Wolf and Owl - Ep 74: Middle Age Partying & County Fairs

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

We’re talking…. acceptable venues for middle age nights out, elderflower lager, county fair attire, sleeveless shirts, extreme shaving, festival infatuations, little white lies and the intimidating thought of dating again. Plus, we receive a shocking revelation on the ‘My Guy!’ debate and answer a few of your emails too. For any feedback, questions or comments please email us at [e-mail] - we’d love to hear from you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Bring your weak shit, wear the wolf and owler That ain't just a mistake, that's an awful howler Both of them are known to pull up at your shows Have the crowd witnessing a murder like they rolled in with a gang of crows Fuck the censorship, let them see the whole thing They stay dressed to kill, never sheep's clothing Dark enough to turn the sun to the moon You'll see nothing, all you hear is a huff, a puff and a Expect killings, red spilling and flesh ripping Impressive in it, the death bringing, it's head spinning

Just kidding, every word in this song's about two grown men Dressed up as a bird and a dog welcome guys to the wolf and our podcast yo how you doing break it off give it a kiss hold it in your arms it's a podcast yeah uh really good to be here. Always get slightly nervous with the evening records. How are you feeling in general? Well, I'm very nervous, Tom, as you know. Two days off, right? You've had two sweet days off. I did have a Saturday, Sunday off, yeah.

Nice. Well, I went out on Friday night for a friend's birthday. Yo. Let me ask you this. At the age that I am, which is 44, just to remind you, what should I do when I go on a night out with friends? In what sense? What do you mean? Well, I'll tell you what we did do.

We went to a pub and had some food. And then we went to a bar where I would say we were 20 years older, 15 to 20 years older. Man, you've made the biggest mistake there for definite i know that's what you need to go to places oh sorry sorry tom what what i think you've slightly misheard me um the question i asked you was what should i be doing and you seem to have heard the question is could you roast what i decided to do no no sometimes it's hard to tell with you like because you're always like octave wise sometimes I don't know if you're confessing

embarrassed or showing off. There's a way there where you're like... I think you think you said it. Can we just honestly cut the bullshit for a second? Yeah. Do you regularly know me to show off on this podcast?

No, but I thought this was going to be the time when you did show up it's like oh yeah basically i went to this fucking place i was the oldest there for like 20 years mate that's a brag is it no i don't know like if you were probably like i don't know if you were probably 20 it would be in a way like Everybody else is a baby. There was, I got, this is, this is, this is to give you an idea of whether I should have been there or not.

Two girls approached me to have a chat. Used to teach both of them. Oh, you're joking. So basically, they probably would be closer to Theo's age than yours. Well,

that's an extra horrible way of thinking about it that hadn't occurred to me, but yes, you're probably right. I'm just saying that I think that when you're in that situation and all your mates are goading you and it's all like... What do you mean? They weren't goading. Goading me to do what? No, not go to this place where you're the older. Are your friends the same age as you?

No, I hang around... All of my mates are sort of like 21, 22. No, I don't know. I just feel like you're only as young as you feel do you know what i mean but i did have their like in their 30s and shit like if they're your age you so you someone's got to take control of that situation and be yo guys yo hold it for a second what i would say that if somebody said that to me is first of all you're 44 years old why do you keep saying yo okay hey hey guys listen up for christ's sake what are we thinking going to this bar where everyone's going to be 20 years younger than us should we go somewhere else where we're more befitting for our age where is okay so that's the question that if we get to the actual point of when we started this where is that place where should we be going look in london for a start if you i mean but you you want to stay in your suburbs no no no i don't

know i'm asking the question yeah yeah no no but also it's a drag to get all the way into london sometimes sure and also you know that comes with its own hashtag problems do you know what i mean so you need to find like talk about talk about trying to be 20 years younger than they are using a fucking hashtag in spoken conversation. No, but there must be like a bar. If you Google now, like, sort of like, I don't know, like, older person's bar in Crawley, or like, you know...

No, 40-something. So we've been doing this, this is like, what, three minutes of chat here for you to tell me to use Google no no but like Wetherspoons I was fine

it's quite an old crowd fuck you go fuck yourself you could just put there honestly honestly I thought this is a problem I'm having

I'm going to ask Tom about this and use it as a great way of helping people out. You said Google and Weatherspoon. Those are the two things you've got to work with. If you came to my town, I'd take you somewhere and go I know for a fact that we would almost be the youngest ones there by probably 10 years.

It depends what you want to do. Do you want to be a rule breaker? Do you want to be edgy? Do you want to be the juvenile one? Or do you want be like the old fucking gandalf vibe well i was i was the gandalf vibe i achieved yeah and you didn't enjoy it did you no so it's actually like no no i didn't mind it the truth is i didn't mind that because i just was chatting to my mates what i do slightly worry about is it looks a bit awful. I think it looks creepy if you're in a place where everyone's 20 years younger than you. And I think it says, especially if you're in a group of lads

or a group of men, it sets a pretty sinister tone off. Fucking hell. Do you know what? I'm just saying. Fucking hell. Do you know what? No, I'm just saying. Fucking hell. Do you know what? God forbid anybody comes to you for actual fucking face-to-face advice. No, I'm just saying.

