Wiretap - A Change of Plan

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

When Jonathan invites Howard to join him on stage at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, Howard seizes the moment for his own hidden agenda. Featuring musical guests Imaginary Cities and a cameo by the great Andrea Martin.

Hi, everybody. I'm J.B. Poisson and I host Frontburner. It's Canada's most listened to daily news podcast. Just the other day, we were in a story meeting talking about how we can barely keep up with what's going on in Canada and the world right now. And like, it's our job to do that. So if you are looking for a one-stop shop for the most important and interesting news stories of the day, we've got you. Stop doom scrolling. Follow Frontburner instead. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, recorded live at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, A Change of Plan. The man I'm about to call to the stage has been friends with me since we were kids. He agreed to accompany me to Winnipeg as a part of his ongoing project to eat restaurant souvlacki in every major Canadian city.

This man's always loved restaurants. In fact, he was the first person with whom I ever dined out alone, without family. We were 12 years old and we ate at Atomic's Pizzeria, a neighborhood restaurant owned by a crotchety old Greek man named Costa, who served ridiculously large portions of food, but was bizarrely hordy with his condiments. We'd receive a plate of fries the size of a toilet bowl, but right alongside of it, Costa would place one single solid.

packet of ketchup. When we asked for more, Costa looked at us as if we just asked for more blood from his mother still beating heart. Whereas I learned to ration, eating four to 500 French fries with a bottle-capped sized dollop, my eating companion learned how to talk to Costa, how to win him over, how to make him see that giving us more ketchup was just the right thing to do. the way he learned how to say in Greek, thank you, kind sir.

Bless you for the ketchup. As well as the excellent cronio polatow ketchup sauce. Here's many years to your ketchup. Ladies and gentlemen here to join me on stage to perform anything you can do, I can do better, Mr. Howard

Chakowitz. Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than me. Of course, can we cut the music, do that please? Can you cut the music? Of course, John, you're better than me, everybody. What do you do? You're the best.

No, this is our showstopper. Yeah, plans have changed, John. You wanted to do this. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How y'all doing tonight? Everyone good tonight? You know, the song and dad's routines are so wonderful, and I don't want to ruin your evening of entertainment.

But I can assure you there is nothing, nothing more entertaining than justice. Justice? What are you talking about? Justice, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. What jury? Allow me to present my case, if I may. Now, Jonathan Goldstein has wronged me. Oh, Howard.

Now, over the course of the next three hours... Oh, God. I would like to present my case to you. Now I brought some taped evidence Which I've given to the technical crew Earlier today That's right I tend to show you

A tale of partnership Done by greed And pettiness and cruelty Marvin, if you'd be so kind As to cue the first bit of evidence there This all started about a week ago As it often does In Jonathan's dark, dank, lonely, lonely studio

I never taking you anywhere Marvin, if you please Monday Howard phones from the hospital emergency room I've accidentally eaten three bars of fancy soap, he says. He claims his dogs, Desmond and Bruce, played a prank on him. How do dogs play a prank, I ask?

If you can send me the prototype, that would be fantastic. Howard? Come to the bank there over time, we're going to pay him time and a half. The most important thing that we get this thing on the shelves by allergy season. All right, Philip, hang on, okay? I'm with my investors right now. I'm going to get you my credit card number. John, John, pass me your credit card.

Please, John's fine. I am not passing you my credit card. Who are you on the phone with? Hey, hey, hey. Philip, I'm going to have to call you back. Come on, come on, come on. How dare you? How? All you had to do was go into your pocket and pull out your credit card and pass it to me.

But no, no, you couldn't. I have to start all over again. I have to regain the trust of my associate, Philip. Who's Philip? Who's Philip? He's a businessman, Jonathan. A capital B business man, cutting edge of business. Okay, you've heard the slap chop?

