Wiretap - Pick a Path

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Jonathan mediates a showdown between an optimist and a pessimist to determine once and for all whether the world is awesome or not so awesome.

We're in the midst of the dog days of summer. And it's called that because during this period, Sirius, the dog star, rises with the sun in the morning. Not because it feels like several dogs are breathing their humid breath on you all the time. Can you tell he's a cat person? Hello, I'm Neil Kerkstel. And I'm Chris Houghton. We're the co-hosts of As It Happens.

But throughout the summer, some of our wonderful colleagues will be hosting in our place. We will still be bringing you conversations with people at the center of the day's major news stories here in Canada and throughout the world. You can listen to As It Happens wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein. On CBC Radio 1, today's episode, Pickapath. There once was a man named Chalcassus, the Greek,

or at least that's what he's remembered as now. When he was only a young lad, Chalchus learned that one day he would die. One day you will die, his father told him. It happens to us all. It's just the way things go. The boy was surprised by this news. Sure, his father would die.

Yes, his mother and even his brothers and sister would die. His grandfather had already died, as had the heroes he learned about at school. This all made sense to him, but that he, Chalchus, Greek would die? No, there had to be a glitch in there somewhere. Yet while it did not make sense to his heart, his budding sense of reason told him that it was empirically true. And so each morning, Chalchus awoke and thought, today could be the day I die. on some days he was struck with the thought several hundred times it became impossible to focus on anything else back then there were no psychiatrists or therapists

so chalches went to see an oracle the old oracle lived in the forest on the outskirts of town It was a full day's journey there, and when Chalchus found him, he was sitting in the shade of a large tree, staring up at the sky with wide open eyes. Chalchus wasted no time in getting to the point. I wish to know on what day I will die, he said. Chalchus figured that if he could just know how much time he had left, he could then relax. A man only died once, but like this, the way he was worrying and fretting. it felt like he was going through the motions of dying each and every day. After a few vain attempts to dissuade him,

eventually the oracle acquiesced and revealed to Chalchus the precise day upon which he could expect his death to arrive. It was a pretty far-off day, though perhaps not as far off as Chalchus would have liked. If he was honest with himself, he was in fact hoping that the oracle would consult his great book of death and flipping back and forth between pages finally utter, That's odd. I have no listing here for Chalchus the Greek.

And so the days passed and the day of Chalchus' death drew nearer, just as the day of all of our deaths draws nearer. Except that for Chalchus, he was able to count down the days. Each morning he would awake and think, 2,764 to go, 1873 to go, 922 to go, and so on. As the days dwindled, what once felt like a vast number, an ocean of days, slowly became a paltry year. And then that paltry year became a few skeletal months. And then, what felt like very suddenly, those months turned into weeks, and when they did, Chalchus took to himself. He wanted to be

alone with his final minutes, to really cherish each and every second as though they were the last drops of a delicious wine. I've only a few days left, he'd say in a sweat, curse that oracle for having told me. And then, finally, the day itself arrived. By now Chalchus was an old man, but Mostly, he felt okay, no major pains or issues, and so when he awoke, he looked around, took a few breaths, waited, and then, realizing that he was still alive, Chalchus the Greek, began to laugh. Ha, ha, he laughed, he-he. So great was his merriment over having fooled the fates that Chalchus threw his arms up

in the air, and proceeded to execute a jig, tittering hysterically all the the while. Hardy har, he chortled. Who, who, ha, ha, ha, he. How absurd to have worried, he exclaimed through his laughter. What do oracles know anyway? Oracle. The very word itself was ridiculous, and enough to make him twice as giggly. No longer able to contain himself, Chalches fell to the ground and pounded the earth with all of his might. He laughed and laughed and punched and punched, until his fists failed to clench, his lungs ceased to inflate, his throat could produce no sound, and his mind became free of all things, even thoughts of his own death. Hey, boss.

Howard? What, oh, what do you do? What are all those stacks of paper? They look wet and sticky. I'm sorry, what are you doing right now? I was just in the middle of writing this week's monologue for the show, Howard. Yeah, yeah. I know that deal, boy.

