Will & Rusty's Playdate - The Woodpecker’s Tongue

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

The gang reminisces on one of their first Playdates, Will relives a key nightmare, and Rusty tells the legend of Sequin Lighthouse (again). The boys also break down ‘cousin face’, hear a crazy AITA involving a pee kink, and predict what their wives are doing as they speak. Episode 47 wraps with a killer draft of things that should be illegal and MrBeast videos that don’t exist. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod CONTROL BODY ODOR ANYWHERE WITH @SHOP.MANDO AND GET $5 OFF YOUR STARTER PACK (THAT’S OVER 40% OFF) WITH PROMO CODE PLAYDATE AT https://shopmando.com/ #MANDOPOD DOWNLOAD THE APP AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR FINANCES WITH CASH APP. IT PAYS TO GET PAID ON CASH APP! https://apps.apple.com/us/app/cash-app/id711923939 (00:00) Intro (04:45) Famous Birthdays (09:05) Bicycling (12:14) Playdate’s Roots (15:25) Doppelgängers (21:10) Key Nightmare (27:35) Getting Kicked out of Bars (32:55) Roadmap (34:01) Pitch Submissions (45:56) Pitches (Presented by Cash App) (55:31) Our Wives (57:52) AITA (01:20:16) This Guy Rocks (01:24:08) Teach Me Something (01:26:51) MrBeast Videos that Don’t Exist (01:30:18) Things that Should be Illegal (01:34:16) Whose Personality are you Stealing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. playdate episode 47 episodes that idea sucked so we'll do this it's our episode 47 which wait no we i can do 47 come on everyone was heated in the comments last yeah who was that alfred morris who

is that he was like a mid running back for the redskin oh fuck fuck fuck lauren washington football he was on the reds the commander right the commander he was on the redskin Wait, aren't I right though? Weren't they called the Washington football team? And then they became the commanders He honestly, his timeline might have like He might have hit all three I don't know

47 though, I can give you a good 47 It's a Robert F. Kennedy Jr. episode If everything goes to plan RFK Jr. Did you see Trump walked out to many men? That's not true, that was edited Bro has absolutely The worst sources in the world

Bro has the worst sources I'd rather be I'd rather be the guy Who's misinformed Than the guy Who unironically says bro Bro Wait

What's wrong with that? I don't know why I came at you like that I didn't mean that Sometimes I just feel like The like bro I think it's funny Bro is Well it's like

In like It's in like a TikTok comment way Where it's like Yeah Bro is out of his element I just feel like the lines Are getting blurred Cause you'll say it to me

When we're in private We're never in private We're always on You and me It's true. Hey, Will, a quick little message for this episode. No fidgeting with your mic. Does he normally?

You were doing a lot of fidgeting last week. A lot? A lot. That's bad. Guys, I cooked for myself last night. You cooked? Sick. I took the bike, took Brian's bike, two Whole Foods, got a six-pack of Allagash White and

a New York strip steak, and then I watched half a TikTok on how to cook it. Where'd you go? you like seared it on like seared it twice or so sorry salt creole pat it in creole it's like a seasoning i like it on every i put it on everything peter put me i put that shit on everything it literally on it it says it's good on it it's great on everything but um sounds good peter put me onto it in college and it's my favorite thing but i didn't realize it's just also salt so it was the saltiest steak ever seared it twice or sorry two minutes two minutes one minute on the side one it on the side butter bathed it butter bathed what does that imply uh but maybe butter based

would be a better thing okay you put butter in it and then you take a spoon and you're like constantly like putting it over the top to like got it whatever i've seen that i don't think it it felt really cool that is scary that's like one of the harder things to do dude it i thought it was gonna be way harder yeah i mean it was kind of awesome and tasted good it tasted fine it tasted good it tasted great to me because i made it like i never make myself something yeah i told everyone that would listen like i when i was talking to my dad on the phone this morning i told him and he was like that's the first steak you've cooked i've made it this far that's awesome my roommate used to go to the c store it was like the campus dining or campus like grocery store

it's called the c store i was is it sea or the letter c i think it was the letter c maybe but But also, Rollins was a very nautically-themed college, so maybe it was the SEA. But he would go every Tuesday and Thursday. We'd have filets, sophomore year. That's awesome. It was sick. Sorry, I've honestly been trying to think of 47s.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah. We didn't. Should I? No, I feel like... You've got to be a pitcher. There's one on the cusp of my jib. Jib.

Fuck. I'm picturing like a safe like a like a safety or like a defensive back is that a bad train of thought safeties were

like Pat Tillman wore 40 uh maybe baseball wait Google people who are 47 no that should be our thing now

no oh yeah that's kind of fun cause people not everyone likes athletes I do this is a fun one this is fun because

then we can guess then it's like yeah yeah yeah okay I got a trivia that night closest to the closest to the F? Alright, I got Jason Segel. Ooh.

I think he's older than that. I'm gonna go 47. I'm gonna go Reese Witherspoon. Bad guess. Really? I think so. I think she's like 55. I don't know. I'm gonna go... I'm just gonna go Reese Witherspoon. I'm gonna go...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Britney Spears. That's a good guess. Oh, wait, let's just look up... Oh, also, speaking of, I'm on Famous Birthdays now. Did they get it right? Oh, okay. Yeah, but one of the pictures is just not.

Britney's 42. Who was your guess? Jason Segel. Okay, I'm closer. Damn it. Well done, Lauren. Let's go. All right, it's our Reese Witherspoon episode.

Wow, wow. Wait, but now can we guess that one next week? Yeah. What do you mean? Guess what? Because she'll be next episode. Pull up my favorite. All right, can you give me Wary's Familia?

Wait. Yeah, who is that? It's like an old Mets closer. Okay. Say it again. J-E-U-R-Y-S. No, I just didn't hear you. Oh, that's a-

Fuck. It wasn't even close. Well, I got one number, right? One lumber. You want to see some of that? One lumber, right? I think he used to wear 47. You got one number right, but it's in the wrong position.

Yeah. Wait, Lauren, pull up my famous birthdays. One of the pictures is just not me. Really? Yeah, it's Brendan. Who's Brendan? He's like one of my hometown friends. Oh my God.

There you go. It looks like a mug shot. Is that like your fake ID photo? I don't know where they got that. You're 93,740 most popular. Damn. You're not even number one right now. I'm the fifth.

Wait, go up. He tagged Emily Ratajkowski and Edison Ray in a 2020 TikTok video. That's who you're associated with. That's awesome. We're two pretty kids. Oh, wait. that's fun that they have that around the world that epcot wait why don't they have playdate on here i don't know i didn't have any say in this it's crazy i'll take i'm the i'm oh i'm in the

top 100 000 most famous people in the world yeah it's just not me oh that's a good photo of you i know they really fucked me over with the first one isn't that crazy you're a tourist they didn't even they just picked a photo of my friend yeah That's insane. I mean, he does like kind of look like enough like you that I could see like AI maybe making that mistake. But that's insane. Wait, wait.

So you didn't even send that? They were like, can we use photos from your Instagram? And I thought they were going to use like the good ones. Yeah. They went so far back and picked photos from like that aren't even like me anymore. That's insane. Well, one of them is literally not me. Oh, look at this.

Dude, you're behind Rusty Fox. Wait, dude. Rusty Wallace is where I got my name. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's kind of, imagine you pass him. I got to pass him. That'd be kind of, that'd be like a chills moment. I'll take fifth most famous Rusty.

Wait, Rusty Wallace is a Leo? Yes. That was my first thought. Oh, I have a fun fact. Cool. Next episode that comes out, I will be a whole year older. That's huge. What are you, 24?

I'm 23 now Next week I'll be 24 You're the oldest one out of all of us I am Shit, we gotta catch up We gotta put some work in and catch up I'll be 24 soon though Yeah, 9-11

We were talking about this the other day Someone was like Talking about Flagg's birthday party Flagg also was born on 9-11 I was like, if this happens last year On Will's birthday party um edge who is like the our boss yeah he's one of our bosses wait can i tell this story yeah because ed okay i maybe you should have done it i'm flustering ed me me and our co-worker alex

have the same birthday and 9 11 and our boss edge always gets like a cake or like a cookie or some sort of treat and everyone brings everyone into like our main part of the office and we all sing happy birthday and on september 11th last year he came into my office and said hey will can you round everyone up we're gonna sing happy birthday for flag's birthday and i was like it was my birthday too i was like are you fucking kidding me it's my birthday too tell him yeah i was like what it's my birthday too and he was like uh oh yeah i got you guys both a cake it's like you asshole um but um i would let me i'll just say my piece which is what doesn't make you stronger there you go um so now that the car is out of commission uh after will and

i's accident i am riding brian's electric bike to work okay and using the electric part yeah it's awesome it goes 25 i'm cruising jesus yeah um and a fun thing that brian's bike was doing yesterday was the handlebars came undone and so through the last while you were biking yep so Well, the last part of the thing, I just had to press it. I had to keep it in the hole. So there was, like, a peg or whatever, and I had to hold it just on that, and my wrists were on fire. Does it have, like, strings in them, like scooters would?