Google Weatherspoons and you look like a nonce. Those are the three bullet points for what you've said. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that it would have been cooler if you'd gone to a place, like even if you'd gone to like a National Trust building that serves alcohol, then you'd be like the young, edgy ones. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

It's my mate's birthday. I'm not going to say to him, oh, why don't we go to Wakehurst Place? We'll check out the road to Dendres and see if we can get ourselves an elderflower lager from the fucking cafe bar. Yeah, but at least then, mate, no one's ever beaten anyone up for having an elderflower lager from the fucking cafe bar. Yeah, but at least then, like, mate,

no one's ever beaten anyone up for having an elderflower lager and looking at some flowers. No one's ever beaten anyone up

It's like, like, no, you've just like, you've got to make, you've got to make different choices in, like,

you know, with those things now. Do you know Annie McManus? The Radio Undiege, well, former Radio Undiege. Oh yeah,

I've heard, yeah, yeah, yeah. Annie Mack, sorry, I should say. Yeah, Annie Mack, yeah, yeah, I've given her a formal yeah I've heard yeah yeah yeah Annie Mack sorry I should say yeah Annie Mack yeah yeah

I've given her a formal I've given her a formal name anyway yeah so Annie Mack she started this night this club night called

I think it's called Before Midnight right and basically it's a club night that finishes before midnight and it's for older people see that's

that's a vibe that I literally I love that club I love that idea if I'm going to be honest with you yeah jubilee party for thursday best one i like because of grace i can leave whenever i wanted yeah that's your favorite thing a party during the daytime loads of union jacks that that's that's your favorite thing isn't it where do you go out mate you know the only thing that tops it what is a county fair so what you text me from the county fair what was the deal with the county for the i went to the county fair on uh what was that saturday by the way happy happy platinum jubilee to everybody sorry we should have if not we've been very it's very remiss of us to not yeah yeah i hope everyone

had an amazing weekend celebrated with hope you had a great time. It's celebrated with your kin, and you went easy, and you were kind. I was wearing a polo shirt, and I was by far the best-dressed person. I looked like a – That doesn't surprise me that you're the best-dressed person. You're often the best-dressed person when you go out. I don't know about that, sweet Rob. You're a lovely boy there's such a

nice compliment i feel like a piece of dung now but like well let's should we should we examine the way that you responded to my story about my weekend and how i responded to yours and then let's have another look at these fucking emails that say that i'm the prick of this of this podcast no but right so So it was... I sounded really... Do you know what? I sounded really, like, bitter. You sounded...

There was a little narc in your voice. There was a bit. Anyway, okay. I didn't mean that. That was effective, but it sounded a bit authentic. Anyway, go on. But yeah, it was a real...

It was the first time I've really sort of thought, oh, there's rednecks in England. Like, so actually, I'll tell you, I'll put this out there. I think I was probably one of the few people there who hadnecks in England. Like, so actually, I'll put this out there. I think I was probably one of the few people there who had sleeves on his shirt.

Wow. Like, everyone else seemed to have sort of like muscle tops or like shirts with their sleeves cut off. One guy even had a Ralph Lauren shirt with the sleeves cut off. What? Not a button shirt, a polo shirt. No, a button shirt. A button shirt with the sleeves cut off.

Yeah, I swear. I swear. And he had burnt arms. It was one of the most weirdest looks I've ever seen. I reckon Ralph Lauren would recall that. They wouldn't be happy with that. He had done everything that would... He somehow made what was quite a nice Ralph Lauren shirt. He cut the arms off it.

You know that sprout of hair that you get from your badge? Yeah, I love that sprout. It comes over the top of the collar of the shirt. That was sort of, yeah. But you know that sprout of um hair that you get from your back love that comes over the top of the collar of the shirt that was sort of yeah but you know what he was walking around enjoying himself absolutely leathered on cider yeah um yeah what what um do you think like who's is there anybody that's suited to the sleeveless shirt is any is anyone that can rock man if you've got yeah i mean mate if you've got really tight... Like Chris Hemsworth looks amazing. I don't know that he does.

I think if you've got nice arms and you've got just the right sort of... I think if you've got any kind of stomach fat, you can't wear a sleeveless. Because it just accentuates everything. It's really like... I've worn one before and really regretted it. I'm going to say I don't think sleeveless tops should exist

I don't think anybody, I don't care how good your arms look I just think it looks mad I don't know, I think sometimes, like if I've been in the gym and I've seen like anonymous people and gone fucking hell he looks really good in a sleeve

