Will & Rusty's Playdate - worst fantasy football punishments of all time

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/@playdatepod https://www.instagram.com/playdate.pod https://www.tiktok.com/@playdatepod Willy: https://www.instagram.com/willdonnellon https://www.tiktok.com/@willydonnellon Rusty: https://www.instagram.com/featherstonerusty https://www.tiktok.com/@rustyfeatherstone Andrew: https://www.instagram.com/andrew_nelson_ NEW MERCH: https://playdatepod.shop/  PAID PARTNERSHIPS: [e-mail]  GUESTS AND INQUIRIES ONLY: [e-mail] SUBMIT YOUR BUSINESS PITCH HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdPHd7Ps9TaX-TOozyLhDpr9Y7pFNMP9PX7cHuLxap1R78GWg/viewform?usp=header SUBMIT YOUR AITA STORY HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdQElfqdQutn3dzl5HcZfey6YWhbVd-n6XE7FkpfosWZyYhyA/viewform?usp=sf_link SUBMIT YOUR CONFESSIONS HERE: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSedx06Mo5EBt7WJAehTXwRoF3JzP0T7-kiDvYOphgxaPvtzKQ/viewform?usp=publish-editor  SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: If you haven't tried Barebells yet, go to barebells.com to shop the full lineup and use code PLAYDATE for 15% off your order. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/pd  Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code PLAYDATE at mudwtr.com/PLAYDATE! #mudwtrpod Don’t sleep on [@ultrapouches]. New customers get 15% Off with code PLAYDATE at takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad  00:00 - intro 5:47 - bruised throat 12:45 - UCF burger freak off  22:18 - all time guy 30:24 - fantasy football 46:45 - bug farts 57:05 - Newt Gingrich 1:08:18 - pizookie talk 1:31:10 - confessions #AlmostFriday #FridayBeers #PlaydatePod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

you know what i did too i just backed up into a tree and just crunched my mirror it didn't come off all the way i think it'll like pop back in your mirror on my car oh on the side the side mirror like i was like backing in and just went way too i didn't i know i think those are easy to fix though i think it literally like they can just like yeah yeah i did that one time like pulling out of my garage at home just slammed it right for her high school they're meant to uh crumple really like that's why like if you like touch it against something it's meant to crumple because it like if it didn't it would think about how dangerous that would be if you had like if it like flew off like or like if it was it sounds sick what are you guys

talking about oh my god jesus fuck they're loud so loud let me turn him down no it was because he it was because he screamed he like was screaming for it because bro was like begging for it um i'm sorry played it is brought to you by bear bells rusty show me your bear bells we were talking about i told andrew that i backed into a tree today and crumpled my mirror oh i've done that where it like dude literally like i like i was going yeah i was going like two miles an hour and just kind of bumped it on this tree and it like fucking it was like it had a self-destruct button wait and then did you when you pulled out did it like pop right back no i went to try and just like jerk it

back into place but it didn't um all right no i did that in so i tried jacking it off and it didn't it just didn't go back in in high school i did that in my dad's car and it like crumpled and i literally went like and i just drove forward back and it just like uncrumpled and it was there wasn't even a scratch i don't know what so i think it's because they're designed that way because if they were like anchored to like the frame of the car yeah and you did that like the car would like like they like rip the side off you're not like dangerous that would be i think they're just like and the mirror i think it protects like the actual mirror itself yeah like now when when you look at your mirror now that i know about it it's like there's kind of like a gap between the mirror

and the actual edge so that it like has some give yeah yes side mirrors are specifically designed to break away folded detach upon impact to prevent severe damage to the car's door panel and reduce injuries to pedestrians when i was uh like 15 or 16 i just got my license so i was 16 the first week god i i know i know you then i know dude you wouldn't have i don't think we would have gotten along actually maybe we would have gotten along yeah i don't know i just meant like your body would have been young oh my god dude my body was nimble you could put my legs you could like turn them around like a ken doll not i don't even know you could you could fuck my ass and look me in the eyes at the same time i think is what i'm getting at uh but i hit a tree

going like 60 miles an hour and the only thing that hit the this was like i probably should have died in in this one i told you i really looked at the skid marks and like two of the um like the right side of the car left the ground for a second like there's like two skid marks and then the right one stops for like 18 feet oh and then it was but we hit the tree only with my mirror so it was like oh okay and it just like flew off and we just kind of went about went out and with their uh for their day well that was the other thing i'm now thinking about is it's also for other people like we have things that go 60 miles an hour and there's just like metal like rods sticking out of them oh but are you saying like if i hit you know like someone with

your with just my mirror yeah he would just be like holding it and it would be fine like it comes off so easily no about like you're driving past you hit like a yeah a biker or something like yeah i uh or like one of those guys like a lot the homeless people stand in traffic now have you noticed that they used to be on the back what oboes sorry sorry and they're dude they're bit their bandanas on a stick are like always hitting my car when i'm like if you're gonna stand in traffic at least leave the bindle on the median you know what i mean it's called bindle i want us i took a i took a shot no i think that sounds right can't blame me for taking a shot no man if They blamed people for taking a shot.

We'd never have Seth Curry. Oh, my God. You were right. Hey, if you're going to cut. That's, like, it's, like, I was going to stop, man. No, hit it. Hit it. I was going to stop.

It's, like, in, like, Always Sunny, how, like, they find out Charlie speaks, like, perfect Irish. He really doesn't speak English. It's, like, all the stuff with, like, homeless guys. You're, like, the encyclopedia. Oh, my God. oh yeah how are you doing man dude i am good i'm good i uh i'm actually not i'm sick dude i got i have a sore throat i have a really sore throat um do you think we got it together i think either that or we were hitting or we were going way too deep on each other do you think maybe

it's just bruising sorry from when i was like jamming it down your throat this beginning mutual bruising um yeah it's probably just bruising did you hear there was a girl i don't know where i heard this but someone that we know went to the doctor and like the doctor saw how bruised the back of their throat was and was like oh you've been like going the sicko mode that's apparently you're apparently your dentist can tell if you've been giving head i'm not i'm not if mine can't he hasn't said anything yet he doesn't help he can tell by whether his cocks in your mouth he can tell mine can clearly tell but he's not comfortable bringing it up i guess um but so i'm sick and then i hell yeah when when you're sick as you know the first

night's sleep is like we gotta nail this we gotta like get it kind of squared away at two in the morning the loudest noise i've ever heard in my life blaring blaring blaring alarm in my house like freaking the fuck out and it doesn't sound like a fire alarm it's not like coming from the it's not coming from the fire alarm i have like a speaker on my wall that was here when we moved in and it's the same thing that the like faint beeping from the carbon monoxide thing came out of so it must just be like all things alerts come out of this speaker and so i went and stood on the sidewalk for like 45 minutes with uh my other neighbors and the fire department rolled up it the the the urgency with which this alarm was going off it made me think like the building must

actually be on fire and the fire department is just like taking their sweet time and when they got there they were like putting their jackets and helmets on there and i was like whoa like this is not reassured like surely they know that it's not something serious but like i at least need you to like jog in sure ready yeah i agree i agree you gotta show up ready isn't that like the whole thing is like they get ready in like one second i thought that was their i thought they like jump like this is the equivalent of you you were in a nascar race and you pulled over and the pit crew was like let's take a look at those front tires and uh when i was a kid i thought they like jump like into their pants don't they like they like slide down the pole like into their

pants literally yeah it's like a reverse stripper they like come down the pole and get they come out more clothed yeah i think they stack it so they're like shoes and their pants yeah and like their shirt are like all in one so how does like dr seuss clearly they haven't figured out the jacket it's like wallace and gromit it's like what wallace be doing in the morning yeah yeah yeah yeah it kind of has like a back to the future like inventor type that's how like inventors get dressed in my mind yeah jump into your pants oh have you ever seen that video of me jumping jumping into my pants i'm not joking no i jumped into my i jumped into my pants i've seen videos you jumping out of them i jumped into my pants um when i was in like early high school i was like

really dead set on a time yeah we were just talking about this area of you dead set on being able to do this and i fucking nailed it i just need to have you seen those girls on tiktok that are like firefighter method in case he calls me tonight and it's like all of their clothes and their shoes are like set up by the front door and it's like 2 a.m that's so funny dude i i've been seeing a lot of while you're looking i'll just say i've been seeing a lot of burger freak off submissions coming in yeah people are getting good did you have you heard about the controversy though yes yeah people think he froze a burger i mean oh that burger flew man but he posted i didn't even watch it yet but he i saw he posted a second one today i think because of the response

video yeah so i think we got to check that out yeah he's kind of getting canceled right now we should have who is it it's like an is he famous already or like people are just no no There's detodes in the comments eating him alive. Dude, I will say... He's saying he left it out on the counter overnight. Which, I don't know if that's cheating. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. I'm confused. Why would he... He bought it and then wasn't able to go, so it was out on the counter all night, and then he threw it the next morning, so it was a little more stuck together than a fresh hot one would be. We never said it had to be fresh and ready

to eat. We had to say it was a burger. A cheeseburger. I did say it was a vibes thing on whether you were cheating. But if he truly just left it out on the counter overnight on accident, I think that's fair game, but I'm going to do that now. I mean, he said that it was a Wendy's burger, and Wendy's doesn't freeze their burgers, so I don't know. Yeah, they're never frozen.

