Wiretap - Five Goldstein Rings

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

Jonathan Goldstein's story about the real miracle of Hanukkah. Plus, Howard delivers singing telegrams for the holidays.

Hi, everybody. I'm J.B. Poisson and I host Frontburner. It's Canada's most listened to daily news podcast. Just the other day, we were in a story meeting talking about how we can barely keep up with what's going on in Canada and the world right now. And like, it's our job to do that. So if you are looking for a one-stop shop for the most important and interesting news stories of the day, we've got you. Stop doom scrolling. Follow Frontburner instead. This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Holiday Special, 2014, in five parts. Five Goldstein rings.

Montreal, the morning after the storm, and all the street garbage, garbage cans, dumpsters, pigeons, and potholes are coated in a purifying layer of white. I head off to the running track by my house for a morning jog. The track is entirely covered over in snow, and no one is there, except for a man doing laps on cross-country skis. He is skiing in clockwise circles, and when I pass him in the opposite direction, he shakes a ski pole at me. I pull the earbuds from my ears to hear what he's saying. You're ruining my goddamn tracks. I'm so sorry, I say. I've been working on these tracks for hours, he screams. You're ruining everything.

You know, I yell back, bristling. This does happen to be a running. track, not to mention the fact it's also open to everyone. A moment after we part, I'm filled with remorse. Why couldn't I take the high road? Someone yells at you and you yell back? There's something so asinine about it and bizarrely intimate, too. Yelling is something I like to hold as special, something only reserved for family and loved

ones. Not to mention, I kind of get this guy. A snowstorm like this is rare. How excited he must have been to break out his skis. Where did you put my goddamn skis? He might have cried out to his wife with joy. You're ruining everything. And how many hours it must have taken for him to get the snow so smooth.

But even more so, I understand the weird joy of sudden unexpected solitude in the city. Unlike regular life, where you don't always get a second chance to be the better version of yourself, I passed the skiing man once more, on the other side of the track. Sorry, I call out, I'll stay off your tracks, and happy holidays. It's okay, he answers, happy holidays. On the next lap we pass and barely exchange a look, and on the next lap after that we are back to being complete strangers

each in our imaginary bubble and sometimes in the big city that's the nicest thing you can ask for I was at the ophthalmologist the other day waiting in a lobby Oh hey Gregor I'm reading some magazines and it's like gadget guide for Christmas, what to get for the guy who's got it all?

And I start thinking, who's the guy I know who has nothing? You, Johnny, and then I start to think, what if your show introduced a segment, like the holiday gift guide? A gift guide. Look, there's a million guides out there for the guy who has everything. Where's the guide for the guy who has nothing? Think of it. Everyone has someone in their life who never unpacked their furniture from their last move 11 years ago, who sits on the floor on a cardboard box in his underwear.

watching his frozen pizza melt while he stares at the TV he never took out of the box. That's you, Johnny. How can you stare at a TV that's still in a box? You tell me, I took mine out of the box the first night I moved in.

It looks like your place had been robbed by like very thorough thieves who left almost nothing behind. Except for like a box set of the golden girls, some crumpled up cellophane, maybe a fork.

It's really depressing. So then I'm thinking you get on the air and you're like, say, friends, what if you're like me and your household is totally depleted? You're going to need

these 10 essential gifts for the holidays. Then you're like, how about something for that guy in your life with too many remotes? Like a remote headband. There's such a thing as a remote headband? It's just like a regular headband. It only holds all your remotes. Or the shoe umbrella. What is that?

It's two little umbrellas that bolt onto the top of your shoes. Say you're walking around in the rain with your remote control headband. Now you've got a regular umbrella to keep your headband and your remotes and your head dry. But your feet are getting soaked. What do you need? Umbrellas. One on each shoe. I mean, I don't know about these ideas.

Okay, let's talk about the wireless toilet paper dispenser. How many times have you complained to me about your toilet paper not coming out? I've never talked to you about my toilet paper. Someone has been complaining to me a lot, and I'm pretty sure it was you, and with a wireless toilet paper dispenser. Because, I mean, as far as I know, old toilet paper dispensers are wireless. Don't get smart with me. You go to the bathroom. You reach up to your headband.