He did the slap-trop? No, no, but he was inspired with that. It's called the slop chop. Okay, that's for farmers. It cuts up slop for pigs and the Seth Rogen, armpit hair, chia pet. Okay, that's all him. Okay, and he heard my idea,

and he thought it was ingenious. Oh, what is this idea? Okay, you've heard of a slanket? Yes, I think. It's that blanket with sleeves that they advertise on late-night infomercials, right? That's right. Now, what I'm proposing is the Sleenex.

The Sleenex. The Sleenex. Okay. What? What is that? This is a sweater made of tissue paper and you can wipe your nose

right on the sleeves. That is disgusting. No. It's very hygienic. A sweater made of tissue paper. Wipe your nose. You can blow your nose. If you're crying in a sad movie

you dab your eyes. At the end of the day you remove it, it's disposable. Okay, you put one on the morning. You wear one the whole day. So you're walking around wearing a used Kleenex. Yes.

That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my life. Everybody needs this because there's a core wire frame. Hey, so what'll be next? You're going to start marketing toilet paper pants? That's okay. Okay, Howard, you're not getting

any more of my money. You're not getting my credit card. You are cut off. Shameful. It is shameful. Shameful, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Howard, there's no jury, and all I said was that I was cutting you off. Cut off, ladies and gentlemen. How does the Oxford Dictionary define the term cut off?

To produce an interruption of power or fuel supply? In other words, you're trying to kill me, basically. No, no, you're a grown man. You can fuel yourself. You can no more ask me to fuel myself than you can ask the mighty locomotive to shovel its own coal, Jonathan.

How am I supposed to fend for myself? Now, you've wasted the best years of my life. You threw me away like yesterday's trash? What are you talking about? Yeah, well, I looked into my rights because that is my right. Marvin, dear friend, please, if you can present the next piece

of taped evidence. Hello, there's Rick. Hi, is this Rick Weber, the divorce attorney? Yeah, family law specialist. Hi, my name is Howard Chakwoods. I got your phone number from Nick Pappas. Oh, Nick, the delivery guy. Yeah.

Yeah, he mentioned he had a friend named Howard, who might be giving me a call. How can I help you? You see, Rick, after 30 years or so, I find myself on my own. I guess I'm speaking with you because I'm trying to think about how I'm going to maintain my lifestyle without a paycheck.

I mean, you know, he's basically recently cut me off. I just, I'm... He can't just cut you off. Clearly, I think you'd be entitled to to alimony and support. Should I assume that you have dependence or should we not assume that? Well, yeah, I mean, there's Desmond and Bruce, so...

Okay, and how old are they? Desmond is 12 and Bruce is 5. Then obviously there would be some kind of support for them. You know, they've got to maintain their lifestyle. There's going to be school and clothing and all of that. So you've got a lifestyle you're accustomed to. You know, we go into court, we fight for that. hopefully you walk out of this thing better off than you were in the relationship.

Well, I'd like to bleed him dry. After all, he's done to me. And I understand that. Now, it's important to try to keep your emotions out of this as best as possible. You know, let me do the fighting for you and, you know, limit as much contact. So you're still living in the home then, or are you in the process of moving out? No, no. We've never really lived together in the same home.

So, you know, all marriages are different. It's certainly unconventional. No, no, we're not married. No. Well, right, you're in the process of getting a divorce, so, I mean, I understand you don't consider him your spouse anymore. No, you misunderstand. He's a friend of mine who's just...

I'm confused. You've never been married to him. No. Why are you calling me? Thank you so much for your time. You know, I'm going to be sending you a bill for this. You can send that to Jonathan Goldstein. Why would Nick give you my number?

Okay. Did you hear what he said? So you see, even legally, I'm entitled to your care. I deserve support. Okay? I'm not going to let you bully me. I'm not your husband. You're more like a wife, if that's going to be more. All right. If you refuse to see your obvious legal obligation, ladies and gentlemen, if I can appeal to a higher authority, a moral one, a spiritual one, does a brother, not owe a brother a hand?

