Wolf and Owl - Bonus Email Episode #4

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

Undeterred by Tom’s dodgy wi-fi signal throughout the recording, it’s time to answer more of your emails! We tackle… vegan bacon, after-work drinks, frustratingly small clothes sizes, some advice on patience in relationships and getting caught short at the seaside. Thanks for all your messages - keep them coming at [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Extras, taxes and delivery additional. Expires April 8th. Yeah. Yeah, what do you want? Beak or jaws? Feathers or fur? Sharp teeth or feet with claws? Whatever's preferred.

They'll grant you all last. Request to steady your nerves. Then podcast the body parts. Get severed and served. Bring your weak shit. We're the wolf and owler. That ain't just a mistake That's an awful howler

Both of them are known To pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing The murder like they rolled in With a gang of crows Fuck the censorship Let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill

Never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn The sun to the moon You'll see nothing All you hear is a huff A puff and a Expect killings Red spilling

And flesh ripping Impressive innit The death bringing It's head spinning Just kidding Every word in this song Is about two grown men is a huff a puff and a expect killings red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in his songs about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog okay welcome to the bonus episode of the wolf and owl uh this is a first uh in the wolf in wolf and owl history because normally, well, up to this point, we've been recording the bonus episodes. This fact is not even worth saying out loud. Literally one of the most sort of tame facts ever.

Fun facts for Wolf and Owl enthusiasts or completists. This is the first time we're recording the bonus episode on a separate, on a different day to the main episode as a result of my poor time management. Also, my Wi-Fi today, man, is... Jeez.

Yeah. So you... You know, there's a lot of people out there that sort of think that Tom's quite a, you know, quite a butter-wouldn't-melt sort of cuddly man. I just heard an absolute fucking tirade. Woe betide anybody that works for BT with this fucking geezer.

Honestly. It just riles me so works for BT with this fucking geezer. Honestly. It riles me so much. Yeah. It riles me. So he logged on to the Zoom, saw his little frozen face crystallising a sort of gormless,

good dinosaur type expression. Can I just say, Romesh, right? Romesh will all the time be working on his frozen face. So he always looks pretty cool. In fact, he froze for a minute there. And I'm just going to buzz a little one there.

Oh, look, my internet's unstable. This is ridiculous. My internet's worked all day long. And now it's pulling my pants down. Yeah, but to be fair, this is the least important part of your day, isn't it? Because you've been doing a lot of proper... No, no. I, to be fair, this is the least important part of your day, isn't it? Because you've been doing like proper, no, no, no.

I mean, I know we love doing the podcast, but in terms of like big boy business tings, like you need to... Oh, we did a read-through earlier, which, yeah, I mean, Romesh was sadly missed

from the read-through. If anyone, by the way, if any of Stuart's scenes aren't amazing during the series of King Gary, that is because Romesh didn't make the read-through today. He cried off. First of all, I didn't make the read-through today. He cried off.

First of all, I didn't cry off. I had something else I'd work on. Secondly, when I did come in for the rehearsal, not the read-through, one of the things that Tom and director James DeFron liked, they're very good friends. They've been working together for years and years and years. They know how self-conscious they are.

And what they like to do is every time I deliver a line, they just sort of look at each other and wince a little bit. It's so counterproductive for sort of self-conscious and what they like to do is every time i deliver a lie just sort of look at each other and wince a little bit it's so it's so counterproductive for sort of self-esteem and confidence or whatever but sometimes you it's just like sometimes sometimes it's like put a bit of stank on them we know he's a relaxed character no but it was good because we had a good catch up with the whole cast and the BBC about your costumes so that was good I've actually been I'm speaking to them

separately because I've got no way I'll tell you why no I'll tell you why no mate no let me tell you why because I don't mind

sort of being a character but I've got a fucking brand do you know what I mean and I can't have it undermined a brand listen to you

you generally think you're John Senna don't you from the WWE John Senna, don't you? From the WWE. John Senna or Chris Hemsworth. I've got a brand. I'm fucking struggling today, bro. I worked yesterday, and we have a roast every Sunday.

Do you have a roast? How often are you having a roast dinner? You know what, man? Last two weeks, guess what I've had. And I've actually, by the way, I've got to raise this. Go on. Last two weeks, we've had nut roasts instead of roast meat. Okay.

Because my wife has taken the, she's become a vegetarian. And I put a picture up of a fry up on Saturday morning. And I had some, she had that meatless bacon. Well, I'll give it a try. Which meatless bacon? I don't know what it was called. I can't remember now. I mean, I've got to say.

You know, can I just say, before you carry on, all I'm doing is showing a bit of interest in your fucking story. And I ask you, where'd you get the meatless bacon from? Which I assume has got some sort of relevance to the story,

otherwise you wouldn't have specified it. And the way you responded to my question there, oh, why the fucking, why the fucking... Go on, tell us. No, I didn't say, look, I didn't swear. Number one fucking... Go on, tell us. I didn't swear. Number one,

mate, in the scheme of things, for the likes of yourself, the vegans and vegetarians, meatless bacon-wise, you should be glad that I've just had a little try of it.

