Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #24

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

After a speedy apology about our new merch selling out so quick, we dig into some chat about Christmas cards, role models, political parties and yet another pretty disgusting story. Then some more of your emails - this week about a drunken night’s stay in a hotel, settling with remaining single and the meaning of a ‘G’. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred They'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves Then podcast the body parts, get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows

Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck their censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill. Never sheep's clothing. Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon. You'll see nothing. All you hear is a huff, a puff and a... Expect killings.

Red spilling and flesh ripping. Impressive in it. The death bringing, it's head spinning. Just kidding. Every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog. Oh my gosh, it's exciting times. Wolf and Al, bonus there bonus air mate can you believe

right can you believe right in a week we're dropping merch and a bonus app i know that's some serious swizzle right there and a lot of people will say is it because they've got all thirsty because the merch sold out and now they've decided to actually pull their fingers out and do a bonus set, possibly? You know what? I think we're doing it because number one, we probably need to just talk about the elephant in the room and the fact that

I genuinely didn't think the merch would sell out. That's so... I actually became the person I hated then. Can I tell you something? I can't do this anymore, tell you something? I can't do this anymore, Tom. Okay?

I can't do this thing where you're publicly facing, you sort of put on this faux humility and whatever. When on the phone to me, you're going, fucking stack it up,

get it out of there, these dicks will buy anything. Keep getting it in. No, no, no. You tell them we're not sure about it, they'll start thinking it's like a little family business, you know, let's support,'s support fuck them rom and then we come on here and you're like my

friend my learning friend a little a little little old tom little old tom my learning friend i i can draw my own noose after what my uh my moment after that i became very like reet aurora then that's what i felt like like you know those really like people with no sort of humility black no but you know that just dropping just trying yeah but my point was this a lot of people we have a quite a few people contacting us about um uh the hoodies and the t-shirts that um if there's going to be any more before christmas sadly due to our own patheticness and we didn't think we'd so we we thought we'd be left with some over christmas so we didn't get enough we didn't mind that we didn't mind that what it was us we didn't

yeah we just didn't think we didn't we didn't think that we thought that'd be enough and and we yeah so it will be after christmas there will be another drop. Yeah. Like, you're genuinely talking to two idiots who can't work. We've just, it's taken us nearly six months to get this lot done. You're talking to two idiots that say you're talking to, as if this is a conversation.

That's how stupid we are. All one of us is. But the point is, we will try and work out a way that we could do a pre-order system and then those who want one can order them and then we can just get made up forthwith and i think we we just need to get more in don't we i mean there's pre-orders yeah yeah the other thing i'm thinking about doing right this is this is a really cool idea that I've been thinking about. Socks. And on the right foot is the wolf,

and the left foot is the owl. Obviously, because I'm right-handed, you're left-handed. Cue loads of emails going, really like the podcast. Actually, if I'm being honest with you, the wolf is my favourite. Could I possibly buy a hundred right socks? No, I just think it's cute if I'm the right foot

and you're left-handed. So you're the left foot. I'm not left-handed, no. As you well know. I thought you were left-handed. No, because that's the thing where people of a certain cleverness are left-handed, right? I don't know about that, but I can tell you that

statistically we've got an anomaly in our house that two of the three boys are left-handed. What? Is Lisa left-handed, right? I don't know about that. But I can tell you that statistically, we've got an anomaly in our house that two of the three boys are left-handed. What? Is Lisa left-handed? No. Oh, wowzers.

She can barely write. She uses both hands. She holds the top of her hand like a crayon. With a massive crayon. Her tongue half coming out. Do you know my tongue comes out of my mouth

when I write? I've got a really weird way of writing. Have you? Yeah, I didn't wear glasses. Do you crab around the outside of the pen? Yeah, it's kind of like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I get really close to the... And also, I get like a stickiness, right? Like, when my hand gets quite clammy, because I get quite nervous about holding a pen, I get like a stickiness that, like, the ink just touches my skin. And then, like, I'll write a birth... Say, like, the other day I wrote Christmas cards.

First three, beautiful. My penmanship is next level, right? Yeah. After that, it's just likemanship is next level, right? Yeah. After that, it's just like a smear. It looks like a fucking spider's wiped his ass with a fucking load of ink and then just walked across the cards. That's what it looks like. A couple of surprises in there.

Yeah. One, that you do Christmas cards. Yeah. One, that your household does Christmas cards, and two, that you're the one that writes them. We do them together. Do you not do Christmas cards? We sort of moved away from doing them a bit.

Why? Well, because there's a number of reasons. Too cool? Yeah, that's one of the reasons. Another reason is... This is the trouble. You think you're too cool, right? This is...

