Wiretap - Sloth (Pt.6 of Seven Deadly Sins)

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

Josh steps-up his lazy-game by looking to the sloth for inspiration while a world-class worrier demonstrates that fretting is industrious work.

It's summer, and it's going to be a hot one in Canadian politics. I'm Catherine Cullen. Join me and some of CBC's best political reporters as we bring you all new summer programming, focused on everything from negotiating with Donald Trump to Canada's climate goals, to the future of the Senate, and more. We'll talk to the chief of the defense staff and a top senator. We'll visit the Maritimes to learn about the future of energy production there. Catch the House Saturdays wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, part six in our ongoing series on The Seven Deadly Sins, Sloth, in which the Sloth inspires a revolution.

The kitten is dethroned, and the hare accuses the tortoise of cheating. You have batteries? AAA. I might have batteries. you know where you can also get batteries at the store? You've got to go to stores. You're coming to me, pal. My remote doesn't work.

Might I suggest you're getting off your rump? This is a lifestyle choice that I've made. I expect you as my friend to support it. What is this lifestyle choice? John, I've decided to step up my lazy game. Meaning, do I have to spell it out for you? Because, quite frankly, that's work. So I think of my life as one long Sabbath.

And what has inspired this? I watched a documentary on the sloth, and I thought, you know what? Very, very inspirational creatures. Are they? They barely do anything. They hang from trees. They're basically like the Animal Kingdom's version of a hammock. So does this mean that you're going to start hanging upside down?

Is that a part of this whole thing? I tried it. It makes my hair frizzy and my food come up. Are you aware that a sloth moves only three meters in its entire lifetime? That doesn't sound right. John, they said it in the documentary, which I was watching because I couldn't change the channel since my remote control didn't have any batteries. The sloth is basically like a koala bear doing Tai Chi. Everybody loves the sloth.

Why? Because they see reflected in sloths what they want to be themselves, but only I have the courage to go for it. Everyone else is a coward. I mean, don't mess with them, right? Because they will very, very slowly gouge your eyes out. All right, so this documentary has changed your life. I couldn't change the channel, and it changed my life, which will be the title of my memoir. How are you enacting this change?

I'm basically trying to strip out all the extraneous actions from my life, bathing, doing anything. I sleep 23 hours a day. This is my talk hour. This is when I call people to have them do things for me. Your muscles are going to atrophy if you keep going this way. What do I need muscles for, right? All my life I've done the heavy lifting. Isn't it a time that I finally rewarded myself? with a lifetime of completing activity? Josh, you're going to get bed sores. That's why I have my girl come in twice a week. What girl?

My intern. She comes in twice a week. How did you get an intern? I told her I work for the CBC, and she's very interested in career advancement. You can't just say something like that. She's getting valuable work experience, John. She's finally putting their liberal arts degree to use. In today's society, it's actually more easy than you think to drop out, right? I get everything delivered.

So then what do you need me for? I miss the closeness of our friendship. Well, that's very sweet. And I need to be turned. You can use the shovel in the front hall. You might not want to handle me directly. My skin secretions can be quite caustic. Josh, I am not encouraging this.

Ridiculous fantasy. It's not a fantasy, John. It's the way that I choose to divorce myself from reality. Think of it as a reality show, the world's laziest bachelor. Pierre Saint-Aamon, you're the author of The Pursuit of Laisiness, an idle interpretation of the Enlightenment. That's right.

How was laziness viewed in the Enlightenment? Not very well, as you probably can imagine. The 18th century is actually sometimes called the Age of Industry. So with the rise of the industrial age work itself becomes, you know, the sole virtue, and therefore laziness is seen as not contributing to the state, to the welfare of the nation. But in the book, I address the authors and the philosophers that actually wrote apologies for laziness. So they were trying to defend laziness? Exactly. So one good example is a very special writer whose name is Joseph Joubert,

who apparently spent a lot of his time basically in bed. He never produced any book itself, but he left tons of notebooks. So he was so against work that he ended up not even leaving behind any book. That is right. He was too lazy to find a publisher? Exactly. He simply abandoned himself to this type of attitude of laziness, not wanting to become involved in a type of productivity where utility is the goal. I mean, he wrote a lot against Newton, against Voltaire.

