Will & Rusty's Playdate - tragedy on the jumbotron

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

Will and Rusty debrief their epic day at the Rams game, discuss BBLs, and gaslight Lauren. They also show each other more awesome guys, and prank call madness ensues over a second-story deck. The boys share their favorite wives’ tales, draft the best playground games, and debate on whether or not their Playmates are a**holes. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod HEAD TO https://rikispirits.com/ TO FIND OUT WHERE TO GET RIKI NEAR YOU. FOLLOW @FRIDAY.BEERS AND @RIKISPIRITS TO STAY UP TO DATE WITH UPCOMING RIKI CONTESTS AND GIVEAWAYS. DOWNLOAD THE APP AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR FINANCES WITH CASH APP. IT PAYS TO GET PAID ON CASH APP! https://apps.apple.com/us/app/cash-app/id711923939 YOUR SUMMER WARDROBE AWAITS! GET 20% OFF @CHUBBIES WITH THE CODE PLAYDATE20 AT https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/PLAYDATE #chubbiespod GO TO https://amazon.com AND USE CODE 10PLAYDATE2 AT CHECKOUT FOR 10% OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF NOT BEER. ZERO CARB, ZERO ALCOHOL, AND ZERO TASTE… BEER. (00:00) Intro   (02:23) Rams Game Shenanigans   (04:42) Episode Fifty   (09:54) The Rat Dilemma   (17:43) Jumbotron   (23:56) Lady Advice   (31:30) Roadmap   (32:54) Pitch Submissions   (42:38) A Year Ago Today   (45:39) Pitches (Presented by Cash App)   (58:34) Prank Calls   (01:06:29) AITA   (01:18:20) Teach Me Something   (01:20:51) This Guy Rocks   (01:26:26) Our Favorite Wives’ Tales   (01:30:29) Our Favorite Playground Games   (01:34:00) Whose Personality are you Stealing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

play date episode 50 halfway to 100 oh is it oh my god i know sorry i was on my phone but we're back play date episode 50 in two weeks so i've been doing this for a year yeah that's actually crazy let's just take a moment to soak it all in yeah let's look around let's just 50 episodes wow wow how far we've come to think about a year ago we were just kids who had no idea what they were doing now we now we totally get it now we now we don't know what we're doing and we're making a little more money for it we're making stuff up for work now though that is cool yeah we really we really stumbled into a pretty mine yeah see like a lot of other podcasters like to talk about things that are real and we said nope boring done before yep said different

theo vaughn's already done it adam uh uh adam silver is already or no what's his name adam silver who's the guy that who's the guy that makes fun of he's like the worst guy ever oh howard stern nate silver howard stern's howard stern's the worst guy ever you didn't know this i like howard stern apparently he's like a notoriously like really really bad guy like makes people super uncomfortable makes like women really uncomfortable when they come on the show well that's a bad look he also has he also like exploits special needs people like beetlejuice and gary the blank oh my mind is i'm thinking of all the words it could be it's like it's like the N-word for people with

special needs. Yeah. And he calls them that to his face. Don't Google that, Lauren. Yeah. Alright, 50th episode, though, is a benchmark. And we told, apparently someone DM'd us and said that in a previous episode we promised

this one's going to be two and a half hours long. Did we really? Yeah, so strap in, buddy. You should see Lauren's face. Well, I'm the one that brought it up. Lauren told it to me. And then I go, oh, I regret that. Lauren hates when they're long. We're going to have to riff. Yeah.

We're just going to have to riff. I don't hate when they're long. Will and I were in. Okay, bullshit. Let's duke this out right now. I think you hate when they're long. It's more work. Just fair.

Lauren the other day was like, no one wants them that long. We were like, all the comments are saying that. Yeah, they do want. They like it. Will and I were in our little suite that our friend Karks at the Rams gave us for this preseason game yesterday. It was epic. and uh there's this guy he came over to talk or i laugh oh yeah he was a cowboys fan and he said

something about the cowboys and like will and i were kind of getting our buzz on and i like laughed at something that he said and so he came over and was like i think he was mostly joking but he was like he was like you laughing at me whatever and i was like yeah whatever and we started chatting and we kind of built this like nice rapport over five minutes and then it was one of those moments where he he set a killer line and so i went to like make physical contact being like i like i liked that whatever yeah but my hand instead of going on his back i just like we were on like stools and he was yeah it was like a weird height it was a weird height thing and i just grabbed his butt and he was like did you just grab my butt and i was like it was a lower back that he was

like nah i don't go that way i don't go that way play that shit i was like oh all right and then like left like yeah like they were talking it's it felt like he was gonna be there for a while and he after that just it was i guess i think he was totally kidding no he wasn't i think he was like i don't like that yeah um new kind of a risky maneuver but like a little okay wait first of all pretty easy way to get out of a brutal conversation just grab the guy's butt well can i just say like i don't he's at an nfl preseason game there's gonna be a little grab ass like why is yeah why else are you there like yeah what are you at the game for you're out there to get my ass grabbed Watch Stetson Bennett throw four picks.

You're going to get a little grab. You're going to get your ass grabbed. It's a preseason. My dad always said, if you drop your wallet at a preseason game, you've got to kick it down the road before you pick it up. My dad would say that about a gunkwit, man. He'd be like, what do you do if you drop your wallet in a gunkwit? I'd be like, what?

He's like, kick it to Kenny Moncourt. A gunkwit? Is that a place? Yeah. It's where all the gay people in Maine hang out. It's super chill. Oh, is that what that means? Yeah.

like you don't want to bend you don't want to bend over yeah a gunk wit it was the 80s who's number 50 oh oh yeah yeah yeah i guess the better question is who's 50 who's 50 no that's the worst yeah jennifer garner somebody jennifer garner somebody turned you think the she's okay well who's who do you think um chris chambers i can't think of one person so i'm opting out of this room make that guy up no no I don't think he was 50, though. Wait, wait, that's not my... Denzel Perryman.

Who was the first guy you said, though? Why are you... Age? What? No, I was doing the number. Oh. Oh, he's 52. He's 52.

Damn it. Well, who's 50? It'd be insane if Denzel Perryman, the guy in the NFL, is 50. Who's 50? I can tell you someone who's 50. I'm about to. And the person is...

This is harder than I realized. You hate it. Are you guys liking this? Andy Beshear. Comment if this has you on the edge. Show me Andy Beshear. There's one guy at home just like, come on, today's the day, they're going to get it.

How do you have that guy? Governor of Kentucky. How do you have that guy? I almost said Josh Shapiro. I was just thinking of the VP. He was like a VP. All right, Lauren. Who's 50?

Oh, no. What's the guy's name from? Frodo? SpongeBob. Squidward. What is the guy's name? It's Patrick. Google how old Patrick.

How old's Patrick? How old's Patrick Starr? All right. Patrick Starr. Patrick Starr allegations. He was born... He's 37. He was 50 years old.

What a strange... Andrew Luck. Oh. Who's that? Christian Bale. Very cool. Can you check out my famous birthdays and see if I'm still number two? Oh, who cares?

Get fucked. Sorry. Sorry. That was not... No, that was good. That picture never gets old. I'm the 14,000th most famous person in the world. how do you look at the boost i'm gonna pay to boost yeah oh that's how that works

definitely not you guys think it's the most popular person or the most famous person in the world taylor swift really jinx jinx oh you're right what bang who's this yeah well i was gonna say either taylor swift or salish who are either of these people who is salish the salish matter sounds like it's like a type of uh like mass yeah all right we gotta get off this yeah you can't just be scrolling okay all right uh can we talk about a gun quit more it was just like rousing the web i used to i used to clean a guy's pool in a gun quit and he would come out and you in these euphemisms i used to clean a guy's pool in a gun quit and he would watch us with his shirt off and it was awesome that's cool but he was like old enough that it wasn't weird like i think

he just was shirtless already like i don't think he's gonna be watching with your shirt off i don't think he took it off for us i think it was like early in the morning and he was like having his coffee speaking of pools i've been craving a pool party someone who's gonna have been having a hankering for a pool party i'm not having a pool who's inviting me to their pool party um ty has a cool pool i'm like your roommate sorry ty's parents oh cool pool so if anyone has if anyone wants to invite me to their anyone in the greater los angeles area um wants to kick it with lauren in bathing suits no pool necessary yeah you want to come over to my house and a pool party you don't have a pool you're asking it's more of a vibe thing yeah i mean i feel

like the pool we're so close to the beach the pool's like a non-factor of course love the beach and i went to the beach twice this weekend but it's like the pool it's god's pool lauren had covid lauren had long covid yeah what is it going on with that well it's gone how do you even get like did you have time why did you test for i tested so i had it last week and i tested because amia's friend that we went out with he told her that he had it after we went out so we must have gotten it when we were out and then i only tested because he said he had it did you have any symptoms like what does that mean now it was basically just a cold i it was honestly a very mild cold i was really tired for a few days but it just felt like a chill sickness lucas has had a cold

the last two mondays and we drank with him yesterday so i think he just doesn't know what a hangover is oh is he out today he has a cold and he was like like last night he was like a stomach cold and today was like a head cold and it was like you have a hangover yeah that's crazy that would be funny if he was like dude every time i drink i get really sick yeah the audacity that man yeah everyone in that so he just there are rats in our office for the people at home and all of the ladies are using it as it's a reasonable thing but they're all like like lauren doesn't want to work here anymore all the girls in the office sorry i don't want to get hantavirus but you guys have like you guys have like blown it like just call it what it is we

we love gaming the system as much as anyone yeah but don't pretend to us like you actually care about like you just want to work from home no it's disgusting you are worried you're gonna get hantavirus dude no i'm genuine seriously you guys comment down below we come into the office we come into the office there's rat poop everywhere for a second yeah well we are yeah but like you like you can be frank with you can be honest with us like we want you to be able to do whatever you want but don't act like you are like genuinely worried about the hanta virus and that's why you just don't want to work from home yeah that's not the only reason sorry that i want to be able to eat my food in a safe and comfortable environment i want to have coffee accessible

that i can just you can there's a coffee maker the rats didn't take that no you think they know how to work the nespresso two weeks ago two weeks ago i kid you not i'm drinking a cup of coffee and then we get a message on our Slack channel saying, oh, by the way, you guys don't use the coffee maker. The cleaning ladies found rat poop all over the coffee machine. I use it every day. I've been using it every day. There's no way it got in the coffee.