And look, I was actually... I made a thing with myself not to do this in this episode, and I was really going to try hard not to, right? I look like Is this what I look like today? You look fucking cool as fuck, man. Like, you look like the kind of guy who doesn't do Christmas cards, but I know internally

in there somewhere is someone who'd like to do Christmas. And also, by the way, I didn't go and notice, and I'm going to make sure this is a video, Kip. When I said you look cool as fuck, you pouted, bro, you went like this yeah I did do that it wasn't because of that though mate that was

in our friendship that was one of the only times I've ever gone oh my god I'm friends with this guy what as in I can't believe it, he's such a fucking legend no as in if you ever did that when we were out this would be the reaction right alright Rom, alright Tom you alright, you alright No, as in, if you ever did that when we were out, this would be the reaction, right? All right, Ron. All right, Tom.

You all right? You all right? Yeah, just for the... Again, can we just... Can you do that again so that the listeners can hear your silent mind? No, it's that... Can I say... No, listen, genuinely, it sounds like I'm trying to say this to get out of it. After a few days off,

I've put these Invisalign things back on because I've been filming and I can't talk. Can you hear the difference? Your voice sounds beautiful. Your dialect. It gives me a very, very slight lisp. I kind of like it. But what it feels like is you've got a lisp

and then you're a bit embarrassed about the lisp, so you're overcompensating with this kind of new edgy rom. No, there's no... OK, we have to... Sometimes I think to myself, I know Tom's joking, and I think people listening don't know. I've just been for a run, I've got a hoodie and a hat on, and I ran in straight to do the podcast.

Literally, like... I think, mate, genuinely, this is a look that works for you. You think so? I'd say your Idris levels right now, right, in an Idris, is I'd say 78% to 79%. Thanks, that's really good. I nearly went to the 90s, but yeah, you look cool, bro. Yeah.

What trousers do you have? You got shorts on or? I've got trackie bottoms on. Oh, nice, boy. Black tracksuit bottoms. What's slightly under-wise I've also worn slippers. Mate, this is the time for slippers.

What slippers are you busting these days? I've got these little, this little kind of backless jobbies. Let me show you.

So you can, you know, the backless kind of, they're like kind of like old man. Oh, mate, they're nice though. Yeah, yeah.

Lisa thinks they're dreadful. She hates them. This is what I bust these days. Oh, the Ralphs. Oh, Ralph. Lisa thinks they're dreadful. She hates them. This is what I bust these days. Oh, the Ralphs. Oh, Ralph. The Ralph Muckerson.

It'll be like you just finished a shift at a Turkish barbershop. That's bad. There's a Tony on the bottom of one of them. Yeah, why pick it up and show?

Just leave it. I hadn't noticed it. Because there's an earnesty about me. Yeah. Yeah. I want to just explain why I don't need christmas cards okay yeah go but um but when i was at school i don't know if everyone's done this if this is a rite of passage

i remember like you know when you do the christmas class for your whole class yeah i remember like just obviously you're doing it from memory because you know all the people in your class i remember like not knowing who the last person like i just this was one short and i was like who the fuck is this who the fuck is this and i couldn't remember and i spent ages thinking oh my god i'm gonna take the christmas cards into class and this this person's gonna be like fucking furious because and then i'm gonna get bullied for like leaving this person out i i i almost cried and this went on for about 40 minutes right until genuinely this is how fucking stupid I am, I realised it was me. Because there's 25 people in the class,

I'd do 24 cards. That just shows what a sweet little soul you must have been. And also, is anyone in your class that in your head you were thinking is so easily forgotten would even have the front to bully you.

That's how low down I'm on the pecking order. That's how worried I was. Even the kid that nobody remembers is going to beat the fuck out of me. Mate, I think... And it turns out I found the only kid that wasn't lower down on the scale than me, and that's me. Man, I think it's a beautiful thing, right? You just get your fucking self into your big snuggly coat,

get a pair of boot shoes on, maybe some sort of like snow boots and just walk around the houses just dropping off christmas cards and what yeah so you're doing for your street i don't think i'd stand for the street i do for friends yeah look the other raganathan's gonna get us a christmas car let me tell you something how much i think of you and your family right yeah i'm not even gonna give you the fucking, like, you know, like you'll get a pack, the charity pack. I'll be getting you a bespoke Christmas card this year.

Well, that's not true, is it? It is. Well, bespoke suggests it's tailor-made for just our... What you're saying is you're going to buy an individual card rather than one from a pack, is what you mean. Mate, I will be going and getting a bespoke card, in whatever that means. It's not bespoke, Tom. Mate, it will be.

No, bespoke is designed for the individual. So, here we go, right? If you get what you endeavour is a bespoke Christmas card to the Ranganathans, right? Yeah. I will thank both you and Moonpig.

No, don't undermine Moonpig and everything they're doing, bro. I'm not undermining Yeah. Right? I will thank both you and Moon Pig. No. Don't undermine Moon Pig and everything they're doing, bro. I'm not undermining them. It's just great. If you get one, right, it's like, I'm just now, the only trouble is I'm having a slight. What's happening to your brain now? No, I'm having a slight Romesh, child Romesh, right? Yeah.

Because in my head, right, I've got Romesh, Lisa, and two of your boys' names. I can't remember the third boy. So which two can you remember? Charlie and Theo. Okay. Alex. That's it, Alex.

