Will & Rusty's Playdate - (up to) $250 SUBSCRIBER GIVEAWAY | Ep. 250

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

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All right, playdate and Andrew's in another cost of... It's episode 250, right? Is it 250? It is 250. The bicentennial play date. The... Yes, the bicentennial... Wait, it's the same age as our country?

Playday 25. Did we start this in 1776? Do we do... We do one a year, right? Yeah. Okay, if you listen to play date once... If George Washington listens to play date once every year after starting the country... Right.

He would just be caught up. he would have, he would have, like two, three, a few years ago, he would have heard about the burger free go. Yeah. Okay, Andrew is, I think, Pitbull. And so I'm going to, let's try and guess what the. See, I like Pitbull except the suit is throwing me off. That's what he wears, though, I think. Does he?

I was going to go John Federman. I don't even know who that is. I was going to, maybe Kevin Featherline. Who's that? Kevin Federer, I believe was Britney Speederline. and I believe was Britney Spears's husband. You believe he was? Yeah.

That's my personal belief. It's just your buddy. Yeah. I think Pipple's a good guess. Is it Pipple? Or is it Rogan? No. Does Rogan have a, does Rogan have a good guy?

He would wear a suit, though. Maybe he's like Rogan at UFC. No, does he do that? Okay. Wait. Or he's Pipple and. Or he's Vin Diesel? Oh.

No, probably Pipps. I think Pipple's a good guess. Is it Pipple? Yeah, can we stop. It's not pit bull. Fuck. Oh, fuck. This episode is brought to you by Bearbells.

Russie, show me your Bearbells. Can you tell us and then we'll try and guess from there? Wait, tell us what? Who he is, and then we'll guess the pun. No, I want to guess who he is. Oh, okay. The goatee is throwing. Is that even a goatee?

What is that? For anyone on the audio, Andrew has a bald cap, a suit, and a goat, like a sole patch. Howie Mandel. Yes. Oh, okay. Wow. Okay. And let's

It's got to be a let's make a deal thing, right? I think he was deal or no deal. Deal or no deal. And we're dealing. And you're saying no deal to stop in our momentum. Wait, fuck. And we're a quarter of the way to. And he's giving us, oh, what if he gives us a golden buzzer?

Oh, yeah. Okay. And I give this show the gold. Golden buzzer. That's my guess as well. That's our guess. I have bad news. Yeah.

I have nothing planned for this episode. That's the best option. That was the best answer. You just dressed like High Mandel? Yeah. I didn't think of anything. Couldn't come up with anything. You're on fire.

I'm a little late. Wait, but Howie Mandel doesn't wear a suit, does he? He does. Sometimes. When he's playing deal or no deal. Oh! Are you guys ready to play deal or no deal? This is the funny.

Dude, for context, oh my God. For context, Will and I were at the bar until 1.30 last night. We did this spooky bar crawl last night. Having this happen when you're a little hungover is... This is magical. All right. Okay. Are you ready to play deal or no deal?

I'm impressed how much control you have over the lighting situation. Yeah, I didn't know you could even change these lights. It's colors. You can make it with any color? Yeah. Show me, show me purple. Do purple. Oh, fuck. We don't have purple. Okay, so.

Do you have green? No green. What? You don't have green? No. You feel like green and purple. What do you have? Can't say you have any color.

Wait, wait, name another color. Red. Oh, no red. Oh, man. That thing sucks. All right, let's play deal with no. Yeah. All right, girls, come on out.

No. What? Girls come on out Chicks I'm not ready to talk to chicks Girls come on out Wait let me check Oh man

I'm about to go full Marty Fitt Okay the models on Craigslist aren't strike Today like across the board Yeah Okay Do they unionize? I guess Craigslist models union Yeah

Okay all right Okay so I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to bring out the case is that and myself okay all right how whatever whatever you got to do brother oh my god no grab it right now the hell is going on did he know we were gonna be hung over I think you knew we were gonna be hung over and he's like I just see how much I can fuck with them you I fuck with you by the way I fuck with you too bro oh my god okay how

is this even gonna be on camera so are you guys familiar with the rules of deal or no deal Yeah. Vagely, I think I know. I look as similar understanding as I do to like maybe football, where I know like the general rules, but there might be a few intricacies that I don't understand. So I have six cases. I mean, these aren't even going to be in the shot, are they? They'll be in my shot.

Oh, really? They're right here, yeah. You're going to be able to fit six of them? Where'd you get these? All right. Doesn't matter. I'm going to be honest. I

Lately I'm losing a grasp I'm like how much time Andrew has those hands Before this I thought you was pretty like Jam-packed Well I guess You make time for The things you love

Oh we also got to hear about your neighbor Yes that was I was actually supposed to do this yesterday And that had me caught up until this morning So You were Until this morning? No well no

That's not what I met but I had to do all this stuff in the morning. Wait, can we ask you about it right now before we play? No, no. Wait, wait, I think I want to give the neighbor thing my full attention, so I think we should just get through the deal or no deal thing and then ask you. Okay, all right, all right. All right, so how we're going to do this?

Did you take the tape off your lip? It's distracting. Oh, I didn't know my go-tee fell off. We'll put the go-tee back on? Yeah, I'm going to, I actually like the tape. Call me crazy. Okay. Oh.

So you guys are going to pick one case first. Yep. That's going to be your case. Yeah. Then we're going to open two cases at a time. And we're going to see how much money you guys can win. Okay. How much money you guys end up winning goes to one person that likes comments and subscribes.

Really? Yeah, I like that. Oh, man. Well, we need to know the max amount. Can I like comment and subscribe? Yeah. Yeah. You can like comments.

What's the maximum? What's the maximum amount of money? The price options are $250, $200, $150, $100, and $1. And we're going to Venmo one person this? Yes. One person who likes, comments, and subscribe. Okay. And we'll be checking.

And follows me on Instagram. And follows Will Dinellen on Instagram. And you can't be following me. And you can't follow us. If you're following me, you're not eligible. trying to even out you even follow you follow magmy on Instagram

should we have like they have to follow like they have to be following you and like Ben Fibis no that's all right you have to be following Will Ben Fibis and you can't No you could be following you too How about just

Okay but you have to be following You have to follow my buddy at Ben Fibis like don't me in there too Throw me in there and Andrew And Andrew And Andrew But you don't have to be following me But it's just

have to be but it's not you're not it helps your odds though you got like comments subscribe follow me and my buddy ben fibis you can search for him in my like following or whatever or just i think it's a ben fibus the picture's like woodstock like from peanuts all right okay i'm gonna pick you know he's coming to lay tomorrow oh that'll be awesome yeah this would be great or i guess this won't come out for like weeks it'll be a while can i pick my case well you guys are going to pick one case together will i got a good feeling about four oh we go together we're on a team yes you're on a team and actually don't know what amount is in each case.

Who did it? I did, but I forgot. Okay, I'll take four. You get so high, you forget which? Yeah. You guys want to take four? Yeah. Final answer?

Yeah. Okay, number four is yours. Wouldn't it be funny if, like, at one point, we edited in a way that implied you'd walk down like a crazy long hallway. Yeah, Andrew, put like 30 seconds of walking. All right, so you guys are going with case number four. We're going four at all. Remember when he was like, I don't have anything for this outfit?

Yeah. He has the whole game. He did. Okay. Which two cases do you want to open first? And these are ones that are eliminated, right? These are eliminated, yeah. I think we eliminate one.

Yeah. He would never put it in one. And six. You never go on the end. Yeah. Okay. Number one is our first case. Are you ready to see what's in case number one?

Yes. Yeah. Open it, Megamarkle. Was she on dealer? No deal? Yeah, she was. Oh, so was Marty Fish's wife. Oh, man.

I feel like I'm gonna, like, throw up. Really? Do you not feel good today? I actually feel, like, kind of okay. I feel fine. I just mean, like, no. Are you ready to see what is in case number one? Yeah.

All right, all right. $100. That's on the lower end. Yeah. $100, okay. So $100 has been eliminated. And you guys said you want to take number six? In stats, I took a business statistics class and he taught us how to do this.

I can't remember how, though. There's like a strategy. But you don't remember. But I don't remember it. But I just am telling you at one point I did remember. That helps us that at all? Yeah. That kind of helps.

