Will & Rusty's Playdate - we caught the office thief

Episode Date: February 16, 2026

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i have a new soap so i got this app for soap no well kind of part of it's for soap it's an app that you scan and it tells you if there are any like bad things because my skin's really sensitive so i'm trying to like get my get my all my products down so that they're not gonna like irritate my skin and i got this new soap and i was having a blast but then i figured bar of soaps kind of like like i just ran through it way too quickly so i was like i'll get the body wash version still has a high score it smells like uh this is gonna sound gross do you know when you're washing your body with soap and you like wash your butt crack and then there's a there's a smell that's like part soap part butt crack no or like clean butt crack what what smells like that your

crack no no like your hand after you wash it i don't think there it smells like anything but soap once i've scrubbed my andrew get my back here there's a there's a kind of i'm not like 80 soap 20 signaling here i'm never washed my butt before so i don't have no idea are you being serious oh i had a buddy in college that that said he didn't yeah do you remember that we were like talking about i i don't remember your oh we were having like some conversation about like oh when when you're washing your butt he's like what do you mean when you're washing your butt we're like like in your crack and he was like what the fuck well i'm not falling for that and it was he got really embarrassed actually i won't i'm gonna spare his name but but my

my wait my soap smells like the soap itself smells like before it but like i will pour it in my hand and before i've done anything it already smells like uh like does it say like pre-assed or anything on the bottles uh yeah it's like uh wait when does it smell like poop in the normal way sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry an important distinction the 20 bud crack is not poop smell it's it's like uh like sweat no no no it's not a smell that exists outside of when the soap is being washed so when you wash you when you wash your butt crack a new smell drops yes okay and it's not it's uh it's like it's just clean body there's a different smell soap smells different when it's the thing versus once you washed yourself and mine already smells like

There's one that's associated with your crack specifically. You're sort of rewriting history. I am a little bit because I thought you were going to be like, yes, I know that smell. Well, I'm trying to understand how you get the smell. How I get it. The smell that comes a little off your butt crack. Right. I'm not saying it doesn't exist.

I just don't. Like, are you crouching over to smell? No, no, no. It's. Oh, it's on your hand? Okay, so here's. I'll walk you. Let's start at the beginning.

Yeah. I put the soap in my hands. Yes. I usually rub it all over my chest and I use that kind of as like a home base to get it to different parts of my body so that the body wash doesn't fall out of my hands. Of course. Then once I make it down to my crotch and butt crack, after I'm done with that, maybe before I rinse my hands off to start getting all the soap off, I smell it and there's a

different smell. Maybe I'm just not smelling it. I think tonight you should smell it and get back to me. I'm not going to shower tonight. You've already, I've already decided. I'm not fucking doing it. I don't care what happens on the way home. I am not showering tonight.

Maybe I'll shower tonight. If I shower, next time I shower, I'll smell after with my crack. But here's the problem. With this new app, 90% of my things have to go. Oh, because they're all, what is the, do you input like specific things about yourself? Or it's just sort of like. I don't think it's like for certain. i think the issue might be or one flaw is that it's not like it's not personalized it's not

personalized it's just like are there are there things that you wouldn't want in your body so it does food too got it so you can scan things in your fridge or your freezer or your cabinet and it'll you should scan like a mountain dew and see if the app crashes your phone starts like steaming but so there are a couple things that are like zeros like i'd scan something and it was a zero out of a hundred which is bad bad what like a oreo no uh let's see what wait can i see what a mountain dew is it might be a zero mountain is probably negative 100 uh i'm i just wanted before this goes away i on the way as i was about to come in here i spilled one juice zero of course minute there's not one redeeming quality about it that's so funny i look i soaked my arm how i i had

my water bottle in my like in my thing and i didn't realize it was open and i leaned forward to throw something out in the trash and i just all over myself oh oh oh oh oh i thought you meant i thought you meant i thought you meant it was like slowly leaking well it was only out of the hole but i leaned so far forward that it just kind of gotcha and it was also one of the things where i was like ah why am i wet like it took me a second to oh hey i'm under like i'm under attack you ever had like dude the other day i was in my kitchen and i got my like the string from my pants right like a little tiny string that was almost invisible it was like fishing line had right come out of the string on my pants and got caught on the cabinet and so every time i walked right out

your pants no it was like the sumo guys no no but it was like every step i was like oh every step i took away from the cabinet it was like my pants got tighter and i couldn't figure out how it was related i swear to god like it i mean it probably all in all was resolved in like 15 seconds but it was like 15 seconds of like panic like you know like when you can't figure out what's happening here my pants are trying to kill me every time i take a step back my pants get tighter because like wasn't enough tension to move the yeah it was like bizarre was there a small was there even a fleeting moment where where you were suspected the paranormal 100 that was like your mind like there's parts where your mind's like try i don't know i was like oh my god every my

my pants are getting like i'm gonna like die from it it'll like squeeze me in half if i take one step away one more step away from the sink my body's gonna be cut in half yeah i was like all Alright, alright, alright. I'm not gonna move. I'm not gonna move. What do you want? Everybody stay calm. What do I need to sacrifice? I'm sure we can find a way to work this out. Also, I just had a crisis happen. Please.

Were you there for the toast incident? Did you hear me? I got your back for like 20 minutes after you left. Thank you. Thank you. Explain what happened. I've been getting ass-railed today. Your friend who's a porn star? Yeah. Oh my god. I was getting ass-railed

at the office today. Me too. because and all right so i've i've been busy today working on some pre-pro stuff and scripted anyway i just was like i'm grinding today i locked myself in the closet uh i get up to make a i like to make my a sandwich with my cold cuts every day come on and i like to toast the bread now i better in play a lot of people forget the toast the toast is the most important a light toast it's awesome and it makes bread instantly it's one of the most fascinating things of all time it's the same with like melting cheese like a a square of cheese no appeal a melted square of cheese the best thing i've ever had a piece of bread like a sandwich

with just regular bread not really that into it if it's like sandwich that i like but just a little bit of toasting makes it delicious just the at just the edge the middle is still soft chewy bread but the outside is just a little where when you run a knife across it it's like anyway so i go to toast my bread and it's not even really for the heat it's mostly just for the texture right so i'm i'm busy and i don't want to stand there next to i feel like our toaster takes a while too we have a buns toaster and it does bread too so i put my two slices of bread in and i leave and i go back to work and i get wound up in whatever i'm working on 15 minutes later i'm like oh shit my toast i'll go make my sandwich so i get

up so sure i left it in there for an extra 14 minutes or whatever i get back there one piece of toast is in the toaster fully toasted the other slot is completely empty that's a new okay sorry that is an important detail that i didn't know and i would have had a way better argument and there's four slots in the toaster so there's a whole other half of the toaster that was completely accessible it wasn't like a laundry situation where they had to move mine along to get to that get theirs going and there's just one in there which is so fucked on a number of levels because a you took my toast without asking and it presumably ate my toast without asking he put it he told me put it in his mouth and took well i haven't yeah i'm sorry i was gonna get to the

big reveal presumably i was trying i was i was setting up i gotcha it's fine i gotcha one piece is missing which means it fucks up the ratio of the whole rest of my loaf now right because the the loaf is designed for x amount of sandwiches but if you take one out then all of a sudden you're gonna have one left at the end right and i and i and emily asked you eat the ends and i in the moment i was like yeah but then i was like also it doesn't matter if you don't eat the ends if you don't eat the ends it's that's an even right part an even number that you're removing by removing the end so regardless the ratio is fucked up anyway i'm having a meltdown i'm going all around the office turns out it's our fucking boss alex edge he's like yeah i saw it in there

And I feel like it had been in there for a while So I took a bite of one of them And then I didn't like it so I threw it out Which is way worse If I go Even if it was a single toaster And you needed to make toast Which isn't the case here

