Wolf and Owl - Catfishes, Testosterone & Airport Nightmares

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

What happened to Tom at Heathrow? In this week's episode, Tom tells us all about the chaos of a stressful trip through Heathrow, where a simple question led to him unloading all of his travel stress in spectacular fashion on a stranger. Elsewhere, the boys discuss the etiquette of being asked for a photo, holiday fails, dog walking small talk, and the world of Raya, online dating, and the bizarre phenomenon of being catfished. Plus, Tom attempts to turn a red squirrel, a pottery class, and a chicken jalfrezi into a meaningful story. If you've been thinking about therapy, BetterHelp can help you take the first step. Sign up and get 10% off at https://www.BetterHelp.com/wolfowl A Ranga Bee Production in partnership with Platform Media. Chapters 00:00 Intro 01:10 Snapchat 02:21 Dog chat 04:01 A side note on testosterone 04:34 Dog walking 06:56 Tom’s signalling scheme 10:56 The trouble with Rom 11:44 Tom’s Heathrow story 16:19 Rom’s holiday 18:00 Asking for photos 21:37 Rom’s airport mishap 28:50 Fast food and foreign countries 34:11 Tom’s issue with Fagan 39:18 On Raya 41:37 A Raya role play 48:15 Tom’s Outro Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wolf owl Wolf owl Wolf owl Wolf and owl podcast time Wolf and owl podcast time Wolf and Al

podcast time Wolfie Wolfie Wolfie Ow Ow ow ow hit it rum Yo What do you want Beak or jaws

feathers or fur Sharp teeth or feet with claws Whatever's prefer Just kidding every word in his song's about two grown men dressed up as a bird and a dog Welcome Are you well

To the Wolf and Al podcast The shoulder went something special there, boy. Please like and subscribe. Like and subscribe, are you kidding? Do you know what happened? I was embarrassed that I said, please like, like and subscribe. And then I did like a horrible little laugh.

You've got to be right. Please like and subscribe. Awful. A horrible start. How are you? I'm good. I just love this energy from you. Feels like a long old time since I spoke to you last.

We've both been to Portugal back. Since I spoke to you last. Well, we've spoken. We've spoken, yeah, we speak. We communicate every day, don't? Yeah. Whether it's text or phone call or carry a pigeon. Do you know what I'm thinking we could start Snapchat?

I'd throw a third one in as a joke. What? Snapchat together? Snapchat. So I downloaded Snapchat, aren't you? Well, yeah, I am actually. Nominally. Okay.

I don't have a download. I don't have, what happened was is the kids were telling me about Snapchat. So I downloaded it. I went on for like 30 seconds and I was like. Did you feel weird? Yeah, it's not for me. What is... Because they showed me what it is that they do.

Like, they do things like, please don't people have a go at me for not understanding this. They do like Snapchat streaks and stuff like that where they send each other photos every day and shit like that. It's very young. Too young for us. Yeah, but we could send each other photos of what we're doing. I know, but we can do that anyway, can't we need Snapchat.

But I like the filters on there. Yeah, I remember the filters back in the day. It's got the best filters. Yeah, it's got incredible filters. So it's quite a lot of time when younger people get a selfie with you. They'll have Snapchat and they'll have. take it on Snapchat. Yeah, and also sometimes they'll ask for a photo with you and then put a filter.

What, like a silly filter? On both of you, yeah. So somebody will ask for a photo, then I get in there and then I look like a dog. I've never, yeah. Have you not? It's happened to me more than once. Really? Yeah. You would be a cute dog. Is that...

What sort of dog do you think you'd be if you're a dog? Dash out, a little miniature dash out of. Yeah, yeah, maybe. I think you'd be... Oh, you're a Labrador. You've got Labrador. Yeah, I've got Labrador. There's no. Yeah, big lab. Yeah.

Big love, quite a chunky lab. Yeah. Sort of sat at the, you know, it always smells of Brussels sprouts when it farts. We're having a little bit of a problem with Ivy at the moment. Well, what's happening? Ivy's your, like... We've got Reggie and Ivy.

Yeah. Reggie's the older boy and Ivy's the younger girl. Reggie's all about the Lisa life and... Yeah, and also Reggie is very incredibly chilled out. Yeah. And Ivy is not. High maintenance. Yeah, she is.

I would say she's high maintenance. Diva. A little bit of a diva, yeah. I'd say that. You've got to be, yeah. But what she's taken to doing is, is being incredibly unpredictable in reacting to dogs on the walk. Oh, wow.

So we take them out about 7 o'clock in the morning. Nice. Going along and loads of people walking their dogs at that time, obviously. Have you got dog walk friends? We've got people that you see every day, yeah. Yeah. I don't stop and talk to them, no. But I'll say you don't ever sort of go, hello, John, hello, club.

No. And you end up just all four of you want to walk together. No. No. Oh, okay. Is that bad? No, because that's usually how things transpire. Yeah, I know, I know.

But the problem is, is I'm so erratic with how much I'm willing to talk at that time of the morning. Kind of like if I've been to the gym beforehand. So you get out of gym, you feel more conversational? If I've had a bit, like, if I've done something before. You've done a leg workout? Testosterone's bursted through coming out. No, my testosterone's not, testosterone, I can't even say it. My testosterone is not bursting through.

By the way, just as a little. apparently where the nation is going through a testosterone peak. Really? Because everybody's being misdiagnosed as, you know, because of all the adverts of seeing online. Yeah. People are operating under the false assumption that they've got low testosterone levels and then taking boosters. And now testosterone is through the roof. Are you taking boosters?

No. Yours is pretty high. I mean, I talked about this on stage. I had really low, I got told I had the testosterone of a 70-year-old man. What? About must have been, when did I do Cynix mixtape? Five, six years ago? No, it must have been longer than that.

And then I ended up taking, what did I end up taking? Some sort of thing. I didn't get prescribed anything, but I just sort it out. Apparently, if you wake up in the morning and you haven't got a full erection, that's a red flag. Yeah. For heart disease and testosterone. For heart disease as well? Yeah.