You press one button on a remote. Make sure it's not the other six or seven remotes you have attached to your headband, like for your blender or your vegematic or your juicer or your quezenard. But a toilet paper remote, it's like... Perfect little serving size of toilet paper. What more could you ask for? I guess, I mean, I'm accustomed to doing it the old-fashioned way. Can I tell you something about Generation Y? They're like, oh, you still rip off toilet paper by hand.

We use our Bluetooth toilet paper, infrared laser technology. You know how the time you'd save, just ripping toilet paper, you could finish that novel you keep promising. Now, what do you get the foodie in your life? The watermelon cooler. What is that? Just like a cooler, only it's round, and it plugs in, it keeps your watermelon. It rolls on wheels.

So I don't understand. Why don't you just put your watermelon in an ice bucket? Ice bucket. What are you an animal? Ice buckets are good for severed limbs at accident sites. They're not good for carrying watermelon. Get with the program, Johnny. Well, I mean...

Okay. How about when you're in your car? Remember when you were trying to email me and you didn't have your phone, so you were trying to use your laptop and you almost crashed? No, I don't remember ever doing that. Yeah, you're always like, oh, my extension cord from my modem doesn't reach. I'm driving down the road. Email you later.

I've... They now make an ergonomic laptop holder for your steering wheel. for your steering wheel. I can't believe that that's legal. Maybe you're like, oh, wow, we're going 178 kilometers an hour down a mountain. Now it would be a good time to upload a new image for my LinkedIn profile, so I start getting some job leads. Boop, boop, boop.

Oh, my wrists feel fantastic. Boop, boop, boop. Maybe I'll binge watch something on Netflix. Boop, boop, boop. What's that beep, boop? What's that supposed to be? It's simulating the way computers were. Uh-huh.

Now, who here has the most disgusting pal feed you've ever seen? You do, right, Johnny? Well, I got the solution for you. Oh, what is that? A foot tanner. A foot tanner. Who has the time to take off all their clothes and undergarments and elaborate hosiers and garters? With your foot tanner, you just pop off your loophers and step right in.

You know, Gregor, I mean... Sorry, Johnny, how about this one? You remember how you went to that party the other night and you were like, what do I do with my hands? How can I hold my wine glass with my hands? I mean, I think I know how to hold a wine goblet with my hands. Goblet. What are you, a turkey?

You don't know how to hold a wine glass holder. That's why they sell a wine glass holder necklace. A wine glass holder necklace. You go to parties. You got one. hand like a little, I don't know, plastic tray full of crackers and cheese cubes. You got in the other hand crudeité, your hands are full. And someone's like, oh, sir, would you like a glass of wine? Oh, I'd be rude to refuse. But where will I hold it? Oh, I know. In my wine glass neck holder.

Just slap it in there, my good man, and put a crazy straw on my tab. I don't understand. I mean, how can you enjoy a glass of wine that's strapped to your neck? You just tilt your head back in. Ah, that is some good wine. Okay, Gregor, I'm not talking about any of these gifts on my show. Johnny, do you understand you're going to get all this stuff just for shilling? about it on the radio I don't think I want...

You're sitting on the toilet toilet paper roll is like your feet are a gorgeous shade of burnt umber like freshly roasted bread in the corner

you got a giant ice cold watermelon chilling now you tell me is that Johnny winning or is this Johnny winning All right Gregor I thank you for the idea

I'll think about it you think about it Johnny you think about it all the way to the bank and remember nothing says happy holidays like a cool watermelon

You're familiar with the miracle of Hanukkah, ask the father. The family had just finished their Hanukkah meal and were lounging in the living room, eating a dessert of potato lotkas. Of course, replied the eldest son. He was a bright, eager boy who lived for his father's approval. Unfortunately for him, his father approved of very little. The temple's supply of oil, the boy blurted out, his voice cracking. There was only enough for one day, but the lights burned for eight.

It was a miracle, allowed the father, and as far as miracles go, it certainly wasn't a bad one. There were better miracles? asked the youngest son. Well, said the father, stroking his cheek, tomudically, who am I to pit miracles against miracles? But Gene Tunney stealing the heavyweight title from Jack Dempsey, to me, rank slightly higher. Anyway, one man's opinion.

