Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #14

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

This week, a rather hungover Owl and Wolf tackle questions on… moving schools, judging people on first impressions, drinking limits, embarrassing condiments and more troublesome neighbours. Tom also offers some sage advice on befriending mammals and fish. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome to the Wolf and Al Bolas episode. It's me, Tom Day...

No, it's me and Tom Davis. I'm hungover. Are you hungover? Out of 10, how hungover are you? Seven. I'm on a two-day hangover at the moment. I was pretty loaded two days ago. I'm thinking about, you know, you start thinking about giving this shit up, don't you? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You know, writing a day off. Writing two days off is savage in it yeah like today i can tell you now i'm just gonna i'll do little and nothing i'll regress to like a

teenage boy just sitting in my pants playing like xbox or something and you know bearing in mind that you and i are supposed to be trying to lose weight at the moment how will will you will you take a will you take a break from your uh dietary restrictions today do you think yeah i might look the only thing i'll say is yesterday in my really hungover state i played 18 hours of golf and then today i did get up first thing and do a massive session of weights with stan the man so even hungover i just i have to try and do that because you know why though that isn't even because of losing weight

that otherwise I'm the worst person in a hangover you'll ever meet I get so low it's unbelievable so you're hungover but you managed to do

a massive session today yeah well that's admirable I've done nothing so far like nothing I'm in bed now. Yeah, I can see that. I can see that.

And you're looking like... To be fair, you look... I can hang over. You look kind of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. Like, your hair looks nice. Thanks. Yeah.

I've had these two days after your skin sort of dries out. You get a couple of spots around your nose area. Did you ever have bad spots as a kid or anything? I did, yeah. Really bad spots. Did you? You had, what, not did you ever have bad spots as a kid or anything i did yeah really bad spot did you you had what not acne but just bad spots i just i remember i had one like on

the on the bridge of my nose and it sort of took over my it just took over that that that land space to the point where it was so big and it was so dominating i actually started to i started to try and get myself mentally ready for the fact that might be what my nose looked like from then i mean it was like it was like an old drunk's nose yeah yeah it was honestly mate it was like so massive at this point uh well this is the frightening thing so it first happened when i was 14 but then like but then like every few years after that up until i went i'd say early 20, it would sort of every now and again come back. Wow.

Yeah, it's really horrible. Like a really bad sequel of a movie. Yeah, do you know? Like Jaws 2. Yeah. Mate, as you've said it, I've just remembered, I've actually put, I've packaged that away in some dark recess in my mind,

and talking to you about it now has brought it right back. It was horrifying, because I thought, I remember what, this is really, this is, you know when you sort of get desperate to try and get rid of something yeah yeah um so basically i got like i got like an exfoliant like it's almost like sandpaper thing for your face and basically tried to fucking grate it off and why don't you just squeeze it well i did but it was just still like it just wasn't budging what did pus come out did it did it explode or it didn't explode it's sort of just you know like you know like uh how i imagine it's how you jizz in your 70s just kind of just like a little tiny little fucking a little speck of that yeah yeah like a bit of dust came out like somebody's sort of like casually looking out of a window just to see who's coming

whether it's the delivery driver yeah but then and then i sort of graded it like not graded you know sanded it and it sort of went down a bit but then that part of my nose was a different color to the rest of my face and then i thought oh fuck i've actually permanently changed it mate as i'm saying this to you, it sounds mental. This is what I was going through. This is like in my early 20s. I was like, you know,

when you're fucking so hung up on what you look like. You know, little did I realise that I had a lifelong career of being an ugly c***. But at that time... At that time... I remember my first acting job, and I got one, similar sort of space, but it was just sort of round to sort of like just above the sort of right nostril.

And I'd literally woken up the day I was doing this filming, and it was like genuine, like so big, like a massive whitehead. And then people were like, don't pick it, don't pick it, because it would just make it worse type of thing but the pain of it was searing it was a searing pain right

so I thought I need to do something about this so I squeezed it and that exploded I mean that you know when it just on the mirror

like you know like a cartoon did you film it I wish I had because I actually sit and watch those videos sometimes. Oh my God. They are,

no you don't. I do. I don't, I don't, why the fuck, why are those videos, it's horrible. I find them so interesting.

Oh God, it's horrible, man. Even thinking about it now makes me feel rank. Really? I love it when you see someone with like a massive,

like fucking, like ingrown hair or like a black head. I was scrolling through TikTok. I saw somebody on a dog sort of squeeze a thing out of a dog's back. Oh, really? Honestly, mate, I wish I hadn't said it now.

You can't unsee that shit. It stays with you for a while, that kind of stuff. One of my friends... Oh, yeah, so yeah, I'll finish this story and get on to the next one. So yeah, i squeeze it and then most people take turns with telling stories but you fucking loaded up like a fucking anecdote jukebox over here but then i was like what i don't want to do is it to come back so i squeezed it and squeezed it but then like when i looked at my nose i'd squeezed it so much that my right hand side of my nose just looked so big but then i just had like an ice cube

on it when i turned up to like for ages just held an ice cube to it it's so desperate isn't it oh so pathetic and then the makeup woman's just like looked at it and she went oh my god this is yeah this is yeah um well i don't know what you shouldn't have picked this and i was like yeah okay i know that now and then she was going around she got her boss to come and look at it like the main makeup person and you know and then like in the thing you can sort of see i've had so much fucking powder put on it like it's really dry it's yeah it's horrible yeah well like gross it looks so all right it looks so because it all you know what it is it's like um you know when they put chalk down to find like fossils or whatever and it just like covers the surface of the fossil.