Why? You know what I mean? It's not a movement. We don't need your support. No, but also, Romesh, it's like you going,

oh, what day did it rain this week? I don't remember. I don't remember shit things. Well, you're telling me a story about your fry-up. I'll ask you a detail about the fry-up.

Are you getting arty? Yeah, right. If you want, here's a scenario of how it happened, yeah? I'm loading up my plate. I've got a bit of sausage, I've got some beans

and I've got some duck heads that have been scrambled. My wife is having some, she said, oh, some extra meatless bacon. Incredible, by the way. This guy, during the pandemic, this guy's got duck eggs on the go. Incredible, by the way. During the pandemic, this guy's got duck eggs on the go.

The local baker has them. We can't name his name, but he gets some backdoor duck eggs. Oh, that sounds absolutely disgusting. Backdoor duck eggs? My baker gets duck eggs.

And they are the best eggs you can get okay they're incredible all right go so my wife then turns around and she says i've done a little bit of meatless extra meatless bacon would you like to try it i then tried it and wasn't that impressed but let me tell you there was a lot of a lot of people thought maybe it was liver um so i'm just yeah any speculation that there is i'm saying that that it was meatless bacon. But I don't know what brand because I didn't see the packaging. Okay. So the reason I was asking what brand it was is because basically there's a veggie bacon.

Now, veggie bacon in the main is unacceptably bad, right? It's absolute shit, right? The majority of it is. I have found one recently that I actually think is quite good and it's called this. What's the brand's called this isn't bacon right now they're not they're not sponsored i'm not being paid anything by these guys i'm not every time i hear like any vegetarian or vegan brand it always sounds like you've come up with the idea of the name uh it's really nice it's really nice but the only the only thing that makes me

slightly nervous is i think that might be because when you said it people think it's liver it doesn't really look like you wouldn't mistake it for a rash of bacon this this isn't bacon but it tastes you think that the the vegan scientists are just a bit like lacking like the imagination or sort of like they should try harder to make it look like bacon. No, do you know what I think it is? I think that the thing that people like about bacon, and this is my opinion, I'm speaking as obviously as a vegan,

but the thing that people like about bacon is the fatty kind of chewiness of it. And that's quite difficult to replicate. I will say this for them, the smell they absolutely nailed. Smelled exactly like, I just, yeah,

it smelled like normal bacon. So credit to them there. Okay. Yeah. Is it, to make vegan food, do you have to be a vegan, do you think?

Well, not necessarily, but there's a comedian called Adam Bloom who made the point in one of his standup sets that no vegan product can be truly vegan if it's like a meat substitute because in order to figure out if it tastes like the thing, you've got to have tasted the thing. So, you know, if you're making vegan bacon and you're trying to figure out –

if you've knocked up a new vegan bacon product and you're thinking, how do we know how much this tastes like bacon? Well, it's the automatic thing you do. You go and get yourself some bacon and compare it. See, that's the job that I wouldn't mind. If I was to do something on the side as a little bit of extra pocket money, that's something I'd quite enjoy.

On the side, what, for being a bacon tester? Yeah, no, not just bacon, but all the meats. Just going along to vegan conferences and stuff and trying them and seeing what people... And say, oh, that actually tastes a bit like steak. That's not quite right there. It didn't really feel like pork. I would imagine that if that was your

job, your descriptions would have to be slightly more in-depth than what you're saying. If you're asking to be paid for your opinions by a company's research in their product, you go in, oh, that tastes a bit like pork. I don't think that's going to

cut it, do you? How the in depth do you want? They turn around to me and go, oh did that taste like pork Tom? And I'll go, eh, a little bit, not really, the texture was not quite there. And then they'll go, oh do we pay you by bank transfer Tom for your fucking

incredible insight into helping our company? Do you? I always think it's like, a bit like sort of when you're a kid and used to sort of have Tom, for your fucking incredible insight to helping our company. I always think it's like a bit like sort of when you're a kid and used to sort of have sort of like a shandy. That's what sort of that sort of food's a bit like. I loved having a shandy as a kid, didn't you? Yeah, mate, it was the best. The best. It's sad, isn't it?

Because like now it's just not the same. I've had a couple on a hot summer's day. I've had a shandy. It just, I remember like that first sort of hit, you know. They used to do the Shandy sweet bottles as well, didn't they? Yeah, they did. They did. You know like when you go out for a drink with your mates

and somebody, like first drink, a lot of people do this where they go lager top for the first one, right? No, I've never done that in my life. Loads of people do that though, don't they? You do it, don't you? You have loads of people do that though don't they you do it don't you have a lager top i don't look first of all i don't think i didn't detect the sort of menace in the way that you asked me that question ready to pounce the wolf's claws out right we all knew we all sense that all right i don't tend to do it right but you know a lot of people on a lot of

blokes i know will go lager top for the first one then they'll go i don't know mate i don't know i don't know if it's like an appetizer thing like a little hors d'oeuvre for the night or something but i think the first pint of the night is the best point you're gonna have it's the best yeah so why ruin it with a little bit of lemonade i i know what you're saying i know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. How many pints would you drink if you were having a casual night out at a pub? Seven. Seven or eight, probably. Eight?

