Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #20

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

First up - dealing with spots, banter with strangers on public transport, dying on stage and the pitfalls of corporate gigs. Then we tackle some of your emails about favourite sitcoms, a housemate’s update, buying clothes for your weight-conscious partner and a tricky situation with a misplaced rabbit. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Yeah, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves. Yeah. Welcome, wowsers. Welcome. Wowzers. What begins with buh, what begins with buh and ends with nuss. Yeah, bonus episode. You made it sound like something that, like an omission.

Oh no, I've got so much. Do you ever, do you ever have that thing where you just got like a little spot and bonus is coming out of it? You have that? It's just weeping. It's just weeping? It's just weeping. My pants last night. It's just weeping. It's just weeping bonus. Do you get spots? I did get spots.

I don't tend to get spots now, no. Not really. I have a thing in the summer. I'll get a couple of spots on the back of my neck. I'll wear sweats. Yeah, we had a nickname about that on King Garo. Vesuvius. It wasn't really that imaginative.

It was Spotneck. Spotneck. I genuinely get so fucking paranoid about them. When I go into them. Yeah. I sort of say, I think to myself, I'd rather them anywhere, like anywhere else on my face or my body than my neck.

You'd rather them anywhere on your face. Now, this is a classic. This is absolutely classic, this pessimistic kind of outlook. It's patently not true that you'd rather them anywhere on your body or your face. Would you like it on your eyelid? No, they're not like that. But if they're on your face, you can at least know they're there and keep an eye on them.

Yeah, that's what I like. Do you know what? Rather than them being sort of out of sight, out of mind, I'd much rather every single time I looked in the mirror, as confident as I am when I look in the mirror anyway,

I'd like an additional decoration. I think with something like a spot, you want to be able to see what it's doing rather than it fucking, you know. Like, I always feel it's a bit like, you know, we're in Stranger Things when he puts the sort of, like, horrible thing in the jar,

whatever it was called, and it grows into something even worse. It takes over the whole world nearly. Yeah. That's what I worry about with spots. Right. But while it's back there, I mean, what a massive lack of trust

you've got in Catherine there that you don't think she'd warn you. Oh, she's amazing. If the spot on your neck was turning into a interdimensional alien. She's amazing. But what, what,

what my worry is, is if it's just on your face and like I'm walking down the street and I see you, right. And you see a spot on my face, we both know it's there. Okay. Yeah.

We know it's there. If I'm going down the escalators on the tube and someone's behind me and they're like, you know, with their friend or whatever and they nudge them

and go, Sebastian, look, and they'll point at the spot. But I don't know they're pointing at the spot and they think they've seen it, but I don't know it's there.

Yeah. Yeah. What's your problem with that? Well, it's just like everyone at the spot knows. It feels like everyone else is in on the joke apart from me. Yeah, great.

Perfect. That's ideal. You know, like when people say, you know, talking about people behind their backs and all that. Love it. Really? Yeah, if you hate me and you think I'm shit and you want to not say that to me

and you want to keep it to yourself and just talk about it with your mates, but ideal. Do you know what I mean? I don't know about it. If there's a spot on the back of my neck that's bothering you and you're pointing at it without me ever finding out thank you i mean like i constantly i'm thinking what are they thinking about yeah yeah i i have a i have a thing now where i sort of got to the age and obviously i've always had to do you worry sometimes

that we talk about being unattractive too much on this podcast no i mean i'm not talking about unattractive i'm saying about spots no but i'm about i'm about i'm about to say what you feel brother so what you feel i've got to the point now where i feel sort of so unattractive and getting older if i ever accidentally my eye contact with a woman, like, you know, like when you just sat on a tube or something like that or whatever, I feel like I have

to apologise. Do you know what I mean? Because I feel like I just look so... sort of creepy and horrible. What do you do? Just, like,

shake your head? Mate, I accidentally made eye contact with a girl while she was eating recently. Yeah, but that's not... No matter what your age,

that's not cool to do. Like staring at people when they're eating. No, no, no. Okay. Look how massively you changed what happened there. Instantly. I said I accidentally made eye contact with someone while they were eating, right?

And you've gone, oh, well, that's not right. You're staring at a girl while masturbating while she's eating. I said... Right, okay. You had like a little sneaky look at her. I didn't have a sneaky... No, no, no, no, no, you had like a little sneaky look at her. I didn't have a sneaky,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, not even that. I accidentally made eye contact with her. Okay, what was she eating? A sandwich. It was, it was a,

it was a sandwich where, like, this stuff was all falling out the bottom of it. Oh, jeez. Yeah, it was, you know,

she was having a tough time. What you should have done is made a joke out of it. As I picked up over there, across the 45 minutes that I watched her dealing with it. You should have made a joke about it, though. No, that's worse to me. You know, because a girl is struggling with a sandwich and then she's like, oh, God, nobody sees this.

And then somebody makes eye contact that she's not sure if it's eye contact or not because they're not both looking in the same direction. And then you go, oh, struggling with that, are you? And she thinks, oh, no, I'm in a fucking conversation with this geezer now. No, you don't say it like that, obviously. You turn around and say, yeah, bloody sandwiches. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Do you know what I think about that about about saying that what you've done now is you've given her a problem you've given her another problem right she's already got the issue of dealing with a sandwich and now you've got this thing that requires a response and you know what men are like do you mean it's like what she's worried about now is if she thinks i do not want to talk to this predatory looking man who's just addressed me while i'm struggling with this sandwich, right? And now I've got to respond, because if I don't respond,

he'll probably go, stuck up, bitch. Do you know what I mean? But you haven't got that vibe to you. You've got a very, very sensitive, sweet vibe to you. No, no, no, no. You think that, bro, because we know each other. But, like, you know, a stranger doesn't know that. Have you...

