Wiretap - Know Your Strengths

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

What are you good at? Sitting up straight? Picking out flowers? Picking fights? We're exploring the world of hidden talents, and how sometimes, someone's biggest weakness can turn out to be their biggest strength.

Hi, everybody. I'm J.B. Poisson and I host Frontburner. It's Canada's most listened to daily news podcast. Just the other day, we were in a story meeting talking about how we can barely keep up with what's going on in Canada and the world right now. And like, it's our job to do that. So if you are looking for a one-stop shop for the most important and interesting news stories of the day, we've got you. Stop doom scrolling. Follow Frontburner instead. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Know Your Strengths. Shanghai Palace. Can you hold?

Hi there. Hi, how are you this evening? Fine, thanks. I have a reservation for two under Mark. Let me see here. Here you are. Take a seat anywhere you'd like. Okay. And I'll be with you shortly with some menus. Great, thanks.

I'm good at being on time for first dates. I'm good at not looking too uncomfortable while I wait. Hi, are you Mark? Oh, hi. Stephanie. I'm good. I'm good at being fashionably late. No worries, not at all. I just got here myself.

Here, let me get your chair for you. Oh, thanks. I'm good at showing I was raised right. I'm good at masking my disappointment when somebody doesn't live up to their online profile picture. That dress looks great on you, by the way. I should have said that earlier. This little thing? I'm good at finding something nice to wear from the clearance rack.

Do you call that a mossy green? I'm not sure, I guess. I'm good at setting up straight, but not too straight. Really? Yeah, and... I'm good at making the best of things. Honeysuckle, but I think they should change it to DeMas Green. Well, that's true.

I'm good at putting people at ease with my warm smile. I'm good at overlooking crooked teeth. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, I'm good at taking charge. We'd love to order some wine if we could. Sure. I'm not a real connoisseur or anything. How about the... I'm good at deciding on a wine within 10 seconds or less.

Rose. I'll be right back with that. Tuchet on the rosé. Oh, shoot. I'm sorry. I'm good at deciding he's not the one within ten seconds or less. No, it's fine. It's not a beginning.

I'm such nervous of wreck sometimes. I'm just, I'm so sorry. I remember we would bike up and down the main street. I remember we would bike up and down the main street just all day. I'm good at painting vivid tabloes from my childhood. I'm good at daydreaming when people talk about the past. She had tinted windows, and so it's like rolled down and then right. Wow.

I'm good at keeping my cuticles rounded. Yeah, it's not fun. Are you ready to order? Oh, I think so. Yeah. The chef's specialty tonight is the pork and coriander ductlings are really excited. I am good at appearing open to the waitress's suggestions. That sounds nice.

And then ordering the same thing I always get. I think I'm going to go with the Singapore noodles with an order of spring rolls to share. Or no, imperial rolls. Let's go with those. And for yourself? Steemed vegetables with ginger and a cider brown rice. I'm good at avoiding foods that make me look like a slob. Thank you.

So, are you a runner, Stephanie? Not so much. Yeah, I've been into running for a few years now. I am good at filling awkward silences. I do one marathon a year. This year I finished in just under four hours, which is a breakthrough for me. I'm good at knowing just how fast I can claim to have run a marathon without someone calling me on it. Really?

It's not really competitive for me. I'm good at pretending I give a shit. That's quite an accomplishment. It's sort of a game to play against yourself. Craig is pretty sexy, I guess. No way, Sean Connery, for sure, hands down the best bond. I'm good at winning arguments. Okay, if you say so, I don't really know.

I'm good at making men think that they're smarter than me. Why, this wine is quite tasty. Shall I top you up, Stephanie? You seem quite fond of the drink. I'm good at impressions. I'm good at laughing very loudly at things that aren't even remotely funny. You know what you say quat in these spring rolls, wouldn't you say? Sure, whatever you say.

Hey, Bub. I'm good at knowing when to call people Bub. Did you know that a 13-year-old male line will have slept for 11 years of his life? I'm good at working fun bits of trivia into conversation naturally. I'm good at pretending I didn't just hear that burp. I'm good at maintaining eye contact. I'm good at maintaining eye contact. I'm good at maintaining an air of mystery.

Hmm. How was your weekend? Um, it's good. Busy. You know, I went to a dinner party on Friday night and brunch on Saturday. I'm good at using television as a companion. So if you don't mind me asking, um, why is a woman like you still single? I'm good at getting past superficial chit chat.

I guess you'd have asked my ex that... I'm good at remembering things I'd much rather forget. Anyways, let's talk about something else. Whoever he was, he made a mistake letting you go. I'm good at giving compliments. I'm good at believing bullshit from men. How about another glass of wine then, Mish? Tempting, but I better not. I'm working in the morning.

