Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #21

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

We tackle… Tom’s biggest exercise day ever, a Wolf & Owl bike ride and the shameful decline of Feast ice-creams. Then some advice on not overreacting, how to navigate a supermarket, under-rated comedians and failing your driving test. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Yo, what you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred. They'll grant you all

last requests to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing

They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog Welcome to the Wolf and Owl bonus episode

I've got to issue apologies to my uh my partner the wolf because you've got shit to do and i basically overslept this morning right it's fine but you know what you actually roll that sort of like just go out of bed sort of like cheeky little sort of vibe nice boy you roll it nice i hate that because i've been just before coming onto here, just running around, panicking, grabbing my laptop, grabbing that,

you know, that sort of, I hate that kind of, uh, you know, I got a horrible kind of rush. I got in so much pain today. I,

I think the biggest day of exercise that I've ever had in my life. So I need to check if this is true. Okay. So according to your Insta stories, which is how I basically follow you more than even us keeping in touch. Yeah. You did a round of golf, the best round of golf of your life.

Yeah. But that was after. Yeah. Doing a 20 mile bike ride. It was after doing, it was, so altogether I did 24 kilometers, 25 kilometers.

So it was about 20 miles. Yeah. And also on top of that, bro, on top of that, bro, on top of that, I did a weight session in the morning. Okay. Amazing.

Let me just show you this. Cause this is this, I'm extremely proud. This is where I start, this is where I start to regret bringing this up now because you're getting, I can see you've had an IV drip of Kool-Aid set up. I feel very, I feel very chilled and good about my shit there we go look at this look

this is my day yesterday can you see that you go yeah hold it up closer so that we can get that for the listeners can you see it though yeah i can't see it so outdoor cycle 1.141 kilometers outdoor cycle 2.78 kilometers outdoor cycle 21.26 26 kilometers traditional strength training and then outdoor walk of 3.13 miles yeah oh you missed the golf that's up golf 2,172 i burnt 7,800 calories yesterday wow yeah man and i do you know i Do you know what I ate healthy too? I think I might prefer unhealthy to unhealthy. One day

of living healthy, you've already turned into an absolute fucking prick. Have you been on a bike recently? Have I been? Well, I do Peloton, but I'm doing a natural bicycle. You've got a nice bicycle. Honestly, bicycle, bro. Don't call that in the bike world you call it just can we just cut the bullshit why did you do a long bike ride yesterday how did that

why have you why have your and the bicycling world's paths crossed right so look, the thing about me, right, is sometimes I should... Oh, my God. I will look at something, right, and I'll go, I can do that. I can do that, right? So near me, there is a massive, like an open bit of water. It's a man-made water sort of reservoir type thing. It isn't a lake and it isn't a river. I don't want you to get distracted, okay? It's not a lake and it's not a river. It's like want you to get distracted. Okay? It's not a lake and it's not a river.

It's like a man-made water thing, right? Okay. Man-made lake? Yeah, yeah, that's what it is, yeah. Okay, right. I find that. So, around that thing is the... Lake? Yeah, yeah.

Around it, you can cycle around it, right? Right. I've driven past it. I've walked around it with the dog a couple of times. And I thought to myself, I've seen people cycle it. And I thought, man, I think I could do this. I think I could do this. So I just went for it yesterday.

I just didn't care. I just went, I'm doing it. And yeah, I fucking owned that fucking man-made reservoir. Okay. I mean, you managed to take a really long time to give me no extra fucking detail atmade reservoir lake. Okay. I mean, you've managed to take a really long time to give me no extra fucking detail

at all, really. Apart from the fact you went around a lake. Did you do it on your own? No, no, no. Catherine came. Catherine got an electric bike, so that made it

quite a lot easier. Or as you call it, she got an electric bicycle. What did you ride on? I rode a mountain bike, man. No electric. How did you find on? I rode a mountain bike, man. No electric. How did you find it? So hard.

My arse is in pieces today. Generally. It's really painful. What happened to it after the bike ride? I lost the golf. I'll be honest with you I was amazed that you'd done that I would like to do it

one time I'd like to go on a bike ride with you one time I can't imagine that would be fun I mean you do more biking than I do on Peloton

in my house I don't go outside I think outdoor biking or cycling you had to bring your own seat. That's one thing I want to say to you because you're like, they fucking burn your bike. Well, I'm planning to bring my own bicycle. Have you got your own bike?

Yeah. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. How did I not know this about you? I guess it's because I don't know in what world I would bring that up in conversation. How long have you had your own bike for? Or bicycle, I know that. I don't know in what world I would bring that up in conversation. How long have you had your own bike for? Or bicycle, I know that.

I don't know, ages. Oh, wow. How often do you go out on it? I used it once the day I bought it, and I've never used it since. I was thinking we could have a cool little name, like the Bike Brothers. Yeah, I mean... I can't even describe that name as Route 1. If there's something below Route 1. No, but I...