Look at me. Do you think I have that sweet sensitive vibe to me people often talk about i've got resting prick face i mean like and i told you this story last night we were tom came and did league of their own last night yeah and um we were chatting about it afterwards and i told you about i was doing this that gig in manchester yeah and um and like i was doing this corporate and this that i was a surprise guest and they got me from the hope that i wasn't allowed to leave the hotel room and they took me down this back route to the gig and the woman's briefing me as i'm heading down to the gig and then midway through she just goes can i can i just ask you

something and i go yeah she goes do you do you actually want to be here and I was like sorry what she goes it's just I've been talking to you about this gig it just seems like you absolutely

hate every minute of it and then I just have to explain to her that's just how I am it's just it's just my energy is that I kind of come across like

I don't want to be somewhere do you know what I mean horrendous so then imagine that energy in a train while you're eating

a sandwich some of the stuff's... Okay. And then he goes, oh, sandwiches, eh? Okay, I need to call the fucking police. Or you just shake your head and just go, bloody hell, mate. Or you immediately look away, as I did, and just let her deal with that without the added pressure

of having to have a social interaction. That's kind of how I played it. Yeah. I've always got to enjoy a chat sometimes on the tube, so. Yeah, well, this is exactly where you and I, you know, we've got a lot in common. There's a lot of things we agree

on, but this is where our paths diverge massively. I wouldn't have said that the truth of the matter is in that situation I don't think I'd have said anything I probably would have just shit my head and laughed right? Yeah. But Also unacceptable by the way

you said that like that's also unacceptable. If she was really struggling. I want you to imagine the embarrassment of struggling with a sandwich. You look up some oaf just looks at you and starts laughing. What? Okay, let me think. Somebody with an oafish vibe that you don't know is actually a sweet, sweet, lovely man.

Yeah, but the difference between you is, right, you have a resting bitch face, right? Yeah. I have a resting, like, smile. Like, my vibe is very much, like, trying to sort of keep that. So I would have probably... Sorry, are you telling me that you walk around with a smile constantly on your face? Is that what you're saying?

All the time, but, you know, if I'm enjoying something and I'm sort of in a happy sort of place, I'll have a little sort of smile on my face. You'll be sitting on the tube smiling. Yeah place I'll have a little sort of smile on my face you'll be sitting on the tube smiling yeah I'll have a little smile on the tube if this puts you in direct contradiction with everybody else on the tube have you ever

chatted to someone and made sort of like on the tube? yeah really? yeah by the way before people we've had a conversation like this before because do you remember the time when you were talking about chatting to people in the pub? Yeah.

And I sort of talked about how unacceptable I found that. We did get a couple of emails from people going that my attitude was typical unfriendly southerner, you know, like because, and Freddie's talked about this, where like northerners would like generally, and I know these are sweeping generalisations, but would generally talk to each other and be more friendly and if you're on a train or something you'll talk you know people to talk and stuff and even when like we spent when i spent some time in america not so much new york new york's really quite unfriendly but in la people would just talk

to you in the supermarket and shit like that and And on public, well, I've never got public transport in LA. I don't think anyone does, but like people, people just chat to you. But on the tube, if somebody started talking to me, I mean, it's a bit different if you get recognized, I have had chats with people.

I'm talking about non-recognized. So for example, if the tube stops in a tunnel, right. And you're there, like I always count to like three minutes and then if we're there for over that i will make a joke or i will say something to the people around me do you know let me tell you something if i had the ordeal of being stuck

in a tunnel for three minutes wondering when this thing was to start going again the thing that i wouldn't want to happen is a stranger look me in the eye and make a joke absolutely the last thing I'd want go on I'll say something so what would you say what would you say we've been in the tunnel for three minutes

right so okay how many people are in this tube is it rush hour or is it sort of like 15, 20 let's go I don't know let's go Russia

okay what would you do in Russia rush hour I'm standing I've got people around me 15, 20? Let's go, I don't know. Let's go for, let's go Russia. Okay, what would you do in Russia? I'm standing. I've got people around me. Been there for like around two minutes. I'm just looking around, just sort of sensing the vibe, sensing what everyone's about.

This is when what, you start writing the material, isn't it? Yeah. I start playing out the next, I'm thinking, well, we could be here for five. We could be here for 10. I need to lace this next line. So then I wait for the three minute deadline. I look around and go, don'm thinking, well, we could be here for five, we could be here for ten, I need to, like, fucking lace this, lace this next line.

So then I wait for the three minute deadline, I look around and go, don't worry mate, I'm not in a rush. Oh my God. Who are you talking to? Who's the mate that you're talking to? No,

I'll look around the people, and I'll just make sure I've got a couple of people there, that sort of, that know I'm about to drop a fucking, a bit of a line, and I'll go, don't worry mate, I'm not in a fucking bit of a line and I'll go, don't worry, mate, I'm not in a rush.

Do you know what I would do if I didn't know you and you made that joke? I would actually deliberately try and make eye contact with somebody to give you the fucking eye rolling of your life. Right, that's the difference between me

because you might not like that. There will always be naysayers, right? I won't naysay you, I'll just silently hate you. And then that. There will always be naysayers, right? I won't naysay you. I'll just silently hate you. And then other people around will go, yeah, exactly, mate. Yeah, either am I. Look at their watch.

And then if I get a good vibe back, I'll then sort of launch into a couple more things. See, there you go. And that's the risk that you run there because now these people are thinking, okay, he's dropped that absolute fucking egg after three minutes. God knows what's going to happen after 10 or 15.

I have done it. I have. I've done that a couple of times. A few times I've come in and I've laced it and I've actually sort of from there, I've had a good vibe. There's been, I've actually, I've saved the moment. You haven't saved the moment.

But what I will hold on my hands and say, I've seen you in, not in a stuck in a tube situation, but I have seen you sort of riffing with strangers and stuff and doing that stuff. You are actually very good at it. You're a master of the craft. Yeah, but. So maybe it's jealousy talking on my part.

It has backfired somewhat. I've been in those situations and I've said something and someone's sort of like tutted or someone in the tube goes, yeah, all right, mate, we all know it, yeah. And sort of like, yeah. And then it's all...

Hold on, Tom. Genuinely. Has that honestly happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not after the first line. It's happened when I've sort of made a couple of jokes. We're 20 minutes into the fucking Netflix special that you're delivering without anybody's request.