I want him to go up and just shake his head in the gym they look good. Yeah fine in the gym that's gym wear but there's a lot of gym wear that I wouldn't deem suitable for

going to a bar where I was 20 years older than everyone else. I think we need to go back to the 90s where there's a certain dress, bit of decorum shown in

certain pubs. I think wearing a sleeve to a pub is just not on. Unacceptable right? It's not unacceptable it's bit of decorum shown in certain pubs like i think wearing a sleeveless top yeah i agree to a pub is just not on unacceptable right it's not unacceptable it's acceptable but it's not also i do think if you are going to wear a sleeveless top should be paramount that you wear deodorant yeah i just um i noticed at least 25 to 30 percent of the people i came into contact with at the county fair definitely didn't have deodorant on but also if you're sort of walking you know depends also if it's a busy venue i just don't think you should be wearing

you know it's your responsibility to keep what's essentially weaponized parts of your body under wraps do you mean because you know you different people are at different heights aren't they what you don't want is a sort of a head to armpit contact being that would be my worry about wearing it it's just that yeah i'm out there and my yeah armpit hair would just be like you trim your armpit hair no i have done once but you've made me nervous now that i don't know i did it once and ultimately i regret i shaved my armpits once yeah i've done it it's the worst thing it's not great it's not a great show it's not a great shot if you're not going to continue doing it. If you're making a lifetime commitment to shaving your armpits,

then yes, I think that's fine. If you're doing it on a whim because you were bored and there was a razor near you, and then you're going to grow it back, it's one of the worst things that you can do. I've done it where I've shaved all the hair off my body once, and it was the worst mistake I literally got through it

in a hell of a week no no joking aside right yeah I make the decision to do it from the bottom up right and by the bottom

well kind of my bottom but my ankles up right yeah got halfway up went the first shin and thought this is a fucking mistake this

but then I'm fucking in that would have been no you no you're not in halfway up the? No, you're not in. Halfway up the first shin, you're not in. Mate. Let me tell you something. Halfway up the first shin, you can abandon that.

You're joking. I'm not joking. Halfway up the shin to shave that. Halfway, yeah. What, sorry, it's a choice between living with half a shin or shaving your entire fucking body. You've got doubts? These are the times in my life

where I wish I knew you when I was younger. No, but if you'd have gone, I did half of my... If you'd gone... Even if you did one leg up to your arse crack, one side, I still think we can have a chat about it. Half a shin...

But this is the difference between me and you. When I start something, I will fucking finish it. Half a shit. But this is the difference between me and you. When I start something, I will fucking finish it, mate. Okay. I mean, the fact that you think that's a brag. And then somebody,

you'll say to somebody, look, let me tell you something. Just imagine you're down in the pub. Let me tell you something, yeah? If I start something, I will fucking finish it. That's a promise.

I really, have you got an example? Yeah, I do actually. I, I, I just got to shave my body i got halfway up my first year and i thought this is a fucking mistake but i thought no i've committed to this and so i did my whole body and that's how you find that's how you find me now looking in front of you like a like a glistening seal if this is a thing now if i was to sort of like go through such a thing now,

I would text you and go, look, I'm halfway up my leg here, mate. I'm halfway up the shin. What should I do? Yeah. And I would have texted you back.

You can walk away from this, mate. But that's, I think why we make, we make such a, like, it's good to have friends. Cause like,

in a way that you've asked me for advice about like, big, like being a bit weird and old, like being worried about being in a bar and being like the oldest person there and I'm like look mate

this is what you should do I think my question was where should somebody of my age go out of an evening that was my initial question that's led to this what is essentially

fucking B-Rabbit at the end of 8 Mile fucking absolutely character assassinating me right no I'm just saying right

is that that's why it's like that's one of the beauties of friendship I think you know 8 Mile fucking absolutely character assassinated me. Right, no, I'm just saying, right? That's why it's like, that's one of the beauties of friendship, I think. You know, it's that thing about walking down a beach, isn't it? And you're like, oh, fucking hell, when times were hardest, there was only one set of fucking footprints. And I'm like, yeah, because I was carrying you, bro. No, because you fucking bent me over and called me a fucking old nonce. And pushed me in the seat. Oh, God. call me a fucking old nonce and push you in the seat oh god it did throw me

my mind back though to when I used to work on the all the festivals oh it's festival season how do you feel about festival season starting I love it man

do you know like it threw me back I I walked past the donut like it threw me back i i walked past the donut store and threw me back to a time where i fell in love with a woman who ran a donut store at a festival uh what type of donuts were they ring donuts you're talking about proper ring donuts you make the little deep fried you know where they yeah those ones yeah okay and uh so what happened i was working at the festival season so i and at the time i had a stall but also we were doing some just helping out on the fairground as well

which is quite fun and yeah there's a girl who kind of don't fan at the stall i mean in the end it's like she actually sort of and she wasn't a particularly nice person but you know when you sort of see someone and you think oh my god that's exactly what i want from a woman what a regular supply of donuts no but she had a way about she had sort of like this this doesn't make her sound like the best but like she sort of always made a joke about drinking Stella and but she was attractive and I sort of like yeah like at the time it's what I sort of thought I required in life that's that's the thing about like at that time in my life she was that would be oh my god that's the sort of person I want to marry so you went up and bought did you keep buying diatoms from her so you could chat to

her yeah yeah and then how far did the relationship go well that's pretty much as far as it goes how did you determine from that that she wasn't a very nice person? No, a couple of times we got drunk and then she said, like, in our company, like a couple of her friends, you know, the guys that we were rolling with in the fairground. And, yeah, like she was in our company a couple of times. And it probably took two or three times.

