Wiretap - Party Men

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

Howard takes house sitting to a whole new level while Jonathan is encourgaed to embrace his cavemen roots by joining the Barefoot Movement, and Tucker seeks help impressing his new girlfriend.

We're in the midst of the dog days of summer. And it's called that because during this period, Sirius, the dog star, rises with the sun in the morning. Not because it feels like several dogs are breathing their humid breath on you all the time. Can you tell he's a cat person? Hello, I'm Neil Kerkstel. And I'm Chris Houghton. We're the co-hosts of As It Happens.

But throughout the summer, some of our wonderful colleagues will be hosting in our place. We will still be bringing you conversations with people at the center of the day's major news stories here in Canada and throughout the world. You can listen to as it happens wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. Hello. Hey, Howard.

Where do you think I am right now? Where in the depths of your ignorance, can you guess that I am right now? Don't hurt yourself. I mean, sitting at home, probably lying in your bed. I don't know. I'm sitting on a foetoy, my friend.

A foet. Chesterfield. A Chesterfield. You mean a couch? I'm surrounded by a, magnificent opulence, wealth, and privilege. Oh, is your mom out of town again? No, my mom's not a town, Jonathan.

Let's just say I've been entrusted to tend to this beautiful home of one of my clients. What clients are you referring to? The Smith family on my paper route. They're out for the week, and they ask me to take care of the plants. Were you living there now? This is my home for the next little while. Well, are you sure that you're supposed to be doing that? They never said I'm not supposed to be doing that.

Maybe they just assume that you'd be coming by to water their plants. I'm keeping to the agreement. I'm taking care of their plants and garden. They have to do so. Yeah. But I figure as long as I'm here, just to check up on the place. Right when you walk in, the first thing is, this gorgeous saltwater aquarium. Next to the aquarium, a whole shelf full of antique vases and sculptures and crystal.

You haven't touched anything, have you? I'm touching everything. I can stop touching stuff. Howard, that's real... There's a chandelier, there's silverware. I can't get enough of it. Can I make a suggestion? Anything that you've touched

just put back exactly where you found and just get out of them? You know, the other thing I thought was really great. They had crates full of Perrier and San Pellegrino. So what I did was, I just filled the basin behind the toilet full of Perrier. It was not just crazy. It is crazy, and why would you need to do that?

For the hell of it. These people are rich, Jonathan. Howard, how are you going to explain that kind of behavior? I don't get me. What's to explain? The man is going to be pleased. He says, Howard, here are the keys to my house. But you know what?

Don't eat my foie gras. Don't smoke my cigars. Don't listen to my sounds. I mean, don't wear my wife's clothing. Who would even think of such a thing? He obviously wants me to do this. What did he say to you? Can you please water my plants?

Let me just give you a tour of this place, and maybe that'll wise you up a bit. I'm just going to switch to the cordless here and so I can give you a tour. Cordless, Jonathan, a cordless telephone. Howard, you have a cordless telephone at home. Hello? Yeah.

Let me just, as I take you on our tour, let me just switch this little button here. We have kind of a general music system for the entire house. See that? You don't see that in regular homes? No. All right, here we are in the master bathroom now. Here, now, Jonathan, maybe you can listen, listen carefully. I want to flush the toilet. Do you hear the fizz?

No. That's all parry eggs. Oh, God, Howard. It's all periae, just wasted. So, I mean, along with this other stuff, here, they have this fantastic, transparent glass LED scale. Mm-hmm. And it makes me feel bad about myself, but in an expensive way. See, it says here, I am 18 stone, 18 and a half stone, whatever that means.

So I was an 18-town baby, so I guess I feel light as a baby. Why does it give your weight in stones? They're rich, Jonathan. Right. I was using the man's toothbrush, and I can't even tell you. you use his toothbrush? I figured somehow I could maybe kind of leach some of his wealthy energy.

By brushing your teeth with his toothbrush. Something akin to eating his heart. And then over here, there's an observatory. And he actually has a big, big telescope. It's beautiful. I like they're swinging around. They have these like, kind of like... Whoa, Howard.

