Wiretap - The Price of Fame

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Ever told someone "I owe you one"? Tucker cashes in a long owed favor that leaves Jonathan wishing he'd never uttered the phrase.

My group chat thinks I'm the smart one, but I have a cheat code. I take 10 minutes each morning and listen to World Report. Knowing what's happening in the world helps me feel connected and make better informed decisions. But endless doom scrolling is not my idea of fun. So I just listen to World Report on my commute, get informed, and get on with my day. World Report, the day's top stories in 10 minutes, wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein on CBC Radio 1.

Today's episode, The Price of Fame. Wednesday. It's John Tucker's birthday, and we all meet at his favorite steakhouse. All during dinner, we take pictures of each other with our cell phones. As always, the object is to take the most unflattering, candid photo possible. Tucker snaps one of me talking in mid-blink, my mouth full of lamb chop. Gregor takes one of Howard, staring at Tucker's half-nodd steakbone, while licking his top lip. There was a time when taking a photograph was an event, I say, when every phone didn't come with a camera.

Could you imagine if they had, Tucker asks, one of those clunky twin-lens reflex cameras electrical tape to a rotary dial telephone? As I am considering such a thing, Howard hands me over his. cell so I can see what I look like considering such a thing. All the while, Tucker is taking a picture of me looking at what I look like when I am considering such a thing. Gregor gets up from the table, shattering this postmodern hall of mirrors. At present, he is working as the CEO of an upscale children's clothing chain, and he's just received an alarming message. Evidently, they've understocked the baby socks, and Gregor doesn't like the sign they're putting up to explain the shortage. The sign they came up with reads,

Whoops, sorry, we're all out, but we're taking baby steps towards getting more. Gregor thinks their whole approach is fundamentally flawed. I told them, he says, that selling out is nothing to be sorry for. Putting on his coat, Gregor tells us his sign idea. It would read, gone next time get here faster stupid gregor should be working with a product where the customer is more open to being abused crack cocaine perhaps or as it turns out me hello i think you have potential to reach a much much broader audience if we could just keep you from talking look i this is the audience that i have

you're thinking like a guy who already lost the race there is no race there sure is no there even know the race is on You didn't even get the notification in the mouth to come and pick up your t-shirt the day before because you're not even on the mailing list for the race, I'm telling you. All right, what's the race? The race is to the top, Lady Gaga style. Where do you get off comparing me to Lady Gaga? I'm telling you, you can start your show with a dance number, and you engage the audience. You get them to get up and dance with you?

Gregor, you realize... And you leave them until everyone has sweat dripping off their noses. This is a radio show. Yeah, I know. No, but no one could see me dance on the radio. The live audience would see you dance. I don't have a live audience. I know you don't have a live audience.

you don't have 10 Rolls Royces and a chauffeur who you abusively call by different names every time you address them. But that doesn't mean you can't have that. No one wants to see me come out and do a can-can. I'd end up hurting myself. Why do you think people go to monster truck rallies and see people jump over 10 airplanes

on a giant nitro-fueled funny car? Not for the same reason they listen to a public radio show. You come out and do your signature flip-flop dance to open up the show. Believe you me, you're going to have the crowds on their feet. Believe you me. Yes, believe you me. You start this thing.

Cannon fire. Suddenly, what's that little pinprick on the horizon? Hey, what's that? What can it be, a bird, a plane? Is that a crazy person who got fired out of a cannon wearing a speed skater suit and a cape? Imagine the buildup. You're arcing through the sky.

Boom, you land on the ground. Big cloud of dust settles. Maybe you wreck the set. The whole place is on their feet. Who is this? The new superhero we should know about that will be built into a movie franchise? Suddenly, climbing out of the rubble.

You're like, hello, everyone. Oh, my bronchitis, my lungs. Oh, I don't feel so good. Could someone bring me a glass of water? That's the cue from the stage manager when you say, could have a glass of water? He throws your pearl-handled cane with the silver stud, sideways to you.

You grab it right on cue like a professional. Then you kick off your flight suit. You're wearing beach clothes straight out of Key West with a pair of flip-lops. Lights come up, bright yellow. You start dancing like a madman. Your feet are in a frenzy like a bumble. these wings. You're dancing back and forth on the stage.

Okay. For your next show, we find someone who looks like you, who's your twin, and we sew you together like a Siamese twin set. And it's like, hey, ladies and gentlemen, here's something I ever revealed. I have a Siamese twin attached to me. And we we saw on your twin, and they turn around, and it's Carol Burnett. You and Carol Burnett.

