Will & Rusty's Playdate - we wrote love songs again w/ luke null

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

Everyone’s favorite guest Luke Null is back for another Playdate. The boys recap their day at Disney’s Galaxy’s Edge, debate the ethics of biting your coworker, and check in on Lauren’s brutal hangover. Rusty opens up about the trauma of finding diarrhea in an office bathroom, Will relives his night hosting trivia, and Luke performs some of the most beautiful love songs of the 21st century. FOLLOW OUR SOCIALS: https://www.flowcode.com/page/playdatepod SHOP OUR MERCH: https://playdatepod.shop/ RUSTY’S SONGS OF THE DAY: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2e5sF4pBj2HBZDoMhymnNf?si=w38C4sjDT6i4OIXq9f_eSg SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: GRAB A REFRESHING TWISTED TEA TODAY https://www.twistedtea.com/ FIND MUG ROOT BEER AT YOUR LOCAL STORE OR BUY IT WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR GROCERIES. CHECK OUT https://www.mugrootbeer.com/find-mug TO FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR PAWS ON SOME MUG. 00:00 Intro 04:13 Pokémon Blue 07:03 Dave & Buster’s 10:37 Rollercoasters 19:50 Trivia 21:38 Rusty Learning How to Play Guitar 23:33 Lauren is Drunk 25:28 Ranking Star Wars 34:09 Biting People 45:45 The Office Poop Bandit 52:09 Pitches 1:15:22 Have you ever 69’d? 1:26:25 Worst Things to have on Your Tombstone 1:29:15 Love Songs That Don’t Exist 1:43:33 AITA 1:49:34 This Guy Rocks 1:52:51 Montages 1:54:53 Teach Me Something 1:58:25 RSOTD #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

From morning hockey with a cup of coffee, to Timbits and road trips, Tim's and Canadian Tire have always gone together. Now it's official. You can now earn Canadian Tire money at Tim's. Link your Triangle Rewards and Tim's Rewards accounts to earn twice with every Tim's run. Terms and conditions apply. Visit timhordens.ca slash triangle for details. all right play date episode 127 we have our most esteemed what were you saying i was gonna say we

always said if we make it to 127 yes you know who's coming back luke's role i got a full-length back tat that says episode 127 coming soon we got luke noel in the studio today uh our most esteemed guest he was on our webby nominated episode that's right actually both both episodes with luke noel one is nominated for last year did not win do you know how did not win fingers crossed you know how bad we got fucked in the webby voting i get it was it a we had like a half of a percent really yeah i'll take it well i i think i saw what you guys were up against i'm like yeah yeah like you were up against like trixie and katya yeah i'm like yeah they're gonna win that wait is that bald in the beautiful yeah they smoked us and then did you guys lobby we tried

were you guys like yo vote for us yeah we tried yeah but like our the reach like we just don't have enough at that point it's like what's the point of a because now we're webby nominated that's right true but i mean like the fan vote part is like okay it's just whoever has the biggest podcast totally but that's that should be the metric like if we had the biggest and then we lost to us literally anyone would be like it should be who has also like a webby vote like the company yeah they do like they have like a did we come close to that i don't think so i'm about to say do you think the people that are the webby vote actually legit listen to all five of those episodes and we're like these are the ones i just can't like if there's definitely at some

point we're sitting here talking about jerking off and the webby voters like what the hell is this this is good yeah they're like oh he rubs the tip too okay i'm this gets my vote that's like a category yeah it's like yes rub the tip yeah he rubs the tip and then you guys go up and you give a speech you're like i'd like to thank that uh one kid's older brother for telling me that you should rub the tip that's like make you want to sand it down a little you want to sand down the tip to kind of look like just like a like a stick of dynamite like a totally like a cylinder just you have to expose the fuse yes how you get that then you can light it that's what's i had a i had a buddy named believe his name r.i.p he uh so i've told this story to will

probably a hundred times one of my favorite jerking off stories we were sitting there and he uh jerking off's funny he we'd all just discovered it and he was like yeah dude i love jerking off and he did like that hand motion we were like what and branded for life well you gotta you gotta close the gotta close those last three fingers and he came in the next day and was like i have seen the light like he thought it was awesome but when it was just the two fingers just doing that maybe there's something to that like start small so that you can get better yeah yeah keep getting better i thought you were gonna go like that's the amount he could get oh you know what i mean maybe oh maybe though what's yeah what if it's

like yeah yeah like you're holding a sandwich yeah yeah really really wide and really thin the size of a spam can yeah uh have you been over to hawaii spam not a while dude spam's good there's a sushi roll that i really like that has spam in it spam's good yeah well they like like notoriously ass it kind of is but hawaii is like we're taking it back like we're like because they i guess it was just like tough to get i think we like we were just like yeah you guys get this they were like because they like wouldn't survive the like straight out you guys it's so good they're good it's so good oh what is it is it you don't want to know the same way you don't want to know like what's in a hot dog like the minute you're like what's spam it's like

don't even ask you're not gonna like it more once you hear that it's 90 bird beak now lauren is is is gonna be uh going and working at the white house soon right she got your second to last episode yeah luke it's very special to me that you are the last guest that i'm recording with i hope you know that we only have one more episode and she was like we gotta get luke gone before i yeah i like a parting gift for your new job luke uh i got you a special gift and i want to do it on cam but then i'll run it over to you is it alive it is not alive but it's very special killed it and it and i know that uh you're going to be working and you never know when at your job you need something to waste time and to not um do your job at all which is an important

part of any job true and that's why i wanted to give you a gift of a copy of the original game boy of pokemon blue and i'll tell you what there is a you can start your own save file on there but you will be like erasing like a save file that has mewtwo wow that's so nice that's why luke's the goat this is so cool you can have that i'm stoked i mean but you at this point you just the only thing you need to be thinking about is what starter are you going to pick you know are you going to options on that one well it's squirtle it's the bulbousaur and it's charmander gotta be charmander right now you always go uh it says a lot about what you what your what your starter is i'm getting nervous i think i usually go squirtle because if you get

blastoise early you can get surf and you can give him surf right it's true it sucks though because get a separate guy as a kid you're like if you're not picking charmander what are you doing right but the first gym is rock is brock that's a rock-based gym which that's right that's going to be tough for fire time it doesn't do well i played red which i'm assuming is just they're flips of the same coin but lauren what are you going to be doing at the white house um you're the woman that comes out with the like huge cross necklace yeah it tells everyone to shut up yeah that's there is there's not there that is one of the uh the pros of this time to be alive is it's just funnier than it's ever there's stuff happening that i never thought

would ever she came out to talk about the epstein files she was it was the first time i don't know what i don't know what you're talking about so that you know that blonde woman that comes out leave it love it yeah so she always wears this like huge cross necklace yeah and then when she came to talk about the epstein files she is not wearing the cross necklace because she clearly because it'll burn her skin clearly was just like oh my god um what am i gonna be doing there yeah she's repaving the rose garden repaving the rose garden well i'm not doing that until after antarctica right and tuvalu oh you're doing tuvalu yeah i hear it's really beautiful this time of year it is beautiful this time of year

Yeah, I'm excited. And Vietnam. It's only like the size of a Dave and Buster's Tuvalu. Is? It's the smallest. It's the fourth smallest country in the world. Do you know they're making you pick now? They're making what?

They're making you pick now, Dave or Buster. I thought you were going to say Tuva or Lu. Oh, yeah, yeah. Dave or Buster. Yeah, and what about Onevalu? No. They made a... It's a reverse rice pilaf, Joe.

Yeah, they made a Onevalu. Are Dave and Buster actual guys? yeah they gotta it's one guy it's in his last name's in buster joe david buster david busters joe pomeroy and i had to go to why was it just uh david busters in miami for a they were paying they were paying to go like do a review of this david busters and we got there and they had set up like a like an influencer area hell yeah and joe and i just only wanted to obviously go be in the real david busters playing just sitting there with like kids with selfie sticks that were like 14 we're like is it cool if we just go can we just go do the games and they're like yeah definitely

my i remember they put a david busters in my in my town whenever they whenever that like became a thing and i remember we went for like a birthday party and my dad was there and the david busters by my house there was like a a game that was like a shooting game of course do you know what i'm talking about but it wasn't like silent scope or like but it was like a shot it was like a shooting gallery not even oh like it was like the size of this room and there were targets oh it's like old western it's like an old western vibe and if you shoot it like certain stuff happens like you know the can falls down or like but one of them was like if you shoot the sheriff he would shoot a squirt gun back back at you and so like there was one one of the of the spots it would

hit with a with a squirt gun and so of course me and my buddies were just like that's all we're doing all day we're waiting for someone to pick that gun up and then starting the game just spraying them with water and of course eventually my dad did it and was like he's like oh and you know he went like get my dad and i remember my dad in like a kind of a like a freaking pimp move just acted like he didn't notice and so he's getting sprayed in the face he's like he's just like man this game's really fun you know that's awesome we're just repeatedly squirting him he's like this is a really good game you guys played this it's really those people going through you know at some like water parks you can like put quarters and like spray the people that are coming

off the ride this one guy just picked one guy and just hit him for like 60 yards straight and the guy is just like enough enough stop it that's awesome i forgot about that that's what they tell you when you're a kid they're like just ignore the bully actually no it's actually no he shouldn't going shouldn't have that much rotation and that much range because he just the second they got the ride he just tracked him for like 60 yards that's awesome it was like he was off the ride they got so you can like be a spectator you're like oh yeah no i thought you were saying like once the guy got off the ride he was still spraying yeah exactly the rangers and stop it i'm done yeah he's driving home yeah he's in his car the person who designed that in a like a water

park being like yeah what if we make it so that people can bully people directly yeah so they just got they just got soaked we should give uh a guy an option to make sure they never dry off the whole day you i think suggested that we do that at disneyland i don't remember so when when we were walking in we had to walk through the uh log cabin land or frontier land oh yeah and you were like we should do the log flume ride and i was like then we'll be wet all day and you were like no no it's it'll be good and i remember just thinking to myself like no and you were like you don't get that wet i'm like yeah you do well i said it was the perfect temperature to dry off walking it's not wrong it was like it would have taken long enough though i gotta he said the rise of the

resistance right was ass do you second that ass it it wasn't worth your back you told me the way my wife described it this was four percent of that yeah you're right it wasn't good what was worse though is by the end of the day we were hammered because we drank all the drinks that part of it spoiler alert we went to disneyland and we drank all the drinks at the star wars cantina and they only let you drink two at a time so they had they kept being like you need to leave and then we kept coming back in and then being like you again uh but by the end of the day we were pretty drunk and we're like we don't want to leave the theme park without going on a roller coaster we can't we can't legally right so we go what's the nearest roller coaster and the guy's

like thunder mountain express and we're like sick great oh roller coaster that was the worst roller coaster i've ever been it was it can't google it is that what's that called thunder mountain it could not have been slower it's a dead giveaway if you're walking up to the roller coaster and you don't even really see it rising above you know what i mean like if you're only seeing like fake mountain oh you were train maxing we were train maxing a bit that nathan for you joke where he was like uh it was like thunder mountain where pussies go to relax yes there was nothing for you no he was talking about a haunted house and he was like we could call it blank blank where pussies go to relax yes got it it really was it bummed me out the other reason why is because we went in

really trying to give it gas yeah we were we were like you know what let's make the best of this let's go into it with a good attitude yeah and it was a 30 minute wait and then we got on and there were like tiny drops and we would try and be like like you couldn't even fit it was like when your babysitter goes fast over a hill to like make your stomach drop it was like half of that it was like the first time you got a hand job in high school and you realize that she doesn't really know how to do this because she's new at this and you're like it's cool that she's doing this to me but she's not doing a good job and i could do a better job myself and in fact i'll probably just show her right now myself and that scenario would be driving the train making our own roller coaster

i mean i played roller coaster tycoon my primary goal was can i kill people that's what i was about to say that's all i did was you'd make like a big roller coaster and then it went down into the park And you would just let it And I like that people would still go on it They're like Oh I guess I gotta I gotta try this one out I had the one that had like