Like staying at home. Down by you, right? There's loads of coastal rides and stuff, right? Yeah, I'm near the coast. Yeah, so you can do coastal rides. And, mate, one of my fantasies is me and you just fucking on the bike, right? Yeah. I'm near the coast. Yeah. So you can do coastal rides. And mate, my fantasy, one of my fantasies is me and you just fucking on the bike.

Right. And we just pull up and we're on that. Some fucking like Seaford or some sort of cliff face or whatever. And we just both look over and the fucking seagulls are there and fucking, there's a ferry going across. And we just look out and just go, fucking hell, we did this,

man. Yeah. We just get there and we pull up, take our helmets off, just put them on the handlebars, just look out across the sea and go, looks like the Wolf and Allen achieved something today,

my dear. And then you go, yeah, you know what? I think they did. And then we make love. It's an amazing feeling when you feel like you've accomplished something. Okay.

Really, honestly, I'm really happy for you that you did a bike ride. The fact that you're talking about it like Nelson Mandela just after he got released really has added to this for me. But I think

what I really want from you is you to go out there and do, like, you know what? Just fucking go and snorkel the arse out of the sea when you're on holiday or something. Like, fucking go. Oh, my God. It's like...

You're just talking like you're an inspirational figure because you rode around a lake with your wife. It's incredible. You know that? Who's that guy? I would just love it if you got booked for an inspirational speaker. Just go and do it.

And I learned, you know, I learned, you just look at these barriers. And you know what you look at those barriers as? The steps up. You know what they are at those barriers as? The steps up. You know what they are? Steps up to achieving your goal. What did you do to make you believe like this? Well, I'm glad you asked the question. I cycled around a man-made reservoir straight lake.

Somebody comes over and goes, yeah, I think, well, thank you very much, Tom. How long was this? Was this like 21, 22 kilometres? I think it's by the way. What disability did you have to overcome to do it?

Well, quite a sore saddle. Also, my wife was on an electric bike. I was on a normal bike, so I had to try and keep up with her which is sad oh my god but look genuinely all bullshit and piss taken aside I'm proud of you

I'm proud of you because that's a proper proper bit of exercise you know what I just feel that to hear that from you someone I respect a bit of exercise that you know what is I don't want yeah I just feel that you know to hear that from you someone I respect and you know

I just want to see you just fucking own shit man like you know as brothers yeah we're there okay

whenever I hear about cyclists who are like riding like doing really long distances every day, like over a quick,

when they say that they've got to take on calories or they've got to eat massive meals, boy, it's so envious. Yeah. It's like you burnt, did you really do 8,000 calories yesterday? Yeah, yeah. But you know what I had for tea,

which was amazing. I had a dal and then like homemade dal, cafe made dal, and like a Brindle Bargy vibe, and rice. It was incredible. I was kind of craving like a Domino's pizza, and I nearly went for a Domino's pizza,

but, yeah, I didn't. Instead you went for a curry. Yeah. My arse hurts, you know, the muscles of my arse hurt badly,

so why not make it a full house, and get the ring of the Domino's? I would have curry every night, if I could. I know you would. It's my favourite. And also homemade curry, I mean, I love would have curry every night if I could. I know you would. And also homemade curry. I mean, I love a takeaway curry.

Shout out to everyone. Do you know what you sound like? You sound like, you sound like Brent trying to convince his Asian mate he's not racist. Do you know what my favourite food is? Curry. Yeah, curry actually. So, just goes to show you. You know what my favourite food is? Curry. Yeah, curry, actually. So, just goes to show you.

You know what I had last night? A doll. A doll. One of my favourite... Knowing you're a vegan, I don't... Oh, Tom, I love you for that, mate. I'll tell you what I did have, actually, just to, sorry, make this a bit more sombre,

and maybe just take this down a bit more somber and maybe just take this down a notch or two to celebrate my awesome feat I actually I went and

I thought you know what I'm going to treat myself I'm going to have a feast and let me say

the ice cream feast the ice cream feast they have I haven't had a feast in

and I would be I don't want to speculate I'm going to try and be as earnest as I can I'd say about 15 years I haven't had a feast in... I don't want to speculate. I'm going to try and be as earnest as I can. I'd say about 15 years I haven't had a feast. If anyone's seen me at a feast in the last 15 years... What has that got to do with you being earnest? No, I'm being earnest and being honest.

So, yeah, saying that I'm being like this. Just say you're being honest. Yeah, but earnest is a better word. Yeah, but it's the wrong word it's not earnest it means honest no it doesn't mate earnest was how honest started oh here we go it was that's right earnest was the word they use and then someone's changed it to honest because it was just that that was how it worked i guarantee mate i swear you guarantee yeah you guarantee that earnest means the same thing as change it to honest. Because it was just that, that was how it worked. I guarantee, mate. I swear.

You guarantee? Yeah. You guarantee that earnest means the same thing as honest. What do you think honest means? Honest means being truthful and real. Right? Okay. Let me look up earnest for you.

