Wiretap - Shush

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

A woman tries to hold her tongue as a professional listener while Gregor tries to convince Jonathan to shush up, once and for all.

We're in the midst of the dog days of summer. And it's called that because during this period, Sirius, the dog star, rises with the sun in the morning. Not because it feels like several dogs are breathing their humid breath on you all the time. Can you tell he's a cat person? Hello, I'm Neil Kerkstel. And I'm Chris Houghton. We're the co-hosts of As It Happens.

But throughout the summer, some of our wonderful colleagues will be hosting in our place. We will still be bringing you conversations with people at the center of the day's major news stories here in Canada and throughout the world. You can listen to As It Happens wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Shush. Hello.

Johnny, I'm so glad I caught you. Hey, Gregor. You go out in the world with that attitude. You know what the world is going to say to you? What attitude? All I said was hello. Your, oh, woe, is me attitude. I did. I kind of tell you, Johnny, you're not conscious of it, but you put out a certain vibe.

You know what I'm talking about? Uh-huh. Anyway, let me come to my point, Johnny, because you're distracting me with your terrible attitude. Please. I finally was able to put my finger on exactly what the problem is. And what is that? It's every time you open your mouth. What is that supposed to?

We're hearing you. As soon as you start talking, your attitude comes through. But I, Gregor, I'm on the radio. Well, that, as a matter of fact, is exactly why I'm calling you. To put a new plan into effect. You know how you're always complaining to me? I never have time to listen to your radio show. When you are supposed to be my agent.

I finally listen to your show. Howard, hilarious. Your father was adorable. Oh, thank you. People love Buzz. And your mother, I loved your mother. Love to have her over for dinner. Great.

You seem like a delightful person. Great. No wonder you have a drinking problem. So that's all the good news. Now, you know what they say about a chain, right? Only as strong as it's weakest link. That's what they say. So let me guess.

I'm the weakest link You don't have to be the weakest link What I'm just thinking But you are saying I am the weakest link You're saying that Here's what I'm saying You need to stop talking Well I am so go ahead

No no no I don't mean just now right now to me Although I need that I'm saying on the radio show What is that supposed to mean? I'm saying The more you talk the less I like You I mean you do

You do realize that A big part of radio Some might even say The most important part of radio is sound. Yeah. Okay. So, in the absence of my voice, what would there be?

All the characters who you've come to know and love and be loyal to, minus one who, when he talks, there's just going to be silence. That doesn't make any sense. Let me break it down for you like this, okay? Let's say we were making, oh, I don't know, a tub of ointment. And let's say we discovered that there was a fly in the ointment. We removed that fly. No, Gregor, I am the host of the ointment.

It doesn't matter if the fly is holding a microphone. How can you propose that I host a radio show that they say at the beginning of the show, you're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein, and then you never hear Jonathan Goldstein? I'd be finding it very mysterious, very enigmatic. I'd be wondering, who is this Jonathan Goldstein, who you never hear from, even though he hosts a show. I've never heard of a show like that. Perhaps I'd better tune in. You still have your show.

Everything stays the same, only we edit out the parts of you talking. And how is that the same? When the first person invented Coca-Cola and he said, I'm going to put bubbles in, don't you think they were a hater? who said, oh, we can't have that. Yeah, but my silence isn't bubbles. Bubbles is air. I'm sure the soda makers were like, no one's going to buy air. Oh, why would you want air?

And it turns out the bubbles are what people like in the Coca-Cola. It's the absence of soda. Little round absences of Coca-Cola. That's you. Little absence of Johnny makes the heart grow fonder for that next lap of Coca-Cola. But absence, I mean, I'm... Johnny, your greatest gift to this community of people is your silence.

I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm talking about sounds. I'm talking about this. And some more of this. And one of these. That's what I'm talking about. No, Gregor, I am the draw. Don't you understand? Don't forget how talented you are?

Did I ever tell you have beautiful silence? Your words, I don't know about, but you do silence with the best of them. Seriously. You know, I'm not saying anything anymore to you. Perfect. You're on the right track. The stern rabbi told the boy that he had to be careful when he prayed, because each word that he mispronounced crippled an angel in heaven.

