Wiretap - Halloween Special 2012: Murder on the WireTap Express

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Gregor markets a talking Howard Doll that he thinks is to die for. Trouble is, he may be all too right...

Hi, everybody. I'm J.B. Poisson and I host Frontburner. It's Canada's most listened to daily news podcast. Just the other day, we were in a story meeting talking about how we can barely keep up with what's going on in Canada and the world right now. And like, it's our job to do that. So if you are looking for a one-stop shop for the most important and interesting news stories of the day, we've got you. Stop doom scrolling. Follow Frontburner instead. This is a CBC podcast. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Halloween Special 2012. Murder on the Wiretap Express.

Johnny. Gregor. Hey, hey, hey. Look what I have for you. I'm excited about this. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the doll. Hold on a second. Let me unwrap it. Okay.

Oh, look at this. What do you think? This is your first glimpse of the official license. wiretap merchandise. What? Kids across the land are going to want one for Christmas, and Hanukkah. You told me that you are going to be creating the Jonathan Goldstein action figure. Action figure.

Complaining does not qualify as action, my friend. This isn't me. It's a Howard doll. Yeah? This was supposed to be a Jonathan doll. I was looking forward to that. Fine. You know what?

I was trying to spare your feelings. Look. See this? That's the Jonathan doll. It looks greasy. It's tiny and greasy. That isn't the blueprints that I signed off. I had a manufacturer in Taiwan.

I sent your specs to and photographs of you. No, you didn't. You know what the problem is? They nailed you. It looks exactly like you. No, it does not look exactly like. The thing we had with, remember, it was going to have a cape. There was going to be a microphone, an accessory.

I did audience polling analysis on this. I tested it out. I focused grouped it. And you know what happened? People left the room. They could not stand to be in the room with that creepy little voodoo version of you with its beady little rat eyes and its. and it's greasy farhead.

You know, I mean children weep and... I get it. It was nauseating. So I said to myself, who else do we have on the show who's syndicatable?

Maybe that other guy, Howard, will make him into a doll. Guess what happened? What? Everybody loved the Howard doll. Of course they're going to like the Howard doll better. It's got a big grin on his face.

That's right. The little pug accessories that come with it. Right. What are we going to have as your accessory? A towel on your floor that hasn't been washed in six years?

Okay. You know what I'm going to get for my birthday? A sink full of dirty dishes from the Jonathan Gold's action hero set. I get, all right, fine. Anyway, stop being such a fussy guss. Look on the back of Howard doll.

You see what this is? It's a string. See what happens when you pull it? I like Shuvlacky. It's a talking Howard doll. Have a little fun. Loosen up. Pull the string.

Okay, fine. Jonathan Goldstein's an idiot. Howard would never say that. That's more something a Gregor doll would say. That's going to be a new catchphrase for a generation, and it's a very useful one. You just wait and see. I'll tell you something else about this Howard

doll. Yeah. He's a good listener. He's a better listener than you. The kids are going to want to talk to it. Tell him their problems. Pull this chord, the sound of listening. That doesn't sound like he's listening. It sounds like he's drooling, thinking about his next meal. You know what you are? You're a neg bummer. This doll is not just fun. It's also educational. Like, check this out. Mooching from friends means never having to get a job. Now check this out. To avoid a mess, always make a mess. Always make you.

wine in a friend's bathtub instead of your own. That is all terrible advice. This doll's as bad as the Johnny doll. I'll tell you what, Johnny. Why don't you take both these dolls home? Carry them around for a week in your fanny pack, and you tell me which one gives you more pleasure. Staring at your own horrifying mug or Howard.

Gregor, you can't sell that doll to children. Too late. Already left the distribution centers. It's going to be on shelves by the end of this week. Over my dead body, are we going to be selling this Howard doll? Trust me, he'll grow on you. Listen to me, okay? He's to die for. To die for.

To die for, Johnny. Why are you saying that? Die. Die, Die, Johnny, Die, Die,

Die, as per Wednesday, October 31, 7 p.m. As per Gregor's suggestion, I've taken the Johnny and Howard dolls home.

I place them on the shelf above my desk, and I sit by the window awaiting trick-or-treaters. As is the case every year, I've prepared a healthy assortment of spirulina and seaweed biscuits, and as is the case every year, my doorbell goes unwrung. I get up from my perch by the window and return to my desk to lose myself in some late-night journaling.

It is then that I see that the Johnny doll has somehow fallen off the shelf. Even as a doll, I am doomed to be crowded off the edge by Howard. Let's see what the little bully has to say for himself. John's my best friend. God, that is creepy. 8.30 p.m.