You guys are gross. This is a extremely reasonable reason to not want to work in a hazardous environment. I'm sorry. I just don't buy it. Why? I agree that it's gross, but I don't think day-to-day, you're

scared to come in. You guys think it's fine, but I don't want to work, and that's disgusting. No one wants to work in the office. That's the whole point. No one wants to work, period. No one wants to work, period. If we could work from home, we would be working from home. But if we worked from home, everyone would be like, what the heck?

Yeah, you guys have it easier than us. Where, like, if we went home, if we went home. No, just, like, that your job is, like, less, like, interacting. Yeah. Like, filming shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we don't have the opportunity to go home, but it doesn't really bother. i don't know what i'm trying to get at my point is what i'm getting at is like i want you to game

the system like i'm happy for you but i want you to privately to us on this podcast admit that like yeah you're just gaming the system it's not true you're worried i just don't i don't buy that you're like coming in like oh god i'm gonna get a hand i'm gonna get i'm gonna get this disease i learned about i agree that i'm standing my ground i agree that it's gross but you and our other co-worker who hasn't come in in two weeks Emily just went home today yeah again words getting out that you can do this

well the ladies you know the women have higher emotional intelligence than males so you're that has nothing to do it doesn't have to do with anything you woke up and you wanted to tell us that fact this kind of fits

because it's reasonable that But, like, I've actually... That's an excuse you're allowed to do, and so everyone's just going home. We can cut this out, but I want you to admit to me right now that you don't actually care and that you're gaming the system.

I do care. I just don't buy it. Yeah, I don't buy it. It's also like, you know, people are getting the itch to be at home now, and they're just making shit up. Agreed. Agreed. I mean, I used to do it in college.

I said I had COVID a hundred times. yeah this is like the equivalent of like of like uh pretending your grandma died so you didn't have to go to like a midterm yes not at all yes it's the same thing you i mean so serious the fact i don't buy it the fact you guys don't care is we care i mean it's gross yeah i'm not gonna get hant the virus you might google hant the virus what does that look like we have we have we have cleaning women we've cleaning ladies come twice a week there's not like the rats aren't out during mortality rate of 38 what yeah but that doesn't that's like people who get virus there's only 38 of people would die i think a rat would have to like poop in your mouth

oh great i guess the rat cookouts canceled oh bang they don't carry it did you she pulled up she pulled up a thing that said rats don't carry it no she just pulled up a thing that said go back go back go back click on that look can carry hantavirus deer mouse not known to carry hantavirus rat no i don't bang bang you made a hantavirus all right so now so now folks this is a hoax you can't get it from a rat lauren lauren i don't even want to look okay okay you can't get hantavirus hey lauren lauren so now you have to come up with another reason are you guys trying to blackmail me no you didn't even let me finish that sentence i was trying to blackmail you yes but well now that i know that that's an option no i'm not trying to blackmail you i just i'm

saying okay now that hantavirus is off the table what's the excuse i don't want to sit on rapu ruin my nice clothes have you shat on rapu i'm gonna i don't know if it's that bad not if you have anything to say not if you're at home i'm gonna let rats loose in your house that that seemed like too far i apologize you guys are so weird well it's just it's just i mean that that is the the icing on the cake there it's proof that people are weaponizing a virus that rats don't carry so that they can work from home you're you're the i'm not saying like it's not anything against you it's just like we yeah let's call spade a spade here people have i think caitlin started it and now word has gotten out that you can say you're worried about hantavirus and stay

home dude it's not it's not even about hantavirus well clearly now it was that was your main argument 30 seconds ago okay i don't like how against you guys are you don't like how against we are oh against me i hate when we're against um you're getting real defensive for the record we like again again we want yes you are if you cut this if you got this out i will i'll kill my that was too much this is great i'm gonna be a sad though you're gonna keep it in okay i'll keep this is like this is our COVID

hantavirus it's like kids being like I have it yeah although she also had COVID we used to which now I'm starting to I don't even think Lauren knows her disease you want me to go get my positive test you want me to cough in your mouth

when we were in college when someone had a positive test we would all take when someone had a positive test in college we would take a bunch of pictures with different angles and bank them so you could just email them later yeah that was a crazy time you guys i just keep addressing them because i know they will be on my side no they won't yes they will these are all people that these are all people that have real jobs and are probably furious let me know if you guys would be comfortable with there being rat shit all over your office

But she's exaggerating. I've never seen it. I've literally never seen any. Okay. I've seen it literally on our desk, on our chairs, in the studio. You know that wasn't Brian. Rusty, on your chair. Yeah, but the cleaning women come twice a week now.

The rats are nocturnal. They are. One time I was here at night and I saw one. Who knows if they're scurrying across these desks. Yeah, they probably are. They probably are. They're humping your keyboard. Oh.

I'm not talking about this anymore Oh man Oh my god Dude Will and I Will and I have had this Shift key Yeah What?

Will and I have had one of those Like giggly hangover mornings Today that's Yeah we parted it up yesterday Yeah And you grabbed that guy's ass Ah I grabbed another guy's ass Dude there's that

I was on the I was on the jumbotron Twice We What'd you do? We The first time was both of us Did you dance?

Will was There was a like a maracha maraca what is a racha it was a sriracha band no mariachi mariachi band playing and then will was just in the background pretending to take a really important phone call and then it cut away and then it cuts back and he's dancing and then it cuts away and then it cuts back again and he's back on the important but we can put the video right here it's so funny he did a video it was pretty good um yeah it was like they're like playing this like happy mexican music and then it looks like will like got like his like grandma died or something

what I was trying to think of a bad one I was trying to think of a bad I didn't make the connection I was trying to think of like a bad phone call again I'm sorry no I don't care rest in peace yeah that is crazy though rest in power uh what it was also the one the first time I was on the J-Tron uh it was both of us and the guy was like pointing the camera and I started like dancing and then he was like oh yeah yeah and so he's pointing like right at me and I'm like doing this and then he's like one second keep going i was like okay and i'm like doing this for like five whole minutes and he's like once keep going keep going we're about to get close and uh yeah i was like i'm getting exhausted and he was like just hang on it's almost and

and then eventually they did there were these nba players that had the uh table in front of us in the suite and they brought like their girlfriends and we were like I thought I just felt something fall on my head Whoa I thought you were There's a rat like pulling his pants down He's like fuck you I thought you were imitating what you were doing at the game

Oh no Will and I were talking like That's kind of the dream Just like you and two of your buddies And then like your hot girlfriends are like watching the game They all had like big butts It was sick Freak

Oh Is that too much? Now I'm on defense mode I didn't look at their butts We literally talked about one of them One of them was like One of those butts were like That is just

One of them stood up and woke us That was almost too much No but like Like in a way that it was like I think it was like It was like threatening BBL BBL

BBL It was definitely a surgically done butt To the point that I was like i don't even get why you like that must be a nightmare to like sit on it yeah i don't know must be a nightmare to get sat on um i remember when i was a kid i remember when i was this is really gross but i remember when i was a kid not like being worried being worried about like my future girlfriend having like too big of a butt that like i wasn't gonna be able to like

even like uh like i wouldn't have enough like uh runway what is wrong with you this is like a real fear of mine i think i wrote down something this what was this in like middle school i have actually like i didn't think my penis was gonna be big enough yeah well i mean oh you got it you understood what i was saying yeah that makes sense for you i don't have a big penis uh how big is yours willie's trying to how big is my penis yeah oh god i'm getting some dicks

huge it's massive mine's the length the last time i measured it was with an iphone 4s oh do you remember i used to yeah it was the same length you're like google like the oh no i was yeah yeah i would google the dimensions of how long is my iphone yeah being like it's exactly that long but i would have to press my phone into my groin a little bit to get like an extra little yeah yeah those were the good how do we get here this is like a fever dream episode what if we were like you were like yeah you used to measure with the ipod nano mine you're like mine's the same size as a 5s i'm like mine's the same size as a shuffle yeah i don't have any you ever seen simon birch uh no who's that simon burger it's like uh there's

this movie and it's these two like teenagers in maine and one's like a dwarf and one's like a normal size boy and they get in the really uh cold water and he goes my it's so cold near my balls are like raisins and then simon goes mine are like babies babies it was like a good quote like that for like a gun yeah so what else is oh wait no i was there's something i was thinking of that you did oh earlier today he was he made me laugh um i'm trying to remember what you said you said something really funny it was about the draft or about the pitches he's like i don't know Like, if we get one more today that's like, like, we were going in to get ready for the pod, and he's like, if there's one more pitch about a little guy, I'm going to fucking lose

it. Like, I don't even know what we're doing. Okay, I'll stop doing little guys. But we don't even get the... What's not you? I mean, I guess you're the... It is kind of your fault. Oh, we got a lot of...