And then there's been, I remember quite distinctly, one guy was like, oh, mate, it's bad enough. Or something like that, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Limited oxygen in there, mate. You're taking it all up with your hack routine about public transport. I remember

getting stuck on the train and then I was on there for like, we were stuck on the train for about an hour and a half and there was a load of people who were going to the rugby and they had tickets and that was the hardest crowd that I've ever played to. Oh my God, just keep quiet. Put your headphones on, look down

and hope to God nobody interacts with you. That's my strategy. My worry is that everyone's going to be, there's animosity that's going to be rife after a while, and aggression's going to start seeping in. Yeah. And what do you do with a fire? You don't wait for it to become a burning blaze before you put it out.

You get to it when it's in its infancy. Well, that's the difference between you and I, you know, because you see silence as a fire whereas i see it as something nice to just sort of enjoy for a bit yeah but the train wise mate and i don't know if you've ever been stuck on a train for a little length of time i have i have yeah you you know yourself that there's a rumbling underneath that's always going to come out and bite you on the butt so you've really got to pay heed to it and that's what our job is in life yeah i don't i just don't agree you know if somebody looks like they need help then you know i'll happily check if somebody looks like they're stressed out i will calm them down we'll say something to reassure them what i won't do

is look around and think to myself well seems like we've found ourselves with a little audience here. You know, this is the saddest thing that I've just remembered. On that train that was there stuck for an hour and a half, I went to the toilet, but I didn't need to go to the toilet. I just went to walk past people's tables and make sure everyone was all right and sort of chat to people. I walked down the aisle just going, you all right, everything all right? Honestly, I don't know if there'll be any one of those people

that think you're a better person as a result of you having done that. I didn't do it to me. I was just genuinely worried about people. What do you mean you're genuinely worried about people? You walked up and... If you're worried about people, leave them the fuck alone. I've also seen you, by the way. It's like after we did house of fools

where we get the train back from manchester what was it what was it you were saying you actually hope you actually went up to a member of staff on the train as we're walking down we're walking down to the uh you'd be unsurprised to hear that tom and i were walking down to the refreshments carriage and um and we walked past a member of staff and he went, oh mate, there's somebody back there causing a right load of trouble.

I'd get down there as soon as I could if I was you. I like your joke with the old train staff. It's not a joke, is it? You've wasted their time. That was one of my favourite ever train journeys

because you were, I was worried about you because it was a long old train journey. It was a long old train journey off the back of dying on my ass on the set of house of fools we both died it was terrible it was awful it was uh it's a lovely experience for all the regular cast who are so loved by many and uh even on the train it was like they were loved they were like sort of celebrated it was in it was insane and then it was like we're we're fucking west ham playing at millwall it was insane man it was just like you and i you and i you and i backstage watching all these all the regulars deliver their lines to absolute fucking rapturous

like laughter and ovations and then we managed to convince ourselves that we might get something like that. We go out there, fucking, I'm doing better in this conversation than I did on House of Fools. Mate, I've had better train gigs. I've had better tube gigs. You know that feeling we were talking about yesterday? That thing where when you die,

and you die badly on stage or in any sort of comedy arena, the feeling that everyone else around you knows you've died and knows you've had an absolute ricker. And then you're like, they don't even make eye contact with you. It's almost like, it's like they can't talk.

They can't even bring themselves to say anything to you. It's the worst feeling. Yeah. It's, it's, it's much worse when you're first starting out because people don't have because often the other thing i'd say about comedians is and it's true of us as well is that however somebody does the first time you see them is kind of what you carry with you as your opinion of them for a while and it it takes a few good

gigs to kind of shake that do you mean yeah so I mean? Yeah. And so because of that, you're aware that that's how other people perceive it, right? So then when you have a terrible gig, to go into the green room and just to go, not only do the audience out there think I'm shit, but now this group of my peers think I'm shit as well. It's horrendous. But now, like, for example,

if you and I, you know, you and I gig together every now and again, if I see you die on your ass, I would just find it funny because I know that you're funny. Like, it's not like I'm not watching somebody's shit die. If somebody's shit dies, it's a horrible thing to watch. If somebody great dies, I actually quite enjoy it. Because I can't wait to talk about it.

I think when you start out, the feeling is, it's like you've sort of caught something, and everyone just... I remember doing it, and I even remember the people in the room, and I was fairly new to stuff. I think the first time I died was probably my fourth gig. I was like really fucking... You know that thing of the gigs you do before,

you probably haven't done that well, but you just caught up in the adrenaline. But I remember dying really so badly in my fourth gig, and then just looking around the room, just sort of like for someone experienced to come over and say oh you know what it's fine that happens don't worry about it yeah yeah but everyone sort of like was like putting their stuff together and just staring over like oh no like yeah i doubt it'll be back type thing and me being a positive guy i was trying to make the most out of it yeah like like sort of yeah that's all right oh yeah it's bloody ass might see you next week oh it's horrible it was sort of like

leaving the room and there's about eight audience members it was just yeah i did i did a corporate gig right and it was um oh actually i better not name the company because it went pretty badly but anyway it was like a it was like a rewards weekend for them. So they'd made their sales targets for the year or something. So it's a big company-wide, have a weekend of entertainment and food and booze or whatever to say, well done. So I was booked to do the gig. And I turned up at this, and they took me to this hotel room

to chill in until my starting time. I was with Flo's brother, actually. like to do the gig and I turned up at this and they took me to this hotel room to like chill into my starting time I was with uh I was with Flo's brother actually Flo my agent Flo her brother was like do my like drove me there to the gig or whatever uh John and um so we were we were we turned up at this hotel room the bloke like running the gig or that booked me was going look he was getting me look i know that some corporate gigs are a bit stuffy they're a bit difficult but trust me you're gonna have a great time tonight it's gonna be like you know it's not like these regular gigs these lot are crazy they love a good time i think you're gonna find it a little bit different to usual thing immediately alarm bells start

ringing for me right you know i mean because what what he what he's basically saying to me is all these people think they're really, really funny. It's the worst thing. I said to John, I'm a bit nervous about this now. We go down to the gig. The guy gives me

an insane introduction. So over the top. This next geezer, possibly one of the greatest comedians in the world and we've managed to get him here for you. Next, like, unbelievable. People have wanted to book him. Nobody could, like, just really, like, so much fanfare.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I come on, right? Honestly, there is more crowd noise on this Zoom than there was in the room. Like, I was doing bits doing bits like doing my routine to to nothing to nothing not even i was it's like i was performing to a photograph of the audience they just sat there completely still and silent right i do my time because one of the things about corporates is no matter how much you're dying if you don't do your time you might not

get paid right so i did 20 minutes probably did about three hours worth of material in that time because there was no gaps for laughter i i leave the stage i say to john let's get the fuck out of her as quick as we can right we run out of the back of the thing get lost in the sort of maze of the downstairs area of that hotel end up right. Walking towards the door that the audience are coming out of after my set. And literally as I'm walking up the corridor, I hear a bloke go, I mean, he was one of the shittest comics I've seen in a long time.