Okay. I read a guy put on, my algorithm is packed full of this sort of stuff. Well, so you're part of the, you're one of the, not part of the problem. You could never be part of a problem. Yeah. You're one of the victims, potential victims, of testosterone influencing. Yeah. Testoster fluencing.

Well, that's what I read. But remember, I dip in and read a little bit, and then I don't really fall off. Yeah, well, so someone, I know a little bit, and his thing was he had a heart attack. And he said one of the red flags he wished he had trouble getting and maintaining an erection. Right. And there was not enough blood pumping to his penis from his heart. Okay. So that was one of the things he was most worried about.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Well, this is great chat, by the way, for the morning when your dog walk. Yeah, well, so the point I'm trying to make is sometimes, if I've done something beforehand, then I'm quite full of Vim. Yeah. You know, when I head out.

And if somebody chats, I'll probably have a chat. But sometimes I literally roll out of bed. Yeah. Go down and get the dogs and then head outside. And then I'm not really. Yeah, but I think what you want to do is just have, it's almost like a non-committal person that you just chat. Some days you're really chatting with them other day. I think there should.

be for morning walks because I have a number of issues with, okay, so you know how you're, you're very sociable guy and I actually wish I was more like you in many ways actually. Yeah. For example, if we're sharing, sometimes I wish I was white. But when, you know, like how you are open to like just talking to people? I'm not as good at that, right? And so sometimes what happens is I will not talk to people because I'm preempting a time when I'm not. going to be in the mood to talk to somebody

and then they're going to think I'm rude. So I think if you set a bar of like it's just hello then I'm never going to disappoint that person. That's where it's coming I'm not saying it's right but that's where it's coming from. But also I think you could number one I think people wouldn't be too offended. What you could do is get some t-shirts. Tom I was that's exactly where I was going to. I think there should be a color

it should be a color coding system. Yeah because you know they they have that in like in homosexual clubs if you have certain bandanas. They're just clubs actually mate in my eyes. No, but this is... No, but in homosexual bars clubs. Just bars to me. Okay.

But no, just by they very... I mean, I don't know, maybe I have got this wrong as a thing. But they have a bandana scheme, right? A bandana scheme. So you've got to be... I really... I think we'll have to Google it. Okay, so they've got a bandana scheme.

I was told this by someone, a friend. I had like a sort of scarf thing in my pocket, back pocket. Right. There's a style thing. Yeah. Yeah. And they said, oh, that would mean if you were in a certain gut about like gay bar or club. Just a bar to me.

That would mean that you were up for this or that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So you're onto something. Yeah, it's a signaling. Gay clubs and queer spaces historically use a bandana signaling system known as the handkerchief code or flagging. Right.

People took coloured bandanas into their back pockets to nonverpically show specific sexual interest kinks or preferences. Okay. So I had a yellow band-a- So if you've got it tied around your erect cop? Does that signify, leave me alone? I just wanted to get on with stuff quietly. Please don't approach me. The idea of a band-a not being able to see you've got an erect cock.

What does yellow mean? This would be a very difficult system for me because I don't see colour. Oh, God. It was literally near you got suckered into going colourblind I can see why if they found yellow funny Why?

Yellow means that you're into water sports Oh wow So you were right to be wearing out One on the left means that you're the pisser One on the right means you get pissed on I had it in the right Yeah So wow that's quite a complex code

Yeah A yellow hanky in the right pocket Means you want to get pissed on Yeah, man Is that the pissy? Yeah What colour would you most likely wear on? Let's have a look here

I would probably say that I'm a a latex bottom so charcoal in the left no charcoal in the right you wear so much blue yeah uniform fetish yeah that that

you what I mean some of the wording of this you're I'm either a cop or a cop sucker yeah that means you're somebody who sets of cops dead oh does it is that what you think it means in that context Anyway, what I don't want is to suggest to John who walks his black lab that I'm a cop sucker. No. Next thing, next day he's got a policeman's hat on.

Fucking hour. So. Reggie is sitting looking at you going, I don't think you had to do that. Just Reggie looks traumatised. Why is he? Reggie, don't fucking say anything about this to anybody. But I do think of colour coding of how open you are to chat. Yeah. They have that at bars, don't they? Like, um, not as complicated a code as that, but if I'm, you can say single or attached or willing to shout or not, by the colours of clothing you're wearing. Yeah.

But it's half, men's clothing is very like similar. Do you mean? Women wear a lot more colours than men. Yeah. But I think you can do like a little dash. You don't have to do a full. Yeah. You don't have to go top to toe. Yeah, like a sort of orange tie. Sure. Like over a sort of t-shirt. That was a quite. Yeah. I think if you're wearing a tie of a t-shirt, that would say... That would say, I've just arrived from 1985. Yeah, but I've come to see how the future works out. Yeah, but it would also say that I'm pretty wacky and I'm up for a laugh. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range infused with functional benefits.

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The trouble you've got as well is, I think. That I've got. No, yeah, genuinely. I think is that people make an assumption of like, even if you're being funny, one of the things that I find funny is when you're quite curt. Do you what I mean? Yeah. But I don't, I don't, look, I don't want to, I don't.

think I'm being curt. It's just, I'm just being to, you're being yourself. I accidentally am curt. No, but it's, but it's very funny when you do, when you're feeling uneasy

about something at times or like a conversation, it's very funny. But also you have a preconception of how you are with calling someone a prick or, or being very, like sort of,

I don't know, I don't want to say, I don't think you're a grumpy guy. Yeah. I think sometimes your public persona is this. Yeah. Whereas mine is very much a gregarious idiot. Mm.

Like for you, I paid the price for this at the airport going to Portugal. So we arrived at Heathrow. We booked a wheelchair for Catherine to take her into the airport. Wheelchair wasn't there. So she was like, are you running and try and find it? I genuinely spent about half an hour, 40 minutes. Really now stressing because we're getting later and later for the flight.