I think the prank thing is our new thing. Yeah. I think the funniest part about the prank from last week was just there was no prank. Yeah. We did a real phone call. We should do it again. We have one today. Do we have some today, Lauren?

yeah we um i think we're gonna do the deck one i want to do which is gonna be the it's gonna be the same yeah exactly hey there sir i'm calling from the county well what what what stays at florida yeah do a florida floridian accent ja rastafari i'll be the cool uber driver from jamaica yesterday yeah dude after you left we had a heart to heart you were kind of already having one i was pretty tuned out but you guys were yeah toe to toe he was giving me lady advice his advice seemed kind of dicey. I feel like it would only work for a guy that looked like him. He was like a handsome

guy and he was like yeah women he's like women love it when you maybe doing his accent's a little dicey I don't know. I feel like Jamaican Jamaican's like enough. Yeah. He was like he was like he's like women love it when you don't respond for days

and I was like I don't know if that would work for me and then I texted Lauren and I was like should I do this? And Lauren was like absolutely not and then mia was like uh yeah i love when guys do that really yeah she was like it drives me crazy that's not what she said what did she say she said well she just said yes but we should tell oh yeah we'll bleep his name i made he's a killer guy we made me a hinge last night i don't know well could we put the american idol logo over his over your mouth and when yeah should i get on him willie can i help you make a hinge yeah i used to have one but

why don't you just i feel like you're good at meeting people in the real world in the real yeah i mean that's that's that's the strategy i've been working on for a while now I don't know When was the last time you Met a Talked to a woman Romantically Like

In earnest Like As opposed to like joking Like a Kissed a girl That I met that night Kind of thing Or like

Oh kissed yeah When was the last time you kissed a woman Oh I don't know A month ago Oh nice And we're back after talking about something we shouldn't have yeah um guess what we talked about guess what we talked about in the comments it was insider trading insider you're giving each other insider

training um i had something on my mind it seems like you keep saying this but you won't tell us what it is i know i can't fucking remember what do we do on saturday we went to the venice beach bar and we played president all day and then i left early abruptly yeah um i have something to say please we haven't all gone out together in a while i know i know i've been well you had long covid you had a long covid we were taking bets last week on whether you were gonna go out after being oh no i work all week i had one i had one drink of alcohol oh higher we're back you're back on the wagon yeah i uh i was telling will like like even though we're adults it still feels like you have to abide by that rule where like your mom would be like if you stay home from from school

then you can't hang out with your friends after and we were like okay lauren like you stayed home sick all week like we if you went out i would have like given you shit no i didn't i didn't see on someone's instagram story you were having a drinky poo yesterday that was with me i was all better yesterday but i didn't see anyone else besides her all week and saturday went to the beach by myself had a lovely day frogged in the waves sounds like you were really fighting covid no well i just said i was no i just said i was better by saturday he had like i was somehow had more energy i was very sick like tuesday through thursday and then i was good so who's this who's this prankster that is still walking around with covid what do you mean the guy that

gave it to you oh well he's better now he didn't i didn't ask if he was better i asked who he is So how did he know he had COVID I don't know I would just be sick Yeah I wouldn't make a big stink of it I know I'm going to Charleston next week Oh fun

And I am going to Maine And I'm going to Texas Really? What a strange lie I think it was like a little diddly I just wanted to live I'm going for my fantasy football draft and i'm very excited and i'm going just for the miles

wait what you're going there for the drug what does that mean like my i'm gonna go do it it's like i could do it online but my friends who live in charleston are all gonna be doing it in person that was that was like shorts asmr i got all the crunching there you go crunching I saw a news article that made me laugh. It was from the local paper in Charleston, and it said, New Mexican restaurant. Oh, yeah, this was good. Set to open in Charleston or something.

And I was laughing because it looks like New Mexican. It would be like Albuquerque themed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's good in New Mexico? What's good there? What's good there? What's good? I've heard El Paso is cool, or Santa Fe is good.

Yeah, I heard that as well. santa fe i think the abq is pretty sketch um that was awesome what abq oh yeah albuquerque yeah that was awesome yeah why there are some town there are some places that their abbreviation makes no sense like nantucket is ak like the airport one yeah yeah that too well what else it would be like you would think it would be like nan or something but i mean like nan yeah what who's making that if not the airport i don't know so the reason where would you see that act is like a known thing like people have like stickers on the back of their car and that means like nantucket like obx outer banks uh portland i learned this i always wondered why it was pwm it's because on

the way in you go through portland and then westbrook so for the pilots they're like pwm got it yeah that makes sense should we hear some pitches lax what's the x for xylophone and we're burn all right people we have officially partnered with ricky to bring you the best canned alcoholic beverage on the market ricky was created to finally give the world a premium spirit-based drink Ricky has made with award-winning vodka or tequila and just a little hint of that thirst-quenching fruit that we all love. Each can, it's only 130 calories. There's no added sugar. All natural fruit juices. Ricky has 7% ABV, which is a lot more than its competitors. That's talking one and a half shots in a can, two and a half shots in a tall boy. Guys, if you're

math people, 12-pack is a full bottle, 24-pack, two bottles. Not to mention, the price is a lot better too the reason it's so good is because it's real liquor and real fruit juice none of that malt liquor nonsense that none of us like it leaves that weird aftertaste in your mouth and it stinks i'm drinking ricky liquor got me feeling sticky oh what you missing i'm dream that was lovely this weekend will and i are going paddleboarding and the only thing better than paddleboarding is ricky so you best believe i'm bringing a pack of that lime brother head to rickyspirits.com to find out where you can get Ricky near you. Follow

at friday.beers and at rickyspirits to stay up to date with upcoming Ricky contests and giveaways. Let's get back into the episode. I'm drinking Ricky. Roadmap. Get zung. Oh yeah, should we roadmap? You know, my buddy Jack Nacy's in Outer Banks.

Cool. His torso is in one scene in the fourth episode. Oh, in the show. we were like why do we care where your fucking friend Jack Niecy is

Jack Niecy's in the show Outer Banks for one second he's like why just it's a background guy he was like an extra in like

there's like a scene where they have like a movie outdoors trying to figure out what framing his he was just like they were like everyone just like

walk around and he like walked in front of the camera but it was like he was close enough yeah alright let's road map it up

shall we Guys, we have some of your pitches followed by our pitches presented by Cash App. It pays to get paid on Cash App. That's usually my line. Stepping on your toes. Lauren, do we have any Am I the Assholes today? We do. Wait, aren't we doing prank calls first?

Okay, never mind. We're going to start with prank calls. We're very excited. Then we have Am I the Assholes followed by Teach Me Something followed by everyone's Everyone's favorite segment, This Guy Rocks. And then Will and I are going to draft playground games that don't exist and old wives tales that don't exist. It should be a lot of fun.

Lauren, let's hear our first pitch. All right. It's a little guy who reorganizes your freezer. How do you know? It's a little guy who eats your freezer. Okay. First pitch is from Drew. Wait, I thought we were doing the prank calls.

What happened? we switch it up oh oh you want to do prank calls before everything right now that's gonna throw that's okay okay i was just pulling it up okay no i i thought that's what we said i don't care i don't care i'm sorry i am having a freak out i'm having a freak out i'm having a freak out okay thanks and that's gotta have around in a crisis having a freak out i'm having a will and i were uh when i were talking about our ball shirts your ball shirt

no this is not going to translate yeah it was funny in the moment but like it's like you see my ball shirt and you're like

they're called boxers I told you it wasn't going to work loved it what was the context it was so funny 20 minutes ago yeah I don't know

it was like one of those things we still want like a ball bag maybe like a reef fart what You're walking a dangerous line With Reefheart You're playing a game

Wasn't that something we were laughing about earlier too? A Reefheart Can you Reef Alright, you guys ready? Who's ready? Oh great There's a bunch of Reefharts just walked in It's a bunch of guys like

farting into each other's butts and then farting it back out. All right, sorry. That was so foul. Oh, God. I hope no one ever farts into my butt. That is such...

We're just going to pretend like Saturday night didn't happen, right? That we shared a pretty special moment. All right, I'm sorry, Lauren. Let's hear your fucking pitch. Okay.