If I go and my roommate's got stuff in the washer I don't put it on And go wouldn't be like Hey I put your t-shirt on but it was still wet so I threw it out Yeah That's what it's like So I have to make another toast but just one and now my ratio's fucked and one's different heat than the other they were different

levels because i was so angry at this point that i barely let the other one toast right whatever let's just get this over with i'll put it on the bottom i'll notice that their argument and then another guy ben barrett joined and he was the accomplice he was clear yeah he was clearly a will he was a he had seen it happen he's a willing person he knew he was guilty they so i joined the argument after willie's left and i kind of pick up picked up where he left off and my thing was uh there's still two open slots yeah so like even if they needed like it wasn't like they saw it and they needed to toast something they whatever they also said it had been in there for 20 minutes and we were like i don't and they were like it's a it's a cleanliness thing and we go well you took

a bite of it so you clearly yeah that you clearly did not think it was like because it was too fucking 20 minutes in the toaster it's like that's what i said it's like yeah i left it in there too long on accident that's not like punishment level right and the fact that he left one completely not his cleanliness thing was already abandoned when he took a bite but the fact that he left one means that it wasn't a like we can't have toast just hanging around in the toaster it's like the only reason you threw the first one out is because you didn't like the bite you can't also what toast is like the one thing you can't be like i want to try a bite of it it's fucking toast it's dry bread right you know exactly what it's gonna taste compromise the rest

of the piece too it's not yeah it's not like he it's not like you left a bowl of pasta out and yeah it's like oh you try a noodle yeah yeah oh my god should we call him in here no i don't want to look at him oh my god he also so he texted he came to my office today and started a conversation like literally sounded like i was gonna get fired he was like hey man do you have a second and i was like yeah and he was like can i come in he was being like super weird and so he like went to the back corner of our office he was like hey uh uh willie so willie may have like got you up to speed and i was like oh my god are we like you're fired parting ways like what is happening and he goes oh you remember that nft thing we tried we're kind of we're getting rid

of everything and so we're gonna give you guys back your stake in like ether and i was like ethereum ethereum and i was like ether he's like so either like it like knocks you out it's like a void no it's like a type of oh that's uh that is a different thing but ether i think is a type of matter that like doesn't exist on earth it's like google i thought it was like a void ether wait wait before you google before you google us there is also and if you guys would like to get into this there used to be an ether crisis in europe that ether alcohol was banned by the church and so they figured out if you drank ether it would give like a similar effect i think it was called ether and can we google it now you can okay and no that's a different thing oh it's down

ether addiction yeah so there was this the ethyl ether is extremely cheap to manufacture sure but the well funny thing about it is apparently if you drank it you would smell like it for like weeks and so they said yeah so if they so also speaking of piss i've been getting into coffee if i have one cup my pee smells like coffee for a week what is up with that are you leaving it sitting there for a week wait how do you know what it smells like seven days later no my pee oh like your new peas continue to smell like coffee all day and i'm like oh my god i wanted a little pick me up in the morning i didn't want your piece smells like coffee i don't even know if that's a thing coffee p 100 that is yeah maybe my pee just always smells

like coffee then you just don't know i i feel like i only get that with asparagus oh also did you have that coffee every time i drink coffee my pee smells like asparagus what did you drink that coffee you made a strong batch oh my god i overshot it by like a fucking mile and i was trying to figure out like what did i do wrong and i'm sitting there and i was like oh my god so there was like a little bit of coffee left in the pot yeah and i didn't i'm not i'm gonna be honest with you i don't really know how to brew coffee i'm only i'm more of a k cups guy and so when i poured the when i poured more water in to make another batch the water that went in was like part coffee put coffee in so i think i like dub i think i created like double coffee coffee plus

and i got wait so you filled the pot back up with coffee already in it yeah i was like maybe it'll give it like a little extra stuff but and help i think it's more to do like how far did you fill the grounds up like all the way i mean i was kind of eyeballing it but yeah it's probably less than yeah it was i got back and i was like oh my this is like a nuclear batch of coffee and then i texted flan and i was like i overshot this by a mile because i was at my desk just like wired and like kind of feeling anxious and then i got like horny for a second it was like a whole like range of emotions it was just which of those were you texting flan about just the just the wired part i didn't want to say i was horny at work because then i was like yeah she's gonna

think there's like something you share a wall with edge yeah oh man well i enjoyed it i like a strong cup of coffee it did i did take a sip and go whoa like because usually no one like i feel like there's like four or five of us that make coffee yeah and uh you guys i feel like i make the strongest coffee out of anyone so this was like whoa oh hey new we got a new sheriff We got a pretty badass setup at home now. Coffee setup? It's a machine that has the pot, but it also can take K-cups. And then it has an iced button.

It has like an ounces button for like your K-cup. What does an iced button do? I think it... Does it have ice in it? No, I think you're supposed to brew it over. I haven't tried it yet, but I'm thinking it'll be... pretty cool yeah because i feel like my understanding of iced coffee is that it's just cold coffee coffee that is then think you put in like a freezer i think it might be able to uh

it might be able to brew it cold pull up how does it but then that's cold brew i think right pull up how does a keurig machine brew iced coffee uh the machine automatically adjusts a lower volume often around four ounces to prevent the coffee so i think it just i think the iced coffee machine might just brew less coffee and you're supposed to put a cup full of ice under it that's funny my buddy worked at like a cancer research lab and he said the first day he worked there he had a cup of the coffee and he couldn't sleep for two days oh my god these people are just these people are like brewing insane caffeine amounts because they're like they spend like three straight days like working on there's nothing more than i like caffeine in the morning

is like my favorite that really feeling do you ever do energy drinks sometimes but coffee makes me a little anxious sometimes but if i have like a celsius on the way to work i get this feeling of like euphoria yeah i mean i like they all kind of any i'll take it however i can get it but do you ever take breaks coffee breaks yeah no i've had coffee every day i mean sometimes i'll drink yeah like an energy drink instead if i'm i heard uh i heard a someone talk about how if if a regular coffee drinker like stops for a month it's pretty brutal but then it once you start again apparently it is like they get a a high similar to like a drug well my problem is like i drink so much of it that i don't want to like change my tolerance because i like the act

of drinking it yeah so if i take a break then when i come back like one cup might be enough but i don't take like a tea break i love having like three or four cups because then it's like you have four cups a day prawnly wow it's a lot of caffeine it's probably too much my dad has this i've had three maybe today maybe three a day uh my dad has this like right hand man at his job named saul who's like the best and he said i was just watching a show where better you better same exact thing yeah right hand man named Saul and uh my dad said he's like so I've known this guy my whole life and he's like the hardest worker in the world and my dad said when they first got like a Keurig machine uh Saul always would be the first guy there so they got

into this like competition where like my dad would keep trying to beat him so he'd show up at like 5 a.m and like he said he the it got to a point where he was there at like 5 a.m and saul's keurig cup thing was like already cold in the machine which implied saul had been there since like four and he just went into his office and he was like this stops now he was like i don't want you coming in here this early that's like uh anytime i come in here like to grab something on the weekends i see like our editors here yeah and like like tanner like caleb will be here working on like a script video i'm like this is so oh my god i wish i just hadn't seen this it's like which is definitely the worst mindset to have i just i would have rather have just

you know yeah it's the worst feeling when you come by here on the weekend to pick up some beers and then like there's like people yeah exactly that's the only context i'm ever here on the weekend yeah and then people are working and you have to you have to act like you're not just there to take the drinks and it was like a convertible full of girls like willy like hurry back i'll be right you have sun you have like zinc on your nose you're like i'll be right back ladies and then zinc like it means like you're going to the beach oh yeah like i don't like fucking blow all over my fucking lips like i've been eating blow would that work yeah dude yeah why don't you rub it on your gums and it's however you want to get it into your bloodstream here's a question

