Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #15

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

We tackle… gentle dentists and Enya, unwanted guests, personal bests and favourite jackets. Then we answer some listener questions on sharing showers, pub quiz names and dog-sitter predicaments. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last Request to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts Get severed and served Bring your weak shit Wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake

That's an awful howler Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill Never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing Welcome and thank you for joining us

on the Wolf and Owl bonus episode for this week. Do you know what bonus episode number this is? No, I don't. I mean, why are we still calling them bonus? Yeah, I know. Well, actually, I do want to keep calling them bonus because there's going to come times when we're not able to do them.

And I don't want fucking entitled little fuckwits getting in touch. Wowzers, bro. Going, where's the... You're in two feet. You guys have fucking dropped the ball or whatever on this free fucking podcast I'm getting. You fucking rats. No, I'm only joking.

I'm joking. My sweet boy just fucking did up his laces and fucking went in two feet. You've got to show him you're there. No, I'm only joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. Worst sweet boy just fucking did up his laces and fucking went in two feet. You've got to show him you're there. No, I'm only joking. You've got that sort of, you've got a nice look about you today, by the way. Do you think so? Yeah, look at little McQueen jumper.

Nice cap. Glasses look on fleek. Just chilled, lying against the bed there. I've had a traumatic day, bro, yesterday. Really? Yeah. A few things happened. First of all,

I went to the dentist in the morning. How the tooth i just thought look shout out to the gentle dentist who are the ones that look after me all right don't take a sip of your drink to stop yourself giggling about a thing that is a genuine anxiety for me all right no it's just the gentle dentist it just sounds so do they brush your hair while you're it's weird the dentist comes in dressed like

you know the BFG and they like blow bubbles into the room do they wear dentist clothes or yeah they wear dentist what the fuck clothes do you think they wear

it's not like going into Narnia right they're dressed it's like a normal dentist no I just think like do they because they know

that you're scared of dentists you're terrified of dentists do they like try and make it like it's not a normal dentist. No, I just think, because they know that you're scared of dentists, you're terrified of dentists, do they try and make it like it's not a dentist? Like they dress up as a traffic warden or like a clown or something? No, the idea is they're not dealing with delusionary people. It's just people who are just slightly frightened of the dentist.

I'll tell you what they do do. They've got headphones. Oh, really? Yeah, and you can request whatever music you want what did you listen to I had some like jazz I think oh really

I'd have probably gone with Enya sure but I can't listen to Orinoco Flow 27 times on repeat I don't know what other songs she's done but

is that the famous one they do yeah I love that song. Hello, wait. Hello, wait. They apparently have got other good... I've never really listened to them.

They? Isn't it one person? I thought it was a band. No, you're thinking of N-dubs. Enya. Enya is one woman. Enya's a band. Is she sure?

I'm not sure. I mean, listen. I'm not saying that she does all of those noises herself. But... She's one of the... It is a herself. But she's one of the... It is a band, but it's one of the ones where it's only the lead singer that's credited. She's got those people in. Shall we look it up?

How do you feel about that? I don't know. Let me look it up now. I wouldn't even be able to guess what she looked like. What a hell of a game that would be, though, wouldn't it? What's that? Guess who, but you've got to guess what end looks like just one of you

at the pub just with a photo of her what do you think she looks like blonde no I reckon she's got a big face

glasses no singer Irish singer songwriter record producer musician is there a picture of her

Irish yeah I mean again I don't know how many times I have to tell you we're doing a podcast, but I will show you the picture. Can you see that? Oh, right.

That's not at all what I thought. She looks a bit like, for listeners, she looks a bit like the woman from Texas. Charlene Spiteri? Yeah. Anyway, so, they gave me like a polish. They're painful, aren't they, polishes? Yeah.

You know when they sort of get down into the gum line or whatever and really fucking dig it out. Do they stroke you and stuff when you're doing it? No. No. No? Like they stroke your head or your hand? No.

Kiss your forehead when it's done? You're being very unsupportive about my condition. No, I just think the general dentist i think no i know i'm all supportive of you i think it's very sweet and it's a it's yeah it makes you ever more lovable you know yeah thank you um so i had that and then i went to i'm not going to name the place because i don't want to i don't want to slag them off, but I went to get measured up for a suit, right? For a thing.

And the guy, and I, the guy said to me, are you going on holiday? This is genuinely how the conversation went. He went, are you going on holiday soon? And I went,

hopefully, I don't know. And he goes, I hope you, well, I really hope you do go on holiday. I said, all right,

why'd you say that? And he goes, because hopefully it'll help you lose some weight. What? I know. I couldn't, he said said it he didn't say it in an insulting way he sort of said it like in a really chit chatty kind of like you know just very light sort of you know because you go swimming and stuff like that and then hopefully what did you say i went oh right i thought i'll be honest with you mate i did what we all do in those situations, which is sort of be stunned. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't know,

man. It was, it was difficult because like you're coming off the back of me working quite hard and trying to get myself in shape over the last couple of weeks. That's the same thing to say to someone. I had a masseuse who said that to me. Right. And so I then go into a bit of a spiral, not a spiral as an exaggeration

because it was such a mad thing to say it all you think you look all nice you've just had your teeth polished well i didn't well you know you know bro is you don't you don't think you feel you look nice you just sort of think do you know what i feel like i'm getting my shit together a bit i've got you know i did i did a grown-up thing i went to the dentist as soon as my tooth you know i had a problem with my teeth yeah you know i've got like a new like schedule of of like going to the dentist sorted out you know all of that i've been i've been exercising all of that shit and then you turn up and then he says that and you go okay so you so my my on the road to improving myself looks like i've left let go to a rack of ruin, basically, to you. But also, it's like the most vulnerable place you could be for that to happen.