What was that? It was not pretty easy there. Now, in this whole room, there are all kinds of fantastic treasures. Anything you can possibly imagine. I went through every drawer so far. You really shouldn't be poking around like that. If this man didn't want me to go through the drawers, he would have lost everything. Everything is widely open.

Well, seriously, Howard, I mean, usually the assumption is if there's someone who's house-sitting for you or watering your plants, they're not going to go through all of your personal belongings. I've gone through every single book on this man's shelf looking for some hidden money. I've gone through every nook and cranny. Well, it's not yours. You're not going to keep money that you find in his books. Well, if it's lost... It's not lost.

It's in his house. Hidden. Hidden lost. Blah, blah. blah blah. You know, Howard, honestly... What's this here? The guy has cheddar cheese, not craft cheese. He has cheddar cheese, he has cheddar cheese, Jonathan. See, he kills me that he doesn't have any servants. I was looking for a servant's quarter. I went on the back, I had to pry off a lock, and it was just like a shed in the back.

And I thought that maybe he had servants, because he was away for the week, that he locked them into the cabin. He would lock up his servants under lock and key. Well, you hear about stuff like that for wealthy people. You know, pharaohs would even be buried with their servants. Mm-hmm. This looks like crystal. Oh, boy. Howard, did you just break something?

No, no. What was that? Something. Howard, listen to me. Get out of there. Before you do any more damage. What are you talking about? I'm all settled in. I have a movie all ready to go.

I got the stereo on. I've been working towards my entire life. Working towards what? Towards a life of leisure, towards wealth and privilege. No, you haven't been working towards this at all. I mean, you've basically, what you're talking about is a home invasion. Jonathan, did you get the keys to come? Did Mr. Smith say, Jonathan Goldstein?

Here are the keys to my home. No. To my beautiful palatial home. He didn't. No, he didn't, but I did. When you go home to bed tonight, what are you going to be sleeping on? A futon, right? A rady old futon, right?

Well. Yeah. What am I going to be sleeping on, an emperor-sized bed with silken. sheets with eight pillows. And why am I here? I don't know. I'm a trustworthy person, Jonathan. I'm not going back. I don't care what you say. I'm not going back. You're not going back. What are you talking about?

I've grown accustomed to this lifestyle. Howard, you've only been staying there a few days. I had some time here. I still have some time here. I'm here until the 23rd to absorb all the lessons of this thing. Wait, Howard, sorry, the 23rd of September? Yeah. That's a lot of time for me. There are books for me to read. Have you looked at a calendar lately? It's funny you say, because the man actually has, I'm pretty sure this is gold leaf.

Even the calendar is gold leaf. Howard, today is the 23rd of September. Today is the... One second here. One second. 23rd is impossible. 23rd, Tuesday. That's today, Howard.

September. Friday, Thursday, Friday. What time is it now? It's 3 o'clock. Okay. The man's coming home in... He's coming home in two and a half hours. Okay, John, Mr. Smith, is coming home in two and a half hours.

I don't know how this is possible. I've only been here for, like... Okay, Howard, just clean things up and get out of there, okay? 23rd, say it's 23rd. Howard. Just wait a second. Howard. Just wait, Howard, Howard, Howard, listen.

Wait! I put the mean coat. I put the mean coat back on the rack. I was naked. Then one second. What did I do with the... Okay, John, you're going to come here now, okay? You're going to come here now.

Okay, all right, Howard, just... John, do you know how to fix the harpster cord? Howard, you need to start cleaning. I'm going to get a cigar. I'm going to go into the humidor. Okay, Howard, just... Listen, I'm an upper west mouth. Okay.

I'm an upper west mouth. Okay, the air's thin. I can't think. The air's done. I can't breathe. I need to Perrier. You're going to bring meek. He's a Perrier.

Wait, Howard, you don't need to create. In the meantime, I'm going to drink from the toilet. Hello. Hey, Hansom. How you doing? Oh, hey, Tucker. How are you doing? Okay.