That kind of makes me feel better. I think it's like when you're, you're, we should switch. If it's available at the end, we should switch because now it's like a 50-50 instead level one out of six. I believe is the strategy. Does that make sense? Maybe. So you guys said case number six? Yep. All right. Are you ready to see what is in case number six? Yes. Case number six. Okay. All right. $150. All right. So we have left $250, $250.50 and $1. We've got the two middle out. Yeah. It's a steep drop off at the end. Very. Yeah, the $1 would suck. I feel like Ben 5 is going to get like no follow. That is a tough first round.

Really? Oh, he's going to make us an offer? We're going to call the banker. Oh, God. He just tells us, like, interest rates went up and then he ends up. Yeah, or he's like... Tells us they're going to... We're closed.

Uh-oh. Who's that? On the phone. I'm going to go... I'm going to guess the banker. Probably the banker, right? Yeah, I probably say the banker. Okay.

Wait. I said, he's got so much shit all over his desk. Hello? Who is this? Okay. Did they say who is this on the show? Okay. Who is this?

He has to make sure it's not like an outside line. No, I understand. And interest rates are high. Okay, yes, okay, yes. I'll let them know right away. All right, so that was the banker. Thank God. I kind of assume.

And he is offering you $90. No deal. No deal, Howie. And they say no deal. No deal. And we're moving on. We're going to open more cases. Great.

Your cash prize amounts are $250, $250, and $1. We're going to open two more cases, and then we may be getting a call from... I think we should get rid of three. I'm down. All right. Are you ready to see what is in case? Number three. Case number three.

Oh. And that is the $250. That's okay. $200 still on the board. $250 off. We're doing so bad. No, no, we're good. Oh, we're doing good?

Yeah. So you guys are going to pick one more case. I can't do it. Five. So $200, $50, and $1 is still on the board. And you guys are choosing case number five? Yeah. Case number five.

No. $200. is off the board. This is not how it went my stats class. It went so much better. So we got $50 and $1 left. All right. So.

I don't even want to hear from the banker, dude. All right. Tell the banker we're not. Just tell the banker to text. What are we going to get like 20 bucks? Tell the banker to text us. Uh-oh. Who's that?

You just said that. It's the banker. You just did that. We know it's the banker. We know it's the banker. Howie, we know it's the banker. No one else calls that phone. Yes, I'm with him right now.

I'm sorry to hear that. Okay. It's the banker. His wife got a bedrock. I'm sorry, are you still able to do this job from the funeral? Okay, yeah. What do you think we should do swap? We're having a funeral of our own here.

You're supposed to swap. I think. Yes. Because back in the day, we, or at the beginning, we had a one and six chance of having $50, but now we have a 50, 50 shot of having $50. Okay. But I guess by the same logic, we had the same.

I think there's something there, but that shit always fucks with me. Yeah, I think now, I think, like, it's out. Are you sure you're thinking of deal or no dealer? You think of the thing where, like, there's a goat. Yeah. That's from a movie, but I think it's the same idea. Okay.

From the movie 21. How long is this phone? call with the banker. Okay, I'll let them know. And I'm sorry for your loss. It's the banker. All right, that just shit himself was the banker. Okay, yeah. I kind of guess that. Thank God. His offer is $35. What will you do? Actually, it's a good offer. That's better than the average, or that's the average, I guess. No, it isn't. What's 151? It's 20. Oh 25 point something

So it's higher than the average Yeah I mean I think we should Take the 35 bucks No deal Howie Oh fuck That was a good deal Did you inflate

That couldn't have been the formula Said that right Yeah no deal I think he's supposed to go under the average Yeah right Because we would have just beat the banker All right What's beat the banker

Like we would have beat the odds Now it is time to decide if you will keep your case number four or if you will swap it for case number two. I think we're supposed to swap? Yeah, swap it, I guess. He took a stats class on this. All right.

We will be swapping cases. I actually took Wheel of Fortune that semester. So I'm of no help. Are you ready to see what is in case? Case number four. If it's $1. Don't we get to open ours in the last one or no, you open it? I think he opens it and that means...

That means you open yours. So if it's $1 in here, you win $50 for the Playmates. But if I open 50, that means you're going home with $1. Fuck. To give to the playmates. Are you ready to see what is in case number four? Case number four is... $50.

Okay. That means open case number two. There's like a chance. There's a typo, I guess. One dollar. Truly deal or no deal astor class. Here, you know what? Willie and I...

No wonder, you, bro, you fucking... Do you get an F in that class? No. I don't even remember. All right. What if, Willie, what if you and I put in 50 bucks each and we've been most? No, that's lame, bro.

We got to earn it. Okay, the guys, if you follow Ben Fibis and Will and subscribe, we're going to give out one dollar. I think you, like, lose money if you instant transfer a dollar. Well, you got to do the three days. One to three business days. All right. All right. Well, that was dealer, no deal.

Okay. All right. Can we hear about the neighbor situation? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So. Andrew, did you think that was going to go that way? No, I thought you guys were going to get the $250.

Yeah. I guess in a way. it was just as impressive that we got the worst one. Yeah, that was impressive. All right, wait, so your neighbor, you left an owner-door, you're tweaking last episode that she hadn't texted you? Yes, yes.

And what did I say to you, Andrew? And you said she's crafting the perfect testament. She's crafting the perfect text. And guess what? I got while I was at the gym yesterday afternoon. The perfect text message. Can we hear it? Yeah, it's not that great of a text message.

Sexy photo. Okay. Are you ready? She just got straight to the his picture of her cans. Are you ready to hear what she said? I'm still in, like, hosting. Yeah, you were like, are you guys ready to hear what my... Let's play, what did my neighbor say?

I'd call the banker. She said... She said, hi, this is from apartment... I somehow got locked out of my balcony. I do not know if the door is jammed or what. But I can't get a hold of anyone on the after-hours emergency line or any other line. and you had left me the note with your number when you helped me with the WAS yesterday, so I thought I would reach out and see if you could get anyone to help me out.

Oh, that's a bummer. Wait, why? She waited until she got locked on her own balcony? She got locked out on her own balcony. I've done that before. Really? Yeah. It was like an auto-lock door.

Yeah, and my friend's apartment, one time we did it and we were all locked out. Oh, you had to climb down. I had to climb down to the ground. And then the cops saw me scaling the wall. And the cops came. And we're like, what are you doing, sir? We got reports of like a man scaling the building. And I was like, oh, my God, thank God.

And they were like, what? And I was like, thank God. I need help. My friends are stuck. So I like, the cops got called on me, but then I made them my helpers. Wait, so she was her. So what happened? Did you go over?

I dropped everything that I was doing at the gym. Drop the weights right then and there, booked it out of there. I was hitting chest and by, so it was a big deal. And that's going to come on later in the story, okay? So I go over there. You were too sore to, like, go nuts on it? The whole time I'm thinking that, like, her front door is open, and I'm just going to go into her apartment,

unlock the balcony door, let her out. Yeah. I get to her apartment. Her front door is also locked and deadbolted. So then I call her, and I'm like, hey, I thought your front door was open, and she was like, no, both are locked and I'm like, dang, but how about I come around in the back and you throw your

key to me and I unlock it? She's like, I left my keys in the apartment too. And so I'm like, okay, I'm going to have to call maintenance then. Can I say one thing? Yeah. How did she have the note with her? Or she had like saved your number? I guess she'd save my number, yeah. Okay. Sorry. That's a good point. So I call maintenance. They're like, there's nothing we can do after hours because This is like 6 p.m. today, right? There's nothing we can do at 6 p.m. I'd be like, this is the worst. You're the worst landlord ever.

Truly, truly, truly, truly. They were like, we can't send somebody. Is it like a big management group that owns it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, very corporate. And so I'm like, fuck like, and they're like, you're going to have to just call locksmith. And I'm like, okay, yeah, I can do that. While I'm doing all this, the fire department shows up.

And the fire department walks through a hallway and they lift her over. the balcony into her neighbor's balcony and just have her come through her neighbor's apartment. What? So she gets out. Sounds like so dangerous. No, it was a small wall. But she, the fire department is like, all we can do is bust down your door at this point. It's going to cost you like $3,000 plus your door is going to be broken.

$3,000 to get your door busted down? Yeah. Or to replace it. No, no. No deal. You got to, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They weren't saying it would cost to replace the door.

