Wiretap - The Final Frontier

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

While first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, receives honorary degrees from MIT, second man on the moon, Buzz Aldrin, is stuck doing space-themed fast food restaurant openings. Listen in to their embittered email exchange, featuring David Sedaris as Armstrong and Jonathan Goldstein as Aldrin.

Hi, everybody. I'm J.B. Poisson and I host Frontburner. It's Canada's most listened to daily news podcast. Just the other day, we were in a story meeting talking about how we can barely keep up with what's going on in Canada and the world right now. And like, it's our job to do that. So if you are looking for a one-stop shop for the most important and interesting news stories of the day, we've got you. Stop doom scrolling. Follow Frontburner instead. This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein on CBC Radio 1, today's episode, The Final Frontier, in which time is traveled, space is explored, and David Sedaris sips moon martinis. Griffin, Tranquility base here. The Eagle has landed.

Roger Twink. Tranquility, we copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot. I'm going to step off the land now. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for man-cent. Dear Buzz, long time here. Hey, what are you doing on the 10th?

I double-booked the speaking thingy at the Library of Congress on the same day I'm supposed to receive an honorary doctorate of astronautics at Stanford. Because I'm getting old and forgetful, huh? So what do you say? Up for a speaking gig? The money's insane. I mean, even if they pay you half what I was getting, it's a crap load. Interested?

If so, I'll have my girl put you all in touch. It's really been too long, old pal. Let's get together and barbecue some steak with the wives, and let's do it soon, yeah? before they put a man on Mars, as it were. All the best, Neil. Well, if it isn't my old commander, Neil Armstrong. The tenth, eh? Hmm.

Let me just check my calendar. Now, the tenth of what month did you say? Oh, wait. It doesn't matter what month, because I have nothing going on at all, ever. Do you know where my last paycheck came from? A ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new space-themed fast-food joint in La Jolla. That's what being the second man on the moon gets you.

The SOBs made me dress up in a Buzz Lightyear costume. We're going to go with the more famous astronaut named Buzz, they said. Make more of a splash with the kids. I still can't get the ketchup stains out of my spacesuit. Keep your charity. And do me a favor. Will you stop calling me Buzz? I hate that nickname you gave me.

My name is Edwin, signed Colonel Edwin Eugene Aldrin Jr. Astronaut. Excuse me, Colonel. Sue me. I happen to like the name, Buzz. It was the name of my first dog, a cocker spaniel with a spastic colon. God, I love that mud. Anyway, I suppose it is true. I was the first man on the moon, if that's a sort of thing you're keeping track of. I certainly don't. I find that kind of scorekeeping petty. First, second, who's counting? Like I always say, George Michael needed as Andrew Rigby, Daryl Hall needed his John Oates, and Neil Armstrong needed his Buzz Aldrin.

No one mixed a moon martini like you did, old friend. Now, stop being such a silly and tell Papa how you like your steak. Signed the number one most popular space hero in the world. Neil Armstrong. P.S. Kidding. Neil, you are not kidding. You know, I didn't fly 66 cobalt missions receive a doctor of science and astronautsics from MIT, spent 10 years at NASA, and fly to the moon to end up doing career day in the Aberdeen Middle School gymnasium. But that's my life.

And why? Because I was shoved out of the way by some megalomaniacal jackass barreling down the stairs yelling first ease, if only the world knew what a schmuck their hero really is. You know, you're adorable when you're angry. If memory serves correctly, you were terrified of moon monsters and begged me to go ahead and make sure the coast was clear. Anywho, as long as we're talking turkey here, that first step, oh, sweet mama.

The feeling was not unlike the first bareful. step, I took on to my parents' freshly shag-carpeted rumpus room when I was 13. Second step? Eh, seen it. Done it. Stepped it. Nope, nothing like that first step. It's all the dreadful bore after that. You know, fun fact, I wanted to do it well barefoot and but the jerks and ground control told me I had to keep my moon boots on. Stupid ground control jerks. The point I'm trying to make is that we can't always get what we want. But if we try sometimes, we get what we need. What I get may happen to be dinner this Tuesday night

with the vice president on the White House lawn. And what you get is a bark-a-lounger, cardigan pockets full of Kleenex and a book-of-word jumble puzzles on your lap. Big diff in the end. We're both pretty lucky, I'd say. Let's give thanks, Neil. Again with the rumpus room carpet,

When we returned to Earth, half your comments to the press were about that stupid shag carpet. You were first because you tricked me, Neil. I was taking the Nassau required pre-extra-vehicular activity nap, and you promised you'd wake me up so we could step out hand-in-hand, together. But no, you didn't want to share the world's attention with anyone. Hand-in-half? Like a couple of old ladies trying not to slip on the ice? Like hippies?

