Wiretap - Look Ma, I'm Trending

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

WireTap explores the world of trends, from foodie-ism, to yoga, to one woman's attempt at convincing her kids of the impossible: that mom's can be cool.

It's not just you. News in Canada and around the world is moving at an incredible pace, which is where we come in. I'm Jamie Poisson and I host Frontburner, Canada's most popular daily news podcast. And what we try to do is hit the breaks on a story that you actually want to know more about. So try us out. Follow Front Burner wherever you get your podcast, Front Burner, stories you want to follow five days a week. You're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Look, Ma, I'm Trending, in which foodies eat their hearts out, yogis sweat their hearts out, and moms just try to keep up. Is it just me, or is everyone on some kind of bandwagon these days? In my day, a bandwagon was a wagon that carried a band on it, a band that rolled from town to town,

singing songs about women named Cheryl, and occasionally Maureen. But nowadays, there are so many bandwagons I can hardly keep track. Ironic mustache bandwagons, vampire craze bandwagons, the naming your kid Nevi, because that smells heaven backwards bandwagons. But lest you get caught under the wheels of such bandwagons, why not try new daring things before everyone else does, to stay ahead of the curve? Sure, you might look like an idiot trying to get everyone to put salt in their coffee or drink their beer with a straw, but you could also get lucky and tap into something big. Imagine how delighted the first person to bite into a truffle was, or the first person to lick a ball of bacon ice cream, or for that matter, the first person to drink a nice tall glass of condiment.

Howard? Damn, stuck in the door. What? What are you doing here? Just in the neighborhood that I passed by. Come see hello to my good friend. You just happen to be wandering around in a dress shirt and bow tie with a, what is that, a dessert cart? This is a Somali cart.

A Somali car. I've become a Somali. You're a Somali. I'm a Somali now. Howard, if you've been making wine again... Is that not homemade? wine. I'm a ketchup Somali. A ketchup Somalier.

A amount of taste and distinction that helps people choose the finest brand of ketchup for their meal. My whole life, I've always had such a passion for ketchup. Have you? There are so many fine restaurants that are hip to the artisanal condiment craze. Now you'll walk

into a place and it'll be unusual to see a brazed pumpkin relish or wild dill relish for that amount. It's only recently that North Americans are finally starting to catch up. Catch up, huh? yeah that's cute that's a cute little what is that one of your sommelier jokes what's i don't know what you're north america's starting to catch up yes to to the importance of condiments Howard you just made a little pun is what i'm saying you said a northern north american you're you're a ketchup sommelier yes i am

okay forget it weird does this take place exactly right now i'm freelancing i mean i i get called in for functions i do some finer restaurants in the city so you just wander the streets with your your little cart let's say a gentleman at some restaurant or some finer eaterie will order some kind of French fried potato, and the French fried potato will arrive as a curly cue rather than the regular street forward French fried potato. So I can smeliorize a situation by coming in and presenting the different types of ketchups that are just... I mean, what would be wrong with this Heinz ketchup for no matter what kind of...

Curly cues? Yeah, why... Okay, let me win you over, okay? We're going to try some of these things here, just have a little nibble, okay, and maybe that you'll be able to promote this on your show, maybe you'll be able to spread it a little bit for me, okay? Let's just try. Here we go.

Okay, now... Wait, what is that? You're pulling off your cart. Atmissue is very important for the Somalié. You've brought along your own little cassette player. Here we go. Let the music take you over. Oh, very classy.

Why are you unbuttoning your shirt? I don't want to get my shirt dirty. Your ketchup has a... Please keep your shirt on. Traditionally, a ketchup sommelier works shirtless. Where do you get this stuff from? I went. to catch up Somalié school.

No, you did not. There is no such a thing. I'm right in front of the computer. No, it won't be on the computer. I can Google it. It's not going to make a difference. No, they keep a very low profile. All right. Can we just get this over with already? I can't force you, but I really strongly suggest that you allow me to massage your palate and tongue. You're going to stick your hands in my mouth. Yes. Absolutely not. If I can just for two minutes, massage your tongue with my fingers, it stimulates the papilla. Keep your hands to yourself.

Okay, now here we have. take this, I'll take this tarp off the top here. And as you can see, we have a fine selection. You've got like 40 different kinds? Absolutely. Can I just, isn't all ketchup the same? Cachups are wildly varied. They come in so many different assortments.

