Will & Rusty's Playdate - we wrote the office plots that don't exist w/ Maddy Kelly

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

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my roommate's birthday is today it's my brother's birthday dude they should they should uh they should link up uh all right are we good we're going we're going late eight late eight we have maddie kelly here episode 184 rant randy moss so we either we try and guess to start each episode just to kind of get the creative juices flowing, Maddie, we either name someone who is 84 or who wore 84. 85. It's 85. 85.

Chad Ochocinco. I was going to say Chad Ochocinco. Oh. So that's embarrassing. It was on the tip of your tongue. I saw it too. Maddie, do you want to introduce yourself to anyone who might not know who you are? Hey, everyone.

I'm Maddie Kelly, friend of the pod. I like that. You like that? Yeah, I do like that. That's your title. Yeah. In this crew, I'm kind of like a funny one. yes i kind of like to bring a little edge to the pod i'm a woman wait if we were like i knew i knew

there was something different about this guest if we were this if we were the spice girls so you're the funny one yeah what will you're obviously sporty slutty slutty spice is that one they're like oh i feel like everyone else kind of has their that you are you sure you want skimpy maybe skimpy spice oh lordy maddie i'm also a kelly but i'm an e i'm an ey you're just yeah you're just a y well don't make say it like that it's just spelled like featherstone but it's pronounced kelly with an ey that's your middle name no my last name is not featherstone that was an it's an alias my that we came up with in college and i didn't anticipate it sticking with me this taking off how do you guys know each other we got uh we're like a boy band they

poached us from different corners of the internet they brought us in a lab and who has the mold simon cowell no mold in their apartment oh that is lucas oh how do you know about that i just listened to an episode i was just kind of worried about that that was our buddy caleb who was on you listen to the most recent episode probably yeah yeah were you listening audio only yeah that was he was just a guest right he's our producer caleb who's here in the building but not here in the studio just checking but none of us have mold well i've mold in the past you've got mold now no a small i have the precursor to mold that i found last night which is of course barbecue sports not sports mildew the other m word so mildew and mold are the same yeah so don't tell

me that because i have a mold mildew i haven't got it yet that's the prequel um i opened my dishwasher this morning and i think i'd be better eating off the dirty dishes than the ones that just got clean because it smelled so bad in there i don't know who to call right who would you wait the dishwasher if okay if if i had to have mildew as you if i had to have somewhere in my apartment I would choose the dishwasher. Right. It's sealed. Yeah.

It's not like it's in the ceiling. I don't know, but that's supposed to be clean. No, I know. That is bad. It's the only... Well, don't just change your tune because you were on my side. If you really went crazy with the vinegar and stuff in the dishwasher, you could be living in a different world. Jack, every time we have a female guest on, you bring up your household cleaning stuff, and it's just fucking insulting.

I don't know who else to talk to. This is my fault. I'm a fixer. I heard a different episode of the podcast. I said, I heard somebody has molds, and I'd like to get into that. Every time we have a female guest asking for cleaning tips. So walk me through your mopping strategy. Did you fly in from New York today?

I flew in on Wednesday. Oh, nice. Do you like it? New York? Oh, yeah. What part of New York are you in? Lower East Side. Nice.

Yeah. That's like gossip girl territory. right no that's upper east side and and for the people at home what are the different what are the key differences a couple miles yeah well that's a good point okay what about like demographically where i live is a lot of chinese people okay and a lot of people who maybe i'd say they did vote for kamala okay yeah but you know they were the people that were wearing the the hats the camo oh the paris walls hats yeah yeah wait they had camo do you think they were actually sick hats were they doing like a late push to try and get like hunters yeah yeah they were doing a late

push i think it was maybe manhattan famously has a lot of hunters who does manhattan well Well, yeah, they have a lot of hunt in Central Park. Yes. Didn't RFK kill a bear in Central Park? No, he dumped a bear. He dumped a bear. He left a bear. Okay, just for argument's sake, let's talk to this.

Is it worse to kill a bear somewhere else and bring him to Central Park? Or is it worse to kill a bear in Central Park and bring him somewhere else? He did not kill the bear. Oh. He found the bear as roadkill. He picked up roadkill and brought it to Central Park. Yeah. What kind of car can make a bear roadkill?

Even think about leaving a rotisserie chicken scrap in Central Park. That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard. Okay, time out. Leaving a rotisserie chicken scrap in Central Park is not the most horrible thing I've ever heard. I'm with you. I can't think of anything worse that's ever happened to me. Why is that bad? Because it's a beautiful place.

Don't leave your carcasses there. A rotisserie chicken scrap is like a treat for the birds. No, it's not a treat for the birds. wait can we talk about this so my entire life growing up in Canada no I'm changing the subject ever so slightly were you growing up in Canada

feeding wildlife was like the most evil thing it's like a selfish thing you know what I mean like of course you want to feed an animal like you want this experience but like it fucks up their whole ecosystem okay then yeah and it's all like might not be good for this it might not be their like food

they eat but they'll eat it because they're animals they'll eat anything they're animals They're animals. And I fucking grow up. And oh, every single boyfriend I've ever had is like Mr. Dr. Doolittle feeding pigeons and crap with whatever we're eating at lunch. Every boyfriend you've had? Yes.

Pigeons? These pigeons or raccoons or squirrels. Where do you get your boyfriend to sit on a park bench? Wait, time out. Time out. Time out. Time out. You can't slip raccoon in between two animals that are normal to feed.

You were like pigeons or raccoons or squirrels. And it was like the bookends are normal. I'm not feeding animals ever But you guys aren't dating So if we were dating I'd be feeding animals nonsense You think it's something about you that makes them It's like a chicken and the egg thing

They get this insatiable urge to feed raccoons When they start dating you Or are you dating homeless men Can we rule out that you're dating homeless guys I wouldn't but you can You wouldn't rule it out or you wouldn't date them I wouldn't rule it out The way I get down

I was homeless in a very technical sense For like two years In that I didn't have a home Two years feels pretty literal It was like bohemian I kept being like I'm getting so many gigs I can't even have a house I'm a road dog

I was living in between Los Angeles and Halifax So that the Midwest Are you from Halifax in the Midwest Not physically in between Bro has no clue where Halifax is Living in Chicago Oh, you're saying in the middle.

I live, you know, I live between L.A. and Halifax. It's like Chicago. Continue, man. Sidney Crosby isn't even in Halifax. I'm sorry. I don't care where I used to live. I'm just, I'm starting to feed at least birds a little bit of bread. Yeah, that feels fun.

It's fun, and I like it. That's like, yeah. You can enjoy it. It is funny. I haven't done that since I was like a baby, but I feel like I'll start doing it again when I get grandchildren. like i feel like like when your grandma gets you for the day they're like they run out of things they're like we'll go feed the ducks yeah we used to feed them like white bread yeah that's a good

point what you know rfk that's no that's a good point rfk did you ever do rfk knew was like a family she was at my aunt's he was on my aunt's funeral yeah wait why was um this always cracks me up because so this my aunt's funeral always cracks me up uh no my aunt died in like 1998 so was before i was born but he was there because they had worked together at the nrdc which is like national resources defense council it's like a non-profit doing like environmental legal defense and uh they worked very closely together in its infancy and he kind of cites his background as being tied to like environmental causes and stuff like that was sort of his like original come up it was court ordered community service because he was a heroin dealer i didn't know that yeah

he did he was a heroin addict and dealer and went to jail and or was arrested at least and he had court ordered like community service so he went and worked at this non-profit environmental non-profit and then when he started getting into politics he was like an environmental lawyer rfk and it's like you had to be yeah what you had to be that would be like he was a very like nice man back in then so but it was it is like a funny it's really funny to think about like uh like you know how you ever met you know guys who are how's how do i say this like i'm just picturing two guys who bought heroin or a guy who bought heroin from from rfk talking to his other buddy and him being like where'd you get this and he's like i got it from one of the kennedys

like he wouldn't i mean his client must have been like i have a profile right i think he i think he was just doing so much of it he probably had like an amount i can't imagine he was selling heroin Can you Google, was RFK selling heroin or what? You can get caught with a lot of drugs for personal use, but it's like with intent to sell. Yeah. Or what? No, not AI. Thank you, Maddie.

14 years feels like a long time to be a heroin addict. I feel like that's like, you're like the luckiest man alive. Yeah. I heard. RFK Jr. was my drug dealer. That's like that Mitch Hedberg thing where he said he walked past two homeless guys in New York and he only caught like a tidbit of their conversation. It was like, when were you ever goalie for the Montreal Canadiens?