What? Strings? Like, you ever, like, pull the handles off a scooter? Did you ever have, like, a razor scooter growing up? Oh, okay, I kind of know what you're talking about. And then you could, like, press the button in and pull them out, and then they would just, like, dangle? Oh, no, no, no.

The whole handlebar was not connected. okay but i tightened it this morning and i was ripping yeah i was ripping none of these are it i know what you're talking about though they had like a string yeah yeah yeah also will yeah like like if you press that button you oh yeah that was awesome yeah i don't know why actually in retrospect i remember scootering barefoot and if you held the breakdown it would get like really really hot yeah and just burning the fuck out of my foot yeah we used to those things were war machines too like i know like this is like such a big meme now but like the hitting of the ankles was actually like a oh a genuine struggle in my childhood your childhood oh i went to long legs

last night it's a long leg long legs oh how was it it's like a very creepy no this new kind of like a thriller yeah horror movie with nicholas cage is like the serial killer in it of course and he uh it was it was good but it started getting really demonic and then they started bringing like satan into it and it got super religious and like a really weird i don't know yeah i wanted who has the long legs though the the serial killer that's his name like long legs is why i don't know daddy he's daddy yeah it's nicholas cage i watched a movie last night when you watch 1917 have you seen that it's very cool i like that you're i like that you're not trying to watch any of the that guy made a very nice list of things that you haven't seen and you're

just oh sorry i sorry i picked a movie that was nominated for 10 oscars it seems like sorry i have taste it's it's all one shot that's cool the whole movie that's really i mean they definitely like that or sorry it's one they find like clever ways to to edit it but like you're following one it looks like one camera the whole time nuts there's like it'll like pass a wall and then you're like okay they definitely cut it there but that seems like it's insane that seems like an unnecessary amount of work it's really cool though because it's it's a great hero's tale and i'm a sucker for a great hero's tale braveheart i haven't seen it lauren's got a fun case of the giggles no i did last that's my favorite friggles that's my favorite

uh type of lauren i used remember remember when we first started this podcast and i was like so awkward and didn't know how to talk no i guess i still don't know how to talk but wait were you awkward i feel like i was awkward can we watch the first 15 seconds of our first episode and just see what was going on yeah yeah if you're listening right now and you haven't listened to the first episode you gotta go do that i don't go do that why i think we've gotten better i know I'm sure it's not like bad Let's just see what we were talking about back then Probably like baseball

We both have like blue You guys look really young Blue mohawks I don't remember that Alright let's see what we were up to Rusty opens up about living with an alias And Willie has his heart broken in front of 20,000 people 14 comments

We were white hot Alright let's see what we were up to Damn you had a lot of hair I love it On top. Should we tell people that we named the pod? Oh, we named our pod. Oh, this is number two.

Well, I guess you probably know this already by the title. By the title. But there will be a sign here soon. This sounds exactly like us. Do you want to say it? We'll do it together. Will and Rusty's Playdate. We just think it's a fun visual.

The first one we never aired. There's an unreleased episode. Oh, with Emily? We should release that at the 100th episode. You think we're making it that far? people there's that one guy who says on the 69th episode we have to kiss yeah I'm looking forward to it

can you actually please we've kissed many times we're guys we've kissed many times Lauren do you kiss your friends ever of course you ever like to like film it Jesus Christ me and Mia kiss all the time

oh to be a fly on that wall oh mia i love mia yeah she she loves when we talk about her mia has a funny uh cadence in the way that she speaks and i like it's like very pleasing on the ears oh yeah i i said i said no i know what he's talking about i said she said she talks like my cousin talks she has cousin voice that's exactly what it is oh what you know what cousin that vague cousin cousin face look up cousin face what it's like a it's like this phenomenon where like that sounds like it has yeah that doesn't that girl look exactly like your cousin no doesn't it feel like she'd be your cousin i've never seen that girl what is this let's give it a shot what are you talking

about man you haven't heard a cousin face never what is last night i was introduced to a friend of a friend and i was like have we met before you look familiar and she goes oh that's just because i have cousin face and i was like what the fuck is cousin face and she goes everyone's always like you look like my cousin you look like my cousin's cousin i look like everyone's cousin she does not look like any of my no i really does she look like one of your cousins she look i mean like not one in it looks like if you melded all my cousins together it would look like that i did meld all your cousins together yeah it was a nightmare i'm running a 5k with all my It was way bloodier.

Oh, that's fun. I had a different question in mind. What? The other day I was thinking, you know how there was that myth that we have someone out there that looks like us? Yeah. Do you guys believe in that? I get sent pictures of guys that look identical to me, like, monthly.

Really? Wait, what do you mean a myth? Like, that there's someone that looks exactly like us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, somewhere out there. No, I don't, no. I guarantee you there's a guy out there that, to the naked eye, like, if he wasn't talking, I'd be like, that's Will.

Maybe. i just don't think people could replicate these abs my my the worst part is i will get ones and it's photos or like i had a guy and he was like were you just chat are you in maine right now i was like no oh yeah and he was like oh i just saw this guy going to i saw this guy who looked identical to you going to town on a burger and then like i wish i've gotten ones where there was also like i feel like i'm not like a cool guy to impersonate but this has happened multiple times where guys would be like there was a guy at the bar last night telling everyone he was you and like then i can't control his behavior and then people are drunk and are gonna be like yeah

i met him and he was like a madman yeah that could be one of emily's friends said i was a dick at uh at uh gran blanco i feel like you think about this often yeah yeah i feel like this this has been eating it did i tell you i got to the bottom of it though we found out why i thought it was a dick or why she thought i was a dick she came up to me she knew my friend luke binnell and was she came up to me and was like where she had just seen me in luke's photo but couldn't like couldn't uh remember where point couldn't pin me yeah and she was like where do i know you from and i was like i don't know and she was like no i definitely know you and i thought she was like like she knew me maybe from the internet or something and was just doing it in a weird way

and so i was like i don't know i don't know what to tell you like i don't know where you know me from and then that came off as like got it arrogant abrasive yeah well i'm not cooperative i um fuck what were we talking about doppelgangers well you sorry i interrupted you and you're about to talk about your 5k oh i mean that was just the what it's just that i am running a 5k next friday with my i ran one yesterday to try to see like how good i am and i was horrible how many miles is it 3.1 how fast can you run a five my best i've ever done was like 21 50 or something but yesterday i did it in like 25 minutes i mean i wasn't really going for speed but i just want to like see what my like benchmark was but that was pretty not are you doing it in maine yeah

in ocean park where's that like in between like old orchard and saco oh very cool yeah old orchard that was the name of my mall oh i'm assuming the mall was like your guys's like hangout spot too right in middle school no not at all really the kids who hung out at the mall we did not grow up in 2004 like what there was shootings every weekend at the mall by me oh you didn't so where where was like where would you hang out on the weekends middle school house someone's house the backyard basement really hang out like that much i didn't get to hang out until like years later yeah no the kids are we go to buchanan park we go to buchanan park the mall was like the mall was kind of reserved for like sketchier people

in maine at least yeah i yeah there was like if we asked legitimately unsafe to go to the mall by me the citadel mall yeah that sounds sounds daunting yeah the the only reason i remember going to the mall was either Foot Locker or Zoomies to get the iHeart. I remember I really wanted an iHeart Boobies bracelet. I forgot about those. Those were awesome. I saw a guy with an iHeart Boobies belt the other day. Really?

It was awesome. Google iHeart Boobies belt. Google a hundred guys all singing at the same time, each one louder than the other. I want to try something. I've been to that. Yeah, look at this thing. I've been to that Foot Locker recently. Oh, man.

You've been to that Foot Locker? Oh, in Maine? Maine Mall. it's pretty grim here's what i'll say about the main mall popping still all the time like i go every year now around christmas time when i'm doing my shopping and stuff and uh it's always like i didn't know malls like this still existed the round your mall called the old orchard oh really but it was an outdoor mall and it was really nice it was like oh okay i know would your parents like drop you they would drop us off we'd be in our in our group we'd hang out

we'd like meet up with the boys from the other schools it was like we'd go to the movies type shit oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay outdoor and you would walk that makes sense we would do freeport but freeport was like i wouldn't call it a mall no it's like a town yeah oh it is a town but you'd walk around and they had everything oh our indoor mall i hated that's what that's what i was picturing when you said mall we would go to you're describing more of a town center it's a mall it's not a mall if it's outdoors i didn't know it can still be a mall can i talk to you for a second it's a mall it's small it's small it's small i was trying to go to a jewelry store at the mall and uh whatever like wherever like that amc was that we went yeah and on the map it's us

me and you went there to watch uh that movie with the girl who played priscilla civil war civil war oh in marina i think so yeah and uh was walking around to try and find this jewelry store did not exist on a map and so and no one was no one knew where it was so i was convinced like maybe it doesn't exist and then on my way out i was walking out disheveled and it was like glowing and i walked in oh that's fun you want to hear about my key nightmare please key nightmare key uh i lost my key in the most embarrassing way possible i locked my door took two steps outside of my house went oh fuck i forgot like my headphones or like something like whatever i forgot went back to the door it was locked and i didn't have my key and i haven't