How do you book a wheelchair for the fly? You had to phone up for the assistance, phone up British Airways. They'd let us down. So then I went to a desk and a woman and it's like, oh no, you have to pick up. There's an exterior wheelchair that you bring. in here, you bring her in on the exterior one, and then we give you the other wheelchair. There's an indoor, outdoor wheelchair? It makes sense.

Yeah, so you have to now go to this assistance desk. I went to our assistants desk and they were like, oh, you need a form from BA. I was like, I just spoke to BA, so they had to go back to BA, so they said they need a form. And then we went, oh, of course you do, that's my, you know, so now have to get the form, anyway, I was so stressed. This sounds, by the way, this sounds dreadful.

It was awful. I'm now getting more stressed. caffeine's texting and gone what's going on. She at the moment, by the way, is, she feels uneasy about not being able to do anything. So she's getting more and more stressed by this and, you know, and stressed by the fact we're now getting later and later towards the flight. Sure, sure. Um, and then, actually I also shout out

we used airport. Have you ever used them? No. Send your baggage in front of you. No, what's that? You can get them to pick up your baggage, put it on the plane for you. Pick up from where? Pick up from your house. They take it from your house the day before. But you wind up? Genius. I'd only use it because I was like, we've got four, three cases and some golf clubs. Right. To take. So I understand that you've got to take your golf cups because

Catherine's incapacitate it. Yeah, so I can get out and she can't do anything about it. She's trapped in the floor. Yeah, she's trapped, which I locked her in the room. Yeah, so you got to. Me and Grace from the Spammer in the pool. She could watch us from the balcony, like real window. So, yeah, so they take care of everything.

So I had the Apple tags. I was geeking out on the Apple tags. I was just watching the bags. I would say, El Porter, shout out. Great, great service. So I'm sprinting around the airport, getting more and more stressed. As I'm then coming out, I've got people sort of saying hello, and everyone's in a jovial mood.

Yeah, you're getting more. I understand, yeah. People going on holiday. Everyone's, you know, and I'm trying to be nice, but I'm getting more and more stress at this point. And then as I'm walking out, as I'm walking towards the exit of Heathrow, I start walking towards this guy and his family and this guy smiles and goes, Tom, Tom, Tom.

I'm like, and I sort of was like really like tense at this point. I'll get more and more like, because I couldn't find this wheelchair. And then I clock it, Zai Bennett, you know, we know Zah, lovely Zai.

And I was like, I had to put on a whole thing of, this happy, go, happy go lucky guy. Yeah. I start literally, it's like I'm playing a part in something.

And blessed size, I went, are you okay? And I went, no, I'm not. And I started, it was like no one had asked me

if I was okay for about two weeks. I just absolutely melted. I just started telling him all my problems. And then he's going, it's okay, mate, the hand. His wife was absolutely lovely. She's like, if you need anything, you know, and I was

like, as I walked away, I thought, what an awful thing I've done? I've just outlaid all my problems. Imagine Zai Bennett's wife going, what the fuck did you do that for? Why did you start talking to that fucking guy? He was walking, he was in a rush and he called him back for what, for us to therapy's him.

I thought so bad. And then, then I internalised that for about two, that. Kathy was like they probably even even thought of it again. I tried to find Zat, Zai, in to apologise and I couldn't find him anyway. Listen, I think the best thing to do at that point is leaving him alone. His kids go, why was that man crying, Dad? I was close to tears.

I can't handle that kind of stuff. You can. You handled it. I was dead. I get to the thing. I'm there with Catherine. Catherine's like, you're okay? And I'm like, yeah, no, I'm fine.

I'm fine. And then these guys come out of this wheelchair. And then the guys almost tip her out of it when we get to the VA desk. because they can't go after a certain port. It was insane. Yeah, it's tricky that. Looking after someone, the whole thing, she can't do anything, bless her.

It's so difficult for her. And I'm like, constantly, I just feel so, yeah, she's basically, is it incapacitated? Yeah. She couldn't even go in the pool the whole time of there. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, and it was awful because me and Grace Joven had such fun in the pool. It felt better. Did you make sure you stayed right in front of her? Well, we had to, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to sort of really rub it in. I mean, what was nice was when the antibiotics, she had to stop

having the antibiotics, she started drinking and she'd become a lot more fun there. I, um... How's your holiday? My holiday was a delight. It was amazing. It looked and sounded amazing. What do you mean? I saw some pictures on someone's phone.

On whose phone? Someone had taken a picture. Well, you took a lovely picture of you and Alex. Yeah. I literally, by the way, went and sat at the same table. Did you? With Grace and Catherine.

At Tony. Shout out, Tony's pizzas in in Quillardelago Jesus Christ Someone came up to me Tony's does not need a shout out Tony's is incredible Anyway gone

Someone came up to me I don't know if they got a selfie of you And they'd taken a picture of you Like when you were sitting somewhere What did this guy look like? What are you laughing? Just the way you said that I've known you for years in years

Right That is the most fucking aggressively like No what did this guy look like I'm trying to think where you know There's two guys that came There was a guy, quite a tall, blondish guy who came over. Okay, it's not. He'd taken a, I think he'd had a selfie of you, I think.

And there was another guy who came up, Indian guy, who'd taken a picture of you. Okay. So the reason I ask who this guy, what this guy looked like. Because it, can I say, one of them was a picture of yourself, the other person had taken a picture of you. You're not, he's not in the picture. You're with your family. Yeah, I think that, okay, that's a bit weird. Did I know the picture's being taken?

No, that's what I mean. that's why I was like he literally came up to me and went oh I saw your mate the other day and I knew obviously who he met straight out I said oh yeah yeah yeah I missed him just yeah and he was like yeah yeah he was just here and he showed me this picture and you're yeah so he'd taken a picture of you what the fuck is going on I said to I said to you know by the way this is weird and he went yeah but I didn't want to interrupt his dinner and I said can I just say in future go up and say can I have a picture or don't but taking a picture of someone eating family with that.

