Wolf and Owl - Bonus New Year Episode

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

Despite Tom’s awful internet connection, we’re talking… a new year's greeting, spectacular moustaches, meeting famous footballers, smelling great, AWOL food deliveries, a bit of baby parenting advice and the ups and downs of autograph-hunting. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Life's a trip. Make the most of it at best western yeah yeah what you want beak or jaws feathers or fur sharp teeth or feet with claws whatever's preferred they'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves then podcast the body parts get severed and served Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows

Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon, you'll see nothing All you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping impressive in it the death bringing his head spinning just kidding every word in this song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog oh my gosh it's 2022 what are you going to do well for now i'll back up in your fucking

ears yeah wow that's so like you know what you were like chilled coming into it little beat and then you dropped the f-bomb 2022 cool right uh we got tom davis in here rocking like he's looking for his brother luigi what's uh what's the deal with this mustache this is for a film i'm doing a film at the moment i can't say what film you can't yeah you keep twiddling it you are allowed to say what film is you've talked about it film. I'm doing a film at the moment. I can't stop doing this. You can say what film. Yeah, you keep twiddling it. You are allowed to say what film it is. You've talked about it before. I'm doing Wonka. Yeah, yeah.

At the moment, it's pretty cool. My character is... Are you allowed to say what your character is? No, no, no. No, but I mean, everyone I say, I'm in Wonka, just turns around and goes, what, you're in a palumpa? And I'm like, yeah, funny.

Who says that? Anyone. Literally loads of... The driver yesterday said it when I got in the car. You're not an Oompa Loompa in this, are you, mate? I was like... Are you waxing that moustache? No, at the moment it's just got grease in it.

Grease? Yeah, yeah. That you've secreted from your lip? Yeah, like sweat and stuff from being in the gym or whatever. That's what you've got to do, yeah. Yeah, but I will wax it. I actually kind of like it. I kind of like the buzz of it.

I think it suits you. It's quite, I don't know, it's like invigorating. It feels like, you know, like, wow, just fucking completed facial hair. And like, give me a fucking medal, dude. Hold on. You've had three styles. You've had beard, no beard, and a moustache. You've not completed

facial hair have you there's loads of things you haven't done you haven't done the little Robert Pires just single line down there

oh mate you've got to be a don to carry that off though I can't believe anybody would decide to do that I find it amazing that anybody would do that

Pires Pires was arguably for me one of the most stylish men ever to put on a football kit and go out on the field and play the beautiful game I love. Pires was arguably for me one of the most stylish men ever to put on a football kit and go out on the field and play the beautiful game.

I love Robert Pires and I remember going to watch Arsenal-Newcastle in the FA Cup. Yeah. And I don't know if you remember this, but Robert Pires broke his leg. I don't remember that, no, no.

And he was down by the hoardings and all the Newcastle fans were just screaming at him. It was horrible. It was so horrible. Imagine the screaming abuse at him. Imagine breaking your leg. I know. Imagine a situation at work where you break your leg

and then as you're lying on the floor waiting for medical treatment, people are fucking... People are letting from the street and other offices just to shout at you. People from a rival company have been sent in to just fucking absolutely rinse you.

Just stand above you shouting, hollering. I've met Robert Perez. Have you met him? Why is it that you've met and are friends with more Arsenal players than I am? I think the thing about it is, right, is I am myself when I meet them.

And I'm chilled. They kind of like the vibe that I give off. I'm not thirsty. I'm not needy. Well, that's weird because on every episode of this podcast, you've been thirsty. So now I'm trying to figure out what is the real you. Yeah, but when I'm around footballers,

there's a cool... Like, footballers from other teams. Like, if I was to meet Declan Rice, Mark Noble, Mikel Antonio, I'd lose my shit, right? But I'm sort of like... I'm like a dog that they can't tame

when I meet these... Like, you know. So, like, I've met Fabregas as well. I've met Perez. Perez. I called him bobby perez he laughed uh it was actually quite funny i would laugh if i was annoyed in front of somebody i didn't know that was quite big you know the thing where you get a pole and you'll turn round and round and round until you're dizzy, and then you'll take a penalty. You ever done that? I had to do that for Robert Pires, right?

Dizzy penalties? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know if you knew what it was, so I didn't want to fool you. Me and Bobby did that, right? When was this, sir? This was a while ago for some World Cup or Euro show

that we were doing okay I missed the ball completely fell flat on my face yeah he actually scored his penalty fast a very good goalkeeper

but when I fell on flat on my face I sort of broke my glasses a bit and he came over to me and went you are a very funny very stupid guy. I was like Jack Duckworth with a pair of broken glasses.

I didn't know what a stupid thing had to come into it. He's like, he's in the top five smelling people I've ever met in my life. Really? Yeah. I've tried to in my life. Really? Yeah. I've tried to become one of those people.

