Wiretap - Chasing Rainbows

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Jonathan speaks with Kenneth Michaels, professional Rainbow Chaser, about extreme weather research.

A lot of news podcasts give you information, the basic facts of a story. What's different about your world tonight is we actually take you there. Paul Hunter, CBC News, Washington. Margaret Evans, CBC News, Aleppo. Jerusalem. Ottawa. Prince Albert. Susan Ormiston, CBC News in Admiralty Bay, Antarctica.

Correspondents around the world, on the ground, and at the source where news is happening. So don't just know, go. Your world tonight from CBC News. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to an all-new wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Chasing Rainbows. Monday. For the past two weeks, I've been on summer hiatus from the radio show. I've been getting

up when I want to and going to see a lot of movies. Although my friend Howard is pretty much permanently on vacation, from work, responsibility, and for the most part, reality, he decides he wants to experience the thrill of being on holiday, too. I'm doing the stuff I normally do, Howard says, but with fruity island drinks and loungeware, a daquery in my hand while doing the laundry, a sombrero on my head while walking the dogs. So you're sort of having a staycation, I say. Yes, Howard says. He then tells me that the first time he heard that expression, he thought it was steak-ation, a vacation where you allow yourself to eat as much steak as you like. The only souvenir I brought back, he says, was five extra pounds.

Thursday. As it turned out, Howard's staycation mainly involved spending each day at my house and eating all of the food in my fridge while listening to Hawaiian ukulele music on my stereo. And so I've decided to leave town for a few days in Miami Beach. Most of my time here is taken up with fearful thoughts of sunstroke. I apply ointment to my skin at five-minute intervals, but in spite of this, by evening, I am bright red and peeling. If I ever become well-known enough to make public service announcements, my cause celebra will be sunburn. It afflicts both young and old, I will say, my voice heavy with gravitas. Sunburn, the silent, Annoyance. Too sore to go out, I phone up for room service. And as I wait my food, wrapped in cool bedsheets, I am reminded of something someone once said. There is no vacation from the self. But at least there is one from Howard. Tuesday. Howard meets me at the Montreal airport with my car.

Tomorrow I'm back at work, starting a new season of the radio show, and Howard tells me he's been working on a special surprise for me at the studio. I can hardly wait to see what it is. All right, and just put that over here. That's great. That's looking great. Power? Okay, thanks.

Hey, John. Thanks, Vito. Thank you, man. That looks fantastic. What is going on in my studio? See you later. Thank you. I'll have your check next week, okay?

All right. Wow, this looks great, eh? What are you doing in my... This office was screaming for redecorating. What is going on in here? What do you think? I think it looks fantastic. What have you done to my studio?

We did your office as a gift to you. John, this studio is now set for a man of your taste and distinction. I just made it look really nice. I brought it up to the 21st century. Okay, first of all, where is my microphone? I've replaced it. That's what the flower pot is. A flower pot.

You're going to speak into the flower pot now. It's a microphone flower pot. This is from Sweden. Oh, it's from Sweden. Oh, I don't care where it's from. I need a microphone. This is a studio. Why does a studio mean that it can't look good?

Why can I not be bling? Look around you. I've just made your studio into one of the most beautiful, glamorous places in the CBC people are going to be coming from all over the... I don't want them to be. You don't want them in here with you?

No. Then what's this sofa for? Yeah, what is there a sofa doing in my studio? First of all, this is an African rhinoskin sofa. This is imported. It's very illegal. Where did you get this stuff? I have my connections. How can you afford this, John?

And how can you afford not to afford this? I don't know what that means, Howard, but I don't like the sound of it. John, I've turned this studio in it. into a UDio, because now this is about you. This reflects you. No, it doesn't. I know a lot about taste. I know a lot about design.

This has been a little kind of pet project of mine for years. Oh, it has. I want to surprise you, and I just get kicked in the Wahoos for this. Howard, this place looks like Liberace's walk-in closet. Speaking of walking closets, turn around. Look at that, baby. What did you... That is a full-fledged walk-in closet.

Why would you put a walk-in closet in my studio? Any of Hollywood Starless today would die. They would just plots to have a walking closet. Why would I need a walk? For your shoes. How would I have one pair of shoes? I just thought this would add a little sparkle into your life. Sparkle.

