Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #18

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

We tackle… sheets, mattresses and how to behave in a bed shop, dating app profiles, making the right impression with new work colleagues and un-relocating for your job. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler, that ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows, have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing. They stay dressed to kill. Never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff, a puff and a... Expect killings.

Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Welcome to the Wolf and Ow'll bonus episode of the podcast. Oh yeah, honey.

Thanks for joining us. You look so good. Just leapt back, just chilled with your new desk. You look good, boy. Yeah, I love this desk, man. But I was just saying- Have you got black pillowcases? Are they silk pillowcases

first of all they're not silk ok because you're not watching me in the film boomerang right they're dark grey have you got black bed sheets no they're great I haven't got any black bed sheets

that's a big look you know you can't have black bed sheets with the kind of emissions I'm knocking about. Honestly, if I go round someone's house, I remember when I was about probably 21, I went round to a guy's house. Oh, is that sweet, sweet Catherine behind you there? I've just seen the door open.

What are you doing? Hello, Cap. We're doing a podcast. We just started. No, no, no. We had to start a whole fake because it was wrong. Bless her. Been for a big walk. I really do love your wife. Yeah, she's a podcast. We just started. No, no, no. We had to start at half eight because of Rom. Bless her. Been for a big walk. I really do love your wife. Yeah, she's a sweet, sweet soul. The thing that I'm slightly annoyed about

is you going, we started at half eight because of Rom. It's like a proper... No, no. I was just saying. Because she thought it was eight. I went into the gym this morning and smashed it.

And she was, yeah. And she's taking the dog for a walk. But it was, you pushed it to half eight. You texted me yesterday and said it. And she was, yeah, and she's taking the dog for a walk. But it was, you pushed it to half eight. You texted me yesterday and said eight, and then you then texted me this morning. You must have got early and gone back to sleep. Okay, let me tell you about my... Fuck off, wait there.

What, what? Oh, Jesus Christ, this guy. Mate, I'll tell you what, I need to get a whole new system. The speakers don't even work on my thing anyway. Yeah, okay. Maybe if you can try and just, I don't know, Google and then remember for next time the names of some companies

and then they'll just send you some free shit. Oh, shout out, by the way, to those guys. They actually said that they'd hook you up. And I sent you a voice note saying, yeah. So we got the name of the company wrong last time because it's not MyGolfProtein, it's MaxGolfProtein. Which actually fits with your whole brand

and your whole catchphrase. Take it to the max. Okay. This take it to the max thing. Yeah. A lot of emails are being signed off take it to the max that we're getting into the podcast.

Yeah, I think it's actually outdoing... That was a one episode thing. Sweet, sweet soul was a runner. Yeah. And do you was... To the max is a one. And do you is something you say arguably too much,

just in general conversation. Yeah, but also, you know what you say quite a lot, it's the truth of the matter is. Yeah, I do say that. But I do say that. That is one of my favourite ones that you do.

The other thing that we both say a lot is can I just say yeah or can I just tell you something you know that's the worst thing about listening back to yourself on a podcast is the

do you know what I do as well and this is so my as we know my phone is broken I've got ghosting on my screen still going through that at the moment

have you done what have you done to try and sort that out I've got to go to an Apple store and change my phone basically okay that's a that's a have you done to try and sort that out? I've got to go to an Apple store and change my phone, basically. Okay, you seem to have misheard the question there. I'm not asking you what somebody might do in the situation that you find yourself in. I'm asking what action you've taken in the two weeks now that this phone has been ghosted.

I went to O2 and I spoke to a very helpful young man there who told me it was two grand to get a new handset, or if I took it to an Apple store, I could change it for free. So I've not been near an Apple store. So what I've been doing is just basically becoming acclimatised to working with a ghosted screen. Can I tell you something? Oh my God, did you hear that?

I did it. There he is. Right, that's the last time I do that. That's the last time I do that. Not forever, but let me just try and sort it out for this i don't want to say the truth of it is the truth of the matter can i just tell you that i'm going to try and not swear so this is a real why are you trying to swear you're literally cutting out 90 of your your dialogue no you swear so much excuse me you you swear like a street tough in like an old 80s movie it's like the one one character is

allowed to swear i would say that our swearing is different in that i swear all the time whereas you're a bit feast or famine so for a long time you won't be swearing and then all of a sudden you go because like fucking i'm sort of fucking fucking saying i'm a bitch that would describe yeah i would say you're a binge swearer whereas Yeah, I would say you're a binge swearer. Whereas, yeah, yours is quite... You do still do that look that I used to do. I remember when I was like 13, 14 and I found out about swearing. I used to do a look after like I was really cool. You still do that sometimes.

Okay, I don't do that look. I don't do that look. This is another one of these things where you deliver a fake observation as fact and then that becomes part of the thing. When you do this, you go, I don't fucking care. You're such a prick.

Loaded. Anyway, what the hell were we talking about? Oh yeah, my night last night. So I was out all day yeah and then so normally my routine when i'm going into town i park up at three bridges train station lovely station shout out three bridges and all the guys who go on the trip do you think it's a lovely it's all right three bridges yeah yeah it's a nice it's nice anyway i got got the train into london doing my day's work and then i did a bit of like this filming thing and then they

organized a car for me to come back home as i get pull into the house and get out the car i look and i think oh somebody what's happened to my car and then i remember that i've left the car at the station yeah and then i go inside i don't even have even have the initiative to ask the driver if he'll take me to the station. I just let the driver go. And then I go into the house. And then it's just such a typical Romesh thing to do. I present the problem to Lisa as if she's got any responsibility for this.