been able to find it wait what that's why it was insane you want to know what i think happened fell out of your pocket fell through the slit in the porch that like that's like about the only thing that could have happened at this point it was insane i took like four steps turn around i was like what the fuck so you don't keep your key on anything it's just i keep it in my wallet just loose because i just i only have one key so i'm like what am i gonna i don't have a car you can't make a big show out of it you have to have like a couple before you can start throwing lanyards yeah before you start going down the chain i think you should at least get like a ponytail or like something yeah well so so then it had been like a week where i was just like

there's like i don't know if i guess i should reveal this but there's like a you can climb through my window pretty easily uh it's the big okay stop stop um but i i was just kind of doing that for a week and then chester was like all right you gotta stop you gotta get a key like i'm gonna get in and out of the window yeah he's like i'm giving you my key just go get a cup copied so i went to home teapot got it copied i got two copies i tried to get one with like a bald eagle on it but i'm not gonna touch on it so we um um this is awesome sorry you guys distracted me i got two keys come back home neither of them work in the door yeah i just got them freshly cut i was like are you fucking kidding me so he gave you the wrong key no his

key worked the one that i brought were it just like the cutting didn't work i don't know and then then i'm like all right i guess i'll have to go back two days later chester loses his key so now and now we have no keys so now we just both have to climb in the window why don't you just leave the door unlocked well that's what which window started doing yeah which window i'm not gonna you guys are i'm not gonna let you guys on the green big greenhouse you guys could ruin my life you could ruin i'm moving now and i applied to an apartment this week oh yay fingers crossed speaking of dropping things through the porsche crack did i ever tell you about like new year's eve a couple years ago

no we were at we're at sugarloaf in maine and there's like a big long line to get into like the new year's thing whatever it's this bar called the rack great time and uh we're all waiting in line and you know when like you hand your id and then you like wait for the rest of the crew yeah to get in whatever we're like watching watching someone go through and one of my buddies pulled out his id handed it to the bouncer the bouncer drops it and it falls through the crack into the porch that they that you can't like climb under it's just like and the bouncer looked at me was like like you can't come in he yeah and he was like you're the one that dropped it he was like i don't know what to tell you of age yeah i think so it was an actual id yeah and

he dropped it felt felt perfectly through the crack and was just like sorry man you're lost and my buddy's like no like that's not that's not like what's happening you're like i'm coming in the guy was like all right but he like you drive a hard bargain he lost his fucking id forever jesus they also came around there were some kids that were not 21 yet and we were all like but it's like our families are there it wasn't like kids are like raging whatever yeah this bouncer came around and i guess someone had been like those kids are still in college whatever came around was rounding up all the underage kids and taking their ids and then i was like with a couple kids that were under 21 and so he like assumed i was one of them took my id and i'd be like whoa whoa

like no no like i'm i'm allowed to be here he didn't he obviously didn't believe me and so my sister had to come out and like is arguing with the bouncer and finally he was just like okay you can go back in but it was this guy seemed like really uh not he was not on his a game not stuff not uh not stuck in his ways easy easily maneuverable yeah but he did like like he wanted to be tough yeah anytime there was any resistance he was like all right all right that's kind of a funny kid like the bouncer who's like doesn't want to piss anyone off yeah malleable malleable malleable do you ever get kicked out of uh like metals like not like adjustable like you can malleable it all right it's official school's out sun's out

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how often were you getting kicked out of the bar in college learn I don't think I ever got told to leave a bar I would just get too drunk and then like my friends would have to take me out I don't think I ever got like kicked out yeah no I don't think I did do you ever see like the bouncer like when a bouncer's like not sure if someone

just snuck in or not like he like can't with 100% certainty be like you just like hop the fence yeah there was that never happened to you i feel like no no oh it's happened it happened once at the break but then when we were in college we're all standing on the patio he was sure it was you at the break no he asked me he was like did you just jump the fence oh and i was like yeah but uh we're at this place called the porch in uh winter park and there's like an outdoor patio but if you can climb up onto this wall you can make it onto the roof and then if no one's looking you can jump from the roof into the patio jesus usually it's like you do it with some level

of finesse right but like i can't remember what someone's little brother was in town we're all like outside just like having a very casual drink it's like not that late in the night just like you ever seen that episode of i carly where gibby like falls from the ceiling and like it was pull up pull up gibby falling falling from the ceiling pull up so before you before you play this imagine we are all we're all like just standing around having a drink yeah and then someone's little brother does like it was like it was almost as dramatic as this what it literally it felt like he fell from the sky and then the bouncer was just like what what just happened like where did that kid come from and he was like into he was like

he was like so clearly just fell from the roof how high is it like 10 feet he like took the biggest spill and then like tried to play it off but it was like there's no way you there's no way for you to get that hurt if you were already standing here yeah there's no like plausible like i slipped dude i just also i just remembered i got kicked out of a bar this year because of you what was at that bar in boston oh yeah i hadn't seen him all night and i came out of the bathroom and he was at the same bar as me and he's like yo well welcome over here and the moment i walk up the guy next to him goes you're with this guy i'm gonna kick your ass too i was like what and he started fucking swinging and the guy kicked me out oh didn't

the bouncer come over and he like asked the bartender what was happening he was like i think these guys are in a fight but like this guy doesn't know like i was like beyond like even knowing i was in the fight no yeah he was he pointed at me and i was just like what no and he was like i'm sorry i don't i don't know and then i was like all right i'll leave i'll leave yeah it was ridiculous yeah i went back we were at me and katie and gwen were at uh brunch there like a couple months later and i was like i feel like i feel like i'm not welcome here no but I was like I can't remember what I did

but the server was not a fan interesting they have like a big poster of you in the back do not serve this man this is kind of gross but there was I never took part in this but I just heard the story

there was like this massage parlor in Winter Park that apparently they would do like happy endings or whatever and one of my buddies went in there and there's a wall of shame like behind it and he said that he said that one of the kids that sat next to him in stats was like on it and it's like all security footage so it's like the only picture they could get was him like clearly yelling at someone and he was like he seems like a really nice kid but he's on the wall of shame at this

massage parlor jesus christ uh i didn't know this was real i didn't either yeah they're real man someone here was telling me about one in manhattan that uh they had heard about it they go they show up to the address it's like this giant warehouse like empty warehouse and they were like this clearly isn't the right place and then there was a back door and you went in it was like an oasis what does that mean it was like really nice oh that's cool yeah i like oasis today is gonna be you ever watch supersonic that documentary there is a it's about oasis and they were talking about i guess they thought someone had brought what they thought was like cocaine to to the one of their shows what who thought like the band thought it was cocaine and um so they were like like in

between songs like going behind the amp and like doing it whatever turns out it was like crystal meth or something and they were all up for like days and like didn't know what was happening they were they keep playing all night i don't think so i think they played that show and then probably went to bed or tried to went to bed um all right should we hear some pitches you got anything else on your gourd oh trying to think trying to think if i have anything really good oh should we get into the roadmap oh yeah we go roadmap oh fuck Fuck me to hell Will and Rusty's Roadmap

It's your new spinoff It's just called Rusty's Roadmap Guys we have A fantastic episode for you today We have your pitches Followed by our pitches presented by Cash App, it pays to get paid On Cash App, then Lauren do we have

Some Am I the Assholes? We do Hell yeah, do any of them callers? Possibly We can turn them into callers if we want Turn anyone into a caller and then we have this guy rocks followed by

everyone's favorite segment teach me something and then we were gonna do some of our favorite playmates submitted sayings because you guys have been doing them

but I didn't write any down did you? oh what? no I forgot about that and then Will and I are gonna do I wanna compile so many people send us

like really good yeah but we know where to put that their own sayings we have never had any way to like showcase them yeah so we'll do that next

We're gonna do that next week And then I'm very excited About this one Will and I are gonna do Mr. Beast videos That don't exist Followed by Things that should be illegal

But are not Yeah that's gonna be fun Should we get into some pitches? Yeah Someone commented and said That you have incredible patience I know I saw that

I don't think I've ever Been told that in my life I don't consider myself A very patient person So I I'll take it Also I just wanna I just wanna clear the air

I wanna address the elephant In the room I know you guys Have all been thinking it I'm a bracelet guy now. I was wondering when you were going to do that. Oh, that's cool. What is...

Where'd you get it? I just wear them now. Where'd you get them? I don't know. I woke up and they're on. That's pretty cool. No, I got this one in Slab City and then this one in Topanga. I feel like when I have a bracelet on, I talk with more authority.

