Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #3

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

First on this week's bonus show, there’s a serious doughnut disagreement to settle. But once that’s all sorted, we tackle… more mispronunciations, sitting or standing, changing careers, lack of self-awareness and a very awkward train journey. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog Welcome to the bonus episode of the Wolf and I podcast Yow, welcome Now, we've had a little bit of an incident here Because I am actually feeling I've had a fucking rollercoaster of emotions That you will not know about Because, basically, we started recording this bonus episode we've got 11 minutes

in and uh tom realized that you hadn't been recording his side of the conversation now yeah um but also the story is a bit sweet this thing for me because and it's really frustrating for for myself in a sense it is anyway because well before you before you carry on what i would describe this as what just happened what you didn't hear we're going to get into it again is what i would say is yeah one of the most crystal clear victories and trouncings of tom that i have had since the podcast started this is our friendships since our friendships i feel like you are if like you, if this is how you felt after Cyberpunk, I know now.

I genuinely feel sick and a bit broken. Yeah, what I would say is after the Cyberpunk thing, which I was roundly defeated, and I didn't then go on to pretend I hadn't been recording so it'd never be released. Yeah. I hadn't been recording because this is the second one we were recording. I feel bad for that because this is probably one of the most noble moments of my life. So let me tell you what happened.

At King Gary rehearsals yesterday, we'll do a quick recap. Tom talked about Krispy Kreme donuts, right? Simon Day, who's on Gary, bought him Krispy Kreme donuts. And when Tom talked about these donuts, he described them as? Krispy Kreme. He said Krispy Kreme. I then picked him up on it right we then started getting to an argument about it and then the people the other people

laura checkley fantastic laura checkley dames de fronde oh my god sorry i just need just broke my desk they all said to us oh it's just like watching an episode of the wolf finale at which point uh tom and i felt absolutely sick because we thought it looked like we were trying to put on an impromptu uh performance of the podcast right yeah and for me it felt a bit like what romesh knew he was wrong and he was weaseling his way out of being right right so then so then so then tom believing himself to be absolutely correct because there's no other reason why he would have done it he then brought it up on the bonus episode just now this thing that's lost forever right and he said it's it's spelt like creme it's it then brought it up on the bonus episode just now. This thing that's lost forever, right? And he said,

it's spelt like creme. It's mostly... No, because it's spelt like creme. And we've had so many arguments on this thing, right? And I'm still annoyed by it and I'm actually...

I'll never have a donut again. What are you talking about? I will tell you that. So, hold on. They're done for me. They are done for me. Let's get to the end

of this story first and then you can talk about your feelings on it and how it's left you feel, right? So Tom said, it's most like creme. And I said, I agree with you on that, but I've only ever heard people say Krispy Kreme. And then Tom said, how insulting for the company,

the lord and master of all these surveys, the head of Krispy Kreme, coming up with a company name that he wants people to enjoy his donuts. And then lo and behold, coming up with a company name that he wants people to enjoy his doughnuts, and then lo and behold, people take the valiant name that he's created from his own good heart, and they've prostituted it, and used it for their own gains, and

called it Krispy Kreme. How insulting! I love the way I've become more and more like Russell Brand in this impression. Started off like you were doing the impression of me, stroke Ray Winston. It's ended up being like a lyrical Russell Brand. So then he said, so then he saidical Russell Brand. So then he said, so then he said, hold on.

So then he said, I'm going to get an ad. No, I'm not. Tom, we've got a lost 10 minutes of podcast. I'm trying to bring these people up to speed. All right.

So, so then Tom said, I'm going to play the advert. He said, I've never heard this advert before. Let's see what happens. He found a YouTube video that had four minutes, like compiled

uh of all of the adverts and what happened is this i'll play it yeah go on when it comes to loving chocolate krispy kreme's got you covered introducing chocolate time every day starting at four o'clock krispy kreme turns into a chocolate lover's paradise. Featuring the chocolate glazed. Our original donut hot off the line, drenched in chocolate, and topped the way you like it. Thinking chocolate? Think Krispy Kreme. Think Krispy Kreme.

Genuinely, that's it for me and Krispy Kreme now. How can it? How amateur and pathetic to just fucking, like, look. And also for them to have them pulled up by myself. But call it K-R-E-A-M. There's no E-M in there, is there? Listen, mate, I'm going to tell you something. I agree with you. What's the point of the E-M?

I agree with you. I actually think you've got a point. It does sound more like it may be pronounced creme. It's just weird that... Because I imagine you've had Krispy Kremes countless times in your life. Yeah, I love Krispy Kremes. Or Krispy Kremes.

I feel like I've just been fucking jinxed. I feel like I've been catfished. What this makes me feel like is I'm the only person that's actually a true friend. Because you must have said Krispy Kremes to other people. Mate, I've been saying Krispy Kremes since fucking they came over here.

Exactly. Don't talk about them like they're unwanted immigrants. No. When they first got a big Krispy Kreme, now Krispy Kreme, in Malden, right? I was one of the first people, the pioneers of Krispy Kreme. Okay. I'd be one of the first people, I'd turn up with a 12 box, and everyone would go, oh, fucking hell, where are these donuts from?

I mean, it says it's massive on the box. All these fucking from. Can they not? I mean, it says it's massive on the box. All these fucking people. Anyway, so it's not their fault that you've misread their name, is it? But I just, things like that just annoy me. But what I would say is, other people that you've said, you must have, I can't be the first person you said Krispy Kreme in front of. Mate, I've said this to thousands of countless people. Okay.