I go, I don't know. What can we do about this? I've left the car at the train station. And what she'd be well within her rights to say is, well, I guess what you do about it is, first of all, not tell me, because there's absolutely nothing to do with me. This is your dick-headed behaviour. Now, do you know what that sweet, sweet woman is doing?

What? She's incorporating picking my car up into her daily walk. What? Anyway, that's not the story of my night. I don't know why I said all that. But also also let me just shout out lisa because that woman is an absolute she is i'll tell you what if you're in the trenches you'd want you'd need someone like lisa right around the whole place like to

do stuff i wouldn't i wouldn't want my i wouldn't want my wife to be at war with me i'd find that incredibly harrowing. That would be so funny. That would be such a fucking funny thing to like. Can you imagine? Dealing with the psychology of knowing that you might die, but then also being slightly concerned that you say something to offend your missus. Like sharing a bunk. Everyone else was a bit awkward around you. Yeah. That happened to me years ago where i i

mean it's not quite the same where you and where you and katherine were in the four points together no where this is many years ago and obviously i'm not comparing it to being in the trenches but a friend of mine brought uh his girlfriend on a lat holiday and you know not saying that it's a it's a trench it's a trench of a sort, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, where we went was. But I'm just saying, it was a very funny, weird dynamic

to have like... Why did your mate do that? Basically, he was so in love with her. It was actually quite sweet in a way, but, you know, it's sort of like, it was like sort of seven lads and her. Did you do the whole lad's holiday thing?

Well, we went through a phase of doing that. Like we did like Faleraki and all that kind of stuff. But I remember once we went to like Dublin, you know, everybody does Dublin on a weekend. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. And we did Dublin and one of our mates brought his girlfriend with him for the similar reasons to what you're talking about.

And we went to the Guinness factory. Did you go to the Guinness factory? Yeah, of course. Where you work your way up through the floors or whatever. And then at the top you have a Guinness. Yeah. Anyway, my mate. I mean, it's a lot of hard work for a Guinness, that Did you go to the Guinness factory? Yeah, of course. Where you work your way up through the floors or whatever and then at the top you have a Guinness. Yeah. Anyway, my mate...

I mean, it's a lot of hard work for a Guinness, that, isn't it? I know. You sort of think... I'd understand that if Guinness was difficult to get hold of in Dublin. Yeah, but...

You know, then you get... Also, there's some things I couldn't give a fuck how it's made. I don't want... Yeah, I agree with that. When it comes to certain stuff like Guinness or toothpaste,

I don't want its fucking life story. I enjoy Guinness for what it is. And that's why you regretted your visit to the toothpaste factory i'll tell you the worst place actually this is on that same holiday yeah a guy that we're with who wasn't with his girlfriend this is another guy that we're with i mean it sounds like we're um a right bunch of we're having a right laugh he um he was obsessed with going to a mattress factory right so we went to a mattress factory we were all hungover and a bit steaming it was like a rainy day like where we were

so he thought we were going to go to his mattress factory so we all went we didn't really take it too seriously again with toothpaste or Guinness mattresses just get made that's the whole point shout out to anyone making mattresses I respect your craft Tom believes I don't really care.

You're some of the greatest. Tom believes you're some of the greatest human beings on the planet. So well done for that. So we go. And then he got so zigged out that none of us took it seriously. He went back the next day so he could really take it on his own. On his own for a side later of the thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he didn't think anyone had taken it seriously enough. So he went back. What was the factory was it was it one with springs or was it one of these new fangled temper things no this was back in the day i mean the mate this is probably about i think it was 1997 or 1998 wow that's when mattress technology really you know yeah yeah i mean there was no your matches have come a long long way oh it's yeah as i'm talking to you now, I'm on this mattress. It basically gives you a hug. I mean, the way that mattresses have moved on really is amazing. You know what?

I spent a lot of money on a mattress, and it's absolutely fucking dog shit. And I'll even name the company, V-Spring. I'll tell you now, they're an absolute travesty of a company. Are you about to unveil a tragic set of Instagram messages between you and them? No. I have emailed them.

What did you say in the email? I'll have to try and find it. What was your problem with the mattress? I'll tell you what

the problem is right. On my wife's side of the bed it's still a very fucking firm perfect piece of mattress.

On my side of the bed it's very sagged. What do you reckon the difference is to what's happening to the mattress? Well, I'll tell you what the difference is, Romesh, about 14 stone. But when we went to buy the mattress, there was a fucking salesman, and by the name, I think his name was Lloyd or Pete. I can't remember one of the two.

Such needless information for this story. No, I'm fucking saying now. He said, for a man of your size, there's only one mattress I'd go for, and that's the V-Spring. You can have this mattress. You'd have it for like 10 years. It would be absolutely perfect. It would be amazing.

The V-Spring is like the Bentley of mattresses. And it was quite a considerable amount of money yeah he fucking told me this thing which actually now i find out it's just a fucking bit of mattress fucking sales swagger he turns around to me and says um oh you know well people don't even think twice about spending like this sort of money on like a holiday for two weeks and actually you can spend this money on a mattress i hate that i hate that. I hate that. You're in bed every fucking night, right?