And then my hands are up. Yeah, I mean, most presidents wear like a lot of... My bracelets are huge. I got a bracelet. Come on, man. Come on man, I got a ton of bracelets on I got beads on mine Back in my day they didn't have beads

They just had worms You're better at Biden and you're better at Trump My Uncle Bozy gave me this breakfast That's a great breakfast The IHOP breakfast sampler Is one of the best breakfasts Two pieces of bacon Two pieces of uncured ham

two paces of bike now i'm doing boris johnson two i don't know what he sounds like all right i just know he's british from england england england england fuck england i start my pee i'm joking i love england i like um i like i'm a simple man this one is from nick german he says what's good lauren and the blowfish i have a pitch for the pod oh yeah that's fun i don't have a name for it but you know when you're on a long road trip and you have exhausted your podcasts and music and are just looking for something new to listen to yep this is where my idea comes in it's a connection between whatever music app you use and your gps that allows you to shuffle songs that are either about the area that you're driving through or plays artist artists from that specific

location so as you were driving you were constantly hearing the music that came out of that land and get to hear fresh music throughout the trip very cool that's interesting i do want like this would really only be like that useful for like really long road trips yeah there aren't that many from like south portland yeah but i guess but like if you're in like west virginia and like john denver's plane and then i don't think he's from there is he google it lauren i feel like he's like a cult yeah i think there's like a colorado guy oh he's from new mexico roswell yeah he's an alien um yeah i love that i think this is cool or if you're driving through like a big city all the different pockets yeah like yeah oh that's true like driving through new york and

then sometimes it could play like scary stories about things that have happened in that city oh like a scary stories mode where it's like a scary like the scariest story that happened near there yeah what's the scariest thing that's that you've ever heard i'm gonna die alone i don't know probably you heard that i read it who told you that oh you weren't supposed to find out that was a surprise what's the scariest thing you've ever heard um did i ever tell you the lighthouse one in portland yes it was nonsense no we put that we put that in the halloween episode and you don't remember we turned the lights off did we turn Yeah, it was fun.

It was just like my buddy heard a ghost at the same place some other person heard a ghost. It's not what it was. It was a lighthouse keeper. Here we go again. Lighthouse keeper. He is married to this woman. She's like a huge bitch.

This is gross. They have a daughter. The daughter goes to live with the mom because the lighthouse is not a great place to raise your kid. There's a real lighthouse in Portland. Or in Cape Elizabeth. It's not the Portland Lighthouse, though.

um and when the mother dies the daughter comes to live with him in the lighthouse and she brings her piano and he fucking he hates when she plays the piano he's like stop that it reminds me like your bitch mother your bitch mother used to play the piano whatever he's like if you don't play if you don't stop playing that piano i'm gonna cut your fucking fingers off and she keeps playing the piano so he cut her fingers off it's not true this is true you can look it up and and and we've already looked this and uh and my friends who have kayaked by the old lighthouse say that you can still hear pianos playing like this no it's not true it's not i'm gonna call phil i believe that he thinks that he did i think that people i don't even know what

convince themselves of things all the time yeah why is he a reputable source he was the one in the kayak yeah the one yeah his most hello yo uh will doesn't believe me you know that you know the piano lighthouse thing where like you can hear the piano playing because he cut his daughter's fingers off the haunted lighthouse yeah will doesn't believe me yeah so only the locals know that yeah i mean i'm sure it's like an old wives tale i believe that people think that it happened but like you told that story like you won't believe what happened yeah look it plays the same i told you i believe that it's a made-up story wait phil can you tell will that you've heard it yeah i was told that story oh see you were his primary source oh i thought you kayaked

by it and heard it no but i haven't told my people that i'm okay okay all right so there are people that have kayaked yeah okay this is like literally yeah it's like my dad's friends Bro has the worst sources Alright, no, that is We should treat this as fact It is fact Alright, later brother Alright, see ya

So glad we got to the bottom of that, it's real Alright Well, anyway, back to Nick's pitch Yeah, it's killer Yeah, I do like it I would like to drive Yeah, through like the Heartland, like the Midwest

I feel like would be fun I have an idea to address your problem of like it only kind of works because like also you'd be in the place for too long that's what i'm saying yeah you plug in your you plug in the route you're taking and it plays it plays like in order of the road trip but you don't necessarily have to be there yet and then it starts over yeah i like that all right love it nick all right next one is from zach oakham he's oak this is oak he says what's up lauren and the pitch pals pitch idea what's the worst part about going to a large event such as a concert or the big game wait is he saying

what's the best part of the worst part worst part of going to big concert having to pee having to pee having to pee having to pee well i also think like getting out is a nightmare he says the lines in order to combat this i bring to you line two like the number two line line two brings an alternative to standing in a long line by offering up a challenge of sorts to get to the front do you want a beer at a celtics game but you don't want to miss al horford drain a contested fade away at the buzzer well with line two if you can sink three three pointers in a row then you get to be served first want to skip the wait to get to the front of that roller coaster how about a wipeout style obstacle course this not only provides you the chance to earn your spot but

it gives the standard line goers some entertainment feel free to brainstorm any other line two ideas for other events i love it what's his name zach zach killer idea yeah i love merit it's merit based yeah you gotta work for it yeah i want and i would be fine with that like if a guy like steps up and hits his free throws i'm like by all means respect yeah go ahead i just i feel like there should be some sort of consequence like what wouldn't everyone just go up try once and then just get in line one is that fine or should it be like if you miss in line two like you just got to go somewhere else yeah there has to be a downside you know what i mean because then there's a line for the thing it's kind of like how it's like there's a line to do the challenge now yeah

it's kind of like how some you ever go to an airport and like the clear line is like longer than the regular line but everyone still goes and like sometimes they'll just go through regular boarding and like beat the people who were in clear you just like it's hard to I think once you've gotten a taste for that life it's hard to like you want everyone to know you have clear

well I yeah I mean I wouldn't want I'd be embarrassed if I pre-check so I even if the line is longer I go in it because I don't have to take my shoes off what's the difference between clear and pre-check he has to take his shoes off which is fine which is fine which is fine

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can pair the two together. Yeah. Oh, you should do that, then. I just haven't. I don't want to go to the thing. Okay. How did...

Did you have to go to, like, a physical place? Yeah. Staples. Sounds like a nightmare. Oh, you can do it out of Staples? The main mall, yeah. Staples. Sounds awesome.

Yeah. I got a bunch of, like, hole punches and pencil pouches while I was there. Yesterday, Kate Klausner was looking for a stapler. I heard that. oh yeah and i was laughing because i was like that is like used to be like it would have been such a no-brainer in an office we do not have one no but like why what would anyone be stapling yeah each other oh that's true i stapled my finger in uh sixth grade on purpose no i think we were like horsing around and i remember i remember thinking it wouldn't go through like we were

like messing with the teacher or something and she was like don't do it and then i was like oh yeah have you ever like hooked like fishing yeah i had one of those that was so gnarly because you know how like yeah and then you're like frozen because you don't want to move you can't pull it back through yeah because it has like the thing so you have to push it all the way through and cut the end yeah i just remember showing up to the nurse with the staple in my finger and she was just like how every day about what i ordered a pizza to school no i ordered a pizza to school cool and um i tried to go get it and then they were like no like you can't order a pizza to school yeah i was like what like the guy's like right there and like they like the lady was like

if you like you can't leave right now like they were like you can't leave the building i was like that guy's got my pizza and i was like were you doing it to be funny no i was like i wanted to order food to school but i guess that wasn't allowed yeah i wanted to anyway the guy called me and i was like looking at him i was like i don't know she's not letting me out i was like you can just have the pizza there wasn't like why would you just come in yeah he wasn't like she she was like in between us she was like you can't do this did you guys have to start scanning into school after the school shootings happened no no they like put in this like elaborate thing like like if you walked in it was like glass you had to like tap your card to get in

i think the year after my senior year is when they like really started uh hammering down on it because like the parkland one happened my senior year do you see the guy who did the trump shooting the only video of him on the internet is the video on twitter where he's saying he has a 10 inch penis really oh damn pull that up pull up his penis what i don't want to look at yeah don't Don't pull up his penis, don't pull up his penis. Okay, thank you for the pitches, peeps. Should we pitch each other, Willie? Wait, what was the second one?

The line two. Oh, I love that one. Both great pitches. Yeah, I like line two a lot. It's time for our pitch sesh, which, as always, is presented by our friends at Cash App. It pays to get paid on Cash App. And, hey, if your pitch impresses me, I'm going to cash up you a dollar. Sweet, I'll do the same.

I haven't totally nailed down the name yet, but I think maybe you guys can help me with that. uh last night when i was cooking my steak i found myself sending everyone my work like i was so proud of it that i was just like texting people pictures of my thing and i was like what would be fun is if there was a social media platform where you uh scan all your ingredients and it makes the recipe and then you upload like a final picture so everyone can see what you had for dinner uh you can brag a little bit about cooking and then your friends if it looks delicious have the recipe in front of them and they can make the same thing yeah i guess is the idea this is if you're not using a recipe it can be whatever recipe itself yeah yeah but uh no but in this

that this time this time it's like more fun because it looks like you did it got it i like that a lot i like it and then it tells you where to but yeah there's a button where you can just amazon all the items in it so it's like okay everything that i use all the stuff buy it yep i love that i do the same thing when i cook because i don't do it often i'll like send photos to my family to all my friends i'm like it's not even that this was the most proud i've ever yeah i texted it to everyone and it didn't look that good in the photos yeah except to us yeah i didn't send it to you guys i sent it to peter phil harper perry perry ruby oh there's a bug in my coffee a little bmc never hurt nobody i sent it to everyone i sent it to my mom um

all right here's a question to you next time i'm probably gonna make another one tonight it felt awesome what oh wait you already talked about what you put on it next time do you guys like the chimichurri sauce i've never had it what's you said the chimichurri sauce chimichurri my dad used to make the best like because you got strip steak right yeah strip with chimichurri sauce is gas yes so like here's the thing and like i hate to burst your bubble you know traditionally if you're if you have to put steak sauce on it that means uh like in the same way that if you order a1 sauce like a nice steak restaurant it's like a slap in the face because they used to use it as like a way to kind of mask like lower quality meat i think that's dumb so when you're you know

when you're cooking like the quality of meats that i'm cooking and you're doing it with such you know passion adding sauce to it is kind of a slap in the face to the chef aka me so i wouldn't do that yeah but it's a different vibe you're going for like i like steaks without sauce too it's just like if you had this sauce it's a very good flavor i mean i love wish to sheer sauce and i don't think i've ever had i have no shame in putting it on any steak is that thousand island No. It's Worcestershire sauce. Is that what's on Eggs Benedict?