Earnest means being truthful in fact. No. Earnest means being sincere and intense. Which is the same as truthful okay it means sincere and intense that's what it meant and everyone went we're going to knock it up a level and honesty is going to become

the new thing but when you said you haven't had a feast in 15 years nobody's going that's really intense if they didn't hear it in my voice I was being very intense okay go on so explain 15 years. Nobody's going, God, that's really intense. The way Tom described the passage of time since his last had a feast. If they didn't hear it in my voice, I was being very intense.

Okay, go on, so explain. You're being very what? Intense. Intense. Right. Okay,

go on, so tell me, you've not had a feast for 15 years. Let me tell you something now, I've not seen a feast. Anyway, I don't want to ruin this story,

go on. Yeah, no, let me just say that you're a vegan so if you get any ice cream you're fucking you're winning right

like no offence no but like I love you you know that but I've tried vegan ice cream and some of it's okay I don't know if I I don't know if I like

post bike ride Tom is that different in you no it's not do you know do you know sometimes like you know when people get a bit of success sometimes we both know people and it sort of breaks something in them

it sort of changes something in them it's so weird he's won a BAFTA he's absolutely smashed it with one of the biggest sitcoms of the BBC who would have thought none of those things did him. You know what finally did for him?

A bike ride around the lake. That's what... Right, look, let me hit it up. Let me be real for a second. Feast have changed the... So basically, let me break it down. In a feast, you get a nut and chocolate overcoat in, right? Then you get chocolate ice cream.

And in the middle of the feast, the biggest treat of all is you get like a little chocolate bar in the middle of it, right? Yeah. Okay? A little chocolate core. Yeah, a little chocolate core, which is beautiful. They have changed the size of the chocolate core. They've shrunk it significantly.

It's really, yeah. Are you sure it's not just it looks smaller and you're sort of big poor it's not been 15 years yeah yeah but my hand size hasn't changed in 15 years like yeah i sort of still when i was like 25 i still had similar sort of size hands one of the things that you've always done is measured your hands weekly isn't it no but i know that i've gone i've always been the same glove size since I was like 18. Right, okay.

What an incredible thing to say. So when I look upon that feast, I'm like, fucking hell, they've shrunk this. They've pulled our pants down here. And obviously it's more expensive with inflation and such. How much is a feast now? Look, I brought a can of Coke. I brought two feasts, one for my wife, one for myself.

Who's brought a can of Coke with a feast? Are you worried that you won't definitely get type 2 diabetes? No. I just had a big old fucking bike ride. Right? You brought a can of Coke and a feast? What are you doing? Are we talking about doing? Are we talking

about a full fat coke? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? Where did Catherine have? She had some water on her face. Of course she did this

right she's having an ice cream let me let me you know the you know the worst thing about it is is that you'll have the feast

all your sweet receptors will be fired to shit and then you drink a coke that basically tastes like water anyway right do you right I'm gonna fucking

open Pandora's box and pull my own pants down here. On the way round we stop at this lovely pub. Beautiful pub. Really nice little country boozer.

Catherine's like do you want to go get a drink and I'm like yeah what do you want and she said a Coke Zero and I went in and I was panting from the from the bike ride and sweating quite a lot

and I went in and Jenny went this bike ride we've done 21km that's where I stopped my watch for the first time. We've done 21 kilometres. And I'm panting. I'm like, give us a full fat Coke. So I had a pint of full fat Coke, Kevin, and the Coke Zero.

And then I took a big slap out of it in front of everyone, sweating, and realised how fucking... I'd become that sort of really loser-y guy. I'm just like nailing half a pint of Coke like that, let out a bit of a belch. And then had some crisps. I look round and all the other cyclists are having orange juice and nuts

and fucking Tartanas or whatever else. I want a fucking pint of full fat Coke and a bag of salt and vinegar crisps. I can't work out why I'm not losing any weight. But, to be fair to you, I would actually say that to me is not as mad as the feast in the Coke. Really?

Yeah, because you've got salt and sweet there. I understand why after some Coke you'd crave some crisps. It's just the fact that you're got salt and sweet there. I understand why after some Cody, Chris and Chris, it's just the fact that you're watching down an ice cream with Coca-Cola. But look. Listen, I love that about you.

You want what you want. I'll respect you for that. I like the fact you respect the fact that I had an ice cream and a Coca-Cola more than the fucking 21 mile bike ride no I love the bike ride but listen I just want to say now during the time we've done

this podcast I've gone toe to toe with some of the biggest brands in the world and yeah I sort of made a promise after the Krispy Kreme fiasco and

you know I sort of you've already broken that promise you mispronounced it again but go on Krispy Kreme that I would try not to go toe to toe

with any of the big big brands but I'm now I'm taking my shirt off and I'm saying to Feast fucking sort that chocolate middle out guys because it's not fair who makes Feast? I don't actually know I'm saying to Feast. Fucking sort that chocolate middle out, guys, because it's not fair.

