Wiretap - When Life Gives You Lemons

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Gregor pitches Jonathan Goldstein as a counterpoint to Jonathan Goldsmith's Most Interesting Man in the World campaign. Plus, Howard takes his dogsitting duties a few steps too far and Josh hires himself to be Jonathan's new bodyguard.

A lot of news podcasts give you information, the basic facts of a story. What's different about your world tonight is we actually take you there. Paul Hunter, CBC News, Washington. Margaret Evans, CBC News, Aleppo. Jerusalem. Ottawa. Prince Albert. Susan Ormiston, CBC News in Admiralty Bay, Antarctica.

Correspondents around the world, on the ground, and at the source where news is happening. So don't just know, go. Your world tonight from CBC News. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. This is a CBC podcast. You're listening to Wiretap. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Wiretap on CBC Radio 1. Today's episode, When Life Gives You Lemons.

When the phone rings that dingling, he does the best that he can. He takes the call. He'll take a phone. How do you take it? Radio man On the radio Nobody sees your face That's where he goes

Let's wire tap the place Sunday Today while helping clean out my parents' garage At the bottom of a box of old soap opera digests I stumble upon one of my favorite child's toys, a toy toaster that was given to me by my great-uncle Saul. Twenty years after the man's death, I still can't rightly say whether my great-uncle was a benevolent old-timey grandpa Walton type or a secret sadistic performance artist.

By the time I met him, Saul was a retired concierge with shaky hands. He always claimed his hands were like that because of the heavy vibrating machines he used to polish banisters. When he affectionately placed his large hand on your shoulder, it felt like a gentle shower massage. Another thing I still remember about Saul was that he always had a pocketful of tiny unwrapped butterscotch candies for us kids, and they were always all stuck together, because we suspected he'd already begun to suck on them. Every year for each of our birthdays, Saul presented us with a toy made to a toy made to

to mimic some common household appliance. On the occasion of my cousin Bernice's birthday, he presented her with a toy hot plate that pretty much looked like a regular hot plate to the last detail, except for the fact it didn't work. Why not just give a real one, asked Bernice. It'd be fun to bring it to school

and make pancakes for lunch. Real hot plates aren't for children, he'd say. Besides, toy ones are more fun. Bernice conceded the point, But really, there was very little that was toy-like about any of his gifts. One year he gave my cousin Jeremy a toy vacuum cleaner. It was exactly like a real one, weighing about 60 pounds. Thing was, it didn't work either.

To make it more child-friendly, Saul had drawn tremulous polka dots all over it with his palsied hand. Jeremy loved it. Over the years, Saul presented a little bit of, us with, among other things, a toy coffee maker, the pot filled with all white gumballs, a toy toilet plunger wrapped in colorful tinsle, a toy mop that smelled of real sewage, a toy cocking gun in a little toy holster he'd made out of red electrical tape, and a toy steak knife set that we used to eat make-believe cutlets.

The toaster that I found today was given to me for my seventh birthday, and it was one of the best gifts I'd ever received. On the day he gave it to me, Saul asked me several questions. How do you spell roast, he asked. R-O-A-S-T, I said, proud of what a good speller I was. And how do you spell coast, he then asked. C-O-A-S-T, I said. And how do you spell what you put in a toaster?

T-O-A-S-T, I answered. wrong he said the word sounding like an electrical buzzer b r e a d bread goes into a toaster it is toast that comes out but the thing with a toy toaster is that bread goes in and bread comes out even as a kid there was something refreshing and unexpected about that i remember many afternoons spent gazing into the slot and really hoping I might see the inside slowly growing orange with heat. Looking at it now, sitting in my parents' garage, the toaster strikes me as a kind of exercise machine, not for the tightening of one's buttocks or the growth of one's biceps, but for the strengthening of a more childlike muscle, one's capacity for hope.

Maybe Uncle Saul was trying to teach us that things have a value that transcend what they're actually able to accomplish. But more likely than not, he was just unloading old junk. Over the years, we never had the heart to toss out any of his gifts. And so I placed the toaster back in the box, cover it up with old family photo albums, and put it back on the shelf, to sit and wait for my own little nephew to come of age, to play with it, to peer into its slot, and half expect the impossible. Hello.

Oh, hey, Gregor. Did you not get the email I sent you? What email? I haven't checked my email yet today. What do you have to check it yet today? What do you check your email on today? I try to stay offline during most of the day. so that I could concentrate on my writing.