Are you busy with stuff? I'm a little, I'm sort of a... Really? Yeah. I need a baby picture of you. You see, I knew when you called me up and you called me handsome, there was something behind it. Why do you need a baby picture of me?

Are you planning some kind of this is your life sort of? No, no, it's not about you at all, but I... It's a surprise, right? No, it's got nothing to do with you. It's not for you. Well, it's my baby picture. All I want is a baby picture of you. Well, I don't know that...

I'm asking for a favor. I feel a little funny giving out pictures of myself as a baby without knowing why. All right, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Look, I met this girl a couple weeks ago. Apparently, we've been falling in love, and she thought it would be really nice. We've been falling in love? That's wonderful.

Yeah, I mean, I like her. You know, and I'm going to make her happy. You know, we're spending a lot of time out of her house, and she showed me all these old baby pictures of her. Right. And she thought it would be nice if she had a baby picture of me to carry around in her wallet, you know. That sounds very romantic. It is romantic. The only problem is I don't want to give her one of my own photos.

Why? You know, I know a picture says a thousand words, but the one word, all my picture is. Tray is ugly, and I need to help. There's no such thing as an ugly baby. Come on. You know, here, I got all my old baby photos here with the left of them, and I look like an old man, even though I'm like, what is this? Six and a half months old. Well, you were a baby.

Okay, here, I'm going to send you the picture of me here right now. Are you in front of your computer? Yeah, hang on one second. This is the best shot for me. Check, check it. Wow. Exactly. What kind of a hat is that?

Is that some kind of corrective helmet you're wearing on you? That's my hair. Really? You understand my dilemma now? Why are you wearing a dress? It's not a dress. It's a child lounging gown. A lounging gown?

It was the 70s. You don't remember the 70s? I don't remember wearing a dress. I have nothing to send her. I have nothing to send her. Every picture is of me crying. Here's one of me crying after I fell off my bike. Here's one of me crying after being smashed in the face with a softball.

No, come on. Here's one of me just bawling in a shopping mall. Because my mother wouldn't get me those high top converse I wanted. Why would they take pictures like that? Don't you have any happy photos? My parents didn't want me to be nostalgic about my childhood. You know, they were realists. The point is, I really, really would feel more comfortable if Monica was walking around with a picture of you and not me.

I don't think it's a good way to start off a relationship by lying to someone. Look, look, it comes down to this. I can't give her one of my own baby photos. She's going to show the photo to, like, her friends or people she knows, and they're going to feel sorry for her. And as her boyfriend, I should protect her from that. Well, that's very noble. But, I mean, like, okay, you know, were I to go over to my parents' house and dig up, you know, baby pictures of myself? I'll drive.

Thank you. Every single photo of me has glasses. There's, like, baby photos of me just after having been delivered and I'm wearing glasses. See, I don't need glasses. Exactly. You don't wear glasses. Right away, she's going to know that, you know, something's up. I'll start wearing glasses.

You know, it's my only option, really, you know? What am I supposed to do? You're going to start wearing glasses. Okay, fine. Just send me a couple photos of you wearing glasses, and I'll Photoshop them out. Actually, I don't know how to Photoshop. I know how to lick with paper. Okay, all right, fine.

I'll give you a baby photo. Really? You're going to help me? Just pick me up after work and we'll head over there. No problem. I really appreciate this. All right. Ideally, you know, I like to find a photo of, like, you on your mom's lap that I can give to my girlfriend. Your girlfriend's going to be carrying a picture of my mom in her inner wallet. Your mom's a very attractive woman, and that'll speak well of me.

It'll speak well of my jeans. Speaking of jeans, do you have any old baby photos with your mom wearing, like, jean shorts or bathing suits? Something that shows off her figure. I don't like where this conversation is going. Your mama never held you wearing different clothes? Did you just say my mama? Any breastfeeding photos? Ah, Tucker.

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But lately, the tide has kind of turned against the running two companies. people's eyes have been open to the fact that there's been a massive conspiracy, a foot, pun intended. You know what that conspiracy is? People don't need sneakers. In fact, sneakers are not just unnecessary and expensive. They're wrecking your life. They're wrecking your back. All your problems, like that you can't sleep and you grind your teeth at night.