We're having fun. I know. I love to see you guys have fun. I love that you do. no i do you hate no i love it you want us to we're gonna get a slack from lauren later today that's just like i edited it is it cool if i edit that whole part out yeah you better keep in the refart thing that was gold i will okay first pitch from drew drew m drew mongo he says have you ever felt a lack of appreciation or not appreciate the tone

in which your significant other speaks to you yes yeah oh is it you're waiting for me to answer I haven't I love my wife dearly but in case you're not as lucky as me I introduced to you the spousalator I don't know how to say it spousalator definitely spousalator definitely spousalator I can't imagine it's like a humanoid

spouse monster oh no it's spousalator it's like this fucking bitchy wife with like three heads and she's like eating each other it's a small she throws a casserole at you it's spousalator oh my god

we are on a fucking fire it's a small oral device installed consensually into your spouse or taken the fact that he has to say it's consensual oral? yeah oral?

nevermind like the kind of saying like bewitching like that kind of thing wait what was the thing people were saying our feet were touching yeah you guys like to touch toes i didn't notice that yeah you touch toes all the time like half the episode usually oh that's funny i don't even know like this like i think you're just drawn towards each other yeah it's certainly not that all right can i finish fine fine okay also oh wait i gotta say something though i do have to interrupt you in one on one of our wavelengths there was like we got like you know those videos we do those viral videos um we

we like we're celebrating that we were doing good and we're like you're like we're goaded i was like yeah we're going we're we're cracked or something and then the comments that one of the top comments was you guys aren't cracked you're in love that's funny it's true somehow that was that was a real ordeal to get out of my mouth it's funny it's okay uh me after a big night on the town me after a hot date night me me oh that was a kind of me after installing the spouse okay i'm gonna finish this all right so when i'm an orthodontist and i'm taking my own braces off that was a real ordeal to get out of my own mouth taking my own braces off sounds fun it's a small oral device installed consensually into your onto your spouse or taken

in pill form still in development i'm high level but like to stay boots on the ground lovely that filters all negative feedback into a happy chipper disposition instead of what kind of moron forgets to take out the trash with the spouse later you hear i just love how dedicated you are to your craft and you're so handsome so i see how menial menial menial tasks can fall by the wayside it's okay you'll get the west like the way you said wayside was like you also didn't know that word so i was making a joke oh i am on fire manial i'm gonna shut up this eliminates small-scale confrontations and frees up more time to develop a loving relationship and build a happy home that probably smells sometimes but it's cool find domestic bliss with the spouse later my only

worry is like she's like she's not able to tell you because in that context you the trash wouldn't end up getting taken out because yeah you would think that she's just complimenting you and she's like i'm really having a hard time getting through to will yeah i feel like this would this would cause some issues i also i just i don't know if it's practical like i don't know how that would be made like i just feel like we got to have some basis of reality for these coming from the guys whose last one was something. Spinning fire pit? That was a good one. Yeah, that was killer.

No, I'm kidding. I like spousal. I just like, I picture her like yelling, being like, oh my god, no, like just take out the trash. And he hears like, yeah, you're doing great. You're lovely. Watching baseball. Well, no, it's still gonna, the request is still gonna come through. Oh, okay.

It's gonna be in a kind way. Got it. Oh, then I love it. Yeah. Alright, let's kill it. I would put one on you. You're a white ass. You would want to put one on my ass? All my farts are like, you look nice today. But in reality, it's like, wait one second. In reality, it's like. And then it's like, you smell really good today, Will.

Were you looking up a fart? No, I have. How do you pull that up so fast? Because on Spotify, I have a song saved called A Thousand Fart Noises. For moments exactly like this. you engineered it what yeah it was the sound and i just read the word engineer i got this guy he told us the county oh beautiful all right let's yeah stay on task stay on i am on all right so thank you drew mungo thank you drew next one is from vinnie vinnie then i hopefully we didn't

read this one either what is the worst part about having friends um you have to there are people that yeah that you can let down oh that's good that's good uh they i don't know yeah you can let them down well he says when they catch you red-handed in the most embarrassing lie you've ever told oh yeah introducing my buddy eric my buddy eric is a service that backs you up when you are trying to spread deceit and misinformation for example imagine you were telling an awesome story that is 80 false and your best friend of 10 years calls bullshit and everyone starts laughing at you eric is here to help simply say i'm dead ass my buddy eric was there and you're home free when your friends

call this mysterious eric to see if you're capping a representative who knows everything about you will answer back up whatever lies spewing from your mouth don't believe me call my buddy eric at 202-834-6096 and he will set you straight can we call that number and see if that's him Yeah, but also, I'm pretty sure this is the exact plot of the movie Ricky Stinicki. Oh, oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, I knew that sounded familiar. You know, Ricky Stinicki, the script has been bouncing around since, like, the 80s, apparently. Yeah, I heard that.

Yeah, I love that. I lie all the time, so that would help. Do you really? No. No. But do you remember that, like, Blue Eyes one? Like, I could just be like, my buddy Eric has the... Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

That's, like, the first thing I, like, remember learning about you. That was one of the first... One of our first interactions. First episodes, yeah. Was that, yeah. Oh, yeah, and... Because it was before we recorded, and I was like, oh... Oh, that's crazy.

Can you believe we did 50 episodes? I feel like it's been more. Oh. No, it's been this exact amount. No, but it just feels like it's been more than that. Oh, yeah. But we've done every week consistently, right? So, like, 52 would be exactly...

Yeah. We didn't... We've almost... Lauren, we probably... No, we didn't do one over Christmas or something. Oh, yeah. Or wasn't there one of... oh no but it's still been 50 weeks we've always released september 18th was our first day i

remember it was our first so lauren you and i probably met like today a year ago yeah interesting wow um yeah because i would have just gotten back from amsterdam yeah i i started no it would be like three days from now that's crazy and i was living a year ago today i was living in will angus's house yeah no i was actually i was living in the office at this time last year i remember that i was like why is this kid sleeping on the couch i didn't have a place i didn't my lease didn't start until september 1st so i was just that's so nuts i still can't believe you did i actually had a blast that sounds horrible i would sleep in here probably that i think i should have done but i would sleep would you close the door if you were sleeping in here yeah i don't know

i'd be scared actually why it's too small so dark in here too like when because it's like there wouldn't it be scary if the door was open i don't know i would just probably lock it actually all right should we not people can i talk about yeah something i would sleep here like on the couch but like i was i had to get up and shower and do all my stuff before anyone got here did they know you were doing it no i didn't tell anyone they caught on like after a couple weeks but i because i didn't know if they would let me and i just like needed a place for like three weeks and i was like i might as well just fucking there wasn't anyone you could ask like there were like a few people that offered but it was like yeah but it was like a long enough time period

too that i was like that would have felt like kind of an imposition you should have done like a week at my house a week at angus's house a week at liam's yeah but it but i just remember like a few times someone got there mad early and i was like oh and uh did everyone think you were just like grinding the first couple weeks you were here i think so yeah i was like first guy last guy out but it was kind of fun it was like i had like a sick apartment on abacini it was before the rats and bugs and stuff yeah um well did you hear the did you hear why we have rats you can't tell anyone this this is not this is i've heard this so do i have to cut this out no no i don't think it's like there's a oh there's a prank no no this is like this is a true story

but basically lucas would lucas left all his burritos that he was meal planning in the edit bay and left the window open and the rats came in ate all the burritos ate all of his adderall and so we think that we have like a cocaine bear situation where they like are like hooked on adderall so they also ate joe joe had like mushroom chocolates on his desk and they ate the whole bar it's like one rat like literally saw like the face of god so half the rats are adderall the other half-rod mushroom and this was like three months ago yeah so funny to think about like that makes sense no but that i i don't buy that that's the cause of it i think it definitely didn't help like i think they're the rats are rats they're gonna get in here one way or another

i don't want to talk about the rats crazy oh why because you're worried they might give you a heptavirus i just they make me queasy let me give you a hepatitis all right are we doing are we doing your guys's pitches presented by kasha yeah yeah should we do our pitches with my kasha yeah welcome to the pitch sesh presented by cash app it pays to get paid on cash app there we go all right uh will you want to pitch me first boy do i ever all right here it is ready remote control suitcase oh i thought you're gonna say oh you said like oh like like you just heard like a fire beat or something yeah that's nasty she um i didn't like that those it really you sassy this is my impression of the rat on Adderall this is my impression

of um Dick Vitale okay oh baby it's a diaper dandy pretty good pretty good this is my impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger oh this is get to the chopper this is Rocky from Rocky yo Adrian take them glasses off I'm Rocky from Rocky do you think that Adrian was special needs I don't know I don't actually think I've ever seen the movie

Jesus Christ it's like at some point it feels I think it was like sweet in the 70s or whenever it came out you know how your grandpa is like she wanted nothing to do with me I was just persistent

yeah it's like but when you watch it play out in rocky it's like maybe just leave adrian alone dude she she's like clearly has i think her dad says that she has like some deficiency it's like a mr f type situation from arrested development yeah kind of mr f all right should we oh tell me about the remote control suitcase oh yeah i i will um so it all started when i will I'm not rusty you rusty I was in New York City last Monday

sorry last Sunday and I was going getting on the subway with my suitcase and I made the mistake of like I like scanned my thing

and I didn't really think about it I just like pushed my suitcase through the turnstile but then I was stuck on the other side of the turnstile but I was still holding my suitcase across the

so I had to like climb over it and it was really awkward and that was kind of the inspiration so that's a very niche that's not going to happen to everyone

obviously but I think there's a lot I can't even remotely picture the predicament you found yourself in. So you pushed it forward. I pushed the turnstile with the suitcase. Oh, oh. And then I got locked, and I was on the other side of it. Jaw feel.