Like my drug dealer was RFK. That's awesome. Dude, RFK used to sling the meanest dough. What have you been up to, Maddie? Give us a little window into your life right now. well i was just that's really kind of you to ask but i was just thinking about how you know i feel like most drug delivery now is sort of app based really i think so in what apps i don't have the apps myself oh like for weed no like other stuff too there's like mushrooms yeah

i don't or it's like a number you call it's like yeah really like we've kind of like no in new york centralized that's a good thing in new york i haven't seen that here but in new york like i was last time i was in new york i was with some some folks and one member of the party just like texted a phone number and then a guy pulled up on like a motorcycle and he had like every drug it's a drug dealer yeah he texted his drug oh it wasn't like postmates i don't know but it was like postmates but i was like definitely raised on the idea that like you had to know somebody and like even like ingratiate him into your friend group a little bit yeah like this was not a guy that the person i was with knew at all like you have to be cool to get a drug dealer in

your life it's just like a random guy it's like a delivery kind of fun yeah you have to get like you uh you have to give him like the access code to your gate in like the delivery instructions and he like comes yeah he's to take a photo for like the cartel he's like and just hold it um but what have i been up to uh i'm on tour for stand-up comedy are you doing stand-up comedy here in los angeles uh um change the subject where yeah yeah i am i don't want you guys to come i'm i'm it's my whole act it's pretty underground it's kind of just like intimate i'm just doing two little spots uh at loose uh on at nico wine on sunday night and then i'm also doing um like you know eric

rayhill and their show permanent records oh i know him that's on sunday as well no he's in the i was supposed to do a show like my own headlining show on friday but something came up so i had to cancel it so i'll reschedule los angeles tonight you mean it was supposed to be next friday uh yeah but uh yeah so now i'm on but i'm on tour if you want to come see me it's yeah but it's my first tour i did burlington san diego portland which portland oregon which burlington vermont and then san diego and then san diego you were really hitting all the corners yeah it feels like a really inefficient tour yeah i was gonna say yeah well we're combining long distance relationship with tour burlington just so i can make sure that i have a cold 24 7 i just need to be on a plane

having a cold like for for five months as long as i can that's how you write a win-win yeah you have to kind of be you have to have a cold for months on end and then oh and i am writing some good comedy burlington san diego this is my tour schedule for you burlington san diego portland miami portland maine oh cool no no no portland oregon then miami then portland maine then you hit austin then minnesota i feel like i could be onto something then halifax when you go to halifax is it like so talk me through kind of talk me through your i knew we were coming back to halifax and i knew we have time sydney crosby yeah he's from there right i don't know i don't know where any hockey players from ever okay i don't like hockey is that like can't find is that

Like Canada's equivalent of being like- Coal Harbor? Like anti-establishment. You're right about health hacks. You're right. Oh, nice. Nice. I just don't like hockey as a sport.

I can't find the puck. Seems like it's like- It's on the ice. Aiding and abetting rapists a lot of the time. Well, not him. And also, sure, not all him. But also, here's a controversial thing. Did you guys play hockey?

I have. Yeah. But not- Not organized. Organized, yeah. Right. well it's a very violent sport a lot of concussions

but it's also like the most expensive sport to put your children in so the combination of those two things I don't love it breeds you can pay a lot less

so they have a lot of money and they're concussed that's even worse it's a good combo oh they should run for office come on come on

mic drop I wish Andrew I wish you have so many buttons over there none of them none of them go like hello

could you get a hey-o button uh shoot's like probably we could ask sean but again sean will be the only one that knows how to use it yeah we do we have a guy who has set up this system uh that is very confusing in the studio oh okay he's kind of the keeper of the keys he's the only one that knows how to figure it out he doesn't he also notably doesn't speak american i guess you don't either super thick irish accent like the first day we met him he was like uh you know you might not be able to tell anymore because it's gone away. My accent's gone away, but I actually am from Ireland. No, no.

He was like, oh, you might not be able to tell now, but my accent's gone away since I came to the States. You're like, it's literally the first thing I noticed about you. Like I didn't hear a word that came out of your mouth because I'm thinking about how there it is. Yeah, there it is. Oh, did you hear me doing my impression? Not bad.

He also has a software where he can, he can pull up every episode we've ever recorded and search his name like in the audio thing and then like search

like go through every time we've mentioned him so the last time I ran into him he just like hit me with like bullet points of all the times

I've talked to him really he's got like command and over audio he's like the man yeah he is kind of the man yeah he's like big brother

you just said his name and he just showed up in the window do you understand I didn't even know other people were involved with this he's like the face

of like who else is listening to this right now yeah people are making like edits of him have you seen Heated Rivalry speaking of hockey so you do like hockey well i like gay sex

what's what's the difference am i right come on for real but he he's the producer of this hockey podcast that was like read it like you know reviewing each episode and some lovely ladies out there made some edits of him so we need to find so this podcast empty netters have you heard of them no they're like blowing up there another pod here because the heat of rivalry so we need to find a gay show that could be well if you have any there was a crave original i believe about ladies softball which doesn't have the exact same tension we kind of knew they were fucking on the softball team that's true sort of the big yeah or there's one straight girl on the softball that's the big yeah it's too

straight she has a boyfriend and it's like taboo yeah i didn't even think about that's a great it in we could crack like the lesbian market yeah we gotta crack the we have to start cracking the lesbian market oh i'll help easy all right you get us in there and i'll help and i'll be there every step of the way what's your favorite uh like thing to like eating food yeah i would like to know what's your so what's your favorite thing to eating food okay so i would say that i have like a real answer which is cute but then i have like kind of like i have some answers to questions like that that are kind of like to be a hot girl okay you know what i mean yeah like if i'm on a date with you and you're like what's your favorite food i'm like cheese

pizza with tabasco isn't that weird that's the hot girl is that the hot girl for some reason my head with tabasco is kind of fun yeah someone was like oh i'm sick like what movie should i watch and i was like you should watch the jerk it's my favorite sick day movie i've seen it one time i was like looking through those texts again i was like the hell was that is it great have you seen that movie no dude you would love the there's a scene where he like kicks a guy in the nuts and he just goes dong and he goes oh and then it cuts us on the podcast how was i supposed to know that was iron balls mcginty we watch that on the pod yeah yeah yeah oh my god yeah that's wait is that the one where i was raised a poor black child someone's shooting at him and they hit the cans

behind him and he's like the cans somebody hates these cans it might be honestly i only remember like a few there's like a scene where he's like leaving the hat uh it's fun that's a good movie but you don't you've only seen it once yeah it's not my go-to sick day movie like that was like a true lie yeah and i don't even remember why i was like anyway i don't know what about your head that's hot that's hot it's not like hot but it's like kind of like you know i just locked it in as an answer right but the real answer is raspberries i love raspberries they go bad too quick though i can they're not going bad in my house they're getting eaten they're getting eaten in the car i don't even wash them that's okay that's kind of my point it's like when you

buy them at the grocery store it's not like oh i'm gonna have raspberries this week it's like i'm gonna eat them all today and they're like a hundred dollars yeah do you know what i learned about berries oh no i thought it was poison berries until this week what apparently it's poison boys and there's poison well there is poison berries and then there's also boys and berries but wait what is boys and berries once i will get i'm fucking losing my mind when i was a kid there was this tree by like a creek and their half there was a boysenberry bush at the bottom of it and we were always told don't eat the poison berries but i think my mom was saying don't eat the boysenberries because they're like a wild berry and we don't know i thought you would die

I thought you would like explode, but apparently it's boysenberry boysenberry, but that's not what they looked like pull up poison berry Cuz I think if it's like if it's okay There's there's berries like this that are like different names like some people call those Logan berries. I knew it They were called poison berries like having an argument with yourself You guys are being like so supportive and I'm like I knew it No, I'm down to work this through though because I'm from British Columbia. Mm-hmm. Okay I know what every berry looks like and grows.

Wait, I thought you said you were from Halifax. No, I lived in Halifax briefly. Okay. Part of my homeless life. Is that like a common trope of people from British Columbia that they know every berry? No, but there's berries that grow wild where I'm from, and I know what they all are. But not everyone has this capability. So sometimes I'll be with my best friend, and I'll just eat a berry off a bush, and

she freaks out because her parents just told her, don't eat berries, you'll find. Never eat berries. My parents were like, this is literally my parents' attitude about everything, because They also said I could smoke heroin. What? I said, I'm never going to do heroin, and my dad said you can smoke it. I heard if you're going to do it, snorting it is the healthiest way. But it can irritate the back of your throat.

I watched a Vice documentary. That would be the least of my concerns. Would you ever do heroin? No, I don't think so. Because I read a really compelling Reddit piece about what it feels like. Really? Yeah. And it was good?

