane tank i believe awesome it was so dangerous though because you'd have to

to like get it started you had to like and like let gas out and then like try and like with like one of those uh in like chemistry class you know where you like rub it it's like a little bowl and like tongs and like the little like i don't know if it's like a flint because if i held a lighter up to that it would like so you needed to like and like get like one little spark and it was like whoa it was awesome scary that was the summer i was working for my dad so there'd be guys doing like real work and then me and cam he we'd be doing real work and then he'd come in and be like we need you guys need to go seal the cracks and they'd come out for lunch and cam and i would be playing with a flamethrower that sounds awesome

i love fire there was nothing more fun than uh using the pressure washer to make like dicking balls in the driveway and stuff at the golf course trust me when when when we got when we got the call the office needed to be power washed there were some phallic it is also it's scary because so it's really hot when we were doing this and so you have the urge to like we have this water source we should like cool down it can a pressure washer can like literally like take the skin off like your fingers yeah and so we'd like try and shoot we'd be like 60 feet away from each other cooling each other down what if what if you off the wall oh okay call me mj where call me mj the way i'm using the glass oh my god off the wall like michael jordan like vans

that's jackson's call me vans the way i'm off michael jackson oh why was he off the walls that was his album that was like his big hit album off the walls off the wall off the wall oh but isn't he on the wall in the picture it's a good question aren't we all technically i mean i feel like everyone's default setting is off the wall there's very few guys that are on the wall but he's on the wall i'd say he's off it i think he might be like a few inches off yeah i think the only guys that are on the wall are like window cleaners spider-man windows windows are on the wall um oh my god speaking of this was a thing earlier when i when we said use the glass i saw someone smoking crack for the first time how do you know it's their first time

and that is why we do it that's why we podcast guys for moments like that i want everyone out there rewind listen to that again i know a couple of you uh missed you maybe missed that it's a little over your head go back and re-listen to that that is just good good clean podcasting there was a woman doing crack and i thought she was she was in like in venice she was in the it was in santa monica actually but she was in that like crouch that um like people on their lunch break at like restaurants do it is near uh like all the it's like a commercial area but i park in the back of so it was like in this alley but there are places where like it would make sense that someone's on their break i've seen people on their break there and so i thought it was just

someone doing the like slav squat or whatever where people like sit and like eat their pizza what is it can you show me where they're like got it yeah yeah yeah and then i looked closer and i was like that is a bowl of either meth or crack it was like it was like a cartoonishly round it was a it was a crack pipe yeah and and she was she was like very polite that's why i like caught me off guard you talked to her i walked in she was sitting right i've never seen this before do you mind if i just watch i am just fascinated by what you've got going on so you light it and then it makes you feel what and so yeah and then the crack makes you feel great would it help my golf swing

wait so i was walking in i was like hi because she was right by the door i thought it was maybe like someone on their break from even there yeah and uh and she got very nervous so but yeah i mean guys life in the fast lane you're gonna be seeing people smoking some crack have you ever seen it yeah crack yeah oh yeah in like the bowl yeah and what do you do keep walking that's all you can do man buy your house yeah huh a couple months ago i was having a rough day at work and And I was like, I'm just going to go for a walk, clear my head, you know, go to the pier, you know, smoke some crack, people having fun. I'm walking by. The first thing I see is a guy like sprawled out on a park bench using his last ounce of life to hit this crack pipe.

And I was like, ooh, this did not help me mentally. Me with Diet Coke when I'm hungover. Yeah, I mean. True. I was going to say, Andrew, that wasn't his last inch of life. That was just the last inch to get to the next hit. Oh, my God. I bet he was up and dancing a second later.

He was pulling cartwheels the second you walked past him. Oh, my God. I'd say another roller coaster after. Woo! Yeah. Ferris wheel. I don't know how I feel about it. It looks not fun.