On holidays, planes. Can you imagine being sat on a plane It's on your way to holiday You're on holiday Tom Davis is sat next to you at the pool He's going oh you know what I miss That old crispy creme I wouldn't have missed them mate because I probably would have had a three pack On the fucking flight with me

And those people heard that they heard you mispronounce it And they didn't bother to correct you So you just carry on in your life Well thank you It's like someone's told me I've got a big zit on my face or a bogey on my nose. You're welcome. Thank you for opening my eyes to

stupidity of, I'm going to find out who the owner of it is and just I genuinely am going to actually, and I will put the email up and I will email them. What are you going to say? What are you going to say? Because I'm furious about this. Dear Crispy Cream, just so you know, I was absolutely furious And I always email them. What are you going to say? What are you going to say? I'm furious about this. Oh, dear, dear, dear Krispy Kreme. Just so you know, I was absolutely furious to find that as no direct result of anything you've done,

I've been mispronouncing the name of your company for years. I would like to know what you what you're going to do about my refusal to react to evidence that's clearly in front of me to mispronounce your name over and over and over again. You know what, I'm just going to write, I'm going to say, look, you've completely pulled the wool over my eyes with this name. I'm furious about it. It's like you don't know there's other places I can get donuts, like Dunkin' Donuts, or is it Dookin' Donuts? It's a weird thing to be angry about, I would say.

I'm livid about it, like genuinely. I don't even, it's most annoying about that I to be angry about i would say i'm livid about it like genuinely i don't even it's most annoying about that i've had to find out like this well let me tell you something i'll tell you something else just while we're talking about crispy creams because while they've gone down in your estimation they've actually gone up in mine because they started doing vegan donuts i got i got a box of 12 vegan crispy crispy crispy creams crispy creams cream and they were absolutely delicious. I'll tell you you are so annoying with your right.

It's so frustrating. Alright, do you want to do some emails? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now this first email I read during the lost tape, but I'm just going to go through it again quickly. This is from Shireen Kadar, and it says,

Dear Tom and Romash, your podcast is brilliant. It's the absolute antithesis of lockdown negativity. I'm sort of paraphrasing here because I don't like reading when they... She's been very nice about the podcast, but I don't like reading it out loud. Anyway, what is the name of this bakery that Romesh keeps pimping out? We all disagree. Is it Cloughman's? Calfman's? I think this is how we got onto Krispy Kreme in the first place. It's

actually Coughlin's. C-O-U-G-H L-A-N-A-B-U-S-T-R-O-V-E-S. Call it whatever you want. That's what everyone else is doing. It's so weird how you sit in direct opposition on two things. So people are allowed to mispronounce words or use different words however they want, whenever they want, because that's liberty.

But you're not allowed to pronounce the name of the company the way it's pronounced because, what, it offends you for some reason. No, if I'm honest with you, mate, whoever came up with and I'm still going to call it Krispy Kreme because that is someone down the line, that's what they wanted it to be called, and it just got paraphrased.

Of course, of course, you're right. Everyone else is wrong, and you're correct. No, I get that. I used to have a God complex as well. Right. I feel, I'm just going to get in touch, actually. I'm completely going back on. I'm going to get in touch with a guy and say,

did you mean it to be called Krem? I tell you what, I'm going to message him on Instagram, all right? And I think we're going to get in touch with a guy and say did you mean it to be called creme i'll tell you what i'm gonna message him on instagram all right and i think we're gonna get into we're gonna get in touch and we're gonna try and get a response from crispy cream on here as to whether the origins of that because i think tom there's actually a genuine real very real possibility that they they did want to be called crispy creme because i would agree with you that the spelling is like that and it's possible that the americanization or whatever they just decided americans don't like putting a little french stank on it and so they want to call it creme you know the thing that for me is that this felt like the one time that i was really fucking like i was riding into town

like like a fucking lone gunslinger i'd like i'd made sort of my place on the street by saying that this is i've got one over Rob here when it comes to pronunciation and fucking spelling. It's very, very rare to hear somebody pronounce pronunciation incorrectly, but you've managed it well done. And I've had my trousers pulled down in the middle

of the street instead of a gunfight because of some wally brain who has literally forgone his dreams. Now I completely question Krispy Kreme. Was it even meant to be like a high street donut place? Or was it meant to be lovely, delicious cakes? Eclairs and such?

What are you talking about? Well, I just get the feeling that he, at one point, it wasn't meant to be like donuts on a fucking highway services. He had, like, ideas of grandeur. And he dumbed down just to feed the message. Can we just say, look, as much as I love Krispy Kreme,

right? The name, I don't think you can start Krispy Kreme. The name makes no sense whether it's Krispy Kreme or Krispy Kreme. Who's ever said,

you know how I like my donuts with the cream Krispy? No, the outside's Krispy. If you say, if you say Krispy Kreme, no, if you say,

no, hold on. Generally, we could do a podcast about this because it annoys me. You've got 12 boxes of the things. You don't even know what you're eating. The outside's crispy. The sugar snap, that's crispy. The cream's inside.

Yeah, but a ring doughnut doesn't have any cream in it. Yeah, but the dough's so creamy. What are you talking... Now even you know that you're fucking up now. Even you know. I know that you know because you went really big on it to try and sell it. Fuck you.

I'm not having that. Right. Well, maybe they should have just called it crispy, crispy creme or crispy creme, crispy or creme. Crispy or creme. That's what you think it should be called. Like trick or treat. Yeah.

Mate, what I'm saying is the whole fucking thing is deceiving okay fine this is like a fucking Nolan movie for me

in what way so many fucking angles to it and so many different things like who fucking is controlling the whole thing well I assume it's whoever owns the company so I mean

it's not a difficult question I'm gonna fucking do well let's look into it anybody got any answers let us know and also does anyone listen to this who works for Krispy Kreme

and we will you won't have to we won't go on record with your name you'll be kept anonymous but fucking get in touch it's wolfalpod

at gmail.com yeah okay the next email is from Andrew Gibson now before we get into this I would say that your potpourri toilet story, it went big with the listeners of The Wolf for now, right?

