Wiretap - Trapped

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

Jonathan dreams a dream he can't get out of, while another man just can't seem to break out of a bad relationship.

A lot of news podcasts give you information, the basic facts of a story. What's different about your world tonight is we actually take you there. Paul Hunter, CBC News, Washington. Margaret Evans, CBC News, Aleppo. Jerusalem. Ottawa. Prince Albert. Susan Ormiston, CBC News in Admiralty Bay, Antarctica.

Correspondents around the world, on the ground, and at the source where news is happening. So don't just know, go. Your world tonight from CBC News. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and you're listening to Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, Trapped. In the dream, I am a hippie.

and as a hippie, I have seen and heard many horrible things. I have participated in countless sing-alongs and noodle-danced under the stars. I have, quote-unquote, let it all hang out, and I have done my own thing. And now my own smell makes my eyes tear up from nausea. in this dream i am desperate for a steak dinner a clean bathroom and a bath my name is something with moon moon shadow or moonshine or that might be my dog's name he wears a paisley do-rag around his neck which he seems to hate I wonder if he hates being a hippie too I wonder if all hippies hate being hippies

I wonder if everyone is terribly terribly unhappy In the dream my best friend is always inviting me To another interminable soul-wrenching sing-along Even though he is my best friend I hate him I hate his honeycomb peace hat and his Guatemalan waist pack. I hate his life force bracelet, and I hate his breath,

which, for some reason, always smells like hazelnut coffee. At these sing-alongs, we sway back and forth, arms over shoulders, armpits exposed, singing about love, moist, sweaty, and melodorous love.

Even in the dream, with its dream logic, under my poncho, I am able to feel some germ of myself, some part of the real me, the me right here speaking to you now, that knows it's all terribly, terribly wrong, that protests, that longs to speak in defiance. But in the dream, such a feeling is more dream than real. in the dream there is a hippie girl that I love it's one of those dream things where you understand you've always loved her and we live together on a commune with filthy naked children running this way and that Donovan music bongs

hammocks made of hemp and sweet potato jam my girlfriend calls herself Basil or maybe begonia and everyone makes out with everyone but the only one will have me is someone's mother, whose name is Chakra. I spend most of my days trying to keep out of Chakra's way. And here I am, trapped, not sure of anything, even basic things like my name, my hippie girlfriend's name, and whether we have a baby. I do not even know a very basic thing like whether one of those filthy little barefoot miracles, squatting in the mud,

and wearing face paint belongs to us. In the dream, I don't realize there's any other world, but the one I'm in. There's no such thing as waking up. Maybe the hippies know about it, or think they do. They talk about, quote-unquote, waking up, or emerging from the dream. But if I ever heard them talk about it,

it wouldn't mean a thing to me anyway. I'd just roll my eyes and call it a bunch of damn hippie talk. I'd think to myself, there's only this world, pal, so get used to it. There's only just these little feelings we get once in a while. A maybe there's another world feeling. A maybe I'm not really this thing I seem to be feeling. But it isn't real.

It's just dumb feelings. All there is, is what there seems to be. The longest relationship I've ever been in, lasted about three years. But to be honest with you, it should have lasted probably three hours. And at that point, I probably would have left with fantastic memories.

Do you have a tendency to stay in bad relationships? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yes, absolutely. and I've been called out of my friends, my family, and it's true. It's a bad problem. The relationship that you're in now, how long have you been in it? Probably a year, let's say close to a year, yeah, around a year. Something, again, that should have been over probably an hour.

But you're still in it? Still in it, and it's highly dysfunctional. But what keeps you in? It's not terrible, like I feel sick when I come home. It's not like a relationship that's toxic. I don't feel horrible. So the best you could say for it is that you don't feel horrible. Exactly.

How horrible is that? What's dysfunctional about this particular relationship? The entire relationship is dysfunctional. It's based on a lot of what I feel is me giving, specifically, lot of material items, gifts, finances, everything, everything, John, every single thing. So, you know, very, there's no effort being made on the part of this person to be reciprocal or even, you know, self-supporting in any way.

I mean, I'm not, you know, I don't, not that it needs to be like the ultra-modern relationship where we both are going Dutch all the time, but I find that this person takes a lot. I'll give you a great anecdote of what I mean. So we're on our way to a movie. And we're running late, and it's winter. So I park in front of the cinema and ask her to just go get tickets. So I give her money for tickets.

