Will & Rusty's Playdate - The Crickets' Choice Awards

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Will and Rusty announce the hottest new award shows of 2024, pitch each other business ideas, and bond over their favorite pirates that don’t exist. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod (00:00) Intro (00:11) Storytime (06:13) Fake Service Dogs (10:23) Sending Things Back at a Restaurant (15:48) Pitch Submissions (17:09) Personality Hires (27:15) Spotify Wrapped for Alcohol (29:37) Pitches (40:00) Award Shows that Don’t Exist (47:45) Pirates that Don’t Exist (54:25) January Highlights Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

all right episode 21 lauren wanted us to say what's nine plus ten which is just like come on dude lauren it's 2025 oh do you guys want to hear what happened to me yesterday funny yeah i want to hear what happened to you yesterday i was um flying back from boston and i was taking like the night flight so like took off at like 6 p.m eastern get back here like nine usually a pretty casual flight everyone's like quiet whatever and i'm the first for the record 19a i don't know if i've told you this 19a on delta flights is the greatest seat of all time because it's a window but there's no one in front of you you're the first person off the plane and the stewardess is facing you not the stewardess the flight attendant is facing you so anytime you want

a drink because their jump seat is like literally just like five feet away from you but facing you so you can just ask them for more drinks. It's free drinks and usually a great time. So I pick my normal seat, 19 and A, and I get on. And typically my move is the second that the plane starts taking off, I recline my seat because that's, like, when you're allowed to do it, whatever. I think you have to hit 10,000 feet. Oh, okay.

Well, whatever. We're now technically airborne, so I put it back. Yeah. and i hear like an audible like loud as loud as i'm talking right now like are you fucking joking like right as i did that i was like that must be that must just be weird timing she must have been saying it yeah the person sitting next to them starts just kicking my seat like super hard like like not trying to be casual just like literally like shaking my seat to say to say like i'm an asshole for putting my seat back keep in mind we're in the extra leg room seats she has so much

space like there's no there's no there's just there's no way what what is the describe this woman to me uh i didn't hear i didn't see her when i got on the plane but clearly a woman's voice like not a children's voice and after like three minutes i'm like do i turn around and be like are you nine years old yeah but then i start questioning i go am i am i an asshole for for putting my seat back i'd never thought about it until now i thought everyone puts their seat back i've never had anyone complain that's not like a child like i've had some people put their seat back and i'm like ah bummer but i'm not like i would never hold that against them no option we all have you're also doing it so not necessarily i know but they give you the option so why would

that ever be a bad thing to do i could see the only time i could see it being a problem is if they're in the seat that is the last seat in the plane and they are not able to recline and i would be like okay maybe i'm but even then it's like a hey would you do me a favor not recline like there's no like literally like you're never an asshole for doing that i don't i didn't look at her so you still don't know what she looks like no no i saw her after the flight i'll get i'll get okay sorry tell you some stuff about that ever she was either shaking it with both like a lot of either with both of her hands or she had her feet up and you weren't punching no i had my headphones on i just pretended i was asleep and um oh my god we to make matters worse when i got on there was

no overhead space for some reason because i was the last guy to like one of the last people to get on in comfort and so i had to go back to like the back of the plane and put my bag up so the whole flight i'm stressing like what how do i even get back there do i have to wait for everyone to get off the plane i was like fucking i'm just gonna get up and do it the second the thing goes off i like kind of hustle back there and she i see her she had a giant this is makes it a little bit worse she had a giant service dog so that was probably why she was like is this guy fucking joking because her dog was sitting in like at her feet and i kind of like went back on the dog but still if you have a giant service i'll get it a fucking get a seat whatever you didn't know now

on my way back her boyfriend or whoever was sitting next to her his bag is also back there but he wasn't as proactive so he's fighting the current as i'm getting up and i was trying to get back to the front because in my head it was like well that's my seat so like i'm not cutting whatever i was being cut now that i'm saying a lot i was being kind of a prick but he i'm the only thing standing in the way of him and his bag and he's just death glaring me the entire time and i kept being like i'm sorry and after like 30 seconds of like us doing a shuffle he just uh just grabbed my shirt and just got over the seat and like went and like fought his way through people and got got the bag but the that whole row behind me must think that i'm like the the the spawn of satan

grab your shirt yeah and like put his leg over the seat and like jump wait wait here's the only thing that i think you did that was in the wrong if you went back and got your suitcase you don't then have to the right yeah jump on everyone i know you were like going past no no they're just they hadn't gotten out of their seats yet because the door wasn't open yet so it was like i was just making my way up there oh okay maybe he was the only thing standing in my way no i think that's fair because what if you left something at your seats like no one knows i was also it was just like a crowded aisle and in my head it was like adding a fifth or adding a seventh person into this row when people are trying to get their bags it's like making it harder on these people who

trying to get i was just trying to get out of everyone's way i agree but it looked like i was i don't think yeah oh it looked like you were yeah it looked like i was that guy who has never been on a plane before they probably saw you go back they did no one he was the only person that was upset about it got it and then wouldn't he have recognized you from the he did he just i think he's thinking what you were thinking where it was like all right you've got your bag chill there but i don't know you would have had to get he would have had to get around you either way either way yeah it was a nightmare and then i saw her get off the plane and she was like doing that thing we're like we're all kind of moving with the flow of traffic like let's let's not like

sprint around people she's like cutting people off with her dog and i was not a fan of this woman yeah i don't think i don't think you really did anything wrong i think that the dog on a plane thing's a little crazy to me unless it's like a little dog do you ever see do you ever see people this is gonna sound horrible do you ever see people where you're just like that's not a service dog yeah like all the time we used to work in restaurants and people would come in and be like you can't have that dog here like we we only allow service animals and be like okay it's a service animal yeah and then like we were like are you seriously gonna fucking do this like why come on uh i i think i told this one i'm anti i'm not anti-dog but i'm anti like making