So a lot of people, I want to tell you now, I have had to go through a lot of stories about people's shit incidents, right? And I know that I could have quite easily brought along a load of those and we could have spent this whole episode talking about them, right? And I know that I could have quite easily brought along a load of those and we could have spent this whole episode talking about them, right? The problem is is that you and I have a propensity to get excited about shit stories and then we forget ourselves. So I think we have to be sort of a bit

strict with ourselves on this, right? Yeah. Anyway. Maybe we should do a shit special one. Okay, I'll tell you what, guys. If you're up for us doing just a scatological special of the Wolf for Now, email us and let us know and we'll do it. But what we'll have to do is

I'll have to put loads of warnings on it because some people hate that sort of thing. But I will say now, and leaving the Krispy Kreme shit where it lays, Rom has got some incredible Fiesel stories, so have I, and by the sounds of it, so have you. So it'll be great.

I'm up for a scat special I think what I found most upsetting about what you said is that you said fecal again even though we've had a discussion about it

being fecal so what that suggests to me is that all of these corrections and this sort of help I'm trying to give you is utterly pointless because you just continue trying to

also it's so annoying but you know it really matters because Chris McCrem is like you've just won an argument about it it's like C is C isn't it it's C But none of it really matters because you've just won an argument about it. It's like C is C, isn't it?

It's C. So Faisal or Fecal, right? Okay, and how do you pronounce the name Christopher? Christopher. But that's it. And how do you enjoy cake yes and what do you call it cake it's sake yeah okay

the fact that you even attempted sake to try and prove your point is so sad um okay uh so anyway andrew gibson emails in saying uh hello big fan of you both tom's toilet story in the previous pod and we got a lot of this loads of people love that story tom's toilet story in the previous pod was amazing but it made me want you to ask guys might ask you guys a question that splits my group of friends down the middle when you take a shit do you wipe standing up or sitting down i'm a sitter and i can't believe people actually stand but i'm also surprised by how many people do can you settle the debate cheers andy okay tom over to you um i'd like to mix it up but predominantly i think i probably would sort of lean in the

favor of standing it depends a lot on the toilet paper if you've got like quite a thin sort of like toilet paper that would fall apart uh then definitely sick because the worst thing is sort of leaving like a sort of like trail of sort of like especially if you're a ferocious wiper um but yeah i i sort of standing is where i'm at really my brother um okay so i i can see the arguments for both here um i'm a stander but uh what i would say is first of all if you're a sitter the problem for me is i sort of fill the area that i'm sitting on quite a bit so the idea that you would stay sitting and be able to kind of wipe and drop i just think that the the ease of movement is very difficult. So I go for a stand,

but the disadvantage of the stand is the angle, you know, you want to sort of... I can't believe it. If you... You bend. I sort of... You bend over and spread them.

I don't bend over and spread them, but I sort of... I would describe myself as sort of slightly crouching, maybe. Do you know what I mean? You're really joking i need to see this i need to see this really i would say crouching because you can really get in there do you know i mean i would say as well gibbo if you want me calling me calling you Gibbo also in my past career the most demeaning thing was someone kicking over

open a cubicle door and if you're sitting on the toilet wiping your bum I find that like someone kicks over the door to take a picture of you I would say, this is me personally I would say if you're on the toilet with your trousers around your ankles the kicking open of the door and them seeing you is the humiliating part.

What I wouldn't think at that point is, I hope they don't see that I'm wiping my arse sat down. No, because if you're peached up on one cheek with your hand... Right, that's the humiliating part. All of it's humiliating. But if you're standing up and someone kicks the fucking door open, boom. Oh, I see. So it's a self-defence thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would also say I'm a big advocate of environmentally friendly wet wipes. Oh, really? I thought that was a problem. I thought that was what's causing all of the... Yeah, you can get... Correct. Yeah, the environmental issues.

No, no, no. But down in the sewers, what's that? What are they called? Oh, the fatbergs. Fatbergs. I thought that was like... Yeah, that is that you're right that is but these ones are like the environmentally like these like they just they degrade or whatever you're called disintegrate i'm a massive fan of uh of a little spray as well oh yeah yeah poopery no no no i don't i mean an actual spray into the

anus with water oh really sort of clean up around really you do what from the sink no i sort of like or have you got like a little sort of watering can no i haven't but people do have that yeah what do you like paloma faith paloma faith has that oh here we go no drop no no i'm just gonna shit around paloma faith's house no i haven't i haven't it's just i was talking about bizarrely again talking about shit and wiping your ass and stuff, and then on Instagram Live, and she jumped on it. She joined and said that she uses a little sort of... Where do you get these sprays from?

I use the shower. Sometimes if I feel like I'm, you know, I sort of just give myself a little spritz. Oh, really? I never thought of that. I mean, what I tend to do is sort of wipe wipe wipe like walk around the bathroom for a bit

hold on what are you doing with the toilet tissue I'm like I'll probably go three ply three ply and then

are you are you taking a single sheet yeah three ply folded up so it's thick right yeah

yeah and like that yeah that's what I do okay good yeah but my point was would you ever like want to go down and

what they call those berg things fatbergs fatbergs would you ever want to it's sort of the morbid curiosity of going down and sort of dismantling one of that like how seeing how they break those down what like i'd like to sort of see see down the sewers face the berg actually go down there the sewers are massive by the way in London and they've got loads of them so I just sort of think

how do they even break them up I would google that I wouldn't think oh I must have a trip down there yeah but that's the trouble with google it breaks all the illusions isn't it I would Google that. I wouldn't think I must have a trip down there. Yeah, but that's the trouble with Google. It breaks all the illusions, doesn't it? There's no illusions. Nobody's thinking those fatbergs are a magical conundrum

that we're never going to figure out. I'd like to take someone out for a pint who has come face to face with a fatberg. There you go. That's something I could get on board with. And see if he thinks I've got it in me to take one down myself. If anybody has got some in-depth knowledge

or could even organise at some point for Tom and... Not us, but Tom and I. No, I'm not coming. I think it's bad if I do it on my own and you don't come with me. Why? Well, it's a bit weird if I come back and go, oh, yeah, I took a fatberg, and then literally two weeks later you're crying your eyes out

because you're jealous. First of all, why would it take literally two weeks later, you're like crying your eyes out because you're jealous. First of all, why would it take me two weeks to react to you talking about the fatberg? Yeah, but I know what you're like. You'd be like, oh, fucking hell,

you got to do a fatberg. I didn't. Well, look, if there's anybody who's an expert on a fatberg, get in touch, all right? Yeah, hit us up. Okay.

