Wolf and Owl - Ep 65: Show Openers & Oscars Shockers

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

We’re talking…. how to open the show, patience with risotto, the much-neglected pearl barley, complaining in restaurants, eating interventions, the Owl’s birthday, working a room, being anxious in crowds and that Oscars shocker. And a massive thank you to all those who came out to the live shows last week - we had a blast! For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

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Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Yum. Yeah, what you want? Be jaws feathers or fur sharp teeth or feet with claws whatever's preferred they'll grant you all last requests to steady your nerves then podcast the body parts get severed and served bring your weak shit where the wolf and owler that ain't just a mistake that's an awful howler both of them are known to pull up at your shows have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows fuck the censorship let them see the whole thing they Welcome The deaf bringing his head spinning Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a country and western singer. Do you know what, Tom? Yeah? What are we? 30 seconds

in, you've come up with a brilliant idea. Could you please write in suggestions for how I can introduce this podcast? What I would love is if you didn't suggest accents that would get me cancelled. Would be great. Which would be the best accent you could do it in? Like a sort of... Well, I haven't't got many accents i'm not quite as gifted as you i'd like

to see you like do some sort of ditty um yeah well we've got a theme tune are you saying on top of that you'd follow up the theme tune to the podcast with another song with like a little no little ditty like hello there i'm rummage they call me the gorgeous owl with me's a ferocious wolf Whose actual name is Tom Okay, so you don't want it to rhyme at all, no? It doesn't have to rhyme. Ditties don't always rhyme them. Do they not?

No. I found that quite frustrating. What, that song? No, I liked the song, and I liked your voice, and I liked the delivery, and I liked everything about it. It's just that when you set up that something's going to rhyme, and then it doesn't rhyme, I find that a bit.

In country and Western music, I, which I am quite a big, I quite like, I quite enjoy. Favourite artists? Willie Nelson, probably.

I love Willie Nelson. Since Willie Nelson's voice just starts, I just sort of feel that I'm laying next to him in a sort of forest and sort of like, he's got his guitar and I'm just sort of laying down looking at sort of up at the trees and the starry sky and he's just It's weird when I hear music that I like

I just sort of enjoy it I don't imagine I'm in Brokeback Mountain with the artist Yeah look any western he's just sort of like we've made camp he's gone well I know you just sit on down there, Tom? I'm going to sing you a song.

And I'm like, thanks, Willie. And I've probably made dinner and stuff, like some, like, I don't know, kind of steaks. But if you're with us, I've sort of probably just done you some sort of, I don't know. Is it that difficult for you to think of a vegetable? Like a butternut squash risotto or something. Yeah.

Well, how do you think Willie Nelson would feel if we're out sort of living that life? I mean, you set up the fire to fucking knock up a butternut squash risotto. Have you ever made a risotto on an open fire? I have. Not on an open fire, no. But I've made many a risotto, yeah.

A risotto on a... There's have not on an open fire no but i've made many a risotto risotto on a there's something very very rewarding about doing on it in a either like a sort of barbecue pan or uh yeah it's uh here's my thing with risotto and uh i'm not going on risotto i'm not going in on risotto it risotto is great really like it what i would say is that i have to really be in the mood to make it to make it because it takes a long time and it and when i say it takes a long time what i mean is you have to be at the pan the entire yeah yeah yeah if you walk away from that pan you might as well just fucking cool dominoes yeah yeah as you walk away it is i think it's the closest you can come to being actually in the pan yourself based on what

well just i don't know because you have it doesn't even do you know what it doesn't even deserve a follow-up question no you've just you know okay right you know when you watch like f1 drivers and stuff right and someone who's so akin so akin to like the situation they're in right like they're so akin to the situation like Lewis Hamilton becomes one with the car right does he what are you basing that on

just have you ever seen him drive yeah I mean why does Lewis Hamilton become one with the car all of them all of them

become one with the car anyone like you know it's like you know Tiger Woods the golf club just becomes an extension

of his arm okay David Beckham comes at one with his boots and with the ball and it's just like... Okay, yeah, okay, I get where you're going. I don't need any more examples. All right, go. All right. When it comes to a risotto, you become one with the pan and the spoon

or the spatula, whatever you're cooking with. Spatula, probably. I imagine. Yeah. Spoon's quite... Okay. Yeah. I think you could have got to that final sentence

without all the examples, actually. No, but... But my problem with it is that when you're adding the stock or whatever and then throwing in a bit of white wine or whatever you do it, it's still not guaranteed that it's going to taste great. Mate.

Do you know what I mean? It's a bit of a lottery when I make it. I think herbs are essential. Seasoning is absolutely essential. You know what I mean it's a bit of a lottery when I make I think herbs are essential seasoning is absolutely essential yeah no do you know what I'm not seasoning

or putting any flavours in that's the mistake I'm making you're right you're right what a fucking idiot what a fucking idiot what you're doing is making porridge

yeah I put some oats and some almond milk and then have you ever made savoury porridge no but I tell you what I have done is,

um, I was, I was on Tik TOK and some chef was saying, even if you're making sweet porridge, make sure you add quite a generous amount of sultry in the cooking. Yeah. And it's just, it's a,

that is a game changer. All day long. All day long. It is such a game changer. I, you know who I think is really disrespected amongst the world of sort of like oats and um pulses and stuff pearl barley okay oats and pulses i wouldn't put together that's the first thing no but you know do you know who i think is really

disrespected in the world of like pies and curries. No, but in my kitchen, in my cupboards, the oats and they reside with all the rice. Yeah, I know. You often say to Catherine, what did you fancy for breakfast this morning? I'll go, do you have porridge or a taco doll? No, but I do think pearl barley. Sometimes I just look at like a little bag of pearl barley and think fucking hell right you've had it tough well how do you mean well like everyone's everyone

knows about rice and oats and lentils but not everyone knows about pearl barley it does a great job man it really is it's a real when do you use when are you using pearl barley you know what I like to do is I like to get some Mediterranean vegetables. Yeah. I dice them up nice. A little glaze of olive oil, a little bit of oregano maybe on them, a little salt, a little pepper. I put them in to roast, right?