Who's actually my favourite. Yeah, you repeatedly tell me that. Yeah. It'd be delighted. It'd be delighted. I so hope that he doesn't listen to this when he's 21 and he hears his hero say that. Sure.

Sure. Sure. Listen, I love you, as you know, like a brother, but if Alex grows up with you as his hero, God help our parenting. I would actually turn myself into social services. Yeah, but if he, no,

he probably would look at me and go like a big zany uncle, you know? No, but don't disrespect Tom. I love you and I think what you've done with your life is incredible. If you think I want my son to aspire to follow in the path of... One of the only people who's got the same level of mental health issues as I do. Who would you... Ideally, who would you...

Riddled with the level of self-doubt that I've got. Who would be the... Who do you look at when you're talking about heroes? Your boys? I don't... I really don't know. It's difficult because... Do you know that Youngblood?

Have you seen... You know Youngblood, the singer? Right, so... I'm not saying... Listen, I'm not saying I want him to be a hero to my kids. But that sort of individuality and doing whatever the hell you want to do and dressing how you want and blah blah blah

I really respect it and I really love it and our eldest is a bit like that he sort of doesn't give a shit and he wants to do his own thing and walk his own path but then when he does do that I feel terrified for him because I know what I was like at school and the world's different.

It's a different place now, bro. Yeah, you're right. You are right. You're right. It's like when we were younger, any kind of difference. I say when we were younger, right? Even when you got into your 20s. And everyone I knew, right?

If you were meeting in a pub on a Saturday afternoon, pretty much everyone would wear like a Ben Sherman or a Ralph Lauren fucking shirt, polo shirt, usually with a Harrington from fucking Ben Sherman or fucking Ralph Lauren, a pair of Levi 501s and a pair of Reebok Classics.

That was like a uniform. And if you dared to break away from that... If you deviated from that, even if you wore a pair of classics had a bit more color on the normal you get absolutely rent then in the evening you literally kicked off the classics and put on a pair of wannabes yeah right and that was that was that was a uniform and you put on one of those boxy kind of vibey ralph shirts that was life right and anything that differed from that was different now it's a beautiful thing it's like

you know there's people like young blood out there you know who i i it's a beautiful thing it's like there's people like Youngblood out there you know who I think is a great hero for kids Chunks 100% agree he is an amazing

young man he's incredibly young he came on The Weakest Link and I liked him before I'd never met him before

but I'm a fan of what him and Young Philly do. And he just reinforced what I thought of him. I just think the geezer's top. I love him. Man, I tell you, at Soccer Aid, those two, when we went there,

and it was the first year we'd played, and I started a kinship with those two. Honestly, just an incredible pair of young men who have like absolutely set their goal to something and that with no real help to to build almost like a i suppose a sort of a whole sort of i don't know what the world would be this is what you're listening to is tom try and think of a word that isn't empire i was thinking of Brands, but actually Empire would have been better. In a way, they are like a cool, you'd be

Young Philly and I'd probably be Chunks. Why do you say that? I would say you'd be yeah, maybe, but I mean, you laugh more than I do. I mean, I love laughter. Laughter is honestly just one of my favourite things. Sometimes I just chuckle to myself. How often do you laugh a day, do you think?

I actually think I laugh quite a lot. You laugh a lot? I do laugh a lot. There's a myth that I don't laugh a lot because I've got a bit of a grumpy demeanour, but I do find things funny. You love laughing. I'd say 70% of your texts are ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

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Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, the new empire.

Now playing only in theaters. I'm looking thirsty. God, a shit day. You'll stay for another drink, won't you? Yeah, you get a text. You just put ha-ha. And then they replied. And they replied.

You think, what the fuck are you doing? That's clearly the end of this. This is the difference between me and you, right? Because you think that's a full stop. For me, that's a comma and someone going. And I sit here going. Somebody's got a bit of momentum. Set out the line.

Looks like I warmed up the crowd. Set out the line and we got ourselves a catch. Who said friendship was hard? You should George Costanza it, leave it a laugh. Oh, God. Anyway, should we

look Tom obviously the main reason we're doing the bonus here is to address the scandals from yesterday

with regards to the Tory Christmas party oh yeah I know that you text me saying that you had like 20-25

minutes of new material on this I've been watching this morning, actually. I've watched every bit. I've watched so much coverage of it. Man, same here. I do think it's like... Look, I'm not going to talk about what my opinion is. I think everybody's opinion is fairly uniform

on this about how bad it's got. Yeah, that's one nice thing. It seems like at Christmas, who'd have thought a bunch of posh would have brought the whole country together? Genuinely, it just feels... Yeah, it's a nice thing. Omnicron is splitting people apart. In a sense, Boris Johnson and

