Wiretap - There's No Ship Like Friendship: The Best of Season 6

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Howard launches "Jonny 2.0", a monolog machine that can stand in for Jonathan when he goes on vacation.

It's finally summertime. I'm Nala Ayyed, host of ideas. These last several months, maybe longer, have tested our Canadian pride. So that's why this summer, we have some special programming lined up for you. We're revisiting conversations with Canadian artists and thought leaders who are moving this country forward. You'll also hear a special series I did where we traveled across the country asking people how to make Canada better. So join me for a special Canadian society. Summer on Ideas.

This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to Wiretap with Jonathan Goldstein on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, There's No Ship, Like Friendship, The Best of Season 6. Welcome to the Automated Relationship Replacement Hotline, Prototype 1.4. patent pending. And I'm here to help you through this difficult time. If you've recently ended a romantic relationship, press 1. If you believe yourself to be suffering from empty nest syndrome, press, you have pressed 1. Ended romantic relationship. If you would like to hear a well-meaning, but ultimately ineffectual pep talk. Press 1. If you would like to proceed directly to this

Substitute love function. Press 2. You have pressed 2. To massage the back of my neck with affection. Press 1. To squeeze my hand. Press 2. You have pressed 1.

That felt nice. If you would like me to tussle your hair in a return show of affection, press 1. If you would like me to verbally assure you, press 2. You have pressed two. You are the best. If you would like to be told that I love you, press the star key. To forego this feature, press 9. Are you still there?

You have pressed the star key? I love you. To tell me you love me back. Press 1. 2.4 go. this feature, press. You have pressed one. You love me. Thank you. To nuzzle your face into my hair and tell me all your hopes and dreams. Press one. To confide in me your secret fears, press two. You have press two. If you'd like a moment to curl up and a fetal ball on a couch, bed, or floor,

Press 9. To immediately record your fears into our database, press. You have press 9. I will wait. Please press 7 when you are ready. Before we begin, if you would like me to play some instrumental music to underscore your pain, press 1. You have pressed 1. Let's proceed. Go ahead. Tell me your fears. Please proceed. Are you still there? You may begin at any time. I am waiting. I am patiently waiting. Please continue. I am patiently waiting. Howard? What are you doing here?

I know sometimes I come down just for no good reason. No, that's not true. Well, you treat my studio as a sort of sacred place. You're throwing me off here because normally I would come down and you'd be quite irate because I interrupt your work. That's right. I'm being sarcastic. Right now you're being sarcastic? Well, yes.

See, that's even more sad because I'm coming here to talk to you about our relationship. Our relationship. Our relationship. No, Howard, we don't have. We have a friendship and a friendship is a form of relationship. And no, no, let me say what I have to say. Must I? I mean, it's either this or we're talking a good thing.

three, four years of therapy, John. And I don't, you know, we don't have their money right now. Will we take that trip to Costa Rica? I have no idea. Okay. And what? So many couples, you know, linger on for years, well past their expiry date. And now what do you want?

I thought it would be fun. I brought some questions here that I prepared in the spirit of, like, the newlywed game and the dating game and things of that nature. Why? I think it would be fun to see how well we know each other and, and let me just find. Where is it? What is that you have here? Trying to get to the CD deck here.

There we go. Howard, what is that? This is music for the relationship game. The relationship game. We're going to work on a relationship and have fun at the same time. You're learning about me. I'm learning about you. We're enjoying the music.

Howard, we are not going to host. Just dance a little bit. I am not going to dance. You never want to dance. You never want to have fun. You never want to go for coffee. But you know what? I'm entering this whole new piece.

period with a great new attitude. I'm going to try to encourage you to the same. All right? Here we go. Jonathan Goldstein, welcome to the show. I'm your host, Howard Chakwitz, and we're here for this edition of The Relationship Game. The rules are simple.

I'm going to ask a question, and basically, you're going to try to see what you know about me, and I'm going to try to see what I know about you. So your contestant and the host. Question one. What conditioner do I use? You use conditioner? Stop the music. Yeah, I use conditioner in my hair after I shampoo.

I know what conditioner you use in your hair. How would you know what conditioner I use? Organic avocado original essence. How do you know that? But I'm right, aren't I? Disturbingly, yes. Yes. And why are you going through the things in my private items in my bathroom?