Okay. You don't want these to burn. You need to keep a real eye on them, okay? Then I go to the pans. I put out the pearl barley. I look at it and say now it's your turn right i then put that on to uh boil in a little bit of stock making sure it's soft and it's gorgeous right i then add the pearl barley to the pan with the mixed vegetables i give a

little stir and uh yeah maybe throw in a little lubber butter just to sort of give it that real glazy feel that sort of like coating that makes you just go, oof, it's winter and I don't care. Yeah. It's actually a very simple dish that you've kind of elongated the preparation of, isn't it? No, but that's how I was. I thought watching you fucking take 10 minutes to describe how you make beans on toast. You take a little bit of central bread,

slap it on its arse, stick it on the toaster. What you want to do, you want to stick the toaster on free. You don't want to overdo that bad boy. Then you get yourself the baked beans. Rotate the tin in your hand. They must be Heinz.

Let me tell you that story about my dad. Give the tin a little tap three times on the top just to let the beans know you're there and then you pull back on that ring pull and you say hello babies

it's time for you to step into action sorry did you ever I remember going for a meal with my dad once in the family

yeah and uh when the waitress came to get the order she said um what you're after sir and he said uh oh it's a soup Heinz

and she said no and he said no don't worry about it then oh my god have I told you about my dad being convinced that Indian restaurants

treat white people better no my dad had this theory when we were kids that Indian restaurants just didn't bother to to treat asian customers the same way that they treated white customers right but which is i i think there may have been some evidence to support his theory i mean he must have based it on his

experiences of going into indian restaurants but what it meant was he'd go into every indian restaurant with a chip on his shoulder i love love this. This is genuinely one of my favourite things. So we were... Weirdly, just quickly, just to jump in, my dad says it's about pubs that you become regulars in. Oh, really? What, that you don't get treated as well as... No, no, no.

You get... Once you become a regular in a pub, they couldn't give a fuck about you. They know they've got you. You're done. Yeah. So this is the time, remember, this is the time when, back in the 80s or whatever nobody nobody was so famous as they are now so in that time you know no people run basically i'm explaining my dad was asking about

a biryani even though now everybody knows that a biryani is but anyway went to the restaurant and my dad said to the guy does the biryani we're about to sit we're sat down ordering and my dad was pretty relaxed guy right do you know what i mean yeah this is what shocked me so much he said uh can i just ask is the biryani come with rice and the guy goes yeah it comes with rice you know and then my dad went no i don't i don't know if i knew i wouldn't have asked you the question was does the biryani come with rice don't tell me I know if I it was just like really fucking went into one

oh wow and then the waiter just went really quiet and I find it I don't know I used to if my parents used to complain about shit

I'd find it so embarrassing yeah yeah it was like it basically it basically ruined the meal isn't it like such a weird thing like of your parents complaining?

It's just such, like, even my mum still talks about this moment, like, with absolute pride. Like, when we went on family holiday, right, with all my cousins and stuff, and we went down to, I think it was, like, fucking Devon or Cornwall. Yeah. And my parents and, like like my uncle and auntie and some friends of the family

all invested in a really shitty old hospital minibus, right? So it was cheaper to travel in that rather than free cars. Oh my God, really? Yeah, yeah. And they sort of set it up like we were getting on a plane. But it had wiped down seats and like bent seats it was like so they did it was this horrible old like genuinely all of us used to get in it all the kids and you'd all duck down until you're sort of 20 30 miles away from home just so no one saw you in it

um now i look back and look back in it's a lovely lovely thing yeah yeah but um we all went for these fish and chips right and we didn't have much like money at the time so it was like things like going for a fish and chip supper like as a like eating out basically at that time was like a big deal like everyone oh yeah and we all basically went into a fish and chip shop and uh my uh basically we all grabbed our fish and chips re eating it we covered it in salt vinegar right and then one of my cousins notices that there's flies in the in the vinegar

like loads of dead flies oh my god and she she's like one of my favourite people in the world right but she is like she's like

if she could create a scene out of anything she'll fucking make it you know she's more dramatic than me in these situations like we'd vie for you know but she imagined but she literally started screaming right screaming yeah right pointing at the vinegar like all the parents are like you know

we're like oh my god like dead flies you know and my mum sort of stepped into action right my mum's like this is disgusting don't eat it don't eat it how sad is this me and my sister were so excited to be at an actual fish and chip shop and didn't think that we'd get any other food for the rest of my eating out we were wolfing down the chips with dead flies and my mom was like it's one of the most heartbreaking scenes i've ever seen it's everyone else in the restaurant is just like going oh god there's flies in the video oh and the people

are going oh my god we haven't seen her I'm so sorry and you've got two fucking kids just wolfing it down going don't take our gyms away

I had a I had a a really embarrassing experience this is about me being a fat kid again but um we went to an Indian restaurant with

some my mum and dad used to be like friends with lots of different Sri Lankan families and we'd we'd often be like going and like going social like like go to their house they'd come back to us every weekend my mum and dad were visiting somebody or having someone over right I love that so um this one particular night we went out to a Chinese restaurant near where this family lived in Purley. And, you know, I was quite self-conscious about my weight as I was for every day of my life and continue to be so. And I basically was pulling my chair in

and the waitress was sort of helping with my chair. And I accidentally like shifted the chair onto her foot, the foot of the chair, and her face crumpled up in agony. And then she started crying. Oh my God. I know the Chinese restaurant you mean in Purley as well. Yeah, with the waitress with the limp.