So, Gibbo, thanks for your email. Today, Okay, so, Gibbo, thanks for your email. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together.

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Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with tech pack at 3.49 apr for 72 months with down payment that's just 267 bi-weekly cash value of 40 294 plus eligible ford owners get a thousand dollar bonus for details visit your local ford store or ford.ca this next email is from peter schnoneveld wow schnoneveld where is that from son of he's not said this is actually only to you oh wow so okay so, Tom. In the bonus email, episode two, you said there were no working names for your fans. He's got some ideas for you. Okay.

Davies Deviants. What? No. No, Pete. Tomians. What are yours called again? Mine aren't called anything. The Vangulations.

No, they're not fans. They're just people on the show. The Tom Titters. Just so you know, Pete, Tom's done a face there. He's found some dog shit on the roof of his mouth. Davians. I quite like Davians. That's quite cool.

And then he says, that is all, Pete. By the way, Pete, thank you for that. That's quite cool. And then he says, that is all, Pete. By the way, Pete, thank you for that. That's very kind of you. I would say that you, your surname, you deserve to have Snavelians or whatever they're called.

Would you ever call your fans anything? How big would you have to get to start calling your fans something? Not big enough right now. Substantially, yeah. Yeah. It would feel weird calling a group of like nine people or something.

I feel with my fans I could know them all by first name. If you got to a point where you were doing that, when does that come up? Would you address, would you say like, would you go, Davians new episode of The Wolf and Owl coming out on Instagram? No, no, no. I think people can do that.

People can get away. I haven't got that in my locker my locker no i don't think either of us have got that no i don't think either of us are able to it i still find it out genuinely i find it and i and i will say you know and i think one of us would agree i thank you all for listening and tuning in i still find it really weird and i don't mean this to be at all like like sort of faux humble but i do find it really weird and I don't mean this to be at all like like sort of faux humble but I do find it weird that people do listen to two idiots just waffling and arguing I love it the fact you do it's very kind of you but yeah so I'd certainly not in any way

be able to go oh Davians get involved and yeah okay Peter Schnoneveld I hope that answers your there's no question there I was about to say I hope that answers your question but there is no question it's just good to know where old Schnoneveld i hope that answers your well there's no there's no question there i said i was about to say i hope it answers your question there is no question it's just it'd be good to know where the old schnoneveld's from wouldn't it what's his story the old schnoneveld i shall think about that

in the evening all right uh okay this next uh email is from kevo okay uh and cavo says firstly these bonus episodes uh are great cool he's gone on to um to say some nice things that i can't bring thank you thank you cavo so even if we don't read them out it does mean a lot to us so thank you um the question that you answered last week about handing compliments was a nice peek behind the curtain of what it's like to be a popular entertainer who's still humble enough to get embarrassed by high praise. As a follow-up, does it ever get a bit weird when you're approached in the street by, and here we go, he's got some suggestions here,

by random rangers or tomverts? Tomverts. Tomverts is great. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Sorry, Peter, but Kevo's fucking smashed your boy. It's incredible. Pete's come up, Pete had four of them.

Kevo's just rocked up, fucking knocked you out the park, mate. I wasn't expecting that from Kevo, I've got to say, but Tom Burts is, gee. I would imagine that most people just ask you for a photo and make a friendly comment about your work, but has anyone said or done anything to you to make you concerned about your own safety?

You're so bizarre that you didn't know how to handle the situation. Have any of you had to deal with an obsessive fan before? Also, are either of you able to leave the house without getting recognised anymore? And if if so does that put you under any additional stress we all have those days where we just want a bit of peace and quiet blah blah blah keep doing what you're doing in regards to Kevo can I just quickly say Kevo you are a very

sound brilliant gentleman like that was a not at all the email I was expecting when Romesh first read out the name Kevo I would say I would go as far to say the look on Tom's face when I said your name was Kevo. I was excited. I thought it was going to be some joke.

No, it wasn't excitement. You just sort of were like, oh, what's this? What have you got coming up here? Kevo, you're absolutely an absolute legend. And when we meet Guy for a pint, I'd love to extend the offer out to you, Kevo, to come for a pint with us. You seem like a rounded, decent chap.

And yeah, so that threesome. Actually, it was a foursome already. I can't remember the other guy who's come in. I don't know. Was it Craven Raven? Anyway. Well, I guess in a way, Tom has answered your question there with regards to how he deals with fans

as he gets uncomfortably close to them and sort of tries to forge a genuine friendship. You fucking prick. Oh, that's true. Look, yeah, I've had experience with, uncomfortable experience. I did a gig once and um after the gig uh this this guy said to me um uh do you know where the station is like i was like you know i said oh because i was getting a train home and i was like uh no i don't quite know i'll be able to find it

i'll just google it where he said oh i can show you i know where it is and stuff oh cheers man so um i walked with the said guy to the train station uh of whence i was performing and then i sort of i sat down and then um he sat with me and i said oh yeah oh you know obviously he's getting on the train or whatever and uh he then opened like a bag of quavers and he was like uh oh what's your favorite sort of crisps and i I was like, well, actually, Watsit's probably, I don't mind Quavers. Then he offered me a Quaver. I said I didn't feel comfortable

about having a Quaver from his bag. Anyway, we sat there for like 25 minutes. And you thought that was a better thing to say than just no thank you? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right, carry on.