I'm good at battling my inner demons. Oh, okay, sure. What the hell, why not? I'm good at not following my own advice. I'm good. at making the sexy eyes. I'm good at resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Cheers. I love fortune cookies.

I haven't had one of these in a long time. I never eat the cookie, but I like the fortunes. My mom used to collect them in her jewelry box when we were kids. Mine says happiness follows wherever you go. Nice. Mine says Pride is a virtue But not when blinded by stubbornness

Well that's kind of a bummer Yeah, here let's trade You can have mine instead it's Better fit for you anyway Oh Thank you That's really sweet See now we've just traded fates

Did we? I guess we'll see about that Oh shoot, I'm sorry It's fine Oh, what a mess I'm so sorry It's getting kind of late Oh. I should probably head out soon. Sure.

Let me just call the waitress. Are we here? Yeah, we're here. So, Steph, this has been really lovely. Thanks for the offer, but I really do have to catch up on some work to. catch up on some work tonight. I'm good at making excuses. Maybe next week or something?

Um, yeah, sure. I'm good at getting a second date. Oh, but I don't actually have your number. The dating site only lists your email. Oh, right. It's, um, yeah, 514-677-7. I'm good at giving fake phone numbers. Cool, cool, awesome.

I will definitely give you a call really soon, but I mean, not too soon, not like tomorrow or anything. I'll call you in a few days. I really look forward to seeing you again soon. Actually, Mark, that was my office number. Let me give you my cell. It'll just be easier to get in touch. Oh, great, yeah.

That'll be better for sure. Yeah, we can text. It's 514-9-14-2-25-5-5-1-5-1-givens chances. All right, I got it. Well, see you soon, Steph. See you, Bub. I'm good at... helping things work out this time.

My name is Liam. I'm 13 years old, and I'm good at dancing, but only one nobody's watching. My name is Maya. I'm seven years old, and I am good at lifting my eyebrow. You mean you can lift one at a time? Yeah, I can do that. And when do you get to use that talent? When nobody's laughing and somebody needs a joke or something? That's when you just step in and you raise one of your eyebrows and you lighten the mood in the room?

Yeah, but normally after that, I fart, and that's what makes everybody laugh. My name is Bella. I'm 12 years old, and I am good at savoring things. You're good at savoring things. Yes. I have an Easter bunny in the freezer from last Easter. All I've eaten is the ears. My name is Daniel. I'm nine years old, and I'm good at Lord of the Rings in person,

nations. There's this guy who wants the ring, and he talks like this. My bless you. You're talking about Ghalm? Yeah. Any other things that Ghalm can say? Like what? Like, I don't know, like, have Gollum in a restaurant.

I'll have the chicken with mashed potatoes. Okay, that's pretty good. Thanks. My name is Britain, and I'm 11 years old, and I am good at impersonating Jonathan Goldstein. You're good at impersonating me? Yes. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Let's hear what you got. Monday. Monday. Monday. I don't know. I can't get that sad kind of weird. You're kind of what? Twist of sadness that you put in.

My name is now. I'm nine years old, and I'm good at being annoying. And do you think that's a talent? Definitely. I'm good at putting Play-Doh in my dad's shoes. Just for the fun of it. Does your dad think it's fun? How does he react to that?

Well, he gets mad. He sees it as a waste of time. Do you have any other things that you do to be annoying? Once I took all of the socks in my friend's mom's room, and I put them in the shredding machine. No, you didn't. Because it was April 1st. Can I ask you something?

Do you think that adults are boring because they never do these kind of shenanigans with each other? They never try to pull pranks on one another? I think that they can be boring. And that, okay, no offense, but... None taken? It's just that I'll just think that there's more things that are more important than having fun.

Sometimes I don't want to grow up. because every adult gets preoccupied by work. They forget that having fun is, well, fun. You know? So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you. Pure bliss. It's so good that when you finish the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule.

What now? Personally is here for you. It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. My name is Jonathan Goldstein. I'm 43 years old.

and I'm good at not having any fun. In fact, at this very moment, I'm excelling at it, for I've just finished dinner at a restaurant with my family. And rather than having been a relaxing evening of catching up on each other's doings, the whole thing had the frantic atmosphere of an Arab market. Prices were argued over, dishes returned, and side orders renegotiated. We now await our complimentary dessert in silence,

as my mother calculates the bill in her head, and my father wraps leftover rolls in paper placemats to take home. So many places to go for coffee, in this neighborhood, my aunt says, making a valiant stab at conversation. Why, yes, I answer. Just this morning I was in the Starbucks down the street, working. They let you work there? she asks. Her tone is incredulous.