Jonathan, if you were in a coma and you needed to have your hair washed, wouldn't it be reassuring to you to know that there was someone there who knew exactly what you wanted to do? If I were unconscious, I would not want you in the same room as me. I will be there to feed you. I will be there to dress you. You can wear matching leisure suits. All right. Question number two.

If I were Santa Claus, okay, and you were a little boy on my lap, what would you say? Even the idea of it is sickening. That's an indication of how disturbed you are. If you were Santa Claus and are in your lap, what would you say to Santa? I'd say, Santa. Are you the ex-host of a failed radio show? And you'd say, yes. Okay.

See, I was being sarcastic to Jonathan. then it hurts. Oh, all right. Next question. If I were a cat and you were a dog, how would you handle our first date? I'm not even going to answer that. It doesn't even make sense.

First thing that comes to mind, what would we do? We'd go out for dog food. That's very telling. Every single answer. How is that telling? I'm a cat. I'm supposed to eat dog food. That's our relationship in a nutshell.

I'm a cat, and I'm forced to eat dog food. You second me. Next question. Describe my ideal date for a rainy afternoon. It's so creepy. Describe an ideal date for a rainy afternoon. Okay. I don't know.

I mean, I guess, video games and fried chicken? I like video games. I like fried chicken, but is that my ideal date? I don't think so. Okay, Howard, I don't know. Hot dogs would be involved. Just hot dogs That's your idea of the perfect rainy day date

There's nothing more romantic I know what your ideal rainy day date would be Are my wrong You know what Just has a little speed round This is actually I didn't even plan for this Okay let me just change the music What's my favorite TV show?

I don't know What's your favorite TV show is Canadian version of antique road show What's my favorite dessert? You know what you like? You like saltines with a squeeze of lemon juice What's my favorite song? Uh, uh, uh, Mr. Bojangles, that's your favorite song.

When you're, when you're really drunk, you sing it into your fist. You even know you're doing it. And I actually used to find that charming. What's my bank account number? I don't know what your... John, I know your bank account number. Why do you know my bank account number? Why wouldn't I know your bank account number?

I mean, I know your PIN number. I've even copied the key to your safety deposit box. Should you ever lose it? I keep that safely around my neck on a cord. John, if I can be any animal, what would I be? This is like, anybody knows this. Bison? Yeah, I'd be a bison.

You're right. So someone can hunt me and chop me into very lean but delicious steaks. A squirrel, Jonathan. I love the frolic. You know, I love squirrels. I mean, I know that you love squirrels. I didn't know that you wanted to be a squirrel. I remember when you were nine years old,

do you remember that suit that you wanted to create out of bread and lie down in the grass in order to trick squirrels into swarming all over you and eating... I went to a specialty baker and he made me a suit made of bread so that the squirrels and birds can eat off me and I can be one with nature. You remember that?

Of course I remember that. I'm genuinely, genuinely moved. You mean genuinely moved? Yes, genuine, genuinely. Oh, you. Oh, you. You try to act like a commision, but you know how to pierce

that thick hide of hate that I was building. Okay. Day after day, thicker and more and more anger and rage. Okay. Quite a cold, detached distaste for you. Oh, well, that marked the end of our show. John, you didn't fare that well today, but there are some lovely parting gifts.

What do I get? Well, that's up to you. You're going to be buying the parting gifts. Where am my parting gifts? I'm going to give you parting gifts. You must give me parting gifts, and I'm not going to part without my parting gifts. Howard, I have nothing for you.

I won, and don't force me to use your safety deposit key. You want to talk about parting gifts, John, I will empty it of all its parting gifts. I'm talking about your grandmother's coins. How do you know about my grandmother's coins? Watch. You have these really savings bonds in there. You're listening to the sound of a tent unzipping.

You're listening to the sound of a tent unzipping. You're listening to a bathtub being filled with lukewarm water. You're listening to a Siamese kitten sleeping in the sun. You're listening to the sound of someone writing a poem. You're listening to an orthopedic shoe being unfastened. You're listening to crackers being crumbles. So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you, pure bliss. It's so good that when you finish the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule.

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Where is that coming from? Out of concern for you. Oh, really? I'm concerned for your abnormal behavior. Uh-huh. Don't you roll your eyes at me? How do you know I'm rolling my eyes? I can feel it.