Integration with Zoo Tycoon too So you could like Let hyenas loose in the park And then send roller coaster bombs in I wonder how many people Actually played the intended Well I don't Did they

Was that like a glitch in the game Nope Or it was like They were like By design It was like Yeah like You could also

You could just open a roller coaster that had an incomplete track and then people would line up and get on it and then just, yeah. I like making it so that you made a roller coaster that was like really intentionally

like made people puke because people will puke in the game and then the exit would only be one little trap of an island. Like the exit you couldn't leave and so it's just like a thousand people

on one patch of dirt and they are all puking on it. How much puke can you get before the game is like... Oh man, I forgot about that game. you could drown people too yeah what yeah like is it on xbox uh this was like original yeah rollercoaster tycoon dude i'm yeah yeah and people like had little thoughts and i was like if someone was like the burgers from burger stall one aren't that good i'd be like you die now

burger stall one that is what it would be it would be like that's crazy that's like bringing back oh you don't like my burger it was like that first one why don't you get on the death coast how about we pick you up we put you in the lake yeah that's what it looks like that is that's the that's the classic roller coaster i had got i think then we got like a kind of newer one the one that had the zoo integration the zoo one was really fun it was very cool luke have you ever been to six flags great america what's that chicago no i was gonna ask because this looks like an exact so i bet they do some like literally exactly the same there are probably some freaks you go in there and replicate entire theme parks do you know

what six flags means no uh i do i believe it is i don't want it is you don't texas it's tech six flies over over texas was is the original original one and can you guess what one of those flags is the confederate it sure is confederate american okay so we will boycott it again yeah we do five flags until it's five flags i won't go you know they're closing the one here are they closing the one up north i believe they just announced they're closing the one in california dude i did that six flags bye-bye go six flags google six flags bye-bye go bye-bye go wait magic what is magic mountain that's the la one um i went there i wrote x2 and it ruined my life uh no i thought i was gonna die six flags magic mountain is not close wait it says

six flags there's two in california but not the one by us oh one dot sorry i wanted to click that what what i hate these articles fucking tell me santa clara and bowie maryland oh i was thinking of bowie maryland all right so everything sucks and is bad right like especially the internet is just slowly getting worse and worse and worse do you ever fuck around are you ever on on reddit you ever fuck around yeah dude we're guys so i've been i'm a i've been redditing too much for too long right but i hate have you noticed that they started putting ads in the comments that look like comments yes yeah what so there's like in bet like if you like click anything and go to the comment section like the third one down is looks like a comment but it's

just an ad and so i'm like i'm getting tricked into reading ads and i'm like it makes me so fucking this is what pisses me off more than anything is that like these all these like local newspapers that were going under got bought up by like usa today and then they all have the same interface with way too many ads and all the articles are written like not like journalism it's just AI slop that gets you to scroll as far as you possibly could to get the information you want that's exactly what it is and then there was there was a period of time for like I remember like they would do like um like if you wanted to check like NFL power rankings yeah like it was like you had to click through different pages and I'm like I'm going to find the headquarters of

wherever you run this website and I'm going to show up with a katana and I'm going to kill bill every one of you guys yeah i actually have no spoilers haven't seen oh sorry um she doesn't do that she doesn't thank god luke got in this morning i was like uh hey man can i get you anything like water accelerator coffee root beer and i was like because i was just listing things that we had and i was like you can't just slip that in with like the normal drinks at 9am like that's gonna be one certified mug moment this episode is brought to you by mug root beer come on the gold standard for the root beer industry and let me tell you these zero sugar mug root beers are freaking great i've got that dog in me i got mug root beer and i got a mug of water

of this mug a mug mug and if i put this in here it might break the internet honestly i love mug group here i was gonna ask you what's a moment where you had that dog in you every single morning and i don't think that's unrelated to the fact that i have about four to five mug zeros before noon every day which we wouldn't those that's for pros only i wouldn't recommend an entry-level mugger getting into getting into that those kind of numbers listen man uh i think i know a thing or two about getting mugged and it is the best so uh yeah i don't know i just feel like it gives me After I have a few mugs, I walk around the office like a guy with swagger. Yes.

He's barking. He's biting. He's peeing on fire hydrants. He's doing all sorts of fun stuff. Guys, next time you're looking for that cold, cold, sweet, cold, frothy mug flavor, crack open a mug root beer. Head to your local grocery store, liquor store, anywhere you want. you can go to their website if you want anywhere any any way you can get your hands on some mug do it go to mugrootbeer.com they've got the coldest mugs actually no this is the coldest mug

i oh mean mugging ready mean mugging i love you guys let's get back into the episode all right before uh being passed by taylor swift the last two years who was the most streamed artist on spotify every year from 2020 to 2022 ed sheeran no drake no michael jerkson you can't just throw you gotta uh i would either deliberate i'll deliberate okay for me i'm immediately thinking a queen bee but it's probably someone that's like country or something really 2019 you guys got this wrong right yeah i didn't get i don't know who was it what what kind of music i thought it was the weekend i feel like once you think about you'd be like oh that makes sense justin bieber music you guys listen it's freaking pitbull oh it's bad bunny

okay i had i had a show at the uh laugh factory in san diego a couple years ago and i remember being like i love i performed san diego a bunch of times like i can usually sell some tickets down there people are super awesome down there and they'll come out and see me and i was like they were like yeah you have like an embarrassingly low amount of tickets and i'm like oh no what the hell and then i went i walked up onto the street and it was like a human river bad bunny was playing at petco and i remember just being like it was like people were zombies like damn making a pilgrimage bunny and i started being like that in that moment i went oh back bunny's like dominate yeah dominant massive dominant and and then you did reggaeton songs all night and then

i just did luke and i were talking about this before you got here i was like uh how'd you get into or when did you start playing guitar and he was like 14 i was like oh yeah when i was 12 uh my mom got me a guitar for my birthday but why because my mom was dating a guy in a band and uh i think whatever and uh and so i got this guitar i was like i don't really want this and she was like you're doing guitar lessons down at like our neighbor's house and he had graduated like with my babysitter who was 18 when i was four so he was like 30 years old 40 and uh i go to his house it's like super mildewy and kind of like a weird vibe in there and he was a fine guitar player but he didn't he wasn't a great teacher got it and so we would kind of just he was just

like play and i would just kind of watch him like i learned almost nothing and then he was losing his hair like he was like almost bald at like 30 something there's nothing wrong with that but he looked at me and i had a ton of hair he was just playing and i was just watching him and he stopped and he looked at me and he just goes how old are you and i was like 12 and he was like i started losing my hair around then and then just started playing again i was like what and i think that was like one of the last times i went my mom was like yeah that probably wasn't the best that guy stormed the capitol yeah give me some of that hair give me hey hey kid i'll teach you how you do that hair i'll teach you an extra song if you give me a couple hair take your smoke on the water if you

Give me some of those hands. Speaking of molds. These are the classic first songs that they teach you on guitar. You got to have a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's, of course.

Yeah. lauren's got the giggles today i'm like giggly lauren i was like drunk this morning when we we we partied last night we party how late we were at jameson's like one in the morning jesus lord okay dude and then me and ava drove around just like listen she was showing me a bunch of new songs it's like one of my best friends and i i was awake till like 2 30 and i'm like i gotta wake up and do the pod it was that's when you go to the dentist i was like i gotta wake up and do of pie i gotta wake up i'm hammered right now so you're you're feeling a little like a little lightheaded i'm a little i'm getting like heat flashes and but a friend who you trust

to show you new tunes is an important friend oh yeah she's like the she's my best music friend like well she works in the music industry so she's just like she shows me the best music i was listening you guys ran until 2 30 last night i was not i thought i was being wet and wild last night my buddy uh has a little fire pit in his backyard and we went and drank i drank guinness beers by the fire honestly though guinness goes hard and again it's got it's like low abv it's it's not as damaging which means you can drink a hundred of them in a car for the record it's it's like slightly lower than like a light beer but it's like 15 ounces so i think it like yeah it comes out to the same thing and it's a it's at nitro i think it's literally like the way the

size that they give them to you at jameson's like would be the equivalent of like yeah and they're all it's all two for one i don't understand that it's two for one like whenever they decide yeah it's i went up they didn't give it to me and maya they i think they only give it to some people and the guy told me they definitely don't give it they're not like eyeball on it i was they were like you don't get it you have to do one for white wine and he was like yeah that's two for one too you're like what's going on the glasses of white wine are two for one all right what about red is like five for one but the way you were doing like a cool thing where you're driving around and like finding new music and like getting keyed in i was sitting around a fire with

a bunch of uh mid to late 30s guys and we were uh putting the ranking episode one through nine of your star wars from worst to best yep do it as fast as you can without thinking uh worst to best star wars i can only do six okay i haven't seen the other ones okay i would go and this isn't or you watched them all recently you gotta go quick uh for me worst to best oh uh four is worst i don't like i didn't like when they got when they because i started to best yeah i started with the prequels i didn't like a new hope uh you just got rap rap four all right four one five six two three okay you're about to get lit up in the comments i don't know no i'm pretty close to that actually are you yeah i'm a prequel we're also younger though mine's uh i mean mine's

like yeah it's like uh four uh is the worst one a new hope to you of all the star wars movies is the worst one wait is it all nine oh okay okay then you do the six you do just six so i can see how close i was yeah yeah well you do yeah you do not i probably go recent trilogy four four two six five one three i didn't know like are you guys allowed to do fist fighting on this podcast are you guys allowed to absolutely throttle each other with real punches without love but you have to understand we i get it we grew up with and i'm into hayden christensen i just want that on the record yeah you know he reeks apparently good i'm also into natalie portman so there's oh no natalie portman was an awakening for me unbelievable oh but i don't know

she didn't do it for me after episode one like the story of the prequel like i like the the you like the political stuff about like how they come to power like that's why i love andor that's why like i i think that part of star wars i find much more captivating than like the space opera jedi shit i i hear that and i'm not saying obviously i like the jedi shit sure it's okay to be wrong yeah we talked about this and then all the other the other ones if you include the other ones it starts nine eight seven or nine eight seven eight maybe right i mean the the I would say Nine is so bad