They were saying you have to pay us $3,000 to bust your door down. It's like, well, I could bust my door down. Yeah. You could bust your own door down? Yeah. Really? I mean, I could do it for less than $3,000. Like you rent whatever tools they were going to use for less.

Wait, the fire department? I thought the fire department was like a public service. Yeah, what did they? They got like a rate card. They're like, uh, $3,000. We could bust your door down. Yeah. You'll set your house on fire for two.

Four grand. We can just spray you with the hose on a lower setting. It's pretty fun. Okay, sorry, go ahead. Yeah, so it was $3,000 and your door would be busted. And she was like, yeah, definitely not going to do that. But now we're just, like, hanging out in the common area, and we're calling all these locksmiths to come, right? And so it's, like, nice.

We're hanging out. We're chatting. We're getting to know each other. I ordered a pizza for us. We're having a good time. Why didn't you just take her back to your apartment to hang out? I did, because she came out. She was like in her pajamas, no shoes, no socks, like barefoot, just, like had nothing on it, right?

Like, no food, things like that, you know? That's how you like them. So I'm like, so I, like, offered her, like, some socks, some shoes, but, like, obviously we're not the same shoe size. And, uh, some food. So anyway, we're hanging out. We're having a great time. We're getting to know each other. We're waiting for these locksmiths.

Finally, locksmith is like, hey, I'm 10 minutes away. I'm like perfect. She also gets a locksmith. That's 10 minutes away. You guys didn't coordinate that you're? I don't know why she called another locksmith. That part is still a mystery to me. I thought I was kind of like, I got this handled.

But we were like, well, maybe this will create like a bidding war between the two locksmiths. Because, you know, their prices can vary and you can talk them down. They've got you by the balls of locksmiths and kind of charge them. They really do, right? And so we're waiting. Finally, I get a call from the locksmith, like, 10 minutes later. And he's like, hey, I'm about 10 minutes out. And I'm like, you were 10 minutes out 10 minutes ago.

And he goes, yeah, I'm sorry, I got pulled over by the cops and I got a ticket. And I'm like, well, fuck. Now we got to go with this guy because, like, he got a ticket coming here. We got to pay him, even if another locksmith shows up. You know what I mean? Because I feel bad for it. I'm going to be honest. I don't know.

I'm so confused. I mean, the method of calling two locksmiths so that you can create a bidding more. is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. But it's kind of smart. Well, so, so they both end up showing up at the same time to our apartment. One guy is Hispanic. Another guy is African American.

And they start fighting with each other. Like, as soon as they both arrive, realizing that they're both there for the same job. But they're fighting each other in a language that sounds like, maybe like Farsi, which really blew my mind. Because of all the languages, I wasn't thinking... What is Farsi? It's like Persian.

Oh, okay. And they both know it? Apparently. I don't know if there's like a universal locksmith. Are you pranking us right now? This is like 100% real. But they like start going at it. One of the guys finally just like takes his tools and leaves.

So now we're just down to one locksmith this time. No bidding war. We haven't even started. It's like down to one locksmith. Like that's not like the normal amount of law. And then we're down to just one loss. Well now we can't create that bidding war, right? Right.

The bidding war would have been, you should have done. Yeah. Yeah, he comes... I'm picturing, like, uh, the episode of the office where, like, they're trying to sell Girl Scout cookies and they make him do, like, humiliating. It's like song and dance. I'm confused how they both, they both knew Farsi. I don't know.

I don't know what language. How does Andrew identify Farsi? Uh, it sounded like something like that, but it didn't sound like Spanish and... How do you think they both came to the conclusion that they knew it? Like one guy... The one guy was like, fuck you! And then tried in Spanish. and then tried it in Farsi, and, like, the third one hit.

I don't know. All right. I don't know. I don't know how they both knew that language or why they knew that language. It felt like a universal locksmith language. And so he comes, he checks the door, and he goes, it's going to be $360 to open up the door. And we're like, well, that's not really worth it because she could just get a hotel for the night. And then what?

That's what? Yeah, because the maintenance will get in the morning. Maybe I'll get in the morning. Yeah. But she doesn't have any clothes. Yeah, but she can wear Andrew's shoes. Which she did at one point. I brought in my slides.

And those kind of fit for a while. We're going to go out. And so we're like, that's not worth it. So she calls her parents and she's like, they're going to send me up with a hotel room. I'm like, yeah, no problem. We're hanging out. We're he-heeing.

We're ha-haing. You know, we're having a good time. And then I get another call from a another locksmith and he's like hey I'm down to coming on this job I'm like sorry man like we already had a guy come by instead of $360 our budget's more like 80 and he was like I'll do it for a hundred we're like perfect come on down who shows up but like Mexican Timothy shallame like this guy looks exactly like Timothy shallomay like if he was Mexican he was super hot yeah and and And he shows up with his girlfriend.

And he goes, yeah, man, we were in the middle of date night, but I decided I had to do this job. And she just like called him earlier and he didn't pick up or so. No, no, no, no. He called. But how did he get your, how did he know you were? The locksmith company that we called like just reaches out to all the locksmiths in the area. Locksmith thing, I've learned this too. It's just kind of like guys do it.

They just like have the shirt in the car. Every locksmith that never comes is like just a guy. Yeah. Yeah. And so they had reached out. So I was getting calls like the whole night from like. boxmith guys that were like pitching like, I'll do it for 200. I'll do it for 250. This guy was the cheapest guy that we had gotten the whole night. But unfortunately, we kind of interrupted his

date night and I don't think his girlfriend was super stoked about it because she was also there on the job. And so he starts working on the door and he realizes it's deadbolted and it's a super thick deadbolt. And he's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. And we're like, yeah man no problem and he was like but you said you were locked out on the balcony right and we're like yeah and he goes could i get to that balcony and try to pick that lock and we're like sure no problem so we knock on the neighbor's door for like the fourth time we've interrupted his sleep four times now to go in and out of his apartment like going from the balcony how late is it at this point this is probably about like 930 oh my god 10 what time does he go to bed he's a DJ so apparently

he sleeps during the day and then like parties at night but it's night now I mean, it wasn't like, it wasn't like late, late night. Yeah. You know? Okay. So, I can only, I mean, every part of this is like, this is an all-time story. Is it good? Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy's DJs, he sleeps all day. Being the answer to that question was all the time. It's like, so hard to fall off. Okay. And so, so we wake him up for the fourth time. We're like, we're so sorry, promise you this the last time, but do you mind if this locks through your balcony, hops over the wall?

tries to pick the balcony lock. He's like, sure, no problem. So he gets through. I'm sitting out in the hallway for maybe two minutes at this point, and he just emerges through my friend's apartment. And he's like, dude, they don't even know I made it through already. Because my neighbor and the girl who was locked out were just chilling in her neighbor's apartment at the time to like let him through.

And so he ends up telling us that it took him two seconds to pick the lock of the balcony because apparently balconies have hook locks and you can just lift the balcony door and slide it over and you can get into any balcony and so he didn't even have to pick it. I don't like that. I like know what you're talking about. Like yeah, like that is saying. Yeah. Yeah. And so he gets, he gets right through like immediately doesn't have to break any doors or anything and uh let's it back into her apartment. Holy shit. We called her the night and and then she asked me to coffee this weekend. That's good.

So, yep. She asked you. She asked me. Yeah, she was like, I want to get you a coffee for all your troubles. And I was like, I hope that's what I think it is.

Explain it to us like, we're five. I'm just hoping that that means like it's like a date, maybe. Yeah, yeah, okay. I think it's rather than like a nice thing. Yeah. And yeah,

and then we went out of separate ways. But we're going to grab coffee this week. That is the craziest story I've ever heard. That is, I'm like, if you end up with her, that'll be a great. A great story, right?

Yeah. I feel like my life's like a rom-com That does feel like a rom-com Right? Yeah Yeah Yeah The hot locksmith I was worried you were gonna be like

The hot locksmith came over And like swept her off her feet You were like... I was worried too Luckily he showed up with With a girl Like a girl Yeah

A girlfriend So that made it better Bringing Bringing date night to the lock Smith Like he's like He's opening it by By candlelight

Sorry They're holding hands They're holding hands Well he's like Their date night Continues well he's doing the lock. Yeah.