He despised them. He saw them as busy things. philosophers. And sees this as a bad thing. Yes, yes. He sees that as a bad thing, absolutely. You know, he was himself so busy, busy producing nothing in a way. There is a quote, I think, that maybe you may appreciate. He writes, I would like thoughts to succeed one another like stars in the sky with order and harmony, but relaxed and dispersed.

Yes, I would like them to mill around without catching or sticking together so that each one of them could subsist on its own. So it's like these ideas dispersed in his notebooks are like stars, and the stars are these cosmic flanours. Yeah, that's absolutely it, exactly. What in your opinion do you think we miss out on as a society by rushing through life in the way that we do? It could be simply, you know, the time taken to look at things, to valorize the world in front of us.

I think we live in a time when we don't even spend the time to smell the coffee, you know. Yeah, I mean, I'm looking at my coffee cup on my desk right now, and it's got like one of those sippy lids. Yes, yes, yes. You don't, it's as though smell of coffee has been taken out of the, equation. I can't even smell the coffee. They have made those cups, you know, ready to go. So you could run out the door and pour it down your throat and it's... Absolutely, absolutely.

We don't take the time to basically enjoy the, I think, the senses. You know, there are many, many virtues to slowness. And I think to take the time of doing nothing is life, you know. Pierre Saint-Amain is right. There is nothing wrong with doing nothing, just sitting back and taking the time to enjoy the little things. Nothing slothful about spending time with your goddaughters, watching YouTube videos about sloths.

Oh, look how cute. The nose is our old pink. Oh, he's getting a buzz cut now. Oh, look at him squirm. And so the idea is that now sloths are the cutest animals on the internet. Is that it? Totally. So cute.

I love them. But it seemed just like yesterday you guys used to be into showing me videos of little ducklings and panda bears. And talking pugs that say, I love you. How do they say, how do they say, I love you? I love you. I love you. Now, like, if you look at like a puppy or something, do you just feel like, ugh? I mean, puppies, you can see them anywhere, but, like, baby sloths are, like, the new trend.

They're the best animals ever. Well, what's, why? What's so great about slots? They hug, they're fuzzy, and they hang upside down from trees. What's cuter than that? And it's so cute how they're like, I'm a sloat. Can I bring up one point, though, to you guys? What?

Have you ever heard of the Seven Deadly Sins? I don't know. Okay, there's greed and there's envy and then there's pride. One of the Seven Deadly Sins is sloth. And what sloth means is being too lazy and not working hard enough. They're not lazy. They work so hard. Isn't it like hard enough to act cute all the time?

If they stop for one second, snap, all their admirers are all gone. No, but it comes naturally being cute. It's not something you have to work at. That's what you think. Being cute is work enough. How much more could they do? Well, I don't know. I mean, you look at other animals like cats, you know, they catch mice. Dogs help blind people to see. Pigs give us bacon. Excuse us, bacon? That's their job.

No, it's not. Oh, yeah. Isn't that their job, Katie? No. Don't. Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I have your attention, please?

Honorable animals of the Forest Council. Secretary Otter and Chairman Skunk, I'm sorry, but I must interrupt. I know that time is of the essence, so I'll try to keep my remarks brief. I stand before you not an arrogant hair, nor a flashy hair, as some of you would have it, but merely a hair who cares about this forest and all of its creatures. I've not come here to cast aspersions on the tortoise. This is not a time for bipartisanship. Whether you be a hair man or a tortoise man, we must all work together.

But to save the forest from its impending doom, it's important you know the truth about the race known as tortoise versus hair. Or, as the tabloids put it, tortoise beats showboat hair in upset of the decade. The fact of the matter is, the tortoise cheated. I know how this makes me look. The hair is a poor loser, you say. The hair has a problem with tortoises. Well, I'll stop you right there. Let the record show that I've nothing against turtles of any kind.

The snapping turtle is godfather to 27 of my kids for crying out loud. But if you think there is any chance that tortoise beat me, fair and square, you are deluding yourselves. Tortoises aren't socially conditioned to think they're still. They are slow, and regardless of being given the right opportunities and mentorship programs, they will continue to remain slow. And let's be frank, they're slow, and then there's lazy. And our friend the tortoise is lazy, a lazy sneak. You see, the genius of the tortoise is that he plays up that whole slow southern gentleman sipping lemonade thing to mask this. laziness. Go ahead and ask him for a favor, and you'll see what I mean.