Here, as, if I can show you, for example, here we go. This is a Hunts, 84, as you can see. It has a wonderful bouquet, musky, while at the same time fruity. What do you smell there? Yeah, it smells. like ketchup. Smell it again. Put your nose right in there.

Get off the back of my head. Just smell. All right. Wave it in with your hand. Okay. Waving in with your hand. Now, as you can see, it's a very thickened body. It's retained a beautiful, deep, deep red tone, as you can see.

This traditionally would go, say, with an aged steak, a fine New York cut or sirloin. You've brought along some steak? No, you're going to taste the ketchup just straight. So, little wine goblets. I'm going to pour a little for each of us. I am not going to. I'm going to drink ketchup from a wine glass. This one is so delicious, I'm going to have some, too.

This is delicious. This won't take a lot. Okay, all right. Hang on, I'm not yet. How much do I need to actually taste? I just want you to have some. Howard, it's overflowing my wine glass. Here we go.

I like to make a little toast, first of all. So to your health. Oh, boy. Okay, now you don't want to knock this back. Right. So just put your lips. I take a little, just a little, A little taster.

Mm-hmm. You taste? It tastes like ketchup, Howard. See, for me, I'm getting oak, and you can almost taste the sweet tomatoes just ripening in the sun off Tuscany. Okay, all right. Howard.

Now imagine this, close your eyes. I'm trying to imagine this with a corn dog. Or maybe something, even as subtle and refined as chicken-fied steak. Can we move on, please? Okay, so here is a 99 Heinz. Through careful aging and storage, it moves more in the direction of a tamarin sauce. Let me just squeeze some into your glass.

I'll take a fresh goblet here. That's plenty, Howard. Scientists have discovered that the sound of ketchup leaving a bottle like this actually stimulates a part of the brain for the appreciation of ketchup. That may very well be the stupidest thing I've ever heard you said. Have a little taste of this. I'm really... Just do it.

Okay, can we move on, please? Okay, now I'd like to present with you the Pieste de resistance. This looks brown. Ketchup is not necessarily always red. It can be a fine burgundy. It can be a rosé. It can be a chartreuse. Well, it's not supposed to be brown.

If I was in Japan right now, I can sell one teaspoon of this ketchup for $40,000. Really? One teaspoon. I guess I'd be able to just look that up on the internet right now. No, you can't look that up on the internet. Teaspoon, no, nothing is expensive. There's some keywords you'd have to type in. Okay.

A nice, little gentle taste. Here we go. That's the strongest of all. Oh, that's pretty strong. Hair. There's like fur on my tongue. Oh yeah, I taste that too. Yeah, maybe he got off a bit.

Howard, where did you get this from? Okay, you know, I've been collecting ketchup packs since I was a child from all the takeout. That's what this is? What did you, like, spend hours individually tearing open packets and squeezing them into a... Initially, I did. I got very tired. It was hard on my fingers, so I just threw them all in my bathtub. I mean, the dogs just jumped in.

I just stomped until that ketchup came out. And then I scraped it out with a trowel. Like, all the Italian men do with grapes. When they make wine, all traditionally... You're telling me I'm eating dog ketchup. Well, you were eating really aged valuable ketchup. It's not only lasted all this. time, but it still has a wonderful body to it.

It doesn't taste right. All the nutrients are there. It's good for the prostate. A couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I was reading an article by a writer who, for the life of her, could not understand how young people these days could stand this new, young rapper named Crayshan. Over and over this writer watched her YouTube videos, but try as hard as she might, she cannot bring herself to actually like Crayshan. Eventually, she just figured she was too old to get it, and so she decided she'd just pretend to like Creshawn.