Right. So I'm like, okay, fucking, I fall for his patter and his sweet, sweet, sweet,

sweet, sweet words. I'm looking, as you're talking to me, I'm looking up V-Spring and they do look pretty, they do look pretty good. But anyway,

go on. Yeah, I mean, they, you know, they look great. I waited with so much cherished,

you know, like fondness for the moment that that fucking mattress was delivered. Did you do that thing? Because we went mattress shopping last week. And did you do that thing that everyone does where you suddenly become so obsessed with the idea of getting a good night's sleep that you convince yourself that any amount of money is worth it?

Because they put up these posters, don't they, where do you know that one of the biggest drivers of lifetime happiness is how much sleep you get? Or whatever, you know, and you suddenly become totally tuned into that, don't you? It becomes an obsession. Well, let me tell you, Lloyd and Pete, or Pete, Lloyd or Pete,

whoever it was, he fucking knew every little angle, mate. He was an incredible salesman, but also now, in retrospect, an absolute piece of shit shit because he was a liar all right so we then basically get to a point where i'm like yeah i'll take that take the mattress topper as well right you know why do you have to take a if you're taking a great mattress why do you have to have a topper as well because pete and lloyd said that it took about it took basically four inches of sweat a year. Yeah. What? Yeah. I mean, two issues there.

One, um, that's disgusting. And two, I'm, I'm still quite unclear as to whether you're unsure whether it's called Lloyd or Pete, or if this is a double act that you were sold the mattress by. No,

no, no, no. It was Lloyd or Pete. Right. Right. Okay. So number one,

you get the mattress. It was actually all right for a while. And then fucking a year down the line, it's completely, like, it's lost its, it's lost its spring, really. It's just not the same. I've turned it, and it's a little bit better, but, you know, it makes you sad even. I actually think as well, like, you can go to a bed shop,

you lay on the fucking bed for, like, five minutes at most, right? Because otherwise people start looking at you funny. I think you should be able to go to a metric, like a Beds or UK or whatever, furniture village, and you should be able to sleep in there for the night in the bed that you want to buy, to see what it's like.

Yeah, I think that's an absolutely great idea. And so what, the staff would do overnight shifts or whatever, would they? No, they'd just basically be like, it would be like a sort of, I don't know, like basically they'd just basically be like it would be like sort of I don't know like basically they'd all go

everyone go to bed now goodnight and switch off the lights and everyone would just go to sleep and lock you in there. Lock you in the shop. Yeah.

And then they'd come in in the morning and say how did everyone sleep and stuff. And then someone like you would go no I didn't really like that

I'll see you again tonight I'm going to try that one. And then they've got you for a week, have they? No, obviously you wouldn't want to stay there for a week. But if you didn't like the bed, you'd just go,

I didn't really like that one. Can I try the Delta 5 or whatever? You know? And then, you know, you'd go over, get in that bed and just sort of sleep in there

that night. And obviously they'd change the sheets and the covers and stuff. Yeah. I mean, that feels like a cost-effective way of selling mattresses to me.

No, but... Now they're basically running a hotel on the off chance that you might buy a bed off them i mean you just get pit you just get pissed people coming in sort of go do you know what if you know you're having a night out in a town and you don't want to fork out for a hotel let's go just just before you head to the pub you're just wandering and go i'm really interested in the v-spring over there i'm going to come back and try it out tonight. If that's all right. Yeah. Well,

maybe I'll see you just after closing. Well, maybe there's a way of putting some sort of deposit down. So you don't saw in it. Right. What I'm saying is when you, you know, when you buy a car,

right. You have a drive in it, didn't you? Yeah. Like when you try some shoes, you have a walk in it. Yeah. You know, you don't just stand up in the shoes or just sit in the car. You You have a drive in it, don't you? Yeah. Like when you try some shoes, you have a walk in it. Yeah. You know, you don't just stand up in the shoes or just sit in the car.

You have a fucking drive in it. Sure. So when you're like trying out something, okay, what if you just... I mean, you've given two examples of things that you purchase in almost exactly the same way that you do a mattress. You walk around for a very short time in the shoe shop

and then you choose to buy the shoes. You test drive a car for a very short time. the shoe shop and then you choose to buy the shoes. You test drive a car for a very short time. So you've given two identical examples there. Yeah, but you don't actually get any sleep in like... Okay, what if they had a little room at the back with interchangeable mattresses, right? And then you just went out there for 20 minutes and a little sleep. Okay.

But I mean, what I would say to you... Oh, what I would say to you... Shut up! So I don't know if I want to... I'll have to figure out if this has to be beeped out afterwards. Was talking to us about mattress shopping. Yeah. She lies down for half an hour in the shop.

This is someone I respect and admire. She's never been picked up on it. So when she's mattress shopping, she goes in... How often does she go mattress shopping? Once a week. No, no, no. Whenever she's whenever she's come to pick up a mattress because she said because we were talking about getting new mattresses

getting a new mattress and um she said oh yeah well you need to clear a bit of time for that because you want to lie down for half an hour on each one every time i've done over like five minutes i've always got looks from the staff i think that might be in your head we we want so we went we went on the weekend. We took the boys with us. You can imagine what those boys were like about us going mattress shopping. It was almost a protest. They had to be dragged into the shop.