Okay, all right, okay, okay. You look a lot of lights. You look a lot of lights. I got a call waiting. I got to go. Come on. I got a million more ideas. Hello? John St. Goldstein? Howard. Oh, my God. Wow. What?

You gotta forgive me. I'm sorry. I like that you get in a bad time. Yeah, you are, actually. You always are. I can call you back at another time. I'm so sorry. Since when do you care whether you're calling me at a bad time?

I know what I was even thinking. It's like, oh, let's just call Jonathan Galton. Let's see what's available. And you picked up the phone, and I'm just kind of talking and rambling. Listen to my voice tremble. I'm trembling. Howard, have you been mixing jam and that pig fat again to make, what do you call it, marmalard? Marmalard.

No, no. It makes you a little loopy. No, I'm just, I am starstruck. I am just actually starstruck. You have such a beautiful voice. It's even softer than this on the radio. Do you need some money? Is that what this is...

It's so funny. Howard, do you need money? You know that you're calling me for it? Oh, man. I'm actually crying. Was that scripted? Okay, Howard, what has happened since the last time I spoke to you? You know, I ordered some pizza,

and what I like to do sometimes is I'll go to the restaurant, and I'll order the food, and then the delivery guy, this guy, Nick, he'll drive me back to my house. With your food? Yeah, it's just a call to take on delivery. I can guarantee it's there fresher, but I get out for a little bit.

So we're in Nick's car, and then I heard your voice on the radio, and I said, wow, that sounds like a friend of mine. He's like, a friend of yours, that's Jonathan Goldstein, that's the host of the show of Tep. Wiretap. And basically, he's a big fan,

and I just could not believe it, I mean, I knew you had a radio show. I just didn't think that people actually listen to it. But, I mean, like, people actually, like, tune in and listen to your show, and I'm just a little bit giddy. I'm thinking that I'm going to come over there right now. I'm going to snip a little lock of your hair. No, no, Howard.

You're not going to snip a lock of my hair. Well, you've got to grow some. And then I'm going to snip some because you're bald. You're bald. Okay, Howard, I'm going to hang up now. Wait, wait, wait. Like, how long have you been doing that show? I've been doing it six years, house.

Six years. And how did you let that get under my nose? those like that because wow six years of laughter and tears that's the breath of your genius Jonathan it's not just that you're funny but you can be cripplingly pointedly depressing at the same time i mean not only have i been doing the show for six years but on occasion you you've even been on the radio show what are you laughing at you gotta give you a break Howard i'm not kidding my tummy tum hurts howard you've been on the radio show i've been on your show yes anything. I've told you, Howard, I've, you know, I've recorded our telephone conversations.

In what context? No context. I mean, you just call me up on the telephone. I'd hit record. You know this. You're saying that we have talked on the telephone. Just like we're talking right now. And you have recorded this. Yes. I don't be known to me.

Well, I didn't think it was a minute. My utterances. Do you have like the memory of like a hamster? People hear me on the show? Yes, Howard. Many people hear you each week. So basically what you're getting at here is that if I'm on the radio show, and I'm known for being on that radio show, then in a sense, I, oh, my God, oh, my God, I'm famous. I am a celeb.

No, Howard, not quite. Not quite. Like where basically people wouldn't want so much a lock of your hair, but they would actually prefer maybe a lock of my hair. I don't think anyone wants a lock of either of our hair. Or pieces of my clothing or underwear and stuff like that that I can potentially sell online. Okay, Howard, I don't like where this is going. John, I don't see how you could have kept this for me for so long.

Howard, I didn't keep it from it. Am I the radio right now? Is this being, am I alive right now? Hello? No, Howard, no. When am I on? How do I know if I'm on? You never told me that I'm on, Jonathan.

You just have me yammering on there, John. I don't even sound right. I should be talking like this. Hi there, folks. Oh, God. I mean, I have so much to catch up on here. I mean, in essence, I could be going to movie openings. Howard, I don't do that.

I could be launching ships. No, Howard, listen, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself here. John, this is crazy. All this lost time, I mean, I've got to get out there. I've got to get myself some of the sunglasses, walk some red carpets. Howard, I think what you need to do right now is just calm down. I'm going to take advantage of this. I am a star.

Famous Howard Jack, which is back in town. Hello. Wow, what a day. Oh, you're back. This is the life, John. This is the life. What life? We live a life that only little people can dream of, Jonathan.

