With The Perrys - Embracing Conflict

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

Every relationship we will ever have will at some point have some conflict. Whether it's with our partners, our friends, our co-workers, and our kids, the hard situations that will arise are inevitable but even then, they don't have to be avoided. And they shouldn't. In this podcast, Preston and Jackie talk through their different styles of embracing conflict and how they've learned and are learning to see that as Christians, conflict really can be a good thing. Book Recommendation: Relationships: A Mess Worth Making   Subscribe to the Perrys' newsletter: https://withtheperrys.myflodesk.com/zhfus4jx1s Join Preston's discipleship community for men: https://www.patreon.com/PrestonPerry/membership To support the work of the Perrys, donate via PayPal: https://paypal.me/withtheperrys Shop BOLD Apparel: boldapparel.shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Saints and my beloved ain't. What's up with y'all? How y'all feel? Hope you're feeling good. I hope you still are wearing your face max in public. I hope you're staying six feet away from people. You're washing your hands. Often.

I hope you have the Lysol or whatever 70% or above alcoholic substance. Not like patron and stuff, but you know. I hope y'all not coughing Walgreens and stuff like that. Things like that. Because you can go in the little pharmacy line to get like basic things instead of just going in there and stuff like that. I hope y'all cut your. Y'all grass. They're actually about to open up Georgia a little bit.

Yeah. And people are mad about it. The Perry House ain't from to open up. I'm going to get my hair done. And then I'm going back home. Bay, you can wait. You're not going nowhere. But I get it.

I get safety measures and all of that. But I literally look like Juvanji. Like I haven't. You do not look like Jumani. No, I do. It's all right. You can, you can be honest. No, it looks a little foresty.

But you don't look like Jamongy. No, I do. I do. I just, I'm a, I'm a tell my lactician, it just got to be me and you in there. You twist it. We don't even got to talk. We don't got to have no conversation. Locktician sounds real of hood.

I mean, he's a loctician. He's a, because beautician or hairdresser doesn't really. That just sounds like somebody named. Come in, loctician. Oh, my God. goodness. Locketia. No, but I'm going to get my hair done

and now I'm going to come home and wash my hands. And I say, I ain't going to go nowhere else. Now, if my brow girl, if she opens back up, then I'm going to see her too. But it's always just me and her. But you don't know what they even, look. Okay, you know what?

Let's just talk about this topic because I just feel like an argument that's going to come on. Well, we should embrace it. Put a boom. Put a boom. Whatever. What we're talking about today? When you think about the term embracing conflict, like what, I guess, how do you understand it? How do I understand it? Yeah, what does it mean to you?

I think it means to confront or to challenge things that you might not feel is right so that you can have peace or you can have peace with someone else. I think I think that's what conflict is. It's it's coming against someone who you disagree with for whatever reason. so that something that's bad that's happening can stop and two people can reconcile or whatever. I think that's what embracing conflict means. I think the embracing part is the part that actually makes those two words interesting. Because when you think of conflict, you don't think of embracing it, you know, because conflict is automatically negative. You know what I'm saying?

It's an argument. It's a disagreement. It's a verbal altercation. somebody was being messy and you heard about it. So to embrace it sounds like an oxymoron. It says like, no, I actually think this is something I'm not supposed to embrace. I'm supposed to run away from it resist it. To accept it.

Yeah, but I think to embrace conflict is to say, no, conflict can be redemptive. There is that there's some good and some fruit that can come out of the way we deal with the conflicts that will arise in our lives. Because it's inevitable. conflicts are going to happen. Since Genesis 3, one of the immediate consequences of the fall was that there was conflict. This woman you gave me. Like there was immediate problems between the two people that God had made. So I think you're living in a world of delusions if you think that any relationship that you will ever have will be conflict free. And if it is conflict free, then perhaps somebody is naive or passive. I'm not sure. Yeah, why do you feel like people are so afraid of conflict? I'm afraid of conflict. Okay. Why are you afraid of conflict?

I don't like it. Because I think we're too, well, we know, we're two different people. Right. So, you know, I think that in a lot of ways, I've embraced conflict. All the time. All the time. Yeah, it's funny for you. And God had to, you know, help me.