But then once we got in there, they actually enjoyed trying the different mattresses out. And they were showing us ones that they'd found that they really liked. But we just went around lying on all of them. I don't think you got... That's what people do, isn't it? I do think some people... There was a couple of people in there when we were

there. They were getting a bit sort of nerdy about it. Do you know what I mean? Do you take your shoes and socks off when you try bed? No, I just have my feet off the end. Alright. I always have my feet off the end. All right. I always have my feet off, because that's one of the big ones for me, is will my feet fit on the end of it?

Okay. But I think if your feet are off the end, and you just look at how much room you've got at the top, I don't think it takes a massive amount of calculation to figure it out, does it? I've never done that. I always take my shoes off. Okay. All right. Well, listen, the difference between you and I, I guess,

is I'm doing it fully clothed, whereas you're, what, getting into pyjamas or something to try it out. Do you get under the covers? No. Do you get under the covers? Yeah, because you've got to try the mattress. You don't sleep on top of the duvet, do you? Sorry, the shops I'm going to, it's just the mattress.

They're not fully made beds. They've got the demo ones with made beds. Yeah, I'm not getting... I try those sometimes. How often do you think they're changing the sheets on those? Probably once a week or twice a week. Wow.

Anyone is clean. Wow. Wow, okay. If that's what you think. I reckon you'd be lucky if it's once every six months. What? That's disgusting.

But why would they bother? I mean, if you and I ran a bed shop, do you think. I reckon you'd be lucky if it's once every six months. What? That's disgusting. But why would they bother? I mean, if you and I ran a bed shop, do you think you and I would be changing the bed sheets every week? I'd love to run a bed shop with you. That's a sitcom right there. What would we call it? Cushion and pillow? I'd call it lazy days.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Sleep brothers. Sleep brothers would be cool. Okay. It's time. Yeah. Sleep Brothers. Sleep Brothers would be cool. Okay, it's time. This is supposed to be a email. Bedheads.

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Okay, this is from adam dear wolf and al i'd normally be hesitant about being so candid with two of britain's premier leading comedians hello this is intended for lockdown parenting but i just don't know who to turn to in addition i also believe this falls into your wheelhouse of knowledge with tom's intimate knowledge of dating shows and Rom's ability to attract beautiful women, e.g. the swan. And that lady... It's very smooth, isn't it? No wonder she picked it out. There seems to be a way of getting your emails included in the

podcast. Just pay that thirsty woman a compliment. You're straight in. And that lady guide you had in the Misadventures episode. Oh, bloody hell. I've recently decided to get back into dating. I've put myself on a dating app, brackets, OKCupid. I had a match quite quickly with a lovely lady,

and I sent her a message. I spent a while on a message, trying to sound like a better version of myself, but got no reply. Maybe this is normal. Maybe it's just too long a message in the end. I was wondering if I could get some advice on multiple fronts to help me.

One, what should I use as an opener in messages? The previous message I sent was about three paragraphs i've no idea if that's too long or not grateful for any help on here on size and content two in terms of the photo i don't think there's much i can do every second i can as i imagine you guys are hounded by the press and i've been on a few red carpets this got this this guy's uh impression of what our lives are like is yeah it's completely in contrast to actually two blokes who just spent 20 minutes talking about fucking mattresses. I was wondering if you had any tips to make yourself

a bit physically more attractive in a photo. Like I said, I think I maybe scuppered it. Any advice on what I should include on my profile? The first bit someone sees is self-summary. So I guess if I pass the photo test, this is the next hurdle. I was going to send you guys a screenshot of what i have so far but thought that might be too much it's been a long time since i've been in the dating game i'm trying to dedicate a bit of time to every evening despite my evidence struggles any wisdom

greatly appreciated tom davis the wolf can he give manaman some advice please yo adam what's up brother um number one i say question number one of uh no look man you seem like a cool guy you seem like just in the fact that the swan has picked your email out from the 10s and 20s that we get per week shows that you are an absolute g and uh you know you've got a clear way of work with words my friend um i think the opening, I mean, look, I've never done this internet dating finesse stuff. I was always, you know, I'm old school, man.

Meet somewhere in a real life scenario, get chatting. I mean, it seems like an old craft, you know, like, you know, carrying around like a little sack full of gold or sort of like, you know, giving some pebbles for a donkey on the,

you know, one of the old nursery rhymes or some magic beans or some shit like that. Are you going to be talking like you're doing the closeout to the show for every answer now? I'm just so embarrassed about the last closeout. No, so what I'm saying to you, sweet Adam, is that, yeah, this is a different world.

Number one, for your first bit, I would be... I'd try and be jovial i think you clearly got a way of words when you're writing these things i try and be a little bit jovial have a little bit of a crack with the woman um and sort of i guess it's just thinking a way of the best representation of you and who you are in a very small small way i think three paragraphs might be a tad excessive. I think, you know,

sort of maybe work on getting that down to a paragraph. Photo-wise, look, man, I think the truth of the matter is the best representation... Hello. What? What's the truth of the matter? Oh, God, no. OK, let me try that again. Well, you leveled that accusation at me.

It's quite nice to see you falling fairly very little trap there oh god i can't believe i said that that was awful anyway carry on oh yeah we've got dickensian in this yes uh photo wise uh addy boy i think the fair the best representation of yourself is the way to go. I think people, you know, obviously when you meet this person, uh, they're going to clock that you might've been,

you know, using some sort of, I mean, I know, you know, you see, you see people, I watch a lot of these dating shows.