I hate it so much Let me rip off fast Yeah you go Nine worst one Episode two Real bad Hayden Christensen That's the

His first one Which Nah Opening scene is sick though But General Grievous is cool And the opening scene There's good stuff in all of them When it's fake

Padme Yeah that's true Hard as shit That's true The Coruscant Okay Or she gets blown up Nine

Two Eight Three What one seven four five six wait three is the best one yeah return of the jedi's best one dude ewoks ewoks are fun ewoks ewoks rock here's the thing harry potter's this is lauren's 11 harry potter's harry potter's from wars probably like 12 9 4 6 i'm gonna go part one part two those are the worst ones those are the worst ones uh those are the worst i can

agree to that right away and then i'm gonna start from the best now okay three yeah five four six one where's two oh chamber of secrets somewhere in the top i like i think i there's nostalgia but i think one is the worst one one used to be my one used to be my favorite because i didn't discover harry potter until sophomore year of college nostalgia is baked into the ranking though and for that reason one gets a big boost because there's so much fun cool stuff that you are learning in real time in one i actually like the last two though is that a bad no no some people like it's totally very different and i've told i've told willie this i like and the reason i like one better than those is i like when they are whimsical kids at a wizard school

yeah i don't like school when they're never at school and they're fighting a war yeah they're not i don't i didn't want them to be soldiers i liked when it was like you were learning about fun magic and by the end the way that it looks changes big time too it's grim well it's like it kind of looks like if you've ever watched like any of those like bbc shows like a like a like a Sherlock or Luther or any of those shows it looks like it's shot with those cameras where I'm like I kind of like the old

the original the first three I like a lot but the best one is Goblet of Fire Goblet of Fire number one I still like Prisoner of Azkaban better that's one of the best ones too Goblet of Fire goes dummy it goes dummy mode

but what it does is it also stays goaded and it's got Falbo's friends in that one yeah that's true cedric diggory yeah yeah i like that someone gets killed straight up i in there the times in harry potter where you realize like some ghosts are just hanging out at the school like moaning myrtle right you're like wait a girl died in the in the bathroom and we're just like we accept 12 year olds we accept that there is a ghost who's in the bathroom she died in the bathroom yep uh she's just gonna live in the girls room and you gotta accept that they're

also this is this is a prestigious prep school where uh a large percentage of the teachers are evil and want to kill some of the students every year at least one of the teachers is going to try to kill a student that's just that's just something we've come to live with here at hogwarts and look we it tends to be the person who's the defense of the dark arts teacher and it's like did we employ five straight that wanted to kill a kid yes are you excited for the tv show nah but i'm ready i'm ready for it oh i'm actually i'll have to be a second waiver i'll be a second waiver no i'm getting in i'm getting in there where are they starting from uh it's like the book it's like the book so each okay each season apparently is going to be a book right in terms

of the storyline that many seasons i think they already signed on for like seven seasons i mean it's harry potter it's not gonna that's the guy yeah they kind of also snape's black now yeah that's a crime of grendel wald i like how much instantly the internet was like you can't do that you need to be chill you need to just be chill oh hermione hermione's also uh indian maybe pull up new hermione new hermione just dropped while i still got on the brain natalie portman hosted stop uh i'm not gonna be able to get her out i mean i love her yeah uh I remember being in the room while Stephen Castillo and Andrew Dismukes pitched Natalie Portman a sketch.

And they were like, we have this idea for a sketch where it's the E! True Hollywood Story of Jar Jar Binks. And she sits there and she's so sweet and she listens to their pitch. And then she leans over and she goes, I don't make fun of Jar Jar. Actually? She leans over and she touches Stephen Castillo's knee and she goes, I don't make fun of Jar Jar.

He had a really tough time. he had like he's a really close personal friend of mine and like people treat him like shit who is uh his name's ahmad best and famously oh i was thinking of javid best oh you're not the same guy not not the running back for the for the detroit line he's a dog he's a dog but apparently but basically she leaves and they've been working all day long you've never seen this guy just pulled up jar jar banks looked at me and went well like what i don't what am i like that guy looks crazy uh no just just basically she shattered their world she's like the thing you've been working on all day throw that in the trash yeah and then she leaves the room and uh they they kind of look

at each other and they're like that sucks we've been working on that for hours and hours and hours and then steven goes don't care she touched my leg don't even care at all instantly forgiving she touched my leg i no longer care she is dude lauren's crazy right now just pull up another picture of of jargon went i like the little lego uh should we road map it up yeah oh my god wait sorry what were you gonna say luke no nothing i have one more i have one more thing i do you see that girl that just got fired from like a big time law firm for she was an intern she would not stop biting her co-workers so they fired her she bit they said she bit 10 co-workers before she got fired i want like i need to figure out and now lauren's getting hired at that you come in with

stories i haven't even yeah people are uh this is the top link how many people do you gotta bite it's 10 10 they said she wasn't doing it in like a malicious way she would just like walk up behind me like and then like bite them and one guy way worse one car seat head the the apparently the last straw the final straw when she bit someone who worked in hr yeah they like i apparently like didn't believe that she was doing it until then and then she bit someone on the bicep that's and left her like she would have gotten away with it if she hadn't gotten too greedy and tried to go for it yeah you went for hr you couldn't resist a yummy hr bicep she goes i was being playful in the moment but went too far and there was absolutely no excuse for my behavior

that's that's his cobra kai actor martin cove said that is this oh that guy's set of cobra This is another AI slob shit. It says in June. Oh, I think that's referencing a separate incident. Yeah. All right. Now you bring up biting a bicep. If you had to take a bite of a human, where are you going for?

Gooch. Gooch? No, there's not enough meat down there. I was about to say, there's a lot. Like breast, maybe? For me, there's a lot. A breast? It's kind of fat.

Oh, a pec muscle? I would do thigh. Yeah. I think I would do butt cheek. Yep. but you'd have to get a really good you it couldn't be like a bacon slice you'd have to get some meat and some what about calf oh calf i like the uh the hr person goes nibble is too tame of a word describing it she's biting people nibble is too we used to lick people's uh like weenuses

like the elbow because you can't feel it and i remember we did it you can't feel it that's like the reason you can do it is like if your arms like this you like lick it there's no like there's not a lot of nerve endings there so like that's the part of your body that they wouldn't totally feel it well because you're like rubbing it's like well it's because you're not getting licked yeah i don't know you couldn't totally feel it when i debate one of you guys into licking it no one's fucking they may have patched it but when we were kids and my software update my sister did it to to either me or like a stranger in front of us in mass when we were like getting uh communion and it was it was a whole thing i remember at a kid getting communion ahead of me and he was

younger than me and he had definitely like not gone through the like first communion thing right and he just like like because you're supposed to just take a little rip of the wine right he grabbed the wine cup from the priest it was like took a fat took it to the skull and i remember being like yeah but isn't it like a different type it's alcohol though yeah yeah but like low it's like lower it's low it's like cooking wine or something there's a kid there's a video of a kid at like a catholic high school and his friends videoing it on snapchat and he grabbed the wine and chugged the whole thing i i witnessed like a seven-year-old do that and i just remember being like dude gordon just took a full that full blood of christ to the face dude gordon absolutely housed the blood of

Our big mistake is we haven't chugged it I will see you in homeroom These are not the droids I'm looking for Alright, I'm gonna pee and then we'll do the roadmap Love it This episode is brought to you by Twisted Tea Twisted Tea

It tastes like real iced tea because it's made with real brewed tea with a kick we're talking five percent abv full of flavor very refreshing goes down smooth that's a big thing for me carbonation is all fun and games until daddy is blown up like a balloon come on don't tempt me with a good time but yes i hear you uh they go down smooth they're delicious and you can taste that it's real tea this is the best possible thing to drink during these dog days of summer come on ever heard that saying dog days of summer no it's awesome it's really good yes um i'm going to the beach this weekend in maine i'm gonna be with my family and uh some of my close friends there's some twee heads i don't know if

you guys have ever been to the denellans beach house they are some tweakers they they do not leave home without their twisted tea and i'll be uh drinking the half and half i call that uh the uh it's like the arnold palmer of twisted tea is i've something i came up with yes but you guys are gonna love this seriously uh the best time to have a twisted tea is when you're chilling on the beach or golfing or on a boat so one of those three or at your house or in a movie theater yes so guys go grab a twisted tea today we love you let's get back into the episode i feel like too i started thinking of ages like when you're in high school you have four years then you're college for four years i started thinking of life in like four year increments so technically now

that you're 25 this is kind of your senior year of post college this is my senior year post college yeah we're juniors why because we're 24 right so you guys are only i'm the same year as lauren though we graduated high school actually i'm a i'm a i'm a sophomore you do give sophomore energy okay wow where's the freshman can we pull it out not bad it's just like a uh sophomore energy you don't want sophomore sophomore is cool really sophomore year was probably the coolest i ever was i think me too because then you have older friends yeah you know what i mean whereas when you're a senior and you have sophomore friends you're like mine went like this not cool freshman year cool sophomore year same amount junior year and then i was took a dip i was the least cool kid

of my college senior year why uh i was just like over over it and uh and i had uh that's probably when i looked my worst too so i looked like 30 because i had a buzz cut and a beard senior year and then i was just hanging out with my two best friends that were mine went to italy for the first semester so i was just hanging out with like the sophomores in my fraternity um oh i got one lauren at lauren went and got my vape out of her office oh lauren did not i went and got it out of my out of her office and it reminded me i went to the the vape shop in brentwood the vape lounge which was confused i never went because i thought vape lounge i thought you're supposed to hang out that's what i that's like why i didn't go is i was like i don't want to go in and do the whole experience

like a hookah lounge yeah i thought you would have to like sit on like a leather chair and and rip it all there but the one big vape in the middle whatever and uh these kids like i've talked about this but brentwood has a a problem where there are 12 to 16 year olds like ripping around town on these electric motorbikes and they just like wreak havoc on on our fair city and these guys zipped by and this old guy was hanging out in there and he was like uh he was like those damn kids he's like i'm an ex-cop and i'm just telling you i wouldn't let like i wouldn't let it go down this way when i was on the forest whatever i was like oh my god yeah these kids those kids came to my town or to came to my uh street they had

thrown broccoli cheddar soup at a car and then they thought my street was the getaway street but it ends in a cul-de-sac so he trapped them down there and i told him that story and he was like what they look like and i described them and he was like those are the same kids uh this kid kept calling me and he goes stop selling vapes to my mom or i'm gonna kill you and and i was like oh my god what he was like yeah and then i told him i'm right here i'll work until nine come on down and he said the kid actually like four minutes later was there egged the storefront window and then peeled off i wish i wish he had also used brock again broccoli cheddar soup yeah he exclusively does card yeah he's the broccoli cheddar soup fiend the broccoli cheddar assassin so he said