wait one quick thing about blow fire it away speaking of andrew because you were you were asking if that would work the apparently stevie nicks one night had done so much cocaine that they couldn't get it into her nose anymore and so they started uh she started putting in her butt continue uh don't quote me on that it was someone from fleetwood mac i want to say it was stevie next um fleetwood crack get in here we're doing fleetwood crack which is i don't i meant butt crack but then that also just sounds like she put it in her fleetwood crack yeah in her fleetwood crack or something or like i fuck i had something to fuck oh i finished bringing that last night finally how do you how did you like it i was the ending almost felt like the day after like a great

vacation or like an awesome concert where like you're kind of sad yeah it's open like i remember yeah it was sad but it was a good ending when you go back and re-watch it which will happen this year or maybe next year just as good i know and it's almost better because you notice like you get to now you get to start doing the nitty-gritty stuff yeah it's like a it's like a uh where's waldo thing where's waldo where's waldo it's like a where's waldo kind of like a where's waldo i would say it's like a where's waldo type situation wait uh it's kind of a who's waldo wait i'm trying to think like when someone tells you it's going to be like a who's who of la or it's like a who's who i got a waldo costume if we ever want to do something like that sorry

i didn't mean to interrupt you no you're doing the who's waldo thing i was not really well i had this idea for the live show that i don't think will ever happen so i can just tell you but it was like we were trying to do stuff more with like audience interaction between the sketches or something ever tell you this idea you told me it but not on the podcast oh yeah it was gonna be like something about like we're trying to find someone in the audience and then i'm like oh my god is that him and it's like a spotlight on him it's waldo and then chad or will or something's like no but that okay that's actually insane all right put a pin don't you keep your eyes on him because that's actually gonna be huge but i don't know something about like accidentally

encountering waldo in the mid in the middle of something important and having to like okay wait hang on that is one second yeah that's important that's funny yeah waldo uh was in the epstein files where's waldo and it's in the epstein files oh man found him got him oh what are you guys gonna do for valentine's day oh my girlfriend's in fucking europe will this have come out after valentine's day yes fuck cocks but i called a florist in bilbao today finally got to get some good use out of my espanol did you end up going with roses yes mostly because i don't realize during the phone call i don't know how to say any other flowers in spanish i was like i don't and he's like ah i can't get it and i was like see but i want i i went with white ones

because i'm a little classy what's that blanco yeah exactly and uh but yeah it was cool i was like kind of nervous to like call i was like i don't know if how many like give him my credit card or the phone or like but it was like exactly that like i was like hey i'm calling from the u.s my girlfriend's showing up at this hostel in bilbao on fridays or you bring her set flowers on saturday and i told him where it was he's like oh yeah it's right next to us uh i got you just he's like i won't even charge you a delivery it's so close oh that's awesome just yeah so she's getting six white roses is there like a is there like a front desk at the hostel or something yeah i mean it has to be right yeah i have no idea what's gonna happen but he didn't seem worried

about it and i was i almost like tried to do something online but i was like i feel like i want like a real guy so i call like a small local place and like yep i feel like this guy's this guy knew what was up i also had to google whether valentine's day was a thing which we googled out on the podcast in spain oh we did okay yeah that's okay that's when i googled it then san valentino because i was like i want to make sure that the guy's like understands what's happening he's like i i guess and then i i like why today he was like what's her last name i was like hoagland he's like what you're gonna have to spell that for me does that mean something no my dad used to always say that but now i'm thinking that might have been spanglish

por que means why so i think he was trying to say like why not it's kind of the advantage of being a dad of kids who haven't learned Spanish yet he was a big manana guy manana hasta manana my dad used to always say gaucho arriba which was his

he was trying to tell us to cowboy up just like man up which I think is now cancelled right now you're not supposed to tell your kids to man up anymore I've been telling my dad the woke mob will get me oh yeah my dad also uh anytime he could he would use he would say huevos instead of balls

oh yeah that's right in the huevos that's fun oh yeah she got a new tattoo yesterday she went and saw wicked uh that's a funny thing maldito another country yeah except kind of cool because it's in spanish she was like it maybe it'll help me my spanish because i know all the words in english which i kind of like i fuck with that logic yeah like if i saw rango in a different language i'd probably learn a lot wait like she saw the play or the movie like the the mood or the sorry the play the broadway play that's what i meant yeah it's like yeah i'm trying to think of the that would be like them going to a spanish person coming to watch don quixote that would be like uh like if there was an international friendly in america and they came watch spain

playing a friendly yeah yeah i bought um the other night i bought tickets for us did i tell you this to go see paris fc oh yes you did i finally pulled the trig on those that's fantastic but yeah she's been good she's made tons of friends she's making new friends and like they're all she just switched hostels and made a new kind of an interesting like i'd much rather stay at a docile docile what do you mean hostile feels like it's i'm gonna have to like fend people off oh yeah it's a hostile environment yeah but it is honestly sick i'm jealous or what if someone's like uh like getting just meet people from all over the world she had like brazilian friends she was like a mexican guy gay guy uh trust me trust me i vetted him uh

how old is too old do you think to do that like hostile hopping oh no there's no i think there's like well into their people's i'm worried i'm getting too old i texted wait the way you the way the way you were like dude there's no age that would made it seem like it was gonna be like 60s yeah some guy who's like 35 listening it's like what the hell man no 30s 40s people do it like well into their early 30s i mean yeah but i mean by 35 you you have a family or you're making a mistake when she was staying in hostels last time there was like a couple that was like 60 i don't know i wasn't i didn't know that i was supposed to listen what if your friend called and he's like dude i need i need backup coming out of the bar it's a

hostile environment and then you get there and everyone's in like bunk beds partying that would be fun there's a guy passed out like peeing in his bed and you're like this is a hostile environment yeah it's like both they had a super bowl party at her hostel really she didn't go what time was the super bowl on like 7 a.m there was they had a super bowl party she did not attempt but i remember when i lived in spain the super bowl it was the um well it was exactly 10 years ago because it was super bowl 50 it was the cam newton broncos one or he didn't dive on the fumble yeah and i woke up at midnight and watched it by myself and i was really tired at school the next day how did you get it over there they do televise the super bowl that's like the only thing they tell us but

for the mets of course the one year i was not american the mets went to the world series i'm sure i've said this before it's the only time they've been to the world series in my entire lifetime what year was that 20 2015 dang and i had to wake up at uh six in the morning or three in the morning every night to watch the games where would you watch it i would set my alarm and then get up and watch it in my phone on my bed on my phone in my bed did you have like a spectrum app or what do we MLB TV actually just works in Spain whoa um so I'd watch it on my phone there were a few games then that I had to just do radio for some reason because they didn't have them did their radio work no like the MLB TV app has like you can listen to like SNY like

the Mets radio station but I remember doing that it was like because the Mets playoff run went on way longer than expected and so it was just like a month of my life where i was constantly exhausted and like my sleep schedule was all fucked up and then they didn't even you can't explain to them like yeah like how important it is to me like doesn't mean anything yeah i also you can explain sports fan no no i'm not like yeah i guess you're right but like an exchange student who was just like exhausted all the time and he was trying to explain like how much he likes this one team i I think what the part they don't get is, like, the seven-game serieses and, like, it being, like, baseball is, like, every night.

They're like, what? They're playing again? It's, like, two games within, like, a 12-hour window start together. And I'll never forget watching. I had, like, on my host dad's laptop pulling up the Ohio State-Michigan State. I think it was the Big Ten Championship or, like, the last game of the season or something where Michigan State won on a field goal. And all my Ohio State fans will remember this.

He did, like, you might remember, he did, like, this thing with his arm as he was running. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I literally was sobbing, sobbing at this computer. It just was funny because, like. It's also funny because they, like, a lot of their favorite teams, like, it's under the same club. Yes. For every sport. So they're probably like, how is he a fan of, like, eight different.

