Wiretap - Letting Go

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

How long is too long to hold on to a heartbreak? A man struggling to get over a breakup finds help letting go following an unexpected encounter.

My group chat thinks I'm the smart one, but I have a cheat code. I take 10 minutes each morning and listen to World Report. Knowing what's happening in the world helps me feel connected and make better informed decisions. But endless doom scrolling is not my idea of fun. So I just listen to World Report on my commute, get informed, and get on with my day. World Report, the day's top stories in 10 minutes, wherever you get your podcasts. is a CBC podcast. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1.

Today's episode, Letting Go, in which broken hearts learn to move on, Blood Brothers learn to share, and cats learn to enjoy tea parties. Hello. Hey, Jason? What's happening? Let me just take a level on your voice. All right. And I'm going to talk like this, probably around. I might get this loud. I don't know. You think you might get louder? I don't know if I'll get any louder than this.

Do you ever get hysterical when you're telling? I might get hysterical. I might raise my voice, but I don't know if I'll get like much higher than that. I'm not going to start screaming. Okay. That's pretty. Okay. We're all set. So yeah, go ahead. Tell the story, letting go. Well, as you know, this summer, I got talked into something that I was firmly believed I would never do, which was go to a nudist beach. I don't even like using a urinal in the bathroom, never mind being full-blown. Hold on a second, Jonathan. Sorry Never mind being nude in front of

Hundreds of I just got to put the phone down for a second Hold on Sorry What's I'm just I'm just I'm so stupid

I'm waiting for my cat to come home. She's been gone a few days and I thought I heard her to scratch it at the window, but it wasn't. I didn't even know that you had it. When did you get a cat? I got a cat. I didn't even get a cat. I found a cat a couple months ago. After Mike's loft party, did I tell you I went to Mike's loft party? The only reason I went was because

Allison told me that Kate was going to be there. Oh. And I figured we haven't seen each other since we broke up a party might be a good first run-in. You want to run into her Well, I mean, like, I didn't want to

I mean, like, listen, I didn't want to see her at all when we broke up because she dumped me and I was just in such bad shape. I didn't want to see her at all. But it's been long enough that it makes me anxious that we haven't run into each other. Like, I feel

like I want that first run in to happen. So when Allison said she was going to be at Mike's party, I was like, that I feel like, oh, I can go, there'll be other people I know, there, I can have like a calculated interaction with her. I can prepare now what I want to say or how I want to look, you know what I mean? And so did you, and you did see her? I did. I did. I got there and immediately was in a terrible mood and she wasn't there yet. So for a half an hour,

I just kind of like drank and wandered around and like didn't talk to anybody. So once Kate got there, I was off my game completely. She came with some guy, and he and her just were like glued to each other. Like she was like hanging off of this guy's arm. It was like gross. But then I realized it was exactly the way she used to cling on to me when we were together. and she was smiling, like, way more than normal. Like, she's smiling like a person in love smiles.

I don't know. I'm, like, on the other side of the room, like, at this point, in a full body sweat. So she waved at me from across the room, and I'm certain that, like, had I walked up to her at that point, she would have been receptive to a conversation. But I didn't, I just, like, I gave her a thumbs up. I gave her a thumbs up and pointed to my empty drink glass and, like, went and got a drink. And that was it. It was so much harder to see her than I thought it was going to be. I felt like I was going to cry.

So there's a fire escape that runs down where the kitchen is. So I went in to get a drink, and I left out the window. Just like that, like spontaneously? This was fight or flight, and I, you just... So I go out of the fire escape, I start going down the fire escape, and I jump down to the ground, and there is this cat there just staring at me. And this is going to sound stupid, but I feel in that moment very powerfully like the cat is judging me.

And I know I'm certain you're going to be like, aren't you projecting that onto the cat? Yeah, kind of. No, I swear to God. Like, the cat was looking at me like, shame on you. That cat knew my shame.

I kind of did that thing where you kind of like make a sudden movement to kind of scare an animal away from you. The cat did not move. cat wouldn't even break my gaze And so So I I said

Out loud You cat And I walked to Good for you Not gonna let a cat bully you Right Because in this moment

That's the kind of victory I need I came to a party To reconnect Possibly tell off my ex-girlfriend Oh I didn't know that that was a part of it Before it was just What you wanted to see I didn't know that you

No, but I mean, like, I've got things to say, you know. All right. And instead have now wound up cursing at a cat. And I walk away. And I walk away, and I'm walking down the street, and I'm replaying the whole thing in my head, her wave, my thumbs up. I stopped at a red light, and the cat is there. The cat is, like, behind me, like, three feet. I mean, following you.