It's sort of everything else that's normal, but then you've just got a real... You can see the sweaty... The sepum's still coming out of it. It's just eating up the dust. It's sort of formed a paste or something. It's so disgusting. All shots must be from Tom Davis's left side of his face,

nothing straight on. Yeah. Talking of ingrown hairs and such, one of my friends had an ingrown hair on the back of his bollocks. Okay, so how did it... First of all, how did he first become aware of that? Well, he was checking his bollocks, as we all should, for testicular cancer, making sure his nuts are okay.

And also probably just scratching and playing with them a bit anyway. Did he say to you, look, Tom, I don't mind you telling this story, but can you do me a favour and tell people that I was checking my nuts

for testicular cancer? I've not run this past him and shout out Ryan. Oh, good. Yeah, let's name him. Let's name him. Let's name him. I haven't run the this past him. And shout out, Ryan. Oh, good. Yeah, let's name him. Let's name him. Let's name him. I haven't run the story past him,

so let me just give you his name. And then he said he felt like a searing pain when he touched his... The back of his ball bag. Yeah, the back of his ball bag. He's like, oh, what the fuck's that? So he gets a bit worried, obviously. And then at the time

we didn't have a girlfriend so I had to get one of our other mates to check and see what it was because otherwise that would have been a treat for the message I know I know if that happened

to you or I it's just Kat and Lisa Lisa Lisa have you finished your breakfast I don't know before you tuck in

come and check this out can you have a look at the back of my ball bag, please? I think it's grown a nose. I've tried sanding it down, but nothing's working. So, it's have a mate. And I always shout out

that the guy looked what a legend of a person do you know what I mean? And I won't name him, just in case he gets embarrassed. But he saw it. You don't mind naming the guy with the ingrained hair? No, no, but he tells his story all the time anyway. Not on podcasts, I imagine. He's never been on a podcast.

Is it Joe Rogan? Ryan Rogan. So he checked it and he said look uh mate this like this and apparently

it was like you know like sort of massive it was you know because where it had grown

and grown and the hair had sort of grown the hair grows right and makes it sort of like

lump bigger and bigger yeah um he said I need to sort of go down

the hospital to go to doctors and sort of see what they can do yeah um and yeah so basically uh um mother i was nearly named him then came to the pub and told us all what happened um and then sort of uh ryan basically had to go to doctors and the doctors then they had to he had to like surgery to get it out um because it was so embedded and so long oh so what oh god i was about to ask such a so what position do you have to be then for that surgery on all fours or something

get ready for doggy style yeah yeah i think you have to be on all fours yeah yeah when he when he acts it out when he's had a few drinks he always does it like he's on all fours, yeah. When he acts it out when he's had a few drinks, he always does it like he's on all fours. Right, okay. Yeah, but he said the pain was unbelievable. So this has become a bit for Ryan then? Yeah, when he's had a few beers and stuff, he tells people, yeah. I mean, he's got a lot of kids and stuff now, so, yeah. Although I haven't actually heard the story from him for a while,

but, you know. Once you have kids, you sort of think, you had kids and you think I'm a father now maybe I'm too old to be telling this story about that ingrained hair on the back of my ball bag

maybe maybe the times of me clambering off onto the dining table and getting on all fours are behind me that's what I said to the doctor

in all fairness I've carried the torch now I've made sure I have to bring it up in sort of conversations but yeah and then they got it out he said it but yeah and then I showed him in all fairness I've carried the torch now I've made sure I have to bring it up in in sort of conversations but yeah and then they got it out

he said it but yeah and then they showed him the hair after why because he wanted to see it yeah but he said

he wanted to see the hair yeah but I said that would have been a good one to film like for like no for yeah because I love watching

those channels and stuff like sometimes like when we've been at family parties, me and my cousins will all sit around and watch them. My Catherine finds them disgusting. What a horrible insight into your family. Just you and your fucking cousins all gathered around a laptop watching videos of fucking spot spin.

Anyway. You know, worse than acne, I think, is bacne. I don't think I've had bacne, actually. No, I've had a couple of spots on my back on most people, you know. But, yeah, bacne is, yeah. Shout out to anyone who's ever suffered from bacne. My thoughts and my condolences are with you. And Dolan's.

You know what I mean. Yeah, that's what you say if you feel sorry for someone, right? Commiserations, though. My sympathies. Condolences are when somebody's died. I use condolences if, like, just so you know,

whenever you say I use it for, that gives it no extra gravity. Just so you know. When you go to me, yeah, but that's what I use it for, that gives it no extra gravity. Just so you know. When you go to me, yeah, but that's what I use it for. I don't give a shit. Yeah, but have you never used condolences for? I've done it in a jokey way.