have you seen those guys that are like freaking out on it yeah it seems terrifying oh no whenever birdie and i are playing fetch there oh i saw a woman getting a ticket for having a tent this morning during our like fetch thing so she didn't look homeless it looked like someone who just like wanted to like camp camp or like i don't know like maybe have like a nice place to just hang out and it was like in the park down by where we park and uh and she got a ticket and just disassembled the whole thing was it a woman cop it was a man cop woman lady man cop woman tenter oh okay you know what i'm saying i was gonna say i saw a woman cop this morning she was she was booking everybody yeah yeah i said girl boss i saw a cop you know in like uh they're

caravanning down all with their lights on like like five cars are all going to the same place this was awesome there was five cop cars flying down uh nielsen or ocean whatever it is with their lights on and then like five sec i'm waiting to cross it's like five second break and then one of the parking like three wheel tiny cars with his yellow lights after them that's awesome i was uh i was driving down sunset last night after the show and um um i was like parking what show uh the jazz show and i was parking and i heard this like really loud like and this valet guy started like freaking out and sprinted in front of my car and was like looking down the road or whatever and i was like wait wait like what's going on and then i didn't

think anything of it and um i saw some like fire ambulances go by whatever and then i'm leaving and i'm like driving by this like two million dollar porch uh two million dollar million dollar porch oh my god how's it on wheels it's like it's got like the biggest chairs and like the best view and shit on it's on a normal house too is it two million and then and so there i am just trying to come home from my jazz show and a two million dollar porch comes down the thing two million are there even two million dollar porsches they're probably right you mentioned this i think you before we started recording you mentioned the price of a lamborghini as a million dollars so i think we might this is real there's got to be two million dollar porsches right

okay it could have been the 918 spider i think there's like there's like three of those in the world uh yeah anyway it was i'm not a car guy yeah okay so um but it had completely like i think they were trying to drift and their whole back end went into the fence on the side of the road and just completely totaled the whole thing there were all these five cop cars all around um but wait so it hit the fence did it go through the yard and hit the two million dollar porch or is the porch on porch crime porch on porch crime Porsche on porch crime Porsche on porch crime can you toss my phone I had something on there I wanted to talk about and then I realized it was dead which is also a miracle that what if my alarm what if my phone had died overnight

ah oh I got it was uh if in severance one time one of the guys just went up the stairs and then he got up there and was like still the same and it was like no one fucking ever tried the stairs do you know how their brains all switch off in the elevator yeah he took the stairs yeah he's just like they didn't even they were like oh my god fuck we didn't even think about he just was like fitness i'm gonna try to take the stairs then he gets up there and he's like oh my god guys it's a different person and then they all just go down the stairs he takes the fire exit yeah oh i'm i'm re-watching how i met your mother there's a lot of gay jokes that i didn't realize like bad jokes or like jokes yeah like just the punch line is that someone's gay or lesbian which

i did never know isn't neil patrick harris gay neil patrick harris is gay or lesbian yeah they say uh are you guys familiar with the show yeah you know he's like obsessed with suits i'm not familiar at all he's like obsessed with like you know suits like business suits like to the point where it doesn't really make sense and i heard a fan theory that suits might be code for coke and he had like a coke problem because you know weed is sandwiches like what so the the in the show it's like him telling his kids about how he met their mother right but it's like this really long strung out story and so he'll like change certain details because he's like telling children this so like instead he'll never say smoking weed he'll be

like me and marshall were eating a sandwich and then like if they're if it's a bong it's like a big sandwich and if they're like smoking a joint they're just like passing each other like a small it's very silly wait the whole show is he's telling his kids about how he met their mother neil patrick harris's uh ted mosby who's uh josh radner is the actor isn't ted mosby from sweet love is acting cody that is mr mosby so i guess and he's but he's black and ted's white okay or ted is ted hispanic pull up josh radner ethnicity for me josh radner is oh i make on jewish he is of white ethnicity and is primarily of well what kind of jewish ashkenazi wait so how are suits metaphors for coke they he's like

upset like he has like withdrawals when he like can't wear his suit and he's like always trying to get other people to wear suits and uh wait neil patrick harris's neil patrick harris's character you said this guy is the guy telling the stories yeah yeah but he would he's not gonna tell his kids like your uncle barney was doing coke so like he was obsessed with suits oh i see so like all the scenes i see from the show are like his stories yeah yeah yeah and then sometimes like it there there it's a very fun show to watch high i took an edible last night and watched a little how i met your mother it is because there are just watch it high is all i'm telling you it's very fun did you ever know a kid in school that was like worshiping um barney barney yeah yeah