Rhys Mogg and all those pricks seem a little bit like the end of Elf where everyone starts singing. That feels like that's what they've done for this country. Well done, guys. Thank you for taking one for the team. But yeah, it's so funny because what i do look what i do find funny about it is everybody trying to every presenter

is trying to go viral with a moment where they skewer it i mean where they fucking perfectly absolutely nail it because this is big it's there for the taking if you deliver if you deliver a great question or you outmaneuver a politician or you know that's that goes huge right then suddenly suddenly you're looking at potentially a lunchtime show or something like that you can smash it just like you could level it like this is your big like step up ben shepherd now man this is your moment like you know yeah i bet sharpen your lance ben shepherd i've hit like and i love the i love ben he's an absolute gem i do i bet everyone was trying to get on that fucking like some little

coverage like even vanessa felts i bet's got a bit on it for this morning this morning what do you mean even vanessa felts well vanessa felts keeps it light these days like she's very much a positive vibe i've not listened to a radio show but I've heard it's like great great comfort I'll tell you what she's great at is handing out some advice I've become a this morning this morning addict

and Vanessa's really smashing out some great advice shout out Vanessa Phelps yeah I know you've become an addict because barely an episode goes past where you fucking can't

don't mention it and your opinions on what they should do what they should do with the presenting line up what you think of the new selection of toys they unveil for Christmas what let's get on with you man i was actually looking at presents for my niece and nephew that's actually one thing i will say that really slights me a

little bit is they so basically they turn around and they were saying these are the big presents of 2021 right okay you go on the i went on the website to buy them for my niece and nephew okay uh because that's how I roll still the same as I was as a kid an advert would just entice me and everything had gone have you seen these windy bum things? Gone my niece would love them

they're like little animals that sort of like fart and stuff and you put them down, my niece would love them yeah but just, she doesn't listen, she doesn't need a present. She needs you there. Who needs a little windy animal when you've got a big one coming to visit?

A massive wolf just sitting there farting. Just you fucking cocking your leg, letting one go and going, Merry Christmas, my girl. Actually, while we're talking about disgusting things, you've led the race in disgusting stories recently. What do you mean? Well, yeah, Pissing Your Pants one and your wanking story, right?

Yeah. And also the one you did about washing your arse off, right? Three. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'd actually forgotten about that. When you said that, it's actually given me a horrible moment of reflection there. Oh, God.

I'd actually forgotten about that. When you said that, it's actually given me a horrible moment of reflection there. I did something the other day to rival the disgustingness, right? I had a spot on my shoulder that I've had for a while, right? And I was told not to pick spots, right? I don't know. Have you heard that memo?

I've heard that you're not supposed to pick spots. Yeah, I didn't have to. It's not a memo. It's sort of commonly accepted. Yeah, well, they breed otherwise, right? They breed? Yeah, well, there's pus goes to other places and they'll grow more spots. Spread.

The way you're saying is you're suggesting two spots get together and fuck. One of the spots gets pregnant. Well, this spot was pregnant, right? And it gave birth just the other day. Right, so it's on my shoulder. And I get out of the shower and I'm like, oh, man, this... And it's, just the other day. So it's on my shoulder and I get out of the shower and I'm like, you know when they start to hurt,

right? I squeeze this spot and I feel it pop, right? I feel it pop and I look around to sort of go... Is that what you think this... Okay, go on. I find this very difficult to listen to. Why? I'm very squeamish about this sort of thing.

I watch videos about spot squeezing. I love that shit. Okay, cool. It doesn't make you hard. No, it's been saying. It sometimes makes me hard. Anyway, go on. I squeeze it right.

And then I'm sort of like, you know, go about my business. I cleanse the area. Sure. About half an hour, 40 minutes later, Catherine is going absolutely insanely mental with anger in our en suite, right? I'm like, oh, shit, what's happened? I have to go through a process of different things that I might have, like, you know, if I flushed the toilet properly, if I pissed on the floor, what could it be, right?

Anyway, I go up. What is it today? The fucking spot has exploded, right? And it has covered the ceiling. It's like... I mean, I'm a tall guy anyway, but there's a clear splatter mark on the ceiling.

The fucking power of it has just shot up, just burst all over the ceiling. Even I was a little bit close down. Yeah, not even. It's one of the most disgusting things i've heard all year oh yeah i love how you just live in a 12 month cycle well i'm not unlike you who every morning declares declares his breakfast is the best one he's ever had in his life i like at the end of the year you sit sit there and go, okay, analytically, best breakfast, June the 25th.

That's why I stopped doing Christmas cards, because I had to put that list together. Merry Christmas, and here's Rob's rundown of the year. Best breakfast. Well, I think it was Lisa and I were on a long drive. We dropped the kids off at school. We thought we'd have a little morning. Best tofu.

Without a doubt, it has to be Barcelona. Can I just say a little message to those of you that felt that best tofu didn't merit inclusion on the list? Can I just say to some people, it's actually quite an important part of their diet. So for you to neglect people who are vegetarian and vegan, I just think it's not very Christmassy of you. Anyway, I will continue.

Best open fire. So, when Catherine saw that spray on the scene, did she know what it was? Yeah, I mean, it was pretty evident. I mean, it was that or sort of like literally someone had fucking been shot in there. It was like, I'd say

like, you know, I'm holding my head as a circle. There was that circle. Please say, yeah, get a bit closer. There you go. Okay. It's a circle about, guys, everyone listening, it's a circle about that size. I don't understand. I don't know if you're doing it on purpose.