your dog other people's problems well making acting like your dog has the rights of a human exactly it's insane my dog doesn't come on vacation because it's a dog yeah it stays at home with the yeah well you did bring one to work last podcast oh yeah that's true but it was a hit in the comments it was a hit in the comments um similar situation i think i told this already but did i ever tell you about that woman who was trying to bring her like in quotes clearly not a service dog like not trained giant labrador and she was she was trying to have it lay down in the exit row where like there's no seat and like yeah they just can't be there so she swapped seats with someone this she had convinced this guy to swap seats with her and so that she could

be in the x row so that her dog could fit and the flight attendant was like hey like the faa says like you we just can't let you do that and she like refused to believe the flight attendant so like the captain had to come out of the cockpit and be like man like go sit down in your seat People with those fake service dogs are very entitled, and it makes me mad. I agree. I agree. It's also like, if it is a service dog, I'm fine. I've absolutely no problem with it.

It's when your dog's humping shit and so clearly not a trained service dog. You just slap that vest on him. If I asked you for one piece of paperwork, you'd freeze. Maybe humping shit is the service. Yeah. Oh, my God. There is I saw

I haven't started it yet But new season of Love on the Spectrum Came out Okay And there's a clip Where they These two

People Who are on a date Both bring their dogs And His dog starts Humping her dog And like You know like

It's an awkward Thing for Someone who's not Doesn't have autism But this guy was just like Profusely apologizing Like Like making a big

Scene out of it I'm very excited to watch it We're gonna fire it up tonight Great show You and me? now me and my friend ty you can come if you want nope nope nope i'm out i'm out i gotta do we gotta do that more look down the barrel of the camera let me say like a cool i never look at the camera like jim from the office whenever he says willie did you have to uh walk in the rain today to work

i had a bike i bought a bike last week last thursday i went to the bike store and i bought a new bicycle it's got the colors of a rocket pop i'll insert a photo yeah insert a photo right here actually maybe not because now everyone's gonna buy it everyone's gonna copy you everyone's gonna buy it because no it's like a local venice bike shop like it'd be pretty hard only people who live here could buy it put a picture put a picture we make more work for a long like i put a picture of me and will photoshopped riding it picture of a horse here now and yeah anyway i got a bike and so i biked to work today in the pouring rain and i got soaked but it was honestly it's there's something like kind of nice about the rain here because it never rains my favorite thing in the

main character moment yeah i literally felt like i was yeah i was listening to tunes it was good yeah it's fun very fun very fun the lady at the coffee shop i told will this already but the lady at the coffee shop last time i ordered put a heart on my coffee and then this on my tea i didn't tell you this is mine i told emily marcus oh your headphones are you were in the room and uh usually not usually she did it one time she put a heart on it and then this morning i ordered same name no heart hmm shit we should we should it's kind of we should call that coffee shop and get her fired yeah that's a new part of the part of this show we call prank calls prank places to get call places to get people fired oh and everyone can submit everyone can yeah like times they've

been wronged yeah can you uh have you ever sent something back send something back what do you mean at a restaurant oh um no not really no lauren i'm trying to think um no i don't think sent something back but been like maybe they forgot something yeah for a while i don't know i was waiting uh i went to dinner with uh my friends in boston on uh saturday and i got there before them you you know how you know how girls are always doing their makeup so they were like 15 minutes late because they're probably shopping too probably shopping and like talking boys and um gossiping the guy it's a mexican restaurant so pretty standard stuff for them to like bring chips and salsa so i just thought he was bringing it like that's what they do and i but it was like

a pretty elaborate like lots of different it wasn't just your state it wasn't it wasn't like a three dip combo exactly there was like no it was like it was like verde there was like some sort of chickpea thing and then like a just a traditional salsa and i've kind of made a mental note being like this was a little more elevated than just like the normal chips and salsa that they bring and right sitting right next to me is a is like another group of girls who their whole party's there they've clearly like been ordering stuff and the waiter came over as i'm like stuffing my face with their chips uh came over to their table and was like hey there was a little snafu with the chips and salsa we'll go did you hear it and i i was like i'm like chewing so like

they're like the loudest chips and we're like kind of the only people in this section of the restaurant it was like an it was like an upper deck and it was just so clear that they brought me their chips one girl looked over and just started laughing we made like a fun moment of it but if there was a second i was like oh this is so bad did you clear up the fact that you just assumed it was free i know i didn't say anything and they didn't say anything to me and they didn't charge you no and i think that they thought that i was being like stood up because i kept ordering more like the girls were texting me being like order this stuff got it and so i'm like there are four placemats yeah and i'm like i'm like i'll have a pitcher of margarita and they're like

and and i'll be like in four glasses and then i'll and then i'll have a pineapple margarita the guy was like dude i'd been at the table i'd been at the bar i had been at the table for 20 minutes yeah and like no sign of anyone coming and i i think they like started to feel bad and then the girl showed up and they were like oh okay that's good great news the federal ev rebate is back eligible customers get up to five thousand dollars with the federal evap rebate on select 2027 volt and 2026 equinox ev models visit your local chevrolet dealer today for more details yeah i had an experience on friday i went to i was meeting my buddy brett at the bar brett the lorax brett the lorax legend um it was like this kind of western themed bar