Oh, I read that too. yeah it was so well written so you feel like you've already gotten the feeling no it was just like they just described like why you would get addicted and how it would happen yeah and like what the high is like a to the point of satisfaction of like okay and like i know what that would feel like and be like it's just i mean i don't know brain chemistry wise like i wouldn't want like my best set ever to feel not as good as one day when i took heroin true but what was your best set ever every set baby come on the next one the next one maddie you're you're half irish uh-huh did you get the talk of like it runs it alcoholism runs in our blood no which it should

12 percent of men are addicted they didn't mention it no because i don't really drink that much anymore but like and no one really offered it to me as an like i was like not that my parents are big drinkers or anything but i do think like if i have kids i'm just gonna be like hey no one would think it's weird if you don't do this by the way yeah you know what i mean like you're so indoctrinated like yeah even like a person a kid that doesn't drink everyone's like we are so excited for your 21st birthday and the drinks you're gonna have yeah it's like advertised on tv you're gonna have so much fun getting blacked out tonight yeah it's gonna be like so awesome for you now that you can drink you've always been waiting for it because it's awesome we all do it it's

perfect it's literally the best yeah i always wondered like it's like killed all my ancestors it's yeah you gotta try it it's killed all our ancestors thing where like i like since i was like nine years old and all my friends that are also irish said their parents like from like nine years old on we're like it's like flipping a switch they're like it runs in our family we're like alcoholism and i feel like if you just keep telling a kid like you're you are gonna like alcohol too much then they're going to i think if everyone just left me alone i probably would have had less of an attraction my mom had this thing where she's like well i had to watch you drink to make sure you weren't violently allergic to it and once we were past that i was completely fine

she like you guys had like a case study night well i was like definitely you can have a sip of my case study case study very good like a show we do like trivia but you're like have to drink 12 beers yeah i don't know oh my god we're on fire you guys are really cooking we're really good so she sat down with you and we're like get hammered no no where you have where you have were you the kind of family that was like you can have some wine and dinner you can have a sip of my beer like what was on that vibe yes until so like yes until i was the age to drink and then we pretended it didn't exist and then it picked back up at like 17 16 17 maybe right wait what like there was like a brief period like when i was like a freshman high school where it was like

alcohol like so bad like no no no no and when you said when i was at the age to drink you meant like 14 yeah okay when did you start drinking i didn't drink till i was 17 my first beer ever this guy grady mccormick shout out grady mccormick took me to a college like everyone was home from for the summer took me to a college age girls party and i told everyone i was his brother greg mccormick and that i was going to college in the fall and i played beer pong with them and i had a couple beard i'm sorry what age was this i'd have to ask him maybe 13 14 ask him wait you were 13 and passing as a i don't know if anyone was really like like buying it i'm just saying if i'm in college and i'm home for college and someone brings a 13 year old to my party i would be like

get the fuck out of my house she was kind of an open-minded lady and uh was it was they were struggling to really get numbers to this party so i think they were just happy that there was kind of a needed body i wasn't i also wasn't drinking like heavily um yeah we used to we used to buy alcohol and then hide it in the snow bank cool and uh and that works for everything but beer so the first time we bought a 30 pack of beer it froze and then we got to the party we had to wait for it to like what what does that mean hide in the snow like we couldn't bring it into my parents house oh so you'd hide

in the snowbank outside your house outside we'd come in and be like alright we're going to so and so's house got it and then we'd grab

it on the way out I remember us hiding it in a bush to go to a dance right and to and I and I remember this

clearly save Japan after the earthquake it was a save Japan dance it was a save Japan dance oh my god dance I thought you

your alcohol consumption was somehow gonna save Japan well in a way everyone's like the fate of Japan lies on your shoulders save Japan is dramatic

for sure save Japan dance but we put the vodka in the bush there were like nuclear implications to that though so i think it was valid and by the way the bush we we chose was a mile away from the dance right okay then we came back and we found it again and we was on the way and we were scared

that it had been drugged yeah it was on the way we were scared it had been drugged and left it and we couldn't we left the whole bottle we were too scared we were left like this much vodka out of like a bottle you know a mickey yeah a mickey yeah we we call it that what's that you know like is it a volume yeah the canadian thing i think so we call it a mickey and then a two six which is What does a 2-6 stand for? A bottle of 26 ounces of something. And then there's usually like, it's kind of standard bottle sizes. Is this beer or liquor?

Liquor. But it's a Mickey you would have like, you'd have a Mickey. You know when it's like the plastic, like imagine like a plastic Smirnoff bottle of vodka. Small? Yeah. Like a Mad Dog 2020 size? Could you fit it in your hand kind of? Google a Canadian Mickey.

Almost like a flask size, but bigger. It would be like a bottle with a curve in it. Canadian Mickey's like, sorry Daffy. Like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Oh, that's like, the only guys you see with that are people that pull it out of their breast jacket pocket

and are wearing fingerless gloves. You know what I mean? Like he's drinking it to weather the storm. He's not drinking it for pleasure. It's like so cold outside, he needs to warm up. Interesting. It's too cold. So what did you guys have then?

You had beers. I had novels, treatises. Right, because you weren't late until you were 17. Education. yeah and then oh i thought you were saying like the name for the side like in the u.s we call that a treatise no no no no um i think we were come over i got a treatise we were drinking like bottles of svedka like big yeah we were buying in bulk how are you buying them people's like siblings i think i wasn't buying them or people that could pass with a fake id i looked like i

was 12 yeah me too but yeah i or like a beer i guess no one ever brought me for the no i was never part of the the you go to the mall and you'd be like ask like a guy to get it for you yeah which is now i'm like oh my god yeah what going to ask wait you would ask a random yeah and it would it would only be like a buy it for us by the way and they would do it yeah please mr buy us a buy us a mickey yeah we won't we won't give you no trouble buy us we won't give you no trouble cat i would be scared to be like a cop i did i would buy i guess the odds are they're pretty easy to spot oh you mean like an off-duty guy like an undercover like a sting operation they're just like we're gonna wait here yeah for that maddie kelly punk and she's gonna

come ask us for beer oh yeah i guess that would no the cop would be asking yeah yeah you would be the cop in that situation yes no that's what i was saying if i was the guy you asked oh i would be worried you were a cop i got kids i i started like agreeing with you guys i lost my own train No, but I would buy – I've bought alcohol for kids in college when I was a senior. We did once too, I remember. At the basketball games, I would be like, if anyone wants a beer, I'll go buy it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I would buy it for the kids in the grade below me and would just charge them for whatever I bought. so i'd get alcohol for my friend group and theirs and just be like your bottle of svedka costs 120 you guys were able to move in quantities i was not yeah we were i was maybe like maybe my older cousin would buy me a bottle of moscato what's that like really moscato but i don't know what that is really sweet white wine who's fawn moscato um a new girl oh schmidt's the girlfriend yeah oh fun oh my god right i remember going to the 7-eleven outside my dorm and getting barefoot for the first time and just stuffing it in my backpack and walking back in and it being

i didn't think like two bottles like clinking on each other could be louder like it was the loudest for some reason barefoot is like the loudest one yeah i remember going this guy dan fitzgerald is a criminal uh my criminal friend down he would buy me cases of pbr and his mod and i would walk down and pick him up and with my buddy and we would mod that's like what they call like the senior housing and uh i put in my backpack and it just made it made your whole backpack it was square back yeah square backpack i lived on the opposite side of campus so i had to walk i remember those walks across campus and it was just like everyone knew but It's like a probable cause thing where it's like...

The R.A. is like, Will's homework is always cube shapes. Yeah, I was doing cube stuff. Times tables. Did you go to college, Maddie? Yeah. In Canada or here? I went for two years and I dropped out to do stand-up. Here?

In Vancouver. I went to UBC. Aren't there like three main colleges, I feel like, in Canada? Yeah, sure. You're probably thinking McGill. Yeah. UBC. U of T.

And U of T, yeah. Wait, is UBC the purple one? Nope. What's the purple one? Yeah, what's the purple one? Will was asking me earlier. I was kind of asking on behalf of him. Let's go with the purple one.

I think maybe McGill might be purple in vibe. I thought it was like red and blue. I did too. It's not really like about colors. What's the purple college? Oh, Google's purple. In the U.S., college is almost exclusively about colors. Oh, okay.

Yeah. mcgill was where all the it was kids from my high school who were smart but also crunchy you know what i mean yeah it's a specific where grimes went i think that like grimes went there yeah so those are the people for me it was like in canada i was kind of like yes you do get good grades but like you're wanting to party pretty hard because in montreal it's just like they're they just go to like 7 a.m yeah and they live in house like in houses with like eight people and they all get up at like 5 p.m so they can party so they can keep partying ubc was like for scientists oh wc people and stand-up comedians i don't know why i went there i was like i was on

like some praise kink shit you know i just wanted to go to the hardest one to get is that the hardest one to get into in all of canada yeah is that like the harvard no it's not it's not like that there because it's not about it's just so different the college thing is probably the most different thing in the cultures really yeah do most people not go or there's no prestige of going to college that like has to do with like who your parents are or anything like that can have that has nothing to do with anything interesting it's really about your here it's almost exclusively who your parents are yeah we don't even have sats whoa they're getting rid of that here now too oh really yeah i don't think almost any schools require sats i didn't submit anything i didn't

submit this year oh i knew i was supposed to do something but today today's my essay i'm still trying to go take it dude i think i could do i only took it once or no i took it twice we had to do it once at school and my friend garrett mellow had explosive diarrhea and it was so like you know you get like five like breaks or whatever like like a couple five minutes like a few like 15 minutes he was so distracting during the testing portion like squirming and like clearly very uncomfortable that i couldn't think about anything else but like oh my god garrett's like poop his pants and then i took it again at a different high school and that was that was scary but i never i never submitted my sat scores i don't even think i wrote an essay

because you didn't go to college no i did go to college oh but i didn't but you didn't have to submit an SAT score? No. It was test optional. I really want to take some sort of Should we take it together? Should we take the SAT together?