Do you know there are certain people that just when you're around them, they smell unbelievable. And I think it really stays with you that. And I've tried my best, but it's very difficult to try and get that without looking like you just put too much aftershave on it. How they do it is I think they train their pores and their skin to soak in the aftershave in a certain way i think that's exactly what they do they train that you're absolutely right thank you so much spongy bits of their like their skin yeah skin and it takes it in more than like for me and you our skin's almost

like repelled by the nice smells and nice things it's like like, it sort of leaks out. You know when you put that wax on a car that's hydrophobic? That's what our bodies are like for nice smelling stuff. Like if you spray aftershave onto my body, it just runs off the top of my skin. Yeah, but if I'm within six foot of dog shit, it will smell on me. We should chat out now.

For some unknown reason, my internet connection is absolutely toiled at the moment. It's terrible. Well, let's be absolutely honest. Your internet connection is shit every week. But today... It's really bad, though, isn't it? It's really bad, yeah.

I might have to call whoever my broadband person is, because you can get these little things that you put in your room now, and it gives you a booster. It gives you more power, right? Yeah, yeah, we did that. Did it work? Yeah, it did.

I'll tell you what works better than that is when we were doing the Ranganation from my house, and we had to film it from my garage. So the whole show was running off my Wi-Fi. And the production company said to me, can you phone up your internet provider and just tell them to give you faster internet? We'll pay for it if it costs anything.

And I genuinely phoned him up and I got through to him and I said, look, this is a bit weird, but I'm doing a TV show from my house and I need my internet to be faster. Oh, dropping it, dropping the name. Look, it was such a show-off. I'm not dropping it.

What's your name, sir? I think you know him. It's Robert Schwenken-Afield. Well, he does know who I am because I had to go through a security thing. Yeah, I know. It's like, there's an element of you

being a bit of a show-off there. I imagine your feet were on your desk, you had trainers on, like your hair was all slicked back.

Probably had like a toothpick in your mouth. Like Gordon Gecko. Do you know what's what I don't know what I'm sort of enjoying is the low resolution

that I'm getting these insults in so go on so what happens go on sorry well I said to him I said to him I'm doing a TV show

from my house and I need my internet to get turned up and he said and I said you can let me know how much it is or whatever. And he goes, hold on one second.

And he went off the line for, I reckon a minute. And he came back on and he went, it should be faster now. Really? Yeah. And then I looked, I checked, because you know you get these things

where you can speed test twice as fast. I don't know what he'd done if they put like a, they're putting a restrictor on and it's like a part of a test that all you've got to do is phone up and go can i faster internet and they just do you live a good review for him what do you mean well like he he helped you out he's essentially he was one of the biggest parts of making that tv show was he thanked for it or i thanked him on the phone yeah what else am i supposed to do well i don't know send him like

some sort of like a bouquet of flowers or like some shit like that. I'm actually trying to do that later, actually. Well, how far were you at? Were you like, listening, I've got a bloody boner pick with you. Here we go. It's the first one of 2022. My bloody, my internet is bloody slow, mate. And I need it fast. And then he was like, oh, oh hold up let me just see what

I can turn it up and then you were like alright thank you or did you go I would say that I was equally as embarrassing as that in a different way because I sort of went now listen I think this is a bit weird I've been asked to phone you up and ask this

but I don't it feels like a bit of a mad thing to ask can you can you make my internet faster because i've got to do this i'm doing this show from my house and they've just said i can phone off and make my internet and obviously if you like if you say no it's impossible i'll go back to them and go as i suspected but like i did it like that it's really sort of embarrassing isn't it yeah but i think you could have been more confident that and got away with it. Like, it's like, you've got an air about you sometimes, which is so confident and cool.

But sometimes I think, like, when your back's against the wall and, like, internet and stuff, I think you can just be more proactive. Can I tell you something that I'm almost certain of? It's based on the way that you responded to what I said. I reckon you heard about 45 to 50% of that

oh yeah because my internet was so slow my internet you literally because because I know I know for a fact

if you'd have heard everything I said there you would have just you would have gone oh no oh no like really this is how I heard

this is how it was in my ears it was like oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh you know what's what's And he was just like, oh, Mr. Rangel. You know what's so annoying? There's a number of things that fuck me off about that. First of all, that I am getting my voice taken the piss out of because you can't sort your fucking internet out. That's the first thing. And secondly, the fact that rather than just going, oh, sorry, I didn't get that.

You just basically decide to, you just do something. i can't be bothered to fucking ask you what that was so i'm just gonna style it out like i heard it and carry on with the conversation that's how little you give a shit about what i'm actually saying on this i give a load of shits about it but also you don't you don't fucking hear any of it i mean you just i heard you know what i knew because i because honestly i finished and you didn't say hear any of it. I heard that. I knew. Do you know what? I knew. Because honestly, I finished, and you didn't say anything for about 10 seconds, right? Yeah, but that's been the whole of this conversation. I suppose you could have been a bit more confident of that.