I don't know how he would have done that. He could still freeze it. But it's a Wendy's burger, so I don't think they can freeze. It's like a science thing. i slacked you the video but it's not yeah it's not that wendy's wants to make sure they're fresh they just for some reason the cows they use can't freeze the unfreezable cow okay so this is this is what i was up to when i was probably 16 15 16 and everyone else i i for you i mean for you yeah this was the sweet spot for you so let's get over no let's see

oh wait pause it for a second i don't like your ope because because here's the deal you want me to how else am i supposed to jump into my shorts if i'm already wearing them you have to say i just caught me off guard i also you'd think i would have started the video already in my boxers for some reason okay all right let's continue that was actually pretty good pretty good right yeah it was pretty you ever jumped into your pants no i don't i honestly don't think i've ever tried those so now i got a new new bucket list item i think like next time i hook up with a girl doing that after when you're

getting dressed into her she's like did you just jump into your pants oh no i put them on one leg at a time like everyone else oh yeah like being like oh yeah i guess sorry i was just making it ready make her seem like or make it seem like you didn't know people were doing it any other way yeah yeah how do you do it you know how like politicians will be like i put my pants on one leg i was about to say that yeah you're like he's like i jump into my pants like everyone else oh the burger freak off too we got to talk about the ucf thing yeah so are they gonna let us do it i heard you said so context ucf football post their like game day hype video we haven't talked about this right andrew this is like we did we did briefly on the

last episode oh oh okay sorry yeah like both of the they used us in like their their hype video before their first game of the season and it kind of it actually got like a lot of a lot of traction a lot of loving a lot of viral uh viral well it kind of went viral on twitter too did you see that really yeah a lot of people were in a good way or a bad way in a good way oh you mean x yeah okay yeah all right um and so then i dm them you forgot like you were you forgot it was called it used to be called twitter yeah it took me a second i dm them i was like what if what can we do the burger freak off at halftime of one of your games this season um they were like we'll see what we can do yeah i think that there is because think about it the the social media team

are probably kids like around senior year to us to our age right somewhere in there yeah and i feel like they probably there are probably only so many games that they have a real celebrity coming that's gonna do you know what i mean like the problem is they only there's only like six games right but i think in orlando like i think we're i think because of epcot we're higher up in the orlando fame rankings than the orlando power rankings i think at least in winter park i think we're like i think we're like it's us and carrot top yeah i'm not joking he like runs past my parents house really yeah okay he's he's he's losing he's we're gaining ground on him every minute let's be real but yeah all right well we'll see i think now i'm now i like the idea

of doing it at halftime so much that i feel like we have to figure out someone who can host some i feel like some school will let us do it like if fresno state run if you're an athletic director for a school or whatever role would have this and you're listening right now hit us up right and we are i want it to be known we're not willing to take freak off out of the title so like correct that is all just yeah yeah that's be ready for that i don't want you to be like yeah you can come to your burger thing and then when it's time to call it the burger freak off you want to call it something else like we are gonna we're gonna call it i mean could you imagine you're at a school you're at a ucf football game which is one of the largest schools in the country so yes

Is it the largest school, or is that Florida State? I think it's technically the largest if you include all their online students. Okay. I'm going to not include them. So you're on the Zoom for the football game, and we'll continue. Oh, yeah. So I'm sorry. I was trying to pull up.

I was looking up how big their stadium is. Okay, it's 45,000 people. It just says massive. Yeah, it's massive. So it's 45,000 people in a state. Imagine you're there with your buddies. You're probably drinking. and the halftime starts and it goes up on the screen it's like the 2026 burger freak off and

it cuts to two white dudes you've never seen before on the field and they just start launching cheeseburgers i think that would be great i think it's great entertainment even if you don't know what's happening i think it's better if you don't know what's happening i think like on the off chance there are a few people that are there that are a little high imagine how funny that would be if you didn't know because here's the deal if you see the burger freak off coming like days in advance it's still funny but you've had time to kind of process it if you had if you were high and you're feeling a little anxious and then the 2026 burger freak off starts yep with 50 000 other people i think i would pee my pants laughing if i had never heard of it

I think it's – I'm like – I don't want to get too excited because I am getting – We're going to be able to do it. We're going to be able to do it. At a bare minimum, we can do it at like a Rollins women's lacrosse game. No, I want it to be at a football game with a million people. What if we do it at like the big house? I think I would – Penn State whiteout.

Like during whiteout. Yeah. We're the only – we're wearing whiteout, but we have ketchup and mustard on our shirts. Oh, chills. Full body – hey, keep them coming though. The deadline's September 30th, right? Yeah. That's a lot of time.

I know, but we're getting more and more. Yeah. I'm imagining the star quarterback tearing his ACL on the field, and the announcer's like, I think he slipped on a burger. He slipped on a mustard packet. Or it's like, yeah, the star quarterback tears his ACL at the end of the first half, and everyone's really sad, and then they're like, all right, now the burger freak-off.

There's someone in the control room like, can it, can it. there's like a dog pile and one of the players gets up and he has like a burger like in his eye oh my god why is this here oh i fucking hate this school oh my god the one the one thing i was noticing though the guy who threw it really far he like rolled it yeah i mean here's the deal you're like studying phil dude we're in i am i haven't done we're in like the era we're in the era of like like the long the way to do it hasn't been discovered yet it's like when the high jump people were still jumping forwards like someone's gonna figure it out and there's gonna be like a uniform way to chuck a burger right now it's the fucking

wild west it's kind of beautiful like the way it's innovating in front of us that's why i'm like i'm reluctant to put too many rules on it right now because i'm like we don't even know what the options i think like like freezing it to me just feels like good preparation it's like putting your baseball mitt on here wait no no i don't think you can freeze it oh okay it's gonna be hot but then it's like how like how what if there's an what if you have like an away game and you have to travel with your burgers like in the future like they always have to be hot and fresh what if there's not the restaurant you got to get a burger because dude if you if you if you freeze the burger it's basically just who can throw the farthest you can't freeze the burger you

definitely can't freeze the burger room temperature leaving out overnight okay gray area so it has this one it can be it can be no colder than your environment so like yeah yeah yeah if if like maybe in 20 years the burger freak off becomes a winter sport then it's like maybe they are frozen we the the school that reaches out is like the university of saskatchewan people are like hitting people in the stands the field the field is frozen too so it's like everyone it's just however long the field is oh do you know what would be great to do is boise state i feel like it would stand out way more there well what's the opposite of what's the opposite color of brown blue gotta be gotta

be boise state blue right yeah no i think white yeah does anyone have a white field we gotta do it at like a snow game um the masters usually pretty good pretty pretty good uh what about compacting it can you like no no no no one guy oh oh oh as long i think as long as it maintains the burger shape because he had it squeezed down but then it's like then it's like are we gonna get people like kind of rolling it in and maybe getting it like more into like a ball i think like it's the purest way to do it is right out of the package chuck it that way the way it comes out of the wrapper i kind of think that is what it has to be because then it's it's that now we're just in like an engineering contest yeah it needs to be maybe they could do like a separate

category where it's like where they have the other game like the olympics where they let people do steroids or whatever yeah well well yeah i mean we're gonna have a burger freak off in the enhanced games next year yeah and there you can fucking crumple it you can shove it up your ass whatever you want the gym the burger can be it's filled with helium oh man do you think anyone's ever uh anyone's ever tried to fill a football with helium like in a game and not gotten caught i mean i feel like if they did it would not get caught would it even have would it have any effect on the ball probably no if you filled it with helium wouldn't it float