Nope. I don't know. That's Hollandaise. Hollandaise. You don't know what Worcestershire sauce is? I haven't had it. I know what it is. I just haven't had it.

I think it's like... Yeah. That shit. Have you ever seen Gary Goldman's holiday sauce bit? No. What's that? Who's Gary Goldman? He's a stand-up comedian.

Can you look up Gary? I don't know. Let's not. but it basically the gist is like he was talking about how each there was this documentary on how they gave each state its two-letter abbreviation and uh he's like you'd think it would be like a 90 second thing apparently it was like a big process and then he goes down this rabbit hole where they're talking and they're reading the minutes and one of them was saying that they like eggs benedict with their with holiday sauce and then they're like wait did you just say

holidays that's not worth it i'm not doing it okay is this a real thing that happened or like a bit i mean i would love to pull it up but i don't want to we can watch it later yeah um if you got wait another really quick question yeah if you guys could only have one condiment for the rest of your life what would it be ranch probably it's good because that's versatile yeah like i put ranch on taquitos i put it on chicken nuggets i put it on i think i think those are the two things that oh you do ranch with taquita it's awesome yeah that sounds pretty good i might i think i might go ranch as well really good maybe chick-fil-a so i like oh oh yeah i feel like i get so bored of chick-fil-a sauce oh it's so really how often you i feel like it's like baja blaster it's like

i don't get it enough so i love it can we can we this might be cheating but like just like special sauce like you know each restaurant has like a special sauce it's kind of like big mac sauce usually like on their yeah it's usually just big mac sauce yeah maybe i'd take that we used to do that at the restaurant i worked at and it was literally just like heinz 57 and we would call it like secret sauce but i used to have to portion it out when i was in amsterdam i forgot to tell you they had sauces that we don't like at the mcdonald's there they had like sauces that we don't have and they had like items that we don't have and we were the bar that we all liked in amsterdam was right next to mcdonald's since we'd go in there after

and they had big mac sauce in the dippers so like you'd get i don't like i really don't like it i don't think i'm saying yeah why i don't know i don't really like the taste of it also i was talking to someone yesterday i was like what are you gonna do for dinner and she was like uh i'm gonna in and out i was like what's your order and she was like i like i get a burger protein style animal style and in my head animal style should be like fucking banana land apparently apparently at in and out animal style on your burgers just they just add pickles no pickles and grilled onions i thought animal style meant like spread and so that's on the fry animal style on the fries is like cheese and all different things animal style on your burger is just is just pickles

and animals but it's like they they like they gave it way too grand of a name yeah they overshot yeah all right i'm i'm sorry are we white hot right now yeah we always let's hear your pitch you want to hear my pitch all right what's everyone's favorite thing money friendship friendship hanging out around the fire yeah that's close hanging out around the fire we all love hanging around we all love hanging out around the fire but what's the biggest problem neighbors with hoses stink after yeah smoke is always like fucking someone yeah like you know what i mean like there's always like we had a fire on the fourth of july over by it was like we were all like pulling his pants down no on the

fourth of july we were all sitting around like eight of us were like this is great and then poor caitlin was like on the other side of the yard because she was just getting liam's girlfriend was doing this oh yeah liam's girlfriend and her friend were were like 30 feet away from the fire and we were like what are you guys doing over there like we can't breathe yeah so my idea is a when you set up the chair so it's a fire pit that has like a ring around it um connected to a remote control on the whoever the fire master is sits in the fire master's chair and then there's yours there's two empty chairs and the fire master has like a two little buttons you can press that rotate the ring because like the thing is that it's not always consistent like the wind

changes then the smoke's blowing on a different person you have to get up and move around so in this scenario whoever the is in the fire master's chair just presses the button and it rotates everyone and you can align the two empty chairs with wherever the smoke's going so no one has to get up i love it i picture it like malfunctioning and everyone's just like holding on it was vomiting wait the ring the ring is outside of everyone yeah all the chairs are on it okay so it's like no it's not outside of ever it's in line with where you're sitting your chair is in the ring and then it rotates like ready this is like an example of rotating i'm for the audio listeners i am rotating

i love my podcast man i love i love i love my life i can't believe this is my life can't believe this is my wife all right guys let's take a minute to talk about cash app you probably know cash app as the place to send people money like when you need to settle up with your buddies after a night out on the town well we are here to tell you that cash app actually has a lot more to offer Don't overlook Cash App like you were overlooked back in high school. Cash App is the place for a faster, simpler way to manage your money. You can start saving with as little as $1 as there are no minimum balance requirements. With Cash App Savings, you can get the most for your money with no hidden fees and no account fees.

Cash App makes it easier for you to save money with high-yield savings so you can save up for things that you love, like goldfish from the pet store. With overdraft coverage and security, you'll have peace of mind and can spend more time thinking about fun stuff like birds. Cash App gives you control over your money. Get control over your money like I got control of Will the other day when we were wrestling. Support your local community with the money that you're saving on Cash App.

Lauren and I like to go to Intelligentsia across the street and get a nice coffee, and maybe you could do the same. Download the app and take control of your finances with Cash App. Join the millions who already manage their money with Cash App and start saving today. Make the most out of your money it pays to get paid on Cash App. Let's get back to the episode. don't take your wife to a gun where do you guys think your wife is right now

um it's a good question i think she's probably actually well you go first mine's probably or husband sorry yeah we were talking about this last night do you think that you'll do you think that you will die uh do you think you'll ever have like a gay same-sex experience before you die yeah i was thinking i was thinking if i was on my deathbed i would i i would be like i never fully i never i never like i'm pretty confident but i never got to the bottom of it but i feel like the risk reward is so low like like the risk the risk is like oh i did not like that yeah but then it's like okay whatever yeah

I think my wife is probably she's probably teaching like a second grade class right now oh that's cute I think my wife's

in the international space station you have you have already picked that you like that one woman that like who's the famous

astronaut that like Missy Maytrainer she has the crazy hair Carrie Walsh yeah you're like you're like you're clearly trying to marry

Carrie Walsh you're like I think mine's on the international space station Both of those. No, I bet mine is probably learning Algebra 2 right now. Learning Algebra 2?

Yeah, my second wife. Creep. She's either really dumb or that's weird. Yeah. No, I'd say my first wife is probably teaching second grade and my second wife. Is in the class? Yeah, she's in the second grade class.

Yeah. She's a TA. I think all of my wives are in this international space station. About to land. Lauren, what do you think your husband's doing right now? Laying sod. Yeah. Yeah.

Laying sod sounds like dumping slugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did a house unit last night. Dude was sick. Went back to my house, laid some sod. Perengi, perengi. Did you already do your pitch? yeah the fire pit oh yeah the fire pit the fire spin should be the fire spin should be here

the fire spint fire spinner here's some am i the ass here's some a's okay i bet this first one's the asshole first am i the asshole is from shelberry shelberry did you come up with that no that's her name oh i thought you were like Is that true? Shellberry is her first name? Yeah. How do you spell that? S-H-E-L-B-E-R-R-Y.

That's not a... Shellberry. Her name's not Shellberry. It says Shellberry. She's like a powder puff girl. Yeah, yeah. All right, hello. Is this...

I think she's doing the thing where she's reading their Instagram handle. But maybe that's just what I want to read, then. What if her name's like Berry Shell? Why do you need to know her true identity? but just don't try to help her don't present it like it's her name like her name's not shelberry nickname okay shelberry says hello love and bros love and rose and bros i'm love you guys are bros that was sweet i don't know if we fucked up but am i the asshole for forgetting to say happy

birthday to my best friend of 10 years when i work a high stress serving job 60s a week 10 hour shifts didn't you do that let me read this sorry i remembered once i finally saw the date and i was two days late i texted her and apologized and tried to make it up by offering to take her on a really nice dinner date but she hasn't responded and i know she never will oh what oh wow also i've done above and beyond for all of her other birthdays throwing barbecues bringing all the food and drinks and her other friends show up with nothing wait lauren can you pause for a second did she say and and i know she never will yeah crazy that is really crazy she's also never spent one of my birthdays with me but there's more yeah i can't type out feel

free to call if you need i took the give her a ring this is crazy whoa i didn't see that part when i was skimming that's crazy yes and i did do this once for my friend peyton and i felt so bad what you forgot yeah and what did we talk about that on the phone yeah we've talked about it i I just, it was weird, too, because I called her and left her, like, a five-minute voicemail on her birthday, and I didn't say happy birthday the entire voicemail. It was pretty shitty. Yeah, I... And then she surprised me for my birthday a month later, so it was pretty shitty.