With the broken foot. yeah with the waitress with the limb yeah it was just um it was just so embarrassing to be self-conscious about being overweight and then making a waitress cry with the weight of your body what did everyone do well everybody tried to sort of style it out and kind of move on but the fact of the matter is is that the fattest kid at the table had managed to injure the waitress within seconds of arriving. Man, it's so... She was properly... He was properly crying. It's so fucking... Just really, you talk about Chinese restaurants.

My dad's best friend was a guy called William, and he was like a Chinese guy. And he had Chinese restaurants and fish and chip shops all around our area. But he was like a Chinese guy. And he had a Chinese restaurant, some fish and chip shops all around, like sort of our area. But we were like similar thing. Was he rich? He was pretty well off.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he, my dad used to do his car and my dad got on really well with him. He was one of those people. He was rich,

but you wouldn't know, you wouldn't know he was rich. Right. Yeah. Right. But, um, they,

they were like really close friends of ours and still are, you know, growing up. And, uh, we still are, you know, growing up. And we used to, Chinese New Year and like, we used to go to Chinatown with them and like, or go to like Chinese restaurants. And, and we used to sort of like,

it was one of my favorite memories, but I remember going to one keys for the first time and eating downstairs and having like chickens, chickens feet and stuff. And like, I was the only i was like this little english boy who just ate and literally eat anything because i was always like my mum was like it was a ridiculous thing how greedy you were as a child but it was like yeah i used to love going like to sort of places like that and like the first time going for curries and stuff and my dad doing what he did for a job he had like such a sort of

wide diversity of friends who sort of like would drop in stuff and you know it was yeah my mum was really obsessed with healthy eating did i tell you before that my mum was like mum used to send me to school with like lentil crisps and stuff my mum was like we didn't have chocolate in the house until i was like eight oh yeah my mum was like yeah but my yeah my mum was like we didn't have chocolate in the house until I was like 8 really yeah my mum was like yeah my mum was the exact opposite she thought that you know she saw no negative

effects of sugar she just thought sugar was a great way of making kids eat something you know what I think your mum's got it right because I rebelled so much against it

like as soon as I could eat sugar like at school and stuff I was such a fucking greedy piece of shit. Whereas I'm one of the healthiest eaters you know. I've had no ongoing issues with it.

I, I, um, like I genuinely, like when I look at how Lisa's brought up, like, and like, I've had to have so many,

like I've had to have so much dental work and stuff done whereas lisa's had to have none um she was brought up the same way with you and also you've not had any feelings no no there you go so i think that's a result of like yeah but like now i like even katherine said you and my mum said to me i need to look at what you eat and drink why because i was literally like i've lost a decent amount of weight. Yeah, you're a good boy. But still like, when my mum was here,

my dad came and stayed. And I was like, I've been fucking, she was like, you had three cans of Coke, you're like having chocolate bar. Like that's disgusting to this, right? This is genuinely one of the lowest things.

Like, and Catherine's constantly sort of having a go at me about it. I brought Catherine as a sort of joke gift from Grace for Valentine's Day. I brought her loads of bits.

From Grace, I brought her, we have a, you know, we're doing the night feeds and everything. So I brought her like this selection box

of Cadbury's chocolate like bars, right? Because we've, we have a joke about people buying fancy chocolate but you can't have it at Cadbury's,

can you? Sounds hilarious. There you go. You've got to be there. It's what we call romantic tit-a-tat. And I ate all of the bars in Catherick that I'd brought for Grace, right? To the point where she came down...

Hold on, but how did this... Did you eat them all in one sitting? Was it gradually? No, no, no. I mean, I probably ate sometimes two. Like, I'd go and have a crunch in and sit there for about 10 minutes and go,

actually, that double-decker's probably... I don't think Catherine even likes that. I convinced myself that I was doing her a favour until she went down there and there was one fucking dairy milk there. And she was like, what the fuck is this? And she told my mum this.

My mum was like, oh, my God, we really have to do something about, like, what he's eating. And then, like... Oh, my God, so they staged an intervention? Yeah, well, no, because then, obviously, this and she told my mum this my mum was like oh my god we really have to do something about like what he's eating and then like oh my god so they staged an intervention yeah well no because then obviously me and you what my parents came to look after grace and uh katherine last last week because things me and you talked about and i'm like my parents were very very amazing to come and do that yeah and uh me and you were on the we were gigging and whatever but then like i'm sort of

not like but then Friday night, I'm like, I'll just get a fucking fish and chips, right? On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil.

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all starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Saturday, I'm like, my dad loves a curry. My dad's upset. And at the curry house near us, as I've said before, it's amazing. So my dad's upset and at the curry house near us as i've said before it's amazing so my dad's like it's the law he has you know but then for lunch i'm like making

paninis and stuff and having chips and my mom's like yeah yeah it's kind of an intervention of like you you just because you've lost a bit of timber probably through stress and anxiety um doesn't mean you can just eat whatever you want. Because there's still visceral fat is the biggest prick you can have. Yeah, sure. But do you think you've got a problem? What, me? Yeah, I've got a problem. I've got a very addictive nature.