Thanks for thank you for doing the honour of pretending that that's what you said to him. No, I did. I swear. No, I was like genuinely. Somebody came over because now I'm about to say the exact opposite to what you said. Yeah. By the way, I just want to clear this up, it's an honour to have people come and ask for

photos of you. It's incredible. And it's like we're very lucky that people even want to do that. Having said that, I was at a restaurant in Portugal. I'm eating, yeah, mouth full, somebody comes over, says, can I get a photo, right?

Yeah. Can he take it and then gives a phone to Alex? Oh, wow. That's happened before as well. It has happened once before. And I sort of, basically I've got a situation where my children are more socially trained than I am

because Alex immediately took the camera and I'm just going to bring this to a swift end and take the photo. Wow. But that's quite, listen, I have, I do not, blame pretty much don't

blame anyone for their behaviour when they come up to you because I think when you see somebody you recognise, I think it fires off some different new there's an adrenaline thing or whatever. I'm not saying that I induce an adrenaline spike, but what I mean is when you see somebody that you recognize I can tell you by the way the guy who took the picture

of you was still buzzing off taking the picture of you. Well, he's a voyeur. Yeah, no he is. It's a pervy. No, but the most awkward, sorry, to interrupt the most awkward thing of this is I'm queuing outside Tony's for grace to have her face painted, so I'm with a load

of other parents. And as he's showing me the picture, and I say what I say about it, a lot of other people are going, mate, that's really fucking weird. Like genuinely. Yeah, because it's weird. So good. It's really strange. It's a strange thing to do. And he's going, oh yeah, yeah, but I thought it was being polite.

And I was like, no, it's that's not a belief. But, so I sort of don't mind and even if somebody's says even if somebody tries to ban to you in a clumsy way. I sort of think, whatever, man. Do you know what I mean?

It's like you're in a height, whatever. People just say weird things when they meet somebody they recognise. So you kind of forgive anything. And so I also kind of forgive, not forgive, there's nothing to forgive. But I think it was weird that that guy did that, but I get it, right? I'm probably weird because there's selfies now. I know. But what I don't understand is, I just find taking a photo with somebody full stop.

quite weird when you're an adult. Do you mean? Alex will like to, he loves football. So whenever he sees of football, he wants a photo. And I think, well, that's a 14-year-old kid.

Yeah. But, like, if you happen to be at the same place of somebody and you take their photo, I was just sort of thinking, if I saw, like, I don't want to go on about this radio, but if I saw Tieri-on-Rey,

I wouldn't approach him for a photo. I think we said that before. But, like, I find the whole idea of taking photos. Is there anyone that you'd see and go, I'll get a picture of him? No. Sometimes, like,

Maybe John, if I was out and about and I saw John, and I didn't know who's going to be there, I'd get a photo with him. I'd probably get a picture of John if I saw him to send to you. Yeah. And go, oh, look, I've just seen John at the cinema. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'd go, did you really just see him? Or was this a wolf and our thing that I wasn't invited?

Oh, Ben's here as well. Yeah. And then I'd start spinning out. So is JT. We're all here. It's really weird. Everyone's here. When we were on holiday, so Lisa and Charlie.

Charlie had to get back for all of us So they Shout out Charlie Yeah So they came back a day earlier than us It's mad that The holidays used to end with you Having to go back to work and Charlie

Had to go back for work commitments Well we were all going to come back at the same time And then I said to Lisa Well Alex and I don't need to come back So we could stay out for another day Yeah So we stayed out for another day And went out for dinner

Went and played a bit of foot golf Had a great day Just me and Alex Yeah That's incredible Yeah It's like literally It's five minutes from the hotel you're staying at

Oh my God I didn't even know that. Yeah, I don't think Catherine would have loved it. No, no, I mean, I went out and played golf and she wasn't very happy about me going for six hours. No. But when we're at the airport, it was just me, me and Alex, obviously. And the flight got delayed. Always.

So we're sitting there and I'm looking at the board. Even on a private jet? Pardon? Even on a PJ? I told you, Tom. I only got a PJ out there. No. So we're flying back.

And all of the things were all on time except for our flight. And then all of the red boxes were coming up for like board now or closing. And I've just like looked from a distance and it's gone boarding, right? So I've gone, right, Alex, let's go to the flight. And then this is closing. And I'm like, okay, they've obviously delayed the flight and now they're ready to go. And I don't know why they've done this. But it's gone from like delayed to like all hands on deck.

All hands on deck. So Alex starts panicking, right? Oh, bless him. So he goes, are we going to miss the first. flight and he goes this is bad and then just for a joke I went it's not great but I was only joking right but he wasn't panicking in that session and then we run we run up the escalators we get to the gate she goes is it just you two and I go yeah and like everybody's going through and then I show the boarding pass and she says this is the wrong

flight and Alex looked at me and look I saw something dying is like a bit of respect for me yeah yeah I don't think it's going to take a while for me to to get that back but he looks because he's he's with his dad and your dad's supposed to be like an infat he I'm looking after him yeah and I've fucked up I've made us I say he's had an amazing 24 hours

Tony's pizza I'm guaranteed lovely pizza probably some sides yeah yeah Tony does incredible sides yeah right you then have foot golf great way to spend some time just a two of you had a nice drink at a cafe who who won foot golf he was a humiliation actually

really he's a good football though right yeah yeah did you Anything? I made the mistake of wearing slides. What? Well, you want sliders to football? Yeah.

What are you thinking? I didn't think. Did he take football boots? He didn't take football boots. Okay. I know you, you'd have shinners on. Full football. He just had trainers on.

Okay. What trainers did he wear? I don't know. Okay. Some pair of Nikes or something. Okay. What you've got on now would be great for football. Yeah, but I wasn't wearing those.

I was wearing sliders. Did you have to take slides off? I thought about it, but it's quite dusty that foot golf area. Yeah, yeah. I'd have done it to be competitive. Yeah. But what it was, it gave me a handy excuse. Yeah.