Who makes Feast? I don't actually know. I'm going to look now. Who makes Feast lollies? Because I'm going to be honest with you. My kids are regular ice cream consumers. As you sort of so aggressively said, it's very rare that I can get an ice cream

because I'm some sort of vegan. Walls, mate. Right, Wolves Feast. I can't believe we didn't know that. So that's a shout-out to Wolves. Just sort it out. Because actually, thinking about my kin, Romesh's three boys, I want them to enjoy a feast how it's meant to be enjoyed, not this sparse little facade that they're having to eat now.

The thing is, though, every ice cream van I've been to over the last however long, they've not had feasts. They've had festivals. What festivals? Festivals is like the bootleg feast. Oh, really? Made by someone else.

It's the same thing, essentially. How's the chocolate inside? I've got no idea. As you said, Tom, I'm vegan. Have any of the boys had one? Yeah. And, you know, they've not seen anything different. All they know is that size.

Do me a favour this weekend, if you can, mate. Can you go out and take the three boys, right, and if you can, get a feast and a festival and compare them and then come back next week on this podcast. Yeah, sure. I think,

I think what's easier because you're so annoyed about it. I think what's easier is rather than you just going and doing that is I'll organize my, a little outing for my three boys and then force them to eat two ice creams. Guys, Uncle Tom's had one of his, Uncle Tom's had one of his things again, so we're going to have to go and get two ice creams each. They'd love that.

Stop crying. Stop crying. Finish it. Uncle Tom wants to know the results of this experiment. It's imperative you get to the middle. Stop crying so I can take a photo of you next to the chocolate core for scale listen shout out vegan ice cream I sent you those

little balls the other day those vegan balls the picture of them have you had those yet oh I didn't know they were vegan I just thought you were sending me a weird thing or something you'd eat mate they are unbelievable they come in different flavours I had mango they're really refreshing yeah yeah alright well look apologies listeners I know this is Unbelievable. They came with different flavours. I had mango. They're really refreshing. Yeah, yeah.

All right. Well, look, apologies, listeners. I know this is the email episode, but obviously Tom's achieved something quite impressive, so we had to spend the first half of the podcast talking about that. Today. Something is coming. Kong, Godzilla, they can feel it. Fight together. Or is coming. Kong.

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Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin at participating McDonald's in Canada prices exclude delivery. so this is from hold on one sec this is from joe and this email this email it's joe short for joanna okay um and it's uh am i feeling it Deep? is the subject of this. Wow. I don't think I've ever read the subject before out loud. Okay. Hi, Lisa, Rom and Tom. I'm currently sitting in my car reeling.

I've just arrived home after a Facebook Marketplace incident and I can't help thinking I'm feeling this whole thing too deep and overreacting. Well, we're here to help you, Joe. A couple of days ago, I arranged with someone a specific time to go and collect and pay for a small piece of second-hand furniture,

a pink velvet footstool from their house. Sounds nice. Sounds classy. Sounds lovely, yeah. When I arrived at the address they sent me at said time, they looked dumbfounded before telling me she'd sold it to someone else. This is a 40-minute round trip via a cash point in the middle of a busy morning ferrying my sons to and from swimming lessons i honestly could have cried i was with hindsight probably disproportionately very excited to bring home a new bargain and the thoughtlessness and dismissive nature of the

seller really upset me i felt flushed and embarrassed i felt the tears welling up so i left and dashed back to my car sharpish my question to you is this do you ever find yourself overreacting to relatively minor things and if you do what you did to calm yourself down thank you swan alan wall for taking the time to read my email and taking the time to make your podcast it's an honor to be part of your pod community what What a lovely little closing sentence. I am seething for you. I think you've been actually very decent by using the word reeling because I would be dropping the seething bomb and I'd be dropping it with intensity.

What those people have done is nothing short of scandalous. When you make an arrangement to buy something as such and they said, this is yours, there is a stat of limitation where they have to fucking wait for you to come what they've done is they've scantily turned around and said oh right they've probably accepted bids from 20 different people you probably weren't the

only one if you'd sat outside their house afterwards you've probably seen seven or eight different people coming in and all finding out the same thing that this pink foot stall uh has been sold before and what they were doing is they were greedily just waiting for the first person to get there it's unethical and it's if I'm going to be honestly disgusted let me just say to you right oh my god I a while ago was selling my shed

okay and there was a lot of interest in the said shed it was an amazing well there would have been because you used your social media channels to post about this fucking shed. Right.

So it was... Also talks about... It's all this stuff about... It's all this stuff about King Gary and then plonked in the middle of your Twitter is a picture of a shed.

Yeah. So, look, there's a lot of interest in it, right? A guy gets in touch with me, comes to see the said shed, likes it a lot. He's really impressed with the shed,

how it looks, the condition it's in. Actually says that I've priced it too low. I turn around to the guy and say, look, I'm a fucking ethical guy. Right? What I've put it up as is what it is for.