Brother Marvin, please. If you can just play the next little bit of tape there, please. Hello? Rabbi Kravitz, please. Speaking? This is Howard Chakwit speaking. Howard Enoch Chakowitz? Howard Chakowitz.

Oh, yes. You remember me? I haven't seen you in ages since your bar mitzvah. I wanted to seek your counsel about a friend of mine. Of course. Doesn't it say in the Torah that we are all brothers? We are all God's children. We are all God's children.

Each and every one of us. Hallelujah. And what would you say is our obligation to our brothers, Rabbi? Well, our obligations are many. We have an obligation to offer emotional support, compassion, spiritual support, financial support. Financial, eh? Tell me a little more about the financial part of it. Are you familiar with the great medieval philosopher of Maimonides, I assume?

Yes, of course. My mononides. My monities spoke of various levels of charity. Mm-hmm. Charity. First and foremost, the greatest level is to support someone by giving them work. Yeah, I'm not too crazy about that one. The next basic level, slightly less noble, is to give charity anonymously. Mm-hmm.

Below that is the one who gives to the poor directly, but before being asked. Okay, now you're talking. And last is the one who gives after his arms twisted unwillingly, but never the Nevertheless, gives. But, yeah, you've got to twist their arm to get a penny. Well, you know... This is what I'm dealing with here. Giving elevates the person that does the giving.

To give is to really get. So the person that takes, in a sense, is helping elevate the person that gives. I never thought of it that way. By allowing someone to give to me, I'm doing him the real favor. I guess you could say that. So say it then.

Say Howard's right and John's wrong. Who's John? It doesn't matter. Just indulge me, Rabbi. Just say Howard's right and John's wrong. Howard's right and John's wrong? And now give me like a, and God in heaven has decreed so. Howard, I'm not going to say that.

Okay, Rabbi. So when are we going to see you in synagogue? This Saturday we're going to have a beautiful kid. Yeah, thank you so much Rabbi for everything. I would love to meet you in here. And I'll see you soon. Lovely. Okay. Do you hear the rabbi?

said? Taiwan's not going to heaven, John. Taiwan's not going to heaven. Only giving people to go to heaven. So you should be thanking me. You should be paying me to take your charity. Even the rabbi said so. Right, he did, yeah.

Did you hear what the rabbi also said? I believe so. Did you hear what he said was the highest form of charity? It was actually giving someone a job. I knew you're going to say that. So give me a job, big shot. I would never employ you, Howard. Why?

Because like I always say, friendship and work. They don't mix. That's right. They don't. All right. They don't mix. Then tell me, why do you employ the man? and this next bit of taped evidence.

Please, Marvin. Oh, God. Hello, Goldstein Worldwide, where gold turns to gold. Gregor? Yeah, who's this? It's Howard speaking. Howard.

Hi. How did you get my phone number? I found your business card in John's wallet. Hey, am I catching you in a bad time? Yeah, I am actually a little busy. I'm just in the middle of photoshopping Johnny's face onto the body of a weasel. It's for a social media campaign I'm going to do.

Weasel me. Gregor, just a quick question. Are you or are you not on the Jonathan Goldstein payroll? Yeah, of course I'm on a Goldstein payroll. Why else do you think I'd put up with Johnny if I weren't getting paid? Yeah, I mean, imagine how I feel. I mean, I'm hanging out with the guy for free. Yeah, I would never do that.

So, I mean, how'd you manage that? How do you get money from the guy? I have a contract with him. Contract. If I didn't have a contract, I'd never see penny number one from Johnny. But he knows if he did not honor that contract, I would sue him. I would sue him without mercy. I would sue him until he had no legs left on his feet.

I would take that contract like a rope around his neck. And, oh wait, could you hold on one second? I'm getting another call. Yeah, sure. Yeah? Gregor. Johnny. Hey.