don't sell my mom vapes or i'll kill you oh this is an important time he's he's a kind of guy who vandalizes but he's also like really worried about his mom yeah yes it's like in spider-man the sandman is like only doing it to save his his daughter okay yeah yeah there's shades of gray so he said wait that's why he's putting stuff in your eyes at night the real the real save my daughter the real the real uh kicker to that was he said i forgot to bring this detail he said uh who's your mom and the kid said his real mom's name who was a stick who was a real customer so it was like the kid was actually mad about it it wasn't like oh yeah he was like stop selling vapes to my mom you're gonna kill my mom i like the like if it had worked when if the guy

had been like all right fair enough i'm gonna sell vapes to your mom anymore that his mom wouldn't just come and be like hey i'm buying a vape and he's like you actually you're actually cut off you actually cut off then she wouldn't just be like okay i'll go to that gas station like like oh well i guess i can't vape anymore or maybe he called that he called all the spots yeah yeah he got all of the places in the area there's a little picture of her that's like do not serve my mom do not fuck my son my son's a wall of shame exactly just her all right should we road map it up i wonder how vaped out she got to have i would be pretty bummed if my mom was vaping if my mom was vaping i'm like just smoke a cigarette all right we have a beautiful episode

for you guys today we're gonna hear your pitches followed by our pitches and then we're gonna do am i the asshole and then we'll do reddit guy he's gonna like that this guy rocks this guy rocks this guy rocks today hey hey instead of this guy rocks and he rocks so hard he rocks in your house sandy rocks in your yard there's rocks in my yard and then we're gonna do teach me i was gonna say do you know it on guitar i know it on guitar should we try it we'll get there we'll get there and then we'll do teach me something and then we're gonna do love songs that don't exist followed by worst things to have on your tombstone and then we'll wrap up with rusty's song of the day sick lauren pitch us oh no it's my turn i can't breathe right now you're going

through alcohol i'm like you why can't you breathe is it because your lungs are all fucked or something from just i'm just having like shallow breathing i don't know shallow something shallow breathing sounds like a not well it's just it's just a hangover symptom also i can't feel the left side of my body just now wait lauren's hangover symptoms seem like like way more serious in my lawns like i'm having hot flashes and i have shallow breathing i think have you had your dads yet i think it's that's the day after drinking shits oh you know what i can i be honest when we took a break during the road map i had my dad you had a dad i was so i was bursting at the seams to the point where i just went down there was oh it was like i opened uh like a cargo hatch

it's like when they're when the planes fly over a fire yeah yeah and then we're like in the shining when the elevator opens up and all blood comes out i haven't seen this oh jack did you figure out the culprit of the the bathroom incident who's the bathroom incident remember like last week you came into our suit and you're like somebody oh my god luke someone blew up the bathroom last week i'm surprised that no one is talking i forgot about this i went we have two bathrooms in the back that are for their poop exclusively for pooping i went in there the most when I say the most the most diarrhea I have ever

seen in my entire life with no toilet paper just in the toilet unflushed what are we doing? I almost sent out a company wide slack like one we gotta be wiping but two the most

diarrhea I've ever seen no toilet paper I regret bringing this up I don't let's unpack if it's diarrhea why are you not flushing why are you not wiping if there's no tp there it's not up to you anymore you know what i mean there's no tp wait no no no he's saying there was toilet paper in the bathroom there was none in the toilet that's what they didn't know the most direct like alien like i would i would actually be shocked if it came out

of like a human being who's not dying this week where some see heroes and others see egos bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes while others follow the noise we follow the money learn more at bloomberg.com the only scenario that i could think of where it looked like there was no normal poop like there's no way that this was a clogged toilet and that like because it was i was looking at i was looking at um oh clogged toilet it's not a bad theory no no it wasn't like because you know what i mean like there was no it was not because when it's clogged it's diluted with water and it's mixed up yeah this was a there was liquid shit there was there was still steam coming off like the culprit was still in the building you know i would i can't say it but

the only person who would have the audacity to do something with that is the kind of person who knows they're about to leave and never see us again and i'm gonna throw in a second i have a woman's bathroom why would i go in that's true because obviously you wouldn't be suspected and that's why i only take shits in the woman's bathroom you know kenward uses the woman's bathroom all the time he's in touch with his feminine side god forbid that makes sense now liam was the you say he was a guest last time is there a chance because liam if you take a look at the guy you think this is the kind of guy that doesn't flush diarrhea right yeah because i know him pretty well and i'm like this guy don't flush i feel like i feel like because he's in a hurry

I feel like... Was it you? I think it was you. Dude, there... So I came into the... This room was the first room I came to tell it in, and I will say his tail went between his legs. Really?

I just... He just looks like a guy who would just... All right. I want to say why it wasn't me. I want to say... I'm just saying this. I wish I could have diarrhea. Yeah.

I'm a logs-only kind of guy. I've been... I think maybe... I don't know, a little sick or something. I've been diarrhea-ing. See a little bit of butt piss Is cleansing Even if you get sting ring

Eventually it's like your stomach acid And you do get sting ring Alright comment down below if you're eating lunch Comment if you're eating lunch right now And you're loving this Comment if you've ever had lunch Comment if you've ever had lunch But you currently have sting ring

Because you had a really fiery liquid shit Sting ring is all about My dad My dad Only a dad could come up with sting ring is real though oh but if you're out there if you're listening to this and you work here and you did that i'm gonna fucking find you i i you better you better count your days because i almost sent a slack what if last week inexplicably they brought in 30 italian high

schoolers yeah was it the italian what if it was that's the same day because they don't because they're used to a bidet and they're used to not eating uh mcdonald's for every meal like we do here when we had one of the italian that was the same day one of the italian scallions what do you think one of the little i don't think that was the same day was that the same that was the exact remember we walked out there's all that no it wasn't the day we were recording i don't think i don't know remember we were recording we walked out and they were all i'm saying i don't know if the day i found it was a day that we recorded it was bad man do you take a sample oh i feel like edge could do it too i feel like he gets like he gets like i get like pictures face getting all

the craziest part was there was no toilet paper it's one thing if you just forget to what if someone upper decked good point oh one of the italians they're like or maybe they took the toilet paper with them that actually is not a bad uh theory is someone took a shit did it normal style wiped flushed left and by flushing they upper decked and refilled it with liquid poop okay should we we have to go on wait i i just need to understand this a little more you know what upper decking is yes yeah so you're saying they upper deck shitted and then flush no no meaning somebody and then they upper decked it and left got another person a victim came in took a normal shit wiped left blushed upon exiting it read the bill refills with liquid

shit sort of face the same you know uh the the dilution effect here is going to come into play right not the first upper deck i'm telling you it was like it was like you know when it's so light fresh bowl it's so light that it like doesn't break the surface tension like it was it was a film of unbroken there's a liquid poo last last detail i'll give because this might give us some insight if there are any nutritionists out there there were these orange um splotches in the thing so whoever was eating it they're they are deficient or corn no no like it wasn't like carrots right because i had a full kind of carrots the other night well he keeps trying to make sure it's not him yeah he's but he's not sure it's not all right lauren pitch us oh my

goodness all right sorry for that okay we should title that segment if you're eating lunch skip to now i think we should title it lunch lunch talk lunch talk sure t-o-k oh that it's like bringing me back that was shocking that's that's a jump scare what's what's the craziest noise you can make yeah that was good that was good without without thinking make a machine gun noise my brother would go i'm gonna be honest i'm cheating i i was thinking what's your that's your real one oh no my machine gun one that's a good that's a good standard all right pitch us now otherwise we'll keep doing machine gun noises

It says a lot about a person What about Star Wars Gun? Pitches Pitches First pitch is from Steven Hi Steven What up Steven

Steven What up Crudge Steven says Hey Harry, Hermione and Ron Harry Hermione Hagrid Ginny

I got a kick ass pitch for you guys Nice What is the worst part about being at a bar That encourages dancing? uh you don't want to you don't know how to dance there's nothing worse than having to dance when you don't want to oh emily binder will say she'll hold your beer when you go dance and then the second you hand it to her she'll drop it and not get you a new one that's a real thing that also the worst things about those kinds of bars is getting a drink if you're a guy it's going to

take you 45 minutes yep yep so he says running back to the bar to get a new drink so i propose this sip and dance it is a tube that runs straight from the dance floor every three feet so if you want to get your buzz on you can just sit from the dance floor it's basically just a tube sticking out of the ground flavors such as vodka vodka cream there's just there's just straws randomly through the dance floor huge straws coming out of the dance okay let me finish flavors such as vodka crayon vodka red bull vodka soda tequila soda and for rusty dirty shirley's nice yes it is slightly unhygienic and high level but it will keep you from leaving the dance floor i've listened to every episode and i'm proud to be a playmate sick we're proud to have you there's there's

elements to that that i think are a good idea yeah uh number one a bar is not the main thing that they make money from is selling you drinks right so having in a kind of an all-access pass a water fountain of booze sprouting from the ground. I like that Stephen was like, not from the sky. Not from something that wouldn't get in the way of us dancing. People are grinding on it.

You can pole dance on it, too. That would be good. Yeah, there's moves you can do on it. I have a proposition for it. There are, like you said, Luke, instead of from the floor, they're from the ceiling. And it's like touch tunes where you pay for what the next drink is going to be.

and they're like oh we got some dirty Shirley's coming everybody put their glasses up and you put them up and it's just like pouring from the sky maybe it's like really you have like a rain fondue like a rain pan dude I'm picturing the things at water parks

where it like oh the bucket oh the bucket it fills up and eventually it fills but people pay for different things so it ends up just being a suicide it ends up just being a mixture of all of the things What about on the water park note

There is a log flume that goes through the middle And the river is filled with alcohol And every once in a while a ride comes through And everyone has to catch it in their buckets Drinking out of a bucket Spray people with a vodka Red Bull as they're coming by Yeah yeah there's the one guy Come dance with me