Let me check my schedule, he'll say, and after 20 minutes spent watching him turn a single page of his social calendar, you give up and go home. And guess what? The tortoise wins again. So imagine my surprise when one morning I wake up to discover the entire forest is talking about how I challenge the tortoise. Think about it. Why would a hare challenge a tortoise to a race? It doesn't make sense. What would it prove? If I win, I'm an ass-f-h-ha-and-if I lose, I'm an embarrassment to my species.

But again, that is the genius of the tortoise. Oh, how I was vilified after that race. In the picture they ran on the cover of the Forest Post, I'm pulling my whiskers out and stomping on my top hat, yelling at a judging official. There I was, the arrogant buck-toothed hair with the fabulous libido that everyone loves to hate, finally receiving his comeuppance.

And the lies that were told about the race itself. Why would I stop just shy of the finish line and eat a large turkey dinner with all of the trimmings? I'm a vegetarian. Or why would I pull out a beach chair and take a sun tanning break? First of all, I burn easily. And second, what am I an idiot? In the days after the race,

when I put forth my multiple tortoises in multiple forest nooks theory, I was labeled a paranoid, a conspiracy nut, not to mention a speciesist for suggesting that tortoises all look the same. But I knew then, as I know now, that there was a network of them, tortoises all working in cahoots, stationed behind trees, hiding in briar patches all along the racing route. Nonetheless, the tortoise was awarded the title of Fastest in the Forest, and I'd no choice but to shake his horse.

wrinkled little green hand and congratulate him. But dear fellow forest dwellers, back to the business at hand of this emergency meeting. As Smokey Bear alerted us this morning, the forest is burning. Time is of the essence, and with all due respect to the authority of this council, sending the tortoise your number one racing machine as messenger to alert the creatures of these woods that there's a fire raging and that they must run for their lives. Not the best choice in the world. The tortoise left three hours ago, but if you rise up onto your hind legs, you can still see him down at the bottom of the hill. See? He's been lying there eating a lettuce leaf for the past half hour.

If you just give me the okay, to get running, hopefully it isn't too late, and I can still spread the word. All in favor, say I, for the love of this forest and all that is good, please, please, say I. If you're absolutely loving your summer read and don't want the book to be over, your experience doesn't actually have to end when you finish reading. I'm Matea Roach, and on my podcast bookends, I sit down with authors to get the inside scoop behind the books you love. Like, why Emma Donoghue is so fascinated by trains, or how Taylor Jenkins Read feels about being a celebrity author.

You can check out bookends with Matea Roach wherever you get your podcasts. Like our friend the Hare says, there's slowness, and then there's laziness. But there is actually a kind of labor that can take place in a completely motionless state. For those whose minds never remain idle, but are always busy, anticipating problems and enacting test drills for worst-case scenarios, life is a constant, exhausting work in progress. Some might even say that from the moment they open their eyes in the morning, It is a worry in progress.

Now I'm worried that there was a power outage in the middle of the night, and it might not really be 7.20 a.m. right now. Now I'm worried that my walls are so thin, I kept my neighbors awake all night with my snoring. Now I'm worried that my shirt is still damp from hang drying, and I'll catch a pneumonia if I wear it. Now I'm worried because I don't know who to call to get the knot out of my sweatpants. A handy man? Now I'm worried because I can't find my belcro shoes, so I have to wear ones with laces and might get sucked into an escalator.

Now I'm worried that if I turn on the hallway light on my way to the kitchen, a flock of moths will race out and some of them will get in my ears. Now I'm worried that my house will blow up because I plug my kettles' two-pronged plug into a three-pronged outlet. Now I'm worried because I can't get my banana open. Now I'm worried that bees will come out and attack me if I put honey in my tea. Now I'm worried that termites will eat one of my chair legs while I'm sitting on it.