Yeah, for a chill... Not if it was a few beers after work. You'd have eight pints of lager? Yeah, I think that would probably be... Yeah. I mean, I don't drink as much as I did, but if it was yeah if it was like

meeting a couple of pals after work yeah probably eight I mean the day after one of your gigs once we had a few beers we had like three or four yeah we had four

yeah we'd have eight but you could yeah no no yeah but that was literally we had those in an hour that is true actually

but that's because and we probably would have had more if that woman didn't kicked us out I mean that was weird wasn't it the two of us just sat in that bar on our own that was the saddest looking oh fuck me that was so bleak and also the other thing is the whole theater's glass so anybody driving past would have just seen us two absolute fucking losers with one light on

yeah and a woman just stood there you. And do you know what was great? At first, she was really excited that you were staying for a pint. She was genuinely like, oh my God, oh yeah, of course you can stay for a pint. On the sort of third pint, she was just a bit like,

are you going to stay for many? And on the fourth, you could really detect, like this is the last one now. Yeah, but to be honest, that was a piss take by us because that is a theatre and we just got excited

because we'd been offered beers, and we started treating it like we're fucking waiting for closing time for this. We're getting on a session at the Hall for the Brawley. I'd had about three beers, actually, I think, before you came on stage, because I was watching you from the back. So, yeah, I think I'd had a couple of beers.

Yeah, it's that thing you do, isn't it? Because you opened, and then what you like to do, because you had a good gig, you went out to the back and sort of like trying to soak in. I know what you do. I know you do this, that thing where you sort of, you sit in quite a, you sit in quite a... That's the weaseliest thing you've ever done.

You so like weaseled that out. You literally, I saw like, genuinely, right? That was like Jesse Lingard or that was like

a good football player who's just seen an opening behind the centre-back who's a little bit static and just fucking zipped there. My guy like, literally being like,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you like to just go around there because, you know what, the saddest thing

and I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be

I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I'm going to be I've known Romesh for a long time

it is true it is true every gig I've ever done with him I will just do the gig where I won't I would say Romesh I think you agree my anxiety before a gig

is not another level yes I'm like absolutely crippled by it and you don't and you don't and listen I'm going to tell you this now you don't need to be because you're a fantastic

stand up but anyway go on but then afterwards literally it is it all just the relaxation overwhelms me and then I do I was at the back of the show and Romesh was knocking it out of the park and I was just sort of people going oh well done oh cheers thank you

where's that seat taken it's really good because basically Tom and I had been chatting I said I'm doing a couple of like just before I go like take the tour out on the road proper

I'm going to do a couple few nights at my local theatre the Hawthorne Crawley and I love doing the gigs and the show was it was I would say like 75%

80% there in terms of like me being happy with it and I thought let me give it a little run out and I said to Tom do you fancy coming down and doing the opening like just as a laugh to hang out right and so tom was like yeah and we had a really good time and what tom would do is be really nervous so

i'd turn i bearing in mind i'm about to go on tour tom's just doing this for sort of shits and giggles really i mean he's not preparing for a tour or anything i turn up i have to spend before my gig i've spent the whole time fucking talking him off a ledge about him having to go on and do his 20 minutes. And then after he comes off and I've got ready for my set, I see this little fucking, him walking around like a dog with two dicks

because he's done his bit. Shaking all the audience's head. Do you like that bit? I don't think you do. It was a good time. Like it's a house party It was a good time. Right. Like, like it's a house party.

Like a little wedding. Like it's my wedding and I'm walking around thanking everyone for coming. Cheers, mate. Thank you. Is that your wife? Thank you, love. No, no, no, no.

It's fine. Thank you. No, no. Yeah. No, honestly, honestly, Rom's, Rom's,

go on, Rom's still going. Do you want to do? Yeah, no, no, no. No, let him do his thing by me. No, no. I'll tell you what.

You go and give me a pint and uh tell her what happens after that's cool uh no it was good it was it was uh you obviously i'm only joking it was great it was great it was a lot of fun genuinely it was lovely just being in your wake all right listen we're doing emails we're supposed to do an email so um i uh i'm just gonna i'm just gonna put this out there before we're doing emails. We're supposed to be doing emails. So I'm just going to put this out there before we start doing these emails. See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor? Open a Questrade first home savings account

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Open an account today at Questrade.com. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. And teaming up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong. The. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. And teaming up.

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Opens May 8th under the big top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. I've had a big roast dinner today, just before doing this podcast. I don't know

how agile I'm going to be for this episode. Just so you know, whenever I'm podcasting, I have my dinner after. So I've got jerk chicken that's doing it at the moment in the oven. Am I supposed to feel guilty

about that? I'm just saying that's how professionally I am with it. Okay. But I mean, we are starting 25 minutes late because your Wi-Fi

doesn't fucking work properly. All right. There's ifs, buts, and whys and no's. Okay. Is anyone, do you, that was it,

ifs and buts with chips and nuts. Was it fruit and nuts i can't fucking remember anyway i've never heard that sometimes you'd say that in front of the class when you're teaching i forgot my work oh it's if some butts for fruit and nuts i'll fuck off mate yeah well i wouldn't you know i wouldn't he's not said if or but there so even if i was that twat even then i'm you'd be using it wrong with her okay have we got some good emails this week well yeah we've got some good emails so this is from sarah vaughn okay says uh dear rom and tom uh let me start by thanking you for this

podcast it certainly helped me with my lockdown blues uh there's actually the second email i'm sending to you rom i emailed you a couple of years back asking you to bring on more female interviewees and discuss more hip hop by female artists on hip hop. Save my life. Thanks for listening to my feedback. And I'm looking forward to listening to the newest episode. Well, you've taken a lot of credit for that yourself there,