Right? The guy says he'll take it. I then tell everyone and I take it down to places because he's taken it. We didn't hear back from him. The whole thing was a roux. A roux? Yeah. Sort of a white sort of sauce.

How do you make that? A roux. You make that, by the way, just chatting out another cooking tip. You make that by melting butter, a little bit of flour in the butter. You then mould it together to make a very, very nice sort of pasty thing. And that's what you thought this was? And then you pour in some milk. You wait for the milk to boil.

Essential, throw in a little bit of salt and white pepper. Wait for the milk to boil and thicken. And then you've got yourself a nice white bechamel sauce. Add cheese, preference something smoky. And a lot of people sort of alter the recipe a bit on a roux. I've never heard it altered to the point that they've made an

offer on a shed and it turned up. It's a very unusual way to make a tea. Have you never heard of a roux? I've heard of a roux. Right, yeah, that would be what I'm thinking of. Right, yeah, that would be what I was thinking of. Right, so the whole thing was a ruse, right? Right.

I am then seething with this gentleman. I didn't text him. I didn't get in contact with him. Apart from saying, oh, when are you going to come to? Number one, I sent a lovely text to him going, oh, so happy that you like the shed. I'm glad it's going to a nice home. Oh, my God.

You didn't say that, did you? Yeah. He said, so happy it's going to a nice home. Mate, I was happy that someone who really valued it as a shed was going to take it. He seemed very interested in it, right? Right, yeah. I'm beginning to get an idea now

why this guy didn't turn up. Right. He didn't come back. He didn't get back, you know. So we had to relist the shed uh in doing that again there was i i then we then just did that through uh gumtree and a couple other places and but i still then i ran that very very strict thing first come first served this time was a lot more like look you know there's a lot of interest in this shed you need to make a down payment while you're here.

To a lovely couple of guys who, and do you know what? Actually, one of the sweetest stories I've ever heard. He took the shed because he lives in a, what is a little Western community. So he lives in like a log cabin and he wanted a little outhouse and that's what he was using the shed for. That just made me happy, I guess.

Yeah, it's, yeah. One of the sweetest stories i've ever heard you're absolutely right uh tom do you do realize that you're kind of uh justifying what happened to joe because you know you you put a shed up for sale yeah and then the person didn't turn up uh they ghosted me they ghosted me. They ghosted me. And we gave them, like, two weeks. Is there a valid argument that this woman who, or these people that sold this pink footstool before our beloved Joe got there,

isn't it possible that they were worried that the same thing might happen to them? I don't think so. I think by the sounds of it... You'll know their motivations. What is it? No, I mean, Joe, as we do. As we don't.

Joe is an incredible human being. She's very sweet. We can tell that from her email, right? Joe, I can guarantee this is what's happened. Joe's seen a pink footstool, messaged them a lovely message on Facebook saying, I love this pink footstool. Please, I really want this in my life.

I'll be around tomorrow to pick it up with cash, right? I guarantee that's what's happened at the moment that happens right what you have to do as a seller and this is what i've done is you go wowzers that you know there's someone else is really loving this this item i'm selling and you know absolute credit to them so yeah and that's what you do and what's happened instead is they've done that probably to 20 really really front-loaded that example though didn't you it'll peter that at the end there um it answers your question joe have i over overreacted to something yeah i have many times uh it's actually something that i've

tried to i i would describe myself you know tom will tell you i'm far from a zen human being now but um i have tried to become more zen because little things really fuck me off like for example i this sort of stands out in my memory i was uh i've been sent to the to the test to tesco's by a beloved swan uh to get a couple of bits yeah i was walking around the supermarket um i find that quite a stressful not a stressful experience i sort of don't enjoy it massively because i i never take the most efficient route around the store i'm i feel like i'm just sort of wandering back and forth looking for this shit over and over again anyway but just quickly i don't want to interrupt supermarkets are laid out if you just follow the follow theles, they'll see you're right.

But you've got to follow the aisles. What does that mean? No, because they're all laid out. So everything you get is in systematic order of how you need it. No, I know how aisles work. Yeah, but like what I'm imagining. What I'm saying to you is. What I'm imagining is you've got there and you've sprinted straight to the freezer and fridge.

Is that even right? Yeah. If you speak to anybody that shops in Freebridge's Tesco, they will tell you one of the most iconic views from that store is me sprinting around between the aisles. Dashing around like fucking Dale Winton's encouraging me on. No, I'm just saying, I know what you're like. You're like, I'm going to whisk to the freezer a bit,

get the freezer stuff, right? Don't, mate, please, please, just go with it. There's like supermarket experts, aisle experts who've worked it all out for us. Go with the veg or toilet paper and stuff first and then just like cut into all the tingards, right? All those bits and then you're all the tingers, right? All those bits. And then you're into the freezer stuff, right?