Like, you know, if somebody's team gets relegated or has a complete, you know, my condolences. Yeah, I do that, but seriously. Yeah. And what you're doing is you're seriously using that word incorrectly in fact in fact you know what i'm going to look this up should we look this up i yeah look it up because i i beg to differ

on this one you beg to differ on this one do you yeah okay meaning of here we go an expression this is the definition an expression of sympathy especially on the occasion of the death of the person's relative or close friend especially but not specifically not specifically no but so you

you admit you're wrong okay listen let me just explain something if you want to keep saying condolences when somebody's dropped a donut or whatever that's fucking up to you I don't give a shit okay your hungover rum's my favourite rum you've got like a candle wick of patience oh i love you mate okay time for some emails

this is uh from mort mort mort yeah i've never you know what? Shout out Mort, because I didn't know it was a real name. I knew it was a family guy, but. Yeah, and it's also one of the Terry Pratchett books is called Mort, isn't it? Yeah, I mean. Why are you doing that? Why are you getting all dismissive? It's just, no. What's wrong with you?

Why? No, I did that. No, no, no, no. Why? I say one of the Terry Pratchett books, and you respond to that like I've just got my dick out in public. No, no, no. I say one of the Terry Pratchett books and you respond to that like I've just got my dick out in public. No, it's just... This is why you try to sound so cool

when you said it. You try to sound so cool. You were like, yeah, also it's one of the words. Yeah, also it's one of the names of one of Terry Pratchett's books. It's so... But you ran your hand through your hair as you said it. Oh, shut up, shut up.

Don't embellish it like you did the fucking ball bag story, mate. Okay. Are you a big Terry Pratchett fan? No, not massive. But I remember being a kid and I read more... The only reason I'm... Not the only reason, but one of the reasons I remember more

is because that's one of the three of them that I read when I was a kid. Actually, by the way, somebody caddy from me went to your... You taught at school. A kid called Bradley. He actually spoke very highly of you because you were quite funny in class.

I bet you were really funny. Actually, it was very nice about you, but I did say that if my, you know, I'd be seething if like the first description that someone had of my kid's math teacher was that they were hilarious. And also, I will say this, Bradley really struggled with keeping up

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Conditions apply. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Conditions apply. be asking my doctor if rebelses is right for me rebelses ask your doctor or visit rebelses.ca order up for rebelses but any indictment me and jamie needed about yeah your math teaching was the fact that this guy couldn't uh add six and eight together which is 14 nice good good the the the the mental arithmetic there is very impressive. Okay. Hi, Rom and Tom. Brackets love the podcast. For context, I recently moved houses after 15 years of living in Crawley

and finally getting comfortable with the place. My parents very suddenly decided to move to Croydon without any prior notice. I had been attending Hazelwick. That's a school I taught at. I was really enjoying the company of people there and was genuinely upset when I left. I'm currently in a school. this more is at school um i'm currently more maybe our youngest ever emailer yeah yes mort my guy i'm currently i'm currently

in a school that i've joined halfway through during covid one year before my gcc's and i'd rather be back in my hometown do the wolf and i'll have any tips on making new friends and stepping out your comfort zone because i would this is lovely i would kill to have a friendship like you guys much love mort p.s paddington 2 one of my top three movies of all time doesn't mention doesn't mention anything about the german production of age of cannibals but um okay i'm assuming it's in the top 10 or something i think that one of the first things that we could potentially do as one of our youngest writers,

and as you all know, our listeners are our family, you're our kin, you could potentially move in Romesh's house in Crawley. Yeah, but now he's moved out of Crawley. Yeah, yeah, but he could move in with you

and go back to his old school. So what? You say, I'm adopting him. He could go and live with you, though. No, you haven't got to adopt him. He just lives with you and go back to his old school. So what? You say, I'm adopting him. He could go and live with you though. No, you haven't got to adopt him. He just lives with you five days a week.

You, Lisa and the boys. And then he travels back. You drop him in Croydon on a Friday night and pick him up on Monday morning. Like a divorcee?

Yeah. Like, he's your oldest kid. It'd be good for the boys. It'd be good for the boys it'd be good for like the three you know because on the basis that

they've got an older kid who's sort of a little bit more wily and he'll know older kids within the school that they might go to right

yeah okay so there's that offer there let's look into the legalities of that more if you're up for that get in touch yeah no obviously you'll have to

speak to his parents as well yeah yeah well you check with your parents more and then come back to me. Email in again. Have you got a spare room? No.

But Mort can bunk up with Lisa and I'll sleep downstairs. Cut to Mort sitting with his parents going please now Mort let me tell you something I had exactly the same thing happen to me I changed schools midway through my GCSEs because my family

had my dad had basically everything went tits up for my dad and so I ended up having to move schools and um it's hard it is hard i don't know how long you've been at this school for more but what i'm going to tell you is you will make friends quickly you know because at that age uh friendships get made quickly i know it's difficult because my oldest son is going through something very similar because he's gone to a secondary school started this year and he's decided to go to a he's going to a secondary school where none of the kids he went to primary school with are at so he's having that same situation where he's trying to make friends and stuff it'll happen i know it feels weird because you're out of your

comfort zone and all of these things are very unfamiliar and And there's a comfort in knowing things backwards. There's a comfort in seeing familiar faces. Of course there is. You will start to feel like that about this new place very, very quickly. So, you know, I can't make it fit. We can't make it. I can't give you any advice to make it feel better immediately. But I can promise you that it will start to feel better.