Sarah, but okay. So the next part of the email is, so I have a problem that I think Rom would definitely be able to relate to as it involves self-esteem in Asian families. I'm originally from Japan, and I'm half Japanese, but I've now lived in London for almost 16 years. I'm a respectable size 10 to 12 here,

but in Japan, that translates to an XXXL size. I grew up... I'm sorry, it's the whistling. It's the saying of the size and then the whistling got me. No, but you know what it is? I actually completely... Can I just jump in here? Because I'm with Sarah here.

Yeah. Because if I go to Italy, I've talked about this before, I think, on here. If you go to Italy and certain... And I'm just digging out the Italians, but I'd say most, actually, the Mediterranean countries, the same same thing happens you're like i'm an xxl here over there i'm like a 7x yeah literally some people i've walked into shops and said oh have you got this in my size and people have laughed yeah and then i said oh have you got anything i can wear and

they just bring me out like a schmock you know like a sort of like big poncho type thing a schmock yeah the schmock's another name for a poncho no a schmock a schmock is another name for a poncho a schmock is you combining schmock and the yiddish word schmock i just say it say it schmuck no yeah it's not yeah okay so sarah just first of all i also relate to this because i actually bought some i bought some trousers from from japan and my size was like 6xl like two pornos back to back right Right? Now, she said, she goes on, I grew up not being able to buy a lot of cute clothes or shoes for girls, simply because I was too large for them. Like a modern day Gulliver

in Lilliput. When I go back to the motherland, or catch up with relatives online, I'm often subjected to unasked for critique of my size, weight, diet, and questionable lifestyle choices. I'm 34, single, and childless. While I love my family i can't help but be affected by the negative observations it's definitely caused me to have

a warped sense of my own body image and low self-esteem i'm not hopeful that will change their attitudes but i was wondering if you had any suggestions on how i can cope better with these comments about without feeling like an overweight spinster thanks for your help in advance well sarah thank you for listening to hip-hop saved my life thank you for your feedback we you're absolutely right. I was being deliberately facetious there. We didn't have enough female guests

and now we're doing better. So thank you for that. Tom and I, I think I can speak for both of us, very much relate to this issue you've detailed here. Tom, do you want to weigh in here? If you excuse the pun.

Number one. Jesus. There's that pun and your XXL excuse the pun. Number one. Jesus. There's that pun and your XXL, the porno back-to-back pornos. So, Sarah, look, I can sympathise here, actually, because as a

bigger guy myself, I have come into a lot of judgement because of my size, my, you know, my sort of lifestyle. I always, myself, I have come into a lot of judgment because of my size, my sort of lifestyle. I always, I think, through most of my family, will make comments about how much I drink and eat. So, you know, the size of my stomach, for example. Even like not in my height isn't really a thing. So, I think the best advice I could give them is if you're happy, fuck them. That would probably be the advice I'd give.

Yeah. And also, that should be the thing that you're focusing most on. I think so much is put, and also, I will say this, I think everyone needs to get together. All of the clothes brands in the world need to get together. Burberry, massive shout in your face, by the way. And loads of you, and get together

and go, we're not doing enough for bigger people. We're just not doing it enough. You know how dignifying it is going into a shop and you've saved a lot and you want to go and buy yourself a nice jacket, a nice jumper, and you go in and they've got nothing in your size at all. I genuinely think it's one of,

it's happened to me on a number of times in a number of different places. And it's one of the most indignifying things that a human being can go through. I genuinely believe i think it's horrible so um yeah i think everyone should get together and there should just be a custom size made for the world globally of like clothing and this is this is what a small is this is what a medium is this is what an excel is this is what a double excel is and this is triple triple whatever. And we go on from there. Because I think, yeah, this shit needs to stop, bro. That's what I'm saying.

Well, yes. Everything you've said there is great. The only thing I would say is that I just don't think these companies want to accommodate bigger people. So the idea that there's a lot of these designers i think openly not openly but they would just say that they just don't they want their product to be advertised and they don't think bigger people look good in their clothes so they don't want bigger people to wear their clothes so they deliberately they deliberately go out of their way to basically

size you out of their custom do you know what i mean like that that's kind of what they're doing so it's a difficult one i i don't that that's kind of what they're doing so it's a difficult one i i don't think it's right i think you're absolutely right but and it's a massive thing do you mean there are some shops that i know there is no point going into right yeah and and i'm not listen i don't have a great physique but i'm not i wouldn't say i'm outside of normal like sort of variations. Do you know what I mean? It's not, I don't think I'd require a specialist, do you know what I mean,

to clothe me, do you know what I mean? But there are certain shops that just don't, you just go, there's no fucking point going in there unless I've got some self, some spare self-esteem that I want burning off. That's the only reason you go in there, do you know what I mean? Is it Reese? I think it might be Reese. Oh, Reese are awful.

