Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #23

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

The Wolf & Owl podcast is one year old! So it’s time to celebrate with an impromptu bonus episode - and a special birthday theme-tune remix too. Then, after some reminiscing about embarrassing teenage infatuations, we tackle email questions on what to do about a partner's annoying habits, beer fear and messing up when trying to make a good first impression. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back! Roll your way into prizes like coffee, donuts, and even $60 Tim's gift cards! Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply, Canada only, no purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Why not kick back with a cold, smooth... Bush. Smooth taste. Great value. Bush Lager.

Enjoy responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans well i'll definitely

be asking my doctor if rebelsis is right for me rebelsis ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca order up for rebelsis yeah yeah what you want beak or jaws feathers fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler

Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder Like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing dark enough to turn the sun to the moon you'll see nothing all you hear is a huff a puff and expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog guys you are not going to believe this.

What's back, Ron? I'll tell you what's back. Probably for one week only. It's the Wolf of the Owl bonus episode! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, snap, son. Oh, mate. That sweet, sweet feeling of just riding into a bonus episode. You think to yourself, do you know what?

Can't wait till next Wednesday for another episode of the Wolf of the Owl. And then, boom! In your face yourself do you know what can't wait till next wednesday for another episode of the wolf for now and then boom in your face this is do you know what i i think this is the best way of doing bonuses because this is truly a bonus no one knew it was coming yeah it's coming yeah like a jewelry we didn't even know it was coming you sent me a text yesterday going should we do this bonus tomorrow yeah i was like let's make time to hit up a bonus and also you know what it's birthday Yeah, it's birthday week. It is birthday week. By the way, speaking of birthday week,

can I just start off by giving a big shout out to Revert, who produced the theme tune on this podcast, but did us a beautiful little cut up with some little quotes from the last year and stuff like that. You know know he did that he did that in one take he did he did it in one take yeah he's an incredible g yeah so um we've actually he sent me an audio of it so jt can you drop that in right now welcome to the

podcast Wishwagoning from Tom Davis inside the ride. My guy. My guy. Alfie. Alfie Wiedenstein. Okay, first of all, it's Alfie Wiedenstein. You are an incredible human being. Crispy. Crispy.

Crispy cream. You are an incredible human being. I'll tell you, you are so annoying. Wow, that's reverb, man. Reverb, big up reverb. So thank you for a year, a year year of uh man do you know that is apparently jt told me or told us like 72 hours 73 hours now and it can't just mean you talking well he sort of i guess he added the number of episodes with the number of bonus episodes and that you know it's an hour each yeah it's not but let me just say about jt yeah he's not only an incredible editor of this podcast

he's an amazing mathematician oh he's metarhythmic is off the chain absolutely off the chain we love you jt happy birthday jt i think also like a shout out to jt that's what we're doing we're in the middle of doing that yeah no no no no no no no but you you made it I wanted just everyone just take a second and think there's yeah there's some

integral people involved in this we've got sweet sweet swan we've got the dog JT yeah and then of course

it would be obtuse of me not to talk about the guy that I've been riding alongside shotgun yeah like you know

and that's you my baby so it's been an honour to serve with you, sir. Well, yeah. I fear that we're sort of flirting with the edges and making this sound

like a much bigger deal than it is, but okay. You know what? I'd have ideally have liked to have done this one somewhere where we've both got, like, an ice-cold pint of lager and we just stare into each other's eyes and yeah like

it's the end of like you know Dawson's Creek or some shit. Oh lovely. Why don't they make shows like Dawson's Creek anymore? I guess because there's no audience for them and nobody would like them. That's sort of a guess Yeah but no right things like Dawson's Creek Party of Five. There was a time that

you learnt everything you needed to know about life off those shows. And now they're just obsolete. They're not here anymore. No one even knows about them. I don't think we should be learning everything about life from a TV show. Well, for me, most of my education was done watching television. Okay.

And you get what? One in three words correct? You prick. How sad that I've been turning around. I don't remember anything about Dawson's Creek. I'll tell you what.