And then seeing her when she'd had a few drinks inside her, she was quite quite aggressive and had some pretty sort of like uh views on the world that i didn't really agree with but um it's weird though have you ever done have you ever lied to someone like a woman of sort of i i don't think yeah i mean i've lied to women before i look white lies do you mean like yeah yeah yeah that's what i mean yeah but i mean you know there's two ways of looking at that does that come from a deception does that come from a deep-seated lack of self-confidence i think it's all self-esteem isn't it it's when you've not got any well no i mean look there are some lies that people tell to be manipulative and there are some people tell because they're so ashamed of what the truth is and and i i remember

you know without getting into too many details because actually even for this podcast i find it slightly embarrassing but like there are times when maybe i've intimated to certain women that i'm more experienced than i otherwise oh yeah jesus christ yeah what you don't want is a girl to think that she's about to make an indelible an indelible life experience with you also that is like the like the worst one because it's so evident if if it goes the way it's going to go that you aren't that experience that or you just god yeah that the the sort of turmoil of wanting to do something sexually but sort of knowing that if you do do something sexually it's going to give away that you've

never done that thing before not just never done it just never done it well just completely make a fall out of yourself my one size fits all approach to foreplay is quite breathtaking I've got to be honest with you I've had some awful I've had some stinkers when it

comes to sort of like that like just situations where you just literally god even now my stomach just turns it's a terrible thing to think that that's something that you're bad at and uh yes i guess so i mean i mean the the idea of of splitting up with lisa i mean obviously there's let's put aside the absolute heartbreak and turmoil of of that split yeah but but the the idea of trying to of trying to engage in sex with somebody new i can't even begin to fucking think about it like genuinely like it's i'm gonna say this now i found it the most intimidating thing of my fucking late teens and all of my 20s yeah

pretty much i mean i don't look the truth is Lisa and I as far as I know have been exclusively having sex with each other we're like fucking Captain America of sex we've sort of been frozen in this time capsule like techniques

may have like fucking moved on insane I might end up with a girl like just thinking what the fuck is she doing sort of helicoptering

around the room thinking what the fuck's going on I'm not used to that I do like I also i found it i could like i i could potentially have a pretty good game right um like in the sort of situation of sort of the chatting up and the sort of like getting with the person but then which would be

like a game of football where you've actually had a good 90 minutes yeah i mean i imagine what minute minute and a half before you mentioned murder is successful then he goes King Gary's minute three dear I had none of this I mean that's what I've got now back then all I had was like

bowing around like a fucking golden retriever you're so funny do you know what if if Dan had your sense of humour

you'd have the perfect man there oh thank you I've done that so many times anyway go on I used to find it so intimidating If Dan had your sense of humour, you'd have the perfect man there. Oh, thank you. I've done that so many times. Anyway, go on. I used to find it so intimidating. I'd say it now,

the thought of like, you get to the situation that you're working really hard to get to and you think, oh, that's a bit, but yeah, that's the moment we come together. I used to find it just like, like a penalty shootout, I'd be absolutely terrified. I'd shrink. I'd'd say i don't really want

to take one let someone else let someone else do it i don't even i just sort of thinking about it now like if lisa and i if i got into a situation where i was trying to talk to a woman again with the with the idea of trying to sort of take that further. I don't know. I don't actually know if I've got it. I don't think I've got it. You know what? I think if me and Catherine split up, I think I'd just become...

Do you know what I think? Scottish Highlands. Yeah, if I split up, I'd try and convince you to split up with Catherine so we could move in together. Yeah, yeah. I'm that pathetic that I'd go, oh, that's a good idea.

It'd make it easy for the podcast. Yeah, yeah. We'd have to do two or three episodes a week. That would be sad. Welcome to the world for now. that's a good idea it'd make it easy for the podcast yeah yeah we'd be able to do two or three episodes a week that'd be sad welcome to the world for now

we went out again didn't we tried to chat to a couple of girls went back to Romesh's bar that he always goes to yeah

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Okay. Now, listen, before we carry on, I need to, there's something that, one of the problems with this podcast is that we we suggest things and then we never follow them up yeah so um a few weeks ago on this podcast we talked about the fact that um you said that you invented my guy as a saying yeah okay um yeah and you're saying that jamie redknapp stole that from you i didn't say he stole it i said he i think he liberated it okay until he ran he ran with it a bit now i've spoken to jamie and i've asked him to come on and sort this out okay and i'm going to give him a call now and look i don't know what he's going to say the thing that worries about me

is you're very this is the sort of thing where we need to be careful that you're not going to be malleable in this situation. You're not going to... All right, let's do this. You've got to listen earnestly. Okay. Hello? Oh, is that Joe?

Yeah. Hi, Joe, it's Romesh. Romsky, what's going on? Hello, mate, you all right? Yeah, mate, I'm good. I just, yeah, all good. What's new? Oh, sorry, Jay, it's Romesh. Romesh, what's going on? Hello, mate, you all right? Yeah, mate, I'm good. I'm just, yeah, all good. What's new? Also, Jamie, tell him I'm here.