The MCAT? Yeah. The MCAT would be impossible. Well. Only one way to find out. What if you're just like secretly Like LSAT, that's just a test

of how fast you can read. Is it really? Eh. I don't know, man. I'm sorry. For some reason I'm like the last like five things I've said in a row

were all from like early episodes of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast and it's like Who's Malcolm Gladwell? Whoa. You listen to that? I used to listen to that a lot

He pissed me off Is he an NPR guy? He's like Outliers, remember that? Is that that musical about the kids? He's actually Canadian I'm reading Blink right now Okay, and are you enjoying it? Yeah, it's my second time reading it

You're a re-reader Do you annotate on the second time around? I read it sophomore year of high school So it's been a long time Since the last time I read it But I think it's great I mean, apparently a lot of the stuff that he proved right was actually wrong by, like, other peer studies. That's kind of his thing.

Wait, what? Yeah. Is he, like, a philosopher? Can someone give me, like, the skinny? So Blink is kind of about, like, your subconscious knowing the answer before your actual conscience does. Okay. So it's, like, you can look at, like, I can look at that ship and say, I don't think that ship is the right, from the right century or something like that,

that it's supposed to be portraying without actually like breaking down and like cutting up the uh the ship and parts and being like ah yes this wood is from the century that wood is from that century something like that it's just i can just look at it and know subconsciously it's kind of like in golf like some guys believe that they they shouldn't take a practice swing because your first swing is going to be your best swing yeah that too or they say uh they did an experiment where couples would sit down and have a like conversation about nothing for 10 minutes and they'd be able to hang out with my girlfriend they would be able to predict if uh that couple was going to be divorced in 10 years or not and they had like a 90 yeah it had like a 95

or whatever yeah basically i've been my he's like a pop analysis okay like he writes like really readable essays you know but they're they're all like really interesting to read but then as we've gone on with him it's like he's wrong so much he's wrong he was just saying whatever he takes crazy swings he takes crazy things and he his podcast was interesting too you know does he was he ever can you pull him up yeah he's he's half black half jewish i look at him and i know he's got swamp ass right now right it's not that's just important whether you're right or wrong oh i know this guy yes he's like you know like a cognitive i don't really yeah wait so you're telling me that guy can tell me if i'm gonna get a divorce no no no no he just cited that

research in blank which is it's about the unconscious mind but yes he that guy a lot of his things that he gets right i think are low-key obvious like i don't really need analysis to base on intuition on you know i know what intuition is but maybe it's because i read that book i don't know i read it very early what's like his what is he like five in the morning in my life on the day got it i feel like he was a little early with like racial profiling and like what like six in the morning the most recent one i read was like oh would sylvia he's up at like 5 40 in the morning being like yeah during microaggressions yeah wait what were you saying no no no really rude that's all

right it's all right there's four of us you know there's a lot of talking the most recent one i read was like it was like an analysis of like would sylvia plath have committed suicide if she didn't have a gas oven because when gas ovens were not the norm like suicides went down a lot and like suicide is actually a lot of the time like something we do because of opportunity and not because of like we use the stove she stuck her head in the oven yeah for how long i mean if you close all the windows and you have a gas stove and you turn it on i think oh wait she let the gas yeah i thought you meant she like baked herself a lot no oh my god i was like what kind of is that like carbon monoxide yeah basically okay yeah so like stuff like that which is like of

course informs like public architecture stove on all christmas sorry go ahead what did you say you left the stove on christmas apparently all running apparently scott's like up in arms about it my gas bill was really high i do i do that bad with my oven yeah the gas the gas company's like yeah it's like someone was cooking for an entire month okay i didn't wait i my windows were so that's the kind of thing he would write about he was saying he was saying there was a chance like if she didn't have a way to do it she wouldn't have done it yeah it's kind of like uh like when you get high if you don't have snacks in your house like you're not gonna like order them right but if you get if you have them then you're gonna like go nuts yeah that's a good point is

that something yeah that's and it's like it's like what people talk about was like guns like yeah it's not like the guns guns not doing it and now it's like you know more than norm to like put a fence on a bridge yes and a lot of people are like what the hell if you're gonna which is like maybe not true or like the net under like this golden gate bridge isn't there a statistic though they don't have a net on the golden gate bridge but now i think it just means Now it's like the opposite of survival of the fittest where like only people who can jump really far can kill themselves. Death of the fittest.

Wasn't there a stat that's like most people regret it as soon as they jump or something? Every guy that's like survived and jumped, specifically the Golden Gate Bridge, they'll be like literally the second my foot left. I was like, oh, no, never mind. Wow. There was a guy who said he jumped off the –

or he didn't say. He did jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. But he never said it? he said that the second he the second his foot left he realized like all the positive things in his life and he was like oh my god no one's gonna know that i actually didn't want to do this and he hits the water and like shatters every bone in his body and he's like i sank all because i guess somehow you get sucked super far down so he's like i get sucked like 70 feet down and then something's like bumping my body like an animal and he was like oh my god i'm gonna get eaten by

a shark like this is like the opposite of how I thought this was going to go it was not the opposite oh fucking Mondays this is yeah it was a seal that pushed him back to the top of the thing and saved his life yeah

is that crazy yeah I forgot his name but he like now he runs this charity yeah trying to you know prevent this from happening but yeah this seal oh sea lion sorry even seal safe suicide it's a video of it like coming up and taking the gun out of his hand don't fucking do it it's like that have you ever seen a michael jackson concert where he's performing and then a gunman runs out on onto stage and like points

like a machine gun at him and it's obviously it's part of the performance uh michael jackson and he he's the whole crowd is like and then michael jackson slowly puts his arm up and just lowers the barrel of the gun and then the guy collapses and everyone was like, this feels very, pull this up. It's so weird.

I've never seen that in my life. Michael Jackson, Gunman. and then he baptizes yeah and then he baptizes a girl with the sunflower wow that's actually really special hey it's you know what it is today Friday the 13th

spooky have you got any plans have I had anything spooky I would say today emotionally charged surprisingly emotionally charged morning for a morning can we ask why

cool i'm just saying that's personal that's something i had i felt like i was touched by an electric shock you woke up with some with some pap in your step i had shock today i can't go into why you were shocked you asked so i'll tell you i had some shock all right fair enough do you have a valentine's day weekend planned yes well we went for a nice dinner last night wait does your significant other live here yes got it we're long distance i'm proud got it where did you meet He dimmed me. No way. What did he say?

He said, did it hurt when the government turned you into a banana? Because I had posted a picture with the banana filter. And now we're in love, so. So that's sort of worn out. Isn't that good for Valentine's Day? So do you think other guys could use that line, or was it kind of case dependent? To be fair, that did not work when he did it. It took some other things.

What did you say? I don't even, I think I liked it. I liked the message. Kind of baller. You have to, like, accept the message, right? I was following him back. Gotcha. Is this someone we know?

Henry Hall? Do I know Henry Hall? Wait, that sounds so familiar. That sounds so familiar. He's a musician? And an actor. And an actor? It looks like he's married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

It's his mom. Oh, it's his mom? Yeah. That's crazy. I don't know how to break this to you, but I think he's married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I'm actually wearing the dad's sweater right now. Really? Yeah.

Are you saying it's their house? no it was i just liked the look of it wait that's kind of cool yeah it's very cool i i don't know i don't think i know him personally though but what kind of music does he make makes like indie rock i love indie rock that's kind of my dream is to be an indie my favorite indie rock guys from your your home country peach pit mac to marco sure i don't know why i guess peach pit i was thinking like vancouver but then you said home country i'm realizing yeah i saw him at the Peach Pit from Vancouver? Nice.

W. What does Peach Pit sing again? Why can I not think of it? I've been using your shampoo bottles. Wait, can I tell a bomb story? Hit me. Okay. I've been waiting.

Hardest bomb in my life is in Victoria, BC. I was picturing. I definitely thought it was like a bomb. Oh, come on. I'm a stand-up comedian. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Right.