Right. I mean, it looks at me and possibly one of the only examples of eye contact that I would say is worse than sandwich girl we make eye contact we both we both know without saying anything to each other what has just happened and we kind of i can't expect you in that second we make an agreement that we're not going to acknowledge this any further and then i just turn around and sort of run away in the other direction absolutely Absolutely rank.

Anyway, we're supposed to be doing emails. Have you ever done a birthday? Have you ever done a birthday? Just quickly. Yeah, I've ever done a birthday. They're the worst as a stand-up. I get a lot of messages and I just, and you know, if we can spread the word here, and I'm going to spread the word on your behalf as well.

Tom and I will not do birthdays or weddings or anything like that. I won't be doing stand-up at them anyway. No. Because let me just say something. If you think it's a good idea to have a stand-up that your family don't know at your wedding or your birthday, let me just tell you this.

It's not a good idea. Let me say the worst thing about doing them at birthdays, and recently a friend of mine asked me, he actually asked me if me and you would go and do a spot. And I said, look, the truth is with these things, right. With,

with, when it comes to doing these at weddings and birthdays, it's probably only about 5% of the audience, uh, even keen to sort of see a standup. The rest of the people want to be chatting to people. I haven't seen for a while enjoying the fucking birthday. I did a birthday and Essex, right.

I went out on stage and like yourself, it was like the guy again, uh, it was in sort of like murder and success was in its pump he sort of introduced me and he was like I didn't even know this guy I did stand up with very fortunately you know I get up and it was agonizingly you know more people was just walking away really you know they had the option of sort of standing and watching me in this sort of tent thing they'd marquee they'd put up or being outside uh and everyone by the end of it there was like the guy who booked me who was really sort of like trying to you know uh it was his wife's birthday i think and you know she sort of could you could see her just sort of like wanting to get out of there but he'd sort of go let's stay it's really funny um i think he was enjoying the fact i died really badly

and then i sort of came on stage wanting to cry just wanting to cry like genuinely like thinking this has been awful and knowing that I had about fucking two odd hours to get home and then he turned around

and was like oh man that was great that was brilliant I was like it was why did everyone leave and he was like oh yeah no a lot of them don't really like stand up

but you know da da da oh my god so then he said I'll stay for a beer and sort of like network a bit why did everyone leave? And he was like, oh yeah, no, a lot of them don't really like stand up. But you know, oh God. So then he said, I'll stay for a beer and sort of like network a bit and chat to people. And I ended up staying there for like two and a half, three hours. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why? Why? I think this is, this was my way of dealing with it.

Right. And it's just pathetic i have a i have a really sad version of myself which is like i want people to go yeah he wasn't that funny but he was a really nice guy and and i sort of thought really ruin this girl's birthday if i stay around so i individually went round and started doing my bits of my set sort of dropping them into conversation with various members of the family. It's just sort of like, I go over and talk to a group

and sort of crack a few jokes. I mean, it's an incredibly time inefficient way, but I can see how that would work. By the end of it, my ego was slightly back. I felt better about myself and actually felt like, you know what? I had made some people laugh who were at the party by walking over and just going,

you know, and having a bit of a crack at them. Yeah. So my reaction to that would be, I've been wrong on my shranger, Nathan. Thank you very much. I hope you enjoy your birthday. I would have walked off stage, literally, into a car and never got in touch with anyone again

because I'd have just been so mortified. But I actually think that your strategy was quite, you know what? I'm going to tell you this now. It took guts. Thank you, brother. It took courage.

It showed a kindness of spirit in you that you felt like you hadn't done the job properly. So you wanted to make amends for that. And I think it's just one of the myriad of reasons that I think you're a wonderful bloke. Well done. Thank you. Just quickly.

The guy just tried to haggle me down for my paper. After you spent three hours there. Yeah. oh but mate if you're listening to this you're an absolute prick i doubt anyone at that birthday party's tuning into anything i've done subsequently to that party in today's economy saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching. It takes skill. Speed.

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Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong. The New Empire. Now playing only in theaters. Right. Time for some emails. Once again, thank you to The Swan, who I'm going to be honest with you, I had a little bit of a moment with this week.

She probably won't want me to share this on the podcast, but I'm going to. I accepted a delivery of two huge boxes that were supposed to be to the house that we're moving into. Oh, no. And so we've now got two massive boxes. So to give you an idea of what happened, she went to the house to accept the delivery. She's been taking care of it.

She's phoned up the company three or four times to clarify that it needs to go to that address, she told me that's what she was doing, I was at home, so bearing in mind she's given me that information the delivery has turned up at this house and me just being in the middle of

whatever, being a pathetic man, can't multitask, I've seen this delivery and rather than going this must be what lisa told me about and why she's at the other house i've just accepted the delivery i then phone lisa and i said there's two massive boxes and that poor woman has to deal with the fact that not only has she wasted her time waiting at this other house but her dickhead of a husband phoned her to tell her that he's accepted the delivery

that she's told him about. I mean, it was bad. I just want to take this opportunity to say to the Swan, I'm really sorry. Wow. And I love you.

