Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #12
Episode Date: May 7, 2021We tackle… competing with kids, trying not to swear, hanging out with the Friends cast, first dates, face masks and getting to know your neighbours. Plus, there may or may not be some serious backpe...daling from the Wolf on his celebrity endorsements beef. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at wolfowlpod@gmail.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Today
Something is coming
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Or face extinction
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Now playing only in theaters Yeah. That's an awful howler. Both of them are known to pull up at your shows. Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows.
Fuck the censorship.
Let them see the whole thing.
They stay dressed to kill.
Never sheep's clothing.
Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon.
You'll see nothing.
All you hear is a huff of puff and a...
Expect killings.
Red spilling and flesh ripping.
Impressive in it.
The death bringing, it's head spinning.
Just kidding.
Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog welcome to the wilfred l bonus episode
you got two this week
uh how are you tom oh i'm good man i'm good. Do you know what? I feel very good. I've just done an incredible workout with Standard Man,
Fakari, which has really set me up for today,
which I find a workout and, you know,
excluding pressure and, like, adrenaline.
Excluding?
Is that excluding a word?
Excluding, I don't think, I don't believe is a word,
but I don't even know what you're trying to say.
Like, releasing.
Exerting?
Oh, releasing.
Yeah, exerting was actually the perfect word.
Exerting yourself?
Okay.
Yeah, exerting myself and actually feeling ready to rock.
The day feels like, you know, the day feels like,
I've never been skiing before,
but I can imagine it's the same sort of feeling
like when you master a slope. sure sure sure i understand what i understand
what you're getting you've been skiing before i have been skiing i went skiing uh for misadventures
in uh bosnia they've got good skiing there so yeah and um they let me have a half a lesson
with the kids um and then they put me on an intermediate slope and i
complained about that in a way that they thought was funny but was actually me on camera being
quite annoyed so there you go yeah how did you get on did you master it no i gave up halfway
through i said i've had enough of this there's no fucking i'm gonna die like that mate it was
like fog just to the left of us and then it was just a sheer drop off that,
and I couldn't keep myself in a straight line.
So I said, I'm just going to go off the edge there.
But what made it slightly embarrassing was one of the camera operators,
she was filming me while skiing backwards down the same slope
that I was kicking a fucking fuss up about.
So it was a bit awkward.
It's weird when you are, as an adult, surrounded by kids,
you don't know who are better than you are.
I had to go to asthma club not so long ago
because I wasn't taking my asthma pumps right.
This is before the first lockdown.
I was sort of getting a little bit wheezy.
I'm going to be honest with you, Tom.
I'm stunned into silence for what you've just said.
First of all, how does it get
identified that you need to go to asthma club because the woman said that i wasn't taking the
um so like i wasn't taking asthma seriously enough and i wasn't taking me i mean this is
before lockdown and in all fairness it might well have saved my life but um i went to asthma club
and everyone else there was sort of range for the ages of about probably five to about 13 or 14.
And they weren't cool 13, 14 year olds.
They were sort of me at 13, 14.
Do you know what I mean?
Like sort of, yeah.
And did they, was it quite a buzz for them to see Tom Davis sort of?
None of them knew who I was.
Also not able to use an asthma pump like them.
Yeah.
I mean, I think for them to see a massive doofus not being able to also
master what is essentially just pushing down on something and sucking was it was it um was it a
bit like you know there's american films where a guy like some they put they put in a guy who's
had to repeat the year like a hundred times and so you end up with this funny promise with a 40
year old man in a kindergarten class there was there was a kid there called Jason
who I could tell...
So you made friends, that's good.
No, no, he stuck out my mind.
He was like probably 12.
And he was really like,
he was sort of like cock of the walk there.
He was like, you know,
I kind of like looked at him and thought,
actually, probably everywhere else that you go,
you haven't got the power that you wield here.
And that's why I was quite,
at one point I was thinking I could dominate here.
I could be the coolest person,
but I sort of let Jason have that pride.
Oh, that was nice.
It was very magnanimous.
Yes.
And so now you know how to use your asthma pump.
Yeah.
I mean, the teacher was about 19.
So I was like double the,
you could pretty much, I think, added up half the class and the teacher and they'd have been the same was about 19. Right. So I was like double the age. You could pretty much, I think,
added up half the class and the teacher
and they'd have been the same age as me.
So, yeah, it was pretty shameful, really.
Yeah.
I went and had like three or four pints in the pub afterwards
just to make myself feel cooler.
Yeah, with Jason.
I smoked a cigarette.
Was that with Jason and the teacher?
Jason, you're going for a pint after he's 11
yeah don't worry
I'll get you served mate
don't worry about that
you just sit
at one of the back tables
smoking's cool Jason
now you know how to do
your asthma pump
it's pretty cool smoking
I tell you what's fun mate
do one of each
have a go at one
just alternate I tell you what's fun, mate. Do one of each. Have a go at one. Just alternate it.
So two things that are on my mind at the moment, Tom.
Okay, sweet one.
One, I listened back to the episodes, our last episode.
Yeah.
And I reckon I say the word fucking 75 times.
Wow.
Well, I mean, I'm sort of slightly exaggerating,
but I did swear a lot.
So for the rest of this bonus episode, I'm going to try not to swear, just as like an exercise.
I noticed when you're tired and emotional,
like that is where you swear more.
Like, you know, like someone that asks my club who gets upset
because they can't do the pump,
they'll get all stressy and sort of kick stuff.
Your version of that is swearing.
Do you think so?
Can you tell?
I don't think I've been emotional on the podcast, have I?
No, I mean sweetly emotional, but not angry emotional.