Hi. How's my number one bubble? Not great. You know the foot fungus I was telling you about? Uh-huh. I'm getting this terrible burning sensation in the crotch of my big toe and my ring toe. Ring toe, toe. Johnny, you never failed to both nauseate and entertain.

But right now, Daddy's cooking up some big deals on the other line, so I better let you go. What's so busy? I'll speak to you soon. Take care, Johnny. Number one client. Okay. I will sue him until he is begging for mercy in a voice that is hoarse from begging. And once he gets horse, I will give him a drink of water so he can beg some more, and then I will sue him again.

I would sue the fungus off his ring toe. The point is, with a contract, 25% gets deposited right into my bank account, and there's nothing to talk about. I mean, well, so how can I get a contract? How can I, you know, make this official? Well, you can't just get a contract. I mean, first of all, you'd have to provide some services for him. Yeah, I'm not. I also provide services.

All right, well, good for you. If you provide services, you should get paid for it. So let's say you did something for Johnny, like in a given month. Let's say you walked his dog, you washed his car, you grouted his bathroom tub, whatever he did. At the end of that month, you send an invoice for the time that you spent doing it. It's very straightforward. An invoice. Maybe what you need is someone to represent your business interest vis-a-vis Johnny's business interest.

Really? You tell me I like that? Yeah, of course. You're going to make so much money. You're not even going to feel the 35% skim I take off the top. That's fabulous. All you need to do is keep track of your hours, itemize your services, and you and me are going to be rich in no time. Do you see? I've been working for you all these years after all.

How do you suppose that is? Okay, first of all, I've been life coaching you for like the past 13 years. That's right. That's life coaching. Who gets you out of your hole into the outside world? That's me. Now, secondly, I've been armed candy for you at dozens of events like this. Arm candy, yeah.

I've given you hundreds of pep talks, hundreds of pep talks, and you're too drunk to get out of bed. I don't drink. It's the honest, goodness, truth, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, when you've been sad, I've had to listen to you. I've had to hug you on occasion, all of which I find thoroughly repulsive. That's what friends do for each other. Who entertains you like me?

Hey? Nobody. Who did I get for that? That's priceless, Jonathan. But for the sake of personal accounting, I have a $21,879, which I think we can round off to about $20,000

that we could be done with it. You're literally putting a price tag on our friendship. You know, there's one thing I've been doing for you our entire life and I've never charged you a penny for. I've been your muse our entire life. My muse.

Yes, I've let you use me as your muse. Uh-huh. Okay, I've been your Mona Lisa, your Leonardo DiCaprio, I've been your Yoko-Tier John. I'm your Yoko John, okay? And I get nothing for it. You are completely bananas. You've ruined what was supposed to be the greatest afternoon in my life. Yes, you are. You're sick. If you're absolutely loving your summer read and don't want the book to be over, your experience doesn't actually have to end when you finish reading. I'm Matea Roach, and on my podcast bookends, I sit down with authors to get the inside scoop behind the books you love.

Like, why Emma Donoghue is so fascinated by trains? Or how Taylor Jenkins-Reed feels about being a celebrity author? You can check out bookends with Mateo Roach wherever you get your podcasts. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to draw upon something from the Goldstein family archives. Oh, what? What is this? Marvin, my dear man, if you've been so kind... What is this? The year was 1981, and a 12-year-old Jonathan Goldstein had only just begun to keep an audio diary. Monday, Howard ate, my strawberry-scented eraser, an art class today.

Unlike life, art allows us the possibility of undoing our mistakes. Unless, of course, we have a friend like Howard. After convincing him to see the school nurse, Howard returned to class. Hey, John! Howard? What's you doing? How'd you get into the house? Your mom let me in.

She's wearing a really nice-looking pants-toe. How- Hey, what's this? Would you please put that down? It's the ham radio I'm building. Howard... Hey, can I have this Dukes-of-Hazard figurine? No.

Can I have this Rubik's Q? No. What about this? That's a pillow. I sleep on that. Rubik's cute fight. Ow, please, stop it. Busting a move in Johnny's room.