I thought, that's one of the most generic fucking non-committal responses to that you could have ever fucking pulled out your arse. Trying to stall that out. Yeah, but sometimes, you must do that sometimes if you're at a party and some people are having a conversation and you're not a part of it and you maybe get like 30% of the conversation then you sort of stick your head in and go

oh I'm fucking skiing huh yeah I do that at a party with people I don't know I don't do it on a podcast that depends on two people having a conversation if you're at a party with five people that depends on two people having a conversation. If you're at a party with five people and that conversation's not being broadcast, then yes, I would accept that you can just sort of pretend

that you're hearing it. When it's a two-person conversation intended for public consumption, I reckon make sure you hear what the other person's saying. Yeah, but then you'd have had to tell the story again and it would have been like you'd have got in a panic and a tiz and it would have been like, you know, I in a panic and a tizz, and it would have been like, you know,

I sort of, I went with my gut of how I thought, yeah, you know, like, sort of sometimes, I don't know, like,

you'll get the wrong bindo, and you'll have to make an excuse for it. Who are you making an excuse to for that? Catherine, the binman. Right. I'll tell you what I did. I was doing,

I was doing a tour show in Ipswich the other night and I made an order on Deliveroo and for whatever reason I put in a different theatre in Ipswich for the address

and then the guy phones me up and he goes I'm outside and I go I'm outside and he goes I can't see you then as I'm on the phone to him, I realise what I've done. And I was just too embarrassed to say that's what I'd done. So I pretended that somebody else had done the order. I said, oh, it's a mate of mine. Must have put the wrong theatre in or whatever.

And then, because I was ashamed that this guy would think I put the wrong theatre in. So I just, I basically blamed a fictional character. Did he come to your, did he come to the new theater i thought this order might be over because i i think he was well within his rights to go listen mate you're not even telling me the right address i'm gonna leave the food here you can come and get it yourself at some point right but he didn't he said i'll come to your theater i'll come to where you see this this guy sounds like a legend came over so what was your issue uh the other day we'd'd had, like, no sleep.

We were both exhausted. And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to get a Pizza Express, a little delivery number. And so I ordered it at, like, 1 o'clock. And at 4.30, it still wasn't here with us. And I phoned. I was, like, texting delivery. I was phoning.

By now, by the way, we'd eaten something else, and I was like, it was just like, I just wanted to see how the outcome of the story was. The outcome basically was Pizza Express, where I live, had closed at fucking three o'clock in that afternoon, right? And there was no drivers out. I was like, literally, I can't fathom, by the way,

and this is like, look, why Deliveroo isn't broken down, so they can't contact the drivers until you're assigned a driver or a rider, right? So they have no idea of how many people are actually where everyone is. There's no map of like, oh, look, Roger's there,

Trevor's there, Doris is here, so they can go, these are all where all the fucking people from Deliveroo are. They can see it on a map with all the little bleepers of where they are. Which they were doing in 80s fucking action films, right? So they can't see where everyone is and go, oh, you know what? Your food will be with you at 2.30. It's like, we can't do anything until the person gets to pizza. I'm like, by the way, my pizza is now definitely cold and ruined

so so what happened what happened was is that pizza express made the pizzas but there was nobody to pick them up is that what happened yeah there's a driver shortage right it's really bad it's really bad and the driver and the drivers in your area i imagine the reason that there's a shortage of drivers is that they've all got names from the 1970s. You know what? I think pensioners would be great for delivery. More pensioners getting it. I think so too. I think they'd have a relaxed style about them.

I think they'd be polite and nice. It'd give them a nice thing, sort of get out and about and see the area and stuff like that. Well, they love driving around and just doing nothing anyway. I just think if you get a knock on the door and it's someone who says, Oh, you've ordered yourself a pizza, have you? Oh, that'll be nice.

I'm going to try one one day, but I'm just not comfortable with foreign food really. I can't really get my head around garlic. So what is it, bread and tomato and cheese? You just make that at home, can't you? We only have the fish and

chips. Cheese? You just make that at home, can't you? We only have the fish and chips. I'm fucking excited today. Go on, hit me up. Really excited. The McPlant goes into all McDonald's stores as of yesterday. I know.

I knew that you'd be. I knew you'd have a lazy on about that. Oh. I'm doing a show at the Apollo tonight, and McDonald's are catering my show tonight. You're joking. By that, I mean I'm going to order McDonald the Apollo tonight and McDonald's are catering my show tonight. You're joking. By that I mean I'm going to order McDonald's from Deliveroo. Oh, you're such a...

I love how you sort of like, you know, the emperor of new clothes. You're like, oh yeah, McDonald's are doing me a fucking did all the catering at my show. I keep throwing it out there like you're Mr. T. I don't think McDonald's is on Deliveroo, is it? Is McDonald's on... McDonald's is on Just Eat, like you're Mr. T. I don't think McDonald's is on Deliveroo, is it?

Is McDonald's on... McDonald's is on Just Eat, I think, mate. Yeah. So it'll be Just Eat. I'll be hitting up today, then. Oh, man. The thought of you sat back, you know, just eating that McPlant, as that delicacy touches your lips.

I've had one, so I know how thrilled you'll be. Get two, mate. Get two. Squeeze it into one bun. I am thinking about getting two. But can we share what we were talking about before we started recording? Because you and I are on very different trajectories fitness-wise. Because since 2022 started, I have not done any exercise.