I didn't know the guy. I was just like, I don't care. Crisp was just anyone. Sure. Like, I think it's a big move taking a crisp from someone's bag. It's okay if the bag's open on the table. Sure, but it's very rare that somebody offers you a crisp

and you sort of say, no, thanks. And then they go, can I just ask why that is? Could you? I wouldn't mind knowing the reasons why you don't want to take one of these crisps. No, no, I was talking quite big about crisps. i'm a big crisp i love crisps all right um i'd say that they're probably one of my favorite things in the world um if not my favorite snack by the way uh so anyway um we sit there for a while 25 minutes half an hour uh the train comes i get on the train he gets on the train back to london and uh so we're sitting there um and he goes chatting away and whatever and i said oh whereabouts like oh you

know a lot about the place we were in but how um you know whereabouts in london do you live are you from here originally and you you know you live back in london and he said no no no i live back where we've just left and i was like all right um but why are you why are you on the train then and he was just like just to sort of spend some time with you oh my god and i was like all right um but why are you why are you on the train then and he was just like just to sort of spend some time with you oh my god and i was like what was like sort of like an hour on the train and he was like yeah yeah yeah i just thought it was quite you know get to sort of chat to you and stuff and i was like oh right well great and then he just sort of sat there and then just sort of started this weird conversation. And then my head had just completely fucking gone.

Oh my God. Were you, okay, were you, was there any part of you that was scared at all? Yeah, because like, I'm like, this is clearly like, number one, he was taking a long time to eat this bag of crisps, by the way. Yeah. That is a red flag in any situation.

Yeah, no, genuinely, I think if you, if you really want a bag of crisps, you wolf it down. He was sucking every quaver, like savoring it and just sort of like sucking it in. First of all, that sounds absolutely disgusting. Yeah, it was. It was disgusting.

Yeah, but I was not going to lie. I was like, this is fucking weird. Like, really. And this is before Netflix documentaries, by the way. So if this had happened now now after all the fucking mad shit that we've seen like you know the you know fucking documentaries about people getting slain or whatever yeah i was like maybe this guy's like fucking got a you know thing for fucking stand-ups that he just wants to fucking like hurt always he was creepy anyway you know but i always like

give someone the benefit of doubt you know show me where the station is he was proud of his town it was sort of like you know quite a sweet gesture you know the christian thing i found a little bit anyway so i'm like fucking hell man like so i sort of sat there and he was sort of like we you know we talked i tried to make conversation uh but i was like this is fucking weird there's not many other people on the train and then we get to london and then i'm like uh okay man um thank you for like um thank you for like uh coming you know coming back with me to london um yeah uh and he was like there's no trains back tonight what like you're what this is your line to me now i swear man you've done gigs all your life right you don't

want all your life but you've done a lot of stand-up gigs on trains, right? How often do you get a train back? It's the last train back, right? Yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay.

So I'm like, it's fucking mad. Like, you're in London, like, what do you fucking want me to do here? Like, and he's like,

yo, there's no trains back. I'm like, right, yeah, I mean, I didn't ask you to come back here with me. I didn't say for you,

like, I just assumed you lived in London. It was, I don't even know anyone in London. And then he started getting a little bit aggressive and shout sort of like and i was like is this a true story tom i swear i can't believe this shit happened man and i'm like mate i don't know what you like what you want me to say i genuinely until we're on the train if you'd said to me i'd you know i'd say thank you for taking me to the station in a weird way like that's great but i

don't fucking i'm fine getting the train back. I fucking commute a lot of the time. Yeah. And then genuinely, he was like, you know, well, what am I supposed to do now? I was like, well, I'm going to have to get a taxi.

He was like, I haven't got money for a taxi. I was like, like, I don't know what to fucking say about that. Like, you know, we're in the middle of, we're at fucking London Bridge.

Yeah. You're going to have to fucking, whatever. And he just got quite a rate and quite upset about it. And then I just was like, bro, like, you know, I'm fucking, I'm going home now. So, you know. And he sort of tried to follow a bit.

And then I was just like. Oh my God. Yeah. It was fucking nuts. Like, I was like, this is insane. Because like, you know, I'd had a sort of pipe with quite a few, you know,

after the thing, I'd had a drink with, uh, like the other acts and then some people had chatted to us. So, you know, I'm an affable guy. He's,

he's anybody in clearly. It was just, it was in the same thing. Jesus. And like, by the way, he was like, he had like that sort of way about someone where they quite affable and quite chatty.

And you're like, but then sort of when they turn, you're, it i know i know that i was like wow you and i'm not that way in kind i was like wow you are like you feel like if you if you flex now and you just went crazy i'd give you 500 quid to go and say at the corinthia like yeah i was like fucking i was in my head like do i have to give this guy money to sort of stay somewhere or is this a shakedown or is he genuinely thinking it was a friendship that was I've had a number of those weird times but that was the worst

one I haven't had nothing like that but I've had weird interactions with people I think some of the time you have to give people the benefit of the doubt because if they see somebody they've only ever seen on tv it it it makes people like react in weird ways i think you know they think like they want to say something um they want to say something funny i mean part of the thing is if you're a comic they want to say

something funny or they want to say something memorable or whatever and that can make them that can often make people come across rude actually it's the truth i i i'd one thing where like you know i i often get this where somebody will come up and we've talked about it before somebody go you know i don't i've seen some of your stuff i'm not even a massive fan but my mates are all going mad about it so i thought i'd just come and say hello you know that kind of thing where they yeah that sort of negging thing is going to be and i had one where i stood in a pub and this girl came up to and she went you're romesh ranganathan aren't you went yeah she goes you know do i think you're funny um i don't know really and and i had this thing where i i've been i was out with my mates and normally i will accept pretty much any

level of sort of i wouldn't say disrespect but if i sort of always give people the benefit of the doubt but in that instance she came up and like up and barged her way through into the group and sort of was holding court to her mates and now to my mates. And I just said to her, I haven't been on this evening waiting to get what your verdict is on my career. So do you mind leaving me alone? And that's probably one of the only times I've sort of... What did you do to that she she reacted like i was being a prick because and i i get that because she thought she was being funny and i just sort of slightly i'd slightly lost my temper not lost

my temper my you know i'd sort of i was a bit pissed off about it so i reacted honest you know reacted i wasn't polite and so then she she takes it to her in her mind she's like i'm just trying to be funny with him and he's being a fucking prick about it i mean like often people want you to be they kind of want to see your mask slip or they want to see you being an arsehole because it's a story then i mean i guess in some way like i've had like loads of weird ones like Like we had one thing where I was out with Lisa, we might've gone to watch Hamilton or something. And we're getting a train back out of London. And this bloke sort of recognized me and sat opposite and started going,

I'm a massive, I'm like, I'm a massive fan of blah, blah, blah. Oh, thanks man. It's really kind of weather.