and i got there my phone died in the uber there always a good time yeah so i get there and i'm sitting there and there's no tvs at the bar my phone's dead and i just i didn't i like i like didn't know what to do i just stared straight ahead for i'm like what do you do i know like i would read the menu i i did that i literally i read the whole menu like twice i was like looking at the different kinds of like bottles of alcohol and like the shelf like nice stony gray goose yeah was there anyone around you yeah i mean but they were like all like in their own little cruise like i i looked like i was like i feel like i look like a freak right now and i also was like did i get the i never went to this bar before so did i go to the wrong place you

started questioning if brett's even coming if he's like yeah exactly i was like how long would i sit here before it's kind of sad that we can't exist i know i was like embarrassed by the fact that i was so i hated it so much your phone dying when you're waiting for someone and like they're the only thing that can save you is the most you just feel help the bartenders kept looking at me he's like what what's this guy's deal i remember they probably weren't thinking about me at all it was all in my head i was like the last one leaving school for some reason like i had to stay back and like do something at college no in like high school and my sister it was before i had my license and i texted my phone was at like one percent like i think the only other person in

the high school was like the janitor and i just fired off like a hail mary text being like hey i'm done um my phone's gonna die can you come pick me up and i went just sat on the front steps and i was just like i don't i'm not even sure that that text went through and i sat there for like 30 minutes and then i saw my sister's headlights pull in it was one of those like yeah yeah i was like i might have to sleep here i don't know what can i walk home uh i didn't live that close to this walking license either yeah um yeah i mean in theory i think i've walked that far before but it was like i'm trying to think about there was route 77 ran through my town it was just like too busy of a road to be like like if i was walking down

it like i would see so many people that i know and i would look weird for walking home yeah walking is kind of what's wrong with looking weird uh what's wrong with looking weird the kids that everyone hates it that's so subjective the kids that walked in my town walked around were always like up to no good yeah you know what i mean it's like why are you why are you like drifting through this part of town i guess floating um okay i'm really excited about this we got our first ever some kid added me on linkedin he found my personal linkedin and dm'd me and said is this where i should submit pitches and i said this is exactly where and i haven't ready yet but i took a screenshot and i sent it to lauren nice should we get into some some friend

of the pod submissions let's do fops all right i will i will say just to preface the screenshot that i sent lauren is i i don't know how long pitches normally look it in my mind is one of the longest pitches i've ever seen um we've had some very long ones i've read some long ones this one's like fine okay so samuel wallace samuel wallace yeah i really applaud the effort for sending him a message on linkedin that's okay yeah and it's like your person like a name that your your secret name secret name yeah on linkedin i'm a professional basketball player and i lauren i posted my first post on linkedin this uh weekend and it has 6100 impressions wow yeah i'll have to we'll have to send a connection he announced that he signed with the lakers yeah

i said i'm a small ford i'm announcing that i'm taking the position of small ford at the los angeles lakers i'm a two-way forward that can clean the glass and i bang down low love it okay samuel wallace so he says so it's a job website like indeed slash linkedin but instead of you posting your technical skills certifications college degree work experience etc it's more for companies that are looking to hire chillers and personality hires so for example your profile would say randomly bring bagels to work from this place next to my house always gassing up the fellas in front of the female co-workers appropriately of course thank you for that we'll cover for you when you fuck up an excel sheet and the boss man gets pissed and so on

essentially i just feel like companies are too focused on hiring people based on how good they are at excel and they need to focus on sourcing some good stoke inducing individuals i've been called a personality hire my whole life and i'm damn proud of it time for google to notice my capabilities hell yeah i like that a lot i like that a lot as well i don't like that people are just boxing my boy in as a personality hire i think that that's a backhanded compliment i kind of agree with that uh yeah i mean i think we are both objectively personality like this company is not like yeah i think everyone at this company that doesn't work at uh like a i think you have to be we're literally like we are hired for our person anyone okay here's how you distinguish

whether someone's a personality hire here or a technical hire if they have a desktop they have some skill yeah they have some technical ability if they have a laptop their personality hire. I would disagree with that. Sounds like a skill hire. She's thrown some shots at the ladies. Well, no, I think I'm both. She's thrown shots at the ladies downstairs.

Yeah. No. Lauren just threw an absolute haymaker at Emily. No, I think she's doing the opposite. You took a shot at them. You're throwing a haymaker at them. Yeah. You guys can also have good personalities.

I'm just saying that the desktop implies that you were hired initially for your skill. Yeah, so you're the one throwing haymakers at those girls that don't have desktops. Okay. No, I was saying that they have good personalities. I also just didn't even take them into account. I just assumed they had desktops until she said that. Well, long story short—

Do you mean a physical desktop or a desktop computer? Like, long story short, I think I have my skills, and I'm a personality hider. I— yeah. Well, Edge— You want the best of both worlds. If you want to talk about me for a second. Edge went through— Edge is not a personality hider.

Edge went through, I was going to say, Edge went through a phase where he was just hiring, like, chill people. What? Like, uh, let's not get into it, actually. Yeah, nobody knows who we're talking about. Okay, when we hired Krendle, that was a clear personality hire. Yep. Krempert was a mistake.