So, you know. I would say this, Mort. This will, in your life development and your skills going forward, this will be an amazing thing because it will give you, you know, you've had to step out of your comfort zone at a young age. And I'd say that one of Romesh's main skills is he's very affable in a lot of, you know, in any situation I've ever seen him in. He's very, although he may not sort of agree,

but he's very comfortable. He's great with people. And some of that will be down to the fact that at a young age, he's had to go and do that. I mean, you know, if I'm honest with you, I stayed at the same school for my whole secondary school and constantly had to find new friends because I was annoying the old ones.

I started off being friends with kids who are four years older than me. Just working your way through the year group. Well, that's another group done. I was like in the

final year of school hanging around with a load of year sixes. But the truth of the matter is it's, I guess it's again, it's that thing of just, you know, if you've got any hobbies

you do or bits you do sports you play that's always a great way of getting getting in with people and if it's not sports it's you know it's picking the right group but also you can be a bit fussy and also make you know make yourself epically cool you know make make people come to you that's what i'd say that's the other one yeah make yourself like the most exclusive bar in las vegas that everyone wants to come to that's what you should do everyone That's the other one. Yeah. Make yourself like the most exclusive bar in Las Vegas that everyone wants to come to. That's what you should do. Everyone should do. That's a little bit of advice for everyone.

Quite a complicated instruction. But if you can follow that advice to become like the most exclusive bar in Las Vegas, then give that a go. Keep in touch, Mort. Let us know how it's going, man. And also, obviously, the offer's there to live with Romesh for a little bit.

I mean, it's not even long, because he's only doing his GCSEs. Obviously, it'll be longer if he stayed at sixth form. Yeah. I think maybe, you know,

do GCSEs and then go to a college in Croydon, I think, would help me out. next email is from tom thomas actually but thomas uh dear wolf owl and sw Swan, love the podcast, etc. It's just some very nice things. Based on Tom's reaction to most people who email in, I get the sense he's a very positive glass half full kind of guy and sees the best in people. My question is, have either of you had a good first impression of someone

only to realise they're a total bellend? Or the other way round, where someone has redeemed themselves from a bad first impression? For context, when I first met my soon-to-be wife, she thought I was gay, and when I met my best man at uni, I thought he was going to be a clingy nerd. Keep doing you.

Thomas. Thomas, great question. I'm seeing more top five questions of all time on this podcast. Shout out to you. Fucking hell. And you know what? First impressions, everyone says this whole squalor and squander

about um uh first impressions meaning everything i think the fact is some of the most i think some of my favorite friendships and favorite uh life souls uh people that maybe yeah i didn't um i didn't i didn't sort of click with first of all and and we've had to sort of take that time to develop a relationship. There's been people that I've been infatuated with or thought, oh my God, this person's going to be a friend for life. This person's incredible.

And then sort of slowly and surely, they've proved me wrong and they've turned out to be a massive bellender, a massive tool. And that's just, that is just life. I think the truth of the matter is people are complex and people are, know i think we're you know going back to uh young mort's email i think we're we even as the older we get whatever i think the first

this whole sort of like yeah what's what's your first impression of someone i think it's that impression is never the accurate impression of what the person is it's an impression of what you want them to be i think that's that's the thing with with life that i'd say so you can build up a quite spectacular sort of way of imagining what your friendship's like or what you know if they're going to be but so even sometimes before you've met them you have a you you've you've built up a scenario in your head and actually the truth of the matter is people are always going to fall short or they're going to fall long of that. And the truth of the matter is everything's built upon

every friendship. Like, you know, my friendship with Romesh is genuinely one of my favourite friendships of my life. But, you know, we met on the circuit and we were pals

and I used to love when I used to gig with him. And then when we went to do a job together in Manchester, we were sort of thrown together on a basis that everyone else thought we were a couple of fucking idiots

and losers. But it's really solidified our relationship. And everyone else on that job, this is going back quite a few years, had quite a big profile. So you sort of like going into it, and I knew Rom and Rom and me were at a similar level of our careers,

but we were sort of certainly at the bottom rung of that whole thing. And everyone else had a bigger profile. So in my head, I'd already gone, oh my God my god this person this person we're really excited to meet them and all of those people without being harsh all of them fell short of what i thought they'd be whereas romesh there like was just an absolute rock and an absolute legend and was just a joy to be around so you know not to say that everyone there i've subsequently worked with them or seen them again and get on with them but it's you know it's life that everyone there i've subsequently worked with them or seen them again and get on with them but it's you know it's life it's just just i think and sometimes you know

one of my favorite things is uh in my blossom in friendship with thierry on ring so don't don't don't do this i'm just saying that i thought i never thought we'd be friends but you know obviously we texted just just to give this some context, which Tom obviously knew that I would do. He's just thrown that out there. Tom, Thierry Henry came on to Tom's show, Redknapp's Big Night Out. And since then, Tom Davis and Thierry Henry have become besties.

Well, not besties. We text. We text a bit. And he's just, you what but but my i was like this guy's so epically cool and yeah and i'm i'm not it was like yeah but it's a friendship built on me thinking he's amazing and him thinking that you know oh this guy seems like he'd do most things for me do you um do you reply to his text straight away? No, not always. No, I'm the same as with anyone.