They're getting a little handsy. Yeah. I am like, that was a roller coaster. Are you going to be okay? Yeah, I think so. So I was just worried. See, do you like her more

from the interaction? Yeah, I thought we got along well. Yeah, I thought we had a good time. It was very, like, natural. I didn't feel like there was, like, any, like, awkwardness in our conversation. I felt like we, like, are very, like, similar. And how did the nature of your gym workout affect the story where you drove?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I showed up, like, sweaty and in, like, a cutoff, and it was, like, my good cutoff, and, like, my pecks and my biceps were, like, extra pumped. My good cut off is, like, a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah. On the way there, I, like, blew, like, hot air from my AC, hoping to, like, sweat more, you know? But it didn't really work.

That's awesome. You wanted to be, like, all-time sweaty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I wanted to be, like, yeah. Just getting a pump in. Yeah. Oh my God. But it was good that it was like pecking by because I never hit those together. Yeah.

It just happened that. So you were like, you had like a pump going. I had a pump going. Yeah. That's awesome. So I was like extra inflated. I'm doing ass today. Do you actually do glutes?

No. Just whole. Just whole. I'm doing a whole. You like connect a weight to your butt plug. Oh. Clench, unclenched. Oh my God.

This is like this is like this. You saying that is like talking about a waterfall Because I have to poop so bad Oh man Can I go? Let's do it Is that okay? Yeah, fine

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Let's get back into the episode. Was that on your Mount Poop Moore? Yeah. What I just did is on my Mount Poop more. What, are we talking because it was impressively sized or just felt good? It was an extreme sense of relief. The wiping was minimal. That reminds me.

Have you been seeing these comments where people are like, when is Rusty going to address the one wipe allegations or whatever? I think I like misphrased something like a really long time ago. Yeah. Where I came off. Like I said, I wipe one time and if you're wiping more than that or whatever. What I meant was, which for the record is not true. I wipe.

I have to address it. I have to wipe more than. probably any man alive but I think where it stems from or where the confusion was was when we were talking about what's the normal amount of squares to use when you wipe

and I said like any more than two and that's crazy I meant like per wipe I'm not wiping once with two squares got it you were saying two squares per per wipe you go I do more than that I do too but I publicly you were trying to maintain

sort of an environmental I think I was trying to give off like a whole, well, we were saying, uh, when you're at home. Yeah. You use more than two? I use the same amount anywhere. Like when I know I'm not, when I'm not on the hook for buying the toilet paper, like I'm, I'm wrapping it around my hand. Oh yeah, yeah.

You're going full mummy. Yeah. I'm going, I'm going mummy mode. Yeah, you go, you have a mummy yourself in the back? I'm serious when you're taking the poop? You just totally, totally, totally. Totally mummy yourself. You be a mummy.

Yeah. And just unspool it all. Do you put like one end of it in the toilet and you flush and then it kind of unwraps you and you spin around? Yeah. Well, sometimes what I do is I put a bunch in the toilet and then I put a lot. I put it through my butt. Like I thread it through my crack. And then I unroll the toilet paper on the other end and I flush it and it does the wiping for me.

That's actually mad smart. I don't even think of that. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it burns. Dude, you're fucking awesome. It's like a, yeah. That's like what you did with the railing wiping thing.

Yeah, yeah, Andrew, do you hear about it? Yeah, the banister. Was that your first ever pitch? Yeah, you put a, uh, it's a cloth that goes down the banister. When you're done pooping, you walk out, straddle it and slide down and wipes you in one fell swoop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's unbelievable, man.

Do you ever mummy yourself with the comforter and go to bed like that when it's, like, really cold in your room? It's never really that cold. You know, you're on an AC guy? I don't have AC or heat. I didn't, this is like a Venice. thing that I I they're yeah all my friends live in Venice that their houses don't come with is that crazy like let's just it's so essential everywhere else I've lived and like here I just raw dog always just just a house there's no yeah it's just like anything it's

totally fine do you are you guys a windows open house I my the windows in my room are perpetually open mine are too but I have to close the AC vent in my room because I I don't like it I don't like the AC really but I like it in the living room It's nice that it's cooling down, though. There were a few weeks there where it was pretty brutal at night. Yeah, what do you do? You just, talk it out. I can sleep no matter what.

I'm the goat of sleeping. Really? I'm, yeah. I'm like a little fucking bitch when it comes to sleep. If the conditions are not perfect. I would sleep anywhere. Anytime? Anytime.

I can get. Okay, I'm going to name a situation. I mean, like, last night, not the last night we had gone out, but two nights ago, I just like ripped like 10 and a half hours. Oh man. No reason. I wake up at the, when the sun comes up, I wake up regardless of what time I went to bed. Yeah, I mean, well, I wake up usually around like 8 o'clock regardless, but I went to bed at like 10, at 9.30 or something.

And I just, I feel like it's like predator versus prey mentality. Like, I'm worried that now the sun's up. Like, I need to be on edge. There's a predator, yeah. You're like you can. No, I wake up. The lion sleeps as late as he wants. I wake up with the sun.

I'm just. What time of the sun is. is the sun come up? Right now, probably six something. Oh, okay, I don't wake up with the sun. Yeah. I wake up at the sun came up like eight. Yeah, it's always...

There are guys that have, there are guys that have had four hours of life when you thought before you thought the sun came up. What guys are up at four? Mark Wahlberg, dude. 644. That's kind of late right now. Oh, man. Do you think you're going to, do you think you'll, like, the next evolution of your fitness

journey is like you're going to start waking up early and grinding? I mean, I get up and go to the gym now, but I can't run in the morning. I don't like running. I need to, like, eat and have my coffee. And I don't really have time to, like, get up, eat, have coffee, let it settle, run, shower, then go to work. Unless I got up at like 644, I guess. Speaking of it. That's not in my bag.

Yeah. But the gym I can do because I can just go. But the problem with my fitness journey, this week at least, that I'm a little frustrated about, Sometimes this job makes you go on a spooky bar crawl on a Wednesday night. Right. It's kind of fucking with my shit. Yeah. I'm not feeling my best.

Well, and I had plans to go to this show and I'm going to a concert tonight. Yeah. And so then it's like, oh, God. Gotta probably have more beers. I don't know. I might not. I don't really want to. It's in Chinatown.

Yeah. Who's the artist? Radio Free Alice. Gotta have beers. do you know them no okay no but I feel kind of a they have kind of beer when I signed up for it

I signed up for in the context of like oh we're gonna take the metro to Chinatown we're gonna grab dinner before go to the show like that's with it's like it's me my buddy Matt you know Max like it's just me and Max so like I can't be sober around him

yeah no I'm kidding but but now I'm like oh well now that I had to spooky bar crawl last night now I'm like I can't really afford to drink tonight in the context of my fitness you can really only do one a week, go out once a week if you're training for a marathon. But if work makes you go out, then it's like, well, I don't want to be the, I don't want the one time I can go out a week

to be because of my job, because then I didn't get to be with my friends. Yes. This is a really first world problem. I'm definitely going to, I definitely am going to go out this weekend. Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely not Friday, but I, then Ben Five has come Saturday, too, so then it's just, it's slippery slope. He's like a beer monger. It's just, I love, yeah, I love, like, doing shit and being social and I feel like alcohol is part of a lot of things so I got to get better about just like not drinking at it but then it's like then I yeah but if everyone else is drinking it gets really it's fun for the first hour and then when they get drunk yeah it's not fun anymore like we I every every time I've been sober and everyone else is drunk it's fun when when they're

on the way up you're like oh my god everyone's like on fire yeah and then they get so tired and yeah Like I would imagine we are not very enjoyable to the sober eye Andrew thoughts you don't like us right Not at all O queer eye for the sober guy that's a TV show I'd watch where it's It's same thing as queer eye for the straight guy But instead of I guess we're drunk we're drunk We're drunk they're still are they still gay in it Andrew? Yeah, of course okay all right to be all right

I don't know I don't know if they're still gay or not What does a spooky bar crawl On a Wednesday night in the middle of September Entail It's a good question I was actually pretty perplexed As to what it was going to be

But then we went with that girl Ansley That was in the Sobers Who's known as the spooky foodie So we sort of have the LeBron of spooky bar crawls with us. And she took us these bars that like, like the one bar, the guy was like brought us down into the basement

and it was like totally haunted. Yeah, there was like a, like our dungeon in there. He was like, there were like 50 beds all in. There were mattresses in cages. In cages in there. And that room goes 50 yards back. And then like there was one place.