We are little people. Well, I mean, you are a celebrity of a sort. But I'm a personality in and outside the role. Like, you know, I'm like the fun. You know, like when I'm on the radio show, people applaud and cheer when they hear me. meet grace the airways i can imagine you're kind of more like the mr cunningham kind of just you know fat and old and blend right so what what monkey shines have you been getting up to today what haven't i done i'm i'm afraid to ask after talking earlier uh i realized the first thing i had to do was just go

down to the coffee shop and make some some business cards for myself oh right that would i guess be the first move yeah just you know mark it my name well what do these what do these business cards say power check with celebrity this is celebrity just celebrity well but i mean isn't that sort of like like a contradiction me if you are a celebrity then you don't need a card that says you're a celebrity there in life the irony and that in turn makes me seem more like a celebrity hair that makes absolutely no sense and yet everyone knows what's what and I just showed them and if I should get into trouble let's say I smack a police officer in the face you know why why stops me to ask me

directions smack it excuse me I'm I'm busy right now are you a producer are you a director no who are you you not important to me smack across the face right and then give my business card and then he'll know who I am and he'll back off if he's smart. And on the card, by the way, I put your name as well as my manager slash agent. Because someone has to be accountable for my behavior, and I haven't really hired anybody yet. That's a whole other... You put my name on your... Yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. All the info's on there, so don't worry about that. I have your home number, your cell number, your work number, your parents' home phone number, and your social insurance number,

I think I put on there as well. Okay, so you had yourself quite a day. Oh, such a day. I mean, I walked into a restaurant today. I ordered a very, very expensive meal, and I walked out. And you paid for it? No, no, no, no, I walked out. I would say dined and dashed, but I didn't dash. I just did a very leisure least roll out the door.

Howard, celebrities pay for their meals? You don't get free meals. No, celebrities don't often pay for their meals. You know, it's all sounds like fun, but it's not all, you know, wine and roses, you know. No? Yeah, you know, the paparazzi. Oh, I see. They put a piece of me.

They're piranas. So you had paparazzi. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I just spent, you know, a good portion of my day just running, running with my, with my coat over my head, holding my sunglasses against my face, just running for my life. Everyone's trying to get a cheap shot next thing you know you're on TMZ or something like that. I mean, I slept, oh, hang on, John, because I was just getting a call coming.

Oh, you know, your assistant doesn't take care of that? Well, I'm talking to my assistant right now. You're not doing a very good job. I'm your assistant. I thought I'm your agent. I'll be forced to take this call myself. Hang on a one sec. So you finally found a podcast that speaks to you, pure bliss.

It's so good that when you finish the five. final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule. What now? Personally is here for you. It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. Yeah, Howard. What's going on? I was, you know, at that restaurant there, I'm quite upset.

About you're not paying the bill. How did they... I left my card. Just to let them know that I was there, I thought they would put it on the wall or something. I even signed it. So, so what happened? They're demanding their money, essentially, and threatening to call the police. Anyway, I guess we should probably get off.

Yeah, we should get off the phone hour. You should deal with this. No, because they're going to be calling you. What do you mean they're calling me? Well, I just basically told them that you'd be paying for the meal and you would send them a check. I would. Well, I mean, you know, you manage my money and... You have no money. You have my money. Oh, great. I'm getting call waiting now.

Oh, that's them. Hey, uh, maybe when you speak with them, ask if they'd be into any kind of celebrity endorsement. You'd be like Shea Luigi and Howard. Find Italian cuisine. Howard, I'm not going to do that. I mean, they're clearly a big fan. I mean, they're calling. They're calling, Howard, because you robbed them. Well, that ad, maybe they want an autograph. Howard, I'm going to hang up now.

Hello. Hey, man. Oh, hey, John Tucker. I thought you were someone else. I can ask you just a quick question about your memory? Okay. Can you remember that time you opened a jar of mustard and exploded all over your shirt? I thought we were never going to talk about that again.

And you had that dinner with that editor guy that you were late for? Yeah, you lent me a shirt And I thank you, thank you very much You do remember, you remember that? Yes, I do What a memory, amazing Amazing, what an amazing Do you remember saying to me

I owe you one? Because today I need the one Wait, hang on it, John, that's just something People say, they say I I need the one today Can you give me the one? Did you just sigh? Was that a sigh?