Yeah. Yeah, I have too. So Flo, shout out Flo. Amazing, by the way, Flo. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Like smashed last week. She got me, you know know it was my birthday on sunday so she got me very we'll talk about this i'm very annoyed with you you kept very quiet

annoyed okay it's so quiet so she got me as i think i've talked about in the podcast before uh i love black truffle crisps right it's a bit bougie i know but i love them right they're so good anyway she bought me like a little for my, bought me like a little food hamper thing. Nice. With two massive bags of those black truffle crisps, right? And it's so dangerous for someone like me, man. It's like every 10 minutes or so, not 10 minutes, a bit of an exaggeration, but every now and again,

I just pop over to the drawer, pour myself a bowl of crisps. I'm not even hungry. Not even hungry, right? No, I'm with you. And then just smash through 400 calories of crisps for nothing it's so mental i literally this this is like where being euphoric so it's like i brought a load of like this is pathetic i was really worried right for some reason you know i do giant what's it's right yeah i was really worried that giant what's it's were just going to be a temporary thing and that what's it you know what i i think actually

i'm starting to think because this is a running theme with you i think for the sake of your of people's health and safety these companies need to say exactly what's going on with these yeah with these products i brought an insane amount of giant Watsits. Right. Like the hot ones and the cheese ones. Yeah. And they're in these fucking great big bags. I can see it. And Catherine, like the amount of times in the last six months

Catherine's come in and gone, have you eaten another big bag of Giant Watsits? It's that tone as well. Yeah, yeah. So disappointed. But like disappointed in you and just like absolutely baffled by a human being who can eat a big, massive bag of...

And then she'll go, I might just do some popcorn. I'll go, oh, do me a bag. Like I'm a fucking bin. I cannot have somebody in the house be eating food and not have a bit of that. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. It doesn't matter if I've just had a massive dinner.

If Lisa hasn't had dinner and she comes in or something, she goes, I think I might do myself something. Yeah, I'll have a bit as well. I'll have a bit as well. It's pathetic. Mate, literally, my parents arrived on Monday. Me and Catherine had had lunch. My mum comes in and goes,

oh, it'd be nice to have a toasty or something. I made them both a toasty and I made myself two. Of course you did. What is that? It's so fucking like, like what are you doing to yourself? I know. Like I have a problem that I think the world,

at some point they're going to go, oh, everyone, that's enough for eating now. You've got two days off it. And my mum, you know, my mum drops off these Sri Lri lankan care packages yeah she will she will sometimes she'll go to me romesh i've done you enough for a few days just to sort of stick that in the freezer whatever and then later on that night she'll text me again how was the food and i haven't got the balls to tell her that i actually finished it i finished

three day supply of curry in like two cities. Sometimes I've done it to the level where I actually feel uncomfortable. I feel really uncomfortable. I'm sat on the sofa going, I don't think my body's designed to contain this amount of food. Like I think I might burst. Do you know what I mean? I'm in pain because of how much food I've crammed into my...

You know what I mean? You mean you've got that one lucky thing that you do feel like that, right? I've got a friend, right, who says he never feels full. Oh, God. He just eats and eats. And you know the saddest, the most annoying thing?

He's not even that big. If I was to introduce you, and I'd say, oh, this is... Yeah. You'd go, hello, mate, how are you? Oh, nice to meet you.

Look, I didn't do your voice then, actually. It's annoyed me. And he'd be like, hello, oh, you know, nice to meet you look I've done didn't do your voice then actually it's annoyed me and he'd be like hello oh you know big fan of your work type thing and

then I'd whisper in your ear really quietly and go that's the guy who's never fucked and you'd go fucking hell you're joking

what I'd hope is you'd have the actual fucking common sense and maybe just tell me before but well two things one I don't it's not essential information second why lean over and whisper it to me

in front of him like a bad sitcom no but like just so you know right okay just so you know when you and then I reckon you some of you are going why did you have to bloody whisper that? But another bit of you would go, what? So you'd prefer it if it was massive, would you? Yeah, because then I'd feel better about myself.

Okay, so you're sort of throwing him under the bus so that you feel better about yourself. Yeah, because if I was never full, I'd never stop eating. The only thing I have in my corner is that at a time I sit there and go oh I didn't need to eat fucking

I didn't need to eat a large fish and chips and then finish off everyone else's chips and batter do you ever have that where like somebody will say

something like oh god I've got to stop eating I've actually I've eaten a donut and a half this morning and you think what the fuck are you Actually, I've eaten a donut and a half this morning. And you think, what the fuck are you talking about? I've eaten a donut and a half before I've even registered I'm eating donuts.

Don't come to me with your pathetic examples of gluttony. Thank you very much. Since I was a kid, right, as well, the thing that I always get whenever I go around someone's house for food is this, right? You turn up, they go they go well we've cooked loads loads and loads lucky enough tom's here if there's any leftover i get it all the time and it's a kid done an extra 10 fish fingers just in case tom's hungry the only thing that sort of saves me is is being like vegan or plant-based whatever the fuck you're supposed to call it

um is that I can't, that limits, do you know what I mean? Otherwise I'd be eating everyone's leftovers, do you know what I mean? And sometimes I look in the fridge and I think, oh, there's a big thing of pasta there,

but then it's got cheese in it. So I'm like, okay, that's the only thing that's stopping me from devouring the whole lot. If I was at your house, I'd be eating it. Anyway, we should move on just to say about your, this birthday thing. Oh yeah, go on, yeah, go on. I was going should move on just to say about this birthday thing.