Two fingers up to Reese, mate. Reese, absolutely. Go fuck yourselves twice. Because I'll never go in that shop now, right? Because every time, when you go in there, you see something nice, you go, oh, that looks good. And then you can't even fucking get it on.

Do you know what I mean? No. And also, Reese is one of the ones I've been in. I've picked something out that I think looks nice and like I've had to go and go, oh yeah, have you got this?

That is one that, and there's a smirking kid. Yeah, they know, they know, they love it. I reckon that's one of their highlights of their day

is to see someone come in, some idiot who's got this sort of aspiration of wearing something nice from their shop. You go and watch it. Oh, here we go. Here's one. He thinks he's going to be able to try that jacket on look at this absolute

prick what's that for you yeah well could I suggest so maybe you buy two of them and stitch them together that's probably the only way it's going to work uh so anyway that yeah I think that's an issue with regards to your family

um it's a weird one because I definitely have hang-ups as a result of how I was brought up. There's no doubt about that. My mum, and I've talked about this quite openly, my mum is one of my heroes. She went through a lot of shit to bring my brother and I up and I will love her forever for that. And she's a great mom. And, uh, but there is no doubt that some of the things she said to me about

my physique and stuff like that have left me with hangups that last me till now. And my, and I've, I've talked to my mom about this. She'll say to me, you didn't, you looked a bit fat there. Or do you not think you should lose your belly if you're going to wear something like that? And I'll say to her, why are you saying all this? And my mum's attitude is, and I think this is what your family, my mum thinks that that honesty will lead to action and self-improvement. That's where that's coming from. It's not coming from your family don't want you to make you, they don't want you to feel shit about yourself.

What they think is, if I say this, they're worried about you because they think how you're living your life is not right for whatever reason and they're wrong for that but it's coming from a good place

what you've got to do is tune it out do you know what I mean the truth is they think they're doing the right thing they're not so you've just got to

let it just wash over you do you know what I mean it doesn't it absolutely doesn't matter when they say that stuff so you try and get yourself into that mindset is what my advice would be.

I think in short what we're saying is you're amazing, Sarah. Well, we don't know that. I think she's amazing. I think Sarah's an incredible human being. So just keep doing you, Sarah. I think that's what both mine and... I think I speak for me and Ron when I say that. Look, I'm sure Sarah's lovely.

It's just you don't know that she's incredible, do you? I don't know. As a betting man, and I like a bet, I'll put 50 quid on her being incredible. And how would you verify that she's incredible off the back of that bet? What constitutes...

If any of Sarah's friends... What constitutes a payout on that bet? I think we'd probably have to, like, get an official adjudicator to spend, like, a day with her. Okay. Like, someone, obviously, who wouldn't be me or you. Someone who's, like, able to like get an official adjudicator to spend like a day with her okay like someone obviously who wouldn't be me or you someone who's like an officiator for such things um and then just to come back and go oh yes better though sarah she's incredible she generally is like an amazing person

so you got to pay her so is this your main job and you go no i i do this sometimes but also sometimes i test kind of meat vegan vegan products and give some fairly vague feedback to companies that are trying to improve what they manufacture. Right. Sarah, obviously I was just being deliberately facetious to the wolf. I'm sure you are an incredible person.

Of course you are. You listened to and wrote into the wolf and our podcast next up this is from i just need to christ i need to double check that they don't want to be anonymized um She's not said that, but I am going to anonymise her just because of the nature of what she's saying. So, this is from Gemma. And she starts, Hi Trom. What do you think of that?

That's quite cool. If we were characters on TOWIE, that would be what we're called, wouldn't it? If we were a couple on TOWIE? Yeah, or best mates on TOWIE. That would be a real swerve down for TOWIE, that would be what we're called, wouldn't it? If we were a couple on TOWIE? Yeah, or best mates on TOWIE. Yeah. That would be a real swerve down for TOWIE, wouldn't it? If we were the two new sexy guys

introduced to TOWIE. Fucking hell. I know people talk about how... Have you seen those two new... Can you imagine what would happen to fucking Twitter and Instagram if we ended up being regulars on TOWIE? There'd be uproar. So tragic.

Everybody was so much younger. Me and you trying to be friends with Bobby Norris and the gang. I do not watch TOWIE to see two middle-aged fat men remind me of death. watch TOWIE and see two middle-aged fat men remind me of death. Why is that guy always in bootcats? Okay. So, she continues.

By the way, very, very, very complimentary about you, this email. Listening to Tom's sign-off of What Makes You You at 2am when struggling to sleep motivated me to get in very complimentary about you this email okay listening to tom sign off of what makes you you at 2am when struggling to sleep motivated me to get in touch i'm 28 years old and i live in a tiny village in wales i don't have many friends but a partner i adore i don't know why i said it like that anyway we have two children aged two and four and i work quite a stressful job as well as my partner working away from home monday to friday with this job based all over england i've not felt

too well recently and not myself so i went to the doctor and got some medication, et cetera. It seems to help, but I would like some advice as to how do I have more patience and kindness? We've been together for 10 years and soon to get married. And I don't want to become the grumpy shit wife as an issue with everything because I've got no patience with two successful, I assume, haha marriages for you guys. I wondered, did you have any hints or tips you could give from the husband point of view as to how I can just chill and let stuff slide a bit more fuck knows what I'm thinking anymore to be honest haha

sorry for this 2am ranting email Tom's you make you you got to me all the best Gem thank you for getting in touch thank you and thank you for listening to my words and my advice. I like to think that I throw out many, I don't know, many pearls of wisdom.