Genuinely, the story is he was talking about everyone on the show and he was saying amazing things about everyone. And then he got to me and went, Tom, you're just a very normal man, a very average guy, just a very normal person who was just here with life. And I was like, oh, thank you. Sorry, was he doing an impression of Ivan Drago? He's an incredible impressionist.

Did he then finish off by going, you will lose? If he does, he does. My voice is so deep, it's really hard to get that. Sure, sure, sure. That Gaelic twang. And then I sort of, and then he said to me that, yeah, it was just because you, he said, you're the same as everyone.

And I said, well, I like about you. You don't treat me any differently from anybody else. And that was, yeah. And that was the beginning of, yeah. So. Yeah. I mean, let's be honest. He's wrong about that.

You don't treat him differently to anyone else. Because if you did treat him the same as everyone else, you'd be telling me about anybody else you've started texting on this fucking podcast. Maybe let him know that you've decided to do an announcement. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, congratulations on fucking becoming mates with one of my favourite ever players of all time, you prick.

Anyway, in answer to your question, Thomas, see, one of the things is people think that I'm the horrible one of us two because whenever somebody emails in, you always go, you're an amazing person, we should meet up, let's come round to my house or whatever, and I don't do that. And one of the reasons I don't do that is because I value sort of the safety and wellbeing of my family. But the other thing, one of the other things is,

I don't have a negative impression of people, but I do think it's easy to get carried away and think that somebody's going to be, you know, like, I don't know, I'm about to sound like I'm going to say, are people disappoint you or whatever. But I just think when you meet somebody and you really get on, it's very easy to think,

oh, this person's going to be a really good mate or whatever. And you put too much pressure on that and you expect too much of people. I just think it's better to be a bit measured about these things, you know? And the truth is, it's like, you know, when Tom talks about when we met on that job

in Manchester or whatever, it wasn't like, you know, you sort of think, oh, we really did get on, and it feels like we could be mates. I don't know. I think you just sort of, you've got to take things as they come. I don't think you should put too much pressure

on that sort of thing. And actually, there's been times when I've said, you know, in terms of friends, I'm no longer in the market. Really? Yeah. Wow, what is it? just a closed shop now pretty much how long how long has that been since you i mean i'm always open for more friends

i mean i find it hard to keep on top of the ones that you surprise me no but i you know i i always think right we've got to think of our lives as that we are in an ocean, right? And, you know, say that you are a dolphin, right? And you're a pride of dolphins. And you're all swimming around with the dolphins. And one day you nudge up and you meet a whale and you get on really, really well with them. And you're like, oh, fucking hell, actually whales are cool. And then before you know it, you're a dolphin and you've got a cut of meat.

If you're ever in the southern hemisphere that you hang around with whales, do you know what I mean? And then one day you meet a shark and you're like, oh, everyone be careful of sharks. They're horrible. And you meet the shark and the shark's actually all right. Are you just doing the plot of Finding Nemo? What I'm saying, yeah, is don't judge a fish before you've seen them. By fish, I mean human.

Also, the other thing is, none of the creatures you named are fish. judge a fish before you've seen them and by fish i'm a human by like yeah yeah but also also the other thing is none of the creatures you named a fish they're all mammals oh no sorry a shark is a fish to be fair okay but what i'm saying right mammals can be friends with fish right because my last one was this one oh yeah that's what that's what you get no my last one is like

you know and then basically you are like this dolphin who's got mates like who are whales and sharks and dolphins one day is like swimming down

Suez Canal what's the canal Suez Canal so what's this story so there's a shark swimming down the Suez Canal Suez Canal yeah like a no a dolphin no because he's just canal so sorry what's this story so there's a shark swimming down the suez canal suez canal yeah like a no dolphin he's no because he's just having a bowl about the ocean yeah and then one

day he uh and then he sort of like puts his head up and there's like a giraffe there he just makes friends in the suez on the on what on the banks of the suez canal there's a giraffe yeah or a camel whatever right and he's just there he makes friends with him right and basically there he's like oh i actually got really well with him and i always thought anyone who was on land was an arsehole because you know obviously like because of seaspiracy and stuff right so so what i'm saying is open your heart and always be ready for new boundaries and new friendships so yeah if you're a dolphin that's watched c-spiracy and therefore thinks everyone else is an arsehole oh god uh anyway listen i was only joking i'm always open to making new friends. I'm just saying, you know...

I think we've just made a new friend in summary. Yeah, we have. But I guess the advice I'm trying to give you, Tom, in summary, is don't put too much pressure on these things. Rom and Tom, I like both of your work. This is funny, actually. Murder Successful is amazing. And the latest few series of The Ranganation

have been great. I even watched, and didn't mind, Judge Romesh. I was not aware about this podcast until... Oh, fuck you. What a sad indictment of the fact. I even watched and didn't actually mind. Well, thank you. I'm so glad that it didn't

make you throw up. I wasn't aware of this podcast until a few weeks ago anyway to listen to that many episodes is quite good for me considering I have a

two and a half year old Isabel and a six month old Finlay I feel like the two bits of content I've been ingesting recently most of your podcast and Moana

seems to be on our TV at least once a day it's had some banging tunes on it but I feel it won't be long until it's ruined by for me by overplaying I like Moana it's great it's a great film it's a some banging tunes in it, but I feel it won't be long until it's ruined for me by overplaying. I like Moana.