Shall I tell you the only thing? Well, I think that right, like listeners, write in, right? Because I think our relationship is very much like you'd be Dawson

and I'd be pacey okay i don't i get i'm assuming that's an insult but i don't really know why who is pacey to dawson pacey no dawson was amazing dawson was like the lead guy you're saying you're saying you're dawson no no you're dawson pacey um pacey was his cool best friend oh i see all right but you know the edgy one who wore a leather jacket and shit. Hmm. Okay. Um, the only thing I remember at Dawson's Creek really is that, um, I was watching,

uh, what's it called? I know what you did. No, not, I know what you did last summer. What was the piss take of that? I know what you scream.

If you know what, you know, that way. And as far as the way I was pissed, I think, right. And I'm watching it and listen, I love the way it's brothers.

I did not love that film, okay? So it's one of three films that I've walked out of in the cinema. Wow. Yeah. Big things. Yeah, big things. What were the other two? I'm sort of embarrassed about the other two.

I don't even think it was three. It might have been two. The other one that I can remember, and I'm slightly embarrassed about this because I do know it's a good film, is Edward Scissorhands. Why did you walk out on one of the greatest films of all time? I know, I know, I know.

I just wasn't ready. I don't know what to say to you. What do you mean you weren't ready? I just did it. It's a literally incredible piece of art. Yeah, okay. How old were you when that film came out? Old enough to know that you were watching something

cinematically beautiful. All right, fine. I'm sure that at your age, when you went to watch it, you could see all the metaphors going on and you realised that actually it was a synopsis about existence or some shit like that. I didn't.

I thought it might be some sort of horror film, a bit like Freddy. I think maybe I was just a bit more emotionally developed at that time. Yeah, possibly. You were just like, oh, I don't get it. It was just a bit more emotionally developed at that time. Yeah, possibly, possibly. Yeah, you were just like, oh, I don't get it. It's about a bloke with scissors on his head.

So that's unrealistic. Whereas I was like, oh, wow, like this is about like being open-minded and letting someone sweet and sort of like judging a man by his soul, but not by his mechanical hands. You know, the fact that you're struggling to come up with an explanation as an adult

makes me think you probably didn't say that as a child oh god just quickly did you used to sort of like fantasize about

sort of something like that coming like you know films and shit coming real and all that sort of like you know have I told you about my thing with Moesha about something like that coming, films and shit coming real and all that sort of vibe.

Have I told you about my thing with Moesha? Have I told you about this? No, no, no. Have we talked about this? So you know Moesha? No, I don't think so. You know the sitcom with Brandon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a dream that Moesha and I

were in a relationship. Wow. Like we were going out and... How old were you at this time? Fucking hell, when was... I must have been like... I don't know, whenever Moesha was out. I don't know, how old were we?

Like 16, 15, 16, something like that? Yeah, 15, 16, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I woke up from that dream sort of convinced, I would say, for about... from that dream sort of convinced i would say for about initially initially i would say it went anyway it didn't get better immediately initially for five minutes convinced i was in a relationship with her. Then sort of the realize.

Also knowing that you were as, you were as a sad as 15, 16 year old as me. It's like, it would have been a bit of happiness that you've got. It's like, just, you know,

it's first thing you've got a girlfriend and fucking hell. She's managed to see through. She managed to see something in me that nobody I've ever encountered has managed to see, including my family, but I could be, you know, somebody that you'd want to spend time with. And then after that, this is the saddest bit, I would say, sadder than sort of thinking I was in a relationship with her.

I then, for a short time, became convinced that... I'm so surprised. I sort of became convinced for a little while that this may be some sort of sign. Do you know what I mean? Man. Do you know what? That is the sweetest thing. Do you know what it is?

That's how stalkers are born. Do you think you've got stalker instincts? No, but I'm saying that's the kind of thing that leads to somebody being a stalker. Mate, look, if you hadn't had the rationality you've got, and probably sort of like, that's the trouble with both myself and you, right? Is that we could fracture it into like... We're both a pair of losers, right? And we have been losers, but yeah, we are. We are, we are.