And then, but then I sort of thought, first of all, I don't know if, if I'd have ever sat with somebody like that, I recognize and chatted to them like that, but enough i don't mind people doing that but he wasn't gonna go do you mean like he was there then for the duration do you mean even though i'm like we're obviously dressed up for a night out do you mean like it was so he was like he was just chatting

chatting he's gonna i was thinking about becoming a stand-up comedian and i was like oh cool and then he started like going i really like frank Boyle. And I said, okay. Now, that is an alarm bell to me. Not because I don't like Frankie. I think Frankie Boyle's amazing. But this guy's a stand-up comedian that likes and probably wants to be like Frankie Boyle. That means he's going to start trying to do... Do you know what I mean?

Frankie Boyle's amazing at what he does, but it's very difficult to do the stuff that Frankie does. Yeah, because in the basis that Frankie is probably, for me, one of the best joke writers there is. And he knows how to walk the stuff that Frankie does. Yeah, because in the basis that Frankie is probably, for me, one of the best joke writers there is. Yeah, exactly. And he knows how to walk the line because Frankie's got so much experience and is, you know, unparalleled in the extent

of how he can do that. What happens is, and I know I've been exactly where you are in that situation. Some people think, oh, if I just say a joke about this. Yeah. And it's usually something that's pretty controversial and pretty yeah and you go well you haven't got what frankie's got frankie's yeah incredible yeah he knows how to

phrase something and make something you just swearing and saying something quite vulgar isn't what frankie is well that's exactly what this guy started doing right so he started going i've got like he started doing jokes to me right it's all about like it's like dead baby jokes and like cancer jokes and like all this kind of shit right which isn't what frankie does no exactly but that's what i'm talking that's what i mean that's his perception that's his like in his head that's his perception of what it is so he starts telling me these jokes and like sitting there going all right cool cool cool and then i was sort of thinking i don't really it's gonna take a lot for me to tell this guy to fuck off because he doesn't know that what he, you know,

he's not got the self-awareness to know that what he's doing is annoying. He doesn't know. And so I sort of think to myself, I don't know how to deal with this, right? He kept on doing it, kept on doing it. Eventually, Lisa just got like fed up and she said, look, I'm out with my husband on a rare night out. We're trying to have a bit of quality time. You're kind of impinging on that evening. so do you mind sort of just leaving us alone wow and then to be fair to him he went yeah okay sorry like he was actually really embarrassed

and like went off but i never would have done that good credit i mean i was i was so grateful i was so grateful to lisa for doing that do you? Self-awareness is a mad thing though, isn't it? Like how, like people can not clock, like how, if people feel uncomfortable. Like if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm like not a facilitator of it, but I feel like, probably like you in that example, like I haven't got it in me just to go, all right, mate, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catherine can look like, Catherine can do a look and some will go thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catherine can look like, Catherine can do a look and some will go, oh, okay, yeah, I've overstepped the mark. But I'll talk to friends and think, oh, maybe now I'm just being irritating and I'll pull back. Mate, 100%.

Sometimes I'll be like chatting and then I just think to myself, they could probably do a break from me. I genuinely do that. It's, it's mad, isn't it? But I have a thing in my head and think if I've made three conversations at starters.

Yeah. To their none. They're not invested in this conversation. I need to fucking walk away. And I think society will work a lot better if we had a barometer of going, you know what? I've talked about my dog, my fucking dishwasher.

And the fact that I can't get mud out of a fucking pair of trainers. They had no retort to any of this they are not invested in me as a human being i'm gonna fucking back off i know mate it's so true i i had uh i had one where a woman came up to me and uh this is not like what you're talking about it's just like a thing where i fucking i just played it wrong she came up to me and she said do you know that you look a lot like Romesh Ranganathan right and ordinarily I get that you get that a lot yeah and I'll go yeah yeah it's me and for some reason on this instance I went yeah I get I I get told I get told that all the time and she went you just look so much like him I said yeah I know I said loads of people say that and then she started telling me what she thought of romesh ranganathan's career like like the stuff i'd done but she doesn't

realize she's saying it to me so she starts going you know i like that the travel show was all right but sometimes i think it's just so grumpy you just sort of think just try and be nice you know and some of the other and just and i thought why have i put myself in this fucking situation now i'm now listening to a fucking pricey of my career, man. It's just mental. And it's totally my fault. It's totally my fault.

You know, um, the worst version of that is like when I first ever started stand up, I remember doing, I think I've told you before, but I was doing a gig and you remember like when me and you started, when we started out, you're not like,

you're in a back room of a pub or whatever. And, uh, I remember just sort of like waiting at the back of the room and, uh, sort of a pub or whatever and i remember just sort of like waiting at the back of the room and uh sort of you know people are sort of just sort of smuttering a lot that many people anyway this the compare starts to bring me up so you know next act is your new guy you know you might have seen him whatever he's a big guy this guy uh and his missus looked around and uh he went oh my god it's keith from the office

and then his wife just looked me up and done with absolute disdain and she went no no it's not like really disappointed and uh order up for damien hey how did your doctor's appointment go by the way did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

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and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. It was one of the worst gigs I've ever had. It threw me

so badly. Like the thought that, number one someone, and nothing against it, but thought I was Keith from The Office. But also that someone was so excited. The guy's face was glee. Like, oh my god, it's Keith from The Office. The Office was sort of, you know, five, six years old by then but i just felt like nothing i do tonight's going to be as good as him thinking that he was about to watch keith from the office oh god and if he had said to me are you keith from the office i'd have probably said yeah that's me yeah you got it you don't want

to let him down do you um no what i would say is i know we've told a few stories but that is in the context of most of the time when you meet people it's great and and like i would say is I know we've told a few stories but that is in the context of most of the time when you meet people it's great and I would say 99% of people we're very lucky to have a job where people come up to you

and go I really enjoy your work and that is that is great so you know but you do remember the bad ones but don't follow anyone home on a train

no absolutely not fucking insane and certainly don't sit opposite them and start telling them and their wives some fucking shitty set of jokes that you've written

about death here is an email from Rick Wade it's quite a long one um yeah I'm not saying that as an insult

I'm just saying it's you know so you know put your your listening ears on uh hi Rom and Tom my name's Rick.