Getting loud like a sonic boom. Want some food, and I want it soon. Smash it all like... I mean, so you can see from the very beginning, John, I've been an inspiration. From the very, very beginning, without me, you'd have no stories, you'd have nothing. I deserve royalties, John. I'm the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, I deserve royalties.

Uh-huh. Howard, you were throwing things at me and really disturbingly, like trying to make time with my mother. John, you weren't cool like I was. It's just the truth. I mean, you were a nerd. Ladies and gentlemen, he was a nerd. He'd sit alone at the loser table all by himself. That's not true.

He'd watch all my adorable shenanigans from afar. And you know, John, if it wasn't for me watching out for you when we were kids. I mean, you wouldn't even be where you are today. I was functioning perfectly well. I didn't need your help. Oh, the great Jonathan Goldstein. You never needed any help. I knew you never remember. But I'm going to help you remember.

Remember what? With the help of a voice from the past. What are you talking about? I'm going to show that you owe me everything, even your very life. Jonathan Goldstein, this is your life. Your miserable, sad, stinking life. Ladies and gentlemen, if it's so, pleases the courts, I'd like to present you with this next clip. Marvin, if you please.

Hello? Is this Mrs. Crockett? Yes. Mrs. Crockett, this is Howie Chackett speaking. Who? I was in your grade 6 class at Suvenile Elementary. Who is this? Howie Chackowitz.

Remember I used to bring you tulips? Remember I once locked myself in the snack pantry? Remember you used to cut the bubble gum out of my hair? Oh! Remember you caught me eating glue? Oh! Remember? Howie Chakowitz.

That's it. You had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me a couple of times, remember? So many years, of course. You had a pop. stuck in your throat. You remember? Yes. Howie Chackle with the fat kid.

Yeah. Oh, we smell like sneakers. Isn't that right? Sneakers and tuna. Well... Do you remember when you ate the class goldfish? Yeah, well, you know, by accident. You were so cute little how we chackle with.

That's me. That's me. You were a sweet kid. Always volunteering to wipe the chalkboard. Very generous. Sweaty, as I remember, sweaty and fat. But, you know, speaking about how generous I was, do you remember Jonathan Goldstein?

No? Remember he was the kid. He was always peeing his pants in class, and he had sweaty palms. Oh. Remember him? Always excused him because of health issues, and I was applying some point of ointment.

He was a nebushy little boy. Wasn't he big glasses? Yes. Anyway, anyway, do you remember how one day I came rushing to the classroom to have you stop a fight between Jonathan and, Freddie Shelley. You remember Freddy Shelley? Freddy Shelley? I remember. He failed six

times. We couldn't get him out of that school. I think he married one of the lunch ladies. And he was going to beat Jonathan up behind the gym one day. Yes. You remember I managed your classroom. I came to get you to intervene. That's right. I remember that. You came and grabbed me and we went together and we stopped the fight. Yes. He was famous for the Freddie Shelley's throat punch. He'd punch kids in their throat. And that's why I saved Jonathan's life.

And his radio career, I made sure that punch was destined for his vocal pipes never landed. Well, it's all very interesting. You see? You see, John, I was always defending you. I always had your back, Jonathan. Who are you talking to, Howard? It doesn't matter. See, the point is, I was always trying to help that boy.

Well, I remember that Freddie Shelley hated your guts. My? Hated you. In fact, if my memory serves correct, I think that little nebushy friend of yours got into trouble with Freddie Shelley because he was defending you. Okay, Marvin, that's okay. You were the weak one, and he was stepping up to the plate.

Wait, have a second. Wait, wait a second. What was she just about to say? Well, she was saying that clearly I defended you and I performed a childhood deed of the highest order and if it wasn't for me to be speaking through a voice box. Monday, my hemorrhoids are flaring.

Okay. Tuesday. My lips are still chat. Thank you. Okay, can you please, Marvin, can you play? No, there's nothing. I'd like to hear the rest of the tape. Marvin.