It's just funny to hear you say it that bluntly, but yeah, we are. Let's be perfectly honest, right? We've probably got four... We've had four years of being with, like winning a little bit. We've had a little taste of success. But even,

even that, even that's been laced with hideous anxiety. Yeah. So for the majority of our lives, we've been crippling imposter syndrome, but yeah, God. Sad losers.

Catherine will sometimes turn to me and I'll, at a party, I'll find someone or chat to someone who like feels down on their luck or whatever. And someone like who might, other people might push aside and think they're a bit of an oddball. Right. I love people like,

because I know that I was, I've been like that most of my life. Here's what I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to come up with your, um, your brandy one. Do you remember when Greece too?

Like, do you remember Greece too? A lot of people think that's like a classic, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's better than Grease 1. But also better than Grease 1 is almost everything.

But go on, anyway. I got obsessed with Grease 2. Okay. Obsessed, right? To the point that I knew all the songs. What was it about it? Because I think for men, for blokes, I find that there's certain things where if somebody looks super cool in the film,

I think for people like you and me as well, who kind of really would aspire to being cool, what happens is, is you see someone like that and you really latch onto it. So, for example, for me, right, in Back to the Future, Marty McFly, when he's like, when he's doing the skateboarding and all that shit and then like his mum found he pulls the thing off the top of the the car and invents the skateboard in 1954 that fucking blew my mind i wanted to be him so bad you know what i mean like it was mate that's so greece too have you seen greece too yeah i don't i don't i don't remember it fully so you're gonna so you had a guy called michael as far as i remember right who was like this outsider kind of like sort of like niki kind of sort of geeky guy right who

everyone sort of like no one fancied him he was just a bit of a geek right and then he became the cool rider right he's he basically had to ride a motorbike because the t-birds were sort of like the cool guys uh and then he sort of took them on, tinted helmet, leathers, and everyone was like, who's this fucking, you know, there's like, who's that guy? Yeah, who's that guy? Where did he come from?

He's very similar to Back to the Future, this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my head, right, I went through a process of like starting to sort of work out a way that I could go from this guy who was sort of like essentially in class a lot of people's big sister uh to being like to being like the cool guy who like you know

took on sort of the school bullies on his bmx oh my god mate i relate i relate to this so much so i used to sort of like train for ages on my BMX trying to do stunts right and then I tried to convince my mum and dad that I wanted like

an all sort of like black sort of motorbike helmet that I could wear with my bike which would look insane on a shit BMX right it's absolutely mental you know that

that moment right where you think it's absolutely mental. You know that moment, right, where you think you look really cool, or, you know, in the end, I end up with, like, a sort of full, like, bike helmet without the visor, right? And a BMX that I'm not that good on, right? And then I just sort of, like, turn up to, like, I'd cycle to school one day and I I sort

of I bloused out of doing any sort of tricks or taking on the bullies but you know that weird thing in your head right a film tells you navigating adulting isn't always easy you're not just working you're working late and dinner dates are all what's your five-year plan and you're thinking paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal, probably. So when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you, reach for Kraft Dinner. Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's got to be KD.

When you got to do you, it's got to be KD. Shop now. So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments?

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Unless we're talking Kudos new phone internet and streaming bundle with the happy stack you can sit back and stack up the savings on kudo internet a sweet phone plan netflix disney plus and amazon prime all starting at just 99 a month stack more spend less the happy stack only at kudo conditions apply that this guy changed everything by becoming that cool guy and as a young person you can sit and watch that and go oh my god that's probably what i need to do is an absolute fucking nick right but like if you were to do that right number one you'd be thrown off your bike and someone beat the absolute shit out of you for like but also worse than that would be the best version of that right yeah if someone throws

you off your bike and kicks a granny out of you yeah yeah the worst version is everyone stands going what what is tom davis doing on that bike circling around doing that sort of thing of making a cool entrance it's so tragic isn't it i think like 0.3 percent of the population can make a cool entry you know what i i used the other thing that i used to do is like there was a during bad boys came out and there was that song on bad boys shy guy right so i became convinced that that was my theme tune, right? I just feel like... And I'd have it on all the time. And I'd walk around, like, with it on my earphones, just imagining that everybody I was walking past

was also hearing that song. Yeah, just looking at it going, like... I don't want somebody loving everybody. I need a shy guy. A kind of guy. Oh, my God. Try to get it on in every club you're in. Oh, my. It's so pathetic.