Following me. I get the light, I cross the street, cat follows me. Cat follows me for 25 blocks. Come on. Cat follows me for 25 blocks. Did you smell like fish or something? No, I did not smell like fish, Jonathan. I'm not saying that you do.

Oh, I forgot. Did I not mention I had a herring in my pocket? Well, that would make more sense, wouldn't it? Yeah, no, it would make total sense that I had a herring in my pocket. No, I didn't smell like fish I smelled a normal The cat was following me If I stopped and waited

It stopped and waited at a light It stopped and waited at a certain point I just started doing weird stuff Like I stopped and sat on a park bench for a while And it was like, you keep you out I'm thinking like you get out of here You keep going She just sat five feet away from me

At one point I burst into a sprint I burst into a sprint You're not a runner I'm trying to imagine this. I'm not a runner. And I sprinted four or four and a half blocks

and I made a turn at one point. Sprinted half the way down a block and stopped, looked around, cat's not there. And I'm like pumping my fist in the air. Like I've won something. Sat down on this stoop to kind of catch my breath. And I'm not sitting there for 10 seconds.

Cat walks up. Come on. The cat not only followed me, but didn't even bother running. The cat just sauntered it and was like, if you run with a dog, the dog runs with you and it jumps and you play and blah, blah, this cat wasn't, this cat was tolerating my childish behavior. So, cat follows me home. What am I going to do? What am I going to do at this point? I bring the cat in my house.

It's weird. I didn't want this cat. I didn't go looking for it. But then it started to just be my cat, you know? Yeah. It is nice to have someone, parentheses, a cat in the house. You know, she does her own thing. But I still, I come through the door and I'm like, I'm home.

Like when Kate and I live together. come home and say I'm home, you know. I might as well be in a relationship with this cat that is honestly borderline indifferent to me. Because I'll sit and I'll watch TV and she doesn't sit in my lap. We'll walk across my lap and up and onto the arm and jump off. That's it. And that makes me smile. But she keeps disappearing for these long stretches And when I first brought her home She was here in the house a lot

Which I took to mean She liked it, you know And then a couple weeks later She disappeared for the night What did she jump out the window? Yeah, yeah Just like her old man Exactly

She went out the window I saw her go out the window And she'd gone out the window before And come back like an hour later Or whatever But she didn't come back until the morning And I was like That's okay

That seems all right And then maybe like A week went by And then she disappeared for like Two and a half days And I lost my mind I was walking around the neighborhood I was like

Totally freaking out And then she came back. She seemed totally normal. I'm legitimately upset alone in an apartment screaming at a cat. Where have you been? Are you okay? What are you doing? Literally, almost in tears, fighting with a cat.

She started disappearing more and more, and I wanted to know, I wanted to know where my cat went. You know, I wanted to see. what she was up to, like, was she, did she have, like, a boyfriend cat someplace, or, because I felt like if I knew, I'd feel better about it, and I wouldn't worry. So, I, um, I did something super bananas. Oh? There's a place, not, not, like, there's a place, like, six blocks from here called The Spy Store.

We used to walk by it all the time, and I always wanted Kate to go in there with me because, you know, they sell, basically surveillance equipment and a pair of eyeglasses that have a hidden camera in A&N, you know, all this kind of nonsense. So I bought this tiny camera, which cost $350. Wow. Seriously, I have not told anybody about this. And I attached the camera to the cat's collar and waited, you know. you were waiting for the cat to escape okay yeah and of course she doesn't leave for like a week I've got all the windows open I've got I'm just like because I want to know yeah so finally she leaves

she's gone for like the night she comes back I download the video and um and I start playing it and it is It is like a first person documentary about my cat's life Like in real time I see her leave my house She walks down the street a few blocks And then she goes to the park She spends the next few hours there Just hunting and killing

everything. She's like a, like a sociopath. Just like mice and birds and anything, just viciously. I fast forward through that for a while. And then she goes walking down the street, walking down the street. She walks up some steps, and she's scratching at the door. And then the door opens, and the camera suddenly is just like airborne. And I realize someone is picking my cat up and the camera is kind of jostling around and what I'm catching is someone else's house

and a little girl nuzzling my cat the girl puts the cat down the cat walks around there's a bowl of milk there there's a bowl they don't put it down or it's there

cat walks into the living room and jumps up onto the sofa walks like she does at my house walks across the length of the sofa and walks onto someone's lap but then like does a little circle and sits on the lap of this person my cat has never sat in my lap

and this cat sits in this lap for two hours the entirety of which the camera on the cat's collar is pointed at the TV that they're watching. And they are watching American Idol for two hours. So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you. Pure Bliss.