Jelly beans and rainbows. It's not jelly beans and rainbows. It's just something that I've never really been afraid of, but I have done it in wrong ways. but for you, someone who is afraid of conflict or doesn't like it, why? I don't know. I think some of it is personality. I don't think my personality just likes it. I just was, even when I was a kid, you know, you know, not many people know I was bullied.

I was talked about. I was mistreated. Like, and I never really stood up to bullies. Maybe because I didn't know how. I didn't have the confidence. it just was it felt easier to retreat and let the abuse happen than to actually confront it. You know what I'm saying? So I think I think that's part of just how I am.

But also it gives me anxiety when I think about having to talk to somebody or have a hard conversation or somebody butts in front of me in the line and be like, hey, that's my, like that's my spot. Like it just, it doesn't, it doesn't, it just even now like my heart is right. It just, it does something to me, which I think would be news to some people just because my ministry publicly is very confrontational, you know, to talk about sexuality. Like, I don't shy away from hard discussions when it comes to the Bible. I have no issue with embracing conflict in terms of what God has said in this word. But normal stuff between people, I don't like it.

Yeah, that's deep what you said because I think you said two key things. And I think it might be some legitimacy to that. Because I think, you know, how we were brought up and also a mixture of our personality kind of informs the way we would deal with conflict late on in our life. Absolutely. So I think you saying that you were bullied, but also just naturally your personality kind of like made you straight away from conflict. But at the same time, me growing up, I was bullied as bullied as,

bullied as well. But my personality when I was bullied, I've told you the story so many times. The first time I was bullied in front of girls and I was punching the face

in fifth grade and the girls started laughing at me and I sat there and I cried and I cried and I cried and I told myself

after that day I will never let somebody take advantage of me. But I also think that's probably something that you observed. Right? because there's nobody in your family that I've ever met that's soft.

No, seriously, everybody in your family embraces conflict. So I wouldn't be surprised if you had that inner confidence that you could fight back because that's all you knew and that's all you saw. I didn't see that. I didn't grow up seeing people fight battles. I saw people, the way I, the things I observed in my home, was when bad things happen or if anybody does anything to you, you keep it bottled up, you turn bitter, you distance yourself from that individual, and you keep it moving.

You never have a conversation about it. You never deal with it. You never fight back. That's true. That's true. And I can see that. I think you have a great point because I think, one, I always saw people embrace conflict in such violent and such destructive ways.

But never run from it. Yeah. You embrace it. You know what I'm saying? It wasn't a good embracing. No, it wasn't. It was like, you're going to get these hands. Oh, you're going to get these hands.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, you're going to get this. You're going to get my, you're going to get this like mouth and like me talking crazy to you. And if you keep talking crazy, you're going to get these hands. But that's, yeah, that's a good. To be honest with you, I haven't even thought about that. But I think it can be a mixture of all of those things. What I saw, my personality and also, you know, what happened if if Gray was traumatizing to me.

You know, I think some people could. have been like, you know what, I'm going to just avoid people who come at me like that. But me, I said, you know, nobody would ever take advantage of me. Yeah. And I wonder if people go back that far. Like if people ask themselves, what did I observe growing up that might be, I guess might have influence on how I deal with conflict and confrontation now? Because I'm pretty sure nine times out of ten, you're modeling somebody. Right. You're either modeling the parent who was passive and did not push back against much. They just held it in and fixed it within themselves.

Or you're dealing with the parent or the mentor or whoever that the way they handled conflict might have been in a healthy way where they had conversations and they prayed about it and they pursued the person and they were loving. Or the way they handled conflicts was like conflict was we're going to fight. Like, you're not fend to keep talking crazy to me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right. I think we will inevitably, in some sense, become what we've seen and what we were raised by. How did, so you were bullied, you said, y'all going to get this work, y'all not going to keep doing me like this. As an adult, then, how did that, like, how did, yeah, how did your method of embracing conflict develop?