That's good. Did she rub it in your face a little bit? No, she's, like, chill, so she got over it, but it was just weird, because, like, I never call her on the phone, and my subconscious knew that I had to talk to her, but I didn't know. I don't know. It was weird. Yeah.

I have an idea for these calls. Okay. We do a prank call. Sometimes I have a hard time picturing them talking. We should have a generic girl and a generic boy that's on the screen, and we look at them like that's there. Wait, that's funny. That's nonsense.

No, and when she's talking, it's that girl. Look up normal. Girls cast. Woman. Yeah. Okay, she's, no, go down. Yeah, she's that one. No, no, go up.

The red background. No, red background. Over, over, over. over yeah what pull her up and every time every time she's talking that's her on the for the video listeners okay she does that woman looks like a strawberry oh that says african woman images shellberry it's pretty hair shellberry is hot shellberry is two million three that's how old that girl is i hope she answers knee deep in the passenger seat and you're creeping me out

shell i burned the roof of my mouth like shellberry days ago hi wait you pick up shellberry you guys called it a great time i'm super hungover let's go no i'm sorry to hear it but hopefully this is gonna make it better were you drinking again and i did it again did you guys get through that i fucking got my friend's birthday two days ago yeah wait kid again it's a different yeah obviously a different person but yeah i fucked up well you did it twice dude wait can you tell us how to say your name lauren has just been pronouncing it strange um yeah shelberry oh i've been calling you shelberry i love that yes and they were like it's not shelberry and i said well that's what it says that's what it is okay break it break it

down for us a little bit okay so best friends of like 10 years um i always go like all out for her birthdays i do like barbecues i bring all the food i bring all the drinks blah blah blah i like went out last year with her and her friends and i like paid for everyone and her friends were dickheads anyways um i'm working like six days a week 10 hour shifts at this fucking shitty sushi place and i forget her fucking birthday okay but i texted her on her birthday talking about this boy that i was talking about we call him piss boy piss boy piss boy did he pee your bed um no he wanted me to pee on him oh did you do it shelberry what'd you say did you do it

yes all right we love it we love it no no that's awesome well then i was like gonna tell her that he's now dating this girl and all i do is post like bible quotes and stuff yeah so i texted her about that instead of fucking saying happy birthday oh and then i realized like days later and i was like let me take you out um you know like something nice something you have to get dressed up for and yeah i'm never never gonna hear from her again wait i don't why are you so confident you'll never hear from her again i just cause like i think she's just that way like that's insane yeah it sucks though but i did message her telling her that piss boy has a new girlfriend wait but you made like a pretty small mistake yeah if she if she's willing to

cut off the relationship after that that's insanity yeah i feel like every time i do something little like it's always like been this way in our relationship and i'm always the one trying to like be on better terms because like you know she's my friend oh sorry and i love her right yeah but yeah i think i just i think it like everything happens for a reason at this point it just sucks that i texted her about people instead of like happy birthday to her so you You made a small mistake, but she is turning this into a way bigger thing. And the thing is, too, like, she's never, I don't think she's ever spent one of my birthdays with me. Yeah, wait, what's that all about?

Yeah, it feels very one-sided. Why is it a one-sided relationship? Yeah, I don't know. Her dad recently died. It's just been, like, a shit show. But, like, yeah, I just, I fucked up. But, yeah, so, no, I just lost a friendship over that, so whatever. I actually think

if that small of a thing is that big of a deal then you she doesn't deserve to have you as a friend yeah that's whack it sucks that I forgot though but I told her about this boy's new girlfriend it's not possible

she is piss boy's new girlfriend is it oh my god thank god no that would explain it oh my god it but i was just telling the guys before we called you that i've done this too i forgot a friend's birthday responded to me about that yeah and i felt horrible but like she forgave me and everything was fine and i think that with a friendship like this if you have to walk on

eggshells for your whole relationship like that's not a true friendship like i don't know i've had i've been in this like position before yeah and her last birthday we all like went out to denver and stuff and um i brought i mean i bought like the first like few rounds for all of her friends and then i heard them like talking shit so i left and then she got mad at me that time too because i left on her birthday when there was like 30 other people there just because i like was kind of over it you know she had talked to me like six months after that yeah that's she's she sounds whack i think nta i agree yeah you're not the s you you made it you made a very small hiccup but she is she's the asshole you sound like a good person yeah don't sweat it can i let me

feel like shit right now i'm so can i ask you a question about the pee thing okay yes okay i have a little bit more scandalous things that uh to that if you really want the tea definitely but i have one i have one no let's just hear this i'm sorry i go on this tinder date with this dude jonathan and we end up hooking up blah blah blah i'm like hey how do you know my other friend johnny And turns out They were like fucking each other's ex-girlfriends At the time I didn't know this

I stopped talking to Jonathan I started talking to Johnny But his ex-girlfriend is now with Jonathan They live like a block away from each other They both have red trucks They're about 26 It was a really messy situation Wait is Johnny piss boy

Or is Jonathan Johnny so we call him Johnny number one Or piss boy yeah are you seeing him in social settings or is this a one-time piss um we were like hanging out like enough for him to like pick me up and take me to work sometimes you know i was like i met his friends we had a barbecue and whatnot and um i don't know i like don't want to kink shame but now i'd like don't give a fuck piss boy i will i can fucking dogs him right now if i felt like it but how did he how did he bring up that this was something he was interested in so i love taking

bath and i was like do you want to take a bath blah blah and then he's like would you pee on me and i'm like wait in the bath i mean if you want me to and then it gets worse it gets worse um he like took my hips and like i peed in his mouth yeah it gets way worse wow uh-huh and now he's dating like this girl and all i do is post bible quotes and this was something that he seemed to be into wait a girl that only something about a bible what do you say no all she does is post like bible quotes oh oh oh so he found yeah it goes to me after that sound god or something yeah i think he probably had to have a pretty deep talk with the man upstairs after that one and i like i've never done that before

i was nervous whatever but who am i to judge right i don't know i think you were in a pretty good position to judge wait can i ask you a question go was there any like was there any delay between when you agreed to do this and when you were able to start peeing oh 100 i was i was pee shy for once in my fucking life yeah how long were you standing there before we got it going probably like a couple minutes oh my god And were you guys just, like, having normal conversation in between then? Yeah. Like, the Mets are pretty good this year.

Yeah, never again. But this boy, yeah, I guess that's all that's on my mind when I see her instead of her birthday. Oops. I mean, it sounds like you had a lot of balls in the air. Like, I'm not shocked that you missed her birthday. If I was peeing on people, I would be pretty wrapped up in that. all right i'm just i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're not the asshole yeah okay we're gonna we're gonna break it down a little bit more but thanks for

thanks for the call that was a fun twist at the end love you my birthday's on friday happy birthday wait wait july what we'll say we'll tell you happy birthday on sunday oh happy almost birthday mine's next week yay are you a cancer no i'm a leo i'm a leo You give Leo energy. I love that. Thank you. Yes, ma'am. All right.

Well, you will hear this soon. Oh, God. Okay. So thanks for the call, girl. Thanks for... Oh, my God. You just woke me up from, like, a dead-ass sleep, too. It's okay.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so glad that that was the call I was getting, though. Amazing. All right. Have a good day. Love you guys. Bye. Love you, bye.

Love you. Whoa. I'm obsessed with that phone call. That was insane. This is like... Do you remember when Lil Sass was on? and someone's like what if like their friends listen to that yeah that was so vulnerable she's pretty open but yeah um the thought of her just standing there not being able to pee for a couple

minutes is really funny you're so especially like oh my god your brain works and you you're always pissed shy if a girl was like pee on me one i wouldn't be into it but two i would be like even if i wanted to you would have to be in the other room and then i would have to yell for you to come in when once the stream started yeah he she peed in his mouth that yeah that's crazy she didn't sound like someone who would be doing that she sounded really normal yeah i mean it was college everyone was doing that i wonder how many people you pass on the street that have had done something that strange i'm sure a lot i feel like that's not even that crazy in the grand scheme of like I haven't even come close to that

Like I haven't even been in the ballpark Of peeing in someone's mouth Yeah Hey more power to him He probably loved that shit Oh yeah Do you think he swallowed it I hope not

I fucking hope not But probably You'd get sick You're not gonna like swish it around and spit it out You'd definitely get sick Mouthwash I hope she was hydrated i hated that i hated that you hated it i love i i really enjoyed that it kind of woke me up

yeah no no it was funny just the the peeing thing yeah i mean she peed in his mouth yeah it's killer i think it's hilarious no it was funny i'm just saying i hate the visual oh yeah for her like standing over him how did the how did she aim like waterboarding him with i just don't want pee in my mouth no that's fair i don't you don't have to i don't oh really all right shelberry that was epic that was insane okay next no that was like a word that came out all right next am i the asshole is okay this is a little bit of a longer one but we're not gonna call i don't think all right what up lauren and her okay i didn't want to say this because if

Is it an insult when people say twinks? Yep. No. What? I feel like some people... Twink is like a bottom. It's like a little twink. Yeah, yeah.