I'm 34 and I'm concerned that I haven't achieved enough in my life to date. In November of last year, I managed to secure a spot in an adult apprenticeship in a sector that I'd been wanting to break into for some time. I was very excited about starting this new chapter and entered my new role with genuine enthusiasm. When my start date came round, I was introduced to the rest of the apprentice cohort and it was full of people in their early 20s who were lovely, but being around them gave me this tragic old man feeling. I was the oldest person there by a noticeable degree. I'm kind of the younger one out of my friendship group. Most of my mates are three, four years older than me and have been in their respective careers for a good 15, 20 years, building up decent lives for themselves.

up decent lives for themselves. I had no clue what I wanted to do until a couple of years ago and drifted from crap job to crap job, insurance sales, call centres, dead end admin jobs, that sort of thing, until deciding that enough was enough and taking some training courses to increase my employability. I'll be 36 by the time that I'm qualified and I'm concerned that if this doesn't work out then I'll be approaching the point where I'm over the hill and missing out on opportunities in favour of young talented people. I know this might sound daft and and maybe being around the younger generation in a professional capacity has affected me, but it's something that I worry about on a semi-regular basis. I'm from a working-class background, wasn't born into any privilege, and don't have a sense of entitlement,

so I don't have these fears out of a sense of wanting things because I think I should have them. I'm also aware there are people out there who are genuinely struggling, and I appreciate that I'm very lucky to be given that sort of opportunity. Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. What I'm trying to get at is that I'll be 40 before I know it and my only real fear is that I wasted my youth

and didn't set the best possible example for my three children. As a couple of people have reached a milestone, that milestone, and are now successful, do you feel fulfilled when you reach this age and do you have any advice for any people who have it on the horizon? Hope this email didn't bore you to death i really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me uh tom what's

the guy's name his name is uh rick wade rick firstly um i can just tell by the wording of your email that you're a you're a good man rick and i and think, you know, I can sort of, yeah, I can see where you're coming from because, you know, I did what you did. I did for a long, long time of knocking around and up until I think early 30s really. Sort of, I was doing stand-up and I put my toe in that, but I'd worked a lot of the time on building sites

and whether that's scaffolding or hog carrying or, you know, trying to be a plasterer or a landscape gardener or trying to be a chef for a bit I sort of didn't um uh I didn't really ever know what I wanted to do to sort of you know that I hit my 30s I guess sort of around sort of your age and I think the thing that people forget is actually how much of living you've done what what you'll think at the moment is of like uh sort of waste maybe you're thinking i've wasted time and you've wasted sort of like you know opportunities or whatever that that's not the case that's you've actually been living and i remember when i first got into stand-up there's a lot of younger guys doing it um some older guys like romesh but don't don't do this

no but i know i think romesh would agree with this though on a serious point that sort of younger guys who are just getting out of university and we're hitting stand-up stand-up become sellable stand stand-up had become a job so to speak so you'd end up gigging with people who hadn't necessarily had much life experience and sometimes I'd tell stories on stage or I'd have things that I'd done or jobs that I'd done or life experiences that,

you know, they'd all go, oh, fucking hell, you've always got a story about everything and I was like, because I've sort of never, I've lived and I think there's a lot to be said about that and I think there's a lot to be said

that if you've now, at the age you're at and you've got three kids and you've found something that you believe you're good at and you believe that you want to do, I think you'll be at success at that. And I think don't put too much pressure on that because I remember thinking, oh, I'm going to give it all building up

and I'm going to become a chef. And I threw everything into becoming a chef. I ended up working at like the Conor in London and hating it absolutely hating it and then my parents uh being like what you do like how many things are you going to try and do and fail at before you sort of you know not in a way when I was supportive but it's a worry isn't it with kids so I think um don't be too much pressure this might this might be the thing that you find and it's the best thing you've ever done

and you'll be an outstanding success at it and whatever it is, one day me and mum will bump into you in a pub and you'll be buying us all the drinks. Or this might not be the thing, but don't put too much pressure, man. You'll find what's right when it's right and you'll know it's right.

Yeah, I would totally agree with tom um on what he said there uh i started i i was um same as tom i had like loads of other jobs before i started doing this i was worked in pensions when i first came out of uni then i started like working as i worked as a cost analyst like an accountant for an airline caterers and then i went into teaching and eventually i went into stand-up but the same thing happened to me is Tom is that I when I started doing and same thing that's happened to you Rick to be honest with you is I went into starting doing stand-up and I was gigging with loads of guys I was 10 years older than a lot of the people I was I was gigging with I was on the open mic circuit with people in their early 20s and stuff and it's just what you it's just one of

those things what I would say to you is to sort of echo what tom was saying is that life isn't about your success in life isn't about your job or what you've got materially or you know whether you've got your house or your nice car and all that shit all of that stuff really doesn't mean anything to be honest with you do you mean and those things don't bring you happiness you've got three children you're happy in yourself you seem like a nice bloke right and so there's loads of other things we get caught i think personally we all get caught up in these indicators of what where you're supposed to be at whatever stage in life and all that you you do yourself a massive favor by disregarding all of that you're walking your own path do you mean and you're going to come to this thing.

This thing, this thing might, you might be amazing at this thing that you're training at. You might not. Either of those outcomes are okay. Do you know what I mean? You go on and do something else.