I have been eating disgustingly. As we speak, I've got a family-sized bag of popcorn on the go. And what did you tell me before we started? I've lost a stone since Grace has been born. A lot of that is stress and anxiety and no sleep. What a fitness plan. Yeah, mate. I'm still going to the gym.

To be fair, i've eaten healthier though i've not i've had i've had like two or three mcdonald's and chinese and indian food but you know this year yeah yeah that's you eating healthier is it yeah but i've had like since she's three and a half weeks old and that time i've had one chinese three curries and three mcdonald's so that's yeah yeah that's I mean look what I would say to you is you've just had a kid so I don't think

you should be worrying about this at all I think you get whatever the fuck you want how did you get your sweet rounds night feeding did you ever have to

did you do them well it was oh man this fucking internet I don't know what's so bad it's bad isn't it yeah but it's never

been this it's never been this bad before I don't know whether I should bad. It is bad, isn't it? Yeah, but it's never been this bad before. I don't know whether I should go down and turn off the TV downstairs. Would that make a difference? And is Catherine just going to be staring at a blank screen for the rest of the podcast? No, no, she's with the baby.

Actually, I'll tell you what it is. We've got a TV on the X. She's in our bedroom watching something while she's feeding Grace. And have you got some other laptops just running Netflix for the fuck of it as well? So if I turn off the TV downstairs, do you reckon that would be better does it run off the wi-fi yeah of course yeah well then yes absolutely right two seconds two seconds i feel like i'm talking to a nana so tom's just gone off to sort to switch his tv off in the hope that this is

going to improve his internet when tom comes back i'm gonna ask him a few questions about because obviously we've had a lot of nice emails i haven't talked to him about this yet a lot of nice emails from people saying how happy they are that tom has um has had this uh has had his kid um he's been very stressed out actually he he's been stressed out and delighted he's been stressed out because he's been sleep deprived for obvious reasons having a baby in the house so what i'd love if you guys could email in some sort of tips to deal with that sleep deprivation because he's been texting me and all i've kept saying to him is it'll get

easier or get easier but i don't think that's what he wants to hear yeah when you're in a situation like that what you don't want to hear is it's going to get easier in like a year or something like that so any tips to help him out because he is a bit stressed out at the moment and he's he's on one car he's doing a lot of things so did you manage to get it sorted out yes yeah i've turned off the tv downstairs it's already better yeah already better yeah it's it's crazy i didn't i didn't even think of that so namaste Namaste. 11 a.m. Today. Something is coming. Kong.

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Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for rebelses so tom how's fatherhood training it's it's incredible the hardest bit is the the nights I think the nights are draining right did you do did you did you stay up and do the night feeds

and stuff why have you spoken to the swan it feels like you've got some inside information no no I can imagine

you're a good guy I imagine you would yeah I did I did in the beginning and then what happened was is and this sounds like it became clear that i'm a much heavier

sleeper than lisa is so when theo started crying i would not wake up yeah this is where you have this problem and then i'd wake up in the morning and go that was an easier night and then lisa would look at me like she wants to kill me because she'd been up seven times that night so um she not wake you up when she got up no no? No. That's a decent... At the moment, we're like... We're just taking it in terms of like,

this is your moment when you're on and then Catherine has her moment there. So we have like five hours sleep and then we take it in like shifts. But yeah, man,

it's pretty fucking taxing. Hence, that's why we didn't do a podcast on Wednesday, right? Yes, apologies for that. Yeah, I mean, and the fact that we have... I'm maybe more intimate, it's just not used to working on a Thursday morning. Well, it's quarter to two in the afternoon,

so I don't know how that would affect what we're doing here. But yeah, apologies for not having a podcast out this wednesday um also we need to say apologies for people who've ordered the merch and haven't received it that was a a problem with the warehouse they didn't send so and we didn't do a stock check did we so we sort of um well we we thought we had more than we had is what is basically what happened so yeah we're getting more in um i've got i'm going to throw in a copy of i signed copy of my book for all the people that missed out on it you should do like a signed picture of you as well why there's pictures in the book there's a picture on the front of the book i'm just going to sign there i actually actually actually my my do you have this your agents have this my agents have got like a stack of postcards

with my photo on that you can sign if people ask for an autograph. Do you know what the trouble is? There's a whole fucking underground scene at local markets where people sell those pictures framed. So they pretend it's like they'll send a message to your agent saying, I really want a picture of Romesh or Tom or Bradley Cooper or whatever. And then they'll get those pictures and then they'll sell them at like you know crawley market or sort of mate this so this happens like when you turn up at some some of the tour venues there'll be like people standing

outside the venue and they go can you sign this photo and you go all right and then they give you five and it's good there's no fucking way this is for you do you know what I mean yeah oh you know what I was I said what's your name and then I I signed it to their name well then what if they go

can you just do it like can you just do can you just do the autograph just blank and now to say that's not really what you're doing it for you challenged them

so then and there you have that confrontation a show that's your show is a different one from the I'm not used to doing like if that's your show is a different one from the, I'm not used to doing like, if it's my show, I'm used to the guys that sort of standing outside Sunday brunch or,

yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's a different ilk of person. So you, you confront those people, will you? I'll be a little bit more like,

you know, yeah. There'll be a little bit more fire in my belly. Like the people. I know. Listen, listen, let me stop you there.