Okay, so what you've just described is not how my supermarket is laid out. All right, so you can say that and you can raise your hand and sort of patronise me and go, this is how it works systematically. But that's not how my supermarket is laid out. How is your supermarket laid out?

You go in. Yeah. And they've got some weird little drinks offers. Yeah. Like gin and tonics in four packs and stuff. Very clever. Shout out to supermarkets, because what they try to do is entice you to stuff

that's not normally going in your basket. Okay. And then as you go through there, you're then into toiletries. Yeah. You know, bathroom stuff, toothpaste and all that kind of stuff. Toilet paper, shower gel. Yeah, gotcha.

Don't say yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't mention it when you were explaining to me how supermarkets laid out. I did. I said toilet paper and a veg. Yeah. And then alongside. No. Yeah, you did say toilet paper.

Yeah. By that, I meant toilet paper. By that, you mean toothpaste. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And then there's like sandwiches and magazines. Yeah.

As you come back down. Yeah. Then you go back up and you're into your kind of, then you're into your toilet paper. Yeah. And then after that, I think you're into your fruit and veg. Yeah.

Off the back of that. Yeah. And then there's some canned goods thrown in there. Interesting, because yours is slightly different from mine, but yeah, still sort of, yeah.

Anyway, the point I was trying different from mine, but yeah, still sort of, yeah. Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that, yeah, I find it a slightly stressful experience. I don't work my way up and down every aisle

and trust in the supermarket like Tom does. So Catherine just walking behind is going, no, don't worry. I don't want to go straight there.

We've got to do this systematically. Anyway, I'm walking past the bakery bit, and they've got these gingerbread elephants. And I see these gingerbread elephants, and I think to myself, do you know who'd love those? My boys.

So I'm going to get them. I'm going to get a gingerbread elephant for each of the lads. It's behind a counter. You've got to get someone to get it for you. So I just sort of stand there, um, waiting with my basket and two women that are working there. And by the way, before I finish the story,

I'm fully aware that people working at Tesco has got a tough job and I'm a prick. I'm the prick in this story. Okay. So, um, although this, to be fair,

this woman doesn't know I'm the prick in this story because she doesn't know what's going on in my head. Her and her mate, both of them are just talking by the tiger bread. Right. They've seen me waiting and they continue talking for quite a long time. Right. Then eventually, after they finished their chat, she decides to come over and help me. She decides to come over and help me. And then as she walks over and walks behind the counter, the first thing she says to me after me being waiting for this amount of time is, can you get your basket off the glass, please?

It'll damage it. Now, at that point, the rage that went up, there's something about being told off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rage that i felt in me was absolutely like it was volcanic yeah it was like i was fucking ready to go but actually but i didn't actually the truth is it didn't manifest itself what did you say just three gingerbread elephants please yeah basically yeah think about that as i'm actually on your i do i find that frustrating i'm with you on that but actually what you should have done is just gone, excuse me.

That would have quelled it. That supermarket folk are some of the kindest, sweetest folk that build up this nation. Okay, okay, okay. This is another one of your casual observations that's not based on any fucking truth or evidence. No, they are. But that's part of the reason I didn't do that

because I think to myself, I say I don't know what it's like to work at Tesco. I used to do trolleys at Sainsbury's. But I just think to myself, if you're having a chat, you're having a chat. But then don't fucking come and tell me off. Yeah, no, no. Look, I think if she was here to defend herself,

she would say, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm worried about the glass. The thing about it is supermarket-wise. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils.

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You are like Francis Drake that shit, right, you're like, you're like Francis Drake that shit, right? You're like an explorer running around. Like, yeah, you're going to find

the stuff you're looking for, but you're not doing it in a, like, you're not following the map. Yeah. And, and, you know,

just a little wink. You know what? Do you know what? Can I see how you've behaved on this podcast today? Okay. Okay. You've done a bike ride

around the lake and had a good round of golf. And since then, on this podcast, you're talking like you around the lake and had a good round of golf. And since then on this podcast, you're talking like you've just come back from a year in Southeast Asia. I don't know what the fuck is going on with you today. I had three espressos before we started. Did you? Yeah.

Okay. You got sort of all like, you know, you know what you've got to realise is. No, but I'm just trying to be deep, man. Talk sort of all, you know, what have you got to realise? No, I'm just trying to be deep, man. Talk about a kid,

you know, and shout out to everyone working in the supermarket. Yeah, you're the fabric of this country. We love you, yeah? Yeah,

we do love you. Next up, this is from Ben. Ben. Sweet souls, thank you for making my days to and from work an absolute joy for the past year.