And that was a bar? Yeah. All the bars had like ghost sightings. There was one bar where Rhonda Rousey saw him in a suit. Was he bald? Did he have a soul patch? She saw, she saw Howie Mandel.

Oh my God, and he was holding a briefcase. He was fucking Howie Mandel. That's hilarious. I'm holding a briefcase. That's so funny. Yeah. Can you imagine? And the ghost goes,

it's the banker. And then just evaporates. The bank, you know, the banker's calling. What? Bank. The banker's calling. The other thing that was spooky was the drinks. Ansley had set up a series of disgusting

Fuck that, dude Like we had a We had a, I had A pigs S cargo Escargo A pig's foot last night I had a

Crinket Oh my God I had like 50 crinkets Oh man Yeah Rick where Will texted me last night And goes anyone else have A crinket belly And thankfully I only had one

I knew that was a bad idea Because all these people were like I didn't actually have crinket belly They're the next beer nuts. We were like, I'd rather just have... Like, people were coming up that weren't there when the previous person said that and be like, oh, you have crickets? You know, they're the next beer nuts.

Really? Like, that's going to be the new thing, like, at the bar. I mean, they weren't bad. They don't really taste... What are crinkets? Crickets. Crickets. Oh.

Like actual... Like the bar. Like an entire cricket. Oh. Disgusting. Man. But... Well, I hear they're the next beer nuts.

They're apparently a great source of... of protein so I was trying to eat them I don't know they were you were looking jack this morning I just wouldn't I just don't understand why we would choose to do beer nuts instead of me crickets why would we choose to do crickets well I think they're they're good for you but like if I'm not gonna have a snack at the bar everyone else was like why are you not having any crickets and I'm like when I'm at a bar normally I'm not having like pretzels or peanuts or anything if they bring out a dish of them yeah I might snack on it but they also

Those also weren't in a bear... The guy told us that they put him in a... The guy he gets him from puts him in a barrel, waits from to die, and then sells him. Damn. Disgusting. I mean, it'd be better than him serving him alive, right? Well, I don't know.

I prefer that they're, like, killed humanely, you know? I don't even know how you kill a cricket without, like, destroying it. Imagine... Imagine something about a beer, something about hops. Yeah, I'd want them to be, like, hanging out on, like, a farm. You know how, like, the cows that make the best, like, steaks are the ones I get like massaged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would want the crickets to be like on a farm and getting massages and stuff.

How do you even like trap them? I had probably 40 crickets. I had exactly one. I had a lot of crickets. We were eating them by the handful. Oh man. That is why you were so jack this morning. That is probably why I look so jack this morning. You got like a thousand grams of protein. Is it a thousand per cricket? Yeah. Wait, how look up how many grams of protein is in one cricket? Because I was thinking about this as I was eating Caleb told me one Yeah but he just made that up 0.1 grams of protein

Alright, so you had like 4 grams So Yeah that's not that much protein at all Not at all But they're 80 And they're also 70% protein I guess they're just

They were salted like to high heaven I think generally That eating them at the bar is not Could you see their like eyes and antennas? Dude, it literally was like just a cricket. It was so fucking gross. And I'm trying to get better about not yucking other people's yums. But this was like a performative thing.

Like I don't think anyone was like, I think they're doing it because they know it's like wild. Yeah. But they were genuinely were not bad. No, no, no. It was just a mental thing that they were crickets. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Were the drinks good? We were just having to. Yeah. Some of them were not. Like the. The Pigsfoot dirty martini. Actually, that was solid.

I think I just don't like dirty martini. Yeah. I like the, um, we got this like tomato cocktail thing. Oh, that was crazy. So, good. They put milk in the... It's a clarified milk? They put milk in the...

Clarified? Yeah. Like, they're like, this is milk. Yeah. Yeah. And it takes all the, like, bad taste of the alcohol way. That was kind of weird. We had an Ansley.

So I was under the impression she was going to, like, serve us. cocktails that like these bars made that were spooky. The first bar, first drink she brings back was, uh, she was like, this is a pickle juice. Dr. Pellor, I was going to put Dr. Pepper in it, but they only had Coke and rum. And we were like, ooh, like, like, is this like a local thing? And she was like, no, I just made it up when I was up there. The drinks were spooky because they were like crazy. Oh.

Like freaky. You didn't get like a spooky Tom Collins or something? No. No. Oh, that'd be a good one. Tom Collins. Yeah. Do you read a Todd Collins?

No, who's that? It's pretty good. What, he just said, what is it? What is it? We made it up. I can't remember what it was. You and me? Yeah.

You don't remember this? I was not. I do not hang with him, bro. Outside of the show, I do not hang with, bro. I would not, I was not doing that shit, bro. All right. What are you doing this weekend? I'm going golfing on Saturday evening, which you said no to, which is frustrating.

Well, Ben's going to be here. Oh, true. Max and our golfing on Saturday. I'm going to watch football on Sunday. I might meet at VBB tonight, but probably not. And then, fuck, I had something going on Friday, but it's escaping me. I'm going to VVB in like an hour. Are you really?

Nice. For a location scout for sketch. What? Is there football on Sunday? Fuck you. I'm going to have to cancel my coffee. I forgot that there's football this Sunday. No, you got, no, you know you not.

You forgot there's football? I forgot there was football this Sunday. They did. Football every Sunday. Dude. What? The cowboys suck. Yeah.

What the hell, man? Where are you guys going to go to coffee? There's a coffee shop like across the street. Are you going to be like all flirty? Can you be flirty with words? What are you talking about, man? I can. I can.

You guys talking about the drinks that sucked reminded me of when we're in Vegas, I took my friends to the speakeasy bar that was recommended to me by TikTok. And it was like an ice cream store, but then you go in there and you say, I'm looking for the scoop of the day, and they take you, like, through the freezer. I hate that shit, bro. What, really? I hate that. Like, that shit jumped the shark.

Yeah, it's totally where the bar is. man. Yeah, I don't want to do the whole song and dance. They did make us wait in the ice cream shop for like 20 minutes and it was really awkward because we were watching people. No, we were just had to stand out there. I think bouncer's like, hate me.

It always made me stand when the bar yeah, you're the only guy I've heard that this was the same thing that happened at tini's. Yeah, exactly. Every time I go to tiny. Are you like mean mugging the bouncers? I feel like I've never I don't think I have an RBIF or anything. Yeah, I think it's your hips.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's probably your dancers. They lie a lot. They know you're going to break it the fuck down when you get in there. Yeah, I need to work on them. They see your dancers taint and they go, that thing probably fucking reeks. We cannot have that in here chasing out all the strange. But anyway, I thought it was fun.

I still have some winsy in my life, I guess. But sorry that not all of us can go to bars where they have like R-word jails in the bottom. It's not R-word. It's R-Jails. R-word jails would be a completely different thing. That would be terrible. What are our jails? Our word jails are called asylums.

Is that... Isn't that what you guys were at? What's an R jail? I think he meant like sexual assault. Oh. Yeah. I was thinking... You thought they were putting special these guys on mattresses and...

Yeah, I thought it was like an asylum. Why would they do that? Because that's what like an insane asylum is. Yeah. They definitely used to do that. Under bars? That wasn't a bar. Oh.

Well, you used to be a hotel. Yeah. They're running you through the amenities. They're like, okay, spas here, pools around the corner. An asylum in the basement. The asylum's down there if you want to go check out those guys. Except to scan your key card. All right. Anyway, I never realized, but like everything in Vegas, like, has to have a gimmick. Do you guys run across that? Every restaurant, every bar we went to had some kind of gimmick. This one, they were like, you're going to roll these dice, and that is how we're going to make your drink based on what you get in the dice. Have you ever done that? Yeah, yeah, there's a place in Portland that does that, but it's just a, it's a dradle. Oh. And you spit it, whatever it lands on, you can have that cocktail.