Just thinking everyone's... Do you know shy guy? I always think of Ramesh when I hear shy guy. That's a level up from who's that guy? Where can I get one? Who's that guy where can i get one i want a ride and it's cool there's a picture right yeah and oh man i could put it up i'll have to find it my sister would have to send it to me but there's a picture of me when i was going for my grease two phase um and i had my hair done like it and everything it was like yeah i had a similar

thing i had a similar thing i think i look really badass right yeah and i look at it now and go oh god i i don't think similar thing with uh flavor flavor public enemy i sort of like was obsessed flavor flames cooler than michael from bro, so, so he would wear like, he would wear this really bright colored clothing and like a top hat and a clock and stuff. I wasn't that brave to wear all that shit, but I did wear one element. I brought like a really brightly colored coat.

I think you've mentioned this. I think you, yeah. And then I wear it into school. And then like a girl that I really fancy just sort of saying, why are you wearing your nan's coat or whatever? Kids are merciless, man. In context, that feels so amazing.

You sort of think I look like, in your head, you think you look like this. Because in your head, what you're doing is you're layering on all of the elements of the film or the person you're trying to emulate and you look like that. But actually, what you look like is you.

Do you know what I mean? It's how advertising works for clothes and stuff i remember seeing the godfather and then greasing my hair back with like remember that gel that used to get like the blue gel yeah yeah i remember like seeing the godfather i was quite young when i saw that my dad was like yeah it's a masterpiece you should you know you should watch it whatever and um i became obsessed with it and i greased all my hair back to try and look like Michael Corleone. And then I remember walking into school and a kid called Gary Smith just turned to me and was like,

would you brush your hair with a pork chop? For about a month after that, I was like, pork chop. Do you know what I mean? Kids are hardcore, man. Kids are hardcore. Okay. Should we do some emails? Yeah, baby. All right. Set it up right uh once again thank you to the swan

uh for uh yeah for doing the emails oh my god that was awful okay so this is from anonymous hi wolf al and swan i'm hoping you can offer some advice seeing as you've been so good at it in the past i've been married to my husband for almost i put a sarcastic tone on that i don't think it was meant sarcastic yeah yeah you put some stank on that yeah sorry um I've been married to my husband for almost... I put a sarcastic tone on that. I don't think it was meant sarcastic. Yeah, you put some stank on that. I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years and we have two kids. My husband has always had annoying habits, but since lockdown they've become more apparent and now I'm on the edge

every day. I literally want to punch him in the face. Jeez. I can't wait until his office opens again and he can fuck off to work. She's put that in capital. Generally, as you're reading this, I'm thinking this could actually be Catherine, right? It's so weird that Swan would write an email and select it herself. I would like your opinion on his irritating habits.

Are my complaints justified or should I just let it go and cut him some slack? I have to just say, I don't moan at him all the time. I bite my tongue most days, but he's really starting to wind me up. I don't want to get it off my chest. Here's the list in no particular order. They all fuck me off in equal measure. Okay, first one. He fills the kettle right up to the top

just to make one cup of tea every single time. Oh, God, I do this. This could actually be me. When he brushes his teeth, he puts the tap on full whack and leaves it running until he's finished. I do both those things. He leaves lumps of butter in the jam and breadcrumbs

in the butter. No, I don't do that. I do do that, actually, but not in butter, obviously, because butter's morally irreprehensible. He doesn't rinse plates before putting them in the dishwasher. Yeah, I do that. He slurps his tea really loud. He doesn't clean the toilet after himself. After his shower, he leaves his wet towel