I watch it like catfish and stuff. And I think, you know, it's a dangerous route to get down of like the perfect photo. Um, because actually I think when people go through them, you need something where it shows the person you are a little bit of light life a little bit of banter you know maybe a cheeky

sort of smile um i always think you know if it was me i thought you know there's ones you can get professionally done like you know with you sort of like this like with your hands below your cheek chin and sort of a big grin or something like that. Something a bit funny that she's going to look at and it'll get her attention. And lastly, the bit about you. When it comes to the bit about you, my friend, just be honest. Be honest and to the point, who you are, what you're about. I think the fact of the matter is, oh God,

that's another one I get. No, sorry, look, that's my bad. You know what, Tom? We do these twice a week, right? Oh, God. That's another one I get. No, it's all right. Look, that's my bad. You know what, Tom? We do these twice a week, right? We do a lot of talking. Let's unshackle ourselves. Look, guys, I'm sorry.

We say the truth of the matter. Can I tell you? Okay, that's just us. All right? We're going to do us. We're telling other people to be honest. We're giving advice like, do you? So we're going to do us. The truth of the matter is we're going to talk how we want okay go for it yeah is i think when

it comes to that that those little blurbs is being as honest as you can be about you i think this whole sort of internet dating thing i think the whole dating app thing i think there's a part of it that's great i think it's brilliant but i think the one thing people don't do is they don't work enough on building those connections go and watch a show called are you the one it's a brilliant show that is probably the best dating show there is well what you realize is the things that people think they need or they want for a relationship are completely in contrast from actually the things that they need as a human being and and what's the culture of just sitting on a phone and swiping left or looking at someone or someone says something that might be a bit cheesy or a bit silly on a message that they send

is they completely open themselves up, become quite vulnerable, and then end up with egg on their face and looking a little bit ridiculous. Those things are things that if you're interacting know, if you're in a human, if you're interacting with someone, you can make a joke of. If you're on, you know, if it's a clear text and you go, someone can just get rid of you like that. So I think be honest. Yeah, you're going to text and you're going to interact with a lot of frogs

to find your princess. But when you do, it will be a very, very rewarding scenario that you'll find yourself in, my friend. So keep doing you, Adam. Do you, my friend. Great advice there from Tom, as always. If I can weigh in on each of your three questions. Three paragraphs is way too long. I'm just going to tell you that now way too long um i have i have never used a dating thing i feel sorry for people that have to use it because the idea of finding

a set of photos and a set of answers to questions that summarize you gives me anxiety just even as i talk about it now i think this is my advice okay in terms of the message i think just be honest and go um you seem like something along the lines if you seem quite an interesting person you up for a chat and they might be they might not be i don't think you have to give like a you're not sending them a resume right so i won't worry about getting into too much detail in terms of the photo i i know quite a few people that are on dating websites i know more women that are on dating websites than blokes and the thing they always say is is that blokes tend to use photos that when they then go and

meet up with them it's barely conceivable that it's the same person so i would say don't worry about trying to get a photo that presents yourself in too positive a light just give a photo that's realistic it might mean that in the initial stages you get less attention because you haven't sort of made sure the lighting's absolutely perfect and you're looking chiseled but what it will do is make your first meeting with that person i actually think just quickly to jump in on that i think get a picture of you looking the most disgusting you can well the most sort of like for me and tom that would be every photo yeah yeah for every picture i've ever had done my wife's favorite picture of me is a picture of me after i've just eaten a big

cream donut and i've got cream down my face and i'm pulling a stupid face it's endearing yeah so if you take a picture if you really risk that and then you go out on the date and the person goes oh fucking hell wow you know your picture doesn't do you justice straight away it shows you've got a strength about you uh massive 180 there uh from tom on the photo situation uh or get a picture of you at the zoo or a circuit like as like don't do that don't do this don't do this don't do this because it's like a truck you're talking about having a photo with an animal yeah it's insane don't do that don't do that yeah honestly don't do that i don't think that's

quite a cool thing well yeah i don't i'm telling you now it's up to you whether you do that or not if you think it's cool to have a photo with a chimpanzee on your dating profile, then go ahead. Some of the best pictures I've ever seen taken where I look at people and go, they look cool, is Longleat Safari Park. Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of people say that. And then in terms of advice on what I should include in my profile look i just think don't worry about razzle dazzle mate just um I know that people are attracted to humour.

That's what I keep, you know, like people say, if you can say something funny, say something funny. It's just a thin line between being funny and just looking a bit try hard. So, you know,

be careful. If you want to send some suggestions in and we'll, we'll, we'll vet them for you. That's something we're willing to do. And we'll run them past the Swan. We can run them past the cat as well, just see what they think. So you've got sort of four people that's helping out there. We will get you And we'll run them past the swan. We can run them past the cat so I'll just see what they think.

So you've got sort of four people that's helping out there. We will get you, we will find you love, my friend. We will find you love. Well, that's absolutely, Tom doesn't speak for me there. But we are happy to help you.