So there was that much. There was quite a, there was a good, yeah. And then she was just like, absolutely right. And then I had to try and clean it. so here's what i want to know obviously you're at fault for not slightly at fault through negligence rather than the malicious you're at fault for not noticing that had happened yeah but you're not at fault for having a spot on your back all right so what was how did cat how did cat process cat cat was the person who told me not to pick spots she's like you've got to be really careful because I'm obsessed

with as soon as I've got a spot, I've like, from being a child, I've always loved picking spots. You know, I had a friend when I was younger, right? What a horrible opening to your autobiography that'll be. Well, if you want it to get darker and more disgusting,

jump on the slope, right? I had a friend when jump on the slope, right? I had a friend when I was at school, right, who had a spot where if you picked it, right, within like four or five hours, it would refill. What are you talking about? So like he picked the spot. What, like an eternal spot?

Yeah, and pus would come out, right? And then like a couple of hours later, he would like roll his sleeve up again and it would be pussy again and he could pick it again and that went on for like probably the old secondary school okay what a load of bullshit no i swear it was like one of the coolest things i've ever seen like you or he just like sometimes in class when it was boring and stuff which is a lot of time like he would just do it and you'd just be like oh my fucking god that would be like that was in maths by fucking history or english in the afternoon.

That will be back and it will be pussy again. Tom, I really, I'm finding it very hard to believe. I swear, man. I swear. Somebody throughout secondary school had an ever pus-filling, that eternity spot. Yeah. I don't know if they've still got it now.

I'd have to ask them on Facebook. All right. But it's like a block poor that keeps on blocking so it just refills it's like the idea that your facebook page you believe your facebook page to be a more powerful resource than google is incredible right can i just google it now and prove this yeah please do yeah yeah please what should i just google refillable spot i don't think you're going to get what you need, but anyway, go on, try it.

I'll put refillable spot acne. By the way, while Tom's doing this, I should probably point out, on the last podcast, because I had that panic about my hour changing and because we were a bit tired, Tom and I had a bit of a crisis of confidence about whether we should put the podcast out at all.

And so we sent it to JT. God bless JT, the editor of the podcast. And we just said, what do you think? Let us know what you think. And he said, it's fine. It's fine. It's just in your heads. And obviously, they'll deviate up and down,

left and right, depending on how we're feeling when we do the podcast. JT, this is a message for you. Can you determine whether this spot story actually is okay to include? depending on how we're feeling when we do the podcast. JT, this is a message for you. Can you determine whether this spot story actually is okay to include? I want to throw up listening to it. It's absolutely disgusting. Look, it's a human

fucking angst that people have acne, Romesh. You're going to have to let that into your mind. No, you're right. That's what the problem with this is. It's my lack of recognition of people having acne. So what he might have had is a cyst that had pus in it, right? I haven't picked what's a pimple.

It's a pustule pimple that may appear on the face, elsewhere on the upper body, which was on his upper body. If they last under six or eight weeks and do not respond to treatment, it might be a good idea to see a doctor or a dermatologist. Cystic acne is probably what he had. But he had that for what, five years of secondary school? Yeah, well, four or five years. I didn't see a doctor.

Well, look, if I'm honest with you... What you're saying is... Let me reframe your story for you. Someone you went to school with had a cyst for five years. Let me just say something, right? And I need to be clear on this. Obviously, it was the coolest thing. When we started secondary school everyone was obsessed with it right and it was very cool and they thought you know obviously when he started

getting it out when we were a little bit older and we're you know fucking two three years down the line like anything it's like saying oh yeah i've got a nintendo at home yeah it's like yeah you're mature you're a mature bunch of lads you're growing out of this by then i get it i understand you're cool cats yeah but like what did you say oh oh mo sister so last year wait what i'm trying to tell you right if you can get your head around this yeah it's times move on that's what you've got to get your head around at times sure okay yeah there's something right well for example a couple years ago all i remember you talking about was nike jordans now you're all about yeezys yesterday it's not a good example it's not it's not it's a it's a terrible example right no but like yes it's a terrible example but go on well so basically we

all turn around and it's like oh my god he's got a cyst on it like a spot on his arm that always comes back then all of a sudden someone gets a pubic hair or someone like starts to grow a moustache or then you start getting ingrown hairs. Life moves on, brother. And that's what you have to get your head around. Yeah, okay, okay. This impassioned monologue is so misguided because it's absolutely,

you're absolutely not tackling what I'm talking about at all. you're absolutely not tackling what I'm talking about at all see yourself buying a home one day do future you a favor open a questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster the FHSA is a tax free account where all your investment gains are yours

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Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay, but what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx.

Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's say that... FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks.

No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. Let's do some emails. Sweet boy. Now, this is just, I don't know if this requires comment. I just, the Swan has sent me this email because it's just a mad story. Okay.