And so she makes her way into the cinema. And I take five minutes to find parking. I feel that I'm running late. So I rush in. And instead of finding her with the tickets, you know, waiting with the usher to let us go in, she's standing at the ticket booth with the ticket counterperson, you know, looking perplexed. And I ask her, you know, why are you waiting? Why don't you buy the tickets?

and she looks to me and says because it's $3 short. Did she not have money on her? Oh, she had the money. There have been times when I've been so infuriated that I've secretly gone into her wallet and looked. Because it's such a crazy, unfathomable story to me that I've actually, like, gone and look while she's taking a bath. And I felt like a real scumbag, but, you know, not really, because it was like it's like it just doesn't make any sense to me. So you will go so far as to invade her property in order to get to the... the bottom of it, but as far as like actually sitting her down and having an adult conversation

as grown up to do. I'm a total utter, passive-aggressive moron. I don't even know why I can't call her out on it. But the bottom line is that it's just an accumulation of these types of things. It's like, wow, I don't really want to spend my life with this kind of person. Have you tried to break up with her? Every time I've tried to break up, it hasn't. She doesn't want to.

She was like, no, it's work. She didn't accept. She didn't accept. And how many times did you try breaking up? Three? But the next time, it's going to stick. Well, why will the next time be different, do you think? Well, the galvanizing factor has been, you know, my mother dying, my mother being really ill, and my mother dying, has been a...

Which was this month? Yeah, it was in the last three weeks, exactly. And I feel that I just have absolutely zero support from my girlfriend. something as traumatic as the death of the parents, and I'm alone. You know, I mean, it could be argued that I'm not letting her in, that I haven't given an opportunity to step into this. So she's just not offering you the support that you feel you need right now? No, and, but maybe I wasn't asking properly.

Do I even need to ask? I mean, I don't even know, dude. To be honest with you, I don't even know. But that's, I think, what I'm trying to sort out. Why should I even have to ask? why do you think it's hard for you to break up with people I don't know I mean I can give you the the stock answer the kind of the canned answer the standard answer

which is I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings I don't want to I don't want to have I don't want to hurt them but that's that's BS because it's not about them it's about me so if I were to look inwardly of concerning it It's probably because in some ways there's that fear of being alone. There's a deep fear of being alone. And in some ways, I'd rather be in these strange dysfunctional relationships than be alone. so what would it take for you to end this relationship that you're in

that you're not happy with well obviously I'm going to have to have more of a spine I'm going to have to be more resolute I'm going to have to be more assertive more clear be a man I need to be a man about this to be a human being about it have a backbone of spine and just do it.

Can you set a date for when you will break up with her? Can you commit to that? No. You can't right now, on the telephone with me, commit to a time that you will... No. I just can't. After everything you've said?

Yeah. So you're just going to stay together and live happily ever after? Does anybody live happily ever after? Together. If you're absolutely loving your summer read and don't want the book to be over, your experience doesn't actually have to end when you finish reading. I'm Matea Roach, and on my podcast bookends, I sit down with authors to get the inside scoop

behind the books you love. Like, why Emma Donahue is so fascinated by trains? or how Taylor Jenkins-Reed feels about being a celebrity author. You can check out bookends with Mateo Roach wherever you get your podcasts. I have to tell you about this weekend I just had in Malibu. What weekend is this? Okay, so I can't say this guy's name because he's like a big Hollywood producer kind of person. But you would know this person.

He has a public persona that people are aware of. You know what I mean? And how do you know him? I worked on a movie that he was the producer. And I just had like a super small part in it, nothing big. I worked for like one week. But I happened to be there when he was on set. You know, and he's the kind of guys who they sit off in the back on a director's chair, like constantly just either screaming into their iPhone or typing angrily.

on like a different on a blackberry in all caps so he was there and there was this day that he brought his dog to set and i hadn't met this guy i'm not even on this guy's radar but you know i was kind of playing with his dog one day and we just kind of got to chatting and then kind of just almost apropos of nothing he says i don't know if you'd be interested in this but i just fired my regular dog sitter. I have to go away for a couple of days. Do you want to do it? And I was a little taken aback because we're essentially strangers to each other. But he's an incredibly powerful Hollywood producer, so if I do this and it works out, that could be good for my career. So I said yes.