You can't sustain relationships and you can't hold a job. All that stuff. Comes down to your feet. I think that might be an exaggeration. I used to be that guy, just like you. I'd go swimming with my shoes on. No, I don't go swimming with my shoes on. I go nude-footed into the pool, and I'm much happier for it.

I'm not... You know, I knew you were going to get defensive about this because of your platform shoes. I know, I know, I know. What platform shoes? I know you're a little insecure about your height. I have no issue. Listen, a lot of short men have been successful in history, like Napoleon and Tim Conway. It doesn't make any difference.

I don't wear platform shoes. Okay, you don't wear platform shoes. Can we have a fresh start here? You are like an antelope. Once you take off your shoes, blam-o. You're going to be springing up and down the halls at work. Everyone's going to say, hey, who's the new guy? Who's that young guy with a full head of hair, springing around?

King of the Jungle. An Antelope is not King of the Jungle. Lions eat Antelope. You're in the royal family. Everyone can't be king. Okay, all right. So you're suggesting that I start showing up to work barefoot. And you've got to show it off.

Flon't it. So you're having a big meeting, a big long table, right? Big board meeting at work. You sit back in your chair and you put your bare feet up on the table. Cross your ankles. That's offensive. Offensive? You know, and you could end up stepping on a rusty nail or a lit cigarette.

You think MC Hammer worried about stepping on tax? Why are you always comparing me to MC Hammer? You're too good to be compared to MC Hammer? MC Hammer had pants made of gold. No, no, I'm not... 24-carred gold LeMay. He had like 135 Ferraris with like a waterfall inside one of them. But you understand that's why I'm not...

I don't deserve to be compared to him? Why? Because you want to ride in the bus for the rest of your life with your shoes laced up all the way to your knees? Look, I'm fine with my life the way it is, riding the bus with shoe. Yeah, you're happy on the bus. Let me tell you something, Johnny. They don't make buses with waterfalls inside them. Remember I told you about that extra continent

that only rich people get to know about? No, there's no such continent. You know who's on that continent right now? Who, MC Hammer? Make fun all you want. You know what he's doing? He's laughing it up. In the secret continent that you'll never know about.

Never even know the name of it. Gregor, I'm not going to walk around like a hippie. Okay, with me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know, if it weren't for hippies, there would not be macramae, there would not be boutique. Where do you think love came from? The hippies.

The hippie? You're a warmonger. I don't think that's who you want to be, Johnny. I think you want to be noodle dancing in the park to Janice Chaplin music. What is noodle dancing? It's waving your hands like they were cooked noodles. You do that, and you're halfway on the way to MC Hammer. That's how MC Hammer started out.

Okay, all right, enough. Gregor, I like having shoes, okay? Which is why I went into your house last night while you were sleeping, went into your closet, took all your shoes, put them in a sack. This is what I call Operation for Your Own Good. You did not go into my house. Did it done? If that is so, Greg, I'm not at home right now.

You're getting them back. It's too late for that. I took them and threw them in the bay. Those shoes are halfway to the Gulf of St. Lawrence right now, my friend. Why would you go down to the river to get rid of shoes? Well, if Goodwill doesn't want them because they stink, you do the math. You know what? I still have a pair of shoes. Yeah, well, kiss your shoes goodbye, because I'm coming down to the studio after lunch,

and I got my tin shears with me, and I'm going to snip up your shoes. You're not coming over here. You're not touching my shoes. Sitting on the bus barefoot with little slivers of shoes, and you're going to be thinking, gee, I wish this bus had a waterfall to distract me for my cold seat because I'm barefoot on the bottom. What do I want? What do I want? I mean, you make it sound so, you know, asking.

Well, you're asking me something. Okay, you know what? I'm going to give you what you've always wanted, okay? I need you to write me a recommendation, a good one, so I can get a job. What do you mean a job? Job, J-O-B? Yeah, no, I know what a job is. Does it have to be this drawn-out?