That's tough. I'm a writer myself, and any kind of distraction could take you off track. You're a writer now. And in fact, you know, the reason why I came here is so I can get your agent's contact info, and I'll be on my merry way, just... Uh-huh. You have a book yourself, don't you?

Yes, yes, I do. Howard, you... How many pages is your book? I don't know, 150 or so. You know how big my book is, John? Wait, hang on a second. That big pile of papers, that's a book. Yes, I have a book, John.

Oh, I see. Are you getting nervous, 150? Yeah, when my book's done, it's going to be 1,2005 pages. You know what I'm John? Because I'm a man. Oh, I see. And when I'm finished, John, I'm going to make Warren Peace look like a family circus cartoon.

Well, you know, Howard, this is... is all news to me. You have my full support and I hope you finish it. Wow. Wow, you're really threatened by this. I, well, yeah, thanks for the permission to finish my book, Dad. I'm not look Howard. It's going to be amazing. It's going to combine all the great literary genres. You've got to connect the dots and puzzles and picture stories and games. Well, I wish you the best of luck with it. And, you know, if I could just... Boy, I'd like to dunk your head in the toilet and wash the smugness right off your face. Okay, Howard, you're getting a little worked up about this. You know, real writers like me are a passionate,

lot. And how long, pray tell, have you been a real writer? Always, always, always. Remember when we were kids? Right? Okay, the writing I used to do in textbooks, turn to page 45, and on page 45, it says turn to page 78, and then on page 78, you turn back to page 23. Yes, Howard, I remember, you made people flip all around the book, and in the end, they hit a page that says something like, you're an idiot. Yeah, I mean, usually more powerful words than that, but yeah, and that was the beginning of my work. Right, your work. And that over there, that, that big monstrosity, that's a sample of your work. You know, John, you know, I was just going to coming here kindly as a friend, you know, just wanted to get some contact, unannounced, just

want to get some contact information, and now the gauntlet has been thrown. What gauntlet has been thrown? Well, now you, now you've challenged me. You want to see some writing? I don't want to see yours. I think I've seen enough of your stuff, Howard. Let us begin. Now, this is a picket path story, or a choose-your-own-adventure, if you will, for the

adventure section of the book. That's like where you make choices, and then depending on what you choose, you get sent to a different page. It's sort of like an extension of your earlier work, right? Your high school of... It's my belief, John, that the novel is dead. What with the Internet and video games, texting and the sexting and whatnot,

people want interactivity. Right. So with Pickapath, the reader has the ability to affect the outcome of the book. And in this way, it's closer to, quote, unquote, real life. And, of course, you're the resident expert on the subject of real life. And so our tale begins.

Let me just get my tape recorder. Why do you have a tape recorder? Let me make it more interactive. Okay. Play. You are Yonifis Goldstaff. The unicorn slayer. What kind of a hero slays unicorns?

magical unicorns that everyone loves. Evidently you do, Jonathan, okay? You are Yonophis Goldstaff, the unicorn slayer, and it is another dreary day of strangling unicorns. To make amusing your cowardly work, you switch from strangling to stabbing the beautiful beasts through the heart with their own horns. But it is still no use.

You are bored. Do you, A, strike out into the magical forest looking for adventure, or B, go home and stay Stick your head in the hearth. I'm supposed to answer this? Just A or B? A, Howard. Okay, turn to page 173.

173 is the one that has the ketchup stain? Is that how it's indexed? You're so drool. No sooner, then you step into the forest, you are confronted by the evil wizard Gregorn. He has lashed together his sword of shinar, sword of truth, Thor's hammer, and five pixie sticks. mounted them all onto the tip of his crossbow,

wrapped it in barbed wire, dabbed it with dog poo, set it on fire, and has aimed the whole thing directly at your hoo-hoo. My who-hoo. What do you do, John? What do you do?

You know, I guess I'd just start running, Howard. No, no, John, you have to choose from the choices. Okay. That's the rule of the novel. Uh-huh. Now, A, do you jump into the bushes like a coward? Right. Or B, bear your sword and challenge the wizard.