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So for the next few weeks, I watch my cat, live with another family, basically, on and off. She disappears, and she comes back, and when I watch the video, she's, you know, in a little girl's room, having a tea party. And then at one point the cat passes by a mirror, and the cat is wearing a small hat

that clearly, I'm sure, belongs to one of the girls' dolls or something. You know, they've got toys. They've got more toys for their cat than for the kids. She was going away more and more, and we're in this weird, phase now where she spends more time away from me than with me, you know. I start to feel like when I'm watching my cat in this family's house that I'm watching her at

home. She just seems happier there. I feel like my cat is in the process of finding and choosing someone else. I mean, why would someone come into your life, chase after you to be in your life, if only to leave you? You know, I find myself trying to not recreate, but like, you know, I put her on my lap,

put on American Idol, thinking maybe she likes the show. Mm-hmm. But, no, I mean, like, she jumps right off my lap and wants nothing to do with me, which, honestly, I'm not, oh. What's up? She's back. Oh. She's scratching at the window.

Hold on a second, Jonathan. I got to open the window. Well, hello. What, what are you doing? Wait, where are you going? No, come here. Wait. Uh.

She just walked in. So she's back? Yep, she is. So, it's weird. It's, she's been gone so long this time that I didn't think she was coming back. I'd kind of been preparing myself for that. You know, I've been more and more feeling like the honorable thing to do in a way is let her go.

I want her to wake up with those little girls and, you know, have a tea party. So what are you going to do? I'm going to take the camera off. I'm going to close the windows. And tonight we're going to hang out here in my house. And then in the morning, I'm going to take her to that door that she goes to. and I'm going to knock on the door

and when they come and answer I'm going to I'm going to give them my cat because it's theirs Thank you. Howard? Hello. What brings you to the studio?

Is this an okay time, by the way? Not great, actually. Now, this is what I'm talking about, and this is why we really have to talk. Because I can't talk? You have a skewed sense of priorities. Because I'm at work right now, and I'm in the middle of recording a monologue.

I just want you to relax, okay? Just relax. I don't like the tenor of this. Let's just take a few deep breaths together. I'm not breathing with you. And three times. Please don't touch my stomach. I'm taking my hand off slowly.

I'm taking my hand off. Howard, I am giving you five minutes. I feel we've grown apart, and I'm worried about it. In a relationship, there are certain tale-tale signs. I'm not saying you're cheating on me. I'm not saying... How would that... Don't sexualize it.

Don't try to make this in some credit. I'm not the one that's talking about cheating. I'm speaking in terms of betrayal. I'm talking to terms of... The only time you start to talk about our friendship is when you want something. When you want money, that's right. I'm coming in here to talk about our friendship,

And the first thing you think is that it's monetary. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I find that really insulting. I'm talking about our friendship. I'll see you later. Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you later. I'm going to go. Okay, take care. Okay, look, maybe I've reacted there a little bit. I'm just saying, I think this is mostly about trust. Do you trust me? No, not really. I mean, think about, like, you know, the really important things.

No, no, I can't say that. Okay. Ha-ha, that's your friend of so many years. Yeah, no, no. I guess I don't. Okay, let's back up, you know, because I think I went too fast too far. All right. People really are boarded up with all kinds of secrets.

And those secrets say, like in this day, it would be, say, like, passwords. You know, the way people... What do you want my password to? I'm not saying I want your password. What is it, Howard? No, no, no, no, no. Is that not what you came here for? No, no.

No, it's not about that. Uh, yes, actually, yes. You want my password to something? Passwords, plural. So we can grow as friends and grow in our relationship. I don't know what you're getting at exactly, whether this is some kind of symbol. Give you your passwords. All of them. I want them.

I don't even, I don't even know how to respond to that. Passwords are secrets, and secrets are walls. Cutting you off, cutting off your light, cutting off your air, cutting off me. from stealing all my money. I'm here to share. I want you to have my passwords, too. I want us to stand naked before each other. No secrets, naturally.