So it's off the back of me pissing myself in front of that industry person. Okay. Dearest Wolf, Owl and Swan, hope you're doing well. The past few episodes have been a little bit of an emphasis on wetting oneself. Romesh regaling his tale of incremental distribution of piss into his own pants made me feel I should share a recent caper of mine. I was invited to some

work drinks recently, which has been a novelty given the current climate, but nevertheless I was extremely excited for a night on the old smash. True to style, this is a great, by the way, this is written very well. True to style, I steamed straight in and massively overdid it in the early stage of the evening i finally managed to toddle off back to the nearby hotel i was staying at i live a fair way out of london so my work kindly put me off in a hotel to save me the drunken journey home alas this may not

continue give my recent escapade i got to my room about they said 1 p.m i'm assuming it's 1 a.m not too bad but still very much three sheets to the wind in the early hours i woke desperately needing the toilet i stumbled up over the bathroom door ready to unleash the wrath of my intoxicated bladder however what i thought was the bathroom door was in fact the hotel room door the bright lights of the corridor soon brought this to my full attention but by this time it's very much too late my hotel room door had closed behind me and i stood outside of my room with no key completely naked i don't usually sleep completely naked so i'm unsure as to what erotic pleasures i planned for myself that night but that was all irrelevant now as i stood locked locked outside

of my hotel room with not a stitch of clothes on after frantically trying the door handle countless times with no fortune with no fortune of it miraculously opening i finally admitted defeat and headed downstairs to reception via the lift using Using my hand to cover my shriveled penis wasn't too tricky given its size. I also had to account for my 40-year-old Elon Gator testicles. To cover the both of them at the same time would have been a test

for even the likes of Ray Clements and his dustbin lid-like hands. I travelled down two floors in the lift, completely naked, and finally I was at reception. The doors slowly opened. Similar to the doors opening on stars in their eyes with the great reveal of a transformed member of the public to a musical hero, there I stood in front of the poor receptionist, completely naked. My receptionist was met by an overweight 40-year-old, completely stark bollock naked,

shamelessly trying to cover a pair of testicles that looked like two snooker balls stuffed into a verruca sock. If things couldn't get any worse, I suddenly realised the reason why I was awake in the first place. To go to the toilet. Desperate needing a piss, I screamed at the poor receptionist, where is the toilet? Please, where is the toilet? At this stage, I was clamping my foreskin tightly shut with my hands to prevent an eruption of urine.

As my bladder could take no more, similar to Romesh, my brain thought it would be a clever idea to release just a small amount of pressure by letting out a gentle squirt of piss. Small rain-like droplets started to smash onto the concrete floor. I watched as the panic started to wash over the receptionist's

face as dribbles from my steaming piss started to release from my penis and splash beneath my bare feet. This wasn't helped. This wasn't helped. This wasn't helped by the fact I started to weep real tears at the situation. That was unfolding in front of my eyes.

There's no toilet down here. No toilet here, Sc No toilet, he screamed. But there was little I could do with this information. It had still well and truly been broken. And what were initially small droplets of urine started to turn into full-blown splatters. Go into the pot. Go in the pot, he bellowed, while signalling at a plant pot

in the corner of the reception room floor. I turned and ran towards a plant pot, throwing myself to my knees and releasing my entire bladder into the pot. It was like a scene from Platoon. I dramatically dropped to my knees in slow motion while my penis erupted like a New York fire hydrant. I managed to aim my U into the plant pot as best I could,

but until I realised it was in fact an artificial plant with no real sword to sake up my my piss it just started to retract off the plastic and spray around the room like an unexpected box of fireworks after this entire ordeal the poor receptionist had to take me all the way back up to the floor too to open my door and let me back into my room

oh my god anyway to that point I just want to say I love your work guys fucking hell what an email what a joke

did they leave a name well they've called themselves the naked stoat I'm not sure whether they'll be anonymous or not, they've called themselves the Naked Stoat. I'm not sure whether they'll be anonymous or not, but shall I just give the name? What do you think? It's not said anonymous.

Mate, do you know what? Look, this person is... Naked Stoat, you've absolutely smashed it. Let us know if you want us to share your actual name. Because you're a legend of... Yeah, wow, that story was beautiful. It's incredible. That's an incredible thing, right? That's really made me. Yeah, wow. That story was beautiful. It's incredible. That's an incredible thing, right? That's really made me fucking happy, man.

You know that might have made my day today. Really? Yeah. Yeah, me too, I think. That is someone I'd like to go on the piss with. Yeah, of course you would, because you've not met him and you don't know anything about him. You've read a single email from him.

Yeah, it makes sense. He sounds like... Can you imagine the laughs we'd have, the three of us? Well, unless you're FaceTiming me, I don't know how that's going to happen. Because I will not be joining it. Let us know where you're from, Naked Sto. And I will turn up and meet you.

You can have a couple of drinks and watch Romesh do some stand-up. In all seriousness, Naked Sto... Oh, I can imagine you. Just imagine midway through. Your email's better than it's gone, show. In all seriousness, Naked, I can imagine you. I can just imagine midway through, your email's better than it's gone, Sean.