Yeah, but I think, I was thinking about it. You just in your pants at this time. I was like, I was trousers off, top on. So, you know, business upstairs, party downstairs. But when I was thinking about it as I went out, and I think a lot of people, because when Rob and I did the fashion episode, they just talk like that. Do you know what I mean?

It's not even insulting. It's like they're just much more matter of fact about stuff like that. Actually, it's sort of a bit like Asian culture, do you know what I mean? Like Asian people. Like my mum will go, you look really fat on Mock the Week. Do you know what I mean? Like really sort of blasé about it. And then I'll go to... Yeah, but I think that's a generational thing.

Yeah, maybe, maybe. You've definitely put on weight. It's a generational thing, that. So anyway, I wandered out there reeling a little bit. You didn't say anything to them? No. Do you think I should have done?

Well, would you have said something? I'd have made a joke of it, I think. I had a guy yesterday, I was with some friends, and we had a couple of drinks in Soho, and it was all mates that I've known for years, all just sort of gathering, getting together. And one of my mates is one of those people who will always just fucking pick up a stray sort of person that sort of

you know which is you know how groups of friends become bigger right and you did it anyway yeah and we're all quite sort of you know these guys you know bring along someone you're like oh cool you most of the most part you sort of get on with people, but this, he brought a guy into the group who was so like, misjudged the banter straight away. Right. Like, he came into the group so hot and so full on. It was like,

he just misjudged it completely. Do you think that might have been for your benefit? No, I don't, I don't think so. I think it was more, he was doing it with everyone.

Before I even, when I spoke to him, he sort of, he really went in on me and I was like, what the fuck are you? Who are you? Like that sort of thing. And you know,

when you just sort of a bit on the back foot and then one of my other mates, he said, look, man, you're going to have to, you have to go. You can't, you know,

and he sort of tries to buy everyone shots and you're like, we're fine for shots. It's just like, you, you sort of be rude to everyone. Has he tried to, has he tried to fund bob his way into your group it's a big look though

isn't it saying something like that what that guy did in your group I think first of all if it's a really close group of friends

you've got to really be careful about bringing in because you've reached because I would be like if that's a group of friends that you've known from like back in the day right I would feel uncomfortable about joining you for that because I would be like, if that's a group of friends that you've known from like back in the day,

right? I would, I would feel uncomfortable about joining you for that because I sort of think you've got a dynamic there with those people that I'm just not,

do you know what I mean? So that, so if you did, if for some reason I ended up on a night out with that group of people, you fucking play it low key, man.

Do you know what I mean? Like you've got to go, you've got to be almost, you've got to be like a referee, almost unnoticed. Do you know what I mean? Like, and just go you've got to be almost you've got to be like a referee almost unnoticed do you know what I mean like and just sort of slip in and well not and when

like some referees go in big don't they yeah but yeah that is I've got but we've got I've actually got a regular friend of mine who constantly misjudges

Banner like like he regularly brings a rolling joke to a fucking standstill like you know like you'll be having a bit of chat you'll be saying like somebody looks a bit rough or you know what are you dressed like or what's your missus up to and then we just go your mum's a fucking whore and a slut mate she's a fucking takes it up the wrong with a bitch and then just everyone goes quiet

you say he's done he's done it he's done it again he's done it again isn't it funny when someone does the tag on the punchline but sort of repeats what someone else in the conversation has said about five minutes before? It happens on some panel shows. And then they cut your bit out. Yeah, they keep the rip-off in. No, that doesn't happen, guys.

We're only joking. Okay, so. Also're only joking. Okay. So, also, the other thing that's happened to me is I went PT the other day. Yeah, my guy hit a personal best, right? Right. So, that was on squats, right? Now, bearing in mind my personal best at quite a low level, because I haven't really been hitting it that hard.

But still, it was good. I haven't been able to… Take the acclaim where you can, brother. Yeah, I couldn't walk yesterday bro and I'm still sore now yeah squats are hardcore were you doing it in the guy's front garden no

it was he's got a gym in his garage but he has a door open when you're doing it but um yeah so I was in London yesterday

and every time I saw some steps in a tube station I had to fucking steal myself like to go up and then i was like properly hanging onto the covid soaked banisters every time i was going up to up the stairs because i don't think i'll ever get the tube again what you're talking about i hate it because you're a celebrity no

because my level of height and uh i just i never i didn't like it before lockdown i feel very anxious on it now like because of you know i know quite a few people and actually i love walking i love genuinely london is the best city to be to walk around in i love it i'll soon to get to london an hour beforehand and have a little bowl about yeah then jump on the tube you know what and and the thing is you're you know you don't want to go on tubes because you're anxious about a little bit anxious about that and and i've heard that and i've supported it and i've and i've just said to you know what tom i hear you i embrace your problem and we move forward which is a marked difference to the way that you responded to my dentist issue yeah but we took a little sip of that drink that you'll continue to be sponsored by i assume

to stop yourself giggling at my issues no it's just the way you said gentle dentist that's the that's the name of the dentist the gentle dentist so anyway i'm in a lot of pain at the moment that's all i'm saying. I can't. What's going on next to you there? Is that like a little... Here you are. Yeah. So basically, I'm right on the edge of my bed, and this is where Lisa hangs all the coats.

These are all Lisa's coats. She's got, I reckon, rough estimate, 20. Really? Yeah. She's got a problem. I've got quite a few. I like coats. Yeah, I know you do.