Yeah, Ohio State, Mets. Like, this is impossible to keep track of. Yeah. and then we watched lost every night i watched lost there and i like that sorry go ahead no that's awesome uh speaking of lost ohio state metz the show i watched the panthers obsessed with losses uh dude when we were when we were kids we went to italy and we're walking through this like old is where my grandparents were like from just like i think it was called monte dividero it's like it literally looked like medieval like it was like kind of like this

old mountain village and everything was super old and we're walking through and we're talking in english and this woman peeks her head out of her like house onto the street and she was like are you guys from the u.s and we were like yeah she goes i'm from buffalo we were like they're from like my whole mom's side is from buffalo and they were like oh like no way and she goes my like my grandchildren are in town and so we just like met up with like in literally the most secluded part of sicily so like already a secluded part of italy even more secluded there was a group of people that were just like same age from the same place and we just like hung out with them did you uh fall in love with them there i was younger than them by like 10 years so they were like so yes

they were like my maybe not 10 years like five years maybe 15 they were uh they were like you know closer to my older siblings cousins um but there yeah there was one very sexy lady oh come on come on come on come on who looked extremely italian because her her family was very italian yeah so that was kind of uh like threw me off because it's like a very italian person a very italian looking person in italy but they have a new york accent this episode is sponsored by better help listen sometimes it feels like everyone else has it all together in their love lives all right whether married dating dating but your girlfriend's really far away single whatever the truth is we're all kind of figuring it out in our own way

And no matter where you are in your journey with love, therapy can help you find your way. So I recommend, you know, in this season of love, if you're feeling a little down or maybe just not fully satisfied, therapy is a great way to learn about yourself, understand your needs, maybe your partner's needs, come to a better place in your own mind and, you know, figure out what's going to make you happy long term. So I recommend therapy. I've been to therapy and it was great for me. And I think every one of you would benefit from it. In fact, I know that you would. Guys, they use quality therapists. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

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and get 10 off at betterhelp.com slash pd that's better h-e-l-p.com slash p-d guys this episode is brought to you by seat geek i know really you're excited i'm geeked i'm geeking off that seat come on baby i was just on cg this morning no cap zero cap uh i'm gonna go see mj lenderman and wax ahatchi joint concert the day after the boston marathon or like two days later or something i'm like what are the odds god smiled on me god smiled on me again i went to a joint concert one time oh yeah whiz khalifa come on and bob marley and uh other guys that smoke with the other guys and the guys from the other guys yeah mark walberg um all right yeah i want to shout out seat geek guys i got over 35 million downloads number one rated ticket app more than 70 000

events i got everything all right 2026 you got options so go see bruno mars lady gaga bts ariana grande morgan wallen zach bryan opener out here the openers fucking mj lenderman zara larson cardi b chris stapleton alex warren demi lovato olivia dean and more so grab your tickets now look i love using seat geek and in case you think i'm all talk and no walk i'll show you look i'm going to these mets games on seat geek in a couple weeks and look at all these things i've been to i've literally been to a million things on seat geek i've literally been to look I went to the Titans-Bills game. Mike Vrabel's family invited me, and now he's...

Mike Vrabel's family invited me, but I still had to buy the tickets on SeatGeek. But I still had to buy the tickets on SeatGeek. They invited me to buy tickets on SeatGeek. They invited me. They sent me a link to SeatGeek.com. SeatGeek has your back. Each ticket is rated on a scale of 1 to 10, so you know how good of a deal you're getting. So look for green dots.

Green means good. Red means bad. Plus, every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee. concert season is right around the corner to make it even better you can use code play date 10 for 10 off your seat geek tickets that's 10 off tickets with promo code play date 10 let's get back into the episode all right guess what i just did shit it out of your ass yes what i just did in there pete and then on the seat feel my hands sniffed it washed washed them i'm gonna be honest you dried it pretty well too so that wasn't exactly my hands are really my hands have always

been very dry yeah like i have like they're soft on the top but they're kind of i got like a little hoof action going on his hands bro you never been through what i've been through i have like i have the hands of a guy who has worked with them every every day for 60 years since i was like a baby yeah and i just i don't really do that much manual labor i don't know what it's from Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe Tugging. But that wouldn't explain the left one. It's true.

This has been like my Super Bowl week. Well, I guess it is. That's actually funny. It is Super Bowl week. It was. It was Super Bowl week. Yesterday, Geese Tiny Desk. Then today, MJ Lenderman on the Adam Friedland Show.

And BC won the Beanpot. nbc won the beanpot so things are looking at the patriots lost yeah things are looking up for me i mdl enderman on adam friedland just dropped i think like while we're recording this and i'm very very very excited that's your like those are like my two top guys they're like my two top guys probably that's like your uh sweet life of what was it sweet life of hannah montana on deck on deck yeah that was a thing yeah it was like three the wizards of hannah montana on deck wizards of hannah montana on deck yeah something like that that's fucking insane how did that work i forget you never watched any you were robbed of an adolescence you rock all right what movie

andrew you robbed him of an adolescence uh minions two no you know this uh minions one you robbed him of an adolescence zoe de chanel delivers the life no 52 days of summer no that's not even a thing all right another quote 52 days of summer is just like a normal summer oh oh um despicable me 4 yes now back to almost famous you i don't know that you robbed him of an adolescence you robbed him he goes present he thinks so he he's at school and his mom has this is a true story based on a true story his mom skipped him like multiple grades without telling him so he's like why is every kid migrated like so much bigger than me and then he finds out the true story so the guy this kid um fuck what's his name russell hammond no russell

hammond's the cool guy in the but he does sleep with a 16 year old so was there a guy named patrick fuck it uh fuck it so patrick fuck it who is that so it's kind of it's based on like three different bands but i think they mostly think it's the allman brothers and uh and this journalist this teen journalist follows them on the road and uh and writes a story for rolling stone but he's only like 16 and it's a true who's that google who's it about oh cameron crowe who's that i will tell you after i read the book but he was he's like a g he's a director he was like a really smart kid and uh and he pretended to be an adult to get a writing gig for rolling stone got it and was pretending to be this like married you know older guy following

the band and then he's having a hard time getting the story and he falls in love with this girl named penny lane played by kate hudson uh her fake name is penny lane and but she's sleeping with the lead singer of the or the lead guitarist of the band who is fully an adult and married got it and she's a 16 year old band-aid groupie band-aid that's what the groupies call themselves no i know but it's like it's like on your fucking cut or something right right but so here's my thing so many rock stars were sleeping with children how was that allowed no internet Seinfeld was doing it too. Jerry Seinfeld had a 17-year-old girlfriend at 38.

No internet. Legal in New York, apparently, but... My gaydar came out today. Did you watch it? No. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I thought you meant like I was walking down the street and you were like, that guy. Sir, sir, if you don't already know, I have...

My gaydar just came out today. I have insane news for you. You're gay. You're gay. Gay. No, my interview. I'm worried about what... It went like crazy viral.

did it really no i mean i don't know i'm worried about mine they cut out uh my detailed knowledge of the stonewall riots which i thought uh that was your best showing that was my best showing what app what were the stonewall riots it was uh in like new york in like the west they went into like a club right they raided a gay bar and who the cops the cops did and for the first time well not maybe not the first time but most notable time the patrons of the bar fought back and it escalated and it got really violent and that was is cited as sort of the starting point of like the gay rights movement because it was the first time like their boston massacre yeah is that was that like a revolutionary war thing yeah they uh the

red coats started firing on us yes but i think we were throwing rocks at them i this was more just like i think there was a again i could i'm not i'm no there was a shift expert but i think that there had been cops had been like raiding and like going after like gay bars and they would they had like weird laws about like right being promiscuous or whatever that were just stuff that they used to target gay communities and then that was the one time people were like fuck this and fought back against the cops and that kind of emboldened no i don't think i think it was like i think people got killed and like hurt and like but it was it was but it was like oh we're fighting back like people just hadn't really pushed back at that point or like on a large scale and so then

over it took a year 20 i want to say like 60s mid 70s whoa i guess but i don't know that is terrifyingly recent or i don't know if it was a massacre but that was 69 okay yeah my mom was born in 69 how do you know this it's like i don't know i feel like it's like a dude it's michael no i feel like that's like a thing you learned i don't know it's like a huge part of i didn't we never got past like history not the 1910s school so we were well i certainly didn't learn about in south carolina but i was a polysci major in college and i feel like this was a huge oh yeah very much tied to like people die wait hit the show more a mafia owned gay bar okay gambinos progressive yeah they fought back that's kind of cool five days long yeah i've also been what they were like

in there like for five days like yeah fending it off i guess yeah i guess oh my god to be a fly on that or it was like demonstrations like they were like out there every day like oh i thought like they had like barricaded them no no no yeah but they were like beating the shit out of innocent people and stuff oh my god wait why i thought the mafia was not very uh not very inclusive i think the mafia liked money and i think that gay bars were probably very profitable in in of the fact that they came with a risk that a lot of individual owners probably didn't want to take on can you imagine being uh being the guy at the like mob meeting like bringing that idea up he's like all right he's like hey boys boys let's open a uh gay bar he's

like hey you know like i don't want to i don't want to sound i don't want to sound crazy here but he's like these guys got money falling out of their pockets we get them grinded and what if And I could run it I could run it And what if we did a gay bar Right It's for the money And I'll run it