Come dance over here Grind on my jeans While you're on a log flume on the dance floor I mean that sounds like an all time bar That would be pretty wild We'd have to figure out the stickiness aspect if it was no mixers the water is just pure like you have to have mixer already in your cup yeah and then catch oh okay okay so to his point i guess not sticky but smelly the fountain can be

bad the fountain from the bottom has your mixers and then every once in a while the log flume comes through and sprays an alcohol and you have to like yeah yeah you have to try to i feel like we really got somewhere with this yeah steven that's not it it's a terrible idea but i like it sold i'm in okay next shallow breath yes okay thank you steven next pitch is from who is this oh it doesn't say their name gordis miguel de cervantes gordis miguel de cervantes okay oh i'm actually what was my name again i'm literally blind oh um cronin mark cronin marks marks cronin max jedi i was gorp i think or something no you were like oh shark barkman shark barkman no i was uh crannix something i picture shark barkman having

like with like the in between when victor crumb's going from regular to shark and there's that moment where he's like half guy half shark exactly you're like this is this isn't shock bachman shock okay hello it actually says my name is adam i don't know why i didn't see that vor krainix do you guys like that one yeah i kind of like that all right lauren pitch this hello hook line and sinker zinka stinker hagrid my name is adam my brother and i are huge fans the oscillating kind have you ever been a little too angry okay okay we got a wordplay guy here sorry i like that have you ever been a little too hangry and taken it out on your friends or girlfriends or friends girlfriends almost stop almost every day i hate one of my friends

girlfriends i'm constantly unless i'm completely full i'm hangry i hate my wife until i'm hungry until i'm full then i love her my sisters and i went out to dinner the other day and uh there's like a group chat with uh my sister her friend and my girlfriend and they sent a picture of me and they were like you could tell i was crabby in it and my lover just said he'll feel better after he eats she i'm she has to treat me like a toddler she knows you i will be snappy on the way to to dinner what's funny is how long it takes it took me to realize that sometimes i'm cranky because i'm hungry yep i'm like i'll call my mom be like bitching about something she's like have you eaten today did you have a baby snack you haven't eaten oh you haven't eaten all day and

the only thing you're surviving off of is accelerator and a vape probably probably not good did you swallow zins for breakfast zins for breakfast new band name i call it zins for breakfast adam says introducing the hunger bar a visible meter for how much energy you have left from your last meal with customizable interfaces similar to popular games like minecraft subnautica rust and more the hunger bar will need a one-week trial period every six months to gather highly accurate metabolism data the hunger bar will implement a smartwatch style design with alerts set at varying levels of hunger these alerts are sent to your contacts in your immediate vicinity so your pals know that there is no beef the hunger bar will allow you and everyone around you to be

happier healthier but not hungrier thank you for your time at this two day a week business is saving me at my internship also good luck lauren i've been antarctica it is the coolest shit so they have they have that already it's called having diabetes you have to take your blood sugar all the time and uh it's a it's a weird hunger bar but and there is a lot of stakes kind of like in rust where if you don't eat, you, you will die. Right.

It's the same thing with diabetes, where if you don't monitor your blood sugar, your body revolts against you and you pass away. I like to think that if it has, so like when it gets to the hangry phase, when you go to snap at someone for just living their life and they're not doing anything wrong to you, it will give you an alert.

Like, do you really feel this way or are you just hungry? Wait, do you really hate that new haircut? rust i don't remember i thought it was you can get hit by a rock baldwin shoots you is that the movie oh he did kill a woman he killed a woman yes yep yeah he sure did but there's a game called rust this is the last time you will embarrass

me with that phone didn't that was his daughter he called his 11 year old daughter and he goes you have embarrassed me for the last time i hate this phone did he call her he called he called her like a bratty little c word yeah how do we know this uh video he posted the voicemail pull up out lauren pull up alec baldwin 11 year old voicemail you have humiliated me for the last time with this phone and when i come out there next week i'm gonna fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again.

You've made me feel like s*** and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother and you do it to me constantly and over and over again.

I am going to get on a plane or I'm going to come out there for the day and I'm going to straighten your out when I see you. Somehow, it feels like a big part of his threat is that he's going to come just for the day. He keeps mentioning it. He's only going to be able to do it for one day.

He's got a shoot schedule. You considered that maybe the reason she's not calling you as much as your mom is because you were only flying out for the day. Just for the day, though. I can't stay overnight. i have to film 30 rock i have to film 30 rock where i'm a funny guy wait google baldwin jr what what check out this i've ever shared this the old bc mascot

no no what no no no like the guy i don't like jr no not i don't i'm gonna miss baldwin a lot of the comments were like the new producer the new producer cannot not know how to not know how to use google all right oh that's a requirement the requirement is that you go to images there were a uh all right put mascot at the end there's nothing crazy about what i just did oh yeah or boston college click that click that click that there were a uh that second one this is the old mascot that rocks yeah oh hell yeah oh he's inflatable yeah he's a massive inflatable i like that lauren did you hear how many applicants there were for your job a thousand isn't that wild and i go oh that's like a good sign and page just goes

no it's just because the job market sucks right now no one can get a job yeah it's like oh okay job market what what if you had to give a description to your future replacement what's what's a good like here's some recommendations for this job that you're going to need to know that's not going to be listed what should the new producer know lauren um just don't be afraid to be yourself that's right say whatever you want um you might think well at least i remember when i started i remember thinking that everything i said was like stupid and i didn't want to talk but then i realized that people like you for just who you are and it's kind of cute that's true well i think you you also probably realize 90 of what willie and i say makes us sound stupid so there's

nothing you could say though nothing now what's your recommendation for the incoming producer like what's a what's a tip for dealing with each one of them um you can be mean to them yep for sure because sometimes they're both really annoying that's right yeah sometimes you just have to be their mom sure what is advice you would give specifically for dealing with willie and specifically for dealing with me um i feel like you can be rusty gets cranky yep and like mean sometimes so how do you how do you deal with my my crank i'm just like get away i feel like i just like need you to get away from me sometimes and will and then um will i don't know i feel like kind of the same the hell like i don't

know sometimes i just like need like my space and like you guys like are annoying i didn't feel personalized yeah yours is just you're generally a stinker no i don't know i just sometimes like okay both you guys are pissing me off yeah yeah that's fair but do you still love us yeah of course okay okay what is the worst what's your tip for dealing with luke no yeah yeah that's a good question luke is just a ray of sunshine that's right really nothing nothing yeah but that's because you've never seen the weird stuff he does after dark i've never no done nothing wrong you should have seen him when he was trying to play double grab ass at disney world and i got two full handfuls too and the key is to go right down the middle for both you want to go right

down the middle but you thumbs on the outside cheeks pinkies on the inside of the left one yep exactly then you give it a little scoop you want to give it a scoop it just says it just says hey i'm here and then the stormtroopers say they go oh hey we're on patrol uh i want to go on a crazy roller coaster right now wait lauren give right now right now i i'm down lauren give one more give one more you can only tell them one thing to be successful working with willie and i what would you tell we're gonna play this for them what yeah this is a you could do it down camera just to them oh my gosh one thing to be successful um just like boss them around like you can just fucking say whatever you want i don't know i don't really have any

like specific that's good though you just have to like be honest if something's bothering you i would say communication communication is key and but they're also coming into something that's in process they're in progress already so they're like you gotta be able to plant that flag 100 because they're gonna feel you have big shoes to fill i know it's probably very scary but it's true and they're gonna have to do your freestyle rap at the end of every episode yeah laterally big shoes too a lot of people notice lauren wears that men's 15 holy shit yeah you know what they say about big shoes and girls really really really really meaty thick earthworm clit oh yep i don't know what they say that is what they say big socks is that what you're gonna go

with the second it left your mouth though you went earthworm clit and i went oh wait i'm not on the other pod recoil because that's something that you would say to will and liam that's a meaty meaty earthworm sea is crazy that's pretty bad i don't want to send you out on that i like that it's pretty nasty what is the worst part about wearing cologne if it sucks everybody hates you luke it's too tinky you get you get you get used to the smell so you keep putting more on you told me i know i've gotten up to like nine puffs it's getting bad but is i like when when an old do it can you smell it no he just went i'm counting what nine would be that's a lot european people do that yeah all right the worst part is cologne is best when it's had time to

sink into your clothes like you know when you smell like your dad's old jacket and it's like been festering there for a while i know what you mean yeah and you got to put it on every morning whatever cologne closet it like a febreze spray will just put a little bit on all of your clean shirts that way it has time to to to settle it it's not fresh but it's kind of there it's just the the tail end is just there so you pop on a shirt it's already got a fresh puff of cologne that's had like a couple hours to uh to fester on there and you smell like this is just what i smell like i didn't actually even put on cologne it's not reverberating fresh right it's it's only a chance to sink in a little bit yeah which i think is good yep that's kind of the level you want

yeah exactly like they think that that's just your natural smell this is just what i smell like yeah all right yeah i've never tried the cologne really really on this that's in classic that we got is so good yeah i just am scared of it why i don't want to be smelled i've realized yeah but you are whether you like it or not a guy that smells good is much better than the guy that does not have a scent though i would prefer to not have a scent because i've been told by many many people that i do not have a scent and so that's why i got into they were like it's almost i don't spooky that you don't smell like anything i had a friend that i hadn't seen in a long time give me a hug and he said oh you smell like you and i went what does that mean he goes i think

it's probably just your detergent like your laundry that's cute and i went oh okay we knew a girl i have detergent for my laundry nice like your clothes do you have a clothes for my clothes my laundry detergent yeah for you to clean them yeah we knew a girl that had like that like designer detergent that like their whole house smells like that and you can like smell them from a fucking mile away billy said both new uh remember how she like smelled like you can smell like if she was in the room uh-uh but i don't remember some people go too overboard billy said girl i met two times five years ago i don't remember what she's like billy billy told when i brought this up to billy billy remembered he she borrowed one of his shirts and washed it before

she returned it and he said his whole closet started to smell like that detergent like literally like one drop of this your shirt permanently smells like that wow no thank you don't want to recognize this smell too there are people that that have it i'm now convinced to i've taken a few trips overseas and gone over to europe i'm convinced in europe you are either uh you reek of bo yeah or you wear so much cologne that like it like flashbang grenades your eyes when you get close to the you're like god jesus and i'm like is there such thing as deodorant in europe do they just have a neutral because they go to yeah it's you either kind of stink like a sweaty boy or you it's just simply too much yeah or sometimes both sometimes both all right pitch

us willy it needs a mando yes do a pitch into calrissian yeah oh a pitch yes yeah bag check at the grocery store but physical grocery bag check so that you know when you have reusable grocery bags but you never remember to bring them to the grocery store you can store them then how do they get home how do they get back to the bag check yeah you're it's a very pivotal pivotal part i like this i think it's like when you get there you get them and you go and you go and you get your stuff and then they go okay give it back you're like i need to get it all right thanks guys all right that's so funny i was like oh that's gold yeah we can't get get people to put their cart one space over yeah okay what about bag check where they they bag your groceries and

then they bring them to your car no you pay no it wouldn't work no i like how bad that idea They do that in South Carolina. That was like at the Publix's sometimes in South Carolina. They take you to your car. Yeah, they fill up your car and walk. They'd be like, no, we insist, and they don't take tips. And then it's kind of like New Jersey where they fill up your gas. Yes, yeah.

They do it too. It's the same guy. And then he drives you home. He tucks you in. He kisses your wife for you. Yeah, and then he goes to bag check. You see that person, that Chick-fil-A employee that someone forgot their sauce, and he sprints into oncoming traffic to bring it to them.

What? There's a video? Pull up Chick-fil-A employee runs sauce to car. Chick-fil-A sauce run. Google Peppa Pig, but his head's a penis. I have a good pitch, too. Okay, go to videos. No, that's different.