I don't think... It's not an insult. I don't think we can say it. But I'll be a twink for this. She said it, so we're not saying it. Or in the twinks. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's... I didn't know, so...

Long time playmate. I always be watching the Wednesday drop at the office, and it is the highlight of the day. So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What's her name? Carrie. Carrie, happy work, happy hump day Happy Carrie

Harry Carrie day So, I've worked for my company for over a year And have quickly made many close friends To the point where we were hanging, going out And smoking together outside of work It is important to note that I'm 23 And most of them are late 30s and into the 40s This past weekend, one of the company leaders

Let's call him Mike Who I would consider myself pretty good friends with Hosted a pool party where he bartended, smoked brisket And invited everyone to bring their kids and partners the party is going so well drinks are flowing we're in the bull we're bowling we're in the pool having a killer barbecue as you all like to say when my hot co-worker let's call him oliver who i've always had a thing for and is recently single pulls out a joint oh so we are in the pool smoking the joint i rip it like i normally would both to impress the guy and also because

i'm pretty drunk about an hour later i start to not feel so good and decide to go inside get changed and chill out mike and oliver come inside and we are all talking i sit on the couch for a minute and start feeling insane like too twisted out of my mind uh mike comes up and asks how i'm doing and i say that i might throw up was mike the boss of the hot one the boss oliver's oliver's the hot one and i say that i might throw up he says no worries do what you got to do at this point i'm starting to get so unwell and i take the five steps from the couch into the bathroom and i projectile vomit all over the bathroom sink mirror floor and myself cool mind you they are in the next room and i heard everything i come out of my drunken haze and

try to clean up everything which due to the tequila my clean skills are subpar at this point i want to die out of embarrassment and mike's wife comes in and sees the room in disarray and starts cleaning it up i uber to this party and live 30 minutes away so i call my older sister Who comes and picks me up No I just I said that On the way home and I'm spiraling Thinking I'm way too high and fucked up I start to feel like I need to throw up again

So she pulls over and I proceed to pitch Perfect level throw up in someone's yard Thankfully I don't remember any of this part But on the drive home this is when we find out Trump got shot And so I was wigging out about that too And low key laughing through my panic attack I guess my question

Not that I am an asshole Because girl get yourself together but how do i approach the work crush situation now having him seen me in such a state also how do i move forward with being friends with mike i apologize profusely over message and in person but things are off ever since rightfully so random sign out that is haunting me is mike saying my throwing up sounded like gallons of water being thrown at the wall so oliver definitely heard all that too okay will thoughts sounds like you had a red hot day uh yeah i think i think you just gotta weather the storm a little bit i don't think anyone's gonna care in like two weeks

no definitely not uh you damage control is not gonna help there's nothing you can do no you you have to leave it leave it behind you did your apologizing also it feeling off is probably more in your head than you think sometimes you get in your own head and think that people are upset with you but they're actually not um i think uh an interesting way to maybe explore this is you lean into like being the bad boy of the office so like maybe you come in you're like you know wearing sunglasses yeah like you're like oh you guys hear what i did at mike's yeah be like be like big night big night last night or big night last weekend right guys and like have a laugh about it um and then you gotta you gotta you gotta own it to oliver the only thing that the

only way you're gonna come out of this looking strange to him is if you're like super embarrassed about it you have to have a healthy embarrassment about it yeah where like you're you acknowledge that that wasn't uh well you know you're proud of yeah but but don't like wallow in it um i would say maybe get mike's wife like a like a pie yeah yeah that's a nice way to apologize i uh i had a big night on new year's like a short cake yeah yeah what were you saying i was saying i had a big night on new year's at like a new you met uh you met kaylee right from you at uf she's like harper's friend oh yeah yeah so we were at her i made a fool of myself at the after party on new and then it was her like aunt's house and so we went to watch the national championship at

the aunt's house after and when we went over i apologized and i think if you just like if you're just like frank about it maybe offer a peace offering yeah uh people everyone everyone is uh thrown up at a party before so uh maybe keep it keep it uh under 100 next next office party but you gotta if there is an office party next you got to address it maybe like maybe like in a joking way be like oh i am not feeling so well yeah they're like where's your bathroom i'm gonna fucking shit all over the wall i'm gonna paint the walls in there and uh and yeah maybe bring her uh bring her something from a tart from barnes and noble oh yeah like one of their tarts in the cafe at barnes and noble um i just farted yeah i think you're fine i think

you just yeah it'll it'll it'll all brush over but it's just gonna stink for a little yeah but No, I like your idea of maybe bringing her a cake. That could be fun. Yeah, I never said cake. I said pie. But on the top it says, like, I'm sorry. Yeah, we did that. My freshman year of college, we did something mean to our RA,

and we got him like, no. Did I tell you about this? That you bullied your RA? No, it wasn't mean. It was like he put up like a, he was like starting to get into vlogging. He's like famous. He's super. Oh, Sean Rizwan.

He does the like, he started like the what song are you listening to? Oh. and he's like he has like millions of subscribers and shit but uh he was trying to get into youtube like when he was my ra freshman year and he put up a poll on his stories like what should our next video be i don't know we were like dumb like college freshman i typed out like like hot ra bangs like busty dorm mates in in like basically just like like we're at this like disgusting porn title as if like we were hooking up with him and i was like imagine and like showed it to my friend and my roommate and then he just clicked send i was like what the fuck and right before that

though we had said like make the world's largest meatball or something yeah and so then we panicked we ran to his door and knocked and we knocked and he opened it and was like i was like i'm so sorry like we were joking around i should not have said that i should not have said that he's like dude you're fine i thought it was funny like don't worry about it yeah well it turns out he had just seen the world's largest meatball one so we're like we go back we're like dude he is the fucking man two minutes later he knocks on our door and he's like yeah no that one i hadn't seen you can't do that yeah we got him a cookie cake it was like sorry for being bad like monogrammed on it and it worked we're still friends yeah nice yeah the rest is history lauren that's my this guy rocks

i don't remember what it is so we'll see oh oh okay hardy you know this guy hardy yeah he tours with more wall and he writes a lot of his songs oh what no i'm joking he just looks like oh okay so i've seen a couple of these before but for the audio listeners it is from the point of view of the girlfriend and there is uh two plates with like sandwiches and she's made him dinner he's sitting on the other end he's shirtless and he's in a cabela's hat and he looks like he's been being held at gunpoint so let's see what she has to say to him who has the best girlfriend ever i do who just bought you all this stuff she did and all the stuff

is that satire that's a joke um that has to be satire no way that's so who rocks him he rocks he's just weathering on the account he's weathering the storm of this fucking nightmare girl. Gotta be sad. She's 600 followers. She's not joking. This is a joke. That's definitely sad. Yeah, look at them there. They look normal. Yeah. Wait. But that lunch looks gas minus the... Wait, wait, wait. Play the other ones.

You don't know that she's not like that. She could be crazy. We're hung over. We're gonna voice over. Do a voice over at the end. Okay, so addressing a couple of the comments in the video, this being one of them, he is not a

prisoner. I do not hold him captive she that's funny though yeah he's definitely a bit oh because one guy oh will has the worst sources there's one comment that says he was true i feel like any any type of video like this on tiktok you know you guys just let me have one fucking thing you just believe me once i believe one thing right oh that was mean wait what'd you say what did he say he said just be right i'm right all the time and he doesn't believe me this this you're wrong about You don't know that. All right, next episode, no one's allowed to question anything.

Good. It would be a dream for once. All right, well, do you want to hear my teach me something? Well, that's not what we're doing. No, I was going to make a joke, and you crunked me off. Oh, I slacked it to Brian. This guy rocks. Why don't you air drop him, like me?

Because then I don't have to get my phone, and I just do it when I find it. All right, who's this? Goo Togs. What does he look like for our audio listeners? He's just like a really old guy. He looks like Santa Claus, and he's got a nun job. The oldest man I've ever seen.

Yeah. He has fresh white sneakers and a muscle tee. I feel like that's what Chester is going to be like when he's like 90. 100% dude you know it's not he's joking I hope that I'm like that what? you can't be like him he's not real he's joking

I don't care if he's joking it's not real okay okay and it's not funny anymore guys he's not fucking real he's fucking stupid he's not fucking real

do you know that there's worms that can talk yeah I did know that really yeah I fucking hate it here alright any more guys um no that's all for guys alright should we teach each other something

also for the playmates at home Will and I were just joking we're very good actors we were not actually mad we both went to Gileard we both went to acting college

what are we doing now teach me something here's my teach me something I got one for you you know woodpeckers so they have a tongue but it goes the opposite direction there's like a hole in their skull and they their tongue yeah i forgot about that it goes out and nuts wraps all the way around their head doesn't it act as like a it protects them because their head's constantly banging into wood it protects them

from getting concussions it like shields their head their tongue oh is that insane wait you said there's a hole in the back of their head like it's like there's like a cavity in their skull so their tongue goes like around this way and just kind of like holds it like a helmet whoa But it's on the inside of their head. Of the inside, yeah. This is so dumb. I was expecting to look it up and be like... Yeah, they're going like...