like would wear suits for every opportunity would use the pickup lines on the girls in the cafeteria i don't know if he wasn't like trying to be like him okay he just loved the character and we both liked the show so i think the majority of our conversations were about the show were about barney and so i just the only he was in my advisory and so i'd only see him okay an hour a day yeah and we'd only he'd only talk about barney yeah and uh there there was another kid so his like best buddy him and i had this joke and i can't remember like the setup or what it was about but the punchline was mark twain and i don't know if he remembers like why we thought mark twain was funny but i'll talk to him like once a year and one of us will just text the

other one like mark twain or like dm him like he comments mark twain on my things and like i'll pass mark twain elementary and like crack up but i don't remember the setup i just remember the punchline was mark twain and we thought it was the funniest thing of all time i think it's pretty funny right andrew yeah i mean i uh first day of freshman year of high school i didn't know this kid's name so i just started saying random names until he turned around and he turned around on chad which was not his name but for the rest of the year we called each other chad okay and to this day we haven't talked in probably 12 years now and to this day we still comment on each other's instagram posts chad my cousin's name in my phone is bleep this but it's

who's like a who's like their family friend that we thought we just thought he was like a silly guy and i've never met him i just would hear stories about how he was like kind of odd and it's been 10 years and her name in my phone is a guy i've never met and she's my favorite cousin i have a family member that i call can you bleep that in the edit and why you know why do you call her okay in a world why did you assume it was her in a world where where you're not allowed to be straight it's like a slur all right you gotta bleep everything oh also do you want to talk about the viral sketch yesterday that you that came out oh a viral sketch came out yesterday yeah um you should check it out it's on the on youtube who carried more the weight of writing

it was it you or billy billy for sure oh really yeah oh that how i how it feels to cancel plans yeah well no billy and i were like brainstorming together and he pitched the idea and then we kind of we wrote the first few drafts of it kind of hand in hand but then by the end of it you kind of it's kind of hard like too many cooks in the kitchen by the end of a sketch where it's like someone has to just see it through and so that was billy but it was his idea initially too so what are those brainstorming meetings like like they're not really meetings it's just like we're just like in there brainstorming are you guys just like throwing out ideas writing them on a white board yeah doing bumps like doing bumps doing bumps mostly a lot of coke goes into these ideas

people are gonna talk people are people are gonna talk about old aftv like they do old saturday night of live where they're like it was funnier when they were doing coke yeah coke is back at almost friday coke is back at almost friday can you imagine if we you and i did coke on this podcast um yeah go back and watch episode 43 that was our coke episode we were coked out you'll see it now i wonder if episode 43 is should we see how it starts yeah can we see if episode 43 sounds like we're on coke we okay so we were on coke during this episode so let's give it a shot i'm driving home bro i got in a taxi yesterday okay and taxi cab yeah i had it i had well i had my golf clubs and i was like i don't want to get have the uber get here i was at lax didn't want the uber to get

there and then like not fit you didn't want to do anopoly oh yeah did you see my story i didn't know if that was funny or not no it was it was very funny but i looked it up it's like so we were coked out here i know a lot of the kind of kind of a inside playdate moment watch this are we gonna get copyrighted for playing our own video i know because i think we're if you're coked out you can you if they're if the video is coked out yeah you're allowed to you know what i'm bummed though is i used to love that mug you remember i'd always have and i go beer beer probably what happened to it fuck if i know lost probably can i go pee and then we'll do the roadmap yeah fine this episode is brought to you by lucy lucy is the official pouch partner of almost friday

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products are only for adults of legal age and every customer's age verified warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical this episode is brought to you by the peep the good people the good good people at mud water are you one of the people who loves coffee come on man we all love it the taste the ritual but the smell the smell but that caffeine sends you into an anxiety spiral because Willie and I have experienced the same thing. I love trying new coffee shops and, you know, getting into those fun seasonal drinks, but a full cup of coffee sends me into a spiral of thoughts that is so spooky. I can't even tell you about it right now, but that's why I love me some mud water. It's the same morning ritual. You got coffee, chai,

or matcha but with functional mushrooms and adaptogens instead of a full caffeine hit i'm talking steady energy but without that spiral i've actually been loving their original blend it's cacao chai turmeric and functional mushrooms like a spicy hot cocoa right warm grounding actually satisfying it's for coffee shop lovers who just can't handle the full caffeine load anymore mud water is the version of your morning drink you didn't know existed because loving coffee shouldn't mean negotiating with it every morning uh they actually got four flavors they got the og coffee matcha and turmeric so if you're a coffee person a matcha person chai person something in the middle there's something for you but the og is where most people start because it's like hot

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chaos and uh you go to the one bathroom that's like easy to get to and so i go around to those back bathrooms i go in they're recording empty netters i was like oh sorry and they're like no you use the bathroom use the bathroom okay so i use the bathroom and on the way out they're like i was it and i was like oh it's good it's like come on come sit here we want it so they like i I just went on Anthony Netter's pod for like a minute. What did you talk about? I gave my Stanley Cup finals prediction. What was it?