All Hallows Eve always reminds me of childhood. No one ever appreciated my Nietzsche costume. What could be scarier than nihilism? I mean, zombies and vampires are one thing, but... Ow! What the... It seems a box of thumbtacks has fallen off my shelf and scattered across my desk. One's even lodged its point in the flesh of my hand,

which is dripping blood all over this journal entry. I glance up to see the Howard doll, tilted forward on his perch, as though peering over the edge, grinning down at me with that plastic smile of his. I prop him back upright against the stack of books, and as I do, his cord catches. Don't be afraid, little one, how he's watching over you. A shiver runs down my spine.

It must be a draft. I think I might need a cup of tea. 9 p.m. Returning to my den with a pot of chamomile, I discover both Howard and Johnny lying fallen on my desk, right beside my antique brass letter opener. It seems Howard's pull cord has become tangled around Johnny's neck. I pick up the Johnny doll and examine him, make sure he hasn't been damaged.

You know, upon closer inspection, this Johnny doll is actually kind of cute. But as for this Howie doll, This thing is giving me the willies. I decide to dispose of the little troublemaker once and for all. Off to the garbator with you, you little devil. Error, error, beware, beware. You're just this thing ungodly. Good riddance.

Thank you for being afraid. 10.45 p.m. I'm awoken by an odd sound coming from the den. Perhaps the humidifier fell over onto the dehumidifier again. I'd best get up and look into it. Now, how did you get on the floor, little Johnny? Huh. I never noticed this before.

It looks like you've got a string, too. Monday. Monta. Fantastic. You totally nailed it, little guy. I think Gregor was wrong about you. Yesterday, my grandmother died. I don't remember that one.

Yeah, that was a classic monologue. And today, you will die. What the hell? There's only room for one Jonathan Gouldt. I didn't even pull the cord. Prepare to die. What is that green smoke coming out of its mouth? Is that gas?

Jonathan Goldstein is dead. Long live, Jonathan Goldstein. Can't breathe. What have he done? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hey, Johnny, it's me, Gregor. You're probably sleeping off your Halloween candy house.

hangover, but I just want to leave you word. It's a no-go on the wiretap collectibles, my friend, so you can throw away those dolls. Repeat, throw away those dolls. They're being recalled. It seems there was some kind of mix-up. The same factory in China that made them also makes weapons for the U.S. Army or something. There's also something about the factory that built them was built on some cursed Chinese graveyard. Anyway, the good news is we really dodged a bullet on that one, Johnny.

Oh, call me back so I can tell you about my new idea. I got an idea for a wiretap board game instead. We're going to spell it board like B-O-R-E-D, get it? R-E-D, get it, board game, as your show is so boring, so they're able to all this is a good. Gather around the radio, boys and girls, or should I say, boys and ghouls. It's time for Tales of the Strange with me, your host, Johnny Gould's Scream. On today's program, A Journey to the Future.

The year is 2050. A father reclines in a hover chair as he tells us. his son a bedtime story. His son floats near the ceiling of their hover home, bundled in his anti-gravitational bedsheets. Once upon a time, long ago, there was a boy who kept asking questions. Questions like, why are we alive, and what is our destiny? You mean that back in the older days, humans didn't know what greater purpose they were meant to serve on Earth? no son they did not and not only that but other than a handful of curious children most people thought such questions a waste of time how bizarre indeed for you see back then to ponder such questions suggested you were not working hard enough what is work father why it is what people did with their time all to no greater good and all the while they'd no idea of the truth

as he said this the child floated down to his father's lap and curled up upon his knee that's right they'd no idea that below their feet crawled highly evolved highly advanced beings who were their superiors in every way. How stupid of him. Well, son, how could they have ever possibly known that those cockroaches, as they called them, had been developing technologies that exceeded their wildest imagining and were in fact about to overthrow them?

And when they got wise to it, it was already too late. We learned all about that in history class. That's right, son. Humans saw the roaches numbers steadily multiply, but they never thought much of it. And then by the beginning of the 21st century, when they banded together and swarmed the White House like a thick brown fog, there was nothing the human race could do. The cockroaches could not be vanquished. I feel sad for those humans who existed so long ago, Father. They were so ignorant. know, son, and they are so much happier now that they've been rounded up and attached to

tube supplying them with opiates that keep them blissful. For did you know, son, that it is these humans that supply our society with power, your hoverbed, your time machine, your hologram record player, all powered by the blinking human eyelids that have been attached to electrodes in our homosestine. sapien power plants, the very finest renewable resource there is. Perhaps we might go visit one of these power plants, father. You mean visit the human eyelid blinking power supply company? Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea.