Oh, did you? I love that video. What? No, that's a sketch. That's a sketch. I don't know. We can't find it. How overly dedicated Chick-fil-A workers be.

wait wait no i can't these are all sketch whatever this no don't give them guys don't give them gas all right get it off should we do am i i got a i got a quick pitch oh yeah what the what the i didn't know for sure before but this is a pitch that i thought of while you guys were doing your pitches okay okay so what's a tough thing about um when you're getting jacked off by your girlfriend they don't know what they're doing i'm gonna sit right you want to take the reins exactly you go i've been doing this thing non-stop right on my own i have a lot more practice right but what's something that it's really way harder for me to do to myself hear me out feel like a woman now you can do that no problem you have another hand it feels like getting a getting it to feel like a

stranger's doing it you're getting way closer it's really hard to suck your own dick so what i'm proposing is that instead my girlfriend this specifically goes out to my girlfriend who i married instead of jacking me off hear me out put your mouth on that thing because i can't that's a good point i'm not actually really that's something you're gonna be way better at right than me wow i guess i haven't thought of that and here's the thing is no one's thought of that yeah and you could actually put your mouth on my wiener like you were jacking i don't know if it would work though here's the thing wouldn't it hurt it's gonna hurt because there's teeth yeah right what you do is you you tell her to like make act like you're

santa claus and say oh oh oh and this mouth shape is actually gonna feel way a bit more rad i don't know if it would work though here's the thing i know it's not gonna feel like my hand i know it won't and that's why you tell her get all the spit out of your mouth right spit it all out you want it really dry sandpaper you want to feel like a hand friction the better yeah more friction or just put lotion in your mouth i knew i knew a couple guys that could suck their own dick i knew i grew up with two guys like their own dick yeah damn dog did they have to like get rid of their lower uh i think they were both just swimmers that's what swimmers lung did he actually yeah i think michael phelps did one time at the olympics

such his own dick he's like showboating he was doing such a lead that he stops and sucks and he got all tangled up yeah he he accidentally he did too good of a dive that he accidentally well he showed the slow-mo replay and it was like he has the most gold medal so he probably has a gold medal for yeah deep throat in himself anyway i just think that's my pitch is like trying out like putting your mouth on i think it i think it's got legs i think it would be almost impossible to convince them to do it though because they're already you're already in a committed relationship so it's like they don't have anything else to prove right so i think uh i think it could work for like people who aren't a boyfriend girlfriend yet because i i feel like once it became once you

became boyfriend girlfriend they wouldn't want to do that anymore and all they would want to do is watch southern charm yeah they'd be busy watching southern charm right here's the thing is maybe maybe that's the real uh invention is an some ability to watch southern charm mid suck right Oh, she wears a headlamp that projects Southern Charm onto your tummy. Under your tummy. So then she can watch it while she's giving you a mouth handjob. Or your name at the time. Or your gooch if you're doing a 69.

Yeah. You ever 69'd? Only one time. How was that for you? It hurt too much. Be serious. Have you done it? Ever?

Yeah. Have you done it with her? Of course. How was that for you? Unreal. I'm kind of against it because I'm too focused on doing a good job and she's too focused on doing a good job that neither one of us

are really soaking in the pleasures of doing that where you're like I'm too focused on me trying to do a good job that I can't even enjoy what's going on

also it's just like I don't want feet in my mouth or is that like a workplace harassment I don't want feet in my mouth for more than 5 to 10 minutes I asked Lauren if we're allowed to ask her that

or if that's technically a workplace harassment well she's about to leave so now it's like come at me but I just said yeah what percentage of our office

do you think has done it alright let's move on let's do it 95 yeah 95 is that like that common of a thing have you not i did it when i was in high school there you go bang i missed i missed the ball drop at new year's because i thought my friend john o'connor's house i missed the ball drop i missed the ball drop at john o'connor's new year's party uh because i was upstairs 69 that's good stuff see that's what you call a good hit john if john if you're listening uh shoot me a text buddy i miss you well technically you got

a new year's kiss yeah have i not told you that before oh yeah no i missed we'll have to we'll We'll have to bleep this, but it was in... Only bleep... Yeah. I don't know. It was in someone's room. Title of this episode. I missed the ball drop because I was 69.

We can make it that way. And that's why you never done it again? Because you're worried you're going to miss the ball drop. I'm worried I'm going to miss the ball. I have no idea how long it's going to last. It's November. I'm like, we don't know. We don't know.

I don't think it lasted for more than 20 seconds. Because I was just like, this is not going to accomplish anything. yeah and you were you were way too tall and she she could only suck off your belly button you're eating someone she's just kissing your stomach yeah like she can't quite get to your you feel like yeah yeah yeah grazing it do you ever see a couple that is really one of them's really tall and one of them's really short and you're like what's the physics of that right yeah what are we doing yeah i got one more thing we're never gonna be done that reminded me that there was a uh there was a girl at my school oh no that spread a rumor that i had a micro penis

not a great room and then i started dating a girl like a couple months later and the first time we hooked up she was uh i don't i still have a small penis but she was like oh my god thank god not that bad she was like we'll believe that she was like was uh telling everyone you had a micro penis she started dating me thinking there's a chance that means she's really taking like a nipple down there yeah that's just a little little smoky i knew a guy that said uh girls said that he i think i just told did i already tell you that's the nipple thing uh my buddy my buddy said yeah you did girls that hooked up with him said that uh like in high school when they were hooking up he would beg them to rub his nipples and we were talking about like in high school i was terrified

to hook up with a woman so i was very impressed that he had the the confidence to be like he asked for what he wanted the first time you have sex to be like rub my nipples rub my nipples look there's a lot of things out there that uh our proclivities are our thing everyone's got a like a lot of people have a thing what's your thing i'm pretty vanilla me too i'm pretty vanilla but here's the thing is like a lot of people have like a thing vanilla and there's like outside chocolate on the end exactly but there's a lot of people hear about chocolate on your insides but i have a hot take or just an observation which like a lot of people like you can't help that you're like i'm a guy who loves my nipples right like that's just something that like you're born with right

there's like millions of people who love feet where it's like man you want to like fuck someone's feet and you know it's like yep there's millions of people that are totally into that it's like cool i'm sex positive then there's a non-zero percentage of people whose thing is like exposing themselves in like public right or like like a louis ck like jacking off in front of other people who don't want that where it's like man of all the wheel of stuff you can be into doesn't it suck that there's like just like the thing i like is being a an asshole to other people yeah luke a really long time ago this was probably like what episode like 40 or something we called a girl and she told us that this guy like peeing in her mouth no no no it was the guy told her his kink

was getting peed on oh oh so they she was down they went to the bathtub and she said she stood over him and got pee shy so for two minutes was standing over him and he's like and could not pee and he was just cool like didn't say anything was just like chilling and we're gonna try that it's a lot of pressure though to like absolutely unload a full ladder's worth on some guy in a in a bathtub yep when i was in college i uh when i was this sounds insane but i have to pee yeah go for it while i pee you can keep you've already heard the story when i was in college i before before i started making any money i was tight on cash and a guy dm'd me saying he'll pay me for feet pics you told me that dude i sent this guy and he was i said no problem somewhere

out there a guy has probably 50 photos and videos of my feet i'm just like playing xbox no problem and doing it he i made like two thousand dollars off this guy there are guys that would just ride hard if you get lauren just whispered to me i would do that no no well the feet guys ride hard dude he would venmo me like hundreds of dollars per thing and it like there was no it was just however many i could send him he would shoot me like 50 25 bucks and i just wrapped like literally in like a two-day span made two thousand dollars but then he blocked me on everything so now i'm worried like he has those for the fbi i don't know he has those and like did he make requests like can you step on a cake he would be no he would be like you'd like take your like you'd start the

video with your socks on and then take them off did he ever want you to send the dirty socks to him no i don't think so i've heard of people doing that there's that girl that made like millions of dollars selling her farts i do that you jar her you buy them or you sell them uh i do both i've subscribed to any only fans people no but i do um sell my bath water and jar my farts but these are all for my wife so they're all like in case you drop dead there's like a doomsday bunker full of like dirty socks undies farts my whole closet is just filled with jars of of and then and i label them like you want to had a lot of cauliflower you want to hear something crazy luke huh i label my uh i label my voice memos of my tummy grumbling this one is this one is titled

alien life forms oh this was a good one you know about this i remember this okay when i sell my business i want the best tax and investment advice i want to help my kids and i want to give back to the community oh then it's the vacation of a lifetime i wonder if my head of office has a forever setting an ig private wealth advisor creates the clarity you need with plans that harmonize your business your family and your dreams get financial advice that puts you at the Center. Find your advisor at IGPrivateWealth.com Ew.

Ew. Oh my god. What the hell did you eat? That's fake. That's not real. Dude, this one's titled Early Bird. Well now I know why you're so grumpy all the time. You need to freaking eat. That thing is grumbling. If he ate any more, his head would screw down. Those are really long, grumbled tummies.

If his head weren't screwed on, he'd lose that. This one's titled... How do you spell that? That's just a good old little fart. Are these farts or stomachs? Both. This one's titled Ultimate Stink Bomb. Maybe we have to guess.

Yeah. Ultimate Stink Bomb. This one's called Ultimate Stink Bomb in Flan's Room. And then this is the last one I'll show you. this one's just titled tried to make my own lunch okay oh my oh that's right in your ears it's gonna be right in everyone's ears that's pretty foul yeah sorry let's find out who the foul ball oh lord i now i'm actually all day so you you grumble that hard like for me to grumble i gotta be really hungry mine is like like when we were kids and if we were taking a test my

biggest fear was it was too quiet in the room people were gonna be able to hear my stomach you know they thought i had crones when i was a kid yeah i was about to say do you have have you had some so gi shit i was i missed like like a concerning amount of days of school because i wouldn't poop at school so me neither if i had to poop i would just check myself out sick and go home and my mom was like i wasn't comfortable pooping in school my favorite part dude i couldn't do it i had to do it at my house and so they made me go to the doctor they drew my blood and they were like uh they were like you are seriously gluten and dairy uh intolerant and so we went home my mom made me only gluten and dairy free snacks for like a week i was like fuck this we

gotta figure out a way to get around this we ordered like everything on the dominoes menu and we were like we're gonna like override my system we're gonna and then i'll be like i'll come out the other end it made it so much worse of course obviously because that's not how that works but now i've like kind of gotten it down we're like i don't eat pizza unless i know i'm gonna be able to be at home for the rest of the night you know you're gonna be able to do a little butt piss yeah that's yeah i poop anywhere and everywhere now i've got because of guys like willie uh and my buddy seamus i've gotten more comfortable doing it like he would poop there was our favorite bar had had a regular bathroom then there was one that you could be the only person

in there and like deadbolt it he would go into that one and poop for like 35 minutes like watch tiktoks and like a line would accumulate and he had no shame about it i know i'm not i'm a quick pooper yeah i'm a quick pooper i need to be on there for like 40 minutes you do yeah but all the pooping happens in the first 45 seconds and then i sit there on my phone that's different letting it dry on my butt yeah you want to make sure so you're someone who doesn't wipe no i have a bidet at home me too i blast yeah all right we gotta get we have to am i the asshole right it's been nine hours it's been nine it's been nine well i feel bad for lauren oh sorry episode of all time how long have we gone one well also aren't you in a i do you have something i have

to leave in like 15 minutes okay let's go perfect okay should we just skip to the drafts and then we'll do the other stuff at the end yeah i'm excited about these these are the worst things to have on your tombstone at least i'm not as dead as that guy i could have oh sorry we could have sworn he had a family uh we're all safer now that he's gone because what it says on your tombstone like 80 sure these were human remains dig me up this is not a joke dig me up we found him covered in his own fluids we feel like we've seen him around can someone tell the groundskeeper to stop whispering at us i like i think we went at this from different angles yeah like you did it for yourself mine

was like they found a guy yeah yeah you're doing someone like you died in a weird way and they put it on there for you where mine are more like this is this guy saying this yeah it would be funny My last one is either put text here or default text where whoever was filling it out just forgot to put that part in. And then the person who chiseled it in didn't ask any questions. Or what if that was their real name? Default text. Default text. Arabian?