I know what you do. Okay. What you do is you sign it, let me stop you there. I know what you do. Okay? What you do is you sign it but you're slightly grumpy about it. That's basically what that means. Yeah, there's a bit more stank in my signature.

Yeah, sure. But they're still able to sell that picture. I was staying at a hotel not so long ago and Salma Hayek was also staying there. And the amount of people

waiting outside to sign, to get her autograph was insane. And then like just one guy just waiting outside to sign to get her autograph was insane. And then just one guy just went, oh my God, it's Tom Davis, he's here too. And no one else knew who I was. And I had to sign a picture of someone else

from the film she was in on the back. Do you know the most embarrassing thing is when you turn up to those things with people that are you know proper like properly famous yeah and and and you and you have like i always request not to do the red carpet now like whenever like we go to any of these things to say is there another door that i can go for and i think a lot of few people do that and sometimes they say yes and a couple of times i go we'd actually rather that they did the red carpet so you sort of try and do it as quickly as you can and you do it and basically what happens is you walk along nobody

wants a photo of you and the only time somebody calls out your name is to ask you to move out the way so that's the most soul-destroying thing is when someone's asked for a picture and then someone like security asked you to move on i had it once where i was at an event and mel b was there and someone was getting a picture and then someone just came out and went mate seriously mel b's about to do the carpet so can you just get a move on because you know and i was like oh cool yeah yeah so i sort of rushed along and then just watching the difference of someone who everyone knows who they are i know i know it's horrible yeah it's fucking horrible i did a film called free fire a couple years ago and um

people were shouting out from the thing like so as i walked along like a film premiere they'll go like they've called out the cast names and they're like going through the different you know cast people and then the announcer said and now i'm doing the red card though i've done your voice and now i'm doing i do yeah no it's because that's that's the voice you do for anybody who thinks a fucking nerdy twat that's why and then as i get onto the carpet so then i come uh killian murphy michael smiley and now big john davis which is my dad's name, but also, so as I'm walking down the red carpet, people are just going,

John, John, like that, and I'm like, oh, hey, hey, like,

and I think, I've only got a small part of the film anyway, and then you're doing people's, and I signed everyone's book that day, Big John, like, because no one, literally not one person went, it's Tom, Big John. Because no one, literally not one person went,

it's Tom, isn't it? Like that. Your name's not even... No, but the thing is, the thing with that is, if they've, somebody might think it's Tom. Yeah, yeah.

Right? But then, like, the official announcer says it's John. Yeah, yeah. I'm not playing the game. So you go, so you just go, oh, I must have got it wrong.

It must be John David. Yeah, but also... Or maybe he's going by John Davis now, like Andy Cole, you know, when he not playing the game. So you just go, oh, I must have got it wrong. It must be John David. Yeah, but also... Or maybe he's going by John Davis now, like Andy Cole, you know, when he's flipped to Andrew. Yeah, but it's also the fact that if you don't know enough of who I am, why would you want my autograph anyway? And also, by the way, there was people that were given posters of the film. I wasn't on the poster.

So my name wasn't on there at all. So I was signing a picture. So now, essentially, you've just got, like, a fucking guy who you don't even know he is with a name of the person you don't even know. It was pretty embarrassing. Well, mate, so you say that. So when I did Just Another Immigrant, the show we did in the States, we did a scene that never made the final show.

But basically, I to um the recording of this quiz show uh let's make a deal this game show right yeah and wayne brady wayne brady was hosting um yeah who like does whose line is it anyway and stuff like there's a comic in the states yes and um i went and sat in the audience and watched the show and midway through wayne brady comes over to me this is all this wasn't, I don't think he knew who I was. We set this up for him to do this, right? He came up for the show. He came over and he said,

oh my God, Romesh Ranganathan. And I go, yeah. And he goes, guys, this guy's a comic from the UK. And we start having a chat. And then he walks off and he carries on with the show. And people in the audience afterwards come up and ask for their photos with me and i've been sat next to them like the whole like it's just they've been they've been told that somebody's famous yeah yeah and so they don't know

anything about you but i guess is that is that bad i don't know i guess you're sort of thinking oh i'm sat with somebody famous that i didn't know was famous. Let me get a photo on the off chance. It's not a bad thing. Do you still ask for photos now of people? I never ask for photos with anyone. Ever. Have you not got a picture of you and Prince William from the football and stuff?