Yeah, but can I just ask roughly, how many did he beat you by? Not loads, but there's a couple of... Did you get the ball off the air in the air with sliders? That's amicable. That's good. Admirable? Yeah, it was amicable. what I love

is whenever this happens I just think of all the times I've used that word wrong in a fucking sentence to someone I don't really know I do that I do that I've done that I've discovered a few words where you get so used to using them

a certain context and actually sometimes when you use them in the right context people just or the context you think they should be people don't pick you up but sooner someone went sorry

yeah would you because yeah because I've been saying amicable in a whole different... I know, but I think I'm coming across as... I'm coming across as a bit of a prick there. No, no, no, no.

Actually, am I doing it to be helpful? I've got a question of my motive, said. Yeah, but... Am I actually doing it to be helpful? No, you're doing it as a prick. I don't think you're doing it. You're doing it for a laugh. But I will say that, me and you quite a lot of the time,

if I'm getting interviewed about a really, really, really sensitive subjects on a one show, and I use amicable wrong. Just the way that they stood up to the fascist, was incredibly amicable. Thank you. Yeah, exactly, Tom. Exactly what we thought.

The bravery he showed in the face of the attacker was amicable. Well, yes, it was. Anyway, from that, we're going to go on to Barney. Everyone's favourite dinosaur is doing a new one-man show. Anyway, I love the one show for that.

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Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on espresso.com. So what was the score? I can't remember, but he beat me. Yeah, okay. He beat me by quite a bit. But we had a great time, and then we're at the airport,

and then I show him that I'm not a good caregiver. Yeah, but did you buy him something after? Did you go for food after? No. Yeah, we went for food after. Did you have? You're a Burger King. He, I, we both had Burger King, actually.

Yeah. That Bird King, on your way home, Burger King, is like a signing off for the holiday, I think. It's a beautiful thing. I think that's the last treat before you go back to an air of normality. I think like all foreign fast food dealers. Oh, sorry, God.

Tastes so much better and different. Do you think so? Yeah. For all foreign food tastes so much different and better. No, no, no. Like McDonald's, Burger King, KFC. Can I just say that I think the difference between an airport Burger King

and a services Burger King, even if she's services Burger King in Portugal, France, Germany. is far better than an English one. Do you really think so? Yeah. Why? I'd die on that hill.

Just the care that's given to it and the taste of it. Yeah. I'd say that I've had a Burger King in Portugal, outstanding at a shopping centre. Went to a shopping centre when I've been back here. I had a Bird King. It was embarrassing. I sometimes just want to go out and go, come on, guys.

You really can't handle not be in their voice anymore, can it? Yeah. It hurts me. Do you think that, so I think getting a Burger King at an airport in Portugal is fine. Yeah. You're having a Burger King when you're out and about in Portugal, then. Well, we went to the shopping Sunday here. Okay, fine.

All right. You wouldn't roll the dice in the food court in Portugal. Do you know what? I had mine a little Mexican spot, but it was at the queue. We went on a bank holiday in Portugal. It was rammed. Okay. Yeah.

Fiesta Banguia. Is it what it's called? No. I've got no idea. That's quite a nice thing. Catherine in a wheelchair. Right. And Grace being absolutely mad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you decided to go for a quick thing. Yeah, yeah, I was meant to be quick. Yeah. But then Catherine wanted, Catherine won't eat McDonald's or Burger King. Yeah. I don't want to make this a Burger King episode.

Yeah. I think they also do this in McDonald's. Customising shit, man. Yeah. So sick. Yeah, McDonald's do it, but Berking were the people who brought it to the fore. It's so many.

such a difference. Bergkin, great. McDonald's... If they don't give us a fucking sponsorship after this. McDonald's then pushed me through to go... I wanted to do the touchscreen thing because I don't speak Portuguese, right?

So, and then put... I've got to get Grace's happy meal and stuff. Sure. And they said, oh, they saw I was with Grace. They said, oh, no, you go in order. I said, no, I'm not at a touchscreen. And they said, no, no, no, go, go. You know when you just realise

it's bordering on offensive, how little I can actually... I don't speak. I'm trying to say chicken strips. Right. In Portuguese. Sure. What did you say?

El Poulet strips. El Poulet strips. Yeah. Poulet. Poulet. What is it in Portuguese? Let's see how close you got. Tiraste de frango.

That sounds so cool as well, don't it. I should have just looked on my phone, but I was so stressed. You should have done? I don't handle stress. I'm pretty sure you can do like in the moment translation, can't you? You cannot, but I was so stressed. I was just, yeah. So you said El Perno.

And then I start describing them. Did they get it from Puleau strips? No. I didn't start to describe them. I pointed it some chicken nuggets. And I went this, but longer. And she was like, yeah, like this. And I was like, no, like longer.

And then she was just like, had no idea what I meant. She said, I think this guy needs a shit. And I said, just, and I just pointed it, a rap. I said, just give her one of them. So she got a wrap? So you didn't end up getting the chicken strips? No, because I just couldn't. But if I gone, they got pictures.

Well, she took the strip out of the wrap and ate it. Right. Okay, so it worked all right. Yeah, I mean, but she would have preferred three instead of one. Oh, I see. But Bird King, yeah, I went there to have the touchscreen. It was a beautiful experience. The customization is great.

I mean, touchscreen is an awful thing, isn't it? Yeah, it is. In a world in which we're trying to touch fewer things. Yeah, but do you take wipes with you everywhere? I take Lisa with me everywhere, and she has wipes. What? She licks your, oh, I was going to say, what? She licks my what?

Licks your fingers. Oh, right, yeah. I've just done the touchscreen, Lace, if you will. Good, Lisa. How do you know what I say that to? Good, girl. Clever girl. Daddy's fingers are dirty.

Lisa, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news of food is going to take a little bit longer than we thought. The good news is I used the touchscreen. driving them on Alex's shirt afterwards. It's great being on holiday, although Lisa was really sad to come back. Yeah. How long did she get?

Four days, five days. Five days. Are you having another holiday, a longer one? Not this summer, no. The summer's done. Charlie's schedule is... Relentless. When's he in Oliver Till?