Yeah. We might as well be saying these names because they don't know our staff here. But here's what I will say. i love this idea i think that um yeah i think maybe i mean i don't know if you need a whole website maybe it's like a filter on indeed where it's just like like you can prioritize people who have assets other than like you know technical skills i don't think it's bad i think if you're a personality hire you and you know your personality it's an important role in the office how do we how do we you know filter out the people that think that they are chiller than

they are well they yeah i mean you need you need like you need people to you vouch for you i think you need like to submit like a tape of you like i was yeah doing something cool i was just gonna say that well can't you have people on linkedin for your skills that like all like endorse like endorse that harper harper is good at spss i've never gotten an endorsement i'm kind of bummed really yeah but like i know i should oh i don't know if i have i don't really want to you want to give me and i'll endorse you i'll endorse you yeah well i'll say she's a great personality personally personally i'm actually going to report lauren's linkedin because i don't want you to leave ever true i don't want yes i don't want you to have the ability to yes we're gonna

actually yeah we're gonna get you we're gonna report all your social media and i'm gonna start writing like horrible things about you on the chat i'm gonna email any other job that you could possibly get after this and tell them in advance that you said something really really really effed up really effed up effed up i'm serious yikes like we're gonna ruin every other prospect so you can't leave my life would be over we're gonna put the word out in the podcast community which we're very active in that you are stinking oh okay just to yeah reverse psychiatry actually lauren no we shouldn't be telling you this we should we should say never mind we're not doing any of that we should say we should say lauren hey lauren when you we you should start just putting feelers out

there so you can use it leverage for your next contract negotiation and then when she puts us down as references we just trash oh yeah you know what we won't do any trashing just you should put feelers out there's you you are so talented and we're we are holding you back so just put us as well no no no no we want we what we want i'm saying go apply places and put us as references yes but we're not doing it we're doing it so that she can get a a higher contract here because then once she has job offers from other companies she can come back to us we're doing it for and say rusty rusty stop paying us more we're doing it for what rusty's saying and yep okay let's hear the second hypothetical situation okay well thank you it's all a joke

okay samuel thank you that was awesome love the great effort on that part okay our next one is from becca bender wow i'm sorry i think that's like a one of the og friday beers characters like dually the late night special that's a sick name okay she says hey sharks hi becca hey dolphin here's a pitch for you playlists for streaming services on Netflix, Disney+, Hulu, etc you'll be able to put your favorite

episodes of TV shows into one playlist that you can shuffle or autoplay and avoid the episodes you don't like for example, you can put all the Christmas episodes of your favorite shows and binge during the holidays instead of having to look them up and search for them individually you can make a playlist of the most hilarious episodes

for days when you're feeling down what do you think? it's awesome i think becca bender cooked on this one i think that i agree with you will and i think what would be fun is if you we even take it a step further right so we sell we sell becca's code to like hulu right we'll sell the code and and it'll basically it'll you can you can type in a common theme so you're like i want episodes from these four tv shows but i only want episodes about love and it'll just be a uh a best of the best love episodes i like that it's all they're all it's all like combined so it's all streaming services spotify apple music it's all

you can make like a playlist that's like it's like a song and then a episode of the office and then glorious bastards nightmare nightmare person to have on ox it's an entire episode of entourage it's like yeah exactly um hulu does this thing now that's really cool where it's only on certain shows i saw it on like one tree hill they do it where you can it's playlist within the show so it'll be like the best of peyton and lucas and it'll be like only episodes that kind of follow them oh that's sick i saw you know how like now on the like sometimes on streaming services they'll have like little like if you pause it it says like who's on who's on the thing uh god i don't i didn't bring my phone but i had i took a hysterical picture of one it was like toothbrush user or

something oh yeah it was like like they whatever mailman number seven yeah yeah but no i literally was like something about brushing his teeth i don't know i'll find it we'll put it right here did you see that video of that kid cut out for you this week this british kid is getting in the car with his mom and the christmas pageant is coming up and he's like very excited he's like i got a classic role i got a classic role in the pageant this year and she's like she's like oh really a classic role and he's like yeah and she's like are you playing joseph and he's like no are you one of the kings and she he's like no it's a no it's a classic role and she like lists all the characters in the christmas pageant and he's like i'm door i'm door holder number three i get to open the

doors for people and uh he's yeah he's like ecstatic yeah yeah it's so cute horrible okay well now i need to go watch that yeah we'll put that right here put that whole video right here this episode is going to get an award for most um graphics on the screen i don't think lauren even knows that we switched from one of the drafts no it ties into that yeah ties into awards and uh all right wonderful thank you becca bender last great name love that name i'm obsessed okay our last pitch is from faded jeff faded jeff faded jeff also one of the og friday beers i think faded jeff used to sell me weed yeah this is a youtube comment and i'm sorry a lot of you guys are like where should i submit pitches literally like send them to our dms on youtube

comments like you can send them to my personal instagram like i'll probably actually i shouldn't say that the only place the only place there's just so many sometimes so it's hard to like see all them i had a barber once he went by darth fader there we go that's awesome sorry i i will say one of the one of the places you should you should send them to like the accounts that lauren runs because i get scared to open them and then i'll see them and i won't be able to hear them live yeah yeah if you send them to our personals then it ruins it yeah okay anyway just ruined it won't christmas okay these shoes are falling apart okay faded jeff he says i have a pitch it's like spotify wrapped for drinking at the end of the year it shows your top five alcoholic

beverages consumed with specific numbers it might look like 1000 natural lights 500 fireball shots 100 old english 40 making me so sad except wait let me finish sorry it also shows it's just a tuesday for you it also shows your top five types of alcohol consumed which might look like 2 000 light beers right a thousand shots of whiskey 200 ipas etc other what with other fun stats thrown in i like can't mine would mine would just make me bummed exactly what you said i wasn't thinking about how sad it would make me until you tell me no no no it would be like oh fuck here's here's how awful here's how we elevate it and we make it fun again not that it wasn't fun already but you know when you're swiping through your spotify wrapped and it has the stats and then it'll do