If not, we'll just all go to Longleat Safari together. No. Okay, here we go. This is from Ryan. He says, hi ron tom and lisa i recently started a new job and i'm currently going through the usual induction palaver there are plenty of group activities and zoom calls penciled in where we have to take in such activities like everybody's saying interesting facts about yourself oh my god i'm an ordinary guy who enjoys holidays football and socializing

etc and often struggle with these sorts of things. I've not been hiking in the mountains of Chile, for example. I guess the actual answer is only a small part of what I'm trying to get across. I'm also conscious of appearing disinterested and downbeat if I give a flaccid response to these things. Do you guys have any advice on how to answer these things without seeming bored and disinterested? And have either of you been in a similar position?

Love the pod, keep up the good work yo ryan stand up mate look at yourself in the mirror and say right some people need to walk up the mountains of chile and you know uh take a boat down the serengeti or do some crazy fucking things to have something to talk about. Anything you do in life, you should attack with the same conviction that they do when they're talking about walking up the mountains of Chile. So yo, you like playing football, talk about the best goal you've ever scored. I'll tell you now, I remember playing, I was 13 years old and we were playing in a little league and a ball came over to me uh i literally it came over my shoulder i caught it sweet so fucking sweet went off the crossbar into the goal

very much like tony abar and i'll tell you now it's like they were the best moments of my life i could that's a very small way of me telling that story i could really go into detail i was the only kid that day wearing colored boots. I was wearing white boots. Everyone took the mick out of me. And they all ate their words after that. So the point of the matter is, everything in life can be a walk up a mountain in Chile. You know, you like holidays.

Talk about the best time you've been to Federica or Rhodes. You know, my friend, and I got in trouble actually recently because I did name someone, and so I'm not going to name him, who went to the mattress factory, still talks about that fondly. If he was on that call,

he would be talking about the mattress factory. Find the things that interest you. And never have I said this with more sincerity or with more pride. But Ryan, please, my friend, do you? I don't know if I could disagree more strongly. Really? Yeah.

This is from someone new. You make a show where you go to all these cool places, right? I don't know if I could disagree more strongly than that. Yeah, yeah. This is from someone near. You make a show where you go to all these cool places, right? And you do, like, these very cool things. Like, yeah, I've been out quite a few times with you, and, like, someone's telling a story, and you lean forward whimsically, and you'll take a sip from your beer.

What Tom's about to say is absolute bullshit. I'm happy for you to say this, but I just want to get this out of the way. What Tom is about to say is absolute bullshit. What is this observation about me? You'll lean forward, you'll take a sip from your beer, and you go, yeah, when I was in the Great Plains of Ethiopia, we went on an elephant trail,

and my God, you've never seen anything like the sun going down, but the moon showing its peaceful face across those plains. And yeah, you've got those stories because you've done all these amazing things i haven't done those things today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together and teaming up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters so i have to then battle with that and go, oh, I remember when I was in Feneraki and I found a cat

and it pooed on my mate Stephen Bork's head. Yeah. I mean, that is quite a funny story. But, and you've named him there, needlessly. The thing is, is... Why haven't I named the guy from the mattress factory? But I've thrown poor Stephen Bork out. Love you, Borky.

So this is my reasoning for disagreeing with you. You're one of my favourite people in the whole world, Tom. Yeah. Okay. Love the bones of you. Yeah. If I was on a Zoom call and you told me that story about scoring a goal, right,

and went into all that detail about what a great goal it was and what an amazing day it was and all that i would think to myself i never want to speak to that bloke again in my life right right so that's a straight away that's a friendship a magical friendship that's denied because you've got the the advice to tell somebody to find something you're interested in and just bark it at the other people you're talking to might be one of the worst bits of advice i've ever heard right i i'd strongly disagree i'm gonna fight my corner on this okay go i think you've just got a fucking really like sort of have a little sip of the kool-aid before you get on that call

right and just sort of like and i think it's like like just really fucking conviction like really make sure you know the story inside out um so you've got a beginning middle and an end um and then always do like the romesh lean back and just a little sort of smile there's no there's no romesh lean back okay okay you can take that advice and listen tom is a very what would you do then? What would you do? I'd be honest. I'd go on the thing and I'd go, the truth is I don't really feel comfortable

about doing these sort of things. I haven't really done anything massively exciting, but I am into football. I do sometimes, I like comic books or whatever. You say whatever and you go, I'm sorry, that's not more interesting. But you know. Yeah, but this is, so let's say you do that, right? I would go, I love comic book or whatever. You say whatever. And you go, I'm sorry, that's not more interesting. But yeah, but this is,

so that's how you do that. Right. I would go, I love comic books. I absolutely adore them. It's immediately. That's a red, that's a red flag to me straight away. No,

you, you gotta be, then you gotta be like, my favorite comic book ever is the death of Batman. Right. And you want a death of Superman or whatever. And you go into this whole thing, you know, and dah, dah, dah. And at the end of batman right and you're the death of superman whatever and you go into this whole thing you know and at the end of it you go i really can't wait to drive with you guys and then you just sit back yeah and i would say that is a really nice way of getting your

colleagues to set up a whatsapp group that doesn't include you look Look, man. I just think that I have gone through my life. And look, you know me, right? I do know you, yeah. That is pretty much how I do my life. I'm excited about shit. Yeah, you are. But how you're advising

is not the same as how you actually are. Because I've seen you make a first impression. You like work... the example i'd give we went to the football the other night it was actually i would describe it as impressive watching you you're really likable nice going yeah okay you sound enthusiastic about things but not in a you don't start fucking monologuing about something you're into like some sort of weird you know but he's saying they've got all do that.