Carolina Hurricanes, baby. They're up 3-1. In the Stanley Cup? In the Eastern Conference finals. I was going to say, bold prediction if they're already up 3-1. How do you feel that you and Trump are both Knicks fans? Trunt. Trunt.

you're gonna i'm like you're sitting in his box you know the funny thing about me and trump being both nicks fans i think we're both the same level of nicks fans if we go to the finals it's great yeah like i'll i'm gonna root for him because it's the finals but i literally haven't watched a single game all year so i want to be very clear when you see me posting like nicks like because i had too many beers watching a finals game just be i want to be abundantly clear i have not watched even one playoff game this year i watched one minute of next basketball this season if trump invited you to sit in his box at the finals would you i would put weed all over my hands and make him eat it that's what they or no that's what they do that's

why the pope can't be celiac is trump celiac oh i don't know but i take there's a sketch about celiac actually who this guy made a sketch where him it's like trump and a girl both like postmates the same gluten-free pad thai because they're celiac and then they have a date because he and they he's like yeah you know they can't there can't be a celiac president because they're worried a single bread crumb could take him down and then they have this like sweet date it's very funny that's sweet you'd recognize the guy i can't remember his name i'm worried that this coffee might be from yesterday oh lordy i knew it cold too good to be true from yesterday yeah yeah all right we got a beautiful episode for you guys today we're gonna hear

it's probably fine though right yeah is it cold yeah it's probably gross but it might be fine is can you look up can you drink coffee that's been out overnight in the pot overnight yes you can safely drink black coffee that has been left in the pot overnight the acidic environment makes it difficult for bacteria to grow all right we have a beautiful episode for you guys today we're going to hear your pitch followed by uh do i need a lawyer then we're going to do this guy rocks teach me something actually then we're going to do do i need a lawyer then we will do uh black mirror episode did you write anything can i just do mine yeah we'll do black mirror episodes that don't exist and country songs that don't exist i'm really sorry no that's all right you texted

them to me this morning right yeah yeah but it was also like it was an it was it was it was like late enough in the morning that it would have been a bitch to write them i had full day shoots yesterday and the divorce i've been just so out of the loop i've been sleep maxing yeah sleepiness were you sleepy i haven't been getting enough sleep but i am sleepy okay i've been really sleepy too actually really something in the air should we hear a pitch yeah from emory day one listener first time pitcher what's up simba scar and timone simba scart i'll be legos what's the worst part about building legos oh man uh after like the fourth hour of doing it without looking up i get really anxious and i also get uh builder's thumb maybe the lego yeah yeah i think

i just get really scared of i you know what my problem is i bought so many i'm like way behind on sets and i'm getting like the way i used to get with like homework it's like if i have so much to do then i just don't do anything it's smashed down in your backpack yeah yeah i've had a set i'm gonna build one tonight that's my pleasure to you my every one of my everyone i love is gone what do you have left uh i have cassian and or ship which is like a home run for me okay and i have a tie fighter and uh those are the big two but yeah i gotta finish the expedition i believe it is that's been sitting on my desk half built for almost a year and then i have the black pearl that's fun yeah i'm um everyone i love is gone

tonight scott and dylan and lauren where are they so i'm like fucked uh scott's in scott oh wait this is actually sorry to interrupt this person whose pitch it is is probably like jesus christ uh scott is in mammoth he's doing the the colorado 999 tomorrow which is nine holes of golf nine runs on the ski slopes and then a nine inning baseball game all in a day that's incredible he's in he's in may which i think it's called the colorado 999 because that's pretty practical in denver in california in may is it's a little crazy because mammoth is like five or hours or six hours right so they're gonna go out at place golf at 7 a.m then hit the ski slope at nine do nine runs and then get in the car and drive down and make a 7 p.m dodgers game saturday night

That is going to be exhausting. Any one of those things makes me exhausted. The worst part must be sitting through nine innings of a Rockies game. Am I right? Come on, man. Well, this is the Dodgers. Come on, man. Are they playing the Rockies?