No disrespect to the Almighty. It seemed the father wasn't even impressed by God, which offered the eldest boy some degree of comfort. He knew his father had been drinking Manashevitz since he'd come home from Shul earlier that evening, and he knew it put his father in a whimsical, imaginative mood, and as eldest he considered it his duty to reign in his father's whimsy, to ensure his younger brothers were not made confused. But to make one day's supply last eight days, insisted the eldest,

that is indeed glorious, and speaks of the Lord's, munificence. He'd heard his Hebrew teacher use the word, and although he wasn't exactly sure what it meant, he knew it made the Lord sound impressive. Look, I'm the very first to admit it's not bad at all, said the father, but life is full of miracles. Take these pants I'm wearing. They should have lasted five, maybe six years, but here I am wearing them after ten. I should throw them out already, said the mother, wiping her hands on a dish towel as she entered the room. There are no miracles that involve pants, the boy cried. Should I remind you, said the father, of the story of Rabbi Moisha Hershkowitz's self-multiplying

pantaloons? But there's even better stories than that. The father craned forward in a seat and with eyes opened wide, shared the tale of the magical single-use contact lens he accidentally left in. for four days to no-will effect, followed by the parable of the disposable bick razor, supposed to last just two or three shaves, but, miraculously, only made his skin bleed after the fifth. But the Hanukkah oil was the essence of the soul, argued the boy. The temple glowed like angels with their hair on fire. He looked at his younger brothers to see if his words

were making an impression. You speak of oil, said the father, waving his head. hand dismissively. What if I were to tell you about one meal's worth of turkey that lasted eight? Turkey? The middle child asked. Turkey, with so little meat, said the father, arms outstretched, that you could look right through it. And yet, miracle of miracles, for eight days and eight nights, your mother and I supped upon turkey sandwiches. We ate from the rump, we ate from the legs. There was always more. Every time I returned to the refurb. refrigerator, something new there was, something we'd missed. To be honest, the mother said, calling them turkey sandwiches was our way of making believe. There was so little turkey in them,

they were really bread and mustard sandwiches, nothing sandwiches. And when there really was nothing, said the father, we used the bones for soup. This is when we first got married, said the mother. We had very little, not like now. Tell us about when you were young, said the the youngest. How you met, said the middle. Can we get back to the story of Hanukkah, said the eldest. Your father begged and begged for a date, a single date, the mother said, and this single date turned into two, then three, into 20 years. That is a miracle, the father said. Sometimes things last, and we just don't understand why, said the mother. Like the gas in the car, said the the father looking upon the eldest. On the night you were born. What do you mean? asked the boy.

I was out of town selling cloth like always, when I got the call that your mother was in labor. The boy had never heard this story. I drove for a hundred miles straight, the father said, the whole way the empty light was illuminated. The word illuminated is a holy word, the eldest son said quietly. We use it when speaking of minoras and temples, not dashboards. The wise man sees that all things are illuminated, that everything is a miracle, said the father. And upon confirming himself, a wise man lifted the last remaining Latka up to his mouth, where its oil illuminated his lips just before disappearing. So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you, pure bliss.

It's so good that when you finish the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule. What now? Personally, is here for you. It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. I need your bright red trousers.

I don't own any red trousers. We both know you do. Why do you need bright red trousers? They're for my Santa suit. Your Santa suit doesn't come with pants? When I'm wearing them every day, they get a little funky. Why are you wearing a Santa suit every day? I needed some extra money for the holidays.

I took a job. I dress up as Santa. I go to office parties. I'm part of a guild. You are? A brotherhood. A bright red brotherhood. It's funny. I don't think of you is so jolly. I've got ho-ho-hoes in every area code. I'm not even sure what that means. Let me hear your ho-ho-ho. The point is this. I was at an office party for one of these tech firms, right?

And, you know, people come up and selling your laps, you know, you're there to give them a Christmas memory, right? Uh-huh. But this one woman, she really seemed to like Santa. She just ran her hands up and down the suit, fondled the buttons, touched my beard, jingled my bells. There was clearly something going on. Okay.

A lot going on. Oh, is that so? We really hit it off. She ended up inviting me to her place. Wow. Right? As you know, I've been very lonely. I know that.