I don't think I think the football is too heavy the weather is like heavy could you imagine and he goes deep and he launches the pass oh ha ha just goes wow it goes

he like misses the snap and it just like floats out of reach fuck what are the odds of that oh my god oh dude did you see it oh no hit me i was going to talk about it we had a viral weekend in montauk yeah yes what were you gonna say um no no no no we had a great time in montauk together we were there with white claw i was gonna tell you about the that guy from the last

night oh my god yeah so i left i left the bar a little early and apparently missed like an all-time guy i mean all-time like bad guy i was with like when you said i missed an all-time guy i was like fuck and then you explained it and i was like thank the lord i told you not to not to derail this story but before i forget i went home and i ate a cheeseburger yeah from a drive-in in montauk and it was like it was you know how like jerry west is the logo for the nba yeah this was like the burger this was the most burger burger of all time like i think when we do create the logo for the freak off we should use the silhouette of it looked like a crabby patty it was perfect yeah it was it was also very tasty i don't think it would have gone very far though but we'll talk

about it oh yeah sounds like a thick bun i mean if i'm picturing it was it was it was not a thick bun but it was a soft fluffy bun like that like wonder bread bun and the the um patty was more rounded than like flat circle if that makes sense like it was almost a meatball we'll talk about it like it was just but yeah we'll talk we don't have to talk about it later i mean we can i guess uh anyway we basically i it's unclear but there might have been a gun involved because we were trying to get into this other bar and like everything was like fucked i guess because it was like labor day or whatever um and i was with like we had a big pretty big i was like angus and elise and so a couple of other our buddies and we couldn't get into this place and

we're like all right we're gonna go to this other bar and as we're walking out this guy who was like also trying to get in next to us he was like oh i'm actually i'm not i don't drink i'm driving there if you want i can give you guys a ride and we were stupid enough to be like all right i mean there were six of us and one of him so it was like a little bit like what's the worst thing that's gonna happen um we've got the numbers by you'd feel like such an idiot if if if he did kick all six of your asses like you're laying on the ground you're like come on guys what we couldn't have we couldn't have worked a little more as a unit there and it was like five bucks And he was like, or five minutes away.

And he was like, what was the Uber going to charge you? I was like, 50 bucks. I just made it, but I'm already like 50 bucks. He was like, I'll do it for 25. I was like, all right. That's probably a better deal. Also, the company's paying for it, right? Yeah, why wouldn't you just?

Yeah. Yeah, but it was hard. No, I think it was hard to get Ubers. Okay. From the bar that I left you at? Oh, I see. From, no, we had already gone to a different bar. We've been to, like, two different bars at this point.

And anyway, long story short, get in the car with this. Immediately, we're all like, this is a mistake. We're not saying it out loud. He's like, it's not a mistake. I'm not going to do anything to you guys. We're like, this is a fucking mistake, isn't it? And then he's like, all right, we're just going to make one stop. And he stops at this, like, random hotel.

And this, like, Eastern European girl walks out and gets in the car. And we're all like, oh, it doesn't say anything. We just start driving again. And we're like, hey, hello. okay this is fucking how low you're like oh god fuck what is going on here he takes us to the next place where he he was like oh i'll take you there this was the thing he was like i can get you in i know the people there i promise i'll get you in and so he tries to get us in and then the guy the door guy's like okay yeah a thousand dollars ahead i'm like what do you mean what a thousand

dollars or head yeah oh i guess i totally misheard him i guess i'll go a thousand gotta go a thousand dollars right i can't um yeah so i gave him a head no so we were like all right this is fucking stupid whatever and i was like wait what whatever were you going to like the fucking white house where what bar some nightclub i don't yeah was it bounce yeah i think yeah yeah i think it was because that's the place above the place we had dinner yeah yeah i uh i had a fucking weird time there the previous the uh the night before that okay well i honestly i don't know this has anything to do with the place it was definitely just this guy over promising yes so i'm like a thousand dollars what were you you can't just go into the bar no i mean i guess i mean it was

like labor sunday of labor day weekend right it was just too full yeah like i think the guy was like no and then just said like a ridiculously high number got it got it okay um and then i was like there he was like i had made him probably i was like if i don't believe that you can get us in but if you can't just we just taste this this like dive bar that we can definitely get in the one that we had been at yeah it's like drop us back off there and he was like sure and so then he's like i'll take you guys to the dive bar like i'll hold up my end of the bar i was like i i'm actually i'm good on this this guy i'm just gonna go home and so me and joey were like we're just going home and he I guess took the rest of the crew to that bar and I had said I would

sell him and I was on my phone I was on the phone and I hadn't zelled him yet but it had been like 10 minutes like I was still going to sell him $30 or whatever and he pulled back up he like drove like he went and dropped them off came back and parked right in front of us he's like hey where's my fucking Zell I was like oh sorry I'm on the phone right now i will sell you in a second and uh ended up yeah i opened cell and did it right in front of him and he's like and once he got the cell he drove away and i was like jeez that's kind of weird that he came back and joey was like yeah i didn't want to say anything but while you were like on your phone there he went to his trunk grabbed something came down and like slapped it

on the hood of his car while staring at you and could have been like a dildo yeah it could have been a dildo but i think that almost i'd read i'd be more threatened oh my god yeah if he pulled out like a like one of those like tentacle dildos that chet has and slapped it on the on the hood of the car one of the ones that chet has i phrased that poorly like the ones that chet got for that uh motor bunny deal yeah yeah chester collins he went joey said he thinks he went to his car grabbed a uh gun gun and came back and like slapped it on the hood to like intimidate me into paying 30 he like did 30 dollars worth of damage to the hood of his car yeah now i now you gotta pay it because i did the damage already you're like i you don't you don't understand i'm breaking

even here now oh oh i'll do 60 i don't give a fuck starts shooting his car starts shooting his engine yeah yeah so that was that was kind of scary yeah i'm sorry you had to deal with that i think i got out of there at the correct time 100 i asked her if he would take me to dinner and he said no and i said i'm gonna tell my uber driver to drive off a cliff if you don't and he goes okay and then i and then i sent him i was trying to send him a i was just laughing at i got like two notifications and one was a text from herb being like okay whatever man and then the other one was the white claw account saying wyd did you did that did you see that what what was that i was just like i think the person the girl that i was talking to at the bar that works for

white claw like i think thought she was on her personal and was just on the white claw account and was like trying to see what bar we were at and uh and so i was like talking to the account like it was a normal person but then at some point i was like i have to who is this because like what if it's not the person and so i was like set can you send a selfie i to refresh my memory and it was it was just the person from the bar that is very funny uh i have my fantasy football draft tonight too oh i had mine last night how'd it go so i get i it started at seven o'clock and my bus got into maine at 650 oh god and so i was like i just gotta remember to start right when i get here and i get home and my dad got this new corn on the cob yeah and it was

the best corn on the cob I've ever had in my life. Is it in tinfoil? Did he hand it to you in tinfoil? No, he handed it to me on a plate. And, uh, What's new about it? Oh, he just got it. Oh, like, it's

hot off the cob. Hot off the shuck? Stock. Stock. Hot off the stock. Seriously, he was like, yeah, I went and they were like, they had just got this shipment in. So it was like, this thing had been on a stock yesterday morning. this thing was this thing was protected farmer's market and okay and he said that when he went to

get it she was like i need help lifting these boxes if you help me lift this big box of corn i'll give you free corn that's how that's just like main economics it's like very rarely is there any money exchanging hands it's more like if you can lift it it's yours if you can exactly if you can put it in your truck and just get it off my land it's it's yours so this corn on the cob was unbelievable i had three cobs of it and then i go jesus fuck i know it was fucking awesome that's like when there's a graphic that's like how much of a food you can eat before it kills you and it's like a thousand bananas i think like three corns of cob i mean three cobs of corn i think you're safe but anyway then i realized oh fuck it's 7 45 and so i'd missed my first

they had started late so i missed my first three picks but i drafted the last like 12 so i think my team's decent i feel like i only really can make any educated decisions with the first three picks and then the final 12 i'm like yeah this guy's no but i feel like the first guy seems like you take who's there and then yeah you're rarely you're rarely deviating from like the highest ranked yeah player so did i did i tell you about the fantasy football punishment debacle that my friend fucking peyton miller wasn't doing his thing he fine yeah yeah we were like hot dogs because i had punishment too and it's also hot we had to alter it because he just was like i cannot do it we were like negotiating with him i felt like a fucking idiot but we landed on uh we landed

on he had to do a sidewalk slammer and then eat a butter dog and then run a 5k and then shotgun a beer and then have a hot dog and if he did it in under 28 minutes his buy-in doesn't change but for every like 10 minutes longer it took him it went up like 100 bucks and so i think his buy-ins like 28 minutes dude it's because this was like fast he's fast but uh or he used to be fast he ended up walking it because he was like after the butter dog in the 40 i like he's like i just couldn't run but the reason it was so harsh is because he wasn't due we wanted it to be like impossible because he didn't do the hot dogs thing the hot dogs thing was he had to eat 50 hot dogs before he could eat anything else so he could just have three a day for however many days or you know