Okay, so sorry. So, Jay, basically... Are you serious? I'm not being serious. So, basically, this is... Do you remember I talked to you about coming on the podcast, right? I already prepped him, so... No, I've not prepped him.

Sorry, you can't hear... So, Jay, I'm going to tell you what tom's saying because he's on he's on my headphones yes jamie it's me big t so he's saying hello i'm not i'm not i'm not sorry i'm not being serious i just tried i'm just trying to set this up jay so it works properly. So, this is the situation. A few weeks ago on the wall for now,

Tom Davis said that he invented the phrase, my guy. Now, I'm pretty sure I've heard that from you the most, but Tom says he thinks that you took it from him. So can you just clear up what exactly the deal is there, please? Yeah, I snatched it off him. What?

Boom. Yeah. I just thought it was great. I just loved the way he said it and thought it's cool. And he just makes it sound cool. The way he even does it with his hands. I just thought, my guy so i just yeah i nicked it all you comedians nick each other stuff though so i'll shut up shut up shut up

oh ron still taking that kick in jamie jamie are you winding me up now no no no mate yeah he's the first person like that carried it off and I just thought yeah I'll have some of that wow I can't believe this so Romesh should have to do a dare say to Jamie please just telling the truth like

Jamie should pick a dare for you to do so first of all well done Tom's sitting here like a dog with two dicks right now on this Zoom the second thing

I also made that saying up yeah yeah Tom's saying that you've got to think of a dare for me now because apparently I've lost the bet. So, is there anything you'd like me to do,

Jay, to, by the way, apologize? Oh. What does Tom think, first of all? What do you think, Tom? Have you got any suggestions? Apart from he wants you to run naked through Crawley. Okay, I'm not going to run naked through Crawley. My guy.

My guy. My guy. By the way the way tom that's why you are my guy what's that film like you know that will will ferrell what's his name oh you're talking about old school yeah that would be fucking funny that would be legendary in Crawley they love you

the people will follow yeah listen that would be hilarious that would be so funny yeah listen Tom, Jake listen both of you let me just tell you something

I don't I can't see the set of logic that leads to because Jamie Redknapp stole the phrase my guy I've got to run

through Crawley naked. It would be amazing though. It would be so funny. I'll tell you what else you should do, right? Because as we're doing this now, I'm looking at a confidence vote with the Prime Minister. I'm watching Sky News. So, why don't you

put it out to vote for all the brilliant listeners of the podcast. And if they think it's a good idea, I think you should do it for them. Mate, I agree. Okay, Tom agrees with you. So what we're going to do is we are going to do this. Jamie Redknapp's suggestion. I'm putting up to vote. By the way, when I say we're putting up to vote, I want logical

responses here. Do people think it's logical that because Jamie Redknapp's By the way, I'm still not sure that you're not saying this on a wind-up, Jay because jamie redknapp stole the stole the phrase my guy i now have to run through what the where are we talking about in crawley well is there a shopping center or would you be running for the shopping i'll get arrested i'll run through a park okay but you've also got to let everyone know when it is I'm not promoting it like a tour show mate

it's just come on he doesn't promote half the stuff he's in they're running for a part I loved it tell Jamie I'll get a picnic Tom says he'll get the picnic in for the day that we do it

if we decide to do it but we're not we're not gonna do it because I trust in the listeners Jamie Redknapp thank you Jamie say something Jay you're the first and probably let's be honest only guest we've ever had on the wolf on our podcast so thank you I'm very privileged thank you for having me and um what a legend listen I love the podcast I keep it going thanks bro alright Joe speak to you soon love you mate

see you soon take care bye guys bye guys wow first thing in the picnic humble pie can I just say something

there's no way he's telling the truth he is man I tell you I can even tell it was in Rotterdam even if he did believe that I just don't think he'd admit it on the call.

He's done it on the one day. I swear. I reckon even if we got AJ on here, he'd say the same thing. Yeah, okay. Well, everyone, so the big vote. Please, vote in your numbers, vote in your droves. Should Romesh... Should we set a distance so you have to run naked?

No, no, no. We're not opening this whole thing up. Look, guys, I'm imploring you. This is obviously a bullshit idea. Why should I have to run for a Crawley or a part of Crawley naked? Because Jamie nicked the phrase. It doesn't make any sense.

It makes absolutely no sense. No, but we're like as political figures, we're going head to head, right? No, I don't give a... Look, I said said let me out you're so fucking pleasing yourself i i said to jamie i said to jamie look can i just ask you if you nicked my guy so why do i have to do a forfeit now because he nicked it he should be doing the bloody forfeit and by the way let's be absolutely honest i think if people had a choice in who they

want to see run through crawly naked i don't think you need to run a vote i'd strongly disagree with that i think i think especially the people are crawly and it doesn't have to be crawly you if if more people like if there's another town who want you to run through then i'm saying it's closer to your house okay guys and also you could you could run through naked looking for other bars to go in. The Wolf and Owl listenership. Do you think I should run through Crawley Tower naked? Because I don't understand how it makes any sense.