like a fun graphic yeah it'll it'll just play back only times where where everyone was enjoying your presence like during these drinks so it'll be like right after you made a great joke it shows like a visual well i'm thinking like i guess like spotify doesn't tell you like how many times you listen to each song in your top five i think it does your i think your top your actual first song okay well you could get the data without having to know the number of times like i would be curious to know what my top five drinks were what do you think they'd be um like bud budweiser you love budweiser it's crazy yeah i mine would be er i think my top top two would be i don't know in what order but screwdriver and muscat mule yeah i have another fun way to elevate this you know

how spotify rap does like it will give you the city of where you have people that so you could do um it'll show you like this city where you had what bar out of drinks yeah like oh the bars would be fun yeah the map it could also tell you with yeah that'd be fun it could also tell you like where in the world similar to how spotify does it where in the world are your drinking habits most similar to yeah so it'd be like people in madison wisconsin mine would be like yeah prescott prescott isle main um all right fantastic should we pitch each other yeah well i've got some heat today sweet i love doing these pitches all right i've got two my first one is called varst it's var for police encounters do you know what var is no it's video assisted review or something

it's like in soccer games and like tennis and like i should know yeah yeah yeah so basically after like if like you get pulled over or something or you're like involved in some sort of crime you can demand like throw a challenge yeah you can like throw yeah like everyone gets one like in their sock like you throw it and then the cop has to like like another cop comes out with like a screen and you like huddle in the thing like call call new york yeah yeah they have to call and uh yeah they they watch like the body cam footage i guess or they watch like drone footage of a yeah and uh you can um i like kind of inspired but i had an idea for the third base cop it's like you know how like if like they can't

tell if a guy check swung or not they send it down to third base so it's like if you like if you drove like ran a red light but then you reverse back over and it's like did he go or not and you look you point over and they have like a cop it's like i like that get arrested i got uh i got a ticket one time and in the ticket they sent a link to the incident and had like a photo no it had a video from the from the stoplight because it was just it was like i i did i did what i call a california roll stop which is when you're like slow down enough there's clearly no one coming so you just bang it right on red oh that's a that's a lot or technically you have to stop and i just in my head i was going one mile an hour and you my dad sends me the link and i'm going legitimately 25

just like people around this corner and uh it's so clearly like me driving too like you couldn't you couldn't like make the argument that it was someone else driving in arrested development they like he holds up the yeah yeah exactly cover so yeah um okay i got similar to yours i have the anti-ticket car so now this i like it's it's basically it's so sleek and slippery that there's just like not really a good place for like the cops to like put your ticket like and like they can't tape it on it's like kind of teflon whatever and and then like if they somehow like could get it under the windshield wipers it does that thing that like that banksy painting did where it just like shreds the ticket

and like they just get so tired of trying to like find a place to put it that they're just like I'll let them park here I love that that's a great that's a good one I like the idea that that would prevent it like they don't scan your license plate no your license plate like it's like that James Bond thing

where like if it senses a cop it just like alright I've got Uber Comfort Plus uber comfort yep uber comfort where you can set like preferences for the ride so uber comfort plus is like you pick out you can like save these settings too and it's like it's your song and or playlist for the whole ride fire you give you can put like a killer line for the guy to open up with so it'll be like what's shaking tonight playboys or something like yeah like all your friends will be like what the and then or i'll be like will it be yeah like how we how we live in

or like uh or you can like provide information about your life so that he like knows what to ask about you could also put uh you ever argue with your buddy about something and like everyone in the group everyone in the group is trying to tell him that like he's wrong you could have the uber driver bring it up and be like if you guys ever think about how like velcro shoes aren't that cool and we'd all be like told you yep yep you could bingo um yeah you basically have like a lot of power over you like you can make him wear a fun hat uh they they have like they all have like the balloon animal stuff so you can have like him prepare some of those yeah or like the you know you can like make like a a hat or like a i like that you could put in what genre of music you can

put in specific requests because right now on uber you can do it lets you do temperature bags conversation and like music level yeah but i've never i've never thought about what i would want to listen to the uber i got in last night was sick so what is that it's just i didn't realize how cool uh because you know at lax i was home late enough that i was just like it makes sense to just buy a black so that it can come directly to the thing you don't have to take the shuttle because regular ubers have to go like a mile away oh those ones can come right up to the black and come right up to the thing and it's like it was like 100 bucks but i got in and he had like the new s-class mercedes which also if you have one of those cars how did you afford that if you're

an uber driver it doesn't make any sense to me semantics i got in and it was the coolest like backseat that i've ever been a part of that's very cool yeah well also how why do they how do they get these people with these nice cars to to drive uber well i know that uber was like paying for teslas like yeah yeah i i was like talking to some guy about it last year like someone who was driving me and he was like yeah they they will like give you money towards a car if it's your full-time thing and if you've been doing it for a certain amount of time i don't know i love it i mean if the rides are 100 bucks you probably make a bank yeah if you all right um it's my turn yeah all right my next one is like it's merch for everyday things so you you connect your contacts

to it it like knows everything about all your friends so i could buy like a sick willie d shirt that like but like your friend doesn't make his own merch so i would have like willie d and it would have a cool design that they have someone make or like maybe the bar that you like doesn't have cool t-shirts but you want to rep that you like that bar yeah they have like sweet shirts i I just think it'd be funny to just have like a Lauren shirt. 100%. And it's just like pimped out Lauren merch. When I was in high school, I was on a ski trip with my buddies

and we stopped on the way up in Radford, Virginia. Yep. It's like a little small town. We went to this place called Deli Mart because we thought that they were going to have like sandwiches and it turned out to be just like a convenience store. Yeah. And we like took a picture outside of it.