I forbid you from playing that team. He was trying to defend your honor. Marvin! Now, the thing I most remember about you two, you were both a couple of complete and utter social pariahs. I was a last kid. I remember the kids teasing you both a lot. You know, it was nice now that I think of is that you two had each other. You two were so cute together and sitting there and arguing with each other about God knows what.

You know you two. two had something special. You could see that even as kids. Are you two still friends, dear? Well, yeah, well, I suppose we are, I guess. And what does he do now, the nebish one?

Drinks mostly. Also works on this radio show. Well, listen, you give him my regards and I have to pee. Well, thanks for talking to me, Mrs. Crockett. I appreciate it. I'm happy to help out. Bye. Bye, Howard.

Mrs. Crockett says, hi, by the way, she sets her warm regards. Right, thank you. Did you hear what else she said? I mean, we were a team, you know? I mean, we have long history together, Howard. I mean, we shouldn't be fighting like this. Not here on stage. Just want you know I have value, that's all that.

I do know that. The language of me. Cut off. You're cut off. It's so emasculating. You know, I just want you to know that I'm worth something. That's all right. I know that. And, you know, you can't put a price tag on friendship like that, is what I'm saying. Well, I had $21,879.

Okay. Howard. I'm just kidding, kind of. I value our friendship, too, Jonathan, kind of. Okay, all right. I'll tell you what, I'm not going to give you the money, okay? But I will put you to work, you know, shoveling snow and washing windows and, you know. We'll figure something out.

You know, I guess it's over, but, you know, it's too bad we had to stop here because I had some really, really juicy tape of Stuart McLean trash talking the pants off you. Oh, really? Man, a nice folksy, man, the people like Stuart McLean just, these have just riled them up. Okay, all right. Horrible things, I just... We've all had quite enough, I think. I'm just going to have to, I guess, find new investors for the Sleenex, that's all.

There might be some people here in the audience tonight who might be interested in a very... All right, that's enough. Don't, okay. Howard, honestly, if I even saw you, you know, put an honest day's work into one of your cockamamie crazy schemes, I might be inclined to, you know, support that effort. Yes, I am. I mean, yeah, I would. All right. What do you have here? What is this in your briefcase? This is a Sleanx prototype. This is a patent number 4-6375. This is a his and hers. It's like toilet paper sewn to a hospital panel. Why don't we put this on here for the... Hey, folks, should we put this on? Just to see what Jonathan looks like.

Put that on there. All right. You get the hers. It's one size fits all. I hope it's not used. I think you look very elegant, Mademoiselle. Will that be Cash or Charge X Jonathan? Howard Chackowitz, ladies and gentlemen.

Night in New Cities. You were asking me in a dream like state. You were asking why we have to separate. You keep asking how the love turn into hate. Keep on asking me, keep on asking, Where'd all the living go? Something don't feel right. Where'd all the living go tonight?

Barely moving bodies in a toxic state. Something truly makes me want to hesitate. If I answer, will it be a huge mistake? Keep on asking me, keep on asking. Where'd all the living go? Something don't feel right. Where'd all the living go to-night? I'm scared to spin my mind.

I'm running out of time. On Wiretap today, you heard Howard Chackowitz, Richard Weber, Nissen-Chakowitz, Gregor Ehrlich, Ian Crane, Cyrus Jordan, and Andrea Martin, whose tour dates can be checked out at I-Amandria-Martin.com. Today's Wiretap was recorded at the Tom Hendry Warehouse Theater in Winnipeg

with a live performance by Imaginary Cities, whose debut album, Temporary Resident, is now available on iTunes or at hiddenpony.ca. Special thanks to recording engineer Joe Dudich, assistant engineer Greg Baboski, and to Frank Apulco. Wiretap is produced by Mira Bertwintonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. For more CBC podcasts, go to CBC.ca.ca slash podcasts.