And I'm not even saying necessarily good or bad, but how did that look? look as when you grew up? Yeah, it always looked like I'm going to, I'm going to always speak my mind. I'm going to always let somebody know. Why, though? To speak your, like, what were you? So I grew up in a very, you know, rough environment. So the number one thing that you have in your mind when you grew up, kind of how I grew up,

is everybody is trying to take advantage of you to gain leverage, to, to, to, to, to, get what they want or to assert some type of dominance over you. So growing up, even when I came into places, not only did I embrace conflict, but I created conflict so that I won't have to deal with a particular type of conflict. So, for example, I come into a room in a situation and I'll let people know not to mess with me. Right. I'm not a pump.

Right. You know what I'm saying? So that, yeah, yes, to let people know that I'm not the one to be taking advantage of. So I grew up with that kind of mentality. And also, too, I dealt with conflict a lot because everything somebody did, I thought it was, yeah, one of those situations where I had to defend myself. So I was always on edge. I was always, you know, defending myself even when I didn't really have to defend myself. That makes sense.

Which sounds like the way you handle conflict came out of a sense of identity, where it's, if I don't defend myself, if I don't fight back, if I don't handle this confrontation in a particular way, you're going to think a certain thing about me. Yeah, or take advantage of me. But I'm saying, well, yeah, but the taking advantage of would have been a byproduct of them assuming that they can, aka calling you weak. or seeing you as weak, which to me means or speaks to the thought that how we deal with conflict too is linked to how we see ourselves or understand ourselves and the people around us. Because I guess for me, I don't care as much if you think I'm weak because I already know I am. And so instead of me trying to deal with the situation and me look more weak, let me just retreat and just go into a closet and delete myself from your life. So when you say you know you are, define weak, because like you said before, a lot of people

look at you and say, Jackie Hill Perry is far from weak. It's like, we. And yeah, and that's true in some senses. So, so when you say weakness, when it refers to you, what do you mean? Well, if we're talking about middle school, you know, elementary, it's, I cannot be as big. and bad as y'all are. My personality isn't even made that way. And so when the kids

are picking on me, I don't even have the tools to talk to you in a way that would make you feel bad. I don't have the tools to make you cry. I don't have the skills to fight you back. And so instead of me trying to

be something I'm not, I'm just going to be what I am, which is this quiet, shy girl who's just going to get talked about. Now, What developed out of that was me being somebody who was sarcastic, somebody who was deeply observant. And so I've already read 90% of you and all the problems on your face so that when we do have an issue, now I can come from you in a way that hurts your entire life. But those kinds of defenses came out of me being abused in a particular way. You know what I'm saying?

I think now I don't think I have as big a problem embracing conflict now just because I'm a Christian. I've grown, and I'm just much more mature. It isn't necessarily about being weak or being vulnerable. It's just about being real. Yeah. So somebody like you who grew up just like you, who had the same struggles, who didn't know how to embrace conflict, who was picked on, and now that you're a Christian and you've developed, yeah, embracing conflict better,

how did you get to that point? Because if I was listening, I would love to. Yeah. Well, I think a lot of it is you. I think being married to somebody who always leans into the hard conversations, it kind of makes you see the fruit of it and the benefit of it. And I think it's a, I think it's a, what's the word? I think to be loving in the way that God has called me to as a Christian, I think I'm obligated to embrace conflict now. Before, before Christ, you know, I would, if anybody did it, I've said this before, but if you did me,

dirty, there is no conversation. We're just not friends anymore. I'll just disappear. You don't even know that I'm mad. You just know that I'm not there anymore. You know what I'm saying? But now I recognize that's not honoring to God. It might feel comfortable and it might make me feel safe, but does it make Jesus look good? No. And so I think now I see, now I have to embrace conflict because unity and this person or unity and the dignity of this person matters. Yeah, that's good. That's good. When did you realize that the way you were embracing conflict was problematic?

Was it when you was filled with the Holy Spirit? Absolutely. Or did you have to get corrected and rebuked a lot when you were a Christian? I was corrected and rebuked a lot when I wasn't a Christian, but it wasn't until I became a Christian where me getting corrected and rebuked it mattered. Like it affected me now because it's like now I have the Holy Spirit that's, that's convicting me because I knew a lot of the conflict that I engaged in before I became a Christian was wrong and how I dealt with it and how I spoke to people was wrong. But I didn't care.