February. That's a long contract. Was that two years? Well, you got extended. No, just over a year. 18 months, I think. He's doing well then. I guess so, yeah.

I don't know. I think part of it is how quickly they grow up. If he'd have got taller, he'd be out. Yeah, I'd have been done, wouldn't I? Yeah, they wouldn't have let you? No, no, no, because I was at that age. Yeah. Yeah, you could have played Fagan at nine.

Arguably, Fagan's less noncy at nine. Yeah. Because Fagin's pretty much. Pretty much what? He's got an air to him, really? What air? What a creepy. If you...

Yeah, there's a... Look, let's not be it around the bush. There's school of thought that Fagan. Isn't one of the old actors that paid him being sort of alleged to be a bit of a wronging? Listen, I'm not going to speculate on who might have been a wrongan. This is mad. Right, but I always thought Fagan, he lives in a house for a load of kids. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not denying that all of that is... He's quite creepy. ...tricky to happen in 2026. The only thing that is his friendship with Nancy, and I think, although Bill is a wrongan, Nancy's a pretty decent human being. Sure. I like Nancy. Yeah.

Oh. What? I think Nancy's great. It's got the best song as well. Yeah. Oh my God. As long as he needs me. That one.

Yeah. Yeah. God, that was so sweet watching you do that. Been having singing lessons. Yeah, your voice has improved. It's really amicable. Would you ever be in a musical? Yeah, I mean, if it was the right thing.

What part would you play? Were there any parts that you've watched that you thought I could be that guy? Well, Bill Sykes would be one I'd love. Yeah, he'd be a great Bill Sykes. Bill Sikes would be fun. I was actually asked earlier this year to do, they were trying to do, is it, what's the one where, what's the, it's, the woman is being taught how to be,

she's from a lower class and they're trying to teach her to be, um, posh and speak well and stuff. I can't remember, I don't know, is it a lie that, is it my fair lady? Is it my fair lady? Is it my fair lady? What they were doing is they were basically doing a flip on that. And instead of a male being like that

and then a woman teaching him to be. Right. And they came to me to see if I'd want to be in it. And what happened? I just had other stuff going on. Sure. You've got this to do, aren't you? My fair lady.

Yeah. So it would have been my fair guy? I think it was something like that. My fair man? Yeah. My fair gentleman. My thing was I wouldn't have been confident of singing. Right.

But they would have trained you to do that. Yeah. But, yeah. I don't know. I just think. if I'm going to be really honest. Please. When you were doing theatre.

I'd assume this whole time that you were being honest. Yeah, but when you were doing theatre and what I witnessed was the work up towards it when you put so much in, how brilliant it was, the opening night. And then this high and then the realisation you're doing it for four months after. And the contract was like for a year, I think. They were asking for a year. A year. No, you can't do that. And then you're going, no, okay.

You can't do that. You can't do that. Yeah. you can't do that no but later down yeah I could see you do like a little

do you know what I mean being in laymise yeah laymise would be like the pub the pub landlord guy in laymish would be fun but that's a hard song to do actually you know the Russell Crow

but Russell Crow is singing I mean we're going back the hymn is singing in laymise is insane is it what good no right

it's like he's up against Hugh Jackman who I think's one of the greats I think in everything Hugh Jackman does I'd love to just be a personal assistant for a month to Hugh Chapman, like just to be around him.

Right. I adore Hugh Chapman and everything he stands for, right? What does he stand for? Just give me the top bullet points of what Hugh Chapman stands for. Like no musicals and just being nice. He stands for musicals and being nice. Yeah, I just think he's a good, good egg, old Hugh. Yeah.

Right. But in Russell Crow, who I love, but Russell Crow is singing is kind of, it's almost like, yeah, there's just no tone to it. Yeah, and you're worried that would be a. Yeah. that that would be the takeaway. It's just got to be good enough not to bump people, right?

Yeah. Because there's some parts that, like, so Nancy and Oliver, that's meant to be, holy shit, that's an amazing. But other songs, it's just like, it's a character song, right? Yeah, but Fagan's got a lot of emotive,

parts behind him. I think I better think it out again. Yeah. A man's got a heart, isn't he? That, yeah. You really, I can't believe how well you know it. Yeah.

I love all of it. Yeah. Would you do musical theatre, Rob? No. You wouldn't do it? No. You would be sick. I would say, I can't sing.

You were brilliant in theatre. Yeah, thank you. That's very kind of. Yeah, instinctively. That was a horrible thing to find out of way yourself. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I read the reviews, and I was in my body every night when I got a stand in ovation. Thank you.

I couldn't do musical theatre. Why not? I just can't. Can't sing. You can sing. I can't. If Lisa woke up one morning, she would. you have to do a musical

or I'm taking the boys and the dogs and I'm going to hide somewhere and you? I would, I guess the first thing I would do is I would download Raya and I'll start to see what's out there. You fantasised about that, haven't you?

No. Have you been on Raya before? No, I've not even, I don't even know what it looks like. No. I don't. I've got to say the one thing that I'm sad about

it's not the one thing I'm sad about sad about a lot of things but one of the things that I'm sad about with regards to my relationship is that I was post the app you know I got hooked up

post app I don't think you should be sad about that no but it would be fun to have a go wouldn't it do you know I think it'd be fun to have a go I might just go on there

can you go on there and go I'm just doing this to see I don't think that's the I don't think that's the worst I'm phrasing fucking hell someone gets exciting on a date with what I was

rang and I'm just going to see what's about she what fluff's out there well just keep Lisa her on her toe I'm just, I'm just going to see what's available, Lisa. I've had two people use my profile and my picture as their picture. Really? Yeah, which I felt.

Have they said they're you? I'm not sure. I've been messaged and one from someone I know saying this person in the Guilford area is using your picture. And another one where it was just a random person on Instagram was going, look, I'm guessing that this isn't you, but this person is asking to meet me. And they're saying they're Tom Davis? I don't know if they were saying they were just using my picture. Right.