I know you love a coat know you love a coat. I love a coat. Well, the problem with a coat is, do you remember the days where you could only afford to get one coat every three years? And you had to really fucking choose carefully because that was what you were going to look like. Do you know what I mean?

Because you wore that coat all that time. I had a short jacket for about a decade. One of the old short jackets you used to pull the I wore them for about a decade yeah I mean you'd just be constantly going maybe people think maybe it's kind of cool

that I'm wearing it now that nobody else is wearing it anymore I'm reminded of three cigarette burns innit you used to know when people used to

smoke inside people used to do a thing didn't they when they used to sort of like stub a cigarette out on someone's jacket mate it happened to me like one of my i had a moschino body warmer thing gilet

thing like and uh i came home one of my one of my mates had done it thinking they were funny just put a cigarette in the back of it and then i was so upset i went to like took it to a dry clean as i said they did did mending or whatever. And so they kind of pinched it where the cigarette burn was and stitched it together. So it just went up at the back like a bow tail to it. It looked absolutely horrendous. But I still wore it because I spent so much fucking money on it.

Anyway. You know, the worst thing someone did to me like that was I had a sort of puffer jacket with a hood on it. And someone poured know, the worst thing someone did to me like that was I had a, like, a sort of puffer jacket with a hood on it and someone poured an ashtray into the hood. Oh my God. And as I sort of

left the pub, I was like, see you later and this guy went, oh mate, it's raining, I'll get your hood up and I went like that

and put my, I had hair at the time so I put my hood up, the whole ashtray just was in my hair and like, whole pub laughed like everyone was in on it.

The whole pub laugh? Yeah, quite, yeah. I think that might, I think that might be, that might be how you remember it,

bro. I don't think, what, the word had got round? No, I remember it being the whole pub, it might have been like

sort of 70% of the pub. Like, it was probably a couple of tables, or whatever else laughing at, and then they looked up and saw. How did you react to that?

I laughed. You laughed? I laughed it off because the guy was like quite a sort of nasty piece of work. So you laughed it off and then left feeling angry about it?

No, I just felt terribly upset. I felt really like ridiculed. I had like cigarette ash in my hair. No, I get how the,

I get what would have happened. You don't need a forensic expert to. The time I showed up, I got home and my parents were like, get down to your apartment. I was like, what?

I've had a good time. And I just ran upstairs and just sort of like, went to bed. I remember buying a French Connection puffer jacket once. Right.

Feeling like, you know, it was like the most expensive garment I'd bought at that time. Do you remember when French Connection was the absolute shit? Oh, mate, that was massive. And I was going out with a girl

and she picked me up because I didn't have a driving license yet. And I said, I've forgotten something. I can't remember what it was. And I knocked on the door to let me in. Mum let me in. And as I ran past the door in a rush to grab this thing,

my sleeve sliced on the the lock and just feathers fucking shot out everywhere i remember sort of really wanting to impress that girl wearing this jacket i've just destroyed it running into the house she's i've already fucked up by asking her to wait outside because i've forgotten something probably my wallet. Right? And then I've run inside. Pissed feathers everywhere. I've got to deal with the emotional impact of that. I remember sort of

snapping at my mum. I think I blamed my mum. This typical fucking teenage male thing to do. I just went, what'd you do that for? She goes, what do you mean?

I opened the door. Anyway, it didn't work out with that girl. Sounds like you might have forgot your keys. Do you know what? I think that door. Anyway, it didn't work out with that girl. Sounds like you might have forgot your keys. Do you know what? I think that might have been what it was, Poirot.

Anyway, God, we're very laid back today, aren't we? Do you think we're too laid back to do a podcast? I think this is a very bonus episode, right? Yeah, this is a very bonus episode. This is my second hangover in a week. You're listening to the sultry sounds of the Wolf and Al bonus episode. Have you got shoes and socks on? I've not got shoes on.

No, I've got socks on. Why are you asking? What a weird question to ask. Why did you ask that? I'm just wondering whether you've got shoes and socks when you walk around the house. So you think I'm lying on my bed with my shoes on? I don't know.

I don't wear shoes or socks in my house. I've got bare feet on. You've got bare feet? You've got wooden floors? Carpet and wooden floors. Okay, the wooden floors. That's disgusting. I can just imagine

just poor Catherine having to listen to the sound of your sort of pads, your pads hitting the fucking hard surface.

We've got marble floors downstairs. We've got marble downstairs and carpet upstairs. Okay, email time. Yes, let's do it. This is from Philip.

Phil. Yo, Phil. Yo, Phil. Yo, Rom and Tom. I need some of your sweet, sweet advice regarding my housemate best friend who constantly showers with his girlfriend, no matter if I'm home or not. This has been going on for two years now. Whenever she is visiting, quite a lot, they don't seem to be able to shower separately.

I confronted him once and I initially found it strange. And other people I've mentioned do think it's peculiar and disrespectful. Fair enough, I'm out of the house. But while I'm home, he responded, mate, if my hot girlfriend wants to wash me, I'm going to let her. Also, we're saving water. And if we both have a happy ending, we can't help that. I had no comeback.

Neither do they. What are you living with? I don't know. He's living with Stifler. There's some valid points there, apart from the latter. It wasn't a heated debate. We've never fallen out in our 18-year friendship. We're always up front with each other.

I also know for a fact if it's the other way around, he'd be totally cool with it. What are your thoughts? Do you shower with other people every day to save the planet? Am I right in thinking it's weird, especially if I'm in the house? Or am I just being envious because I don't have a hot girlfriend who wants to scrub my hairy back and save the planet with me? Much love and stay clean, you beautiful souls.