It's great. It's a great film. It's a great film. It's a wonderful piece of film. You're welcome. Thanks for the podcast. I have some questions for you fine gentlemen.

So actually, most of the email has given us a bit of background. Questions are right at the bottom here. How much alcohol do you drink on average during the week? I try and not drink Monday to Thursday,

but usually fail although i do have two small kids i don't think i drink loads few beers friday and saturday and some wine sunday but i'm curious to what you guys drink hoping it'll be loads and make me feel better that's the first question uh i'm up and down with booze if i'm gonna do it like i'll go through spades where i indulge a little bit more at At the moment, probably on a Monday, I'll have a few drinks after we did a Redknapp show. I had a couple of beers yesterday. Had a couple of beers yesterday? Yeah, yesterday lunchtime.

And you're out tonight, eh? No, I'm out tomorrow for a few beers. And then I've got a party Saturday. So yeah, we'll have a few beers over this week. But then the week before, I didn't drink anything. Yeah, we'll have a few beers over the, this week, then the week before I didn't drink anything. So it's very much a, I'm a, yeah. I wouldn't say that I really seriously indulge. What's the ones, you know, where you drink a lot at sort of like certain times?

An indulger or binge, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm quite a binge drinker I guess yeah basically I will two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast

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Mom's going gonna love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good,

everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Burn the life out of it and then turn around and go actually i'm not going to do this for like three four months and then i can abstain and i'm pretty good with with not drinking so i went out last night as you know uh yeah and i was with a friend of the wolf and our jeff nilcott yeah. And, uh, we had a curry, right? Yeah. And we had two beers as we were eating the curry. And those first two beers went down beautifully.

And then he ordered a third beer and I had eaten quite a lot of curry, but the third beer, it felt, I don't know how to explain it. Do you ever have that thing where you're so full up? Yeah. If you're so uncomfortable, actually even looking at the glass of beer made me feel horrible.

Do you know what I mean? I was just like, I'm a bit, the alcohol's starting to kick in a bit. I'm looking at that pint and thinking, I don't want to finish it. It's sitting there fucking looking at me. I feel rank. And then Jeff said to me, do you fancy, after finishing a beer, do you fancy having a gin and tonic instead? And the words gin and tonic just made me feel immediately better.

It's just something about drinking that quantity of beer with curry. I found it so stressful. And then I drank so many gin and tonics. How many did you have? Seven. Boy. My worst thing is I'm a pipe man. genuinely that is my you don't move off the part see you can just keep going keep going genuinely that's what the piece a real problem

in it that is i don't think it is a problem if i go out on the session i will i'm yeah and then that's why i i carry so much weight because i my mates will hit on going red wine or they'll go on yeah whiskeys or whatever or cocktail my wife will always drink like go on red wine or they'll go on, you know, whiskeys or whatever or cocktail. My wife will always drink like rosé cocktail and I'll just be leathering, I'll go pint for pint with anyone like that

and, and yeah, but that's just, you think about the sheer amount of, you know, a pint is massive and like,

during the day I'll probably have five, six pints of water. You know, in a session I could have like 12, six pints of water. You know, in a session I could have like 12,

13 pints. 13 pints? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what state are you in after that? To be fair,

I'm drunk, but not, I'm not leathered, leathered. Once you, I take the certain drinks you get me on and I'm just

gone. Just absolutely gone. Like what? What's your trigger drink? Red wine, man. I'm just like, oh, red wine is just a really bad one for me. Oh, mate. What's your trigger drink? Red wine, man. I'm just like, oh. Red wine is just a really bad one

for me. When you come around to Shea Ranga for dinner that night. Elvino, I want to see red wine, Tom. You know what you're going to do? You're going to come around for dinner, I'm going to give you some red wine, and then I'm going to get my laptop out, and we're going to fucking record red wine, Tom.

That'd be nice. Nice red wine's good though. You don't get a hangover, do you? Is that? What? What are you talking about? Nice red wine. You don't get as bad.

Wine, the trigger of wine is the nicer you drink, the less bad your hangover is. Complete bollocks. No, it's true. It's the grapes that you use. I'm not saying it has to be

even the most expensive, but you've got to look at the sort of grapes. Because if it's a a really really like sort of bad grape from a bad area it will give you it's like anything it's more of a toxin the toxins aren't the same though or they use more additives to make it taste better is that true really yeah generally it's really true an italian man told me okay okay well there you go's it. That must be true then because Tom's had a chat with Gino De Campo. We all have to take that as gospel. Okay.

He has actually got a second question. Yeah. If you could only use one condiment for the rest of your life, not including salt, pepper, what would you have and why? Ketchup. Without a doubt, ketchup.

Like there's only, there's others that I look at and I go, yeah, mustard is an absolute g brown sauce is absolutely delicious at times barbecue sauce sweet chili these are these are condiments that i admire and i fucking hold dear to my heart but if there can only be one ketchup goes with everything from a roast dinner to a bacon sandwich doesn't go with a roast dinner it does so yeah I'm not saying have it all the time, but

you have ketchup with roast dinner, it doesn't embarrass itself. How would it embarrass itself? Well, I'm just saying.