Which I find that's a mad thing if you turn up. That's just a really weird catfish, isn't it? Because at some point you're going to meet and you're going to go out. Yeah, I know. But I think, because some people, I've seen, there's a show catfish, isn't there? It's great. I saw a bit of it. I was addicted.

Where some of the guys think that they'll use a different picture, and then when they meet up and look different, they'll have got to like them so much that will become irrelevant, right? Yeah. Have you not watched the catfish the original movie? No. That's incredible. That's a bit like, you know, when you watch Love is Blind,

which I do religiously. When you watch Love is Blind. What's that? You're doing. You're not, how awkward you feel about it. I'm going to start doing little John Krasinski office bits to... But when you watch Love is Blind, they all pretend that they're not into looks.

And then they have that horrible... Yeah, but I don't think you'd look at my profile and go out at someone. That's based on. looks. I don't think that's why you're using my picture. Because you could use any picture, couldn't you? Yeah, so, right, you, you run it past Lisa.

Mm, right? Let's say, I'm Lisa, you're you. Okay. It's breakfast or, when would you have this conversation about you? When would I have the conversation about me going on to a dating up? Yeah, exactly right, yeah. Probably morning, yeah. Okay. Yeah, okay. Morning babe, you're right.

Yeah, hi Lisa, you're right. Oh, I'm so tired. Went out for a run and did some platoes. That's me, I guess. Yeah, well, yeah, good. Oh, by the way, you were snoring last night. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Do I snore?

Yeah, a little bit. Alex, your dad said, did he snore? Yeah, you snore. Why have you already given yourself an extra character? Sorry. Yeah, you snore, dad. Okay, sorry. Sorry guys for snoring.

Sorry, sorry. So was it annoying? We've got this big house, but you wake everyone up. I work everyone in the house up? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. I nudged you a couple of times and you work out.

I also noticed she didn't have an erection this morning. So I think you should have your testosterone note at. I need to have a little bit of a chat with you. Why are you giggling so much, Lisa? You've just told me that you think I've got low testosterone and it sort of sent you off on a No, but that's the condition thing, isn't it? Yeah, I'm sorry. It's weird that you find that funny.

About my low testosterone? No, no, no, no, no. I have something Alex said before you came to the room. What did he say? Well, I said, I noticed this morning. You're not. I didn't have an erection. Why would you talk to Alex about my erection?

Well, it's just what needed to talk to someone, and none of the women at Pilates had any kind of answers for me. So you'd already talk to the women at Pilates about it? Yeah. And you'd talk to our son about it. Yes. Well, this makes what I'm about it. to say a little bit easier actually

because you know look obviously I love you very much I love you too oh by the way I brought you a present a new scarf a new scarf yes it's blue you can wear it out oh is this to suggest to indicate

to the dog wall because I'm a cop sucker I don't know what you're talking about sorry what were you saying well I just thought it would be fun to I don't I just don't be a fun thing I was talking about it with Tom

Are you talking about Centre Parks again? No Okay I was talking to Tom I've lost Lisa's voice a bit there Are you talking about Centre Parks?

The implication there is that you'd had Lisa's voice At any point I just wanted to Tom and I were chatting about a dating out Oh Tom He's such a sweet guy

Really? So kind But you For the last couple of weeks you've been saying why do you insist on still doing that podcast with him? He's so, so sweet and he's always got your best interests at heart. You said he was a leech the other day. I said he reminded me of your old friend.

You said he's a horrible leech that forces you to do this podcast even though it's going nowhere. Yeah, but you know what? Then I started thinking about it. I started thinking how happy you always see. Do you remember when you looked on his Instagram and you said he's such a thirsty yeah but the thing about you know what when I've had a couple of drinks what I can be like

I say things that I don't always mean I feel like that you meant that it's like the other week when we were out and I was like What about the other day when you said to me Are you certain he's never had a head injury Yeah but it's like the other week When I came out and I said you look really

Really nice and that So you were drunk Bright yellow T-shirt You know I didn't necessarily mean it But it made you feel good about yourself Mm hmm Sometimes I'm mean about Tom to make you feel better.

The reason I was wearing that t-shirt is for reasons that I don't really want to talk to you about right now. Okay, so I insist to go into that bar. Yeah. Even though it wasn't raining, you came home drenched. Correct. Okay. Anyway, Tom and I were talking about dating apps, and I thought it would be,

it's like not a serious thing, but I thought it would be fun to just download it and just have a mess around them. Well, the one that sort of, like people in sort of our industry guys, onto his rayer. What's that all about? What is that? Like the singer? That's Ray. Okay. But yes, like the singer if you put an A on the end, yeah.

So what you're gonna, you want to go on a dating app? Well, I don't want, yeah, I do want to. So what's your, what, what's, what are you thinking? What's the end? There's no end thing, or just it'd be funny to see how it goes down. Are you just going to have sex with random people? Um, I'm not going to have sex with random people, no. I'm not going to have sex with anybody. So what, you're just leading people up the garden path? Well, no, I'm not

going to say, I'm not going to do that either. I'm just going to, you know. So, oh, this is all about your ego. You want to feel attractive. Well, I hadn't thought about it like that, but now you say that, I've got to say, yeah, that's probably that's part of it. What would you feel like if I went, oh, I'm on Tinder and I put pictures of me and, like, sexy clothing on there

and loads of people like them? I'd love that for you. Well, I'm going to do that. Okay. And, you know, the mechanic who does that car? Yeah. He's on there. What, in what world, Lisa,

you're under the impression that we have a regular mechanic that does our car? Well, you know, Ian does the car? Ian, yeah. Yeah. He plays golf on Tuesdays.

Right. Yeah, he's got the go-to. Ian with the go-to? Yeah. Who's the mechanic that plays golf on Tuesdays? Yeah, what about him? He, well, he's always

smarter when I'm around. So I was just say, I'll put, yeah, I'll put myself on Tinder and see who gets. Here's a little fun fact for you about Ian, I bumped into him while wearing a yellow t-shirt. To be fair, I actually think you handled that pretty well.