And to God, you know, got a hold of my little heart. You know what I'm saying? So I think, you know, afterwards, when I became a Christian, I think I think talking to people in a disrespectful way, having a sharp tongue, being brutally. honors and not considering my neighbor better than myself, it started to affect me. So it started to force me to change the way I approach people. And then just I think it's hard to be a Christian and not to look on the life of Jesus and how he dealt with conflict, you know, not being afraid to embrace hard conversations, but doing it in very gentle and respectful ways that would, you know, that would help

people. And then also just lastly, I think developing a true love for people. Yeah, that's, that really is the thing. The key, yeah. If you don't love anybody, you're not really going to care. Absolutely. Absolutely. Because I think what, I think what

good conflict is and embracing it looks like I'm going to embrace this conflict, not just to get something off of my chest or not to just be heard. But so this relationship can be mended. And so this person, or so this person can be better.

Yeah. Because a lot of times that's the reason why we embrace conflict is because it's something between you and a loved one or you and a coworker or whatever. Or you see something in someone's life that's problematic and you have to correct them. So I think the goal of embracing conflict, it has to be love for people and not just to merely... And the motivation. The motivation. Because I think the two extremes of how people...

I think we both are on either side of the extreme. I'm the passive, not going to say anything, kind of just going to let it go and deal with it within within myself. You, on the other hand, aggressive, assertive, challenging, maybe fighting, hurting feelings, right? Both of those are loveless. They just look different. That's true.

I think yours might look more loveless than mine just because it's so out loud. But just because mine is quiet and silent doesn't mean it's not loveless either. I think being apathetic or, yeah, I think being unwilling to pursue a person or lean into a conversation that might make you uncomfortable is selfish. It really is because it's your own way of keeping yourself safe rather than being like Jesus, who, He didn't revile in return when he was mistreated, but he didn't, he wasn't quiet out of trying to keep himself safe or out of pride or out of the perception of not being presumed as weak. He did it because he was entrusting himself to God to actually deal with the situation at hand. And so I think the way you deal with it really has to do with who you're trusting and stuff.

Yeah, that's good. You said something a couple of minutes ago. You said how, you know, your relationship with me has helped you be more. confrontational and stuff like that. But in so many ways, I think my relationship with you has helped me be to calm down. To calm down. To be more and to be more wise. Yeah, mindful. Mindful. Yeah. Yeah, you know, because I think that I think that when you start to grow in, when you start to grow in being more comfortable with confronting people, the way you would do it and how thoughtful you were with how you spoke started to convict me.

Yeah. It's like, oh, okay. Which is, we should talk about that because that's, that is a thing that, because you have some people thinking, okay, let, I'm going to embrace conflict. Cool. I got it. Like, oh, girl, she, she said something to me the other day during text. And I was like, oh, that, that really like made me mad.

So I'm going to handle this. Yeah. Where it's like, okay, calm down first. The, what you say matters just. as much. Or saying something matters, but what you say matters a lot too. And how you say it. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. So I just think that like when you, when you start to embrace conflict and the thoughtfulness and how you did it was key to me and me seeing that, me, you know, seeing how you, the word choice, the tone, how you, how you worked hard to speak. bail things out for people. Because I think a lot of times we don't do the hard work of like really considering how somebody might receive what we're, you know, what we have to say. We are more concerned with just getting something off of our chest.

And you know what? I think I've never thought about this before, but I think because being confrontational is not natural to me, every time I've had to confront somebody, I've had to pray about. it to ask for wisdom to do it strength to do it courage to do it and i guess because it's not natural and because i had to depend on god to do it god actually gave me grace yeah versus the person that it is natural for they don't go in prayer they just go and say oh i'm gonna get this off my chest not not like going in the power of the spirit yeah to do it in a way that would be honoring to god perhaps that's why i think proverbs

has like a lot of words in it that help us when it comes to language and our heart. And wisdom. Yeah, when it comes to conflict, especially Proverbs 51, it says, A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. That's difficult to do, though. That's a word. Because if somebody has mistreated you or did something that just offended you, you don't want to have a soft answer, right?