Did she shout at you? No, she didn't shout. She's never shouted at me. Really? Yeah, but she wasn't happy. She was not happy. We don't really shout. It's more kind of uh i would say it goes quieter rather than louder i think we're going badly um right time for our first email of the bonus

episode uh hi swan owl and wolf firstly i have to say how much me and my husband love this pod thank you for all the laughs i'm a huge fan of sitcoms my top three are constantly changing my number one is always only fools but after that i struggle to huge fan of sitcoms my top three constantly changing my number one is always only fools but after that i struggle to choose some of my favorites are the office uk and us outnumbered motherland one foot in the grave abfab friends and of course king gary but the list is endless so my question to you guys is what is your top three thanks gang keep doing you and as always take it to the max your main girl the red the red squirrel. The red squirrel? Yeah. Where is this?

My favourite. I wonder why she specified red squirrel. Is it because of this ongoing anti-immigration narrative of people hating grey squirrels? Yeah. Oh. You love politics, don't you? Oh.

Anyway, go on on that was so funny it was so it was like you know the way you said that was like a mate that you're just so tired

of bringing it bringing the conversation always back to fucking the state of the country it's ah god here we go we're talking about

what to have for lunch and this guy's talking about the the lunch choices lunch. And this guy's talking about the lunch choices representing the colonialism of the British Empire. Anyway, go on, sir. I think the office would have to be out there for me. I'd agree with that. The Swan has picked this email out without...

I mean, it's a very difficult question to answer, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's a very difficult question to answer, isn't it? Yeah, I'd say I'd say Fools or Modern Family. I'd say my favourite, the one that I think is Eastbound and Down, I think would be Oh my God! I think it's an incredible piece of work. So,

so good. Eastbound and Down. If you've not watched Eastbound and Down, watch it right now. Press pause on the podcast. Go away and watch every episode of Eastbound and Down, watch it right now. Press pause on the podcast. Go away and watch every episode of Eastbound and Down and then come back and listen to the rest of it. Sweet Danny McBride is the guy. Danny McBride is pretty much great in everything, I'd say. He's incredible.

And like, yeah, just he gets it. He gets it big. Felt like we were having a real conversation there no no no you sort of did something because it's quite performative there i don't know what you were trying to achieve he's uh he's very good man he's very he's really good he's really good so eastbound and down i really like and i know i'm talking about american ones here but i really like it's always sunny yeah it's sunny in philadelphia. It's really good. I love that. That show, I think what I found,

so for those people that don't know anything about it, it's about these four people that run a bar. Danny DeVito's in it. But they're all so unlikable. Yeah. They're all such terrible people. Whenever, you know this, whenever you're writing about, or whenever you're taught about writing or told about how to write sitcom and stuff,

or anything actually, you know, it's always like you've got to have characters that people want to root for. And the easiest way to do that is to make your characters really likeable. What's more difficult is to make your characters flawed and horrible, but still have the audience root for them.

It's a really difficult thing to manage and they do that so well. I'll tell you, if you go back to sort of look at the one that broke the wheel in a lot of ways and and i think you can see shades of it and everything i think seinfeld was uh you go back and see what incredible bit of work that because that essentially is that it's for people who aren't particularly nice people yeah yeah yeah but actually if you look at go back and look at storylines for it how many of those storylines wound up becoming a storyline in friends or modern family or anything it's sort of like it was so brave in its content seinfeld it uh you know obviously because now when you watch

curb you see you'd see stuff that larry david's clearly gone that was my version of this uh that could go out at 9 o'clock or whatever or 8.30 whenever Seinfeld went out and this is my version that can go out and curb that's going to be slightly more hard and Seinfeld is I think I could actually think about my top three

if there's anything that you look at as a work of art that you can go oh that's how you interwine three storylines. That's how you get four main characters and get them into an episode. Seinfeld's the basis we're all working from. I mean, I know we all love The Office

and it's an incredible piece of work. The American Office is also amazing. It ran on for so much longer, obviously. Yeah. But some of the stories that they drop and pick up much later and things that are introduced that pay off maybe even one or two series later are just incredible yeah it's just he's amazing as well who steve carell yeah he's just yeah he's phenomenal he's great But then even like in the later series after he leaves, it's really sad when he leaves,

but like when they've got like Robert California running the office and, you know, Andy Bernard's running it and all of those, even after, I mean, the Steve Carell episodes probably are the best, I think, but even after, it's still great. I mean, it's, yeah, it's a great show. Have you seen a film he's done called Welcome to Marlon? No, I've not seen it.

Oh, my God. So good. So, yeah, it's really sad. Yeah. Yeah, really sad. It's about a guy who plays with his toys, but, yeah, he's had an awful time.

Oh, shit, I know. I've seen, yeah, yeah, it looks wicked, though. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so there you go. I hope that's answered your question. Neither of us gave you a top three, but, you know, what you're gonna do it's a tough question next up hi rom tom and swan

hi guys the last time i contacted you was this is a a repeat email this is from the tap here remember the tap oh yeah yeah yeah yeah what did you think he's what did you think he'd got wrong or something you thought i can't remember anyway the last time i contacted you i was venting about the loss of my camembert dish as a result i blasted my housemates for breaking it however there have been some recent developments since i started since i shared the start of this story with you listeners um i feel it's only right that i provide some closure to my build to build them and i recently found said camembert dish,

fully intact, sitting at the back of the cupboard I rarely use. Of course, I was happy to see it again, but I couldn't help wondering where I'd got the impression it'd been broken in the first place. I mentioned in the last email that the housemates aren't the tidiest of people. This paired with the fact I couldn't find the thing for almost seven months means I must have just assumed that they'd broken it at some point. Of course, now I feel like a prize idiot. Not only have I blamed them for something they never did, but to think this misunderstanding is now being broadcast to hundreds of people. I think you'll find it's thousands, mate.