Well, you know, it's difficult with these kind of emails because the swan's choosing these, and I'm kind of thinking maybe she fancies a little shower up with the owl. But, Tom, what... Why don't you try and surprise her and get in a shower with her? So the swan and the owl have had a shower together. Yeah. And I've got to be honest with you the idea of showering together

I think is a lot better than the actual reality I mean it is I actually think it's quite horrible it's sort of if you're having a proper shower what do you mean? if it's an actual shower if it's like other stuff

if you're fucking in the air just be't you suddenly think we're on a pg podcast i said what's wrong with you you suddenly got all coy if you're having a sensual sort of uh you know uh intimate uh experience if you're fucking in the shower is that what you're talking about yeah right that that's sweet, sweet way of doing it. You know, you've said, I was trying to be a little bit more romanticizing the situation for young Philip. I think that's overrated as well,

if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, I do. But, you know, so I think if it's just showering, doing that every time you shower is insane. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape Every time you shower is insane. percent apr for 72 months with down payment that's just 267 bi-weekly cash value of 40 294 plus eligible ford owners get a thousand dollar bonus for details visit your local ford store or ford.ca we all have the power to shape the world we're connected to the world we share to each other i am future i wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo,

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I do think it's insane. Is it a problem? I mean, these are two different things, aren't they? Insane is one thing. Is it something that Phil should be annoyed about is another, isn't it? No, I don't think Philip's got any right to be annoyed. I think Phil's probably a bit jealous. You know, I think it would be fair to say. I think his friend's not being very sort of respectful of poor Phil and sweet Phil, because I think sweet Phil's, you know, I think he needs to be a little bit more like put an arm around him

and say, look, maybe I'll stop showering. Or maybe let Phil watch. Yeah, that'd be a great solution. That's a lovely solution. Just sort of, I don't know, Phil, you sit yourself on the toilet there and tuck in, I guess. I mean, I suppose it's, you know, he's brought it up already to the guy. Let's call his flatmate Bernie.

He's already brought it up already to the guy. Let's call his flatmate Bernie. He's already brought it up to Bernie. Yeah. And Bernie sort of said, look, I'm not, you know, I'm not going to change my ways.

I suppose for Phil now, he's kind of, he's got to get out. At some point, it will get boring. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So he's just got to wait

until it gets boring. Is that what you're suggesting? Yeah, I'd say, I think he's got to wait out or ask if he can watch. Because then he can't lose if he goes in and watches, can he? Well, I that what you're suggesting? Yeah, I'd say I think he's got to wait out or ask if he can watch. Because then he can't lose if he goes in and watches, can he? Well, I'll tell you what, Phil.

If you ask if you can watch, I imagine they'll definitely stop. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because what will happen is you'll say, can I watch? He'll say, no, that's weird. And then they'll assume that you're watching somehow anyway.

So I think that's probably really good advice. I think that's the best bit of advice we've ever given. That's really good advice. So Phil, let us know how that goes, mate. Good luck. Definitely. But in seriousness, although I do think they would stop if you said that,

in all seriousness, if he would be cool with it if you were doing it and they're not doing it in front of you, I sort of think you maybe have to live with it. Do i don't i don't really think it's a massive deal personally um but good luck um okay this is from hannah still hi lisa wow oh no this is like a little this is a little separate bit for her thanks for looking through the massive emails for wolf and al this week each week i imagine that's no mean feat and then she goes on to say hi rummish and tom you're both the best i'm genuinely so happy you both start this podcast i hope you know that so many people enjoy and

appreciate it oh okay it's very nice uh i wanted to ask your opinion on pub quiz names i'm properly on the fence about them now that restrictions are lifting my boyfriend sam and i looking forward to going to our local and joining in their pub quiz i feel like there's a type of people who love a witty team name and derive great joy from having what they think is the funniest name in the pub i can't help thinking that 99 of them pretty hacky but then i'd feel slightly dull and embarrassed with just hannah and sam i'd be really interested to hear your opinions what do you think of pub quiz team names do you have any good ideas that aren't too try hard but also not properly boring hannah still now wow hannah still let me just say yeah go on i think you're amazing why that's a great question why it's outside the box if there's a box hannah still

sits outside it a really good question what have you but just so you know guys thomas thomas i don't know why you've done this he sort of sat back he sat back so much that I can tell that his legs are bare he's got the he's got he's got the mic

in his lap I don't know what the fuck has happened what's going on it's more chill sometimes when you get a nice chill like

sort of like something I can mull over a little bit I like to just kick back this is a much more you know some of the some of the episodes of this we do we're sort of like on it and like firing this feels like a more of a kind of it's not worse it's not better i'll just say it's a very different it's very different vibe i think because i'm i'm genuinely the most hungover i think i've been in the last 25 years and i feel sort of exhausted from not sleeping because your toothache and your legs hurt yeah basically so it's i think this is the one where we just go

look this is a very chilled vibe can i just say also say i i feel like you're kind of feeling yourself a bit today did you did you have did you have a good evening last night where the anecdotes are flying and you were sort of hitting home runs or something? No, no, no, no, no. More than anything, when I'm hungover, I just feel really... You just look very pleased with yourself. Because I'm chatting to you, I'm always very happy. If I'm honest with you, I'm not pleased with myself. I bathed pretty seriously when I got home, which is embarrassing.