Jaw totally feel. Jaw feel. So then I was thinking about, it'd be nice if I could just have a remote control suitcase. So that is definitely a very niche use case. But I think that it would be nice for, like, when you're in the airport, there's a setting where it just, like, kind of stays next to you. Yep. So it's just, like, going alongside you.

and then you don't have to roll it and then what i'm also thinking is like when you land you can go get your car or whatever and then you can just have it get up off baggage claim and roll out to you well what if someone scoops it up i feel like rule number one rule number one at the airport is never leave your baggage unattended i do it and so if but if it was moving and maybe if someone would be like i feel like that would like uh that would draw way more eyes it sprays like paint or custard if someone else grabs it or custard some guy's really hungry he's like um custards are crazy i don't understand how the remote i don't know how this would help you in that turn thing situation because he would just like he would oh yeah how is that gonna save you

mr busted oh no it's because you would just go through first and then it would go under the turns though yeah maybe it can like contract and get really small and jump jump easy it can ollie uh yeah yeah so that's a home run ticket idea i mine today i actually think i want to do i think someone could do this and make a lot of money are you wait i don't understand the implication i want to make you actually want to do it like you you don't think i actually want to do remote control suitcase i don't think you want it as bad all right let's find out it is a subscription-based uh travel right so a lot of people they want to travel the world they want to travel the world but they don't have the time they don't have the money they can't

leave work we send the places to you right so every week or month you can set it to whatever you want you get a new part of the world so give me give me a random country or part of the world uh bulgaria france all right so lauren you got a big text you gotta send right now you don't want to hear my pitch i'm listening who are you texting yeah no let's do it if you're no yeah yeah this is this is our new rule every time you pull out your phone you have to tell us who you're texting texting caitlin she sent me cute videos of gus in the pool i'm glad she's working hard that's yeah sounds like she's really darling sounds like she's uh taking advantage of this whole Fanta virus. She's in the Bay Area still.

That's not what it makes it look like. If anything, that's like worse. What does that mean? Like she's... Oh, she was so worried about the rat poop she went to a different city. Okay, I'm sorry. Continue. Oh, she was at Outside Lands? I saw videos of Chappie. Yeah, it looked sick.

So, France. You would get in the mail a box, right? You open it up. There is a QR code that scans it as French music, right? we set the tone it is a french movie in there it has all the ingredients to make a french meal it has a candle that maybe has french smells and then it has a little it has a little yeah pass on that yeah it has uh and then it has a little outfit that you can put on that's like

maybe in this scenario it's like a striped shirt and so you can that's fun you bring france to you give me another country bulgaria africa wait africa that's a continent Chad Chad okay pick one I know more about Morocco

I knew you were beating Morocco okay you would what would you get for Morocco I would get a India

carpet that flies no oh and also it has so for France you would maybe there's a little shaker

with all the ingredients for a French cocktail as well okay Doesn't that actually sound kind of cool? Oh, this is great. Yeah, that's not fun. I feel like that might exist.

Have you looked it up? No. But I do have a subscription that sends me snacks from around the world, so maybe that's kind of where I go. Really? Oh, wait. I've heard of this. I'm pretty stoked about it.

What is this called? Did you get it? No, my first one actually comes... It should have come... I gotta go. It should have come two days ago. Don't say the name. Maybe they'll sponsor us.

Yeah. If you're listening and you work for said snack company, I'm currently paying for it monthly. maybe maybe we talk about it weekly and jackie doesn't have to pay anymore and and i also say the brand of underwear i like to wear if they sponsor me it feels it feels like they sponsor every other podcast but i think we had them for like a little bit we i've been trying to get they pitched to them maybe i really want them it feels like feels like we'd be a home run i literally i'm wearing them now wait and then you'd be able to like show them because you're basically already

like showing your gooch well like you guys people just always comment about perennium are people like like i don't understand like people like like drink every time rusty flashes the camera then i'll go and look and it's like is is a little bit of my underwear flashing some people are really i just think this setup is ass like yeah but i was talking with emily about it for the new office and she was like i want to do i want to have it be like a big table like i would do not like the idea of being at a table oh i don't like that either yeah table yeah i think like with the tony p episode yeah that was ass that was horrible we need to be we need to be sitting these these just need to be bigger chairs in the camera i don't want i don't want them to be slippy too

like these ones i always end up like yeah all right would you invest in my idea yes i would i'm asking for a legitimate investment yeah i would i think i'm gonna try it i'll give you $40. Also, if anyone takes that fucking idea, I'm gonna, that's all I have, so don't. No, I love it. What would you call it? Or actually, don't say the name. Keep it a secret.

That was a good bailout because he had no clue. Yeah. Worldly. Outer worldly. You know, we're going to Oktoberfest in Germany this year. Yeah, we keep just like speaking of a new existence. We heard about it once.

I should come. Yeah. I don't think it's real. I don't know Well if it is real I should go Yeah We were reached out to By a brand About going to

Octoberfest in Germany Spain It was like It was Italy Switzerland And Germany Oh yeah It'd be sick

For ten days It'd be sick Alright We had really different We got There was like a list of like What trips It was like

Let's go to South America And I was like Or Africa And I was like Those sound like Literally the two last places I would want to go Yeah

I guess we were on different Okay stop stop stop Stop And those were the pitches Presented by Cash Appet Pays. I feel like going to the Chilean Patagonia would have been cool. Gag me with a spoon.

Yeah, he was like, absolutely not. Doesn't that sound cool? Not really up my alley. What about? I want to go to Spain, Italy, Switzerland, Amsterdam. Those are like my top. I did Amsterdam last summer and it was sweet. I want to go to Amsterdam.

I damned it up. I went to the red light district during the day just to see. No, I didn't go in. Nice. But we have a co-worker here that told me he did. And he said it was really awkward. Really?

Yeah. Do they actually have sex on... That's what you're talking about, right? Like on command, yeah. On command? No, but isn't that like what the shows are? No, no, no. They're not.

Oh, they do that too. That's a sex show. We're talking about like prostitutes. It's illegal. They like stand in the window and you just like go by and pick what one you want. Oh, whoa. I didn't know about that. But we went during the day and it was so sad.

Yeah, it's depressing. I also think it's like... It's a lot of people. Even though it's like legal prostitution, yeah, it's like a lot of human trafficking and stuff. So it's like pretty unethical. You're not supposed to do it. Yeah. But you can if you want.

All right, guys, let's take a minute to talk about Cash App. You probably know Cash App as the place to send people money like when you need to settle up with your buddies after a night out on the town. We are here to tell you that Cash App actually has a lot more to offer. Don't overlook Cash App like you were overlooked back in high school. Cash App is the place for a faster, simpler way to manage your money. you can start saving with as little as $1 as there are no minimum balance requirements. With Cash App Savings, you can get the most from your money

with no hidden fees and no account fees. Cash App gives you control over your money. Get control over your money like I get control of all the zoo animals and storm them out and start my own zoo. Lovely. I couldn't have said it any better myself. Download the app and take control of your finances with Cash App. Join the millions who already manage their money with Cash App and start saving today.

Make the most out of your money. It pays to get paid on Cash App. This podcast is brought to you by Chubbies. When I was in high school, Dosher used to wear Chubbies, and they looked cool. And I never really got into it because I didn't know if I could.

But now I've kind of had my eyes opened because they sent us some pretty cool stuff. They have these lined swim trunks that are awesome, and they're versatile. They could be like shorts, too, if you want. The Friday shirt. oh yeah i like that it's like super super soft yeah it's like it's like i'm getting hugged by a shirt we all know the saying look good feel good play good we also know that there's nothing more

attractive than confidence that's why i wear chubbies they're the most comfortable apparel brand that always has me feeling my best it's near impossible to wear chubbies without being filled with that sense that life is truly beautiful awe-inspiring and a mystery with no fixed destination so why not look good and feel good along the journey guys chubbies offers a huge variety of quality men's apparel please check them out check out their original stretch shorts they got four inch in series five and a half and sevens so you can look however you'd like if you're a lady listening get your man some chubbies this summer and make sure he's looking good promise he's gonna thank you and would you look at that folks for a limited time our friends

at chubbies are giving our listeners 20 off with the promo code playdate20 at checkout at chubbiesshorts.com that's 20 off your order with the promo code playdate20 support our show and tell them we sent you embrace the freedom to move the confidence to shine and the style to stand out with chubbies let's get back into the episode should we do some pranky calls plank calls yeah let's do that let's call that one guy you do the porch one yeah all right what's your name wait no let's keep michael from the you're michael from the permitting division of the hi i'm michael from the what was it permitting division of the building department yeah well let's see what he's he said okay hillsborough county florida is hot water for constructing

a deck on the second story of his house without proper permits he just got some things finalized with the county oh so he's already had contact with the county yeah but you could say something the effect of that engineer you found on fiverr just isn't gonna cut it yeah so it's how would they know that hi i'm michael from michael from the permanent division of the building department and i just wanted to touch base with you we looked into the engineer that you had hired and he does not have the proper qualifications to be like you like question his like his like uh degrees or what if I say like what if I say like

the deck has to be bigger no it has to be real the deck has to be real no no like that sounds too like fake I like that

I like that the first one you did was just like a real call yeah alright yeah so give him a ring one second I'm trying to make my

change my phone number again do you want to do this one sure I'm not I think yeah I need to have my own name like you're Michael

from the building kevin i'm kevin kevin how's this kevin from the can you pull up the can you write that down for me lauren the building kevin from the building department of the permitting division of the building department i'm like nervous now i know i got nervous that's why i asked you to do it i got the jitters is prank calling illegal no no really you're gonna get arrested Holy shit. Oh, we are viral. All right, here we go.

Here we go. Come on, Jack. Put it close to the, yeah. I'm so nervous. Hello? Hi, is this Tom? It is. Hi, Tom.