No one else comes while I'm working I will run it And it'll be a gay bar And we do the fruity drinks that I hate And I'll run it And I'll infiltrate their crew I'll go home with them and I'll get in there I will fly under the radar

I will pose as a gay man for the mafia we get these gentlemen grinding the drinks practically sell themselves think about it it's a perfect cover

yeah I'll run it could I run it the important part is I'm the one running how about I run it and no one else from the mafia ever comes

and I'll just take care of it on my own you boys take my word for it I'll send my cut up to you boss ha and we'll play chaperone

when that comes out when they drop 40 years there's gonna be a red headed lady that's gonna make these brothers go crazy the drinks are gonna

sell themselves there's gonna be we're gonna and i'll and i will run it the most important part is that i'm the one who's running i'm fucking running yeah so that was the mafia you guys ever seen bugsy malone it's like a mob movie yeah it's like a mob movie for kids it was my favorite movie when i was a kid so it's kids who are the mob i know it's kind of a high level concept and their time that doesn't make any their tommy guns shoot like whipped cream so like they're real dude i'll pull up like how many people do they kill dude like it's it's honestly it's like kind of a fucking massacre just look up like bugsy malone massacre bugsy malone like you know shoot out

okay fellas this is our moment keep a cool head and keep those fingers pumping looks like nut because remember it's history you'll be right come and case the joint everybody freeze okay you guys let him have it oh my god you're like it's the premise of like the world with all kids yeah there's no it does my mom would put this on and i'd literally wait this is awesome i can't believe i never knew about it's right up your alley i can't believe it's not yeah i'm saying hey boys get them yeah And, like, the grenades are, like, pies. Like, it's pretty cool.

I could watch this all day. Dude, it's, I'm telling you, Bugsy Malone is a class act for this. Amazing scenes have just been reported on. And how do you know all of them? What? How do you know all of them? Oh, they were in my fraternity. Right.

my mom would put that on and i i was good for a whole afternoon yeah that sounds like i think that would still occupy me for a dude it's honestly i would watch it tonight i can't it's no i didn't mean together if i were you i would watch it tonight uh when i was a kid my dad told me to go get a screwdriver out of the shed and we had these like granite steps that were like in the grass that like led down to the shed and it was raining and i slipped and it went into my knee and like cut my knee open i'm sorry man i still thank you i still have a scar but he uh he just wrapped it in a paper towel and then he put on top gun and i didn't tell my mom that's awesome i was very easy to be if you wait why was like your mom would have met your dad he probably yeah

probably i was yeah a good movie could occupy occupy me for a while but bugsy malone was my favorite but my parents would put on like a historical fiction novel they'd put up they'd put on a book for me they'd put on a book for me and like a scroll and like a treatise what's a treatise it's like a google treatise it's like a civil war disease no it's like a amputate his leg he's got treatise that's treatise is like a west for is like a west virginia look at that why would we want the image sorry that was rude treatise is like a west virginia guy a systematic written scholarly work that analyzes a specific subject so that's what my parents would give me as a treatise i also knew a guy named treatise it was spelled the way andrew typed it

t-r-e-e-t-u-s that's what i was thinking hi treatise you guys you have to meet my oh my god dude on saturday evening scott and dylan and i walked down to the we just like went and sat on the edge of the beach yeah watch sunset we got some saporos from the liquor store come on it was pretty great and uh we're sitting there and then this dog comes up this guy's like playing with his golden retriever it was like picturesque on the beach and then they come up to us and we're like playing with the dog what's his name and i guess he said remy but scott and i both heard grimmy so we're like oh grimmy hi grimmy grimmy and like get away i took a picture and sent it lauren like this is grimmy and uh after you run away dylan was like you know he said remy right

no i love the name grimmy i kind of want a dog named grimmy now grimmy oh man can i go to the bathroom now please but i have to poop oh all right sorry get him out i'm sorry should we road map it up hit me all right we got a beautiful beautiful episode for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitches followed by our pitches then we are gonna hear some am i the assholes followed by maybe some confessions andrew do we have some we have one one one confession maybe we hold it no we gotta do it okay we only have one yeah how's that one good we have like thousands of submissions don't we uh no no not thousands hundreds we just started this last week Only 50 people.

Confessions? You know, only 50 people. No, we started that like months ago. But we started like a link, like a submission link. Gotcha. You know, only 50 people listen to this podcast. Can you imagine? I would love every one of you.

I wish there were only 50 so that I could spend more time with each of them. With my family. I wish I could spend more time with my family, but I have to come here every day. And manually approve everyone's. Every time. Yeah, you go. every time someone tries to listen we have to we have to accept it like you're trying to join a google yeah so you just have to be on like spamming yeah i'm actually gonna start crying

i saw a girl that said she thought every time she played michael jackson on her ipod he had to drop whatever he was doing and listen or and sing it when she was like a little girl i don't think michael jackson would have been wasting his time with some little girl all right pretty good all right andrew let's hear a pitch all right hello jobe michael and buster buster jobe okay i'm and what's the worst part of going to a pregame oh man uh But the worst part about going to a pregame now is probably getting fucking hammered. Like, we had a pregame the other day at my house, and it felt funny because it was like we hadn't done, like, we started playing beer pong and stuff, and it was like there

weren't really that many of us there. It was just like we were just going to go to the bar after. So it kind of, maybe it feels like you're forcing it a little bit. Yeah, I can't remember the last time I played BP. dude we i i ran the table i'm so bad at it me and me and jacob ran through uh who'd you run through who'd you run through that section that's a section i am not gonna finish that horrible at every drinking game it's a bummer but you know what i am good at caring being a good friend caring being good volunteering being good son being good father being a good

uncle who do you think's gonna be a father first knowing surface level information about the stone wall riots what who do you think's gonna be the best father out of the three of us i don't think any of us are fertile andrew how do i turn off notifications from your girlfriend i get i get whenever she dms you on the playdate account i get bro's asking how to turn off andrew's girlfriend I get inundated with Sadiqa messages. I mean, if I put her in general, do you get notifications from the general chat? I don't. Why do you have notifications on for Playdate?

Dude, I don't know. That's also the problem. I don't know how to change it. That can't be true. It can't be true that I don't know or that I don't know how to change it? That you don't know how to change it. I don't know how to change it. It's the only account that I have.

You don't know how to turn notifications off? They're off. It's just Playdate that comes through. My regular ones don't come through. Have you gone into settings? All I'm saying is, she's your girlfriend. She has your phone number. The Playdate account is for podcasting.

It's not for flirting. I don't understand. So every time we get a DM on the Playdate account, your phone goes off? It's mainly Sadiqa. I don't know. Only the primary. I think it's the primary, yeah. So if I just put her in general, then you won't get it anymore.