Oh. I just want to order. There's one that's awesome, and you just want to order that one. That's kind of what I'm talking about, we're like, I'm over the, I'm over the whole song and dance. I want to just, just a song, get the drain. We still had light in our hearts at the time. And so it was like sex dice where, like, one thing would be, like, sweet. and then the other thing would be like rum

or something like that. Wait, sex dice? Yeah, you know how they'll be like lick taint or something like that? Like, you know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean. No one knows what you mean. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like one dice is like an action

and then the other dice will be like a part of the body. This kind of, this goes, that's like a thing you and your friends do? No, this is just like a thing that's in like movies and like they did it on Love Island. This applies, this is kind of, I want to apply to my, same logic about the bars to like the bedroom if I want to lick taint I don't want the dice to tell me to also on a six-sided die one of them is taint I mean you

keep rolling I can think of like eight things that would come before taint keep rolling lick taint your face is just like disgusting like oh what is again can you Google this just the yeah what happens if it's like fuck taint just like poking it oh oh oh this is is real. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be like, who is this for? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for, to like, spice up the bedroom. Wait, look at the one where one of the, one of the, one of the sides is just doggy? Um, that's a different one. I think this is for D&D. Um, um, playing D&D with that. Yeah. Yeah, these are definitely for D&D. Playing, playing, like a

board game with those, like playing wingspan with that. Oh my God. How bad do you suck at? That would be a combo you can get on that one? Yeah, so it's like a real thing. You choose ass. Kiss fingers. Fuck fingers. Yeah, sometimes you don't get a fun combo. Lick ass, blow ass, thigh ass.

Yeah, it is funny, like, most actions have like, the other thing that goes with it. Like, I don't, what happens if you get blow thigh? You have to do it, like a raspberry? Yeah, you have to do it. Oh, my fuck. Do you guys want to... Should we get sex nights? Bringing those to, like, game night?

Rolling and, like, you're, yeah, like, you're first turning yachtsy, and you roll, and you're like, oh, no. I don't want a plane. How bad do you want boardwalk? If you want boardwalk, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to lay. Lick taint. Fuck. Lick taint. Oh my God.

So what, so you, what did you roll? So I rolled like a tart like a tequila or something like that or something like that. And then they were like they didn't call them bartenders. They called them like mixologists. Mixologists. That's right. That's right. They called them mixologists and they were like, our mixologists are trained to create like these perfect cocktails based on the combination that you get.

Okay. So we're like, let's do a round of that. Those. Every single guy at the table got it rolled and got a drink. They all sucked. Every single drink sucked. The bartender back there is just like, fuck. I got, I'd never seen anyone roll like sweet vodka. That's the one I don't know how to make. It keeps being ones he doesn't know how to do. I imagine that's what happened because every single one one guy. Salsatini. Fuck. Like none of us could finish our drinks and I tried some of my friends drink. One of the guys got one that. that tastes like literal throw-up. I was like, there was no way anyone with a mixology degree thought this was a good drink.

Thick mescal degree. Yeah. And so, so we will not be going to that place ever yet. Maybe he got the bar dice and the sex dice mixed up. Like, this tastes like ass. And he's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, he got vodka ass. You look over at the bartender.

he's shaking it and then he strains it through the other bartender's ass the other bartenders on all fours on the bar bar. Yeah, who had the tequila butthole? You guys, if I got a tequila should we just do a round of tequila butholes?

Do you guys do pitchers? That's your reading last night? Oh my God. Holy fuck. Yeah. I also scared him twice. Yeah. Dude, we were standing up on this balcony and Will, I didn't realize it went outside.

So it was like an indoor loft thing and then like you could walk out to the balcony and come in another door. And I thought Will was behind me and he like slipped outside. And so I just saw this figure walking on the other side of the glass that I thought was just outside. Like I didn't realize there was a balcony there. So I thought it was like a floating guy. And I was like, oh, oh my God. Like we're going to be the first guys to like ever get like. Because they said there was a ghost up there too.

Oh. And then it was just Will. Pranking. Thinking it's a ghost and that it's your buddy fucking will. Yeah, were you guys on Edge the whole time? I'm trying to be on. I'm trying to get on edge.

Dude, the barista across the street we walk in and she's like, hey Rodney to Edge. And he was like, hi, so and so. Apparently just every day gets his name wrong. And like, isn't even close. Is it always Rodney? No, he was like, it's a different name like every time.

He was like, I think there's something like wrong. That's awesome. Wait, Edge was with you guys? no this was this morning we're doing book club I'm fucking I'm gonna be honest dude like I love

I'm only doing this for him I love this guy but like I would have given up on this book so long ago it is and everyone loves it except for me I think I just like Are you gonna finish it?

Yeah I have to for Edge but I'm not he like there are nine of them and I think he's gonna want to move on to the second one and I'm just gonna have to be like dude I'm so sorry. Does he like it? He likes it. Uh, and I'm, I'm like, I guess it's good because it's getting

me to read something I do like to like balance it out. So I like rip through this and then I get to read Sorcerer Stone. But I'm almost done. So I don't know. The good news is there's more Harry Potter. There's plenty of those. Yeah, there's plenty of Harry Potter. Yeah, I mean, I, yeah, mine's a five book series. So I've got my year cut out for me. Are you, are you reading it on like a Kindle or a physical book? I don't like Kindle. I'm doing the audio book and reading it at the same time. Whoa.

Because there's like a feature on Audible where it will have the book up. Okay. And then as it's talking, it just highlights what word. Because I get so distracted. I'll read like, if I read it alone, I'll read like three pages and it'd be like, I didn't retain it. Yeah. It makes me feel so dumb. I don't understand how I can't just focus.

I'll be thinking about like anything else. Yeah. It is hard sometimes. Jacob's girlfriend is doing soup tober at our house. What's that? She's just beginning. She's like going to go in soup-o mode. Really?

It's like Sunday she's going to make us lasagna soup, and I am so fucking excited. You know, that doesn't sound good, do you? Not really, if I'm being honest. That's right up my eye. You don't like like a red soup with thick noodles, some ricotta cheese. No. Oh, fuck. You know what sounds good to me, chicken noondle.

See, I'm over. I spammed it way too hard. Or about Italian wedding soup. Yeah, buddy. I'm back. I used to eat Chickarina after school every day. What's that? It's like a Progresso chicken soup, but then it has like chicken meatballs in it.

And they discontinued Chickarina for like a while. Or Haniford stopped carrying it or whatever. And my mom said the first week that she went and it wasn't on the shelf, she was like, this is going to be disaster when I get home. That's funny. I was watching in my TV show. Yeah. Loss.

There's like a scene where they're at the bar and they're like... There's a bar at the... On the island. Really? No, no, it's like a flashback. Oh. Like that's... Doesn't sound half bad.

Like a tropical island? No, it's like a flashback and they're like, it's like... Sawyer and Jack's dad and they're both kind of like sad drunks and they're like drinking at the bar and like... They're like going and he's like, get him. Like, they're just going shopping. for shot and then they're like just just give us the bottle like you know like the classic just leave the bottle here and they're like going shot for shot and i'm like watching it and i'm just thinking i would be so fucked up if i was having the amount of shots they're having but they're

still like totally the same and i was just thinking about there could be a funny like no it's like a sketch or something but it's like you're like the third guy who's like you're part of it but you just got like fucking hammered after it's something about like you know those scenes in like the movies yeah yeah it just always makes me laugh that they're like yeah is there anyone on i guess there are people that can do that i don't yeah it is funny it's always written by a guy where i'm like i feel like we we can drink a good amount yeah like it's written it's written by a guy who i'm like i don't know if you've ever had alcohol before like this is like no one is taking like we were having like a meaningful conversation

i had 15 shots of whiskey i mean that bad no it would just be like you'd be pouring your heart out and then if we were having, if I had like 10 shots of tequila, the camera would just pan over and I'm like off doing something else. See, that's the thing that, like, I know,

I'm trying to figure out the jukebox. I know these guys are really sad, but I feel like after like the sixth one, I'd be like, oh, do you see, have you seen the new Fast and Furious movie? Like,

you know what I mean? Like, it's unrealistic. Or like the guy, he's trying to pour his heart out to you, but he can't get through a fucking sentence because the other guy's like, that reminds me of when this happened to me.

Literally. Or like, you see like something on this, like, some sort of animal on the radiator behind them that sort of captivates your intention. He's trying to explain a reel he saw to him earlier. Yeah, there's like a squirrel right on the furnace behind them.

You've seen the Howie Mendel real? Real. He says the bankers there. He's a raccoon on the radiator behind you. We're unintentionally doing it. Like you would be, I'm trying to tell you about the real. You're trying to tell me about the raccoon on the radio. There's a squirrel on the heater.

And the bartender goes, I don't know why I give him the bottle. One time I was with... Is that a thing we can do? I have to go ask the manager if I'm even allowed to do that. But one time when I was a kid, I went, I was with my dad and like his college buddy and like, we were all out at like some bar in Old Orchard Beach and like his butt.