Yeah. Why? Because it's like I want you to feel me I want you to feel my pain Yeah it's more about us Yeah You know

And with with And it's crazy because if we Embrace conflict and loving ways That I think we still will have good results I think we'll still have peace I think we can still get things off of our chest And eventually But you just don't damage or offend somebody in the process

We want to immediately Just speak our minds And we end up you know making things worse. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And I think that's what their passage means. It's like, what does it say again?

A soft answer turns away. Yeah. Yeah. A soft answer turns away rave, but a harsh tongue stirs up anger. It's just like, no, like you literally just went into a situation. You got it off your chest, but now it's more conflict that you have to deal with. And this is why embracing conflict as a Christian is so fruitful. Because to do it in a way that God,

God loves and is pleased by, you need to pray and ask for his help. And by doing so, you actually have to consider the other person. That's humility. That's selflessness. And that looks like Jesus, right? That doesn't look like the world. Because for me to even care about having a soft answer, I have to care about how my answer will be received by you. Meaning, I have to care for you and how I approach you about what you did to me. Absolutely. Which is deep. Absolutely.

And it's crazy because I think talking about Christians and how we embrace conflict, I think a lot of, it wasn't until I start doing Boat TV where I realized that Christians are way more afraid of conflict than I thought. Because when I started to do Boe TV, which is nothing but conflict, it's just me talking to people who I disagree all the time. That's true. And so when I started to do Boat TV and I started to talk to people in. these different religions and talking to people like atheists and agnostics, the only thing that I

were read in the comments at first was, oh, this would make my nerves go bad, girl. Oh, I couldn't do it. Oh, this, this is making me nervous. Oh, I had to turn it off and come back to it because my heart was beating real fast. It was like, why are we afraid of conflict so much? And I think that, yeah, it surprised me. But also, I want to let people know, like, I think in embracing conflict. The reason why I feel like I can embrace conflict the way I do is because I've seen so many examples of great outcomes when I do it in the way God wants me to do. That's good. And also, too, I think that if we see the benefit of the outcome of embracing conflict in healthy ways, we'll be more willing to do it. I think a lot of times when we, as Christians, we unknowingly don't really

realize that we bring a lot of what the world has taught us about conflict into our Christian lives. Or what our homes have taught us about. Because you have some people that grew up in homes where there was so much conflict and it was never handled in a good way, in a healthy way. And so the lens by which you see conflict is a very negative and unhealthy lens. Absolutely. So yeah. So like when you see me on YouTube arguing with somebody, don't think this is your uncle and your daddy fighting and barbecue. You know what I'm saying? It's completely different.

But also I want to say this real quick. In 1st Peter 315, it talks about, you know, always being prepared to make a defense of why you believe what you believe but do it with gentleness and respect. And it talks about having gentleness and respect. And though this passage is talking about those who want to defend the faith or defend why they believe what they believe, I think what it says in verse 16 is key in 1st Peter 315. It says having a good conscience so that when you are slander,

those who revile your good behavior in Christ maybe put the shame. And I think what Peter is talking about here is embracing conflict, I think it's very important for us to always remember that how we respond makes Jesus look bad, but it also makes while we even went into the conflict in the first place look invalid. It, it, it, it, it, fleshed that out. What does that mean? So I think that when we embrace conflict, um, and we come into a situation and we approach somebody in a wrong way, though the reason why we approached it might be valid, how we, how we, how we

approached them and how we spoke to them makes us look like we're not valid to the people who are, who are witnessing. It's like this person can say, um, because of how you spoke to them and how you, and how you responded to their neglect or their mistreatment of you, like they can flip that on you now and say, this is the type of person this is.

And now the reason why you went to them in the first place to, yeah, to justify some of the wrong that happened to you, it doesn't even matter now. So basically, you kind of erased that because the way you spoke to them. So how you handle conflict

says a lot about your character to people that are watching or observing or hear about it. Yeah, because I think what Peter is talking about right here, he's saying having a good conscience so that when you are slanted, those who revile your good behavior might be put to shame. He's saying, he's saying in conflict sometimes, sometimes you might have conflict. I'm not talking about conflict between your brother and a sister. I'm talking about conflict sometimes with enemies. It's like that enemy can use your behavior against you when you don't come to them in loving ways.