Oh, sure. Maybe do a little sand dancing in the lunar dust while singing Mr. Bojangles? Stop being such a child, Buzz. Hand in hand. Yeah, that would have made a great postage stamp. A couple of men prancing around in a daisy chain like the Rockettes. I am an American, sir. Not a chorus girl.

Now, I might be misremembering some, but didn't the base request me to send in order of height? Guess you should have packed your platform moon boots. Get a grip You ingrate Need I remind you I'm the one who came up with the one small step for man One giant leap for mankind And I had to convince you to use it

Do you remember what you wanted to do Bring a box of Ritz crackers down to the moon's surface And say Hey I thought this thing was made out of cheese Classy Armstrong Real classy I still think my cheese joke was more memorable. Everything's got to be so serious with you science guys.

Oh, one big step on the moon, one giner step for... See, I can't even remember it. And do you have any idea how much the Ritz Cracker people were going to pay me? I better stop because I'm getting myself worked up. I am sick of standing in your shadow watching you get all the glory. Let me be blunt. I was an astronaut, and you a mere civilian, not to mention a scoundrel and a thief. You stole my step.

You are nothing without that step. Okay, Buzzy Boy, you asked for it. Here comes the Straight Talk Express. Talk Express. Chew! Chew! If you hadn't been so busy napping through life,

who knows? Maybe you would have been the first man on the moon. Maybe if you hadn't been such a sleepy dud in the boudoir, your wife wouldn't have had to seek out the comforts of a real man. A real go-getting,

first-stepping, six-figure speaking, gig-netting man. Not that I'd ever act on those bedroom eyes of hers, but I'm just saying. I'm a great guy, and it's time you stop taking me for granted.

signed, Neil, my arms are stronger than yours, all the better to hug your wife with if I was that kind of guy, which I'm not, Armstrong. Huh, funny. I mean, you're being here on Earth and all, exchanging emails with me when you could have just as easily been floating around, dead in space. Do you remember, Neil, how I saved your life that day, how you didn't want. want to leave the moon? What is there for me on Earth, you asked? My wife and kids hate me, and the hippies are taking over the planet. With only a few days left of oxygen and a handful of orange tang, you wanted to colonize the final frontier. You had space madness, Neil.

You were mad from zero gravity, mad from oblivion, but mostly mad from delusions of your own grandeur. Do you remember how before takeoff I had to do you? to pull you back into the lunar module and buckle you in, kicking and screaming, if it wasn't for me, you'd have died up there. That you don't remember. But fortunately, I have a memory aid. I still have that photo of you rocking back and forth

in the spaceship, your thumb in your mouth, and the American flag wrapped around you like a trauma blanket. Maybe seeing it on the cover of the next Cape Canaveral newsletter will jog the old memory, A. Armstrong? Okay, let's just hit the pause button, Kim Osabi. Let's not do anything either of us will regret. Now, maybe I've been a little insensitive here.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I could be a little more proactive about getting us double-billed. Neil and Buzz at the White House. Neil and Buzz doing a cameo in the next Harold and Kumar movie. How does that sound? You know, Buzz, more than anyone else, It's you and I who should have perspective on how small the Earth really is, and how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things,

even our differences. Do you remember looking out the space shuttle window and seeing our planet out there in the blackness, looking like a lost little marble? It's us Earthlings, Buzz, who make each other feel big or small, and I'm sorry for making you feel petite. Now, why do you just go on and tear that old photo up and hightail it over this weekend for the biggest, fattest, juiciest steak you've ever seen.

I won't take no for an answer. I'll have my girl get in touch with directions. Okay, Neil. Sounds good. Thanks for bringing me back down to Earth, as it were. I didn't get into this business for the glory anyway. I got into it out of love for the Great Beyond. And moon martinis.

I'll whip us up a couple this weekend. Sincerely, Edwin, Buzz, Aldrin. Great. And by the way, I'm being honored at the Smithsonian next Thursday, and I'll be needing to make a speech. Think you can rustle me up another one small step? And if you can throw in the line about cheese, all the better. Thanks, old friend, Neil. Dad, if you were to make first contact with aliens, what would be the first thing that you would tell them? I hope you come in peace.

Welcome to this world that I live in. Also, if you have new discoveries for the cure of what we have in curable diseases, please bring it, bring it forth. You strike quite a formal tone with the aliens. I guess I do, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm wondering whether, you know, if aliens came, I'm wondering whether I'd be shocked by the way they look. Because, you know, I'm assuming I'm going to be talking to somebody that looks somewhat like I do. I mean, a guy wearing a fanny pack, jeans.