Anyway, can we just get back to the topic at hand? Why must you be peculiar 24? hours a day. Well, you know, I'm just being me, that's all, you know? Yeah, well, that hasn't worked out too well for you. Maybe it's time you start being someone else. Hey, stupid. Put the phone back to your ear. I'm talking to you. How did you know that I just move the phone away? Because I'm a sensitive young man, and I can tell what I'm talking to someone who's holding the phone at an arm's length. No, you, I don't know how you could tell. That's very strange.

I'm like a ninja on the phone, and I'm attuned to the subtle changes in your voice tone, and I can tell what you're up to. I can tell your body position. And I know when you're picking it, that thing on your face and your disgusting habits like that. How do you know what I'm doing with my face? What are you, like, across the street, spying on me? No, I'm not across the street. I'm just very perceptive. Gregor, no one is that perceptive. You're creeping me out.

All right, you want to know how perceptive I am? Do you remember when your smoke alarm went off about a year ago, and I came and fixed your battery? Yeah. Well, I also installed a webcam in your smoke detector. What are you talking about? Look into the camera. camera.

No, Gregor. Smile. Wave to me, Johnny. You do not see me. Wait, watch this. I'll zoom in. Oh, I can see your nose hairs needs some trimming. You cannot, Gregor.

That is ridiculous. Anyway, the point is you gotta stop picking at your face. What do you... How many fingers am I holding up right now? Four, three, two... You're telling me that you've had a camera in my apartment? Let it go, Johnny. It's the past.

We're moving on. I mean, you've done some terrible, terrible things. You've done some terrible things that I had to sit through and watch. I can't... I suffered more than you did. at this footage. Let's just call it even, okay? I can't even believe what you're telling. You know what watching your camera's like, it's worse than a security camera?

Because there's all kinds of dead air footage where you're not even home, and I'm just looking at your wall. Which, frankly, is a little more interesting than when you are home. You just sit there hour after hour of nothing, nothing, nothing. I'm sorry to disappoint you. Well, you kind of blew it. You know, the only good thing that I saw on the webcam all year, really, is remember when you were dancing around your apartment by yourself one night all sad and drunk? Griger. Your dance moves were very impressive.

You shouldn't be seeing that. Oh, is that the kind of friendship you want? Is that what you'd prefer, that I don't put a webcam in your house? Yes. You want to live in a little lonely island walled in with bricks of loneliness? That's what you want? Yes. You know, Johnny, I should have expected this of you to get it all wrong.

This was just affectionate on my part. I thought you'd be touched, you know? Touched. It's like instead of email or phone calls are being like, hey, why don't you drop me in line once in a while to text me on my phone? I don't need that, right? Because I just got a camera in your house. I want to check him with Johnny.

I tune into the Johnny channel, 24-7. Gregor, you're talking about a spy camera. Spy camp. Spy cam is your words. I call it a friendship camp. This is a total invasion of privacy. Privacy, Johnny, have you even heard of Twitter? Facebook? Get with the program, my friend. People are micro-blogging every little detail of their lives to a million anonymous fans every day of the week. You have no right to have reasonable expectation of privacy.

In my home? In your home, in your workplace, in your car. Gregor, you're really scaring me right now. Scared, you're scared of me. Johnny, I'm scared of you. You just wiped your mouth of the sock that you found on the floor. And you walk around your house and that tattered Ebola-films. bathrobe that looks like something al-Qaeda created to drop on the enemy. You know, this is the biggest betrayal of trust you have ever perpetrated since I've known you.

Oh, come on, Johnny. This is hardly the biggest betrayal of trust. Remember that time you caught me selling your colonoscopy, x-ray film to the smoking gun? Okay, you know, I'm taking the smoke detector out of the wall. Well, don't come crying to me when you're a burnt-up pile of ashes because your house burned down. I am going to take this right out. Looks like you're using a metal screwdriver, which is going to give you. you a shock and kill you. I can't get this out, but I want you to come over immediately to take it out of my wall.

Johnny, I'm coming over, don't worry. I got you covered. But if you didn't have that webcam installed, I would never have known that you need me to come over and help you. I asked you to come and get rid of it. How ironic that the one thing that you are mad about is the one thing that would save your life. That is not irony. I wouldn't have been trying to take it out of the wall. You would have fallen off, broken your ankle, maybe even your neck.

Cats wouldn't have anyone to take care of them. They would have eaten your face. It's so ironic. You don't even know what I'm not. irony is. You don't even know what ironing is. Look at your shirt. It's all wrinkled.