Like I never really like ever saw my parents like drunk. I don't like haven't really ever. Yeah. And they weren't. But like his buddy got drunk. And so I didn't, this is all new to me. and I was in the bathroom and he was at the urinal

next to me and he just started saying there's a skater on your wiener flick it off there's a skater on your wiener and I came down

and I was like dad your buddy's mad your buddy taught me the craziest song in there like I was like eight like I was like mind blown that was the funniest thing

I'd ever heard it is running into or like running into your friends you're sorry your parents friends who do get fucked up yeah I didn't even know this was an option

as an adult. Didn't even have that. Did I ever tell you about snowboard and Rick? No. Snowboarding Rick was a guy that skied at the same mountain as us. Yeah. He snowboarded, as you could probably imagine. That was going to be my guess.

And he came on this like canoeing trip down the Anders Coggin with us. We were going to go out for the day. And he was like, I'll bring my canoe, you guys bring your canoe. And I guess like him and his buddies were shooting beer cans off of his canoe the night before. And so it was just like riddled with bullet holes. And he had like duct taped it up in the morning being like, fuck, I have this fucking canoeing, big excursion. And so it was him and my sister in his canoe. Yeah.

And me and my dad and my other sister in our canoe. And like every like 40 feet, he would have to like go to the side of the river and like empty all the water out. Because he had just like nightmare shot it a million times. You never shoot your canoe. That's like rule number, like rule number one. Yeah, I sort of shot my canoe like. all right should we roadmap it up sure let's do it all right we got a beautiful episode wait what harper just texted this this fraternity at what college is this this fraternity at uh

it doesn't say what college but it's a e pie accidentally there was an undercover cop that went through rush to try and like uncover all the shit they were doing And he's there, he's going through their pledge process. They gave him a bid. And there's an undercover cop in lineup. And one of them threw dog poop at the undercover cop. And he was like, I can't take this anymore. And came clean and they busted them.

What? How old is it a cop? Look up. If you're at home, look up hashtag A.E. Pie Poop Night. And it'll come up. But this, this cop, I guess, got hit by. they threw dog poop at him and they got arrested

oh my god UW Madison that is unbelievable the screenshots from their group chat goes AEPI Wisconsin bitted an undercover cop and tonight there was their first lineup and they were hazing him and threw dog shit at him and the cops busted in on the lineup

and arrested the president we are so fucked bidded an undercover cop and they pulled a 21 Jump Street on us and now we are all in prison. Oh, well. What? Oh, yeah, look. Andrew got a picture of it. Why did it say Andrew? I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Oh, my God. Is that just, do they know my name? Well, that's just the first name. I don't know. It's the first poop emoji that came up.

Andrew search eight, probably, oh my God, man, a poop emoji with the word Andrew on it came up. All right. We got a beautiful episode for you guys. today we're going to hear your pitches our pitches do i need a lawyer confessions this guy rocks and uh teach me something let's and i have a teach me something let's go to all the haters out there were people saying you don't have one yeah people are saying i don't have one all right what is the worst part about going to the zoo as an adult oh man um it's kind of sad yeah i guess you realize that like they're they could be in the wild i guess yes exactly you can't see any of the cool animals because there are too many kids in the way and you're only five four my invention is

an adult's only section at the zoo like vipe at cocella where you can see the animals without having to wait for the five families in front of you with nine children each and you don't have to bring a stool to stand on and look like a stupid short idiot at the zoo it would have one of those fancy red ropes so people knew is a VIP section and it would come with a complimentary stool to stand on for any reason if your view gets blocked by a pesky, taller adult. I like this. I like that maybe it's like they put the naughty the naughty animals in the adult section too,

so you get to see like adult shit where they're like fucking around and like. Yeah, maybe they put like, the bad boys, like the bad gorillas are over there. Yeah, maybe like the gorilla, like the monkeys whose ass look, like ass look, like ass looks like an ass. so yeah maybe you could maybe they could put the ass face monkeys over there you know i'm talking about yeah just in case

no i know the ones who's i know the ones whose ass looks like a face no look up monkey whose face looks like a fucking ass oh my god is that what your ass looks like yeah what's your that is horrible oh god yeah holy fuck yeah why does your ass look like that I mean, it's red from getting fucked. That's how Andrew looked when he came to see his neighbor after. Buy and Chester. You know, I told her that I work at Deloitte. And I'm a consultant.

Why? Because I didn't want her to find the podcast. What? So you can't go on a date with her now. What? You have to tell the truth on the date. Well, I didn't want her to hear me talk about her on the podcast. What are you going to do if you, like, start dating?

then I'll just tell her like hey she's gonna be like you're a psychopath what no about lying about my job yeah yeah what that's like the craziest no yeah I mean I could 100% just be like hey I had this podcast I talked about you I didn't want you to find it I would do it sooner rather than like yeah if you're if you have to do it I think at coffee really first date because if dude if you're hanging out with her because she's gonna ask you about Deloitte No, she won't. Nobody wants to know about Deloitte. He did pick something no one wants to know about. I'll give him that. That's a good point.

Oh, you're like ashamed of our podcast. You tell us your barber that you're like, what did you say? You're like an AM radio host or something? Because you didn't want. No. My dentist one time. Oh, yeah. You told your dentist that. Yeah, that I, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you just tell them what you do for a living? Well, I don't want them to hear me talk shit about them on the podcast. Oh Wait, but she You have to get through so much poop talk I think you're safe But you're gonna sit down You're gonna sit down at coffee

And she's gonna ask you about your week Well, if I come home dressed like this She really will think I work at Deloite If you come home dressed like that She don't think you work at Fox Studios Come on man My fuck I look at like Howie Mando Oh

Okay What's the worst part about sending a reel To your buddy he doesn't respond he doesn't think it's funny there's a chance he's already sent it to you and then they do the thing where they're like they like reply to their own message

like Liam's little brother Sean will send me the recycle emoji if I if I sent him a reel that he's already sent me that's funny so here's a feature on every reel you know it says like if your friend reposted or if they liked it or if they commented on it there should

just be like a already shared with you things so you know like yeah we both are going to think this is funny but like when you go to send it it'll like it tells you are you sure yeah yeah okay like that a lot yeah um i've got a pitch for you you're not gonna like it though i'm telling you right now oh what's the worst part about i hate it what i don't like the pitch you're gonna like it oh Okay. What's the worst part about walking around naked? Oh, man. In your own house? Your neighbors see you. Like, you have roommates. You're confined. Yeah, you're where you're going to see.

You can't carry any stuff with you. You know, if you want to have like your phone or your wallet or your headphones. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right? It's kind of clunky. Yeah. This is a cosmetic procedure you can get that adds a small pocket of skin right where a pocket of your pants would go. and it can have a zipper or not, depending on what you want. You can slip your phone in it and walk around the house naked. Oh, I like that.

I like that a lot. Andrew would probably put his, like, spatula in there while he's cooking naked. Oh, my God. What, if it burns? What, your Charlie Browns? Yeah, the spatula. Oh, yeah, it could burn in Charlie Brown. I still can't believe you cook naked.

I can't believe you get hot oil on your Charlie Browns. One day, hot oil is going to hit the tip of your penis, and you're going to be, like, infertile. What makes you think it already has? It's going to like cauterize the... It seals it shut. It's going to cauterize your urethra and then you're not alone, man. You're hot always going to sell out of my urethra.

My kitchen is in my living room, which is in my bedroom. Do you think that, like, let's say you start dating the neighbor? Mm-hmm. Do you think, like, when she's over, you'll still be walking around naked? Like, do you do that with, like, girls? Or is it just when you're alone? What does she do for a living? I think she walks around naked in their apartment.

or she works at Deloitte and she lies and tells you she has a podcast. Yeah. What if she like... Oh, what if she also worked at Delo? Yeah, what if she worked at Deloitte? You're just playing... You're playing a dangerous game. Yeah, she did name some people that worked at Deloitte.

She was like, do you know these people? I was like, no. Are you serious? Did you lie about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Genuinely. That's weird. And she was like, what's consulting?