How much did you drink? How much did you drink? Quite a lot, but even now, I sort of talk about it, I feel sick even talking about it, you know, when you drink? How much did you drink? Quite a lot, but even now, I sort of talk about, I feel sick even talking about it, you know, when you've drunk that much. Yeah. I always get really sick

when the weather changes as well, when the climate changes. Sure. Are you drinking again this week? No. That'll be it. I'm going out on Saturday and,

well, I've got a bit of a situation actually. I'm going out on Saturday with a load of mates, my mates that I grew up with. And then on Sunday, I've got a bit of a situation, actually. I'm going out on Saturday with a load of mates, my mates that I grew up with. And then on Sunday, I've got an early start because we're going to a farm park with the kids. It's not a great weekend combo.

I've got that thing at the moment where I'm just, at the moment, I'm thinking, I think there's a good chance I'll throw up as soon as I finish this podcast. Anyway, back to Sweet Hannah. Listen, Hannah, I'm with you, Hannah. I think I'm not into the hacky team name things. It's like when you play fantasy football

and people come up with, you know, wacky names. I won't name any of the people. I play two or three fantasy leagues and my team is just always called like, you know, I can't remember what my team's called. I literally don't do much thinking about it. It's big dogs that's what i'm called okay all right so i don't i don't really think too much about that where some people have gone to a lot of thought and i think quiz names you've got to be amazing at quizzes if you if you're going to give a massive

big name though yeah it's like wearing colored boots to football, isn't it? Yeah. That's a very good analogy actually. Thank you. Very good what? Anology. Anology? Anology is what Maury Lipman said in that BT ad. Do you mean analogy? Yes. Anology? You got anology?

Well, I would say, Tom is absolutely right, and I would actually, Tom is absolutely right. And I would actually say Hannah and Sam will probably be the best pub quiz name. Yeah. To be honest with you. Do you know what as well? I haven't been a pub quiz for so long.

Not just because of the pandemic. I used to love a pub quiz. Did you? I'm insane at pub quizzes. I had a horrible experience at a pub quiz once where i i was i'd started it was like my first job out of uni and i was working with these three other guys and they're like i'm still in touch with them they're like great guys but we they put us in an office in like a separate room because we were the newest to work on this specific team and it was just us three and in that room we cultivated this sounds really bad this makes us sound really bad actually but

but this is what happened cultivated quite an an unoffendable sense of humor in there right so like we were saying some pretty horrific things and we got to a point where nobody was ever going to get upset by it because that was just how you rolled it was yeah we just got an anything goes kind of vibe in there and then we became we decided to do the pub quiz and we went in as a team and then we just started talking how we did in that like little bubble in the pub quiz thing without realizing and actually i think we ended quite a few like we actually did a lot of damage to our working relationships that night with other people or each other yeah because i because like because people didn't really know

us that well because we were in that separate area and then they suddenly see us out for that night and we're saying the most savage horrendous jokes you can fucking like we must have just looked absolutely awful do you know what I mean and I remember like midway through the night even despite being drunk

and having no self-awareness actually having a little molecule of that to just go this is actually bad how we're behaving tonight you thought that I thought that yeah

I did think that and you know it was to be borne out we were the least popular group in the whole office. What was your team called? Like the Savage Guys or something like that? Yeah, the Nuttas or something like that.

No, I named it after this five-a-side football team. Some mate said Real Madrid. Really? Yeah. Pathetic, isn't it? I can imagine you'd be amazing at pub quizzes, yeah? Like, you'd be set up to, you'd be a big money signing in a pub quiz team.

Do you know what I love about you is you manage to deliver what is quite a big insult in the form of a compliment. That's an offensive compliment. No, because I'm not going to fall for it this time because you do this a lot you sort of say something complimentary and then I'll say something like

what makes you say that and you go yeah because you know you're a sort of bookish nerd that didn't have friends or whatever so had a lot of time to read books and encyclopedias and stuff and amass knowledge because you didn't have any social things going on no I didn't mean it.

I mean, look, that's a really horrible way. I mean, you've still got... Look, what I'm saying is I would be proud to take... If I had a pub quiz team, it's one social situation where I know I could take you to

and I'd feel very proud of you. Do you know what? Actually, just off the back of what you just said there, Hannah and Sam, we would love you... We're giving you permission to do this we would love your pub quiz team name to be the wolf for now how about that that's a good call

that's a very good call go for it we are go for it speaking of wolf for now do you know that tony hawk has got a podcast now have you have you had messages about this no He's doing a podcast with some other guy. Do you know what it's called? What? The Hawk and Wolf. What? Mate. And it's just them chatting shit, taking messages and emails from...

Is it really? No, I don't know. I don't know what it is. But it's... It's called Hawk versus Wolf. I mean, yeah, it's a bit different. But we could have called this

our versus the wolf well we might as well have done the amount of fucking digs you haven't i'm not having any things i've said literally one of the sweetest things about you because one of the sweetest things about me is that i'd be so sorry one of the sweetest things about me would be that i'd be good in a pub quiz team that's one of the sweetest things about me. No, but your nickname could be like Quizzy. You have a football shirt with Quizzy on the back. He's such a dick. Right, okay.