No. You know that I have. No, I'm just thinking... I've only ever asked for a photo once and it was Chelsea Peretti was doing Big Fat Quiz and I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine so much so I asked for a photo yeah

so yeah that's pretty cool I would say fucking with the man who will be king and Tony Adams your all time favourite player that's like

that would be an amazing picture of you and those two I just don't know what you'd do with that photo I've got yeah but that's the same thing with any of these photos

I've got a picture of me and Mary Berry and you asked did you ask for it yeah i was sort of fortnum and mason where did you meet fortnum and mason's you're in fortnum and mason's you saw mary berry you asked for a photo yeah are you fucking joking no i was just like i was excited to see her it was when she was really in her pump she was like fucking she's still in her pump mate all right she's incredible but this is like when she was the queen of tv she was like everything and i got a little giddy and she was like lurking about and sort of like i sort of like oh my god were you doing tv at this point uh yeah but i was sort of very early on in my career she i think she was like knocking about either the teas or the chutneys i can't

remember one of them i sort of went over i was like yo how you doing you're right um it's all right i get a picture and i loomed over she's only tiny, yo, how you doing? You all right? It's all right, I'll get a picture. And I loomed over and she's only tiny. Have you still got that photo? I've got it. I'll have to find it. It's probably on an old phone but yeah,

it was a lovely moment. Actually, it might be on my Facebook. It was probably before I had Instagram. But yeah, she's actually, she's amazing as well.

Yeah, I bet she did. I bet she did. Who's your favourite? If there was one person in the world you could get a picture with, who would it be

that's a great question er probably Black Thought from the Roots oh wow he's like my favourite rapper

oh me too I was going to say I've got a picture of me and Thierry in red we could have put you in it we could have

imposed you into it which would have been quite cute I did a post on Instagram yeah about Black Thought and because he did this put you in it because i superimposed you into it which was quite cute i did a post on instagram yeah about black thought and uh because he did this 11 minute freestyle on this um on funk master this funk master flex show and it was amazing and loads of people talked about it at the time and then i just posted an insta story of it just going does everybody remember this amazing thing

from black thought and he messaged me back because I tagged him in the post and he messaged me saying thank you so much for wow for the shout out and I said no problem a massive fan and he said um oh thanks for your support and then I said to him I'm doing a hip-hop show on radio too uh I wondered if you fancied sort of doing anything on it and um he blanked it and uh he's not responding to any of my messages since. Did he see it? Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, man.

I've just pushed it too far. The trouble is, man, I think when you can see someone's read a message and they don't reply, it's almost worse than not knowing. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Just sort of seeing, and then you sort of, in your head, you play out how the conversation is. You're just like, oh, fucking hell. I was just trying to say, I was just trying to and then you sort of, in your head, you play out how the conversation, you're just like, oh, fucking hell. I was just trying to say,

I was just trying to give him a bit of gratitude, and now he's asking me to do him a fucking favour, this prick. He's like, who the fuck is this guy? Yeah, yeah. Black Thought, if you happen to be a Wolf and Al fan,

I'm sorry. That's the trouble, right? Because I'm quite often the one who, I'm quite often left hanging on most sort of text or DM correspondence. I'm usually the last person saying something. But with you, you're quite cool on those things, aren't you? I can imagine you're sort of like...

You let someone else put the plug in the conversation. So it probably hits you harder at times when this sort of thing happens, right? I wouldn't say it hit me hard i would say that i would say it's a worse position for black thought to not know who i am than to know who i am and think i'm a thirsty little prick which is what he does now think i mean so yeah but yeah he probably had a little scroll through your pictures and stuff and he could see that you're pretty cool and you cool stuff yeah i can't imagine. I don't really take any solace from that,

to be honest with you, based on what my Instagram content is. So, you know, I can't imagine he's looking at me and the photo of me wearing an arm condom in Dubai and thinking, oh, this guy seems cool. Okay, listen, before your internet completely shuts down, do you want to do some emails? Yeah. Okay. Let's do

this. I don't, listen, I'm very interested to know how this is going to turn out. I don't know if you and I have actually had a direct conversation today, because... I don't know, because of the internet being so bad. But you know what? JT's in control, so it fit. It fit. Yeah, so good luck, JT's in control, so it fit. Yeah, so good luck, JT.

Okay. I'll tell you one thing, I'm going to call my broadband provider straight after this and say that. Yeah, please do. Yeah.

Please do. We haven't, have we intro'd this podcast properly? Because we haven't said Happy New Year and shit to people, have we? No, no. This has been a disaster,

actually, in a way. Shouldn't we have formally sort of like welcomed everyone back and stuff? Yeah, no, you did. We did like, you did a little rhyming cool thing at the top. Okay, fine, fine, fine. actually in a way should we have formally sort of like welcomed everyone back and stuff yeah no you did you did you we did like you did a little rhyming cool thing at the top okay fine all right uh let's do this email this is from ben lee uh happy new year to the wolf owl and the pod family tom massive congratulations on the little one too i messaged back in august 2021 and you discussed

in episode 39 about asking my girlfriend's dad for her hand in marriage and quite rightly you both advised to ask both the parents well i did and they kept quiet and today fourth of jan she said yes amazing sweet times boy biggest love from bournemouth invite still stands dates tbc love to you both ben well Well, congratulations, Ben. That's lovely. You know what, man? I feel absolutely so pumped about that. You know, because me and you have thrown a lot of goodwill

and a lot of advice out there, and it feels like something's really stuck there. You know, we've changed. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, this is part of the problem with you. What you've done now is you're getting us to take sole credit for Ben's proposal of being successful. And the truth is... We all have the power to shape the world.