Your soul should sort. I can't even stand up because when I... It's like this is like a ballroom chandelier. That is a ballroom chandelier. I can't even get it. It's touching the tip of my head while I'm seated. John, when I look around the world, and I see the headlines and I see about all the terrible things

that are happening in the world, if everybody would just spend some time thinking about design. Okay, Howard, you see this, there's kind of an area here that's kind of open. I don't know what you're thinking. I was thinking a baby grand, a little baby grand, right in the corner. A little baby grand. They have these little small baby grand. Howard, I don't play the piano.

You have to play. Who plays, who in their right mind has a house of the baby grand and they play piano? A pianist? No, it's design. You can lean against it while you're storytelling. Okay, it's a conversation piece. People walk and they go, what a beautiful baby grand. Is that red champagne finish?

Yes, it is. Do you recognize who the designer is? Yes, you're right. That's a figatazzi. Howard, a figatzi, isn't that an Italian sausage? It is, but it's also a designer. Okay, and now, and what have you done to the lights? Go ahead, hit the light switch.

Gee, that's blindingly bright. That's because they're tanning lights. While you're sitting here working, you never get any sun. You've installed tanning lights. John, what vitamin E do you get? Howard, I am not going to get it from tanning lights. I'm not getting it from the sun, because all day and all night, you sit like a little hermit in your office, working, working. The light, Howard, the light does it, it won't even switch off now.

You're going to look so bronze. You're going to be like George Hamilton, mixed with a little bit of Don Ho. See, it's a little corner here. I want to have a nice little private bathroom for you. Wouldn't you like that, your little private bathroom? That's disgusting. I have the plumber coming tomorrow. We're going to set the whole thing up.

No, you're going to call them. Yes, I am. No, you are not. Yes, I am. In the meantime, just to show how thoughtful I am. Look at this. What do you think of that? What is that?

What is that? Like some kind of bucket? This, no, a bucket. This, my friend, is an antique Victorian-era insane asylum bedpan. It's been rumored that Antoine Artoe himself relieved himself in this bedpan. That's really, really disgusting. I'm not buying things off the rack, John. Like this ridiculous ceiling fan that you put in?

This ceiling fan, I'll have you know, is a spinner rally. Okay, this is a Sicilian import. You've made that up. A spinner rally. A spinorrelly. A spinner rally. I'm just going to turn it on. It's a one speed.

Howard, it is definitely. The spinnerets believe that this is the one speed of optimum performance. It's blowing my pages all over the place. That's why I bought you these designer paperways. This is made from polished glass. I feel like in the center. That's a vintage bottle cap. Tie soda, I believe. This stuff is stupid.

Okay, look, I'm going to peel to you in a whole different way. This is a mahogany and cedar bar. A little personal wet bar here for yourself. Okay. I don't need a bar at work. You don't need a bar at work. That's why that's while your colleagues referred you with Jonathan. steen you know what Howard

point taken okay Howard Howard listen to me we'll continue this conversation later you're going to return all of this garbage but right now I just need to I need you out of the studio I need to prepare for an interview is it four inches that's not balanced I can't go right now what times it's it's 630 I'm entertaining what are you talking about

I'm just having some people over who are you having some friends people you don't know is this why you redid my studio how dare you I did this for you for you Howard I am going back to work but how are you going to work with a room full of people we're going to be drinking exactly I'm not going to be able to work I'm supposed to tell the owner of bush-bush that he can come here

I don't even who I don't even know you anymore quite frankly this could be very good for your career you have some very important people you know I have to start primping and fussing I gotta get into the closet see by the way did you know it's the following from here oh god oh my god my hair is an absolute fright Howard all your clothes are in here John this place is going to be my ticket to high society

That's what this was all about. You are so selfish. I'm selfish. You're recording and your work and bringing money home. I'm doing this for us. I'm looking ahead. God knows you don't take me anywhere. We don't go on vacation.

We don't travel. We don't even go for a coffee. Now we're a place to go. Ken Michaels, you're a professional rainbow change. Yes. What exactly does that entail? Well, it's actually a very complicated process. Really what it comes down to is there has been a shortage of rainbows the last five, ten years,

and we're trying to figure out why. And so how do you go about doing this? We have multiple instruments to help us track and gather rainbow data, a rainbow locator, that can actually track the exact distance of a rainbow. We also have another instrument called the spectrometer, which calculates the overall ah or the glee that you might get from a rainbow, because not only are the rainbows decreasing in numbers, but the ones that we actually do have are less magnificent than previous years.