The father kisses his child good night, and then, using his six arms, picks up his son and hugs him affectionately. and the son, using his antenna, strokes his father's head. I can't believe the humans never knew that we so-called cockroaches are secretly their overlords. If you're absolutely loving your summer read and don't want the book to be over, your experience doesn't actually have to end when you finish reading. I'm Matea Roach, and on my podcast bookends, I sit down with authors to get the inside scoop behind the books you love. Like, why Emma Donoghue is so fascinated by trains, or how Taylor Jenkins read feels about being a celebrity author. You can check out bookends with Matea Roach wherever you get your podcasts.

My name is Daniel Cumerlato, and I am one of the founders of a paranormal group known as Haunted Hamilton. And according to your website, you have over 13 years of experience with paranormal investigations. What does an investigation entail? Is it like Ghostbusters, you know, where you walk in and you start blowing stuff up? Yeah, and getting covered in green slime and stuff like that? No, nothing like that. It really does come down to the idea. research looking for keys and connections to the history of the place and to the owner's experiences. Now, when we go in, it would be us, myself and my partner, Stephanie, you'd have the scientific side. So somebody who would come along, usually a skeptic, who would walk in and

just kind of grill all of the evidence that you have. And then on the other side, you would have one or two sensitives or psychics who would read the energy and attempt communication with whatever's in there. So really a perfect investigation is when you can connect all the dots. When you go in and all the experiences are validated and the evidence is strong. And how do you go about actually gathering evidence? Scientific tools could include your EMF detectors, which is electromagnetic field detectors, the usual cameras and digital tape recorders to pick up any evidence or sound. Well, one moment, Daniel.

Sure. Are you hearing... You're hearing some noises on your end? Yeah, it's kind of creepy. There's a weird rumbling that I'm hearing through my headset that my producer isn't hearing on the other side of the glass. Hey, you know, it's not uncommon. We've done interviews in the past.

A few interviews we did here in Hamilton a couple years ago, and we were doing call-in. People phoning in to ask us ghostly questions, and they would cut out, and you would hear strange sounds sometimes, you know, like you're describing. It's almost like something didn't want us to talk to them. Oh, that's strange. So, sorry, go on. Maybe you could tell me about one of your investigations. I'm thinking specifically of the Merritt House, which has been called the Most Haunted House in Canada.

Yes, it was actually connected to the underground railway with a tunnel in the basement. So it has quite the history just from the start. there and the energy that comes up from that. But today it is the home to a couple of local radio stations. Why did they call you in the first place? I mean, what kinds of things were they experiencing? A friend of ours was working there as a DJ. She had a couple of personal experiences with hearing sounds through the headphones like you were mentioning. Oh, really? And just people who worked in the building telling her, I think, one of the experience, they hear footsteps on the stairs. So a little, little,

things were happening. We went in to do the investigation myself, my partner Stephanie, and our two psychics, Kate and Michelle came along. We started out in the basement. They wanted to show us something specific. So they took us to the CD library. Now when they opened the door to the CD library, I'll never forget the looks on their faces. They were looking at us like we did something wrong, like they were angry at us. And when they opened the door, we saw exactly what they were angry about because the previous night to us coming in, thousands of perfectly organized CDs on the one side of the room flew off the wall, hit the opposite wall, and landed on the floor, broken into pieces, something that they would never fake, because this meant

hundreds of man hours to replace the CDs and to reorganize them again, so we knew it was legitimate. Wait, wait, wait, you say that they were looking at you angrily because... They think it's our presence. there as investigators, which is common. When you go into a truly haunted location, the night before or during the week before, things tend to get stirred up. So after we sort of took a brow beating on that one, now we moved on to the first floor. Now, when we were heading up to the first floor, this is when we captured probably the best

EVP, which is electronic voice phenomenon, ghost sound. That's like the sound recordings that you're making. The sound recordings. Yeah. This caused the hair to stand up on the back of her neck. We listen. Daniel? The line just went dead.

It's pretty creepy. Let me try to get him back on the line. Hello? Yes, Daniel. Sorry, yeah, the phone cut out for a second there. That's odd. Yeah, I'm not surprised. This kind of stuff does happen.