Good luck with that, Hannah. Good luck, Hannah. The wolf and And now to next email. This is from Liam. Uh, Liam. Oh, this is,

Oh, Tom, I forgot to say this man. So I went to cinema last night oh yeah boy two separate people came up to me to mention the podcast and I'm not saying that in a drunk the Kool-Aid way the reason I mention it is

they specifically mention your toilet story your papery story and this email opens with that I sort of had to stand there and listen to these people going you know what the fucking funniest thing ever on that podcast or what the tom's potpourri story just incredible storytelling just great and i go is there anything i didn't say that in my head i'm thinking i wonder if they're going to sort of

at least throw me a fucking bone and mention something on the podcast that I do that they found amusing, but they don't bother. Anyway. Yeah, but you'd be the guy, if out of the turrets, I'm sure, if they're having a pub quiz team,

they'd invite you. Very well played. I can't even get angry at that because you put such a beautiful little ribbon on that you deserve that enjoy it i want you to uh i want you to use that little thing that you just did there that you're so proud of and try and use that for a bit of solace when you're throwing up after the podcast um so hi wolf allen swan can I start by saying your pod has me cracking up for hours in my van driving from job to job

my personal favourite story being Tom and his and the potpourri don't worry Rom love your stuff too there we go since you've both been giving such great advice on a wide range of topics I was hoping you could help with my predicament I live in a small close with my girlfriend and two kids,

age six and three, and our golden retriever, Henry. It's an interesting decision to not name the kids, but name the dog, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Maybe the dog's cool with it. I like the fact that he... Or his girlfriend.

Yeah. Well, yeah, maybe the dog's the most... Maybe the dog also listens to the podcast. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a workman in a van with a dog on the front seat. Nothing makes you happy? Well, yeah, I mean, it's something that always brings me a smile to my face. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen it.

I'll tell you what I did see the other day, though. Go on. When we were on a... Where was it? I was at a services, and a guy pulled up in a van asking me if I wanted

to buy a TV. Oh yeah, that happens quite a lot. No, but I thought that was like a 90s thing. No, no,

no, I think people are still doing it. I think, services are a big call, aren't they? Who the fuck is still falling for that? Is that when they give you a box

and it's just got bricks in it? yeah. One of them. I mean, mate, to be fair, he must have, did he know who you were um i don't think so no um i'll tell you what though i'm not getting fucking mugged off like that mate for listen i've bought four boxes of bricks you ain't gonna get me again

all right i don't operate like that what services were you at? Cobham. Oh, nice ones. I get it's quite close to your house though. What were you getting at? What are you, that's a really weird place to stop. I've got children, Tom, alright?

I'd understand if it was Pease Pottage, you can have a go at me. Cobham is a good, like, 35, 40 minutes from my house. Oh, I guess.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I do get annoyed when the kids demand to stop at Cobham. Well, did you get food there or just a to stop at Cobham well did you get food there or just a wee stop

yeah what did you get so because there's not much choice for vegans there is Matt they've got a Leon there bro oh nice really

and I'm going to tell you something if there's any vegans listening the Carolina BBQ vegan burger at Leon is sublime before lockdown I was in quite a serious running

battle with Leon. Okay, why? I had an awful experience there. And then I tweeted, DM'd them on Twitter complaining. So first of all, what was the experience you had and what did you send them? What messages did you send? I got one of their breakfast baps. It was freezing cold.

It had been out for like four days. It was so cold. Okay, right. It was freezing cold. It was like, it had been out for like four days. It was so cold. Okay. Right. Uh, it was scandalous, but then I'd walk to the office and they hadn't put in, um, the potato things that go with it. So I walked to my office,

which is like 15 minutes, 20 minutes away of walking. And so, and I have, you've walked, you've walked for 20 minutes. Yeah. With it in a bag and then complain,

complain about the temperature once you've got to your office. It's not... You know where... Yeah, that makes sense. You know where Leon is at Shepherd's Bush and you know where my office is, right? Yeah. That's not 20 minutes, is it?

It's what, 10 minutes? I don't know why you're disputing this to me. You're the one that came up with the initial figure. Right. You can't really have a fucking argument with yourself. Well, maybe it was 10 minutes. Okay. I then sat down,

and I was like, this is inedible. But then I also had a meeting, so I couldn't walk back and exchange it. Right. So I sent a deal, I'm saying, look, you know,

it's scandalous that you're just handing out cold food. Did you use the word scandalous? Yeah. Okay. So first of all, I'm going to tell you now, if I was working at Leon, and I saw somebody open the message and say, this is scandalous,

first thing I think is, this guy's a fucking lunatic, right? Let me see if I can find the messages because I was genuinely really upset. I can imagine you were. You're not good with it. You know, like you do need feeding, as we all do. I mean, what an insane thing to say. But what I mean is, you do get...

Hang on a minute. Go on, what? Fucking hell, this is so pathetic. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m.

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis.

This episode is brought to you by Secret. Order up for Rebelsis. skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Go on. I'm so embarrassed. I think it is scandalous. I eat at your Shepherd's Bush store all the time. The standard of your breakfast. Do you know what?

First of all, hold on, let's break this down. I use your Shepherd's Bush store all the time. So first of all, what that is, you're trying to suggest that you're a level of customer where if you move somewhere else, it's going to have a serious damage, serious impact on their business. The quality of your breakfast is massively nosedived, right?

And then I've signed off with two kisses. What the fuck are you talking about? Why? I don't know why I've done two kisses at the end of it, and they say, so they say, that's not good. We're so sorry, Tom.

Can you let us know what you normally order so we can pass on a message to the team? We'd love to let you know that we could do better. What's your breast-dressed dress? The next couple of breakfasts are on us. Kiss. Okay, so,

yeah, so they've done a kiss to make you feel like less of a fucking loser. Genuinely. They've offered it. You've known me a long time. I feel so embarrassed even reading these now. Thank you. Thank you so

much. I always order a porridge. Thank you. Thank you so much. I always order a porridge with blueberries and a full breakfast pot with an extra egg. My address is... Again, thank you.