Now I'm worried that the grocer has fiddled with the expiration date on this juice. Now I'm worried because either my new Lipitor pills are silver or I just swallowed my watch battery. Now I'm worried that one of the raisins in my cereal was a bug. Now I'm worried I might trip on the carpet on my way to the bathroom and break my wrist. Now I'm worried that one of my fillings will fall out and both my dentists will be on vacation. Now I'm worried that soap will go in my eyes and I won't be able to see the faucet to turn it off and I'll flood my house. Hello, no one is available to take your call.

Now I'm worried because the phone call I just missed may have been an emergency. Hello, it's Ruth from the book club reminding you to print this week's notes for our meeting tonight. Thank you. Goodbye now. Now I'm worried because my toner cartridge is empty, but I'd need to make a difficult left turn to get to the staples in the mall. Now I'm worried that if I don't get to the mall soon, it'll close while I'm in there and I'll be locked in overnight, and I'll starve because the food court will be gated off.

Now I'm worried that every time I get a key made, the key people make a duplicate for themselves. Now I'm worried that my neighbor's chimney is on fire. Now I'm worried because the squirrel in my oak tree has lost weight and maybe he has a nut allergy. Now I'm worried that I'll run into some big wig from my book club and they'll see how dirty my car is. Now I'm worried that my Saturn doesn't really have airbags

and that the salesman in the hat was lying. Now I'm worried that the driver of the truck next to me is distracted by that wavy blow-up doll on the tire store and he'll veer into my lane. Now I'm worried about this very dangerous left-hand turn. Now I'm worried that the car behind me is worried about their left-hand turn too. Now I'm worried that my granddaughter will get pregnant because she just got her braces off.

Now I'm worried that when my grandson gets Lasix, there'll be an earthquake and he'll have to wear an eye patch for the rest of his life. Now I'm worried that I hit the snooze bar instead of the off switch, so my alarm clock will disturb my neighbors while I'm running errands. Now I'm worried that my emergency brake may have been up for the entire trip. Now I'm worried that the automatic doors will shut on me and cut me in half to teach me a good lesson. Now I'm worried that my grandson will get those things in his ears

that'll make his lobes the size of silver dollar pancakes. Now I'm worried that they won't accept my 10% off coupon for the ink cartridge cartridge because it's slightly torn. Now I'm worried that the clerk will copy down the numbers on my charge card and flee the country. Now I'm worried I won't remember where I parked my Saturn. Now I'm worried that my Saturn has been vandalized, then stolen, then salvaged for parts, and left on concrete blocks in a dangerous part of town. Now I'm worried that the cashier's acne was really chicken pox. Now I'm worried that I got the wrong toner cartridge.

Now I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm too wound up to take my afternoon nap. Now I'm worried that the ceiling fan will fall and slice me up in my sleep. Now I'm worried because I've been keeping my batteries in the refrigerator, so some of the voltage may have traveled into my larger. Now I'm worried about Drew Carey getting fat again.

Now I'm worried that dwarf robbers broke in through my dog. Now I'm worried that. that the bank tellers prance around all the area. Now I'm worried that there won't be enough pickles on my sandwich, and I'll need to go back and look at it from it. On Wiretap today, you heard Joshua Carpatti, Helen and Katie Pallad Wiesel and Pierre Saint-Amain, author of The Pursuit of Laisiness and Idol Interpretation of the Enlightenment. You also heard my retelling of The Tortoise in the Hare, which was inspired by Lord Dunseney's retelling of the Aesop's Fable.

At the end of today's show, you heard, Now I'm Worried, which was read by Katie Malick and was written by Nancy Cohen and Brian Fraser. Brian is the author of Hypercondriac, one man's quest to calm down. For more adventures and worry, follow them on Twitter at Now I'm Worried. Special thanks to Francis Foster in the role of Ruth, the book club lady. Wiretap is produced by Mirabirdwin Tonic,

Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. Now I'm worried that I didn't wash my hands long enough before I handled that peach. Now I'm worried that the revolving restaurant I'm going to for a bar mitzvah next week will fly off and crash like a frisbee. Now I'm worried because my fortune cookie said, I'm about to get into a romantic situation, and I'd rather not at this point.

Now I'm worried about saying lip balm around airport security because it sounds exactly like lip balm. Now I'm worried about all this thread count chicanery because my left cheek is a little itchy.