I'm feeling pretty crummy right now. I'm glad I'll be eating camembert again. However, I'd like to treat this whole situation as a life lesson, or rather a few life lessons rolled into one. This guy really has really gone to town on this. So lesson one, Reserve thy judgment. Yes, these guys are dead messy, but what matters is they're kind, harmless people. At the end of the day, would you rather live with messy sweethearts

or tidy wankers? Lesson two. Don't name call. Describing these guys as swines is a bit harsh. Pigs are, in fact, more intelligent than dogs and have a lot going for them. Sort of a contradiction there. Can you hear screaming? Yeah, a little bit. You know the problem with our children

is that they scream for anything. So that could be that he's just done well on Injustice on the PlayStation or that someone's trying to kill him. It's just the same noise for every situation. So anyway, lesson three three never ever assume it makes an ass of you and me and lesson four i know you heard this before never get high on your own supply wait that's something else okay i'm gonna i'm gonna level with you tap here this needed to

just be one lesson okay because a lot of these are repetitious and the last one i think i think tap here the lesson we can all take away from it is you uh you shot your gun without looking at the target and uh you should have yeah you flew off at the hip of these guys um and i thought you know i think from the hip yeah yeah yeah shot off there uh i think uh i think well you could ask us all to learn the lesson i think the person who mainly needs to learn the lesson is you, in fact. And actually, do you know when you hear something and you... I don't know. I actually feel for the housemates here.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Because, you know, at first, when we first had the tapio, I really felt sorry for the tapio. And I think, you know... and actually now when you hear this, you think actually the Tapio might be the sort of fly in the ointment of this house. Oh, my God.

That's pretty harsh for me. Why do you think that? I don't know. I think that the Tapio's come in. He's written, they've written to us, right? Yeah. I remember at the time feeling very sorry for the tapir. And now when you break this down.

Now, as you've said, as you've said the name repeatedly, I've remembered what the issue is. So it's tapir. Yeah. T-A-P-I-R. Yeah. And I remember last time you said you thought that it was tapir misspelled. Yeah.

The fish. And now you repeatedly refer to them as the tapir. So now, thank you for reminding me what happened. Well, I mean, what do you think about this? Personally, I'd like to speak to the housemates, really. Look, I think the tapir is... Look, they've jumped to conclusions, but at the same time,

if the camembert dish has been missing for seven months, then it's reasonable to assume it's been broken. What I would say... Just quickly as well, just quickly, I'm just going to throw this in. If you care that much about the camembert dish, and it's just in the back of another cupboard, how much do you care that you didn't look for it that hard?

Okay, you've really gone for being quite reluctant to criticise the tapir, to really fucking going in two-footed now. No, I'm just saying. My issue is less about the not looking for it and more that just sort of ask the housemates. Yeah. Anyway, the point is, look,

the truth is that it's a happy ending. The camembert dish is there. And it's also, just to sort of make you feel a little bit bad the address for my pub tapir runs a pub is enclosing this email would love to pour you guys a pint one day and apologize in person for wasting your time talking about camembert well yeah in that case i would love whereabouts is the pub well in that case i don't think you should go to the pub you've like how can you fucking 180 like that because there's a free project you just described you just described the tap here is the fly in the ointment of his home situation where is the pub it's in sheffield all right it's not too far away actually well no what oh yeah it's quite a long

way but if we're ever in sheffield i want to meet the housemates and just get everyone together and go i could bang your bloody heads together, you lot, you bloody nutters. You bloody, him and his camembert, you and you lot and your lack of tidiness, honestly. It's like a sitcom.

It'd be a dreadful sitcom that'd be cancelled after the first series, but sitcom nonetheless. Okay. Want another? Yes, my darling. I think you do.

My darling. Hello to the dearest wolf, owl, swan and cat. Wow, the cat gets, by the way. I think you do. My darling. Hello to the dearest Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat. Wow, the Cat kids. That's nice. Yeah. First of all, I wanted to say how much I enjoy your podcast. Your sensitive humor and words of advice are so lovely

and easy, easy to listen to. May I also say how pleasantly surprised I am about how you've spoken about women in a positive and balanced way. Not that I'd assumed you were both sexist, but it's refreshing to hear two grown men speak about women and about how other men should speak about women in a balanced way not that i'd assumed you were both sexist but it's refreshing to hear two grown men speak about women and how about how other men should speak about women in a balanced way so thank you i'm writing to you both to ask you for some advice regarding my lovely husband we've been married for eight years and over these years i've gotten to know i've gotten to him i've gotten to know him his best and worst bits fairly well this lovely man has always struggled with his weight

he's never happy with how he looks and since i've known him his weight has always fluctuated along with his self-esteem obviously it's both of you have openly discussed this in the past brackets possibly too much i did that because of my own self self-consciousness she hasn't said that uh there are many issues involved with this when his weight is at the lower end of the scales he will happily buy himself clothes lovely good quality clothes that he's proud of however the rest of the time he refuses to buy clothes for work or anything else his current clothes are in such bad taste washed out holes in his trousers buttons missing on shirts i've approached the subject on various occasions with him and he's refusing to buy new clothes because he's not his target weight my question to you both

is what do i do about this do i go and buy him new clothes although he's told me in the past that he hates the clothes i buy him even though i try and buy exactly the ones exactly like the ones he has or do i let him stay in the same clothes both for the clothes I buy him, even though I try and buy exactly the ones he has. Or do I let him stay in the same clothes, both for work or for social times, despite the bedraggled appearance? I hope you can shed some light on this problem. Many thanks.

Your number one Northern Irish fan. Tom, I imagine you've got a bit to say on this, my dear. Shout out to Northern Ireland, for a start. Yeah, thanks for listening. It's a difficult one, isn't it? Because I'm at the moment in a position where I've lost a bit of timber and moving into... I've literally just got, like a snake, just got rid of loads of my old sheaths, my old skins.

How have you managed to make that sound disgusting? What's actually happened is you've lost some weight and you've got rid of some of your old clothes. That's all you need to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a snake getting rid of its old sheets. It's just horrendous. Just in my head.

It's got a snake throwing away some used Johnnies. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really?

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I wonder if a snake could use a Johnny as a coat yeah that's a great question email into thewolfoutpod at gmail.com if there's any like what they call reptilians who look after reptiles yeah reptilians i think are creatures of from the reptile world all right i don't think you'd go into a pet shop and go got any reptilians about no reptilians are experts on reptiles no are you sure No. I'll look it up.