Hearing this, the boy was made power mad. Until then he had considered prayer boring and inconsequential, but now it seemed like wizard's spells that have actual power. A boy imagined that each word he uttered was like a bullet, and his mouth, a gun. Angels were like tin ducks lined up at a carnival, waiting to be popped off. Instead of, Blessed be he, the boy would say, undress it be she. Instead of King of Kings, he would say, ring a ding-dings. He had no overarching plan, no agenda.

He just liked the idea of being able to do it. he thought. A little runt like me, someone routinely held upside down by the big kids until my house keys fall from my pockets can hold such power over the heavens. The boy began to pray out loud, under his breath, not just in synagogue, but everywhere, and all the time. After days of mispronunciated, after days of mispronunciated. the boy had a thought. As he prayed, a crippled angel might actually stumble up there, collapse onto his knees and fall through the clouds, right into his lap. If that were to happen, he would learn the angel's name. He would hold that angel and hug him all day long. He would

dress his wounds and help him get better. That angel would be all the friends that the boy did not have. When the boy knew the angel was all better, he would not cling or be possessive. He would bring the angel close to his face and smell his good angel's smell. And then, with all of his might, and possibly with the use of a slingshot, he would fling the angel back up into the sky. And if he ever became lonely, or just wanted to say hi, all he'd have to do is call out to the heavens the angel's name. making sure to mispronounce it.

In heaven, all of God's angels would begin, for the very first time, to pray themselves. Please, please, oh, heavenly father, they would pray. Please return the world to silence. I just never realized that keeping your mouth shut could be so hard. How do you mean? So I've been doing this thing where I started seeing patients or, I guess, clients, I should say, as kind of a therapist. I didn't even, I didn't know that you studied psychology. I haven't. It's just something I kind of fell into.

You fell into being a psychologist? Well, not a psychologist, but I started seeing an analyst a few years ago because I just needed to. needed someone to talk to. And I was paying him $150 an hour to basically just sit there and listen at me. And he rarely said anything, maybe like once every three sessions would he ask me a question? Really? Is that how rare it is? Yeah. I mean, it was really annoying because whenever he would say something to me, it would just completely take me out of the moment. Like, I was actually in the middle of breakthroughs where I felt like I was finally putting a piece together and he would stop and ask a stupid question and break up my train of thought. And I think I would have just gotten

more out of it if he just wasn't even there if I was talking to the wall. You know, more I thought about it, the more money I spent. I'm just like, all I need to do is just carve out space to think and to talk things out to myself. I don't need an analyst. Yeah. So about a year ago, the hair salon I was working at closed down, and I needed a quick way to make rent money. So I started looking around on Craigslist. And, you know, people are offering all sorts of weird stuff on there, like, you know, cat washing and manicuring people's terrariums. So I thought, why don't I just offer the thing I would want, which is just an affordable kind of listening ear for people who need someone to talk to. So I posted an ad saying, professional listener, 40 bucks an hour, I will sit and listen to your

problems. But I would imagine that would be sort of risky to pose. I mean, you're presenting yourself as somewhat of an expert. Well, I mean, I'm not officially saying that I'm a therapist or an analyst. But I mean, even so, I mean, you're dealing with people who are often in a vulnerable state, no? Yeah, but there's so many people who are in vulnerable states who can't afford any kind of help, any kind of therapy, or anything. So, I mean, having unqualified help is that worse than having no help at all? Besides, my ad said that I would just sit and listen without saying a word. So really, I'm not dispensing advice.

I can't be held culpable for telling someone to do something or sending them down the wrong path. I'm just sitting there listening. It took a few days for anyone to respond, but eventually someone emailed me back. She was a 16-year-old who'd just broken up with her boyfriend, and her friends were just getting tired of listening to her complain about it. So, you know, we met in a park after school, and I just listened to her for like an hour. It was the easiest 40 bucks I'd ever made. And then, I mean, I kept getting calls. I got a call from a guy who just lost his benefits at work, and, you know, he couldn't afford therapy sessions.