And she made me feel wanted. She made me feel human. She made me feel like a real person. Yeah. Here's the thing. We get to her place. And, you know, I sit down on the couch and, obviously, I want to get more comfortable, right? I've been wearing the Santa suit for, I don't know, three hours straight.

So I started to take the hat off, you know, the jacket. But, you know what she says to me? No, no. don't leave it on keep it all on keep the suit on keep the suit on all of it this lady really likes Santa and as a result we've gotten together about five or six times subsequently and every time she's made me wear the Santa suit the whole time wait I'm sorry was who when you get together let me be clear this is not just hanging out at her place yeah we've gone out to dinner I've met her friends I

met her family dressed as Santa Claus No one finds that odd? It's the holiday season, so they probably think I'm just really enthusiastic about Christmas. And this is why I need extra pants, because I'm starting to look like a homeless Santa. Do you wear a fake beard? I've grown a real one. Is your beard white? Icing sugar.

And what about your gut? That's O'Natural. Uh-huh. All this has been fun. It sounds like a ball. But lately it's been getting a bit weird. Maybe even bad weird Because this has been good weird so far

Tolerable weird? Mm-hmm I have carpal tunnel syndrome from jingling bells You know how hard it is to jingle all the way Sometimes I only jingle part of the way It's gotten kind of dangerous, John How do you mean? I fear for my life

Why is that? It's no longer enough for her For me to come in through the front door What do you mean? She makes me come down the chimney No, she doesn't And you just knew she'd have a chimney I got stuck in there

No access to bathroom facilities Or dignity Hey laugh away But I was stuck in there for four hours Terrifying I'm claustrophobic How did you finally get out of there

I don't really want to talk about it There was a plunger A chimney plunger It wasn't Dick Van Dyke who got me out of there It was the fire department Jim Chim Chimony Chim Chiris Dress up as Santa for a lady who's crazy

And here's a thing. When I was forcibly taken out of the chimney, I was covered head to toe in soot. Right. She offered to bathe me. Well, okay. With the suit on, wouldn't let me take it off. So you had to bathe in the suit? I so much as embuttoned my collar, and she becomes disgusted.

It's full Santa or no, Sander? Josh, I mean, I hate to be unsupportive of your, you know, relationships, I guess. That's right, it is a relationship. But, I mean... She's very important to me. Well, it's... She called me her little snowflake. Josh, this really doesn't sound healthy to me.

I guess you're right. I mean, what's going to happen when Christmas is over? I guess there's always Easter. Can I borrow your bunny suit? Look, why don't you just try telling her that, you know, you want her to accept you for who you are? I don't know if I have the fortitude. I'm actually, I am really afraid of losing her.

I mean, if you won't accept the man in the Santa suit, then I guess you don't really have her. I guess you're right. I mean, it kills me to hear it, but you're right. Oh, that's her calling right now. She's probably calling about our date tonight. We're going to a reindeer farm. Josh, you should tell her how you feel.

Okay, I'm going to do it. Hold the line. Okay. She just broke up with me. Josh, I'm really sorry. Yeah. I mean, I don't have any dinner plans this evening. I mean, you know, I enjoy hanging out with you, you know. Not Santa, but, you know, but Josh.

You mean that? Sure. Why don't you come over and we'll go out for dinner or something? It'd be nice to take a break from lugging around this gift sack. You've been carrying around a gift sack? sack? She made me gift-wrapped presents. You have gift? You have gifts? Well, they're not real gifts. I just gift-wrapped some dirty dishes and old egg cartons, but we can have fun on wrapping them.

Each year on Christmas, my grandmother would allow us to wheel her bed into the center of the living room, where she would share with us stories of early Stettel life. As we ate our squares of sponge cake, she delighted us with tales of fiddlers of fiddling. Mr. Goldstein, join me Moldstein. Why don't you come outside to play, buy me a meal like it's your birthday. Oh, God.

This office does stink like stress and pen ink. Come join me in singing and you'll not be a think. Hi. What are you doing here? I was delivering a singing telegram. That was a singing telegram. A singing telegram? Yes.

Where do you get these ideas? First of all, this is a job. It's a job. Yes. Who's the singing telegram from? I got, that one was from me. Oh, I see. That scene telegram was from me.