You were just about to play a clip tape. So yeah, that was as we're going up the stairs. Kate asked Michelle, she asked a question if the ghosts of the basement could follow us up to the first floor. And Michelle says very clearly no. And right after she says no, there's a sound in there. It sounds just like a woman saying the words don't count on it. So I'll just, I'll play it for you. Okay. I can't say I'm really hearing it, but I'll take your word for it. You did hear something in the stairwell? Oh, see, this is a thing.

With most EVPs, the tape recorder is able to pick up on sounds that the human ear is unable to hear because it's recording at a different frequency. So any EVP, if you talk to any paranormal investigator, they don't hear it in person. That's interesting. It's only on the tape evidence. It's funny because it's sort of like the sound that I keep getting in my headset that I'm not, when I take the headset off, I can't hear in the actual room. You still hearing it?

Yeah. There's a steady hum of it in the background. It comes and it goes. Oh, weird. It's honestly very ghost-like. It's strange. So sorry, so keep going. So, yeah, as we went up to the first floor, we went over to what was the dining room, And Stephanie was telling a bit of the history of the building.

And as she's talking, another sound came through. And what it sounds like to us, it was saying the words, of course, Stephanie. It actually said her name. It said, of course, Stephanie. I don't know. I mean, you listen to the sound and see what you think. Okay, let's give that a listen. What do you say to people who don't believe in ghosts

or who might think you're making this stuff up? When it comes to the paranormal, there's just not a lot of respect out there for the field. Mankind is just set to want to prove things are real or not real, and if they can't prove it, well, some people will say, oh, then that means it doesn't exist. I think really what it comes down to is ghosts, our energy. Just like everything around us is made of energy, we're made of energy. So if somebody

were around during life, they built up energy over the years, and then they die, is it really hard to believe that they would leave something of themselves behind? From my own personal experiences, and I've had many, that I could not explain, I'm not a 100% believer. I don't believe every ghostly piece of evidence that's handed to me. But I do know there is something out there, something that's unknown, and it doesn't bother me that I don't know what it is. In the end, what's so wrong with that? In a way, Halloween is a celebration of the unknown.

We wear costumes that mask our identities so we can express our true, secret selves with impunity. Whether that secret self is a villain, a sex pot, or just a drunken fool, it is given one night to shine, and that can be liberating, even romantic. But the next day,

when things return to normal, the unknown can be frustrating. Who was that masked man? How do we track down that fair damsel? Well, one way is to turn to the missed connections from Halloween night. Ghostbuster.

woman for man Greenwich Village You The Ghostbuster at Amy's party You had dark hair And dashing good looks Me Cute long girl

That would like to buy you a beer This weekend Who you gonna call This girl If the slipper fits Man for Woman Sapphire Lounge I was Maveritt from Top Gun

And you were Cinderella We locked eyes a few times Around the dance floor but I didn't have the guts to ask you to dance. I will forever regret that. I guess I should have dressed up as Prince Charming. To the priest at Sky Club, man for man, Montreal. You were the priest dancing on the bar around midnight.

I was Liza Minnelli, cheering you on. I'd love to see you again sometime. I've got some sins to confess. Desperately seeking Superman. Woman for Man. Calgary. Does anyone know who that Superman was at O'Sullivan's on Friday? We talked for hours, but I went to buy us a drink,

and when I came back, he had disappeared. I'd really love to see him again. I'm just so sick of Lex Luthor's. All dressed. Man for Woman, London. Dear ketchup girl, from the moment I saw you across the room at Casey's house party, I knew I'd find a way to mess things up.

I was the guy in the hot dog costume who kept staring at you awkwardly. I spent all night trying to think of the perfect pickup line. I feel naked without you. You complete me. Or the crasser. How do you like my buns? It was just too much pressure.

I hope I bump into you again some time. Man for a woman, Halloween bash. You were dressed as Einstein. I was Indiana Jones. You jumped off the stage into my arms. I held you for an almost awkward amount of time. Einstein may have proven that E equals MC squared, but my feelings for you are anything but relative.

Betty Boop, I want you back. Woman for woman, Brooklyn. How can you deny we're meant to be together? watching you at the party with that stupid witch was torture. Don't you know I still love you? Signed, Snow White. On Wiretap today, you heard Gregor Erlich, Howard Chackwitz, Dave Bronstetter, Ben B. Seion, and Daniel, Daniel Kermelado. To see photos of Daniel's investigation of the Merit House, visit

hauntedhamilton.com. You also heard a selection of missed connections written by Craigslist Hope Bowls and Mirabert Wintonic. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.com.