I mean, this is your trial and tribulation towards stardom. You've been very generous in respect of your fellow comics, often making themselves much more accomplished than yourselves, which I'm sure is modesty on your part. As many men, as many men, sorry, my youth was spent playing football and was occasionally acutely aware of

many better players around me who I thought would be a world beater with the odd exception nobody made it to professional heights and those that did

were a surprise your name drops have made me search out comics I've never heard of which I'm grateful oh god we've been recommending other comics

who have you stood at the side of the stage with a laugh uncontrollably someone you'd pay to see who through different circumstances should have had a chance

at the top table oh shit right oh so people who didn't quite look I mean trial of the layout. Someone you would pay to see through different circumstances should have had a chance at the top table. Oh, shit. Right. Oh, so people who didn't quite... Look, I mean, I'm going to shout out quickly a person that I do stand on the side of the stage, and I've been fortunate to do that quite a lot of times, is Romesh. When you're watching him, you are

like a... It's a thing of beauty when you're doing stand-up. No, no, no, you're incredible, man. You deserve your props for that. People who could have gone further. It's hard to start that, because a lot of the people, I think, most of the people that I watched back then

are now smashing it. We sort of came through with a crop. The people that started around the same time as us. We've had a lot of people that have gone on to become quite, like Beckett, Widdicombe, Acasta, Rasheen Conaty.

Someone would have said that, I remember seeing an Edinburgh show that Brett Goldstein did. And Brett Goldstein, as a comedy writer and somebody who understands the format of comedy, and now as a sitcom writer and as a performer i thought brett i think brett's incredible and like rightly so now getting his his his props but like most people then that you were you watched katherine ryan you sort of knew was going to go motor comedian you'd like most of these people you sort of knew were were sort of

set for that there's a few people who still now it feels harsh to say but like Thumby I always thought I gigged with Thumby quite a lot do you know Thumby? Thumby and Mateo yeah

and I always loved him I thought he had I remember some of his jokes were just razor sharp and tough gigs as well back in the day I really enjoyed it's hard to think of someone

who you know like again most people that A-Caster we first saw most people that Acastle, when you first saw it, most people that you sort of saw were going to go all the way and smash it. There are people that you sort of, on the circuit, who for whatever reason haven't been as big as, you know,

there's loads of stories of like, there are people like, for example, Ian Stone is one of the finest comedians working in the country today and like you know he's great the person that sort of pops into my head who is like known it is well known and and has had his you know has had his issues like troubles uh you know in the press and stuff is sean walsh and like you know, in the press and stuff, is Sean Walsh. And, like, you know, Sean is... No, obviously, Sean's a mate, and I supported him on tour, and obviously, so you could argue that I'm biased,

but I would say that I think he's one of the most natural, naturally talented comedians I've ever seen, like, in terms of, you know, the first time I saw him, I just felt like I'd never seen anything like it before, man. I mean, I think the geezers like, it's so, so funny. I remember gigging with him early on and we're doing some upstairs,

some pub. And he was just so fucking already there. We were all sort of starting out and he was just like everything. He was razor sharp and just, you know, another one actually, uh, Paul McCaffrey.

I've never, ever, ever watched Paul McCaffrey or sit, like, whenever I've seen him on stage with, and I'm talking like the best, the cream of the crop of people, he's never ever, I've never seen Paul McCaffrey look anything but

like one of the stars of any show. He's fucking so talented as a writer, performer. But yes, it's hard because I think a lot of the people that you'd have thought were going to make it have made it, really. I don't think there's many. I do think it's a meritocracy think a lot of the people that you'd have thought were going to make it have made it really I don't think there's many I do think it's a

meritocracy up to a point comedy but like there is a point beyond which you know luck has a big part to play

or being in the right place I'd say someone now who's about to fucking I think will nail it in the next two years who's sort of

and I've gigged with a lot was Michelle Deswart I think like do you ever gig Who sort of, and I've gigged with a lot, was Michelle Deswart. I think, like, do you ever gig with Michelle? No, I've not gigged with Michelle. Michelle's fucking incredible. Like, incredible.

Like, we did, like, Edinburgh cut, like, things, and we gigged a lot together. And her, she was just fearless about going up and doing new stuff. And, like, not in a way that me and you were like, oh, I think we've got to write new stuff. She was just fearless and sort of like, you know, and as an actress as well,

she's, she's really, she's really smashing it. But I think again, she's one of those people I've always thought at some point she's going to have a, have a day and she's, she's brilliant.

Oh, this is what I was going to say, but we should probably say this. We just talked about Walsh and McCaffrey. They've actually got a podcast together. I mean, I don't want, you know,

I know we shouldn't big up other podcasts but they do a podcast called What's Upset You Now and it's two blokes just chatting sounds a bit crap to me but yeah they do that so check it out anyway should we do one more Tom yeah I've got time for a quick quick sweet one yeah

quick quick sweet one alright let's do this one. First thing I'll say, thanks for making such a good podcast. It always makes me laugh and brightens my Wednesdays and Fridays. My question is, how did your driving test go? Did you pass first time? I'm 18 this year and I took two driving tests and unfortunately failed both tests. I could drive fine.