Well, you know, John, I mean Mr. Showbiz is too big to do A friend of solid now, is that it? Well, John, no, I mean In the Winnipeg, all of a sudden You can't get your hands dirty. John, I have better things to do. I'm in the middle of writing a monologue. Can't you get someone else to do it? It's just easier if it's you and stuff like that. You know, I mean...

Okay. All right. All right. What, so what needs to be done? Well, you live right on the corner from me, so I just needed to pick up my car and then pick me up. That's all you got to do. Okay, fine. I don't have your car keys. Well, that's the thing. My car keys are at home right around the corner from you. Wait, so you want me to break into your place? Do I, do I, do I, I, I have to break into your place? No, no, no, number one. Is there any ladders involved? No, no, number one, my place is impenetrable.

Nobody's breaking in. And two, my friend Newtown has a spare set of my house keys, so just get those keys. Okay, all right, fine. Where is she? She's at work. You know, I called her already, so she's expecting you. Just head over there. It's on the TransCanada, just off the highway.

The highway? Yeah, it used to be like, I don't know, like three buses to get there. I think now it's four buses. John, four buses. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. You're probably used to limos and piggybacks now. Is that it?

You know, it must be nice to be served and catered to all the time like this. Who ties your shoes? Presidents and prime ministers? I've never met any prime ministers. I met Trudeau once, eating Sue Blackie on St. Vader. True story. He was a man of the people. All right. Anyways, get the keys to her house, go to her house. Wait, wait, hang on a second.

I asked her already. She doesn't have my keys on her, so you have to go to where she works to get the keys to her house to get my keys. She'll give the alarm code. What? Find my house keys, put the alarm back on, and this is important. go back to where she works immediately to return her keys because she's, like, mental about that, go to my place with my spare keys. Right. Once you have them, get into my apartment, grab my car keys.

They're on my desk. And I drive your car to pick you up. Exactly. It's actually parked right in front of your place, so. You're kidding. I have to make a big circle. Well, unless your celebrity friends taught you how the hot wire a car, yes. Where are you?

I'm downtown. I'm about to walk into a movie. You know, parking downtown is just like ludicrous. You're telling me that you want me to take a bus all over the city. Take your bike. You want me to bike on the highway. You know, you're making this into too big a deal. I'm not making into a big...

You want me to trek across the length and the width of the city and come back to where I started because you didn't want to pay for downtown parking. You're not the same. I mean, what happened to you? You don't... You don't get to choose when to help people, Jonathan. You just help.

Have you lost that part of your humanity already? Already? Remember the mustard. Remember the mustard. So I'm doing all of this because of a jar of mustard. Don't blame the mustard. That's not why you're doing it. You know why you're doing it, showbiz.

You need to be reminded of, you know, where you came from. You know, your original place in the world, that place that has always meant so much to you, I'm giving you that round trip. You know, in some ways, I'm doing you a favor. All right, fine. So, you know, give me about six hours, and I'll be there to pick you up. Awesome. I can count on you. Do you have any money on you?

Because the car could use a wash. No, no, why waste any money on it? I'll wash it myself. Really? No, not really. Oh. Oh, by the way, my little cousin is turning eight tomorrow and he's having a birthday party, and he asked me if I can ask you to get Rex Murphy to come perform? What kind of a kid likes Rex Murphy?

What are you jealous, showbiz? How could you be threatened by just everybody? Any kind of a name is mentioned? No, no, it has nothing to do with that. What do you want the gig? Is that it? No. You're going to come to perform? No.

What are you going to come to perform? What are you going to bring to the party? You know, you can show with your mother and you dream at you in front of the kids or something. That's what you think my show is? If the phone on your driver's license, a picture, do you scream me at your mother? Not having an easy day of it. This is this going to be very long.

You're always calling me at the worst possible time of day. What? I have things to do. It's after school. I have to make dinner, and you have that sound, that tone to your voice, where you're about to go off on some tangent. Come on, you know, I talk to Howard when he's feeding his dogs. Don't even go there with the dogs, John. It's not the same thing. They're animals. They're not children. Well, I mean, they're practically like his kids, those dogs. His dogs don't have homework. No, but they get worms.

His dogs don't go to gymnastics. They need to be taken for a walk. Oh, please God. It's not the same thing. All right. Okay, fair enough. You win this rent. You know what? I win what? The children aren't dogs? Thank you. Point taken. I'll take it. We agree to agree. Why are you calling me? And make it short. I have sick friends. They're not normal. What's around? Well, when people see you as a kind of celebrity, they treat...