I guess I challenge him. It's your life cycle Okay Turn to page 43 I'll go back here Okay here we are Gregorne laughs mockingly at your puny sword And shatters it with a gesture

Thousands of shards fly directly into your eyes And manhood rendering you simultaneously blind and sterile You writhe on the ground And accidentally roll off a cliff and fall to your death The end Yeah way to go John All right Howard thanks for coming in All right, I'll email you.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, come on, come on. Okay, since I'm the storymaster after all, okay, I can bring you back to life and I can grant you a third option. Oh, I see. So, you know, let's just skip ahead, the page 658. Okay.

Okay, here we go. You are enveloped in a glowing blue light and transported to another land. You encounter a young warrior princess named Howard. A princess named Howard. It's a male princess. You mean a prince. That's something completely different.

How is that? What do you... John, I don't have time to explain the nuances of the genre. Can we just move on? He introduces himself to you. I am Howard the Hardy. Hardy Howard the Invincible. Or as my friends call me,

he man Howard, the unicorn slayer hater. God. What's your name, coward? My name is Goldstaff. You shakily, sweatily whispered in morbid fear. Nice. What? Howard cries out. Why your father was my sworn enemy.

How dare you show your face before? me. Well, I, I, I, that is, you squeal. Your mincing mealy-mouthed excuses cause the noble warrior to lash out in barbarian rage. Your, your regular Tolstoy. By the shield of sweet Haryasa, I shall make pure the land in the sweet anointing blood of those impure. Okay, now, do you A, try to fight him like a gentleman, knowing full well, you'll end up a monstrous, freak who makes children cry when you wheel buy in the cider cask that you both live in and wears clothing or B, do you empty your boars leather satchel of its loot

in a cowardly attempt to buy your way out? Okay, now John, on a side note, as a friend, I suggest you just keep your pie hole shut for once and just, you know, just pony up the cash. Here you go. Here's all my money. It's a wise choice. Less like a fantasy, all in a sudden. That's flipped to page 832. Okay.

Donning his boots of striding and springing, Howard slaps the coward across the mouth, withdraws his bamboo practice blade, and bisects the coward neatly in twain. Why would you have told me to pay up if you knew that he was just going to end up killing me anyway? Once he is certainly dead, Howard removes his breastplate

and sits down on the hillside to play his noble bardic song. And... Play? Sweet, sweet death is yours, me lad And such a cowardly life you had In death, you've been sliced in two One half jelly, the other goo

Split down the middle with this sword of mine And even spayed open, I can see no spine Stupid, dummy, nink-a-poo- Okay, all right, Howard, enough of the song, thank you, all right? All right, all you're doing is killing me over and over, all right? Things might have been different had you chosen wisely. Like how? If I, if I, if I, chosen to fight? What would that have done?

Let's see. Okay, what was that? Turn to page 1124. Howard raises his magical cricket stick, ready to strike his first blow. You fall down feeling something stick you in your side. Why? It's the baby unicorn in your purse that you were planning on making into another purse. In a cowardly panic, you throw the baby unicorn at the rugged princess. You see, you're finally showing some courage. Good for you, John.

Yeah, good for me. Now what happens? The little unicorn bounces off Howard's broad chest and harmlessly falls to the ground. No coward will murder you now, little friend, says Howard to the poor little unicorn. You will be my pet forever more. The baby unicorn then spits in Goldstaff's eye. Very nice. Goldstaff cowardly crab walks away, as Howard says to him,

Good show, little fool. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm obliged by natural law to murder you dead. Howard winks, then brings his mighty cricket bat to rest. Repeatedly, on Goldstaff's face, neck, and chestal region. It is a painful, messy, and cowardly death, and no one in this magical land will ever remember Goldstaff the unicorn slayer, nor sing any songs in his honor, as he was a complete failure, and did nobody, the end.