hanging on the bathroom door rather than putting it back in the bathroom. On the bedroom door, sorry. I could go on, but I'm winding myself up just typing this email. Are you guilty of any of these dickhead crimes? I imagine Romesh might be, but not Tom. He's probably the perfect husband. Big love, Dog. Well, first

of all, fuck you, Dog. And also, Dog, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Yeah i i think i'm culpable of a number of those different things and more it's yeah i don't know you know what it is i mean katherine has spent a lot of time discussing like look you know i've got to say that katherine mentions these to me she has that we have discussions about it it's not like you know i think and i think that's the healthiest thing to do when it comes to talking about like these,

these type things, because for a lot of us, I think lockdown has just emphasized the smallest of things. I'm, mate, I, most of those and more I'm terrible of like, you know,

I'm awful. Like, and, and, and you know what, every time I think I've like, like completed a level of like being better around the house

something else cuts in at the moment the one that like the bone of contention is how do you like I wash my hands

right so I'll put water on my hands then I'll put soap on my hands then I'll wash my hands right but then what happens is I then get water

all over the back of the sink and literally like that's like there's a puddle and I don't clean that up and then Catherine that's like there's a puddle and i don't clean that up and then katherine's like yeah there's a puddle by the sink and she gets really annoyed by that right but i just sometimes i think men right men are like idiots like we don't we

don't think about them like it's insane when you like you like i lived with like mates before this before i was in like a relationship i'm in now right and i look at how disgusting and like how like primitive we were in how we lived right like don't get me wrong i've like there's like still stuff i've got to work on but i look at and think oh my god like when katherine would say i would do that and i'll go well actually that is pretty vile or that's pretty disgusting or it's pretty fucking like insensitive of someone else i think i'm sitting with two other people who did that all the time i know and and the other thing is like like with regards to your email dog like first of all i i did i did do a

couple of those things um what i would say is um i don't think you're alone in that like like lisa and i watching a i can't remember what show it was, but in the show, they were making a list of things that irritated them about their partner. And I said, imagine if we were doing that list. And Lisa listed 18 things before I'd even finished the fucking question. I mean, like she just had it in her locker.

There were just things that I do that wind her up. Do you know what I mean? Did you have a really muggy thing as well when you turned around? You were like, there's things that irritate me about you. And then Catherine's like, like what? And you're like, and you struggle to name two.

100%. I can't. Genuine, I'm not saying this because, listen, I'm not even saying this to suck up to this one. I would love to have shit. I would love to have shit. Oh, mate, I would fucking hate this. I would love to throw that in her fucking face.

There is nothing about her. There's nothing. I don't know what to say. I feel like a pathetic... I feel like, you know, when you watch a fucking film and it's like a big courtroom drama and fucking Kevin Costner takes a stand

and makes some fucking emotive speech and then the guy on the other side just looks at the guy's representatives and shakes his head like, oh, they've got us. That's what I fucking feel every time we get into that.

And the trouble is, she's right. And then I start trying to pick at things. they've got us yeah that's what i fucking feel every time we get into in that vault net and like and and the trouble is she's right i i and then i start trying to pick at things i've got nothing yeah i've got literally nothing yeah sometimes i'll try and look for something and then when you think that he's you know she'll do something like um i don't know uh she'll put like a she'll put one of my hats away and then i think she didn't put that in exactly the place that I took it from. And I try and find it. I try and generate an annoyance. And then I think,

if you say that out loud, it sounds mental. Yeah, she's put your hat away. You shouldn't have left your hat out in the first place. You're a considerate prick. Do you know what I mean? Everything that you're going to have,

right, is a circumstance you've borne yourself. Yeah, yeah. You're absolutely right. It's like, the truth of the matter, because that's another thing that annoys me is me saying that all the time.

Dog, just be honest with him. Just say that this is... Men are just fucking filthy fucking pigs. And we should be better at that, but we're not. I don't know why. Maybe someone more educated than us can jump onto this and say.