I was like, I don't really know. Wait, so you told her she worked at Deloite. Or you told her that you worked... If I said the podcast, she would just listen and hear all of this. I think you're... I don't. think she would if you really wait I don't think I don't think unless she she listed her friends that work at Deloitte she knew like one or two people that worked at Deloitte I don't think they

were like friends but she was just like do you recognize these names you yet you crazy for this one white boy you got you got you should tell her on that coffee okay yeah just be funny then but then she's gonna like listen to the podcast okay then whatever they like you you that's better than the alternative of you for who she you are yeah that's also better than the alternative of like what's what What are you going to do? You're going to live like a fake life with this girl? Yeah, I think so. You're freaking me out. It'll be funny if you do it in the right way. Okay. All right, I'll take your advice.

All right. Confession? But I'll have to see what the banker says. The banker's going to say no deal. Let's do I need a lawyer. I can't get over the fucking teleger you worked in Deloitte. All right. Do I need a lawyer? The night before our graduation, my friends and I were hammered driving around and throwing hot dogs at cars. My buddy was driving and he was driving me fucking crazy trying to embarrass me in front of girls. To get back at him, I impulsively decided to hide a raw hot dog inside his car. I completely forgot about it for a few days until I found a photo

on my phone of me holding the dog right before I did it. From that day on, I started calling his car the glizzy cruiser and nicknamed him Wiener Boy. It completely stuck. The entire friend group openly mocked him for months and he just laughed along thinking he was in on some inside joke, even calling himself that and even his car. All while this hot dog is seriously cooking in the summer heat. His car stunk so bad, it truly smelled like pure feet and had a busted AC, so it was just fucking gnarly. He didn't find the glizzy for seriously eight months.

The truth finally came out, and when he tried to clown me in a massive group chat, I dropped the photos of the dog I had from riding in his car over the last year. The chat blew up, and everyone started spamming their own photos of the glizzy cruiser. He is furious. Do I need a lawyer for bio-warfare, or should he be on blast for not finding an eight-month-old car weiner can throw a pig in if needed. Thanks, boys love the pot.

Wait, all the other boys knew about the glizzy and they were all keeping a secret phone? No, I think just he knew about it. No, it sounds like his other buddies have photos of it. That's awesome. Where was it hidden? Yeah, it must have been like the back, like somewhere in the backseat where like passengers were seeing it.

I will say, I hope your friend wasn't hammered driving around. Oh. No, he was probably the DD. For legal purposes, he was probably the DD, right? Well, for any purposes, I hope that. That part kind of freaks me out of the beginning. Wait, did he say that they were all hammered? Yeah, it said my friends and I were hammered driving around. Oh, great.

Well, no. I think he means like the friends were hammered and that guy was driving. I hope so. I hope so as well. I would say you do need a lawyer if your friend, your friend might be a lawyer if he was hammered, but you got back at him in a good way, I think. Blizzy Prague was good, yeah. When Andrew walked in in full Howie Mandel this morning, that's a power move.

That is a power move. When Andrew pulled out the briefcases, that is a power move. When Andrew called the banker, that is a power move. Just like how hiring Morgan and Morgan is a power move, Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide. and more than a thousand lawyers with over $30 billion recovered for over 500,000 clients.

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All right. Should we do this guy rocks? Yeah. Oh, do you guys want to open the pack of Pokemon cards? Oh yeah. Let's open our pokey cards. They're right behind you. Pokemon time. Japanese Pokemon time. Right behind you, Willie. Oh, sorry, I was looking at a picture of a baby. My mom said. All right. Ooh No, I'm just joking You get Gargamel? You get anything good?

No I got a Gargamel Oh, wait, actually Yeah Oh, I got a Nikita Nice Onix I wish they were in English

I don't know any of these guys God damn it I just want like a Nothing Fucking refractor No holographic No hollows You need hollows

To them be valuable Yeah Fuck me Duke All right, we'll get them tomorrow. We'll get them tomorrow. No, I didn't get any hollows. Next episode. I didn't get even one.

All right. Man. Hey, what? Could this be like my new, if I did voice acting? Could I do voice acting like this? Well, maybe. Okay, I'm uncomfee. You don't like that voice?

No. Really? Uh-uh. All right, Andrew, let's see who rocks. If you ain't got no money Take your broke ass home I guess in some cultures It is like customary to

Like shove the birthday person's Have I ever told you my story with this? No When I Do you want me to tell it now? Yeah yeah Okay when I was, it's in Mexico They do this

Yes When I was in Mexico For model UN when I was like 18 Our like principal took us And just like left us alone And we just like went nuts And we made friends Went to like a nightclub

And then we were like rich The dollar was super valuable there at that time. I mean, it still kind of is. We're in Monterey, too. It wasn't, like, super touristy. And we were, like, take us to the nicest restaurant.

We brought our new friends out, and we, like, bawled out, and they told the people it was my birthday. And, like, they... That we all sang happy birthday. And then they slam my head into the cake in the restaurant. And, like, the staff was right there.

And I was like, oh, my God. Like, guys, like, this is so rude. Like, what the hell? And everyone just, like, cheered and laughed. And, yeah, that was it, basically. I was so confused, because I didn't know that was the thing. So this one, they take it a step further.

Yeah. I'd like you to watch it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the original video. So this is like a new trend where like it would be a funny video and they cut it short. It's like a guy's reaction. I got my peaches. So unfortunately there's a reaction at the end. But watch this.

They put it up his ass? Yeah. Refresh it. They put, they shove a handful of cake up his ass. That's amazing. was his butt pulled out the other two guys held him down

pulled his pants down and then that guy also wait pause it he put his hand back like he knew it was coming like he put his hand back I mean his ass is out yeah I guess you're like

what else are they gonna do with it oh my god if you put fucking cake in my ass it's got to be the worst place to have cake right imagine showering that out you don't have oh my god you don't have enough water pressure to get it out so just frosting in your ass for the next call right that's saying you a good one don't make me sad like 9-11 baby make me laugh

like 67 life has made me a sexy accountant I'm always counting some different numbers for you ask me who I'm texting typing like I'm crazy with my calculator up those numbers ain't gonna face me baby I just want to be a star I love these numbers they make me high let's do 69 how many inches I hope it's nine oh there are so many numbers they just overwhelm me so much I just can't take it a younger baby give me all your fucking numbers now don't make me sad that is her song calculator masturbator I was already feeling me kind of fragile this morning and that I think just sent me over the edge that made me so much sadder than I thought it would okay so you don't like German music that's a hit

over there that's like their that's like their their bond's in that's like their shape of you I'm in love with the shape of you Okay Teach me something I have a great teach me something Okay Are you familiar with the band Jamiroquai No

Jemiriqui was huge In the early 2000s Okay And the frontman J.K. Was dating Winona Ryder At the time in 2005 Okay Do you know who you know

Winona Ryder? Kind of I don't really know Who that is but famous actress Very beautiful Okay any man's dream in 2005 was to be dating Winona Ryder. He does an interview after they break up. Yeah, gorgeous woman.

He does an interview after they break up with FHM magazine. Okay? And he's talking about their breakup. And he said, they asked why they broke up. And he said that her sex drive and her big, boobs left him exhausted. Do you know how... Been there, brother.

I have not been there. I could, I can't even... It's like hanging out with you, brother. Come on, man. But it's like, that is... That's the dream. And he... Yeah, I mean, it's like...

Have you seen this lawsuit with his NFL player going on? Oh, she said his penis was like two... She had picked... They got divorced because his penis is too big. Oh, my God. That was on the Marlin's dream. the what the marlin stream he's a looks maxer yeah that's insane that's not that's nuts all right what about this do you watch his stream i mean like everybody does like i don't know anyone that does

do you actually watch the stream or are you joking if it's like on and i'm not doing what do you mean if it's on it's not like cable all right did you know crickets ears are on their knees whoa i thought that was really what the hell so like so say something kind of quiet What'd you say? Did that made you uncomfortable? I could tell. I'm perceptive. Very perceptive.

I can't believe you watched looks maxing streams. I don't. You just said you did. No, I don't. I don't. Are you joking? Well, have I been looking better recently? Yeah.

Have you been bone crushing? I've been bone smashing, man. Smashing. You guys thought of the Botox was really bone smashing. You thought I was bin to minamene? All right, we love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. We will see you bright and early on.

Wednesday? Monday? Tuesday. It goes out Monday. Have a great weekend. We will see you bright and early on Wednesday. What am I talking about? Have a great Tuesday.

Have a great Monday. Peace out, guys.