Oh, yeah, go on. Yeah, go on, Jonas. I was going to move on. It's so, so, so quiet at Man at Man. We've spent all week together last week, and you didn't mention it once. Why would a man in his 40s mention his birthday? Because it's like, I'd have liked to have got you something.

You don't need to get me anything. You're my brother. Yeah, but you're also... You're my brethren. Sure. The thought of you waking up on your birthday and Lisa and all the kids just sort of like swaddling you in love, right?

And then Lisa going, oh my God, there's a massive prison at the door. And you go, what the bloody heck? And then you walk out and it would be something from me. And you go, that bloody guy. You'd like that, would you?

Yeah. Couldn't even do me the birthday present of not doing my fucking voice for like 10 weeks. Speaking of last week, can we just say, Tom and I were absolutely buzzing after the Wolf and Owl shows and we did

the Hackney show on Thursday, Saffron Walden Wednesday and Soho on the Monday and all three of those shows were so much fun and actually at the end of the Hackney show, this is slightly embarrassing but I would just be

in the interest of being open and honest with our listeners. We're kind of a bit overwhelmed, aren't we, with the response at the end of that show? Genuinely, yeah. I felt very emotional. It was like just crazy. It was a lot of love in the room, man. A lot of love.

All three of them. Yeah, all three of them. But yeah, I think just the size of Hackney was just kind of like, wow, that was a very special thing my brother and i looked at you and i didn't think i could love you anymore but i remember like just holding you and your sweaty sort of brow just sort of like sort of sort of fitting into my sort of shoulder and sort of like just holding you there and just thinking fuck you none of this just none of this happened um i took but speaking of sweaty um the room upstairs after we had a few people come in and like visit it was so fucking hot yeah it was like so insanely hot and and other people i've realized now i don't for some reason i feel i find it

embarrassing to comment on the temperature of a room or I just don't do it. I don't know. I was stood there absolutely baking, like sweating. Sweating so much that I felt slightly uncomfortable about talking to people because I thought I really am, I am basically fucking moist. And at one point, Lisa McGrillis, shout out Lisa McGrillis, and I was chatting

to Lisa and Mandeep Dhillon and Lisa said it's really hot in here isn't it and I was like yes it is hot it's almost like

I've been given I've been liberated from not speaking up about it as if somebody as if somebody really terrified was in charge

of the room's temperature it was yeah I mean I would say that's one of the most boring things I've ever said. But anyway. I think it's true. I think that, yeah, personally, I was like, as I've said before, I keep quite a sort of a level of cool about me. And sort of like, yeah. And also, I sort of stood over on my own a little bit,

just to sort of like, yeah like just to take in the wonder and it was nice actually because I sort of just watched you work the room and I thought that's my brother Tom, Tom, Tom you have never seen me work a room, okay, I can guarantee it, do you know why I know that?

because I never have and never will I love you I just don't you're so sweet it's so true you find a couple of people that you sort of know and then you just hang on to them i find those look i find those i find groups of people frightening not frightening but like i just don't like it i the the idea of navigating through a group of people like that i find i remember once i did an edinburgh show uh at the pleasant's courtyard and i'd finished the show and i walked out and in the courtyard was like loads of

comedians i knew uh ed gamble james acaster loads of loads of nice people individually lovely blokes lovely people got a lot of time for them I turned around and went the other way because of the because that sounds no disrespect to them I just I found it too anxiety inducing to

walk through and talk to them. This sort of talks about the level that we're both at Edinburgh like I could name the people that I would have sort of been hanging around with or seeing and they were, no one would know who they were talking about. Curly and the Banana Man or something like that. I did, do you remember Hot Tub Time Machine? Yeah, I do, yeah.

Sorry, sorry. I don't mean Hot Tub Time Machine. I mean Hot Dub Time Machine. Yeah, yeah. So do you know they used to do that in Edinburgh? It was like the time travelling disco night it's a great night um and then i i went to a few of them and one of them i went to the fire alarms went off in the gilded balloon so like they evacuated the thing and everybody said i were carrying on in the i can't remember what bar it was some bar like it was like

some main like foyer bit of the Pleasant and I was walking into the thing and the doors opened and I saw everybody there and I just fucking went home I just couldn't face the fucking prospect this is a different

like I was such an outsider in those situations you know like you go to the everyone everyone would go oh yeah everyone's going to the library I would spend a whole month trying to get into one of these bars like trying to sort of like lurk around just enough or just make friends with one person who might be out and get you into and then eventually you get in there and then realize that no one would talk to you anyway it's like yeah, yeah. I do think it's one of the reasons that I sort of fell out of love

with the Edinburgh Festival is that is that kind of networking. I think it brings out the worst in people. I think that like it makes people really competitive. Yeah. It makes people constantly compare themselves to each other. You're getting reviewed

out your arse. You're looking at people's posts. you as well by by people whose opinion is that without being those edinburgh reviewers are the lowest reviewers that for the most part like we've talked about this on on it before i believe but i think that they the relish they take in the sort of like really like giving a kick into someone who's just started out and probably what i'd say is the most nerve-wracking fucking lonely uh art form there is in stand-up comedy the relish they take uh in doing that it's even more lonely in edinburgh the the thing that's horrible is like you do your show and then you get a couple of shit reviews in the first week whatever and then you know that you've got to do it for the rest of the month.