When you come to somebody in a loving way in conflict, it eliminates the further slander they can have on you. That's true. You know what I'm saying? So I think loving people, even in conflict, it just disarms people, people who want to continue to slander your name and make you look like a bad person. You know what I'm saying? So God was wise and giving that word, I think. So for people like you who have a person. personality type where conflict is their thing. It's just not something they think about.

Like, I guess what word of caution or advice would you give to them? And just a small caveat, I think one of the encouraging things, and what you just said or the example that you gave about Bold TV, I think shows you how God really does use our personalities for the benefit of his kingdom. because though you grew up kind of being unnecessarily confrontational and a negative and sometimes violent and just ungodly way, now that you have the spirit, God uses that personality type, that confrontation to actually address people and their idols when it comes to having evangelistic conversations. That's why people stand on the sidelines and how does he do that? It's like, because that's how God made you. So you're able to have conversations that most people don't want to have because of God's foresight in creating Preston to be the way that Preston is and allowing Preston to be raised in the way that he was raised.

So I think that's good news to say that just because you might be a lot more assertive or aggressive when it comes to certain things, it doesn't mean that God can't use that too. But I say all that to say, how would you encourage or caution people? that are made like you? Yeah, I would say that I think when it comes to embracing conflict, when you're made like me, I would say to remember that boldness is not doing what men are afraid to do, but doing what God told you to do without fear. And I think it's a complete difference.

Because I think some people like me, they can say, well, you know, I'm a do what the person that's next to me afraid to do. And then you end up doing a lot more damage than you just being obedient. So I think that balancing the way God has made you, but also don't allow the way God has made you to prevent you from allowing God to lead you because it's a complete difference. It's like we still have to be led by a holy and a righteous God. even in our not being afraid to be to be confrontational.

You know what I'm saying? So I think that we have to find that balance because sometimes we can speak. And because that's what that's Peter's problem. You know, he wasn't afraid of conflict. I mean, he cut all buddy in, the garden against him. He rebuked Jesus. He rebuked Jesus.

And God, you know, had to work a work in that man's heart. heart. You know what I'm saying? Jesus had to work with him and say, you know what, Peter? Like, you don't always have to talk. You don't always have to, you know, buck. And, you know, I mean, you have to be led of, of the spirit. So I think just finding that balance is key because I think that you could do a lot of damage to God's people. And, you know, got to get you. Especially if you belong to him. I think practically, I think people like you, and I've seen you learn this. One, I think you have to become more mindful of people, meaning the way you confront one individual might be different than the way you confront another individual because of how they're made, how they understand

things. You know, you have friends that might be on the more sensitive side, and so you're more careful with your language. Yeah, that's good. Or you have friends that you already know that if you say X, Y, Z, they heard five, six, and seven. And so you actually have to fly. You have to fly. You have to flesh out your argument or your perspective in a way that they'll get it without being defensive. Being aware of people. Yeah. So just being observant and serving the person that you're confronting, which this obviously isn't the direct interpretation of that. But even after Jesus or while Jesus is restoring Peter, he tells them to feed his sheep, feed his lambs, take care of my people. Like serve my people.

And you see that. You see that Peter completely changes. He doesn't become timid, nor does he become passive, but he becomes much more purposeful and how he walks out his personality. Yeah, because I often say it. I often said, I say, you know, I think people will care how you spoke to them way before they care about what you said to them, you know, and how you said it. So, like, nobody really cares about, because I think sometimes when we think about embracing, in conflict, it makes both parties feel uncomfortable.

But I think that if we've considered the person that we're in front of, how they will respond to what I'm saying, you know, yeah, and just consider everything. I think that it, yeah, it just makes it easier, you know. For you, though, like for somebody who is like you, who is afraid of conflict and who strays away from it as a Christian, how should they embrace? conflict and how should they go about embracing conflict in the future? I think one fault of my own particular personality type is that I think I've been hurt so much in my life by people that I've developed this kind of sense of my not needing people.