Reptilians, I'm sure are. Okay, let me look it up for you and I'm just going to read the definition whatever it is to you because...

So, reptilians. Reptilians are blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting, extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids

with only one objective in their cold-blooded little heads. Okay. So, I think reptilian is what you refer to as a human. You know, like David Icke using sort of reptilian overl. So I think reptilian is what you refer to it, a human.

You know, like David Icke. Oh, yeah. He's a sort of reptilian overlord. I think that's what it is. I don't know too much about David Icke, but I don't like his buzz. Anyway, back to the question in hand. I think it's very hard when you're carrying weight

to feel good about yourself. For me, anyway, when I'm carrying excess, I'm overweight i generally put everything on and just go oh this is horrible i you get that fucking horrible gape in your shirt you know your jeans are too tight around your waist and then sort of flip out the the but yeah i i would say is finding stuff though that that can look good that that doesn't necessarily require sort of that tight fit. I mean, I think the best thing in the world,

Romesh uses them, I use them, is a nice overshirt. I think a sweet, sweet overshirt, something that looks good on that basis that he can wear. You can wear it open with a nice T-shirt underneath. I think the fact of the matter is, though, I literally started losing weight again because I started putting on clothes, looking at myself and going, this used to look so good.

I had a Stone Island jumper we went out I think I told this story the other day and someone was like didn't they do that in your size and from that moment I was like actually number one that's hurt my feelings first of all fuck that but number two I'm like this

this used to look better on me and now I have to lose weight so it looks better again. Yeah. And it's not good enough. Yeah, don't get me wrong. It was a nasty thing to say. Nasty? Mean and vile.

So I would say, yeah. I would say I'd like to put an arm around your fella and just go to the gym with him and just fucking, yeah, work out together and make him feel better. I think, number one, Northern Irish fan, is I always think, look, Tom's done very well and we're both trying to lose weight at the moment. Tom's doing much better than I am.

But one of the things that I think is difficult is when you have some clothes, like aspirational clothes, do you know what I mean? Where, like, you've got a set of clothes that you're hoping that you're gonna shrink down into whatever it's it's never a good it's never a good thing because it's just it's just like a a target to beat yourself with one of the things that's very true about people and i think this is true of me is that whenever i felt on my lowest ebb mentally

you start to let go of looking after how you look, you know, you know, when you stop looking after your hair, you stop working on yourself, you stop dressing well. And actually, what happens is that kind of I feel like it kind of snowballs and you generally become sort of unhappy and everything, really, I'm not saying that, if you, you know, it's the old thing, if you look good, you feel good. But I think that, you know, if you actually take care in your appearance and look after yourself a bit, that includes like you know exercising eating well blah blah blah you're just generally happier so what i would say is it would i i wouldn't i wouldn't be saying it's something to worry about but i don't think you know it's not nice for your husband to

be wearing like shitty clothes i don't know what your budgetary requirements are but i would do a little bit of research with him or you know or do a bit of shopping together or something make a thing of it depending on what your budget is there are people that you can consult that they do online things there's like um there's like websites where you put in your dimensions or whatever and talk about and say what kind of things you're into what kind of looks you're into and they'll send you stuff that meets those requirements. You can look good if you're bigger. I know Tom's saying about this guy with the Stone Island shirt,

Tom always looks great. He dresses great. Do you know what I mean? Even when he's bigger, he looks great. And it's that thing of like, I know that we all get caught up in the thing of like clothes companies want slim people to wear their clothes and tom and i've talked about this in the past but like tom said you can you can look you know you can look presentable you can look really good when you're

bigger and it's just a matter of like of trying to do that so i really do think if you put a bit of kind of time and if he puts a bit of time and, and if you can try and get him to be open to the idea of shopping for nice clothes, despite the fact he's feeling bigger, actually what he'll suddenly discover is he looks good, even though he's a weight he's not that keen on, and he might just be a bit happier in himself, I think. Do you know what I mean? It's like, if you want to lose weight for health reasons and stuff like that, and you've got genuine, proper reasons you want to do it,

then great. But dressing like shit when you're at your bigger weight, it's like fucking compounding the problem. Do you know what I mean? He already feels low because he's put on a bit of weight, and then on top of that, he's wearing shit clothes. Do you know what I mean? Get drippy, mate.

Fabulise yourself. Get drippy with it. You know? Shall we do one more, Tommy? Let's do one more, my sweet prince. will fowl and swan i recently moved house brackets i was living in the house uh with a family in london just renting their spare room and i've moved in with my boyfriend and our friend after leaving the family i got a message saying i'd left a few things behind they said a pair of jeans and some other knickknacks i went to collect them had a

nice chat and headed home upon returning home i opened the bag and as i looked inward to see the tat i'd reclaimed my heart dropped like a stone nestled amongst the miscellaneous girl crap and pens i noticed that somehow i'd left mr buzz my bright pink rabbit vibrator who was now staring up at me a wave of horror washed over me i imagined both the discovery and subsequent conversations within the family and i felt disgustingly embarrassed ever since now i'm aware you're both men and probably haven't left your vibrators anywhere so maybe the swan could give me a bit of advice as well if she doesn't mind um well she hasn't openly discussed it with me recently but based on what our activities are i imagine she's got an extensive collection of vibrators um i don't know whether i should message them apologizing

or leave it they're adamant they wanted to stay in touch when i moved out as we all got on very well i just don't want to send a christmas card this year and be remembered as a pink rabbit vibrator lodger forever on but then again i'm sure that ship has sailed any help would be greatly appreciated and your podcast has never failed to cheer me up and make me laugh. Take care. She's not said anonymous so I'll give her name. Jess. Wow, Jess. Wow, what a conundrum.