you know just we were like banging out in one weekend yeah and just like only how many hot dogs what was the number 50 oh which sucks it totally sucks and he couldn't eat anything in between he couldn't eat anything in between but we were like just have like 20 on saturday and like 20 on i guess now that i'm saying this out loud it does sound pretty brutal but it was his idea that's why we were so mad is he was the one that came up with the punishment and then didn't do it and it was like yeah that's it is a harsh one and if someone else came up with it then whatever but uh we did so our commissioner yesterday sent like a we put a wheel of all the punishment ideas and then we do process of elimination and the one that one like no one knew

what it meant it just said beans puzzle in the dark and we were like oh i've seen that beans puzzle in the dark yeah i know beans puzzle in the dark what does it mean it's it's you can buy a puzzle online that's just like a oh so it all looks the same nightmare you have to do it in the dark yeah but uh okay so that makes sense but we were like what and so he sent like a hey guys should we should we re-spin i feel like i feel like this one doesn't really he was like whose fucking idea was this uh and then the other one was you have to apparently one of them was you have to take a life insurance policy out on me but i don't i was like i don't even get with that is that an insult is that a compliment is that yeah i don't get that i don't actually

that's not clicking is it just like like it would just be just like annoying to have just be like hard to do i guess impossible to do maybe your rates are just really high yeah yeah right oh yeah yeah uh yeah i don't because what can you take hot dogs oh in one sitting in an hour on instagram live that's but i'm like this is a different punishment for any like i'm the only one who this is bad people are going to tune into this instagram right yeah they're going to be like thousands of people watching but then but they're i said that and they're like yeah but you're the one who in theory could be like making money off of it in the big picture of things it's like content so that's a good point that's a good point i need some galaxies or roses we had a

punishment year where you had to do like hot ones on instagram live oh god okay i mean my buddy didn't have like an instagram following or anything but like his grandma would join oh she'd be like love you baby hope you're doing well meanwhile he's like crying eating like atomic wings that's awesome so it's almost worse yeah i think i'm gonna do it this week i um yeah i don't know are you are there are what's your strategy here are you gonna do like just as quickly as possible i guess i don't really know what happens if you can't do it in an hour an hour is fucking hard a hard amount of time to do that and i think i think No, I think it'll be okay.

Earl did it in 20 minutes. Who's Earl? Oh, my buddy. Oh, this is like the punishment every year? Yeah, well, we had to kind of like dumb it down because it used to be like, in high school it was like the winner would shave the loser's head however he wanted. And that was really funny.

But then we had enough kids pussy out that it was like, all right, well, it can't be like an every third year it actually happens. We had some all-time shaved heads. What did they do with it? Like, I don't even know what I would do. I think I'd do, like, maybe the Avatar arrow on your head. I think that would be kind of swaggy. For my one buddy, he was like, they shaved everything but one little tuft in the middle.

How long does he have to keep it that way? You have to go to school the next day with it. So that, just for one day of high school. I remember going to church one day, and it was, like, playoffs for the football team. and all the freshmen that went to our church came in with like just like humiliating hair like they weren't they weren't cool they weren't even really funny it was just like they'd come in looking like a like a like a monk or like a frayer fryer fryer in church they were like oh nice nice cut nice lid yeah and then but like one guy came in was just like it was just like a tuft on this side which

like the tuft on top at least it's like centered this was just like it looked like he got hit by like a cartoon nuke um yeah that one was funny but that the thing about those is like it's funnier when you're all together yeah that's the payoff is the irl thing with these that's why it's like the instagram thing is it's at least it's like none of us live in the same city even yeah that's the problem with the punishments is it's like i'm watching videos of peyton do this in atlanta but i'm not really getting that as much satisfaction out of it as i would have thought i like the one i want to do the one where uh you drop the loser off like four miles away from a bar and everyone else is at the bar and we have his credit card and we you can drink on his tab until

he can run to the bar yeah i think it just has to be like you actually have to finish your drink before you get a new one it's and i believe it's no shots but i think i think you could do like hundreds i mean how long does it take how long would it take me to run four miles an hour five minutes oh okay 30 minutes i mean if you're booking it i'm gonna say i'm gonna give myself 10 minutes i don't think i'd be able to do it without stopping i think i'd have to stop and walk for a second i'm not yeah i don't do well with running you definitely i think 35 you could do um i still gotta do my guinness punishment i've been practicing wait did everyone you guys both lost your leagues yeah yeah were you like not trying i feel like the only people that lose

the league is there's like one guy who like forgets he's in offense it was that it was two years ago i they couldn't think of like because we just changed the punishment so i'm overdue but yeah got it i mean i forgot i'm in a six-man league so it's like the odds are high and you can't like really draft for a six-man league you know you're kind of you're in a six-man league yeah yeah and so uh we got to get you more buddies well we've just been tight for so long that we like know if we add anyone it's going to be awkward you know should we go on a six-man Yeah, I would love that. I lived in a six-man.

What? That's what they, that was like a type of dorm at BC. A six-man? Yeah, we had eight-mans, six-mans. Oh, my God. Oh, then an eight-man sophomore year, and then a six-man. Yeah, I, wait, why were your dorms like so big? I don't know.

It was kind of fun, though. Like the sophomore year, you lived in an eight-man, so it was like eight guys, and you had like one living room oh but you all had your own bedrooms yeah yeah we would have two there are four two-person bedrooms got it okay um that's better i pictured like a fucking that's that prison in el salvador that there are like 90 guys just on like sheetless bunks we had our own our own bedrooms and uh and then one big common room and it was pretty fun but it was they were gross there were rats or mice mouses there were mouses my sophomore year we had mouses can you see me yeah what am i doing right now the pussy thing obviously the pussy licking thing

obviously i literally could have that doesn't even mean you even if even if even if i couldn't see you i would be a 1000 be able to guess that it doesn't prove anything chester started like a fucking revolution we're like that was not an okay thing to do like two years ago that would be like you'd be ostracized from yeah work social anything if you were doing the like eating pussy gesture and then now it's now it's like how i you'd be ostracized willie does it to the women in our office dude i do it it's like it's not on purpose it's like shalom like i'll do it to like It's basically like, how was your weekend? Guys, this episode is brought to you by Bearbells.

Guys, protein bars used to freaking suck. They used to taste like a handful of chalk. Handful of cardboard chalk. Until now. Now we have Bearbells, motherfreaker. I love them. They're the number one protein bar in the U.S. Bear Bells makes protein bars with 20 grams of protein and no added sugar that tastes as good as a candy bar.

Their bars strike the perfect balance between flavor, texture, and function, I might add. Can I say something? You think I did this by myself? No. Bear Bells did that. Guys, you can get them today. They're available at retailers like Target, Walmart, Vitamin Shop, and GNC. They've got flavors like cookies and cream, chocolate dough, cookies and caramel, peanut butter, and many, many more.

So please, guys, I really want you to know. I really want you to try. Please. If you haven't tried Bear Bells yet, go to bearbells.com to shop the full lineup and use code PLAYDATE for 15% off your order. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, if you could wake up tomorrow and be better at one thing, what would it be? Because I know what it would be for me, okay? If I could wake up tomorrow and be a little bit better at just getting my mornings going,

that's my thing. I want to just get better at my morning routine and kind of get into a better rhythm. Well, better is a feeling, okay? It's defined by you. And for better help, it's a better help therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress, okay?

And it's getting better at that morning routine. sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com slash pd that's better h-e-l-p.com slash pd let's get back in the episode if you're gonna hit the donut king you better kill the donut king oh my god wait can i can i tell you guys a thing that i learned today on instagram so take it with a grain of salt but i watched a video of it happening if you had to guess You take a Nutella jar You take a Nutella jar And you start adding weight to the top of it

How much weight do you think A Nutella jar can hold If you had to guess 200 pounds 201 pounds Dude I watched this guy stack 1910 pounds of metal