It should here be noted that the writer of the article was 28, which made me realize that not only am I too old to get new trends, but I'm too old to even write an article about why I'm too old. old to get new trends because I'm too too old for anyone to care about my feelings about being too old and not getting new trends. I call it my 13-year-old goddaughter, Helen, to get a sense of what the latest fads in junior high are these days. And she tells me about something called smensels. Evidently, smensels are pencils that smell like things. Oh, when I was young, we had smelly stickers, I say, excited to be bridging this cultural generational divide. That's kind of the same thing. Roses, bubble gum, root beer, why there were even Thanksgiving-themed smelly stickers, though I can't imagine why anyone would want to smell a pioneer. I can't imagine they'd

smell very good. Helen tells me that scented pencils are absolutely nothing like scented stickers and that if I think they are even remotely similar, then I just don't get it. Perhaps trends are always a young person's game, a way for each generation to define itself in opposition to the last. A kind of gatekeeper, a way of making sure no one whose street cred has long expired fosters any delusions of relevance. If you're absolutely loving your summer read and don't want the book to be over, your experience doesn't actually have to end when you finish reading. I'm Matea Roach, and on my mom, My podcast bookends, I sit down with authors to get the inside scoop behind the books you love. Like, why Emma Donoghue is so fascinated by trains?

Or how Taylor Jenkins-Reed feels about being a celebrity author? You can check out bookends with Matea Roach wherever you get your podcasts. So, you know that Lucy's 16 and Elliot is 14. Did you know that? Wow, 16. Yeah. I know. Time flies.

You know, last Tuesday they were four and six years old, and now they are full-fledged teenagers. They are moody. They're embarrassed by me. They wear earphones at the dinner tables. So there's not a lot of communicating that goes on in my home. Like, I'll bake them. They used to love these peanut butter squares that I used to make them as their favorite thing. We loved it.

And now when I bake them, they'll be like, oh, mom, that's. That's so ill, and I have no idea what it means. Is it good? Is it bad? And literally, that's the only thing they'll say to me all day. And it's really upsetting because when my kids were little, we were so close. We were such a close family. They told me everything.

I just never imagined in a million years that this would be my life. Yeah, that's a tough one. I feel like I'm losing them. I'm losing them, and I see it happening, and I don't know what to do. And I've actually started doing ridiculous things to win them back. Like what? It's so embarrassing. But I actually have started wearing skinny jeans, so that they would think I'm cool.

I do not look good in them. And how is that? They were really embarrassed. They were really embarrassed. I wore them out. Lucy had a sushi dinner for her birthday with some of her friends, and I walked in, and she just was, she, she spit out the food. She was like eating. She was eating, so she spit out food in her mouth. She did a spit take. Yeah. So I did that, and then I put a yellow stripe in my hair. It's not blonde. It's actually like a neon yellow. My kids didn't even notice. They didn't notice that you would put a stripe in your hair? Well, I hate to even say this, but Adam didn't even notice. Your husband?

Yeah. Oh. It was so pathetic. Anyway, I really wanted to figure out something that I could do that would really get them to think I was, I don't want to say cool, but that I was sort of not. so uncool. So then I came up with this, then I was thinking about planking.

Have you heard about planking? Yes. Like an epic plank. Epic, huh? Yeah. Planking is when you pretend you're a plank of wood or something. What is it? Yeah, yeah.

Someone told me about planking, and I looked it up on the internet. Basically, you go into bizarre locations, and you lay flat, completely flat, like a wooden plank. Right, right, right, like flat on your face. And then someone takes your picture, and you put it on Twitter or Facebook or whatever, and it's this huge fad, and everybody's doing it. Right, right, right.

Like, and people are always trying to up the ante and do these poses and the most absurd places that they could think of. Yeah, like I saw a picture of some guy who planked on the top of a McDonald's M. Wow. Yeah. That seems dangerous. I couldn't believe it. It just seems so stupid to me.

Right? But I just thought, you know, I had to do something. So I just thought it would be funny to take a picture of me doing an epic plank. And so that I was going to post it on Facebook. But about a year ago, I sent my kids a friend request, requesting to be friends with my own children. It's not funny. They have not responded. I'm sure they're probably getting around to it. No, they're on the computer every. every three to five minutes.

No, they, they know. Right. So I decided that I would open a Gmail account under an anonymous name, and then I was going to email it to my kids. Wait a second. So you thought that you had a greater chance of reaching your children through an anonymous email account than you would through actually showing them a Polaroid. I just thought it would be like, I'm trending, right?