And so because of that, it was so easy for me never to embrace conflict or not. never to restore a relationship because I never gave the relationship enough energy to care if it lasted or not. You know what I'm saying? And so I think now I've learned to have the humility that says you do need people and you do care about people and you do want people to love you back. And so be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that this relationship lasts and be willing to have a conversation to restore unity. You should not. You should not be okay with being solitary. You should not be okay with just never, ever handling a situation in a way that we're honor God. And so I think that's one, is recognizing that I need people,

therefore, to pursue a person is a good thing. I think secondly, I've said this before, but having certain conversations that might be hard or difficult gives me, people the opportunity to grow, you know, and that comes out of love because, again, I used to be a type, you did something to me, it is what it is, we can, we could be straight. We ain't got to talk, but now as a Christian, as a believer, I care about your soul, I care about your fruitfulness, and I want you to be made aware of the things that you do that might be a blind spot. Because I have to give people the benefit of the doubt to say, they probably didn't know that they offended me. They probably didn't do it on purpose. And so I'm not being fair to them to not give them

the opportunity to have another perspective or vantage point on the things that they do that they don't know they're doing. And so some confrontation is really just an opportunity for me to show my brother or my sister another side of themselves that God wants to sanctify, which is love. So I don't know. I think both extremes are just people that need. to grow in love. And that's, and that's so good what you said, because I just thought about it when you said that, that is what helped me grow.

That is literally what helped me grow. What? In my, one of the things that I, that I was corrected by a lot when I first became a Christian is how I spoke to people. Yeah. But it wasn't until the people who wasn't afraid of conflict, they came to me in loving ways and said Preston,

when you said this. Yeah. you know, this came off that way. You know, my friend Ezekiel did it a lot. When you, I know you're honest person, but when you said this, this came off that way. And this person, you know, heard, you didn't mean it that way. So it made me grow. And they helped me to see myself.

And they helped me to understand that I have to observe people, you know. So people like you and Ezekiel and Itohan and all our friends, y'all, y'all help me so much. But I also think that people should know to embrace conflict doesn't mean that you have to have a conversation every five seconds. Absolutely. Because, I mean, going through life, people are going to offend you. And so everything does, oh, we need to sit down to talk. Oh, we need to sit down to talk. Oh, we need to sit down to talk.

It's like, okay, you're actually just taking everything personal and you don't know how to let some stuff slide. Right. Like, I think you have to have the wisdom and the discernment and some sense of thick skin to know what stuff needs to be a conversation. And what stuff just needs to be let go. Yeah. Because everything, everything don't have to be a confrontation. Absolutely. And everything does have to be a confrontation like right now.

Yeah, that's true. Because sometimes you can, you can speak too soon and damage somebody. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I think being discerning, being sensitive to the Holy Spirit, like, man, maybe, you know, this person doesn't need this conflict right now. If somebody just lost their mother or lost their job, maybe you shouldn't talk about what they did to you.

today. Maybe it's just not the right time. I know you, I know you grieving it all, but I was grieving last night because I text you and told you sorry about your mama and you only just put a thumbs up. And I felt, I just didn't feel like my care was reciprocated. Yeah. That is arrogant. Yeah. And so, so selfish. Egotistical. But I'm embracing conflict, Preston. That's what you told me to do. No, we did not tell you to be fully. I know you mourning, but I was grieved too. I was just trying to be there for you And so now I ain't never going to be there for you Because you don't know how to be there for me when I'm there for you

Right. So yeah, I'm sorry though I'll tell y'all about y'all, y'all crazy people I'm sorry though I really am sorry but we can't be friends anymore All right Is there any book? I think one book I would recommend I think I've recommended this before I'll put it in the podcast notes

But Relationships A Mess Worth Making by Paul Tripp Excellent, excellent book Because I think he really gets into the part of why we handle our relationships the way that we handle them and just how to allow the gospel to be applied to that. So I would recommend that and the Bible. Yeah, the Bible is always good. Hey, this is the first time. I think we cracked like almost 40 minutes. No, but we took breaks that will be edited out. So it would probably be 35. Okay. Yeah. All right. Bye guys. Peace.