And himself on top of a Nutella jar before it broke how's that impossible how much did he weigh it's hard to say it's hard to say negative a thousand pounds wait how no i don't even understand how is he stacking it so are we can watch the video if you want it's kind of it would probably be pretty boring for the listeners but boring it's a nutella jar on the ground he's putting like sheets of metal on it so like you know half inch thick squares of like steel on top of it and he like stack stack stack and it goes up like pretty fucking high and then he clearly runs out of metal and so he stands on it and then it breaks did he freeze the steel or did he leave it on the counter overnight it's a

good question it's a good question i don't know i almost are you gonna freeze your eggs uh i'm gonna i was thinking about this the other day i don't see a world in the next like 15 years where i would feel comfortable having a child so you should freeze your eggs can men freeze their sperm or is it good at room temperature it's like super resilient like could i just have a cup of it on my counter like like to catch fruit flies in and then like when i'm done when i'm done with that i can put it injected in a woman no it's like you got to do like what they do in jurassic park you gotta get a mosquito to suck it up and then put it in amber i saw a bug that got caught in amber it was like fossilized bug and it had a little

ball of gas in its body and this guy was like this is like like think about this archaeologist like think about how crazy this is like when you move this this ball of gas is probably like millions of years old and i opened the comments hoping to maybe see some other people excited about this all bug fart jokes i was like it is we have gotten we have gotten to the point where that is that 20 years ago that would have been like on fucking cnn what's a bug fart joke it was just like imagine you were like imagine how long he'd been holding that um it probably that probably fucking reeks too oh my god bug million year old bug fart that's like a high school a juice that's like the that's a snack that the weird kid would have in

his lunchbox what do you got there a million year old bug fart why is that where did you what store is your mom shopping at yeah the type of shit the type of shit when your mom and when your mom don't let you buy lunch and you open your lunchbox to see what million dollar bug fart whenever it's pizza day and everyone bought pizza did you have dr seuss did you guys do like green eggs and ham at school on dr seuss day no you're green eggs we'd like go to lunch and they would have like dyed oh eggs green no one got it because it was like that looks fucking disgusting yeah i was gonna say did people eat it i remember wait what if dr seuss food what they got like the lorax burger um the

hmm okay wait we can do this uh now no we can't no we can't redfish swordfish cat in the hat mint julep okay that's pretty good pretty good pretty damn good um the all the places you'll eat that's pretty good that's actually really good do you think that the crudes is that that's not dr cheese right some sort of crudes pizza could that work for this who the hell what are the crudes who are the crudes as well sorry who are the crudes they're a family they're prehistoric family okay um the andrew pull up dr seuss books pull up the crudes pizza okay the uh look up the crudes pizza no wait you just go to go to all books yeah i can see it yeah type in the crudes

C-R-O-D-S. We'll do it later. I know how to spell the Croods. Oh, green eggs and ham still works. Oh, how the Grinch stole pizza. People say that Willie looks like the Croods baby. I don't look like the Croods baby. Pull up the Croods. I don't even know who these

Who are these fucking guys? I don't look like the Croods baby. Oh my god. You look like the Croods baby. I don't look like the Croods baby. Stop that shit. go to the like family photo i don't like i don't like this joke i don't look like the baby from the crew you kind of do

i don't look like go to that third photo go to that third photo yeah it's like a spitting image that's not i don't look like the crude's baby can someone i mean dude you are it's like looking in the fucking mirror i'm that's not even all right that one kind of does look like me which one do i look like you look like you look like your ass is like homer simpson is there a train going by your house oh yeah sorry there's a train going by where is the train track dude it's right by my house this is i've been doing this my whole life wait i've never seen this train track it's a it's the ant track it's the down easter is it between you and the beach no no it's behind us oh it's like right on the other side of

east grand ave but yeah it's it that's like a i remember that like it's like part of like coming up here when i was a kid it's like you'd wake up at night and hear the train yeah i actually i like it as long as they don't honk i think every time at night it's right by the city center so you hear the god i like the peaceful like yeah yeah but not the honking hunking does not we used to go put um pennies on the track isn't that like super dangerous you can like derail the whole thing that's we've talked about this before no it can't derail it's a penny i think they say that because they don't want kids running and putting shit on the tracks when trains are coming i think it's dangerous because you're on the tracks right before a train

comes does it flatten the penny what does it do yeah it does yeah it totally it like flattens it it's like a new it's like almost looks like when you one of those like weird ass cranky yeah yeah oh my god bro that was that was what they called me in high school the crank they were like he's doing this at a pace that no one else can do it what can you google if they did what'd you say they used to call me the croods baby can you pull up can a penny derail a train i think and then look up the croods pizza i am going to jump through that camera and you can't touch me bro i'm on your turf too i i can get to your family way quicker than you could uh no a single penny cannot derail a train a typical freight train weighs hundreds of tons a penny

only weighs about two and a half grams oh it could shoot out yeah that's fucked can a rock can a rock derail a train um i don't know i know they can hijack a plane uh small rocks cannot derail a train but large boulders rock slides a pebble cannot but a large boulder on the tracks probably could yeah i fucking well in your defense rocks are sort of a it can be a lot of things have you ever seen or in their large boulder in the shape of a small boulder no it's like a tweet some like police department was like hey just so you guys know there's a large boulder in the shape of a small boulder on the road blocking traffic and people are like

just say small yeah they're like what or large boulder yeah or like was it like a depth perception thing like it looks like a small boulder so you think it's just like a tiny rock i i really don't know far away yeah there's a large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking eastbound lane highway please use caution and watch for emergency vehicles that's kind of awesome i kind of know what they mean though large boulder the size of a small boulder like it's like the shape they should have said shape like how would that change anything it's like the shape of a pebble like usually a big boulder is like shape less round i feel like no that's that's what i imagine a boulder to look like yeah what a fucking hilarious obstacle like the fact that some cartoon

ass shit yeah like there's a bold i that's like yeah that's how like family guy characters are late for work is there was a bull or flintstones flintstones is that something um i think it's the croods it's sort of a copy of the croods but the baby's not nearly as hot the croods pizza what if it exists we got oh i keep knocking shit over wait it does exist what there's no crude's pizza go back no go over to the right go to the right over over one more bingo that's the crude's pizza yeah what's pizza eve look at what is this just that's the crude's pizza man calling the day before you eat pizza pizza eve seems pretty awesome can you go back to all i believe i saw like a crude pizza yeah feast your eyes on the first pizza well he sells pizza in the movie

what in the dawn of the crude ugha crude runs a prehistoric meat-based pizza business am i getting pranked right does this movie exist or are you in dawn of the crudes they make pizza oh yeah wait what is what is the crudes it's like the crudes are who are the crudes is how you'd ask that question because they're people who are they where like where how have i missed this seems like everyone knows about this movie except i love the croods yeah the croods are good yeah yeah but you guys still haven't told me what it is dude they're not what it is it's who are they the movie the fucking movie when did it come out who was watching it what is it about It came out in 2012, and everyone was watching except you, apparently.

Oh, it's old. Yeah. Ah. Well, the original is Dawn of the Croods is obviously newer. Yeah, and then there's Croods 2, which is kind of like the thing itself. I think they might be working on Croods 3. Am I getting Croods? Did you guys create a fake Google engine?

No. No. How did I miss it? The Croods? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. they were it was definitely sort of a i mean they were ahead of their time yeah i would say they were reserved to sort of like academics and intellectuals for a while i kind of look like that one i kind of look like grug crude and i look like the middle one the middle one the middle one

no the middle one the one that's the only one that's like in the middle the no the only one that's a guy the only picture on this screen that is one guy you're gonna make me kill myself you like i've never seen at you oh my god this guy yes obviously grub you kind of look like grug crude that sounds like one of mitt romney's kids yeah grug crude newt gingrich dude newt gingrich is literally they're like why are you never meet guys like that in real life with fucking crazy names like that but for some but not like newt gingrich like if i if i told you story and i was like and then newt that is one of the greatest names of all time and then newt gingrich pulled up you would be like bulls fucking shit that is the best that might be the

best name newt gingrich yeah do you think he'd be as he did would have made it as far in politics if he didn't have such a crazy name further like if his name was like tim it definitely probably helped him stand out yeah newt gingrich i mean newt wasn't his birth name but that was like his nickname everyone called him newt why i don't know i think we're i think like in the olden days people had like way more like i think now that everything is like uh you know all like the internet like we all have sort of like a shared conscious we can all communicate with each other we know that name's so stupid that we would never name our kid that but wherever he was growing up they only knew like 10 people so they were like i guess newt could be a name i you look like the

crude uncle man my like my grandma and all her friends have names that like aren't their names yeah yeah say my dad's whole all of us sit like my aunt dini up here does yeah so they just weren't born that it doesn't make our name her name's kathleen but we everyone calls her dini everyone calls my grandma punky and we're like your name's martha yeah my dad's two sisters were or two of his sisters were dini and chach that's real is that like a cooter thing yes yeah i think i mean that is it sounds like it my dad's sister's chachki and beaver no my dad's my dad's sister's pussy and butthole watch it my dad's brother you have fucking

you have to meet my brother pube oh man uh i had a question for you guys yeah um so i was at a bachelor party this weekend whoa and it was very very fun did your was your hernia an issue at all um this was not vegas though uh this was not vegas oh this is a different hernia yeah yeah different uh same hernia different location okay yes where were you this um i was in scottsdale arizona this weekend um and we had quite the conundrum okay this weekend and i'm i'm kind of curious to hear your guys okay i love it i'm excited so uh we went out to a bar and there were two guys and one guy wanted to go back home with this girl who invited him back to her place and our other friend said that's really selfish this whole weekend is about the bachelor you can't just