And if you are someone who's taken those pearls and you're carrying them around your neck, then thank you so much. That means a lot. Advice-wise, let's crack on. I'm generally outstanding by that so uh um okay um so jemma here we go firstly uh i think uh you sound like just in the fact that you even realize that you know that you're not patient and you seem to like give yourself a hard time uh probably means that you are just generally doing that.

You're giving yourself a hard time, and probably unduly so. My biggest thing to say would be this, is that men in life have no idea how annoying and frustrated they are when you marry them. That's speaking as someone who's married, how annoying and frustrated they are when you marry them like that's speaking as someone who's married and uh i my main amount of arguments that me and my wife have are the fact that uh i'm quite inconsiderate and or like i don't do the things that she like you know i don't put things away uh i don't think about jobs that need doing around the house at times i i yeah and that's

not me doing not doing those things because i want to be annoying or i want to be frustrating it's just that my brain isn't wired that way literally i will go to hoover the house and steam the floors and an old episode of colombo will be on or dawson's creek will be on and i'll sit and watch that just thinking actually i'll do that in 10 minutes and uh that i realize now after after 10 years that that actually breeds frustration and contempt. So don't be hard on yourself because he's probably doing things that are annoying you. And I'd guess on the basis that you say that your husband works away a lot,

I think people tend to then put a lot of pressure. I know that when I work away, this happens. And I said it wrong, but I might agree. People tend to put pressure on the weekends to be these amazingly perfect two days that uh there shouldn't be any arguments and everything you know and you're probably spending quite a lot of time working a stressful job bringing up two kids and then you know having to do stuff around the house i guess and then when he comes back whether he's tired tired or, you know, I think people tend to put a lot of pressure on those two days. So it's a hard thing to say, but it's probably just, you know,

just almost forget the sort of stuff that's making you anxious or making you angry and put that to a sort of back, you know, almost to a back seat. And if he's done saying it annoys you, tell him what he's done that's annoyed you, by the way's the thing i don't know about you mom i have so many arguments for katherine won't talk to me for like five hours and i don't know what i've done and then she'll tell me and i'm like oh shit yeah okay yeah but if you told me that five hours ago we wouldn't have had to have this like awful afternoon so i'd say that yeah you know what i'm saying i

think it's just don't be too hard on yourself. I guess that's what it is, Joe. That was excellent. By the way, excellent advice from the wolf there after a sickening intro before we started talking. But in terms of Tom's advice, he is absolutely right. I think that it's difficult for me to advise you really because similar to Tom, I've been with Lisa for almost 12 years, married for 11, and I can think of three occasions

in which she's been at fault for arguments we've had. I mean, basically, I'm always wrong. I'm always in the wrong. It's because I just don't – how I would describe myself in a relationship is I expect very little, but I also deliver very little. That's kind of... LAUGHTER Order up for Damien.

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For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. That's so honest. And so, like, sometimes, you know, I just... You're like the worst player to sign as a football club should we spend the 200 000 on this guy yeah he expects very little but you know to be honest he delivers nothing so basically what that means is like sometimes i can be accidentally inconsiderate where i sort of do something which wouldn't bother me if it was reversed. And so I just think it's not a big deal, but it is, do you know what I mean?

And so you have to be, look, the truth is, it boils down to kind of empathy, do you know what I mean? It's kind of being able to put yourself in the other person's position is 99% of what you've got to do. Do you know what I mean? It's just that thing of going, well, if he's done something to piss you off, the chances are he's not done that to deliberately piss you off.

He's done that because he hasn't realised what he's doing. So put yourself in his position. What has led to him to do this thing that annoys you? Is it because he doesn't know it annoys you is it because he's being lazy whatever it is you gotta have a chat about it i mean but what you've got to remember is this is not these things are not being done specifically to fuck you off even though that's how you might feel or that's how you might respond to him do you mean so it's just that thing of being empathetic. There's other basic things like never go to sleep on an argument, all of that kind of shit.

Do you know what I mean? And I'll say this actually, I'll jump in here actually quickly as well. I would say this Gemma, like, and if you need to pause it at this bit and play it to him, he needs to be reminded that he's got an absolute crack on his hands, an absolute legend in yourself,

Gemma, on the basis, you know, you are working at a full-time job. You're working a very stressful job, as you say. You're bringing up two kids in the most extreme circumstances. So, Gemma, you are a million-carat winner.

Okay. You missed all of that. I missed the first half of it because of your Wi-Fi. You're doing a lot of sort of overblown kind of compliments to people today. Sarah Bourne's incredible. Gemma's a million-carat winner. I don't know what's going on with you.