Yeah. Well, there was a bomb on the plane. Did you go to Riyadh? So there I am. Did you go to Riyadh? I thought you said, did you go to rehab? And I was like, we are all over the place, gentlemen. Hey, could I tell you guys about how I bombed?

Yeah, but first, what's your struggle with drugs been? Rehab, that's how I know. That's how I know. Did you go to Riyadh? Did I go to Riyadh? No. Okay, cool. No.

I wasn't asked. Weird. What's Riyadh? I'll consider it next year. Oh, the Saudi thing? Yeah. You should have said it. You would have loved it.

Wait, did you get asked? Yeah. Really? Yeah. We got asked to go do a live pod. Actually? How much money? You got Saudied.

The Prince of Saudi Arabia is a huge detard. That's what Will calls his fans They sort of have a mind of their own I didn't come up with it Would you have done it? Would I have done it? No I would not For like millions of dollars I would do

If there's anyone out there I would do literally anything For a million dollars I don't think I would The stress that I would experience Getting on the plane And being there by myself my health would never recover

do you think they fly you there or do you think you gotta get like I would have a UTI for a year are UTIs stress based mine are because when I get stressed I have sex with random people grimy people all the guys you're having sex with feed raccoons

so that is Henry feeding animals I haven't seen Henry can I call him Hank animal that's who i thought she was talking about hank uh hanky spanky i don't know that i'm gonna be honest i love you hanky spanky you bring this guy up like once a month and i don't know who that i like his vibe man i always see him out at the bars do you know who that is but you always say like it's like a guy i know because i i guess when i'm out like so will and i go uh out to

bars for work and so sometimes when i'm doing it for pleasure yeah the lines get blurred and i think that you're also there that makes sense can you tell us about the your biggest bomb story my biggest bomb was in vancouver nope victoria bc i already said this and i really ate it for all these farmers and they hated my ass okay i was doing a joke about how i got the wrong food from a delivery app okay and it was like the worst thing that ever happened to me you know i was exaggerating for comedic effect these people are staring at me like i'm the worst woman who's ever lived okay headliner gets on stage repeats all my jokes by saying i say he's like she said that was the worst thing that ever happened to her huge laughs

they're like falling out of their chair healing with my jokes that i wrote and i'm like wait but just like critiquing them no he was like he's critiquing them but he's also like why don't these people think i'm joking when i'm saying jokes as a comedian you know what i mean versus like a man gets on stage and everyone's like oh thank fucking christ this guy's here like like a reaction yeah like youtubers watch another youtube video and they like yeah i was like i was joking you can't say the things i said was a joke and be like can you believe she said that yeah do any of his own material or it was mostly i don't know i was like i had to leave because i had to go to peach pit okay so i and i was gonna go to peach pit because i know them and because

my friend hayley blaze was opening you know peach pit yep i do i love peach pit how do you know beach pit how many of them are there just like 20 of them are there really no i was gonna say guys on like symbols i think there's three guys and there's maybe a drummer there what you think i thought you knew them yeah i know them i don't love them i know my friend hayley who was opening for them really really well and then she like she's in like a friend group with them so like i've been in a lot of stuff with them and they all have like their wives or and it's all like a friend group got it so i hang out with them but like i know chris i would say like if chris you're watching this you're listening i'm like i know him i do know you yeah but like the other

ones i'm like have i even talked to you that much i'm not quite sure okay fair enough sorry we'll stop interrupting you can keep going so basically the whole story is that i bombed so fucking hard for these farmers and it was like on the verge of tears and then i went to the concert and then i had to watch like people my age um who i know like with like 500 teenagers like screaming and loving them and i was like i have gone so dramatically wrong there's something horribly wrong with where everything's at for me yeah and it was um it wasn't a wake-up call though evidently i cried but i did cry at the beach pit i cried yeah i had to cry maybe that's kind of nice in the bathroom oh that's worse and the crowd could be like cathartic yeah i had a nice time

at the concert because they're so talented yeah but um why were they all farmers is that what happens good point that's a good question i was just at that time and i still am to some degree like a road comedian right that goes to shows because someone paid me to go there yeah and i didn't they don't know me and i you know i sometimes fail to entertain them well that's like sometimes to humble ourselves after we do this we go to jimmy kimmel just kind of yeah just to get the work if we have a bad pod we go watch kimmel i think we go on kimmel no we go we go in the stands at kimmel right we have a residency at kimmel oh i see where anytime we do poorly we're allowed to go on kimmel speaking of kimmel did i tell you that my mom went on kimmel no

well okay my parents went to Kimmel okay well that's come on dude you're but you gotta you gotta you gotta under no undersell over perform my parents went to Jimmy Kimmel when they were visiting me a couple weeks ago which is funny they sent me like a picture like we're in line it's all the literal oldest people I've ever seen like it was hysterical heads yeah all the Kimmel heads and uh they I guess they're in there like while they're like waiting for the show to start there's like some guy that comes down is like I don't know have you guys ever been to like a live taping of something yeah yes you have i've never like for anything i've never met but any i guess he was like anyone got any like hidden talents in the audience you've seen something like

this and i guess my dad like pointed my mom and was like she can do all she knows all the words the rappers delight which you know it's like old rap song by the sugar hill gang this is an amazing story and yeah and so they never told we have a show where we talk twice a week i just i don't know we have so much to talk about so they bring her down on the stage at kimmel and the band immediately like the band was like just kind of in the back doing their thing but they were like oh we know that so they start playing it and so my mom rapped all of rapper's delight for the live studio audience at jimmy kim a hip a hop a hip to the hip to hip to up jump the boogie to the bang bang boogie to bang the boogie with a beat so is this a thing like den ellens are born with

now what you hear is not a test I'm repping to the beat yeah it is something my mom was born with she knows all the words and she would do it at we have a neighborhood oyster roast every year which is at where is this in the world Charleston South Carolina well they moved away but we

used to live there and have you seen Outer Banks nope okay well Sarah Cameron so disappointed he's feeling this okay I guess the story still works yeah you're just gonna have to bear with me I don't even yeah okay it's like if I hadn't seen that'd be like if i hadn't seen psych let's try and explain this it's like uh it's all

filmed in vancouver oh okay and this is a canadian tv show well i just did one while you were talking okay it's like psych for south carolina because they because it's not based there but it's filmed there it's like it's like um vancouver pd blue santa barbara but it's like anyway they're filming outer banks sarah cameron's house in that show is where we would have our neighborhood oyster roast and i lived in a neighborhood that was house yeah or in the property it was like a venue it's like a plantation home and then all the normal houses are all around it jesus it's a weird legacy it's a weird there's some weird history and what do you think those other houses used to be i mean well that's yeah uh not the house on the property i'm saying like our

neighborhood where like all the houses around it but which mostly was i would say it's probably 50 50 by the end of it we were we were part of the gentrification of it but a largely black community especially at the oyster roast and so it was like a band of like these older black guys that's supposed to be that was just like who showed up like it was like put on by like black members of the community and it was like a largely drew from the black part of our neighborhood charleston's very i mean it's like yeah it's not like a bad like it's just like how it's very divided up they're black neighborhoods and white neighborhoods that go way back to like economic Like, it's all fucked up.

I mean, I think some people had some. There's some rules, maybe. I think we know what happened. I think we're all on the same page about what happened. Yeah, so don't try to be like, what does that mean? No, I thought you were trying to say oyster bakes is, like, a famously, like, black thing. No, everyone has oyster roasts. Gotcha.

Oyster roasts are like barbecues in Trump's time. I'm liking learning about that. Yeah, like, instead of, like, you don't have, like, oh, we're having. What's that? I'm liking getting to know where you're from. Yeah, it's cool. it's like white people do them black people do them everyone has an oyster roast so and they have these cool big round tables with a hole in the middle so you like shuck the oysters and then

you put the shells in the hole in the middle and everyone stands around it's a very social thing anyway at the neighborhood oyster roast they would have this band which is these old like charleston like black guys from charleston and they would be playing old all the old hits a lot of older people yeah this band of like these guys who've been in charleston forever and my mom they it became a yearly tradition because one year she was rapping all the words of Rapper's Delight when they were playing it and they saw her and were like, get on up here. And so then they would invite her up

every year. And so every year she would get up there in front of everyone and perform all of Rapper's Delight in front of everyone at the Oyster House. That's amazing. A very fun tradition. Good for your mom for having an A thing she does and doing it when it's appropriate.