By the way, can you hear this? Yeah, I like listening to that sound. It's one of my favourite sounds. Yeah, but does it... Yeah, it's quite noisy in my house, isn't it? I do like it, but I don't think it's great for a podcast. Okay, should we do some emails let's do it my baby i mean to be fair i'm just absolutely pumped about the my guy thing oh yeah sorry i haven't done the congratulations by the way if if i still don't

believe that jamie's telling the truth i swear it's true i bet if you go back to that episode have you two texts each have? Have you texted Jamie? No, no, no, I swear we haven't. We haven't. Because I saw you on your phone when I was talking about calling Jamie. No, I was not texting Jamie with that. I was actually texting Flo

about another level of merchandise that we might be doing a... So, it's pretty exciting. Yeah, yeah. Tom, Tom, do me a favour. Don't say things that we've half asked so far, OK? It's insane that you've mentioned that. In fact, I'm going to suggest to JT that we beep it out.

OK, right. Anyway, let's do some emails. First email. This is from Martin. Wow. Very short email. Yeah. Dear Rob and and tom please settle this age-old debate is it ever acceptable to carpet a bathroom thank you martin um i don't think you can

in this day and age i certainly wouldn't i wouldn't advise you cannot oh this is i'm gonna throw a little bit embarrassing um oh gosh i don't know know this is the most like embarrassing thing I don't know if this has ever happened to you have you ever been like so drunk right

I think I know what you're going to say you know like you go so drunk you get so drunk you sit on the toilet for a wee and then somehow

your penis hasn't gone into the pan I actually wrote a scene in a sitcom about this and you flood the fucking bathroom floor.

Yeah, yeah, I've done that. Well, I haven't flooded it. I mean, I don't know how much piss is coming out. I haven't flooded the bathroom. Well, yeah, no, but, like, it's... You sort of basically

set up a little waterfall of piss down the front of the toilet bowl out onto the floor. Yeah, but then I was so drunk I didn't realise I was doing it so I literally, like, relieved half of my bladder

and then realised that there was, like, fucking piss around my feet. Yeah, I've done that. I i think that's i think a lot of people have done that because you know when you're really drunk and you start getting annoyed with yourself and you're like i've been for like i've done this 100 times but how have i got it wrong today yeah anyways yeah how old are you uh this is probably about five years ago and and rough estimate five years ago you thought you'd taken 100 pisses, did you? No. No, like sitting on the toilet, I've literally only got into it in the last few years.

Whatever way. Fucking hell. Okay, go on. Like standing on it. That would never have happened if I'd stood up. No. Yeah, obviously. Yeah.

No, I mean, don't get me wrong, I've pissed everywhere standing up because my aim's been off but not to that level right do you know what I mean like you sat down thinking this is going to protect me from pissing on the floor

yeah and what you've done is pissed exclusively onto the floor yeah and then so then you're then having to clean like mop the floor

at fucking three in the morning and have a shower afterwards yeah yeah it's fucking grim yeah so if that but if I fucking if we'd had carpeted floor

it'll soak through the carpet i'd like to get a fucking i've had to get a whole floor floor yeah yeah 100 i just and this is the other thing so first of all you hit the nail on the head it's a hygiene issue because like whenever i've been to somebody's not so much now obviously we're sort of you know of an age where slightly less of an issue although it depends on the people's houses you're at but when i was in my 20s i would treat sort of bath mats and sort of the little things that go around the toilet that people used to have i would treat them as toxic i wouldn't want them to be anywhere near my skin or anything like that and if you pick them up for you like you know i would i would sort of i just don't want to be anywhere near them do you mean

because you just don't know what the fuck's happened to them do you mean and they hold on to like whatever offensive materials have been near them and actually I would go as far as to say, you know, if my hand touched one of those things, I would contemplate sort of sanding the area of skin off. Just to remove that section. I remember like this guy that I used to sort of knock about with. And he, he,

he had like a really thick shag carpet in his bathroom. And like, looking down at his carpet in his bathroom. And like, you like this looking down his carpet when you went for a week, it was one of the most horrible things you'd ever seen. Like old bits of toilet paper and stuff like sort of like shredded toilet stuff like that. It's sort of, yeah,

it was fucking grim. That was enough for me to say I'd never ever get fucking. I had, I had a weird scenario. I'd love to know what you would have done in this scenario. I had a weird scenario where, so like my mum and dad got their house repossessed, right? And we ended up getting put in like a,

we were in a council flat for a bit and then we moved into a council house, right? And we couldn't, they couldn't afford to get carpets put in the house, right? When we first moved into the house. Yeah. So we just didn't have carpets for about the house right when we first moved into the house yeah so we just didn't have

carpets for about like three years right so would you have like just a wooden floor yeah just a wooden floor which is about very cheap now yeah they weren't but yeah but they weren't varnished and polished they were just like fucking tetanus incidents waiting to happen, basically. Just like nails poking up through the thing. But like, basically, having friends over. And I remember liking a girl. Oh, man. And she sort of knocked for me when I was like 15 or something like that. And it sort of got to the point where I had to sort of grab my coat.