Oh, he's not actually in Colorado. No, he's doing it. That's what I'm saying. He's doing it in Mammoth. Oh. So we have to drive. Like in Colorado, I think you get to a mountain. I was asking Dylan.

He's like, yeah, you get to a mountain in like 20 minutes or something. Yeah. And a golf course. i'm sure there's a million golf courses and then the stadium yeah wait can you look up actually i think the dodgers might be playing no they're playing the phillies they were just playing the rockies though so that was almost that was almost good yeah all right what's the worst part about building legos uh exactly you don't have the room to display all the sets you have and the fun part is building it yeah that's where my idea comes into place it's a monthly subscription that sends

you a lego set of your choice for you to build and send back when you finish building it our ai system counts and rehashes the pieces for the next person and once you send it back you can get a new set sent to you uh if you really like the lego you built and feel attached to it no worries just keep it and you pay the retail for the set and you are free to pick another one all i ask is for a free subscription when you guys get it up and going i like it i like yeah i i'm a guy who gets a little attached when i build them for sure but i do i think there's a few i would send back right now i i got i obviously went through that kind of overzealous phase where i was building like one a week and now my room is like 90 legos and i'm only attached to like five or six you know

of them and then when we're moving i don't know what i'm gonna do yeah i mean lauren has been like you know maybe at some point we use this we could you could use this uh like she's clearly like yeah trying to soft launch that she's so where do we even bring i don't even know where i'd bring them you can't like donate a lego set throw them out i guess you can actually apparently built one or you can sell them too yeah apparently on like facebook marketplace people buy like thousands of dollars of legos but i don't want to disassemble them i would need some i would literally be like you can have this for free if you come into my room and figure out how to get out well you can some of them are trains where it's like i can't even put them in

a box they're so long you can't separate the cars i can but then i don't know where i'm think i'm gonna look into when we move i think i'm gonna look into guys who are like lego specific movers that has to be a thing right you could definitely figure out how to move though dude you don't know the shit i have in my room dude the orient express just take the cars the hogwarts express the hogwarts express is the size of that table take the cars apart i also think any movers are capable of like moving legos you think any person is i wouldn't trust i don't even trust that's why i say just do it yourself well i mean they're used to moving like valuable things not valuable things that could break if you like blow on it wrong i don't know

about that legos i'm worried about it because i let's think about that when are you moving july where are you moving we're tied needs to stay in brentwood so we're just touring houses in brentwood got it um i have the globe the mona lisa the orient express the hogwarts express the i've starry night i have like starry night that's just a flat that i can do that i can that in the mona lisa no but you just pick up starry night's not flat that's the problem it's like a 3d painting i'm just worried if something falls off the telephone booth the all my harry potter shit you just make it like a trip out of it and just one by one bring it into your car very carefully and yeah yeah i promise you you can move your okay no i think you should find lego

well actually no you're right i want you to find lego specific yes you're right see how much what am i doing yes right but also that like here's the thing so if i take them all off because they're on furniture so the furniture has to go into the new house first so i need maybe a lego specific mover and a regular mover to kind of be working in tandem and i need them to maybe it's gonna be a nightmare no matter how you hash it up it's gonna be no matter how you hash this horse it's gonna suck i like that thank you all right uh i'm in on the pitch i like the pitch yeah all right can we do this guy rocks yes all right i have a baby who has been cracking me up the dad and this is funny too but i really everyone turn your video on because the baby is the funny part

it looks like me all right so this is a dad and he's explaining to his baby what it's having for dinner for tonight's dinner course we have a wide selection of different goodies for you we have the burger cut up into your favorite rectangles we have the uh truffle cheddar cheese with a little reduction on top we have the there's no reduction on top we have a cantaloupe fingerling and then your broccoli rabies enjoy he's like i'm scared like an old baby yeah what is already years into his mortgage already that baby's seen some stuff that's awesome um all right do you have one yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. you know you know all right you know all right so this is a choice you have to make

you have to pick which of these two guys you would want to live with okay okay and everyone has to think of what their answer is before they say it out loud okay so everyone can be authentic okay what's up i'm worried all right so pick a partner lucas or greg yeah think about it in your head then we'll all say it on three play the video though partner to live with you greg or lucas if you picked greg he walks in and immediately knocks your lamp off the table on purpose he watches it fall then looks at you he does not apologize he is neon green tall and wait who Who did you pick, I guess we should say now?