It's good to have a back pocket talent. That's excellent. I thought you were going to tell her the Outer Banks thing. That's my favorite one of your family's stories well that's a different story okay but can i ask a question yeah please do you guys eat raw oysters there they do every i don't eat oysters unfortunately so i would just kind of watch for political reasons for political reasons yeah um because someone's got to take a stand yeah exactly no i just don't like seafood but they yeah they eat all sorts of oysters but i think these were no these were like steamed or boiled or something

i don't know but they were like in clusters like fresh out of the water it's cool um anyway another thing that happened was that the they were filming season two of outer banks right around when the george floyd stuff happened uh and so there was a night which i'm now that i'm thinking about the timeline like wasn't everything shut down then because of covid i don't really know what they were still filming yeah they must have been like still i don't know charleston wasn't really shut down quite honestly anyway there was a night where there were really bad riots in downtown charleston and that night they right that night they put up the art for season two and the opening shot of season two of outer banks if you go watch is they spray paint

racists or something or no murderers they spray paint murderer on the outside of sarah cameron's house which is the old plantation home in our neighborhood which has a you know a large black community and so the morning after these like riots downtown or whatever you want to call it there's murderers spray painted on the outside of this old plantation home so it is the top story in our like neighborhood facebook group like everyone's you know going at each other's throats all this shit you know it's bringing up all this like there's just a lot of like uh really bad stuff under the surface in charleston it's kind of fucked and then after like a week of all this infighting in our neighborhood a producer from outer banks comes on it's like hey guys so uh

not to invalidate any of the feelings here but uh this was for outer banks season two that was fake graffiti uh yeah that is so crazy so it like stirred like the biggest controversy in the history of my neighborhood that's like when they they they graffitied the um la tunnel for joker two what did it say just like they did all this graffiti and i was like that's like the perfect metaphor for this fucking movie it's like they had to like make the whole thing is like look how bad society is and it's like you did that yeah you did the graffiti there wasn't any there wasn't any graffiti there actually that is uh i didn't see joker two i didn't either i don't think okay i just saw joker one and i i didn't see joker one either i hated it really i was not a fan hated

at that film willie and i were at a dodgers game one time it's true and willie has a very small bladder he has to pee a lot and when we were walking back to my car he couldn't hold it anymore and so i was like this is like a good secluded spot like you were like an underpass we were like in like a kind of this like seedy kind of underpat like shadowy area and i was like just pee there and we look down and he's peeing on an ms-13 tag and we were like oh my god for once i need this to be the quickest p of your life this would be the dumbest way to get in trouble yeah that's really funny i was trying to start some shit what if like tmz caught you and it was like like local podcast hero stands up to gang violence in like peeing state i went pee at

a dodgers game once how was that for you it was no well it was pretty boring game i loved going baseball so i wasn't upset i was gone for five minutes i missed a home run the wave and the seventh inning stretch oh my god okay i was literally gone for five to six minutes it must have been like 10 i'm gonna be honest no it wasn't it was a short piece and no line i got lucky there was no line the good news is the wave comes back yeah you didn't it was a one-off everyone's like and this is the only all right we're gonna do the wave i need everyone to be on their It was Fireworks Friday, but then they didn't have fireworks. They had a drone show for Demon Slayer.

Oh. K-pop? You're in the bathroom. K-pop? Yeah. I've been in Hunters. Is it good? I don't know.

I just saw the drone show. Was the drone show good? It's the most viewed movie in Netflix history. Yeah, not for long. Got a script I'm working on, but you guys have got to reach out for the Great Depression. You're in the bathroom. I got to go pee. That made me have to pee.

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show and tell them that we sent you let's get back into the episode i think la fashion and i'm comfortable getting this on friggin mic okay i think la fashion tell them generally is pretty embarrassing on both sides of the aisle whoa i think most people would not have been wearing what they're wearing five years ago i wore some variation of this outfit in college i feel like try not to take what i'm saying personally i also don't think that we are any part of la that's a good point but just like you know people don't really i don't i could i can't really tell who people are based on their clothing i don't think people have like so much style is that like the trending they really everyone's wearing crap sunglasses and pretty crap sunglasses

that company yeah my sister moved to new york though and now everything she owns is black can you google crap only wears black leather and black jeans and boots yeah and stuff like that so i feel like new york is like that too well it's just filthy it's just you want to wear black my i went and visited my sister in new york and i slept on her her futon and when we went out there were a lot of there were a lot of a lot of like finance guys out at the bars and stuff too yeah yeah yeah i i i'm trying to i'm just trying to keep up i don't know what to i hate fucking drowning i hate getting it i hate getting dressed i think there's good people on the east side and west side of los angeles i like los angeles i i aspire to move here again one day how long were

you here for two years but as you know i was in halifax for a lot of that yes you were kind of split between i lived in i lived in la for two years but the majority of that was in halifax yeah well i was living in a hotel wait i have a question why halifax then i was working on a television show which show it's called this hour has 22 minutes i know that show it's on yeah because that's where nathan fielder got his start yeah you worked on that yeah that's sick whoa were you on air a couple times yeah oh that's cool what is it maddie it's like canada's snl kinda it's like been on for 31 years it's like a news satire sketches i had a great experience is it 22 minutes long yeah well most things are right because of commercials yeah it's like a half hour

it's a half hour show it was a it was a play on scheduling nightmare there was like it there was a news show that was called like this week has one this hour has a whole week or something there was some sort of like you know we're on news thing it was like a play on that but then it's also like funny because it's like the news was an hour back then and this one's it's a half hour comedy got it but it's a pretend news show 22 minutes is a really funny because that like when you go watch like the office on yeah it's 21 minutes 22 minutes yeah that's that's special did you see that the uk started at snl i did yeah yeah i like how like the uk was like now was the time they were like we gotta do that filtering on that this is hot well they tried it in in montreal they called

french canadian snl last in 16 episodes well that's just a mouth isn't that hilarious that's a mouthful they called it french canadian snl no what did they call it oh they must have i don't Live from Quebec, it's French-Canadian SNL. SNL. That's my French. Where Will's parents live in Maine, in the summertime, all the French-Canadians come down. That's their hot spot.

Cool. Well, not cool. It's overrun. Have you ever heard of Old Orchard Beach? Uh-uh. There was a viral moment when Trudeau gave his big F your tariffs thing. he was like and now canadians i need we gotta fight back that means no more going to old orchard

beach and we're like whoa we'll do it we're serious about this uh so it's like a viral town my parents live in oh i had no idea that's where they live now what's your favorite artist visual artist musical any media outside of peach my number one artist of last year on on an app I don't have anymore. It was my own boyfriend. That's very sweet. And then who's number two? Lil Wayne.

Lil Wayne? Yeah, Wheezy. Is it really? Is it really? Yeah, it is, yeah. What's your favorite album? I just like my songs that I like to make me feel pumped up

when I'm going to the gym or going to do stand-up comedy. Do you know Bedrock by Lil Wayne? It was kind of a meeting of the... I don't think that's by him. He's in it, though. isn't he? Yeah.

It was like a meeting of the minds. There were like six guys on the song and that was the first song I got on my iPod and I would click play, put it on repeat and then put it under my pillow and go to bed. So for years I would fall asleep to bedrock.

That is crazy. Have you ever told anyone that? I think I've talked about that. I don't know if I knew that actually. It was, I had, I had a... That's kind of like giving like poison berry to me. I'm like, that seems like that's pretty key. yeah i i still have i still had bunk beds if that tells you like kind of what oh my god guys

i had bunk beds did yours were yours i was a freaking only child yeah why stack the beds is that real yeah well who slept on the other bed nobody i just i just switched it up yeah i just got to switch that was always there's always like oh adhd is like not caused by upbringing i think it is wait why did you have bunk beds too because you had sisters uh i think it was like in case i had a buddy come over yeah my dad was like seemed to think that if i had a buddy come over i would like want them to sleep way more sleepovers i had a brother one brother so we had bunk beds but that makes sense that makes sense well i did have a sister eventually okay when i was eight but i'm just like for a long time i was an only child yeah i fell off the top once sorry yeah he you

can tell no you can tell i fell off and then i rolled under oh no and you woke up under and i woke up under my oh my god but i also after i told that a couple weeks ago i think i might be merging two stories i think there one story was i fell off and one story was i rolled off the bottom bunk and then rolled under and woke up under and then i think i combined those can i give you a piece of advice you can do that moving forward conflate them it's so funny to picture you falling off the top when i'm rolling under the bottom so you're waking up under when you're on the top wow that's my impression of you probably wait can you tell me my your favorite stand-up joke of mine now yeah maddie has this really funny uh thing about tickling men oh nice

yeah can you tell willie it okay yeah i know that that's like isn't that like a taboo you're not supposed to like ask like stand-up comedians like do that joke for my friend no you're not supposed to say tell me a joke okay which by the way yeah if you say that to me i won't like it but i will tell you a street joke but then when people really pester me to do my act and like on dinner party something i'm like but if you request an actual joke where i could just tell you the observations that one's my favorite yeah it's basically that guys don't like to be tickled anymore anymore yeah okay i don't know what's going on with this because i had a prolonged slutty period and i was just sort of discovering this that um that guys don't like to be tickled