I remember swearing a bit during Newcastle Hotel Room Gate.
Yeah, you did.
Which isn't really much of an abbreviation.
You do a funny thing before you swear.
Sometimes you go, eh.
You're such a dick.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, fuck it.
Someone told me that
Tom Cruise does that in fight scenes.
What does he do?
Have you seen that
TikTok compilation of Jennifer Aniston in Friends?
No.
Where, like a lot of her lines, she does a little cough before she starts any line.
Oh, really?
She'd go, Russ, why don't you do that?
A lot.
And they put a load of them together.
And it's like her in.
I think Jennifer Aniston's in the top five actors or actresses ever, maybe.
Well, Morning Show.
Morning Show. Morning Show.
Morning Show, Friends,
the Dolly Parton film she did.
Yeah.
I think,
I genuinely look at Jennifer Aniston
and think there's nothing
you can't do.
We Are The Millers.
Oh, it's so good.
We Are The Millers, isn't it?
That's a great film.
I genuinely think
she's like the
Floyd Mayweather
of acting.
I think everyone, like you get, I think you do a scene where you're like,
I'm not getting it.
She's going to steal this.
Right.
She's a scene stealer.
She's incredible.
She's like the Lionel Messi of comedy acting,
would you say?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I look at it now and I think the rest of the Friends cast are okay.
She's just on another plateau.
She's just like, even when you go back and watch them,
Jennifer Aniston's dominating.
You think she's the best in Friends, acting-wise?
I don't think, I think she's the best in Friends by an infinite amount.
An infinite amount?
Yeah, yeah.
I genuinely think that she's the best.
Yeah, so what do you think of the others then?
Because that sort of implies that you think the rest are shit.
No, I think Matt LeBronk's a decent actor.
I think Ross is very funny.
But Jennifer Aniston is infinitely better than her.
The thing about Jennifer Aniston, if you go back and watch it,
she plays it in a way I generally think she's playing it for,
like, there's elements of drama, there's elements of comedy,
real raw emotion.
And I think some of the others sort of struggle with that a little bit.
But do you think...
Fall into a place where they're trying to make it a bit eggy and funny, but try and... Look, this is no disrespect, because I think some of the others sort of struggle with that a little bit and then they fall into a place where they're trying to make it a bit eggy and funny
but trying, like, with that, look, there's no disrespect
because I think Lisa Kudrow, I think the comeback
is one of the best shows ever made.
Big shout out to her.
I think it's amazing.
She's incredible in that.
If you can't...
But infinitely worse than Jennifer Aniston, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, carry on.
I'd stand by that.
I'd literally stand by that for the rest of my days.
So I think she's there, Jennifer Aniston, right?
Yeah.
I think that you've got...
Just so you know, for people listening, Tom's held his hand up quite high.
That's to the top of the screen, yeah?
That's the top of the frame, yeah.
Come down about there.
So now his hand's about midway up through the screen.
Yeah.
I'm just explaining because it's an audio.
Yeah.
It's an audio thing.
So around here, you've got Courtney Cox.
Okay.
So that's about in the middle, yeah?
Ross Geller
what's his name
Schwimmer
David Schwimmer
yeah
Jesus Christ
they're about here
laying waste
to the French cast
yeah
they're all in the middle
yeah
then I come down here
a little drop below
and I say Lisa Crudrow
that's just for a
performance in Friends
but I think Phoebe's
hilariously funny
but right you know
and then somewhere down here
Oh my god
he's out of the frame
Yeah Chandler
Oh
My dad hates Chandler
and I can see why
like genuinely
I don't know if I've ever
said this story on here before
when my dad first retired
he started like
catching up on TV shows
and I remember going around
to see my dad
and my parents
and went around
knocking on the door and my mum was like oh good your dad's in a bit of a tizz at the moment and I was like what's see my dad and my parents and went around knocking on my door and my mum was like,
oh, good, your dad's in a bit of a tizz at the moment.
I was like, what's wrong with him?
And she's like, he's been watching Friends.
So I went into the living room and he was just seething.
He just found Chandler so annoying.
He was like, he's always got a joke about something.
He's always got something to say.
And every time Chandler walks into a room at that moment,
I go, ugh, fire out loud.
And he talks about TV people like they're real. So's like i mean you'd have a pint wouldn't you
with joey or ross but then if charlie turned out you'd swerve it you just you wouldn't even give
him the time of day you just let and genuinely i feel that with charlie i get exactly what my
dad meant because i'd do the same if i'd say now if i was going if you turned around to me and went
i'm having a dinner party and and I went, who's coming?
And you're like, oh, it's obviously me and Lisa,
Rob Beckett and his wife, Catherine Ryan and her husband,
Monica and Chandler.
I'll go, I'm not coming.
Yeah, because you'd go,
why have you invited two fictional characters to a dinner party?
No, but look.
You're fucking lunatic.
I'm just saying.
No, I'm saying it all.
Well, okay, say me and you lived in New York.
In that alternate universe that Friends is real. Okay, yeah, go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Friends is real. Me and you probably in New York in that alternate universe that Friends is real okay yeah
Friends is real
me and you
probably live on
the floor above
or probably the
floor below
because we're not
doing that well
at the moment
right
we'd probably be
one of those
characters that
occasionally when
they lose a
like a rabbit
or something
when they go
knocking around
on the doors
we're one of the
fucking loopy
bastards that
lives on the
floor below
yeah we're not
the same you guys
hello
no I haven't seen your rabbit no I don't know where your rabbit is the loopy bastards that lives on the floor below yeah we're not the same guys hello
no i haven't seen you rabbit i don't know where the rabbit is
we're we're our characters out of house of fools right well hello rachel
what brings you to what brings you to my flat door and then you know charlie's like this guy's gonna know where the rabbit is um right so we lived there right and it's your 50th birthday right so having like a
party and we're inviting people from that we know in new york you would go to me and go uh oh hey
tom i'm looking at other people that might come to my 50th birthday. And I'm like, huh, like who, Ram?