But it probably won't be so, and it'll probably be kind of shocking. Who knows if he'll even be communicating with me in the way I do. Maybe he'll be doing it through telepathy. Who knows? How would you respond to being communicated through telepathy? I guess I'd be a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe I'd get used to it. And, Mom, you want to lean forward?

Your mind? Were you sleeping? No, I'm fine. Let's say you were the first contact with aliens that came from outer space. What would be the first thing that you would tell them? I don't know, because I'm not the kind of person that talks about aliens. That's your father's speed, not mine. Well, let's say, you know, through some kind of freak accident or whatever, they ended up coming to you.

What would you tell them? Hi, aliens. Welcome to Montreal. It's nice to have you here. I'd like to know what life is like for you guys. Life here is very quiet, uneventful. I like to relax a lot. Tell me about yourself.

What is your life like? I can give you some recipes and help you find an apartment. If you come live in my area, the rents are not so expensive, but you might want to be better located. So look around, and if you need help, call me, and I'll be glad to go out with you. We can have fun. What kind of fun?

What would you take them to do? We can go to a movie. I don't know what else we could do. What else is there to do? I go for a walk. I go to work. And what would you tell them about mankind? I think basically men are born good and they are good.

It's just life makes you do crazy things. Life makes you do crazy things. Can you say more about that? Life makes you lie and cheat and do dishonest things. But there are people that still make. maintain their goodness and their kindness and their honesty, even though life teaches them the same lessons as everyone else. They still maintain their goodness. And that's not easy to do. So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you, pure bliss. It's so good that when you finish

the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule. What now? Personally is here for you. It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. You're a senior astronomer for the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute.

Yes. We call it the SETI Institute. We don't want to spell out all the words, but you've got it correct. Okay. Can you describe your job at the Institute? Well, what we're trying to do is find life in space and not simply any kind of life. We're looking for the intelligent variety, and that means life that's capable of building a radio transmitter so that we can detect their presence. So you're trying to reach extraterrestrial intelligent life through transmitters? No, we don't broadcast. This is strictly a passive experiment. We're listening.

We're trying to eavesdrop. We have, you know, very big antennas, and we have receivers that are monitoring millions of channels at any given time. And these transmissions that you're hoping to receive, they can travel from light years away? Yes, of course. I mean, the radio waves move at the speed of light. They go right through the gas and dust that's between the stars. They move through space even easier than ordinary light, and you know that ordinary light can travel many light years.

Just go out tonight and look at the stars, and you're looking at things that are typically hundreds of light years away, and you have no trouble finding them with nothing more than your eyeball. Was there ever a moment where you all got excited, felt like you know you were hearing something, that might be a sign of life? Well, we have had some false alarms, and they're exciting for a while, but most of those are very quickly dispatched

because we find out that they are just due to local interference or telecommunications satellites or whatever. But there have been occasions on which we've found a signal that, at least for a period of hours, in one case, more than half a day, look like it might be the real deal. None of them was, but that's a very exciting time, of course. Yeah, what does that feel like?

it makes you nervous. That's what it does. It makes you terribly nervous because you realize that whatever you have planned for the next couple of weeks, a couple of months, for that matter a couple years, all of that's going to change. And in fact, humanity is going to change because humanity, in a sense, will never be the same again. And so if you ever did make contact, what would you want your first communication to be? Like, what would you want to say? Well, this is not communication, of course. It's not back and forth. If there are 1,000 light years away, communication is going to be very tedious.

But, you know, do you have music or do you have religion? Those are two questions. I'd like to know the answers to those. Just ask them, is there a God? Is religion something that truly is universal, or is that just a strange peccadillo of, you know, homo sapiens? You know, as far as I can tell, canaries, don't have religion. So that's why I would ask that question,

and I would be interested in the answer to that. And so how likely is it, you know, that you'll ever get to ask those questions? Like, how likely is it that anyone is... out there listening. Well, we don't know the answer to that. What we do know, however, is that there's an enormous amount of real estate. I mean, our galaxy has a few hundred thousand million stars in it, and thanks to work of astronomers during the last 15 years or so, we now know that the majority of those stars have planets. Now, how many of those planets are the kind where

you want to live that have liquid water, for example, on their surfaces, oceans, if you will, or maybe atmospheres? I mean, we don't know the answer to that, but it looks like it's not unreasonable to assume that that's at least a few percent. And if that's the case, then the number of other earth-like worlds, or worlds that could support life, at least, just in our galaxy, is measured in billions with a bee. And by the way, if you don't like our galaxy, we can see at least a hundred billion other galaxies. So there's so much opportunity for life that if we are really it, if we're the smartest things in the universe, then we're some sort of miracle. When you contemplate the immensity of the universe and all of the potential life that is out there, does it make you feel smaller?