I picked Lucas. I picked Lucas, yeah. All right, all right. Fuck. So you eat your food directly off your plate. Are you mad? Are you regretting your pick? He will scream for no reason in the middle of the night.

He will break your things, then stand next to the wreckage like he is proud of it. He is not dangerous. He is, however, absolutely exhausting. You will not get a full night of sleep, ever. If you picked Lucas, he shows up at your door dripping soft pastel slime onto your floor. He does not speak. He just looks at you with those dark, hollow eyes. This is the first time I've ever seen that.

He will follow you from room to room, always a few steps behind. He will leave small, colorful slime handprints on your walls. Not to bother you, he just wants you to know he was there. He wants a friend. He has never had one. If you sit with him, even once, he will never forget it. Your floors will always be a mess. You will not mind.

Pick a partner to live with you. Yeah, at least you won't mind. Greg thing sounds like you might mind. I feel like I made the right choice. Yeah, I'm good with it. I don't know. I might just live a minimalist life and not give Greg anything to break. That's true.

Yeah. I mean, the slime thing would drive me fucking nuts. You will not mind. Yeah, apparently I wouldn't mind. Yeah. All right, should we do teach me something? I didn't even know that was AI. I just, that was the most recent thing Scott sent in my group chat.

So I just trusted him. Greg, son or Lucas daughter? Oh, Greg, son or Lucas daughter? Lucas daughter. Yeah. All right. Would you guys like to teach me something? Yes.

You know when you're walking your dog and it like poops and then when it's done, it like kicks the grass. Like it's like does the like. Yeah. You know, what the fuck are you doing? I think I know. Can I guess? Yeah.

It's like trying to cover its poop up with dirt. No, that's what I thought. Andrew? No, that's what I thought. Apparently, and we can fact check this if we want to, but it might be more fun to just believe me. Apparently, they have, let me see what I wrote down. This is what I wrote.

Dogs have scent glands in their paws, and that's why they kick after pooping. They're marking their territory. so their kick they kick and like scent gland all over the uh they like secrete all over the thing like mark their territory wait what do you mean apparently when they like kick like some like scent comes out of their scent glands is what i wrote what do you mean i wrote you keep saying i wrote here's what i wrote that's what i wrote down wherever i learned this i wrote it where did you learn it probably reels can you look this up do dogs have scent glands or why do dogs kick

after pooping dogs kick their feet after pooping primarily to mark their territory and communicate with other dogs dogs have specialized sweat glands in their paw pads that release unique pheromones dang the visible slashes and torn up grass they leave behind act as a visual billboard drawing the attention of other dogs passing through the area you gotta see birdie do it it's so funny you should hold the pose She'll, like, kick out behind her like a horse and then, like, be in, like, a Superman pose. That's funny. It's very funny.

Do you ever just teach me something? She's so sleepy all the time. Is she all the time or just on the pot? I think she just knows we're going to be here for a minute, so she just falls asleep. She's, like, dreaming because her eyes are open and they're, like, flickering back and forth. I don't know what you think she's dreaming about. I've got to teach you something. Hit me.

If you want to be 1% better, use less paper towels. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you get 1% better every day. all right should we do do i need a lawyer yes do do do do do do do i need a lawyer brought to you by morgan and morgan all right do i need a lawyer one of my best friends from growing up now has a girlfriend we're in our late 20s and it's his first girlfriend ever

here's the thing she sucks the entire friend group feels uncomfortable around her and avoids her at all costs the thing is i still want to hang out with my friend just not her the other day can you pause i need to catch up yes they're in their late 20s okay got it the other day me and my roommate were going to grab some beers on an outdoor patio and as we're walking by the patio my friend and his girlfriend are sitting out there enjoying drinks they see me my roommate ask us if we want to join them without even hesitating i replied to them that i was actually taking my roommate to the minute clinic because he has severe stomach pains we're obviously going out to drink they asked some follow-up questions but my roommate played the part and acted like

he was very sick and in pain we proceeded to walk down several blocks and go to a different bar do i need a lawyer you do not need a lawyer you might need you need you should be a lawyer yeah that was i'm a big fan of that i don't have the balls to do that i would just i'd sit my punk ass down and just i don't watch the cleveland show i sit my ass down and listen your friend is awesome for just a meet do you think he just immediately keeled over i'm getting another contraction wait that's amazing yeah no sorry mark has stomach pain and he was just like oh and they're like mark you're overdoing it yeah He swallowed a monkey