Right. Yeah. His thing is that he feels. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? You, if you were on a zoom and I came onto this and you, let's imagine you and I were on a work thing where separately we had to

introduce ourselves to this group. We're working on some project. And somebody said, Romesh, do you want to talk about yourself? But yeah. Um, hi,

I'm Romesh really into comic books. books uh i'm reading invincible at the moment sort of read it off the back of the amazon tv show and i just thought i've got to dive deeper into that so actually the weird thing about the tv show is only it only goes into like i would say the first sort of tenth of the actual first compendium when you actually read into it you see that the characters like a much much if i did all of that, right, you would message me later going, rubbish. Listen, you know I love you.

You're a sweet, sweet soul. But you made an absolute **** of yourself on that, Zoe. You would say that. Right, look. You would be talking about it on the next episode of this. My point is this, right?

And this is probably a grievance I've... When he's saying... What he's saying is he doesn't think his life is as interesting as other people's who are coming onto that thing and turning around and saying oh yeah he's used walking up a mountain in chile right yeah yeah i remember and i you know you do before you're in television whatever you must have i've been at parties or house parties or gone to things where people have done traveling and people have gone oh yeah we went down thailand we did this we did that we found us i've never done those things right so what my point is is when i'm going to somewhere i don't

ever question myself as going well i've never done this thing or i've never had a life-changing experience in the fucking you know whatever in a rainforest my life-changing experience was like fucking magaluf going bcms or whatever this is what i'm saying to you is that you i'm not saying he has to go on there and go you know we're using a joke of jokey way of saying this but he shouldn't like fucking demean himself where his life experiences aren't as important as other people's because he hasn't done this and that's what i agree with you. I think if you want my honest opinion, self-deprecation is exactly what you do and exactly what I do in a situation like that.

I would be, I would open with going, well, I haven't done any of these things and make a joke about what you've done in exactly what I've just done here. And then just have it. But then you are an interesting person. You've got interests.

Like genuinely, and you, you used your thing about the invincibles there yeah as a mickey take i don't know anything about the invincibles i'm sitting here listening going well actually this is pretty interesting and although you're taking the mic and doing that i'm not going oh this guy's an absolute you know i'm guessing that he's met these people before a bit it's not the first time you've ever met them yeah look i would say that that part of what you just talked about, I agree with, because the truth is the idea. Well, two things I would say. One, the most interesting people think they aren't very interesting.

If you think you're interesting, there's a good chance that you're not. And vice versa. The other thing I would say, there's a slight elitism to this because the sort of experiences that people tend to think make you a more interesting person or give you better stories are expensive. Or they are born out of a certain amount of like privilege or opportunity. So Tom is right, actually. Don't demean yourself or don't put yourself down because you've had a different life. It doesn't make you less interesting. It doesn't make you less interesting. It doesn't make you a worse person. Having said all of that,

please do not excitedly talk about a goal that you scored for your five a side team. Like for ages, that's all I'm saying. All right. Well, if you do do it, just go,

yeah, you know, probably actually sadly for me, the most exciting thing that's happened to me recently is this goal and then you can even talk about the goal and then after that and after that you finish talking about you go if you didn't find that interesting i guess the problems with you are not me see you later and then just shut the zoom off yeah exactly mic drop yeah um okay we've got time for one more tommy boy i think so um dear rom tom and lisa uh i love your podcast and both of you uh thanks for the genuine laugh so i really need your advice

i feel like i'm a bit of a crossroads in my life and i don't know which way to go i'm 37 and i live in london i've got a great job in a career that i'm really proud of but it's in a sector that doesn't pay particularly well and as a single, I'm struggling to find my first flat to buy. In fact, the only flat I found that I could afford is way out of central in an area I don't know or like very much, Barking. I'm very close to my parents who live in Yorkshire, which is absolutely beautiful. And during lockdown, especially, I started questioning what the fuck I was doing living in London, which I can't really afford. Well, I could be living up north with beautiful scenery, fresh air and affordable housing.

But if I moved out of London, I would essentially have to throw away my career. If I did move to Yorkshire, my plan would be to take a year out to train to be a teacher as there seems to be a lot of teaching jobs in the area. So I think I'd be able to find a job easily. But I worry that I'm not getting into it for the right reasons. I've been going over and over this conundrum in my head

and I can't decide what the best option is for me. Do I stay in London and buy this flat so I can continue with my career? Or do I move to Yorkshire to pursue a different path? I feel like both of you have been in similar situations. You had to make a big decision to change the path you run, so I'd really appreciate any thoughts and advice

you might have. Tom Davis. Has this person got a name? Yes. I'm so sorry, Tom. You didn't have to say that in as accusatory a way as you did. No, no, no, but I don't remember you saying it. This is from Mary. Yo, Mary.

What up? I think this is actually one of the simplest emails that we've ever had in. And not to simplify your life and the crossroads you found yourself in, but when Romesh is talking about your reading out your email, the one bit where you sound really, really positive and you sound really, really invested and like pro is when you're talking about Yorkshire. And obviously you've got a lot of love for it,

the fresh air, the scenery. Under no circumstance should move to an area where you don't know anyone and you don't like it all for a job that you're not too sure. If you've got the means around you and you've got the way around you that you could potentially train to be a teacher, if that's something that you're invested in and you think that you'd enjoy.