Yeah, no. I don't think you can see it at all. It's cool, though. Pretty cool, though, right? Yeah. Have you ever noticed that your grandpa has giant ears? I don't have any left, but he used to. Sorry about it.

Yeah, I don't... Maybe. Like old people, you're just like, your ears are fucking ginormous. Yes. They melt a little, right? They don't stop growing. it's the only thing on your body that keeps growing really your nose might too but your

ears especially never stop growing interesting i feel like i've heard this before that's crazy do you want to do you want to know a fun thing that you can do now they take your headphones off learn you can do this with anyone tuck your hair behind your ears uh if anytime you're talking to someone if you just focus on their nose and ears everyone starts to look like an elf isn't that crazy like focus on the nose and ears when you're looking at how do you do the nose and ears. Just like you're aware of both of them. Yeah, I kind of get it. Wait. Can we see it?

Do it to me? Do I look like one? Yeah. You look like the... Pull up the um... Pull up the elf... The prettiest girl in the world? Or girl elf from Elf. Pull up the guy with the... Oh, Zooey Deschanel? No, no, no. Girl elf from Elf.

Girl elf from the Elf. vietnam uh the this maybe shouldn't exist no i forget what was your source on this one there's a burnout one well because you are my favorite guy you get to pick do you want to do mr beast videos that don't exist first or the things that should be illegal but aren't let's do mr beast video all right these are some mr beast videos that don't exist all right now you do it so we too these are mr beast videos that don't exist perfect we've got one dollar open heart surgery versus one million dollar open heart surgery yeah this one mr beast himself gets eight different

open heart surgeries each at varying increasing dollar amounts nice and um the let's just say they botched the one dollar one i can imagine um last person to eat gets one million dollars and it just we get to truly see the human body uh his capacity to go without food that's awesome i cured 1 000 people's racism he just puts people through a series of classes that yeah kind of educate them i love that uh i don't know the title of this one but he finds out how much he has to pay a guy to do a life sentence in prison okay yeah i've always i'm curious about that like there is a price to give you to give your family oh yeah so it would be like he pays the guy like a billion dollars to serve a life sentence in prison yeah honestly uh 50 babies

versus 50 old people to the death oh wow you like it yeah um one dollar dog versus one million dollar dog so the one dollar dog is like this decrepit thing and then the other one is like just this giant thing and they put them through all the like uh what's called the westminster dog show oh yeah and the one dollar dog does not do well uh survive 10 days in full-scale combat win five hundred thousand dollars nice yeah they send a guy to war and uh it's great nice he's on like a mission did you ever watch the one that was uh i burnt down someone's house and gave them a new one i saw one where he he filled his friend's house with slime and then gave him a new house and it's like yeah but his stuff is still in there yeah also like what if i liked

that house yeah that's bullshit uh ten thousand dollars for every day you defecate in public how you go you can get up to a million dollars there we go keep pulling it off uh i have a thousand dollars for every time mr beast gets to kick you in the nuts that's good and um you would be shocked how long people will let him do it he would love that one dude that's some like sadistic shit yeah he's a fucking freak that guy scares the fuck out of me all right those are mr b's videos that don't exist i feel like one of those names needs to be the title of this episode on youtube yeah oh yeah we can do one dollar dog versus one million that would be funny if it just like blew up like oh this is titled um we were all i was also

thinking mr beast finds the price of a human life so he goes to the he goes to the uh like newborn part of the hospital yeah and he he goes i will give you ten thousand dollars they go no he just increasingly brings it up until it's a price where they cannot say no like the idea that like all all hospitals have a price no like the parents oh he's like how much for your baby yeah that's crazy to think like he can mr beast could get someone to do anything i bet i bet he could get a guy to take his own life like i'll give your family like you know yeah 20 million dollars you could hopefully it's pretty great to think about viral should we do some things that aren't illegal but should be yeah all right these are things that should be illegal having more than

a surface level conversation with the barista where you're like in line for coffee and they're like in the middle of chatting but the barista clearly has work to do and this woman won't stop asking about how their day is going completely agree uh driving before you figured out the tunes situation if you pull out of the driveway and then are trying to scramble yeah no it's like first step is figure out who's on aux get a song playing then you can pull out yep honking for more than two seconds yep we get it stop laying on the horn overkill that reminds me ty was telling me they were they were in he was in bumper to bumper traffic and the woman behind him was so frustrated with the situation that she was just laying on the horn like minutes and then it would stop for a

second they'd be like thank god then she would start doing it again ty was like people were getting out of their cars and like banging on her door being like oh my god like shut up yeah what the she just like was so frustrated she must be insanity you've never been in traffic before i guess not um calling places of business and speaking them to them on the phone it's the scariest thing of all time like anytime i have to like call a place to like figure out if they're like open or something yeah i would just i want someone else to do it yeah okay i don't mind i kind of like it because they're a robot to you you don't even know them yeah oh yeah um coffee making me have to poop before i'm home yep just wait until i'm home amen is that too much to ask

Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. Any TV remote not working for volume. Yeah. Like, I hate that there are TV remotes that I have that, like, they have volume buttons, but they don't work. They don't do anything. Like, that should be the one thing that's just, like, industry standard.

Yeah. Flights longer than two hours that don't have Wi-Fi. Yep. It's 2024. What are we doing? Or, like, they'll be like, the Wi-Fi's just not working today. I agree. Bullshit.

Bullshit. Sending anything timely in the mail. yeah i got recently i recently opened a christmas card i felt pretty bad about that one um having to actually do the plans that i agreed to like yeah i said i i said i wanted to go to dinner last night when i was hammered i don't want to do it anymore amen why do i have to see you amen the tide going out yeah it's so much further now um raising the price of the five dollar foot long as far as i'm concerned that's price gouging and they should be they should be penalized the same way that martin scrawley was yeah i wonder if there were ever meetings when they like started

that campaign of like yeah it's gonna age poorly it was like right before well no it was like right before the housing bubble they were like we're gonna ride this high forever the next week everyone was like oh we fucked up why do we make it so why do we make the jingle so catchy um and then finally this is from caitlin duff brown taking your shoes and socks off on the airplane i think that's fucking banana who doing that i don't know oh i have something that's kind of like that well not to that extent but last night at the movie theaters the guy sitting next to me took off his shoes and which i've done that but like if your feet are down he was sitting like with his knees oh and his bottom of his feet were facing me did you say anything no because he was like some dumb

high schooler there were so many high schoolers there and it was they were pissing me off how do they get in as an r yeah that's a good question i tried to sneak into an r-rated movie with my friends once in high school and it was so wait did they actually enforce that yeah i didn't think they did i got caught watching sausage party dude i tried to get into 50 shades of gray and some person came up to us and was like you guys can't be here it was so wait what i've always i've never yeah encountered that i thought that was like in the movies thing no wait what well it was in the movies alright whose personality

are you going to see on this week come back to me Lauren whose personality are you going to see on this week 13 year old Lauren why what's wrong with that

I don't know she was just fun and weird and bopping around the town and I just she was a bop I wish I still had that gusto that I had

when I was there isn't it crazy you just lose it you're just not not 13 like 11 actually 13 i was okay i don't know just like have more fun and not care yeah i'm gonna go usain bolt cool my 5k nice i'll report back how i did i'm gonna do one in that vein uh now that i'm getting

really into the bike i think i'm gonna uh like lance i'm halfway to the lance armstrong thing with the bracelets and the bicycles yeah i have twice as many testicles okay guys before we forget our good friends uh gavin mccue and zach lupica have just started a show called hold the phone um if you like sports shows this is right up your alley they're both it's live it's live they're both very funny very great guys um i one thing i heard about gavin one time was a comment that said he looks like if you drew willie d from memory so if you are you know having some willie D withdrawals, you need your vitamin D, you can get it straight

from Gavin McHugh. Tuesday and Friday, 11 a.m. Pacific. Sorry, 8 a.m. Pacific, 11 a.m. Eastern. Yeah, it's out now. It just launched last Friday. So give it a listen and check them out. Presented by the fellas at BetMGM. Alright, gangsters. We love

you. Thank you for tuning in, as always. And comment. Comment. What do you think, Laura? Your favorite memory of summer so far. Very fun. Comment your favorite memory of summer so far or in the past. And then follow it up with like a really critical review of how Lauren's doing. We love you guys.

And take it easy. Really fun hanging out with you guys. Bye-bye. For 50 years, Canadians have wondered what the names of IKEA furniture mean. like natopa the guardrail for children's beds natopa means giving your favorite person room to grow it means their safety and your piece of no in swedish not opa means night monkey mom he's back ikea 50 years of swedishness at home look he's wearing little pajamas so cute