You either just sort of grin and bear it. But also the fact that all of your peers know, right? So then you've got a thing of walking into somewhere that you've got a bad review, a real stinker, right? And all you hear is people going, oh, I might come and see your show i'll definitely come down it's quite hard to get tickets but i'll sort you something out and then you'll go hi guys and they'll go um hi how are you all right is the show going any better

and yeah no because everyone's there's an element of good people and support there right but you feel like such a fucking loser the amount of times doing a show at 10 o'clock at night, finished at 10 o'clock at night, I'd literally just walk out. I wouldn't even, my show would be bad. I was like, it was soul destroying.

I'd walk home on my own, just sort of thinking, why am I even here? What am I even doing this for? I've got fucking weeks of this left. Doing a show I don't believe in, not just that I don't believe in, no one does. Do you know what?

Not that this podcast is about advising people on how to do Edinburgh, but the last time I went, I made – Lisa and the kids came with me because Lisa's pregnant because I'm with an insensitive husband and father. But that was amazing. Do you know what I mean? Your bit was about more than comedy then wasn't it yeah because but then you just do the show and you're not you're

not just thinking about comedy non-stop it's much better anyway tom sorry i didn't mention it's my birthday okay yeah but i will get you something a little token like a ring or something you can you know you wear it what do you give me one of those little friendship rings that falls apart if you take it off so that you know. Do you remember those? Yeah, I do, yeah. Loads of people had them, couples had them

where it's like you can't put it back together. I wonder where you'd even get one of those. I don't know. Like a pinky ring one. Why not kick back with a cold smooth bush Smooth taste.

Great value. Bush Lager. Enjoy responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today.

Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis.

See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. Let's talk about the... I know we're not a topical, this isn't Mock the Week,

but can we talk about the big news of the week, which is Will Smith slapping Chris Rock. Number one shout out Chris Rock's chin. Oh, my God. Looked like he hadn't even been hit. Man. Do you know when I first watched it, I was like, is this staged?

Yeah, a lot of people said that. Because just the way that, this sounds really fucking, I don't think you're going to rip me for it, but the difference between when you have done martial arts or boxing or whatever. Oh, God. No, but how you punch,

and then the difference between stage punching and punching in a film to make it look overly elaborate so people can, you know, if you watch anything, right, there's always these big sweep of movements. So if you go back and watch Will Smith's, it's like a big,

it's not like a punch that you'd normally do. It's like quite a staged punch. But then he's obviously just had an insane amount of fight training over his life. That's, I guess, I guess he,

I, this is pure speculation. Obviously all of this is pure speculation. I've not spoken to either Chris Rock nor Will Smith about this. Who both are big fans of yours and your hip hop fans. Oh, massive, massive fans.

I know, uh, Will Smith, uh, when he was, um, when he was promoting After Earth, I know that in a lot of interviews he talked about Judge Romesh

as a sort of a thing that he would watch to kind of get himself in the zone. But two things. One, I don't think he wanted to properly hurt Chris Rock. I think he just wanted to show that he's pissed off. If you go back and watch it just quickly, he laughs when Chris Rock... I know, and then Jada looks very upset. show that he's pissed off if you go back and watch it just quickly he laughs when i know so you know that just after that moment the camera pans back to chris rock something said yeah either something said or will smith looks across at his wife yeah and thinks fuck man i don't want my wife to feel like that so he's gone up or he feels bad because he laughed and he

shouldn't have but the thing that's so mad about it is you're at the Oscars, right? And that is a long walk from his chair up to Chris Rock, right? Yeah. And Chris Rock is laughing because he thinks Will Smith's going to do something funny as he would do in every other instance of this happening. Right? Yeah. And so you sort of think that is a lot of time to reflect on whether

you should carry on with this. Do you know what I mean? It's like if, if, if Chris walks right in front of him and then he just slapped him, you go, okay, I saw,

even though that's mad, I sort of get it because in the heat of the moment, but you've had to fucking walk up to the game. On that walk, it's the adrenaline is building rather than subsiding, right? Yeah. Like, cause even like, I guess so.

Like, because even, like, even after he's done it, he goes and sits down and he's still fucking absolutely furious. Yeah, he is. Like, he's, like... I know it's bad. Like, as a comedian, I just felt for, like, Chris Rock in a way of, like... No, mate. Chris Rock is, like, on stage at the end of it and he's like keep your name keep her name out of my mouth

and he's like yeah okay fine I will and it's like we've all as comedians had something that's happened to us and we've had that moment where you're like alright mate it's a comedy show I've had like genuinely I remember doing stand up doing it in Croydon having a joke

about something and then someone calling me and threatening me, because he thought I was joking about him. It's a sort of moment of like... And that monologue is, for whatever reason, the Oscars has become slightly a roast. I think that's something that's probably happened more in the last 10, 15 years. It's lent into this sort of...

These award shows become more about rinsing people. Let's be absolutely honest. It's a fucking joke that they have the Oscars. Yeah. I mean, it's like these people are acting in fucking films. Like they've won the lottery of life. And then on top of that, they get this fucking awards, this awards ceremony where they're given like gift

bags also just to say i always feel like it's never representative of what anyone's watching like no like why is marvel and films i know like they don't need a fucking leg up why yeah but the amount of people like spider-man the new spider-man the amount of joy and that's like such an amazing piece of work Infinity Wars should have mopped up yeah but even just fucking have how it looks

like you know and those things aren't easy to write with that amount of characters yeah anyway I think I suspect we might be sounding ignorant to film connoisseurs

but I'm happy to live with that but look for my and I I've talked about this a bit obviously it's only happened a day ago,

but like, I just thought it was fucked up that Will Smith did. I'll tell you what I think is fucked up. I understand that Will Smith was angry on behalf of his wife. I also think that Will Smith is going through something at the moment. I think he sort of bears all the hallmarks of somebody that's struggling a bit, if I'm being honest. I just think that there's... I just think, I believe there's something going on there.