Extra kiss. Oh, my God. And then what happens? Then I complain about this. Massively let down by your customer service. You asked my details on my chest and you said me nothing. I've been regularly eating at your restaurant

two to three times a day. I should be contacting trading standards with photographs of my breakfast. No, you did not say that. You did not say that. Sad that just this disregard

for customers means you couldn't be remotely bothered to get back to me and discuss this. No kisses. Fucking hell, Tom Tom you're a fucking public figure bro

I sent a picture of my public oh my god oh my god what did they reply I said look at this it's uncooked and watery

it's another level of gross and they said we agree Tom it's uncooked and watery it's another level of gross and they said we agreed on it looks horrible um could you not could you let us know where we get it from also that's most usable vouchers oh my god breakfast are on us double kiss and then what did you reply to that nothing have you had the vouchers no i think that was sent during uh lockdown so what to the office yeah so they'll be there now. What, to the office?

Yeah, so they'll be there now. So when you say running battle, what you mean is you fucking whinged and they've sent you vouchers. Does it feel like a running battle? Well, yeah. I mean, actually, to be fair, I remembered it differently.

I've gone back through those texts. That's a big shout. Because the story you told was sad. But then when you actually read the messages... It's so pathetic. I'm going to contact trading staff. That's some porridge and a fucking

cold bun. That shows how fucking angry you get when you're hungry that you would that you would think that is a reasonable thing to message and not only that it's like like you're fucking

Tom Davis off the telly you mad prick what must they think of you I don't think of myself as that guy. I just think about myself as a normal person who's just ordered a nice breakfast. Yeah, sure, sure. But that's fine.

But even if you did that as a normal person, I tell you it's fucking stupid. What I'm saying to you now is now that you're a story, do you know where else those messages have been seen? At Leon Head Office. By a bunch of people having a right fucking laugh have you watched King Gary right so you know the guy

you know Gary have a look at this and then he sent us a picture of the porridge are we going to send him any vouchers nah wait till he gets back in touch Leon if you're listening to this, we would love some vouchers. Yeah, shout out, Leon, actually. And do you know, the only reason I got so upset is because you guys,

there are some stuff on your vegan chicken wings, things that you do. Mate, Leon, I love Leon. So shout out. It was just a real disappointment. This is how much of a testament to Leon, I love Leon. So shout out. It was just a real disappointment. This is how much of a testament to Leon, right? Beckett, who does not hesitate in telling me when a vegan option is dreadful. I absolutely love saying that.

But it's fair. I've given him vegan stuff from Leon and he's eating it going, this is like, you know, I'm not even making a concession for the fact this is vegan. It's just delicious. Yeah. I mean, that's right.

That's, that's what, that's what is so heartbreaking about when we're not being sponsored by Leon, by the way, before anybody asks us. Okay. Um, back to the dog. Holy shit. Who would have known that would have digressed in such a hilarious way. Um, I work quite long hours and my missus works part-time running her own business. Who would have known that would have digressed in such a hilarious way? I work quite long hours and my missus works part time running our own business.

She's been working more and more and recently, and we were worrying that the dog might be on his own too much. So we decided to reach out to our neighbor next door has recently lost his job and slept with his partner and now lives alone. We knew the guy liked to drink because we would often see him coming back from the shops with carrier bags of booze on a regular basis. However, we either went, we either weren't aware how dependent he was on the drink or his drinking recently has got heavier. The dog has been going around tears a couple of times a week. Sorry, the reason I laughed is it made it sound like he was going around there for a pint when my missus had been working the odd longer day. All seemed fine until the other day when my missus and I came back from work

and at the same time picked up the dog and thanked our neighbor for having him half an hour later was a knock on the door i opened it to see our neighbor standing in the porch looking confused and a bit worse for wear he had no recollection of us picking up the dog this is quite dark he had no recollection of us picking up the dog and was concerned the dog had got lost until the dog came bounding up to when he saw who was at the door we're a bit concerned as to how safe the dog is with him, as he has also taken him for a walk on the odd occasion. While we appreciate his help and the fact he enjoys Henry's company, we're obviously concerned for both of their well-being.

Should we continue to send the dog around there or look for an alternative option? In which case, how do we break this to our neighbour? I'm amazed that this email is finished like this, because I thought you were going to ask how to support this bloke yeah it's clearly got some sort of issue uh but actually what you're asking for is a lot of stuff right yeah a lot of stuff i mean this actually uh happened to a friend of mine um this exact situation where he was somebody asked him to look after their dog? Yeah, well, no. So basically, we had a friend of ours who we don't really talk to anymore, Jonesy.

And he's sort of... Why do you have to name him? No, because I'm just... So people know... So people know what? So people get... All it does is it achieves... If that person...

He won't listen to this. He won't listen to this. He doesn't like my stuff. He's quite a big fan of yours, but he doesn't... Well, okay. So there is a chance to listen to this he doesn't like my stuff he's quite a big fan of yours but he doesn't yeah well okay so there is a chance to listen to this well yeah i mean that anyway so tell me about jonesy so what did jonesy do he was going through a similar sort of thing he was having a bit of a tough old time um of things uh and uh he my other friend said to him um you know he had a dog and he was like you know, you could have the dog to keep you company a bit

and sort of take it for walks and stuff. He worked at Travis Perkins at the time, Jonesy. So he had the dog in the evening. It's mental. It's mental. The level of detail you're putting into it. He used to take the dog out and stuff, and he built a very close relationship with this dog

to the point where he basically packed up all his stuff into his car and tried to run down to Chelsea to go live with the dog. What the fuck are you talking about? Seriously. He tried to do a run-in with this dog. Tom. I swear. It's true.