Well, hold on. Okay. So if you put brown sauce on there, would brown sauce embarrass itself on a roast dinner?

Not on a roast dinner, I don't think brown sauce would, but there's some stuff you wouldn't, you couldn't have brown sauce with spaghetti

and bolognese. No, that's true. But neither would you have ketchup? You could have ketchup on a spaghetti bolognese. No, that's true. But neither would you have ketchup. You could have ketchup on a spaghetti bolognese. You can, but it makes you a fucking lunatic. It wouldn't embarrass itself. You know what I'm saying?

If you couldn't have brown sauce with pizza, it'd embarrass itself. You can't have ketchup with a pizza. Yeah, you can, but it doesn't... I'm not saying do it. I'm just saying if you did, it doesn't embarrass itself. This is weird new criteria you've made up. It doesn't embarrass itself.

And then you're just fucking throwing it out. Oh, it doesn't embarrass... I'm not saying you should. I'm not saying it makes it better. I'm not saying you'd enjoy it. But it doesn't embarrass itself. What the fuck are you talking about? No, I'm just...

Right. Give me three different scenarios and then we'll do different sauces with them three different meals meal one go lasagna ketchup goes all day

you couldn't have brown sauce you couldn't have barbecue you couldn't have mustard with it couldn't have sweet chili sauce doesn't work but ketchup does okay curry

curry yeah ketchup would still work with certain curries tell me the curry tell me the curry that you'd have ketchup with Curry. Curry. Yeah, ketchup would still work with certain curries. Tell me the curry that you'd have ketchup with. I might put it on a bit of masala to give it a little bit more sweetness. If I was... I'll tell you what, I might even dip my onion bhajis or my samosas in it

and ketchup if I didn't have any mango chutney. And ketchup wouldn't embarrass itself. But mustard, you wouldn't have mustard with curry because you've already got the heat. You wouldn't have barbecue sauce. You certainly wouldn't have mayonnaise with the curry. I would argue barbecue sauce and a samosa could be pretty delightful. Yeah, but then barbecue sauce

you couldn't have with macaroni cheese. Okay. Try ketchup. Stir ketchup into macaroni cheese it's life changing okay um and then uh

sushi of course you'd have ketchup I've had ketchup with sushi yeah of course you have yeah I was giving you an easy one to go out on um

I always have like three or four sachets of ketchup like in a little bag that I carry around with me in a little bag no not in my bag

but then I'll carry like i've got like a little like a thing with some ketchup okay because ketchup is famously difficult to get hold of in food establishments over certain places don't do it or they frown if you ask right okay so i i think the same as you except for just insert hot sauce where you've said tomato ketchup. All of those meals you can add hot sauce to and it's great. Yeah, but sometimes, I do agree with you. I'm not even going to pour score on what you've said, but I will say this. You don't always fancy the heat, right?

So you're going to sit there and you look at your fish and chips and you go, I'm going to have hot sauce on my fish and chips. Yeah. You don't really fancy heat. I can't imagine a time when I would not fancy heat. Wow. Yeah, but that's, yeah. I mean, that's you.

This is me. I'm just saying that that's a bit abnormal. It's a bit crazy. Yeah, sure. Would you have hot sauce? Sure, sure. It's a bit crazy, but dipping your samosa in tomato ketchup is fine.

Can I, at this point, give a shout out to Mark the Rib Man for his holy fuck hot sauce. We love it. Yeah, that is incredible, by the way. That is amazing. I don't think this is this podcast, but also give us those hats sent out by those hats are sick. Really nice hats.

Okay, last email. Hit me up. This is anonymous. Dear Romy, Tommy and Lisa. Firstly, just want to say thanks for the heads up on crosstown donuts. I was treated to a dark chocolate number the other day.

That's my nickname at school, uh, which was delicious and miles ahead of the artificial tasting crispy cream shit. Um, I have another neighbor related question for you guys. For context, we have had new neighbors move into our block.

The new people that now live above us always decide to undertake some extreme DIY from around 4pm on weekdays. This is obviously extremely annoying, so we try and have a chilled one in the evenings after work, but instead have to put up with constant banging, crashing and drilling. At times, the noise can go on until 11pm, and as a light sleeper, it's very frustrating, especially as my other half seems to be able to sleep through pretty much anything.

We have not spoken to them yet, however, a couple of weeks ago, my other half went upstairs and knocked on the door to politely ask them to keep the noise down however they did not open the door they definitely heard the knock as they went quiet briefly before starting up again minutes later other than moving house what can we do to regain our sanity within our home i can feel myself getting more and more worked up about it and i think any sort of contact with the neighbor has the potential to come off as quite aggressive due to my naturally sarcastic tone. I mean, yeah, join the club on that one. Great podcast.

Cheers. Anon. Anon. Yo. This is a real dilemma. Me and my wife, actually, we had a dickhead who used to live above us. And if without being coarse um he was often

doing a drilling of a different kind um and would uh what's he doing fracking well i mean yeah i mean if you were if you're fracking the shit out of someone again it could sound like fracking if you if you had just the right dialect um he he would so was it was it quite moaning? Yeah, and it was him moaning. It was always him moaning. Oh, God, really? Yeah.