That was pretty good. All this was, was just you enacting this murder fantasy with me. killed yourself but you learned something in that what is it that i learned may i ask you know before dying a coward's death it's it's good to live a little howard i didn't live at all every choice i made led to death that's that's sort of existential isn't it okay harold take your papers please okay why do you still have me even give me your agent's info i'll email it to you okay well look just careful with those papers what wait hang in a second howard did you were writing on the backs of just just recycled paper

reuse, recycle. This is the manuscript I'm working on. Well, you just left it lying around. This was in my desk drawer. I don't remember that. What else do you have in here? These are my important documents. When inspiration strikes, I don't have time to boot up a computer.

This is stuff from my safety deposit box. Same thing. This is my grandfather's war diary. I was trying to find some valuables to sell, have maybe a nice steak dinner or two. I don't know what I'm going to do. Well, do you A, cry like a little little. Wimpering baby, or B.

So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you, pure bliss. It's so good that when you finish the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule. What now? Personally is here for you. It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. So, Megan, I stumbled across the blog that you do, which is called the saddest shit in the world. Yes. And to explain it, it's sort of like a celebration of the everyday pathos of life, where you kind of curate these sad images. Right, those little moments in your day when you see something that just depresses the hell out of you. So, for instance, you give one example.

of being in a Salvation Army and seeing someone buy a used Alcoholics Anonymous Handbook which is sad but what elevates it from the mere sad shit in the world to the saddest in the world is the fact that the man was paying for it with pennies

Yes, that's a true story that happened to me and it stuck with me for days, weeks and so I definitely have my moments when I'll see the sadness and things that maybe other people wouldn't like at my job when a coworker of mine who is really out of shape got duped into doing

20 push-ups for a $10 McDonald's gift card and couldn't finish them and all he wanted was you know a couple burgers and he had failed in front of the whole office it's sort of it's sort of a paradox like if you can do the push-ups then you're not the kind of person who would want the coupons in the first place exactly exactly Exactly. And what's been the feedback that you've gotten from visitors to your site? Well, I think that people appreciate the opportunity to drop the cultural expectation that we have to be thinking on the sunny side of everything. And just being able to wallow in whatever, you know, Pathos, they have large or small,

and they seem to get a certain level of satisfaction out of that. it's sort of like a clonic for your sadness right it's cathartic you know Megan when I was reading your blog it brought to mind another writer who sort of does what you do except it's the complete opposite and I thought it might be fun to sort of face you guys off the pessimist versus the optimist sort of like the glass is half full

versus the glass is half empty kind of thing okay do you want to hold the line for a moment and I'm going to dial them up Sure. Let's duke it out. Hello. Hey, Neil? Hey. Hey, I'm on the phone with Megan. Megan Carlson.

Hi, Megan. Hi. And Megan, this is Neil Passreecha, who wrote a book called The Book of Awesome, based on his blog of Awesome Things, which is sort of like a compendium of hundreds of different things that are just awesome. Right? Like wearing underwear just out of the dryer or smelling bakery air, that kind of thing. So, Neil, could you explain how you started doing this? Sure. I mean, 2008 and 2009 were pretty tough years for me. I was in a marriage that was heading in the wrong direction, and I had a best friend that was suffering through a major

depression. And as both those situations sort of went from bad to worse, you know, my wife left me and my best friend took his own lives. I kept coming home from work, trying to be. to think of one way to put myself in a good mood. So I started up a tiny little blog called 1,000 Awesome Things.com as a way to remind myself of these simple little pleasures, like getting called up to the dinner buffet first at a wedding, or when the cashier opens up a new lane at the grocery store. And slowly over time, I found I was starting to make myself feel a little bit better.

And, you know, I don't think of myself necessarily as an optimist. I mean, I think everyone has bad days, bad weeks. I mean, I told you about bad years in my life. Yeah. But we're surrounded by these small, simple moments that if you look at it in a certain light, can cheer you up and make you feel pretty awesome. Okay, well, I thought that maybe as long as I've got you guys on the phone together, we could play a little game. Sure. What I'm imagining is sort of like in the cartoons where there's a little angel on your shoulder and then there's a devil on your other shoulder.

I'm not sure what I'm talking about, but I just thought it would be fun to, you know, make you guys fight for my soul, basically, in the form of a game show. I'm ready for the game. They've got my pitchwork ready. All right. Let the showdown begin. Round number one. Neil? Okay, let's start with the other side of the pillow.