like go off and leave and have sex with this other girl you know when we're supposed to be like all together celebrating our friend right yeah so he was like you know what you're right i am being selfish i'll come back to the airbnb with you guys we get back to the airbnb and the guy says hey i just want to let you know i didn't think you were being selfish at all i just really wanted to bang that girl and i was mad that she wanted to bang you instead that guy's that guy's that guy's a that guy's a bad guy the asshole that guy's a terrorist um but i am curious like what is your guy's opinion like at a bachelor party are you allowed to go home with a girl yeah i think how many how long is the bachelor party it was four days

oh my god you went out three nights yeah and there how many people there was probably about 10 of us oh man yeah as long as like multiple guys aren't doing it like you can't like five you can't break off and go hang out with five girls but like one guy disappearing yeah yeah i uh i don't know if bachelor party are the same but i think like like if you just think of it as a trip would it be normal to do that yes well yeah but bachelor party is no i know but i'm just i'm trying to like work my way through it mentally i think you can't you're not supposed to see her more than once okay yeah i agree i agree it can't be like a recurring like don't i think you should yeah like you can't be like i have dinner with that girl tonight like the next

day the next day you know what i mean like yeah yeah if you want to go home definitely maybe you don't even sleep over at hers maybe you're just maybe you're back at the at the airbnb like later in the night um i think the guy who guilted him into like not going and then being like i didn't actually care that guy we need to keep an eye on well he did care that was the problem but he did he didn't care he didn't care for the reason he had presented it i see yeah yeah yeah he yeah that guy definitely that's a weird that's a weird move i think i agree with that i was curious about that Because I do remember for my brother's bachelor party, one guy went off and spent the night at a girl's place and I didn't really like him for it.

I'll be honest. I thought it was kind of selfish, but I wasn't going to also say, no, you can't go home with her at the same time. I did that on a boy's trip and I did. I was curious if that was weird. Yeah. If that was like a bad guy move. I slept at this person's house two nights.

Out of how many days? it was i made like four okay yeah but that wasn't a bachelor party it wasn't a bachelor party it's more just like ah like that's a like your buddy's probably like oh it sucks i was kind of curious about that when i was in vegas because vegas was just like a purely vegas i think is a free-for-all because it's like there are yeah vegas you can do whatever you want but scott still i think it's like the entertainment there is each other yeah well i always tell people like when i go on these boys trips like we don't really like talk to girls at the bars because we only see each other once a year like this is like an annual thing that like

the point is to like spend time with each other right that like at one bar this guy came over and was like hey my my friend really wants to talk to you and i was kind of like this weekend's kind of about the boy you're like i know i know that i look like a pussy hound and i would love to break her off a piece any other weekend but i'm with my boys this is the one weekend a year i'd like to break her off a square of this white chocolate but here's a question the guy who went home with the girl or didn't didn't but could have does he is he like doing that a lot that's a good that's a great question because if this was like he's not a guy it's like go go yeah yeah yeah that's a great question andrew how often is he he's fresh off of a breakup oh that guy who

told him not to is a fucking prick and i think that i think he should that guy should have to pay some sort of like penance yeah like maybe he has to like i think he needs to send him a thousand dollars a thousand dollars really five hundred dollars maybe i i will send him this clip yeah off of a breakup he wanted to break off he wanted to he wanted to go home with this lady and this guy fucking tricked him into not going home with him i think this guy needs to like something crazy all right guys are you one of those for little freaks out there who loves coffee the taste the smell the whole ritual but the caffeine sends you straight into an anxiety spiral because me too me too uh you know i'm i'm always into going to a coffee shop and trying maybe a new

fun seasonal drink but i'll have one cup and suddenly my heart is going a million freaking miles an hour and my brain is saying let me out of this head uh that's why i love mud water same morning ritual coffee chai or matcha but with functional mushrooms and adaptogens instead of a full caffeine hit i'm talking steady energy with no spot roll uh right now i'm into their original blend it's kind of a cacao chai turmeric functional mushroom vibe like a like a spicy hot cocoa warm grounding and actually satisfying um so guys if you're a coffee shop lover who just isn't into the full caffeine load anymore mud water is the version of your morning drink you didn't know existed because loving coffee shouldn't mean negotiating with it every morning

guys mud water is a coffee alternative made with mushrooms and adaptogens it's about one seventh the caffeine of coffee so you get the focus and the energy without the jitters the crash or the anxiety they got four flavors og coffee matcha and turmeric so whatever of those fits your vibe there's something for you og is where most people start though because it's like chocolate and chai had a very healthy baby so if you're ready to make the switch to cleaner energy go to mudwater.com slash playdate and grab the starter kit use code playdate and you'll get 43 off the frother alone makes it worth it that's right up to 43 off with code playdate at nudwtr.com after you purchase The Last Cutty Fandom.

Please support your show, our show, and let them know we sent you. Guys, do you ever need a nicotine pouch every like 15 minutes just to feel normal? How many pouches do you need per day to stop yourself from crashing or feeling nicotine withdrawal? For you, do they give you anxiety

or make you feel on edge? Well, if these are anything, if any of these things are things that you're experiencing, Ultra Pouches are for you. These are an instant energy. these are instant energy in a pouch I've been seeing them everywhere

I've been getting really into basketball lately and all the fellows down at the court are using them out there and they're just flying around the court I'm serious guys Ultra Energy pouches still contain caffeine to give you that lift but the real difference comes from the other ingredients alright

we got the caffeine for a clean instant energy boost we also got L-theanine it smooths out the energy and curbs the crash vitamin B3 turns carbs, fat, and protein into brain fuel vitamins b6 and b12 for balanced mood and recovery and when you combine all of those ingredients you'll get a compounding energy effect so unlike nicotine that might only help for 10 to 15 mitches minutes mitches like what am i saying ultra energy pouches deliver instant energy that

lasts for 30 to 60 minutes plus they're packed with the nootropics that feed your brain and rebuild your natural ability to kick ass and take names guys ultra is used by dac prescott joe burrow and over 100 other professional football players. They are the ultimate guilt-free pouch, delivering instant energy, mental clarity, and boosted mood without nicotine, sugar, or calories. New customers can use code PLAYDATE to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com.

That's TakeUltra.com for 15% off with code PLAYDATE. After you purchase, they will ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that our show sent you. Let's get back into the episode. dude can we talk about the fucking aftermath of eating a pizookie i want to i want all the two bites so i was safe i want all the playmates out there to know because you watched us eat them last week and we were having the time of our lives i went home and i was texting andrew that i was putting the poo in pizookie those things those things literally i was like worried my intestines

were going to come out with it like they were yeah you were sending me a play-by-play dude those things were no joke yeah i yeah that was the first time i've had like holy fuck diarrhea in like in like 10 years i don't know if that was like fully from the pizookie because you said it was spicy at one point and i was like there was just no way that's from the spicy out of my butthole i can't i can't taste if it's like from you didn't have anything else spicy that day you didn't have like a chick-fil-a spicy chicken sandwich or something no i mean wait well i I thought, is that why food poop stings on the way out is because it was spicy on the way in? A hundred percent, right?

I think it's because it's acidic. Yeah, I thought it was like. Well, there was no acid in any of the pizooki. Dude, that pizooki came out literally, like, I'm sure it didn't come out as pee. It was like, it was fully liquid. Do pizookis come out as poop or pee, Willie? I didn't eat enough to find out. I knew what was at stake.

Imagine peeing out your pizookie and a chocolate chip comes out. Like, I knew it. I knew they were pee. You have to remember, my friends and I used to get a whole dinner table. Were you holed up in the bathroom for the rest of the night? I don't remember being holed up. We would just go to homecoming afterwards. If I went to homecoming afterwards.

We'd always just go to homecoming. We'd go find a homecoming. Yeah. It was definitely more the ice cream than the pizookie, but. What is homecoming? Did you not have one at Academic Magnet? No, we did. I'm just saying, like, what isn't, is that supposed to be, like, the alumni comeback?

I think in college that is what that is, but homecoming, I believe, is the final, is the final home game of the year for football. Wait, wait, you guys didn't have homecoming? We did. I'm just saying what that word means. Oh, no, it's for alumni, 100%. high school alumni yeah yeah but like whoa the dance is like who the fuck oh my god yeah wait like in texas does like did the did the alumni go and like grind dude i wish that would be oh my god um no i think that would be like really illegal oh god i thought you meant you wished

like when you were a high schooler you totally meant it now you sick no no i know i meant when i was sick fuck i thought you were like i thought you were doing like uh yeah there would be some milfs there joke you were doing like you wanted to go especially after this bachelor party trip you're you're all riled up and you wanted to go well i always helped with like our dance team every year oh okay oh yeah sometimes the like hot alumni would come back and i was like you guys should come to the dance with us what did you help the dance team with i was like their bodyguard at the football game you'd like stretch them out you were their bodyguard yeah yeah yeah and so like Did they need a lot of protecting?