Throw that lady in general. Throw that what? Throw that thing. Throw that thing in general. Okay. Also, it's like, it's like... 45 minutes like it's not like no it is not dude i can deal with it if it's just her being like oh banana you two have hour-long conversations on playdate and my phone is just like

i can't believe that is that is i think that was the first thing i do when i got not true at all i will tell you definitely how do i keep them on for my regular one i i want to know when my boys are sending me memes so the last time she dm'd was on sunday okay and she said she replied to my story for red flags and she said he showers with his socks on and i said banan rusty reads these and she said it's true banan and then and then she replied again you guys are gonna talk dirty to each other do it over you said this was 45 facts this was literally one two three four five messages this was five messages that's too many that's far too many and only three of them are from her so okay maybe not we read the one before that it wasn't until december 6th was the

last time she dm's since then i find that hard it was two months ago i think she needs to start calling you andrew if she's dming that account for real for real she can't plan was dming the playdate account being like pookie breath is that what she calls you no but like that's like as what do i call lauren again what do we decide sugar hips no that's pretty good though uh what was it i don't know sweet stock of candy corn sugar lips sugar sugar tits that is my fucking girlfriend bro jesus fucking christ sugar ray leonard sugar ray leonard sugar ray the band your mom is sorry your mom knows how to sidetrack what's the worst part about a pregame the worst part about pregame this is a fucking pregame or some shit waiting to waiting being the first one

to show up being the first one to show up that's right sometimes you don't feel like putting in the work to get drunk and also sometimes you have to poop well you've heard of butt chugging and you've heard of bidets so introducing the booze bidet a bidet that shoots straight vodka into your butt simultaneously getting you hammered and giving you the butt clean of a lifetime please give me money thanks i think a million people would die within one day of this dropping i don't know if i'm legally allowed to say how much i like it isn't butt chugging like so dangerous there were kids at my high school that allegedly allegedly would dip tampons in vodka and then put them up their butt to get past a breathalyzer in a high school dance

and apparently it gets you because it's just it's like it's like mainlining alcohol you're just putting it directly into your bloodstream but i don't know if it was just if it was just on the anus i don't know if you'd get i think it has to go up so is there some sort of tool that would mine's wide enough open your butt yeah you'd have to like gape it you do poppers oh i thought this was one of those like american pie myths and then one time during college my buddy was like yo dude check it out spring break and it was just a video of him fully doing it with a beer bottle butt yeah what like you put a beer bottle up his butthole he was like like upside down but who was doing it to him uh some girl or something but like pouring where like where did he meet her

yeah where and like how did he in fort lauderdale what is it what app is it how did he ask like how did he ask her without it being like without it seemed like he care he wanted it too much yeah it's like can you keep if is it like a link we can go to or is it like a private i think we're asking the same thing yeah yeah it could hit him up i want you both to know that if you ever find out i am asking a woman to pour beer put a beer bottle up my butt and pour it down my butt i give you permit i give you permission to like execute is that cheating babe babe it was platonic we were pre-gaming i i didn't want my breath to stink have you guys ever done body shots i miffed it yeah like on someone or see my body shots

viral sketch have you ever given body shots have you ever seen my no what's that one google body shots oh i like this one friday beers i like this one body shots who has a body shot i'll do it oh wait that's on camera oh i fucked up i fuck body shots who has a body shot that is 300,000 likes how did you get her to agree to that very easily i think it was her idea but she that's my friend avery god bless her and she uh said like she was like scared of like she i think like a co-worker said it to her yeah it's like a funny uh no i don't think i have ever done body shots that maybe in college the joke of that one is that i think she wants me right to do it off or i yes right sort of subverts the expectation and the best part is that ben my buddy goes no

wait you got that on video oh i fucked it up i fucked it up i fucked and i have a boner it looks like i have a boner i don't have a boner if i had a boner it'd be far more if i had a boner it'd be way more pronounced oh wait that's i can't oh yeah it kind of does is that main uh oh wait cape cut gotcha yeah damn chat chat clip that somebody screenshot that picture i used to be numbies on tiktok dude what happened we all used to be numbies dude i used to have something i used to be allergic to medicine that was four years ago i used to do a beer review every like five days in college it was a gory day it's fucking awesome those were the glory days oh they'll pass you by glory day i remember a specific day in college driving home from class

yeah and being like this is probably as good as it's ever gonna be like it was just it was the best day of my life wait what was like it was just like it was just life was in such a good spot i was wrong thank god but i i i was having such a great time for so long for such a consistent amount of days that i was like i'm away i i know it will never get easier than this i low-key think right now might be like the happiest i've ever been i did i had a fleeting moment yesterday or sunday is what monday morning at flan's to be clear not right now no this is this is i think our prime because you finally like like in college you have no money like i would eat one meal a day i would have chick-fil-a at like 4 p.m and that was it yeah

munry isn't that crazy that you could you could you could get most of your calories from alcohol and not be fat i don't think that's true that i was doing it for years you were drinking every day probably and all of your consumption was i would say i was definitely getting more calories from alcohol than anything else really yeah jeez i'd have like one meal a day i'd have a chick flight like 4 p.m that was it i was uh definitely had a few meals a day there's always been i've always been sort of a breakfast lunch dinner guy i've never been in all three i was no i was two a day for a while because i would sleep in so fucking late and miss breakfast my mom really threw off my like eating rhythm because we'd come home i'd come home and we'd have like her and i both eat

really early so we'd have like a dinner sized thing at like 3 p.m damn and then i just wouldn't be hungry oh yeah after school snacks i would go too crazy and i wouldn't be hungry for dinner i would always be so i would never eat lunch at school yeah me neither because i didn't like the cafeteria i would get really overstimulated so i would just go sit in like a teacher's room you didn't like the cafeteria i never went to lunch like all four years high school wait where did you go i would just go to like a teacher's room that i was close with and just sit there you're one of those kids yeah because i don't think i knew it at the time why i didn't like it i just didn't like it but i think in retrospect like i'm still that way with like i don't like

grocery stores and like places where there's like a lot of loud noises and like people moving around kind of overwhelm me i'm being serious you think i'm what no nothing i'm sorry i shouldn't have smiled i don't know i'm like psychoanalyzing myself well i didn't know you i didn't know this about you i feel like we're in the loudest places of all time all the time uh they're literally playing basketball more concerts than anyone yeah but i feel like with a concert it's like everyone's like look no one's looking at you like you're just kind of all locked in looking up at the stage and there's not like some all shit going on around nobody's looking at you in the school cafeteria dude you should know it's right it's more about like the stuff moving all around

you and like the noise is being all like different noises happening at the same time a concert There's, like, one noise, and everyone's looking at it. But I don't, like... Would you ever, like, eat your lunch in a bathroom stall? No. And, like, when someone came in, you'd lift your feet up so they wouldn't know that Danellen was in there eating by herself. No, I went to Miss Novenger's room every day,

and she was the best teacher I ever had. And she was really nice. We had an English teacher who posted a video on Facebook of her taking her husband's pants off. No. Isn't that pretty weird? i mean there has to be more context she i she uploaded a video of her and her husband like hammered and they're standing in front of the camera and she starts taking his shirt off and

then he like unbuttons his pants and then he's like no oh my god he's a really nice lady she's kind of cool too sounds great i never my teachers never did that i will say in her defense it was a private facebook so someone like some some little some little snake like got like tricked her into into getting into her profile my neighbor used to let me uh message girls on his facebook he was older than me and i would just go on and be like hey and they'd be like hi matt that's awesome i feel like it's that's like the shit we used to live for my cousin one time we we were in uh we were in some like lake we were at some lake in maine for like a week in the summer and he was like this kind of like you know guido he or like he was just like an old you could say

that he's italian i'm italian okay that's a better defense than the first one he was just like he had a tinder full of like you know jersey shore-esque kind of new york new jersey ladies and he would just let me message them on his tinder it's kind of fun i guess it was pretty it was it was exhilarating for me because it was kind of like zero stakes i remember how are your boobs they'd be like they're fine i mean it was like 10 how are your tits what are your boobs up to describe what are you so what are your tits been up to what are boobs just for clarification what are they i remember we used to email did you guys and your friends ever email we g chatted yes it was like or like google buzz i don't know i couldn't get google