Why is that so funny to you? You don't actually consider yourself a celebrity, do you? No, no. I'm saying that my friend... Friends perceive me that way and then have certain expectations of me. You know, Howard just went out and made himself business cards. And John just called me up asking if I can get Rex Murphy to perform at his nephew's birthday party. Friends ask friends for favors. What's wrong with that? That's normal. That's how friends usually interact.

You work at the CBC. John wants Rex Murphy. Obviously, he would call you. You're the connection between him and Rex Murphy. Yeah, obviously. I'm sure Rex Murphy has nothing better to do than to do a lawn party for an eight-year-old. You know what? I could just see them, you know, in a pair of Bermuda trunks on a slip and slide. Should I remind you that you've known Howard and John for like, what, 25 years? So this has nothing to do with your show. It has nothing to do with who you are, Jonathan Goldstein, the celebrity.

These are people who've known you when you were a kid. Oh, I know that, but it's just sort of like, I'm looking for a sympathetic ear. Is that so wrong? You called the wrong person. Okay. You want a sympathetic ear? I'll put Helen on the phone. She listens to you.

You're 10-year-old. She has patience for you. She really does. I know. She'll probably grow out of it, so enjoy it while she still does before she realizes you're a nutcase. Okay, all right, put her on the phone. Hold on. Johnny.

Hi. Helen. How's my goddaughter? I'm great. Yeah, how is school today? It was good. I was just talking with your mom about. Well, I guess I was talking about being popular.

Mm-hmm. Well, some of my friends try to be popular by, like, wearing nice sparkly clothes, personally. It wouldn't make me want to be friends with some. Sparkly clothes. Like, if I was a kid in your school and I covered myself with glue, and then I gave myself a shower and sparkles, and I came to class, would I be the most popular boy in school? No, really not.

No, if I was like, I'm sparkly. Definitely not. Do you think you're popular? Popular enough. What do you call popular enough? Well, I don't want to be really popular because I don't kind of be annoying. Yeah, exactly. I was just talking to your mother about that.

Oh. It can be really annoying. How has it been annoying? Or how do you think it's annoying? Well, people are always like, Halloween, Halloween! Hmm. So what would it be like to be too popular, do you think?

Oh, when people are following you everywhere you go. Like, they always want to be with you. Hmm. Like, even if you're mean to them, they wouldn't, they won't care. And then what do you think that would do to a person? Hmm. Well, like, they'll be like, oh, I don't. So I can just be mean to them and they'll still do whatever I ask.

So then they won't really get the meaning. They won't get the meaning of... Friendship. What do you think the meaning of friendship is? Well, friends are always there for you. Okay. Like, you'll know someone's a good friend. Like, if you're with your friend and you're not, and you feel happy,

then they're a good friend. Yeah, I guess that's a really good, that's a really good way of putting that. What do you think the meaning of friendship is? Oh, it's the old turning the tables routine, eh? Mm-hmm. Well, I guess I think that, I guess I think that it means...

Okay, what do you think it means? Sometimes doing things that maybe you don't want to do, you know it isn't all just having fun you know yeah I guess I think that friendship means I think a friend is

someone who traveled down the road and back again yeah whose heart is true who is a pal and a confidant are you reading that from the dictionary I'm saying that if you threw a party and you invited everyone you ever knew you would see

that the biggest gift would be for me and the card attached would say thank you for being a friend why would it say that I don't know this is doesn't that sound nice that's a theme song to the golden girls it's a TV show what are you what are you doing on the phone it's called parenting supervision supervision I'm her godfather some great godfather you are do you remember where you got her for her eighth birthday you gave her wiretap greatest hits compilation CD. She doesn't have a present for her, not something about you. No.

You, you, you, you. Remember you gave me my birthday present? Didn't have any tapes. So you glued it. It glued it the wrapping paper. Okay. I'm getting it from both ends. In Wiretap today, you heard Gregor Ehrlich, Howard Chakowitz, John Tucker, Mary Claude Palette, and Helen Palat-Wiselle.

Wiretap is produced by Jonathan Goldstein, with Mirabergentonik and Crystal Duhame. Thank you for being a friend to travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant. And if you threw a party, it invited everyone you knew. You would see the biggest gift would be for me, and the card attached would say thank you for being a friend. And if you threw a party, it invited everyone you knew.

You would see the biggest gift would be for me and the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.