I think my learning friend, I'm sure, will tell you how incredible and how rewarding a job as a teacher can be. But maybe it's not even being a teacher. But I think the main thing is moving. I've done this two or three times where I've moved to an area I don't know anyone. And I'm not too sure about the area. And I'm not necessarily happy there. And it's very hard then to put yourself in a place where you can actually sort of like find that happiness.

and a place where you can actually sort of like find that happiness. So I think for me, I would say look towards moving back up north, being closer to your parents, being closer in a world where you're going to, I think you're just going to enjoy life a little bit more. You sound like that's somewhere that you love. I'd say go for it. Push yourself, push your boundaries know whether it be a teacher or even maybe even you get a job as a lorry driver whatever it should be um i think i think that's the place that you'll find your true happiness and you know you will be you mary i really really

loved the way you handled that tom um i kind of agree with you actually i think that you know mary it feels like it feels like you're close to making your mind up on this and maybe you just want a bit of reassurance. Do you want to explain to the listeners what's just happened? I just had a bite for some granola. It's been sitting there the whole time. Sure, but we're on the last email. I know, but... I thought I wanted to reward myself for helping out Mary

by the way don't talk about the granola like you'd said to me I've got some granola arriving that I'm making it's ready to be 8.30 and then I've gone let's do the podcast then you knew when we're doing the podcast so don't pin it I don't know that you've decided to make

why is it my fault that you've decided to make the granola when you have done? No, no, no, but I was sitting back and just thinking, actually, you know what, I feel really content with that advice from Larry and Ryan and Adam, and I just thought, have a little bite. No, you can go now. What's on the granola? Granola, protein, yoghurt and banana.

He's taken another mouthful, by the way. It's just like Winnie the Pooh, sort of. A beehive. Winnie the Pooh beehive. With a can full of eating off my hand. oh god anyway you enjoy it bro i'm only messing about i shouldn't stop you from eating um look it sounds like to me mary that you that you do like the idea of going to yorkshire um as she said i don't she hasn't said what her job is in London. I'm assuming that it's impossible to follow that job in London, outside of London.

But, look, it sounds like... Look, I would say that your job doesn't define you. I'm not saying it's definite that you should move to Yorkshire, but you should have a think about it, because the truth of it is... Oh, God! Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't you dare. Yeah, sorry. Don't you you dare but your job isn't your life you know is there is there look i think have a look at possible options i would make a list of pros and cons of each scenario and you will immediately it's not

even about how many there are in each thing you will have a feeling you'll just know what you want to do and do that thing but you know is there a possibility where you can have the best of both worlds where for example you carry on doing your job in london you're in london for the week and then you go back to yorkshire at the weekends you're actually living in yorkshire whatever i don't know what that might be or you're working from home for part of it like explore all of the solutions because being in a job that means you have to live somewhere that you don't really like is awful and i understand i like i love london but i personally wouldn't want to live there i don't think tom would either i've lived there yeah so well me too and it's it's great but i just i understand where you're coming from so you know do what makes you happy and if

that means yorkshire which i can totally understand and then live in yorkshire but the truth is you you and you alone really know what what you want to do i think what romsha says you you're not living to work you're working to live or is that all no you don't want to live to work you know you're living to work when actually you need to work to live is that what you said yeah i think so yeah tom got it work to live. Is that what you said? Yeah, I think so. Tom got it right. Tom got it right. That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

Yeah. And Mary, have a look at your opportunities. You have a look at the pros and cons. You decide what you want to do and you do that thing to the max. Wow. Throw it back in the max. And Mary, right now, I'll put my hand up.

Yo, there we go. That is a high five for Mary. Keep rocking and rolling, girl. You got this. What a wonderful thing to do, to high five someone that's emailed in on this audio podcast. Thank you so much, Tom, once again, for showing such a complete mastery of the medium.

Tom, what are you up to for the rest of the day I've got some writing very exciting project that I'm doing and and then I'm going to you're allowed to say what the project is

I can't yeah I can't disclose that kind of information and then I am going to hit some golf balls at the golf range lovely you've now got the bug, haven't you?

I had my first golf lesson the other day. How are you feeling about it? I loved it. I loved it. I'm in. I'm in. I can't wait to literally break open a couple of golf protein drinks, Max Golf protein drinks, ice cold, pineapple flavour,

and just hit some balls together down the old long fairway en route to Valley Green. Where should we play our first game of golf? Am I coming to you? No, no, no, no. We're going to play it somewhere quite exclusive and we'll have a nice bit of food afterwards. So I'm going to shout out now and say,

yo, if you've got an amazing golf course, maybe you want to host the Tom and Rom inaugural golf cup. Give us a shout. Well done. Well done for saying inaugural, despite being completely unsure about how to pronounce it or whether it's a real word or not. Get in touch.

Because that is, it could be like the Ryder Cup. We could have two teams. You're captain of one, I'm captain of the other. We could do it for charity. Oh, shit. I've just had one lesson. I don't think I'm ready for that. Yeah, but I've only been playing for nine months.

Yeah, okay, you're right, we're the same. No, what I'm saying is we can pick teams, like the Ryder Cup,

we'll do it for a charity like Calm. Okay. And yeah, it'll be big teams. sweet, hit us up. Thank you so much once again

for listening to The Wolf for now. Any problems or issues or feedback, wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We will see you next time. Take and peace i love you guys i seriously do