buzz because i had a weird email because my dad it was like at denellen.com mine was will at wildenellen.com because my dad bought that domain i i think i've said this before he was very on the nose with the dot-com bubble but i don't think he properly properly assessed what would have value in the future and our exact names with how unique our names are not helpful dude did you see how much ai.com sold for how much like 11 million dollars so if you had just if if someone just had the foresight to buy it that domain can we get the boner thing off the screen i keep seeing it yeah i mean if i had bought like if i just had the foresight to buy godaddy.com oh my god they would have had to like yeah they'd have to but what website would they have gone to

buy it from that's a good point that's a good point you know what you know what my prediction is go to timdenallen.com i i have i have my next big financial play i'm going to invest i'm gonna i'm betting i'm betting all my no i'm not betting on my it's like the death of a salesman what's that your big financial play i bet i am very bullish on quant what's that apparently quantum computing is like the next ai but what does that mean it's dude i don't even understand it but i just know i know by the name that it's gonna and i'm gonna kick myself so i'm like you're buying it no i'm gonna because no one knows who's gonna it would be like knowing ai is coming 20 years ago but you wouldn't be like i

can just go invest you don't know which one is going to be the one but there are etfs that have like you know the 80 front runners that are all trying to figure out quantum computing what does that mean i think it's like like right now if you and this is i'm gonna this is definitely not true but if i had to guess it would be like right now when you search it has to like look for every possibility and then like backtrack now it can like just go do it all at once like someone explained it with like a maze where like it would to solve the maze it would have to like go and then when it hits a wall go back to the start and start again and try every possibility but now it can just go in like every little fucking crevice and just solve it immediately but my thought is

because i saw one of those man on the street things where they're like how'd you make your money and the guy was like i invested it he was like i invested in uh nvidia years ago and they were like what do you think the next play is and he was like quantum computing and i was like done say less sold look i didn't even know this my dad has a website for his book his gift was love and mercy is that about your dad no it's a guy that my dad wrote a book a novel about can you do about tim denon what does it say above photo is a hockey team which i joined when i was 34 many years ago that's me in the middle next to the goalie in the front first row a great group of people that i've mostly lost touch with the kid over my left

shoulder travis was a beauty of a person and hockey player who carried this team of older fading players with heart and joy sadly a few years ago he slammed his car into a telephone oh my god i mean for a for a man that i've only heard speak very eloquently that was kind of a brutish way of saying it sadly he slammed his car into a telephone pole on the way to work horrible in this photo he's about 25 the same age that captain michael kilroy was at the time of his death both deserve to be remembered oh that's kind of sweet you kind of landed the plane yeah oh my god what's that about oh yeah wait i actually want to try something now can you go to the wayback machine you know the wayback machine like it's like the internet art archive because

i used to have will van allen.com i wonder if you can go can you go to will van allen.com from 2014 or something this website has welcome welcome to willvanellen.com i had a llama of the week oh it doesn't it can't go to the llama of the week can you try it lyrics of the week ah that's a bummer picture of the week just like a crotch shot my thoughts under that's like my thoughts my thoughts t-h-o-t-s dj willie d world's renowned artist okay that's something that was pretty good this is my website i used to update this every week yeah we had kind of different childhoods you were like talking to women no i don't i mean

how old were you 13 i was definitely talking to women yeah yeah i was doing my website which had a turtle i mean snapchat had just come out so i was thinking i was probably like yeah i didn't i don't think i had a phone yet i was like 14 yeah i was doing llama the week so and that wasn't getting you laid no okay might have sent me actually back i think that yeah i think it probably did yeah everyone's like starting to hook up with curls and you're like i wonder if this llama has what it takes to be next up i wonder if you have a bank of like llamas who could who could get there yeah you have a farm system yeah all right what is the worst part here's my pitch what is the worst part about trash if you live in an apartment complex

it gets all over the garbage can it oh it's annoying to take out it's hard to take it's annoying to take to the garbage chute it's kind of like a whole thing there's garbage chute on your floor there's one on every floor wait that's way easier than having to take it all the way out to my like garbage cans in my alley yeah but it's like just because just because like my like like that's easier than a house you know my friend chris used to say everyone's biggest tragedy is their biggest tragedy okay just because just because mine is different than yours no but i'm just saying i think what your thing is could just be generally what's the worst part about taking out the trash because you have it easier than someone else's house but mine you'll understand

okay mine hinges on it being in an apartment okay i understood i understood i don't understand why because there's already a chute in the thing that that touches every floor why don't you just have it go into the floor of my house and it sits under the trash can and when you open there's a bottomless trash can it's like fastened to the ground so the stink doesn't get up and i just open the trash can and when i drop any piece of trash it just falls all the way down i like that i'd have to get rid you'd get rid of all the apartments just have waste yeah it's just a straight hole there's like eight however many five five holes yep yeah that's actually pretty genius you could there could be like little ones for like the bathroom trash bash trash

trash bash oh that could be like at the end of the year for like whoever had the most annual trash bash it's like drinks and cocktails and whoever the most trash wins it's like an award or whatever whatever like column of the apartment had the most trash because you were up there like you couldn't track it oh my god this is so unexpected it's just you know you think you think ordering in every night it's not going to pay off and it always i want to shout out uh dave from the fifth floor i understand he um orders a lot of stuff and so i guess that results in a lot of like packaging stuff and i think that was really big for us this year and it's a phone neuron for some reason the way i'm motioning oh my god this is throwing me back this is actually

very fun for me i call my boner my turtle the way it poking out the way it poking out when i see you the way it crawls back in his shell when you kick it i like that thank you okay what's the worst part about the alphabet hard to say but hard to remember backwards not enough letters okay i think we could totally like i had this code for my ethereum thing i did today and i was writing it down i was like if we just had more letters this no this would be way less confusing shorter yeah yeah so i introducing ready glank glank glank it's sort of a guttural clank it's Between G and F, it looks, you can't look at it. It's like the absence of light.

In like a preschool where the letters wrap around the wall. Yeah. It's just like a void. A void, yeah. Kids get entranced by, what is it, Glork? Glink. Glink? No, Glink.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, Glink. I love it. Or no, E, F. to be here i i would invest i would invest thanks i'm gonna be honest i did think of that just now nice and i would believe i believe that all right singular confession singles confession wait there are so many that you didn't use are they just bad they're just bad or they're too long um okay whenever i venmo request a friend for beers or food i add two to three dollars on the charge and when i have to venmo friends for my food slash drinks i short them two to three dollars

i have not been caught yet wait what did he say i have not been caught yet you're you're the closest thing we have to terrorists satan you're the closest thing we have to satan terrorists that is that is like preach it say it sis i want to hear you sis you want to you want to you want to take the governor out let me take the governor out what's the governor it's like the thing that regulates speed in a golf cart oh nice i think that you are a sick twisted person because there's nothing there's nothing worse i could maybe see you request a little more for the service charge like maybe you want to you want to transfer it into your bank immediately i get that but paying someone two to three dollars short yeah i'm not a fan of yours you want me to take the governor

taking it out and what do you want me to want wine and dine him and fucking pull that slick back gray hair and spin it around on my thing yeah come on tell him how i don't care you had that dinner during covet honey i want you to get me right baby i shit this is you're the face of evil you are what is i hope you don't run in 2028 but i do want your body now no it's probably not that big a deal who cares yeah it's just money honestly friendship's way more important than money yeah yeah fuck over all your friends i'll give you i think you're going to hell and i think you're bad hell i think you should be here's the thing you should i'll i'll i'll here i'll give you an i'll give you a uh i'll reason with you here you can keep