I don't know. It became like a running joke in our friend group. so when we got back we ordered all custom t-shirts that had the logo of like i replicated it on like microsoft paint made shirts it said deli mart with their like their exact logo on the front same colors and on the back it said like in quotes more mart than deli because it was like just yeah and and we would wear them around and we were always like it would be so funny if one day we pulled up to deli mart all in the you have to next time you go i still have like some of the shirts yeah they didn't sell well i lost like a hundred dollars

on them. Insert photo. Yeah. Yeah, insert our deli mark. I'm definitely going to. I'm going to want to see this. Yeah, yeah. It was very funny. I ran the I ran the shirts for like our super fan thing in high school and I remember just making them on like custom ink and thinking they were so

sick and then going back and looking at them. Like they're cool but it was like I wasn't as creative as I thought I was being. They weren't, yeah. I started the taco dodgeball club in high school and we made shirts of those that were pretty sick logos. Half taco off dodgeball what did that entail we we just were like wanted to like make a new club um and we got

like a teacher to sign off on it we just ever gathered we had like 40 people after school we just bought a ton of taco bell and played dodgeball who was funding this fun the school uh my buddy jack nisi i sent him to taco bell and i told him we'd pay him back and then this was a one-time thing we did we had one other meeting that kind of didn't really it was really a one-time thing yeah and it was jack nisi if you're listening i'm sorry i don't think i ever paid you back for that as the president i feel like that falls on you 100 i like didn't have money like it was like i had like no money and i was like all right you get them i got you back like i was like it was like one of those like apps where it's like all right we build the user base then we'll figure

out how this is profitable that's funny yeah all right i got my last one is the full service toaster i was making a bagel cream cheese this morning and i was just thinking it's like i gotta toast the bagel i take the bagel out i gotta get the cream cheese out i gotta spread it on the bagel it's like too many steps this bagel you pre-load all the cream cheese in it was like a syringe no it's in like a compartment of the toast yeah and then it has a spreader too so it toasts the bagel the perfect amount and then it goes and it pops it right out and it's already got the cream cheese on it love it sounds like a nightmare to wash but now it's self-cleaning cool um all right my last one is really dumb it's called the little secretary and you just get like a little guy that

follows you around and like he it's just like been like five different what they all come from the same like it's a little guy that does x have i done that before i didn't want someone else did one yeah maybe not you okay the little secretary is he's like a a dwarf that follows you around and um actually i don't know if he's i think the the whole point is he like fits in your pocket yeah um and he's taking notes on like the most important things of your day so when you're like what was that song we were just thinking about and like he knows or it's like do i have dinner do someone tonight he's like yeah you can just hear him from your pocket he's like yeah you do your mom is coming over for pasta or it'll be like what was i what was i gonna tell will

i kind of mailed it in with that pitch but no i like it no i like it i like it all right we've got some very fun drafts today we have will do you want to start with more pirates that don't exist or no the other one a new one award shows that don't exist all right yes well yeah it's award season what are some of your favorite award shows oh god well i personally am a big fan of the clammies yep uh they have you know all sorts of awards kind of centered towards people's clammy hands i'm a big you know the the one particular award i have my eye on this year is largest transfer which is given to the person who has a such a clammy hand that they transfer the clamminess on to the other hand during a dap up yep and so basically they have some of the

clamiest hands all dap up people with really dry hands and then they measure the dry hands afterwards to see how much was transferred. I think they asked me

if I could be the dry hand. I have some of the driest hands. I think I would be the opposite. I think I might get nominated for a clammy

this year. Nice. I'm not proud of it but. Sometimes I could. Yeah but you probably knowing you. No sometimes they're

like really clammy. But I won't go into detail. No. Go. Keep talking. No, that's all I got. Go into detail.

Go into detail. That's all I got. More. But one of my friends has, like, extremely clammy hands, so he always makes me feel better. There are kids that, like, did you ever have those kids at your high school that had to start, like, taking medication because their, like, hands were too sweaty all the time? Well, yeah. No, one of my best friends from college actually had some sweat.

Those are PEDs. Yeah. And the clammies. You can't use them. I really like the coolest teens award. Oh, yeah. They grabbed the sickest teens from around the world, and some of the awards include Sickest House Party, Loudest Car, Baggiest Jeans. I think this year it's in Burbank, which is going to be pretty cool.

Burbank will be cool. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, you know what? That reminds me of one of my favorite award shows. What? The Cricket's Choice Award, Loudest Chirp.

They have the long jump, the cell phone carrier of the year, which has been a bloodbath lately. It's usually just cricket. Yeah, it's almost exclusively cricket. Verizon did win in 2015, though. That's strange. Yeah. But that's the Cricket's Choice Award, which I love. That kind of reminds me of Eric's Choice Awards.

uh each each each each year a random eric is selected and it's completely subjective to his opinion so um it ranges from you know um things as serious as like best leading actor in a film best rap album um best food that eric had that year and like best high five eric received Like, it's just, it's whatever Eric wants that year, and it's completely his choice. It was, because Best Food was KCD of the Day before Thanksgiving last year, right? Yes, it was. Yeah, I remember that. I love those.

Yep. Okay, I've got the TBAs, which are an award show for things that haven't been announced yet. So they have Best Future Picture, which is an award that speculates what the best movie that hasn't been announced yet will be. They have the Lifetime Achievement Award, which is given to a baby based on his prospects of achieving a lot in his lifetime. I like that. So those are the TBAs, which are fun. I got the Slammys. um it's it's an award show for stunt doubles right that biggest biggest fall biggest stunt

longest scene on fire uh closest to death during a scene they're they're very underappreciated part of the film industry and i'm glad that they're finally getting some recognition there's like a non-zero chance that that exists and we like maybe it's not called the slammy's but there has to be some some sort of recognition yeah what if there's like a community of like stunt stunt doubles i would there is um my boyfriend like one of his best friends he's like fully in that world and like he does stunts all the time for like big movies that's sick we'll hit two of his friends actually wow yeah what about him no not him this is how we find out he's like the guy in batman no all right what do you got will it what i don't know you guys looked at me like

i was an idiot no i just i don't know continue okay uh i love the paleolithic prize which is awarded yearly um they have best tool um coolest grunt it's a it's a it's the best person from the paleolithic oh sorry i should be clear yeah they haven't awarded this in 10 000 years right but it was a hit it was a hit yeah um this one's just fun i i like the best life awards it's just the coolest people in the world who are like uh living fantastic lives awards include you know hottest partner um most time spent hanging um and best vacation taken and we just kind of applaud these people who have figured out life wait what's this one called The Best Life Awards.