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Expires April 8th. It's obviously not down to us. She would have said yes regardless. Yeah, but would it have been the same? Now you're going... He might have not done, but I still think she probably would have said yes. What you're doing now, I'm so pumped

because thanks to us, these people are going to get married. This is classic Tom Davis. Listen, I think you'd agree with me. I'd love nothing more than to surprise ben and his bride on their wedding day that would be so good just we surprise them we just turn up someone he's he looks basically down the it would be great to surprise him he's at the front of the church right he looks down all the pews right and at the back me and you are sitting there in matching suits,

and we just both nod. And he will go, oh, my fucking God, they're both here. And then when she comes down the aisle, she'll be like, she'll mouth at him, my God, like, what are they doing here? That would be so sweet. I think she'd probably say that, but I think she'd say it in a different tone. It'd be a bit more like, what are they doing here?

I can't believe you fucking emailed that podcast again, you prick. She'll be like, she will come running up to us and say, she'll hold my left hand and your right hand, and she'll look and go, thank you so much. This would never have happened without you.

You are our kindred spirits and then like her parents will come over and they'll be like you guys and then lastly it will just be us in the church with Ben and then Ben will go like my family

my family just grew by like I've got two brothers now something like that okay yeah all right well ben look we'll we'll see you we'll see you at the wedding one of us will anyway um okay ben ben congratulations i know i know this one loves the wedding she likes her knees up uh we'll probably i doubt we'll take kids i suppose sort of theo's probably old enough to look after uh little grace so yeah it'll be nice nice. It'll be, yeah, three times. Yeah, we'll see you there. Okay,

next email. Hi Swan, Owl and Wolf. Yes, I have changed the order, that's why they call me the Humpback Whale. What else is it? As you were both parents, big up Tom and Catherine, I'd like to share something that happened last week. For Christmas, I bought my three kids a Nintendo Switch with Mario Kart.

Great. This is a great Christmas present, by the way. That's amazing. The best game ever, may I add. So I've been teaching my kids how to play it, and in the process, I've been smashing my wife on the game as she thinks she's up to the challenge. I can relate to this completely. The swan and I have often challenged each other to Mario Kart.

Catherine's incredible at Mario Kart, by the way. Is she really? She's incredible at it. Like, annoyingly amazing. Anyway, over the weekend, I don't know if that's my at like annoyingly amazing right anyway over the weekend oh god what happened to my voice there i took my kids to the park on their bikes and we happened to have bananas so i had the bright idea to throw the banana skins oh god to throw the banana skins on the floor for the kids to dodge like you do a mario kart it was funny for the first five minutes

but then i threw one at my son and he dodged it and smashed his bike into his little sister and made her cry everyone was looking at me in the park and i could tell they were thinking what the fuck is this guy doing i was so embarrassed plus i got in trouble with the wife for my stupidity my question is have you either we tried to do something fun and it turned horribly wrong involving kids uh swan thank you for picking out this email promise can you please stop changing your dates i've been trying to see you for two years now all the best humpback whale right um he just obviously doesn't know the reason you're changing it's because of the pandemic yeah i mean i guess the news hasn't got to him he's been too busy out there just playing mario kart he's just

bananas at children trying to make the bikes go bigger from eating a mushroom um go on tom uh yeah i've had a few i've i've had a few times where i've sort of like actually recently i was in what i thought was a conversation which was all adults and uh didn't realize it so like we've talked about recently about this with the santa claus thing right um you gotta be a little bit careful but there was like a like a 13 year old in the conversation we were in and i sort of said something about like the santa claus you know not being real um i hope there's no kids listening to this because obviously i'll be jt maybe break that out just in case there are any little ones listening to this i think if there if there are kids listening to this

santa claus isn't the biggest issue with what's going on there so um like as i was talking and joking about this thing uh you know like people went from laughing about the anecdote i was telling to everyone sort of going very quiet and looking at each other and looking at the kid and then looking at me and the kid looked very confused it was a real like moment of like oh fucking hell like i mean like i said i was 13 i just assumed like you know can i just some i actually think you've done that kid a favor you you can't be 13 and believing in santa i'm sorry yeah i mean that's but that's why but then like afterwards it was just like really like there was no big like like, goodbye or anything. It was a very, like... Oh, no. It was like...

Was this family? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, it's neighbours, you know. It was like... I wouldn't say it was like... Yeah. Was this on Zoom or IRL? No.

It wouldn't be on Zoom. It would have taken a lot longer. I mean... With this internet speed, with my... No, it was, like, literally in the street, sort of. What's started to happen now is I've started since

I'll take me and Catherine we'll go for a walk and the conversation I end up I see we seem to have

much longer conversations with our neighbours than we used to about stuff like over Christmas I think because everyone was it felt like

everyone no one did much over Christmas so you go for a walk on like Boxing Day and stop for 15 or 16 I found out I got more material

during that Christmas period than I was actually writing stuff with the known thing that I was probably going to bump into quite a few neighbours Right, right, right, yeah Did you hear that or were you doing what I did earlier? I just gave it the response that I thought it deserved, that's all, wasn't it?