Do you know what I mean? And I don't know what it is, and I'm speculating. Even with his speech, it felt like... Yeah, it's just something going on with that guy. So you do have to give him... Oh, yeah, yeah. With that in mind, you give him a bit of, like, a bit of benefit of the doubt.

But the fact of the matter is, you just can't fucking go up and slap slap somebody i realize that what chris rock said i and the other thing is i don't know whether chris rock knew about the alopecia or not it you know and there are there is a very complicated issue with identity and black women and their hair and stuff like that and and jada pinkett had been jada pinkettett Smith had been very open about her struggles with alopecia on Instagram and stuff like that

whether Chris Rock knew that or not I don't know the thing about Chris Rock as well as a comedian this might sound insane like I don't

and I'm a massive fan of himself he never feels like someone who's out for getting just a cheap laugh at someone else he doesn't feel like ever like

a mean guy who's just out there like some of his stand up and you know I Some of his stand-up and, you know, I'd say anyone who enjoys stand-up, Chris is amazing, right? But it doesn't feel like he'd just be being nasty just for the sake of being. It feels like whether it's just the sort of... It was a very kind of... If Jada Pinkett Smith hasn't got alopecia,

that is a very tame joke. It's a very soft joke, right? We can argue about whether it was a good joke or not, but I don't think that's really relevant. It's a very soft joke, right? If she has got alopecia, it gives it a bit more edge. And she was obviously upset by it. But what I don't understand,

what I do not understand is how you are how anybody is allowed to get up slap the host sit down and collect your oscar a half an hour later like how how the fuck is that allowed if that happened at a golf club you'd fucking yeah yeah yeah you're throwing out right and then the oscars are going they're investigating it now. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's a difficult one, isn't it? I mean, my problem is, our problem is, is that we're always going to side with the comedian on this. Yeah, but also, there's a part of me that can see where we'll come,

like you say, their issues as a couple have been quite out. You know, they're there to be read, right? There's situations that they've got themselves in it's quite clear that they're in quite a tough quite a tough time in their marriage right so things like this where if she's upset and you're going for a bit that that will feel a lot bigger i'm not making any excuses because i completely you know i completely cyber quest and and like but i do think it's a quite a when you're going through any sort of unstable time in your marriage or in your life any moment like that feels so so big and like any gesture that you feel like i've dropped the ball there or i should have probably done so more about that you can yeah you can go back and look like he might have just even his speech afterwards

I found and his behaviour really even when you see it's sort of like he's not like going oh fuck man he feels a bit like he's sort of made a bit of a joke out of it and I think actually as well it's worth saying that Chris Rockham sort of I think handled it

with dignity as well and also the fact that he's not gone into town on it. He's just sort of been quiet. But Will Smith has just issued a statement about it. Hold on. Are you going to do it in fresh print sort of rap or just read it out? Violence is rock.

No, I shouldn't do that. Violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive my behavior at last night's academy wars is unacceptable and inexcusable jokes are my at my expense a part of the job but a joke about jade's medical condition was too much for me to bear and i reacted emotionally i'd like to apologize publicly to you chris i was out of line and i was wrong i'm embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man i want to be there is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness i would also like to apologize to the academy the producers of the show all the attendees and everyone watching around the world i'd like to apologize

to the williams family and and my king richard family i deeply regret that my behavior is stained what had been an otherwise gorgeous journey for us all i am a work in progress um it was he didn't apologize at all on the night to chris rock did it like he was no i don't know it's it's so fucked up man he's a difficult one brother yeah right do you want to do some emails it has to be quick and spry here we go um dear so this is uh this email is from the fruit bat and it says uh dear wolf allen swan i've only recently discovered the podcast i've just caught up with all the episodes absolutely love the pod keep up the good work i'm quite a quandary and i'm hoping the wolf on al can help in deciding

what i should do my parents have been married for 30 years just over a year ago my mom started to come quite withdrawn seemed to be spending all waking moments on her phone she was totally disengaged with any conversation i tried having with her and seemed like she was always thinking about something else for a bit of background my dad has suffered with severe depression in the past and the behavior my mother was exhibiting was the behaviors my dad showed shortly uh when he was going through this due to my mother's behavior i started to worry that she could be suffering in silence like my dad did i tried speaking to her about it but she didn't open up and said that she was fine one evening when she left her phone unattended i unlocked it and took a look at her messages i can already feel the wrath of the wolf

and i'll coming down to me for this and i believe believe me i couldn't feel more guilty for doing this i totally regret it and wish i'd never looked but it did come from a place of worry and care i didn't expect to find what i discovered but it turns out my mom's having an affair i didn't read many of the messages but let's just say uh i was left in doubt i was left in no doubt about what was going on i have a turbulent relationship with my dad has previously stated he's suffering depression and i do not so i do not blame my mom for cheating on him however i do believe it's wrong my dad is not an easy person to live with and i don't think my mom has loved him for some time i've kept what i discovered to myself and moved out the family home about four months ago

so i thought that pretending not to know anything would get easier however in the last couple of months my dad has started mentioning to me that he thinks my mom is cheating on him with another man every time he says this i brush up his comments quickly change the subject but now i feel i'm part of the deception that i'm lying to my dad i'm now stuck not knowing whether to tell my mom i know or let my dad tell my dad uh or continue as i have and keep the whole thing under my hat my mom is a person I'm close to in the world. I'm really worried that saying something will ruin my relationship with her. Apologies for the long email.