Dog, what I would say to you is, I wouldn't present him with this list. No, no, no. What I would say to you is, these things have been made worse because he's at home. When he goes back to work, things will return to normal. We've all been through a difficult situation where we're spending more time

than you're supposed to with your partner you know you think about relationships long-term relationships were designed in a in a time when you know marriage monogamy all of that stuff was designed in a time when we died much younger and we saw each other a lot less so now you're in a situation where we're living longer and now this pandemic has meant that you're with each other 24-7 and you can't handle it. Do you know what I mean? It's too much. And as Tom said, maybe like

suggest one of them to him, get that dealt with, and then when you feel like you've overcome that and you're having some good times again, fuck it up with the second one on your list and get him to deal with that. And then get him to deal with the third one and gradually work your way through, you know? To drop some deepness on this.

Sometimes it's not about the little things he's doing. There's something bigger behind it. You think so? No, I know so, because I've done a little fair bit of therapy. And some part of it is, like, what you'll do is you'll focus. Like, we used to have arguments about me not opening the bathroom window when i've been for a shower because it would be moldy and the therapist was like it's not about the bathroom window it's about listening to the things that you've been asked to do and being more sensitive to the other person's needs so the bathroom window is a reason

is like the like is the icing on the cake of all of the shit that he's doing. But actually, it's him just being a little bit more sensitive and trying to get... He's not going to be able to cure all those things. But the main thing he needs to do is engage with it. But if he knows he needs to be a bit more considerate,

he might think of those things a bit more. Do you know what I mean? Exactly, rubbish. And that is the truth of the matter. Okay, well done throwing a little slam to katherine now uh okay this episode is brought to you by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum parabens dyes dyes, talc, and baking soda.

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Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. And teaming up. Or face extinction.

Godzilla Kong. The new empire. Fight together. And teaming up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, The New Empire. Now playing only in theaters. Next email. This is from The Seal. Dear Rom, Tom and Swam. Absolutely love him. Imagine if it was actual Seal, the singer. Oh, yeah. I'd get a real buzz if he listened to this.

Would you? I think I'd be slightly disappointed in him. Really? Okay. Shout out Seal, man. Yeah, shout out Seal. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Absolutely love the pod. Please keep up the good work. I'm in a fairly new relationship, and recently i met a couple of my girlfriend's friends for the first time at their place for dinner where we were then spending the night the evening was going well but as it got into the later part of the evening i'd realized i'd drunk a significant amount more than anyone else starting to feel a bit pissed at this point i checked myself uh and almost had an instant feeling of beer fear paranoia takeover this may have been recognized as shortly after the night due to a close and everyone headed to bed need to say in the morning

with a slightly thick head the fear paranoia was still pretty strong i remember the whole night just parts of conversations are a bit hazy i definitely remember waffling at some points at breakfast everyone was lovely and then we went on our way but it's a few days after and i still can't help feeling that i made a pretty desperate and slightly embarrassing account of myself have either of you been in this position before, I guess the whole thing of, if you don't get a second attempt at a first impression, sorry,

I guess the whole thing of you don't get a second attempt at a first impression is weighing down on me. Much love, the seal. Tom. Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ.

Pretty much everyone I've ever met for the whole of my life is is like every time i drink and meet someone new i have beer fear like paralyzing beer fear like the amount of times i've sat in a situation where this is the worst thing about beer fear is thinking that you're making a bad having a bad account of yourself and trying to rectify that by giving a better account of yourself is like literally like jumping on like jumping off a cliff of like self like wallowing in self-doubt like being in the same house as like a load of people as well over a weekend of the first time you're meeting them that is having to wake up and look people in the eye over breakfast oh man years and years and

years ago i was going out with this girl and her brother got married right um and i was going and i was going to meet her family a lot of her family for the first time a lot of you know friends of the family and whatever and i got so fucking drunk because i thought that's going to be the best way to handle this right he's just getting leathered and just being like you know, and you know that weird thing of going, drunk Tom is fun Tom, right? I will be the guy that everyone, you know, and

as we've talked about before on this stag do's, blah blah blah I'm Mr. You know, at this point if I've not met anyone like on a stag do and I'm covered in cold, I was like I'll just get drunk and I'll be, you know, fun time Tom so I get more and more drunk before the actual even before the the wedding I'm leathered do you know what I mean I've been at the free bath then comes the sort of service where I'm sort of you know sitting there half cut stinking of booze like but still thinking