We didn't realize he was in the position he was, but he had so much... I swear, it's true. Like, we didn't realise he was in the position he was, but he owed quite a few people money as well. Yeah, he tried to run away with the dog.

Okay, so you've totally misrepresented that story. You made it out like you fucking, like, eloped with the dog. That's how you made that sound.

No. But you had a load of debt and ran away and happened to also take the dog with him that's what the story is yeah basically yeah yeah yeah no but you the way you started that story is he's run away to go and have a fucking life with the dog yeah he ran away to escape debts but took the dog with him right okay so that's how you that's how you tell that story. Yeah. Fucking hell. What are you, the son? My point is, dogs are an incredible companion when you're feeling pretty low

and when you're feeling pretty sorry for yourself and then you go through it. Dogs are amazing people. Almost dogs just come into their own at that time, better than humans. So I think it would be pretty hard for the guy if you took the dog away from him, you know, because he clearly has a very sort of kinship with this dog.

But on the flip side of that, as a dog owner myself, I'd be absolutely terrified of, you know, the situation that, you know, he's found himself in. I guess he's probably just having quite an earnest and sort of honest conversation with this gentleman and just saying that we're a bit worried about, you know, the fact that,

um, uh, you know, you sort of, you forgot about the fact that you take, you know, whether, you know,

you were drinking too much, which worried about Henry and, uh, whether Henry's sort of, you know, wellbeing with, with, you know,

Henry loves spending time with you. You know, you, he thinks a lot of you, he cares about you, but we have to, we're going to have to look at, you know,

like an alternative. Yeah. I, i do think that's uh that is really good advice i mean look the truth is this guy's obviously got some issues potentially uh potentially got some issues with his drinking or he might just be look the truth is i drank a lot during the first lockdown. And there is an argument that if somebody had come to visit me four consecutive days in a week on some weeks, I would have been hammered. And it would have looked like I had a problem, is a genuine truth. Yeah, I mean, this week I've had two big sessions. There you go.

So, you know, there you go. Tom's managed to bring it back to him. So, I'm only joking, I'm only joking i've just been deliberately been a prick there um so what i'm saying is it's possible that this is just the guy's just drinking do you mean just having a bit of a and you know that there is a bleakness to that but it's not it's not as big a problem as it could be or he's having genuine issues in which case there is an argument that you could use henry to kind of help the situation which is like Tom said have an earnest and honest conversation about the fact that you don't really want to leave your dog with somebody

who's been drinking the first thing that I'll do is highlight to the bloke that you've noticed it right which which could be the wake-up call that he's after and then you know if you followed that up with we wouldn't really feel safe with leaving the dog with somebody that's been drinking he's got a choice to make there that choice is either he doesn't drink while he's looking after your dog or he says i don't want to look after the dog anymore and he continues drinking and then you've got to make a choice on how to support him if he decides that he's not going to drink while he's looking after the dog you're actually doing him a favor yeah do you mean it sort of helps it'll help regulate his behavior but all of that is circumstantial.

It all depends on you having that chat with him. It's one of those moments in life where you just wish that the dog could talk, isn't it? Yes, I suppose so. What would you try and glean from the dog? I'll just say, Henry, mate, can you come in here, please? Me and your mum are a little bit worried about the guy next door. Is his name Andrew, the guy next door? Or have I just made that up?

He's not named. The only person that's been named in this is… Henry the dog. Is Henry the dog, yeah. Henry, obviously you go around to the neighbour's house. Is his house clean inside? Is it nice? Does he feed you at lunchtime?

How do you think he's drinking too much? Do you feel safe with him? Do you feel safe with when you go for a walk? And then the dog would be like... Yeah. I mean, what I would say there is, not only do you want the dog to be able to talk, you also want the dog to have quite a

nuanced and in-depth understanding of what a safe level of alcohol drink it is. How... How the guy's running his life. Because as far as I can tell, if a dog, most dogs I've come across, if they were to speak, they would say things like, I am hungry.

I need a piss now. Can we go for a walk? I don't think they'd say things like, are you getting enough protein? Or do you... I don't think they'd say things like, are you getting enough protein? Or do you... What I'm saying, Chuck? Do you think your diet's balanced? No, I'm just saying that he's got insight

into this neighbour's house that none of us have got. So he might just say, oh, you know what, actually? Yeah, he does. Like, you know, at 12 o'clock, you'll have a can of Cutter Can's beer. So the dog can tell the time. Okay. Yeah, and then he at 12 o'clock, he'll have a can of Cuddle Cans beer. So the dog can tell the time. Okay. Yeah, and then he'll sort of have a couple of glasses of whiskey

and sometimes he drinks some white wine. And actually, to be fair, sometimes he completely forgets to take me out at all. So I'm quite worried about him. But I do enjoy being at his house because he tickles my tummy and we'll sit on the sofa together and watch films. I would say you're asking quite a lot of even a talking dog there expecting that level of insight it's the only way that we're going to get to the bottom of this sure so so leah my advice is to have a conversation with your neighbor

tom's advice is to find a way to somehow have a conversation with your dog good luck Good luck. Okay, Tom, that's all we've got time for, my G. My guy. Mate, I'm going to go and just lie next to the toilet for about an hour. Okay. The cold floor. Well, you're going into London now? No, no. I'm at home all day today. Hey, what are you going don't fucking know i've got a gig tonight oh shit whereabouts shit graves end oh

my guy oh my enjoy my brother thank you i'll speak to you soon thank you so much for joining us thank you for listening for now and remember yeah so much. Yeah, a dog is just a friend who has a story of their own. And one day, you shall hear that story. Yeah. Right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.