He had been a traditional therapist, and I went over to his place, and, you know, I was a little bit nervous because it's not a 16-year-old girl. It's a grown man. So I, you know, texted my friends the address in case got murdered or something. And he just laid down on the couch, like I was a therapist and talked for an hour straight, like, didn't take a breath. It was all super boring. I just sat there and I nodded. What were his problems? Oh, it was like how his favorite car mechanic clothes shops and now I can't find someone is cheap

or how his world of warcraft avatar lost his shield and got wounded in battle and stuff like that. The hard thing was to not laugh or fall asleep. And also his house smelled kind of weird. I think there was like a dead mouse in the wall. But like I did feel like I was helping him by just being there and listening. I mean, to tell him the truth, I didn't get the sense that he had many friends or, anyone to really talk to. I actually ended up seeing him twice a week for like three months.

Holy cow. And at that point, he actually got into a relationship, which was really surprising and made it much more exciting because he actually had problems they could grasp. Exciting for you. Exciting for me, yeah. And his place even, he started pick up after himself. He bought a couple plants. He even changed out like the ratty Star Wars sheets that he had on his bed to something like

that looked. actually adult. And it was clear that this girl was making a positive impact on him. I mean, I saw a photo of her on his fridge, and she was attractive. Like, she looked like a normal, nice woman. But the way he would talk about their relationship, it was obvious that he was sabotaging it, and he was going to drive this girl away. How do you mean? I mean, this girl was clearly interested in him. He was clearly interested in her, but he wouldn't even show it. Like, she would text him at 9.30 at night and be like, hey, you know what you up to honey and he would say that he wouldn't get back to her until two days later

when all he was doing was playing some game on his computer or like she had knit him the scarf and he told her that the wool was too itchy on his skin like there were all these signs that she liked him and he was trying to play it super cool but i you know i said i was going to sit quietly and listen so you know i i tried to hold my tongue you know as weeks went on it got harder and harder to just contain what I was thinking like I felt bad for this guy and I started to really root for him it was clear he hadn't had a girlfriend for years and like it was so hard to not say anything when he was in danger of sabotaging the one good thing in his life so one session he's just going on and on about how his girlfriend wants to move in with him but she's not the kind of girl he pictured

himself ending up with because she wears I don't know like overalls and she's doesn't want to listen to him blather on about his video game triumphs of the day and like all these petty reasons and it just it started a great on me like who the hell does he think he is like he could not do better than her and so i'm just sitting there kind of rolling my eyes and trying not to chime in and all of a sudden he kind of props himself up on the couch and he looks over at me and just says, I just want a girl who's a better listener, you know, a little quieter,

like you. And I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I just ended up blurting out to him that he should be glad that someone can even stand him enough to even consider the idea of moving in with him. And I said if he keeps rejecting everyone who comes along for stupid, petty reasons

and he's going to die alone. Wow. I was so mortified. I was so mortified. embarrassed that I lost my cool and I freaked out at him and so I just grabbed my bag and I left. I ran out and I never called him back. He never called me. And I just, I stopped doing the listening sessions. I just, you know, I guess I didn't trust myself to not do that again to someone. But it was weird, like about, I don't know, six months later after I kind of forgotten about it,

I picked up another job at my friend Cindy's salon and I spotted him across the street. He didn't see me but when I got home that night I was curious what had become of him and so I actually Googled him and one of the first things that came up was this engagement announcement and it was with that same girl the one whose picture I saw in the fridge and you know they look pretty happy and you feel like that might have had something to do with you because you said something I don't know I mean listening is hard and I don't I don't know that I'm really cut out for it but I don't know, maybe he's a really good listener and actually heard me. So we finally found me. So we finally found a podcast that speaks to

you. Pure bliss. It's so good that when you finish the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule. What now? Personally is here for you. It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. When Ben first heard his dog Ruffles talk, there was something about it that felt inevitable. Like everything until that point had been an awkward pause in their conversation. In the beginning, most of what the dog had to say was limited to some variation of,

are you finished eating that? It was exciting, but there was no hope of getting ruffles to speak to any deeper or ontological matters, like, what's it like to be a dog? How is it that you've begun to speak? As the dog was always so hungry. If he could only satiate his appetite, Ben thought, then perhaps they could move on to matters more profound. So Ben began to stuff the dog with food in the hope that once he was full, he'd be able to pick his brains.