Nude, right in front of each other. Everything out, sweaty and rolling around. Okay, all right, how are that? Take it all the clothes off, slowly, centrally, ripping the clothes off. I get it. I hear what you're saying. Which is why I brought this list here. Okay, I have a list of all my passwords, and I'm going to go first, and I'm going to give it to you. It's a leap of faith.

I'm just going to trust that you're going to use these passwords responsibly. Let's say I don't want to hear that. You have them. You'll have them. But I don't, I just... Can't walk unless you run. You have to walk before you run, I think, is what you're thinking of. Yeah, that's right.

So you understand what I'm saying. I don't. You want to just give me everything. I am willing to... You want to... You want to... You don't want to fight. You're going to give me all your...

Howard, what are you doing? What? Sorry, I tried. Here we go. First of all, I'm part of a beekeeping group. I thought you stopped doing that. No, I never stopped doing that. You never stopped doing that.

You never... Stop. Can't give up the honey. My handle is Honey Mama. Oh. And my password is, but I got 26 Zs. Okay, then I'm part of a puggy site. I'm never going to go to this.

You may find yourself going to that. Why? If I would die, I would need you to get all my affairs in order. You have to secure my legacy. On the Puggle site. Especially the Puggle site. My login is Puggy-Waggy. And my password is snort.

Okay, I'll give you the password for my hotmail account. Okay, the password there is password. The word password. If you should forget that password, the security question is, what was the name of your first pet? And the answer is John's an idiot. Wait a second, why wouldn't you put Bruce or Desmond or something? Because someone can get that. People know me.

Why you take it so personally? Because you just said I'm an idiot. I'm trying to stump someone who's trying to get sensitive information from me. That's the last thing they would think. It's actually, if I had written John's brilliant. Of course, that's something to do you. Okay. Well, so I have your passwords.

And so if we're all done here, I'm just going to get back to... What a weight off my shoulders. Just to get all those dirty, dirty, dirty, sullen secrets off my shoulders. All right, let's move on. Okay, so now give me all your passwords to all your sensitive accounts. All right, and get ready to feel fantastic. I'm amazing.

I am absolutely... Howard... Some basic ones I just need it. You gave me the passwords to your little sites, but I am not giving you... I get it, you know. I'm sharing this stuff with you. Like, I mean, you can look at it. You can look at, yeah, okay, fine, I got a pug site, whatever.

whatever it is that I'm part of. For me, that's a big thing. For you, you just laugh at me, you know, see, there's nothing. I'm not laughing at you. No, I, I, I'm some weirdo with my weird little interest. But to me, this is the fabric of my life. This is important to me. I'm not, that's not.

Like brothers and, you know, in this day and age, you know, we're not going to, we're not going to cut ourselves and become blood brothers, you know. It's like all the diseases and it hurts. And, you know, this is for our millennium. I'll give you something. Let's talk with your credit cards. What is the- I will give you the password to my Facebook account. Okay.

Even on the list, really. Yeah, I don't have it on the list. Howard, this is going to be an opportunity for you to earn a little bit of trust, okay? But I mean... I'm going to write down my Facebook password here for you. That's all you're going to give me. You're just going to give me your Facebook. For now.

Show me that you're able to respect that one, and then maybe I'll give you... I just, you know, basically gave you all my confidential information. Well, I'm giving you some as well. Yeah, no, yeah, your Facebook. That's great. Hang, I've got to send a text of somebody. You're sending a text right. It's a business deal.

I'm sorry, I have to do it right now. Sometimes you're too busy to, like, do the important things, even when they're right in front of you, and you just have to do things. Oh, I just got a... Just so selfish and so self-absor. Hang on, I said, I just got an email. I think you better check it.

Wait a second. I have a Facebook notification, Howard. Mm-hmm. Why is my Facebook profile picture change? Something going on? Howard, what did you just do? What did... That's a picture of me from my bar mitzvah.

Oh, yeah, you're vomiting. Is that possible? Looks like you're back in your eye glasses. Would you carry this picture around on your phone? Yeah, it's actually my wallpaper. Meanwhile, people, I like it.

Look at this. Let me say, refresh. Sixteen new likes. What have you done? Oh, let's look at some of the comments here. Gross. Fanny face. L-O-L.

Look, this one's clever. See, I told you only gross stuff comes out of his mouth. You commented that. I did. I did, actually. Let me refresh again. New likes?

On Wiretap today, you heard Jason Mansuchas and Howard Chakowitz. Wiretap is produced by Mirabirdwintonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.ca.com.