I'm doing okay I'm you know you know, like this, yeah, I could go through the whole agonizing day, but it culminated on the sort of first dance. You know, when they have the first dance and everyone sort of moves onto the dance floor. I was so fucking drunk. I hadn't really eaten. Yeah.

I threw up on the dance floor. Right. I then slipped in my own sick. But three other people fell over in my own sit. Oh, no. I was just lying there, like, trying to claim that I had food poisoning. I was, like,

escorted to bed, like, escorted to bed as sort of, like, mortified faces just watch me like you know i woke up in bed alone the next day and the whole wedding party had gone out surfing and no one had told me i found this out by going down to breakfast and someone at the hotel who looked absolutely disgusted at me was like you know yeah not everyone's going surfing you know you're the guy type thing it was like mortifyingly like that was a moment in my life where i went like i have to probably grab hold of this like this is like you know because i don't want to be that guy yeah i i had uh well i had a night where uh i was out with like I did a book tour and on the last night of the book tour

I went out with like the driver and one of the publicists and I got so drunk and my behaviour was so bad that I didn't drink for eight months after that I just had a period of like

let's work up the next day and i thought i can't i and i didn't know where i was going to give up permanently but i just thought i was going to go but the story i want to tell is i've told this story before i can't remember where but i don't know i don't think i've told it on here but have i told you about when i was in edinburgh and i was like me i didn't have an agent have i told you this story no no don't think so so i was in edinburgh the gina festival and you know meeting all these industry people there's somebody that wanted to like work with me and they said you know what a good thing about working together to do if you're going to work together

is like uh you know just have an evening together and and see how it goes and you know if we get on so all right so before i went to meet this person i I had quite a few drinks with a couple of mates. And then I turned up to meet them, and then we had a few more drinks. And I was quite pissed, right? And I didn't get up, and I'm too pissed for this to really carry on and me to give a good account of myself. I'm going to take myself out of the situation. So anyway, this has been really nice. I'm going to head off. And he went, oh, which way are you going?

Where are you staying? And I said i said oh across the other side of the meadows and he went oh i am too so we started walking together and we're sort of walking i'm trying to hide my pissness anyway about midway back to the flat my flat i start really needing a piss like really really badly needing a piss right so i'm thinking to myself i don't there's no bars here we're sort of out there's no nowhere to go really and i don't really know this guy i'm sort of feeling slightly uncomfortable i don't want to go behind i don't want to say to somebody this industry person i'm just meeting that i'm going to go behind a tree for a piss because some people just are not cool about that right so i just thought

i'm just gonna have to hold it in so i carry on walking and then i just start getting really fucking desperate like super desperate right i'm so drunk right i don't know why i thought this is okay i thought i'm just gonna do a bit of a bit of piss to release the pressure. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. I genuinely thought my sick story would be the most disgusting thing that we talked about here. So I just thought I'm just going to do a little bit of piss, then cut it off, right? And then hopefully I've just emptied the tank.

You can't. The mechanics don't work like that. Well, I did manage to cut it off, right? So what happened was i took i pissed a little bit and then i stopped but then what happened is i became much more desperate than i was before obviously right because like everything had gone into launch sequence then i mean it's like so i'm carrying on walking and i'm just like fucking hell i was almost it was i needed to piss so much more i was almost nostalgic for how much i needed to piss before i just done that

strategy right so i'm carrying on walking thinking what the fuck am i gonna do he carries on talking I was almost nostalgic for how much I needed to piss before I just done that strategy. Right. So I'm carrying a walk in thinking, what the fuck am I going to do? He carries on talking. So I basically, I just thought it was sort of dark and quite wet. I basically decided to slowly piss myself as I was walking. Oh my God. That's the bleakest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Did he have any idea that you were just doing that? I don't know. I don't know because I was so drunk. So I was thinking to myself, I felt like I was doing a bit every now and again, right? Just a slow release, right? Just release the valve, release the valve. How many pints did you drop, by the way?