I'm picturing, like, get her, she's trying to get Jarvis. Well, it was weird because, like, middle schoolers would, like, catcall them, and that was not something I was, like, prepared for at all. Yeah. I was like, well, I don't think I'm getting paid enough for this. Did you – you were the bodyguard for the cheerleaders for the high school dance team? For the dancing, not the cheerleaders. There's a big difference, okay?

Why did they need a bodyguard? How often were people trying to, like, get at them? apparently they had a lot of incidents before like i came along so i i think i really cleaned up the program you were like the pimp of the dance team you were like you like took a cut you took a cut in exchange for like protection and no i didn't get paid either it was like voluntary but so what were you getting out of this man i just said something to the fact that i don't get paid enough for that yeah i know because i didn't get paid at all did they ever well help me out here did they have did they ever dance on it like did they ever grind

like i'm just i'm trying to figure out what were you getting out of this did they ever break you off a little no they didn't do you think they would now no but one of them is a cowboys cheerleader um which is cool but uh she unfollowed me on instagram so damn maybe the cowboys were like one thing the cowboys combed through their following and they were like this guy who who is this and she was like it was my former bodyguard they were like cut all ties with him bodyguard sounds way cooler than did you ever try and hook up with them i mean like hook up is a strong word i tried to date one but then i would just like always ignore her at the game okay that was kind of the move back then that was kind of the move and then i would text her

after the game and be like i wish i had talked to you i wish i had i wish i had helped with your statue of liberty how does this never come up are you being serious i don't i think you're fucking with us no no no this is are we getting like dance teamed right now no no no this is the bodyguard for your high school dance yeah and now you want to go back for homecoming i was curious you put in that pto for mid-fall and i was like that seems like it's a right around or it's like a day we we figure out andrew's like you know there was there happened to be a dance competition in scottsdale last weekend there was he's still doing it protecting them yeah yeah it's like a it's like a uh a mafia thing like once you're once you're in you're in

for life like you can't made man in the dance team bodyguard i feel like you're messing with us you were the bodyguard of the dance team yeah and they got like they took their pizookies out in front of you this is like fucking shocking i'm so confused were you traveling you traveled with them i how has this never come up like you have to meet my buddy andrew he was the he was the bouncer for the high school dance team and they took their pizookies out in front of him ask him anything you want it was respectable back then i think what would you guys do if i went if you found out that i was going back to my high school homecoming i think i'd sit i think i'd i don't report you to will i think will and i would like report you to each other okay i think

we'd have like a hearing probably yeah i'd be pretty bummed yeah you'd have to be put on some sort of leave okay but then we'd like then you'd we'd we can't even put you on leave because your horny ass would just like run back to high school like we have to like keep you busy we'd probably Like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. So are you going to go home for a homecoming? No, I'm just kidding. I'm not going.

I think I'm going to sit it out this year, too. I'm excited to go. I'm going to that BCE. I haven't been there in, like, two years. It'll be fun, I think. I bought 13 tickets all in a row for me and Mike. I'm rolling deep. Oh, my Lord.

The red bandana game, right? So you're not going to sit in the student section, I heard. Hell no. That's where Andrew would go. No, I would be in the dance team section. you're like with their all the other former bouncers yeah who uh they're like what's like swapping war stories like the other bodyguards like what unit did you serve mike roberts 2019 yeah what battalion did you serve in we had a case of stolen valor one year where a guy was

pretending that he was one of the body what was this going what are you talking i think you're fucking messing with us what do you mean he was faking what what he was he was pretending like he was protecting the girls and he wasn't oh so this wasn't like he was in like what do you mean he was like endangering them what no he wasn't endangering them he was just acting like he was one of us and he wasn't how many you were yeah what maybe i was picturing like maybe just you was there like a squad of you guys no no there's four of us did someone like try and assassinate how many dancers are there there had to be like 40 girls on the team what yeah on the dance team I don't buy this for a fucking second.

Pull up your high school dance team, and if I don't see four fucking bodyguards in the photo, I'm going to lose my shit. Oh, man. That was the one Andrew knew how to spell, like, perfectly. I can't see it. Oh, my God. They're in traditional Native American dance. Yeah, it's, like, really bad. What the fuck?

The Indianettes? You're the Indianettes? Yeah, well, our school mascot was the Indians. Still is the Indians. Can you find a photo with the bodyguards? Because I see a team photo right there, and I'm assuming there were bodyguards in there. We weren't allowed in those pictures.

Also, is it wrong that we are grown men and we have a podcast, and right now we are looking at a high school cheerleading team? It's actually par for the course. I think that this whole fucking bodyguard... I think we should take this show to Austin. i think this we should all go back to my homecoming that should be our fantasy punishment you have to go back to homecoming and stay in the student section if it was between that if that was

like the option and there was no way out of it i had to go home to my high school's homecoming and stand in the student section i'm not joking i might i might kill myself like i don't i don't know if i could do it the whole game you have to like cheer and stuff you have to find out what the theme is do you know how fucking embarrassing that would be if like one of your old teachers saw you and was like jack it's like the white lies theme yours is like i'm 18 i'm in high school i didn't graduate or i haven't graduated college yet um and you gotta like you gotta like drink svedka in your car beforehand dude i i had an advisor that i like when we got our um yearbook photo things that like you bring home to your mom so they can like put them on the fridge or whatever

i taped one like really high up in his room and it apparently is still there and so i'm curious if i lose fantasy and i go and what did you post it's just a picture of me in the like from my yearbook like on the clock of his room and i've heard that it's still there from like people's younger siblings do you think if i went and stood in the student section they'd be like it's the guy from mr cohen's office that's clock man that's clock man yo clock man clock that might be the worst fantasy football punishment of all time if you had to go sit in the i'm so excited to text this in my group yeah that's really good do you think you could get i think you'd get arrested no no no i mean you're not what you go and stay arrested i think you're like not it's

like for you're not a student there no this guy like full-grown adults in our student section i'm the bodyguard thing starting to make more sense i'm like they're like that's who you had to protect them from local adults coming to watch coming to hang out with the teens yeah yeah you have to go in the woods and drink 30 beers i wonder you think they do my bottle of chance still what was it again raptor football touchdown score oh i had dude that shit was like all over the voice it's literally i mean you know how much i love most of the things that you have like created that your mind has come up with that's one of the like 10 of the things where i'm like i hope i don't want to hear that anymore it's like this is the worst chant of all time but if everyone

commits then it's fun do you think it like threw off the other team you're like what are they doing who are these guys we're playing academic magnet and they have i think that's the first chant they've ever heard you know Nash Greer's dad said we're the best student section he's ever seen really wait were you playing against Will Greer no I was playing against Sam Hartman actually oh at Oceanside yeah and his coach was Nash Greer's dad dang oh I didn't know I thought that I didn't realize that that's why he because he transferred there like for the coach I thought yeah he followed now it's Will Greer's dad too obviously got him he was like a coach in North Carolina and then they went Oceanside like was a brand new school that year yeah and I think they

didn't they lose every single game or they not everyone I think I'm pretty sure they beat us or actually we might have been in their first year but then the second year they when they had Sam Hartman they yeah doinked us um but have you seen that Nash career video where it's like what guys like look for in girls like the shaved arms thing yeah yeah we should make one of can we make one of those like what andrew looks for in dancers and it's like pliable hips guys if you want if you want me to protect you i'm gonna need your ankles to go behind your head do you think you could put my ankles behind my head or just they just don't go that way i mean do you want me to pretend like i don't know oh man uh guys i want to address the elephant room i'm wearing

white after labor day and i'm sorry oh do you want i don't give i don't give a shit i've it's also i don't think this counts as white but do you want to know i figured out i always wondered why that was a rule and i saw a video explaining it would you like to know why yes maybe so apparently it was like a it was like a class a class thing so like back in the day even rich people the life was so dirty in like new york city that they'd wear thick black stuff in the winter and stuff to not get like stains on it but when they were at there are places in like the hamptons they'd wear like white and like seersucker and stuff like that so when the season ended they were like back to black back to thick black stuff they were amy winehouse in it yes back to black yes exactly

I thought that was a guy Yeah I thought you were making like a girth joke Or something Okay Oh Willie are you gonna go full crip at the red bandana game Okay alright Actually it's blood you fucking imbecile Well I'm saying he goes crip