Like what? Give me an impression of that noise. And sometimes I think he was on his own. So what, do you think he was making that noise while wanking? Yeah, yeah, I think so oh my god really yeah yeah yeah he was a strange strange guy um but also he would also do diy he would constantly walk around with like a little pair of cycling shorts on like he was a strange strange pod um and you know what i thought we said i think i said to him once about making a racket we in the

end it was one of the reasons we moved out of that flat because we just couldn't he was just so Um, and you know what? I thought we said, I think I said to him once about making a racket. We, in the end, it was one of the reasons we moved out of that flat because we just couldn't, he was just so annoying as a human being and sort of very passive aggressive as a person as well. Like, you know, um, so, but I don't think,

you know, we were moving for other reasons. It wasn't just solely down to him. I think the first port of call is, um, I think trying to sort of hold the sarcasm back uh and go and speak to these people be you know hard but fair and and sort of say you know i think even i remember when i brought up with him it was something and he was he was sort of borderline sarcastic i think

he even he for a while he sort of watched his behavior um i think the truth of the matter is though that if they're not answering the door and they're making that kind of racket, you know, you try another couple of times, they don't. I mean, it's sort of, it's whether you, a letter's always the worst thing you can do, isn't it? I suppose it's waiting around for them to come back one day

and then just sort of trying to sort of chat to them as they come through the doors. That could work. Yeah, that could work. I mean, do you ever do the thing where you knock on the, you know, you get the broom and like... No, no, no. That's so aggressive.

Is it? Yeah, that's... I mean, living in a flat, you do that. You just fucking... You know, that is just... Is that the worst thing? Is that what... You might as well take your shit through their letterbox.

Well, you would take the shit first and then take it. You wouldn't actually bend over and try and get it through the letterbox. No, no, no. Oh, yeah, we'd take the shit first and then take it you wouldn't actually bend over and try and get it through the letterbox no no oh yeah we'd take the shit and then probably put in some sort of packaging yeah that's that's bad what i just said is bad um i mean you're very sarcastic you're probably one of the yeah at times me yeah yeah yeah you've got sort of a little tone to your your voice at times right how would you deal with this would you how would can you strip back your sarcasm at times? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say I'm the neighbour and you knock on the door. Okay. Hello, mate.

You all right? Yeah, hey. Oh, God. Oh, I don't think we've actually spoken for. I'm Romesh. Nice to see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen some of your stuff on TV. Oh, I don't think we've actually spoken for him, Ramesh. Nice to see you. Yeah, I've seen some of your stuff on TV.

Oh, cool. I hope you didn't hate it too much. I actually enjoyed Misadventures. And actually, I watched Judge Ramesh, but I quite enjoyed it, actually, more than me and the wife thought we would. Oh, cool. Yeah, Tom's a bit of a character, isn't he? Yeah, he's really funny, isn't he?

So, listen, a bit of a situation um yeah i don't know if you i assume you guys are doing some sort of uh renovations or something it's just i'm just it's why would you say that uh just because um well you know obviously we're we're actually directly below you all right and uh you know it sounds like you're getting you're having a bit of work done or well we're doing the work ourselves we haven't all got the money that you have so yeah well you know i haven't got that much money i'm living below you uh are you trying to be sarcastic no no no no it's a joke okay um but i just i just wondered if there's any possibility of maybe um you know is it like is there any way of finishing earlier

or maybe trying to keep it down if there's a way of soundproofing or something? It's just that... Well, actually, what I'm building is a sound booth. So it will be quieter. So what are you building

the sound booth around? I'm actually a DJ. You're a DJ? Yeah, yeah. I'm Calvin Harris' cousin. Okay. Did you not grow up near each other? No, no, no.

My mum moved to England when she was 14. So, yeah. So how much longer do you anticipate the work taking? Probably another two weeks, maybe a month. A month? Yeah. Is there any way of sort of changing the hours that you're doing it? Because it's a bit of a... Some of us have got proper jobs, mate.

Which is that sometimes you're going on to 11 o'clock and it feels a bit unreasonable in terms of... Well, maybe if I finished at 9.30, would that be okay? Yeah, I think, you know, if you... I mean, that would be amazing if you're able to sort of promise that you finish at half nine. That'd be great. Well, I'll do my best to do it. Give me £100 and I'll do it.

I mean, see, actually, to be fair, you're a lot less sarcastic. You couldn't help yourself. You were sarcastic and you're like fourth thing that way. Yeah. Okay, well, look. A couple of little curveballs I threw in and you managed to not be sarcastic. So, yeah, I mean, that's for Anonymous. That's quite, that's a way of looking at it, mate,

I'd imagine, and just being like quite, you know, trying to sort of. Good luck, Anonymous. Hope that helps you. Be back in touch, my brother. Yeah. This has been the Wolf and Owl bonus episode. Yeah, actually, I want to shout out The Swan

because they were some of my favorite emails. And and you know they were really diverse and really fun so shout out the swan for your sterling work this week thank you swan love you swan and you might even live with a new house guest shout out more rang and athan well i don't i don't think the demand that he changes his name uh thank you so much for listening to The Wolf and Owl. Goodbye. You're our princes, you're our kings, you're our queens and princesses.

Thank you. We must see you soon. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.