Why wouldn't they, I ask, slightly. confused. Isn't that what people do at Starbucks? I know she says. I just didn't know that you worked there. Well, yeah, I say, I mean, once in a while. I had no idea my mother chimes in.

It's only after my father asks if they've taught me the secret to getting the caffeine out of the coffee beans to make decaf, that it dawns on me. My family thinks I work at Starbucks, not writing on a laptop as a paying customer, but

serving coffee as a barista. I can't decide whether I'm more insulted that they'd think my career in such disrepair that I need to take a weekend coffee shop job, or that they can hardly believe Starbucks would actually hire someone like me to work there. After years of working low-paying jobs, often in the field of telemarketing, I always feel like I was seen as the screw-up of the family. And being seen that way was something I became good at. In my 20s, when my mother's friends asked me what it was I did for a living,

I was always happy to elaborate on my telephone sales job, as well as my spoken word band. But my mother would aggressively change the subject before I could get a word out. Afterwards, she'd pull me aside and tell me I didn't have to answer their nosy inquiries. If asked why she was so preemptive, she never say she was ashamed, just protective. And so growing up, I couldn't help hoping that one day I'd prove myself to my family, make them see what I was really capable of. But such things, things in the realm of making your family change the way they see you,

are, of course, impossible. I am still seen, and will likely always be seen, as weird little Johnny, a weirdo capable of weirdly deciding to start moonlighting at a coffee shop. Reciproically, I can't change the way I see my family. I'll always hold them as the ones in the wrong during any restaurant altercation, no matter the circumstances. And in spite of the sympathetic smiles I direct at the waitress, she will not change the way she sees me,

as a member of the family with whom I sat down. Finally, our dessert arrives, and with it the bill. My mother studies it with the intensity of a crime-scene detective while my father carefully wraps coffee cake in napkins that may or may not have already been used. You'll take these to work tomorrow, he says, and I nod my head in agreement with no idea whatsoever as to which work he might be referring to.

We start out in life, not wanting to be conspicuous, and so we try to conceal our weirdness. But then one day, if we're lucky, we start to see that there is virtue in weirdness, in being special, in not playing by the rules. We begin to see that blazing our own path makes us stronger, and that we should therefore stick to what we do best, being ourselves. And should we forget this? We are lucky, too, if we have friends to remind us. Surprise, Johnny. Gregor? I got a big present for you.

What? What is that? You like it? I don't even know what it is. Well, you're welcome. And it looks like some kind of metal with blobs of paint. It's a coat of arms. It looks like a trash can lid.

It's a shield. What am I? Like an errant knight? I don't need a coat of arms. A lot of people, when they get to a certain level of career success, the mansion and the yacht, what else is there to get? I don't have a mansion or a yacht. So I thought, for your, what is it, your 49th birthday? I'm 43.

I was going to make you a family crest. So I did a little research on you, and I wanted something of lasting value that could go over your fireplace that would tell the story of your whole life, not just for you, but for generations to come, so they could look at it. On a trash can lid. It's not a trash can lid. It's a family coat of arms. If you look back all the way through the lineage of kings, they all had family coats

of arms. Okay. All right. So let's take a look at this thing. It's a wonderful pictorial representation of all your accomplishments. You see that on the left? It looks like a Yeti or something. It's not a Yeti. It's a poodle. A toy poodle, in fact. The one creature on this earth that can put up with everything Goldstein. Bouch, the toy poodle. All right. Well, that's very nice homage to me and my dog. There's subtlety to it. Do you see the green crest next to Bouch? It looks like a blob of paint. Is that what you think they said to Michelangelo when the Pope walked in and said, nice ceiling would you get blubs and paint all over it for you laid on your back and shmeared it

and ruined a perfectly good trash can lid i couldn't use that you're admitting that it's a trash can lid it's not a trash can lid it's not a trash can lid i just said it is i was speaking in your voice all right i'm sorry i'm gonna so what is that green thing poo bags that you used to pick up after your dog when you walk and obey city ordinances why would you put a up a poop bag on my coat of arms it tells the story of your relationship with bush that every morning so about one quarter of my family shield is given over to my toy poodle and and its pickup bags. Yeah.

All right. And what is this right beside it? That's Latin. Slanketum unum. I know you like to go home and unwind and stare at your TV screen with a slanket on. I don't wear a slanket. Or whatever. You wear a robe you stole from a hotel.

Now what's underneath that? A sink full of dirty dishes. Again. You think that is so key. You need to own who you are, my friend. Not be like, hey, I'm a fancy guy who smells good. Okay. What's that thing on the right of it?