You could get him to do like a, he could tell his piss story on your tour. Yeah, yeah. Mate, do you know what?

What I think is, well, he said this a few weeks ago, but it had all the little hooks of somebody that's Two seconds,

two seconds. Okay, all right. Massive thing happening here. Andy Ness have got a fur seconds. Okay, all right. Massive thing happening here. Adidas have got a fur jacket. Oh, fucking hell. Are you joking?

No, no. So I'm on the... It's incredible, this jacket. It's beautiful. Oh, what? What's going on? Mate, this is unbelievable. My whole Adidas thing is down.

I've literally been on this thing for weeks. Well, you know, again, you haven't. Here we go. Romesh, I'm in. This is exciting, right? This is exciting, right? Oh, my God. I actually feel like I'm going to be sick.

Continuate. Wowzers, boy. This is like two massive things happened within 10 minutes check out deliveries are there pay with Apple Pay boom

I've been after that for ages wowzers ordered okay cool right I'm sort of trying to process

the level of fucking disrespect what look if that was you like say you wanted I don't know like a panther t-shirt or something or whatever the level of fucking disrespect. What? Look, if that was you, say you wanted, I don't know, like a Panther t-shirt or something, or whatever one of your cool tops,

I'd be like, fucking go for it. You can do this. I would... Listen, I've got no problem with you doing that. I know how important clothes are to you. But I personally would have taken that as a sign not to buy the thing. Why? Like, if it happens while I'm doing something else,

I think that's not meant to be. Rip me. No. That is insane. Oh, no. Next email. Dear Wolf and Swan. This is from The Rooster.

Yeah. First and foremost, I love your podcast. And you guys are amazing. I sort of went, ugh, like that, because it's a nice thing to say. But I felt embarrassed reading it. OK. I'm a i'm a 41 year old man i've never had a proper relationship had a few false starts but nothing meaningful now i've no idea if i even want to meet anyone so i've accepted that i'll be single for the rest of my life i've tried dating apps and meeting people in pubs and joining sports clubs but i'm rubbish at all of it my mates tell

me i'll be a great catch but i find meeting people hard so hard've given up on it. I can be really confident in work situations, but in socials I get really shy and dry up. Do you think I've got this right in giving up, or is there anything you could suggest? That is from The Rooster. Tom, you want me to go first, or do you want to go first? I'm happy to dive in, baby. Go for it, baby.

Yo, The Rooster. I would be amiss if I didn't say there was a part of your email that made me a little bit sad because you seem like a decent G and you seem a little bit lost. And let me firstly say, this isn't me saying that everybody needs to be in relationships and we all have to be with someone because I think in the modern world, I think you can quite happily navigate the landscape of this world on your own as a single person.

But there's something about your email there when I heard it, which makes me think that you are kind of looking for someone. The truth is I've got friends, male and female, both who seem to find it like this weird thing of trying to meet someone. What I think tends to happen, and this might thing of trying to meet someone, trying to, what I think tends to happen, and like, this might not be the case for you, Rooster, but is that people weirdly seem to think the longer they go through life or the longer they go without having a relationship, that almost the thing that they're looking for and they're trying to find

has to be like the perfect thing, has to be like the perfect relationship, the perfect person. You know, none of that is a realistic target at all because we're all imperfect we all come with our flaws but it feels that people like you know i played golf the other day with my power he's been single for a long long time and he's he like the things that he wants and the ideas that you know without being harsh you're like wow this everything you're talking about is well like above your like a station you're you're you're like wow this everything you're talking about is well like above your like a

station you're you're you're like you're you're reaching too much and there's a part of that is that if you're always going to go like like if i constantly you know the only time i ever want to go on holiday is i want to go to the moon right that's an unachievable target i'm never gonna get to the moon so i've set my standards too high right and that's what he's done because he never ever really i don't think he i think he's done. Because he never ever really, I think he's worried about committing. He's worried about being in a relationship. So he set his standards high.

So I think it's listing the things that you want, the things that make your life better and going through, I think, lists are great for things like that and just working out what you need. And if you truly think that being single is going to make you happy, then man, salute to you.

I'll raise a toast to you. And good luck. But if you think that you want something, go out and get it, brother. Go and nail it and find that person because they'll be out there. You just got to widen your search. And remember, the version of you that's been brave enough to email into this uh podcast and the bit of you that nails it at

work there's a part of you that at some point will find a person that you gel with and you become two sweet souls navigating this landscape together once once once again sometimes I take it for granted. I feel like I'm, you know, I sort of just assume that Messi, the Messi of advice on a podcast, Tom Davis is just going to do his thing. Every now and again, when I'm playing alongside him, I stop and watch

and I'm reminded by, I'm reminded of what a top-notch individual Tom Davis is. Great advice, Tom. If we were sitting together right now, I'd take you by the hand and just hold it. Now, listen, Rooster, the thing that I really thought was important that Tom said there, amongst a lot of very good advice,