No, it doesn't, actually. You get that question a lot, you know, as an astronomer, doesn't the size and the long time scales of the universe kind of dwarf you and make us seem quite insignificant? Well, I don't know, we're clever enough to figure it all out, or at least a lot of it out. And that's rather remarkable. A famous quote is the most remarkable thing about the universe is that we can understand any of it. And we can. It's amazing how much of it we've learned. And so, in a sense, yes, we're physically diminutive.

We're not very large compared to, you know, the size of a star or a galaxy or anything like that. But on the other hand, unlike the stars of the galaxies, we do have this capability to look out there and understand what's going on a little bit, and that's kind of exhilarating. Hello, Tom, of your life vacations. How can I help you? Yes, hello. I was looking to go on a little vacation, and I heard that you offer some good travel deals. Yes, yes, we have. We have a few great deals. You've come to the right place. Are you looking for a romantic getaway or maybe a brocation with a good bro? No, no. I was actually just looking to get away on my own.

Okay. That's nothing to be ashamed of. So let's... Right. No, no, no. I'm not ashamed of that. Let's see what we got. Just a second. Let me... Oh, I'm sorry. We're just so slow. This computers are slow today. Oh, well, looks like we have a great special on a weekend in Manhattan in the 30s. Is that interesting to you? A weekend in Manhattan It's New York in the 1930s The package includes hotel accommodations In the Heart of Times Square

Dinner for two at the Roosevelt And a mission of the grand opening of the Empire State Building 1931 What do you say Now when you say New York in the 30s Is this some kind of historical reenactment travel package? Is this the first time you're calling? It is the first time, yeah

Okay, well let me just fill you in a little bit This is time of your life vacations, where your time travel to a destination of your choice. I mean, name your era, we'll take you therea. You'll take me there. So, let's see. I mean, if Manhattan and the 30s, that's not what you're up for, and it's not for everyone. I mean, it's a bit dirty. How about a visit to the Italian Renaissance?

I mean, that's a real favorite. People love it. They come back saying, oh, my God, the guided tour at the Da Vinci Studio, it's fantastic. And you get a ticket to a wonderful magical performance, and then for $100 more, You can add your own stroke of paint to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel while it's being completed. That is impossible. No, no, it's absolutely possible. Who do you think added the two-pack lives detail in the southeast corner of the Sistine Chapel?

I mean, we've since had the band school trips as those kids. No, no, I mean, time travel is impossible. Haven't you seen back to the future? Yes, I have seen it. It's a movie. It's not real. So, I mean, it seems to me that, you know, you're running some kind of scam. Excuse me?

Well, I mean... What did you say? Are you suggesting that I'm some kind of crook? Well, I mean... I mean, if you'd bother to check our website before you cold called us like this, you'd see we have dozens of testimonials. We've never had a complaint, and we've never lost anyone in the past. Okay, all right, fine. So what about the future then?

Can I time travel to 2056? Don't be ridiculous. You can't go to the future. It hasn't happened yet. But if I want to go back and frolic with dinosaurs, that's totally, that's possible, right? Sure. We have a lovely safari adventure in prehistoric times. You get to ride around on a woolly mammoth and hunt pteradactyls.

And then we have a roast, kind of like a luau with some Neanderthals who come out and do some fire juggling. And they're quite frightened of it because they've just invented it. If time travel exists, then why isn't it being used by, you know, say NASA or something like that? Why is it being... Why would NASA use it? Are there spaceships in the past? What's American space agency? Not time agency.

That would be Nata. Okay. So now how does this... How exactly does this work? There's a machine. And what principle does this machine operate on? I'm sorry, we can't reveal our technological secrets. Oh, no, of course you can't.

It's a patent. Oh, I see. The secret patent, sure you understand. Oh, of course. I don't like your patent. I mean, I, it's completely absurd. Okay, I've got the perfect package for you. It's called Travel Back in Time to Before You Were Born and punch your own mom in the face so she never has you and you can spare the world of your horrible existence.

That is awful. How do you like that package? It's on the house. That's a terrible thing to say to someone. How about this? How about I go back in time to your grandmother's house and I scare her to death dressed as a giant bear? Does that sound like a good package to you? It sounds amazing to me. On Wiretap today, you heard David Sedaris as Neil Armstrong

in a story written by Jonathan Goldstein and Mira Bert Wintonic. Mr. Sedaris' latest book, Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, is now out in paperback. You also heard Buzz and Dina Goldstein, Seth Shostack of the SETI Institute, and Sean Cullen. Wiretap is produced by Jonathan Goldstein with Mira Bertwintonic and Crystal Duhame. C-manus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal. 12, 11, 10, 9. Ignition sequence dot.

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0. Lift-off. We have a lift-off on Apollo 11. For more CBC Podcasts, go to CBC Podcasts, go to CBC.