You tell me when. I can come. I'll get the dog. I'll bring the dog. I'll bring the dog. back to my house and he kind of looked at me like what are you so kind of idiot my dog doesn't go to other people's houses like if if you're gonna do this you're gonna have to stay at my house for the weekend because he didn't want his dog having to slum it no yeah I mean it was almost like how dare you how dare you try and bring my dog to your gross living establishment you know his dog like needs views of the ocean and an infinity pool both of which he has at this house.

Jonathan, the house is mental. It's just like all glass, like floor to ceiling windows that look out onto the ocean. But before you get to the ocean, it's like a jacuzzi. And like, there's outside on his deck. There's a pizza oven. Wow. Which he told me not to use. But still, I was like, that is super.

Like, I don't know. For whatever reason, pizza oven really got me. Uh-huh. Anyway, so I don't stand for. it went great and now I'm his kind of de facto dog sitter slash house sitter I guess when he goes away for a movie I get a call I go over and I stay in the house and it is awesome like I really look forward to it because it's like the most amazing vacation I could never afford and of course I can't not kind of revel in it and I'm like taking a million iPhone

pictures of myself you know like around the house or in the pool or whatever and I'm sending them to my friends, you know, with like, you know, hashtag jealous much. Everybody is like, give me that address. I'm coming over. And I don't know why, but like when that first started coming up, I just was like, no. As much as I love my friends, like, I kind of wanted to have the place to myself. But this past weekend, I was there and the dog and I walk on the beach, we come back, We're hanging out. I make burgers.

It's like we're having a blast. This dog and I are having like the most romantic weekend I've ever had. It's perfect. And then I go up to the kind of guest wing and I take a shower, I change. Come back down. And I can't find the dog like at all. And so now I'm like wandering around. I'm calling her name.

And then I hear like a very faint weird bark. And I go around. There's this little hallway that goes around a turn. And then there's a staircase, and kind of under the staircase is a door. There's a little, like, door that's open. And I go in, I turn on the light, and there's the dog just sitting on the floor of this kind of sizable room, which is basically a panic room. Wow. There's, like, a desk and all these computer monitors that are showing, like, the security cameras all over the house.

There's, like, a twin bed in there. there's like bookshelves full of supplies, like food, you know, bottled water, like a straight up panic room. So it's in case of like a home invasion or something? It's completely in case of a home invasion, yeah. I think sometimes people who make movies about home invasions or about like extreme events like that, then become convinced that that stuff is really happening. But also, this is not like Jody Foster in panic room, tiny, cramped pannogram.

This is like very nice and comfortable. There's like a wingback chair in there. The penegrim has a turntable in it with tons of vinyl. Like I don't even know at what point during some sort of either home invasion or post-apocalyptic catastrophic scenario, are you going to be like, you know what I want to do right now? Like I want to listen to Led Zeppelin 4 on vinyl. Guess what? It's in there.

So I find myself now, like I do. I want to listen to Led Zeppelin 4. So I shut the door. I make myself a drink, me and the dog. We spend hours just listening to records in a panic room. At a certain point, I'm most of the way through the Led Zeppelin catalog. And it's starting to get late and I'm like, you know what? I'm going to come back and do this tomorrow.

Let's go to bed. I get up, I go to leave, turn the knob, nothing. Which is when I realize, when you shut the door to a panic room, it locks automatically. It locks automatically in a way that requires a key that maybe I have, but I don't have on me. I don't know how to get out of this room, which is when I have that very. very sinking feeling of, I'm not supposed to be in here. I'm not sure how I'm going to get out. I don't know what to do.

And like slightly drunk panic starts to set in, which is perfect because I'm in a panic. Did you consider calling him up on the phone? Was that an odd? No. Jonathan, this guy once fired an A-list star, like somebody you and I go to the movies to see him. lot just because he was eating too many sandwiches and cracked service, okay? You do not cross this guy. I decide it's late, I'm going to sleep, and in the morning, I'm going to figure this out.

Let me tell you something. The twin bed in this guy's panic room is more comfortable than my queen-sized bed in my apartment, like by far. And you were still able to enjoy it, even in the state date that you were in. One of the most restful night's sleep of my entire life. Knowing that you may never get out of there again. It didn't matter. Like, I don't know the thread count of these sheets. I don't know what kind of feathers were in those pillows.