Do you know what? I think it is. I just feel like spreading some some really heartfelt you know go and do it smash it do you worry

sometimes do you worry sometimes if you if you say that to everybody it kind of ends up meaning nothing

does that ever concern you no I think you know what if I was if we were in a pub right now

I mean you were having a pint yeah and both Sarah and Gemma had come over and spoken to us to them both I'd say the same thing

but if someone came over and knocked your drink over, I'd go, Oi, mate, don't knock his drink over because he's vulnerable. It's just that, like, I don't know how long we've known each other for, but there have been times when I've been really low and you've said to me things like, Romesh, you're an incredible bloke. And I've thought, well, that means a lot. Tom's somebody that knows me more than most people. And he's a very considerate, lovely bloke and I thought well that means a lot I'm somebody that knows me more

than most people and he's a very considerate lovely bloke and he's looked deep in his heart to tell me that little did I realise that I would automatically qualify for that compliment if I sent you an email what it

is is listen I look at Sarah and I empathise massively where sarah is at the moment i've been there and now i hear from jemma who's a massive fan of my work and like has found solace upon my words right i have to reach out and say to uh jemma yo yo you can do this mate because you can do anything right the world is your Clamp it open and suck back that sweet flesh. Jesus Christ! What? What?

That's... Oh, my God. That was so disgusting. That's what you do with an oyster. Are you back in the room? Just so you know, guys, Tom and I have got no idea what each other are saying on this podcast. The Wi-Fi is just dog shit.

Okay, can you hear me? Yeah, I'll pick your voice up again it's damn wifi it's so annoying this wifi my apologies that is how you eat an ice today ok ok this is from

Russ now you remember that we asked Wolf and our listeners if we should do a full-on shit episode, right? Yeah. And a lot of people have come saying they want that. Now, I don't think we should do this. But I have, for that, just in case we decide to, I have put aside all of the kind of shit,

the shit-specific emails emails you're 50 50 on it well i'm not sure i mean i i have a lot of feces led stories as you know um uh and so do you you've got some perlers um but i don't know i i just don't know if i i i think we should drip them through you know the next 15 20 episodes if we do one per episode i mean you know you open the door to them what do we we become the scat brothers or something all right well look the reason the reason the reason i'm mentioning all this yeah this this email stood out uh it's shit based um i'm just warning it's quite a long email so well let's hope to god that you actually hear all of it okay so this is uh dear rom and tom i'm russ and i'm 38 from the midlands uh great podcast uh great comradeship you guys exude my

email is in reference to a puka nun gem that i'd love some thoughts on given each of your bearing varying degrees of fecal decorum back in 2018 i discovered to my horror that a very good friend of mine willfully took shits in the sea claiming that it was hygienic as the salt water provided excellent cleanliness and the shit would just shoot out into the deep no suspicion no guilt no wiping i was staggered by this as were most people out that day so much so they had to take it to social media and so created a poll despite an impressive seven percent turnout the verdict was clear the majority believed it was okay to shit in the ocean 53 claiming it was okay it's very similar to the brexit result this then i took the result on the chin but i never got over

it how can any bowel movement end without a wipe it was too much for me to comprehend fast forward to 2020 this topic still bugged me i decided to go back to the people and ask the question slightly differently. He's gone for a referendum on this. This time I asked if anyone had ever shit in the sea. A whopping 93% had not. Did I feel vindicated? No, I did not. I thought that some may have been caught short and immediately exited the water to wipe up.

That scenario I can accept, but it didn't appear that way from the... I'm getting pretty lost in the fucking numbers here, I'll be honest with you. With a landslide result of 93% of people not taking a dump in the sea i felt confused i felt a deep mistrust in how the way language can manipulate results in fact i didn't know where to turn to get this monkey off my back maybe it's from being landlocked from being from landlocked midlands i don't understand the multi-use of sea can have i need some guidance and can think of nowhere better to get that from the wolf and owl so please clear up for me If it is indeed okay to willfully poo in the ocean, please discuss.

Give your thoughts and put it to the wolf and owl community for a definitive answer. Well, first of all, I'm not putting it to the wolf and owl community. You've already had two votes here. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I guess the basic question here, if we boil it down, Tom, is it okay to shit in the sea?

I'm with Russ on this. I mean, I've never sh shit in the sea i'm with russ on this i mean i've never shat in the sea i will say that i've come close i've had a couple of big wet farts in the sea um and i will also agree with his friend that after a wet fart what i knew was a wet fart i scrambled to the to the shoreline as quickly as i could and and found the closest latrine uh and uh yeah upon wiping found that there was nothing there. What an incredibly needless detail that was. What? What?

That's the moral of the story. Like, yeah, the salt water will wash away all your sins. Why would you not shit in the ocean? There's loads of stuff in there, isn't there? I mean, like, there's loads of animals shitting in the ocean, so why would you not shit in the ocean? There's loads of stuff in there, isn't there? I mean, there's loads of animals shitting in the ocean, so why would you not shit in the ocean? Well, number one, I think we shouldn't be adding to it. There's a whole blue planet about it, mate.