Thanks, mate. I mean, I'm not actually going to do it, but... No, but you... Yeah, that was good. Thanks. Yeah. Can I say in these role plays, I've noticed you've become a lot more assertive. Have I? Yeah. I think you've become more like... You used to be a bit nervous around them. But you feel like there's... I feel there's another level of confidence,

which is nice, guys. Thank you. Hopefully that feels like you're taking that home. Thanks for that development, though. I appreciate that. Yeah. Tom? Yes. It's about that time. How do you think this episode went?

I actually think my energy was quite low at the time. I feel I was quite quiet. Do you feel so? Yeah. Do you feel so? Yeah. What happened to me there? Do you feel so?

Do you feel to me? Right. But yeah. How do you feel it went? I thought it was good. I thought it was good. You enjoyed it? Yeah, fun.

I feel that the pressure is on now. What do you mean? For this closer? Yeah. Do you want to do like, you know like Harry Mac? Yeah. Where, you know Harry Mac? No.

Okay, so why did you say, yeah? I'm trying to seem intelligent. Okay, so Harry Mac is like probably the greatest freestyle rapper. Okay. Around at the moment. And he does these videos where just anybody throws stuff out. Oh my God, can I just say, there's a guy who's doing, we talked about him before. He was in married at first sight.

He's the guy I showed you. He's doing it. John, right? I can't remember his name. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah. He's been doing this thing where he does these... People give him three words.

And he's got to make a rap. Yeah. So the rap's never rhyme. They're never in tune. What's his name? Dean. Dean. Dean.

Okay. So, yeah. Yeah. So, anyway, so Dean from married at first life. So Dean and Harry Mac are doing the same thing in principle, but Harry Mac's actually amazing at it. Yeah. And Dean isn't.

No. Dean's very, very sweet. He's got a very good spirit. I'll give him that. He can't rap. He's an awful rapper. His needs to stop. Dean, please stop.

It's like genuinely. No, Dean, do what you're... I'm only joking. Do what you want. Do what you want. Like, can I just say, like, go away. Like, the idea of, like, Harry Maco, I don't know, is so difficult. Like a band-a-man, right?

He's brilliant. You see it and someone will give him something to rap about or give him a subject or whatever. And he could do that. Like, he literally stands there and goes, give me three things. I'm going to make a wrap-up about it. And it's like, I don't know. like doors, toilet rolls and

cheese and he'll go oh, okay. I walk through a door, I need a toilet roll, I've just eaten some cheese. This is what a complex rap. Give me a beat and the person gives it a beat and it sounds the same every time.

Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah, it's, yeah. Anyhow. Anyway, the reason I raise Harry Matt who I'm going to watch on the way home is I thought we could give you, I could give you three L. that you could fold into your clothes. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. So, um, the first thing is a red squirrel. Okay. Okay. Okay. The second thing is a pottery class. Okay.

Okay. And the third thing is a chicken gel phrasing. Okay. So I've got to get those three things. I would just want some element of that into the story. Okay. Of those three. Good luck. Harlem Thompson was a lonely.

man so lonely that he would try in any way he could to make friends tried different clubs and classes he took up surfing one week another he started karate one time he even started pottery glasses

it's hard to chat to people at potry class as you're folding in the clay and try and make a pot alas even a statuette other people are so consumed every time he started a good conversation people would go not now I'm doing something. He felt sad.

And one day when he was walking home from his newest club, he joined a skateboarding club. He was walking because he'd fallen off his skateboard and some bigger kids had taken it even though he was an adult. He was strolling home consumed by his thoughts and his loneliness.

And the little voice said, Where are you going, fellow? He looked up and there was a little red squirrel sitting in the tree. Arlen went, what? talking squirrel. He said, I don't really talk, but sometimes people, when they're so lonely, imagine

stuff. How are you doing, Harlem? And Harlem was like, yeah, I'm just feeling like shit at the moment. I just be mugged from some big kids who took my skateboard. And the red squirrel was like, do you ever think, Harlem, did you ask for too much? And he was like, what do you mean? It's like,

you expect so much from people, but you give them nothing back. Harlem said, I don't know what you mean. He's like, Come with me. And the squirrel took Harlem, a little bit like the ghosts in Scrooge, or the Christmas Carol, whichever version you've seen, to different parts of town.

They look into a weather spoons and see people laughing and joking, being together, or they go past a Indian restaurant and see some people staring at a chicken jar phrasing. Harlem stared in at the window, his breath and his nose just making a sort of, I don't know, a steed-in-law. The end of the evening, Harlem was like, I don't know what any of this means,

and a red squirrel turned around and was like, don't you get it? And he's like, no, and he's like, friendship takes time. And people have got to come together. You're not going to meet them at clubs. The friends that you need are just there in front of you. And Harlem thought,

maybe that's true. The next day at work, Harlem went in and asked Maggie by the coffee machine what she watched the night before. They laughed and joked. They both watched Love Island. A bit later that day, he talked to Tim, who cleared the bins where he was a cleaner there, and said, what's been going on, Tim?

Turned out Tim was also a Chelsea fan, so was Harlem. That Saturday he went to footwear, Tim. That Sunday he had a roast dinner at Maggie's. The people that Harlem had been looking for have been right under his nose all the time. Sometimes in life we go looking for things. We go looking for things in the strangers of places, but the things that we need are just there, the things that we need to quell our appetite, like a good.

Chicken Jelfraezy. Sometimes the wise people in the world, aren't people at all. They're a red squirrel just showing you some people sharing a chicken jow phrasing and happiness to say, yo, what you need is already on your plate. Really lovely. Thank you. I'd much rather do it like that from now. Would you?

All right. Well, thank you. I'll tell you what from now on. This will make my life so much easier. Do that every time. Or other people just send in three words. And I'll make the stories up there. All right.

Great. Wolfelpod at gmail.com. We will see you for the email special of the Wolf and Ow. If you would like to send something in, what's the email address, Tom? Wolfowopod at Gmail.com. Correct. Remember to like to subscribe. We'll see you next time.

Peace. I love you.