And it's not about having that, having that job and being at this. I know loads of people that went straight into the thing that they started doing. They got the house. They got the nice car. They got comfortable started doing they got the house they got the the nice car they got comfortable and they're not happy do you mean like there's loads of there's

loads of other things that make up what achieving something at a certain point in your life so what i would say is to you i'll be honest with you i don't you know you can't obviously you can't judge someone based on an email based on reading what your priorities are and what you're talking about. You seem like you've got your shit together, man. Do you know what I mean? You've got children. You seem like a happy bloke. I understand why you're feeling insecure about all of that. I'm telling you this now, Tom and I both agree on this. None of that shit matters, man. Do you know what I mean? Just go and, you know, find whatever job it is that's making you happy, whether it's this or something else. There's no clock on this, man. You and, you know, find whatever job it is that's making you happy, whether it's this or something else.

There's no clock on this, man. You will you will come to the thing that you're supposed to do. You will you just need to you just need to focus on on that and enjoy the journey. I know that sounds so wanky and stuff, but like the whole the whole time that Tom and I've been doing comedy, if we if you just focus on this end goal and you think this is the thing that I've got to strive for, I've got to get to this by this certain time, you're just never going to be fucking happy man, it's just like about sort of enjoying it on the way, do you know what I mean, so

yeah, I guess Tom and I are coming from the same point of view. Do you Rick? Do you brother? How many times have you said that do you thing now? I don't know, I was just thinking Although I would say it's not bad advice Maybe get a tattoo that just says Rick does Rick Yeah, that's a good, I mean I is that, how many times have you said that do you thing now? I don't know. I just think. Although I would say it's not bad advice. Maybe get a tattoo that just says Rick does Rick. Yeah, that's a good, I mean, I would say though, Rick,

if you are surrounded by people a lot younger than you, and then you get yourself a tattoo that says Rick does Rick, I don't think it's a good look that the older bloke at work turned up with that tattoo. Okay. This is the one, this is a good one to finish up on this is from uh ewan peacock wow uh hi guys love the show here's my question historically and biologically speaking a wolf in its animal form would have a larger penis than that of an owl. I'm not asking who of the two of you has a larger penis, but who assumes, with no physical evidence,

physical evidence being comparing said peni, that they have the largest and bring the big dick energy to the room or podcast? Which one of us do you think has the big dick energy in this relationship? I think you do. It's funny you say that, because i really do think you do i see i yeah that all of my persona is built around the fact that i i haven't got the big dick so i've had to sort of my dick is significantly disappointing to my stature yeah you see a statue in a museum or you're walking around an Italian city

and you see a fucking statue and it's got a tiny little penis and people are laughing at it. That's how I feel when I'm naked. Okay. That is a lot to take in. Well, it's not a lot to take in by the sounds of it. It's pretty easy.

But in terms of... But you've got swag, though. No, I haven't. I would say in terms of big... But you've got swag, though. No, I haven't. I would say in terms of big dick energy, do you know why I think you've got big dick energy? It's because you are who you are and you sort of own it. I think that's a big dick energy.

Yeah, but what I'm... So I'm in essence a trailer for a movie that's not that good. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you know what I think? If if i you know and listen um god forbid that lisa and i ever split up and even if we do split up i don't know if i could ever be asked to get together with anyone else but i would say if i got together with someone i showed them my penis and they were disappointed. I would say to them, the problem there is in your expectations.

It's not my issue. Yeah. I've been consistent on this. Have you, how are you with showering? Like, like a health club or a gym? Okay.

Can I just, I'm going to tell you this now because you and I both work a lot with Freddie Flintoff and Jamie Redknapp. Yeah. And they're both sportsmen. And there's something about the culture of sportsmen. Yeah. now because you and i both work a lot with uh freddie flintoff and jamie redknapp yeah and they're both sportsmen and there's something about the culture of sportsmen yeah they're totally fine about getting their cocks out and i'm not i'm not insinuating anything negative about that right getting the cocks out showering in front of each other pulling each other's pants down and all that can i just say so just say on behalf of myself and i don't know how you feel about some i find all of that

utterly fucking terrifying and horrendous and yeah i i the idea of changing in front of other people the idea of showering in front of other people i find it absolutely horrific and when we're doing road trip right and we're wherever away we've got a shower shower. I always quietly say to one of the production, is there sort of a lockable, sealable shower cubicle that I can wash myself in? Sealable? It's the lockable was all right, but the sealable. I do know what you mean.

Like you can't go, I've showered in the same room as Freddie, but like spent the whole time. And I love Freddie more than anything, but I spent the whole time like worried about him taking taking a picture but also though work working on the sites when i was younger was like the the d-bagging and someone pulling your trousers down was just a constant fucking thing like that you'd have to fucking just just know that there's nothing worse than the one where you are carrying something that's heavy and someone comes up behind

you and yanks your trousers down and you're like I'm standing here with like literally nothing on my bottom half holding fucking five fucking scaffold poles just hoping that I'm fucking literally going to have to like I can't drop the poles on this. Just hoping that the friction in my

thighs has beefed it up a little bit Someone's kindly enough to come and pull my trousers back up I can't drop the poles on this. Just hoping that the friction in my thighs has beefed it up a little bit. I've been somewhat kindly enough to come and pull my trousers back up, which is the most indignifying thing to see in the world. So in general, the whole point of this podcast, I'd probably say, is you're dealing with two guys with small dicks and genuinely inadequacies in that department. So who brings a big dick or, uh,

energy? The audience does. Yeah. Yeah. You are bringing your big dick energy to two tiny dicked individuals. Um, Lisa's literally just walked in the room to hear me say that. Um,

okay. Uh, Tom and nodded. Yeah. She's nodded and just walked out the room really sadly. Um, okay. My G.

My G. Thank you so much. It's been a ride. It's been a wild ride. I'm going to go and have a crispy grim. Take care. Peace out. Enough respect.

Magic. One love. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.