This is Kevin here from the Permanent Division of the Building Department here in Hillsborough County. Do you have a minute to talk? sure so uh we've been kind of communicating with you about that porch that you built or the deck that you built on your house yep so unfortunately we ran some of the papers and uh here in hillsborough county we uh aren't allowed to have decks on the second floor so we might have to send a guy out and bring it down to the first floor if that works for you do you have space for it down there um i only have a two-story house and there was a previous patio that's there and so it would it be a problem if we just covered it right up

what do you mean so unfortunately here in hillsborough county they're they're building standards and uh we didn't get the proper permitting to have it on the second floor so we might have to bring it down and come cover the patio oh my god no I'm muted hi are you there Tom hello hi

who the fuck is this we're just getting we're getting you hang up no you come and see who the fuck is this fuck I'm sorry

I couldn't get it together no that was so funny if we come down and cover it right up he was like my house is only two stories wait so that was his buddy that told us to call him well i grab your mic oh sorry oh man i couldn't like i like had to like my face into the couch i couldn't fucking oh my god my heart was going so fast my heart was going so fast holy shit that was funny do

guys want to call another person sure yeah okay what if we call this person and tell them that their apartment is infested with cockroaches jesus or or this girl says my sister just got a cap it didn't add it to her lease please be her landlord oh that's good like hi we saw we looked through the window and i saw a cat that's funny that's funny you have a fucking cat will you have to you have to act like do we know her landlord's name crunching because you would have to be from Or we could say that it's like the landlord's You're like from his office Or I'm the neighbor

I'm gonna tell the landlord Wait that's funny Do that Who is this Did I also have a southern accent Wait wait Will what if you said What if you were like do you have a cat And she says no

Oh thank god because You found a dead cat On her thank god hi there uh i work for the property manager should i not maybe i don't have an accent you know i think we always have to have an accent but should i do a different one yeah you're dave i'm dave from the problem like we wouldn't be like these two have both been in the south oh yeah it's like plausible that hi there i only have southern hi i'm from the permanent what about like new york new york like a new york accent i'm from the per wait should i

say permitting division no no you're uh this is owen with the property management company with uh yeah owen and i sound like this owen what's up okay owen you just you do your normal voice hey i'm from philly do that hey this is owen with the property management company that's like the most prank call voice just do your normal voice for this one it's either southern accent or no does hey hey maybe you're kind of gay hey hi there uh my name is owen i'm with the it's like owen's like not a grown man name it's like why is this like baby boy hey i'm owen with the property management building company perfect i'm owned at the property management company uh

We got a few eyewitness reports. I think you just go with it. We got a few reports. All right, call. Okay. Do you have a cat? Do you have a fucking cat? Oh, his brother said I was in the car with him, LMAO.

Oh, that's so funny. Oh, that's so funny. Dude, he was probably like, there's no way this is happening. Made him sweat it out for a few minutes. He was very concerned about the dick. After hearing that call, then being like, I think that guy means business. It's pretty funny. Right.

I'm calling. You're like. I got it. What's up? And it's not on the lease. Your call has been forwarded. Leave a voicemail. The person you're trying to reach is not available.

at the tone please record your message when you have finished recording you may hang up hi this is owen with the property manager no well it's because you went into the southern accent you made yourself laugh fuck i immediately started doing the accent after all that all righty lauren should we hear some am i the assholes let's find out let's find out who has an asshole who has an asshole were you wearing that hat earlier i was earlier yep the whole podcast pretty cool i guess oh all right big burp huh first name of the asshole is from craig what's up seabone craig he says hello lauren and the moral mediators nice i like that to set this scene me and my buddy have been friends for

about four to five years we hang out a lot and are pretty close most of the time i enjoy hanging out with him sometimes his personality can be a little overwhelming i have family that lives out of state and my cousin who is basically my best friend is coming to visit me this week i get to see him about once a year and a couple times he's been down in the past oh when he's been down in the past me my cousin and my friend all hung out together i mentioned that my cousin is coming down to see me again this week and my friend was talking about how excited he is for us for all of us to hang out now he's texting my cousin and making plans for the three of us without even asking me about it he even mentioned having to sleep over i'd rather just spend the week with

my cousin since i see him so rarely and since we'll be with family i feel like my friend is trying to tag along or make separate plans too much or is too much am i being an asshole by trying to leave my friend out of this or is he being weird by trying to make himself a part of my cousin's trip to see me he it's a little bit of both i think right where i think if he really likes your cousin then he should you know you should include him a little bit but i think uh there's nothing wrong with a little uh transparency about how you're feeling maybe like i just you know we're gonna do this alone together uh but let's do this all three of us yeah i kind of i kind of blacked out and missed well you didn't but you had closed your eyes yeah

yeah looked at a map no he was like taking a nap while you were talking oh i started thinking about something and i just got completely distracted oh that's okay basically this guy's like my friend is trying to invade my plans and i don't really want him coming yeah i think maybe what i'm fucking i'm fucking so what i've learned about going home is the best way it sounds kind of stupid but the best way to budget your time is to make like an itinerary almost like a loose one be like these interesting like these days because sometimes i'll like feel bad because i don't see everyone when i go back to maine and so i'll be like okay these days i'm with that person these days i'm with this person yeah these days i'm in booth bay these you know i try to just i just

don't tell anyone and then i just make it always like hey i'm in town yeah like that day i do the same thing but because otherwise i'll make too many plans yeah i think uh just let him be like you maybe slip into the conversation like that you and the cousin are doing something alone but like you're stoked to do whatever he wants to do yeah i think yeah i think that's probably a nice way to deliver yeah i mean it's also with family it's like yeah that's reasonable to want it is strange whenever someone wants to be part of the family that's not really yeah yeah that's yeah that's how i feel about my adopted brother all right not the asshole not the nta just be honest i'm gonna be locked in on this one all

right next one is from hank hi hank he says all right so here we go so i just moved to a new place and i need to specify that this is a condo and not an apartment so i own it anyways someone one of his friends definitely called it an apartment he was like it's a it's a condo no no it's probably what the story has to have something to do with ownership yeah maybe i'd jump to for quick hey hey deep deep breath deep breath okay anyways we have a shared courtyard that surrounds like the 20 units with a small grass yard and a concrete area i got a charcoal grill for my birthday on friday and have been grilling every day since then if y'all know much about grilling you'll know that charcoal produces a lot of smoke the smoke truth the smoke has been causing quite

a ruckus with my neighbors and they keep peering out at me from their balconies or windows but haven't said haven't yet said anything most of them are middle-aged cat ladies so i don't know if they ever will but another relevant detail is that our building doesn't have ac so most people keep their windows open allowing the smoke to get in my condo association doesn't have rules against grilling so i don't think i'm doing anything wrong and i see a lot of other grills on people's porches but have never seen them grilling themselves am i the asshole for being a smoky neighbor y'all can call me if you want to chop it up about grilling or me and rusty's cousins experience taking molly in budapest what call this guy wait wait wait wait before we call

him what if we call and say we're the condo and say they have a rule about yes yes yes well he didn't give us his phone number he did no he didn't oh he didn't give you a phone number damn oh that could have been great wait wait can we talk about it before we get him actually wait is he saying we have the same cousin or he's saying him and your cousin went to budapest and did molly and rusty's cousins experience taking molly and sounds awesome i went to budapest when i was 17 and i my house is buda that was so fucked up i'm sorry when i was 17 i went backpacking in europe with my brother and we were in budapest and we went on a bar crawl and i got i was like i like just recently started drinking and uh did a lot of it yeah thank you and i got really drunk

and so my brother just put me in a cab home because he was raising up some budapestian girl or no she was like a british girl anyway and then i got is this story suck you're like no i'm just waiting like okay and i get to the air really you're really you're really living in the moment though what do you mean it's okay just keep going keep going and then i went to i got back to the airbnb and i didn't know the code and uh yeah i guess this slept outside no basically like i i didn't know what like how my brother got back in the morning and i was there in the apartment asleep but all i remembered was like when i had gotten back not being able to get in and so there were like hours unaccounted for and i didn't know how i had gotten into the place

yeah and it was like one of those like crazy oh it was scary and whatever but then like a year later we're reminiscing two years later maybe we're reminiscing about the trip i'm going through photos of the trip and i have like a screenshotted search bar of an instagram handle like i didn't have service but it was like clear that i tried to look up someone on instagram and so then i looked that guy up followed him and dm i was like do we meet in budapest he was like yeah you were so fucked up on the street and i took you back and helped you get into your apartment and like put you to bed oh no and i didn't find out until years later i was like thank you so much dude like wait that is funny yeah is that a crazy story yeah no that actually is we were that you might

be that i thought that story was going to be like uh i think we talked about this the other day but some people get so fucked up that they like defy the laws of physics yeah no get into places they like like my my uh friend at rollins used he didn't have a key to our room like we had we had physical keys to get into the room yeah and we would come back from the night out and he would be like asleep on my floor and we like have no idea how he would do it and we'd ask him in the morning he'd be like i have no idea that's crazy so but just before we call him i think a move that he could or do you guys want to break it down after we call him uh no i think we should break it down now so i think the move what's his name craig hank hank hank i think what's the thing

he uh is grilling charcoal oh yeah yeah i think what you do is uh you make a lot of like steak tips or something and you bring them around oh and you're like it's like an offering yeah you're like hey was grilling out had some extra if you want some and i hate to be this guy what if he got a gas grill yeah but that kind of that's not how hank rolls yeah i'm definitely getting the he doesn't roll like that yeah but he does roll in budapest yeah so let's give him a ring and figure out find out which i'm gonna take a guess i think he was rolling with my cousin friend i'm gonna go tommy i don't think he's the asshole but no i don't think you are either it makes me want like a grill like i want like grilled food right now i want like a barbecue