So you're delivering your own telegrams? It was a singing telegram telling you how your office stinks. Uh-huh. But also asking you if going to join me. Where? In the nut house? Singing telegrams. Because it's very hard to harmonize with one's self.

Down by the old, down by the old mills, scream the old mills. Doesn't work. Okay, Howard, I have a job, and I'm in the middle of trying to do it. I understand. It's just the holidays are coming up, and seeing telegrams are in, you know, real high demand right now, and we're short-handed. And we can use someone with your kind of voice skills on our team, because you're not really a baritone. You're more of a baritone. You're kind of like, we wish you a Merry Christmas.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. Look, every time you open a Christmas card or Hanukkah card, you're going to get a paper card. That's guaranteed. When have you ever? I've never gotten it. Every time. I'll get 30, 40, 40 paper cards. cuts from one card.

From one card? From one card. I'll send you an article about that because it's actually a big problem. Oh, is it? Yes. You might as well just be unsheathing a knife. That's what they discovered. By opening a Christmas card.

Yes, and children. Children are in peril. Okay. But a singing telegram, there's no such threat. There's no risk at all. Oh. Okay. It's good for the environment.

So you're starting a singing telegram company to protect the environment? I didn't start the company. Okay, I got hired. I got hired by this guy, Benny. Benny. Big Benny the barber. Big Benny the barber. And it's his thing, but...

What do you live, like, in a Depression-era comic strip? This has really taken off. I deliver 20 messages a day. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I mean, Benny gives me the address. Okay, and he gives me the message. It's just a very fun way to spread good cheer.

And what kind of messages do these people usually send with these singing telegrams? Happy Hanukkah or Eid or Kwanza, whatever it is, and friendly reminders. Just yesterday, I had to show up at this guy's office, and I had to see his face, and I sang. Mr. Carmelo, hello, hello, we haven't forgotten you owe us some de Niro, so pay up or croak. What kind of song is that? I don't know. It's like a inside joke or something like that. I don't know. Because that's a very unusual, that's a very unusual message. All kinds. All kinds. Birthday greetings, love letters.

You've delivered love letters. There was one I remember. It was like holiday time. Sure is fine. We'll surely have fun. I'll pull up my gun. Again, Howard. I mean, that doesn't sound like a normal message. That was a love letter to his sweetie. With the word gun in it. What else is going to rhyme with fun? It doesn't sound normal to me.

What other, what other methods? Like, for example, there's ones I've done, how do I go, yeah. What would you say if I broke both legs so you couldn't stand up and walk out on me? That kind of thing. It sounds like you're threatening people. It's just a song, John. It's just a song. Look, this morning I had to surprise someone in the underground parking lot.

In an underground parking lot. How'd I go, you better not be planning on skipping town, or in your bathtub, you might drown to do the right thing and pay up while I sing, or you might lose an ear. Yes, you might lose an ear, and your wife will be widowed by morning, like that kind of thing. Howard, it sounds like you're working for the mob. What? What do you mean? Howard, Howard, you're being hired to deliver threats to people who, it seems, owe the mafia money. Though I don't understand why they would be having you do it as a song.

That to me seems very strange The song part That was kind of more That was kind of more my idea What are you talking about? I mean Big Benning just told me He just gave me a message to deliver to people I just thought it would be more interesting

If I made them rhyme and I added a melody So this was It's your idea to sing these threats They're not threats, they're telegrams They're singing telegrams I mean he was giving me this messenger job And I've always wanted to be a singing telegram guy I...

Howard, you're a singing goon for the mafia See, I think this could take what makes a very stressful day or a moment a lot more fun. And danceable and memorable. You better watch out. You better not cry. You're going to get hit, and most surely will die. And don't even think of trying to leave town. I got a big surprise that I'm born a city, it's your way.

It's a wonderful time everybody let's celebrate. Get down. I'm feeling real good because today is a good day. On Water year past, brand new chance. Special thanks to Joseph Keckler. Wiretap is produced by Mira Bertwintonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. Here's wishing you a safe and healthy holiday from the Wiretap team. The only thing we want for Christmas, aside from your happiness and continued prosperity, is a nice iTunes review.

So if you get a chance, let us know how you feel. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.ca.