And you're like, well, I was thinking we invite Phoebe.
She's really funny.
And Joey, Monica, obviously Rachel and Ross.
They're my favorites.
Gunther from the cast.
And do you think I'll invite Chandler?
And I just tell my guy, if you invite Chandler, I'm moving back to Texas.
And that's a damn fact.
Okay.
It's a very long run up for that.
To just sort of reiterate the point you made at the beginning of this,
that you don't like Chandler.
No, but I just think that's where my head's going.
That's what I mean.
No, but I think that's almost like worth the Chandler.
We need to get into emails.
But before we do, do you think that's almost like worth the genre. We need to get into emails, but before we do,
do you think there's an argument that the reason that,
by the way,
I do think Jennifer Aniston is absolute,
a remarkable actor.
And Jennifer Aniston,
if by any chance you're listening to the world for now,
we would break our no guest rule to have you on the podcast because Tom and I are both massive fans.
I think you're unbelievable.
He's a saint, I think.
If you haven't watched The Morning Show,
mate, she is...
I would go as far as to say, actually,
I think humanity peaked when Jennifer Aniston was created.
Okay.
I would like to distance myself from those comments.
But we are a massive fan of Jennifer Aniston.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is,
do you not think it's because Rachel's sort of the only one that's really written like a real human in Friends?
I mean, no disrespect to Friends, I really love it,
but she's a more nuanced, real character than the others.
I think Friends is, I think up there with Seinfeld,
it's a perfectly written sitcom, it incredible and when i say about the characters
that rank and i'm talking about people at the very uh highest echelons of what we do for it
they're incredible all of them but i'm just saying that jennifer anston for me just walks a higher
path and i mean that i'm not just saying i don't i can't think in my head of a role that jennifer
anston where i look and watch a film and think oh i think there's
nothing i can think that i just think she i think she can do anything yeah the breakup she's
fantastic and that as well yeah yeah i think she can save a bad movie as well yeah yeah okay let's
get into emails here before tom fully climaxes so um you frick so
first up
Dear Wolf and Al
thank you for
what has become
my favourite podcast
I just thought
sorry
can I just say something
go
I just thought like
if we lived below
the French class
here we go
I just thought
our names
right
I could be like
you know
Danny Lopez
or something right I thought your I could be like, you know, Danny Lopez or something, right?
I thought your name could be like
Tony Goblin.
And like, you're a prop comic.
Oh, God.
Let me have a look if I've seen a rabbit.
Just start pulling out loads of different shit.
No? Is it this? Is it this?
Yeah, everything but a rabbit. Cupcake in a hot dog No. Is it this? Is it this? I got everything but a rabbit.
Yeah, it's a cupcake in a hot dog bun.
Is it this?
Oh, no.
And then Phoebe would just turn around and go,
is it weird I find him sexy?
Yeah.
Oh, he could touch my phalanges anytime.
Okay.
I wanted to get your advice on first dates.
I'm a single guy who's taken to the dating apps
throughout a very long lockdown.
Next month, I'll be going on a first date with a guy
I've been texting for a couple of months.
It's been well over a year since my last date,
so I'm a little out of practice and naturally a bit nervous.
As you're both incredible human beings,
I wondered if you could share any first date advice
or stories when you went out with your respective better halves.
Supplementary questions,
do you have any recommendations for male fragrances?
I've been using Creed Aventus for a few years now,
which I always get compliments,
but are there any other hidden gems I should know about?
Thanks, and remember to never doubt yourselves.
Love to the max.
Tom.
Yo, Tom, first up, don't doubt yourself, bro,
because that Creed stuff, that smells good.
I would say Chanel Blue is good.
Sauvage, if you can get over the Johnny Depp
advert, is a lovely scent. I love a little bit of a Tom Ford, little spray up of a little Tom Ford
on the firm's always nice. But also, if you're going to go to Tom Ford, go to Tom Ford and now
you can go into a shop, I don't know if you've done this wrong, but they'll find you the perfect fragrance for you,
like your smell, your own.
It will soak into your skin
and really fucking own your fucking smell.
So I'd say, yo, Tom, do that.
Do that.
Treat yourself.
Do you know that aftershave has got whale puke in it?
What?
How do you know that? A lot of aftershave has got whale puke in it? What? How do you know that?
A lot of Aftershave's got whale puke in it.
Mate, I would sincerely say I was just rolling whale puke.
I mean, how do they even know?
How does that work?
Is that like whales just being sick somewhere?
It's really expensive to get.
So it's...
I'm trying to look it up here it's generally because
of everything in that um seaspiracy yeah the fact that they've just got what essentially
sounds like bulimic whales being sick for um for aftershave is actually one of them
i don't know i don't know how they get it i think they just find it in the sea so it's
um it's called ambergris and they put it in aftershave and it's
really expensive and if you find it like like some uh one couple found in i'm just looking
literally reading this off of my phone in morgan bay lancashire uh found a lump a 1.5 kilo lump
and it was worth 50 grand what it's a product it's a product of the sperm whale.
Only sperm whales make the compound responsible for ambergris allure.
Different compounds.
It's made by sperm whales only to glue together squid beaks.