Yeah. Or it's like lorem ipsum. Lorem ipsum. Qwerty? Like someone just swiped across the top. Adolf Hitler in parentheses. Not that one. I thought of one that would be funny.

Using your tombstone as like an ad, like a billboard, where it just says, the McRib is back. Or it's like your family business. Yeah. It's like visit like A&L Lawnscaping. Mention this tombstone. Oh, this plot was mowed by A&L Lawns. Yes.

Tell them I sent you for half off. Use promo code Beers Why are you standing on me Reading this instead of riding a water slide And meeting your wife at a Dippin' Dots stand Honestly bro You should end it all

Right here right now And be buried on top of me I don't know about that That would be a crazy one to have for sure I have two more One is no joke I died from smoking too much weed And then finally in the extended cut of the movie the abyss there's a quick shot of a crowded beach where an extra

pulls the pants down of another extra it made it into the movie you can look it up on youtube is that true yeah i've seen that is crazy yeah but that would be on my tombstone that's awesome yeah all right should we do love songs that don't exist all right crack that thing out tee it up that just that ain't just for show it ain't just for show this is for keeps these are love songs that don't exist you don't love me you love my car and it's about a guy who's in a completely healthy relationship but for some reason he thinks his girlfriend's only with him for his mazda miata you don't love me i can tell in your eyes oh i can tell in your eyes in your eyes you don't love me no you don't know you don't know you're not even looking at other guys

either so you don't love other guys either now what do you love i think i know because your smile only comes when you're sitting in the shotgun and my little miata Little teeny itty bitty Miata Two-seater, it's a little Miata And then I realize That you love my little Miata too much And you don't give a shit about me And then I'm like, wait

Your dad also drives a little Miata Tiny Miata, two-seater Miata I'll remind you of your dad Something like that. That was gorgeous. All right. Yeah, a little bit of a, I'm your dad. It's like a dad, like I'm your dad, yeah.

I was waiting for Barada that whole time. See, now that would have been better. Eating Barada. I mean, you know you can take it at any point. Oh, I, oh. Oh, stop. Oh, I was, wait, these are the, oh, oh. Late for the rest, late for the rest of our lives.

It's about a guy who is horribly late on the first date, and he's trying to assure her that he will never be late again for the rest of their lives wow you want to rip it sure oh yeah oh yeah well i showed up about an hour late i said i'm sorry you had finished your plate and i said Won't happen again Won't happen again I got late cause I crashed my car

Then I got a bike and I crashed that too And I'm sorry Keep crashing shit I keep crashing shit But I won't be late For the rest of our damn lives I promise you I won't Cause I'm gonna learn how to drive

Should've mentioned I don't know how to drive Don't have a license It wasn't my car or my bike but i'm gonna learn for you so next time i'm on time wow willie d that's beautiful uh that one there's that one shows growth yeah uh mine are different mine are different vibes mine uh this is a love song um and it comes from a place of love but we you know we were i was kind of writing the tombstone ones and i had kind of death on the brain a little bit and i kind of thought of like

you know romeo and juliet they die together and they're dead forever and a lot of times we don't get to pick the way we die that's really true but what if you could i want to die from humping wanna die wanna die wanna die from a fatal dose of making love i want to die from fucking yes i gonna die from fucking i wanna pass away because i was humping too much that's fantastic yes uh that would that's not be good that's webby bait that's webby bait right here that's how uh matthew mcconaughey his dad died webby no he's having sex with his with his wife and they uh they they carried him out like butt naked on a stretcher and

Matthew McConaughey said his mom was like topless in the driveway like freaking out. But he was like, he went out doing what he loved. He went out? Making love to my mom. That's right. That would not be good. You're probably like... Oh my fucking god.

I hope that he at least got to die as the main event was around. What if you died just barely enough? That happened in Shameless to Monica? Really? Yeah. She died mid-cum? Or no, not monica someone that frank was having sex with um spoiler all right i got i got river house i'm

never gonna watch it it's about a guy say it again i got river house it's about a guy who is in love with a girl who lives on the river and so every day he floats past her house and he capsizes his boat on purpose so that she will invite him to dry off with some tea and then after a couple months of this uh he comes in and there's another guy soaking wet in there who has already won her love by capsizing his by capsizing his boat i love that traveling down the mississippi river looking for my lady my fine ass lady yeah tipping my boat right at the right time right as exactly as i float down past your houseboat girl that's your houseboat girl

you save me like you always do I get my little life saver rap from you and you dry me off like I always needed you to I love you cut to the next day I'm tipping my

boat over again and I think to myself maybe I can pretend drown and get some mouth-to-mouth cpr but that would be disingenuous as i flip my phone i see that there's some jerk already in there and he's got red hair which i know you love red hair guys finally win wow that one goes out to the red hair guys because they don't really win that much i now but in that story um that's what she likes yes all right uh i've got uh kiss you so hard i want to kiss you so fucking hard i want my lips to go right through your skull

I want to press until both of our lips are completely molten and fused and your skull is caved in. Your skull is caved in. Because I kissed you so hard. Because I kissed you so hard. I want it to hurt. I'm going to wear a mouth guard. I'm kissing you so hard. so fucking hard

it's gonna hurt it's gonna be borderline too hard I love it you know love has passion in it I got klepto girl steal my heart it's about a mall cop

who falls in love with a girl oh shit my bad no you can keep going I'm kind of out of gas I'm struggling to get new chord progressions Okay got it It's about a mall cop who is falling in love With a girl who keeps stealing from Hot Topic

It's you again How did I know this I knew in my heart of hearts It was gonna be you again How many sublime shirts Do you need How many JNCO jeans Does it take

To fill up your heart I'm falling for you In that Invader Zim t-shirt That you keep stealing, girl These handcuffs don't even work They're just for show They're just for play Maybe you and me can go on back

To wherever I keep my other stuff at Like a back office I never really knew Because nobody goes back into the office It's like if you get caught by a mall cop, like I'm like, do you even have like a jail cell? Like, no, you just we just go. You got to leave. I got you're just not allowed to come back. And you're like, you're not allowed to be around the food court.

And here's the thing. That's where my jurisdiction is. But I love you, girl. I want to tell you to leave and I want to put handcuffs on you. Again, they aren't real handcuffs, but they're not real handcuffs. What do you got? you got anything i really only had i want to die from fucking okay that's okay that was a bop lauren you got any no think of one i don't have one a love song that doesn't exist i had one we

don't we don't have to do it but as a song but re-watch for you this is about a girl who will re-watch movies she's already seen nice uh because you know you're not you've never seen them i know that you care i can tell because i didn't already know what happened at the end of shawshank and you pretended to be surprised when andy dufresne escaped at the end And you I had never seen Titanic I know

I had never seen it And you didn't tell me That the ship Sinks at the end You pretended to not know Like we just thought It would just go to America To America

And you pretended Not to know That Rango was a lizard At all You act surprised Cause I didn't know That he was a lizard Until the end

Somehow Until like the big reveal After the whole movie Where he's a lizard At the very end I had like a very Bruce Willis at the end of Sixth Sense Where he was a lizard this whole time oh that's fantastic rango that was great we love rango shout out to rango fans out there

have you ever seen the tim and eric rango wait i showed you that we got rango we got rango yeah wait when was that oh that's just when you're in the office yeah exactly you've had rango on the brain dude who loves rango my favorite movie guy loves rango so good guy loves freaking rango and i can't hold that against you god forbid a guy fucking what's your route 11.45 yep alright

perfect I gotta go Luke's cut thank you so much Luke is there anything you want to plug for the playmates I'm on the road

come see me buy tickets go to Luke exactly hit me on the gram I'm always posting about where I'm going Luke no

alright we love you Luke we'll see you soon and I love y'all very fitting last guest for Lauren thank you so much for coming on Luke we'll see you soon

love my boys and my cows and Luke's gonna be more involved with the stuff we're doing yep which is awesome who knows we went to star wars we're gonna go to other places probably yeah we're gonna be crashing our cars together yeah see which one see if one hurts see if one

hurts can't wait cannot wait thank you luke all right love you buddy we did it farewell goodbye lauren you play that song you wrote about the goodbye lauren have fun at the white house and always sacrifice yourself for the whoever you're protecting the press secretary she jumps in front of the press secretary when a bad question comes she like intercepts it she intercepts a bad question big up beautiful all right thank you brother see you soon out of here all right should we do am i the asshole do am i the asshole am i we're still here we're right we're about to catch bill maher

on the podcast charts again we're repped by bill maher now we're wrapped by bill maher he's gonna wrap us up and send us home or something like it jesus christ i'm sorry i did not mean to no okay i'm having a i'm having a freak i'm freak i'm having a burger freak off oh my god dude i have an idea the hot dog freak off yeah can we do the hot dog yeah but you have to throw it like a dart or no it's because that this one was like the discus yeah this one the hot dog freak off like the javelin wait what about a hot dog slide and get like a slip and slide and try to slide it really far that would never work what do you know fucking crazy what are you talking it would work how far can i slide a hot dog what are we in elementary school we throw shit

what if i have a question what if we do what if we solicit playmates to try to beat my record okay if you if you if you submit your if you submit a video of yourself throwing a burger further than 49 yards we will play the clip on the episode it's got to be it has to be proof in the video go to like a football field and send you 15 frozen burgers it also has to be a mcdonald's cheeseburger that's the gold standard yeah straight up mcdonald's cheeseburger no toppings and um you have to throw it or we already said that right yes okay cool all right well let's find out who the asshole is all right um let me see the let me see your asshole hello coralline wybie and the cat the cat line i never watched coralline it scared me too much oh coralline i

recently went on a date with a guy i met at a bar it was going really well like textbook first date we both watched the almost friday pod so we were joking around the whole time i even tried to get him to become a playmate and he said that he would check you guys out hopefully he doesn't listen to this as the or wait as the day goes on we start opening up and he asks if i dabble in anything other than alcohol since we met at a bar i say that i don't really smoke weed or anything like that but that i have tried cocaine not my proudest moment but you live and learn he obviously was shocked by this but it didn't seem to affect him in the moment or the rest of the date he told me that he only rarely goes out and does not partake in anything else the date continues he gave me a

kiss before he left and i thought i was golden the next day i receive a text saying that he does not want to pursue relationship or keep getting close to me because of or keep getting to know me because of my proximity with cocaine i tried to explain myself and said that it was just an experiment and that i don't do it but that i have done it but he said that we have different views on life and that we should go our separate ways am i the asshole for thinking that he should have given me given me at least another date we talked about all this over text and he said he would normally meet in person but this was just too far gone for him that's crazy i think you i think you dodged a bullet because i think if anyone's gonna judge you for yeah trying a drug once obviously