Wait a second, you're saying like ah as in like ah. Yes, ah, as in it strikes you. It makes you look at it twice. And how can you measure something like glee? or just, you know, how much it can make a person gasp? Well, there's a number of ways. The easiest being just photographic evidence. When you actually look at the pictures themselves,

you can really tell that rainbows from the 70s and 80s and even in the early 90s, they are just glowing. They are eye-popping. And you look at them now, and they're really bland, I would say, almost. You almost can't make out the different colors in the rainbow itself. And do you have any theories as to why this change is taking place? We assume that it is a connection with global warming, but we haven't been able to link it to that. We've had regular rainfall, or even in some years, it's been more damp in general.

But strangely, the rainbows themselves just aren't showing up. And that's really what we're trying to figure out why, because, as you know, everybody loves rainbows. You can be the biggest, baddest guy on a big motorcycle with your whole tattoos and all of that stuff, and you're going to point out a rainbow to your friend, you know, and let's put all science aside. It's not just a ray of light, you know, coming through a droplet of water. It's something more than that. It's bigger than that.

It's more than once it's knocked me to my knees, and I just, I need it now. You know, it's almost like a drug to me. I got to see that rainbow. So take me through a typical day on the job. How do you go about the actual chase? Well, there's a group of us. It's not just me. There's no way I could do it all on my own, that's for sure.

We have a van that we use, and... Is this like a special... Do you have a siren or something? No, no, nothing like that. Unfortunately, we are not recognized yet by the government or really by anyone, so we don't have any special permission to be, you know, riding around like crazy. So actually all we have is it's just a regular old standard cargo van that we've gutted. And we put in, you know, our own equipment stuff back there, you know, helmet cams and things

along those lines so we can keep our hands free, but still document our chase. And speaking of the chase, I have a clip of tape here from the Discovery Channel Storm Chasers. I don't know if you're familiar with that program, but it's a reality television show in which a team of extreme weather researchers track hurricanes and twisters and tornadoes and that kind of thing. Okay. Let me play a sound. All right, hold on. We've got to see which waves moving here. is pushing to position his radar right next to a dangerous rain-wrapped tornado.

It's coming right at us. Shot your window. Oh, my gosh. It's here. It's here. We're in the tornado. Yes. That is taking extreme research to a whole new level right there.

So when you hear something like that, I mean, like, I'm listening to it, and it gets my adrenaline going. And, I mean, how do you feel like your work in? to that. Do you get a similar rush from chasing rainbows? As a society, it does bother me that people get more excited for a tornado than they do a rainbow. We're out there just like the storm chasers, and maybe it's not quite so flashy and exciting because we don't have our own TV show yet. But frankly, to be honest with you, I'm not sure if what they're doing is science or if it's just being a daredevil. And so even without the income of a reality TV show or anything like that, you're still able to make a living from your research.

because it is a passion i'm willing to to cut off certain comforts so at the moment i'm actually living at my mother's house um so you know free rent makes it a lot easier you know right and my mom is actually uh you know she's in full support um she loves the rainbows and um and she loves that i'm pursuing my passion except for when she really needs the van Oh, you borrow your mother's van. Yeah, we don't, at the moment, we can't afford our own van. Right. So when she's not using it, it's actually when we go out on our chases.

Okay. Ken, I just have one last clip of tape here to play for you. This one's from Colorado meteorologist Dr. Rick Aspen. And here he's discussing some of his thoughts on rainbow chasing. Take a listen. What makes me different than a rainbow chaser? I guess on a daily basis, I'm engaged in an industry. intellectual pursuit, and frankly, I've got a job.

We don't spend a whole lot of our time chasing leprechauns and rainbows and fairies or Tinkerbell at all. So, I don't know, I have a challenge with that. So how do you respond to that? Yeah. Well, I, first off, I know Dr. Aspen. I've had a run in with him more than once. To be honest with you, I'm not really surprised to hear something like that. Because the weather community, it's really very competitive.

And we don't seem to get a lot of respect, to be honest with you. A lot of people, specifically meteorologists, take this as a joke. But, you know, people used to say that putting someone on the moon was crazy and look at us now. So, you know, really what it comes down to is nobody in history has harnessed the power of a rainbow and used that power, you know, for blank, fell in the blank. And, you know, what if rainbows cure cancer? Or, you know, I know that's a stretch, but you never know. And wouldn't it be a shame if just out of nowhere there was suddenly no more rainbows?