For weeks he fed him multiple meals a day, the empty. cans of dog food piling up in all corners of the kitchen. When Ruffles was finally ready to move on to a new topic, he weighed close to 200 pounds, which, as he was a dachshund, gave him the look of an overstuffed bratwurst. How is it? asked Ben, as he took Ruffles out for a slow, lumbering walk, that you've begun to talk. Don't know, said Ruffles. Do dogs believe in God? asked Ben. And if so, do they think he or she looks like a dog?

Do know. Ruffles didn't seem to know anymore about anything than humans did. The days passed with Ben asking his questions and Ruffles responding with indifference. As it turned out, the only things Ruffles seemed to hold strong opinions about were little things, like the proper use of who versus whom, and pronunciation, for which he was a stickler. It's pronounced Internet, scolded Ruffles, not Internet, and it's human beings, not human beings. And what do you dogs think of us, human beings, Ben asked, trying to change the subject, and get at something larger.

We laugh behind your backs for picking up after us, Ruffles snapped. But we human beings love you so. You also love TV and fast food, Ruffles said dismissively. But our love for dogs is different. Ben knew this was certainly true for himself. He'd raised Ruffles since he was a little pup, no larger than a cocktail weenie. And he was glad to finally be able to express

that love, and have it comprehended, if not at all, reciprocated. The weeks passed, and it seemed as though Ruffles was never content unless he was contradicting his master. If Ben said it was cold outside, Ruffles said it wasn't cold. It was just turtleneck weather. If Ben said cantalope was better than honeydew, Ruffles. said honeydew was better than cantalope. Ben began to long for simpler days, back when his dog did not speak. In his silence, Ruffles had always seemed to be such an agreeable dog. Were Ben to have

imagined him talking back then, it would have not been in the voice of a cranky schoolmaster, but in the pleasant, drawing voice of, say, Owen Wilson. Engaging with a talking contradictory dog for weeks on end will take an adverse toll on a person, and unsurprisingly, Ben began to feel his grip on reality loosen. He tried to be the master, tried to assert his natural dominance, but it wasn't long before Ruffles, who'd begun insisting he be called Reginald, started to take control. He undermined Ben at the dog park, made room. rude remarks about his hygiene in front of his friends, and sent him off to bed each night,

whispering invalidating vocalizations into his ear as he drifted off to sleep. Eventually, Ben decided to head off for an open-ended stay at a country sanitarium, where he could be in nature to spend time with flowers, trees, and animals that were silent. Be a good boy while I'm away, Ben said uncertainly, as he shuffled out the door. Do not patronize me, sneered Ruffles. With the place all to himself, Ruffles was glad to get back to what he cared about most, eating, not talking. It was while standing in the kitchen about to fix himself a snack, as he stood staring at the cupboards, that a realization slowly began to take hold.

Opening his mouth, Ruffles very quietly muttered, to whom will I turn for help, in opening these bloody cans of dog food. $2.909. What is the world coming to? Where's the prunes? Used to be in the canned section. Maybe they're keeping it in the fruits. Monday.

There's a clean-up in aisle four. Clean-up in aisle four. What that? A jar of pickles has fallen to the ground. Or did it jump? Is that? We will never know. Howard?

The sour juice spills out on. the tiles, like lifeblood, seeping from a wounded hero. How? Solved forever in its wounds. Getting itself, it declate the pickles. What's the story with pickles, folks? Where's that coming from? Is it just a glorified cucumber?

And what's with a kosher pickle? Well, it makes it kosher. Howard? The rabbi eat it? What are you doing? Oh. Hey, John. Hey, I didn't know you shopped here.