Forget about your writing. You should be hitting send and receive on your email, like a woodpecker all day long, like, bat, bat, bat, bat, bat, bat, send receipt, send receipt, send receipt, send receipt, check your email. Open up your email. All right, hang on one second.

What are we waiting for? Do you have to work your dial-up magic? Do you have your rotary modem? Okay, I'm online. Oh, congratulations. You sent me an attachment. You sent me an MP3. Yeah, do you know how to download an attachment off your email?

What is it that I'm downloading here? Okay, are you familiar with the ad campaign the most interesting man in the world. I refresh my memory. It's for a beer? It's for Dosak's beer. I think it's like one of the top ten most successful advertising campaigns ever. It's the first MP3 in the email that I just sent you.

Just press play, sit back and relax, and listen to that one. His charm is so contagious. Vaccines have been created for it. Years ago, he built a city out of blocks. Today, over 600,000 people live and work there. Every time he goes for a swim, dolphins appear. Alien abductors have asked him to probe them. His legend precedes him the way lightning precedes thunder.

He is the most interesting man in the world. That's funny stuff. Oh, you approve? You like that? Oh, you approve? You like that? Well, yeah, it's funny. Anyway, what I was thinking is we could get you to do like a spin-off version. What do you mean? Well, like, that guy was the most interesting man in the world, right?

What man in the world are you? Well, I don't know what kind of man. Go ahead and play the second MP3, and you'll find out. Okay, all right. It is said he once reached in his pocket and thought he had a quarter, when as it turned out, it was only a nickel. For a while, though, he was pretty sure it was a quarter. Okay, Grigger.

I know where this is going. I don't like it. Just play it. The whole thing is only 30 seconds long. Would you just play it? All right, fine. When it's time to leave an appropriate size tip in a restaurant, he just rounds up a dollar and leaves.

Once a flock of lovely songbirds stopped their migration and fell from the sky mid-flight, Stone Cold Dead, never to sing or be beautiful again, all because of a rumor among the bird community that he was a bird watcher. This rumor turned out not to be true. the thought of his eyeballs gazing at beauty was enough to ruin it. After exiting an elevator, often those who enter it immediately in his aftermath are heard to wonder aloud, Jesus Christo, what the hell is that smell? Well, my friends, wonder no more, because we know exactly what that smell is.

It is the pungent aroma of the least interesting man in the world. Least interesting man in the world You like it No, you know what, I'm offended by this What do you mean you're offended? This is about a fictional character Do you understand what acting is? Why can't you be like M.C. Hammer? Do you think M.C. Hammer sat around worrying whether people thought he was a real hammer? Why is it always with the M.C. Hammer?

That guy had 118 card by the time you were... Okay, all right. And what are you intending to do with this? Well, as a matter of fact, I took the little initiative and I pitched to a few agencies, and I've already have gotten some positive response. Can I just point something out that might have flown past you? Interesting is good, right? Why would they want someone who is being billed as uninteresting?

I'll tell you why. Have you ever heard of something called Public Relations, PR? Ever heard of it? Yes. Ever heard of corporate spin? Yes. Now, imagine just for a second you have a travel company. One of those adventure expedition things.

It's operating in Africa. You're making a small fortune. Then disaster strikes. Because on one of your safaris, a head. Hippopotamus goes crazy and sits on someone and crushes them, and they're dead. Suddenly, no one's going on your stupid safaris anymore, because everyone's afraid. Now, who are you going to turn to? George Clooney? I don't think so. You want to bring in someone as the public face of your company who represents total safety and boredom.

You see where I'm going with this? You have this unique ability to take out all the excitement, and with that excitement, the danger. Just by you showing up and talking about a safari, suddenly a safari seems very safe and boring. It's like a trip in a minivan to get some cornflakes. I did look Now there's plenty of products You want to sell like that Let's say I have a spicy hot sauce company right

Spicy spicy hot sauce The spicy company is already going to be reaching The people who like spicy spicy That demographic is in the bag for them They need to reach the periphery People who say I would never eat hot sauce It'll give me a stomach cake I have an ulcer

It could kill me Now I get a mumbling Jonathan Goldstein up there Who says Before you know it I'm selling some tasteless red glob Okay so you really want me to put myself out there as the least interesting man in the world. That's your next career move for me. Johnny, I'm tired of trying to put some sexy spin on you and pretend you're something

you're not. You're not a mouth-watering sirtoline steak. Johnny, you know what you are? You're a block of tofu. Maybe one that's past its date. And I look at that tofu when I say, hmm, what is that rotten reek? Is that coming from the tofu? Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we position you as fermented soybeans? And before you know it, we've got bust loads of Japanese tourists coming to town ready to gouge out your fermented soybean eye sockets with a pair of chopsticks. It's all about working to your strengths, my friend. Okay, Gregor, I got to go. I'm heading off to the airport.