His monkey Big impression It's pretty good I just woke up one day And I can do that Yeah It's so good Yeah

I think you should be a lawyer New category Yep Should I be a lawyer? Yes Yes Alright That was new

And if you were gonna be a lawyer You should do it at Morgan & Morgan Yep It's America's largest law firm Bingo Willie, what's your favorite power move? My favorite power move is I walk into a restaurant and I immediately call the server over and I say,

I want you to treat me like a VIP. That's right. That is a real power move, just like how hiring Morgan & Morgan is a power move. Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 1,000 lawyers with over $30 billion recovered for over 500,000 clients. Morgan & Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. In Florida, Morgan & Morgan secured a $644 million verdict for a client after the defense argued that the victim and his wife should receive nothing. Now that's a power move.

dude 644 million dollars i could buy i could buy a horse buy a horse in california another client was recently awarded 15 million in a mid-trial settlement and a national another client got 10.6 million if you are injured by the negligence of another you deserve to be paid if you're ever injured you can check out morgan and morgan their fee is free unless they win for more information go to forthepeople.com slash playdate or dial pound law that's pound five two nine from your cell phone that's forthepeople.com slash playdate or pound law pound five two nine this is a paid advertisement let's get back into the episode can i do my black mirror episodes yeah you want me to team up and then you just do them all wait can you think of some on the spot do you think i could try

okay these are more black mirror episodes that don't exist there's this company of fitness instructors that can go and like take over your body and do the workout for you so that you can get fit without having to do any of the work but when one of the fitness instructors falls in love with the client's wife he refuses to get out of the body and lives that guy's life without telling the wife that he's actually the fitness instructor and the guy has to just sit in there and watch like severance kind of vibe yeah that's awesome when when and we just do that but just make that his first one yeah that's good that's good um a drug is invented to let people experience their past memories in vivid detail but when a user of the drug ods on it he is stuck in a memory longer

than he's supposed to be there the characters in the memory do not want him there and now all the people who love him are trying to kill him to get out get him out of this memory wow these are awesome are they really yeah let's go the um um and then you just criminals are sentenced to be trapped in paintings if their crime was bad enough when a man is framed for murder no pun intended he is put into a painting that is sold to a flea market uh and then ends up in his wife's house where he's forced to watch her slowly fall in love with a new man and start a life from the painting that he's trapped in okay that's good all right ready this one i'll be oh actually okay i have one where and then just all right should we do

country songs oh you don't have oh then just ends yeah these are more country songs that don't exist grasshopper it's about dating a girl but when you run out of weed she just goes finds another guy who has weed and she's a grasshopper i like that spurs of the moment this is about a cowboy who falls in love with another a cowgirl if you will uh and he he just got caught up in the spurs of the moment love it stable relationship it is about a cowboy who he always has these toxic girlfriends but he's like my only stable relationship is my stable relationship with his horse because his horse is never like a crazy bitch yep that's awesome and he's banging his horse and he's yeah the horse is banging warm beer it's about a cowboy uh singing about a guy

he hates and he's like i hope you're always drinking warm beer i like and you're with cold women and have a tiny little truck that you live in love it bad not bad can't pay bail with hay it's about a farmer who is always making he's making hay bales all day and then he gets arrested yeah and he's talking about how he can't pay bail he can make a hay bale but he can't pay bail with Hey, that's awesome. Thank you. I love that a lot. All right.

We love you guys. We will see you. What day is this coming out on Andrew? Monday. Monday. Guys have a great Monday. We will see you on Wednesday. One thing I would like to say, we're going to, we're going to be on the road for the

next couple of weeks filming a bunch of stuff in the Midwest. And so we're going to be doing pods out of our hotel rooms in various cities in the Midwest. So this will be the last time you see Andrew for a little bit. Yeah. For a couple of weeks. Two weeks. Yeah. and the last time you see this beautiful studio.

So soak it in, but we won't miss a pod. Andrew is nervous about the mechanics of us figuring this out on the road, but I have promised him that we got it. So wish us luck, and hope to see some of you guys in the Midwest. Love you. Peace out, players. Peace out, players. Thank you.