That's kind of stupid. I like it. The BLAs. No, that one's stupid. Mine are... This next one is so much not stupider. It's so much cooler. Yours are stupid.

Mine's going to be super normal and real. Okay, the Steamies. They give out awards like Softest Broccoli or Hottest Shower. Basically anything in the steam realm. yes uh least visibility in asana yeah um i like that i got the mommies um it's what are we doing man i i just don't think that moms get enough recognition and each year each year the best moms from across the country are brought

to one place for the mommies uh awards include best casserole uh swoopiest hair like this um most lunches packed yeah uh most crusts cut off oh i feel like i'm kind of boxing moms into state just stay-at-home moms but most hardest most uh most jobs mom most big corporate jobs most yeah most most most C-suite jobs

most biggest lawyer is just the biggest mom that also practices law um alright that was

that was so fucking sexist that that was award shows that don't exist that was insane that he would say that on a family podcast

okay I just like that was a lot the ones that the ones that The ones that, like, I was convinced were not going to get any reaction out of Lauren were the only ones that got one. Yeah, I don't know.

She was, like, losing her mind. She lost it at the Best Life Awards, which is, like... No, no, I... The mommies? The mommies. Okay. Should we do the... Will.

What about the daddies? Should we just hit... What? What are the daddies? Do those exist? I mean... You're looking at them. Yeah.

All right. Will. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we should do pirates that don't exist. Yeah, you start this one. All right. We're going to be drafting pirates that don't exist.

Yep. I've got Captain Mike Aptin. So it's like, oh, Captain Mike Aptin. Nice. But it's Mike, like M-I-K-E-A-P-T-I-N. I like it. Oh, Captain Mike Aptin. I got Ernest Silversword, looter of knickknacks.

knickknacks he uh is just like really focused on like during raids yeah like he's easily distracted by like trinkets and knickknacks and like yeah and like kind of loses sight of the greater goal which is you know the booty like the the gold coins and stuff but he'll find like a clicky pen or something this is fun i like that a lot i've got old francis fingernails there we go he's got those crazy long fingernails like from like the Ripley's Believe It or Not books

yeah but and you can always hear him coming because he does like are the mics picking this up or they can like hear

they can hear him like dragging on the floor on the deck of the ship at night yeah they're super long yeah I got Barnacle Blade

he's constantly like dropping his sword in the water and like he just doesn't really take very good care of his sword and it's just like riddled with barnacles now

but it ended up kind of being part of his image now because if you get slashed with a normal sword, you can kind of recover from that. If you get slashed from a sword with a bunch of barnacles on it, the infection is just way harder to deal with. It's exponentially harder, yeah. I mean, it's honestly something

that I feel like isn't talked about enough. But that's, yeah. Well, I've got Snailskin Kelly. His skin is a thousand snails, each one hungrier than the one before it. that seems seems seems like more of a you don't want to catch him out of his shell i like that he's really slow though um i got long shanks the widower oh yeah his he was you know a pirate king during the golden age of piracy and he you know kind of neglected his marriage because

he was so caught up in the pirate game so his wife left him and he was so upset about it that he would target married men because if he can't have a wife, no one can. I like that. Yeah. Even playing field. Yep. Alright, I've got Shoelace Sammy. There we go. He's an old-timey pirate

that's greatest weapon is the very shoelace he wears. He gets his victim where he wants him and he goes, zoop. Kills him. Cuts the circulation in their neck with the shoelace. Can I ask you a question? Two.

You asked me two questions. Wouldn't it be easier to just wear normal shoes and just carry the shoestring? He has to untie it. Part of the act, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. It just seems really time consuming. Like it feels like I could get away.

No, no, no. He's really good at it. He's like. All right. I got patchy beard. I like patchy beard. He wants to grow a beard, big scary pirate beard like all his pirate friends, but his It just never really grows in the way he wants it to,

and it doesn't really connect here. It's hard to be intimidating when they're like, he can't even... That might be me if I was a pirate. He can't even grow a beard. Okay, my last one is 14-leg parlay. It's a pirate with 14 legs who is so intimidating that his opponents constantly...

Are invoking the rite of parlay. Are invoking the rite of parlay. so they call him 14 leg parlay now in recent years this has become a source of confusion yes due to the legalization of sports betting but has nothing to do with that yeah for those of you at home that aren't familiar with parlay parlay is uh basically it's part of the pirate code where if you invoke the right of parlay they can't kill you they have to bring you to their captain and he decides what to do with you um you didn't know that no you've never seen pirates of caribbean here's my impression of Keira Knightley

Paul A Paul A no I don't really remember those movies honestly alright my last one is Ticklish Thomas of Highwaters he is one of the most cunning pirates of his time but his biggest

weakness is that he's extremely ticklish and so when the British crown finally captured him after like one visit from the tickle monster he gave up where all of his treasure was buried oh yeah that's a that's a tough weakness to have i know his achilles heel if you will um well this was that was awesome i like that i had fun i'm having a lot of fun today i loved the awards actually that was great i kind of wish i wasn't like blacked out during it because i was just laughing and like my eyes

were watering up the whole time but like blacked out blacked out ass bwenda yeah um lauren's wearing black air force ones today which is pretty cool isn't that like a like a no the all black ones are the ones that yeah but those are flirting with it like when you came in today i've like kind of steered clary because i'm where you're gonna like roundhouse kick me they look swag though i don't wear them that often i got them so long ago. I feel like they're kind of hard to wear.