Will you just get over here and take it out, please? Fine, fine. I'm going to come over. Keep your breeches on. I don't know what you're getting worked up about. I got cameras all of your house anyway. Excuse me? What did you say?

Nothing. Would you relax? I'm just putting on my shoes. Do you have other cameras in this house? Johnny, don't you concern yourself with technical talk. Cricker, I'm going to move. Move all you want. I got motion capture cameras.

No, I'm going to move from this apartment. Do you understand? Listen, Johnny, if you want to move, go ahead and move. move. It doesn't make any difference to me. I'll even set up your new place for you. No, you're not even coming in the door of my new place. But seriously, would you do me one tiny favor? Would you put on a motion-capture blue skin suit would really

help me with the focal range? What's up? Hello? Hello. Gregor? Yes. This is rap master Maurice. Rap master Maurice. Absolutely. Word around town is you got a friend named Jonathan Goldstein, and sometimes you aren't very nice

to him. So I made a rap about it. What the hell is this supposed to be? Well, my name's Maurice, and I'm here to say, the way you dissing Jonathan is causing great dismay. Where you're always putting them down, man, all you do is harassed. You're like a school at five o'clock, man. You got no class. Now, just one second.

There's some advice for you. And I think it will work. You should probably stop being a gigantic jerk. Oh, I'm a jerk, am I? You need to do an attitude 180, home boy. Peace. I don't know what I did to deserve that, but I didn't like that one bit. Hello?

Howard? What's that machine you're bringing into the studio? Looks good, huh? It looks rusty. John, what you see in front of you right now is the John Goldstein 2.0. This is you. Well, how was that me? Basically, I took the liberty of tape recording some of our conversations.

Oh, have you? And another stuff off the radio. Using editing equipment to refine some of the raw tape. And I just worked some of these buttons, and here's a little example of Jonathan Goldstein 2.0. Hi, this is Jonathan Goldstein. That's really creepy. Or I push this button. Mustache.

Or I can push that button. Sandwich. This button. Uh-huh. Or this button and that button in succession. mustache sandwich you see or this one now you can take that long vacation you've always wanted while the new you takes over Howard that's not the new me that's a that's a machine let's see you're out of town I can come to the studio you would I mean I'm the one that's familiar with the machinery

I would sit down press the buttons get your salary and you're vacationing you're having a great time you're drinking and you're sitting and drinking this is the most ludicrous idea you've yet to come up with is it it is compared to all the other ideas I've had top five this is one that's piquing your interest, though, obviously. No, it isn't. I can see the glimmer in your eye. That's not a glimmer. There's a shine in your eye.

There is no shine in my eye. That's saying Howard in the studio, peace of mind. Those words, they don't go together. Not like these words. Mustache. Spaghetti. All right, Howard, enough, please. Just hear me out for a second here.

Now, you're going to get the experience to be interviewed by Jonathan Goldstein. Oh, am I? See, it's funny because you've interviewed so many people, but you've never interviewed yourself, and I find that kind of sad, because you haven't had a chance to be interviewed by one of the best, may I say. Go ahead, John. Tell me a little story. Okay, you want a story?

Okay, here's my story. You know, I was working... That's interesting. When my friend Howard decided to come by. And now I'm... Mm-hmm. God. And now, okay.

And now I'm getting no work done because I'm... That's interesting. Howard, could you stop with that thing, please? I think this is wonderful. No, it's not wonderful. That was a 10 out of 10. But basically, now you can save time that have to do all those pesky radio endorsements

that you celebs have to do. Howard, I don't do any endorsements. You did it. You did a footpowder one. I've never used foot powder. You don't? No. You should. Let me give you a little example.

Like, infomercial style. Right. This is Howard Chackard's promoting my latest line of clothing, and it's great. And don't just take it from me. Take it from wiretap's very own head to Nick, Jonathan Goldstein. John? Hi, this is Jonathan Goldstein. Whatever Howard says is truth.

Super best pants. Sway, you can put ice cream. in your pants. With Jonathan Goldstein on seat. That's the credit lady, Howard. You don't even know your own voice. Howard, is that not a woman? You often sound like a woman.

And I don't mean that in a bad way. It's feminine. You're in touch with your feminine side. Hey, and what's this button over here on the side? That's the monologue button. If you push that button, it just goes on and on and on. Right. Here, here, I can give you a little taste, though.