I think the truth of it, and number one I think they're wrong here. Do you know what I mean? Why are they wrong? Because I think that that's a bit... When you say, oh look, you've left a few bits behind they don't have to put that in the bag do you mean like what i'd have done is not put it in the bag and just give them back everything else and not not put in because that's awkward for everyone right i think i'd have just gone right let's throw that in the fucking bin and give her back everything else because it's so awkward for

poor jess yeah yeah sure it is it is awkward for jess but but they don't know that jess had forgotten that she left the vibrator there so if jess thinks she's left the vibrator there and then they return the stuff they run the risk of her going oh that's weird they've kept my vibrator yeah well that is weird right that is weird right but you must know if you're putting that in a bag like she's gonna fucking poor jess is gonna feel embarrassed by this you must right there's no way anyone in the world is sort of like i hope my pink vibrator is still in there like well do you know that do you know that for definite because they might just be quite liberated and sort of thing you, vibrators are a normal thing.

They're a normal thing, yeah, yeah, but... People have got to do what they've got to do. Then in that case, make a joke out of it. Right, right, right. Go on, so tell me... What my point is, sneakily put into the bag. If you were the father of the family, you're involved in this family, you've had a lodger. Now, let me tell you something.

If we'd had a lodger, and I was packing up their stuff and i found a vibrator yeah first of all i don't even know how i would sort of broach that if i'd feel very sort of i would i'm not prudish i'd feel slightly kind of anyway yeah so you find this vibrator you pack it up what would you say oh well firstly i would go down the avenue of going number one like let's not put this in the bag and let's just fucking dispose of it like this you know they would make the the clear argument that it just looks like you've thrown away someone's vibrator that's an insane idea right so then then you've got to return it okay

so then what happens i would probably just to make it because i thought what's happening is you walk that's this is where we come back to the train thing you've got to make say something about it you know like if you're giving it, because the truth of the matter is, Jess, right, now Jess has got this amazing family she's friends with, live with them, and now she feels awkward about the whole thing because it's so awkwardly been put into a bag. I personally would wait for them to get in touch with you.

That's what I'm saying. I just think, because there's no, like, when you've done something and I've been in lots of situations where I can tell you where I felt embarrassed

or I felt silly about something or you know I felt like people have judged me we're talking about Spotgate again right yeah

I felt like that don't get me wrong these people might not even think about it it might never be a thought Jess is obviously thinking about it because she's emailed in about the problem

right and how she feels about it I can see where Jessess is coming from i would wait for them to get in contact i would probably wait then before i ever mentioned it again and if i'd wait for them to make a joke out of it so what jess is never going to contact them again i'd wait see let them phone first let them message her and then message them back okay but i i just think look the truth of the matter is they they might be liberating people they might just be like oh it doesn't really matter it's fine do you mean it's cool like whatever people got to do their thing but for jess it's very embarrassing and i can see that she's obviously mortified because it's straight away gives them

a way of thinking about you know something different from the but you know yeah i get it we all do well if i was a family what i would have done was i would have taken all the stuff and i would have put it in a cardboard box and i would have like taped the box shut right yeah and then i would have got in touch with jess and i said um because we're using the room we got the room a proper deep clean so we got a cleaner in to tidy everything up and like give it a proper clean and just as she was like after after she finished the job, she gave us this sealed box with a load of stuff that I think is yours. Come and collect it whenever you want.

So then Jess thinks that it wasn't them that found it. It's some random cleaner that she doesn't know. That's probably one of the best plans you've ever had. Thanks so much. Thank you. Thank you so much for sort of both complimenting me and insulting me at the same time I would say

also the worry is right is the fact they use the phrase knickknacks yeah yeah well we don't know

that they definitely use that that might be just paraphrasing I would just say when you use that it's a very what's the sort of you know

what's the thing when you're being aggressive but you're not being aggressive in your language passive aggressive yeah that's exactly what that is what knick but you're not being aggressive in your language? Passive aggressive. Yeah, that's exactly what that is. What? Knick-knacks is not passive aggressive. It's very, yeah. When you're talking about Pink Vibrator, I think

it's definitely that. If you've left some of your toys and assorted amusements. Yeah. If you've gone like you've left your jeans and some knick-knacks. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if this family have children. Yeah.

Otherwise, you would have just been living with another couple that would have kids. Yeah. I think probably two or three kids, I'd imagine. Yeah, yeah. You can absolutely determine the number of children from this email. You're right. You're totally right.

So, yeah, look, Jess, it's a difficult one. It's a difficult one depending on how embarrassed you are about it. Jess this is one of those ones i think we both want to hear back and see what happens and hopefully i think i agree with tom i think wait for them to get in touch but i would just make a joke about it yeah yeah you know i saw you found mr buzz yeah or if you go to the house for dinner just sort of make a joke about it and say oh i'm just heading upstairs oh shit i forgot my vibrator uh yeah something like that yeah just gonna go oh god i was about to say something horrendous there thank god you put the brakes on that one big burn yeah absolutely uh right good luck jess thank you i don't really feel like we've answered your problem really no um well look they were adamant they wanted to stay

in touch to stay in touch doesn't suggest that they're going to be meeting up. Just stay in touch. So, yeah, Tom, I think you're absolutely right. I don't think you should message apologising, Jess. You've got nothing to apologise for. Jess, you are in the... You've done nothing wrong. Jess, you are a saint.

We need to be more affirmative on this. Jess, there is nothing wrong with having a vibrator. Jess, you are a frigging saint. freaking saint so yeah you're an absolute legend do not succumb to their power play yeah so uh just leave it and they can get in touch and what will happen is in a while you forget about it and then maybe in three years time you'll be having some night out all of you some sort of reunion and then go you know one of you will bring it up and it'll be a hilarious thing to look back on

but you have got do not apologise for having a vibrator ever unless you're in airport or something and you put it in your hand luggage

yeah because it's super weird yeah Robski thank you baby thank you so much Tom it's been a lovely ride we will see you guys again

Wednesday for the next episode of the podcast keep smiling keep shining keep grinding no don't keep grinding I hate that phrase keep shining knowing you can always count on me

for sure that's what friends are for oh speaking of music do you know what i just started listening to on apple music yeah i listened to a playlist called i miss uk garage right yeah and you know what guys if you fancy a little trip down memory lane just pop that on a couple of classics on there there that I think you're going to like. You are too cute for school, kid. All right, guys. Take care.

We love you very much. Peace out. Enough respect. Peace and love from heaven's above. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you.

Thank you.