Oh, the airport? Where are you headed? I'm giving a lecture on microphone technique and BAMP. Microphone technique? Why didn't you tell me? It sounds super uninteresting. You know, I knew I could count on you to stay in character, my little tofu bubola. Ladies and gentlemen, the least interesting man in the world, you. Monday. I'm early for my flight to BAMF, so I disson. to have a sandwich and a beer at the airport bar.

The tab comes to nearly $26. I give the bartender $30 and tell him to keep the change, after which I ask for a receipt. While I'm irked to find that the bartender is seen fit to bundle a service fee into the total, I'm doubly irked that the additional tip I just paid in was calculated based on that total, a total that included a gratuity I'd been unwittingly bilked out of.

Just as I'm about to say something, or rather just as I'm about to consider saying something, the bartender approaches me with a large jar of olives. I've been trying to open it all evening, he says, his face red with exertion. Would you mind giving it a try? His request takes me completely off guard. In an instant I go from feeling angry to feeling needed.

I attack the jar with the kind of ferocious determination that involves grunting, grimacing, drooling, cursing and almost herniating my disc. I am trying harder to open this jar than I have perhaps ever tried at anything in my entire life, SATs, professional goals, personal relationships. For some inexplicable reason, I want nothing more than to prove myself to a complete stranger, who only moments earlier had swindled me. After several minutes, the lid pops open. I'm covered in sweat and olive juice, and my hands feel like they've been dribbling basketballs of fire. The bartender thanks me, and then for a job well done, hands me a plastic shot glass

full of pimentoed olives. As I walk away eating olives and feeling grateful, it strikes me that the bartender's gesture could very easily be employed in other ticklish social situations. Office manager acting hostile, just pull out a jar of olives from your desk drawer and ask for help. Call it extending the olive jar. So we finally found a podcast that speaks to you, pure bliss. It's so good that when you finish the final episode, it leaves a hole in your heart and your schedule. What now? Personally, is here for you.

It's a collection of true stories that explore what it means to be, well, human. The best part, there are six incredible seasons to dive into, with more on the way. Personally, get lost in the way. someone else's life. Available now, wherever you personally get your podcasts. I board the plane and am seated in the row in front of the exit row. It's the row in which you cannot recline. I listen to the stewardess lecture the people behind me about the responsibility that comes with sitting in the exit row. How they, a goate man in a backward baseball cap and his girlfriend who's listening to Brittany Spears,

on her iPod loud enough for everyone on the plane to hear will be our last hope if all goes to heck. When the stewardess is done, she thanks them. The exit row gets all the glory, while the row in front of the exit row gets all the back ache. But we are the real heroes, lumbar region aching and olive juice reeking heroes. When I get to Banff, the first thing I do is call Howard.

He's dog-sitting my poodle bush. with his pugs, Bruce and Desmond. Hello. Howard? Hey. Hey, hey, hi. Vacation boy, how you doing? I'm not on a vacation, Howard.

It's a work trip. You're in Banff. You're surrounded by the most beautiful, beautiful mountains in the world, wildlife. You're going to be back a branch, right, remember? I'm not bringing you back a branch. I really have my heart set on a branch. I don't care, Howard. I can't bring a branch.

You wrap it up. Okay, Howard, I'm calling to see how Bush is doing. How's my pool? You wouldn't go to speak to her? Oh, hang on, I'll put her on the phone. Don't put her on. Boosie, come here. Yeah, good job.

Here we go. Your dad wants to talk to you. Howard, please stop doing that. Hang on, hang on. What's that job? Sorry, that was Bush talking. Okay, Howard, stop doing that. You want to speak to a little more?

No, no, I don't. I don't. Howard stopped. I went to stay. Oh, she wants to stay. Okay. So much better here than your stinky home. Oh, it's so sweet.

Really, really disdating. Oh, it's breast smelled like raspberries. Your breast smelled like hootie. Oh. All right. So, okay, I just wanted to, so everything's okay? Yeah, yeah. I appreciate your watching or funny.