What about not shitting in the ocean? Well, no, I mean, he was sort of hinting at that at one point. I think if... I would not want to be there if david attenborough was at the beach and he saw me shitting in the ocean so that would be the worst thing i think for me would be i was shitting in the ocean and attenborough's just sitting there and he sees me doing it i'd be fucking devastated so i think a good rule of thumb actually is would you do it in front of david attenborough that should be what we all think about when we're out and about and

we've got oh should we shit here or what? Or do you know what I mean? Or should we be sick in this bucket? Okay, but just following that logic on, I wouldn't shit on a toilet in front of David Attenborough. He's not going to be in the bathroom with you, is he? He'd probably be outside it. And you'd open the door and go, thank you for waiting on me.

You're a gentleman and a scholar. So what you've just said is, you've got to think about, would you do this in front of David Attenborough? And then, for instance, this is where you wouldn't. You go, but David Attenborough's not going to be here. What are you talking about? No, he's not in the bathroom with you. Like, if he's at the beach.

Right. Imagine he was at the beach. So you wouldn't steal someone's ice cream, would you? Because it's David Attenborough's. Where is he at the beach? He's probably sitting in one of those lifeguard towers. Okay, so he's sitting

in one of those lifeguard towers watching for moral decisions or something, isn't he? Let me tell you this now. If I wanted to shit in the ocean and David Attenborough was on a lifeguard tower,

I would do it. You'd still do it then? Yeah. I can't lie. You have gone somewhat down in my estimation. Why? David Attenborough's sitting there on his lifeguard tower and he's looking out and goes,

oh, there's rubbish. I like misadventures. He's always funny on TV. Oh, he's pooing in the sea. So all of the good work you've done in your life has completely been misunderstood. If David Attenborough's on a lifeguard tower and I decide to take a shit in the ocean

he will never know all I'll do is I'll go to the waters up to my sort of belly or whatever I'll just pull my shorts down

around my arse and just curl one out depth charge like a fucking submarine missile I won't even change my facial expression well

I will say that for knowing David Attenborough in the fact that I've watched all of his TV shows, he's one of the most perceptive people I've ever seen in my life. So you might think,

you'd be sitting there going, oh, he might not have any idea that I'm doing a poo-poo. And David Attenborough will be sitting there going, oh, there's Romesh having a poo in the sea. Think less of him.

I just think that, look. Okay, let's follow up then. And I would say say this your poo face as well i can imagine is like quite extreme all right listen here's a question then would you piss in the sea yes i've pissed in the sea a million times okay would you do if david attenborough was there well it's water going into water isn't't it? So it doesn't... You fucking... I'm surprised I haven't got whiplash for that fucking 180. No, right.

If David Attenborough was there, I would probably... I would do it and then I would go up and say, I feel quite disgusted after because you've made all the documentaries about what we should do with the CNL, we should look after it. But yeah, I had to go for a wee one. So David Attenborough is sitting up, for some reason, he's sitting up in the lifeguards tower. He sees you fucking walking out the water up towards him.

He's just thinking, fucking hell. I just want to be left alone and have a day at the beach. And you walk up to him and go, oh, David, I hope you're having a good day, mate. Oh, I'm not. Honestly, I try to live with myself, but I've got to tell you, I just won't be able to live with myself if I don't tell you this. When I was over there, you see me over there,

playing a bit of beach ball with that kid I don't really know? The kid I don't know? What weird thing are you throwing there? While I was out in the ocean, I'm going to be straight up with you. I did a big old piss in the sea. And I've watched all your shows. I know that goes against all the ethos and the spirit

and the liberties you've extended to us with regards to what we do with our planet and its oceans. And I just want to take this opportunity to apologise. Is that how it would go down? Yeah. And I'll probably give him a high five and buy him an ice cream. After having taken a piss without washing your hands. Look, mate.

The way I see it is the beach is weird and it's a conjured place. It's like... Okay. Okay. Okay. Here's a conjured place. It's like, okay. Okay. Okay. Here's another question for you. All right. Because I've pissed in the ocean a lot.

Right. And I think most, most people have. Right. Here's my other question. How far away do other people have to be from you in the ocean for you to freely piss? Uh, I'd say between 4 and 8 foot

Foot? Yeah If someone was 4 feet away from you You would piss Fucking hell What? You must have been there

You get a funny look And then someone's like They know because they felt the warmth. Yeah. Oh, well, it's not as cold as I thought. Oh,

no. How far are you? You're one of those people who's got to fucking swim to a boy that's about half a mile away. I've got to go a fair distance. Yeah,

I would say that. How far? Far. I'd swim for a bit is what I'd say. Tom, can you hear me Tomo yeah

yeah okay yeah I can just hear you mate it's just fucking isn't it boy so basically this has been this has been

the bonus episode of the Wolf and I listen we don't know currently how good or not this is going to be because for most of this podcast I had no idea what Tom was saying

and Tom had no idea what I was saying. Listen, let's see what the edit sounds like. We apologise. It is a bonus. Do you know what I mean? If it was the main one, I'd be absolutely mortified. But as it is, he doesn't give a shit. We'll be looking into my uh internet collection for uh the uh next

main episode so uh yeah um guys thank you so much for listening feel free to piss in the sea and shit if the mood takes you what are you doing now just doing a picture oh yeah go on can you do the picture so thank you so much for listening people and bearing with me. If you've made it this through, this much through, thank you.

If you have a problem, opinion, feedback, or anything at all, please email us at wolfowlpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas.

Thank you.