And I couldn't, I can't remember what it was, but I think I had to invite her in for some reason because it would have been awkward to leave her on the doorstep and she came in I can't remember what I said but it was just the look on her face because it's such a mad thing to also I hadn't

mentioned it at that point because I hadn't anticipated her seeing the inside of my house so she comes into the house and then she's like oh and i go oh yeah we don't um we don't actually have any carpets at the moment uh and it was fine but uh shout out to john warrington one of my best friends his family donated their carpets to us when they moved house so much yeah oh that's a beautiful thing but it was a really beautiful thing but what i wouldn't have done,

even if they'd suggested it for free, is carpeted the bathroom. Because carpet in the bathroom is unacceptable. Mate, it's the worst. Do you know, like, my dad had to build, in our first house, he had to build a toilet,

like an extension outside. Because we had, like, an outdoor toilet in our first house. Yeah. And then he built this, like, it literally worked all the time and then at weekends was building an extension because he couldn't afford

buildings at the time so yeah our first bathroom was sort of like proper bathroom bathroom but I remember like that thing when you were younger

going to people's houses like I had new builds and fucking new money of the 90s and sort of like and you'd sort of feel like it's so weird to say and I feel really bad actually saying it now but you've sort of had this sort of like, and you'd sort of feel like, it's so weird to say, and I feel really bad actually saying it now,

but you've sort of had this sort of, my mum and dad worked so hard to give me and my sister the life we have, but you'd sometimes go to these people's houses and you'd feel like, fucking hell, like it's not as shiny and brand new as this. And you'd feel like a sort of sense of embarrassment.

Yeah. I think that's a weird thing as a kid. You'd never really, you know, you'd never, you never know how hard and how much your parents worked and obviously

never said as a kid I sort of feel quite sad about that now, I should have been proud actually my dad built everything in our house it was like we never had money to go I would say to that is I feel exactly the same way but you can't be expected to you can't be expected to,

you can't be expected as a kid to have that, that level of understanding. But like, I sometimes do think like when, when we were living in that house, I sort of, I was quite embarrassed to bring people back to the house. Like, because whatever,

as a kid, you don't want people to see that you're living like that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But at the same time, you sort of look at it from your mum and dad's point of view. I mean, how heartbreaking it must be for them yeah working aside i mean my dad

look my dad at that time was a was was being a bit of a it was being a bit out of order but like certainly from my mom's point of view she's working her ass off she you know and then her kids like you know you you don't when you think about it from that point of view it's heartbreaking I mean what I would say is we've taken quite a light hearted email and turned it into an incredibly dark chat but

you know what can you do that's a deep root of place listen when the wolf and I record in the evenings there is no email

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Keep it fresh at michigan.org. This is from Mark the Leopard Gecko. Go Mark. This is quite a tough one actually. Dear Wolf, Owl, Swan and Cat, my question to you is, did you hold any beliefs as a child which in retrospect were ridiculous? I don't mean anything as an adult told you, anything an adult told you for a laugh.

Brackets, my uncle and my cousins believed him for years. His appendix scars from him getting shot in Vietnam. He's from Peckham and he's never been to Asia in his life but thoughts formed in your head I had quite a few of these number one due to confusion

around the TV show named Jimmel Fix It I thought for years that the presenter's name was Jimmel Saville rather than Jimmy well as misconceptions about Jimmy Saville go

I would say that's not the worst of them number two I was convinced that colour was invented at some point in the 60s before then i honestly thought everybody walks around in a black and white world my god this has blown my mind i'll tell you why in a minute number three i've never in my life taken a poo with a top or any other

clothing on the upper part of my body from as far as i can remember i just presume this is the case for everyone it was a standard part of the procedure such as washing your hands it was pointed out this wasn't the case when i was 15 My older brother saw me buttoning up my shirt coming out of a cubicle in a poolside toilet on holiday. As I was already 15 years invested, I've continued with this routine. I'm now 45. Fucking hell. On the animal theme, I also have a mate who up until his 20s

thought that sparrows grew up to be pigeons. This is a fucking great email, by the way. Did either of you have anything like this or was I just a simple child? P..s has tom been collaborating writing with the brighton london band dream wife they have a song on their latest album called you do you and one of the lyrics to a song goes we're the youngest we will ever be we're the oldest we've ever been right here right now i now can't listen to the album without thinking of tom's sweet natured face which enhances the experience kind regards mark the Mark the Leopard Gecko. Tom. Wow, Mark. What a legend.