What's going on? You can't just hijack a grocery store PA system like that? You're going to get kicked out. I'm not getting kicked out, John. I work here. Okay, this is my radio. show. What do you mean radio show? This time you're walking to my

studio. You are aware you're in a grocery store. I'm aware of where I am. Behind a butcher counter. This is live on the scene broadcasting, John. You wouldn't know anything about this. If you excuse me, I'm on air. God. And now for a little request from Kathy in the fish aisle. She'd like to hear easy

listening track number six, Kathy? Here you go. From me to you. So what? They just let anyone come in here and talk on this all day long? They pay me to talk on this thing all day long. Who in the world would pay you to blather into a PA system in a grocery store? My friend Nick, the delivery guy, this is his cousin's supermarket. Oh, I see. They hired me to do all their in-store announcements. But, you know, I thought, why waste everyone's time with the same old spill and I all three, Barry to checkout counter,

blah, blah, blah, when I can take it to the next level. So the show is called Shopping with Howe. Shopping with How? Shopping with How. And it's on from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday to Friday. basically the opening hours of the store and it's quite the hit. Howard, no one's listening to you. They're going about their business. They're shopping. I'll have you know, John.

I have fans, okay? Oh, really? I have fans and they're way more dedicated than your fans. Oh, are they? See that woman? See that woman there behind the mound of bananas over there?

She's been gently squeezing that cantalop for an hour and a half. You know why? Because she's enjoying my show. Oh, I see. It's engrossing and people never want to leave. Oh, and what's with the bloody apron? This is my uniform.

This is my broadcaster's uniform. That's a broadcaster's uniform. Yes, it is. Are you working here as a butcher's assistant? That's part of the job, but that is not the full job. Because you see, at the CBC, they don't actually make us host our radio shows while slicing culbasa. All right, but let's say you're in the middle of a corner, you want to make a sandwich.

Can you get access to a sandwich like that? No, you cannot. Howard, I don't, I don't even know where to start with this. And welcome back to Shopping with Hal. Just want to let you know that there's a special on Maini today's shoppers. Just ignore that expiry date. Don't let Big Mayo tell you what you can. and cannot eat. And you know what else is special? Turning 65. That's right. It's Mr. Stefano's birthday

today, one of our most loyal customers. Mr. Stefano, swing by the bakery counter to get a free sample of cake, and don't forget a slice for me. Okay, well, I'm going, Howard. I'll let you get back to your little radio show, okay? I'm going to finish my shopping. Wait, wait, wait, actually, you know, it's actually kind of cool that you're here. Would you want to do a cameo? A cameo on the grocery PA system. Oh, you listen to the tone in your... It kills you. It kills you to be a second banana, doesn't it?

You can't take it. Put your ego aside for one minute. I'm sure everyone would get a real kick of hearing your voice. Why is that? You know, because they probably know you from my show. How do they know me from your show? Well, you know, you're always talking about me on your show, so I talk about you sometimes on my show,

and so they're familiar with you. They know you. What do you tell them, Howard? I tell them about my friend John. And he's got a bit of a drinking problem, and he's always getting up to these zany antics. What antics? Like misplacing your grandmother's ashes or losing your passport over and over again. I mean you flushing my passport down the toilet?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest in the studio today, Jonathan Goldstein. Howard, no, you don't. You know him from his rambling monologues on our competitor station, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Howard, I don't. I'm from the recording of his poetry reading and his high school talent show that I played on the show last week. You what? Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Goldstein. Howard, I'm not doing this.

Folks, isn't that cute? He's a little shy. Almost as the shy as the time he peed his pants in front of the whole school in grade night. Folks, that never happened. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Okay, let go to the mic. Eric, get off.

Just let go with the mic. I'm controlling the mic. You just speak before. Turn this long. Let go. Howard, get me. Stop this. This is an issue.

This is not a show. This gentleman, by the way, just mentioned jungles. He's named the cash. It's $5 off any bottle of verpe or vodka. Security to the bunch of counter. Security to the bunch of counter. Security to the bunch of counter.

On Wiretap today, you heard Gregor Ehrlich, Jennifer Brandel, and Howard Chackowitz. Wiretap is produced by Mira Bert Wintonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. For more CBC podcasts, go to cBC.ca slash podcasts.