Kenny? You on the phone? Please get off the phone. Okay, Kenny, can you clear out the van? I'll take care of it. Mom, I'm doing an interview. Okay, Kenny, you remember the deal. You can borrow the van for all the rainbow stuff you want.

But when I need it, no question. questions asked, okay? Will you please get off my back? Do it now, please. No, Mom. I'm not. I said now. Uh, Ken?

Yeah, sorry about that. I got to go. I got to clean out my mom's van. Right. But I hope that someday people will start to take the work that we do a little more seriously and realize that there really is the lack of rainbows and we're on the leading edge, if you will. Ken, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me about your work. Absolutely. It's been a pleasure.

Bye-bye. Bye. If you're absolutely loving your summer read and don't want the book to be over, your experience doesn't actually have to end when you finish reading. I'm Matea Roach, and on my podcast, bookends, I sit down with authors to get the inside scoop behind the books you love. Like, why Emma Donoghue is so fascinated by trains, or how Taylor Jenkins Reed feels about being a celebrity author. You can check out bookends with Matea Roach

wherever you get your podcasts. Thursday, I run into Greger at the video store. This is not good. I asked if you were free to help me move an industrial freezer tonight, he says, and you said you were busy with a deadline. And now I find you here? Getting ready to watch a movie? Wrong, I say. I don't have time to watch a movie, only to rent one. What's the point of renting a movie you won't be watching, he asks. It gets me out of the house, I say, and walking home with a DVD under my arm makes me feel like a part of society. Gregor looks at me disbelievingly. I make a mental note to watch the movie with the blinds drawn,

in case he should pass by and see the light of the TV. An element of subterfuge will help make cloudy with a chance of meatballs feel more enjoyably illicit. Friday. Gregor calls. I'm in my car downstairs, he says. You're not getting out of helping me. Put on pants and come down. You'll have to wait, I say, trying to buy time.

I was just getting into the shower. Shower, he asks, incredulous. Just soaked two balls of toilet paper and cologne and electrical tape them under your armpits. Gregor's ideas about personal hygiene would make him an ideal judge on a hobo makeover show, adjudicating on whether sardine-can top hats go better with pelts made of possum or squirrel.

I put the phone down, and as I shower, I consider jumping from the second floor bathroom window and running naked and free down the street. I decide to help Gregor instead. It will prove only nominally less painful. Tuesday. It's been a few weeks since I've heard from Gregor. This is not like him.

Usually there are appliances that need to be moved and problems with my personality that need to be discussed. Against my better judgment, I decide to pick up the phone and give him a call. Hello? Hey, Gregor. Johnny, how are you, my friend? I'm good. I haven't heard from you in a while. I just wanted to check in to see how you're doing.

I'm feeling good these days. Weather is beautiful. I just saw a movie. I really liked it. I'm in a good mood. Since when are you able to get out of the office and see matinees? Because I make my own schedule now. I got a new job. I'm feeling really good about it. What do you do? What new job? I told you about this. I'm your agent now. What do you mean you're my agent? Johnny, for years, I've been giving you advice, and it finally hits me one day. I should be getting paid for all this great advice.

So I decided it was high time. I made it official. I even quit my job and moved to L.A. and set up an office. You did what? Now I got a massive pad right in Malibu. It was right by the beach. I had no idea that you had moved. Yeah, I moved. I'm your agent. Big deal. Well, it is a big deal. Yeah, I'm working on some big deals for Johnny.

Gregor, I can't afford to have an agent. Let me explain something to you, John. Johnny, this town is all about residuals, offsetting potential earnings on foreign distribution rights. I don't know what any of that means. You don't have to worry about what that means. That's for me to worry about. Just understand this. You are like a big Zeppelin that slowly orbits the earth with a vacuum cleaner attachment hanging down. And when you go over, say, Sweden, you suck up money. Then Japan. Suck. You silently accumulate wealth around the whole world and reruns and stuff. Pretty soon, I have another BMW.

In Los Angeles, you can't come up riding on your bicycle that you took from your nephew. or whatever it is that you go to work on. Well, who's paying for this? Jonathan Colstein Enterprises, don't worry. The whole thing is a tax deduction. Cricker, I can't believe that you're doing. This is a complete madness. It's not madness.