Jesus Christ.
I mean, I'm getting a bit too into this.
But anyway, the point is they use it in aftershave.
And I think it's in Aventus.
Anyway.
I mean, let me just say quickly, shout out to whoever found that. Because that's a big mozza ball in your mouth if that doesn't work right.
Absolutely.
It really is.
You know, when people are sort of adding sort of Bergamot and cinnamon,
and then you go, do you reckon we should use some sperm whale puke?
Sorry, Dan.
Are you high?
Order up for Damien.
Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way?
Did you ask about Rebelsis?
Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today.
Did you say Rebelsis?
My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.
Rebelsis? Really?
Yeah, he says it's a pill that...
Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.
Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca.
Order up for Rebelsis.
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That just sounds like a guy who's just got a job lot of sperm whale sick in his fucking
garage or his fridge. sounds like a guy who's just got like a job lot of sperm weight whale sick in his fucking in his garage he's just got a warehouse full of whale puke just to find the
literally is yeah he's yeah it didn't work in coca-cola
tried it in cognac he's trying it in all manner of things grated it as a topping for lasagnas
and pasta dishes didn Didn't work out.
Didn't work as Pritt's dick.
His last roll of the dice is it, you know.
Like a Jack Lemmon character.
I was literally about to give up.
I was about to set fire to this warehouse for the insurance.
And then I just thought, let me see if it works in Cologne.
And there it is.
I'd say though, Tom, listen, you know,
this is probably the first time that I'll say this and it means it so, so sincerely.
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say this.
Do you, bro?
When you're going for a date, just do you.
And this is coming from someone who tried each and every way
to do a first date and do a date
and tried multiple different ways of turning up.
And I tried to do cool.
I tried to do intellectual.
I tried to do sort of like brooding tough guy.
I tried to do most things to sort of like really sort of sculpt a first date
and none of them worked.
And so it took me to really get to sort of like in my early 30s
to really realize that actually being myself and uh just being a
massive doofus who who who yeah self-deprecating idiot would actually you know because in all
fairness if your relationship goes anywhere with someone you don't want to bite off because
otherwise you could end up playing that character for like 20 25 years um and yeah believe me, I'm stuck in a fucking role. I can't quit now.
Is that brooding tough guy?
Basically masquerading
as a sexy enigma for Lisa
for the last 12 years.
Fucking Oscar winning role that will never get
anything. He was a Spur a sperm whale spunk salesman
who started a rule he could never finish so uh yeah i i think just go with being you tom man
and look smell nice dress nice uh and also this is actually the most invaluable piece of advice.
And I generally think that, you know, someone said this to me once,
but listen, it's amazing.
Me and my wife actually use one of our favorite pastimes
if you're out and you see a first date.
And you see just, usually it will be like one person
just overtaking all the, and we talked about this a lot on the last show,
I think, or show before about bragging.
But someone who's just doing all of the talking,
I think take that little step back.
And actually, really, coming out of lockdown,
it's really easy just to fucking, like,
sort of outpour everything.
But, yeah, I think, listen, be yourself,
smell nice, and just work on that really sweet, sweet laugh.
And, Tom, you'll be a man, my son.
Yet again, very good advice from Tom Davis, the wolf there.
That listen thing is great.
Do you know that I read somewhere,
it might have been in one of those old school
how to win friends and influence people books or whatever,
but if you have a conversation with somebody
and all you do is ask questions and listen,
they will leave that conversation thinking
you're an incredible conversationalist
just because they feel like they've had a proper chat.
Do you know what I mean?
Whereas, you know, sometimes we've all been in chats with people
where you feel like, have you been in a conversation?
I know you and I have been in a conversation like this recently
where you're sitting around and basically there are people just waiting.
They don't even give a shit what you're saying.
They're just waiting for the opportunity to throw in their anecdote.
Do you know what I mean?
It's insane. I mean, in in our world it's so much i mean we sat in a situation
where um yeah it felt like sort of like this uh person would tell a story he'd give us the uh
you know the sort of like the fair crack at the whip for me and ron to tell a story yeah and then he'd tell
a massive aggressive story on the back of that without listening to it and his story wouldn't
have to follow a segue like i think conversationally right you had to follow a segue like you know
you tell a story about saying and i tell a story about a similar experience and then that's how
conversation works or you know we'd all just talk about that thing he just he like we could be
talking about gardening and next thing i know he's talking about aircrafts do you know what i mean
it's like a whole different fucking and and some people are very comfortable i know this seems
weird coming from a comment coming from two people who have a podcast where we just talk and talk and
talk but in a in a social setting some people are so comfortable with time on the ball i find it
incredible do you mean like this sort of do you know what i mean though it's just sort of you just sort of think this has been
with you for for for a fucking long time oh no i've sworn there's eight people sitting around
there's eight people who all have an opinion um anyway sorry that's slightly it's sort of not what
you're asking uh tom but what i would say to you is, that's great advice to listen.
I think Tom's absolutely right.
Be yourself, be interested, smell nice.
And also the one thing that I would say is, even if, listen, I don't know if this is good advice,
but I know it's advice that I've given to people and I think is a good general tip.
It's sort of keep your powder a little bit dry about how into the other person you are sort of after the date you know if you've had
a nice evening you might think to yourself oh my god I can't believe how well that went and you
might feel like you want to text that person immediately even if you do feel like that
people can be interested in someone and then get put off by how sort of thirsty the other person
comes across later on down the line you can say i wanted to text you straight away and then they'll
go oh i wanted to text you straight away and you can have a good laugh about it that's much better
than you texting the person immediately and thinking oh my god this person's just looking
for a relationship with any living being do you mean so just you know that would be my kind of
tip there's a couple of um can you hear that noise what is it
we've got a ring doorbell
which is great
but Lisa's turned up
if basically anybody walks
within five metres
of our front door
it sets off this kind of
weird chime thing
you live on a high street right
yeah it's a nightmare
Oxford Street
we're just above
we're just above
Nike town
that'd be such a fucking nutty situation.