Because everyone else is gonna be in blood Oh going in a blue bandana Yeah yeah yeah So you know that the red bandana game is for a guy that Died in 9-11 trying to save a bunch of guys Wearing a red bandana Andrew cut that he's like he's like one of the great one of the probably like the greatest guys ever

and you're like and you're like making like a gang joke wait was it pat tillman no it was uh wells uh what was his name wells mccrorley wells mccrorley what was his last name crowther red wells crowther is this common knowledge like am i supposed to know i think it may be 30 for 30 on it which i think is like how a lot of people know but he was like he was a bc lacrosse player and he was like worked in the world trade center and he went up he saved like at least 12 people's lives because he just kept going back up to get more people and more people he was like a off-duty he was a volunteer firefighter but he wasn't he was just at his regular job that day but he saved all these people and then went died because he went back up to get more

and then like all these people had these different accounts of like the only reason i'm alive is because there was a guy with a red bandana on his face like they came and rescued me and like all 12 different people had different accounts of like this guy with a red bandana came and saved me and that was like his signature things he always kept on in his pocket for like good luck like i think when he played lacrosse bc always had one and like so people are like oh my god that must have been wells and they showed people pictures and they're like yeah that was a guy that's crazy yeah so they like yeah and then yeah okay i thought it was like a white lies party kind of thing yeah it's like a white lies well it is i will kind of their white lies that feels like

it's like become like commercialized by the school in a way like that sometimes i feel like teeters on being a little bit weird where they're like selling all sorts of stuff with it on it and like what we i wrote for like our satire newspaper in college one of my favorite articles ever was like like like woman like ties bandana around her tits to honor wells crowder because like literally like you see like the outfits that like people have for it and it's like they make them into like bra right basically and it's it is a cool though it's a cool the game is really cool and like obviously he's like the goat but uh sometimes people are into this like for the just because it's like a fun thing and i feel like some sometimes we lose the plot a little there were

girls wearing just red bandanas on their boobs i think they they must have had like especially made like i don't know maybe the big ones or something but oh my god were you anonymous when you wrote for that newspaper yeah the whole club was because we were like we wouldn't post our faces anywhere because we were not sanctioned by the school they tried to shut us down a bunch yeah because we would put out shit like we did a print edition every year that was like it was mostly online but then we'd get make one that we printed and we'd pass out all over campus and it would all we'd always make like the headline article like something really coming after the the school yeah and uh they probably could shoot like shut you guys down i think in

the bc student handbook it's like if you start a print newspaper we can shoot you legally in the face uh no they probably could shut you down if they really wanted to right but how but like they didn't know there was no like database of our names and we didn't like we wouldn't book rooms for our meetings we just like had places like we would just message like where to go oh you guys were in the dark yeah we like like sometimes we did get kicked out of our room mid-meeting because someone had actually booked it oh i see not that it was like some sort of like it wasn't like that high i was gonna say you guys were like lurking in the shadows did you do like secret society stuff there or was it i mean like we had like a were you in like robes and stuff yeah no no

candlelight we did we had to do we were doing something in robes one time and i had to go to the bathroom and i it was in a we needed a big enough room so we used an auditorium yeah and i went to pee and it was like pretty late at night and i was peeing in my robes and then like a janitor walked in and was like and i was like i'm so sorry and then he just like slowly backed out i walked out in my robes i interviewed for our campus like satirical newspaper thing and so that was like the one time they couldn't be anonymous is like when they're interviewing you and then like later that week i saw them at the bar and i was like the mug down the mug down which is like the name of the article and they were like you can't say that they're like and why i wonder why

i didn't get oh we definitely we would have been like oh okay it was not that serious i felt like i was blowing their cover but they were also wearing they were also wearing robes at the bar so i thought it was were they actually uh we would do like a i loved getting in robes i thought it so fun dude yeah wait what was this for the fraternity yeah we were in i was in robes more more than you'd think is all i'm gonna say we had a uh that's weird i was gonna say we the janitor walking reminded me of one time like senior year me and my buddy it was like towards the end of senior or whatever and we were we took uh uh hallucinogenic mushrooms and we went to the main like building on campus where there was just like it was like unlocked for some reason there's like

this cool ass room with like a piano in the middle and like these beautiful murals all over the wall it's like the oldest room on campus and we were in there and i was like playing piano and we were singing and it was honestly like so much fun and a janitor walked in in the middle of it and it was like oh this is about to go like really south and he just goes like you guys just keep having fun all right just don't go in the elevator i just greased it all up cool don't go in the elevator i just cut the brake lines we were like that that could have been like yeah he was like we we were convinced like the next day was like that might not have been real but then we're also like oh the elevator's all greased up don't tell our don't tell our asses that i want to go play in that now

don't go don't go in the elevator i jerry rigged it to uh the collapse it'll go all the way through the floor like in willy wonka in high school we had to make a schedule of like when the janitor would clean the elevators because we would do like drug deals like through the elevator what and so you know you know why not just hand them the fucking what high school yeah high school no because you wanted to be like discreet and so like the the dealers were like anonymous so what you would do is like you would put money in like the plastic like roof thing you could like open it up a little bit put the money in there and then like 10 minutes later you come back in there and like the drugs would be in there you could just grab it um but

like if you were just do it outside it seems like was it like were you buying anything other than weed i feel like no why wouldn't you just be like hey can i buy some weed from you can you bring it to my dorm because like we're all come to yours the dealer is trying to stay like anonymous how'd you get his number through the chain through the janitor uh kid who sold weed freshman high school and he showed me he had like hollowed out a book like in like a spy oh that's and i was like you don't you just wanted to hollow out a book i uh it is so funny when you're a kid you come up with the craziest hiding spot for your weed like i put it i had like a little like putting green thing and i like put it under one of the holes and then like put the cup

back in and was like freaking out that one day like my dad would like find it you're like he's not like when you're a kid you think your parents are actively like trying to find your weed like as long as as long as they're you didn't do anything they're not like rifling through your stuff what'd you do this weekend martin he's like ah you know usual like mowed the lawn uh did the dishes hunted for my son's weed went on went on like an eight took apart all your stuff and put it back together disassembled all my son's legos in case there was weed in there all right let's do some confessions forgive me father for i have sinned when i was a freshman in the dorms my friends and i were at walmart and we passed by the cake section and saw a birthday cake in that

moment we decided to throw a birthday party for my dorm roommate and get blasted as freshmen do it was not his birthday he does not drink and he is diabetic so he couldn't eat the cake so we just ate it in front of him my friend's eye ended up getting shit-faced and blasting music and i still to this day do not know if my roommate found it funny or not heaven uh yeah i think that's fun yeah forgive me father for i've sinned in high school one of the mean girls spread a rumor that i was lesbian she was right but i wasn't out yet so in retaliation i started a rumor that her and her brother the grade below us were fucking each other the rumor got back to her and she had a very public freak out accusing her best friends of revealing her secret oh turns out it was true

her and her brother had quote fooled around she transferred schools and i never saw her again oh oh that's awesome dude what are the odds you both were right yeah oh it's like the spider-man yeah wait so oh my god what a snipe do you think that was like pure coincidence or she you can tell when you can tell when sister have been messing around i'm not gonna name names here yeah i heard a story recently recently about a brother and sister making the fuck out at a party and like being on top of each other so this is going on i thought that i thought this was like a joke about like west virginia that people did that apparently it is happening around town this is in los angeles think about what's happening in like baker's you only know

grown-ups in los angeles i know i know there was a girl from my high school who would like tell us about how she liked to hide in her brother's closet when he got done from the shower so that when he got naked in his room she could like pop out and scare him i want you to know andrew that that i rusty's babysitter would do bro this is we need to keep our eye on the ball here this is about andrew's fucking freaky ass high school not my babysitter who was awesome andrew i want you to know that i apologize that you had to grow up at this high school i wanted i want so bad for you to experience maine or charleston or anywhere on planet earth i am sorry that you had to go to high school with like the fucking freakiest people of the year i it was keller man was your

high school like a 24 7 freak off how many people went i wouldn't say 24 7 yeah maybe it was it just huge and like five how many people went there i think there were if it's like a hundred then like we need to like shut three thousand people okay all right yeah that's big yeah yeah so you so you went to a high school where the mascot was the indians and the indianettes there were constant freakouts and people were like it wasn't it wasn't constant freakouts it was like monday to friday monday to friday there were so many threats against the life of their dance team that they had four bouncers. This must be how you feel with the names of guys I grew up with, Will, I feel like.

Yeah, it's just like everything else. But their name was like John Peters. Also, on the Friday Beer's YouTube channel, we have an episode of The Sobers out. It is like The Traders, but two of us aren't drunk. It's coming out September 16th. It's coming up. Never mind. It's not out yet.

It's on September 16th. Make sure to mark your calendar. All right. We love you guys. We'll see you. Have a great rest of your Wednesday. Have a great weekend. We will see you bright and early on motherfucking Monday.

Motherfucker. Peace out, brother man. Love you guys. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know, the same way you can skip an ad. I get it. I'm Siyaya and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned.

And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.