I think it's a factor on the day the nerves got the best of me, leading to me making a silly mistake and failing. Would it affect me failing both tests? I'd let my friends and family down and disappointed them. You haven't let your friends and family down and disappointed them, mate. That could be further from the truth. I thought of an animal name

and called me the Cub. My last name is David, so I could be the wolf's long lost son. Lastly, in lockdown, I got into golf and go regularly with my dad. We made an Instagram account.

Okay, he's asking for it. He's shouting out his golf Instagram. Shout it out. Shout it out. Give the guy some juice. At four underscore golfateers. I like that.

Four musketeers. There's three musketeers. But he's done four as he shot four. No, I know that. I'm just saying. But what I'm saying is in the email, he said it's based on four musketeers. Yeah, I get it. It's not, is it? It's based on the three musketeers. They've added a musketeer.

Yeah, okay. Listen, Cub. Like if it was a cheese thing and they called themselves the br three musketeers. So listen, Cub. They've added a musketeer. Yeah, okay. Listen, Cub. Like if it was a cheese thing and they called themselves the Brie musketeers. That would be quite sweet, actually. That would work sort of better. You should set up an account like that. Yeah. Okay, go on, Tom.

Look, Cub. Number one, you haven't let anyone down. You haven't let anyone down at all. I think sometimes you can feel that way because you feel like you've let yourself down, which you haven't let anyone down. You haven't let anyone down at all. I think sometimes you can feel that way because you feel like you've let yourself down, which you haven't done that either. The fact of the matter is, I think your parents, and by the way, let me say,

your relationship with your dad sounds like a cracker. You know, it sounds very, it's something you should be very proud of and enjoy. But I think they're just going to be proud of you for trying. And that's what life is about. And let me be honest here. I haven't even passed my driving test. I tried once, failed once,

and then realised that driving wasn't for me for the while. And, you know, five years became 10, 10 became 15, and 15 became 20. And before I knew it, I was a 42-year-old man who doesn't drive. And for the most part, I think that's probably been for the best because I kicked the life out of partying and enjoying my life through most of my 20s and 30s

uh but sometimes i think i let myself down by not going back and going i'm gonna try this again i'm gonna try this again i bottled out you haven't done that you've been a bigger man you've been a stronger man and you should that should be and you you're gonna crack it at some point and let me tell you, I might even now, inspired by your words, I might even learn to drive. After, obviously, the late thing and I feel

I'm in that mood where I feel like I could accomplish it. Maybe me and Rob could do a little episode where we go for a driving lesson together. That sounds great. I'll sit in the back of the car. We set the podcast equipment up that's good uh now listen uh cub i've got a little bit of advice for you and it's a cautionary tale okay um i took a driving test when i was 17 years old or 18 and i failed and i was so upset and had the same reaction to you uh at failing my driving test

that I stopped my driving lessons and I didn't then go on to pass my driving test till I was 24 it's only up it took me till then to sort of bring myself to go back and do it and as Tom's saying there's nothing wrong with not driving but it sounds like you want to drive like Tom you know Tom made the choice to not to not do it and I don't think it's affected him too negatively. As you said, he enjoyed his 20s and 30s catching lifts of other people. So my advice to you is get straight back on the horse. Don't, you know, if you...

And buy a horse, you mean car? Yes, I do, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. If he need, if the Cub needed that clearing up, then I'm amazed that he managed to get himself together to write an email. So, look, get straight back on it and do it, mate. Don't let it affect you.

Loads of my mates failed like three or four times, so don't worry about it. It actually makes you a better driver, statistically speaking. Tom, we're just about to finish the old podcast. Do you want to check your teeth in the mirror after we're done? Yeah, I will do. Sorry. Sorry.

Jesus Christ. I'll just sort of look up from the email. I'm trying to give this Paul Cub some advice. And see you checking your fucking front gnashers right in the camera. Right. My apologies. Cub, I think what me and Romesh both mean is you've got this. You are you.

And no one else can replace that. Look, if there's one thing I want you to do now, go back and listen to the beginning of this podcast and the tale of a man who didn't think he could suck around a lake but did. And let that driving test be your lake, my friend. Okay, great. So, thank you so much for listening to the Wolf and I podcast bonus episode.

If you've got anything you want to send in, please email us in at wolfalpod at gmail.com. And we will speak to you, see you, well, Tom and I are going to see each other in about a day because he's going on holiday. So, we've got to do it tomorrow. There probably won't be a bonus then, that means. No, there probably won't.

We've warned people. Yeah, there won't be a bonus next week. Yeah, don't get your hopes up. I just want to say to everyone, remember you're your own kings and queens, prince and princesses of your own lands and your own minds. Go and fucking deal with that as you will.

Sure. Thank you so much, Tom. I'm hoping, let's all keep our fingers crossed, that the Kool-Aid levels in Tom's blood have subsided subsequently enough for him to return to normal by the time we next do this. Uh, take care of yourselves guys.

We love you very much. Love, love. Bye bye. Bye bye.