To have a ring doorbell on Oxford Street.
You're not getting any sleep.
No one's broken in.
I feel secure,
but I've got long, deep-seated anxiety
from the fact that I haven't slept for three months. so next email uh dear lisa rom and tom um love the podcast and he goes on to be very very
nice about it but i'm not going to read all that
um to offer some background moving on i have a question for you that at the moment is debate
almost on a daily basis between me and my wife to offer some background we recently bought our
first house it's not anywhere near where we used to live it's about an hour and a half
drive away and because of this we've reduced who we know locally to zero now the new house is on
development of about 20 houses and on on moving, we received a card
inviting us to the development WhatsApp group,
which I decided we should join
in an attempt to immerse ourselves.
My wife was less optimistic about this.
I grew up in a house where my elderly neighbours
were like surrogate grandparents,
and even as a child, I'd regularly cross the shared drive
and sit in for tea, biscuits, and a game of cards.
They had the spare key,
so as a teenager who would always lose his key,
I would regularly go around after school to borrow it, which of course meant more tea and biscuits and a game of cards. They had the spare key, so as a teenager who would always lose his key, I would regularly go around after school to borrow it,
which of course meant more tea and biscuits.
My wife moved around a lot more,
and I don't think I had the opportunity to form that kind of relationship.
It's been three months since we moved in.
Since joining the WhatsApp group, we have one neighbour knock on the door to say hi
and spent the next 30 minutes talking about her anxiety issues.
One neighbour asked us to take a photo of our garden as it's lovely. Asked us to take a photo of our garden as it's lovely.
And she wants to complain to developers about hers.
Then on top of that became known that I'm a police
officer and have already been
sought out twice for advice both times
regarding neighbour disputes.
Neither of which had any apparent crime or
ads. Sorry to laugh but this is quite funny.
This has led to my wife's I told you so
stance to strengthen and my will to try and get
her to integrate with me weakens with every weary neighbor i meet i think they do to be do appear to be a
fair number of normal people but the interaction with them has been minimal as expected in the
current climate so my question is how well should you get to know your neighbors how many neighbors
should you get to know has the day of trusting a neighbor with the keys to your house been and gone
thanks and keep up the great pod because it's helped me. It's helped keep me sane.
I'm going to keep him anonymous just in case.
Yeah, just in case his neighbours listen.
I mean, his neighbours sound like a fucking succession of bell-ends.
It's an absolute, absolute nest of fuck-faces.
Listen, anonymous, but I'm going to call you Ryan.
Well, that's unfortunate because... Listen, Anonymous, but I'm going to call you Ryan. Okay.
Well, that's unfortunate because…
Ryan, listen, mate.
I'm actually in a very similar position,
a very, very similar position.
I moved away from where I'm from.
I moved about two hours away, I guess, from where I'm from.
We're closer to my wife's friends. My wife has a lot of friends around
here, but in doing what me and mum do,
my head was always that it's better for her
to be closer to her friends
and family than me to mine because I'm away a lot.
I work a lot.
That's just the nature of the beast.
We've moved also to a new development.
Neighbor-wise, it is a real mixed bag of people.
We've got what's become very dear friends,
who are sort of two doors down, who do have a key for our house.
During lockdown, they've been a godsend.
They've been amazing.
They're lovely people.
Shout out Michael and Lisa.
We see a lot of them.
And they've generally become very good friends.
And then just down from that,
I've got a few people on the development I play golf with.
I've got a few people that sort of over the sands of time have become friends that sort of, you know,
you chat with and you get on with.
I mean, but then on the flip side of that,
we've got people who take absolute liberties
or you've got people that grind your gears a lot.
I mean, there was a succession
of burglaries around,
not last Christmas,
but Christmas before.
And there was a Facebook group
made for the estate that we live on
and the development we live on.
So my wife joined that.
We were the flip side of you
and your message.
My wife joined it. More in all things, I became obsessed with it i became you know actually sort of in the end sort of three or four king gary store and i came from it but um yeah i i i found
the sort of stuff that people go on about just insane like and and also so during lockdown i
think that intensified of sort of people reaching out and and
yeah i mean there's sort of a side of that that i just you feel a bit sort of sad for because there's
certain people reaching but there's a lot of people reaching out quite aggressively about
anything do you know what i mean it felt like sort of you know um and now we're coming out of this
lockdown it's sort of people are being judged on the basis that oh that's the person who was
like um doing this or doing that or sort of like, you know, trying to run things as we say. Um, so I think in short, what I'm
saying is on every new development in every new town, there will be, there'll be gold
in those hills. There will be gems to find and you will find them, my friend, you'll
find them Ryan and Libby. Um, I'll call your wife Libby. Because you're good people.
And, yeah, by the sounds of things,
you want to build a utopia that is reminiscent of the one
you grew up in and you sound like a decent guy.
And I think there will come a time where a schoolchild
who may live a couple of doors down knocks on your door because they've lost their key
and you invite them in for tea and biscuits.
Can I just say, absolutely do not invite them in for tea and biscuits.
It's 2021.
If you fancy finding yourself on a register...
No, but he knows their mum and dad and he knows them,
is what I'm saying.
Okay, fine.