Why are you torturing me? I despise being put in this position. Why do you despise this position? I'm your friend. I'm helping you. You want me to write your letter, recommend? I have no problem with that. So what job are you applying for?

Well, it's not so much a job that I'm applying for. It's not me. It's we are going to be applying. Listen, I'm not applying for any job with you, okay? I like my job. Please. Work with you? I wouldn't even eat your hands.

head if it turned into one of those turkeys, like in one of those desert movies. So who's this weird? Me and my fictional wife. Anyway, moving along, can you write me a recommendation? Can we just back up for a moment? Did you say you said your fictional wife? Do you know me to be married in life? No, I don't. Right, therefore I don't have a real wife, therefore she has to be fictional. So both of us are applying for this position and then the recommendation. Let's get going.

Get your pen. Why do you have a fictional wife? Well, because no one will marry me in real life. And because no one will marry me in real life, I can't apply for this custodial couple position, okay? It's a couple. I'm a one. You know, I don't even know where to start with you anymore. Where do you come to a position as a janitorial couple?

It's not complicated, okay? I saw an ad on Craigslist. It's for this hotel in the middle of nowhere. It's going to be empty. They want a custodial couple to take care of it. Well, they must want a couple for a reason. Well, because they think it's going to be lonely. You know, they think it's going to be like the shining, you know?

Well, maybe there is a reason. Maybe, I mean, maybe there's a reason for them believing that it gets too lonely. Well, even more reason for me to go alone, so I don't have to kill anybody. The whole point is, I need the money. It'll be a good opportunity for me because, you know, I like to work with my hands. I like to clean. No, you don't. I mean, that's just one of the problems I have with this whole scheme.

Don't say that in the letter. How could you make yourself into two people? Have you ever dealt with an absentee landlord, like a big corporation that owns a lot of properties? They're not going to be up there. They're headquartered in Ontario. This is in the Yukon, this hotel. They can't keep tabs on. They don't know anything.

They're not on top of it. They don't actually care that much. Are you crazy? You can't defraud them? I'm not defrauding them. We've already spoken to them on the phone. It's totally fine. What do you mean we've talked to them on the telephone?

Me and Lucy. We spoke to them already. Lucy. Yes, Lucy. Me, Joshua's wife. I love him so much. And it's just, it would pain me to pass up this marvelous opportunity. I'm just so glad to support him.

in all his endeavors. Wow. I'm at a complete loss. I don't even know what to say anymore. You know, Josh always said you were a very small, petty man. Not like him, a man's man with a big, strong arms, and his delightful smile. He's so brony. Not like you, you're scrawny.

He talks about you all the time. Not very well, I might have. You've lost your mind. I haven't lost my mind. I've gained a wife. I've gained a life partner. You're just jealous. Lucy, unlike you, I might add, believes in me.

You know, you really seriously need help. Oh, please. Explain this to me. So you talk to them on the telephone, and what do you do? You alternate voices? John, it's not very hard. It's kind of like this. You know, I'm on the phone, and then I pass the phone to Lucy.

Just hold on a moment. And then I come on the line, and I tell you what's what. And I tell you to shut up and write the letter. Do us a favor. I'm telling you, John, Lucy understands that it's just a simple case of just having the confidence to pull something like this off. Something you were such a lacking. I think you're a small, petty man.

And I totally agree with you, Lucy. I totally agree with you, this is what I've been talking you about. I don't even know where to start. There's so many... I mean, you're not... Number one, you're not a handy man. It's not about getting things done. It's about getting the job. Why do you want this job, though?

I want to practice my singing. What was the last time I really was able to sing? And what better place to be alone and sing than in the middle of nowhere in an empty hotel with wonderful reverberations and echoes? This seems... How long would you be up there for? Are you my guidance, counselor?

What do you care? I'm not asking for permission. You're asking me to write a letter of recommendation for a couple that doesn't exist. You're not lying because I am Lucy. Lucy is a figament of your imagination. I have waited long enough. I am a singer. You want a sample, yo?