Yeah, I was told by my mum as, yeah, so first I was told by my mum that if you didn't wash your hands

after you went for a wee, you'd turn into a puddle of piss. So I was absolutely from like, like first school, when you first, you know,

start junior school, if I saw people who like, wouldn't wash wash their boys who wouldn't wash their hands afterwards I'd uh I tell you you've got to be careful because you might turn into a bit of this um obviously realized quite quickly that sanitary wise a lot of young boys don't wash their hands so uh that my mum was lying but actually stood me stood me in good stead still to this day i uh i watched my hands the other one i got told was when i when i first started i was probably 15 14 15 started like first working like sort of doing laboring and uh working around sort of bloke blokes you know sort of my cousin and a couple of other people and uh they told me that in your life, you only get 500 wanks.

And then what happens? They just said, you only get 500 of those. Right. So I started in my head counting out the ones I'd had. And you thought, fuck it, I'm 100 in the hallway. Yeah. And judging by my success with him, I'm going to need to string out the next 400.

So, yeah, I got, I mean, obviously, we were asked quite quickly, you know, within the next five to six years, after hitting the 500 mark, actually within the next, yeah. No, you did have more than 500. But, yeah, little things, all penis-related stuff, really. Well, thank you for your email, Mark the Leopard Gecko. With regards to, I was convinced that colour was invented at some point in the 60's

before then I honestly thought everyone walked around in a black and white world I was suggested that as a line in a sitcom and I've got to apologise to Ben Green now because Ben Green suggested to me that we had this kid have this misconception that the world was black and white before they came up with colour

and I said to him that's fucking mental nobody would believe that. And it turns out Mark the Leopard Gecko did. A very good plug for your new sitcom, Avoidance, coming out on Friday. Oh, God, Jesus Christ, that reminds me. Fucking hell. That reminds me, Avoidance. Amazing plug.

Avoidance, BBC One 930. Extremely anxious about it coming out. Are you excited? Am I excited? Yes. It's just Am I excited? Yes. It's just, I don't know. So difficult. This is easily the worst part of the job.

Yeah, but then you should just try. It's hard because I know your feeling, but you've done a good job. You've put something good together. Enjoy the pluses. In life, so often, as I'm finding out, there's a lot of negatives. And what you've got to try and do is just ride the waves.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Keep your powder dry here, because you're running the risk of getting into a story about a gecko and an ant in a second, and then we'll have a right nightmare. With regards to point through, I've never taken in my life a poo with a top on the upper part of my body here's the thing that i thought when i was a kid um i thought for a long time that white

people did white poos did you really did you really yeah for quite a while and then i'd never seen a white poo obviously i mean obviously there's white dog shit but i'd never seen a white poo but for some reason i just thought everybody i know is brown and they're doing brown poo. That sort of makes sense. And then I didn't, I don't know when that was. Yeah, that must have blown your mind up when you,

you must've been like the school sort of toilets or something. I mean, the first time I asked, you know, somebody to shit in front of me so I could sit like, like that was a hell of an experience. Mark the Lippard Gecko, thank you so much for your email.

Did you ever know you would have got bogwashed? That was my biggest fear of going to secondary school. Yeah, me too. Absolutely terrified of it on a date. In my life, I've never ever heard of anyone who's been bogwashed. No. But when you're talking about things you believe,

I remember someone saying, like someone's older sister was saying, bogwash never no but like that you know when you're talking about things you believe i remember like sort of someone saying like you know like someone's older sister or saying like one of my mates older sister's going oh you've got to be really careful because like you know a lot of time like there's a lot of bogwashing that goes on or like wedgies or whatever and you're like oh fucking hell right i literally i think probably for the first year of secondary school i didn't go to the toilet once because i was just terrified of being in there and getting fucking bogwashed. It would be interesting if any listeners had ever...

Yeah, I mean, look, if you have been bogwashed, I don't really want you to have to sort of recreate the experience and send us an email just for Tom's satisfaction. No, I'm just interested. Right, look, it's time to wind this up. Listen, before we get into your closing thoughts, Tom, I'm going to say I think you've been eight out of ten of this and I think I've been six.

There you go. Sweet bar. Tom, go for it. Yeah. What's happening? I want to say it's okay to ask for help. It's very easy in life just to bowl along like you're a titan carrying the big addis upon

his shoulders that his father Zeus I believe gave to him. But actually carrying the world of and its weight of problems upon your shoulders can become tiresome. It can become quite hard. There's no shame in asking for help

or just turning around to a friend and saying yo I'm struggling a little bit at the moment real strength comes from admitting the thing is aren't okay that you are struggling that you could do with a little arm around you a little kind word in the last couple of weeks I've discovered that myself I started edging through life, staggering a little bit, as more and more problems and what seemed like more and more heartache sat upon my shoulders, and I was reluctant to talk to people. And this week, I did. And it felt that the world that was sitting upon my shoulders

became a little bit lighter, and the stagger became a walk, and each day became a little easier. Reach out, people. It takes strength. My guys. My guys. Tom, that was... You look really even sadder than you did before. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

thank you for listening to The War for Now. We'll see you down the street. Thank you so much for listening to The War for Now, guys. I'll see you. We'll see you next time. Take it easy peace out much love bye if you have a problem opinion feedback or anything at all please email us at wolf alpod

at gmail.com that's wolf alpod at gmail.com we That's wolfalpod at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you, mainly because we don't have any content ideas. Thank you.