I just would say, you know, just be careful of that sort of thing.
Yeah. So the times have moved on. so yeah my point is this right it's for you yeah it's for you to keep on the earnest sweetness of the child that you once were and i believe you can do that right because i think
you're a superstar fella okay that's really lovely um Ryan, what I would say to you is this.
You and your wife have obviously had different experiences growing up, right?
You've had an experience.
You've been in a beautiful neighbourhood where you can go and see the neighbours
and lovely relationships, and your wife probably hasn't.
And so for that reason, that has coloured your interpretation of how this should be.
So I don't think you should be too hard on your wife.
I think you should be, you know,'s totally fine that that you are coming at this from from from
different places i think it's nice what you're doing mate i think it's nice that you're trying to
engender a good atmosphere and a good set of friendships with your neighbors and yes that
might be a bit annoying at times but i think you sort of put up with that for the benefits you get like i'm not massively close with my neighbors um but what i would say is um year before last
no no sorry last year we we had to rely on the goodwill of our neighbors because we filmed the
rangonation from my garage and we had to have like ob trucks and broadcasting equipment and stuff all
set up in the in the the, in the street.
And if any one of them had objected or kicked up a fuss,
we wouldn't have been able to do it because you're not allowed to piss off
the neighbors just to make a TV show.
And they were also understanding and lovely about it.
And I'm not saying it's just because you want to rely on a favor,
but I'm just saying that,
you know,
if you do get on with the neighbors or you have,
or you have a good relationship with them,
you don't necessarily even have to be friends with them but this is like you know goodwill and understanding
it makes life a lot easier um if you fall out with a neighbor if you get into a situation where
you've fallen out with a neighbor which has happened to me in the past uh you need to start
instigating uh moves to to move to a new location because your life will never be good so um you know the long and the
short of it is do you right i think both you and your wife um are doing great and i understand what
that you're coming at this from different points of view but keep encouraging relationship with
your neighbors to the max okay i just think i'll end it by saying some princes are born and some
princes are made so
and I can't think of anything else
I could add to that that's also completely
irrelevant to the story
but there you go
right so here's
a quick one
Wolf Al et al
it's mainly to you mate actually
my request is for some face mask guidance Wolf Al et al. It's mainly to you, mate, actually. Okay, who else is?
My request is for some face mask guidance.
Can the wolf recommend a face mask?
I'm a big gentleman, and I struggle to find any face masks that fit and look reasonable
to cover a beard and my face.
Any recommendations?
Now, he's come to the right place,
because I've got to tell you now, Tom,
you're one of the drippiest skaters I know
so you've got the
what's this homeboy's name
Dave
of course it's Dave my guy
my G Davey boy
Dave-o
this is Dave I've got
two words to say to you
Under Armour
Under Armour make the sickest sweetest um most secure face masks they come
in a range of different colors they come in a range of different styles they also have a decent
thickness to them so you feel secure um and others around you feel secure they also will cover your
your face uh i noticed it's one of the few masks that i wear and i don't get that sweet sweet
steaming of the glasses um it'll cover the beard nicely um uh so shout out under armor i wear and i don't get that sweet sweet steaming of the glasses um it'll cover the beard
nicely um uh so shout out under armor i also and look we're still in the in the qualms of quite
cold and chilly weather um but you know what i really really rate and that's a snood
um you know snood you can pull up romesh actually busts those he's got some rather leery colored ones that are quite um this episode is brought to you
by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum
parabens dyes talc and baking soda it's made with ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin
conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws
your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today
so you're quite tie-dye vibes um from what i remember it's not tie-dye it's not tie-dye
no you did have a tie-dye one at once no no i don't want you to
to imply to people that i wear a tie-dye one on once. No, I don't want you to imply to people that I wear a tie-dye snood.
You definitely had a tie-dye snood on one day.
I did not have a tie-dye snood.
It was like orange and green, I swear.
No, I've not worn a tie-dye snood.
Right.
Yeah, listen, snoods are great, man.
Snoods are great.
Snoods are fun.
Let's all wear snoods with everyone. um snoods are great snoods are fun uh let's always snoods with everyone so okay yeah great great great okay so so that's uh there you go there's your recommendation dave
good luck with that i would also say i don't know i don't know anything about i mean i've got a
fairly large face but the gresham blake gresham blake does some really good ones shout out gresham
blake actually uh for um being a really nice guy and a sweet warm warm soul
actually i need to do a shout out actually um here we go this is not an advertisement this
isn't an effort but i want to shout out the guys at fresh kicks um because those guys have taken
some cherished trainers of mine and made them as good as new and in a world where we're worried about the environment and we're
worried about all sorts of things for a bunch of guys to stand up and say we're
gonna do something about it man yeah yeah you can take your you know yeah
weathers and just these guys are just real fucking yeah mountains of men so
yeah it's basically
just so you know
what they do
they will
they will launder
your trainers
but they don't just
launder your trainers
they look brand new
after that
and they take
trainers that are
in an absolute state
oh man
honestly they work
miracles
they work miracles
like you know
you might have a pair
of trainers that you've
had since you were
I don't know
like 23
yeah we get the
yeah we get the idea
they will deal with really horrendous trainers.
Now, speaking of adverts, sort of the subject.
Oh, there's a couple of things, actually, with this email.
So this is from Steph.
Hey, Steph.
You're Steph.
Big fan of the podcast.
I've enjoyed the many conversations in which the wolf has expressed
his strong beliefs in only advertising things he fully believes in.
Noble.
Especially love the Burger King story.
Now, before we carry on with this email,
I just want to tell you something about Burger King.