anymore i don't really mind it my lovely girlfriend hates wait that was in the smack dab no no i don't i'm not gonna do all the punch lines to it that's the i just my favorite part of it oh i thought that was it now there there was more rusty's like it's like three minutes the consent aspect of it was very funny where you were talking about uh how now when you tickle a man they'll go stop it i don't like that and you have to stop because we're trying to teach them about that got it and that i thought was very content's not a big part of tickling yeah my all my all my there are a lot of ladies in my family sent it out oh great years uh no not years ago earlier this year right whenever i followed you yeah and my sisters loved it oh great i thought

it was very my girlfriend hates being tickled like freaks out like stop stop and i'm like okay like but it's not like i'm i'm not even trying to tickle her at this point because i i got the message it's just like i accidentally touched near her armpit she has like a fucking meltdown wow my boyfriend not ticklish at all after all this you know fun after all this not ticklish well no it's no way it's good because i get to try as hard as i want but you need them to be ticklish so that there's like a nuclear option like if you're if like things are not going well you can you can kind of break the ice true my girlfriend tickles me to no end and then i tickled her back literally one time like she was taking me all night and i kept saying like

stop it stop it stop it and then she tickled me like and it just set me off and i rolled over and i tickled her for like five seconds like really hard on the sides and she cried damn yeah she cried she and i was like that's how i feel all the time i feel helpless but i went for like three seconds and she cried oh when i was a kid i was obsessed with the like buzzer one you know remember that yeah and then i mean i like the feeling so maybe my cousin do it a bunch of times and it stop working my brother used to do that be like you overdid it yeah you ever been victim to the typewriter my brother used to wait victim to the typewriter sounds like a tortured writer's autobiography can i show you can you lay down on the ground is this gonna suck no i won't do it to

hurt face down or face down or on your back okay yeah you're gonna be able to see this on the camera uh let me move it I would do so so the key is you got to pin the arms down wow so you go like this he would go like this pin the arms down and then this feels like the start of oh my god yeah I don't that's not tickling that's just like yeah it's like my my sternum yeah and so he would do that but at like an irregular pattern too where it was like chinese water torture like it you couldn't like what did that feel like for you was it it was the worst pain of my it sucks right it kind of sneaky hurts yeah what hurt more was the face you were making looked like you were enjoying it to no end yeah well that was my

brother's like ultimate torture he did all the time and it's his birthday today so i forgive him i only had sisters and so it was more like psychological they used to lock me out they with their minds it's like how are you i'm in the other room how are you doing this they would lock me out of different parts of the house that they were in and then uh because my name's jack they would go hit they'd sing hit the road jack and don't you come back no more no more no more oh no that's really really really mean but they all older yeah yeah all of them they don't teach you about like what girls want and like and stuff uh no i think it just made me uh like i it made me worried about um leaving the room because now i'm worried girls are gonna like lock me out

so i always kind of try and wait until everyone else is gone i've been hearing noises on my patio so i've been sleeping with pepper spray on my nightstand and i think today was the day i decided I am paranoid for no reason. I think you need a more manly thing to send them off with. No, like a bat or something. Pepper Spring is kind of like an easy way out. Like a man should have to hit him with a bat or something. I don't play baseball.

We have a lot of bats here. I have a football. You have to put a sock on the bat. Why? Because when you hit them with the bat, they're going to grab it out of your hands. but if there's a sock on it, then they grab the sock and give another hit. How do you know this? Because I'm a woman, I have to be on constant guard for these guys.

Do you carry a pepper spray? No, I'd pepper spray my face immediately. I'm scared of like rolling over in bed and going, ah! Yeah. Because it's like right there. I know myself. That was my, yeah. I got a safe and, and... Don't even get me

started. All he has in it is his passport. No, I have checks in there now and I have my baby. Blank check. You should put a a hard drive of all your family photos thank you thank you see she understands it will was saying i shouldn't have bought the safe until yes with fingerprint access well it's overkill i'm just saying he didn't even know what he was just like i'm buying a safe and then he decided to fill it with things i was like usually you'd have the need for it before you would buy it documents

i was no i know this is the classic manifestation right you get the safe and then you want to fill it up then you will acquire the valuables it took three days for it to get are you a harry potter fan yeah okay so riddle me this if you pull if you're uh one of your roommates worked at a like card place like trading card place and he pulled a weasley double patch card for you would you just keep it out in the open or would you be glad you had a safe i'd probably be glad i had a safe it's worth nearly 65 dollars no it's not a a an autographed version of the same card sold for two thousand dollars my roommate said right now i could get 600 what does autographed mean by the actors i'd probably frame it it's the 85th

of 85 in the world so the most valuable are the first one out of 85 and 85 out of 85 i have the last one ever produced and it's real patches from their from their costumes right i'm just i'm just wanting to know i think this is good thank you there's worse ways it's nice it's really cool it's really good and it's cool it's cool you scan in on your fingerprint the fingerprint thing i put my nudes in it you go beep beep and then and then you turn you get to turn the like fit like it has like an old-timey safe thing on it where it's where is is it hidden or is it out can't tell her that here's a funny story about the safe i got it delivered the same we were having trouble with our water heaters and so they were constantly handy men in our house trying to

fix our water heater and they were in my bathroom when the safe got delivered and so i bring as they're like they they'd kind of been in and out of our house and right as they're doing the work i unbox a safe and put all my stuff in it that like i thought had value and then locked it and when i left the room i i was thinking if i was working at some guy's house and he had a safe delivered while i was in his room and put all of his stuff in it and then locked it i would feel like he didn't trust me or the other side could be like oh my god why would he let us see him doing this now we know all the stuff yeah i i told my roommate the code because i needed him to send me a picture of my passport and he told me it was too easy to guess it's your birthday

no no no it's like just a random like i just i went to like a number generator so it'd be completely random and i sent it to him and he was like people are gonna guess that i'm like there was it has the same we got in a huge fight one time me my buddy daniel and my buddy declan because there was like a a code that we got for something and it was like the code was like 2006 and he was like that's so easy to guess and we're like why and he's like because it's a year and we're like yeah but that's not a year that means anything it's just as random people aren't gonna guess also he would be worried that someone was also forgetting a criminal doesn't have unlimited time sitting around thinking about you and your also that would mean they were trying to log into your

account at the exact moment and this goes back to you know opportunity right as a factor in results have you ever committed a crime yeah i used to shoplift like a little nail polish now and then as a treat but also that company was doing massive price collusion like horrible horrible illegal robin hood so like we all kind of were doing it to kind of push back well yeah it's yeah i can't think of anything fun i've done crime wise i broke into the minor league baseball stadium in charleston once ever tell you that i mean i guess i won't implicate him but uh me and my buddy will jumped the fence at the minor league baseball stadium we were just it was literally a night where we were just like up to no good we climbed on the roof of the galliard center which

just like this big like concert hall in charleston got some cool views then we went down went to the baseball stadium broke in went to we found a fridge that was like uh chained shut but you could sneak a hand through there and get a beer out so we took two goose island ipas went to home plate and shot because we're on a crime what a night and we and this is like so out of character for like i've never i'm not like i especially at this point in my life i was a very okay i was I was letting loose. We were doing like old school things high schoolers do in a movie. Yeah, it's like do you like teepee someone's house?

Yeah, and so we shotgunned Goose Island IPAs on home plate because we thought that would be fun. And then right as we were there, we heard like a maintenance guy come out. And so we booked it, but the fastest way out of there was to run all the way through the baseball field, through right field, and hop over the outfield wall. So it was kind of fun. Like we got to the outfield wall and we're like, and like launched ourselves over the outfield wall. what if there was like a scout that like right as you like right as you reached thing like stopped his stopwatch 4 4 40 and he was like he was like we need to get this guy on the team yeah i did

that though that was a crime i did one time that's good i broke into the joe that's what they called it yeah i got reminded of a crime i did over christmas break we were at i was at a mexican restaurant with my friend luke and his girlfriend and we saw these two kids from our rival high high school and so i went up to the girl it was a brother and sister i went up to the sister and was like oh my god like great to see you and they're with their dad and i said hello and then i went back to eating and on the way out i went to say goodbye and this kid reminded me of an altercation we got it not him and i but a kid another kid from his school got in after the women's lacrosse state championship where he shot a confetti gun at me and in retaliation i went to

throw a uh you know like a deep hole is in lacrosse like the really long shafts one of my friends had broken his there was like a thing this long and i threw it at the kid's car and it like perfectly stuck in the hood like it was just like a miracle wow that it did it and then i got a call from a detective like a week later and he was like you have to pay for the hood yeah so you were getting into crimes in the hood i was mainly into hood crimes all right should we do sayings that don't exist yeah yeah can i go last yes okay oh wait also i know we're not doing this as a prompt today but yesterday i thought of a great curb your enthusiasm plot that doesn't exist i have one of those do you want to do one of you yeah we'll do one i was thinking larry so larry's at a stoplight

and if we do this i'm going to reuse this if we do it soon and i'll polish it up a little bit but The rough idea is Larry's at a stoplight. The car in front of him doesn't go for a couple seconds when the light turns green, so he starts honking at the guy. Unbeknownst to him, there's one of those rallies on the corner where it's like, honk if you support ICE. And his housekeeper sees him honking, and then she confronts him at home because she thinks he supports ICE.