But you're an Apple storage this kind of thing, right? I mean, I can imagine. Well, no, I don't know if it's trying to do something. I don't know if it's trying to do something fun, but I often get bollockings from Lisa for ignoring the kids' bedtimes when she's out and I'm looking after them because I just think I want to hang out with the kids.

You've got to play the computer and stuff. Yeah, Mario Kart. We've got to play the computer and stuff. Yeah. Mario Kart. We played Fortnite for a bit. I've played FIFA with them quite a bit. One of the things that I did was our second son, he was complaining about his youngest, about our youngest, and sort of going, well, he was a baby,

because we had to keep doing stuff and they had to go to bed and we were asking him to be good because he had a baby in the house. And then he just said, I'm fed up with having a baby, just because we had to keep doing stuff and they had to go to bed and we were asking him to be good because he had a baby in the house. And then he just said, I'm fed up with having a baby in the house. I don't want a baby brother. And I said, do you mean that? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, well, I can sort that out for you.

And then I pretended to phone the hospital to ask them to take... Oh, no, this is so bad. Christ. I pretended to phone the hospital and ask them to take... Oh, no, this is so bad. Christ. I pretended to phone the hospital and ask them to take him back. I said, look, we've got a bit of a situation. One of our other kids doesn't want him around, so would you mind taking him back and giving him to a different family or whatever?

And he was so... Oh, God, it was awful. He was so upset. Like... Like, so, so upset. He started crying his eyes out. Of course he fucking did god it was awful he was so upset like like so so upset he started crying his eyes out of course he fucking did it was awful it was absolutely awful lisa was so fucking angry with me it was because i do you know the thing was okay let me just in my defense i just i was listen in my defense i didn't i just thought it was unacceptable I didn't want him to talk like that about his brother.

I just wanted him to know he should not wish not to have a brother. That's really bad. And so I took extreme steps, and yeah, it wasn't the best thing. It was bad. That's like an even darker start to Home Alone. You're essentially like the mum out of Home Alone. Oh, God. Like, I love you to death, but that was, that's a big move.

And also, like, how was your acting on that? Were you like? Yeah, admittedly, I went real on it. Do you know what I mean? I went full on. Were you not at all happy? I did some details. You know, like, the way, you know, you sort of go,

sorry, what was that? No, yes, yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah, we can get him here. I can get him here was that? No, yes. Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah, we can get him here. I can get him here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, not tomorrow morning. I want him gone tonight. Yeah, exactly.

That sort of stuff. Yeah, that kind of stuff. Jeez, man. Yeah, it's bad, isn't it? Really bad. Has he ever mentioned it since? Not to me, but he's got somebody he meets with on a weekly basis, and apparently that's what they talk about mostly.

Well, he might even say say to his little brother, he's like, you're only here because I fucking, because of me. Dad was going to give you away. I used to tell my little, I used to tell my brother Dinesh

that he wasn't, that mum and dad weren't his parents and that we bought him off a woman in the street. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is that bad? Yeah.

But that's what brothers do, don't they? They tell their siblings stuff like that, don't they? Well, yeah, I mean, maybe, I don't they tell their siblings stuff like that well yeah i mean maybe i don't know how old are you what's the age difference what's the age difference between you and dinesh he's two years younger than me yeah it's the same as my sister my sister was more like you i was probably more like dinesh in a lot of ways okay so your sister's sound is she no no but our cat when we were kids, she basically did what you did with your middle son.

She turned around. We had an old cat called Daisy. And she turned around and said, oh, God, I can't wait to get a new cat. Our cat's so shit that I hate Daisy. She was probably about six or seven at a time. And then two days later, Daisy just ran away. We never saw her again.

Are you serious? Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. It's really like yeah and then yeah

some kids found a dead cat a couple of weeks later this is really bad I don't know if it was the

same cat but rumors circulated but yeah okay well look thank you very much Humback

well Tom now listen we've got a choice we've been going for about 50 minutes. We could end it here and come back to this when you've got better internet.

Or we could do one more email. What do you want to do? I think there's a world where we just say time of death. 50 minutes, 48 seconds. Time of death. Time of death, 50 minutes, 49 seconds. It's been very difficult to do this. I didn't even get the seconds out from you there.

Oh, my God. Okay. So, yeah. So, I'm going to literally get on the phone to my internet provider straight away now. Okay. I think we should consider this a bonus episode. This is a pre-22 bonus episode. So, please don't be too angry with us about this.

Yeah. And we'll do another proper one for Wednesday. Yeah, I just think, and if you have got through this far, well done. It's been probably the hardest. And we'll probably just chat. Just text in your email to the Sharon Zay you got through.

No, don't do that. We'll see how many people got through to the end no don't do that don't do that yeah but we'll say how many people got through to the end okay yeah get in touch with the word monkfish that's your if you've got through to the end of this

just get through yeah yeah that's good I like that Rob yeah okay thanks guys take care bye bye

bye guys if you have a problem, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.