Well, it's going great. You know, I mean, I'm having a nice time, and she's a really nice dog. And Desmond and her, I mean, they've really hit it off. I mean, fantastic, you know, they get along so well. Really? I mean, they really, really, really hit it off. I mean. Well, that's good.

I'm glad they're, I'm glad. No, I mean, they really, you know what I'm saying? Howard, what are you trying to tell me? What is everything like some kind of game for you? There's hidden meanings and everything. You're being very coy. I'm speaking to you directly. Ask me questions.

Okay, look, you said they get along. Yes. Okay, good. They get along. I mean, they really, really get along. Okay, Howard, what are you talking about? I'm mating our dogs. What?

You ever seen a puggle? It's a beautiful mix. A pug and a poodle mix? Okay, Howard, you need to stop this whole thing this instant. Johnny, you have the one to let go a little bit. Your dog's an adult now. Howard, listen to me very careful. Keep your dog away from my dog.

Do you understand? These two dogs are in love, and I'm not going to stand in the middle of that. Don't pull the choke collar on their burgeoning left, John. Best of all I know, we're going to be kin now, John. What? You know, I've always wanted to be blood brothers with you, but, you know, you have this phobic aversion to blood

and having your head and slice with a sharp knife, and so now at least we're going to be in-laws, mackleton, and whatever you know. Listen, I don't want your big drooling pug all over my poodle. Do you understand? Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh, I see what's going on. What do you see what's going on? I see you saying.

This is a class thing. What? My puggy is not good enough to be with John Goldstein's high flute and poodle. What are you talking about? I'll keep my dogs in pug town and you keep your high-end dogs in poodle town. I don't... I mean, love doesn't know money. You understand, John?

Howard... They are dogs. They're not in love. Do you understand? They slept in the same bed. Howard, you are really, really creeping me out. I'm creeping out The natural act of love

I don't want a litter of dogs Do you understand I'm gonna give you custody I got custody of these babies These are my babies I got lots of love in my heart for these babies You do You know you can help John

You can help with some money Okay I'll be coming after you for some of the money Oh are you Yes I will A little of the puppy support How does that sound Puppy support You got grandchildren son

You've got grandkids You got to stand up and be a man You have a responsibility Oh my God Live up to that responsibility. That's what being a man is, John. That's what this whole thing is, a cash grab. You're calling your own doggy daughter a gold digger?

Is that what you're saying? I just need those funds to help take care of many children. I mean, like, you're going to be done for four days, four days. I mean, they meet, I guess, twice an hour. So twice an hour. It's four days. I'm going to get on the next plane and come home and put an end to this. It's your legacy, John.

What do you have? Oh, God. Hang on here. Hey, Bush wants to talk to you again. No, Howard, stop with that. Howard, please stop with that. You're going to be a grandpa. I want to have lots of children.

I'm a woman now. And you're going to give Howard all your money. You're going to give him whatever he needs. Oh, pushy. You are sick. You are a sick, sick, sick tomato. Hello. You know what?

It's actually good to hear your voice. Oh, hey, Josh. Really good to hear it. It puts to rest a lot of fears. What fears? John, you're a radio host, okay? You're a galvanizing figure. You're a lightning rod.

You attract a lot of attention, a lot of strong opinion. Really? You can be very polarizing. Josh, I am not... You're more polarizing than the Shackleford Expedition. Right, no, I don't... People either hate you or, you know, really, really hate you, okay? Hey, there's no middle.

You know, I've spent the day trolling the radio message boards, okay? You know I like to do that, to find things insulting you, making fun of you, that sort of thing. So I can tell you about them, right? Mm-hmm. But I was taken aback. There's a lot of anger out there. I'm concerned. I'm concerned for your welfare.

Oh, are you? Here's a thing, John. It's all funning games when people are attacking your manhood, right? But when people are talking about ending your manhood, I just, you know. What are you referring to? You know what? It would scare you. I don't really think I should tell you.

Well, I don't think what you're doing right now is very productive. Well, you know what would be productive? What's that? I'm going to be your bodyguard. You're going to be my bodyguard. That's correct. That is ridiculous. All the big radio stars have bodyguards, right?