So, as a vegan, I am constantly looking for a decent fast food option.
And what I mean by that is, you know, I don't need Burger King, McDonald's,
all these places
have amazing vegan burgers all i want is a passable option because you're constantly out of your
friends and they go should we just nip into mcdonald's quickly and grab something and so
just having something that is an option is valuable with that in mind burger king released Burger King released a vegan chicken royale thing, right?
And they also got this plant-based Whopper.
Right.
So now, the other day, I decided to try both of those burgers.
In one sitting?
In one sitting, yeah.
I didn't get fries or anything.
I just got the two burgers.
Burger King fries are amazing, by the way.
I miss them.
So I got the two burgers.
Let me just tell you this now
both those burgers
were fucking
unacceptable
oh really
they were
unacceptable
the plant-based
Whopper
can absolutely
eat a bag of
dicks
twice
it is
it is
I would say
now bearing in mind
Tom
veggie burgers
are banging now, right?
I have them all the time.
Beyond Meat, Impossible Burgers, all of those burgers, they're getting it right.
Where Burger King have pulled this thing, this monstrosity out of, I've got no idea.
But it's a big, big thumbs down for me.
Now, just to give you an idea, i did prefer the the chicken the vegan royale
thing but what i would also say is i would have also preferred a dog turd to that plant-based
because it was it was rank and in fact burger king i'm putting myself out there to say
you need to withdraw that burger mate it's It's doing... You cannot call yourself burger royalty.
So that is twice we've said that Burger King is shit.
Guys would just say now, boycott Burger King.
Boycott Burger King by all means.
Yeah, they're letdowns.
They're big, stinking letdowns.
Well, anyway, the email goes on
after the loving your Burger King story.
You can imagine my surprise
when I was listening to an old, old episode
of Richard Herring's Leicester Square podcast
with Tom Davis.
Initially so excited to come across it and get some extra Tom time.
It's obviously somebody that enjoys this podcast,
but wishes that they could listen to the wolf without the owl, I imagine.
So she's gone hunting.
Imagine my surprise when within the first 10 minutes,
it was revealed that the wolf has been paid to create some long promotional
videos about Southampton football club.
What? This is incredible.
Wolf is a West Ham fan.
And he said on the podcast that he did it for the money.
And it feels like cheating on your wife.
Just one to consider.
Now, can I just say, Tom, in the style of you.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
you wow wow wow with all of the rage that you have sprayed out by the bucket load like a angry jizz listen the number of people you've taken down your absolute incandescent rage at people
advertising things that they don't support or they don't consume. And now we've found out that, Tom,
one of the most militant hammers
that I know...
Let me just jump in here.
Because I know that you're getting...
No, I know that you're getting dizzy and aroused
with self-righteousness.
But I need to throw this out there.
And look, Steph, I value your listening.
I value you as a human being.
And I think what you've brought up is a very, very good point.
I was paid by Adidas.
That was an Adidas commercial.
Oh, my God.
That featured Southampton.
Oh, my God.
So the original idea was it was supposed to be West Ham.
I was contractually meant to do it.
And it ended up in Southampton.
The three stripes being the whole reason into it
also also it's worth me saying at that point when i did it i was uh a very very poor comedian i was
genuinely just starting out in this industry right and uh you know don't get me wrong it do i look
back at it and think uh yeah maybe i shouldn't have done it but also i had rent to pay and i was very much
on the bones of my very ass i was i was really struggling at the time so with that said um yeah
look i am man enough to say that maybe i have at times outspoken and and been rather damaging to
to people who are doing efforts but if everyone can go back
and listen to something and this is what i was saying i bear no ill will no ill will on anyone
who is doing stuff that you know is either sort of up and coming or people who are having to earn
a living out of it my point was this george George Clooney, right? Keanu Reeves.
What I'm talking about
is Johnny Depp
if he doesn't wear Sauvage.
No, no, no.
Keanu Reeves,
before you say this,
Keanu Reeves and George Clooney
are different.
Keanu Reeves is in the game.
Yeah.
So that's understandable.
Yeah, so Keanu Reeves,
look, I'm going to shout out.
Keanu Reeves, man, you're a G.
You're an absolute legend.
I love your stuff.
You're an amazing guy
and I didn't realise
at the time you were in the game.
So, yeah,
and actually, my consideration is because I don't think anyone played the game't realise at the time you were in the game. So, yeah. And actually, my consumerist erasions,
because I don't think anyone played the game long enough
to actually see you were in it.
Wow.
But, you know, you're one of my favourite actors of all time.
I love you, bro.
George Clooney, again, one of my favourite actors.
But my point was on that.
If he doesn't drink Nespresso, you know.
So what you're saying is because he's not up and coming,
because he's made a lot of money.
Yeah, but also, look.
It makes it worse.
I will say this.
I'm a massive West Ham fan.
Never in that Southampton video
was I a Southampton fan.
I was a guy brought in
to help Southampton.
Sure.
And let me just say, by the way,
go back and look.
That season,
when I came in to help Southampton,
their results were incredible.
They beat Arsenal.
They beat Southampton.
Don't do this.
Yeah.
Shout out to Sadio Mane, they beat Southampton. Shout out to
Sadio Mane, one of my close friends.
Virgil van Dijk. These guys went on to do amazing
things. Am I a part of that? Of course I am.
So, look, some men
are born princes. Some were
created as such.
To give you some credit, at least that makes a bit
more sense in this context. Can I
ask you a question? Would you have done if it
was Millwall or Spurs? No.
So the truth is you
did know that you were doing something?