That's your fanny pack. I don't own a fanny pack. Oh, come on, Johnny. What's that lump under your shirt? Stop touch. Get off of me. I guess, I thought... No, sorry about that.

All right. Okay, and under that? That's an extension cord. Why do I have an extension cord? Because your cord's not long enough to reach to the wall, so you need an extension cord, obviously. You know, I also use a toilet plunger sometimes. I mean, it's not like I'm going to put that on my coat of arms. What do you think this filigree pattern is the side?

Look closely at it. Do you see what those are made of? Toilet plungeers. Criss-crossed. Cricker, okay, you know what? I refuse to accept this. I'm going to have to say no. You're going to learn this practical use for this thing.

You know why you don't want it? I don't want it because it's going to give me tetanus. No, you don't want it because right now no one is shooting staples at you and you don't have to defend yourself. Put down my staple gun, please. Defend yourself. Don't stop. Will you stop it?

You see? Now you're happy that you have a shield. Look at these staples. He's headed for your forehead. Please get out of here. They'd be stabbing your forehead right now if not for the Goldstein shield. No, please go. You're like a night of old, cowering in the corner with your whole body, except for that ankle.

Ow, protected by that shield. I'm good at dodging bullets. I am good at fixing everyone else's problems by my own. I'm good at enthusiastically asking, who's with me when I know no one is. I am good at flirting with cashiers. I am good at finding your long-lost bobby pins. I'm good at deluding myself that breakup songs will never apply to us.

I'm good at getting a sunburn. I'm good at getting better. I am Adam Todd Brown, and I'm good at being fat. Is that something that you've always been good at? Were you overweight as a kid? Yeah, I've been overweight probably soon. around the second or third grade. I don't know if I was always that good at it,

but I eventually figured it out. What does it mean to be good at it, good at being fat? Well, it's, I guess I should say, I mean, I definitely don't encourage people to be overweight, but it's more about understanding that what some people might view as a negative is something you can actually turn around and use to your advantage. And you've actually written an essay on the subject for crack.com,

about the benefits of growing up overweight. So what are some of the benefits? Nobody looks at my Facebook pictures and marvels at how much weight I've gained. I've never really had that problem because I was huge in high school, and I'm about the same size now. Okay, what else? It deflected attention from bigger problems. Like what?

There's a lot of things that kids are going to tease you about. But when you're fat or overweight, that's what people focus on. So if they're going to make a joke about you, they're going to say you're fat because that's the easy joke, and then they'll move on. So if you have any other issues going on in your life, people kind of ignore them. I once went a whole semester wearing nothing but sweatsuits, and I don't know if they assumed it was all I could fit into, but nobody really laughed about that. So it was like a shield almost. It kind of deflected people's attention away from the other issues. That could come in handy.

Any other benefit? Being fat meant I had to learn how to talk to women. It's kind of empowering when you learn that women aren't really, women aren't as shallow as men are. You can usually talk away any physical shortcoming you may have. There was a quote that for some reason, I remember hearing in grade school, although I don't know what kind of grade school curriculum would have called for a quote like this. But it was a quote that's normally attributed to Voltaire, and it's given me 10 minutes to talk away my ugly face, and I'll bed the Queen of France,

which when I was a kid, that said a lot to me. And from there, I kind of forced myself to learn how to approach, not just approach women, but approach people and talk to people and try to make friends. Do you think that growing up overweight made you, in the long run, a better man? I don't know if it made me a better man. I think it just definitely made me more empathetic. I'm empathetic almost to a fault. I had my mother got remarried after my father died, and she married this total jackass. And they got divorced, and at one point I heard this story about how he came back, all showered up and cleaned up and, you know, trying to woo my mom back. And this man was so awful, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for me.

It was because I know what the rejection feels like, I guess, and I could almost feel it for him. And even though I didn't like him that much, I like people feeling bad even less. And I think that probably is on account of growing up overweight. On Wiretap today, you heard a short radio play inspired by You Are Good at Things. Tumblr.com and written by Crystal Duhame with Mirabirdwin-Tonic. It was performed by Daniel Byrne and Lorna Wright.

Sarah Buck played the part of The Waitress. Special thanks to Andy Selsberg. For more, check out his latest book, You Are Good at Things, a checklist. You also heard Gregor Erlich and kids Liam. Daniel, Bella, Maya, Britain, and Nell, and Adam Todd Brown. Adam is a columnist and editor at Cracked.com. Wiretap is produced by Mirabirdwin Tonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. For more CBC podcasts, go to cBC.ca.ca slash podcasts.