No, they don't. I happen to know that Stuart McLean carries around a pillowcase full of antique doorstops to whack people in the head with if they so much as look at him funny. You do not have the physical prowess to be anybody's bodyguard. I am a superb. some wrestler, a champion. And that's going to come in handy, right? Handy. Yes, it will come in

very handy. I took fencing in college. I mean... So what do you... You get a parry and thrust intruders? No, no, no, no, I built fences. I understand what it means to feel surrounded and protected. I am going to lay out a full and detailed security plan for okay, covering all the contingencies.

All right, let's hear this. First thing you're going to need is a body double or duple ganger. I have a 15-year-old niece who's shockingly similar to you body type. She will do very nicely. And why do I need a body devil? John, it's the old switcheroo, right? They go to harm you, right?

And all of a sudden they're surprised, and instead of harming you, they kill my niece. Oh, that's nice. Come on, we'll intercept them before anything bad happens, hopefully. Look, Josh, I appreciate that you're concerned for my well-being, but I think your concern is unfounded. You're not taking it seriously enough, John. This is why you're risk.

It's very important that I be your bodyguard, that you pay me a very generous pretty... Oh, I see. That's what this is bad. Well, I need to invest, right? I need some body armor, brass knuckles. John, you know, I'm willing to take a bullet for you, you know? No, you are not. Yes, I am. I carry around a Bible over my heart. It's not the Bible. It's an instruction book for an old microwave, but it's very thick, you know? They weren't very intuitive back then.

Josh, this is totally ridiculous. I don't need a body card. You give lectures, right? Yeah, I just gave a lecture this week, actually, the first of a series that I'm doing on microphone technique. I want you to be safe at your pointless lecture, so I'm going to have to carry you in. Josh, you're too weak to carry anyway. I like you, I'll drag you by your ponytail, whatever. You'll get there, and you'll get there safe and sound, and that's what's important. John, quick scenario, okay?

You know, play along with me for a minute, okay? You're in a radio conference, okay? Guy tried to throw you through a window. What do you do? Are you prepared for the defenestration thread? I'll hold while you go look that up in the dictionary. Defenestration is throwing someone. And what do you do?

I don't know. I hold on to the curtains. Wrong. Wrong. You go with it, my friend. I go with it. That's the judo philosophy. You obviously haven't studied like I have.

You use your attacker's force against him by going through the window. Uh-huh, and? And you plummet. And then what? I don't know. I mean, you're light enough to be one of those flying squirrel. You just soar to safety. Josh, I don't think I'm a very...

Don, you have a million security risks around. You don't even pay attention. Look at this. Your chimney flu is open. You've got to close that. Anybody can come down. Wait, hang a second. How do you know if my chimney flu is open?

Are you in my house? Believe me. It's not Santa. claw's coming down that chimney. It's going to be killy claws. What are you doing in my house? What do you mean what am I doing in your house? I'm proofing. What? I'm making sure that everything is safe and secure. For instance, I'm going through a cutlery drawer right now. Your knives are totally sitting here. I'm protected. Unsheath. Who sheaves cutlery? You can be buttered at a moment's notice. Mm-hmm. Your refrigerator is another security risk. How's that?

Uh, you need a food taster. What is it? Food is a perfect vector for poison. I'm a supertaster. I can detect parts per billion of your most popular poison. Listen, I don't want... Here, hold on. Let me try this. Josh, stay out of my fridge. See, this is totally cyanide-free. My limbs aren't stiffening.

I got a clear head. I don't want you to get out of my house. Look at these truffles. Josh, I am saving those. You take expensive. I better wash it down with some of that champagne. Do not. Oh, look there's pickle.

Pickle. Josh, please stop. John, I can't stop. I love you too hard, man. And I will always love you. If I should stay, I would only only be in your way so I'll go but I know I'll think of you each step of the way and I will I will always love you.

I will always love you. On Wiretap today, you heard Gregor Erlich, Howard Chackowitz, and Joshua Carpatti, who can now be followed on Twitter at Jay Carpatti. Wiretap is produced by Mira Bert Wintanick, Crystal Duhame, and me, Jonathan Goldstein. The beginning of today's show featured an original Wiretap theme song composed by Howard Chackwitz. It was performed by Howard Chackwitz and the Howard Chackwitz All-Stars and was recorded at Big Cheek Studio. And once again, Howard and his All-Stars. That familiar drone is on the phone to entertain you in quotes every week.

Take the call, you'll take the fall, because he's taping you while you speak. It's like a wiretap, everyone's listening in, mixed in with monologues, it's a half-hour slog with your host, Jonathan. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.ca.com.