i want a burger yeah should we have a bar we had some killer sliders yesterday should we have a barbecue you guys want to have a barbecue i should do one i should do a farewell barbecue for before i move oh yes yeah okay well he's not gonna answer right now but all right so i think you it's nice that he is thinking about how it might be affecting his neighbors i agree um so your head's in the right place his head also might be in the wrong like he might be just tweaking no people do like when people grill out it's like a whole fiasco so it's probably like their whole their whole he's making all these people's condos smell like meats and that wouldn't ever bother me yeah but you're not like a vegan cat lady or like a vegetarian cat that's true so

maybe you bring them a peace offering oh oh oh here's the idea you make menus you make menus with with checked boxes right and it has it has options for everyone it's all things that you could grill you leave it on their door you say i'm grilling for everybody what do you want please check check what you would like and drop it back off at my house and uh but the next time i grill i will uh i'll make you something good idea yeah i mean i think you just suck it up bill or uh like how often is he grilling apparently a lot it's like he's getting into it he just got it for his birthday like two weeks ago and he's yeah yeah but also you have to realize henry that these um these neighbors are looking for something to be mad about like

it's not yeah that's like part sometimes they just like or they're bored it's not in the lease he's allowed to have it i think you're good yeah but i like that you're being cognizant of of other people's feelings yeah it sounds like you're not a good guy we're gonna take a quick second to tell you about one of our favorite partners it's super innovative so take a deep breath don't want you to faint it's the world's first zero carb zero alcohol and zero taste beer that's right they did the impossible if you haven't figured it out by now it's actually just sparkling water the brand is not beer that's what it's called not beer the can looks like a beer talks like a beer but it's just sparkling water so you can drink it all day every day it's a healthy alternative to alcohol

a great drink when you aren't drinking a beer and a fun and sustainable alternative to boring single-use plastic bottled water. I love Not Beer. I drink probably three to four a day. I can drink them at the office. I can drink them while I'm operating heavy machinery. I can do it anywhere. They're a little bit bigger than a regular can,

so I don't have to constantly be getting a new one. And I feel like they have a little bit more bubbles to them, which if you're a seltzer guy like me, it's kind of right up your alley. Guys, the brand is called Not Beer, N-O-T-B-E-E-R. You can find Not Beer on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use the code 10PLAYDATE2 at checkout for 10% off your purchase. That's 10PLAYDATE2 for 10% off your purchase of not beer.

Let's get back into the episode. Should we do Teach Me Something or This Guy Rocks? This Guy Rocks? Let's do it. This Guy Rocks. Teach Me Something. Teach Me Something. The golden langur is a species of monkey.

Lauren, will you pull this up so people can see it? What is it called? golden a species monkey langer l-a-n-g-u-r so look at that whoa see how they look like oddly human like they have like kind of strange it doesn't like yeah isn't that weird it looks like there are thoughts there right well monkeys are incredibly and what's interesting about this specific species of monkey is uh like no other species of monkey they avoid human interaction at all costs like they really don't like interacting with humans apparently they're super smart but they like refuse to interact with humans like and they've never seen anything like

it and uh wow yeah yeah look at that thing in the bottom left what yeah hates humans he looks like he's being interviewed for for like a why does he in it it's like a graham benzinger um it's i just thought that was interesting that like they kind of look human it looks like they have some thoughts going on and like maybe they're smart enough all the comments on this video i saw were like yeah they just don't want to pay taxes wow so yeah that's them oh my and for the people at home we'll put a picture of them right here and method yeah yeah and if you want to if you're an audio listener see this they can't see shit they can't see shit you're right uh and for the people the audio look at his nipples like stars nice oh look at a baby oh look at that baby and if you're an

audio listener google golden langer langer so that you can see what we're talking about pretty creepy stuff that is creepy all right willie teach me something bread you know lobsters pee out of their faces is this a rusty moment is this something that's not true look it up oh bang yes lobsters urinate out of their faces and it's like they use it to like attract mates oh it's like smells good so they're like interesting it'd be like if I saw a cute girl

and pissed out of my face she's like ooh he likes really likey he's fucking pissing yeah interesting that's interesting yeah fun fact about lobsters

they used to be considered like like not a delicacy and so in Maine there were so many lobsters that they would feed the prisoners lobster like every day. Oh I think

you said that one. Alright should we do This Guy Rocks? Yeah. Lauren play the This Guy Rocks theme song that you're going to have to make right after this.

Alright ready? You do it. Ding a na ding ding. This guy rocks. This guy rocks. We should just actually record it in like GarageBand one day

and then. this guy rocks all right lauren this is my this guy rocks so i found this guy at four in the morning i had a nightmare last night and so i woke up at four in the morning and i didn't go back to bed and so i was watching this guy and it's the funniest thing i've ever seen he only posts this put the sound on and basically for like the audio listeners it's this guy and he'll sit down next to someone and his song starts playing and he like has he like shares like an intimate moment with them but they edit it it very strange and usually it starts he does he has hundreds of these so let's give it a shot

what the fuck wait i kind of love it wait lauren can you go on his page that's usually they started it by throwing something he just made her day go to go to his page and go to go to reels he looks he looks ai looks like go to reels oh he's he is an ai guy so do the do the keep going keep going down keep going king batch keep going actually click on like the first one king batch what about one of these with a lot of views. Yeah, do that one. Oh. Is it always this song?

It's his song. Wait, this is funny. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I kind of like it. Wait, at first I hate it. I think I love it. Yeah, it's so good. And this is all that wrote his music?

It's all his song every single time. What is he holding? A ring he found in the sand. That's funny. He did one with Brent Rivera, too, which is pretty funny. Oh, that guy's awesome. Oh, there he is. wait where was

Brent Rivera on the wall that was really funny what on our wall no no there was like so have you seen this

video he went to Dayton oh yeah I know this kid I know him too yeah him and I follow each other on

Instagram are we all friends with Duggs oh I wasn't friends though we just had like mutual friends

were you at the PLL thing yes okay yeah we hung out with him one time okay yeah very nice guy he posted this

video that I saw right when it came out and I was like oh they're just gonna do numbies and it looks like it didn't totally blow up.

I think it did on TikTok. Oh, did you see it? Yeah. Well, I don't remember what it is. Oh, you guys have all seen it? Oh, I don't remember what it is. No, it's funny. I love Dukes.

All right, this is a guy. He's in New York City, and he's on the street. Do I drink caffeine before my runs, long runs, and general? Quick answer is not always. I mean, if I'm waking up in the morning to do my run, I will have my guys call me, get the little morning on my system, go for my run and then that's not like consistent

oh my god it's just so funny cause that's like the video he's making too is like so not related to that he's just like doing a wholesome like after I have my coffee yeah oh my god for our audio listeners there was a man uh presumably on drugs dragging a like table across the street yeah crazy stuff it's kind of fun all right wait i had something fun i was gonna

say i forget just keep going that's so funny that wait so you you're like friends with him i know like we follow each other and then i met him at the pll we actually had a pretty good day together yeah in philadelphia he was in the same frat as my like a lot of my guy friends he had a funny moment where uh he went to do like some alumni lacrosse game and just shattered his ankle oh what oh i thought you're gonna say i think the who should have the mvp oh have you seen that lord google uh google doogs oh his his interview for bart yeah who the mvp should have been who should the mvp should have been he's an all-time interviewer who about doogs i hope he's who should the mvp should have been we we've all seen it yeah i haven't seen it in a minute it's so good

this yeah all right we're asking people who who the mvp should have been who should the mvp should have been he's a he's a national treasure yeah i think we'll see him in a few weeks yeah we will actually i bet he's there all right um do you guys want to do lauren you get to pick today okay do you want to start with playground games that don't exist or do you want to do old wives tales that don't exist wives tales willie what are some old wives tales that you used to hear when you were a kid oh my god well i would always hear old wives tales first of all i heard a lot of them but have you ever heard have you ever heard that mvp should have been if you this is so bad these are

so dumb mine are worse i promise if you stay too long out in the rain you get food poisoning that's fun i did hear i used to i remember my mom used to tell us this i think it was more just to get us to not do it it was like kind of a threat but apparently if you poop in the pool the water the chlorine changes colors wait that's a real old wives tale if you poop in the pool i guess no that was like a grown-up scene where it turned all dark blue yeah i'm saying i'm saying obviously if you shit in the pool it'll turn brown i was just making a joke it used to happen all the time i'm like i would go to the county pool in lancaster pennsylvania and it was like every 20 minutes you'd have to be like everybody clear out there has been another turn every time

it was it was insane uh if you yell too loud a bird will lose its wings oh my god you heard that no um i remember my mom used to tell us uh you can cure someone's hiccups by burping into their mouth if you jump too high your head will hit a bird and then the bird will lose its wings it's funny did you know if you play with your balls too much they might get stuck that way your hands stuck to it no like your balls will be like like um what i just was trying to figure out if you like that one or not if you run inside the house i will hit you um you know they say like uh like pink sky in the morning sailors take warning no well if if the sky's red in the morning it means wendy's is still doing the four for four

meal deal is that a real thing yeah it's like blue sky at night pink sky pink sky red sky pink sky and morning sailor's take warning what does that mean like apparently there'll be a storm out on the ocean if it's still pink got it um oh i'm still going yeah if you uh turn on the light in the back seat of the car when your parents driving it will Blind them And they'll hit a bird And it'll lose its wings I only had four

Well did you know I fucked up accounting Do you know If when you're pregnant If your nipples get hairy It means your child's Gonna be a Mumford & Sons fan What?