No. Give me a song. I'm not giving you a song. We have to listen to a duet. You want to hear a duet? Would you like that? You're really freaking me out. Here we go.

Joshua, you begin. Well, what are we going to sing? One of our favorites. Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me? I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. It's true, you know, I was working at a cocktail bar when I met him. That's what makes the song so powerful and meaningful to us.

I love you, Joshua. Look, so what do you want me to write? I'm supposed to write about how long I know you and Lucy for? The key thing is to stress my mental stability and my physical fitness, both of which are beyond approach. Look, I don't, I, I really feel uncomfortable doing this. Please. It's just a letter. All right, fine. Thank you. When did they need it by? Yesterday. Do it now. All right. I'll talk to you later. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Right, yeah, yeah, hi, hi.

I'm just going to confirm some of the details of the recommendation letter that you sent in on behalf of Joshua and Lucy Carpatti. Is everything okay with that? I'm very impressed by Joshua and Lucy's application. And, you know, your letter was just basically, you know, the cherry on top. Uh-huh. I mean, Joshua really, you know, his outdoorsman spirit, you know, that really seemed to come through in his application. And his wife, Lucy, right? I mean, she seems so great.

I mean, obviously, you would know how great she is. It's good that he's got her because you can end up feeling a bit isolated up there, but they actually sound like the ideal couple. Like, she sounds very supportive. You spoke to the two of them. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's really, really, really sweet. You know, they kind of just complete each other's sentences. Yeah, they really have something special, those two.

So in the time, let's just talk about Josh for a second. So in the time that you've known him, you know, You would say he's a responsible, you know, handy man. He, he, uh, he's a big help around the house. Okay. And here it says, mountaineering. Mountaineering. I mean, God, I can't really imagine somebody better for this job.

Yeah, no, it sounds like, it sounds like a match. Yeah, and it's so nice of you to help Josh like this, you know? You know, I'm, uh... I mean, I don't want to get too personal, but, you know, that you two maintain your relationship. It really, really speaks of a maturity that's rare these days. I'm sorry. What are you talking about? You know, we were really on the phone for a long time, Josh and Lucy and I,

and they just kind of told me, you know, the whole story after, you know, you and Lucy, and then Josh and Lucy and, you know, that whole situation. When you say me and Lucy... Well, we got into that whole story about how they met, right? The Whitewater rafting trip that you three went on. Oh, that whole, that story. I mean, that whole thing when the raft capsized and you panicked, then Josh had to drag you and Lucy to shore and then construct a lean-to for all of you to sleep in and the way there was no food and he finds all these berries. Of course, he told me that you kind of ate them all, but I just thought that was hysterical.

I ate all the berries. Yeah, you were in such a state grieving. I was, yeah. It's just such a romantic story, you know, the way as the night deepened and you were just shivering and the lean-to. They just both quieted you down, like a little child, and then, you know, looked into each other's eyes under the stars and realized that they... Sally, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. There is no Lucy.

What are you talking about? She's a figment of Josh's imagination. I spoke to both of them on the phone. No, you spoke to both of Josh. What do you mean both of Josh? He's Lucy. He's doing the voice of Lucy, and I'm sorry that I got involved with this whole thing. So, like, you and Josh and, and, and, and Lucy.

There is no Lucy. I spent all day going through these applications and... I shouldn't... I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't... You know what? You just tell Josh and whoever else exists in your universe that this job is off the table. Hi, this is John. I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Hey, John, it's Josh here. How's it going? Yeah, I'm great. Listen, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. It's not like I needed a job or money.

Oh, Lucy has something she wants to say to me. Yes, Jonathan, hi, it's Lucy. Listen, you should go f*** yourself. I'm going to pass you back to Joshua. You've ruined me! You've ruined me! On Wiretap today, you heard Howard Chakowitz, Gregor Erlick, Joshua Carpatti, Maray Silkoff, and John Tucker. Get Tucker's debut novel, Puts of the Century, at Amazon.com, and smash words. Wiretap is produced by Mira Bertman Tonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. For more CBC podcasts, go to cBC.ca.ca slash podcasts.