A lot. A lot. a lot, a lot. So you probably, what, five pints of urine coming out of you? I guess so, yeah, I guess so. So I was walking along. But the thing is, it's the first time it's ever occurred to me, you asking that question.

What do you do if you think the person that you've just met that evening is walking along and wetting themselves as they're talking? Like, what do you do? Do you address that? I don't think you address it. You think this person is a

fucking low-level psychopath. In any scenario, this person isn't comfortable enough with me. This person is so uncomfortable with me as a human being, he'd sooner piss himself than tell me, I'm so sorry, there's a

tree there i yeah we've had 12 pints of lager i'm just gonna go and have a piss which which then puts the onus on them because then if they go oh that's disgusting that that's them being like that you pissed yourself and you didn't even do it in one go no you systematically yeah like so you were like yeah i sort of did it every time we sort of finish an anecdote or every time i'd stop talking i would do yeah hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on you said you were sober enough right you were sober enough to be telling anecdotes and still be selling yourself as a comedian, right?

You were that sober, yeah. But you were also drunk enough to think that pissing your pants in public was okay. Like, that's not even like an accidental, like, oh, yeah, yeah, I was walking down the street and I pissed myself. That's like, I actually think that this... incidental like oh yeah yeah i was walking down the street i pissed myself that's like i actually think that this

i think it's more socially acceptable for me to piss my pants than it is to to to be as disgusting as we behind the tree do you know do you know what the worst thing about it was it's like you know i i've got no idea to this day how aware that person was of what happened. What I can tell you is, my flat was first, and as I turned to him to say goodnight, there was a bit of steam coming off my chest.

He didn't give you a cuddle, did he? No. Like a TV cuddle? No, thank God, no. Steam coming off your trousers! But we're walking pretty fast, so rubbish is a little bit of, like, fucking chafing. Steaming chafing. Burning off a little bit of lactic acid there or something.

What did you do with your trousers and your pants? I ran in and I put them straight in the wash. I wouldn't have thrown them. If I'd have shat myself, I probably would have thrown them. Did you have a shower before bed? Before bed, yeah. I'm not a fucking animal the wash. I wouldn't have thrown them. If I'd have shat myself, I probably would have thrown them. Do you ever shower before bed? Before bed? Yeah. I'm not a fucking animal.

Yes, I did. Do you know what? Do you know what? No, no, no. I think the worst thing about that might be you asking me that question. No, no, no. How dare you?

How dare you? You've just told me and all these listeners that you wet yourself on purpose because you thought it was too like I don't even know who I'm dealing with anymore

old school Rob I'd go yeah he'd definitely shout there's a part of me that thinks you're just laying in bed after just in a t-shirt with no fucking

pants and jeans on in your t-shirt and socks like a little boy at the beach waking up in damp sheets oh my g we've got to wrap up now haven't we yeah we've got to wrap up my g i've got shit to be doing listen guys uh i hope you enjoyed the bonus episode we'll try and do another one soon

um we're figuring out merchandise we're pretty close and we're going to figure out how we're going to sell it and also we're figuring out probably details of maybe one live event oh yeah

we're literally it feels quite premature to announce that I mean literally something weird to be fair to me I just wanted to say

I mean I think we're going out on a big note okay yeah piss gate I just want everyone as well to say what they think

about the Romesh because I genuinely thought yeah I'm a disgusting human being for fucking throwing up at someone's wedding and you have completely fucking schooled that myself uh guys thank you so much for listening we'll see you on wednesday take care peace out my guy If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfowlpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.