Okay those were The other one I had Was just so I couldn't even Can you say it? It was the one I said to you Say it If you eat a burger

You get a boner that's probably happened and those were yeah those were opposite happened to the guy in that mcdonald's supersized me or whatever wait what happened you remember that documentary yeah it was like it was like a very like culturally relevant like oh wow fast food's killing us yeah well part of it was that he like couldn't like perform in bed anymore was like one of the things oh but then it came out of the fact that he had like crippling alcohol addiction and that like the reason he gained all that weight and stuff was like he just stopped working out and was drinking every day and like doing drugs and stuff and like yeah it was all like scientists

have like observed that and they're like like obviously you shouldn't eat fast food every day but like the amount of weight like the dramatic nature of that change was more to do with the alcohol than anything else um okay those were old wives tales that don't exist i don't even think we can clip that yeah we can that was hilarious okay good i like them oh really yeah will what were some playground games that you played growing up oh my god i mean so many come to mind yeah uh cops robbers sharks and minnows you ever play that it's fucking chaos yeah it sounds like a nightmare it's kind of weird that yeah i mean it's like the the minnows cops relationship is kind of hard to understand yeah we used to play kickballs the way you looked at me we used to play we used

to play kickballs and it was uh who can get kicked in the balls the most before tapping out that's pretty epic yeah uh i was awesome at it reverse tag yep one the person who's it is the person that everyone is trying to tag it's just like yeah that's it uh we had kind of our own spin on tag as well we would play freeze bag yeah where instead of it's kind of like freeze tag but we would freeze a bag full of like items around the school and you would the way you could tag someone was like hitting them with the freeze bag that sounds fun it's a blast speed baseball it's baseball at twice the speed everyone just it's just like going like really fast yeah i was because we were doing that video game

and i was thinking like they should do this like yeah yep yep do you get scared i got a little scared yeah um so we all know duck duck goose of course at my at my school we would play duck duck drews okay where you get in a circle you walk around touching everyone uh and saying duck but then when you yell drews all the kids named drews have to get up and run around while we try and catch them oh i had duck i played duck duck deuce when you you would do duck duck and then when you said deuce you it was you both had to take a big drop of deuce all right you'd like take a like a steaming like um horse-sized pile of shit very cool yeah did you guys ever play simon stinks no we would have our friend named simon uh stop showering and every day that he

went before a like faculty member noticed he got a point oh yeah how many points did he get i think the most was like 11 uh hopscotch 2 it's way harder and you use less feet we really mailed it in i'm really i'm really sorry we we we had a we had a big day yesterday Do you guys ever play 44 Square? I think it affected our prep. Yeah. You guys ever play 44 Square? No.

It's just like 4 Square, but it's 11 times the size, and it's a nightmare. That sounds sick. Wow. If that could work somehow, that would be great. 44 Square. I feel like being on the edges would be a big advantage. Yeah, it's almost impossible to get the ball to the people on the edges. 4 Square was always my favorite.

Yeah. Yeah, that game was awesome. I forgot about 4 Square. We used to build alliances. and just dominate. On like, you'd like beat up on like poor kids?

Yep. All right, those were playground games that do not exist. Oh, man. This was a fun episode. How long have we been going?

Hour 50. There we go. I thought it was gonna be like three hours. Well, no canoodling with the mic. I'm gonna fuck this mic.

Oh, that's where you draw the line? uh will whose personality are you gonna steal this week um that's a good question lauren whose personality you're gonna steal this week well you're still you're still i'm canoodling with the mic i'm sorry i'm gonna steal please stop whose personality is still lore oh no i am gonna steal all the girls in the office's personality and

come up with a reason to not have to do work anymore. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm going to steal the rat's personality and poop on the rat's desk. I'm going to steal Rusty's personality

and get hantavirus and not care about a disgusting... You can't get hantavirus. We're putting a disclaimer here so we don't get in trouble for misinformation. You cannot get the disease that the girls are saying you can from rats. I'm going to go tell Edge.

Diseases aside, it's still gross. Diseases come and go. Podcasts are forever. That's true. Do you think if you started pooping on Lauren's desk, they would put wheel-sized traps around the office? Yeah, they'd put Cheez-Its and applesauce. Comment down. Okay, this is what everyone's going to comment.

Comment down below if you would continue to go to work if there was rat shit all over it. It's not all over it. We're going to add a disclaimer. If there was rat shit like every once in a while and there were women that cleaned it up, who were paid to clean it up twice a week. Yeah. And it's a great working community. Sometimes.

Unless you guys are bullying me. When have we ever bullied you? You're bullying me. I love bullying, Lauren. Why is she saying it like that? I don't know. Bullying. Let's bully her for how she says bullying.

No, I was doing that. You know about my bullying story? I was doing that on purpose. No, what happened? I'll bring us home with... What's happening? Who's doing what on purpose? Me saying bullying.

Bullying. Bullying. When I was in the eighth grade... Sorry, I'm getting it right and then I'm done. Yeah. When I was in the eighth grade, I ran for class president. Of course. and a part of my

I had this everyone for your campaigns you got to put one poster up in the hallway and so my innovation was that I put a blank poster and I was like what do you want to see done and hung like a sharpie next to it

so people could write other stuff and there was a ton of stuff that was like stop bullying and bullying so I was like alright well that's what the people want so I leaned into I'm shocked to know kids just like were like big cocks well it was a small school there were 13 kids in my eighth grade class oh how were you guys bullying each other well it was uh it was like friendly fire at that point it

was like eight through eight so the school was like hundreds of so were you both the math does not add up oh you're saying it was a kindergarten through 12th grade kindergarten through eighth grade okay in eighth grade there was like they were like really mean second graders that were just like yeah i mean i don't know who was getting dick in every day it was like the upper schools i think it was like fourth fifth like the voting populace was all the like grades uh anyway yeah getting like the kindergartner vote was no anyway moral of the story was they were pixie sticks in the water they're all saying bullying so i made a big part of my campaign was talking about bullying and caroline funk god bless her uh don't know what she's up to now but i'm over it but she uh

promised everyone free ice cream she i gave this a really passionate speech about bullying and she went up and said we're gonna do free ice cream fridays it was like the border wall thing where it was like she had they're gonna pay for it yeah does she have the jurisdiction to like make that happen well so guess what the girl who promises all that like like i said the kindergartners and shit like vote yeah so she fucking wins because she promised everyone free ice cream and uh her audience my campaign manager brooks rowley you know a campaign manager it's just like my buddy yeah whatever uh he like started saying some shit and like people saying what to her like oh free ice cream fridays what's next like free hat wednesdays or something like

god or yeah no but anyway everyone was like because all the eighth graders have voted for me because we weren't duped by this little ice cream charade and everyone started turning on her and she ended up like they bullied her and made her cry and she like went to the principal's office and I got called in as like facilitating this bullying and I was like she would have voted for me

see what happens when you don't elect the anti-bullying guy oh that's funny like you were like we're gonna end bullying unless I don't win then I'm gonna be like a huge proponent of bullying yeah so I bullied the girl yeah so good sounds like Caroline Funk deserved it you won?

No, she won the election and then got bullied after. Sorry, did I say that? Caroline Funk you. Caroline, yeah. Did she follow through on the free ice cream? There was one. I remember it happened one Friday, but then it never happened again. It was just like she had to do it once to fulfill her campaign promise.

Oh, God. Now I'm digging all this stuff up. Dude, that was a weird. That was a good school. 13 kids in your class. I was valedictorian. Wow. Yeah, pretty big deal.

yeah all right miss panic which is kind of a funny name everyone stay fucking calm miss panic miss panic sounds like i forgot about her remember how they they're those uh who were the god who are those like religious women that were like mr struggle oh the purity what was her name girl defined girl defined girl defined they were just like these like christian people they were like youtube channel like five guys that we all know and one of them was mr struggle but it would be funny that like mrs panic yeah yeah it's like from from her hair is always going yeah exactly her hair is going like all different directions and she's freaking out all right well this has just been a hoot yeah we love you guys you got anything else

on your chest with it i'm not i'm trying to think i'm now i'm remembering all these things it doesn't sound like you all day you've been remembering things that have not remembered one of them not been able to vocalize one of them well I think I'm remembering things that aren't very interesting oh interesting no

the opposite of that alright we love you guys thank you for tuning in comment down below whatever Lauren told you to that's right but also like I want to see both sides of the argument maybe comment

why maybe I don't fucking know just comment please comment fucking like and comment and subscribe

oh and everyone comment their favorite thing about everyone oh and subscribe like I feel like we don't get that many subscribers

yeah more people listen than subscribe so yeah subscribe helps us out I guess it helps I don't know yeah

tell your mom tell your dad we love you guys and have a great rest of your week and you're gonna have such a fun weekend drive safe drive safe

and we'll see you guys next Wednesday this family is on the brink of civil war Mobland the hit original series is now streaming

on Paramount Plus we are the Honeigans don't know the net then Google us from the underworld of Guy Ritchie. Do you want to step up the ladder? I want Carmack dead. Starring Tom Hardy,

Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren. Do I have to do everything myself? You want more? I'll give you more! Mobland. New season is now streaming on Paramount+.