Listen, together we are going to take on Tinseltown. I've already taken on a bunch of Tinseltown. I've taken on a bunch of meetings. You know what they're calling you? No. The next year, la booth. Cricker, I'm not an actor, and I'm twice that kid's age. Don't worry about it.

We're going to fix your hair thing, either with a wig or a weave or a glue or something. What hair thing? I'm going to have your feet fixed. By the time you get finished. For the doctors I got you lined up with, there's going to be a whole new Johnny in town. Johnny LaBouf. Gras, I hope this is a joke. No joke, Amigo.

I just booked you on a show. You have your cash register open? You got your shovel to start shoveling in the money, because here's the pitch. You're ready? Yeah. You are going to be on preventable ice fishing catastrophes. Next year's hottest show, on ice, starring you. What is that?

Basically, we put you in a situation where a catastrophe happens, and then we work back to see how it could have been prevented. All you have to do is sit on the ice and look at door. with your fishing rod and your pale. Then, we hear a big crack. And, you know, you fall through into the ice water. So you've got me on like some kind of reenactment. There's no reenactment here. We're putting you in peril. Make no mistake. That's why you get combat pay. It's a catastrophe.

It's a catastrophe. It's a plumb roll, okay? You're gonna have to take my word for it. This is a stupid role, Gregor. The programmers at the Gay Network are very excited about this. Why am I'm not gay? You don't have to be gay. It's acting. You don't need to be a dog to play Lassie. You do need to be a dog. to play last. How many roles do you think come across my transom every day, saying,

hey, we need a short little bald curmudgeon. How many rolls? Take a guess. How about none? How about I'm wearing off the souls of my beautiful Bruno Magley shoes, walk in the streets, and I'm not literally walking. I'm driving, but the point I'm trying to make here is that I am busting my hump for you, Bubby. Don't call me Bubby. That's what agents call their clients, my friend. You're not my agent. I don't do this job for the money, Johnny. I do it out of love. Love for you. That's why I take 15%. Okay, okay, what other roles do you have? What other roles? I was going to surprise you for your birthday, but you want to know the roles I got lined up for you? You're reading a book on tape?

Oh, yeah? How about that? How about that? Not too bad, right? That plays my strength a little bit more. It's called I Am Chihuahua. It was written by Paris Hilton's dog. How did her dog write a memoir? How did Scooby-Duke solve crimes, you maniac? That's a cartoon! How'd the dog write a book? This dog has more pull in this town in his little paw than you'll ever have. Okay, Gregor, look, I don't have time for this now. Okay, I got to get out of here, all right? I have a dinner. I have a dinner. I didn't set up any dinner for you. It's a dinner with my parents. What do you think? You can just have a dinner. dinner with whoever you want. What, I have to ask you permission? Don't you try and cheat me out of my

appearance fees, Johnny? I'm not getting an appearance fee. Let me explain something to you, Johnny. You are like a pack of oxen, and I am like the guy driving the pack of oxen into the slaughterhouse. What kind of an analogy is that? It means that your work is my money. When you go out to dinner, I make money. When you come home from dinner, I make money. Well, I don't know how you're going to make money out of my going to see my parents. If your mother brings any brisket over, I want 15% cut. What? 15%. Just tattoo it on your face. I get 15% of what you get. You got a problem to talk to your manager. Who's my manager? Me. Why do you think I'm getting an extra 10%? What do you talk? What? It's all in your contract, Johnny. Read it and weep, Johnny. Read it and weep.

Dot net. Wiretap is produced by Jonathan Goldstein with Mira Berkwin-Tonick and Crystal Duhame. Whoa, that's a full rainbow all the way. Double rainbow, oh my God, double rainbow. It's a double rainbow all the way, damn. It's a double rainbow all the way, damn. Oh, my God.

What is this mean? It's so dry and so vivid. Double rainbow, double rainbow. It's so intense What is this me? It started even looked like a triple rainbow That's a whole rainbow Double rainbow on the red cross the sky

Yeah So intense Double rainbow on the red cross the sky Wow Wow Oh my god It's... Oh my god

It's more Oh my god, it's more I can't even capture it on my camera Double rainbow all the way Cross the sky Yeah So intense Double rainbow all the way

Cross the sky Wow Wow That is the baddest rainball I've ever seen. Double rainbow all the way across the sky. Yeah, yeah. So intense. For more CBC podcasts, go to cBC.ca.