is that if you want to be single and that is your life, that's absolutely fine okay but the way that you've worded this email suggests that that's something you're settling on rather than deciding that's the thing for you i'm going to tell you this now and you're not going to believe it maybe you won't believe it but i'm telling you this for a fact there is somebody that will want somebody exactly like you somebody that that isn't the you know you're giving the impression that you're not the sort of person that uh is an extrovert and is uh holds a room and all that people don't always want that it looks great when you see it

out when you see it out and about but there are people there are people that want to be with someone shy there are people that want to be with someone quieter the people that want to be with someone shy there are people that want to be with someone quieter the people that want to be with someone like you so first of all put that out your mind that there's not somebody for you that's bullshit okay that is absolute bullshit i'm telling you now there is somebody for you what you have to do is not easy you've got to increase the probability of meeting that person so when you say you've tried dating apps you've meeting people in pubs joining sports clubs but i'm rubbish at it i'm sorry you're just gonna have to lump it and keep doing it increase your chances go out get tell your friends you're looking for someone see if they can think about somebody that they think would be good for you you need to cast your net but you just need to

and i'm not saying that it's not i know this what i'm saying is you think well i don't want to be desperate it's not about being desperate this. What I'm saying is you think, well, I don't want to be desperate. It's not about being desperate. It's about increasing the chances, increasing the probability of you meeting that person. If you become if you decide you're going to stop doing all these things that you find hard and sitting inside, what are the chances of you meeting that person? Almost zero. So you have you have to increase the probability of that happening. And it is a bit shit. It will be like eating your vegetables for a bit. But I'm telling you, you will find somebody and it will be great.

Do you know who the rooster is in a way? Who? Tom Hanks in Big? Yes, I guess. What are you saying? That he should find his old time machine? No, I'm just saying, right? It's most people at our age, right?

Because he's at the same age as us, enter into relationships and they're carrying a hell of a lot of baggage into the relationship door, into the relationship household, right? Sure. This guy's got none. He's got a sense of youth

and everything's going to be like the first time. It's incredible, man. Yeah. Fucking, I can't remember his character's name in Big. What was it? I can't remember either. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Just go Tom Hanks from Big It. Just fucking, just get a big inflatable dinosaur in your house and a trampoline his character's name in Big. What was it? I can't remember it, though. Yeah, well, yeah. Just go Tom Hanks from Big It. Just fucking, just get a big, inflatable dinosaur in your house and a trampoline and just fucking enjoy it, man. Okay.

It's almost as terrible a second piece of advice as the first one was good. But anyway, good luck, Rooster. Please get in touch with us to keep us updated on that. We'd love to hear from you again. Tom, I think that's it from us bro are you okay yeah you prick um listen guys uh oh let's just do one quick one okay before we go but before Yeah, let's just do this quickly, because this will take like a minute.

Dear TheSwanWolf for now, thank you for the podcast. I've loved you from the start. I realise my question might make me sound like an old dinosaur, which I don't think I am quite yet, but can you explain to me, please, what exactly is a G? I've heard you refer to them many times in relation to each other and also to people I assume you think are cool, sick, lit, trendy, jazzy. So what does it mean, please?

And does it mean different things to different people? Keep doing what you do. What does it mean to you, Rob? Well, the truth is, this is from the Wrinkly Triceratops, by the way, the email. Great name. Okay, so a G to me is just like going bro or mate somebody

you like somebody you look up to somebody respect all right yeah that that is what i'm certain of in terms of the use of it the origins of it i think it originates from like gangster yeah but but i don't so there's a nice t-al, which stands for Original Gangster. And the people start calling people OGs, people start calling people Gs. This is all factually incorrect, but I'm sort of talking around it. You're talking about that old school song,

This is for the Gs, and this is for the Hustlers. Yeah, exactly. This is for the Gs, and this is for the Hustlers. This is for the Hustlers, now back to the Gs. Freeze, at ease, and let me get some more of the keys. Good, good. Yeah, you can't quote one of the two hip-hop albums

I've heard you talk about. I've always thought of it, Tim, yeah. It's like, I've always thought of it like, yeah. It's the term of, yeah. It's the term of endearment. Exactly right. Okay, I hope that helps. Now, listen, guys, as we said,

more merch is going to be dropping in the new year. Thank you so much for your support. I know that we sort of joked about it, but actually, I'm being very earnest now, but it was really amazing that people bought the merchandise. So thank you. Thank you so much. It means a lot.

Okay. There is no need for a closing thought, because this is a bonus merchandise. So thank you. Thank you so much. It means a lot. Okay. There is no need for a closing thought because this is a bonus episode. So, Tom. Yeah. Stop stretching. Guys, thank you so much for joining us for this bonus episode. We will see you on Wednesday. Take care of yourselves.

Peace. Peace out. My geez. out my g's if you have a problem opinion feedback or anything at all please email us at wolf al pod at gmail.com that's wolf al pod at gmail.com we'd love to hear from you mainly because we don't have any content ideas thank you