we don't you should be a different story if you were like doing it all the time and that just wasn't a good fit but i think that is probably indicative of other parts of his personality that you didn't see on the first date that are gonna come out and would have been a problem so i would say you actually not only are you not the asshole you were a lucky lucky person that that uh came to light after the first date and not like the third yeah a hundred percent that's if he's drawing that like arbitrary line in the same he's probably the same guy that if he found out you had like hooked up with a guy in the last year he would be like you don't you don't cherish your body yeah or yeah he's a weirdo you're fine you're not an asshole for that but i would definitely i would

definitely uh we've all we've all uh we've all been around people that do it not saying we've ever done it but i would i would say stick to stick to beer stick 100 yeah yeah yeah but if you were doing it that would be valid you did absolutely i have done it yeah you're not the asshole you you dodged the ball yeah let's do another one okay next one is from um what should you make her name starts with an a barbendo allison allison hello me no hello meter lightning mcqueen and sally carrera mater great love you guys and stoked for the opportunity to be an asshole so i recently that's the spirit yeah i like it that's the spirit yeah i recently graduated college with a degree in graphic design and moved to utah in hopes to find better job opportunities

i've been going to a lot of interviews and have received some offers but realistically have needed a higher pay than what they could give this past week i had an interview with a company that seemed perfect i love the work they do and the people seem chill in the interview i was asked the question what's the time you had conflict in a workplace and how did you resolve it i got nervous and proceeded to tell it full online i made up a story about an old shitty job that i actually did have a few years ago but made it sound like i was an incredible employee who saved the company when the reality is i quit that job slash got fired the interviewer loved my response and talked about how good of a fit i'd be in their company anyways i know what i did was

not good but it did ultimately get me a job so am i the asshole for completely making up a story during a job interview no girl all do what you gotta fucking make it in this world everyone's lying everyone's making shit up yeah just keep going not the asshole not even close you you did the right thing you did the right thing you it's kind of like uh it would kind of be like being uh being a cyclist in the steroids era yep like everyone was doing it you have to do it to be competitive in this especially this job market you got to do what you got to do to put meat on the table come on not the asshole i will say honestly good job for thinking on your toes i was going to say that when i was a kid and i was applying for that program where i went abroad

to spain this lady came and i was like trying to get this like scholarship thing for it and this lady came and interviewed me at my house for it and she was like what was the time you like faced adversity and overcame it and i was fucking a 14 year old kid who had a pretty easy childhood and i was like and i said i was on the jv soccer team at that time as a third string goalie yep and i told her that i when i tried out i was determined to make the varsity team and thought i was going to make it and when i got sent to jv i was like devastated but i made the most fit and became like the star goalie for the jv team and it was all complete i was the lady walks out of there my parents were there like what the fuck was that you suck at soccer and i was

like i got i don't know but it worked and i got the scholarship and oh that's funny your parents were in there with you i guess that makes sense we had a family well it was at my house she like came down they were just like in the other room that's funny we had a family friend that uh would lie in like job interviews and on his resume and would work at a place for like six months and then they would call him like you didn't go to the school you never worked at these places and would fire him that's crazy yeah i mean lying about the school for all that time trying to work on a resume then we i ended up in a job where i remember when i they like reached out i was like then they made me an offer i was like i didn't even send him a fucking resume mom they're like yeah uh

pointless point everything i did was pointless but we're here now because now i got a job that required no education or resume so all that money and effort was a waste should we do this guy rocks don't go to school don't do your homework do your homework do your homework definitely i kind of liked homework i'm joking it gave me a purpose purpose on purpose should we do this guy rocks this guy rocks this guy rocks today hey hey i said this guy rocks and he rocks so hard he rocks in your house and he rocks in your yard rocks in my yard i love it i slacked mine oh man i'm so hungry wait what am i doing so fucking horny right now oh god all right lauren pause this immediately and i mean immediately r.i.p ozzy osbourne this is when

uh sharon osbourne was on tv and uh ozzy surprises her let's give it let's give it a shot it's one of my favorite clips of all time isn't that fantastic the way he walks out is so funny yeah that's awesome i love that all right let's see who rocks with it rest r.i.p and peace i miss this guy i sent that video to my friend katya she was dying so i because i started like i was sending them to scott a bunch and then saying to you guys and like i fucked my algorithm i get yeah today you can't you can't do it my lord oh my soul who's this this is uh urgent messenger Mr. Moulton. This guy's reaching out to Rep. Seth Moulton.

I like his glasses. Urgent message for Seth Moulton, U.S. Representative for Massachusetts 6th Congressional District. Mr. Moulton, you must listen. The Jimmy John's Sandwich Store on 1 Harborside Drive, Boston has been taken over by a Nephilim cabal working in connection with the Babylonian Brotherhood.

Don't believe me? Then why are the employees of the Harborside Drive Jimmy John's all 9 feet tall and covered in a desolate layer of scales? And why did I hear deep chanting and a tribal drumbeat coming from the bathroom mr moulton this is a matter of public health and safety the jimmy john's nephilim cabal are buried in copious amounts of jimmy john's signature kicking branch sauce to exxon ceo darren woods who immerses himself in large vats of the sauce twice a week to improve

the skin hydration prevent eye bagging and achieve total immortality in the full mastery of the mortal plane the sauce is loaded into a scene like ordinary what the hell is going on i already liked a whole lot of nothing seth moulton dude he ran one of the most unsuccessful presidential campaigns ever i remembered that two people made us they're really quick like 60 second little montages do you guys want to watch that do you guys know he's always he's been an og playmate dr red man of course yes uh his name is jay i believe he made i don't know what this episode was or the context of this but i saw comments about it people were like i think on the one where i announced i was leaving they said that one of their favorite lauren moments was when i like

when i kept saying boat or something i don't know what this is oh i don't remember i don't know either but that's it so i have one of me and then i have one of you oh great boat is it like this boat big boat it was fun then i wanted a big boat yesterday or saturday on the marina big boat it was fun did you feel like you're on a boat not like if it's tsunami boat boat boat boat boat why do you do this i've never noticed this it's like every time we say both you're stimming damn all right and the next one this might this might trigger you guys well because it's from the the viral i don't want to see me being a crabby No, it's funny.

It's funny. Krabby Patty? New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the Coffee Plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like Coffee Plus B12 to help support immune function and Coffee Plus B6 to keep your day moving.

Or go with the flow and choose Ginseng Delight, our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. I swear to God, they told me that, yes, it was goat. It's goat. The guy said it's goat.

I'm wearing the same clothes. I asked, I was like, is it goat? And he was like, yes. All I'm saying, I know what the guy told me. That's not saying it's goat. All I know, the guy fucking told me it was goat. The worker? Yes.

I was like, is this goat? And he said, yes. Okay. I didn't say that. I said, is this goat? I said, is this goat? And he said, yes. Because I heard, the guy told me.

It feels like I only have one piece of evidence. I said, is this goat? I said, is this goat? And the guy said, yes. There's literally no evidence other than them saying it. There's only one of us here who literally has, like, real evidence, which is the guy who worked there goes, yep, it's a goat. Is this goat?

Yes. That is how the interaction went. I said, is this goat? and he said yes. Is this goat? Yep. Is this goat? Yeah, it's goat.

You think it's like... I know what the guy fucking told me and I know what I tasted. It's tea. The guy told me... Okay, I mean, I literally looked at the guy and I go,

is this me? What if he was lying? Thank you. There you go. So that's our montage. I'm sorry, guys. That's fine, dude. It's funny.

I'm sorry. I thought that was hysterical. Should we do teach me something? Yeah. Teach me something. Something. all right do you guys know about the biggest snail in the world no i'm just kidding the great disappointment uh this the great disappointment was the millerite movement it was the people

who followed this baptist preacher called william miller and he had proclaimed that jesus was coming back in 1844 and so they're all waiting and then it didn't happen and they called it the great disappointment uh but then they all decided like they had just misread it right that they formed the adventist church i was at a seventh day adventist church the other day we were filming an ftv sketch like in the parking lot but i was like in it and i was like what is this religion i looked it up and it's all the people that got disappointed during the great disappointment were like oh no no wait no no no wait we misread it wait was miller still alive in 1844 yeah oh so they were all just like pretty sure at least i actually don't know for sure but yeah

uh have you guys ever heard about the ev1 no no in 19 wally in 1999 uh i believe general motors eepa eepa a thousand eyes what is that have you seen the simpson movie no heepa heepa sorry i pulled the ev1 lauren i believe general motors made the yeah because So the General Motors EV1 looked like that in 1999. What the hell-y? It was an electric car, like light years ahead of its time, before its time, ahead of its time, whatever. And basically, it was very popular.

People loved them. You could only lease them, though. You couldn't buy them. And mysteriously, General Motors made the decision not only to stop making them, but they took everyone back brought them out into the desert and destroyed them and they think that it was because of pressure from like the oil companies to be like this is too popular they blamed it on uh there wasn't enough demand but apparently there was like a huge wait list what year was it going 1999 wow there were also like electric car look up uh look up jay leno old electric like first

electric car look up jay leno's sex tape verne troyer sex tape so look at this one that jay leno has that is like the first one of the first electric cars whoa it is from like the early 20th century and uh it was like way better than gas cars at the time but they marketed it for like women because it was less dirty and so it never totally took off but the inside it was like way cooler than any car out there what's that i realized what i the next producer needs to have what this car yep okay you are not allowed to join this can we get one you're not hundreds of thousands of dollars right um yeah well you just want 1909 baker electric so get your hands on one of these yep and then you're good put for sale and then you're good two thousand dollars

that can't be right great all right that's completely doable doable let's get one uh all right willie or should we do are we done it's song of the day oh rusty's song of the day guys as you know uh if you go follow rusty songs of the day when we hit 10 000 followers on that playlist on spotify two of you are getting a hundred and one dollars so please go follow that um today i am going to do okay do you not have one are you just thinking it up on spotify i don't have one hey i have a request oh yeah can i do a song of the day for my birthday yes for your you can do it next episode yes wow for your last ever episode i am going to do bear with me he's like googling uh he's trying to make a song in garage band

you hear me like like adding the drums today's song of the day is soulless friends by peter cat recording company uh it makes me feel very good and i think it's going to make you feel the same way uh so go listen to it when this comes out it'll already be up on rusty's songs of the day i believe this is the 33rd song but we love you guys have a great rest of your monday have a great oh sorry have a great rest of your wednesday have a great week have a lovely weekend we will see you bright and early for our monday episode and next episode will be lauren's grand finale so bring your handkerchiefs bring your

handkerchiefs bring your dogs you guys have to get me a cake with your face and we'll see we'll see if we get we're probably gonna forget I know all right thank you love you guys we'll see

you on Monday We'll see you next time. see the endless funds fueling the AI hype. While others follow the noise, we follow the money. Learn more at Bloomberg.com