That's a good one. That's a good one. What's yours? Mine is that someone in his office keeps squishing the garbage and not taking it out. that's good yeah and he's going no more squishing that's a takeout oh that's that's very good yeah i do that a lot yeah here think we thankfully we have the most trash cans i've ever seen yeah i'm a big squisher but at home i squish it's like my word like i'm like not delinquent with chores anymore but like if you if i live this is the reason i don't live alone because

if i live alone i will never take out the garbage my house i'd be like a hoarder i have a shoot though i have a shoot now i've made it you want to hear my business idea i came up with a couple yeah i like when you guys give each other a knowing look like you know what the other person it's cute it's like being around a couple he i had this idea there's already trash shoots in our apartment building that there's one for each floor they should have off shoots that go straight under where your trash can would be and you just it's like a trash can that's pre-built into the floor right and when it's filled up with trash you just press the button and it all falls down into the thing all right should we do sayings that don't exist let's get it these are more

sayings that don't exist all right ready don't squeeze the soap until you see the sink all right this is don't create a mess on your hands until you're positive you have a way to get out of it so wait until you have the tools to solve it before you take the first step i like that a lot uh if you write in ink you can't erase it so sometimes when you're in an argument you want to say something super hurtful or let me what i wrote in an argument choose your words carefully because some things can't be taken back after you've already said them right love it okay i have for every piccadillo there's a pecker in its wake what does that mean well i just thought it sounded good i do like that a lot yeah but piccadillo actually apparently is a bean dish

but i was thinking for some reason it was a type of man i don't know why and i was like if you have like a guy who's like kind of a douche like wait till you meet his fucking friends yeah for every i like that a lot yeah uh chewing gum till the flavor comes back some things are worth giving up on i like that cost fallacy that's like that's that's really good uh i can tie your tie but i can't wear it for you you can help someone prepare for something but at the end of the day they're gonna have to do it on their own that's really good pull it and make it all cattywampus yes i wore a tuxedo last weekend and i was trying to get a bow tie tied for probably four hours you do the elephant method uh what's that two years a trunk and then you pull it forward loop through

that's just how you tie a bow tie yeah but you have to come up with something to it's like loop swoop and it's like the bunny these are things how we get through the day yeah you need these these little things these little moments we tell ourselves stories in order to live okay I have one which is

the closer the landlord the further from God wait say it again sorry it means when you're looking for a new apartment check where your landlord lives because if it's above you

it's going to be a different situation than like in another city oh my god my girlfriend wanted to get a dog and emailed her landlord and her landlord was like

actually no dogs in the building even though there just fully are dogs in the building she just lives above her landlord yes so he's like and then the next day put up a sign no dogs and there's like fully other dogs that live there they definitely had to be like hey you're fine i'm just doing a thing wow my sister i was watching my sister's dog for two weeks and when she dropped

her off it was probably like she probably already needed to get her nails clipped and so when i had her for two weeks they got to the point where like you could hear her click clacking around and my downstairs neighbor like already hates us for the noise and i was like he is probably having an aneurysm wow speaking of dogs that dog right there cat his name is kevin king too oh yeah it's nice uh oh my oh is it my turn no i think i'm up breaking wind in the barber chair all right don't wait until you're in a bad situation and then you have to do something bad all right get the do the the messy stuff maybe on your own time while you're alone so you don't make at other people's problems that's so funny uh if you have something annoying to do do it in private

in private don't make it someone else's problem love it cool uh stuck in sidewalk traffic it's someone who's making excuses for their lack of progress on a task they could easily get around the obstacles that they're creating for themselves but they're choosing to uh not you guys are it cooking thank you okay mine is if he can't get hard with a condom on don't have sex with him if he can't get hard with a condom on right sex with him so is that like a literal one yeah what is the that feels like more just like maybe like lady advice i think that should be a saying if you can't get hard with a condom on don't have sex with him i'm like what if he's trying his best that's kind of how they get you what if he what if he decides he'll just

take care of you and we can worry about him later that sounds good okay w all right should we do the office plots that don't exist yeah i've got some steamers uh these are more the office plots that don't exist uh michael comes into the office with a big hickey on his neck he's making a big show of pretending to hide it but eventually brags to jim that jan gave it to him when jan visits the office the truth comes out that he burned his neck on his fajita plate at chili's when he bent down to get his napkin off the floor that's awesome that's a good one jim gets dwight's testosterone levels tested as the beginning of a prank but when dwight's levels come back unusually high jim begins investigating if dwight is juicing love that uh jim's barber moves out of scranton

and all of a sudden he keeps getting horrible haircuts like mohawk type stuff like he just can't get it right and he's losing clients left and right turns out dwight is paying his barber to go off the grid and live in a little remote hut to screw him over whoa i like that dwight fights back dwight fights back in this one yeah uh michael finds out about deforestation and makes his makes it his mission to stop it he organizes a save the trees day of protest save the trees day of protest but cancels it when he finds out paper comes from trees oh that's good business thank you pam does ayahuasca that is fun stanley is grumpy but boys he lovable grump he's no nonsense and keeps himself but hey that why we love him listen if he do puzzle you'll never hear

from that lovable grump yeah lovable grump with a bit of a sassy side don't let that sassy side come out he's a wild child when that sassy side comes out with his puzzles wait your ayahuasca thing remind me do you know billy langdon he like works on the sketches for a2 he is very funny but he had this ayahuasca story you should have said yes your life is gonna be hell go ahead do i know him he will kill you yeah he went to do ayahuasca and i'm a huge fan of his work he's fantastic um but he said he they're doing like the ceremony and everyone around him is clearly like already in the throes of like their trip whatever whatever it's called and he's not feeling anything yet and then a giant like

corn like six foot tall corn man like a giant corn of cob comes out and he's like billy's like can you answer all of my questions? And the corn guy said, are your questions about corn? And Billy said no. And then apparently he just disappeared and then he went into the intense trip. That was the beginning.

I guess. That was one layer. That's terrifying. I don't think I could do that. I would have a lot of questions about corn. Yeah, I would have one. First of all, where do you get off? Why does it come out the same way I eat it when I poop?

So easy to get off the cob, impossible to put back on. explain that to me uh jim tricks dwight into believing the cia is communicating with him through the wordle by creating a fake wordle on dwight's computer that he can control he gets dwight to think that ryan is a russian spy and when dwight uh bugs ryan's computer he finds out that ryan doesn't even turn his computer on when he comes into work oh you want to hear my version of uh ryan's computer after dwight bugs it ah please stop like he's bugging it or something like this is so annoying stop bugging me i have work to do i'm so sorry i have data to do billy's

running out of steam hit us maddie michael has to go to anti-scam school because he keeps falling for phishing scams he makes a friend with a guy in there played by nathan fielder guest star and is shown a hack to get a bonus from the company does he turn in his new friend or betray david wallace his favorite ceo maddie thank you so much for coming on do you want to fucking bombed me at the end Oh my god he's been crying this whole time Maddie do you want to plug anything Where can people find you

Where can they come see you on tour You nuked me Everything is it's Maddie Kelly Uh No EY As we learned earlier unless that was cut I'm gonna need a job at EY Let's not

Don't call my heritage Anecdote boring My website is maddiekelly.net and you can get tickets for anything upcoming. What happens on go to maddiekelly.com. What happens? Have you tried it? I used to own maddiekelly.com I lost it. I was

going through some financial insecurity. But you know what? Maddiekelly.net is a lot stickier because it sort of seems like it's going to be on it.com. That's net. That's the real one. I'm also coming to Pittsburgh. Yeah. Who else would that be? I can't see through like the

It's pixelated. Yeah, that's cool. Seaside, which you guys detest. What is it? You guys hate Eastside people like me. Eastside stand up. There I am. Right? Come on, man.

So yeah, but come to a show. They're really fun. I will be there on March 13th in Chicago. And I am going to Chandler, Arizona on April 19th. Very cool. I actually can't. I'm not going to be there. Chandler, Arizona.

What's next? That's right. Monica, New York. All right. And that's probably the last thing we can talk about. Probably the last time we'll ever be on air. All right. And we are getting, Spotify is pulling our contract.

We love you guys. Have a great rest of your Monday, Wednesday. We don't have a contract with Spotify. Do you think we have a contract with Spotify? We got to get a contract with Spotify. Can we get a contract with Spotify? I can't help. Please.

Later, skaters. Thank you, Matt. Thank you. Was that okay? Yeah, that was great. Oh, okay. Thank you, Maddie. Okay, good.

I had fun.