The minute my head hit the bed, I was done. And I woke up feeling like a million bucks, which made it only more crushing when I realized that I was still stuck in the panic room. Uh-huh. So, I spend the whole day. in the panic room, trying to figure out a way to, like, Jimmy the door open, anything. I'm eating the supplies. I'm drinking the water. But as night starts to come, I start to really get concerned, because this is not good.

The next night. So you're in there, like, oh. This is now, I'm coming on tonight, too. Uh-huh. And, you know, and I'm watching the sunset on all the computer monitors. That sounds nice. It was lovely. It was lovely.

I'm sitting in a wing-back chair. I'm listening to records. You know, but at a certain point, I know I've got to get out of here, or I'm going to get in some real trouble. And that's when I realized there's a camera that's pointed in the kitchen just at like the island in the kitchen. And on the island is the keychain that he gave me that is like the keys for the house, you know. It's got a million keys on it. I only use two of them. But in my mind, I figure the key to this room must be on that keychain.

I need somebody to come in. and get the keys. So I bite the bullet and I call my friend Ben, who is easily the person I've texted the most pictures to of me living it up in Malibu, like giving him the finger like, ha ha ha, you can't come here. Meaning you're your best pal. He's like easily like my best friend.

So I call him up and a little bit sheepishly tell him that I feel really bad. I haven't invited him out to the house before and I'm having such a nice weekend and it's beautiful and the sun setting and I got a bunch of beers like why don't you come out you and me we'll hang out we'll have a good time which he's very touched by and at the end of it I kind of sneak in like oh by the way when you get here come through the back the back door is open there's a set of keys on the counter please come to the back of the

hallway I'm locked in the panic to which there is silence and then hysterical laughter and then he says i'll be right there don't you worry cut to an hour later and i'm watching the screens and i see him walk up the from the back from the beach up to the deck and through the doors there that i had left open he gets the keys you know he looks up he sees where the camera is he jingles the keys and i can basically watch him you know walking through the house looking around, you know, he gets himself a beer. He's, like, kind of settling in. And this is when I know that I'm completely screwed.

What happens next is I sit in a panic room and watch as a whole bunch of our friends show up, you know, and they're making a mess. They're like, they're empty in the fridge. there are people who go down to the wine cellar coming back up with bottles of, I don't, like, and this guy's crazy rich. I don't, they might have like $10,000 bottles of wine. I have

no idea. Nobody's answering my phone calls. I'm banging on the door, but that's pointless. The longer it goes on, it's as if I'm watching a pretty, what's shaping up to honestly be a pretty awesome party. I'm pretty sure

people are making pizza in the pizza oven. But I'm, now, alone in this room watching a party that I would kill to be at. You know, like, you know, when you feel like you're at home and you're worried that everybody's at a party you don't know about? Yeah. This was like that, except that I have 12 screens in front of me showing me everything I'm missing.

For the first couple of hours, like it seemed to tickle everybody that I was trapped in the panic room and people, would wave at the camera or people would perform for the camera knowing I was watching. But then at a certain point, I think they all just forgot about me. Nobody cared that I was there.

That really, I got super bummed and honestly, I just went, I put on a Johnny Mitchell record and went to bed. Slept like an angel. I got to find out who makes that bed that's in the panic room because it was amazing.

So I wake up in the morning, the dog is licking my face, and I can hear the ocean. And I look up and the panic room door is wide open. I walk out the panic room door, the house is trashed, nobody's there, the house is empty. I wander through the house and that kind of emptiness and isolation that I cover. before is now seems devastatingly sad and I'm wandering through and I realized this is how he lives. He lives alone in a house that's meant to house people. And that's kind of when I start to realize like in the panic room, like there was only one gas mask. There was one chair. like he's only prepared to survive alone

and that was that really kind of freaked me out a little bit it freaked me out because I hadn't really noticed it before I'd in fact just thought it seemed comfy and that alone freaked me out that I would find so comfortable something that was so lonely in nature and so I picked up the phone and I called my friend Ben

And I told him he'd better get the f*** down here and help me clean up this mess. But if he did, I would also make us brunch, which I did. And I was happy for the company. On Wiretap today, you heard Jason Mansuchas and Pierre Saint-Sovage. Wiretap is produced by Mirabert Wintonic, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. cbc.ca slash podcasts.