The other side of the pillow is an awesome thing. And so this is when, you know, you're laying in bed, the clock's clicking past 1.30 in the morning. You're sort of wide awake. You can't get to sleep. And you try to go to the bathroom. Maybe you try reading a book. And nothing seems to be working. This is when you turn over your pillow to the cold side.

eyes, and it just sort of feels like a tiny little moment of awesome, and it helps you fall asleep. The other side of the pillow. Okay, Megan? I think the flip side of that would be why you're having trouble falling asleep in the first place. Maybe you're thinking about how spiders, too, like cool, dark places, like the underside of your pillow. Okay, and time for round number two. The next awesome thing is when you get the milk-to-serial ratio just right in your bowl, because the exact opposite thing is not awesome

when you've got about six limp churios floating in a huge bowl of milk. So when you get the milk to cereal ratio just right, that's an awesome thing. It's the saddest shit in the world when you remember where milk comes from and that we're the only species on the planet, dumb enough to consume another species breast milk, fill it with mini marshmallows and call it a meal. But it is delicious. All right, let's move on to round three.

Round three. Ding, ding, ding. Picking up a cue and a U at the same time in Scrabble. Picking up a Q and a U? How about picking up herpes? That's a rough game of Scrabble. Or picking up your last paycheck because you got caught playing too much online scrabble at work. Hopefully in that last final fleeting game of online scrabble before you got canned, you picked up a Q and a U at the same time. That would be the most disappointing silver lining. It's almost like a brass lining.

Like a rust lining, maybe. You need tetanus for it. All right, moving on to round four. All right. How about when you hear someone's smile over the telephone, hearing someone's smile through the telephone fills your heart with a little rush of good memories and a good connection with a good friend,

and it's awesome. Am I smiling right now, or is that just an icy silence? I feel almost bad, bringing a counterpoint to such a heartwarming moment, but sometimes if you think you hear someone smiling, it's probably just the silence of them browsing the Internet and trying to find a way to get off the phone with you. What, want, wah.

All right, how about one last one, tiebreaker, just ending things off? Awesome thing. Locking people out of the car and pretending to drive away. It's just a funny game when you're on a long road trip, you got your friend out pumping gas, or maybe going into the variety store to grab some beef jerky. When they come back, you just have to the inch up with the doors locked, like, oh, we're going to drive away.

And it's a joke, and it's a game, and everyone just laughs. But that's what makes it awesome. And then, of course, is the set of shit in the world when you get locked out of the car and they actually drive away because they forgot you, and you're eight years old, and you're crying, and they never come back. That's just an example.

That's just an example. Totally hypothetical. Did that happen to you? I don't really want to talk about it. Okay, well, on that note, I think we have no choice but to let Megan win. But, Neil, I mean, you don't mind losing anyway, right? I mean, you're going to walk away from this, like, that was awesome. Absolutely, that was fun.

I mean, I think there's so many different ways to look at everything. I actually went to the books the other day, and, you know, a woman was flipping open the book, and she's like, look, honey, the extra French fries at the bottom of your McDonald's bag. that's awesome. I love that. And the husband, his reaction was, I totally disagree. He's like, those aren't awesome at all. Those fries are cold. They're limp. They're soggy.

And so I think that there's so many different ways to look at the world. And Megan, you're thinking that that French fry couple in the bookstore went home, got into a huge explosive fight. Actually, I was fixated more on Neil spying on people in the book store, and how sad that is. Ouch. I will try not to look at anybody in the future. Well, thank you both for taking the time to do this with me.

Absolutely, no problem at all. Thanks, Neil. Thanks, Megan. Have a good day. Okay, bye-bye. On Wiretap today, you heard Megan Carlson, whose blog can be read at saddest shit in the world. tumbler.com.

And Neil Pesricha, author of the book of Awesome. You also heard Howard Chakowitz. Wiretap is produced by Jonathan Goldstein with Mira Bertrandonic and Crystal Duhame.