Kind regards to Fruitbat. Tomo. Wow. This one's a bit of a weird one, actually, because, yeah, it's like not with my parents, but there's an element of like, it's a bit like it's a situation that happens sort of within my family and uh i think that the the biggest thing is speaking to your mother and having a discussion to say that you know so that you're clear with her about because i think the worst thing that can happen in any situation like this is what you've got now is you've got three different

people who ultimately are sort of related and should be the closest people that you have in your life and all three of them are quite lonely and you know keeping secrets and and and or feeling sort of quite distant from each other and actually I think if you're talking to your mother and saying look you know I feel like bad because i've done this but you know showing her a bit of support as to the reason that you know why but also i think like getting your mum at some point to speak to dad and sort of say what's going on because i think i think what can happen is in this situation like this is you sort of you just life is short and i think that you're gonna have your mum is living by the sound of things, being pretty unhappy.

Your dad is living, being pretty unhappy. And no matter the fact that they've been together all this time, I think that it takes a lot of courage and it takes, you know, to walk away from something rather than just live being really, really sad. And I think that, I think you, yeah, I think you, yeah, speak, I think you, yeah, speak to your mum and then try and work out a way that she can move forward

and your dad can move forward in a way, you know, because if he already knows, he knows, you know, and it's not something that, um, it's only going to be a matter of time before he finds out.

And I think for your mum, I think there'll be a certain, you know, it's going to be very hard to deal with, but I think actually for her to turn around and actually speak to your dad about it will sully it less and make it, you know, not quite as difficult as it has to be. But yeah, man, it's a hard one. And my thoughts go out to you, Fruitbat.

Bless you. Yeah. Fruitbat, thanks for emailing in, man. I would echo what Tom said. My dad, he had numerous affairs, cheated on my mum numerous times. One in particular for like a longer time. And yeah, it's a very difficult thing to go through as a child of that, knowing that that's going on in fact that i had a slightly different situation where my mum found out and i i just couldn't

i feel sorry for my mum and i've apologized sir for it since but i couldn't believe that my dad would do that so even when she even when they were talking about it i just would i'd put the blame on my mum and go you're just making this up. Dad would never do that. But it turned out he did regularly. But my advice to you would be, Fruit Bat, is exactly what Tom said, which is it's not really your responsibility to tell your dad. I think that what you need to do is, like Tom said, talk to your mum

and sort of explain to her that you think that she should have a chat with him. Because the truth is, is that if she doesn't want to be with your dad, then they need to split up really. And then if she still doesn't want to do that, I think you just have to live with it. Do you know what I mean? Let's hope that she sort of sees the value in telling him.

But if she decides not to to my personal advice would be and obviously i'm not an expert and i'm speaking from pure ignorance here it would be that you it's not you that tells your dad it's it's got to be it's got to come from your mum and and you know i think if you explain it from your side of things and explain the situation to her and also what you said in this email which is that you love your mum to bits and you understand why she would have done that. I think that's the way to go with it. It's a really difficult thing to go through, mate.

And for you to email in and tell us about it is a big thing. So we don't take that lightly. So thanks very much and good luck with it, mate. I hope it works out all right. so thanks very much and good luck with it mate I hope it works out alright okay Tom

you've got to go because we've made the rookie error yet again of not recording it at the weekend we should be proud

let's always look at positives okay there would have been a time where we would have just gone oh let's just not do one we've done it we're here namaste

let me just let me just say a few things okay sure deirdre polycast was a ferocious woman and she would often get herself in scrapes like times when she'd sit on the bus and she would play her music without earphones. And if someone complained to her, she'd say, what's your problem? Why are you being an ass? God, man, you've got such a problem. Or times when she would go to a holiday resort and she would have parties all through the night. And when her neighbors from the uh adjoining uh apartments would knock on her door and say oh can you keep the music down and the

noise down she'd say what's your problem why don't you like parties or if she's at a restaurant she'd shout or if someone trod in the dog poo that she didn't pick up she'd say what's your problem and one day she asked an elderly gentleman by the name of Todd Gritt she said as she was walking down the street she dropped some litter and he said excuse me are you going to pick that litter up and she said what is it your street what's your problem and Todd Gritt said to Deirdre my problem is you you are the problem but you're the problem in yourself because somewhere deep inside you've lost the love of yourself so you're constantly going around trying to find arguments and trying to upset people just to make yourself feel validated the truth of the matter is maybe you could love yourself a little bit more

and you wouldn't be searching for problems. You'd be searching for answers of how you could be better. I guess what I'm trying to say, guys, is if you know a Deidre, someone who's always kicking up and being aggressive or being too in your face, don't look to knock her down. Look to pick her up and ask her, yo, Deirdre,

you okay? Things okay, girl? Cause you know, it's going to be okay. You got a friend in me. Shout out to our grit. It's always the ending,

isn't it? That's a bit sticky. Um, thank you so much for listening to the podcast and thank you to everybody that came to the live shows last week live shows to be announced forthwith yes uh it was it was amazing man we had such a great time and we're coming north yeah and please do get in touch uh if you with suggestions for how I open the podcast for next time. We'd appreciate it. Take care of yourselves. Much love.

Peace out. Take it easy. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. If you have a problem, opinion, feedback or anything at all, please email us at wolfalpod at gmail.com. That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you,

mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.