requesting two dollars more for the service charge but you should start paying two dollars more that's what i thought he was gonna say and then i was like i don't get why but i like this yeah yeah that would have been fun that would be fun that would have been like a quirky thing like if i found out one of my friends were doing that i would think that's funny yeah i agree hell next hell next all right that's it should we do this guy i got oh you want to hear something funny on friday night i went out on the town for my friend's party and i had a lot to drink and we were leaving sunny mclean's to go to gaslight yeah we're leaving and i realized i left my credit card at the bar someone was like wait didn't isn't your tab open and i was like just wanted to get

to gaslight so bad because they were going to close for karaoke that i was just like just leave it don't i'm not worried about it and the next morning i was like what a fucking i was at the bar i just had to go you hadn't even left yet no i was like i'd walked one step out the door like i could have gone and closed out oh my god and i was just like just leave it let's go let's go but i got my credit card back that's such a that's such funny behavior from a guy who just lost his wallet i know i mean i guess in my defense like i knew it was safe like the bar's not gonna throw it out so can i tell you a little guilty pleasure of mine sometimes i don't even mind when they uh when i leave it at a bar because they just do the tip and they do the tip for you

yeah it's just annoying to go get yeah it's also really embarrassing i guess no no i'm saying or sorry it's embarrassing if you were like buck wild that yeah yeah that's coming and be like that one's on me yeah has anyone seen a wells fargo debit card yes uh i remember when i was bartending college we had like a stack higher than the mississippi of them because it was like a divy college bar and just every would it go back down to zero no but we just hold them and then people would come in and yeah it was funny that you could look through and be like oh i know him i know because it was like all college kids right i was gonna say my friend worked at a bar and he had a stack of like ids and he would just sell them to people would he sell them back no no

not sell them back like sell them to like underage like freshmen that were trying to get into other bars isn't that weird to look back on that when we were like 18 going to bars there were like grad students there and you were like peers with them yeah there were like 23 year olds that like knew you were 18 and it was just like well we all go to the we all have one thing in common so we we must be buddies i mean i guess it's not yeah but i had like 22 year old friends when i was 18 that like looking back on that i don't know if i would have been oh i thought you just meant like like i had like a ta that i would see at the bars all the time who knew i wasn't 21 and couldn't be in there yeah i was just like there was a i remember my uh i had a ta that i like would see

out and he's like we can't hang out and then after the class i saw him once and uh i was like let's we can fucking let's go now and then he was like no i still don't think we should and like the next i was like oh he definitely was just like i don't really want to hang out with you you're 18 and kind of a good shield yeah i'm a senior in college i was like oh so it was never about that you were my ta but no she would if we saw her out at the bar she would like abide by those rules that's cool be like nope huh hold up drank headshot drank put it drank all right should we do our drafts yeah let's do it all right willie do you want to do nathan for you plots that don't exist or olympic events that don't exist let's start with nathan for you plots these are nathan for

you plots that don't exist a pet store is struggling so nathan decides to implement a you catch it you keep it policy the business then saves a fortune on cages which improves their bottom line nice so all the animals are just loose inside i like that an adult video site has run into a problem where customers don't believe that the actors actually have a connection in real life yep so the storyline isn't believable so they make a promise that they will be the first adult video site that can guarantee the actors are actually in love so right before they start filming they marry they legally marry them and then the second they're done shooting they get it annulled so they can do a guarantee that these are real couples that actually love each other i

love that that's awesome uh a vet is struggling to stay in business so nathan implements a bring your pet in you can get a human checkup to policy uh so it incentivizes pet owners to bring their pets in when they're just feeling sick two for one i like that millions millions a church is struggling and the problem is church isn't cool so uh they mark it as the only church that will forgive any sin no matter how bad it is this way uh criminals will flock to the church and when people see all like the bad boys coming in people will think it's like the new cool place to be that's awesome wait i feel like you crushed these oh thank you i didn't think these were good i like yours a lot thank you um a beachside pizza restaurant is struggling to

a bring in customers and b fend off seagulls so they get they implement a policy you bring a dead seagull to the counter you get a free slice of pizza with the purchase of any equal or larger meal no that's literally two birds with one stone back in ancient rome they had a thing where like they had too many rats so like if you brought like a rat tail like to the emperor really yeah that's really cool have you heard this before yeah that's actually really yeah and so they had this like bounty on rats but then people would just like cut off the tail and then let the rat go so it wasn't really solving anything either no and then rats that's actually really interesting that's actually really cool thank you do you guys do you guys want this to be the last

day you ever have on earth i'll burn this whole place to the ground i'll lock us in like that sand and glory i'd like to have more days on earth okay a locksmith is struggling and nathan identifies that the problem is uh showing people that their locks can be picked makes them feel unsafe in their own home yep so the solution is install an impossible to pick lock on the door and invite people from around the city to come and try to break into the customer's home to show how safe they really are inside i love that thank you um let's see if i just did three is that okay yeah let me read other ones and just tell me if you guys think these are fine uh a yoga studio is struggling and the problem is women are worried about taking a class with men because men the men

could be creeps who are looking at their body right so they're going to become the first yoga studio that blindfolds any men who take the class to provide a peeping free yoga experience wow um a flower shop the problem is people only buy flowers on special occasions or when they mess up so the solution is to advertise in a couple's therapy office as flowers will save your marriage i like that i don't think i think that everything stand up from yeah i think you should use my first three should we do olympic events that don't exist yeah that's it these are are yours winter mine are all winter no okay well it is the winter so mine aren't like real okay these are olympic events that don't exist salsa jar opening where they screw the top on as tight as they possibly

can and people have to get it off in one swoop oh what about the salsa dark salsa jar chip dip where there's only a little bit of salsa left and you have to do it without getting any on your fingers from the ring of it all minor winter uh yeah no my my real one is horse luge i've seen people do it imagine a horse flying 200 miles an hour down a loose track oh oh i was picturing for some reason i was picturing curling like you have to like slide a horse hey that's my next one uh okay i want to preface this by saying this event is a play on words with a different olympics thing lake flaccid uh right it's a bunch of guys sitting there in in just sweatpants yeah in the they have a bunch of people do really sexy things in them and whoever can go the longest

without getting hard wins the goal i would be awesome at that uh ice baseball imagine losing a ball in the outfield if you it'd be hysterical um i love it so fun or sliding into second you just keep going i mean you just take a guy's legs clean off with your blades who's thinking like a collision at second we just oh they're on skates yeah oh i always pick okay that's funny imagine a guy sliding though and he just he's like he's like safe and then he just keeps going he's like out uh okay you know like the the what's the long jump on skis called big jump ski jumping ski jumping yeah imagine that but it's who can who can jump the shortest so it's still the same like super high speed takeoff yeah but they have to like try and like

break themselves at the last second and hit the ground first did you see i saw a thing about the ski jumpers like the having a bigger penis is beneficial because they can get a bigger suit yeah so there's like they're like because they the suit tailoring stops at the end of your penis yeah so they would like enlarge their penises they have like a kind of like web here that creates It's more like drag. Snowball capture. It's capture the flag with snowballs. So it's a full game of capture the flag,

which I already think would be an awesome Olympic event. But if you get hit with a snowball, that's how you get tagged. That's fantastic. Yeah. It's a burrito eating contest, but it's who can spill the least amount of ingredients. So you have like a minute to eat a burrito. But if anything like falls out the side or like any,

like they'll like count it all up and weigh it. and if uh you get like the shits or something you can't stop right yeah so they just like know where your penis is they they do a 3d scan of your body they do a 3d scan of your body yeah whoa you know apparently and i again this could be rusty misinformation but i saw a thing that that when the when the you know the machine you stand at the airport they had to change it because at the in its infancy they could just see like people's penises and boobs and stuff and so now when you look you know it's like a cartoonish version of yourself like it's not actually your body it used to be like a real thing of your body and the person's penis would be there

damn i was always fluffing my shit what happened bro i'd be fluffing my shit i'd be fluffing it um all right we love you guys have a great rest of your monday i want to say seriously from the bottom of my heart we love you guys it's um obviously this episode's coming out on february 16th and um we will see you on the 18th peace calculating route to avoid seeing poverty turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away. Then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways,

like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org.