So like this picture is a trend. friends, and then it would get randomly sent to my kids, and then they'd be like, hey, mom, I saw this picture of you, it's awesome, or epic, or. So I decided to go to the zoo, to plank on top of some hippopotamuses at the zoo. Wait, literally. That isn't another kind of jargon that you're using when you say hippopotamuses at the zoo. No, no, I'm actually talking about literally getting on. top of a hippo. Wow. So I brought my friend Nancy, who's my neighbor. I brought her with me so she could photograph me. I went on a Monday morning. I knew they wouldn't be so busy. There's hardly

anybody there. And she was the lookout. And we found the hippos, which are, it's, the fence is pretty low, but then there's a trench. And I very discreetly jumped over the fence. I can't believe I had to go down to the trench, climb up on my hands and knees, into the hippo area, and the hippos were all asleep. Weren't you scared? This sounds dangerous. Here's the thing about hippopotamuses, and most, and this is true of pretty much all animals in zoos, they're all highly depressed.

They really don't give a shit that you're there. And I quickly shimmied up the side of one of these hippos, which is disgusting. because they are slimy. You know, they're in and out of this wretched, filthy water that they swim in or whatever. So I climbed up this one hippo, and I posed completely flat with my head down. And so Nancy did a picture. Yeah. And I slid off the hippo, and then I had to go down back into the trench.

Yeah. And when I jumped into the trench, I spread my ankle. I thought I broke my foot, actually. Oh, God. I'm lying in the trench. Nancy had to get the security guards at the Zoom. So Nancy told the security guard that I was taking a picture and I was leaning over the fence and that I just fell over. That must happen.

Yeah, I think it actually does happen because they didn't press charges. Well, that's lucky. So we got in a cab and I went to my doctor and I had x-rays and everything and it wasn't. I didn't break my foot, but I sprained it pretty bad. And I came home, I put my ankle up on, like, seven pillows, and I was lying on the couch and feeling really pathetic. And the kids came home from school, and they saw me laying on the couch. They were like, whoa, what happened to you?

And I just said, I was like, I know, you know, you probably think I sprained my ankle grocery shopping or doing something really lame but do you know I'm sure you do about epic planking and they sort of like did like a double take like what and I was like well it just turns out that your mom is a planker I was on the hippo and how I hurt my ankle and they were like come on please and then I showed them the pictures And they both burst out laughing at me. I mean, they're just hysterical with laughter, just belly laughs, which actually made me start laughing. And honestly, I can't even remember the last time we all had a laugh together.

And after a good long time, my son said, oh mom planking is so 2010 and then they did sit on the couch with me for a while they didn't talk to me they had their headphones on but they did sit with me well that's i mean that's something it was actually really lovely you know what i think about it Perhaps there's nothing more human than a fad. After all, they're as fleeting and impermanent as we ourselves are. Both of us, hear one minute, and then dumped onto the trash heap of history the next. But when they take hold of a culture and become full-fledged lifestyles, fads feel inevitable, and try as you might, it becomes impossible.

to avoid them. Yes. Well, I'm thinking that maybe... Good morning, Johnny. Put that phone down. Nancy? Get off the phone, hey, hold the line for a moment.

I'm sorry. Johnny, get off the phone. Gregor, I'm in the middle of an important conference call right now. Get off the phone. No, Gregor? Seriously, you're going to have to come back. No, Nancy?

Get off the phone. Hey, no, no, no. It's totally... He'll call you back. Johnny, put on your Unitarred. We're going to yoga glass. Are you insane? You just hung up the deputy chief of programming for English language radio in all of Quebec.

The deputy chief. I have to call her back immediately. Johnny, forget about that phone call. You know why you're still stuck in the same smelly recording booth every day of your life? You don't stand up for yourself enough. You've got to hang up on at least six people a day. Take no guff from anybody and be a good boy and put on your unit hard right now because we're going to be late for yoga class.

I am not... Gregor, I am not leaving the studio. I have a lot of work to get done. That's the beauty part, Johnny. The yoga class is coming to you. What are you talking about? just got certified, my friend. Here I am to rock you like a yoga hurricane. I'm going to put you on the floor. I'm going to straight out your chakras. I'm going to send your kundalini scurrying for help.