I did Southampton because I think Southampton
genuinely is a very well-run football
club and I
needed the money.
I'm never ever going to say
I was very skinty that time.
What would you do if you saw
that I'd done an advert for Adidas
that involved Tottenham or something?
Yeah, but that's a whole different matter.
I know you wouldn't.
No, but what would you do if you saw that?
Well, I know that you're a multi-millionaire,
so I'd be like, why have you done that?
You're such a dickhead.
Why have you done that?
Look, I'm going to say this as well.
Since that day, I've been offered work by nearly every other
Premier League club
and most of them
aside West Ham
and I've
I've said no
so
yeah
and I've turned
I can tell you now
and you know this
I've turned down adverts
that I don't believe
that are for me
so
yeah
okay
look
what I would say to you is
you actually did
you actually did defend your position
quite effectively there.
It rankled for me to say that, but well done.
Does it rankle Nathan?
Yes.
Okay.
You know, it made me feel like I was in a production meeting
with someone pitching me a dreadful idea.
Yeah.
So we've got this show called Does It Rangle nathan you and it's um it's just members
of the public uh and they are they've got they've got things that they think they find really
annoying and what you and like a couple of your friends you know some of your funny you know some
of your funny friends we want it to be friends of yours so that there's a natural rapport there
what you've got to decide is whether hearing hearing that story, whether that wrangled Nathan's you or not.
And then if it does wrangle Nathan you,
you just press a buzzer.
We get a big sort of confetti gun
sort of shoots across the stage.
It just says sort of wrangle Nathan.
And then that person is put into
the wrangled Nathan Hall of Fame.
And if it goes the other way,
a big cow comes out
and it fucking shits warm diarrhea all over the person in question we've got we've got a cow just sort
of backstage just constantly being fed jalfrezi okay we've got time for one more aren't we yeah
uh hi wolf owl and swan uh the podcast. I need your help.
Me and my partner are expecting baby number two
at the start of July.
We're struggling to think of a name.
We both like the name Storm or Stormy,
but with my last name being Pain,
we don't know if it'll sound right.
I know Rom's got kids,
and so he's probably been through this process,
and I feel like Tom could probably think of some good choices
that would suit with the surname.
We already have a daughter called Ivy
and don't want something too similar. Cheers keep doing what you do i mean i think you've got to be careful with
the name storm i really do i think why do you say that well look when you're naming a kid right
you've a name like storm don't get me wrong like it's incredible name if that person can take that
name on their shoulders and run with it. Okay? You know?
Me and you are both fucking...
It shows us both how mediocre our parents thought me
and you were going to be.
My name is Thomas.
Your name is Jonathan.
Do you know what I mean?
It shows just now that even as babies,
our parents looked upon us and thought,
they're not going to have the fucking vibes to carry Storm.
One of my mum's favourite things to say about me
is that I was completely free of vibes.
Yeah.
So they knew that we wouldn't be able to be called Dalton
or fucking Storm or fucking Viper or whatever.
So I'd be wary of Storm or Stormy.
I really, both lovely names.
I think you need to just assess the kid.
And I think Ivy, by the way, is a beautiful name.
I'm a classicist when it comes to names i really am you know i really think a nice classic
name is is yeah or just make something out completely do you know what i think leaf pain
would be nice leaf pain yeah leaf would be cool yeah be careful with storm but leaf would be cool
yeah but leaf is leaf is works on so many different levels.
I've never seen a kid book called Leaf before.
Yeah.
Sometimes when things haven't happened before,
there's good reason for that.
Yeah, also... I also haven't heard a kid called Dogshit before.
No, Leaf is different from Dogshit.
Come on.
Like Cola.
I've never seen a kid called Cola before.
No.
Yeah.
Actually, Cola's all right,
but Cola is sort of
yeah um what what listen i don't i i i get where tom's coming from i think choose whatever name
you want is the truth of it you know don't worry about outside perceptions really i mean
one of the problems that lisa and i had as teachers was that we couldn't think of a name that we didn't know a kid that was really annoying that had that name.
I mean, so that's the only kids called Lisa.
No, no, no.
But I teach, you know, I taught in Crawley.
How likely is that going to be?
But but what I would say is don't ever tell anybody the names you're thinking about before you've actually given the baby the name.
ever tell anybody the names you're thinking about before you've actually given the baby the name because what will happen is is people will put their their their opinion in and ruin a name for
you in this you know like if you if you if you say i'm thinking about calling the baby storm
they'll go oh i'm not sure about that like tom did i'm not criticizing tom tom's just giving his
honest opinion if you just if you'd have said in your email our first child's called storm i almost
guarantee you both would have gone isn't that a lovely name and that's because your baby's already got that name yeah people are not going to
criticize a name that your kids already got so what i would say is choose carefully keep it to
yourself and you know what when you're choosing a name do you and do it to the max and actually
just quickly i'm going to throw this into the mix because i know we've got to go. Wood. That is a great name for a kid.
Wood.
Woodpain.
Woodpain.
That's good, yeah.
Sounds like a fitting.
I didn't even think about the surname.
It's even better with the same.
Woodpain.
Yeah.
Woodpain.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
Wood is a strong name.
It sounds like something a builder asks to be passed to him
to complete a job.
Can't pass to Woodpain, Woodpain.
I love it. Right, listen listen I hope you enjoyed the bonus
episode we've got a dash
but it's been lovely chatting to you Tom
I love you from the bottom of my heart
I love you bro and as I always say at the end
of all of these go easy go free
if you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all,
please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com.
That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com.
We'd love to hear from you,
mainly because we don't have any content ideas.
Thank you.