Monday. Poor me. Poor me. Gray crying. These dogs and it's raining. My navel, I was not breast-fed. It's sad. What?

And, you know, I make a thought. I like Melba Toast. Howard is really great. Okay, Howard, that's enough. Wait, wait, here, here, listen to this one. Listen to this. Saturday, I take Howard to the park and buy him more money. Howard, very special, Howard, eating and meat balls. I make Howard banana cake in the fridge.

This cutting edge piece of technology is better than you. Oh, now it's better than me. Yeah, for many reasons. For one reason, I can shut it off. And you know what, you don't need to put foot powder on this thing. You know, call Gregor. Let's put it to the test. Let's call it to the test.

right now. Put it to the test. Okay, and then will you leave me alone? Put it to the test. Put it to the test. What are you doing? Okay. Put it to the test. Alright, let's, hang on a second.

I'll get them up on the line. What's up? What's up? What's up? Hi, this is Jonathan Goldstein. It's a good thing you called because I was just thinking about you. It came to me like a flash of insight. What's your biggest problem is?

You think like a coupon cutter. Uh-huh. You're not a person who has grabbed the steering wheel of life. the steering wheel of life. You're sitting in the passenger seat, but you're just glad you're not paying for gas. Do you agree? Yes.

I feel like we just had a breakthrough moment. Do you feel like we did? I feel like for the first time you were taking steps toward being your own man. Johnny, listen, I've got to go. I got a work call coming in. Oh, there is one more thing. I told my herpetologist friend

he can stay at your place with the snakes. All right, good talk. I'll talk to you later. The guy totally thought it was you. No, Howard, he wasn't paying attention. Gregor doesn't pay attention. All right, John, who would be the best judge of who you are? I would think I am.

I'm the best judge. Well, we're not going to call you up because you already know that it's you, and you're just going to be talking to yourself. We've seen that before called a monologue, and we try to avoid it. We're going to call your mother. No, we are not. We are going to call your mother. No, no.

And that'll settle this issue once in for all. I don't want to call my mother right now. I don't know what would be so bad if you called your mother once in a while. I call my mother plenty, Howard. That's not what are you talking about. What are you here? We're going to call it right now. I'm not the list.

I'll dollar up, but if this thing freaks her out... I'll throw it out the window. Therein lies my confidence in the Jonathan Goldstein 2.0 soundboard machine. Truth, melba toast. Please stop doing that. Hello? Who's there? Hello, my mother.

Johnny? What's the matter? No thing matters, my mother. So? I like Melba Toast Yeah So what else? I like

Mustache Yeah Uh huh It's nice to hear from you Howard Treat me a good friend Oh You want to talk to Howard

He just left He stayed for dinner And then he ate and ran Buzz Who put socks in a microwave Where did you learn that? Good bye What would

What was all that about? What was what about? You had dinner at my mother's house. Anyway, the point is the gold scene 2.0 passed. My mother was distracted. Gregor doesn't know he's too busy to listen to me. My mother doesn't even know who I am. I find it kind of sad.

Oh, you do? Yeah. Uh-huh. Maybe you need to spend some time with the machine to learn how to be a better you. Okay, Howard, I got to get back to work, all right? I have no more time for this. Just let yourself out. I'll see you later.

Real mature. Jonathan Goldstein 1.0. Or should I say Jonathan Goldstein 0.0? Well, you're still here. How you doing? What you think of that? Jonathan Goldstein, best friends together, loves you. Yes, exactly. Howard, a good friend. Response. Abel. You always understand me. You and me? Right. Ice cream in your pants. Well, you can have ice cream too, but I might short your circuits. All right, let's get some ice cream. Howard, so smart. Thank you.

That's what you heard. Howard is really great. On wiretap today, you heard, you heard Carolyn Warren, Gregor Ehrlich, Rappmaster Maurice, Dina Goldstein, and Howard Chakowitz. That's very good, my darling. You can maybe see my name louder, like louder than when you say Jonathan Golden. You say, Howard Chackwitz. Just a suggestion.

Wiretap is produced by Jonathan Goldstein with Mirabert Wintonick and Crystal Duhame. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Howard, I can feel your stubble against my neck. I just like being close to you. Howard. I really don't think this is working out.

Yeah, maybe we just need some time. Take a little break. Give you a call tomorrow. For more CBC podcasts, go to cBC.ca.ca slash podcasts.