We're trying to make merchandise if you guys have any ideas tell us off in the comments. Julia Mencher we talked to her about making some stuff. Which is going to be cool.

What's that all about? I'm just holding it for a little. Cool. What else is going on? Well Valentine's Day is next month.

Oh no. what do you are you guys like how are you guys okay that's making a lot of noise i know yeah that's how are we what how are you guys gonna prepare uh i don't know i just got out of birthday season so now i have to transition i have three weeks left to find love have you been going on a date i've been going on a date it's like still going on yeah i've been on a date for the last two weeks um yeah i don't know probably gonna i mean i'm assuming we do the thing at the office here where we all bring in brown paper bags and make little valentines and then we go down the line and drop them in everyone's did you do that of course yeah it was

the best yeah wait no no we're gonna say i was just gonna off topic that's it i wasn't gonna say anything of a substance i was just gonna ask what your guys's favorite part has been about january so far about 2024 i think it's been a good year i like i'm liking the energy of this year um oh we got a maid at the house like you hired a maid cleaning people is probably a better word it's kind of embarrassing why at this age please yeah um sorry no it was just like it was just overwhelmingly like dusty in our house it's not like they're not like doing any significant and yeah you know clean they just come and they like make everything like nice and like prim and proper yeah fair enough it's also a bargain you should look into one yeah maybe all right i think

we have a pest problem yeah i don't think you think that i think you know that no again no like the termites have been gone for months that's not a problem anymore what is the new pest there are something's eating our bananas at night it's only our bananas we have a chimp problem yeah that's that's what chester was like freaking out but i was like oh my god you know it probably is monkeys yeah fuck you only the bananas only the man look it up what yeah it's like people like i don't know how big like are there like teeth marks or is it just like no it's like the entire like end of the banana is gone but like what does the end look like like severed is it like cleanly cut like because it'd be much more be much more concerning if there was someone

somewhere or something that knew how to use kitchenware no no yeah it's not like a knife cut like it's definitely like it almost looks like the end of it rotted off but it's gone which end the end that connects to the banana no or sorry the end that connects to the rest of the bunch no so how much like give me an inch amount of inches it's a lot yeah like a good like fifth of the banana is just missing but where it's missing like where where the new banana stops are the what does it look like is it the teeth marks or is it like fleas that are no no i there's not teeth marks per se but there's enough missing that it's impossible that it was so but what i'm saying is what does it look like i understand what you're saying i don't know how it can't just be

missing can you please take a photo i need i threw all our bananas out we're not gonna buy any more bananas um well they're just gonna move on to a new snack that's scary yeah like chester thinks it's like a possum or something oh my gosh but i think it's probably just mice or something i don't know um scary uh i think you didn't answer my question what's been your favorite part oh my god oh my god um i don't know i feel like i've been just kind of stop playing with that mic and banging it into your mic let me do what i want we need to get you a fidget spinner dude it's crazy i can't yeah uh no i i just think i've been i think i've been uh just been happy taking care of myself and and that's so cute feeling more confident and like myself than i have since i moved out here

so it's good yeah it just feels good hell yeah i'm happy for you what's your favorite sorry for that sorry for that baby ant like i liked it wimpy answer i'm not i'm a tough guy still lauren what's your favorite part so far um well i will use any excuse to talk about my blanket that i crocheted oh yeah i want one and i called i called dibs on this next one i'm getting a hat i made it way too big though like it's it's it's i'd rather it be big than like too small but it's like bigger than my bed can i have can i have mittens yeah i want to oven mitt yeah i crocheted a blanket for everyone listening i'm very proud of myself because i've never put a picture of it right i've never like done a craft like that or finished something so i was like

very proud anything like i'm very proud that i actually like saw that through yeah yeah no i agree i completely like all week i was i was get home from work and look forward to it and i was like this is nice i feel like i have a purpose yeah i mean i wouldn't go that far but you did a blanket so i was just i was just gonna say i feel like i feel like uh well not like she's just she's saying that that making one blanket gave her more of a purpose than working with us for five months no so you say just like run the tape back lauren lauren play it play the clip of you right here lauren no like i live alone i get home and i'm like oh now what but like you live alone yeah you've been putting up great singing videos oh thank you yeah thank you you want to sing right

out no please wait and i can't make you love me honey come over you know what my next line that was i don't know the words well no we'll sing a different song than what i sang which is awesome yeah i didn't know the one you're singing that was i can't you can make your heart feel Something it won't Lauren, sing it, sing it. Here in my arms Corin. No.

All right. Well, thank you guys for an awesome episode. We'll see you next week. And we are just proud to be on this journey alongside you. Wait, we need a comment for this week. That's what I'm saying. Ideas for merch. The comment this week is your idea for merch

Plus Plus Your High school mascot Yeah your high school mascot No one cares about that Yeah The whole point is to create

Like nonsense Like a sense of confusion So that like People Yeah but I want to like Learn something about our people Not like That is something to learn

And also I want there to be an incentive For people to listen to the end So that they Are like They know what you're talking about What the heck is everyone commenting about Yeah

Okay Alright We love you guys And we will see you guys on Wednesday Catch you on the flippity-flip. them.