By the time you're done, you're going to be so sore tomorrow. You're going to need to have a valet or a butler help you eat your breakfast because your arms are going to feel like they've been torn out of your sockets and your back is going to be broken in about 16 places. You're going to feel so good. That doesn't sound good at all. That sounds too. Greg, you don't mess around with this stuff. This is like dangerous stuff. You need to know what you're doing. You know what's dangerous? Your stress level. Look at you hunched over. You're like a thermometer ready to pop out the top. I give you maybe tops 15 more minutes to live. Well, 15, right? That's like a conservative guesstimate. When I spoke to this morning, you sounded terribly stressed out. You called saying you were going

to borrow my bathtub, whatever that means. Now, come on. Don't be bashful. Drop your drawers. Put on your unit art. I am not getting into that thing. That thing's ridiculous. Fine. You know what? Don't put on the unitard. We'll just do it in your underwear. Gregor, get off my pants. Okay, fine. You want to do it dressed as you are? You're never going to be able to do the stretches properly, but fine. I brought mats for both of us. You get the pink one. Why do I get the pink one? Take off your horrifying shoes. Now roll out your mat. Okay. Make sure it's all smooth and you have room to move. What is with everyone carrying around cassette record? Stand at the edge of the mat. Feet shoulder with apart. First step, breathe. Drop your hands by

your sides. Relax your shoulders. Relax your stomach. Relax. I'm trying to. Come on, uncoil. You look like a turtle who's been attacked. Just relax. You know, I've been to yoga classes before. This is not the way the teachers talk. Just trust the system. It's the only way I'm going to cure what ails you.

All right. Okay. Close your eyes. I don't feel comfortable. Keep them closed. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Not like you're sniffing some perfume. Just breathe normally.

Just let your body breathe. Now imagine your head is like a bowling ball. I don't. That doesn't seem. Shh, that bowling ball head of yours. Could. Shh. It's being held up by a balloon.

And the rest of your body hangs like a cooked noodle below it. You feel a stress melting away? Mm-hmm. Ow! What the hell! How did that feel good? No! Now we're going to do a move called the cat.

Facha de Gats, as we say in Italian. I've heard of that. Arch your back up? Mm-hmm. Drop your jaw like you're eating an apple. Mm-hmm. Okay, that's it. Now, me hear you do it.

No, you do it. I want to hear you do it. Master commands you to roar. Why are you going to fight me every... I'm not fighting. I do... Okay, roar. I mean, I don't know how to roar. Okay, fine, we'll do the cobra.

Okay. Your tummy goes here, that's it. Push up, not from your shoulders, from your arms. Okay, very good. Okay, that's it. Stick your tongue out like a snake, like this. That's not a yoga move. It's a yoga move.

No, that isn't. It's how they can. No, no, they don't. Snake smell through their tongues. All right. Now we're going to do Downward Dog. It's one of the resting poses that we get into between our poses. Okay, that sounds nice.

Okay, let me put the cuff around you. Wait, what is that? What are you doing? It's a yoga cuff. No, that is a dog leash, Gregor. This is a certifiable yoga collar. Really? I got from Lulu Lemon, it cost me $85.

Gregor, I'm not putting a dog leash around my neck. Why do you think it's called downward-facing dog? Because... Wait, hold still, and... No, no, wait, Gregor! Now, we're going to just help you with a little bit of an assisted stretch, okay? Ow! Good job.

No! Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, yoga collar. Okay, good boy, good boy. Don't! And you pull against it, it just gets tighter and jabs into your neck. We're going for a walk. What are you doing? This is a yoga move called Walking the Dog.

Here we go. Wait, Gregor. Close that door. Good boy. Brigger, I work with these people. This is like free advertising, Johnny. Everyone's going to want to join this yoga class. People are going to see you walking down this hall and they're going to become a thing.

Like, look at what great posture that dog has. Bricker, we're not closed the door. What did you call me? What did you call me? Ow, ow, ow, ow, master, master, master. Master, master, master, master. Oh, wow, tap. On Wiretap today, you heard Howard Chakowitz.

Wendy Dore and Gregor Erlick. Wiretap is produced by Miraburt Wintonek, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. And after much deliberation, we are very excited to announce the grand prize winner of our animation contest, 14-year-old Johanna Hayseeker from Calgary, whose animation of our hyperquench clip

had us in stitches. We spoke with Johanna earlier this week to congratulate her. Hello? Joanna. Hi. Hey, this is Jonathan Goldstein speaking. Wow. Okay.

We were just calling to let you know that we've chosen a winner for our animation contest. Yeah. Do you want to know who that is? Yes. It's you. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's so cool.

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